H finally hit bottom.....the drinking, the depression, everything....
Let me explain....we had been pretty much together for the past 9 months after being apart for 18 months....he still couldn't say he loved me....had some major trust issues even though I am the one who maintained my vows and place with the kids while he went and jumped off of the train of life...
He had a few episodes of drinking too much....one of which pretty much resulted in our getting back together....he also did this in front of our kids which really didn't go over good and because he had no recall of how ugly he talked to me in front of them he appologized and said he wasn't going to drink anymore...
Four months go by and things are seemingly good....then he has a 1/2 of a beer....because of medications and health issues I can tell....he doesn't lie at least....but I am not comfortable with his breaking his promise to the kids and I....so he said "I won't drink unless you allow it."....
A week goes by....I find him in a rather odd state....can't tell for sure if he had been drinking or if he was having a diabetic problem....but something was very wrong....he was claiming he was fine and hadn't drank anything.....he got angry and said he was leaving....I wrestled his keys away and ran to my apartment, locking the door....he came up wanting in....I wasn't going to allow that so I had my daughter keep him talking while I called 9-1-1....
When they arrived he was hiding in front of his car....they came and talked to him and he admitted he had quite a bit of vodka (2/5th's) to drink....so they decided because of his medical conditions to take him to the hospital....
I follow in my car....he won't see me initially at the hospital but tells the nurse to tell me he is sorry and he loves me....
Later he wants to see me....they took all kinds of blood tests...his BAC was .25%....3 times the legal driving limit (good thing I grabbed his keys)
Time goes by in the ER and a doctor confronts him about his drinking....says he needs to enter treatment....he agrees....then while we are waiting for information on what to do he starts getting mean and ugly with me....so I left the room....he told me to go home but I stayed....the ER doctor talked to me, said they couldn't get him into a program that night but he could go tomorrow....if he would still go....if not I needed to make a decision that was best for my family....
Well....by the time it was time for him to come home he allowed me to drive him home....the sedated him (yes, on top of the alcohol)....he slept on the couch
The next morning, he was sorry....agreed to go to the rehab unit....so we went...things went well and they got him set up with a counselor and another visit with a Psychiatrist for the following week....
The day to see his Psychiatrist came...it went really well....he was very positive about everything....but said he would be facing some demons from his past (early childhood that I knew would play into all of this)....well it happened later that day....he called me and I could tell he had been drinking....he said he was having to say good bye to a very good friend that he would never be able to see again....I was very worried...but the next morning he came home....siad he was totally resolved to become sober and stay that way (he was a binge drinker, not a daily drinker....sometimes months inbetween)....
Right now things seem good...for the first time he is actually going to professionally address his childhood issues, his alcohol abuse, and how it has affected our marriage....
I gave him one final ultimatum....if he slips up and drinks that he must agree to Antibuse....which means he has to give up pickles, hot sauce, vinegars, salad dressings, certain fruit juices.....even mouthwash!....because in some people these can result in the violent vomiting that would come from alcohol consumption....of course anything cooked with alcohol is also out of the diet....
So life is one edge....his Psych said for the next 90 days it will be very rough....he will have periods of crying and sadness to work through...this will be hard for me too....but I hope in the end that he will emerge as the man that he was always meant to be (even though he had a great 25 year run)....
So hang in there with me...please
hey toots! glad to hear from you. You've been through so much...again. But I'm very happy to hear he is getting medical help, I pray that these next 90 days pass reeeeal fast for you, and that in the end you see a glimpse of the man you married. Hugs imLIN)))))))))))
Hi ImLIN
This is all so hard on you. I keep my fingers crossed that everything with your H will go right. I will hang in there with you. HUGS
Wow, I am sending prayers your way! You must be a very strong person. Hopefully the professional help will be a big turning point in his life. It sounds positive.
Take care
Hi ImLIN,
How are things? I hope everything with you is OK and going well. Take care and HUGS
Hi ImLIN,
How are things? I have not seen you on the BB for a while. I hope everything is OK with you and your H. Take care.
Things are good....I am going to Al-Anon and he is going to recovery and a psychiatrist to deal with his childhood abuses and alcoholism....
