yesterdays c session had me a bit upset....
c paraphrased h as having said...
now that I've had those feelings and been in an r like that I don't know if I'm capable of feeling like that again.
in other words...is h capable of falling in love with me???
am I capable of falling in love with h???
can we get back that connection????
we seem to be able to do it best on the phone....
I know the feeling h is seeking...we did have it for eachother long ago...h did put exclamation marks after my name on his schedule....it was there once...I let it grow in to love and so did h...over the years that feeling faded..."you've lost that loving feeling, now it's gone gone gone waoo ooo oooh"
I want that twinge that tingle...want h to have it too...
now what to do???
I know we both have a deep love for eachother...that shows everyday...but what about the "in love"
how can we feed that....make it grow???
LL
ll, i don't know for sure how to fall in love again, i think it must be different for different couples. and really, the love your h felt for ow was never "lived" or tested. it existed in the context of an affair. not a mature reality based love. like you said you 2 have a deep love. that is real. how about a warm feeling to begin with? i get that now, and i have hope that i will once again have the feelings for my h that i used to.
doing things like when we were dating has helped and our c has helped a lot.
you will get there.
lisa
Quote:
and really, the love your h felt for ow was never "lived" or tested. it existed in the context of an affair. not a mature reality based love.
I know that...(most of the time) but I'm not sure h knows that...yet.
I'm just at a loss...I don't know...
I feel foolish wanting h to have those feelings for me...when I myself lost those feelings a long time ago...
sometimes I wonder if h and ow actually belong together and her h and I were simply in the way...
sad!!
I wish h hadn't fallen in love with her...I wish h would understand that those feelings are easy to keep when it isn't a "real" r...when you have no responsibility or obligation to that person it's easy to keep feeling that way....
maybe that's something he started to realize once their r wasn't just fun...once they started talking feelings...once she decided to leave her h...once is started to get real...
oh to many thoughts in my head...
note to self...stop worrying about what h does or doesn't feel and pay more attention to your own feelings!! cause they need work too!!
thank you lisa!!
LL
Quote:
note to self...stop worrying about what h does or doesn't feel and pay more attention to your own feelings!! cause they need work too!!
LL - couldn't put it any better than you just did.
Now I just need to heed your advice as well...
ll, whenever i have gotten off track, you have steered me back in the right direction. thank you.
you are not silly for wanting your h to be in love with you even if you aren't sure you are yet either. if he expressed he was madly in love with you, i bet your in love feelings wouldn't be too far behind.
my h just recently realized it wasn't real love with him and ow #1. our c said last night it is defind as love by the two having an affair, but is not the love a husband and wife share. it sucks knowing my h loved another no matter what that means. it was feelings and passion and fun.
ya, ll. we just have to put it behind us. h and i are a little further along than you and your h. you will get there. and i wish i had a fling sometimes and had some fun while h was professing his love to ow. but i didn't. and i have nothing to feel guilty about. and you don't either!
how are the kids? my d has a terrible bug. we stayed home today. it snowed here last night! rainy and cold today. i think we will feel better when spring actually proves its here! lisa
Hey LL,
I don't think that you have that mad rush of loving feelings in a mature R. Sure, a flash here and there. But, i think the madly in love rush of chemicals in your body only happens for a sustained peiod during the intitial period of bonding.
Nevertheless, some things help. Difference, unique experiences, having a wild fling at a B&B... Crazy sex in the middle of the night...
Sounds like you are doing better than you think.
Acorn
Quoting lostlove:
I know we both have a deep love for eachother...that shows everyday...but what about the "in love"
Wow! I just had another one of those lightbulb moments, now to get it down in words.
That elusive but so much sought after "in love"...those tingles...what are they from? They are the feelings we get when we discover we want to offer and share something that's important to our spirit with our partner. What makes us feel connected in a passion of being "in-love" is when we receive validation from partner that the offering is special. That twinkle in their eye, the glowing smile...however they reacted to our offering that gave us those warm "fuzzies". That is where the importance of reading each others love languages is so important.
Over time with the addition of obligations and responsibilities and our expectations to keep receiving those offers, we tend to start tuning out the validations. Without the validation, the offerings lose some of that "tingle". Also as we repeat what we offered before, it starts to become old, expected, and loses the excitement of new discovery. We start decreasing the frequency of the offerings, but continue to do what we feel obligated to do because we know they are worth it because we love them. Hence we love them, but don't feel in love with them and visa versa. If the special offerings decrease to nearly nothing and all we are left doing is what we feel obligated to do, then the doubt begins to set in if there is love at all.
Quoting lostlove:
how can we feed that....make it grow???
By returning to offering to our spouse what is important to making us feel happy. Experiment with trying to find new ways to show our love and to exciting ways to enjoy sharing our company with our spouses. When we strike on finding what works, we will get validation from them, then cycle has been started or "sparked".
To keep those feelings going we have to continue to find new ways to keep our offerings fresh and exciting. Of coarse, by then we can't be doing it alone. Once the spark is ingnited, then our spouses should be making such offering as well. As you said LL:
Quote:
...we did have it for eachother long ago...
Still not easy to achieve and most may chuck it up as chemistry...either its there or its not, as they rely more on their natural "talent" to find the right balance between offering and validation. But by understanding a little better its more important to how we feel should be what we are willing to offer rather than what we expect to recieve from them. We're all fearful of giving unconditionally because we been hurt before, but in order to achieve those "in-love" tingles we have trust to give unconditionally again.
I not really sure I'm conveying my message with a sense of realism, but I can say there are times where I have felt a resurrection of those "tingles". I think Lisa too may know what I'm talking about (I hope at least). The point I feel I'm at now, is struggling to find that right balance in order to keep those "in-love" tingles going for the both of us.
Sorry to hi-jack your thread here with my some of my personal saga, but it was your posts that brought this collection of thoughts to the surface. I hope it helps some.
'til later,
KAW
I don't believe I ever stopped doing those things (cept for while h was gone)
I still try to do those things everyday....
h on the other hand does them when they are convenient if at all...
it seems as if I am the one trying to figure out what makes him happy and am working overtime to give...
what about me???
what about my needs and wants???
I can keep doing all these things for h and perhaps eventually if not already...he'll have warm fuzzies for me...I on the other hand have to search for things to make me smile...search for things that make me feel good about the r...
when will h search for ways to make me happy...it's not like I don't tell him what I want and need it's just that he doesn't always want to give...
LL
maybe I should just exept the fact that I am a wife...I'll make sure h has breakfast to take on the road with him...make him som calzones to take with him so he'll eat lunch...make his coffee...tell him he's cute...thank him for cutting down trees...offer to help with the yard...do his laundry...be supportive of him when he's down about work pressure...stay posstive...keep my own worries to myself...keep my own needs to myself....
how to make LL happy???
not to hard...
ask her to go do something....
give her physcial attention...
how to make h happy....
treat him like a king and expect nothing in return!! oh and don't dare ask for what you need.
LL
Quote:
how to make h happy....
treat him like a king and expect nothing in return!! oh and don't dare ask for what you need.
it was sunday night that we had our last tif...I was wanting h to be close to me and h was not gettig the clue...even when I was blatant about what I wanted h still didn't get the clue and even if he did...he ignored it..
I have not bothered to make another advance...have not bothered to speak out...I don't want to be rejected again..but am I not being rejected even without making an advance...
I want h to want to sit with me..
I want h to want to put his hands on me even if in a non sexual way...
I want h to walk up behind me and put his arms around me...
I want h to run his hands through my hair...
I want h to want me!!!
why doesn't h want me unless he's horny???
LL
Oh its tough to consciously recreate and it will take two to tangle to get to that point, and it will take alot of work, but no more effort than the first time. Its just we really didn't put that much thought about how much effort it was initially because we were concentrating on our feelings of euphoria "falling in love" that came from those efforts. Being more aware of making the effort can take some of the euphoria away, but once we start to experience the rewards of our efforts. it will come back. Its like the reasons why the athelete goes through all the effort of training to win an event.
LL, you've been down the road of telling him what he can do to make you happy. When he does them, then you have questioned why it did give you feeling you were hoping for.
When you first fell in love, it was not because he did what you asked for, but because you accepted what he had to offer. At first they were new, totally unexpected and a risk to take. Your H throwing his cell phone out the window is a perfect example of what I'm trying to say here. In return, we need to validate we appreciate their offering...as the say, not for the act itself, but for the thought behind it.
Now don't get me wrong now one act is going to turn it around, but recognize that your H is taking the first steps. If I remember right, you say you date for awhile before getting M. Think of what you are doing now as a renewed courtship. At first those feeling are not there, but they grow when we nurture them.
'til later,
KAW
P.S. Well this is in response to your first posting today. By the time I submitted it I see you have posted some more. I'll have to go back and read those others...
What kind of relationships does his side of the family have while he grew up? Did they take stock in showing expressions of affection? I, for one, know what its like to grow up in a family that rarely showed physical affection. It took my wife and her family to open my eyes to a whole new way to interact. Still it took several years to get to the point where I was comfortable doing it myself or even being on the receiving end.
It might be that he does not see as much value of doing the the "mushy" stuff as other do.
'til later,
KAW
seems to me they are very much acts of service people...well h I've got an act you can service me with!!!
this is a loosing battle with h...this is not a new issue...has been an issue for probably 10 of the 14 years we've been together it just got worse once we married.
I realized long ago that h was "acts of service" orriented and I obliged, volunteering to help with his company when he started it...sorting out paper work...adressing envelopes (before he got a puter to do it) physically laboring in the field with him before he got all his fancy equiptment and employees...I washed his truck for him while he worked in the office so that he wouldn't have to do it and then we could get onto my "quality time" together wich was actually me taggin along and taking an interest in football to be with him.
when he finally moved out of his house...I volunteered to clean once a week..they paid me 50 bucks to do it...a house with three guys living in it a mess...for 50 bucks?? it wasn't for the money...
one day I even scrubbed their damn nasty shower left a funny note (which h still has) that aliens needed the soap scum to run their space ship..hope they wouldn't mind that I let them take it...
I took to h's way of giving gifts...I was never a big gift person but it was h's way so I obliged and when I would find cute little things I'd get them for him...
when we were first married I cooked dinner everynight even dessert...came home from work...gave him my check..took care of him...even gave him a damn pedicure one night...
all he had to do was stay awake long enough to ravish his wife in some physical way but did he?? nope...
spend some time with her...did he?? nope..
tell me again why I let him come home??
so i could cook for someone?
so I could do extra laundry??
so I could worry if I was keeping the house clean enough??
so I could look at a man and want him but not be able to have him??
I dunno! at least h will now accept my invites to go out and do things...maybe it will take a while if ever before he accepts my invites to do me!!
LL
LL,
Ever consider couple's sexuality counseling? Just a thought? My Dad (an anglo-saxon) doesn't have a clue on how to be affectionate or intimate. Luckily, my Mom (French and Italian) was always very warm and affectionate. I like to think I inherited this from Mom. Anyways, my STBX was rarely in the same place as me affectionately or intimately. She was too concerned about crumbs on the floor or a pillow being out of place.
I guess my point is, some people just don't know how to show affection, or how to get the intimacy thing going in an enjoyable way. They need to be taught. Then they need to practice
!
Again...just a thought?
jim
I was going to recommend "Five Love Languages" but you seem to have the subject reserched...
If H is unwilling to cooperate - perhaps it will take more time and patience (my situation with WAW exactly) or maybe you should take further measures (pull away more, concentrate on yourself and stop servicing H, or lovingly continue anyways... Love is a lot of work and requires that
we put 100% regardless of what the other spouse does. The only limiting factor is when
we decide, that enough is enough...
I see people who are not affectionate all around me... Since I was raised by women - I have the advantage of being more in touch with my feelings. As such, I can display affection to my W and D with ease... But not everyone is so fortunate or so educated. Some men need to be trained
Just my 2 cents...
U.
Quoting lostlove:
I want h to want to sit with me..
I want h to want to put his hands on me even if in a non sexual way...
I want h to walk up behind me and put his arms around me...
I want h to run his hands through my hair...
I want h to want me!!!
why doesn't h want me unless he's horny???
Have similar problems with my WAW. Things have gotten much better recently - you can read my posts if you wish... but she still has a challenge with displaying affection in a physical way. And I don't mean sex.
I like to be held and cuddled. I like her to embrace me and just stay for a moment. I am a very "touchy" person. It's a long journey, I will tell you that. She is learning. Your H can learn, too... if he wants to. You cannot make him.
U.
Quote:
Your H can learn, too... if he wants to. You cannot make him.
oh poo!!!
LL
Interesting discussion going on here. I think you’ve all pretty much got it. You know what you want, and even vaguely how to get it. Nobody seems to have the magic formula, but I think the important part is that you’re looking for it.
There’s a plethora of information out there on how a “normal” relationship evolves. Much of this promotes the idea that after the “infatuation” stage, reality starts to kick in. Once that happens, there’s disalusionment, and we all know the rest.
Michele’s
The Marriage Map walks us through the stages of “Passion prevails”, “What was I thinking?”, “Everything would be great if you changed”, and “That's just the way s/he is”
This is where a lot of the relationship advice ends. But Michele takes it one step further to the “Together, at last” stage.
The “Together, at last” stage seems rather idealistic and implies that in a sense you’ve come full circle. Not exactly. There’s the additional aspect of accepting each other’s faults, whereas in the “Passion” stage, you didn’t even see them.
I think it’s very difficult for us to accept our SO’s shortcomings because we now have what is commonly referred to as baggage.
To my mind, the only way to progress to stage 5 is to shed the baggage, and the only way to do that is to go beyond acceptance of our SO’s faults, and to turn a blind eye to them. In other words, you go truly go back to stage 1 with the awareness of what you’re doing.
In the “romantic” stage of our relationships, it’s natural to do all of this. The trick is to make it natural again.
How do you do that?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm…
Quoting Michele:
Posted on 06/20/02 10:13 PM on Concerning "I don't know if I love you anymore"
Tim,
I share your feeings about the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore," or something like that syndrome. It's exasperating.
