A new begining...... - DivorceBusting.com

Thank you for all of the responses to my questions.

I am enjoying this part much more then the nasty other parts but it is all still so new and in some ways it feels almost like dating again and being in a new relationship but with that comfortable feeling.

I am trying hard not to allow my thoughts to overtake my common sense and stay focused on the actual issues not the what ifs.

I have been reading a couple of books that have been helping me to stay on track.

My H has been very supportive especially int he case of my dysfunctional relationship with my Mother. He has been listening to me and that means more to me then anything.

For the years of his MLC I could not share anything with him as he either didn't care to hear it or want to hear it. So I am feeling that I am getting my best friend back as well as my lover.

He continues to keep making plans for the future and I still have zero expectations but make a point to be happy and sound encouraging.

At the end of the day I am glad I made the choice to stand for my marriage. The man that has returned to me is becoming the new and improved model..I like that!!

He continues to keep making plans for the future and I still have zero expectations but make a point to be happy and sound encouraging.

WOW! That is exactly how I am feeling. My H has been "recommitted" for almost 2 months, but I am still nervous. He doesn't want to talk about what happened so I have unanswered questions that I keep to myself.

It sounds like you are able to talk to your H. You mentioned reading has helped......any particular books?

Matilda

Hello Matilda...
Yes this piecing stuff really is a whole new ball game but at least it is positive stuff and no more of the negative stuff like before.

I am actually reading a book about forgivness for various reasons and so far it is helpful.

It is called "How can I forgive you?" by Janis Abrahms Spring.

I am also reading "The proper caring and feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura.

I actually asked my H about some of the things in the book as I was curious as to his opinion, and we had a nice chat about it.

Sad thing was I bought this book several years ago and didn't take it too seriously then. I wish I had put as much effort into our marriage when things were good rather then waiting until they hit rock bottom.

I guess as long as we learn from our mistakes and stop making the same ones we are doing OK.

Thanks for the book names. I bought After the Affair also by Spring but I haven't found time to read it yet, but I heard it was good. Overall things are great at home, but I'm worried about getting back into a rut. I have to figure out my part to change that.
Matilda

H BND,
Just checking in on you. HUGS

Today my Husband thanked me for being patient for so long.
He thanked me for making the positive changes in my life.
He said he needs to make more changes.
He said he was proud of who I have become.
He also told me that he has a really hard time keeping his hands off of me now and thinks I am hot

Wow...
This is such a switch!!

I'm so glad to hear things are going well! That's soooo awesome and it's helpful to hear positive things like this.

I want to thank you for sharing that book. I'm going to go pick it up. I did find a book on Trust (which covers trust in a general sense). I can't necessarily recommend it, but I think it's helpful during this piecing time to read a lot. I think it can help keep things on track. Right now I'm kind of struggling with some stuff , but hopefully some books and appointments with the therapist can help me.

You take care and keep up the PMA

I am sure that there are many of you who have been on a cruise.
I have never been on one.
I need help!!
What type of cabin do I want to stay away from?
Are there some cruise lines to avoid?
When is the best time to go?
When is the worst?

Thanks so much in advance for your help!!

I used to go on a cruise every year with H's family.
They are wonderful and stress free.
You are going to have a great time.
I think the best time to go is Nov-April.
Carnival cruises are always fun. Norwegian are usually for an older retired crowd.
I think an inside cabin is not so great because ther are no windows/balcany and you feel so closed in.
Try to get a cabin close to eveything.
You will have to probably dress formal two nights --so get a couple of sexy elegant dresses/outfits.

BND...Never posted to you before but I am glad to see that you and your H have finally made it. I know there is still work to do but it does look very promising. It is great to hear success stories like yours. It inspires me to keep going.

I wanted to read your thread while on MLC forum but I can't seem to find it. I would like to read up on your to travelled through this journey. Can you post a link to your thread on my thread (link below).

As for the cruise. I went on a Royal Caribbean cruise in the month of October and it was simply amazing. Being a non-swimmer, I was afraid but it was the most amazing experience I had. H and I were in a cable with a balcony which was great. At night, I would sit on the balcony in the dark still waters and read a book. It was my only cruise so I don't know how others are but the Royal Caribbean was amazing. You will love it for sure.

I have added you to my fav so that I can continue to follow your situation as it is inspiring.

Thread #3

Ok
I have been to all parts of the carribean..
Western carribean - Cozumel, Grand Cayman,Jamacia was the best!It as just so much fun.Ocho Rios in Jamacia-very romantic.
I have been to Puerto Rico, Belize -that was beautiful.
Mexico was O.K. but you still have fun.
I , honestly, enjoyed every cruise. I would love to go back to the places I named above. Espeacially,the western Carribean.
I live in Florida so mostly all the cruise I went on were in the carribean.

I have no idea as to where we are going, he is doing the planning.
I am just trying to be patient!!

It doesn't matter wher you go..you are going to have a wonderful time with your H!
YIPEE!!!!

hey hun, congrats on the move....
she needs a kick in the @$$

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1274981&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1

Hi BND,
Oh, you are just so lucky! - Have a wonderful week-end. HUGS

I have to learn to say NO!!

This morning I made 18 macho breakfast burritos for a mens Church breakfast.
Yesterday I made a dozen sweet potato pies for a Church Thanksgiving thing and signed up to organize and do the cooking for an Agape Feast next month.

Again I am overextended.

This was a bad habit in the past.

I like doing things but I can't seem to find a balance.
Part of the problem is that I was alone for 2 years and am trying to keep myself busy.

I get so fed up doing the same mundane routine day after day.
I can't get a job as I have no childcare for my youngest.

I know this is just a season in my life but I am going stir crazy.

My H will be home again in a few days. We are going to pick out paint and redo the house.
All new colors.
I am excited about that.
I am excited that we are redoing "our" bedroom.

I am excited that he will be home for good soon and the visits will come to an end.

I am trying so damn hard to be patient and not nag or complain.

So I am venting here.......

OK here I am again...
I wrote my H an email yesterday and since coming out of his MLC he has pretty low self esteem, I think alot of it may be guilt and shame over his actions over the past few years.

I am going to post the email and his response.
I want those who have been following my story to see the HUGE difference of his words now and how much change he has made for the better.

Dear Husband
I was thinking about our conversation this morning.
The one with me encouraging you and you not accepting my words as they are.

I can not make you believe anything I tell you, I guess it is whatever is in your own head that you choose to believe, that makes you what and who you are.

I do get frustrated. I want to see you succeed. I want to see you excited about the future and I want to see you shine. I see before me a very handsome and attractive and brilliant man who doesn't know how to tap into that part of his life.

I see so many positives that definately outweigh the negatives and by your own admission, the words of a stranger carry more weight to you when it comes to receiving compliments.

I understood what you meant by that comment and I know it was no reflection on me but in the same way I need you to know that the things I say to you are words from the heart. I do not throw out those words in order to flatter you, I say them with sincerity. Your attitude makes me feel as though I am second best again, and my words carry no weight.

Learning how to see the positives in you is something that I have learned to do, something I neglected to do for a long time. Maybe the next time I tell you that I find you incredibly sexy and desirable, or let you know what an amazing writer you are, don't brush me off, say thank you, and go look in the mirror and say, she is right.

