Trying to forgive

[T384]

I have been posting in newcomers for the duration. Of my time
On the boards and figured I should move myself here

A little over a week ago H, out of the blue, asked me to dinner. He had already asked a few family members to dinner and had told them
He changed his mind about everything. I didn't know of this until
The night before he asked me to dinner. I was under the impression (as we discussed via text) we were meeting to discuss legal issues (mediation was quickly approaching).

He ended up asking me if he had a chance. If we could try. He knew I had been hanging out wjth a guy friend. I was honest with him. This Om was a friend to me that was male attention but nothing physical. Just a lot of text/phone conversations and a few hang outs. I was honest with H about it. He told me he deserved for me to be with someone else for everything he's done

Well last night for the first time we took the boys do something fun. This last week he has been at my house every night. Even fallen asleep here a few nights. I have been gone 99% of the time working everyday. I leave the house at 530am and don't usually get home until 9ish. Friday night I didn't come home from work. As part of my GAL I had a mud volleyball tournament yesterday. H asked to come and I just said I didn't think it was a good idea yet and that I would see him later on. I'm trying to continue with my GAL and being independent. We are doing counseling at the end of this week. He has been here all day today and is doing things around the house for me while I'm cleaning up. He asked me to go to the gym tonight. He brought up OM today for the first time since dinner last week. Asking what was going on with that

I work with Om and have not seen him outside of work since before I had dinner wjth H about R. OM and I have drastically cut down how much we talk. We maybe send a few texts every couple days and he has stopped calling. I told him I need some space. At work he has talked to me a bit and I've stayed quiet. so I am distancing myself from him. I just don't know I want to tell H all of
This. My guard is really up with him.

So here I am

How
Do I let go of all the hurt and resentment for what he has done?
How do I let go of everything with OW?
He won't completely admit to everything - for example this morning he said she's not the reason he didn't go on our famiy vacation in March (during our S he told me they weren't even friends) now this morning it changes to oh I didn't really see her while you and the boys were on vacation to oh she brought me dinner a few nights but it wasn't like that.

I just want to SCREAM. How can I let go if he can't even fully admit. His excuse is I don't remember the exact time line of everything. Just like he told me in may there was no one else. Yet he admitted they were physical starting in April.

Well what is it H?

I don't know if I'm in piecing with all of these feelings. I don't know what to do. Do I stop letting him around so much? I don't tell him I love him. He tells me. We have kissed. I'm just so confused. I'm so hurt by all this nonsense with OW and the fact that he's lied so much about it and can't be flat out honest right now and the excuse of I don't remember drives me nuts!

Thanks in advance

[Ss06]

I am not a vet, T0, so take all of this with a grain of salt and get someone who knows what the heck their talking about before following my advice but I'll say this:

He is going to trickle truth you to death because he's afraid if you knew ALL OF IT, you wouldn't consider working on things which is what he wants right now. You need to think about what YOU want.

Do you want to work on this?

Are you willing to do it without ALL of the story or will him thinking he got away with partial truths be all you can think about?

The "I don't remember" line is complete BS. He knows every single detail and approximate time. You're a mother - you have GREAT instincts - trust them.

Do you need to see his phone? His email accounts? Is that permitted in DB?

To me, working on the marriage means owning up to your chit. You need to do that and so does he. Starting that off with lies by omission or "I don't remember" is him avoiding the issue at hand. He can't just walk back in and say "let's pretend this never happened, I'm here now". He needs to honor your pain, your wondering, your confusion, your anger, by being upfront if that is what YOU want. Your needs matter. Make them known.

[T384]

SS - thank you

He had been 'owning' what he did. But I feel like today he just wants to move forward and stop digging in. I really hope this can all be addressed with counseling.

I do want to save my M. That's why I joined here to begin with. When H first approached me I was apprehensive. I had so many reservations that I thought meant I wanted to D. But I realized I am apprehensive but I do want to give it's shot. Woundedfool said something that really set the tone for me when I said I didn't want to risk putting the boys through this again. He said what about shared weekends holidays and vacations for the rest of their life... That's so true to me and I just needed to be reminded of that

I just don't know how should I be acting? I see myself getting comfortable with H being around the house hugging me telling me he loves me like everything is fine.

[labug]

I wrote a post that got trimmed. The gist was, you'll get more traffic in Newcomers.