Previous thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2805286#Post2805286Too sad today to explain any of it! But deeply appreciative of those who have been helping me this week, esp DnJ, Job and Gordie. Love you guys.
I will say this, because I saw that there were 1700 views of my thread, so I guess other people are reading it. I want to say that I still have faith in God's plan, or at least I am praying to get that faith back with full force. I still love my H. I still want to restore our M and I still believe it is possible. Right now I am having to face D, something I never thought I would have to do. I don't understand why God is allowing this but I want to believe he has a good reason for it, and I am praying now for discernment as He walks with me through this furnace. If God is allowing this, it must be the door he wants to open. If He wants me to go to battle with my H to protect and nurture my kids, He must be preparing me to do that with courage and clarity, battling without losing myself to the darkness I have to enter.
I just want to say that here for those who are watching, to say that I haven't lost my faith, or at least that I am clutching at it. Even if my H doesn't ever come out of this, I still believe that God's plan is for restoration, even if my H continues to say no to God's plan.
This came into my inbox today. It's mucho Christian so I know it's not for everyone. But for anyone following my thread in order to try to keep standing, I thought I would post it here.
TRUST GOD’S PLAN
by Laurie in Canada
Monday, September 10, 2018
I have been asked this question many, many times in the years I have been faithful to my vows. It is a common question that I would wager a bet most if not all of us have been asked during the course of our journey. This one question that we are all asked by multiple people will determine what others will think of God and Christianity. How we behave and how we hold ourselves will either attract or detract from God. Are people looking at you with pity? Or are people looking at you with wonder?
If your stand is only to have your husband or wife return to you, then you will be fighting an uphill battle, with plenty of doubt and fear. You will be watching your spouse' s every move and trying to figure out if your suddenly is near or if you have misheard God telling you to stand for your marriage.
Perhaps there is a better way. Or perhaps this is not really about your marriage or your spouse. It is about God and your commitment to Him and keeping your covenant to Him. It really does not matter what your spouse is doing or saying, nor does it matter if God will restore or not restore your marriage. What matters is this. YOU made a commitment to God and your spouse, it is now time to decide if you are willing to keep that commitment or not. It is now time to decide if you are willing to trust God's plan for your life no matter what the results may be. Do you trust Him?
Romans 8:28 says, And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Do you believe that? If you do then why the worry? Why the doubt? Trust that if you spouse is not home then there is a good reason for it. God knows the reason; do you trust Him?
God hates divorce and He has made that very clear in scripture, so now we are to decide if we are going to obey Him and stand on our vows not knowing if God will move or when He will move. Are we going to stand because we know His commands and are willing to follow them even when it hurts?
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” John 14:15
Do you? Do you love him enough to deny your flesh and stand in the gap for no other reason than he has commanded that of you?
I know this devotional is not soft or gentle, but it is what I believe standing is all about:
It is standing for what is right not what is easy.
It is standing for the glory of God not for the result we want.
It is standing on our vows and covenant to God.
It is standing against the desire for instant gratification.
It is standing in the gap for our families.
It is standing to shine a light on God's Word and our joy in following it.
It is standing to lead others to God and His saving grace.
It is standing because we said the words and we are willing to live by them.
It is standing because this life is a blink of an eye but eternal life is waiting.
Lastly we are standing for our spouse to come to God and rejoin their family.
If you take your eyes off the results and put them on God and His plan, trusting that no matter what the results are you are willing to finish the race, finish what you started, I believe God will honor you. I believe God will bless you in ways you may not expect. God wants you! He wants all of you, and trust me when I say He knows your heart. He knows if you are standing for HIM or for your spouse.
Put no one before God, not your spouse, not your children, no one.
Matthew 6:33 tells you, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Do you believe this?
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2
Maybe, just maybe, God is testing your heart to see if your motives are good and acceptable.
Take some time and decide if the plans God had for you did not include marriage restoration, would you fall away and forsake your vows? Are your vows contingent on what God will do for you or are they because of what you will do for God? Are you willing to forsake all others as you vowed to do for the rest of your life because God asked you to?
I believe God will restore your life and your marriage if it will glorify HIM. I believe God will use you and your pain if you allow HIM to restore you and your life.
But you need to give it to Him and trust Him all the way, even in the darkness of the tunnel. KNOW He is there with you.
You have been called as a warrior of God. You have been called to show the world you WILL stand for God and His Word! This is an honor and You will be victorious when you allow Him to do whatever He wishes in your life.
God Bless and Stand Strong in Christ,
Laurie in Canada
Gerda, you have been given amazingly good advice and I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you (((cwtch)))
Thank you for the love, Westo. It means so much. Wish I could come and have a steaming mug of tea and look out at some Welsh countryside and sigh over life's sorrows with you.
It is a lot of equity, far too much for me to buy him out unless once we added in all the debts we share (which are massive) and then maybe took out child support til the kids are 18, maybe then the amount would be low enough that I could do something crazy to figure out a way. I am in this strange situation of having a house worth a lot more than we owe on it, but having so little income (plus the siphon of MLC) that I can't afford to get the kids to the dentist. If we have to sell it, we will have to leave where we live and lose at least half a million dollars to capital gains tax, but I will only be able to afford maybe a 2-bedroom where we live, and there will be a monthly maintenance in any building around here that is as much as monthly rent where many of you live Right now we live in a pretty big apartment for free, as the rentals in the apartments below ours cover our huge mortgage.
And yet you are thousands of dollars short of the mortgage this month? You keep saying somewhat contradictory things about your financial picture. If you would owe $500,000 in capital gains taxes, then that must mean you would realize $2.5 million from the sale of the property (as capital gains taxes are 20%)? If so, then you could take your $1.25 million share from that sale, move somewhere that $1.25 million will buy you another rental property that you can live in and generate income (using a 1031 exchange will avoid the capital gains taxes I believe) and yes, consider getting some kind of outside work to generate more income as well if you need it. ( Now if the truth is that most of that capital would be gone to pay debts then you have to face your financial reality. )
I truly DO believe your H is mentally ill or on drugs - I know you said he always spoke that way but his writing, to me, sounds truly crazy. That being said - his main complaint is that he feels you control everything and truth be told, trying to force him into staying married and not selling the building even though it is putting you underwater financially .......sounds pretty controlling.