Enjoy the fact that you have someone in your life who feels this way about you. Relish in the compliments and the unquenchable desire she has for your body. Graciously receive the words she says when she tells you that you are a brilliant and talented man. Try to allow yourself to believe that what she is telling you is the truth and maybe then you may begin to believe it too.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

His reply:

You are not second best.

You are the first person I think about when I wake up and the last one I think about before I go to sleep.

Your words are important.

I am trying to feel better about a compliment, too.

Thanks for sharing. That means a lot to me, too.

........................

Finally....we are communicating better!!!

Oh BND! I am so happy for you! Your patience has paid off. Again, you are an inspiration to me! I just hope I can be strong like you and hold out long enough like you had. Good things come to those who wait!

BND,

That email exchange was just wonderful. How hopeful to see two people actually learning, together, to do it better.

Hugs.
AH

Keep showing us the way BND.

This is going to get confusing confused65 just changed thier name to Brand new day!

WHY!!!

Just wanted to say hi and i think your H is in town..I know you are having a great tome!!!!

I think I am frustrated and hormonal.

Trying to piece this marriage together long distance is so hard.
Having a phone relationship with my Husband is trying.

Please don't get me wrong.
We talk for hours each day.

It isn't that I am ungrateful for the efforts he is making.

It is the daily grind of still doing everything alone and taking care of the kids and the house and feeling very unfulfilled.

I want to go back to work or school.
I want something for myself.
I want some financial independence, I don't like being at his mercy for everything.

Unfortunately I can not put my S5 in school until H is actually home because of the hours and the childcare arrangements.

I spoke to my H today.
I told him that I felt depressed and he wanted me to talk to him about it.

Yes he listened but he tried to solve the problem for me and he told me that I need to basically pull myself up from this and be grateful for the things I do have.

Maybe he feels somewhat guilty because of the situation I am in and for now he can't do anything.

But I came away feeling like a child and I don't feel understood.I want my feelings validated. I want him to see that I am lonley and I am tried of being the strong one all of the time.

I know that he is trying to sort things out with his job situation so he can be home permanently.

I have been patient for so long now and I just want it all NOW!!

I know I sound unreasonable and stupid.

He will be here in a few days and I am happy about that but then he will have to leave again and might not be able to make it for Christmas as his goal is to be back in the begining of January for good.

So I suppose the grown up thing to be doing right now is to focus on the positives and stop dwelling on so many negatives.

So somebody slap me and tell me what to do

Hi BND,
I am going to slap your wrist!! - Please take it slowly and try not to get your feellings validated YET!! You have worked so hard and got so far by working at yourself. BE PATIENT!! - There will come the day when you can share all your problems with H, but I think it is too early now!

I know how you must feel dealing with everything on your own and how frustrated you must be. I am thinking of you. HUGS

I read that book, and yes I understand.
I have the respect part down pat.
He told me he feels respected and loved by me.
I guess I am impatient, because I want to feel that way too.
I should know better, I have been on this journey for years.
I have to go back to zero expectations.
I need a latte...extra whipped cream.
CHOCOLATE!!
A cigarette.
He called me a little while ago.
He was very sweet and was trying to make me laugh.
I know he loves me.
I also know we are rebuilding and we are both afraid.
I also know once he is really home I will feel much better.

Warm thoughts to you. You've weathered so much, this is just a little storm on the way to safe harbor. Good luck. Julie

BND,

After 2 years of separation! What a miracle. I just keep making the same bad mistakes. How did you do it for 2 years!

Hey BND,

Just hang in there!!!! I know I want to take a class too and start doing even more for me (now that I'm not single and living the crazy single lifetyle as my 180!). I'm thinking I might try taking Spanish one night a week through the city parks and rec. (no grades so I don't have to worry if I miss one or two classes!).

In the meantime chocolate's pretty good. If you have a See's Candy that's a great place to start!

I LOVE See's.
I asked my H to bring me a BIG box of Dark chocolate nuts and chews.
My H called me a couple of times today to tell me how excited he is to be coming home.
These are the things I need to dwell on...that and waking up with him next to me each morning.
I have to be more positive ...
Gotta go and heat up the wax and take care of business

Only a couple more days...I am so excited!!!
The kids are going nuts!
I am so looking forward to seeing my Husband.
I like this feeling, I used to dread his visits.
I think the best part is actually hearing that he misses me and how happy he is to be coming home again.
Focusing on the positives!!!

I am so happy for you BND! You deserve it. You give me such hope that things will turn around for me too.

Hi BND,
I can imagine how excited you are. Yes, just focus on the posives. Have a lovely week-end. HUGS

I am so excited for you!! Hope you are having a great weekend

hi bnd WOW I THINK I remember you! you would not know me cause i hardly ever posted but got the bomb 2/05, been seperated since 9/05..anyway long story but somewhere around spring summer 05 i started reading the boards and did pretty often until maybe awhile ago, cant remember (ha) anyway did your old name of "faith" in it?? If you are who I think you are i remember reading about your H's actions and the way he thought of you and spoke to you and his anger and its hard to belive they ever come out of that. My H has had the same anger and truthfully I know I am so far from perfecttt but I had been a good wife, all of this has been so shocking..I have seen my H so lost and confused..I am noticing the anger coming up more with him again and we had one conversation the other day that I just went away thinking if thats how he thinks of me, its like what he has to belive to leave...anway enough about my sitch..the part i never read about your sitch if you are who I think you are is what turned it around what made him decide he wanted you and his family back, how did the whole thing turn around??

Yes, it is me!!

I have no idea what made him turn around.
I only know that it was "suddenly" and nothing I expected.

Perhaps it was just that part in the long MLC tunnel and he finally got to see daylight.

I am now doing the other part.. the piecing and sometimes it is just as hard.

Hi BND, Really happy for you that your H is coming home in 2 days. This is so wonderful. If you have hung in there fo so long to get him home, you can surely do this piecing part just as well, if not even better. I hope to get to where you are now someday too. Reading your posts reminds that it's worth giving a try, my best try.

hI bnd That is really cool, it seems I remember him writing you this really awful email with so much projection in it..but it was crushing and I just remembered thinking wow these guys are just nuts i cant belive this really happens I thought people who got D or seperated must really have issues before....anyway on the turn around did he email you or tell you on the phone? It was sudden like one day he was being a jerk the next day he was like I dont know what I am doing I want you back? Please share thanks so much and praying for you and your family ...all the best

I think my H suddenly realized that he had no idea anymore as to what he was doing, or what the hell had happened to him.
He also saw very clearly as to who and what he had become.
As the depression began to get better he could see things more clearly.
He mentioned causally one day that maybe things would be better if he could just come home instead of me and the kids relocating.
I told him that it was his choice, and to really think about what it was that he wanted.
A couple of days later he said he was sure that he wanted and needed to be home with his family.
So now we are dealing with the work situation which should all be sorted out soon enough.
Grace, I think he wrote me over 50 ugly emails.
He was so deep in that depression and he doesn't remember much except for this really oppressive dark feeling.

BND...You wonder why the last two years had to happen but know that you have grown and your M will be better for it. Your love, support and patience has finally paid off.

Thread #4 - Life without H - cont'd

Very excited this morning.
The kids and I are off to go and pick up H at the airport and then to pick up the older 2 at University.
We are going to have such a great week!!
Wishing you all a fantastic Thanksgiving!!!

Have a wonderful blessed Thanksgiving!!!!