So far so good...
I will try and write soon....with work and family I have been very busy....I do think of you all here often and appreciate that you keep interest in how I am...
So how are you?
Take care
Hi ImLIN,
I am please that things with you are good. I hope the psychiatrist will help your H with his issues.
I am doing quite alright at the moment. I will go on holiday soon and I am really looking forward to it.
I often wonder how LBS with a family have time to write on the BB so often and even help and post on other threads. I have nobody to look after and seem to spend a lot of time on the BB, but then I have hardly any time to do something else. But of course, I choose to spend my time doing what I enjoy, and the rest of the chores I keep postponing. Take care.
Hi ImLIN,
We have not heard from you for some time. I hope that you are OK and that your sitch continues to improve. HUGS
Hi ImLIN,
Is everything OK with you? HUGS
Things are going okay for us....I have gone to a few group meetings for Al-Anon and one with our medical group....H is seeing a Phyciatrist who is helping with his alcoholism but not so much with his childhood abuse issues....I think I will talk with our doctor to see about getting him someone to talk to about that....
He is working at Starbuck's and so far so good....considering he used to make $40 hour and now makes $8.50.....but he says he would like to be a regional or district manager....and for now this is a job that he can handle the stress level of....
I will write more when I get a chance....I do thank you for checking in on me....
So how are things with you???
Hi ImLIN,
I am glad that you are doing fine. You are right about your H not talking about his issues to the psychiatrist. Maybe your doctor can help. I will probably also help your H's self-esteem when he is working. Anything is better than doing nothing. It is said that too much free time gets you thinking about your life and sitch too much and with work we have to concentrate on something else. That is of course true and can be applied to anybody, also to us.
I am not doing too badly but not too good either at the moment. My patience is running out and I get quite depressed from time to time. At the moment I don't see any progress in my sitch. However, there is no backsliding either, and that is good. I would just like to speed up H's journey, and I know that's not possible. At least I have my holiday to look forward to and that helps.
Take care and all the best for your sitch. HUGS
Hi ImLIN,
I hope you are having a good time. I just wanted to mention that I am off soon and will not be posting on the BB for a while. I would like to thank you for your support and advice and wish you a lovely holiday season. HUGS
Thank you....things are going very well here....happiness is returning.....have a good trip and enjoy yourself....talk to you when you return.....
ttfn....Linda
I am so happy for you that happiness is returning!!! Yeah!
I will try to keep posting once in a while. Take care. HUGS
Linda,
Just wanted to pop in and say hi and offer some encouragement. You've been so helpful to me since i've been in the community. Now that I've read some of your sitch, I can see where your wisdom comes from.
You veterans must sometimes want to take some of us newcomers and slap us upside the head when we get all whiny on you about how sad we are. Anyway, sounds like you've been through the tough battles and are slowly coming out the other side. I congratulate you on that and wish you continued perserverance and wisdom as the days and weeks go by.
Thanks so much again for caring about me and others during your tough times. You're an angel.
Hi ImLIN,
I wish you a merry Christmas and a very happy New Year and that your sitch may continue on the path of happiness.
Linda and family,
You've been an angel to me on here, encouraging, instructing, advising, and most of all caring. Your tender heart has meant alot to me so many times over the past month on this forum.
Linda, I rejoice with you that you've reached the point you've reached with your husband. I pray God's blessings on all of you this coming year. I know you still have work in front of you, but I also know you're more than up to it.
Thank you from the depth of my heart for being such a loving friend to me.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
{{{{{inLin}}}}}
Bill
selah...
Thank you all for your kind words....really I took and took from this BB for so long.....it really helped me to hang on in the darkest of moments....sometimes I didn't post about them but read what others were going or had been through....I needed the encouragement from those who "had walked that mile in my shoes".....so now that I am not so "needy" I feel an obligation to help others that are now where I was....I think that is what I found here...others willing to help me by posting.....so I am thankful and greatful to be of encouragement to any and all who read what I have posted...
I do hope for you all to continue on your journey...I hope for a good outcome for you all....but no matter what happenes with your spouses or ex-spouses you will all be better persons....stronger in your faith and resolve to be the best you can be....and really in the end, no matter who or if you are with your spouse or another you will be so much more prepared....this is almost what we all needed BEFORE we ever got married.....