There's a difference between a religious belief in standing - that is, caring for your spouse and leaving the door open for him to come back - and stubbornly believing that he WILL come back and that there is no other future for you than to be married to him. The latter is frankly pretty controlling.
I never wanted my ex to leave and I worked very hard to try to keep our marriage together. I still think he made a bad decision. BUT - it's not up to me to force my image of what I thought our future would be upon him.
I agree that you SHOULD ask for a psychiatric assessment - it would be nice not to have H squander away his half of the spousal equity and then end up back on your doorstep. I would ABSOLUTELY stop giving him money. And I agree with everyone else - you need a lawyer AND a good tax accountant to ensure that you get out of this with enough for you and the kids. You might also need a financial advisor to help you figure out how to get out of your current financial morass.
Kml, cap gains tax is 28%, and we have a lot of debt, so it would probably not be even 1 million each, but where I live, 1 million gets you a small 2 bedroom apartment with a monthly maintenance of $2000 a month. So I would have to leave where I live and start over somewhere else in a place where I couldn't afford the maintenance. I am not sure I could even get approved for anything with my income. As I have two separate careers here (many different clients/colleges) as well as my church community and friends who are like family for my kids who have already lost so much else, I would rather stay put.
My house is also my business, earning a tidy sum that could cover the mortgage and renovations if we didn't have so much debt. And my house is all I have to offer my kids for their futures -- college or anything else. I have no retirement and no savings, and my earnings are not great, and clearly I can never hope for my H to provide anything for them. I accept that I may lose it, but I also plan to fight for it first.
Believe it or not, I might have actually already investigated all these things pragmatically and come to conclusions that are based on reality. I am a very savvy businesswoman but MLC caused a lot of financial woe for us as we ran two businesses together, and I am digging out of a huge hole with a very small shovel.
I have no idea how you came to your understandings of my faith, my situation or my outlook on whether or not my H stays. Maybe you are just skimming a couple of posts or maybe we are just so different that we could never understand each other. But I will just say -- I have not spoken to H about our R in many years and have said maybe three lines over five years about even the adultery. He most certainly does not have an impression that I am holding him to anything. My stand is very quiet and between me and God and a couple of Christian friends. And friends here. I let H go in my heart long ago and recently I asked him to go physically, but he won't leave. I prefer that he leaves now and I hope that one day he wakes up from his nightmare and comes back to himself, he was an amazing man before -- but now I am just having to gear up to help my kids and that has to be my focus.
I still try to pray for my H everyday, for him to find peace and return to God. Not to me, to God.
He may never come back to God, let alone me, and I may not be able to keep my house. I accept that.
If H squandered everything and ended up on my doorstep, he is always welcome.
So I guess that you are always welcome on my thread too. But it must be very frustrating to you to see me so stubbornly unable to see things your way. And it is very hard for me to consider what you say, because you really never provide any day-to-day friendship, you just barrel in once in a while to give me a couple of slaps and lay down the law.
But thank you for taking the time to think about me.
Job, I have read your last post over many times. It really is very helpful. You always help me get my head clearer but you do it with a lot of compassion.
I find that the pain is like a constant fire in my heart. My head comes up with good things and I am doing a lot of what you say now as far as my actions, even keeping a little book recording things that I observe, but the bodily pain feels unbearable right now. I know that this can get better -- I know that either he will finally leave and I will have some peace and healing while I continue to stand (because I am now standing in total torment because he is here in front of me all the time) or that he will at some point wake up and I will be able to have the peace of working towards restoration. Either way, there is more peace in my future. But that time seems so far away, the thought of bearing this pain for the duration of these proceedings, which could be a long time, is killing me.
Gerda - I am glad to read about your decision to fight for your house. Good for you.
How is daughter liking school? Has son settled down in his new school?
That bodily pain is something else, isn’t it. At times unbearable and unceasing. You are corrrect, things will get better. Continue walking through the pain, get to the other, get detached, the pain does end - I guarantee it.
I am running a bit behind this morning - I will talk more later.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
Thank you for the morning greeting and encouragement, as ever! You are the best!
I have been doing a 9-day novena for clarity and discernment, and in the last few days, I got a few really clear messages that have in fact given me clarity.
Some came from people, including people here -- and as you have pointed out, even those I heartily disagreed with gave me clarity, though I did not enjoy the conversation!
Last night I was on my way home from a class I am taking to further one of my careers, biking down the avenue, and I was praying to God, remember, I am asking you for clarity in my novena, give me clarity, and right at that moment I passed a woman whose shirt said, "l'amour triomphe de tout," which means, "Love triumphs over all." I had to stop the bike and just stand there for a few moments. There have been a few things like that this week -- including realizing that the house is not a matter of his and mine, it's a matter of our kids' futures, and his wanting it to live on is part of his selfishness, it's not me blocking him from being free, it's me protecting my kids ability to go to college! And that maybe having to hear that in court will help him. Even if the court doesn't agree, at least he will have to hear it.
I openly refuse to talk to my H right now, even if he asks me about the kids, I find that I can't really answer. I just need to be as dark as possible. But I wrote him a note. It's really the first time I have said anything about our R in ages, except the note asking him to go to our rental cabin during the week. But I am happy with it, it gave me peace to say it once and have it clear --
I am sorry that I can't speak with you but I am in a great deal of pain and it is too painful for me to speak with you right now. I was very glad to read in your note that you love me; and I love you too. I am glad to answer any questions about the kids via e-mail but I am not sure I can speak with you right now. I will work on that but as I told you, I need time and space to heal and you have not been able to offer that.
I feel like I want to stay true to myself and my stand for the M even while I have to go dark and battle him in court. It's a tightrope but maybe my novena is working, I do feel a little clarity.