Hi BND, A Very Happy Thanksgiving. Definitely a great deal to be thankful for... Thank you for the warm wish. I am sure you'll have a wonderful week.

~PH

You lucky devil. You deserve all the happiness after all your hard work!

BND- I can't wait to here how your Thanksgiving went! Hope it's awesome, you deserve it!

Hi BND,
Good luck and have a lovely and happy time with your H and family.

Thank you for your support and encouragement. Wishing you all the best and a super holiday season. Take care. HUGS

Hi BND!

Congrats on finally seeing some light at the end of a very long tunnel - yor made it thru with perseverence and here you are! That is absolutely wonderful!

I would love to read your "begining" posts - your situation sounds a lot like mine...What was your name before you changed it?

Thanks and again, congrats!

Deb

Wow!!!! I'm soooooo happy for you and your family. What a wonderful Thanksgiving!!! I hope you get lots of photos with plenty of hugs and kisses. This will be something special to remember when you are both old and grey sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch.

I am so stinkin happy for you!!!! You have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving as well your husband does for having such a loving wife who stood by him when not many would have!!!

BND,

I'm sure you're having a wonderful weekend, as you so richly deserve! I hope that H is treating you like a queen!

I want to thank you for your recommendation of "The Solo Partner." I received it a couple of weeks ago, and I flipped through it right away. However, I thought I would give myself a break from R stuff and look at me stuff. Anyway, I picked it up again last night and read about pursuit and distance--what a revelation! I was the classic pursuer. When I looked at the characteristics of the Pursuer, there were very few that didn't fit me. And guess who I married? Yup, a Distancer.

This has given me some insight into what I need to do now:

1 - back off on contact again, incl responding to his contact. He knows I like and love him, so I'm not afraid of sending the wrong message. It might just shake him up a little.

2 - Look at the Pursuer list again, and see in which ways I am still like that. I have grown and changed a lot, but I must resolve this before I start a new R, be it with H or anyone else.

Thanks so much,
Nicola

I am so glad you like the book, it really helped me ALOT!!!
I do think the DBing and the lessons we are learning are things that we will refine over time.

It is hard to sometimes see our behavior as something that needs to change and not justify it...just accept that changes need to be made.

That was a huge stumbling block for me, not to look at the crap my H was doing and just work on myself...bleh!

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, the whole family together and just having normalcy

Finally my H told the kids he is ready to be home and will be back soon, permanently.
I haven't told them anything, just in case!
So I was thrilled that he felt "safe" enough to really follow through with this move.

I am busy painting the house, we chose new colors together and will be redoing most of the rooms.
I am really looking forward to changing the bedroom and making it new again.

My Husband was wonderful during his week at home and we spent alot of time just being together and enjoying one another.

I was able to surprise him and do some 180's in the bedroom, which he was pretty happy with.
I am learning to just enjoy my time with him and stop being so afraid to let down my guard.

Thanks you for all of the wonderful posts on my thread, I so appreciate knowing how much support I have from you guys on the board.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to win the lottery and be able to afford to pay for everyone on this board to go on a cruise together.....sigh.....money changes everything!

Hi BND, So happy for you that he's made it official to the kids. Actually, I thought he was coming home permanently last week.

Good job with the bedroom 180s and just being able to relax while with him instead of stressing about it. Well, thanks for you for all your support. Have fun with the painting an getting the house ready. When is he moving back for good? ~PH

I am so happy for you that things are going well, you deserve it!

brandnewday, Im very happy for you and your family. The kids must be thrilled. Can you visit my post and give me your insight please?
I am at a bad point right now.BAAAAADDD!!!!

BND:

I am so very happy for you. Look forward and let's hope that it will be a new beginning for all of you.

My H returned home once. It was at Christmas time 5 years ago. I was sure my divorce was busted. Unfortunately, it didn't last BUT...

The reason I am telling you this is not to bring you down, but to tell you what I did wrong so maybe you won't make the same mistake.

When H had been home 6 days, I started to let my guard down. I was sure we were past OW, and all the crap of our separation. I needed some answers. And I asked. And it was a huge mistake. He was not out of his MLC at all. He resented my asking. He ran to OW who of course showered him with love and praise and didn't ask questions.

Would he have stayed? Would he have left anyway? I have no way of knowing. And everyone's situation is NOT the same.

But I wanted to share this with you because I want this to be a success story for you and your family. So don't ask a lot of questions. Not now, anyway.

Take care,

Barb

Barbiedoll, Thanks for sharing your story. It will help me keep this in mind if I ever get to that point in my situation. And even to ensure I have a better chance of getting htere, I will try not to ask questions. ~PH

Just reading a little about your sitch. I am really glad you are sharing your positive story here. It's great to read about success!

As for Barbie's story, I agree, one thing that I have come to believe in my own sitch is that if there ever comes a time when I "let my guard down" or just stop working and begin coasting again, I am sure to face all this crap again.

To me, working for your marriage is one of the strongest signs of love we can offer our spouses and it's a lack of work, in whatever part of the R we slacked off on that usually is at the root of all the problems.

Please, take care, keep up the GREAT posts, good news and happy marriage.

GH

Brilliant BND just brilliant

Thanks for checking in on me... and I'm glad things are going so well for you. You give me hope.

Your story is so amazing. What courage you display. 4 years, wow. Glad to see you had a good visit with your H and also family. Good Luck.

I have been busy painting and making the house pretty.
It looks lovely and the new colors we picked out work really well.

I have to keep reminding myself that he will be home soon and I have to stay positive.

It gets harder for me emotionally the first few days after his visits home because things are going so well and I want to stay on this track.

I get spoiled when he is here...waking up with him next to me, and him holding me all night, I just love that feeling, and I really don't like being alone.

Oh well, back to the painting...

Don't you worry Brandnewday. That day will come when he will ALWAYS be there. I am soo happy for you.

He WILL be home soon..no doubt about that.And you have plenty of time to finish painting

Yes,
I am happy today.

The painting looks great and I am really proud of myself.
I hope that I can get the rest of the decorating done.

I have asked for some ideas from some of my friends in MLC forum who are way better at this stuff then me.

My H said he is proud of me and can't believe all of the work I am doing to the house.

We were on the phone til midnight looking at places in Jamaica to visit. That was fun!!

I am trying to figure out when I am supposed to do Christmas shopping now that I have started this project.

Maybe I will do the online thing this year, it might be easier then trying to find a sitter for the 6 little ones.

Just rambling.....

you go girl!! good job.

I'm also eyeing the bathroom (hey, i start small) for a possible makeover.

I also do cherish the times my H is home and it feels so special

Hi BND, It is great to read your thread and see how well everything is going. I am so so happy for you and your family. I agree with Barbie Doll's earlier post, that you want to take it easy in the beginning, not too many questions, and just do fun things together. Let H take the lead a bit, for the pace of things. And when you are moving faster than H, go find some GAL activity for a break so that it is not all on H. I speak from experience that I overwhelmed my H. I was always up to something, and I slept a lot less than H too. We are just differently paced. So I have to give him space for his down time, and for his pace. I am learning that to the extreme right now, but I will never forget it

I am excited about your cruise plans. I have just been given the gift of a cruise by my birth mother. That will take some of the sting out of my separation days! I am going to Tahiti, Easter Island, Bora Bora, and the coast of Chile, leaving in March. I am so excited, this is something that I would not afford right now, and she is treating. It is wonderful to be treated. I feel that your H wants to treat you, to pamper you, to honor you. This is such a good thing. I hope you will get a new bathing suit and a trip to Victoria's Secret as part of your pre-trip planning. You (and your story) inspire me. I feel like if you can do it, I can do it. Thank you BND!

