I just got married 5 months ago. Around 2 weeks ago, my wife told me it was over. She was tired of worrying about me. She says she did nothing but take care of me, and I gave nothing back. She says she hasn't loved me for over a year. Perhaps not coincidentally, I lost my job about a year ago... laid off. I had a very time consuming job for the first three months of our marriage.
She says she only got married because I proposed in a public place, and then there was so much momentum, she couldn't stop it. We just bought a house together 2 months ago. I asked for counseling, she refused. We have been together for around 5 years and been living together for almost 4.
We went back and forth over separation v. divorce and eventually I told her that though I was willing to fight to fix things with everything I had, if she isn't receptive to even seeing my hard work, then I guess we're done. At that point, she told me she needed a weekend to think about things. She went and visited her sister for new years. She came back and said it was over, and that she had slept with another man while she was away.
She has been very consistent the past couple days: this is over, I need to move on. I've essentially been "in crisis" the past few days, but luckily, I have amazing friends who have my back, and I've been couch surfing a bit.
EVERYONE was blindsided by this. She apparently talked to no one about her unhappiness. Everyone thought we were a wonderful loving couple. Everyone just basically says: "Who the F@*& does this?!?" and tells me she's crazy.
I think at this point I need to move on, but its hard.... I thought we were happy, in love... until two weeks ago. All my hopes and dreams were entangled with her. I don't really WANT to move on.
Is there any hope, or should I just move on, and say "better now than later", especially while there's no kids?
Additionally, she says she does not consider what she did cheating, as she isn't coming back to me, and told me so, so what does it matter if she "hooks up" with someone to have a good time?
alright... no action here!
Someone out there? A little feedback? Should I DB? This is so new... is there any hope?
First phone consult today. Implementing LRT. Stopping the chase. Getting a life.
So,
Less than 72 hours after breaking off contact with W, she contacts me via email to talk about logistics of me moving out. I inform her that I will be staying in the house, but I won't be hanging around, as I have stuff to do!
Everything totally positive. She asks if I'm on drugs. I figure its a joke. I've never been on drugs. I tell her no in a positive way.
She asks if I'm waiting until divorce is finalized or if this is a "money thing". I tell her that my only plan is to work on myself.
I'm still away from the house at the moment.
Well, she wouldn't stop emailing me until I gave her my plan. She wants me out of the house ASAP. Should i go?
Nope. Tell her that if since she is the one unhappy then she should leave. You were perfectly fine. It is your home too is it not?
My W told me the same thing and was amazed when I told her I wasn't leaving. They've got some nerve sometimes.
She told me she's finally "getting herself back" and that she'll die if she has to deal with me being in the house.
A better question might be: who does it benefit to fight over this? my M? Me? My W?
I mean... the biggest issue for me is that I don't want her sleeping her way through the town (she will) in our bed in our house. I guess I have to let that go. I know I can't control her.
Seriously: it's like bizarro wife walked into my house one day.
Seriously: it's like bizarro wife walked into my house one day.
i can certainly relate.. the only thing that is helping me get through this is to know that the man doing all the hurtful things to me right now is NOT my husband.. he's a stranger to me..
good luck with your situation, stay strong and positive
Today I went to the gym, and caught myself holding the bar in a certain way that I adopted when wearing my wedding ring. Sent me right into a mini-panic. The whole drive home, I kept checking unconsciously for my ring.
Its not there. Tempted to contact her, but I didn't.
I'm also physically lonely as hell. I've ALWAYS been a physical/sexual person.
Do you want to stay in the house? I did, and have...but my wife didn't even care, so she didn't fight me for it. If it's important to you and you can afford it, then stand your ground and stay as long as possible. She can't throw you out so DON'T let her bully you.
As far as deciding whether to move on or keep fighting...You have to decide that for yourself. No matter the outcome, I love my wife and cherished our relationship...so I wanted to do absolutely everything to turn our situation around, knowing that if it ended, I would have no regrets about the effort I put forth.
Aside from that, I think you're on track by focusing on yourself. Use this time to stop the behavior that she didn't like, and improve upon other things about yourself that you think would make you a better person. And do all this for YOU, not for her. If your marriage has to end, you want to be the best guy you can be when you decide you're ready to get into the market again.
She's the messed up one here, so don't let her suck you in with her negativity. Stay positive, hopeful, and show her the strength her husband has by providing strong, positive leadership. Be a man...a good man...and it will only help you in the long run.
Hard day yesterday. Just lonely and sad. Really wanted to get in touch with her, but I didn't. I'm staying with my sister, trying to collect myself. Haven't seen her in person or been in the house in 12 days.
Another hard day. Texted her to let her know I was coming back. Apparently her mother had a fast wedding this weekend. I feel increasingly desperate and lonely the past couple days.
Ug. Text fight. She thinks I'm a bad person for not moving out immediately. Last text from her after I said I was going to get out as soon as I can, but that won't be immediately:
"Work on that for real. I don't want to look at you every day and I'm sick of providing. Have all the furniture you want, just get the **** out, loser"
Of course, she forgets that I was employed for 3 of the 5 short months we were married, and have brought more money into the household than her.
This is real hell. Who IS this woman? I've been nothing but civil throughout this. She threatens me...
I never did anything to her... I don't get this...
I don't even know if DB'ing is a REMOTE possibility.
You said:
"better now than later", especially while there's no kids?"
I say - YES! I'm so sorry you are going through this, but really, you need to recognize that it is a GOOD thing you don't have kids with this woman.
- She's weak (who gets married just because they got proposed to in a public place and didn't have to guts to tell you they were having second thoughts?).
- She's selfish (SHE blows up the marriage but YOU are the one couch surfing while SHE sleeps in your home???)
- She's dishonest (don't believe for a moment that she went to her sister's to think it over and just had a random hookup with some guy - I place my bets on her having a boyfriend).
- She's unkind
Are these the qualities you want in the mother of your children? Is this the person who will have your back when the chips are down?
She's telling you who she is.
My ex told me who he was, too, when he slept with an old girlfriend the night before our marriage. I worked to patch it up, and went on to make a family with him. I patched it up again when he cheated on me when our kids were in their early teens. Then when he left several years later, I realized what an idiot I had been - he'd shown me that this was who he was all along! Unfortunately my kids paid the price for my stupidity and are suffering as a result of their parents divorce after 24 years.
A sitch like yours is one where I say move on. I know it is shocking and difficult, but just work on being a better you and try to figure out how you missed this side of her personality, so you will choose better next time.
Ellie
Well, I might agree with you on all but the boyfriend thing. I don't think its impossible, but I doubt it. This guy lives like 5 hours away, and she was in the past always ready for random hookups. I'm sure she's about to become rather promiscuous.