And about the bodily pain -- I also had the thought last night that so many people I admire suffered through a tremendous bodily pain. So many writers I love had horrible sicknesses, some of which eventually killed them. And so many great people changed the world through art or writing or political action despite (or because of!) suffering bodily pain or trouble. Yesterday I decided to start telling myself, Yes, I have a nervous condition that gives me some bodily pain and anxiety. It's just what my body does right now. But if I lost a foot I would still try to live the best life I can. When I had a mastectomy, I kept going and understood that the pain was there but that I could keep living. So I am going to try to think of my bodily suffering that way. I have been trying too hard to make it go away. Maybe for now I just need to learn to live with it and be a person who does great things despite having a terrible bodily pain.
XO
I'm sorry Gerda, I did not realize you are not in the U.S. Here in the states capital gains would be 20% and there are many areas of the country where you could buy a house and have an income on $1 million dollars such that the additional income from your part time work would bring you up to a middle class living.
I understand your desire to keep the house, I'm just trying to make sure you are looking at your financial picture rationally. If the house can pay for itself BUT you make way less than your monthly payments on the other debt, you only have two choices: make more money working outside the home OR downsize and use the equity from the home to pay off the debts. (Unless there is equity in other properties like the vacation home that could be sold and used to pay off debts?). Continuing in your current situation however is not financially viable if you are thousands of dollars short of making the mortgage payments. I know you feel like you are on top of this but I would suggest getting an objective outside person to review your finances and your options with you. Sometimes we all overlook options, especially where emotions are involved.
Also - do not make the classic financial mistake of focusing on the children's college to the neglect of your own retirement. You need to plan for retirement first. The children can take loans for college if they must but you cannot get loans to finance your retirement.
I'm assuming in all of this that your H is not working and bringing in an income outside the home? (And he sounds so crazy in his writings I would doubt he is capable of that.)
Where I live it is not uncommon for a divorce arrangement to include the wife keeping the kids in the family home with her making the payments with an agreement to sell it when the youngest child turns 18 and split the proceeds with the divorced spouse. This may or may not be feasible where you are. Also, if your H isn't working and isn't capable of working you might be on the hook for spousal support.
In your country what are the laws regarding child support and custody? Would you be able to get custody and could he be forced to pay child support if he's not working?
Thank you for your post
And those reminders
I have been thinking a lot about Abraham
Believing in a promise
Even if it was not for his life
How long to sing this song
Psalm 40
Hello Gerda.
I am glad you are finding clarity. Don’t worry if things fog up a bit, it will clear again.
I know you are having a tough time. Just want to remind you, I am thinking about you, praying for you, and hoping for the best. No matter how dark it seems, things will get better, you will be better.
Take care, and all the best
DnJ
DnJ and everyone else, If you can believe it, things got even worse last week. My neighbor (and close friend) freaked out about my son not going to school and called child services again, so I am once again under investigation on top of everything else.
God renewed and restored my faith so I have been walking with some confidence and much less fear. I will post more soon.
DnJ, thank you for being such a good friend. What you said about thinking and praying -- The same for me for you.
Gerda - what is the situation with home schooling in your country? Are you registered with the school district or have you joined some kind of home schooling group? Being a part of something organized may help protect you.
Honestly, I'd be concerned about your ability to focus on home schooling with all that is going on. And if it's keeping you from being able to make more money to get into a stable financial position, you may want to rethink homeschooling this year. (Mind you, I say this as someone who became a (reluctant) home school parent to two of my teens in their high school years so I appreciate both the plusses and minuses.) The world won't likely fall apart if he goes to regular school for a year or so until you have your head above water. Does your husband support you home schooling?
Kml, I don't home school. Not sure where you are finding that. My son has school refusal issues which we are working through and I have him in a special school now.
Gerda, I'm sorry to hear about the situation with child services. Thats a lot to deal with along side all the other things you have on your plate.
Its hard to know what kind of words might be helpful in times like these, but one thing I will remind you of is that a divorce is a piece of paper and nothing more. Your H may be pushing for that...and he may get it. That doesn't mean that feelings are going to magically change if you find yourself in possession of that piece of paper. I don't think that a piece of paper means much in the eyes of God, I think what is in your heart is what matters in that respect. And, from what I know of you, you are standing for many reasons, and your faith is one of them. Even if you DO end up with a divorce, your heart is right where it should be and that is what your stand is really about anyways.
This is a difficult time, but let it flow over you like water on a duck. If you keep your faith and walk your walk and keep true to yourself, what should happen will happen...whatever that may be. Have faith in that!! Divorce is not the end...heck...it may be the beginning of something better. Sometimes a door has to close before another can open...and that new beginning COULD be with your H. But, whatever that future is, it is not today. So, enjoy today and know that even better days are coming!!
Big Bear Hug to YOU!!
Sorry Gerda, I misunderstood about the schooling. If he's in a special school don't they keep track of his attendance? Why is this your "friend"'s business? And what kind of "good friend" reports you to CPS???
Good morning Gerda
How are you doing? I do hope things are getting better for you and your kids.
Don’t worry about responding, I imagine you have a lot going on and a break might just be rejuvenating.
Just dropped in to say hi and let you know I’m thinking about you.
Take care of yourself
DnJ
Thank you so much, DnJ. I do check on my thread but somehow have not had the strength to write about what is going on. It has been awful here but I have had some faith revelations that have been helping me to keep my eye on God. Standing crying in the hallway of the courthouse after turning in a notice of appeal and seeing that a judge was assigned, sitting in the office of a psychiatrist for my son and talking about what is happening and what is going to happen, recording my H's wine bottles and all the other things he does and says or doesn't do and say like the other night when I was knee deep in garbage in the rain and mice jumping out of the cans because my H didn't do the garbage again, all these things written in a little notebook, these moments are so horrifying, a nightmare from which I can't wake up. These things are different from my stand as it has been because before I could do my own thing and try not to focus on H (except as far as my son's troubles are concerned). But now I have to have him and his sin "always before me" as the psalm says, I am having to actually act and do things in this pit of darkness, which means my head has to be looking down at the pit. Figuring out how to be this deep in the pit and still look up at the light is searingly painful but I know that I am doing this. Sometimes peace floods me in the most impossible moments, and I know that God is with me.