Thank you!!

It really is so wonderful to come here in the morning and find such encouraging posts.

I am really amazed (to quote Tennessee Williams) by the "kindness of strangers".

It is so true...
The love and support I have received here is so much more then I have received from close friends and family.

I wasn't joking when I posted earlier that I would love to have everyone get together and meet up for a few days.
It would be so nice to see the faces of the people who are so faithfully praying and supporting each one of us.

My Beloved has the flu and I told him that I wish he were home so I could make him chicken soup and take care of him.

Sometimes I believe that he does need to be away during difficult times just as a reminder that his place is at home with his family.

So, the employment arrangements are being set up and we will know soon when we will finally have a date. He is in the process of hiring and training people to take his place.

This was his dream job.
A job he had wanted for years.
I know he went about it the wrong way and I also know that it is very hard for him to give it up.
But he is doing this for the family and I appreciate it so much.
I have told him how much I respect him for having made this difficult decision.

He told me that it wasn't that hard, as he would rather be with me and the children, back in the cold weather over any job oportunity.

Yes, I was blessed by his words.
This was a huge milestone.

I am so glad that God made me wait for this man.

BND,

I, too, am a stander...standing in the gap for my marriage to be restored. This has been going on for about 4 years...officially D 1 year ago. Would you mind pooping on my thread and give me your perspective? I am going through a new part of this journey and I don't want to get lost in the circumstances...It's in the MLC forum...?about awekenings/reconnections.

Thank you
God Bless
Ashmo17 (Amy)

Hey BND, I know you must be still very busy painting and getting the house ready, and Christmas shopping. And you must be enjoying every minute of it. I sent you 2 emails (1 just now). Would you mind taking a look at them please? Thanks, PH

BND, Thanks for replying my email. I replied back with my number, if you have time to talk. (((BND))) ~PH

Well BND-

I have to thank you again. Thanks to you and your reading materials I see a whole new side of things I "refused" to see before. I have read "For Women Only" and am now halfway thru "The Proper Care and Feeding of your Husband" by Dr. Laura. Wow - she's brutal - but man, rightly so. I have been having a hard time blaming everything on mlc - tho I know that's part of who he is right now simply trying to find what place he wants to be in life. But it is so easy to see why he would have left me to look for the real dream person. It makes so much sense.

And as I've changed over the last several months - he spends more and more time with me - tho I think he's cautiously optimistic.

I just wanted to say thank you. This learning experience has been great. And that's coming from a 54 year old. We are never too old to learn. And I am so grateful that it "seems" like he is giving me a chance to really try again - tho he's not home - he sure is here a good bit of a week now - not to mention me going to his place.

So many things to learn. So little time...........but life can be grand if we focus on the positive and keep our heads up and learn humility at the same time.

God is sooooooooo good. I wasn't going to bother with a tree and stuff this year - but yesterday I got it in my head - "hey, look at all the amazing things that Jesus has done for you - don't you want to celebrate because of Him?" Well yes I do. And even if my H isn't home for Christmas is no reason to not have the homey appeal in the house for him when he's here. I am not mopey this Christmas. There are a myriad of reasons to celebrate. Just being alive and learning is reason enough.

thank you, friend, for sharing your story and your thots and your reading material. My life is so blessed thanks to dear people like you.

love,

brue

BND,

It's so great to "see" you in such good spirits. I bet those newly-painted bedroom walls are going to be shaking again very soon!!

I am having a hard time b/c my H told me just over a week ago that he thinks he is not made for a committed, long-term, monogamous R. He can't be emotionally open enough for that, and he doesn't think he can be faithful. As you know, I'm reading The Solo Partner, and I'm implementing some of the ideas, but it's hard to know if it's helping or pushing him away (pursuit/distance). If you have a few minutes, I'd really appreciate your input. The link to my thread is in my sig.

TIA and keep posting! I LOVE reading your positive posts.

Nicola

Hi Nicola, Have you also read "His Needs, Her Needs" or "Love & Respect" or "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", to possibly get some insight or ideas as to why he might be thinking/feeling this way? ~PH

BND -

I was just reading your response to me on my thread so thot I would answer you over here on yours. I've been a little anxious myself over wanting H to get his butt back home (cuz I truly believe he is headed this direction). I give myself the usual "be patient" and whatever else I need to do.

But church summed it up in a beautiful way for me this morning. I had never looked at it this way before. It is the first Sunday of Advent and we are in the "preparing" stages of getting ready for our Lord to come. It was spoken to us how important it is to be prepared.

It is that way in everything we do in life. It's best to be as prepared as we can be so we are not caught off-guard.

Every time something comes up that delays your H's homecoming just remind yourself that it is one more day you have to get prepared for his homecoming. I know it's one more day for the Lord to work on my heart for me to learn new things. I guess that's why I was so excited to write this morning to you - I just am seeing my whole life come together before my eyes - remembering how I've been in the past and honestly seeing how I contributed to the problem. This no longer makes the claim that it is all about him and what he wanted or wants - now I see how I helped to get us to this place.

I could only come over here to say this because I guarantee that none of my friends would see it. I am pretty mild mannered in about everything I do especially compared to many - but when I see my personality coming out in books as normal for women who drive away their spouses - I do sit up and take notice.

OMG - it IS sinking in to my soul. Each day deepens the healing and gets me more prepared for when he does have the courage to say "I'm coming home" for sure. Right now I know he's testing the waters. There's no question how I've changed. But I was like this, of course, before we married. So why will it be different now if he comes home? Because I have learned what insecurities I had within me that were totally uncalled for. This is a major growth for me. Only I know, deep inside, that I am ready to do this again (this marriage thing) because my heart has totally changed. He won't know that about me til he comes home.

So preparing is good BND - even if the delays are frustrating - you can get one more thing ready that will help make it the perfect homecoming.

brue

Hi BND,

I know it's hard sometimes not to doubt and be anxious but you have traveled a long path and accomplished soo much.

There is nothing negative to look at only a bright , beautiful future with your family.

Your husband loves you and WILL be home soon. There is no doubt about that.

You are doing great..You are in my prayers

So, I expressed some of my concerns to my Beloved and I got a nice email from him this morning.

I think I need to take some of my own advice and stop stressing myself out over things that I have no control over.

I do think that after MLC and all of the detaching and the other tools we have learned it is hard to just be "normal" again, at least at this stage of the game.

So here is the email:

"You surprised me. It is a side of you I enjoy and I want you to explore it more. It makes you more attractive to me. But, don't over analyze things. Stop comparing yourself to "what other women do or think." Just enjoy what you have for you. I am enjoying it.

Being vulnerable is part of the fun. Taking risks is part of the adventure. This is life and you have one opportunity to enjoy it. I don't think either of us have been enjoying it. I think much of my life has been about waiting for it to end... just getting through it.

For the first time I am enjoying the trip. And, we still have so much ground to cover and we can get there if we just enjoy the journey. The destination will take care of itself".

Hey BND... What a nice reassuring email from your H. No, you have nothing to worry about. Just enjoy your trip, as your H said. You deserve to enjoy it. Focus on the present moment. Enjoy it. If you worry about the future, you'll never be enjoying or be living in the present. ~PH

Hey BND,

Catching up per your request! Sorry I didn't follow your thread before, but now I am!

