spitfire,
Greetings.
I wander around the boards some, mostly posting on Midlife Crisis and Surviving the Bid D.
Hi Jorge, I see you are staying in touch with C regularily, I consider that a sign of friendship and concern.
C, I an only offer you my observations, having come out of two marriages, both ex-wives having suffered from childhood sexual abuse.
First off, your wife is reading... that is good in that she is trying to gain understanding.... she is a seeker now, not a runner.
What she is reading may be important.... there are good books out there for survivors of childhood abuse.
There are also excellant books out there for spouses of abuse victims. ( HINT TO YOU) ( I would recommend "Haunted Marriages" but it is out of print)
Consider this: Without a neutral, impartial, understanding listener... which is what a therapist is supposed to be..... most victims of life trauma end up coping with it by shutting down emotionally.... and by extension,physically.
This applies not just to sex abuse, but any kind of trauma.
Even survivors of airplane crashes have to deal with "survivor's guilt".
Your wife is shutting you out emotionally, and physicaly, to protect her fragile hurting psyche.
How to deal with that?
You cannot help her, she is the only one that can help herself.
She needs, but doesn't want, help.
She thinks she will deal with this on her own, yet it will likely result in something that is very like the state you are currently in.... a stalemate. She can drift into a state of "not thinking about it"... and going on indefinity.
Isn't this how she was operating for some years before this last crisis?
She can continue to be in a marriage to you, , but she will not be able to share a marriage bed with you.
she shows this now in that she can deal with you from a "safe" distance.( telephone, and at a distance)
She likely can deal with her "abuser" from a "safe" distance as well.
Until ( unless) she manages to find the courage to face her past, and deal with her emotions, she will likely retreat from any kind of emotional connection to you.
I will state the folowing thoughts in several ways, hopefully you will understand:
It is likely her emotions she is running from....
it is likely "how she feels around you" that she is running from.
It is likely that she thinks that "you make me feel this way!"
(In reality, you have done nothing extraordinary, you are just behaving normally, and yet she over-reacts and can accuse you of doing something intentionally so that she is not having to take responsibility for her own actions)
DBing is about perceptual changes..... changing your own perceptions about yourself, and about others, and about life .
Perceptions can be tricky... you may think things are hopeless when they are not, or you may think things are going well when they are not!
You may see something as a positive baby step, or you may see something as lacking in sincerity and care.
You may see someone that you want to spend the rest of your sexless life with, or you may see that person as wounded and unable to meet your basic needs and so unworthy of you continued support.
If you would have known that your wife would be like this, would you have married her?
If she would have known how you'd be, would she have married you?
You both did the best you could, back then. Given what you knew, and the skills you had in coping and decision making, you honestly did your best to make a go of it.
Perhaps marriage was a bigger project, a far more technical, and difficult effort than you had at first imagined.
Perhaps your wife thought that you'd understand and accept her without condemnation.
Perhaps she hoped that you would not bring up the past.
"the guilty run, even when no one is pursuing"
She cannot outrun her past, as it lives inside her. she needs to understand that it lives with her, even if she wants it to live somehwere else.
She has to come to terms with her past, and learn to live on in spite of its continued presence.
It is like a scar, you cannot remove a scar without the potential for creating a bigger one.
you learn to live with a scar.
and the greatest people learn to see how there can actually be positives in scars. they show that a person survived, and became stronger. and they can show other people their scars without shame.
As long as she feels shame and guilt, she has given her power away to someone else.
and she likely resents anyone and anything that reminds her of it.
You, my friend, have to make up your mind what you want to do.. you have made many positive changes, and learned many lessons,
My only question for you is this: have you only given up what you didn't need to continue life in happiness? Or did you give up too much?
What is the cost to you for staying in this relationship?
If you decide to stay in a sexually barren, emotionally explosive, and communicatively challanged relationship, well so be it.
Later on, you cannot blame your partner if you find yourself needing sex,emotional connection, and communication
but not getting anything like that from your partner.
I really like what one person recently said on another Board, maybe there are so many divorces because there are too many marriages....
But once in a marriage you have to work your way through it, or earn your way out of it.
Yes, I tend to be lengthy, but I only ask you to consider these words...
I am not asking you to accept them.
They are only my opinions.
one other opinion I can share, the five love languages won't be of much help to you... your wifes languages are hidden under layers of guilt.... she may be a "toucher", but cannot allow herself to be touched after her injury.
And as for what sdhe may have done 18 months ago to induce guilt.... it likely isn't much. what more than likely happened was that 18 months ago, her old guilt resurfaced, and she is too hurt by it now to face it. Old guilt is just as powerful as new guilt.
I will only say this: I can attest to that last opionion from my own experience.
Take care,
"Know -it - all "
Paul
But it is worth it, isn't it?
It's a cool 85 F here today. Getting ready for the beach on Thursday.....