I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe it is time to move on.
Sad. One day when she finds some guy to knock her up, she'll miss having a devoted loving father for them. One day, she'll get dumped hard, and she will miss having a man who was willing to stick next to her through anything.
Anyone else out there think along the lines of kml?
"Well, I might agree with you on all but the boyfriend thing. I don't think its impossible, but I doubt it. This guy lives like 5 hours away, and she was in the past always ready for random hookups. I'm sure she's about to become rather promiscuous."
5 hr's away is irrelevant. Affairs are mostly about the emotional connection.
"I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe it is time to move on."
People only want what they can't have.... Sometimes moving on is the best way to get them back......
"Sad. One day when she finds some guy to knock her up, she'll miss having a devoted loving father for them."
Maybe, Maybe not... Don't concern yourself with things that are out of control... Use this time to work on yourself and become the best person you can be..
"One day, she'll get dumped hard, and she will miss having a man who was willing to stick next to her through anything."
Again, this is a waste of energy and unproductive thinking. Like everyone that get's bombed, you are hurt right now.... So is she... Time to be an example and get control of yourself... Become a person that only a FOOL would divorce..
Anyone else out there think along the lines of kml?
Divorce Busting isn't necessarily about saving your marriage... It is about saving yourself... Finding out who you really are, what makes you happy... It helps you to look for solutions to everyday problems and become aware of unproductive behavior... I say that you start D'bing and watch how it can help you through a very tough situation.
best of luck
tjack
Thanks. I imagine that she's going to push through D ASAP, which would be the 25th in my state. Hard to DB when the D has already happened.
Also, if this is who she is, I don't know if I like this person. She's just as hurtful as is possible, in any way possible. I may have had my faults as a husband, but I deserve better than this. I deserve to be loved.
I'm going to do most of the DB techniques, but I'm going to do them for me. I'll stick around on the boards for a bit. I just don't know what my W can do to show me she's a decent person. I do know she's going to push through D ASAP.
Thank you everyone. Of course, I'm still interested in what people have to say.
My next challenge: going back to the house. She's going to make it as painful as possible.
You were right. EA started a long time ago. PA happened over Christmas, after she dropped the bomb. Confirmed with W and a mutual friend.
I confronted her. She tried to deny it at first, but then admitted. Told me she's had feelings for him since she was 17, and she was burying them because she wanted our marriage to work. Until about August.
Also, oddly... today I got my first hint of doubt from her. Something along the lines of that she wants the same marriage I do, but she has zero faith in me, and she knows we'll be in the same boat in a year. She also referred to our marriage in the present tense for the first time in a month.
Ots,
stay strong, confident, decisive and calm.... You need to be in control of what you want. Positive steps are great, but you need to see hard, consistent ACTIONS that shows she wants your marriage to work. If she starts to waffle, don't let her see how this affects you. Walk-aways will test you to see if they still have control over you. If she were to decide she wants your marriage to work on again, you can't just let her walk back into your life. She f'd up, if you are so easy to forgive, it shows you have little personal value, and she can do whoever and whatever she wants and you will take her back.
I just read your posts and I am sending you big hugs. This is a crappy way to be.
Please keep DBing for yourself. It is very important that you become the person you should be for YOU! You cannot have another successful R or fix the M you are in, if you only change for a short time. And yes I know we all want things to change RIGHT NOW. Patience is something that is soooo hard. You can do this.
I am not here on the boards because I for sure want my H back. I am very undecided about this. I am here because I need to get better and I need all the support I can get. I will decide what to do when Iam who I want to be.
Don't stop posting here because you have given up on your M. Journalling on here is a great way to get through every day.
Take care of yourself!
went to IC today. They suggested that I'm not ready to return to the house. I'm not eating, not sleeping... she said I need to heal again.
Its just blow after blow after blow. I get a bomb dropped every 2 weeks.
Told W I wasn't coming back this week and asked her not to bring OW into our home. She said OK. I said thank you. She said you're welcome.
Ug. Just missing her bad right now. I'm an idiot.
You're not an idiot for feeling the way you do. You're human. Experience it, then go on.
IMO, I'd tell her that if she was the one who was unhappy, then she should be the one to move out. Stand your ground. I did to my W when she told me to move out.
When I told her I wasn't going to budge she looked at me as if I had 3 eyes. I told her that since she was the unhappy one, then she should leave as I was perfectly happy at home. She moved out but that's her decision.
Well darn - sorry I was right about the affair, but after you've hung around here for a while, you'll see there are only 3 or 4 scripts that people follow - so damned predictable.
I know you're hurting and have had the rug pulled out from under you, but I reiterate my points from last time:
1) SHE should move out, unless it is in your financial interest for her to stay in the home. Consult an attorney - you may be losing the right to live in the home if you stay away too long.
2) She has shown you something important about her character, character flaws don't really change. yes, there can be redemption and reconciliation but honestly - if she's this stupid and dishonest NOW, do you really think this is the person you can count on later in life, when you have cancer or she has a midlife crisis? Even if you won her back now - which is possible I suppose, usually once you move on they come running back - how would you ever be able to trust her with your future?
3) Work on yourself. We ALL have work to do on ourselves, that is the best thing to come out of DBing - a better you! Living well is the best revenge! My ex-husband left me after 27 years, I bought a drum kit and learned to play the drums in a rock band! I get a giggle out of imagining his face when the kids told him I was going on tour last fall!!!
Also - protect yourself financially. If you guys have any joint financial assets - move your half to another account. Close joint credit cards. If you have debt - work to get her cooperation in paying it down.
I know you're still shell shocked, but the sooner you start being PROactive about your life, the better off you'll be.
And don't worry about scaring her off. Get A Life, live it well, if she's CAPABLE of the kind of change it would take for you to trust her again, it's gonna take a while anyway. And she'll find you more attractive if she senses she's losing you, I bet.
But don't, under any circumstances, take her back without making her do the work. 6 months therapy and good behavior with complete transparency before you would even CONSIDER living with her again, okay???
Yeah. She's not taking me back. She's friggin done with me. I still love her, but she doesn't love me. End of story.
1) Neither of us can really afford the place on our own.
2) I miss her so blindly right now, I can't even think about that. Guess its the same way I loved her.
3)I am. Its hard when the blows just keep coming. Theres gonna be another one when she serves me with divorce papaers in a week or 2
Our joint savings got split already. The only other joint asset is the house.
She won't do any work. No therapy. No nothing. As far as she's concerned, she moved on a long time ago.
Bottom line...get rid of your fear. Read through the post you just made. You're scared and unsure. It's perfectly understandable. When you're with her though, change your attitude to being self-assured and strong. You can get through this.
