Back and forth texting with my WAS last night. One of his texts was :
"I've wondered if there was a way to work things out the past week or two, but I've been embarrassed to ask"
I got so happy and hopeful when I read this 😅 but when I spoke to my IC this morning she pulled me back. Told me I'd better find out what HE means by "work things out". That I understood it to mean work on the marriage and move back home, but with his mind in La-La Land these last several weeks, he might mean "can we work out an arrangement in which I can date you and other women, too" or something else that isn't in synch with my understanding of "work things out"
Sometimes I love my IC and hate her at the same time!…but she is right. She suggested I get him to define what "work things out" means to him, what it looks like to him and what he would be willing to do to "work things out". Then, IF it jibes with my view, lay out my boundaries about what I would need in order to resume the marriage.
Hello Missmeg,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Getting clarification regarding what "work things out" means is key. How are you going to do that without putting more distance between the two of you?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I'm very curious to hear what you found out from WAH! Did his def. of "work things out" match yours? I'm with your C on this... we HAVE to make sure our communications are clear or it can destroy progress!
I'm also wondering what boundaries you will put in place if your definitions match.
Keep your hopes in check & try -as we all are- to be patient in this! (We must develop the patience of a saint!) Hang in there!
Actually, our definitions of "working it out" were pretty much the same. We spent a lot of time together this weekend, and discussed what we were doing and where he wanted to be. He "doesn't know" Of course. But he did acknowledge that he still enjoys being with me and is still hopeful that there might be a way we can work things out. We agreed to the following: each of us will get individual therapy/counseling. We will resume marriage counseling, although he would like to switch the therapist because he felt our previous one was badgering him. We will both wear our wedding rings. We obviously will not date anyone else, and will observe strict boundaries when dealing with friends of the opposite sex so that we don't cause each other any jealousy or feelings of disrespect. We will both consider ourselves 100% percent "in" the marriage and sincerely try to find solutions to our problems. He wants us to each draft up and write out our vision for how we would like our living arrangements/family/marriage/household to be. How we would like things to be, what things we feel we could negotiate on, and what things we feel are nonnegotiable. And then to go over those with a professional to see if we can come to common ground.
So that's all very positive.Monday we walked around the mall arm-in-arm and were very lovey-dovey and I started to think he'll be moving back home soon.
But today he was cool and distant and didn't offer to stop by or see me. Luckily because of this site, I realized I need to back off, continue my GAL, don't do anything that looks like pursuing, and be patient. How I hate that word!
I have some doubts about how promptly he will follow up on the agreement to get himself into individual counseling. I have some big doubts about the boundaries with women. He has a female roommate now. I have told him it is unacceptable to me and I hate it. I am 100% sure that there is nothing sexual nor romantic between them. Yet. But that's a very dangerous situation, it is a slippery slope. I don't care that they are not interested in each other, and that she is dating someone else. It's just no good. It makes me very very nervous. Things could change at any point 😣
We also put a timeline on this. Three months of honestly trying to make it work. Then we will reassess and see if we believe we're making progress or not.
So the journey continues, and I pretty well hate it. The emotional highs and lows are crazy making. Trying to sustain hope, but not too much of it, is also crazy making.
I have some doubts about how promptly he will follow up on the agreement to get himself into individual counseling. I have some big doubts about the boundaries with women. He has a female roommate now. I have told him it is unacceptable to me and I hate it. I am 100% sure that there is nothing sexual nor romantic between them. Yet. But that's a very dangerous situation, it is a slippery slope. I don't care that they are not interested in each other, and that she is dating someone else. It's just no good. It makes me very very nervous.
Then you should absolutely insist on this. Maybe the new MC can help you with stressing how imperative this is? If your husband thinks THIS is the type of thing that constitutes "badgering," I'd say that's a big red flag. This is either a basic core boundary with you or it's not.
I like all of your joint stipulations -- they sound very mature and healthy!
Starsky
So that's all very positive.Monday we walked around the mall arm-in-arm and were very lovey-dovey and I started to think he'll be moving back home soon.