I think your story sounds great so far. Perhaps at some point you thought you were going to have to continue writing the next chapter by yourself. Cool thing is, you and your H are writing the next chapter now... Cool - very cool.

When we are hurt or left behind - it is easy to start second guessing everything. During your fun and exciting tenure as an LBS (

), you were trained to look for signs that your H would come back. Noticing things for what they were, what they seemed, or even looking at it from the opposite side. You learned a lot about yourself and how you contributed to any problems you may have had. You learned that you cannot control your H - that the only thing you can control is yourself.

As you move forward - this is no different. You still have to take care of yourself and realize you cannot control anyone other than you. Perhaps now you can recognize any early warning signs if you see yourself doing more of the same or if you sense problems arising. It is hard to forget that your H left....Time will heal this wound. But you can only control you. This includes controlling your own thoughts - not overanalyzing or stressing out. Our minds are such a wonderful thing - but they can also play tricks on us if we focus on something enough. Remember, the only way you will have a happy R with your H is if you are happy. You can't be happy if you are stressing out. So continue to focus on your happiness. I for one think you are doing outstanding!!!!

((((((((((((((BND))))))))))))))

God Bless,

Santhony

PS: I agree with Sherman about saying "I need you to listen to..." or "I need help with..." Remember your H may try to "fix" regardless. Maybe it is easier if you spell it out.

Wow! What a sweet message. It sounds like your husband has developed a lot of depth and understanding. He is definitely ready for piecing.

Not much to report, everything is status quo.

I have put up the tree, the kids decorated it.

We have to let the kids know that my H won't be home for Christmas

He is very upset about it as we have never been apart for the Holidays, even during the worst of times.

The cost of everything is just too much right now and airfares have doubled.

Anyone want to donate their frequent flier miles

So, I am putting on a happy face, and am trying not to get into a funk about this.

Back to painting....

Not much to report, everything is status quo.

I have put up the tree, the kids decorated it.

We have to let the kids know that my H won't be home for Christmas

So, I am putting on a happy face, and am trying not to get into a funk about this.

Back to painting....

That's sad BND but your children know he is coming home eventually b/c he told them so himself. I'd rather be in your place any day than mine right now (although I know you have been here too!)

Hi BND,

I am sorry your H will not be making it home for Christmas. I am sure that is a a little sad, but you are on such a good track right now, it really is OK in the big scheme of things. I am thinking, what can you do to make H included and feel special even though he can not be there in person? Can you make some digital photos of you and the kids around the tree and send them to him on Christmas? Or do one of those satellite phone calls where you can see the person while you talk? Or send him a really special package that he is to wait to open on Christmas day with all of you on the phone together? Something to support you all. And what is the official coming home for good and all day? That is something to look forward to!

I know you are probably sooooo busy with holidays and all your kids, but if you have a chance to check in on my sitch this month in particular, I'd really appreciate it. I am having a bout of "I don't know what the h*** I'm doing" and meanwhile H feels more distant and unpredictable than ever. So your thoughts and experience would really help me right now.

You are an inspiration BND. I am so excited for you. I hope this Christmas is the best year ever for you. And it is, truly. Your new R with your new and committed H. No matter where he is, you can feel that even through the ethers. What a blessing.

Hi BND,
I am sorry to hear that your H will not be home for Christmas. Make the most of it with your lovely kids. He will be there next Christmas for sure!
Thanks for visiting my thread, it meant a lot to me.
Take care and HUGS

Got some Christmas shopping done today.

I am desperately seeking a Krusty Krab cash register for my S5...ughhhhh!!!

My H put extra money into my account to buy the kids stuff, so that was a plus.

He called me this morning to thank me for taking care of the kids and all of their Dr appointments....we did 5 physicals this week...a total pain in the arse, but we are almost done and won't have to go back for a year.

So the kids know that Daddy will not be home for Christmas and they are not at all happy.

They just don't get it and after 2 years of him being gone I think they are just fed up.

I know this will be over soon and I am very grateful for that but sometimes I do feel resentful that it is always me who has to be all things to all people.

I am so tired of being the strong one and I am so tired of carrying all of the weight for my family. I guess I just need a break and some time to regroup.

B,
I posted over on mlc. Try www.toysrus.com. They have them and I believe they are within the price range you were seeking.

Click on this url it will take you to the screen you need: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2330869&cp

Hi BND... Sorry that you have so much to deal with - the kids being unhappy about your H's absence at Christmas and also your own unhappiness about that, plus all the shopping, doctor's visits, etc. You're doing well and it's nice that your H is showing appreciation for your work! I'm sure he'll more than make up for all this when he finally moves back permanently. I can see how you are there for so many people, including all of us on this BB. You're very much appreciated...

Hey BND!!!

What a bummer about your H. You and the kids have been so patient. And you are right - you have had to do sooooo much!!!

You really are a special person and deserve all of the love in the world - the same love that you extend to everyone else.

While your H may not be home for the holidays, I hope you are still able to share some good moments with him from afar.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

God Bless,

Santhony

So I have another strange question.

My Beloved called me today and told me how much he was thinking about me and we had a nice conversation.

Then...

He asks me something.
He wants to know if we can treat each other like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
I asked him what he meant.
He said that he likes the idea of our new relationship and the direction it is heading.
He likes all the newness and the excitement of it and wants us to keep this feeling.
That this was what our marriage was missing and now we have it back.
He also said I would always introduce you as my wife, but I want us to keep this excitement going.

So is this a good thing?
Or is this a MLC thing?

I am so confused, and I am just not used to positive things in my marriage anymore, as I still am counting babysteps.

So forgive me if I question everything that happens.

BND, you always give me such good advice, so I will try to give you my 2 cents.

First of all, I don't think it's a bad thing. He may just be scared to fall into a boring routine. You guys have been separated for 2 years. It could be fun rediscovering each other again.

Remember when you were dating, how you loved to find out new info about each other. Well he might be looking at it like that. You have changed and so has he. He is rediscovering you, and he may love that. Keep a little mystery about yourself. Don't lay all your cards out on the table for him to see. Give him one at a time.

Your H has proclaimed that he wants you. You are heading in the right direction. You and he have come so far, you can do this!

BND... For now, I would take it as a good thing. Look, he has opened up and shared with you some honest feelings about the marriage. Yes, these men are in MLC, they have some sort of depression...but there is a kernel of truth in what they are experiencing ( except it then gets distorted/delusional/wacky).

I'd validate his feelings and go have some fun! You need to build up the positives first.

Ultimately he will have to learn how to handle his mixed feelings ( and so will you, because there will be bad days). But it's easier to get through the yuck stuff when overall, there is spark ( and hope ) in the air.

BND,

I agree w/InHerJourney. At least your beloved has opened up somewhat w/you & is sharing some.

Will keep sending positve thoughts your way.

Hugs!

Hi BND,

I think your husband's comments to you are a VERY good thing! He doesn't want to fall into a rut again - Good! He wants to keep the R exciting, fun, fresh - good! I know I would prefer that too, and I'm not in MLC. You see those old couples holding hands and kissing, sparkles in their eyes. Don't you want that too when you are still together 40 years from now? Of course you do, but you're tired right now. Kids, doctors appts, Xmas shopping, bills to pay, house to run - geez!