Thank you, MrBond. That last post was quite helpful to me. <not sarcastic>
I always liked the bit below:
I will not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me,
and when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
My body seems to think that 4 hours is the natural limit on sleep.
Sigh.
Anyway, I woke up at 4am and realized that my W went from wanting LS to wanting D after EA went to PA.
Awesome.
She called to discuss D details. It got emotional. I went back to begging and pleading, though in a calmer manner. Oy.
I think it made me realize though: she just isn't the person I was in love with.
I am taking active steps to move on. I am going to talk to some women. I am going to start dating. I am going to find my own place. I am going to improve myself. I need to have something to look forward to so that I can stop looking back.
I think dating will help because it was the only thing that really stopped my jealousy when this happened to me 6 years ago.
I mean... this was a 4.5 month marriage that effectively ended a month ago. I deserve some comfort, and to be honest, I deserve to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me.
I just have to be careful when dating to go VERY VERY SLOW.
D will likely be official by end of month.
I think the only real possibility of DB'ing this is for me to completely move on anyway.
"I think the only real possibility of DB'ing this is for me to completely move on anyway."
If you found yourself still begging and pleading, you haven't been DB'ing at all. IMO, if you feel like you need another woman to get over a woman, especially the "I deserve to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me.", then I'm sorry to say that you aren't going to be happy.
You're looking for another crutch right now, which is your perogative. If you really feel that you are one of those who NEEDS someone, then you're going to find yourself empty each time.
Look at the very first post you put on here. YOu said your W was tired of always taking care of you. You sounded more like a child and she like a mother. And you're still acting like that. You're just looking for another mother who is going to care for you. If you haven't changed, you will be back in the same position again.
IMO try working on that first and then move on. But that's just my .02.
Mr. Bond:
Well, you're right that I need to improve myself. 100%
I just don't do well on my own. I really do have a need to love and be loved. However, I know that if I am going to go into a new relationship, I need to be healthy. I'm not necessarily going to be looking for my next wife. Just some companionship for the time being.
Obviously I won't be physical until D happens.
"I just don't do well on my own. I really do have a need to love and be loved. However, I know that if I am going to go into a new relationship, I need to be healthy. I'm not necessarily going to be looking for my next wife. Just some companionship for the time being."
It's not bad to go out with female friends, hang out... talk...whatever.... This helps your confidence and can do wonders for your emotional well-being. However, you are no where near being ready to be in any kind of relationship... it will only mask the pain, and it isn't fair to whoever you are with.... It will come back to haunt you. My personal advice you are ready to date once you are happy being alone, and you have come to terms with reality... You date not to spite your wife or provoke jealousy... It is because you are ready for you.... However others may disagree with dating completely..to each their own.
Yeah... maybe you're right about dating. I'm all over the place.
I'm starting to accept the concept of not being with her.
Starting to think about the concept of being alone for a bit and fixing myself. If dating happens, it happens, but I don't need to rush it.
Had a phone interview for a decent job today, which was great. Got the call while I was in IC.
W is really pushing to get the D finalized ASAP. She's willing to give me the house and leave town to go back to her family and OM.
I will move my single friends in and surround myself with people who care about me.
I'm a bit scared about next week, since that's likely when D will get filed, and I'll still be in our house with her. I think she won't bring the OM to the house, but she's been saying such unreal hurtful things, that I don't know what to think.
I learn more and more details of affair from mutual friend. Awesomer and awesomer.
Odd exchange via text:
W: You have a personal letter here from a XXXX of XXXX.
M: Ok thanks
W: Whos that and why is she sending you handwritten notes?
M: Just a friend she's in the Army
W: Ha. OK then.
M: I don't understand why you care
W: its funny that you never mentioned you had a lady pen pal. bit I don't care and thats why I'm not opening it
M: Its really not your concern
W: I know. I don't give a crap. you can be pen pals and date any girl you want.
I really have been behaving like a married man, so I have nothing to be ashamed of here. I was bizarre to know she got jealous though. Don't understand in the least.
Odd exchange via text:
W: You have a personal letter here from a XXXX of XXXX.
M: Ok thanks
W: Whos that and why is she sending you handwritten notes?
M: Just a friend she's in the Army
W: Ha. OK then.
M: I don't understand why you care
W: its funny that you never mentioned you had a lady pen pal. bit I don't care and thats why I'm not opening it
M: Its really not your concern
W: I know. I don't give a crap. you can be pen pals and date any girl you want.
I really have been behaving like a married man, so I have nothing to be ashamed of here. I was bizarre to know she got jealous though. Don't understand in the least.
Do you really want to know what you should have done instead of bantering with her?
Missing her bad right now. Been out of town throughout most of this. Heading back tomorrow. I need to make a plan so that I have things to do when I get back.
Ok... decided not to head back, and watch the game with my family instead. STBX started going crazy on me because she wants to file on the first possible day (tues), and I told her I just wanted a nice day with my family and to not have to deal with this.
Ended up talking on the phone. Big fight. Called her evil and devoid of empathy. Told her that I don't feel bad that I'm not pushing through her big plan fast enough. She told me I didn't give her enough notice about not coming home. I told her she didn't give me enough notice about ruining my life. She told me I gave you plenty, and hung up on me.
Whole day completely ruined. I think I hate her, and simultaneously I feel like this is all my fault. She is so cruel. She can't give me any time to breathe, like I have given her. She tells me she can't live in limbo. I've completely blown it as far as DB'ing.
Day shot to hell. Life shot to hell.
As further proof that I've got no shot of DB'ing:
We were discussing terms of divorce and as always, it turned emotional:
Me: How can I trust that you'll honor this contract when you've casually violated the most important and sacred contract a person can make?
STBX: Marriage is about partnership and love. You were a bad partner and husband. I don't love you.
Me: I wasn't a bad partner.
I KNOW that this is the exact thing I can't say, but I lose all emotional control when interacting with her. Every time I talk to her I'm a wreck. It doesn't matter. She's divorcing me in 48 hours.
ots, I've just read through your posts. Honestly, these are some of the most shocking words I've heard on this forum. I know what I am supposed to say to you but I can't manage to say it. No one deserves the venom that your W is spewing. No one.
Your W is a child and I suspect has many profound issues. I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm a bit out of line, but really I am just shocked by what I am reading.
I'm glad you stayed with your family today instead of going home. Seriously, ots, you need to figure out a way to get your life back. You need to be okay with who you are and be okay ON YOUR OWN. You need not be dating right now because you need to work on your self confidence. Honestly, PLEASE, read your posts again from beginning to end. Have someone you really, really trust read these posts from beginning to end. There is something not right about your W and your situation.