But I don't think it's as confusing as you do. Love is a decision. It's not just a feeling. In order to maintain love over time, you have to decide each morning to do the things that will bring you close to your spouse and stop doing things that push you further away. You need to spend time together. YOu need to listen to each other, talk, make love, show interest in your spouse's life. Love is a decision to do all these things even when you aren't feeling crazy about your spouse. Love is a commitment.
So when one person says, "I don't love you anymore," what s/he is saying is "I don't feel like putting energy into this marriage." "I'm going to focus on all the bad times we've had and that will make me feel distant from you." "If I feel distant and separate from you, I can focus on me and make myself happy." It really is a decision to cut oneself off from positive feelings about the marriage.
If you've had good times together in your marriage, those memories don't just disappear. They live within us. However, sometimes when people burn out in a marriage, they bury those good feelings and memories so deep, it almost seems as if they're not there anymore. People convince themselves that the loving feelings have evaporated. They sometimes even tell themselves that they never loved you in the first place. This allows them to pull away. IT's a rationalization. But it's a rationalization that really hurts when you are the receiver of it.
So I understand your feelings. But you need to remember that whatever you feel in your heart about your marriage is real. Your wife's current perspective is colored by her need to pull away right now. Don't over-react and whatever you do, stop trying to point out to her that she isn't thinking clearly or seeing things accurately. That will only make her more certain she doesn't love you. And I know you don't want that.
Keep DBing and hang in there.
Michele
And for those of you who are working on your own feelings, it goes both ways.
Quoting uvision:
???? 
I think we have hit a language barrier ? You are disagreeing or just disappointed ?
dissapointed!!! h accepts that his low or inconsistant drive is just the way he is...but doesn't accept that my drive is high...doesn't seem to want to find the balance...
grrrr!
LL
Have you tried seducing your husband ? I mean like really putting some action into it. Fancy visual entertainment ? Perhaps being a little bit mysterious ?
U.
Quote:
Have you tried seducing your husband ? I mean like really putting some action into it. Fancy visual entertainment ? Perhaps being a little bit mysterious ?
through out the years let's just say I've tried everything...
it seems the only thing that worked was h leaving for ow...then returning...and "having been out of the loop" wanting/needing it more...that has since subdude...
I have been rejected so much over the years that I don't dare go to an extreme (though one night I did sit in front of the fireplace in nothing buy my underwear..said...I'm hot...and h took it as I was just hot and didn't want to be bothered...c'mon now...a woman is sitting in front of a fire in nothing but a thong and you watch tv simply because she said she was hot??)
I guess I just have to be a wife...to bad this is 2003 and not 1950 then I'd understand and have an easier time accepting it.
LL
You could leave him and find someone who would be more compatible, I suppose ? That is always an option, albeit probably not the advise you would expect
Do you know what I mean ? I will continue to love my WAW 100%, but one day I will have to make a decision, unless she makes one first.
U.
Quoting uvision:
You could leave him and find someone who would be more compatible, I suppose ? That is always an option, albeit probably not the advise you would expect
Do you know what I mean ? I will continue to love my WAW 100%, but one day I will have to make a decision, unless she makes one first.
U.
yup! but for some reason I haven't left yet...and now am faced with the fact that he did...even though he came back!!
LL
quote:
I have been rejected so much over the years that I don't dare go to an extreme (though one night I did sit in front of the fireplace in nothing buy my underwear..said...I'm hot...and h took it as I was just hot and didn't want to be bothered...c'mon now...a woman is sitting in front of a fire in nothing but a thong and you watch tv simply because she said she was hot??)
I guess I just have to be a wife...to bad this is 2003 and not 1950 then I'd understand and have an easier time accepting it.
______________________________________-
June Cleaver says to Ward... honey? can you put this fire out? Ward looks at June like she's crazy, lightbulbs go off.... OH.... she means....
But what about the Beav???
hope your weekend's a good one ll
How about phone-sex ? You said that you seem to have the best kind of a "connection" (no pun intended) with H that way ?
I am by no means making fun of your feelings... I am in the same boat you know ?
U.
Quoting uvision:
How about phone-sex ? You said that you seem to have the best kind of a "connection" (no pun intended) with H that way ?
I am by no means making fun of your feelings... I am in the same boat you know ?
U.
the other day while on the phone with h I said...here's a hug for you (he was stressed) he appreciated it said he needed a hug...I said oops..I pinched your butt too...I just couldn't help it...and that was the end of that!!
guess I'll just have to take it when I can get it...and try not to let the resentment of well he gets it when he wants build!!
LL
oh LL,
You are speaking my thoughts! Feeling my feelings.
I am ACHING to be touched, fondled, WANTED, desired. My H doesn't even give me appreciative glances. He did say he liked a new top I had on yesterday, but...when I'm walking around in a thong I'd like to hear...anything!!
Your H is affectionate only when horny, I'm not sure my H ever IS horny...but wait, he must get there sometimes, there were two OW
.
I know your frustration and anger there too. How could it be THEM who cheated? Wouldn't most people expect it to be us who would stray?
About the whole discussion of the "in love" passion phase...it's a known fact that this doesn't last. 6 months, a year or two at the most. It's hormone driven, based in evolution, keeps a couple together long enough to procreate, help an infant survive.
Not very flowery, is it? I don't think we can ever "recapture" that with our S's. But we can rekindle "whispers" of it as someone (KAW? Acorn) said earlier.
It's just so frustrating when we're the ones trying and trying and getting so little in return.
Your thong in front of the fire? Exactly the same thing as me in my Valentine's get-up grinding to "sexy lady" while H was consumed by finding the next tune on the computer
.
It hurts to be rejected that way. I spoke to him about it. He said to "bump into him" or something! Tried that too, seems that all the advances are mine.
And as you said (and as I assured H) it's not all about SEX, it just want to feel desirable, needed, wanted. I get some of that from male friends, I know I'm attractive! But the very person I want it from.....ARGGGHHH!
Has your H read Sex Starve Marriage? I sure hope my H picks it up soon.
Shiny
Quote:
Has your H read Sex Starve Marriage? I sure hope my H picks it up soon.
ya he picked it up...when I threw it on the floor sunday night...after trying to be subtle about my desires...and having been told so many times...I'll be up in a while....I'll be up in a while...do you get it h???
I threw the book down on the floor...went upstairs alone...came back down...appologized (ya me appologizing for having needs and expecting him to uh! help out) then went to the store bought him butts and then went to bed...he did cuddle me told me to just relax...etc...but nothing!!
so h did pick up the book...but not to read it...don't think he even bothered to glance at the title he simply picked it up and put it on the counter with the rest.
that was that...it's now friday and I'm at the point where I almost don't even want him to initiate anything...cause then it's on his terms...and not mine!! when he wants it...when he's in the mood...
if I knew what made him in the mood I'd do more of it...but there is no pattern...can't even connect it to the moon or anything..not what I'm wearing...cause I could be dressed nice and be ignored...I could be dressed like a slob and be advanced at...it could be morning...it could be night...it could be afternoon...it could be the third wed of each month...I don't know???
I do still wonder...did he ever make an advance physically toward ow in a sexual manner??
would that matter??
LL
How often is H in the mood ? He never volunteers to satisfy your... ahem... urges... voluntarily ? Unselfishly ? Man... I love if that's all my W wants... even just that. I love doing it. I guess some men are really crazy...
Anyways, just after reading what you wild women do for your unapreciative H's - I will probably not be able to concentrate at work...
I am trying to imagine my W in a thong in front of the fireplace... Oh boy....
Oh well, strange world...
U.
hi andy,
thanx for stopping by...
I know tims stuff and read that thread while it was current...it concerned the whole love you not in love with you theme...
when h's reason for d was stated to me as "i love you I'm not in love with you" my response to him was simply this...I'm not in love with you either...I just happen to love you.
didn't matter to him...suppose now those "in love" feelings he had for ow don't matter much as he is home now...
thing is I want him to have those in love feelings for me!!
despite the many times I felt like giving up...not doing for him anymore...I still do...when he angers me..frustrates me...I still return home from the store with a nice work jacket for him...did he ask? no, did he need it?? he may not have thought so but he sure did appreciate it when he wore it out plowing..and even commented on how comfy it was.
when do I get mine??
by all reasoning...I should have been a waw...the only reason I wasn't is because some how somewhere along the way I learned what love was really all about...I knew this long before I even reached marrying age...I even wrote a note to h about it...though then I didn't use such terms as love languages or love vs. in love...I used words like comfortable...give and take...respect...etc.
I kept giving...h kept continuing to stop giving...gave in his own way on his own terms...resentment grew from me...pushing him away...it's a wonder we even got married...guess that was the love still holding strong...but even after all this...I'm still not feeling like I'm getting as much as I give...should it matter??
I suppose not...but sometimes it does.
LL
Holy Moley, LL
I didn't think I was going to need a cold shower tonight, until I read your new thread!!!!!!!!
I copied some interesting parts, and will comment on them!
sometimes I wonder if h and ow actually belong together Does that sound like some one you know? Some one you have been trying to convince otherwise? You are better than OW!!!!!
make him some calzones to take with him so he'll eat lunch I knew it, I knew it!
this is a loosing battle with h...this is not a new issue...has been an issue for probably 10 of the 14 years we've been together it just got worse once we married. I was wondering if I missed this in all of your posts! This is something I REALLY don't understand. OG treats my W like that, and she says she appreciates not being treated like a piece of meat. Please don't take this wrong, LL, and I'm not stalking a serial poster, but it is possible that we marry the wrong people? My W needs a H like yours, and I need a W like you!? Even then, would we be compatable? Putting aside our age difference, it would be great, but I assure you, there would be something else we would argue about! THAT'S LIFE!
It IS possible that H wasn't doing the nasty thing with OW! Maybe she understood. Maybe he told her you were always pressuring him for sex, and she wasn't! Maybe she has an average build (oh yea, she's small) and you are built like a BSH! Maybe H feels like you are too good for him! Maybe, maybe, maybe! Who the fu** knows? You said it on one of my posts, "people suck", "life sucks"
Miss Chevy Tahoe told me that 13 of the 14 years she was married to H2 they didn't have sex!!! During a counciling session, H saw an attractive secretary, and wanted to keep going back! That secretary was enough to make him start having sex with his W?????? After 13 years, maybe that's what killed him! I told her I couldn't be married to her for 13 SECONDS with out having sex! If we went for it, would I feel guilty? Maybe! Could she make me forget W? Maybe! Would she care if she might ruin my chances of W returning? Maybe! Would the novelty wear off? Maybe! Would she possibly be my last chance for eternal happiness? Maybe! Is my W comming back? HELL NO, SHE DIDN'T PASS UP HER CHANCE AT ETERNAL HAPPINESS! Will she ever regret it? Maybe! Will DB'ing help? Maybe!
when we were first married I cooked dinner everynight even dessert...came home from work...gave him my check..took care of him...even gave him a damn pedicure one night... all he had to do was stay awake long enough to ravish his wife in some physical way but did he?? nope... LL, W did the same for me, and I ravished the hell out of her for 30 years, and look where it got me! NOW she tells me our M was all about sex for me and nothing else! Hell, and I thought she appreciated it! Since this happened between us, I told her she spoke my love language, but I guess I never knew hers, AND STILL DON'T! Now she won't even give me a chance to learn!
I think we have hit a language barrier ? You are disagreeing or just disappointed (UVISION) No language barrier here, I understand you LOUD AND CLEAR!
through out the years let's just say I've tried everything... W has DR, so I can't give you the page number, but Michelle says "If you think you've tried everything' I'm here to tell you that you haven't" IMHO, you're trying pretty damn Hard! Read DR again!
though one night I did sit in front of the fireplace in nothing buy my underwear..said...I'm hot Holy Moley, LL, I'm glad I didn't finish hooking up the water heater!!!!!
LL,
I really don't have any advice for you! I ache so bad to be holding my wife every night, like I have for 30 years! Is there any one else that could replace her? Yea, yea, yea, MAYBE! After she dropped the bomb, she has only let me hold her once! That meant more to me than sex ( ? ). Is love sex? Is sex love?
I guess just back off! Don't treat him like a "piece of meat" Don't "grump" when he is watching TV, and not paying any attention to you. DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX! Don't go out with out him "dressed to kill". Get your chores done early ( so I'm macho )so you can go to bed right after he does. Don't talk in bed! Don't touch him , but let him know by your actions you want him to hold you! Look good, smell nice, put clean sheets on the bed! Ask him if he would be willing to put one night a week aside for sex! He will! Then ENJOY IT! Every Sunday, change the day of the week! Make it romantic! Send kids to MIL. Get a hotel! Tell him you want this M to work! Ask him what HE wants!
GOD! WHERE'S W!!!!!!!!
T
ny
(though one night I did sit in front of the fireplace in nothing buy my underwear..said...I'm hot
LL,
I don't think your C had any business telling you what H said! Sounds more like a troublemaker than a C! Look for another one!
Tony
tony,
you are right it's not all about sex I realize that, I don't look at h like a piece of meat though sometimes it does come across that way...when it comes to sex sometimes it's just for the sex and other times it's for the way he hugs me and kisses me afterward. what I'm looking for is the holding hands, the gentle kiss on the cheek, his arm around me...I guess I notice these things more when we go out and it had been so long since we left the house together...why does it just have to be when we leave the house?? why can't h put his arm around me in our back yard?? h built a bon fire in the back yard last night...asked if I was comming out...I did...I sat on a stump while he poked at the fire..tossing on more leaves etc...it was nice but I would have enjoyed it more if for one min h stood next to me or even snuck a little kiss...
all the things that h used to do...and honestly is starting to do again...just slowly and because of all this I leave all initiation up to him why?? he doesn't reject those offerings from me...just the sexual ones.