So here's my assignment, for you to ponder: What would you need to have happening in your life, to be able to nurture that "sparky" feeling inside yourself and keep it fresh? Now that you are moving in a different (Yay!) direction in your M, you need NEW strategies. I know you have employed some of these (getting Brazilians is just one I know about!) But when you are tired and have too much on your plate it is hard to be creative. Your H is saying, let's keep our M creative. Let's invent new things, let's surprise each other. Let's take some risks! So two things: What strategies do you need to take on, to open up the space for you to have fun and be creative? And then, what creative things and new ideas and surprises do you want to throw in the mix? What would be fun for you to invent?

You are the best, BND. First thing you need, take a little time for yourself today. Pamper yourself, and also take a breather. Then everything will start opening up. There is nothing to fear. It's all good news! Rejoice. Sing a song. Dance. Take a long luxurious bath. Some things for you today, BND. And it will all fall into place.

Hugs to you

Dear BND,

I will throw in 100$ FOR THE AIRFARE, TO GET YOUR H HOME FOR CHRISTMAS....I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS. HOPING THERE ARE SOME OTHERS WITH A LITTLE LOOSE CHANGE TO CONTRIBUTE. .....FINALLY, A CHARITY WE ALL KNOW WE CAN TRUST--------RSVP-----

J-

I have to agree with everyone else BND. I think it's a good thing he has brot up to you. As I am reading now the "proper care and feeding of husbands" - I think that's all this is about. Re-read some of it. We have to keep things fresh, fun, full of love - no matter what else is going on in our lives. The most important unit is the marriage unit - and when it's failing - then the rest of the family unit fails.

don't worry and have fun with this. Your H will be the envy of every Husband out there. He will be beaming with his "new" bride and his new life - which should be able to stay this way amidst the ups and downs of life.

You'll do just fine. You do need a pampering tho - a little R and R - can someone watch the kids for you to grab a couple hours to yourself.

love you

brue

I think it's a very good thing. I think he wants to date YOU and think of YOU not as the mom of his kids, but as his woman. Don't just be "mom" and "wife," be everything!

Hi BND... I agree with everyone elese that your H's comments are a good thing. He wants to keep the M spiced up. Wouldn't you want that too - for it to saty fresh and exciting always? NNot to worry at all...PH

BND,
How much is it this time of year? Let us do this!! And everyone with a couple extra bucks, CHIP IN ASAP!!!

j-

BND

Your H asking for a boyfriend girlfriend thing doesn't sound very strange at all. I can't speak for personal experience since I didn't make it to piecing, and am still trying to find some of my missing parts. But let me share ideas.

The MLCer doesn't feel right in their own skin. They have to get away from it and the binds it places on them. I see some posts by folks that have been sep due to an A, and the WAS hopes to come back home and live as if nothing ever happened.

How can a MLCer do that? How can we expect them to jump right back into a skin that rejected them from life once already. To try to pretend nothing happened seems fatalistic in a way. I can understand him thinking how nice it might be to have honest open heartfelt talks about each others feelings, likes, dislikes, the whole dating thing. After MLC, he is a different person than you knew before. He is finding his way into his next adulthood and needs to come to know it and understand it completely. He wants to embrace it, and you.

BarbieDoll was wise to point out to you that things can go wrong. I don't think she did anything wrong in asking questions, if he was ready. He wasn't and she could not have known that. Her MLC sounds like he decided he could not come back if he was going to be quizzed about things instead of being forgiven. It could be hard to forgive someone while wondering the whole time "WTF were you thinking the whole time?" Inquiring minds want to know.

Do not ask. Let him lead those talks. Let him tell you what he wants when he wants, regarding the past. Remember the biggest problem for the MLCer was in fact, their past ... all the way back to childhood. Now they have completely misbehaved, and dwelling on that makes it hard for them to develop that positive self esteem that was absent as they were drawn toward MLC.

Your future is not in the past.

Your kids future is not in the past.

Your H's future is not in the past. Don't ask about things that will cause him great pain right now. When you do talk, talk about future. Talk about why you think he is worth waiting and fighting for. Not about his genius, muscles, or dimples .... although he will like to hear that too. Think about telling him that he has been learning so much about himself and how to listen to his heart, like only a wonderful complete and whole person can. Discuss how this kind of feeling and discussion is going to never end. This is the life you want with him. Open talk from the heart. No blame and no excuses. What is in life, just is. The two of you will honestly grow together in what is and become in awe of what will be .... together.

If talk goes to his childhood or yours, it should be non judgemental. It should be intended to help him see that things just happen in life and people get preprogrammed unwittingly to experience natural reactions to stimulus.

Things that may have little effect on one person leave another feeling worthless. Things that are said without such intention can still be very destructive. He needs to feel safe talking about his feelings so you can learn what hits his nerves ... like two people starting dating.

You need to let him know your own thoughts and concerns in non threatening ways. I hope by now you have read Mars-Venus a few times on communications, and 5LL at least once. He probably hasn't in his transition. You could comment on some commonly misunderstood signals or statements between men and women and how "isn't it odd that we can reach this age in life without actually understanding some things that are quite simply different? It should be taught in school!"

If a little something catches his interest or curiosity, maybe he would try reading a chapter or two. I think he would get hooked and the clarity it will provide him.

I spoke with a neighbor's son who was sep from his wife and small daughter. I gave him MarsVenus a week before he started IC. He was then told by IC to read it, and impressed the IC by stating he already had it and was half through it. They are back together and in MC together. They spend thirty minutes a night after the girl is asleep just talking about the current chapter they are reading or about each others feelings. They communicate. They make time to communicate.

I have shared a witty thought that this should be done naked in the dark. No barriers. Create a sense of total vulnerability for discussion. But of course, only when the two of you have begun to communicate effectively and regularly. It seems like a good way to take it to the next level. And then of course, to the bedroom.

BTW ... MarsVenus has a book about the bedroom also. More things that are often misunderstood between the species.

Baby steps. Patience. The same things that got you this far will keep you on track. You are going to be anxious. It is natural. Breath deep. Relax. His clock has been ticking at a different rate than yours. His clock may still be eratic. He may zoom forward one day but spin backward the next. Expect eratic. Don't be set back by it. Breath deep. Also know how totally jealous I am of your opportunity, and the wonderful life you two are putting together ... not just "back together". This next stage in your lives will be deeper, richer, and more rewarding than anything you would have expected in the past. It is the prize you worked for. Enjoy slowly, like an expensive meal.

(((hugs)))

Dear BND and Was2,

glad I read the post tonight. Good timing. As BND and you know, I am having some trouble piecing it all with H wanting back in the M, but under his terms I guess. I feel differently about him than I did before, mostly not as good. I've said love is a choice, and yet I fear making it.

I sooooo get what BND meant about being the strong one, all the time, every day, forever and ever. 24/7 parenting, house, yard, cars, bills, college applications, oh--wait, I HAVE A JOB/CAREER too.......When do we get a break? Jesus, if anyone had a right to bolt out the door, it wouldn't be the H's..... okay, I have a cold, and feel like crap. Maybe that's it. Patience.

BND, you are probably right about how I should be avoiding the OM, but I gotta tell you, I feel very little guilt so far. Of course, have not done anything major. But I like him, and he is kind to me... and oh, btw, guess what else?? HE IS HERE!!!!... H is NOT!!!! by his choice he lives in .....the one place I asked not to live.....first the fellowship/for his 197th credential, 300 miles, and now 3000 miles away for the world's "best job", which he sought NO WHERE else... Been gone going on 18 months now....what the hell am I supposed to do if this goes on forever?

