Wife showing signs of MLC - 09/14/18 09:19 PM
Newbie here. A little about me and my relationship...
Me 39
W 39
T 23 Yrs
S 22
S 20
D 16
All still at home.
Met her 2nd year in high school. Been with her since (except seperated once before at around 20 yrs old for 6 months and she came back). Never M but living together for 23 years. R was average (regular ups and downs) with W putting a bit more effort the majority of time. I did some cheating and she caught me well into my late 20's but matured and never again for the sake of my fam. Love felt strong from her for the most part. Grew mostly together for the most part (have alot in common throughout the R. i.e., Foods, TV Shows, Vacation spots, both Gym rat bodybuilders, both alcohol free, drug free, inseperable).
Never new about MLC until recently.
Fast forward to about 6/2015, I began to neglect my R and even went on to insult my W. =( Not sure if I was starting to have some sort of MLC myself or was simply was wearing myself down with a physical job and going to the gym everyday. I felt irritated and came down with ED, also began getting curious about new adventures, but never had a PA or EA during this time. Never DB'ed her although I would question myself if I still loved her and deep down it was always a "yes, hang in there".
Well, I began to come around and being my old self at around 9/2017 when I had to take a break from the gym due to an injury i had sustained. Everything seemed to start getting better between us, back to our old routine and ways. ED was gone. Irritation was gone.
Then, on thanksgiving 11/2017, I noticed a change in her. Began to suspect a PA or EA. Asked her what was wrong and she wouldnt tell me but would cry.
On 12/17/17, I caught W lieing to me about staying at work extra hours. Later confirmed she was at a dance bar with female co worker, however at confrontation about the lie i received the BD. Said "I Love you, but not the same as before", "I wont fight for your love anymore". Blamed my insult and neglect of the R for feeling this way. Says she held it in for a long time. Says she wasnt mad at me, just didnt love me the same anymore.
We decided to try to work things out. Began going out on dates, everything to try and re-kindle love. Gave her gifts, etc. But I never saw improvement on her part, no affection, no change. Felt I was doing all the work alone. Slowly but surely things began to get worse.
3 months in after BD (3/2018), I asked her if she felt any better? She would cry and say she didn't understand why she was feeling that way but was starting to feel worse. Couldnt explain to me what she was feeling. Began requesting "space" and "time-off" from each other.
By 6/1/2018 I couldnt take it anymore, so I told her if she didnt love me the same anymore she can leave the relationship and walk out on us. She agreed to seperate and no longer be a couple, but she wasnt leaving. Niether was I. We have a 2 yr lease we cannot get out of and neither really has a place they want to go. This is when she began the full blown anger and resentment stage. Waking up looking and acting like the excorcist on some days.
Currently living together but seperated. Since then, I have tried many tactics to win her back with no effect. I tried making her fall back in love (gifts, compliments, compassion, love), despite her anger and resentment. Always wanting to pick a fight.
For a while, I began to go silent. No talking unless she initiated. Seemed to work for a bit as she began conversating more, and even went out with me and my kids to eat. Shared the food with her, had a great time. Carried on to the following day where we worked out together, laughed joked etc. Only to be stonewalled after our workout. She went dead cold. Wall went back up and hated me again. Wasnt sure what I did wrong. Thats when I began to learn about MLC.
Shes been withdrawing further and further ever since. Has always payed attention to my kids, but seems like that is getting worse with time.
Just 2 weeks ago, I decided to go dark as much as I could. Nothing has changed other than her withdrawing further. We are like 2 passing ships at night not saying anything anymore. I use to say good morning, good night. I use to try and conversate with her, but it was more like an interview.
She started buying lots of makeup, new clothes, getting out and doing things she wasnt doing before, buying new creams to look young. She recently started seeking out old high school friends.
Shes never really lived a party life, doesnt like to drink, never really had circle of friends (dedicated wife with a good job, but bad influence divorced coworkers). I did suspect a PA or EA with coworker, but never found concrete.
She shows multiple signs of an MLC...I sure hope she snaps out of it soon. I try not to get caught up in the whole timeline thing as I know each person and R is different, but I'm starting to wonder what are my chances she comes back. How much more damage is she going to cause? From most of what I have read on here, it seems most of the cases were 2+ yrs. Im 9 months in since BD and can't even imagine what 2 years of this would feel like. = /
It [censored] dealing with this on a daily basis. I havent fully detached, but there are good days (where i feel detached) and bad days (where here actions affect me). Slowly but surely, I am also closing a few doors (financially) on her. Everything has been her way as of now, but I have to start setting boundaries. Im a bit nervous as I know this may cause an argument.
Seems like most who post here are either still waiting or moved on. I assume thats partly because those who reconcile probably dont come back to post their success??