I met with this young priest who is visiting my church for a month. He is very young, from Vietnam, and literally glows with light. He is love incarnate, it is incredible to witness. He spoke to me for a long time about what it means to love and talked to me about Saint Monica and how she kept faith with a husband like mine. I still have to do all these horrifying practical things to protect my kids but I want to hold my heart in the light, and one thing he reminded me of is helping me, it was something Mother Theresa said --
I have found the perfect paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
Thank you for the kindness and friendship, DnJ.
sjohn, i have been treasuring your words to me on my thread and yours since the day you wrote them, just haven't been able to write anything. I read what you wrote over and over and thought about it in my darker moments. Praying for you and your W. Just wrote about my priest in last post, I think you will like that too. I keep repeating to myself what you said about the piece of paper and I really want to give my H to God to deal with, it's just the horror of having to do battle in order to hold on to house/kids that gives me despair. I walk around doing the rosary or the chaplet of divine mercy all the time, just clinging to God. The divine mercy gives me so much peace no matter how anxious i have been. But I do always wake up in the morning in terror.
You are a light!
Hello Gerda
I am glad to hear from you. Try not to get discourged, keep moving forward, you are getting stronger everyday.
I understand how H’s behaviour is becoming your focus, the keeping of records and such. Maybe this will help a bit.
You primary focus is you and your kids. Keep that firmly in mind. Your H’s antics are not your focus, just something to note.
...I am having to actually act and do things in this pit of darkness, which means my head has to be looking down at the pit. Figuring out how to be this deep in the pit and still look up at the light is searingly painful but I know that I am doing this.
I still have to do all these horrifying practical things to protect my kids but I want to hold my heart in the light...
Gerda, you can act and do things in the darkness of the pit and still be in the light. You are doing what is necessary because you love your kids and yourself. Your actions are not vengeful, you and your children deserve peace.
H is determined to follow his course of action, there is nothing you can do to dissuade him. I know you love him, well the old H, the new one probably not so much. You want to keep your heart in the light - let him go. Out of your love for him, let him go. His only chance to get through this mess is to be allowed to go through it. Can you, do you, love him enough to let him go?
It is crazy difficult, I know. I won’t lie, it hurts also. However, hanging on and not letting go hurts more. I know you are going down a good path. Trust and have faith, it will get easier and less hurtful.
A useful little tip for you. All those horrifying practical things to protect your kids - you are doing them for the right reasons, so be accurate in your thinking.
There are just practical things to protect your kids - not horrifying, don’t label them as such. If you can see and understand the reasons, which I am sure you do, you will realize your intent is not horrible. Do not label your actions as horrifying.
Looking at this clearly will affect how you think about things and positively affect your beliefs. Please try to see this differently, you do not need to create more pain for yourself, you have enough on your plate.
Mother Theresa’s words are very true and a great beacon to follow.
You do reach a point where you cannot be hurt anymore. It is a wonderful realization. You are not so full of hurt and pain that no more registers, no nothing like that at all. You reach a point where you finally see that you have absorbed and survived the worst your spouse could do to you. All the other hurts and anguish just fade, you become quite fearless and resilient, with an inner strength that may just surprise you. And yes there is still love.
Your friend,
DnJ
Gerda
In those dark days
When it was very difficult to hold myself together
I would go and sit in the quiet of church
Any church
I was hurting so much
I had no words to pray
So that was my prayer
To just present myself to G— on my knees
DnJ, I can't believe I never wrote back to this because I got so much out of reading it. I am so so so tired.
Today was such a truly horrible day. I will write about that next.
But as far as what you are saying -- here's the thing I realized I fear. I think I have made peace with the fact that I need to get sole (physical) custody for the sake of my kids. But I don't know if I will get it. I want to ask the judge to make him move out if he is going to proceed with a D as it is impossibly stressful for me and my S to have him here while waiting (and for my S, he doesn't even know about H filing, he just thinks H wants to leave in a general way), though my D doesn't seem to be as bothered. I don't know if the judge will say he has to move out while this is going on. I don't know if I should even file a motion for the custody before the first hearing because I don't want his lawyer to be prepared for it in advance when I drop the bomb of his drinking and stealing money from my D's wallet and everything else, etc. So I obsess all day about what I will say and then imagine the judge knocking me down. Sometimes people, like my accountant today, will scare the pants off me saying how the judge doesn't like it when you don't have a lawyer, or another friend who went on and on about a friend who was in a mental institution and the judge still gave joint custody. So I obsess over how what I say will not work, of how I will feel like a fool or my H and his lawyer will get some kind of evil victory at the expense of the kids.
It's as if I can't have courage about it because I don't know if it will work. This is a huge stumbling block even in my faith walk. I am stuck somehow.
Gordie, I have thought about this image everyday since I first read what you wrote here. Today I was literally lying on the altar of my church under this big mosaic of Jesus on the cross, and I was thinking of you just sitting there, and how horrible you felt, and how now you feel okay.
But I didn't want to tell myself that you feel okay because W changed her mind because I am trying to accept my circumstances. Not to end my stand for my marriage and my family but because I need to let H go and accept God's will and understand the path on which God is leading me.
So I just thought of you sitting there and me lying there, and then I thought of you sitting there in the same church behind me at the same time, telling me that you remembered feeling like I felt and that a time of peace lay on the other side of all the court hearings and all the misery.
I always pray for you and your W. And for DnJ and Sjohn and SBJ and Westo too.
But today was so beyond bad. I will see if I can post it next but I am not sure I have the energy.
Gerda - Nice to hear from you.
It is really great that you made peace with the custody requirements and the separation. It is a lot to get a handle on.