And seriously, STOP TALKING TO HER. The more you engage her in these conversations, the more venom. What are you accomplishing by doing this. You can control your emotions. Believe me, if you met me, you'd understand I KNOW what I am talking about. I used to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. Now, I AM in control. It is a matter of being VERY mindful of how you are feeling and stopping yourself when you know you are about to react. Think about what you are trying to accomplish.
ots, I am very, very sorry for what you are going through. I really am. How you feel does matter very much to people.
OK. I told her today that all D talk is to go through my L.
Since for the past couple weeks, every painful discussion has been precipitated by STBXW calling to discuss D details, that should give me a break from the pain for long enough for me to gather my strength.
ots,
I think that is a very wise move. Go dark. Build your strength. Give yourself time to make some of the changes you've wanted to make and do some of the things that you wanted to do. Realize that you are worth something and that you deserve respect. Make sure that you are giving respect also.
You are going to make it through this. I know it may not feel like it right now, but you are.
Please keep us updated.
LIS
Had talk with lawyer today. The D isn't going to happen overnight. Its a matter of weeks, not days. I do have a third (and final) job interview back home on Friday. Means I'm going back to the house Thursday night.
Serene acceptance and looking good at all times. GAL. No emotional breakdowns. I don't know that I'm gonna be DB'ing per se, but I think its good advice none the less.
I know it's tough to think logically about financial issues when you've been hit by an emotional mack truck, but I want to walk you through a few scenarios.
It sounds like, in this short marriage, the house and any debts are the only real things to be split up - correct? And I believe you said she wants to leave the house to you?
Consider this carefully for the moment. I'm assuming the house purchase is fairly recent, so any equity in it is likely just the down payment, IF you're lucky?
So - consider the following scenarios and think CAREFULLY about what is best for you:
A) She keeps the house and buys you out. She would have to be able to qualify for a new loan on her income alone, in order to get you off the mortgage. The absolute worst thing is for you to still be on the mortgage papers but you've signed the house over to her - NEVER do that. If she defaults, you're on the hook for a loan on a house you don't own.
B) YOU keep the house and buy HER out. Again, normally YOU would have to qualify for a new loan, which you won't be able to do with your recent work history, I'm guessing. And unless there's a substantial amount of equity in the home, it could be risky.
Let's take a hypothetical scenario: you own a house worth $100k and had put 20k down so the mortgage is 80k. You pay her $10k and refi the house to a 90k mortgage to cover it. Next year you're out of work again and can't afford to keep the house, so you sell it. After you pay 6k in realtor's fees, plus closing costs for the loan and money to spruce up the house to sell - you probably walk away with zero in your pocket - ASSuming you can sell it for the original $100k. If the market has dropped, you could LOSE money. And SHE walked away with 10k.
Let's take another hypothetical - still a 100k house with an 80k mortgage. You keep the house and she agrees to give up her equity in the home to you. She also agrees to leave her name on the mortgage for 2 years (which would be STUPID on HER part but hey, if she's in such a hurry to get out she might be dumb enough to agree to it). If you are still forced to sell in a year, at least you have some equity to work with and MIGHT come out a tiny bit ahead.
Third scenario - you agree to sell the house and split the profit, if any. This way you are both equally on the hook if you lose money on the house.
Think VERY carefully. If you've only owned the house a short time, I rather doubt it makes any sense for either of you to keep it.
Its a 165k house with 135k mortgage. We were rehabbing it. It should be a 200k house, even in this market, if it were in decent condition.
She's offering to leave mortgage in her name, but leave deed in both, and I pay for everything. It's a 4 bedroom house and I have at least 3 personal friends lining up to rent.
How much is it going to cost you to finish rehabbing this house? Where will you find the money for that? I'm assuming the rent from friends will pay the mortgage payments, but it still costs money to remodel.
How long is she willing to keep the mortgage in her name? What is your long-term plan - to buy her out or to sell the house once it's finished? How you handle things differs depending on your plan.
For instance:
Scenario 1) She agrees to keep the mortgage in her name for two years, and to quitclaim the property to you FOR NO MONEY once you are able to refinance it into your name. You plan to keep the house long-term. Will you be in a position to refinance in 2 years? If interest rates have risen considerably, will you still be able to afford the house at an 8% or 10% interest rate? Is your personal credit rating decent, or crummy? If you spend $20,000 to rehab the house, you might end up with 30 or 35k after selling it, IF she gives up her interest in the house.
Scenario 2) Wife agrees to keep her name on the mortgage and deed but wants to be bought out in two years at 50% of the equity. You spend $20,000 rehabbing the house, room mates carry the mortgage for you. In two years house is worth 200k, you have to come up with $32,500 to buy her out. However, since you had to spend $20k to rehab, and would have to pay realtors fees if you did sell it, you really end up with - zero profit.
Scenario 3) Wife agrees to keep her name on the mortgage for two years, then wants to be bought out at 1/2 of the current (today)equity = $15k. You spend 20k rehabbing and in two years the house is worth 200k. (Values are not projected to go up). After you pay her 15k, your actual profit is 50k - minus 20k invested in rehab = 30k minus costs of selling approx 15k = 15k. That's a whole lot of work for MAYBE 15k. And as someone who just paid 25k last years for a bathroom leak-mold-damage-stripped to studs-new sewer line needed disaster, let me remind you that Murphy's law holds especially true for home remodeling. Will you be able to handle it if you need a new roof, or major plumbing repair, or similar expenses? Is this house relatively new and just in need of cosmetic work, or is it 1960's or older and ripe for major unexpected repairs? Are you experienced at doing this kind of work yourself, or are you expecting to hire it out?
I speak as someone who has earned considerable sweat equity on homes in the past, and has laid tile, built kitchen cabinets out of a flat pack, etc. You CAN earn sweat equity sometimes but it's way harder than most people think - and if you have poor interior decorating taste, you can spend plenty and get NO return on your money.
Scenario 3 is what she wants.
Its a 100 year old house.
I can do most work myself. I won't mess with electrical more complicated than putting in a light or light switch.
My taste is impeccable
I will point out that even zero profit is better than renting.
Is it? Zero profit still means you are tied to that location, and potentially could lose money if some new house repair emergency arises. Versus renting, where you would have LOADS more free time (during a very stressful time in your life) and complete freedom to move wherever you like or need to.
Mind you - if you love the house and think it's a good investment and are excited to work on it - fine, this may be a good choice. But look vERY carefully at ALL aspects of this deal, crunch the numbers and be honest with yourself about what this will really cost. All too often the left-behind spouse wants to hold onto the house, and it is often to their detriment.