So thank you for thanking me....but I really feel honored that I can be of any help....and I am thankful to all those before me....and hopeful to all those after me.....
Take care, LIN
hugs))) hope you had a good weekend. I still have some of your posts from when I felt horrible, when I need them I read them
A bump in the road....
Quick recap....when H and I were newly seperated and he kept telling me he hadn't loved me for a long time I recalled the locket I was wearing and had to ask if he loved me when he gave it to me....he said "I don't know"...
Well I removed the locket in tears and told him that I didn't want it back until he could tell me that he loved me....
Fastforward....when he moved back to the area (before moving back with me)he rented an apartment with a guy (lawyer) that I didn't like....he gave me the creeps... well they eventually had a falling out and my H did as he did with me....left everything he owned in the apartment, including my locket....now it has been almost a year....he hasn't paid rent since March because he really couldn't afford the place to begin with but his MLC fantasy wouldn't allow him to reason that far...
Now he won't go get my locket because he says the guy has guns and it mentally unstable....he won't go through the court because he did sign a lease and he is afraid the guy will come after him with all his "legal" guns to get that money...
I was upset....I understood why he couldn't get my locket...but I was very sad....the sentimental value is there for me....because I feel soon that I will hear ILY and that was going to be my token....the return of my cherished locket...now it is gone....and H thought I was trying to make him feel guilty (I wasn't)....I just wanted some sympathy....understanding about my sadness and my loss....all he could say is "I can get another locket."...of course any woman and probably some men (not meant to be sexist just what I have seen) can see that another locket is NOT THAT locket....it CAN'T be replaced
So I cried....he got mad and said I was using guilt to control him....that I wanted him to risk getting shot for my locket....all not true....I just wanted him to understand my loss....that locket meant so much to me.... He wouldn't even give me a hug because he was so angry...so he left me sobbing on my bed and went to work....when he came home I had dinner ready and he ate....we watched some TV and I went to bed....he came in later....
He is emotionally withholding from me....he does this....he just shuts down.....makes me feel worse....and so the cycle goes...
I don't want him to buy me another locket...to me that would be more painful...a reminder always of the one that I lost....I don't want that....but he would do that...I would react negatively....then he would say "You don't ever appreciate the gifts I get for you."....he said that about THAT locket because when he gave it to me we had agreed we couldn't afford to exchange gifts for our anniversary and he went and spent money we didn't have....I was upset about that....not the locket...but he puts things and money in one lump and says I didn't appreciate it....after the shock of the money side wore off I wore my locket often....had pics of him and S in it...I cherished it....and I always will (in my memories)...but I don't want another one
I invited him to breakfast....hoping that we can talk this out and clear the air instead of doing what he prefers and ignoring it....because then I keep inside my bitter feelings and he keeps inside his and that is basically what got us to where we were a few years ago when his MLC came to a peak!....I don't ever want to walk that road again...I WON'T!
Any advice or comfort would be appreciated...Lin
Linda,
I wish I could explain your husbands resistance on the locket issue. Did you not mention before that health was an issue with him? Is it possible that he truly is fearful for his physical well being in going to his former roommate to ask for the locket?
For a man, a sign of physical weakness is difficult, particularly with our spouse. I would never want to appear afraid to Annie. I've never faced a situation where I felt unable to step in because of physical fear, but if I did, I would feel quite a bit of shame. I can only suggest that it might do your husband well to hear you acknowledge his fear, if you're convinced that is the major issue in him not trying to retrieve the locket.
Would he be open to you accompanying him to go get the locket? Is that something you would be comfortable with?
I feel for both of you on this issue. For you because clearly there is great significance with both the locket and your husbands unwillingness to go after it. For him because I can only imagine how it would make me feel if I had to tell my wife I was physically afraid to go get something of such value to her.
Husband is still in a tender state, yes? But on the other hand, you allowed and supported his "passion" for the coffee machine. You're well within reason I think to ask for such support from him. And it would be good for him I think to take this step, particularly if it's a difficult one for him.