And yes, you do not know what is going to happen. That is a fear, no doubt. Good on you for recognizing it.
You have a list of possible outcomes that are causing you stress. Asking to have H move out, should I file in advance, judge won’t like if I represent myself, H & L will win, worried about what I will say, worried about looking like a fool.
Ok, all valid worries. I am proud of you. That is a big step, seeing accurately and without denying anything. So what can you do?
Well first let me assure you, I had fears like that too. They do go away - once the ink is dry on the paperwork, until then try not to bite your nails too much.
However, these fears and possible outcomes can be lessened greatly - Get a lawyer.
That will help so very much. When I was in this boat, I was in no mental or emotional state to be negotiating (that would be the best case) or arguing (most probable case) with a lawyer or anyone for that matter.
Your L will have your best interests and only your best interested in mind. They also have knowledge that you need. They can tell you if you should or even can file to have H forced out. You wont be representing yourself so that cancels a couple of fears right away. You will have a much better idea and initial position.
Gerda, it makes sense and it will alleviate some of your obsessing. It will have a positive benefit on your health. This could, and probably will last a while, better have some help.
I know money is tight, I get it. Find the money - this is the most important negotiating you have ever done in your life, and may ever do in you life. Have representation.
Being the best you will be, is not always easy. You owe it to yourself and your kids to provide the best during this time. For me working to being your best is a great way to live in the light and have faith.
I can see you are stuck. So what to do about that stumbling block? Have faith in yourself and those you trust. Actively listen to the advice your are receiving.
Find a way around those stumbling blocks that litter your path. The more blocks you overcome the more positive possible outcomes you will recognize.
Gerda, the first block that you face - is you. All those fears and unknowns make you stuck. Off load that to an L, to someone who is not emotional tied to this, who does not have all those fears. I think you would agree they would better represent you.
I care about you and this is my honest sincere opinion from my head and heart.
(((Gerda)))
DnJ
Gerda,
I am so sorry that you are having a terrible time of it.
Fear can and will paralyze you from making some decisions Tif you allow it to take hold for very long. I agree w/DnJ, you need a lawyer. I realize money is tight at the moment, but a lawyer's advice is worth its weight in gold, especially when you are dealing with someone who is acting out and wants a divorce. He is not getting any better and he'll continue to push and manipulate you until you throw up your hands and say "enough" and give him what he wants...just to get him to go away.
Gerda, please get a lawyer...you need his/her advice before you go in front of a judge. It's better to be prepared and know exactly what you are entitled to than to go in there blindsided. You may be able to work out a payment plan w/a lawyer. Do you have a legal aid office where you live? Sometimes lawyers will do pro bono work to help others who can't afford legal services. You may want to check into that.
Take a deep breath and try to relax a bit today. Worry and anxiety are creating a lot of stress for you and it's not going to help your health. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
DnJ and Job,I really appreciate your care. At the moment I can either make the mortgage payments -- and in fact I can't always make those -- and buy groceries, or pay for a lawyer. I have looked into what it costs and it's not possible for me. I did pay a lawyer for a consultation to the understand the process. And I don't think that H will continue to have a lawyer for that long. I just don't think his friend is going to continue to fund that.
I have not been able to find anyone who would help me for free. My best friend's husband was a lawyer in family court and has been helping me also.
I am also going to go to a law clinic this month, hopefully before the first conference. Keep in mind that I have been representing myself in state supreme court for over a year with that other issue and doing pretty well.
Yes, I would love to have the emotional relief of someone doing all this for me. And if it seems to not be working, I will go to friends to help me pay for more help.
You have said often that the property pays for itself. Then your income needs to come up if you are in such a bind. I know, it's a really difficult time, but what is there that you could do to increase your income at present? You're an intelligent woman, I'm sure there must be some job you could take or some way to increase your income from the work you do now, or some second job or side income you could do. If that's not possible then you may well need to revisit your expectations and sell the property. You can't keep struggling along in this precarious financial way though.
Yes, if my husband leaves, I can convert our apartment so that I can rent out one floor as part of our short-term rentals, and I will make 3000 - 10,000 more per month, depending on how far I go with it. It would be awesome and not very hard to do. I've planned the whole thing out already and I even asked H to stay at our cabin during the weekdays (we rarely rent that place midweek but can almost always get rentals in the city midweek) so that I could do it but he said no. Every year I make a little more in my other work as well.
Gordie, you know what happened today? I had to go to court for my other nightmare thing with the business H and I used to own together, the one that I tried to sell but they never paid me -- and when I got out of that stress pit, I was pretty whipped but I had to turn in a paper to the other court for the D. I walked over there and started crying, then I had to ask around to various women I saw in there for someone to say they mailed the thing to his L and notarize it in front of the clerk, and I found a really nice woman after a few tries, so then I cried again after in relief, then I turned in the paper in a different office and completely started sobbing to the dumbfounded clerk -- But I also thought, that is fine, everyone should cry about this, it's good for the clerk to see that it matters! And then I came out of the courthouse and I could barely walk, I was so sad, could not stop crying, and walking up the street to my bike, I see a young nun approaching, all surrounded by sunlight. So I stopped her and asked her if she would pray with me, and she was so kind and good and light and I was clutching her hand with one hand and clutching this chain link fence with the other and listening to her prayers for peace and clarity and for me to feel God's presence and for H to know God again, both prayers for a miracle and prayers to accept God's will no matter how it all turned out, and I just felt that God really was with me, he had even sent in the big guns right when I needed it.
Left my phone down there so I have to go back now but I am not as destroyed now.
Gerda, I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Remember that God will walk with you thru the rough times. Keep your faith in tact.
Isaiah 43:2 New International Version (NIV)
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Gerda
What a happy ending to your story
A nun or maybe an angel
Figuratively or literally
Your tears are a gift
A cleansing gift
Let it all out
Hello Gerda
Just stopping by to let you know I’m thinking about you and the difficult situation you are in. And to pass on a hug, you might need one. (((Gerda)))
DnJ
Yes, Gordie, she was an angel. She looked like one. And guess what her name was? Emmanuelle. "God is with us."