Quote:
I don't think your C had any business telling you what H said! Sounds more like a troublemaker than a C! Look for another one!
c didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know.
and h did a good job of repairing things afterward.
we have a joint session in a few weeks...we'll see how that goes..if c is a trouble maker then we'll find a new one with no problem.
also something to keep in mind...c has been listening to me regularly since june every week or every other week...this was the first time he got a chance to talk to h...I do understand h's feelings...fears...etc...I know the feeling he's looking for (at least I think I do) I just didn't do a good job of hearing it from c and c didn't do a good job of calming me down (but then again I didn't give him much of a chance cause I wouldn't shut up to listen)
LL
Hi LL,
Quoting lostlove:
when h's reason for d was stated to me as "i love you I'm not in love with you" my response to him was simply this...I'm not in love with you either...I just happen to love you.
didn't matter to him...suppose now those "in love" feelings he had for ow don't matter much as he is home now...
thing is I want him to have those in love feelings for me!!
There are so many definitions of love/in love that it’s hard to figure out what the missing piece is. Your post got me to thinking… Love is based on how you feel about your spouse. S/he is caring, responsible, loving, etc. etc. etc. “In love” is about how your spouse makes you feel.
If your H has those in love feelings for you, you feel loved and will be in love with him. If you can throw away the scorecard, you will continue to love your spouse. But if things seem to be one-sided, you can’t maintain “in love” for very long.
Quoting lostlove:
despite the many times I felt like giving up...not doing for him anymore...I still do...when he angers me..frustrates me...I still return home from the store with a nice work jacket for him...did he ask? no, did he need it?? he may not have thought so but he sure did appreciate it when he wore it out plowing..and even commented on how comfy it was.
when do I get mine??
Why do you want yours? If you want a jacket, go out and buy one. But that’s not the point, is it? The point is that you want to feel loved and appreciated. You want this so you can be in love with your H.
Quoting lostlove:
by all reasoning...I should have been a waw...the only reason I wasn't is because some how somewhere along the way I learned what love was really all about...I knew this long before I even reached marrying age...I even wrote a note to h about it...though then I didn't use such terms as love languages or love vs. in love...I used words like comfortable...give and take...respect...etc.
I kept giving...h kept continuing to stop giving...gave in his own way on his own terms...resentment grew from me...pushing him away...it's a wonder we even got married...guess that was the love still holding strong...but even after all this...I'm still not feeling like I'm getting as much as I give...should it matter??
I suppose not...but sometimes it does.
Comfortable = love
Respect = love
Give and take = in love
Is it important? You betcha!
LL,
I wasn't aware that you had such a long standing relationship with C. The joint session may do H some good, I hope so!
STBXWhore tells me NOW that the only reason she had sex with me is because it was the only time I gave her any attention! If that was the case, she sure got a lot of attention
. I did a lot more than that for her, but she has blocked out ALL good memories! (Typical WAS reaction)
You and everyone else tells me to have patience, patience patience! How much longer can you and I be patient? Eventually the time comes when we know! STBXWhore says M is like a job, either put up with it or get out! I told her there was a better option: FIX IT! She choose to get out!
T
ny
Quoting Andy:
If your H has those in love feelings for you, you feel loved and will be in love with him. If you can throw away the scorecard, you will continue to love your spouse. But if things seem to be one-sided, you can’t maintain “in love” for very long. ...
Comfortable = love
Respect = love
Give and take = in love
Offerings + validations = in love
'til later,
KAW
here's the letter I mentioned before...it was written in 93 we were married in 97 and it is now 2003 (it's taken h a while but I think he gets it) I belive I was 20 when I wrote this so forgive it's ignorance if you find some...
dear bf,
I don't know if I should actually be writing to you since you've just left my house angry at me but I don't know what else to do. It seems that whenever I try to tell you how I feel about our r you just get pissed off at me and we end up in a big fight you leave and I feel worse because I know you don't listen to how I feel you listen to what I say makes me feel that way! when I tell you that I am unhappy and that the reason I am unhappy is because I am bored and tired and feel insignigicant/unimportant not very interesting etc/ when you do certain things that you do ie watching footbal (or other sports) watching the weather, falling asleep, not wanting to do things w/me, or even just talk to me. It bothers me even more that not only do you do those things/or not do things/ you don't realize how they might ake me feel. and even when I tell you (time and time again) how they make me feel you continue to do them because you want to. that is when I feel as though you don't care how I feel, like I don't mean anything to you anymore.
look- it is very obvious that we do not have much in common at all.we don't share any interests we don't like the same things and quiet frankly it sucks because we are both two stubborn people set in our ways- you will continue to wathc sports when you are with me despite the way it makes me fee you will continue to do all the things you want to do that hurt my feelings because those things are a part of you. you will continue to not want to do certain things that I want you to do because they are not you. what it all bears down to is this- when we first met we enjoyed eachothers company shared eachothers interests because they were new (although even then I hated when you watched the news, weather and sports) In the begining we where very concious of eachothers feelings because we were new to eachother and didn't know just how the other would react to certain things. there was a comfortable amount of give and take now after almost 4 1/2 years we are comfortable enough with eachother that we fail to realize that all the little things we do that hurt eachother are insignificant the don't really matter. you want to watch football because that's YOUR interest so you do, despite the fact that it is not MY desire AT ALL, I know that you don't realize how what you do affects me, and that it is not at all intentional but it still hurts me. I just wish you could spend some time to really think about how I feel and maybe then I wouldn't be feeling this way! I don't mean to blame you for everything and I'm not I am simply pointing out how what you do effects me.
I do love you,
Love LL
ps. please don't get mad just think about what I've said Im not trying to hurt you I just don't want to feel hurt anymore.
keep in mind that this letter was written 4 years before we married...at the time I was living at home and h was too...so when we were together wich was not every night...I was devistated to have h come to my house or me go to his so he could fall asleep or sit and watch football or the weather...I have since accepted the fact that no h is not at my disposal everynight and it is ok for him to go watch and do what he wants to do...I don't have to sit through it unless I want to...but h has only now started to once again give...now he will accept invitation to go to a movie or out somewhere and not just sit on the couch and fall asleep...actually lately...I've been the one to fall asleep on the couch!!
LL
I don't get it LL, what are out H's gaining by not putting in a little effort to fill our physical touch love tanks?
What do they have to lose? A quick grab from behind...a nibble on the neck, a GOOD kiss, a wink, a "hey, you're hot!", ...these are not huge things are they???
And what do they have to gain? LOTS! Much happier and less resentful W's. Sigh....
Funny you should mention that whole ILY but I'm Not ILWY thing. When my H told me that, I think he thought it was the worst thing he could tell me, wrong! Did he honestly think that I'd retained that "in love" feeling after all these years of neglect???
But like you, I chose to love, and to honour my committment.
Oh well, perhaps we can trade tips on what works for us in this "delicate" area of our M's.
Shiny
suppose I should take some comfort in knowing that h held onto that note along with many many other written long before it and long after it....that's gotta mean something right?? even if his mom was the one to find them and put them in a bag...he's still got them after all theese years...so maybe he doesn't ponder them read them try to make any sense of things...maybe that's a good thing...cause there's certainly fuel there for the fire of us not belonging together.
so anyway...planning to go out to a movie tonight...was looking at pre-views...phone booth looked kinda neat till I realized the guy was being put on the spot for having an affair...nope don't think I want to see that one....so what about basic...well that might just remind me of what's going on in the world...so how about dreamcatcher....oh gee maybe that'll bring us back to the days while we watched the x files and started to believe alien conspiracy was afoot!! maybe we'll just be ignorant and see old school...na!! I'll just let h pick and go with the flow...I'm a big girl I can handle whatever message or theme they want to throw at me...can h??
LL
LL,
Just got done reading your letter you wrote when you were 20! If you would have sent me that letter, I would have thought you were a nut case, and would have run then! If my W had sent me that letter a year ago, my response probably would have been the same. NOW
TOO LITTLE TO LATE I know much better! The most enlightening book I have read since the bomb is "What Women Want Men To Know"
You were trying to CONNECT! Most men don't get it! OG got it! ("W" says OG "could write the book on how to treat women") I didn't get it! I will in my next M.
"W" said something crazy just before she left to fu** OG. (besides "OOPS") She talked about D, mediation, visiting her lawyer, money, bag lady, taxes, etc. Then she looked me (sort of assuringly) and said "Mama has a funny way of doing things"?????????? Trying to find something positive in that, I feel like she wants our M too work, but needs to find out on her own, maybe wants the D, then start over????? Or is it just another of my fantasies? I've had plenty about her since she left, but NONE have come true, and probably never will! Maybe they will w/Ms Chevy!
LL, buy that book for H! If you feel like me, "what the he**"
T
ny
Quote:
If you would have sent me that letter, I would have thought you were a nut case, and would have run then!
gee thanks tony!!!
you don't know how many notes include me calling myself nuts...apologizing for being insecure...needy...etc...h never ran away...but he never did anything to change his behaviour...one day was to suffice a week...2 weeks vaca was to suffice the year...promises of it'll be better next season...things will be better then...well they didn't get better and when I accepted that they wouldn't and started to take comfort in what was...I was slapped by the knowledge of ow!!
so you see...I know I'm a nut bag....wouldn't be here if I wasn't...maybe after the first letter like that I wrote...I should have run away...but it seemed whenever I did...h would do some of the things I wanted...only to again get complacant.
I'm not a nut...I just want equal respect...I'll scratch your back you scratch mine...give and take...h is just starting to get this...he may not want to hug me and cuddle cause it just isn't always his thing...but if he does...he will have a happier w and therefore be a happier h...ta da...now if he had just understood that 10 years ago we wouldn't be in this mess!!!
LL
LovyDovy
You say H has no set time he wants sex. Are you sure, or maybe tell us when in the last 2 months when, maybe a pattern will emerge.
He ain't a book person, get audio for him.
Are you going on a date once a week?
poe
Quoting poepad:
LovyDovy
You say H has no set time he wants sex. Are you sure, or maybe tell us when in the last 2 months when, maybe a pattern will emerge.
He ain't a book person, get audio for him.
Are you going on a date once a week?
poe
trust me....there is no pattern...even h himself would tell you that...not time of day...events...how time is spent...what I'm wearing or not wearing...there is no pattern with him.
LL
Quoting TonyP:
STBWAW
ya ya ya whatever....stbwaw who had a wah...I aint going anywhere and I'm trying to communicate to h the possiblity of my becomming a waw and he is trying to do the best he can to keep that from happening...things are looking better...we'll see what happens.
LL
LoneLost
I forget has H seen your thread, maybe if he read some of the stories of the LB guys???ie "WaaWaa" TonyP
Poe
LL,
You and RB need to talk!
Click here:
Sex Starved I'm sure you and H are at a movie tonight!!, so I'll get back with you later.
T
ny
WAAAAAAA WAAAA WAAAAA WAA WA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WA WA WA WA WA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hey LL,
I got you on page 2!
Quote:
I'm trying to communicate to h the possiblity of my becomming a waw and he is trying to do the best he can to keep that from happening...things are looking better...we'll see what happens.
I'm wishing you the best! You've settled down the last couple days, maybe there is something to:
If it's not working, do something different! Now that you aren't whining and complaining, it might be working!!
Good luck, and hang in there!
This will be the first time "W" gets home and I'm not there!! I'm going to Miami this weekend just to do my laundry, eat Chinese food, get a cheap hotel room, watch TV, sleep, go out to breakfast, drive back slooooow, ALL ALONE! Yea, not even with Ms Chevy.
Maybe W will be curious about where I am! S will tell her "Dad not at shop all night". She probably won't even give a sh!t.
T
ny
ok so...h got home around 3ish not exactly sure cause the kids and I were in the playroom (basement) and when we came up he was outside burning some more of the trees and brush that he's taken down.
instead of going out to dinner I suggested we just eat here, h doesn't want to eat meat during lent and I had bought a piece of haddock when I went food shopping...so I cooked some raviolis and garlic bread and the haddock...my mom came over to eat too and watch the kids...h didn't come in the house til after 6pm...took his shower ate...I put dd to bed...showered and we went off to walmart to get some diapers and stuff and then to a movie..."phone booth" not recommended...was odd for me...it was about a guy who was having an ea with a woman and had to come clean with the w or he'd get shot!!
I had more fun at walmart than at the movie...the movie got out a little after 10 I said to h...I say let's go get a drink but the weather seems more like we should just go to our own bar..h agreed...we got home and I helped h get the plow back on the truck...I offered to drive while he directed to get it lined up right...he then wanted to scrape our driveway so I went in....
h came in and immediately got on the puter checking the weather...I got bored waiting...asked h if he was planning to go to bed after...he said no we can stay up I'll have a beer you can have a drink we'll sit down stairs...h was taking a while so I folded some laundry...h went down stairs...when I got down there he had turned on the tv and was watching the news (cnn/fox) I sat at the bar..h sat on the couch...I then sat on the couch...h then went up to bed...I stayed and watched a bit more (like 5min) I then went up to bed...went to sleep.
uhm????
sun I seek physcial affection from h and argue about it...mon nothing...tue nothing...wed nothing...thurs nothing...fri we go out and still nothing!!!! WTF???
ok good things...
h did walk me to the truck and opend the door for me...
h did put his arm around me on the way into the store...(but it made me want to cry...)
h did hold my hand on the way into the movie...
h did seem to move closer to me when he realized why the guy in the movie was in such deep sh!t...
h did give me his arm on the way back to the truck...
h did spoon me when we got to bed..
now I've reached the point where I don't want h to bother me!!! I'm annoyed with waiting!!
argggg!!
LL
h did spoon me when we got to bed..I would cut of my arm if I could "spoon' with W
I guess I'll go to "phone booth" tonight, ALONE and hold my own hand!
FEEL FORTUNATE!
T
ny
at this point I'm finding it hard to believe that h simply had an ea with this woman... wtf did they talk about all the time??? I don't hear h talk about much more then the weather...sports...the new crisis in the world..and our kids...what he plans to do with the yard...what time he'll be home...what appointments he has etc...
really what the hell were they talking about every friggen day??? what the hell were they talking about the 3x a week that he would go to her house????
they weren't talking??? they were screwing the hell out of eachother and then getting a big kick out of laughing at me about it all...and gee what a sap I am now...stuck with a h who has a friggen girlfriend while I cook and clean and try to make him happy but have to "take care of business" myself...what a raw deal this is!!!