I'm reminded that so many of you speak to the gentleness with which returning spouses must be handled. It sounds like you're trying very hard, but this is emotional for you, and we all know how emotions can carry us to places we wish later we hadn't gone.
Tread lightly Linda. Be sure that you're not asking him to show painful weakness in front of you. If there's a way to ease him into this, or help him by standing beside him, that may bear great fruit for both of you.
Hope this is helpful. I'm sorry for the bump in the road, but I know if anyone is capable of navigating through it, you are.
Blessings,
Bill
Thanks for the reply Bill....my husband doesn't have a problem with admitting he is affraid of this guy...that I understand....and this guy absolutely wants no part of me being around "his" place....he really is an unstable person...and he is a criminal defense attorney so I am sure he has some internal issues as well....along with paranoia
H and I went to breakfast yesterday and then after we got back and we were still in the car I asked if we could talk about it....he agreed...I acknowledged his reasons for not wanting to go into the apartment....I also asked him if it was possible he was confusing guilt with feeling bad...because I was not trying to make him feel guilty...I was just trying to get some sympathy....I know I emotionally melted down on him and it happened quickly between my request for him to get the locket and my acknowledgment of why he couldn't....he missed that transition and thought I was mad at HIM...when really I was deeply sad because for the first time since he returned I realized that I may not get the locket back...even if he can say ILY again....that is where my emotional shake up came in....
He asked me point blank why the locket was so important...why another wouldn't suffice...so I explained that it was our last anniversary together that he gave it to me.....and it was when we broke up and he couldn't tell me if he loved me or not when he gave it to me that I gave it back....I said I only wanted it if he could tell me that he loved me....at that point I wasn't sure I would ever see that locket again...but when he returned it became a prize to me....something for making it to the end of journey....a token of love....REAL LOVE...what I have fought so hard to get back....that is where the sentimental value of THAT locket came in....I told him another locket would only create stress for me....spending money we couldn't really afford to spend....and a constant reminder of the locket that was lost...the one I valued most...
So in the end....he said, "Maybe I can write a letter to "_" and ask him to leave it at the receptionist desk. I can't really see any value to him for that locket and perhaps he would understand your intense desire to have it returned."....I should say that H has left a complete Bose home theater, a deluxe new king sized bed, and very expensive corner group sofa, and misc. musical and recording equipment....I guess he is going to write it off as a loss and hope this guy doesn't come after him for the rent he never paid....
So anyway....I am trying not to get my hopes up....this guy has an unfounded dislike for me and my gut feeling about him is that he is not to be trusted....when I found out that H had moved in with him I was not comfortable with that...H kept telling me what a great guy he was...what a brilliant lawyer he was....but I was not impressed.....and in a few months he started not talking so much about him and finally admitted he was a real jerk....like that was news to me....although I bit my tongue because this guy helped show H that I wasn't as back as he thought, lol....funny it was an OM (not in the sexual sense at all) that helped him find his way back to me, lol....sort of funny now that I think about it...
Well, thanks for checking on this for me....I hope that someday that locket you gave Annie will be as important to you when you see her wear it as my locket is to me....
Take care, Linda
Linda,
I'm crying as I write this post and I can't exactly say why. I wish I could take your husbands shoes for just one afternoon, walk into that apartment and take back that locket for you. Why does it hold such meaning to me as well as you, I don't know for sure. Things are in such turmoil in my heart and mind right now, but I feel for where you are. Why is it that those of us on here know just what needs to be done, but our spouses are so clueless? Linda, you know your husband loves you, you know he has finally decided that he was wrong and wants to be with you forever again. Please, please rest in that and trust him just a little. If I could do it for him I would. But this is his job. I understand completely the meaning of the locket. The locket I gave to Annie carries much the same significance for me.
I'm in a bad place Linda. Can't seem to get out of it today for some reason. All that comes is tears and wondering why. I want yours to work, yours to be right, because maybe that means mine can be right some day. Happiness all around me, but I'm not happy. I'm empty and defeated. Sorry Linda. You're such a friend to me.
I pray it goes well. I pray he realizes what he needs to do for you. It's in there somewhere. Give him time. He WILL figure it out.
