Precurser: it turns out the PA was actually a random one night stand
What an interesting trip...
The first day went particularly well, lots of smiles, laughs, hugs, kisses, and cuddling at night. Perhaps it was exceedingly good for the W, because the following morning there was sex. Yes, finally, after more than a year...SEX. I have to admit it was surprisingly easy to temporarily block out the images of an OM once the touching started. She did make sure to add a disclaimer that "it doesn't mean we're getting back together, it's just a physical activity"...this sentiment does continue to worry me. W seemed happy and upbeat most of the time.
The second day was a nice mix of romance and excitement. After a casual stroll down a pier, we had dinner a restaurant overlooking the water. The W found the setting to be particularly romantic, after which we went for a ride on a local ferris wheel. I should probably mention that the W is terrified of heights so I was holding her hand through it all, trying to comfort her with words and then sneaked in a peck on the lips at the top--heehee.
At some point in the day I found out that she was back to stealing her mom's antidepressants (she started taking them right in front of me and, realizing that I'm observing, said "oh, by the way...") and when I asked her why she doesn't just get her own, she said she'll do it when she gets her own insurance. Here's where the worries begin.
Day three was a rollercoaster. I thought the morning started off well on a count of sex again, but that quickly devolved into the W freaking out about getting pregnant and running out to get plan B. She got mad at me for being "careless" and started suggesting that maybe I screwed around with other women during our separation and now she might get an STD. She told me that she didn't want to say anything ealier, but the sex made her feel bad and that we should sleep in separate beds for the rest of the trip since we're "just friends." Later in the day she decided to break it to me that she still doesn't really find me attractive and then took it a step further to explain how she's been bothered for a long time that I am too small for her (even though I'm taller) and that she's really turned on by bigger men (apparently that was her selection criteria for her little tryst). Oh yeah, it also helps to be really social and suave, which apparently I'm lacking. I turned the other cheek, determined not to let her ruin this trip for everyone. She spent a lot of time looking bored/miserable from this point on, and it created a lot of tension between us which I felt under constant pressure to diffuse. We did manage to end the day nicely though at a very scenic mini golf spot, and I was quite thankful for that. Bedtime wasn't completely peaceful, and it was obvious that she was still angry from earlier in the day, to the extant that when I tried to offer kind words, she told me she doesn't want me to say nice things and to just let her sleep.
The fourth day was of great significance because it was a much needed exercise in trust-building. Among my W's many issues is that she can't swim due to an irrational, paralyzing fear of drowning even in shallow water (her uncle really f'd her up in early childhood by throwing her into a lake and she almost drowned). Before our separation, we had taken a trip to the Caribbean and I had started working on helping her break through this fear by teaching her to float on her back, and it was my fortune that she was willing to give it another chance. She seemed to genuinely appreciate it, and I lack the words to describe the joy I felt in helping her with this. Somehow, she ended up randomly stating that my trying to make amends with her friends/family is manipulative behavior and she doesn't like how it makes her appear to be a bad person for leaving. Apparently she feels trapped and "guilted" into coming back, and she doesn't really want to be doing this (never mind that I already agreed to give her the D before and it was her own idea to try fixing the R). We went to sleep in separate beds again, but without any displays of anger.
It is very difficult to deal with her. Hour to hour it can feel like I'm with a completely different person. She alternates between insults and compliments, smiles and frowns. I am very worried about her abuse of meds and that fact that she doesn't even see it. I continue to get a lot of mixed signals about the future, and it is difficult to plan around. Before we left, I was about to rent a new apartment, but because of her floundering on a timeline to move back together, I'm now stuck in the same craphole with the possibility of being evicted. Fine, whatever...fixing this family is top priority, I'll deal with it somehow. More difficult to deal with is the chaotic nature of her thoughts, the blaming, the resentment, the projection, the controlling, the distance, and the continuing lack of regard for the feelings of others.
This is all summary, BTW. Further details to follow as I get my head straight.