But today he was cool and distant and didn't offer to stop by or see me. Luckily because of this site, I realized I need to back off, continue my GAL, don't do anything that looks like pursuing, and be patient.
Yes, this ^^^ is VERY normal for us guys. It's the "rubber band" thing that is explained in "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus." Very normal in even a very healthy marriage.
The rubber band theory! That was so interesting for me, I had to look it up! I never knew my H was so flexible as he has been lately. This is really out of character for him, but maybe this has been a factor in my M for years & he just didn't respond to it.
Great bit of info.! Thank you for mentioning it!
I hate him having a f. roomie as well, for you. Sooo sorry!
At this point, trust is very delicate as you feel your security is gone. Don't know what to say, except...have faith!
On the other hand, the list is an awesome idea! I'd love to borrow this for my M when we are ready. Those were really, well thought-out points to get through.
Keep working on you & try to quell the fears! (Easier said than done, for sure!)
Ok -Rubber band theory, I will have to look this up! And also sounds like I might need to read Men are from Mars women are from Venus. It gets mentioned hear a bunch.
So I got an email from our landlady today at work. She wants to stop by and have us re-sign the lease for another year. I totally panicked. Like literally had a panic attack at work. I kept thinking what if he won't re-sign, and they won't rent it to just me because my income alone isnt enough. I did that catastrophic thinking one does when one is in a panic: I projected out that if the lease wasn't signed, and since I don't have enough money for first last and deposit, I would never be able to move anywhere and I'd be homeless,, , ,which isn't a real possibility. I would work something out, and I know that in my rational mind. But in my panic mode, I was envisioning me and the children out on the street corners. Completely unrealistic but I went there in my head. (honestly, before bd, I was a fairly rational and calm person. My emotions and my disaster-thinking have developed a life of their own since he left)
so when I talked to him today, the first thing I did was ask about the lease. Without any hesitation he asked what time we're supposed to meet her to sign it, and that would be no problem. RELIEF 😓
And he said I sounded shaky, did I need to go out for a drink and some dinner? So we met and ate, and once again it was a highly tender, affectionate, romantic night full of honest and meaningful conversation, Yay!
He admitted that last time we went to MC, he was just going through the motions because he wanted to look like the good guy who was doing the right thing. But that now he is "all in" and sincerely wants to do everything he can to make himself better and make our marriage work. Appointment have been scheduled for all of our counseling (mine,his,ours)
He said that if I insisted he move out from the female roommate, he would do it, but he didn't think the options were so great. ( I have been looking at rooms-for-rent on craigslist for our area, and I have to agree that there's nothing. ) Either he would have to get his own place, which would take away from the money he is able to give me every month to meet expenses, or he would have to move in with his mother, who lives over an hour away.
So he's staying in the current living situation with that female roommate. However, he has taken me to her condo where he is renting a room, and I have met her while sitting next to my husband, and this weekend I spent the night at the condo while she was there, so she knows we are rekindling things
Best part about tonight? For the first time in many months he told me "I love you"
I'm glad to hear things are going so well! Don't forget this when things aren't what you would want. I think we all do the panic thing, at least I do. Learn to breathe through it, and if you have a religious belief...praying through it does so much for me as well. Keep working on your changes and feeling better!
Just wanted to check in on you... I hope you're doing well and in a 'good place' in all of this!
Hang in there!
How can things change so quickly?! The last two weekends we were physically and emotionally very close, acting all lovey-dovey, saying all the right things, recommitting to the relationship, agreeing to go to counseling and making this work, etc. Everything seemed really good.
Can't believe things changed so much in six days. He's cold, withdrawn, almost hostile, makes no attempt to contact me at all. So of course I ended up calling him, and we're back in the pursuer/distancer dance. Boo.
At least now I recognize it for what it is, and know to stop it. Know that I have to change the pattern by not pursuing. Back to GAL, detachment, etc. Again.
So sick of this. Don't even know if I want him to move back in anymore. Maybe I should just throw in the towel and file for divorce.
I hear you. It's a roller coaster.
It sounds like you have a plan and are able to stay the course.