My best to both of you. God's blessings,
Bill
Hi ImLIN,
I am just checking in on you and wish you a happy New Year. I hope the problem with the locket got solved in the meantime. I am reading a book called "the Dance of Anger" and I will let you know who wrote it. That might help you getting out of the vicious circle. Take care.
Quote:
not trying to make him feel guilty...I was just trying to get some sympathy...
It's the story of my life, each time. Whenever I cry out of frustration H thinks I'm trying to manipulate him and he hates it, thus, doesnt give me confort I seek.
I see that you got attached to the locket, that it means lots to you, but you must let it go now, the locket is a means to an end, it is just a symbol, and if the retrieval of it and talks about it will bring grief and have your H feel cornered and insufficient, drop it hon, it isnt' worth it.
I can totally see that happening in my sitch, we women place so much sentimental value on things. I posted months ago how H had saved a frame where he'd had a pict of him and OW, not because he wanted to hold to it, but because, my practical H thought it was a perfectly usable frame.
I felt the frame was disease ridden, and was glad when it inadvertly broke as I was trying to put a pict on it.
Your H just didnt' understand how much you valued that locket, to him, what counts is that he is there, more than any lockets.
It's down to the wiring of men an women, how we each perceive things, you must remember that imLIN.
Quote:
I just wanted him to understand my loss....that locket meant so much to me.... He wouldn't even give me a hug because he was so angry...so he left me sobbing on my bed and went to work....
It reminds me of that section on 'men r from mars women r from venus' where it says that when a man feels bad, he isnt' going to want a hug an company, he wants to be left alone, and maybe that's what he thougth he was doing, giving you space. Then again, like my H, he is emotionally unable, at this point- to offer consolation. Give him time.
Bill is right on the money, your H might feel like he's failed you, and seeing you miserable reminds him of what he can't give you. Search your heart again, the locket was a nice tocken, but all in all we wear love in our hearts.
Well we had another bump...big bump in the road...
H is a recovering alcholic...severe child abuse issues....and even PTSD has been suggested and I believe it to be there too...
Well he had been doing good....coming up on 3 months the 13th of this month....this week was a tough one for him emotionally....if he sees an injustice at work or where ever he feels the need to correct it...i.e...at work they have an unwritten policy that says if you call in sick you must find your own replacement and bring a doctors note or you will be written up....they don't pay for sick days and my H says asking people who are not even being payed a living wage to go to a doctor to get a note is wrong...especially if they are obviously sick....he also feels a list of employees who would like to be called for extra work should be made available instead of the entire list to save time by calling only those that would be interested in extra time....I agree...but it isn't up to him to change the world right now...H needs to take care of himself...
Well he has been stressed...had a few things like mentioned above happen at work....and was just feeling down...then I come home from work and S11 tells me dad went to the office (different then work)....I call and he sounds ok...says he is getting things ready to be turned over so he can be out of there....I think things are ok...
An hour later he calls and says, "I am in trouble."...he discloses that he is drinking....just one beer...but not sounding so good...admits it is a large beer...highter alcholol too...I tell him that I am going to call a friend and we will come get him....that way both cars will be home...nope...he just wants to stay there...says he won't drink anymore....this isn't always the truth when he says that and I know he needs to be home....so I tell him that "I" will come get him....ask for door and lobby codes to get in and upstairs....he gives them to me...twice....
I call a friend anyway...spiritual adviser for us both and great friend of H's....he comes and gets me....I knew the possibility could be that H would not be so cooperative when I got there so I wanted friend there....
I get to the front door...door code H gave isn't working...then I recall that I got door code a long time ago and logged it in my phone....that one worked...get upstairs and the lobby code wasn't working....check phone and use that code....it works....now I remember that I have a key to the office....didn't have one before....so I just open the door...I find him flat on his back passed out cold....looks like he fell...things are knocked over...etc....I get him awake...he obviously toast....it takes a while to get him on his feet...sandals keep falling off and he won't walk without them....I get the remaining large beer put up....lock office and start out with him...he says he has to go to the restroom...I take him but he just sits....finally after 15 minutes I convince him that we need to go....it is hard keeping him on his feet and walking....pretty soon he decides to let me carry his sandals...I get him the car and put him in...then run to his friends car and let him know what is going on...asking him to go talk to him because I am calling 9-1-1....he is in bad shape and after having mini-strokes a few months prior and having diabetes I have reason for concern...