Interesting. I will keep that in mind. Thank you.
I find it interesting that even the DB'ers seem to think it's time to let go of the M. Probably right, but it still hurts.
www.sadtrombone.com
Well, if you're asking is there any hope she'll come back - actually, I think it's entirely possible. More likely to happen if YOU move forward in your life, grow strong, look attractive. Strength and confidence is attractive - neediness is not. They usually think twice if you're doing well.
BUT - this may or may not happen, and may happen tomorrow or 20 years from now. Don't make the mistake of mixing up the business end of a divorce, with the emotional end. Protect your financial interests, build an exciting interesting life for yourself - and worry about whether you would even take her back later.
OH no... that isn't what I'm asking. What I MEANT was that its bizarre that even the most pro-marriage community on the net thinks its time to cut her loose, at least for the moment, and are giving me advice on how to best do it.
Clinging to them NEVER works. Showing them a better you, a confident capable you, SOMETIMES works. And my perspective, as I've explained before, is a little different when you're young and don't have kids yet - colored by my own experience.
You definitely shouldn't take her back, however, until she has done the work she needs to do - and that would take time. So live your life as if she's not coming back, and if she does come back, make her work on her [censored] first.
ots,
Did you read Divorce Remedy, by any chance? I can honestly understand how it feels like everyone is telling you to cut her loose. That isn't exactly what everyone is saying. They are saying that you need to first work on you. You need to improve yourself and forget about the M for a little while. If she decides to divorce while you are doing this, then that's her poor decision. But you are not going to get her back by doing the same things all the time.
ADDITIONALLY, I am one that believes you need to take a serious look at your situation and your W's words. They really are very nasty and I don't believe you should allow her to speak to you that way. Do you speak to her that way? Perhaps you do and I misread the situation. But it really bothered me to read some of those things.
I think that I am also very bothered by your W's cavalier attitude towards M. You've barely been married for 6 months and she's already discussing D? I am so impressed by you showing up here to try and learn and do something. I am doubly impressed that you are man doing this. But, I think that your W has some maturing to do. I'm sorry if I am hurting you. You don't have a clue how much I don't want to do that because I am hurting so badly and I don't think I could handle if someone else was trying to hurt me. I want you to feel better. I so want that for you.
You must take care of yourself. You also should listen to kml who is giving some fantastic advice and things to think about financially.
You are worth making changes in your life! You are worth giving yourself the best chance at a great life!!!
LIS
I have read DR.
I'm feeling this way now:
I'm moving on and bettering myself. I'm not even hoping she'll come around. She's in lala land with a new man.
Great for her.
I'm getting me better, with or without her. IF she somehow decides different (which she won't. she's one of the most stubborn people I've ever met), then I will deal with that then. At the moment, she is an immature woman who doesn't love me, and doesn't honor her commitments. She obviously has NO idea what marriage is or is supposed to be. Oh yeah, she doesn't love me. Why would I pursue her? Why would I want THIS woman to raise my kids?
I'm solely focused on moving on and bettering myself. If she betters herself, MAYBE, SOMEDAY, she can have a shot at ME.
I am an attractive, intelligent, caring, man, with a strong orientation towards family. I can find a woman who will be those things as well.
I just deserve better. It COULD be her one day, but that's not up to me, and I'm not waiting for her.
I am so happy to hear you saying these things because YOU DO DESERVE BETTER.
Like kml says, if she decides different, then you need to be assured that she has worked on herself. I don't think she understands what love is right now. I am not so sure this is about you. And as far as the new man is concerned, say a prayer for him because he's going to be in the same spot pretty soon.
Something else really struck me about what you said. You are right, you must consider your future children and the type of person you want raising them. Children are a lifetime commitment that you cannot walk away from.
Please take care of yourself and keep us updated on how you are doing.
Well, I won't be praying for OM, lol. I'm not quite there yet.
Tonight I will pray for myself, and the people I love to have happy lives, filled with love.
LOL!!! I do understand about not praying for the OM yet
How are you doing today?
Just got back to the house. Wife handed me some sort of summons alleging all sorts of abuse. I have NEVER laid a hand on her, I have NEVER threatened to do so.
Called L, L told me that while I can legally stay in the house, it might not be a good idea tonight.
Crashing at a friends.
L appt and job interview tomorrow.
Is there some way you can fight those charges and have her removed?
So, on my L advice, I called up a friend to crash. He takes me out for a drink. I step outside to smoke, and I'm served with D papers. At midnight, in front of the bar.
So after today, needless to say: I'm done.
Mr. B: I have no idea. I will discuss with L in the morn.
ots, I'm sorry if this is a bit out of line, but this is a bit crazy. Is your wife on drugs, by any chance? I just don't understand her saying you abused her if you did not lay a hand on her???
Well, lost, I have been told it is not uncommon in this state to make the accusations she has to use as leverage during negotiations.
As to her drug use: she was always a casual drinker and smoker, but it appears she's been drinking heavily, and the house stunk of pot when I was in it today to shower and grab clothes.
Additionally, she has sent letters to my lawyer that even my lawyer said were "ridiculous" "only to hurt me" and "not based on any applicable law".
I really just want this to be over.
As crazy and vicious as she is behaving, you need to take every possible precaution to protect yourself and your interests:
1) If there are any joint accounts left, withdraw 50% now. Check with your lawyer, but I believe so far as you only take 50% you would be ok.
2) If you have any joint credit cards, see what you can do to separate them. If there are credit card debts, you might not be able to get your name taken off until they are paid. But if there are joint cards without balances, see what you can do to separate them - you don't need her running up debts that you will be responsible for.
3) Do NOT EVER go to the house without another person in tow. You need a witness to testify in your behalf if she makes further accusations. NEVER BE ALONE WITH HER AGAIN.
4) Check your credit. Whacko spouses sometimes do weird things financially - make sure she hasn't taken loans out in your name etc.
5) Family can never be counted on - blood is thicker than water - BUT if you have a good relationship with her family, you might appeal to them to pressure her to retract the false charges. This would ONLY work if you have an excellent relationship with her family and they love you and would never believe her.
So sorry you are going through this, but she IS telling you who she is, isn't she??? Sad.
Ellie
Document everything. Save every correspondance and take pictures of your property. In her state of mind right now, you don't know what she's capable of doing.
Protect yourself first and foremost.
Thanks guys. I don't know if I should keep posting here. I just don't know if this story is going to inspire anyone with a spouse worth fighting for
I'm worth fighting for though.
ots,
You're not here to inspire anyone. You're here to get help. And YES, you are worth fighting for.