Thanks for the support. Glad I found this forum. Good info.
Me 39
W 39
T 23 Yrs
S 22
S 20
D 16
All still at home.
Met her 2nd year in high school. Been with her since (except seperated once before at around 20 yrs old for 6 months and she came back). Never M but living together for 23 years. R was average (regular ups and downs) with W putting a bit more effort the majority of time. I did some cheating and she caught me well into my late 20's but matured and never again for the sake of my fam. Love felt strong from her for the most part. Grew mostly together for the most part (have alot in common throughout the R. i.e., Foods, TV Shows, Vacation spots, both Gym rat bodybuilders, both alcohol free, drug free, inseperable).
Never new about MLC until recently.
Fast forward to about 6/2015, I began to neglect my R and even went on to insult my W. =( Not sure if I was starting to have some sort of MLC myself or was simply was wearing myself down with a physical job and going to the gym everyday. I felt irritated and came down with ED, also began getting curious about new adventures, but never had a PA or EA during this time. Never DB'ed her although I would question myself if I still loved her and deep down it was always a "yes, hang in there".
Well, I began to come around and being my old self at around 9/2017 when I had to take a break from the gym due to an injury i had sustained. Everything seemed to start getting better between us, back to our old routine and ways. ED was gone. Irritation was gone.
Then, on thanksgiving 11/2017, I noticed a change in her. Began to suspect a PA or EA. Asked her what was wrong and she wouldnt tell me but would cry.
On 12/17/17, I caught W lieing to me about staying at work extra hours. Later confirmed she was at a dance bar with female co worker, however at confrontation about the lie i received the BD. Said "I Love you, but not the same as before", "I wont fight for your love anymore". Blamed my insult and neglect of the R for feeling this way. Says she held it in for a long time. Says she wasnt mad at me, just didnt love me the same anymore.
We decided to try to work things out. Began going out on dates, everything to try and re-kindle love. Gave her gifts, etc. But I never saw improvement on her part, no affection, no change. Felt I was doing all the work alone. Slowly but surely things began to get worse.
3 months in after BD (3/2018), I asked her if she felt any better? She would cry and say she didn't understand why she was feeling that way but was starting to feel worse. Couldnt explain to me what she was feeling. Began requesting "space" and "time-off" from each other.
By 6/1/2018 I couldnt take it anymore, so I told her if she didnt love me the same anymore she can leave the relationship and walk out on us. She agreed to seperate and no longer be a couple, but she wasnt leaving. Niether was I. We have a 2 yr lease we cannot get out of and neither really has a place they want to go. This is when she began the full blown anger and resentment stage. Waking up looking and acting like the excorcist on some days.
Currently living together but seperated. Since then, I have tried many tactics to win her back with no effect. I tried making her fall back in love (gifts, compliments, compassion, love), despite her anger and resentment. Always wanting to pick a fight.
For a while, I began to go silent. No talking unless she initiated. Seemed to work for a bit as she began conversating more, and even went out with me and my kids to eat. Shared the food with her, had a great time. Carried on to the following day where we worked out together, laughed joked etc. Only to be stonewalled after our workout. She went dead cold. Wall went back up and hated me again. Wasnt sure what I did wrong. Thats when I began to learn about MLC.
Shes been withdrawing further and further ever since. Has always payed attention to my kids, but seems like that is getting worse with time.
Just 2 weeks ago, I decided to go dark as much as I could. Nothing has changed other than her withdrawing further. We are like 2 passing ships at night not saying anything anymore. I use to say good morning, good night. I use to try and conversate with her, but it was more like an interview.
She started buying lots of makeup, new clothes, getting out and doing things she wasnt doing before, buying new creams to look young. She recently started seeking out old high school friends.
Shes never really lived a party life, doesnt like to drink, never really had circle of friends (dedicated wife with a good job, but bad influence divorced coworkers). I did suspect a PA or EA with coworker, but never found concrete.
She shows multiple signs of an MLC...I sure hope she snaps out of it soon. I try not to get caught up in the whole timeline thing as I know each person and R is different, but I'm starting to wonder what are my chances she comes back. How much more damage is she going to cause? From most of what I have read on here, it seems most of the cases were 2+ yrs. Im 9 months in since BD and can't even imagine what 2 years of this would feel like. = /
It [censored] dealing with this on a daily basis. I havent fully detached, but there are good days (where i feel detached) and bad days (where here actions affect me). Slowly but surely, I am also closing a few doors (financially) on her. Everything has been her way as of now, but I have to start setting boundaries. Im a bit nervous as I know this may cause an argument.
Seems like most who post here are either still waiting or moved on. I assume thats partly because those who reconcile probably dont come back to post their success??
Thanks for the support. Glad I found this forum. Good info.