Ambulance shows up....H is confused about why the "red lights" are there....but agrees to go....but wants to make sure friend goes to hospital also...
Get to hospital...he gets combative some because he wants friend to stay in room....won't do anything that is asked unless his friend tells him...not a pretty sight....he is crying and starts telling any who will listen about the horrible sexual abuse that he and his siblings endured...H starts talking about how worthless he is....how unloved... it is so sad....
His BAC was .25%....3 times the legal limit....he was smashed....I confirmed by receipts and what was in the office that he only had what amounted to 4 beers...he didn't eat and may have been dehydrated....but he was really drunk....
I was at the hospital till 1:30 am....I had to call off my morning shift....causing me more stress but I am sure no one wants a school bus driver driving their precious children with less then 3 hours of sleep!!!
I also get a note and make H agree to let me take it to his work so he won't have to show up either...I tell them he is too sick to call for back up and hand them the note from the hospital showing his discharge at 1:30 am...no argument...
Now H has to talk with elders of church concerning this...they will try and work with him to help but if he can't get it under control he risks being removed from the congregation again...this would kill us as a family...
Anyway...lets add to this my stress....I had been approved for training to be a bus driver by EDD....no need to look for a job....but I found a one day a month job at a pet store...it would be 4.25 hours....I did this until training for bus driving was conflicting...so I quit...didn't think to notify EDD....now they are asking back almost $4000 in "overpayment" because I quit a "JOB" and was not eligible for benefits....yes, if you have a job that is 1 hour per month you can't quit or you will loose it ALL....I didn't have a choice if I wanted this other job...at the time H had just left me, we had a house fall out of escrow because looser tenants refused to move, I was basically homeless living with my parents....trying to get a place for my kids and I...it was an aweful time...
So now...several years later I am having to prepare to appear before an appealate judicial hearing on my EDD claim....I am fighting it....it is just wrong!!!...I didn't even have to take that job...I did it just to do something besides sit around!!!....penalize me the $40 dollars a week I gave up with the job...not the $212 I was getting a week in total from EDD!!!
Okay...thank you for the vent if you have stayed this long in my saga....thank you very much!
Such is life....and sometimes it just plain sucks!!!!
imLin, so sorry your H got so sick, so glad you followed your 6th sense and go him,thank God for that)))))) I firmly believe on listening to that "little" voice. I hope yoru H find teh strenght to keep away from alcohon and that your church doesnt' let you guys go.
I pray they understand, about the job, it is very absurd they want so much back, it just can't be right, I hope the hearing goes well for you, when it rains it pours.
Linda,
I'm so sorry about the bump(s) in the road. And for the other aggravations that make the important things in your life even more difficult to deal with.
I truly hope your congregation would not take the harsh step of removing your husband from the church. Maybe I just don't understand the church environment you're dealing with, but I thought that church was for welcoming and helping to heal hurt people.
Sounds like H really has a lot of things on his plate emotionally. He is in therapy of some kind, right? I mean, if he is going on about childhood abuse in a drunken state, seems to me it's still pretty raw for him and something that should be being addressed strongly.
Not surprised by your loving response to his setback. You're an amazing woman and he is ever so lucky to have you by his side. Are the kids ok? Sounds like a great opportunity for the family to come together in caring for each other.
Sorry Lin, wish I could think of something profound and helpful to say that would make this easier for you. Maybe it will be enough to know that we are out here and we care. I always have included you and your family on my prayer list, but I'll be sure to spend a little time on all of you the next couple of nights.
Let me know if there is anything I can do, because you know I will.
Much love and caring,
Bill
Actually I shortened a lot of things....our congregation is very loving and will work closely with H...but at the same time to protect the "flock" if someone CONTINUES in a sinful course they are removed from associating...they can attend but they are not associated with....if is in line with the Bible teachings so he and I both understand.... but of course before such drastic measures would be taken the brothers will work closely with him and try and keep him in good graces so to speak....as will I and the kids even though this battle is really his own....