And you know what else? Last week a really kind young priest I met recently (and told my story) gave me a leather bookmark with Joshua 1:9, which tells us not to be afraid because God is with us. I had just finished this novena asking God to take my fear. And then the next day I had to drive really far away to meet a woman I barely knew from a class I was taking to do this project, and when I walked into her apartment, there on the wall on a big plaque was... Joshua 1:9.
Maybe you are an angel too. You always remind me of something about the light.
Tears, yes. I get that cleansing gift every day. Generally when I start to pray, I know when it starts that I am really talking to God when I start crying. I still think of you sitting in those churches when you were so so so low.
DnJ, I read this last night and boy did I ever need a hug. So your note gave me a smile. Or at least an attempt at one.
Then today I read your note again and boy did I ever need a hug.
Rinse, repeat.
Thank you for being such a good friend. How are the trees?
Gerda
That is beautiful
But I am no angel
Just a sinner in desperate need of forgiveness
Hi Gerda.
The trees are magestic and peaceful as ever. They are trees, they offer their company and protection, they ask for nothing, and yet give everything. Walking among them brings peace.
It is cold here, far earlier than usual. Most of the trees leaves still have not turned, and we have had snow off and on. Something out of place with trees of green in a field of snow. The snow melts soon after the sunrise, and the weather turns to rain.
I am sorry you are having a difficult time. You will make it through this and will be fine. I do understand how unbelievable that assurance sounds to you right now, however I know it is true.
Keep the faith and keep smiling (or trying too).
Love
DnJ
My H is not around much but when he is, I can't look at him or speak to him so I mostly hide upstairs, despite DnJ's previous admonition not to have fear. It's just too much pain and I am already so nervous and sick to my stomach that I need to avoid contact.
When I do see him, he usually asks me where the kids are, and I don't answer. I thought I don't want him to be able to say that I prevent anything with the kids, even though he LIVES here and could see them whenever he wanted to if he made the effort, so I wrote the note, below, and then he wrote the reply below.
I know that this is part of MLC and is nothing surprising to any of you but every time I get anything from him or even see his name on an e-mail in my inbox, I feel like I am going to die. I have my first court appearance on the 23rd and at that time will ask judge to ask him to leave but I don't know if the judge can require that or if I will be able to prove how damaging his presence is to me and the kids. I still believe that one day he could be healed but living with him here and the D looming ahead of me is truly a cross beyond all crosses. He is always gone all day but the morning and then when he returns around dinner is awful, I just stay upstairs or try to go out but don't want to leave kids with him for very long.
Last night for example, my S, who H really hasn't seen in days because he never goes upstairs and that is where my S usually is when he is home, had a massive panic attack. Took me a long while, long walk, lots of talking, to get him to calm down, and he was so worried about me that I did finally tell him about H filing, so he would know that that was why I seemed nervous lately. Then he woke up at 3 am and I had to calm him down all over again. He does not really believe in God but he will hold the rosary to go to sleep. This morning when I woke him for school, I saw that he was still clutching it.
Anyway, here is the note. He keeps using my nickname, it is so weird and so hurtful. And he quotes Christ as if he is doing this as part of his love of Christ?!!!!
My friends, the place where my heart was seems to be full of molten lava most of the day, with a couple of times per day when I notice I am okay, by the grace of God only I guess. I wish I could get a big IRL hug from all of you.
Gerda wrote:
S is on his way home and D is with a friend.
I can answer any questions about the children via e-mail. I don’t know where the wonderful man I knew for half my life is, but I am in too much pain about that to speak to whoever you are now. E-mails about S and D are okay, or if you have an emergency and need my help.
- G
I understand, Gerdsie.
But for the record I don’t — to humbly respond to your verdict of (his name) — feel unwonderful being “whoever I am.” I once felt very unwonderful; I once did not know who I am. I don’t now. I know who I am. I feel wonderful. Rather, I feel more whole, more full. “I have come so that you may have life, and have it to the full.” I will look forward to more fullness and wholeness.
I know you are selective in who you like to give you advice, but I will point out something my attorney told me early on.
Keep it short (no more than 3 lines), one topic at a time (they can't wrap their brains around more than that) and try to keep as much emotion out as you can. The more business-like you are with him, the more he is likely to be with you. Given his penchant for grandiose verbal diarrhea, I wouldn't give him much to cling to. Try to remove any language that he could view as you blaming him (whether that is your goal or not).
I think had you kept your text to the below, you could have avoided the response that sounds like it stung a bit. I'm sure you weren't intending to blame or be argumentative, but I can see how yours in particular would respond as he did.
"S is on his way home and D is with a friend. I'm happy to communicate about the kids, but would prefer to keep it to email for the time being. These are difficult times for all of us."
Maybe this was obvious to everyone, but yesterday I did call an abuse hotline because a friend advised me to get an order of protection to get him out of the house. I realized that I have been living in a situation of emotional abuse. I think knowing it was MLC somehow made me think it was bearable but right now it is not.
I am wondering if anyone knows if getting an order of protection could make things worse for me if his side is somehow able to claim that I am just using that as a strategy.
I don't want any strategy as I don't want to divorce but I do want him out for now. I am in a state of perpetual terror. I thought it was just pain and kept asking myself why I am so scared, he never hits me or anything. But I reallze it's not so much pain as terror.
But I want to maximize my chance of 100% custody so I didn't know if it would be better to just wait for first court appearance and tell judge everything then. I want him out of here so badly, have asked him to leave twice and he won't.
As you know, I’m not religious so can’t ask God for his strength, but I do believe in my strength.
So, with that in mind...I’m giving you all my love and support and I really don’t want to offend, because I know how religious you are.
But.......as an atheist, can’t help but feel maybe...you are putting too much on God?
Do you think it’s maybe time to put Him aside and work on this situation yourself?
Just my two pence worth x
I am glad to read that you finally called an abuse hotline. You are being abused emotionally and mentally day in and day out. What did the hotline suggest?