I'd like to tell h to go be with skanky ho!! she is after all making herself fully available by leaving her h...why bother with me??? you obviously can afford to pay for the kids and me and still afford your own place and life!!!
I'm bored!!! I've been sitting on the friggen couch wathcing cnn/fox/msnbc and all that for over two weeks now...sure h is kind enough to let me sit on the same couch as him...sometimes is nice enough to let me lay down next to him and fall asleep...but wtf?? I am home alone all day with two little kids...I understand his desire to know what's going on in the world...I have myself become interested in watching it..but d'ya think that maybe we could put it on the radio and go downstairs and play darts or something..think maybe we could have a few drinks some laughs and gee I don't know maybe a little physical fun???
things will never change....when h first started to come around it was fun it was exciting..it was playing darts hanging out...massages or just cuddling...h would ask to come in the shower with me...h couldn't get enough of hugging and kissing me...wtf???
Ll
LL,
I can feel your pain. I miss my H very much physically. I also wonder if H was PA or EO with OW. But I'm thinking your H has never really been overly physical so why with OW? She was also going under cancer treatment so did she really feel like it? Probably not.
That doesn't help now but at least it's an option for then. Did they laugh at LL? I doubt it but you can laugh now because H is home with you!
I don't know what to suggest. Maybe a video or Pay-Per=View? Just a sugestion.
{{{{{LL}}}}}
Maybe we should go to find some male strippers next week!
Dotto
Quote:
I guess I'll go to "phone booth" tonight, ALONE and hold my own hand!
TonyP
Make sure that is all you are holding, we don't want to see another PeeWee Herman episode.
poe
Hi LL,
I don't have much practical support to offer, but I can genuinely say I understand how you feel. I have done many things to try to appeal to my H on "that" level...I won't go into lots of detail, as I gather we may end up with a water shortage...but you know, tried to appeal to his sense of fantasy. For our tenth anniversary, we went to Vegas, and I had packed a few things, including the sexiest nightie I have ever seen, with see-thru lace on top ... H barely acknowledged I was there after I changed into it, only to say he was going to the casino. OUCH!!! And I am not hideous...as with you, I have had my share of admirers. Unfortunately H was not one of them. I don't get it! (nor do I understand
)
I have not read The Sex Starved Marriage, but given Michele's wisdom in DB and DR, she is the first person I would turn to if H was still here and I was working on this. I hope and wish that your H will read it, or that your c can help to open his eyes. By most men's standards, your H is lucky to have a wife who enjoys sex (am I right, guys?)
{{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}}
rjj
Quote:
things will never change....when h first started to come around it was fun it was exciting..it was playing darts hanging out...massages or just cuddling...h would ask to come in the shower with me...h couldn't get enough of hugging and kissing me...wtf???
LL,
Can tell you didn't get any last night!! My W is right, "live with it or move on" Only you have the power to choose! This is why there are 2,000,000 divorces a year! Will you find some one better, or remain single and miserable????????
I'm at the Miami public library. Passed W on highway half way up here! Not sure if she saw me or not! Guess what, NO PAIN! (well, maybe a little or I wouldn't be here)
My heart beats more when I see Ms Chevy.
I'll stay up here tonight, do laundry, watch a movie,then catch up with you tomorrow.
Your sit is sad, you don't deserve it! Did you follow my suggestion about H setting one day a week aside for sex? maybe ask him once a month!
With me, you would be saying TOO MUCH, LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT, and you would dump me!!!!!!
Gotta go!
T
ny
Quote:
My heart beats more when I see Ms Chevy.
of course it does tony...ms chevy is the unknown unconquered territory...exciting...mysterious...ILLUSION!!!
it's not real...I could get a flutter about the next repair man that comes in the house...get all warm a fuzzy fantasising about what it would be like to be with him...but ya know what...he's probably just as lame as the next guy soooooooo!!!
guess I should quit complaining about this issue and read ssm and see if I can find some ideas...also see if h would be willing to read it.
ya know one night while watching csi they were investigating a murder that involved a man with a fettish...I had to explain to h what a fettish was all about...then asked h if he had any fantacies (I'm willing) and he was annoyed that I was interupting the show and then flatly said no he didn't have any fantasies.
crimeny!!! what's a woman to do??
LL
Quote:
...then asked h if he had any fantacies (I'm willing) and he was annoyed that I was interupting the show and then flatly said no he didn't have any fantasies.
LL
My take, you interupted the program, when we are watching tv, our mind is in netural. You will just get fustrated trying to do grown up talk while tv is on.
All men have a fantasy, you got him at a bad time. Of course he could just not feel safe, knowing you want to jump him.
poe
Quote:
My take, you interupted the program, when we are watching tv, our mind is in netural. You will just get fustrated trying to do grown up talk while tv is on.
we had just turned on the program so really what was I interupting but the last 10 min of a show we hadn't even be watching in the first place!!!
if h has a fantacy...I doubt he himself even knows what it is!!
LL
Quote:
we had just turned on the program
LL
I know, but you see, his mind had already shifted, if he wanted to do something else, he would not have turn the tv on.
I got an idea lets get a ticket for tony, and let him help.
Hey, Tony you game??
Truly LL, I am jealous, you got an idiot for a hubby, if he would read about the pain these guys are going through, maybe he is a true alien.
Poe
so what comes first the chicken or the egg...or does the chicken make the egg just smell bad????
what the hell does that mean???
are the problems h and I have/had....a result of my expecting him to "perform" thus not being happy becuase I take it as him not loving me...not finding me attractive (god he'd have to be blind) or something else...I get annoyed and then other feelings of resentment start to build...an endless cycle it would seem...
so now that it has been at least two weeks since anything...well now I am finding myself getting irritated at everything he does....grrrrr!! am I irritated at everything he does because of no action...or am I simply seeing the light because I am not being passafied???
I just don't get it!! (isn't that ironic!! ha ha ha)
it seems that as my resentment builds over the issue h pulls away more and more so that not only am I not getting the extra but the simple hugs or kisses or cuddle on the couch start to diminish as well..thus creating more resentment in me!!
I don't know if this is the root of our problems or not...but I would say that for me...it's a biggie!!!
I'm starting to feel like just giving up...there's no point in filing...h would only tell me not to again...life aint so bad...but I suppose I should just accept the fact that I'm married and therefore to expect to be treated like a "woman" regularly is out of the question...that's for single people.
oh well!!!
LL
LL..wish I had something to say that might help..but I have not gotten to the place you are...I would die just to have h come back and say he wants to try..let alone the hugs, spooning etc...yet I am trying to understand that your h is home, but things are not falling into place smoothly..where are the books to help after your'e back and how to reestablish a r after all that has happened? The things you have gone through can't be solved, forgotten, forgiven overnight...hang in there..if that's what you want..and let time help the healing and rebuilding.
Sue
unknown unconquered territory...exciting...mysterious...ILLUSION!!!it's not real W thinks it's real, she is dumping me for real!
...I had to explain to h what a fettish was WTF! I don't understand this!!!!!!!! I know every fetish in the book, including some even
I wouldn't try! And W still dumped me!!!!
crimeny!!! what's a woman to do?? Buy some damn Viagra, and spike his dinner drink!!!!!
Won't go into details about Miami last night unless you want to hear about it, but I will tell you this: HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT W ALL NIGHT AND ALL DAY TODAY!!
I just wish this divorce process would go a hell of alot faster, or I would wake up to find out it has been a bad dream!!!!!
T
ny
Poe,
The poepurple looks great!
T ny
Quote:
. By most men's standards, your H is lucky to have a wife who enjoys sex (am I right, guys?)
HELL YEA! Only one problem with that theory! After 30 years, W said TOO MUCH SEX! And dumped me for OG that doesn't treat her like a "piece of meat"
Forgive me for this, and understand my anger is not directed at you or any other ladies on this BB, but: NOTHING WE DO MAKES YOU WOMEN HAPPY!!!!!!!
T ny
Quote:
A Love Letter
Dear _________________ Date___________
I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you.
1)For Anger
·I don’t like it…
·I feel frustrated…
·I am angry that.
·I fell annoyed…
·I want…
2)For sadness
·I Feel disappointed…
·I am sad that…
·I feel hurt…
·I wanted…
·I want…
3)For fear
·I feel worried…
*I am afraid…
·I feel scared…
·I do not want…
·I need...
·I want…
4).For Regret
·I feel embarrassed
·I am sorry
·I feel ashamed
·I didn’t want…
·I want…
5).For Love
·I love…
·I want…
·I understand…
·I forgive…
·I appreciate…
·I thank you for…
·I know…
This is the feeling letter from Mars/Venus book. Fill it out, and give it to hubby. If you need a sample that is already fill out I will include it in the next post.
Let TonyP talk to him,
Poe
so here I am again lonely while h has fallen asleep on the couch in the cave once again...looks like things are back to the stagnant form they had before h left...
I will admit I went out to the truck and checked the cell phone...nothing interesting there so I checked the console and found a bottle of kaluha...interesting...h would just say one of his guys left it in the truck...ya whatever dude!! so I just took it and put it in the trash....let's just say one of the guys found it and took it!!
so I am very tempted to take h's keys and get in my car and drive down to his "shop" and check the place out...look up some phone bills...look through the desk drawers and see if I come up with anything interesting??? I know that anyone who reads this will tell me not to and that is fine but then it will be morning and I will already have gone or gone to sleep...really though there is no point in my going to "find" anything on h as his total apathy says it all...doesn't matter if there's ow in the pic or not...I clearly am not in his pic as anything other than caregiver to children and him. he's even resorted to calling me mama again...god I hate that...it's fine if it's in reference to the kids or if the kids are around but I aint his momma and never did like him calling me that...gggrrrr!!! actually I really wish I did have the balls to drive down to his shop wish I did find something spicy then I'd have a real reason to throw him out...other than his just being a tired man...who'd rather fall asleep watching cnn/foxnews than spending some time with me.
I'm annoyed, I'm sure h is annoyed too!!!
h was working outside again today burning more brush and cutting down some trees...I made him coffee and brought it out...he said thank you as I waited for a kiss...said I wanted more so he gave me more of a real kiss...I let him know that I want more of that...and said that's why I was such a bitxh...(not that I was I was just distant) h said "I'm working on it" wtf??????????????? so I made lunch for son....then dd woke so I made her lunch....then I made lunch for h, fil, and one of h's young employees, then I started dinner...cooked in the damn kitchen all day long...did all the friggen dishes...made dessert and coffee...cleaned all that up...gave dd a bath and put her to bed while h poked the fire outside....then h took his shower with son and put him to bed...h threw some logs in the fireplace and then went to the basement to watch cnn/foxnews...I called a friend and talked for a while...h is now asleep in the cave...he fell asleep on the couch last night too...don't know what time he came up to bed...I feel like locking the basement door!!! but then the cat will poop in the shower so I have to leave it open!!
I really wish the "shop" were closer I could use the adrenalin rush of going through his sh!t even if I didn't find anything..but it would take me 30+min to get there an hour to rummage through his crap and then 30+min to get back so it's really not worth it!!
tell me again why I let him come home???
oh ya cause he really had me thinking that he'd changed...guess it is true "people never change" so then I guess I should go back to voicing my opinion about things around here and hurry him up out the door!!!
LL
Hey LL,
Sorry you had such a stressful night. Did you end up going to the office?
I'm wondering if you've ever consciously focused on "physical intimacy with H" as a specific DB goal. In other words, treat it like less of an emotional issue (even though it is! It's so hard to feel as though you're not getting what you need/want in the M.) and more of an experiment a la DB'ing. Identifying what works and what doesn't. Could be fun figuring out the "formula"!
From my own M. I know that this area is just like other bad cycles that are so easy to fall into. If I don't feel like my needs are getting met, I get stressed and start pressuring H. which TOTALLY makes him not interested which just stresses me more....maybe a 180 is called for?
Sage
mornin sage,
Quote:
Did you end up going to the office?
nope!! not even worth the effort on my part cause even
seeking neg reinforcment is still me putting energy into the r and honestly I'm getting spent on it.
Quote:
I'm wondering if you've ever consciously focused on "physical intimacy with H" as a specific DB goal. In other words, treat it like less of an emotional issue (even though it is! It's so hard to feel as though you're not getting what you need/want in the M.) and more of an experiment a la DB'ing. Identifying what works and what doesn't. Could be fun figuring out the "formula"!
when I put it out of focus was when h first came home and was overly physcial (and not just sexually) then though I liked it I found it bothersome that I was expected to believe he was not physical with ow and yet couldn't keep his hands off of me. I don't know what the formula could possibly be?? maybe the wind has to blow just right accross his a$$ for him to be affectionate toward me.
Quote:
From my own M. I know that this area is just like other bad cycles that are so easy to fall into. If I don't feel like my needs are getting met, I get stressed and start pressuring H. which TOTALLY makes him not interested which just stresses me more
huge cycle that I know occurs all the time here and I've communicated that to h...h either doesn't get it or just doesn't care or cares but doesn't have any desire to do something different.
Quote:
maybe a 180 is called for?
the only 180 I can see for this instance is for me to just not care anymore..thing is when I just don't care anymore what will be left???
so h never did make it up to bed last night...he woke at some point in the wee hours and simply moved from the couch in the basement to the couch in the family room watching cnn/foxnews...now you could say well he is watching whats going on in the world like so many others are BUT this is what he did before..this is where it starts on every down turn...he starts falling asleep on the couch and doesn't come up to bed and whala!! the dis-ease settles in.
h woke me this am when he wanted to leave (son was awake already) I moved from bed to the couch...h called shortly after to see if dd had woken (the time change had her sleeping late) when dd woke I called so he could hear her say "dadee" since he seemed worried. that was that he said he had to go cause his breakfast was being served (dunkin donuts coffee and egg crossaint) said he'd call back later...at this point, whatever!!!!
it's h's world and i just live in it!!!!!