EVERYTHING KML AND BOND SAID. If you have joint credit cards, whether there is a balance or not, you can close them. Do that NOW.
I suspected that she is on drugs. Can you stay away from the house? Can you just get your stuff and get out of there???? Listen, you don't know what she is involved in. If there are drugs in that house, you have a problem. Call your lawyer. Find out what kind of trouble you could have there. Tell him/her what you smelled. The last thing you need is a drug charge against you because of her.
ots, please stick with us. Bond and kml are awesome and have been around the block with people a few times. They are great resources.
Please, take care of yourself and keep us updated on how this is going.
LIS
Been staying at a friends while I apartment hunt. Moving in with two good friends, to keep rent down.
Went out tonight, had a nice time. The temptation to get boldly hammered is great, but I've been able to keep that in check. Had one beer. Saw some people I know and like. Met some new people. Talked to a girl. Came home (to friends) alone.
Baby steps.
I'm not quite my boisterous, super-outgoing self, but I'm not total downer dude either.
Then you know what? You are way ahead of me!!! And I was bombed 3 months previous. You have a lot to be proud of!!!!! And I am proud of you!
It's going to take a little while for you become boisterous again. Give yourself some time for that! You have kind been in a train wreck so you need some recovery time.
Any interactions with your W?
Well, today was interesting. I feel like a switch tripped in my head. Dopamine has reentered my neural pathways. I have things to look forward to next week. Apartment hunting. 2 get to know you social interactions with members of the opposite sex. 2 job interviews.
Now, I don't know the details of your sitch, Lost, but I really can't imagine a better situation for getting over things than mine. At this point, I don't know that there's anything my STBX could do that would make me take her back, short of finding out she has a tumor that made her act this way. I've completely "dropped the rope" I will not let her actions control my emotions. I haven't had any interaction with her since Thursday, and I don't plan to. I will let my L handle it from here out.
I will recommend the following song, though I don't know your taste in music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAtg6_PSSyYActually, the whole album is great for our sitch.
I truly hope we both have weeks that see us happier at the end than they are now!
Please let us know how your job interviews go. I think that is awesome!!!!
That is such a great song and THANK YOU.
I am glad that you are taking care of yourself and getting better. I have to tell you that your turnaround is nothing short of amazing. I'm so sorry for what you are going through but I hope that you are starting to realize that better days ARE ahead for you. You are worth the changes you are making and you are starting to realize that. That is just so awesome!!!
Has there been any other developments with W and the accusations she's made against you?
Job interview went well enough that I got a call scheduling me for the final interview. This is a good thing.
Interesting: during IC yesterday, my little old lady therapist told me to go "get laid", but don't start looking for a new relationship. Laughed hard. Felt good.
I have a date tonight.
And so when's the final date of your D?
That is so awesome about the interview. Congratulations!!!
Be careful with the dating thing, ok? And seriously, how in the world did you get a date already!!!??? I'm jealous!
I know MrBond before you come after me... I'm not there yet.
Mr. Bond: ASAP. Can't be more accurate. I'm just letting the lawyers deal with it.
As far as how I have a date, I'm attractive, assertive, and most importantly: I asked.
Tread very carefully. She could use it against you. Then you might be hurting the new person by dragging her along with you.
Mr. Bond: that's completely legitimate.
I talked to my L, and she said to date or do whatever with whoever I want. She said that the way the laws are written in our state, who sleeps with who really doesn't make a difference any more. It's simply grounds, and STBX has already filed for "irreconcilable differences".
So... good date. 4 hours of drinks and conversation, along with some spark.
Then when I drove back to where I'm sleeping, I passed my house. Strange car in the driveway. I'm an idiot for even driving by.
((((((hugs))))))
I know it stings, but just think - whatever poor sucker ends up with her - is gonna end up with a cheater.
I'm glad you had a nice date. Everybody handles dating differently. And while it is usually problematic if you are still hung up on your ex - sometimes it is just what you need to see that your ex wasn't all that.
Now, I'd had a LOT more time to process than you have - but the guy I dated after my ex left really restored my confidence (because he thinks I'm hot
) and showed me what I'd really been missing out on with my ex, because he was really a better man in many ways.
Just be careful that you don't latch on to the first woman who is nice to you. Be discriminating in your choices.
OMG kml I can so relate to that.
OTS listen to what she just said. It's easy to fall for the first skirt that is nice to you. At the risk of sounding like a jerk, I have to say there are a lot of damaged single people out there. Especially in my age group.
But to be fair, I am one of them LOL.
Meh. It sucked for like 12 hours. I'm over it now. It wasn't really so much a jealousy over her shock, as much as it was a "I'm that replaceable?" kinda sting.
As far as not latching onto the next skirt: yeah. I'm aware of that pitfall. To help, I have a date with a different girl on saturday, and a second date with girl A on sunday for brunch. Additionally, I've kinda disclosed my sitch (not all the details obviously) to both of them, so I doubt either of them (being sane as far as I know) are sprinting to be the next love of my life.
Signing lease on new apartment tomorrow. Felt good to be taking a concrete "moving on" step. On the other hand I was like "I just bought a big nice house in the nice part of town and now I'm doing this?"
Such is life.
I hope everyone has a happy and healing evening!
OK. Good weekend. Started to move some stuff into new place. Two dates, both of which went well.
Now for a good week!
Good interview this morning. now to IC and then to L.
Clearing out house tomorrow of my stuff. This should be super awesome.
STBX was there with OM who followed me around my own house.
I was able to damn near completely avoid communication.
I was rattled though.
((((((((hugs))))))))
That sounds totally sucky. But says yet again something about HER character and insensitivity, doesn't it?
I know it may be hard to hear right now but you are SO LUCKY to find this out about her now and not after 20 years and three kids. Trust me on this.
Your goal right now is to focus on building a better you - we ALL have things we need to work on in ourselves - and to figure out how and why you ignored the red flags about her, so that you choose better next time.
It was totally sucky.
OM had a bunch of his stuff moved into what was my bedroom. He lives in another city, but spends as much time as possible at my place with stbxw.
I don't know if I was blind to who she was, or if she changed. I don't understand how she feels completely justified in this. She really thinks everything she is doing/has done is completely ok.
And now she's spending Valentines day with OM in my house in our bed, right up the road. All I can do is sit here in my apartment alone.
I'm pissed at myself for even giving a S$^$! There's already (much better) women who want to be with me... but thats a whole 'nother story.
Hard couple days. Really lonely.
Hang in there ots. That's why it's important to not rely on the opposite sex to make you happy. What have you been doing to live your life?
working on job, spending time with friends, got back to gym yesterday.
A bit better today.
She's not coming back. I'm just trying to accept it and move on.
