I was totally despondent. I thought my marriage was over. I followed DB and sought SBT. I credit my husband with the turnaround. He decided before disruptive my daughter's life, that it was an illusion. And he chose to be with me. I am struggling with the day to day. We have a great rapport. We are loving and affectionate. Sex is rare. I feel he is still seeking emotional intimacy elsewhere. whether is is the OW or someone else I try not to care. My question is: if I confront it, our time is monopolized by bad stuff and conflict. Do I ignore it and just work on building our relationship? This is harder than I thought it would be going in. I thought that once I won him back it would be rebuilding and making our life what we wanted...there is still so mush doubt and pain on my side. And I feel he still seeks "being known" on a deep, excitement level that the woman he lives with can't obtain. Is there anyone who can advise me on the piecing stages that rebuild trust and romantic love?
You won't get much traffic here. ARe you still talking with a DB coach?
Are you and H in some kind of counseling? That's where I would start.
What are you doing to increase your emotional intimacy with H?
Did your husband agree to no-contact and full transparency as part of your reconciliation? Counseling, preferably with someone specifically trained in dealing with infidelity?
That is key. Without it, you're never going to feel safe, and he's at a VERY high risk to repeat the infidelity.
Starsky
Hang in there, BB. yes, be as supportive as you can. It may be that he is struggling right now, it is really hard to get rid of an OW, but keep on DBing. It shouldn't stop just because he has said he chooses you.
The pain and doubt on your side is that hardest to deal with. I am already 3 years out of it but once in a while I still recall what happened and it still hurts. It will really take time to get back to what it was, if ever. But I will tell you, if you do not let it rule your life the insight you gained into the relationship will help you make it even better.
Your husband is a good man; he cares for your daughter, he realized it is an illusion that the OW gave him.... the illusion that grass is greener on the other side. Lucky you, he is affectionate. It shows that he has made the decision to love, and that is the most important. He may be fighting whatever leftover feeling he has for the OW, and that will make himn a bit depressed and distant for a few months. That is normal.
I am confident that if you don't push him away by being demanding, by allowing him to heal, that you will have him back. Don't confront him yet, now is not the time, there will be time for that later.
I advice you to go to retrouvaille, I think it will be really good for your situation.
Beaumont, how about an update?
Starsky