I'm getting really tired of this and would love to just give up at this point each night when I go to sleep I make a stop by the kids rooms for their last kiss of the night and on my way there I am flooded with the though...I'm doing this for you guys!!
I don't know...I'm not happy...I don't know what it is that h wants from me or expects of me but I cannot live the rest of my life this way!!
LL
Jeez LL, again we're on the same warpath. So much of what you say resonates with me:
Quote:
the only 180 I can see for this instance is for me to just not care anymore..thing is when I just don't care anymore what will be left???
I don't know if I should be posting anything to you 'cuz, like I said, I'm feeling pretty much the same way, and I don't know what good it would do...
Perhaps each of us just need to do our own thing for a while. Interestingly enough, when I pretty much ignored my W yesterday, she seemed to be drawn to me (a little). What happens when you've taken this approach? Does your H seem to gravitate towards you a bit more? Thing is, it seems as though each of us are there for our S, yet they are not there for us!
I'll shut up now...
jethro
Quote:
Interestingly enough, when I pretty much ignored my W yesterday, she seemed to be drawn to me (a little).
well let's see....it depends on his mood...when I was busy painting the dining room...h could care less that I wasn't paying him any attention and I was annoyed that he was not seeking me out...
the sat night while I was painting pic frames h didn't care that I was not with him..last night h chose to go off and watch tv by himself so for me it really wouldn't make a rats a$$ bit of difference if I pay him attention or not...
I'm tired of it all...
one concellation (sp) for today is that I get a few hours kid free...granted it's to go have a pre-employment physical for the ambulance company but hey at least I'll be out of the house and someone might actually put there hands on me...I understand fully how poor little babies that aren't held get ill. I just need to be held...touched and it doesn't even have to be physical...I am reluctant to greet people with a hug because I think I might explode!!!
LL
I'm tired of depending on people that are NOT dependable...I wont bother to get into it because it just isn't worth it but I will say that by now I should be in my car on my way to my appointment not sitting here waiting!!
maybe I should start being just as unrelyable as those around me seem to be!!!
LL
((((LL))))
Quote:
I understand fully how poor little babies that aren't held get ill. I just need to be held...touched and it doesn't even have to be physical...I am reluctant to greet people with a hug because I think I might explode!!!
Perhaps you should hook up with a friend today, LL, and get a big hug...
jethro
{{{{{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}}}}
Wish I could deliver it in person. I could use one too.
rjj
Oh, Everyone! I wish I could hug you all!
LL, girl are we ever on the same page!
Two weeks for you? Try since Feb 22 for me
.
Does your H have "performance" problems as well as low sex drive? Because that's a killer combo.
And as for him not being physcial with OW because of his sex drive/problems, well, um, that's what I thought
.
LL how long have you been with your H? Since you were 12???
Gosh! That letter from when you were 20 says a lot. I have some from the first year of our M pointing out my dissatisfactions, and it's rather sad to see the same issues today,
.
I can SOOOOO relate to the "sleeping on the couch" thing. It's what my ex-fiance did for years...I remember so vividly feeling "I'm only 17! surely there are better ways to spend a Saturday night than to listen to you snore!"
CJay says that because the couch is "his bed" (he snores, says our bed is uncomfortable on his back) he just naturally falls asleep there when the T.V. is on. Great.
Just makes me feel boring, like my company is a sleep inducer...not exactly what I have in mind.
However...just thinking about you asking your H about having fantasies. A few years ago I asked my H about the same thing. He thought about it, then said he just pictures us "doing it". He doesn't have fantasies!!! But Michelle writes in SSM that this is fairly common in those with low sex drives!
OMG, I have fleeting fantasies all day long! Sigh.....
I also relate to being touch starved (although I had a healthy dose of appreciation and good hugs at my birthday party on Sat
).
During the fall, into January, I sooo looked forward to my chiropractors appointments. Yes, they helped my headaches, but it was also so pitifully nice to have a handsome man put his hands on me in such a purposeful, strong, sure manner.
Yes, I've had a fantasy or two about him!
What are we to do LL??? I just hope Cjay does read SSM and starts to really make some moves on this front. (pun intended). One good sign...in addition to the tickets in my birthday card, he said...perhaps a visit to the Love Bug? (a local lingerie/sex toy shop)
Although this sucks, LL. It's kind of comforting to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way, seems that lots of us are in the same, sad, boat.
Shiny
Quote:
During the fall, into January, I sooo looked forward to my chiropractors appointments. Yes, they helped my headaches, but it was also so pitifully nice to have a handsome man put his hands on me in such a purposeful, strong, sure manner.
Hey SB, I live for my monthly massages, and my massage therapist is a woman (down boys - no fantasies involved here!) How's that for desperate?
rjj
LL, LL, LL,
No words of advice here, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you! Shinybear, how about Dec 12 for me!!!!! And that was because she felt sorry for me 'cause it was my birthday! That was BEFORE I knew about A w/OG!!!!LL, at least your H is home, W is w/OG! I've come to realize that OG is not the problem in our M, I am. Whenever a spouse "drifts" there is a problem in the R.
Did you ever think back before you got married, that H's low sex drive was what attracted you to him????? All the other guys just wanted to jump your bones, but H treated you like a LADY, and not a piece of meat!!!!
That's what W says attracts her to OG! After 30 years, she says "TOO MUCH SEX" Don't really know what else to say! AGAIN, ask him to put one day a month aside for sex!!!!Then don't even talk about it until that day or maybe the day before!!!It's so hard for me to understand a man with no sex drive!!!!!!! Poe almost has me convinced to jump on a plane!!!!!!LOL
Quote:
at this point each night when I go to sleep I make a stop by the kids rooms for their last kiss of the night and on my way there I am flooded with the though...I'm doing this for you guys!!
Hate to say it LL, but that's what it's all about!!Not much new with W, just a few casual e-mail exchanges. Says L is setting up mediation meeting. Told W glad she is back safe, thought about her all week!
Tony
RJJ,
I know what you mean, W or D has cut my hair for 30 years! Last week was the first time I had to go out for a haircut! I made sure I got a woman "Stylist" (I'm bald) but it felt soooooooooo good just to have a woman touch me! I gave her an $8.00 tip!(if she only knew)
Tony
Quoting sage:
From my own M. I know that this area is just like other bad cycles that are so easy to fall into. If I don't feel like my needs are getting met, I get stressed and start pressuring H. which TOTALLY makes him not interested which just stresses me more
Quoting lostlove:
huge cycle that I know occurs all the time here and I've communicated that to h...h either doesn't get it or just doesn't care or cares but doesn't have any desire to do something different.
Well..in this case I was wondering what YOU could be doing differently to break the cycle, not your H.
For example, when you get to the point where you're feeling stressed and unloved because H. isn't affectionate with you, how do you think you normally react? Do you retreat? Get mad? Get distant?
Quoting sage:
maybe a 180 is called for?
Quoting lostlove:
the only 180 I can see for this instance is for me to just not care anymore..thing is when I just don't care anymore what will be left???
Try this out...what if for a while you decided to NOT take H's lack of physical affection as a sign that he doesn't love you (or appreciate you or whatever). What if you just decided to act "as if" his disinterest really had nothing to do with you? That it was all about him. What would you do differently?
Sage
I just want to remind everyone that it is not about the "sex" (well a little) it is about the physical intimacy...a hug...a kiss...a hand placed on the shoulder...maybe I need or want more than the average person...maybe h needs or wants less than the average person...
yes h's lack of interest in "sex" was something that I did find a good quality in him way back when...when he wanted it to be special...when it was waited for til it was right...but there is no need to wait anymore...
anyway..had a stressfull day...mil was late to watch the kids...that stressed me...hate having to depend on others to get things done for myself...then off to a three hour exsensive physical for the ambulance co...argued with h a bit over the "physical" issue on the phone...then appologized...then snuck in to meet h while he waited for the chinese food he was picking up for dinner...was a nice little break no kids...not a night out..just a surprise visit.
came home ate...cleaned up...then h just came over and hugged me saying LL, LL, LL, I'm sorry you feel so bad..
I had to let h know that I am not misserable there are just some things that I'm not happy with...that when he doesn't hug me or kiss me etc...I start to feel ugly, fat, dirty, undesireable etc.
so h hugged me a big nice hug...let me know that he's here because he loves me and he's sorry I feel bad.
this is really hard...I try not to think about ow and all that has happend but the fact that these things did happen and I am not clear on h's feelings about it all...makes our original or rather my original issues harder to deal with.
I am trying...h is trying...it's friggen snowing...AGAIN!!!!
thank you all
LL
then h just came over and hugged me saying LL, LL, LL, I'm sorry you feel so bad..so h hugged me a big nice hug...let me know that he's here because he loves me and he's sorry I feel bad.I am trying...h is trying...it's friggen snowing...AGAIN!!!!
GREAT! GREAT! GREAT! Enjoy it! Do't expect it again for a few days or weeks. Thrive on it! Don't mention it! Do whatever is working!!!!! I'm happy for you!
I'm happy for me too, it's 78 degrees, clear, and cool tropical breeze tonight!!!HA HA HA
T
ny
Quoting lostlove:
I am trying...h is trying...it's friggen snowing...AGAIN!!!!
Good day LL,
Well I'm all caught up again...and it looks like you survived another cycle. Your H is a slow learner, but is learning. Each cycle seems to end a little better. Your H is slowly understanding. He is listening to you. Now watch to see what changes (baby steps) he makes to break his patterns.
... and what
IS the deal with all this snow? There has to be some symbolism going on here...Mother's Nature's way with toying with us?!
'til later,
KAW
Quote:
Your H is slowly understanding. He is listening to you.
howdy KAW,
h is listening but unfortunatley when I do speak up about what's bothering me...what needs of mine aren't being met..h is left thinking that I am just misserable!!
I then have to explain to him that no..I am not misserable..there are just some things that I am not happy with.
I don't know if h will ever acutally "get it" or if he will continue to expect me to just understand him and his possition.
I'm having another one of those days where I resent h for having his a, and wondering what that a was all about!! were they just friends who laughed and hung out or where they friends who....well....you know where I'm going with that one...
yes h did give me a hug...did tell me that he's here because he loves me...did sit with me on the couch (though we again watched cnn/fox news) we did fall asleep on the couch...around midnight h we woke and h moved to the other couch til 3am when I again woke and went upstairs..because of the snow I don't know it h actually came up to bed or just came up to give me a hug and then leave to plow.
I don't know...I guess I'm just tired of thinking that to h ow is prettier, thinner, smarter (or dumber actually) funnier, sexier, ier, ier, ier.....
get the point!!
I just want h to tell me that I AM ALL THAT and more to him!!
I want some compliments damn it!! I want a pat on the back (ok the but too!!)
I just want to know that h appreciates me...but if I say that to h, he will tell me....don't I thank you for everything...I always thank you for everything you do...but you see that is different that is thanking me for doing something...not thanking me for being me!!!! not thanking me for being strong enough (most of the time) to put asside bad thoughts and let him come home accepting what has been done and trying to move on!!
I don't know...
feeling fat and ugly when I know damn well that I am neither!!! do I feel that way because of h??? or because of me?? do I expect myself to be perfect and know that I am not??? am I comparing myself to some woman that I don't even know??? have never seen?? from what I know she's short...blonde (ya right the town she lives in has the market on bleach cornered) not terribly attractive it's just her "sweetness".
suppose I shouldn't compare myself to ow...h chose to come home to me so she mustn't be all that...just wish that h would say something bad about her tell me I'm better than her..but it is not like h to speak ill of anyone so he is left only to say...I came home to you didn't I?? that should say something..doesn't that say something???
well I wish he would say LL you are beautiful, sexy, fun, loving, caring, dedicated, smart, independant, compationate, strong, understanding, special, and I'm a lucky man to be able to call you my wife...btw will you marry me and put your rings back on????
ah...but then LL woke up.
LL
Yo LL.
Quote:
I just want to know that h appreciates me...but if I say that to h, he will tell me....don't I thank you for everything...I always thank you for everything you do...but you see that is different that is thanking me for doing something...not thanking me for being me!!!!
So, this is the way of my W and myself. Whenever I mention something that I'd like done (or done better), she responds in the same way that your H does: "It upsets me when you say these things because it makes me feel as though you don't recognize what I've been doing lately. I've done this and that..." Basically, I get a short list of things that are being met for me.
I think for us, perhaps, it's simply a level of expectation. We want our Ses to be present so badly that we push our expectations upon them when they are not yet ready to really hear what we want from a decent R. We want them to "want" to be with us and show us their commitment rather than just be "content" to be with us. They are willing to do A, B, and C because they are content, but don't go extra step and do D, E, and F. When we see D, E, and F, we'll know that they are "in love" with us again. Right?
Quote:
well I wish he would say LL you are beautiful, sexy, fun, loving, caring, dedicated, smart, independant, compationate, strong, understanding, special, and I'm a lucky man to be able to call you my wife...btw will you marry me and put your rings back on????
My goodness, you echo my sentiments. Funny thing about the ring thing. I took my ring off about a month ago, my W put it on our dresser, and my daughter was playing with some stuff on the dresser one day and it was lost. I assume it fell in one of the drawers, but haven't looked for it. My W has asked me on at least four occassions if I'm ever going to look for my ring. I think it bugs her.
My guess is that you not wearing your rings bugs your H, but he won't say anything about it because he wants you to feel as though you want to be with him and will put them on when you're ready to do so? On that same vein, I'm waiting for my W to find my ring for me. That will show me something...
Anyway, take care, LL.
jethro
How frustrating it has to be to want to hear those words, but know that your H is a man of few words...
LL, when reading your thread, I'm reminded of a stunning sculptress with a hammer in one hand and a chisel in the other facing a block of granite
(your H). Its hard & tedious work to turn that block into a piece of art. No matter how you whack at it, only little chips come off, but once the scupture is created, it will last an eternity.
I wish I had more to say ...
