Well, here I am in Piecing - not sure if I belong

Well W had moved in, closed the lease and sold her stove. 3 weeks here and then - boom - move to mothers place

.

Now, before we all go nuts, it may be a good thing as it caused some things to happen with in me. The last 2 weeks of her stay she was an emotional basket case being here. I guess I knew she wasn't ready as she drug her feet until she then -boom - moved in. I knew she hadn't taken the time to work on herself yet as I have been. The good news is that she realized that (finally!!) and is taking active steps towards getting herself emotionally stable. All of her stuff is still here. After a few days she did stabalize. She was a real mess - depressed as all get out and simply just a zombie.

She asked me to pick out 2 of the books from my arsenal and any other things I found benaficial to me for her to read and she has begun reading . She also went to the Dr. and picked up some medication. She is using this time away from me to educate herself as I have.

Today I was feeling that I couldn't take anymore. I actually felt OK if she said she couldn't come back - I even felt like I really don't care. This is good because for the first time I talked to her and told her that I'm tired of being the life of the party and the only one wanting this and that this time the ball is in her court and it's time for her to do the work. It was so easy to say because I actually felt that way.

Later she called me on the phone and I told her that this time not to come back because of me but because of her. It has to be because she wants it. I even said point blank - "If you come back because of me and not for yourself then don't even bother because I don't want you here because it will never work anyhow."

The thing is- I'm calm with this. I told her how I feel and I told her I'm tired of being the one doing all the work. If she wants this it is now her turn to figure out what she wants. I'm tired of writing the letters, reading the books, doing single counseling on my own - screw it!! I'm using the see-saw approach.

Now I do agree that she came back to soon. With this new approach, when she comes back this time, I will know she wants to honestly be here.

She did ask at one point if I was thinking divorce and I did tell her "Honestly, it did go through my mind a couple of times today and I was OK with it." It was now her turn to stare at the walls. I think she realizes that she's been jsut coasting and not really addressing things with herself. It was like one of those things where someone won't make the changes until forced to do so (Like us??). I told her that I'm tired of hoping then getting drop kicked again. Quite frankly it's getting old and she better figure out what she wants and take steps to get there or - I will.

Quite honestly, I somehow think it needed to be said and I do think our marriage will still work out (it's that little voice). I think and feel that it was the kick in the butt that she needed to let her know it's her turn.

Love ya all and Gode bless you and yours.

Nathan, big cyberhugs!!!!! But now easy does it. We all warned you of the bumps, BIG bumps in the road. She went to Retrovaille with you right? Well, from everything I've heard that can be pretty darn intense. She only went as far as her mother's too. Not getting her own place...not going to OM.
Yes!!! You definitely belong here in Piecing. So don't leave us. There is Piecing that is going on. Let her read. Let her get some help.
Also be careful that you only feel detachment, as it sounds like you are moving into withdrawal instead (thinking about a D, getting resentful of doing all the work-- and you have a right to feel resentful, but don't, quite a useless emotion).
Take a couple of days to focus on yourself and regroup. If you are truly done, then we will support you. But you are still just starting this journey-- you have begun a new stretch. Hang in there! My H has been home for almost 5 months. Still says the "feelings" aren't there and that he thinks our situation is terminal. He has just now agreed to go to counseling. I am also sick and tired of being the only one who is trying and putting forth everything, but I am not done yet, and I seriousily doubt you are either.
I'll look for you soon!!! TAKE CARE!!!

Nathan I am so sorry to hear about your bumps in the road. I believe you are both right in that your W is at a different place on her journey and needs time to catch up to you. Are you attending the Retrouvaille followups? For more support you could call on one of the couples who presented during your weekend. Hang in there buddy.

Nathan,

Speaking of Retrouvaille... How was it?

Are you going to the follow ups? That is IMPERATIVE to this process. One weekend is NOT enough to fix the kinds of problems that bring us to this site.

Nathan, I posted an update on my Retrouvaille thread.