It is just so hard on me emotionally because I need to "feel" his love....the only time he can express it is when he is so totally drunk....and that is what we are trying to avoid....it just does a real head trip on me when he starts telling everyone in sight how much he loves me....how wonderful I am....how I am the most important person in his life....but then let him sober up and I feel shunned....and he can't understand it....he thinks it is enough that he is here....and maybe it is....but I am feeling emotionally starved....very confusing...
Which brings me to your most recent post on your side...I would like to email you as I don't want to say openly what I want to share with you on that....then if you feel that you want to share what I have to say you may C&P it...
Until then....take care and be careful!
Hi ImLIN,
I hope everyting is fine with you and that in the meantime you are not starved emotionally anymore. Take care.
Hi ImLIN,
I finally got the author of the book "the Dance of Anger" - Harriet Goldhor Lerner. It is a book about how to deal with your anger in relationships. I read it but find it hard to actually apply what I read. I seem to not be able to control my anger. My sister told me to practice on her and it was very hard.
I hope everything is fine with you. Drop me a post when you can. Take care.
Truelove,
Been lurking a bit. Wanted to say I'll check that book out since I've heard of it. Also found Marianne Williamson's books on anger and forgiveness helpful and had things I could apply myself internally and behaviorally. She wrote a few books, with couple names such as "Return to Love" and a couple books with the word Anger or forgiveness in them. Also read the "Gift of Change"--optimistic outlook on new life. Got the books on CD and just listened daily to them and did some of the exercises every day for months. I also found some peace within. Thank God, literally. Now in "piecing together" section, am reading the 5 Love Languages and wish I'd read them before. Oh well. Better late than never.
Good luck,
j-
Dear Imlin,
As a 12 stepper,I am moved and saddened to read your words. I THINK some random journalling may give you a little info or insight but if it's a waste or inapplicable to your sitch, I do apologize. Your H is not well in so many ways. How would you feel if he ran over a child, or a pregnant woman or a man who is providing for a family? Really think about that. Losing your house maybe, and what your kids would feel. You are modelling so many things now, and they must see someone who is healthy in life, and happy and making consciously good choices. Like your H, My dad was an alcoholic and a diabetic, which sucked as a combination. When he got liver cancer, he was not eligible for a transplant due to the diabetes, which got worse b/c of alchohol, a lot worse. And liver cancer mainly strikes drinkers in our country. He died b/c of his drinking. But that doesn't sum him up and neither does this medical problem say it all about your H.
But it is controlling everyone's lives, and he is making a choice. And so are you.
FWIW, I can tell you that once 90 days are reached, a lot of immediate physical fog is lifted, so thinking is clearer, but emotions may not be. I noticed that in my group, the men were far behind most of the women in identifying issues or confronting them b/c they never had. So if he has never addressed psych issues from childhood, they'll flood in now. And you will be targeted for much of the present day problems. Recovering drinkers don't have the best (or worst) record for making their marriages work. I remember many of them divorcing AFTER getting sober, and it seemed weird to me. But common. My personal problem arose after surgery and with pain pills. So I didn't have a life time of an addiction to deal with and I knew life could be fine without being buzzed. That was huge, huge huge. MANY addicts/alcoholics cannot imagine a sober life being fun or without lots of pain. I do suggest renting comedies and getting as much laughter in your life as possible. The more he laught without a buzz, the better. Same with intimacy activities. The more intimacy without booze, the better. Laughing and ml and playing with the kids are all "proof" that life without booze does not have to suck. And life WITH booze, for your H, DOES SUCK, and worse.
Sobriety changes those who achieve it, and usually does accompany a spiritual awakening which is hopefully accompanied by a renewal of existing commitments and a concomittant spiritual awakening in you and your family. Sounds like you have that covered.