No matter what I do, I have to hurt someone in my family, thanks to H's unilateral choices....my daughter's will be split up, and I'll have no boundaries enforced, if I go up there with d9... and if I don't go, then what? I guess the M ends, or what's left of it.....and d9 has no dad around....it stinks.

OKAY, I am venting...I understand everything you, BND, have said times ten. I only hope I can be as forgiving as you when I am with my H. He will be here for the holidays, as you know. Maybe when he's here I'll feel better. He rarely brings up R talk, unless it's about me coming up there.

Just curious, I should NOT tell H about OM correct? I mean, until IF and when I think I love OM, what's the point? I'm not sleeping with OM....yet... Why don't I feel a big guilt trip? Why?? Probably anger. Maybe that's what this is all about. I thought I had gotten better about that. But H really hurt our M, me, and our d's... and especially d17. ...This is her father who left us/her just before her junior year of HS and is still gone for her senior year....her grades dropped last year and although they are high again, the GPA suffered enough to keep her out of the IVy Leagues, where her brother is...and where she could have been....maybe I should be glad she's going to save us so much money in tuition. The damage is real, and the effects on others b/c of his choices, OMG, they're huge......Do I even get to mention it to H? What's the point?

Forgiving for what they did to us is one thing; I've got my faults too. But dang, BND how do you deal with your kids' pain? How can I help D17 to reconcile with H and how can I help him to do whatever it is he needs to do to get that with her? HOW did your d start getting better with your H? What did it take? Who did what?

My b-day last week, I got 2 dozen roses from H and a message(s) that included how "much better our future will be, this will be the last birthday of [mine} we'll be apart..." etc......I was happy with that, and grateful. Better than last year for sure.... But then fear comes in and I find myself wondering.... I wonder, HOW will it be better? Then anger pops up AGAIN.....Oh You mean, if I move up there, NEVER feeling that our M and family are as important as his flippin' job? .....dang, way toooo negative right now.

I must get this worked out soon. I cannot go up there with THIS attitude or failure will be a certainty....

If only I believed that H wanted US more than anything else.......BND, I know you get it.... Oh the irony of it all....if H volunteered to give his stupid job up, I'd move there for a trial at least...ANYHOW, another hijack. SORRY guys!! Wth?? Why don't I just post this elsewhere? How do I do that? Copy and paste? (No pc skills here...thought the little people would do that for me when I went to school...big mistake.)

BND, I am still wanting to do the "DB a thon" for your H at Christmas. Let US know where to send the checks!! FOLKS, catch my earlier post about sending bucks into BND's sitch so her H can come home this Christmas....seriously, I am throwing in 100$ and another guy is too, so that's 200$ so, BND, what does it cost? You have helped a lot of people and inspired so many and wth? At least you're a good cause that I actually "know"...DBers, pitch in please!!

And BND, as for your H's comments re: dating, I agree with W2, that your H is being "normal", (for MLC and whatever "normal" means with it). Although you may have feared it meant some sort of "open" R, I didn't get that.... Plus, you are "exploring in the bedroom", and all I can say to that is you Go Girl!!

What were you saying you feared? An "Open" R?? ***Btw, reminds me of a crazy woman I knew who told me her H and she had an "open" M, and she "always" told her H whenever she slept with OM, b/c "IF you don't have honesty in a M, how are you gonna have trust?"*** (I loved that line the moment I heard it....they are divorced...seriously....big surprise...)

Well, keep on keepin' on and tell us what to do with our checks!
j-

Hi 25years,

I am reading along here, and I want to share with you part of a post from the SSM board, written in response to a man who is sufffering from self esteem issues:

"Pick up David Dieda�s �Way of the Superior Man.� I found it very helpful because he puts a different twist on things, stating that a man�s primary purpose is not his woman, but his personal objective, whatever that might be. His commitment to his woman is in sharing his success and happiness with her, giving her the gift of his accomplishments, his confidence, security, compassion."

I understand how hurt you are by your H's actions, but maybe he was in such a bad space that he went "beserko" trying to define his essential purpose. He has to get some bearing of himself as a man before he can embrace you. In his state of mind, he has done a lot of damage in the process..only you can determine if it's worth salvaging. I'd be leary of getting drawn in by OM until you make this decision.

( now returning the thread back to BND and her stuff)!

((((J)))
First of all thank you for your very kind and sweet gesture to help me get my Husband home for Christmas.

But I also know that most people are totally strapped financially at this time of year and are trying to provide for their own families.

The airfare is expensive right now, more then double the usual costs. I did check online at Orbitz and it is about $900, which is outrageous.

I will continue to pray for a miracle but it is nothing that I am counting on.
The very fact that I have friends here on this board who would even consider this just floors me, thank you!!

As for your sitch.
Oh J, I do know the inner struggle from which you speak.

Trying to forgive the atrocities of our WAS and trying to love them while the thoughts of the damage they have done comes to the forefront of our minds and sometimes negates all of the good they are trying to do.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and let down your guard with absolutely no guarantees.

Protecting your children's emotions like a Mother bear because there is nobody else who can be their advocate, because your other half went AWOL and never looked back to see the damage he did.

And now you have found this OM who makes you feel all of the things you NEED to feel not only as a person but also as a woman.

Neither your H or the OM is a sure thing.
And NO do not tell your H about the OM.

I am trying to be realistic in the fact that my life will never be the same as it was before MLC.
I have never stopped loving him but I have stopped trusting him.
Trust will have to be earned over time.

I also think for you it means giving up control and allowing your Husband to resume his place as head of the household. A place that technically he doesn't deserve because this would mean that he had been there and put his family first, no matter what.

Allowing him to be the man and giving up your voice is a huge decision to make and I think it can be done IF there is a full commitment from him.

As for my H and the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I do understand what he was saying.
We talked a little about it yesterday.

I think a huge part of my problem during the marriage was making the children a priority, not him.

At this stage of the game he wants us to enjoy each other and make our relationship a priority outside of the Mommy/Daddy role.

When we go out I don't dress like MOM, but rather his sexy wife that he can show off. Gee, I've never been a trophy wife before!

Our relationship in the bedroom has changed also, neither of us in as inhibited as before and that has also helped. We are both able to talk about what we want and that makes a big difference.

I can see that he really put up with alot of crap from me, after going through so many pregnancies, and the hormones and the nursing and haveing no outside support from family.

I had a hard time losing the last 30 pounds after the last baby was born and I was also very tired and worn out. I saw some photos of myself recently from that time period and I looked like hell.

He compliments me daily on my appearance, the way I dress now, the makeup, my size 2 body. He told me that I am the first person he thinks of when he wakes up each morning and the last when he goes to bed at night.

These are things I needed to hear for a long time, and so as shallow as I might seem, I like being told that my Husband finds me beautiful and sexy.

I will no longer allow myself to be 2nd best.
I need to be first and have told him this.

J, you do not have to make a decision right now, the fact that you are still wavering means that you are undecided.
See how things go at Christmas and play it by ear.

W2S and Brue,
Thank you, thank you.

I know I am gonna get there and maybe it might be good to have doubts at times rather then to take things for granted and think that nothing will go wrong.