... but ya know, I'm kinda intrigued with Tony P's idea of slipping some Viagra into his dinner drink and see what happens...
Actually, with amount of time he spends on the couch in front of the TV, it seems your H still is trying to coast through life on autopilot and until he has a revelation that there is more to life. all you can possibly do is keep showing him what he is missing, but only he can open his eyes to it ... and slowly like a groggy awakening I do believe the giant is stirring, he just hasn't come to full consciousness yet.
'til later,
KAW
Quote:
That's what W says attracts her to OG! After 30 years, she says "TOO MUCH SEX"...It's so hard for me to understand a man with no sex drive!!!!!!! Poe almost has me convinced to jump on a plane!!!!!!LOL
Tony
Just to torture you, my new LF, says around 40+ her sex drive went way up. She is 47 now, and says she wants sex every day and anytime of day.
Poe
Tony,
To counter what Poe's LF is like - my W's drive went significantly downhill sometime around 1990. All told I was lucky if we did it even once a month!
More often it was once every three!
YOU LUCKY SOB!!!!!!!!!
T ny
enough already...aren't we "beating" this topic to death....
some of us are getting it and some of us aren't....some of us would like more of it...some of us would be content with anything...
h is home early....cutting down more trees in the yard...more bon fire...son is outside too...ahhh!! I'm doing mega laundry...making chili....keeping dd from getting into trouble....wondering what the hell h is thinking??? wondering if I will get any soon???
wondering how it would feel to beat the crap out of ow??
wondering why I waist so much of my time wondering....
LL
LL why couldn't you live in my town? I'd love to chat over coffee!
I'm not even getting morning cuddles anymore.
And you're so right: thanking us for what we DO (cook, etc) is NOT the same as words of affirmation for who we ARE. Why do I need these so badly? I just know that I do.
I love it when friends say I look great, that I'm sexy, that I'm smart, funny etc. That I'm amazing for standing by H this way.
I feel fat and old and crappy today, wonder how much of that is due to not being loved as I need to be loved? Heck I'm 10 lbs thinner than when we got married!
And you know what kills me? H gave OW all KINDS of words of affirmation. After all 80% of their A was an EA so words were important.
He called her peanut butter legs and honey thighs!!!
. He called her "BABE", guess how he signed my birthday poster? Happy birthday Babe.
He had LOTS of sexy, fun, appreciative words for her. My H is verbal, just not with me, I guess. And the less he gives to me right now, the less I feel like giving him, or acting "as if". CRAP!!!!
Oh, wait, this is YOUR thread, right? Sorry LL!
Shiny
aren't we "beating" this topic to death.... I sure as hell am!
wondering if I will get any soon??? Don't count on it! DID YOU TAKE MY SUGGESTION: ASK H ONE DAY A
MONTH? wondering how it would feel to beat the crap out of ow?? It would feel great, but it wouldn't do any good, then you would feel guilty after! (Sort of like me and Ms. Chevy, 'member?)
wondering why I waist so much of my time wondering.... You and everyone else here on this board!!!!!!!!
T
ny
PS: Just passed STBX"W" on road! Smiled and waved like a crazy man, no response from the "B"
minus 2 baby steps
Quote:
And you know what kills me? H gave OW all KINDS of words of affirmation. After all 80% of their A was an EA so words were important.
He called her peanut butter legs and honey thighs!!! . He called her "BABE", guess how he signed my birthday poster? Happy birthday Babe.
He had LOTS of sexy, fun, appreciative words for her. My H is verbal, just not with me, I guess. And the less he gives to me right now, the less I feel like giving him, or acting "as if". CRAP!!!!
I don't know what words h actually had for ow...she was married...he was married...(as if that matters) they both expect me to believe they were just friends...nothing more..they just spent time together...to quote her words to my sil "we just sit and shoot the sh!t" I don't know but I do know that somehow (supposedly with not so much as a kiss or deep embrace) my h was able to communicate to her his feelings for her in such a clear way that she was ready (and still is) to leave her h to persue a r with him. don't know what to believe...but I do know that my h was never great with expressing himself verbally..infact I remember the first time he ever said ily..we had been dating for about 6 months...we were in his parents basement...I was sitting on the couch and he was pacing...and finally said..."I think I love you" (guess that said it all there he only thought huh!!) I responded with "well I know I love you" well it's funny cause since all this mess has occured I don't say it and h doesn't say it unless I am saying..."you don't even love me" but one evening..I did say to h...."I think I love you" h smiled and said..."well I know I love you"
I sometimes read what others have gone through regarding the op and wonder if I am being lied to or if h's relationship with this ow was just that a relationship..a friendship...an innapropriate friendship that he kept from me becuase of my jelousy...she was a woman who "went to bat for him" regarding the other customers on the street..and we all know how some guys just love when you do something nice for them (didn't matter though that I'd been doing a hell of alot more for him than making a phone call but I digress) she was there...she was friendly...she was outgoing...she thought h to be a great guy (and he is) she saw h as many would....as a sweet...caring...kind...respectful gentleman...I don't know what they talked about everyday...I don't know if they were cutesie with eachother...or if they were just friends...ow did call me a day or two after h was seen with her...called me to tell me they were just friends...tell me how much my h loves me...tell me what a great mom he says I am...how he always tells her how great I am...sure sitting shooting the sh!t with her..telling her how great I am and then ignoring me when you get home!
I dunno...wish I knew more about their r...but sometimes glad I don't know..then I can at least pretend that they were just friends and I pushed him to her.
annoying!!!
h and ow both say nothing happend but I know that they are both capable of lying to me..
I find it hard to believe that h expressed his feelings to her...they talked about how they would be able to trust eachother...she asked her h for a d and expressed her feelings for my h and they didn't so much as kiss...embrace affectionatley???
wtf???
I dunno??? I just don't know....maybe h is telling the truth about it just not being that way...about it just not happening...h did admit to wanting to be physical with her he did admit to being in love with her...he did leave...he did admit to having plans of persuing a r with her...so why not admit to being physical with her??? h could even to save face say that they weren't physcial til he left the house or till she asked her h for a d...but to say nothing ever happend??? huh???
LL
Tough one LL,
Does it really matter to you to know if it was physical? (I know it did for me).
I think I suggested this before, but perhaps later on, when things are more settled, you can broach the topic again.
Something like.."You have to know that I KNOW it was more than just a friendship with OW...I understand why you wouldn't want to admit it. You probably thought that that would be the end for us. A lot of men feel that way. (LL men tend to take the physical part as being much more of a betrayal than the R part). Clearly it wasn't."
Or...in a quiet "Good" moment: "H, is there anything else you'd like to tell me about the A? There's nothing that could change how things are going, so if there is, please know you can tell me"
I don't know LL, now I'm just rambling. My BIL had a romance with a co-worker that never got physical so it IS possible.
Shiny
Quote:
I don't know LL, now I'm just rambling. My BIL had a romance with a co-worker that never got physical so it IS possible.
that's a comfort...
I have let h know in many different ways that it's ok to tell me...that if he did "something" it would be best to tell me now...lest the guilt be so much that he has to leave me or eventually tell me...so why not now??
h says there is no more to say...
I dunno???
from what ow had said (before it got to the point where they were going to attempt to persue a r with eachother) "we know we are capable of being friends, that doesn't mean we are capable of having a r" ow also said " if your going to be physical you get a d" ow has said "I know you'll never believe us" so I dunno???
I can't immagine that they didn't at least embrace passionatley upond disclosing their feelings for eachother...but then again...maybe they didn't...will I ever know for sure??? probably not....in the end will it matter??? only if something really did happen.
LL
Quote:
wondering if I will get any soon???
Don't count on it! DID YOU TAKE MY SUGGESTION: ASK H ONE DAY A MONTH?
TonyP
LL is obsessing and I don't think she is listening any more, you notice she doesn't seem to answer our posts.
Poe
Poe, you better go take care of your horny LF before somebody else does, you lucky horn dog!
What the hell are you still doing on this BB
T ny?????
Bob
How old is you WAW, and what was her excuse.
Poe
Quote:
Poe, you better go take care of your horny LF before somebody else does, you lucky horn dog! Patenice, tony, I have only been talking with her 3 days, and she is 7 hours away, so I am gong slow
What the hell are you still doing on this BB, like you I stil care for my XW/WAW
Poe
Quote:
like you I still care for my XW/WAW
Me, hell, I'd be on a 7 hour drive right now!!!
T ny
Quote:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
like you I still care for my XW/WAW
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me, hell, I'd be on a 7 hour drive right now!!!
TonyP
If I remember, Ms Chevy lives on the island I think.
Poe
PS: I notice this item on Ebay and thought of you, "FART MACHINES Remote NEW MACHINE @$7.99" LOL
Poe,
I didn't think Ms Chevy got you that excited! Hmmmmm Next island, 7 minutes away! Maybe I really do care about WAW???? I didn't realize yours was an X! How long are you going to hold on? (to whatever)
Why the hell would a fart machine make you think of me you pervert????
T ny
gee....I stop in and see that I have three new posts...thinking it may be something interesting or useful..maybe addressing the thoughts in my last post..instead I find you two talking about getting busy with your lady friends and fart machines!!!
UGH!!!!
LL
Quote:
Maybe I really do care about WAW????
a DUH!!!! of course you do tony...you'd be lying if you said you didn't...you say it in every post...even when you affectionately refer to her as that b!tch!!!
LL
Quote:
Why the hell would a fart machine make you think of me you pervert????
TonyP
Lets see, gezzer, old fart, naw just yanking your chain.
Poe
Poe,
OK, I'll give ya this one! I'm definatly an old fart with a broken heart!
T ny
Thanks LL
Glad you didn't give up on me yet!
Check this out:
Tony @ love aol.com HA HA
T
ny
Come on LL,
Let's get busy! Look at my last post on your thread and give some pointers. W is coming over this morning, and I started out with a PMA. Then opened up some bill, and found some more charges for times with OG, including another vacation spot of ours near my Mom's house! I'm sad again, but I'll try like heck to be positive and nice. I have to remember I'm competing with OG, and
I have to be the one she wants to be with!!!
GET IT LL??????
T
ny
The old fart with with a broken heart
uhm!!! just talked to h...he called to say hello...isn't sure what time he'll be home has an appointment he's trying to cancel...had been sitting with son watching a movie while dd napped reading some of ssm...oh so much of me in there...while talking to h I asked him if he recalled the book I threw on the floor the other week...all he knew was that it said something about sex and marriage and he put it on the counter...I mentioned to him about how in the past when he would leave in the morning to go to football games if we had been physical the night before I walked him to the door that morning with a smile and told him to have fun..but if we had not for some time been physical I was grumpy and annoyed that he was taking a sunday to go watch a game rather than be with his family. h recalled...I let him know that the book explains more than just that...that perhaps it would be better for him to hear it (read it) in anothers words than mine...that there are so many quotes in the book that could have come from each of us...h said leave it out and I'll look at it....now I aint gonna hold my breath but the fact that h at least said he'd look at it is HUGE!!!
I appologized for bringing it up (I wasn't interupting anything but his discussion of how not to burn microwave popcorn) and let him know that I love him...he said Ily too LL...ahhh even if it is just in response to my words still made me want to cry....
so I must say I do feel a little better...a work in progress we are...I feel like this has been a major root of problems for us...I think we are on the right road!!
LL
Quote:
that perhaps it would be better for him to hear it (read it) in anothers words than mine.
H can hear it in my words
READ THE DAMN BOOK FOOL!! YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, CARING WIFE THAT IS THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN! TAKE CARE OF HER, CHERISH HER, BOND WITH HER, BE PHYSICAL WITH HER, SHE LOVES YOU! SHOW SOMETHING IN RETURN!!!!! How's that, LL? If you want me to add anything, just tell me and give me his e-mail address (not here, you know how)
I think we are on the right road!! We all pray that you are((((((((((((((LL)))))))))))))))
T
ny--
the old fart with a broken heart!
BAM ... BAM ... BAM
chip ... chip ... chip
Ssshhhh! Sculptress hard at work...
'til later,
KAW
That's great LL.
I think I saw my H peaking at SSM yesterday. We had our C session today...details on my thread.
Some pretty surprising stuff...including him saying he doesn't think he has a lower sex drive than me!
I too, saw a lot of US in SSM, sure hope he continues to read it.
Glad you chewed out the boys for hijacking your thread, I was going to do it myself, but you beat me to the punch.
Shiny
Quoting KAW:
BAM ... BAM ... BAM
chip ... chip ... chip
Ssshhhh! Sculptress hard at work...
'til later,
KAW
LL wearing a big ole sh!t eating grin!!! I hope he reads it....I'm trying to deal with things as pressure free as possible....I just want us both to be happy not the continuos cycle we keep going through (regarding all aspects of our r not just this one) I know there will be good days and bad days...selfish days and selfless days...I just want us to find a balance...the fact that he'd even say that he'd look at the book is so huge you don't even know!!!
LL
LL,
You are so wise. I admire you and your determination so much.
I am glad you are my friend.
{{{{{LL}}}}}
Dotto
I still wanna know WHY h had this a and what type of a it was....I want to know all about it...I want to know the truth!!! but then again do I??? if I had an a I would know why...I wouldn't just chalk it up to oh we just met and clicked and it was there...I would know that I felt neglected at home...what needs of mine weren't being met...I would be able to say exactly what I was missing in the r that "enabled" me to accept it from an outsider....h cannot or has not yet done that...I have been given the "it" was just there...but what the hell was the "it" I adore h...I admire h...I desire h...I apprecite h...I do things for h...I compliment h...I take care of h...what was h missing??? "that feeling" what is that feeling???
oh I so want to know what power this skank had over my h that would make him do this??? h is an honest man...a respectable loyal dedicated man so why did he do this?? and why did it go to the extreme of his leaving and yet (supposedly) not go to the extreme of him being physical with her???
I dunno??? I still don't know what I was doing wrong...other than expressing my dissatisfaction with our r... I dunno???
LL
LL - I hope that your H does read SSM and decides to ravish you!
