Feeling So Resentful - 10/22/14 09:14 PM
So after a year of hell all of a sudden H started acting normal again. He was loving. Things were pretty hot and heavy. No explanation about what happened. No indication that this was for real and not just another temporary upswing. And i ended up breaking down and telling him I don't know what is going on. I don't understand what this change in him means. And I don't know if I can trust him.
He admitted that i needed some answers. I started wondering if maybe there was an A after all, and it happened to end and that is why he changed. I was jealous and angry and discovered that back in April he opened up a FB page under a fake name and never bothered too friend me, even though we had some shared friends. I asked him to friend me and he refused. Said he isn't going to do it because I told him to. He has nothing to hide but I can't make him accept my friend request. I told him I feel humiliated by the fact that he has left me out of it. That he has only a handful of FB friends and I am not one of them. And that I have no idea what was going on with him the last year and just because now he is warm and fuzzy again doesn't make it any easier to feel safe about our relationship.
This was all a little over a month ago. We had a good talk where he took responsibility. Said he thought that things could just go back to normal but realized that he was going to have to put some work into it. Apologized for causing humiliation and explained that he was just in a place where he wanted to go rogue and just check out on life. He said that he was willing to go to counseling and was going to find a therapist.
over a month has past. No therapist or talk about it. No FB friend request acceptance (although his number of friends has grown from 25 to 50 and he changed the fake name to his real name, but he must just keep ignoring the friend request i sent him). I just recently got my dream job, one that will change our financial situations signficantly. His response was "good for you, you've worked hard for this". There is just no "us" or "we". No "Let's celebrate". Nothing. Just a pat on the back like an acquaintance would say.
He is away this week with our son. Today I signed my contract and sent him an excited text. No response. Last night I texted "Love you", this morning I got "Just got this. We are well. Phone died."
I feel like he is playing me. I'm so lonely. This should be such a happy time, but the reality is that now I have some really tough decisions to make. Now I won't be financially dependent on him anymore. All of the fears of getting D or S are gone--this past year I learned to love myself, I learned to detach, I learned to make time for me, and now I can support myself and my kids without having to make any major living or schooling changes for the kids. So now the decision all comes down to if I want this marriage to work or not.
And I'm not so sure. If I knew I could have the old him back, the one from 4 years ago, I would absolutely stick it out. But if this lonely, confusing, alcoholic marriage is all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life, then I want to move on. I knew there was something really wrong when it made me sick to my stomach when I had to choose a beneficiary for my life insurance policy. A few years ago i wouldn't have thought twice about it--who else but him. I wanted to leave him out all together this time, but instead I split it between him and the kids. I figure I can change it down the road if things change.
So what do I do? How do I know? Are there any tricks or tips that I should at this point? I think he likes the detached, divorce-busting me. The one who leaves him alone to drink all he wants, asks nothing of him, and validates. But when do my needs come into play? I want a partner. I want him to think of this life together as OURS. I don't want him to be my sloppy, inconsiderate roommate. We are finally going to be able to plan for the future we had almost given up on, but even looking at homes now I have this sick feeling in my stomach looking at the houses. In the past I would dream about entertaining, about how the rooms would be used for the kids and how I would like to decorate. Now I see him taking over a family room with all of his clutter and sleeping on the couch. I see me alone by a fireplace, with no one to snuggle next to.
I see him being annoyed when I invite people over. and The kids never being allowed to have friends over because he has to take a nap. Maybe I am just being pessimistic. But I am having a really hard time imagining things ever getting good again between us. The last time we had sex I was appalled at how disconnected I felt from him. In September we were so hot and heavy, but it was still only physical. There was no intimacy. There was no attempt on his part to make time for each other. And still no talk of us or we. Even with mundane matters like money and kids. It is There is him. There is me. There is me and the kids. There is him and the dog. I want US!