So for now, I will try really hard to dwell on the positive and stop allowing my mind to wander.

I do hope that one day this really will all be just a bad memory.....for all of us

Yesterday was totally stressful...

I cooked for 100 people at church, we had an Agape Feast.
So at the end of the day I finally got to check my voice mail and there were 3 lovely messages from my Beloved.

All encouraging wonderful messages.
I really needed to hear those words.
It is amazing how a little affirmation and words of encouragement can go a long long way

Hi BND,

I am so happy your H is stepping in and supporting and loving you in all the ways he can while he is far away. You are such a wonderful human being, putting energy and love into your spiritual community with so much on your plate as it is. You are amazing. I hope you will be taking some time for you soon too! But meanwhile, it is just the best thing that your H is tuning in to what you need.

I have just gotten my first round of H's negative feelings. I made a really long post on my thread

I guess this is a good thing? I hold a candle out for the day when I can be where you are in my sitch. Cheers to you, BND! May the blessings of this special season fall upon your family and home in abundance. Hugs to you, and gratitude for who you are.

Hi,BND. I know you're almost at the end of this thread, but I'm adding it to my faves anyway. You are where I want to be one day.

Just keep up the positive thoughts..You are in a blessed situation. And I don't know how you do it but you are a blessing to all you surround.

Hey BND,

I'll go to my post for a real response. And I know this is about to lock. But I wanted to say that I don't believe in "losing my voice" as part of my M. I just don't think that is what God wants for me. And I can't do it anyhow.
j-

Hey BND,

I am so glad your H is working with you. There was a time that these kind words from my STBXW would have been all I needed to hear. Cherish this (like you needed me to say that

). I was totally serious about the $$$$$ for the plane fare. Please let us help if we can.

Get yourself some rest. I mean you already make meals for an army at home - let alone 100 people at church!!!!! You are such a great person. The world needs more in it just like you!!!

God Bless,

Santhony

BND,
ditto.
j-

Thank you for all of the lovely encouraging posts..
They really do make my day

So, I had a nice relaxing day yesterday doing not much of anything, even got fast food for dinner....the kids asked me if I was OK

because I hate junk food.

I am back to painting now, have finished the red and am starting the yellow.
My house looks so much brighter!!

Apart from the tree, I am not decorating this year.
My heart just isn't in it right now.

I am NOT depressed I am just feeling a little melancholy.
Wondering what God is doing now and why this all has to take so bloody long.

I guess there is still work to be done on both of us or my Husband would have been home by now.

You are absolutely right, there is no timeline, no timetable, God will do it when he is good and ready.

He BND,
I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. I know how you feel about decorating. I am not sure whether I will be doing anything. HUGS

I am almost positive I heard those words last night.
After we got off of the phone he said I love you.
I didn't say a word, I think I was in shock.
OK, I know if that is what I heard he will say it again.
Why the hell do I feel like a giddy school girl????

Because it is surreal.

And new !

OK I am just venting.
I know I sound stupid and unreasonable so please bear with me.
As you know my Husband will not be home for Christmas.
I have already accepted that.
In some ways I was glad he would be alone as I thought this might light a fire under his arse to get things moving.
So my MIL mentions to me a couple of weeks ago that it is too bad H will be all alone for Christmas but in some ways it might be good as he may miss his family.
Little did I know until today that she has invited him to spend Christmas with her and her family.
And he is going.
He told me this morning that he should see her as he hasn't paid her a visit since February.
I called her today and asked her what the big secret was, and all she did was Hum and Hah.
I did not have an attitude, I was not rude.
I just said thank you and hung up.

So now I am mad.
This woman has lied and lied and meddled non stop in my marriage.
She has NEVER said a bad word to my Husband about his actions towards me and the kids.
She always says that "my Mijo needs to be happy".
(Mijo means son).
I rarely talk to her anymore and feel very betrayed by the family so I avoid her like the plague.
I can not do anything or say anything it is his Mother.
I do not know how he can face his whole family and celebrate Christmas knowing that his wife and kids are alone, 3000 miles away.
I personally would be too ashamed to face anyone.
So that is my vent I have to go and do something productive or I will be sitting her stewing all day.

Hi BND.. I have been reading all the posts but didn't have anything significant to contribute. As for this post, I definitely relate to you. I know how it is when you feel lack of support from your H's family. Where does his mother and family live? In the same state as he? SO sorry you have to find this out now. I know you're going to do your best to stay calm with your H and not cause a crisis at this time. I hope you feel better about this soon. This BB is sure one good place to vent and we're all thankful for that. Hang in there and I know you will. ~PH

Dear BND,

"Crap" and "ouch", pretty much sum it up. I hate MILs who let their sons do whatever they want and practically teach them to be self centered....OMG I totally relate. My mil told me the reason H lied to me was b/c he didn't want to see my reaction.....REALLY???? THAT IS SOOOO RARE AND SOOOO DIFFERENT......

Geez, as if guys lie b/c they LIKE the idea of seeing our reactions...my response to my mil was, and I quote ".......well, duh..."

In 27 years of knowing H, she has never once told him anything he did was unpleasant or less than perfect. We have her only grandchildren and she has not called ONCE in 18 months, unless H is here, to ask about the kids....

Let me say OFFICIALLY and PUBLICLY that I will be a different type of MIL.....no son of mine would do this crap and not get an earful from me. Just for the record...
j-

J
My S20 told me that if he ever decides to go AWOL that I had better hunt him down like a wild dog and drag his sorry arse home.

He also said that if he flipped out like his Dad would I promise that I would always treat his wife and kids properly unlike my inlaws have treated me and the kids.
I tell you some kids have more common sense then 40 year old men!!!

On a lighter note, my H called me this aftermnoon.
I told him that I was feeling really hurt by his Mother for being such a liar and a manipulator.
He asked me if he should cancel his plans to go so that I would feel better.
He didn't have an attitude, he actually seemed quite concerned.
He reiterated the fact that he really didn't want to go but felt guilty as he hasn't seen her in ages.

He told me again that he is really trying to get home ASAP and he is sorry for putting me and the kids in this position.

Sometimes I feel I am being a fool, but I know I am supposed to trust God in all of this and hopefully things will all make sense one of these days.

I do love my Husband, I just want to try and remember what normalcy is.
I have forgotten.
This dysfunctional life has become my normalcy.
How screwed up is that?

I just want my whole family together.
I want to wake up with my Husband next to me.
I want to sit at the dinner table with my whole family.
I want to have someone to talk to after the kids go to sleep.
I want someone to run an errand with me.

I know this is what we all want and I am sorry for whining.

I am just really down.
I wish there was a fast forward button somewhere I could press and this whole BSMLC saga would be over.

BND,
One thing that struck in your first post of this series was when you referred to H being with his family and you all alone. You WILL NOT be all alone. You will have your own wonderful family around you. It is H who will be missing out.
Keep strong.

BND.. It's been a lon haul for you, so it's understandable that you can't wait for this to be over. None of us here can and most of us haven't been in our situations half as long as you have.

As for your MIL, she's probably a pretty unhappy person, to have to lie and lie and lie through life. She must feel pretty threatened by you somehow. This should help youhold your head up high. She probably envies you.

It's nice that your H is being concerned. I wouldn't want to be in his position at all. Nice he offered to cancel going to your MIL's.

Hope your H comes home permanently very soon. ~PH