She's certainly been hurtful enough to make me realize that.
Miserable yesterday. I spent all day missing STBX. Almost like early sitch panic. Went to sleep feeling calm, but woke up with the obsessive thoughts of STBX and OM. I have had NC for nearly a month now.
Someone taught me this useful thing early on here:
If you were watching a really upsetting movie that disturbed you - would you keep watching it? Over and over?
Of course not. So WHY keep replaying over and over this most painful thing that is happening to you?
When it starts up, imagine a BIG RED STOP SIGN.
Then put on some happy music (no sappy country songs allowed!)and do something else. Stop watching that bad movie.
I used that before and it helped, but things popped up again this week.
I'm trying.
I feel so stupid for missing her after all she's said and done.
Don't feel stupid. It's been a really short time and what would it say about you if you were able to turn off those loving feelings on a dime? But keep up the focus on building a new better life for yourself, stay busy with friends, and those feelings will fade. And if you want to date, date. I know many will say it's too early, but in a situation like this, a little love affair with someone who treats you right can be healing.
Well, confession time:
I have dated, and the woman seems to want a lot out of our relationship. She's super into me.
She spent the night this past friday, and I ended up feeling way worse for it... one of my friends says its the feeling of finality. I don;t know.
Well - beware of women who want to latch on right away. Not that I am personally opposed to a little romp in the hay if you are both very attracted, but if she wants to turn it into a full blown relationship right away, knowing you are so recently separated, she might be a Clingon. Tread carefully.
Judging by your reaction, you just might not be ready for that yet.
Well, she called today.
She said that I've been cutting her off from the whole D situation. I told her that I thought that was healthy at this point, as she doesn't need to be burdened with that.
She told me she can't get to know half of me. This is who I am and what I'm dealing with, and she's a big girl and can make her own decisions. She told me she wants to know what's going on. So I told her. The whole bit.
I told her that I certainly wouldn't want to know what was going on if the tables were turned, and that I don't understand why she's not running away screaming.
She isn't though. I'm giving myself a 2x a week limit with seeing her. I'm not ready to sprint into anything, and she's got a ridiculous schedule anyway.
OK. Consider hay rolled. Felt good (emotionally) this time. Decided not to spend the night though. For some reason, that seems... intimate, and I don't know how intimate I'm ready to be.
Today was again filled with anxiety and depression. Woke up feeling vaguely suicidal.
So, I made a fast appt with IC.
Substitute IC today, since my normal IC is on vacation. Actually I got IC's boss. She wanted a run down of my situation. I gave it to her, and talked a bunch.
At some point, this came up:
About 2 years ago, STBX had a family reunion. STBXMIL pulled me aside and told me "We used to call her the ice queen. We used to joke she could never have babies because she would eat her young. But you have made her so happy. The Ice Queen is gone. She can't stop talking about wanting children with you. I can't thank you enough for making my daughter happy, because we never thought she would be." I was touched and moved. In retrospect, it was a warning. I got the Ice Queen back.
IC told me "Anyone can be unhappy in a relationship. Anyone can be considering leaving their partner, but her coldness and brutality is simply chilling, and I've been doing this for 20 years."
Also, they want me on AD's. I have to see a doc to get that obviously.
Last, I deleted all of my texts with STBX, which go back to pre-sitch, and include pix from our honeymoon, and the last time she told me she loved me.
Wow. What a thing for a mother to say about her own daughter. That speaks volumes!!!!!!
Good job going right to the IC, recognizing when you needed help. ((((Hugs)))))
You know, you should start a new thread somewhere that gets more traffic - it may seem early to you still, but you might want to join us on the Surviving the Big D forum. You'll get more responses, which can be helpful.
Thanks, I asked the mods.
Yoo hoo.... mods? Hola?
Anyway... first day on AD's. New chick is pretty cool.
Trying to take it slow, but I don't even know what that really looks like. If nothing else, I'm trying to limit my actual face to face contact. She's been unbelievably supportive through all this. Had conversation where I said "you're a fixer, aren't you?". And she paused... and said... yeah.
Either way, I like her a lot. She's good people from a good family.
And then I spend an hour and a half googling up my stbx and OM. Stuff like that is getting less frequent, but it still [censored] when it happens. Also, I realized that most of her family has "blocked" me on facebook. This makes no sense at all. I mean... I could understand defriending, but I always LOVED her family (one half anyway) and they always seemed to love me. Especially stbxfil. We had a pretty special relationship. I'm sure she's lying and telling them I was some abusive monster as a set-up to introducing OM as savior, if she hasn't already introduced him.
Oh well. I've already traded up as far as I'm concerned.
ots,
I've been reading your posts these past few weeks and just watching you self destruct. Remember when I mentioned that you better start to learn how to GAL without relying on women or else you're going to find yourself in the crapper again? Well it's happening and you can't even see it.
So you're on anti-depressants, getting suicidal thoughts, etc. And the first thing you do is hook up with several women to get a fix. That's what they are to you. A fix. In the end you're still left alone.
Learn to take care of yourself first without a woman or else you're going to have those mood swings for the rest of your life.
ots -
you don't need the mods to move to Surviving the big D. Just start a thread there and post a link to this one. If you don't know how to do that, just start a new thread and ask someone to help you with the link.
AS for her family blocking you - are you sure that's what happened? Or did they just defriend you and are not answering your messages because they feel awkward? The truth is, however much they may have liked you, blood is thicker than water in these circumstances. Maybe she's telling them lies, or maybe they just feel guilty and awkward and don't know what to say to you. Let it go.
I know everyone will tell you not to date, and there is certainly a REAL danger in jumping right back into a relationship without working on your own stuff first. Still, I understand the balm that a new date can be to a wounded ego. Just be a little careful about it. Take your time. Be wary.
Mr. Bond: I will discuss what you have brought up in IC.
KML: I have no idea what their motivations may or may not have been. My grandmother once told me that "blood is blood and sh-t is sh-t." She was an amazingly kind person, but I guess she understood something that I did not until now.
Feeling a bit better the past couple days.
My grandmother once told me that "blood is blood and sh-t is sh-t."
Oh, I've got to remember that one!
And my thread got moved.
Hey all new people.
Hi! You made it! How are you doing?
Ellie
Sorry that you find yourself here. I just started reading your situation and will try to finish up before I blurt out words of wisdom! Welcome to "Thriving". Hope we can all help you along.
kat
Thanks. Today started rough (anxiety), but ended well. Had lunch with family, then IC in the evening, followed by friends.
The IC is immensely helpful. I'm seeing some things about my M that I wasn't able to see while in it. Also talked quite a bit about G and new relationships in general.