Just let time go by and don't make any decisions yet. If you decide to file for D, it should ideally be from a place of strength, not hurt and rejection...
This is still very early days for you. Look at how long some of the posters here have been in limbo. You'll get used to it.
Meg, oftentimes when you're in the Piecing stage, "bad = good," mood-wise. It's a withdrawal from those giddy highs of waywardness (chemical highs that actually show up on CAT scans!), into the brutal reality of the tough slog that is marital reconciliation. It's normal, and I'd frankly be more worried if he were suddenly giddy again for no apparent reason, as it may mean contact with OW somewhere.
Yes, you have to keep an eye on it, and call him if he's downright RUDE to you and lovingly assert your boundaries. And hopefully his "rubber band" will snap back towards you soon. But surliness is not in and of itself a warning sign -- it's often just the opposite.
Have you asked him what he's feeling? Will he talk to you about it?
Starsky
Painter and Starsky thank you for your perspectives!
I guess I need to let this play out; there is no reason to rush to D just because I'm hurt/angry.
I can put this marriage stuff on the back burner this weekend and focus on my kids …one has a game Saturday and another moves out to college Sunday.
Down to only one still at home …weird!
But I still don't like how much it hurts. Each day he doesn't call me feels like a new rejection. And I find it SO HARD to stop my thoughts ("it's 6:30. Certainly he's home from work now. He hasn't called or texted. He's obviously not even thinking about me. If he missed me he would've called or texted. I'm not even on his radar screen" etc.)
But I've grown enough through this site to make some better choices. Tonight when I had my poor me thoughts I chose to text a couple of my best girlfriends, and see if any of them were also at loose ends and wanted to get together for some appetizers and a drink. If I can do that, and fill my time up with positive things, that helps me keep my mind off him and stop looking at my phone every 30 seconds.
So I made it through tonight, and the weekend should be easy enough since I'll be busy with kids stuff. At least in the daytime. Nights alone are still tough.
You're doing the right things!
I went to the doctor and got something to sleep on that I take as needed. I also used aromatherapy, and it worked great by itself, so I could save the sleep meds for the really difficult nights. I figured I had enough on my plate, missing out on sleep would just make it so much harder.
I also really enjoyed going to the movies by myself! It takes you away and can put you in such a good mood.
Funny how roles change…after BD, I wanted him back and he was pretty much out. Now that I've been changing, I'm not so eager to have him back. I do want to keep the relationship, I do want to resume the marriage, but on my terms.
I don't know who was more surprised tonight. He came over, and wanted to have a long discussion. He told me that he has never stopped loving me, he wants to resume the marriage, and move back in.
I said no.
I told him I needed to see a change in his attitude and actions, that I had been going to IC for a month now and was creating some boundaries that I have not had before. That I needed him to go to IC as well (per our agreement of a couple of weeks ago)and work on some of his issues, and that we needed some more MC as well. That if he moved back in now without addressing the issues that caused him to move out, nothing has changed and he would just up and leave again at some point in the future.
That I was not going to put myself in a place of being abandoned again, so that if and when he does move back in I have to be fairly certain I can trust him to stay and stand and work on problems as they come up.
Funny how roles change…after BD, I wanted him back and he was pretty much out. Now that I've been changing, I'm not so eager to have him back. I do want to keep the relationship, I do want to resume the marriage, but on my terms.
I don't know who was more surprised tonight. He came over, and wanted to have a long discussion. He told me that he has never stopped loving me, he wants to resume the marriage, and move back in.
I said no.
I told him I needed to see a change in his attitude and actions, that I had been going to IC for a month now and was creating some boundaries that I have not had before. That I needed him to go to IC as well (per our agreement of a couple of weeks ago)and work on some of his issues, and that we needed some more MC as well. That if he moved back in now without addressing the issues that caused him to move out, nothing has changed and he would just up and leave again at some point in the future.
That I was not going to put myself in a place of being abandoned again, so that if and when he does move back in I have to be fairly certain I can trust him to stay and stand and work on problems as they come up.
Good for you!!!
Starsky
Still negotiating the move-back-in.
I'm thinking it will be this weekend.
Nervous but happy.