Or is that H reads SSM and you decide to ravish him?
Aw heck - who cares?
BTW - I like KAW's sculptress analogy....
LL,
Like you I want to know everything about A. XOW H and I tried to piece it together by comparing notes. Never really figured it out. It still bugs me a year later. I have been tempted to call XOW H and ask him. Hell I saw him two weeks ago and and followed him into a store. Couldn't find him to ask ??? Probably better off.
We are verbal. H's are not. Also many of the books we have read about A say they sometimes never confess as to what, why, where, how etc... I've also heard that very often they are so distressed and ashamed of A that they can not discuss it with us. Could that be the sitch with H? Maybe he's so ashamed (as he should be) for hurting you that it pains him to talk. You know the old Mars and Venus stuff. Just some thoughts.
You always come back to this. Maybe when you see C alone before you and H go together there may be a way to bring this into session down the road.
Have a good night LL. You deserve everything your heart desires.
Dotto
Quote:
Glad you chewed out the boys for hijacking your thread, I was going to do it myself, but you beat me to the punch.
Shiny,
Thanks for the compliment! Some how I think it was INTENTIONAL!
T
ny,
The Old Fart With A Broken Heart!
Dotto,
When I was in college, I dated a girl that used to date a friend of mine ( I wasn't the cause of the break up, it was much later). We weren't a hot couple, but did date quite a few times. After she broke up with me, my friend and I were comparing notes about her; clothes, underwear, sexual preferences, etc. We thought we were talking about two DIFFERENT girls?
Very Strange!
T
ny
Hey..LL..just checking in to say hi..I still think you and h are on the repairing roller coaster...it takes a long time to rebuild a new m...
Sue
wishing it were easy to get over an a...
wishing I could truly believe h when he claims they never even kissed...
wishing I could believe h when he tells me they weren't laughing at me...
wishing I felt better about myself...
wishing I believed h loved me...
wishing I didn't have these feelings...
wishing that I could put these feelings away...
wishing I didn't have doubts...
wishing I had a magic wand...
wishing it were summer....
wishing I were 21 again...
wishing I didn't have to force a smile...
wishing I knew what was going on in h's head....
wishing h didn't put up a wall when I get upset...
wishing I could hide my feelings from h better...
wishing the past didn't happen..
wishing h would be more pro-active in the healing process...
wishing I didn't speak up last night...
wishing I could put ow and the a and h's leaving, behind me..
wishing I weren't afraid that he'll leave again someday...
wishing I had a magic ball...
wishing I were ier...
wishing I knew what h wanted...
wishing I knew what h wasn't getting here that made him leave...
wishing h would let me be his friend...
wishing I really knew what the hell I was doing here rather then pretending I know...
wishing h and I could talk about issues without h getting angry
wishing I knew how to just relax..
wishing it were may (then I'd be in disney with the kids)
wishing I didn't love h so much...
wishing I knew what I wanted from h...
I am so confused I don't know what to do...things are going well...h doesn't like to talk about the a or his leaving...he's put it in the past and has decided it wont happen again...me, I wanna know why...I wanna know what I did or didn't do so that I don't do it again...I want to know if h is happy...I want to be happy...h just keeps telling me to be myself...I keep saying what if you don't like me...I was being myself and you left sooooo? how can I feel comfortable being myself??
last nights arguement could have been avoided....could have ended...could have been made up for...but nope...instead we both woke this am....feeling...ugh!!!
another night of watching news...on the couch....I was feeling like a fool (as I do some nights but don't let it show) but this night h asked...I spoke...things went on from there...my questions...h's anger....it's a mess...eventually after my bringing up that issue again...h said "I thought you looked nice and I thought I was warming up to you but I got shot down" uhm??? h never told me I looked nice until I brought up the issue....was not apparent to me that h was warming up to me...was acting the same as he had the three prior nights when he fell asleep on me on the couch...how was I to know...I said to h...well then it's a misscommunication...I did not know that...why don't we go up to bed now...h says...I'm going to sleep...well then LL went on a tirade...
I'm tired of dealing with this crap and feeling like I have to deal with it myself!!!
if I let h know how I feel...sometimes he can handle it and is comforting...reassuring etc...and other times he just gets mad...making me mad...and a way we go!!!
LL
LL,
You have choices here.
How about if he said I'm going to sleep and you said fine
after we ****!
I know that sounds awful....but maybe H would have laughed out loud and you could have gone on from there?
Do not play the wishing game with yourself.
Talk about a cheeseless tunnel.
So take the kids to the library and check out a video about
Walt Disney World. Are you driving or flying?
If your driving plan the route with h.
He is with you!!!!
I understand perfectly your feelings about the XOW!
She is an XXXXX!
Even though my H has reassured me about XOW, I still have fear. She has turned out to be such a skank and my H wants to
let it go.
I need to focus on being happy day by day.
I really think I need to let the R alone also and just concentrate on being happier myself.
What makes LL happy?
She is beautiful, we know that but what makes you laugh?
Kip
morning kip,
Quote:
You have choices here.
How about if he said I'm going to sleep and you said fine
after we ****!
I know that sounds awful....but maybe H would have laughed out loud and you could have gone on from there?
well let's see...a bit perturbed that he would respond with...I'm going to sleep after my suggesting we go up to "bed" my tirade..involved me tearing off all my clothes and walking over to him...a puzzled h said...what the hell are you doing?? being a woman says I...h nada...and so further insult to me!!
Quote:
So take the kids to the library and check out a video about
Walt Disney World. Are you driving or flying?
If your driving plan the route with h.
He is with you!!!!
have the video...was sent free from disney.com and h isn't comming with us I am going with one of his old highschool friends his wife and her aunt and two kids...
Quote:
She is beautiful, we know that but what makes you laugh?
I don't remember anymore..well that's not true...I was in stiches during my last book club meeting when somehow the conversation became about farting. no I am not crass I just had a pull my finger dad and I happen to find farts funny...there is obviously more that makes me laugh but lately it just isn't anything about h other than to laugh at myself.
LL
I'm tired of apologizing for my emotions...I will always apologize for my actions when they get out of hand (really what kind of a lunatic woman takes off all her clothes and walks toward her husband thinking he might give in?? lunatic!!)
I honestly don't know if I can get past all this...I don't know...perhaps it would be easier if h were more up to meeting my needs speaking my LL more often rather than expecting me to understand his and understand that he is busy and under stress with the start of the season and that's why he can't love me like I want to be loved...
doesn't really make sense to me?? but that's me..
I don't konw if I can deal with the rejection..the thought that perhaps h did find someone better for him...I was insecure enough with him before and now...well now I just don't feel like I'm good enough for him and when I say things like that (I know I shouldn't) I get a neg response.
gotta go...son calling me.
LL
tearing off your clothes a second time and expecting a different result would qualify as insane!! It was one of two suggestions that my SIL had to "help" me with my sitch, the other was to buy a trip without talking to her first. Did I say you're not a lunatic? that's what I was trying to say
Sister? Sister? are you out there???
ARGGGGHHH!
Shiny
afternoon shiny!
yup I'm around...looks like my terrible behaviour last night just may put me back in to waiting mode...waiting til h is once again ready...waiting til I've kept my mouth shut long enough about any displeasure I have about our r past or present...waiting till I've kept my feelings to myself long enough...arghhh!!!!!
oh well!!
LL
so LL's h loves her even though she's a naked ranting lunatic!!! ha ha ha!! at least I can laugh at myself..
well the reason for this post is a possitive one...
h just called...letting me know he was not able to reschedule his 5:30 appointment and therefore won't be home til 6:30 son asked to talk to him...did so..told him he was busy putting rocks in his wheelbarrow...crazy kid..anyway..h said to son..ILY son says to daddy..ILY too and then promtly tossed the phone to me..h then laghed at son running off the phone with his ily...then h says to me..ily too LL...aw...
so now LL is happy...of course she will still be dissapointed tonight if there is no lovin' goin' on but after last nights performance I wont count on it!!
LL
LL,
Thanks for always posting such great replies on my thread!
I have to tell you, I can totally relate to your "wishing" thread! Isn't it amazing the thoughts and feelings we have when we finally have what we wanted in the beginning? What's the deal??
I, too, appologize for my emotions. I think it's because we don't want our H's to think that we are going back to the way they thought we were when they left? We are allowed to have emotions, all of them, happy, sad, angry, etc. But I think we are scared to show them, and get upset when we do.
Oh man, what a ride this is!
Jill
Quote:
But I think we are scared to show them, and get upset when we do.
scared to show the fear, the doubt, the pain....scared to show them because at different times am met with different reactions. sometimes comfort and reasurrance is given...sometimes the "get over it" attitude seeps through and further builds my scared feelings...ugh!!!
anyway...have to keep reminding myself what I said to h during seperation...his r with ow doesn't matter..it's not important...what is important is what we have and can have...can't dwell on what was...have to look toward what can be..my harping on these ill feelings is keeping us from having the what could be!!
thing is during seperation I didn't know the whole truth about the friendship...at that point I was led to believe they were just good aquantances..that he spoke to her occassionally and they went out to lunch a few times....I didn't learn how much time they actually spent together until h came home...has made a bit of a difference in how I view that r...but then again I have to remind myself of the fact that h volunteered the extra info..he could have said nothing...it just added to the deciet but at least he did come clean with it...but I must admit it keeps me wondering what other mistruths are there yet to be told???
ah hell LL get over it...h is home...ow is gone...hopefully ow will d her h..sell her house and move away far far away...like maybe the planet looseroid!! but I digress...h is home..h is trying...give him a break and let him make it up to you in his time in his way..patience will get you what it is you want..stomping your feet and demanding to be satiated right now isn't going to make it happen any sooner infact you will have to wait longer...so chill lady chill!!!
LL
Quote:
I was in stiches during my last book club meeting when somehow the conversation became about farting. no I am not crass I just had a pull my finger dad and I happen to find farts funny.
A lot of farting and f****** going on here!!!!!!
T
ny
PS; LL, I'm still reading, I hope this isn't the one you wanted to take a cold shower over!
LL,
To be honest I was going to post on your thread about MY stupid feelings over XOW. My fears.
Then I read your wishing post.....
It's so hard.
My H called this morning and I would have gladly talked to him for 30 minutes or soooo..
But you know what he called, he was sweet.
I think they want to forget what happened.
My H told me some things he said there was more to say but that I couldn't handle it.
He's right!!
It doesn't make anything easier.
But LL they are with US and they are being good daddy's they
are trying to meet our needs.
I'd love to be in a book club.
Kip
Quote:
I'd love to be in a book club.
hey kip,
I started the book club myself over the summer (during the seperation) you can call your local library and see if there is already one...I posted interest on my towns yahoo group site and that is where I started with members..your town may have a yahoo group site...but if not I'm sure your local library would be able to direct you to a group or help you to start one yourself...it is a lot of fun.
LL
LL, He said "I Love You"? Haven't you been waiting to hear that???
Enjoy the moment...try (grrrrrr!) not to attach any expectations to it.
That's what I'm trying to do about my upcoming getaway WITH my H...
Shiny
LL,
So what books have you read in the group.
Not too many about flautlence out there
Kip
Quote:
LL,
So what books have you read in the group.
Not too many about flautlence out there
the book we had read (the lovely bones by alice sebold) had nothing to do with farts at all, our conversations just go from here to there to there till sometimes we say how did we end up talking about this??? the fart conversation somehow came up during a conversation about learning disorders...someone had a kid in school with them at one time who had a gastro intestinal problem that they took advantage of forcing farts at a whim causing a commotion in class...the topic certainly caused a commotion in our discussion group...imagine a group of seemingly intelligent adults in tears with uncontrollable laughter over the talk of farts...even the prude who argues with her h over his farting and claims not to fart herself let out a chuckle...I of course was in tears laughing. the book club is fun but I gotta tell ya...we seem to spend about 15 min actually talking about the book and the rest of the time we just get led from one topic to another me the supposed leader always saying "did we talk enough about the book" " does anyone have anymore to say about the book" I just don't want anyone to leave thinking...well that was fun..but I thought this was a book discussion group...they all seem to have fun so maybe I should just relax..if they want to talk more about the book they are grown ups and will speak up themselves!!
LL
Quote:
LL, He said "I Love You"? Haven't you been waiting to hear that???
yup!! suppose maybe I'd be happier about it if it were not an after thought...he tells son every day that he loves him..maybe he just felt bad because after all he was talking to me about the interaction with son over the ily statement. but then I know he doesn't want to say it all the time because when he did (pre crap) it started to get stale...every phone conversation automatically ended with ily...though I'd like to hear it more...it is better this way.
Quote:
Enjoy the moment...try (grrrrrr!) not to attach any expectations to it.
didn't and was better off not to have expected anything...
!
Quote:
That's what I'm trying to do about my upcoming getaway WITH my H...
good call, glad to hear you are going away..you need it...but again no expectations...h and I went away on a ski trip..one evening I scheduled massages for each of us...then filled the jacuzzi tub invited h in...then took a shower together then was dismayed at the fact that h got out and got dressed for dinner..went to dinner...had a few drinks..I opted to skip playing pool to get to the cuddling sooner..but again was dismayed when upon returning to the room..h put the tv on and started to snore!!! ugh!!! kinda blew the whole day away...but I suppose I should have just been happy that he was with me. took time off work..arrainged for someone else to take care of snow plowing...did get in the tub...did shave my legs...so I didn't get any that night...oh well!!
anyway!! hope you have a great time...I'm once again having easter at my house..I'm a little nervous about the day...don't know how I'll feel about it..as it was last easter when after cleaning everything up h said to me "I don't think I can do this anymore" and three days later moved out!! I doubt that's gonna happen this year but the memory is still fresh!
LL
Quote:
I'd be happier about it if it were not an after thought...he tells son every day that he loves him..maybe he just felt bad because after all he was talking to me about the interaction with son over the ily statement. but then I know he doesn't want to say it all the time because when he did (pre crap) it started to get stale..