My H didn't leave me when I went to rehab but when I look back at it, I see that I did it on my own, with God's help and the help of strangers I was lucky enought to have as my help. My H didn't know what to do about it and was terrified it'd hurt his career if it got out, which was not paranoid, but a bit selfish. I also was shame filled so I probably shut him out of the wrost parts. No dramatic crying jags in the ER for me, thank God. Did I feel that H was not really there for me then? In some ways, and Yes, I forgive him. And I asked for his forgiveness and eventually he gave it to me. I now have 10 years and it was my H who had the MLC. Guess we're even now...????
I'm rambling. Sorry to hijack and good luck.
j-
25...
Your hijack was appreciated....
We do watch a lot of comedy and actually my H is very much a comedian....so are the kids....so laughter is usually present...
H was touch and go early in our relationship with alcohol....we were young and it was more of the party time thing then....after we got down to having a family he got serious about his relationship with God and being a dad....he never had a real dad as his dad was an alcoholic, woman abuser, and pedophile....but H was wonderful as a husband and father....for years there was rarely any problem with it until about 7-8 years ago when his mini-MLC came up...then it died down and things were okay...now when the HUGE-MLC exploded that is when the drinking really got out of control...he admits before when he made the decision not to drink it wasn't hard....but this time it was...and he was having blackouts when he did drink which scared him....
The good news is the doctors have said his drinking doesn't show in his health...in all of his blood tests and physicals they would not be able to peg him as an alcoholic as they usually can with the cronic drinkers....not to say it isn't still serious...
I am wondering now if he subconsciously sabbotaged himself...his relapse was 3 days before his 90 days of sobriety... I wonder if he is really really afraid of how to deal with all of this....
His sister is ready to help when he wants to talk....she endured what he did....but doesn't remember all that he does....she is a recovered drug addict of 12-14 years now....she faced her demons at a younger age and she was very successful....her counselors told her that only 3% of those in her situation beat it....she was determined....she never relapsed....but then as her and I stated....drugs are not in the grocery store, the gas stations, the corner market, the restaurant.....alcohol is socially acceptable....
I am learning to not ask him to talk when I see him depressed....I just give him some room but let him know I love him and am there if he needs me....his friends are rallied around too....our elders were very kind with him when they talked to him about his relapse and told him that they would be there day or night if he needed to talk....they want him to feel loved....because he is...of course after that discussion with them he went into a deep depression for about 2 days....and your right, I was the target of his anger...and this time I just let it go...didn't ask why he was mad....what I had done...just waited it out....
He has a battle ahead of him....but he also has a very loving and understanding family with a huge family of close friends....my son is the only one who really doesn't understand all of what is going on....the girls totally do so that is a help for them...
H also decided to go of anti-depression meds unknown to me until the relapse...he feels it was a rebound from that....but he said he wants to feel the feelings that he has suppressed for so many years....and he couldn't do that with the meds...not to mention he was really working on getting his health in order and having been somewhat impotent for a while the meds killed all desire and feelings....so he wanted it gone so he could experience desires WITH me....and not just go through the motions...I actually did notice a difference, looking back, when he stopped taking the meds....but I will discuss this with his doctor because I think before it is all over he might need them again when going deep in his therapy.....
Ok...so now you have more of my picture...and again I thank you for sharing yours....
Dear ImL,
before I forget, most successful recovering addicts/alcoholics relapse twice, or so I read. It's usually a step IN the recovery, if that makes sense. And your sister's comments about drugs not being as available as alcohol is true to most middle class whites. No one toasts with Vicodin nor do I have to turn down offers at parties....so it would be harder to quit drinking, at least socially. I do get that. My dad was French and his avocation was being a chef, so wine was very hard to overlook. But a friend of mine in rehab told me, (and he was African American) when he'd go outside to get his newspaper, a dealer would be there pushing crack onto him....so we are lucky in that sense.
Gotta go back to your post.
j-
Hi ImLIN,
Just checking on you. Take care.
Thanks for checking in on me ImLIN, I appreciate that and wanted to find you and tell you.
Hi ImLin,
I hope you are OK. Would you please have a look at my thread when you have time? You seem to have dealt with financial stuff. Can you give me any advice.?
thanks and take care
Hi ImLin,
How are things? I hope you have a lovely Valentine's Day. Take care.
You and your H are in my prayers sweets)))))