I'm going to be honest here and say that an order of protection may be granted, but in my area, one is only given if the party seeking the order fears for their life or have already been beaten and/or a threat of being beaten. You may have a difficult time of proving that he's someone you don't trust to be around because you aren't sure he'll take the abuse to the next level...but that is something you would need to discuss when you are seeking additional info on the order.
At this point in time, you need to be thinking of your mental and emotional state. Has it crossed your mind that he may be saying and doing the things he's doing to make his case look great, i.e., that you aren't capable of taking care of the children because of your mental and emotional state? It's crossed my mind a couple of times after reading a few of his responses to you.
Gerda, I realize you've got a lot going on, but you've got to get stronger and toughen up your skin because this man knows just what to do to push your buttons. You are not a mouse, shaking in your shoes. You are a grown woman, a strong woman who has a lot of passion for life and who needs to be strong not only for herself, but for her children. Dig deeper for that inner strength. It is there...you just have dig for it.
Hello Gerda
I am glad you called the hotline your situation sounds abusive.
I also agree with job, you’re not a timid mouse, you are a strong woman. Find that inner strength, I know it is there, you just need to find it.
In my opinion you and I have gotten along fabulously. Everything I have said has always had Gerda’s best interests at heart.
Focusing on you and your kids. Protecting you and your kids. It is difficult and so necessary.
I understand you do not want to divorce. I think you see the need to protect you and the kids. You have questions about the order of protection, and maximizing chances of custody. At the same time not having a strategy towards divorce, and having a strategy on how to respond to H and his divorce.
So some more “In Gerda’s Best Interest” advice. Get a lawyer. I do not want to sound like a broken record, nor do I want to push you away or in a direction you are not ready to go. I am hoping you can see some wisdom and value in this course of action, I think you already do.
With most empathy - you want to maximize your chances of 100% custody, having a L does that. They will know what is possible or not, what to produce as evidence and what would be detrimental and best to keep out. Your state could be like my area, 100% custody is almost impossible if you go to court. However, outside of court the two of you can agree to almost any arrangement. That is why I got the kids, W gave them up.
If that is the only way to get full custody you are going to need to know that and have an L to negotiate. This will sound uncaring, H may sign over custody for something, money, less alimony, whatever. Point is H is not going to tell you, your L and his L might just find a solution outside of court during the back and forth between them. Of course you can get answers about the order of protection also.
Gerda, I would much rather have you at the end of this say “see I told you I didn’t need a lawyer”, than wish you had one. In my opinion the chances of H agreeing to favourable terms is low.
I hope I am not out of line. I do believe that good friends can have these difficult discussions. Besides I would feel terrible if I didn’t speak up to a good friend and give my honest opinion to help with them gathering the facts to make a decision.
I am available for you. If you need, ask, vent, agree, disagree, whatever you need. This is all for you and kids, and your best possible outcome.
DnJ
DnJ and Job, thank you for this. I don't have the money to pay for a lawyer. Even if I were to sell my house, that would be money coming a long time from now. I would gladly have a lawyer if I had the money. I am trying to find one through the abuse route but so far no luck.
Gerda,
Do you have any family that could assist you? Keep searching through the abuse channel about lawyers. The people who are instrumental in helping abuse victims should have someone that you can contact.
Thanks, Job, as ever, for your care. I don't have any family that could assist. So far from what I have learned from calling some legal hotlines and reading up on the court's sites and other sites, the judges do not care about emotional abuse except as it affects the kids. I can't prove emotional abuse there. If we go to trial, it could probably play into the final decisions. I have reached out to my church community and will keep trying to find a way to get more advice and counsel even if I can't actually retain a lawyer.
Today I had the very surreal experience of visiting the domestic abuse center in my city. I kept asking the intake person, what if a judge does not agree that it's abuse, and I was all teary. When I told her about some of the things H has done/said, especially the financial stuff, she just kept saying, "Yes, you need to see a counselor."
It was so surreal. I kept thinking it was a weird movie about someone else, I kept remembering how H was before and wondering what the real H would say about this person I was now telling the intake counselor about.
Then spent the evening dealing with my son's nightly panic attack. I always get him calmed down but he is so scared all the time of losing me. I am finally considering accepting the psychiatrist's desire to give him medication for his anxiety but I am petrified. It goes against everything I believe, but I am just so alone in this, I can't seem to do all I would need to do to attack the anxiety via all the natural methods.
But overall I am actually okay though so extremely overwhelmed with work and how little time I have to do it because my kids are so needy and I have to spend so much time preparing for the court date. Really what I need most of all is someone to come and take care of my kids so I can just get my work done! There is no one in my life to do that.
My son needs me around all the time, it's hard to focus on my work (even though it's mostly on line) with this yawning need.
But mostly I am grateful God has kept me here so I can take care of them through this.
Just keeping on walking, trusting God to untangle this knot somehow or other.
This post sounds kind of pathetic but I am mostly okay.
Hello Gerda
I am glad to hear you visited a domestic abuse center. I am sure that one of their counsellors will provide clarity and insight for you. It is an unfortunate state of society that there is so much abuse and therefore people with so much experience in dealing with it.
I understand you have some concerns towards medication for son’s anxiety. I would encourage you to accept the psychiatrist’s recommendation and trust in his / her professional opinion. I do like the natural approach, however sometimes an engineered solution is a better idea.
It is nice to hear you are ok, even with being so very busy.
You are correct, this knot will get untangled somehow or other. Keep moving forward girl, you’re doing fine.
DnJ
Then spent the evening dealing with my son's nightly panic attack. I always get him calmed down but he is so scared all the time of losing me.
Does he have any other OCD symptoms? Anxiously perseverating on a thought like that can be a sign of OCD. Treatment of OCD might be slightly different (checking for strep antibodies, supplements like 5-HTP or drugs that raise serotonin levels).