GENDER GAP! Don't expect your man to talk to you like a woman! "DB"
Unless you're married to POE! T
ny
PS: Went shopping this morning, want to hear about it?
Oh lucky you...so you're the "easter girl" in your family too, huh?
It can't help but cull up negative memories if your H dropped the bomb right after the event last year! Ugh!
Well let me put it this way LL, I'm not expecting too much in "that" regard from our getaway....still, no offense, but I'd really rather not be left to my own devices thinking..."Just like LL, I shaved my damned legs for nothing!"
Shiny
Hey LL,
Your book group sounds like fun.
My h is driving in for the weekend.
I'm rather nervous as this will be his first weekend in since we discovered XOW's H has filed for divorce and left her.
Oh well we have really connected alot and I think we will be okay.
I don't want to be clingy or wimpy.
Rather be strong and secure.
Anyway have fun being the Easter Bunny.
Don't think about what happened last year.
We have our spouses LL, they are with us!
Time & Laughter will heal the wounds.
Kip
Hiya LL...just checking up on things here...seems I cant even find MY old threads ????
What gives. Anyways, I am not actually in the mood to post anything of importance, just wanted to say HI! since I haven't been around in months!! Things here are well. I am now pretty positive that things are over between my wife and I BUT, I am doing great...had a special friend for a while...didn't work out (I do after all have my daughter...and not everyone is ready and willing to accept the "insatnt family" that comes with that) no harm done, we were honest open and it was good while it lasted! I still see my wife (soon to be EX) quite often...with our daughter..and I have to credit Michele...we ARE actually VERy good friends now...and in the situation, it is was is best for our daughter!
I am living life, loving it, I am happy, I make myself happy
and that is all due to Michele's books and this BB.
Glad to see all is going well here, Keep up the good work!
Steph
as much as all the was who do come here and post get tired of hearing the lbs whine and complain...I am so sick of listening to the was complain about such trivial things..by all acounts in listening to what their gripes are all about I myself should have been the one to have an a..I am the one who should have left..so what is it then...these waw's are just little girls who don't know crap about real love and marriage...or am I just an ignorant woman who's dedicated to her family and h???
just pissing and moaning yet again.
I am glad that I wasn't a waw..I am glad that I know better..I am glad I didn't have an a..even though according to all the different justifications I hear (read) from the waw's I should have been...I'm glad that I've been committed to my m..even when I wasn't thrilled...I'm glad that I'm strong and realize what love and marriage and committment and family are all about..
I wish I didn't get so angry when I read storied from the waw...I wish I could find words to tell them I do understand how they feel...but that those feelings can be overcome...you may not have been happy but your spouse does want to learn how to make you happy NOW...and so what if it is NOW...would you be happier if they never wanted to?? or are you pissed now because now you know that you were wrong...you weren't justified in your actions of having an a...and leaving or asking them to leave...why wouldn't you want to give it another chance...does it suck that it took for you to walk for them to get it?? ya...but you should be happy that they get it.
this post is not intended for anyone specifically....I'm just tired of hearing waw's whine and complain...he said this...he said that...he did this...he didn't do that....arggg!!!! if your lbs were as selfish and petty as you are...they wouldn't want to try...they'd look at you having your a's and pushing them out of their homes away fromt their children and tell you to go screw yourself and thank you for no longer having to try to please you cause obviously it aint possible...you need some dillusion for that.
LL
Hey Lovely Lady (LL),
Let me one to put the serial poster over 3100!
I'm just tired of hearing waw's whine and complain...he said this...he said that...he did this...he didn't do that....arggg!!!! if your lbs were as selfish and petty as you are...they wouldn't want to try...they'd look at you having your a's and pushing them out of their homes away fromt their children and tell you to go screw yourself and thank you for no longer having to try to please you cause obviously it aint possible...you need some dillusion for that.
Shame on you, LL, not very good DB'ing,
but thanks for givin' 'em hell Unfortunately, I can't say that to WAW or that would kill ANY chance!
You've been kind of quit this weekend, I hope that's a good sign!
T
ny
Quote:
You've been kind of quit this weekend, I hope that's a good sign!
it is!! it is during the week while h is at work that I get to feeling down..and petty and selfish as I accuse the waw's of doing...
you know what's funny...I was never a good dbr...yes for a few weeks during seperation I'd smile and be nice..no r talk..la di da all is well...thank you...but there were also plenty of times that I let h know exactly what I thought about what he was doing..the example of being a quitter that he was setting up for his children...the fact that he was foolishly throwing away family for some selfish ill woman who would surley do the same to him as she's done to her own h...oh boy oh boy...LL doesn't always keep her mouth shut..but the one thing I know is...sometimes ya just gotta let it out...now I know that I don't always let it out in a productive manner ie the little rant I just gave about waw's but when it's there it's there...it's raw...it's genuine...it's not methodically thought out and made all pretty nice nice for you to hear...that's just LL...if you don't want to hear the straight up truth...then don't talk to LL. she don't candy coat nothing but apples!!
phew!! now off to watch the news with h...were down at the bar tonight maybe we'll just get drunk and fall asleep on the couch.
LL
phew!! now off to watch the news with h...were down at the bar tonight maybe we'll just get drunk and fall asleep on the couch.
Sounds like you already got started! LOL at least you've got some one to watch the news with! I would cut off my D*** if I could just be home holding my W!
LIKE HELL I WOULD! enjoy the weekend LL
T
ny
LL,
I know what you're saying. I couldn't imagine, even if I was ever going to be a WAW (I don't think I'd ever be one), throwing away my wedding vows, my family, etc. for my own selfish reasons. Marriage means you STICK. You stick around, work on the problems, DON'T have an affair, you don't run. You TALK, you WORK. Marriage takes work, if the WAS is too weak to do that, then that's a HUGE character flaw that they need to fix, and if they won't, then they don't deserve the LBS who sticks it out!
I haven't really read many thread from WAW/WAS. I think it would piss me off a bit. Most of the time their reasons for walking away are so trivial. Also, I think that if they took the time BEFORE walking away to talk to their spouses and try to work things out, maybe they wouldn't be so miserable and walk away.
I love my H so much. I love my family so much. Sure, I'd have been "justified" in most people's eyes having an A, or walking away, or just giving up. But I didn't, I won't. Luckily, my marriage was saved (thank God!), and my family is intact. My H tries so hard, and yeah, I have my momentary lapses in trust, insecurity, etc. But my H never left, he stayed, miserable as he was at the time, and worked on it with me. He stuck around and now we have a chance. Maybe all of the WAS should have done that instead of complaining of such trivial things. What about the spouse left behind? What about the kids? The WAS just left, how could those children feel?? If they tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING to work on it, then they can leave if they want. Otherwise, in my opinion, they have no right to leave a marriage and family that they helped make just because they don't feel right about things at that moment.
Hope you are doing well. Just felt like adding to your thread.
Quoting lostlove:
by all acounts in listening to what their gripes are all about I myself should have been the one to have an a..I am the one who should have left..so what is it then...these waw's are just little girls who don't know crap about real love and marriage...
Well, I am very proud of the fact that I would have stuck it out...I would NOT have settled with being unhappy but would have done, was doing, something about it! She lacked fortitude! I finally gave up later on! She is STILL confused/unhappy/lost, I am doing well for myself! Wil I rub it in? NO! But it not only gives me pride, but the knowledge that I can and will not only survive, but thrive!
Steph
Hey LL. I am "pasting" my reply to what you wrote on my thread here only because I have NO intentions of continuing a thread of my own at this moment!
Quote:
There is a French song going around in my parts these days by one of the better (more creative, less mainstream) singers that says: "On est vieu et puis seul et rien ne reste plus que la fierté d'avoir aimé correctement ou la honte et les tourments de ne pas avoir compris à temps."
translasion: "We are old and alone and nothing is left but the pride of having loved well or the shame of not having understood in time"
I am proud of having loved well!
Steph
ding dong the biatch is moving!!!!
so many of you may know there was some issue for me of h still working for ow...I was told by h that there was/is a possibility that she'd be selling the house so his thought was to work until she moved away being there as little as possible..then she moves and he didn't have to disrupt the rest of the customers on the street...
well last night h was mentioning that he'd be getting a lot of calls over the next few days with the nice weather...people wanting to know when he'd be starting...so I asked if he had heard from the skank family...he said "actually yes..I got a message...the house is up for sale..to continue to work as usual until they sell..)
so I just took a look at some real estate listings...and found a home that sounded like hers...called the 1800# and don't ya know the seller is her..I had to hold in the chuckle as they gave me the name and phone number of the seller...
seems that she just wants to sell and move on...as the price she's asking is much lower than she could get for it...funny thing about the listing...in the description of the house there is a line that says...professional landscaping... ha ha ha!!!
anyway...I'm happy to see her house listed...I'll be happier when she moves away...hopefully to another state!!! and not the one I live in either!!!
LL
Great news LL. Sales are going well especially with a reasonable or low price.
She'll be gone really soon.
Good people always get what they deserve. You will now have one big issue gone for you and you deserve that.
Thanks for the b'day wishes my friend.
Dotto
Hi LL,
Just catching up. Love your rants!
Have you seen floyd's thread lately? Interesting happenings there.
Shiny
Yea...glad to hear she's moving...not soon enough.
You have come a long way..ups and downs..hang in there with your strength...you are proof that patience works...
Sue
Happy news!!!!
Hope the house is sold very soon!
Kip
(really what kind of a lunatic woman takes off all her clothes and walks toward her husband thinking he might give in?? lunatic!!) Works for me, and I wouldn't think you were a lunatic, just crazy obout H!
T
Quote:
Marriage means you STICK. You stick around, work on the problems, DON'T have an affair, you don't run. You TALK, you WORK. Marriage takes work, if the WAS is too weak to do that, then that's a HUGE character flaw that they need to fix, and if they won't, then they don't deserve the LBS who sticks it out!
My kind of girl, wish some would rub off om my WAW!
Thanks,
T
nyP
GREAT NEWS LL, THE WICKED WITCH IS MOVING!!!!!!!!!! T
nyP
PS: Thought about W all weekend, but NC
TonyP
I think you should buy the house, it will give you a secret hideaway.
Poe
Poe,
I really don't think I could live in that house without W. I've only been there once in 3 weeks, and it was weird! I like your catchy signature!
LL chewed us out for talking about LF's, and fart machines, then that was all she talked about for 3 posts!
PULL YOUR FINGER LL
LL, I hope your week goes like your weekend! "H is not w/OW", "H is not w/OW", "H is not w/OW", "H is not w/OW", "H is not w/OW", "H is not w/OW", "H is not w/OW", "H is not w/OW", "H is not w/OW",
W called Mom yesterday? Mom started to tell me, and I said "I don't want to hear it"
W said she has to think about the song?
I've got to get my butt in gear this week and make some money so I can finish the sex den!
One more thing, W came to my shop last night, took off all her clothes, ran to me, and we made love on my cot! THEN I WOKE UP; BOING!!!
LL, I think I'm regressing, can't get W off my mind! You talked about easter, women remember things like that, and W's 1st anniversary of meeting OG is coming up soon! I'm sure that is ALL she is thinking of! OH WELL, I'll be single soon!
T nyP
Time to journey back to Emerald City, once back may you'll be ready to go HOME!
Sorry, I just couldn't resist! 'til later,
KAW
Time to journey back to Emerald City, once back may you'll be ready to go HOME!
KAW,
If this was ment for me, I don't get it (men are slow)
TonyP
WHAT'S THAT ... WRONG NUMBER?!...
Thought this was LL's thread ... or has TonyP hijacked it again?...
Sorry Tony, the post was for LL.
'til later,
KAW
Tony
So you got KAW on your case/bandwagon now. Good work, wheres LL.
Poe
Quoting poepad:
Tony
So you got KAW on your case/bandwagon now. Good work, wheres LL.
Poe
LL gave up on tony when the only thing he could come up with that he liked about his w was that she's was the best piece of ass he's ever had...no point in waisting my time with someone who is that ignorant.
LL
LL gave up on tony when the only thing he could come up with that he liked about his w was that she's was the best piece of ass he's ever had...no point in waisting my time with someone who is that ignorant.
LL,
I think you're jealous!
T
Quote:
LL,
I think you're jealous!
T
honestly tony...what really is there to be jelous about??? I know I'm the best in many more ways than just that one to my h...and in that way too!!!
LL
LL,
Sage is trying to get a Boston group Friday night. Any interest?
Dotto
Quoting dotto:
LL,
Sage is trying to get a Boston group Friday night. Any interest?
Dotto
already responded to her thread in just for fun...funny I didn't even know she was from the area!! small world I guess.
LL
Sounds like an opportunity to start investing in real estate.... below market price, well maintained property, good neighborhood. Forward me the details, unless you might be interested in buying it yourself!!!
z
Quoting Zebra:
Sounds like an opportunity to start investing in real estate.... below market price, well maintained property, good neighborhood. Forward me the details, unless you might be interested in buying it yourself!!!
z
planning on relocating???? the house is in mass.
LL
I already own property in MA... I'm an investor...
You should buy it, rent it out, and become independant.
Or buy something else.
Where in Mass? (my IM is on now)
d
I had a really disasterous computer crash recently, and I lost your IM and Hotmail address. It was so bad that I had to buy a new computer to get up and running.
I'm on Microsoft Instant messenger from time to time at
striped_horse@hotmail.com. Maybe I can remember how to configure Outlook Express to access that too.
Lovely
If you read Tony's posts on the other threads, you would see somebody vacilatting even more than you.
Poe
Ps:I don't think he works anymore, 10 post a day, at all times.
lostlove you had a really good reply on purplelys thread.If you get time could you check out some of my thead
and maybe give me some insite to what XW might be feeling.We spend so much time together about all we don't do is sleep in the same bed
and nothing physical but we are together all the time.
Ps:I don't think he works anymore, 10 post a day, at all times.
You're right Poe, no motivation. By the time D day rolls around, I'll be broke and W will get ZIP.
Got e-mail from Miss Chevy Tahoe, will have to be more carful about posting, she is reading it!
T NYP