Did you attend all your follow ups? If not... make them up at the next session. It is really important!

Keep dialoguing. Retrouvaille is a process...not a quick fix. It takes a lot of hard work and patience. Don't give up!

Even if your wife won't dialogue, do a "positive" dialogue to give to her as a gift. Don't focus on the negative until she is ready. Use your skills you learned every day. Focus on feelings Nathan!

Nathan ... a toast of both brew and a shot of Glenlivet to you!! tom

Hey everyone - I'm fine, really. I sort of have a good feeling about this move out - odd huh?
She was simply a basket case. I think the one good thing is is that her stuff IS here and it would be easier to make this work than to find another place and move it all again. I seriously think she has realized that she needs to take a good look at herself and realize that she could lose me! I beleive in her mind she is taking the steps needed to get herself stable and face her problems head on and deal with them. Up to this point she was to indicisive.

I'm not done and I know it - I'm just more comfortable with who I am and what I want. I actually feel OK with this all.

At some point she needs to decide that she's going to recommit. She is just still to tied to OM right now to be close to me. Not that she's seeing him or anything (that I can tell). That is why Retrovialle was to soon for us. When they say 3rd parties need to be gone - I now understand why. The thing is, I didn't realize how emotionally attached she still was. Physical contact is one thing - but after that, time for the emotional stuff needs to wear off to. I was concerned with this going into Retrouvialle and I should've addressed the issue but I left that up to her and she not only did us a diservice, but also the Retrouvialle folks.

I did get some good supporters from Retrouville. I have emailed one presenter who made it through the similiar hell that we're all going through and he helped me with what to expect. (Their doing well now)!!
I also was able to call one of the other presenters and he got me through the crisis ( I even called him at 2am the night she pulled away and slept on the couch and said some things that REALLY cut to the bone. I broke and had to leave. I left and sat in front of the church and talked to him for 2 hours on my cell phone) He told me she's not ready and under the cercumstances, she should be seeing a counselor. He told me to be prepared for her to leave. Two days later, she did.

The Retrouvialle is intense and a GREAT experience. But the 3rdd party thing is for real for the program requires BOTH couples full attention and energy to at least heave the ABILITY to be focused on them exclusively.

We went to the 1st post but when the 2nd one came she said she wasn't strong enough to attend. I felt for her and stayed to. When I talked to the presentor - he told me to get my a$$ to the next one regardless of her and that I simply feel right into her trap by not attending. The fact that she said she would feel like an a$$ if I went without her was her problem - not mine. He is direct and to the point - I like him. He doesn't pull any punches. I did attend the 3rd post and I'm glad I did. I recorded it for her if she cares to listen. I listened to it again as it was so uplifting and gave me so much insight to myself as to who I am.

No, we stopped dialoguing. I was and it got to the point she felt to pressured to perform so to speak. She has however said that she is more stable now and wants to start again. I have been doing some dialoguing to myself and it is helpful. I leave it in a place where she is free to read it if she likes. The basic idea is that she receives no pressure from me giving it to her. I have let her know she is free to pick it up and read it. I also am following the guidance of the presentors here on how to handle this. They are good and seem like family.

She did mention that she realizes that she really doesn't need old OM like she thought she did. So I'm hoping that the withdrawals are subsiding.

I did ask at the last one about what to do about missed posts. They said that we could make them up after the next one. I really would like to. I do think that W will attend the next one.

As far as associations, hows this.
I felt that when she was here it was like tending to someone with anerexia. All they need to do is eat to get better. However, the patient can't understand it - and neither can those around you. You can't do anything for them to help-- you just watch. That is how I felt when she was here. I wanted to make her feel better as she was so miserable but there wasn't anything I could do - it's something she needs to do.
I finally realized that and FELT it.

I somehow KNOW this will all work out. I have faith that God will be there and see to it.