Then I spent some time with the boys. Thanks all!
I'm seeing some things about my M that I wasn't able to see while in it.
Funny how that is, huh? I look back on my 24 year marriage and am sometimes shocked at the things I was able to hide from myself while I was married.
Yeah....
As far as G, basically came down to this: proceed with caution. Continue working on yourself.
Wow! You have gone through the crazy wringer. You are no way near ready to date yet. You need to get a good read on you as the good, the bad and the ugly of ots.
An analogy that might help: several years ago I was a flight attendant. Not crazy about my job but the pay was good. Anyway , several years ago there was a crash where everyone died. These were people I knew and had worked with. I was terribly upset but was going to work because I didn't have any sick time left to call out. My supervisor came to me and said I was going home. I was in no shape to save anyone let alone myself ( which is what flight attendants are there for by the way). I started to disagree but he continued "don't let this stop you from flying. Make sure you keep flying until you aren't scared anymore. If you don't, the fear will win and you probably won't fly again."
I have used this sage advice many times since. Get yourself where YOU can take care of you and then overcome your fears and wade back in.
kat
Midnight last night: STBX calls me hysterical, asks me to come over. Something is wrong, and I know it. I go over.
OM is outside with police. All his crap is on the porch. I go inside and ask STBX what happened. Apparently she ended things w/OM and he didn't take it well. Threatened suicide. Started waving a knife around. She called me and the cops.
She tells me she's been desperately missing me, but has been too scared and embarrassed to ask me to come back. She knows she messed up the best thing she's ever had. Wrote the person that married us an email saying how she is devastated by guilt and regret. She's started attending religious services. She doesn't care about any of the things she was upset about in the R before. Nothing is worse than a life without me. Asks me to spend the night.
ML x 2.
Told her that I make no guarantees about anything. Told her I've been seeing someone. Told her that I don't know if I am willing to break it off immediately. She begs and pleads just like I did after D-Day
I told her this: if she sends a NC text message to OM immediately, this second, then I will allow her to come to my next IC. That's it. No other guarantees or promises.
She sends a message, with no questions asked as I dictate it to her. Something to the tune of "I will not be contacting you and you may not contact me via any means. I am recommitting to my marriage."
She has painted the house all in the color palette I wanted, instead of the one she wanted.
I tell her that the next step, if I decide to take it will be complete and total transparency.
She has an interview for a new job, and leaves for it.
I go home. On the way I call my mother. Tell her that STBX wants to reconcile. Immediate NO! NO! She'll do this to you again!!!
Had date w/ G for tonight. Cancelled it, and told her the gist of what was going on.
That is an amazing turn of events. Good news! Now take things very slowly and cautiously. Good luck.
I don't know how good it is.
I'm the second choice for a liar.
Don't think about it that way. YOu are her H. plain and simple.
To warn you though, it's not uncommon for there to be false R. Talk to your C immediately about what steps you should take. Be cautiously optimistic.
This is what is going to happen. She's going to serve you hand and foot and it will seem like a second honeymoon. Within a week or two, you'll see her pull back. That's why this time period is VERY crucial to see if your M will survive. Don't give her everything. She has to continue to work towards your M.
IC says I'm being manipulated and gaslit.
She's going to get very little except a lot of hoops to jump through. I won't let this be easy for her. I'm more concerned with making sure she means it than I am about keeping her attracted to me.
Yes, I am aware that this attitude is likely to keep her attracted to me. Not my problem.
I have asked her to send me an email that states she is actively seeking reconciliation, and has explicitly invited me back into her life, the house, and her bed.
I told her that this will make me feel more secure that none of this is going to bite me in the ass legally.
She sent the email immediately.
Read Surviving the Affair or Not Just Friends. YOU need the guidance now more than ever to know what steps to take. Don't leave it on your own.
Are these books or articles?
Is there a good book for deciding if the marriage is worth saving?
Those are books.
Only YOU can decide if the marriage is worth saving.
Those books may help you make your decision. Either way, it will be alot of work and a very rocky road. But it can be done.
I had a former coworker get divorced, leave the newspaper and go back to law school in Iowa. The ex moved to Iowa as well because they had a special needs child and needed each other to raise the kid.
About six months after the D was final he started dating someone and then all of a sudden the ex wanted to start dating again.
They got back together, moved back in with each other and he was my hope for a long time. But six months together and he moved back out.
He said there were just things they didn't like about each other and he wished he hadn't done it because he had to go through the pain all over again.
That's a tough story ... but I think most of the LBSs on the board would give it a shot. I know I wouldn't slam the door on STBXW ... but I'd go really slow too.
I am not slamming the door, but it may be time to close it gently.
I'm just thinking about this right now. Not making decisions.
The book, Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay should help you make some decisions about which path to take.
I've been divorced almost a year; he left in May of 2009. If you get involved with any girl right now it will simply be a rebound relationship and few of those ever last. IMO, face this alone, feel all the emotions and let time do its healing. Involving yourself with anyone else is just a "band aid" to not face the pain and reality. Not fair to you or her.
Well, I guess I need this moved again....
Well, I never expected to be here. She's back and begging me to stay. She broke down yesterday in a way I'd never seen before when I said that maybe we should continue with the divorce and remarry if thats what we want.
I don't know if she was manipulating me or not, but it sure fired all my protector instincts.
Well, she continues to do and say the right things, and wants to move into recovery fast.
No way. She doesn't get to move into recovery fast. I'm not setting myself up for another DDay this soon after surviving the first one.
She's desperate and looking to cling onto someone. I won't be her safety net, her plan b.
Saw her again today. She's almost where I was on DDay. Begging and crying... telling me everything I want to hear... it's wild.
And considering I was just there recently, all my empathy buzzers go off...
I'm glad to hear that your wife has changed her mind. i know that it is hard to trust someone who hurt you so much. A lot of people say that people can't change. But I know they can.....if they really want to. You and your wife could benefit a lot from going to a Retrouvaille weekend. Check the website,
www.helpourmarriage.org for information on the program and the dates and locations of upcoming weekends. The weekend would give both of you a lot of time to think deeply about your marriage and your lives and what you really want. It is sort of a 48 hour meditation on love, marriage, human relations, and how to talk to each other.
I highly recommend it. My H and I went 3 years ago, and it changed our lives forever.
Lotus,
Thanks for the encouragement. I've heard great things about Retrouvaille, but it seems very Christian oriented. While faith plays a part in both of our lives, that faith is not Christian, and I believe we would be uncomfortable with that aspect.
While it's run by the Christians, the themes are not religious. Rather than not considering it outright, why don't you call them and find out first. A M is a M no matter what denomination.