When he isn't around I get so angry and I think I just want to end it and move on with my life. But then when I see him all of that anger melts away and I just ache to be close to him. Is this part of piecing or is this a sign that just because he doesn't want D anymore doesn't mean the D is fully busted?
He admitted that i needed some answers. I started wondering if maybe there was an A after all, and it happened to end and that is why he changed. I was jealous and angry and discovered that back in April he opened up a FB page under a fake name and never bothered too friend me, even though we had some shared friends. I asked him to friend me and he refused. Said he isn't going to do it because I told him to. He has nothing to hide but I can't make him accept my friend request. I told him I feel humiliated by the fact that he has left me out of it. That he has only a handful of FB friends and I am not one of them. And that I have no idea what was going on with him the last year and just because now he is warm and fuzzy again doesn't make it any easier to feel safe about our relationship.
This was all a little over a month ago. We had a good talk where he took responsibility. Said he thought that things could just go back to normal but realized that he was going to have to put some work into it. Apologized for causing humiliation and explained that he was just in a place where he wanted to go rogue and just check out on life. He said that he was willing to go to counseling and was going to find a therapist.
over a month has past. No therapist or talk about it. No FB friend request acceptance (although his number of friends has grown from 25 to 50 and he changed the fake name to his real name, but he must just keep ignoring the friend request i sent him). I just recently got my dream job, one that will change our financial situations signficantly. His response was "good for you, you've worked hard for this". There is just no "us" or "we". No "Let's celebrate". Nothing. Just a pat on the back like an acquaintance would say.
He is away this week with our son. Today I signed my contract and sent him an excited text. No response. Last night I texted "Love you", this morning I got "Just got this. We are well. Phone died."
I feel like he is playing me. I'm so lonely. This should be such a happy time, but the reality is that now I have some really tough decisions to make. Now I won't be financially dependent on him anymore. All of the fears of getting D or S are gone--this past year I learned to love myself, I learned to detach, I learned to make time for me, and now I can support myself and my kids without having to make any major living or schooling changes for the kids. So now the decision all comes down to if I want this marriage to work or not.
And I'm not so sure. If I knew I could have the old him back, the one from 4 years ago, I would absolutely stick it out. But if this lonely, confusing, alcoholic marriage is all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life, then I want to move on. I knew there was something really wrong when it made me sick to my stomach when I had to choose a beneficiary for my life insurance policy. A few years ago i wouldn't have thought twice about it--who else but him. I wanted to leave him out all together this time, but instead I split it between him and the kids. I figure I can change it down the road if things change.
So what do I do? How do I know? Are there any tricks or tips that I should at this point? I think he likes the detached, divorce-busting me. The one who leaves him alone to drink all he wants, asks nothing of him, and validates. But when do my needs come into play? I want a partner. I want him to think of this life together as OURS. I don't want him to be my sloppy, inconsiderate roommate. We are finally going to be able to plan for the future we had almost given up on, but even looking at homes now I have this sick feeling in my stomach looking at the houses. In the past I would dream about entertaining, about how the rooms would be used for the kids and how I would like to decorate. Now I see him taking over a family room with all of his clutter and sleeping on the couch. I see me alone by a fireplace, with no one to snuggle next to.
I see him being annoyed when I invite people over. and The kids never being allowed to have friends over because he has to take a nap. Maybe I am just being pessimistic. But I am having a really hard time imagining things ever getting good again between us. The last time we had sex I was appalled at how disconnected I felt from him. In September we were so hot and heavy, but it was still only physical. There was no intimacy. There was no attempt on his part to make time for each other. And still no talk of us or we. Even with mundane matters like money and kids. It is There is him. There is me. There is me and the kids. There is him and the dog. I want US!
When he isn't around I get so angry and I think I just want to end it and move on with my life. But then when I see him all of that anger melts away and I just ache to be close to him. Is this part of piecing or is this a sign that just because he doesn't want D anymore doesn't mean the D is fully busted?