Tonight I gave her the printouts from Michele's board. "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself", "Why should I be the one to change", "WAW", and the others she has posted there. She was very receptive. When I went to leave I simply got up and said "Well, I'll see ya later." and started walking to the door. She said "It's OK to give me a hug" to which I said "It works both ways". She then came up to me and I stared straight into her eyes with that "I'm going to kiss you look" and even started to draw close but then stopped and just gave the hug. I then went to pull away and she wouldn't let go. So I think we are still dancing - it's just that I feel like I'm the one leading now.

I know I didn't address everyone individually but I think I answered everyone.

Good luck and God bless you and your families as your all in my prayers.

Nathan,

Just got up to do a little writing ... saw your post and just plain felt good deep inside. I sure am happy for the direction your relationship is taking. God bless you .... Keep your center centered and expect all to work out in (not too much) time.

Congradulations Big Time! Think I'll go down to a corner pub tomorrow night ... order up a couple of brews (notice ... no Glenlevit) and toast ya.

You are in my prayers ... Good luck and God bless you and your family.

Tom

Nathan,

I think it's great that you are seeking assistance from the Retrouvaille presenters. Keep it up! Keep attending the posts on your own. Keep recording them. I know it will be hard, but it will be good for you to learn the things they have to teach.

Nathan,

I guess I need to think about moving to this board. You have a lot of experience to share. I am praying for you in your stand. I agree the 3rd party should be gone. My H and I had agreed to this, but I'm not sure she is really gone.

Do they all think we 'betrayed' are the real problems, and that they are completely justified in their 'search and rescue' of those out looking?

I was encouraged that your W asked for some of the things you had been reading, etc.

As for whether or not you belong, I would think so. It sounds like there are 'pieces' shuffling around trying to find their fit.

Hang in there.

Stand firm!! We're with you.

Committed

I now do beleive I beelong here.
Things have been going rather well.
W is now back home and doing better this time around. I have been incredibly supportive to the point it about kills me. The worst is when she is so depressed that sh doesn't know what to do with herself. I here that this is normal and part of the re-adjustment and withdrawal phase. I also read about it in Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Afair" where the spouse will only want to sleep and mope around.
For her part, she is managing a lot better.
It's just hard because I want to help but there's little one can do. She understands this and is putting forth a real effort.
She talks of things for us to do in the future together and building our lives together but I also now know that talk is cheap.

No, I do not agree that an affair is justified. But, I also beleive in forgiveness. I have come to accept that there is nothing that I or her can do to undo what has happened though. So the options are - we either live with it and deal with it appropriatly (what ever that may be) or go our seperate ways. I have come to accept that my W is human. We have discussed some of this and the hows and whys of it. I think for the most part the OM is wearing off into a memory. There was actually an instance where they happened to see each other and he was trying to accuse me of some things she said. It upset her (YEA) in the fact that she thought she had dealt with it already and he brought it up again. In the end, it was as if he was trying to belittle me. Maybe in an effort to get her to leave. Anyhow, it was a chance meeting and he didn't fair well.

We relize we have a ways to go. I have heard it takes close to 2 years to rebuild.

I will try to get back here when possible and I will keep everyone here in prayer.

Bottom-line CONGRADULATIONS BUDDY. Know you have a long way to go, but its moving in the right direction for you. My prayers and hopes are with you big time ... make that BIG TIME.

Very happy for you Nathan .. why don't you leave this board alone for a while and just focus on taking care of business at home. I know that will require just about all of your attention if you're going to do everything the way it needs to be done.

Tom

I don't get out here much.
Just thought I'd drop a line here real quick.
Things are progressing. Still no ILU's from her but I feel they will come in time.
Our 8yr anniv. is Aug 14. We are taking a trip to Niagra Falls for a few days that week. We both have that full week off.

Thanks for the support Tom. You're right, this (my marriage) is consuming large amounts of time but I'm not complaining. I don't get out here much.
Gotta go.

nathan
Good Luck! I hope your trip goes well!
lisa