More proof that I lost most of my detachment -- I just got a call from an accountant I used long ago saying he has a strange e-mail from H, asking for our 2015-17 taxes. I am just filing 2017 taxes now, which he knows because I had to keep asking him for his W2 and the exchange caused a mean e-mail from him.
I am sure he's just doing it because his gross lawyer needs it for the first appearance or something but the thought of it just made me practically go into convulsions. The thought of him working so hard to make this D happen when he won't even take out the trash or buy the kids an apple all this time. I spent all morning dealing with our tax problems and my other lawsuit after the usual struggle to get my S to school, and then I finally got a chance to sit down and work and got that call and just went into a panic. Have been sitting here reading my Joshua 1:9 over and over again, trying to give my H to God, but I am able to see that I am still in total terror.
What am I so afraid of? I think most of all I am afraid he will have the kids overnight. I am so scared of that. I think they will both be having panic attacks instead of just one.
Then secondly I am afraid he will force the sale of our home.
I am afraid of this evil that has taken even more powerful hold of our lives, I feel like we are swimming in it, his voracious desire to destroy our family unit.
This fear is so toxic.
But so many things have happened that I did fear before that it's hard to put it out of my mind by saying, "Who knows what will happen?" All I can do (besides whatever I can to fight it of course) iis try to accept that these horrible things might come to pass and that I have to trust God to hold my hand through it.
I don't read so much here on these boards about people with my type of sitch -- where the MLC'er is totally out of his mind yet does want the kids. Seems like the worst ones abandon ship, leaving the spouse with the kids. But maybe I am wrong. I can't seem to banish this consuming fear of him taking them and of imagining them being afraid and sad without me, even just for one night!
Gerda,
What I am about to post is not to upset you or scare you, but I am trying to get you to a place where you aren't always afraid and operating from that place of fear and panic because you are too close to the situation and can't always see what we see. Also, are you on any meds for panic/anxiety? If not, you may want to think about that.
What he has asked of the accountant is par for the course. He needs those documents to show the income, as well as taxes paid. It is nothing to be upset about...this is a very normal request. The only thing that I would be concerned about is that your ID number is on them. I would ask the accountant to black out your ID number so that he can't use it down the road on some other document.
Also, his behavior is right on target for someone in crisis. All they care about is divorce and setting themselves free. They think that life is a bed of roses once the divorce is over and done with...but it isn't and he will discover this down the road. As for the children, I honestly do not think he actually wants to take care of them. I think he's pushing this custody issue to hurt you. He knows that you love those kids and would do anything for them. I don't know a lot about your h, but many of them use the kids/custody as a bargaining chip to get what they want. Also, if he does happen to get custody, he's going to look for you to pay child support to him. More money in his pocket if full custody takes place.
Right now, you have to find the peace and calm that you have in other areas. You need to take a huge, deep breath and start thinking clearly. He knows that he's got you right where he wants you, i.e., in panic and nervous mode. He knows just what buttons to push and I hope that I am wrong, but he may even be thinking of presenting you as an unfit mother who is emotionally and mentally unstable. Gerda, it is now time to pull those big girl panties up and start standing your ground and show this man that you aren't going to be standing there shaking in those panties.
He is nothing more than a bully who knows how to get to you. He is thriving on your fear. Do not show him that fear, do not let him see you sweat! Gerda, God is there to help you, but he also wants you to use the tools that he has provided to you and continues to provide each and every day. He is working behind the scenes, but he needs you to do some of the heavy lifting and needs you to put that fear aside, as the devil is most certainly playing his trump cards right now w/your h.
Do not think for one minute that your h will soften towards you. Right now, he is fighting for his freedom and he wants all of the money that he can get and that even includes selling the home and fighting for custody. In order to have a fighting chance, you need to detach and get your backbone straight and start thinking with your head and not your heart. This situation is now a business deal that has gone sour and you need to get stronger and look at him as a business partner who is trying to take you to the cleaners. I know you are scared to death, but you can't allow him to win before you even get a chance to speak to a judge.
Hello Gerda
I read your latest post today at work and have been thinking about it all day. Most of what I was planning on writing job has laid out, very well I might add. I agree with her assessment of his probably reasoning for wanting custody. And Gerda, your H is just being a big bully - stand up to that doofus, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
I do want to speak about fear. You asked a very good question - what am I so afraid of? Your answers are all valid and real. Now let them go. Fear comes from focusing on something that might happen, a possible future event. Focusing on the future can lead to a lot of anxiety as well. The fear comes from within you.
I can almost hear you asking how do I let go of the fear.
From what I have read, you have some targets or goals - I don’t want to have to sell the house. I don’t want a bad custody arrangement, and such.
The mind is interesting in that do and don’t both get similar though processes. What I mean is, if I tell you don’t think of elephants, you are now thing of elephants. Your mind has to think about, conjure up, and then ignore what it is that you are trying not to think about. So the more you think “I do not want to have to sell my house” the more you think of having to selling your house and the more fear you create and more anxious you become.
How about these targets or goals:
I want to be strong.
I want to be confident.
I want to stand up to H.
I want to be happy.
Read then again, out loud. No really - out loud. It doesn’t matter where you are, out loud.
How do you feel? Do any resonate within? Do those feel different?
How about:
I am strong and confident.
I am healing and letting go.
I will stand up to H.
I am happy.
I am being the best I will be.
Try reading them out loud - your brain processes information differently when read aloud.
These are stronger statements (I like these). These are goals to live up too.
At any rate, all of those goals have no fear feedback. I like goals that focus on what you are trying to achieve rather than what you are trying to avoid. Keep focus on attain instead of abstain.
I hope that makes sense.
Focus on what you need to do. Keep protecting yourself and your children. Attain your goals. Set small steps and work towards them.
Faith. I do not know the mysterious working of God and His plan. I do believe He is working within each of us, providing strength and hope when all seems lost, guidance and wisdom in the form of help and advice from others, and calming reflection when surrounded by the tranquility of nature. It is a matter of choice, of free will, to use the tools and help He has provided - or not.
I have no doubt that God was working within those that provided so much hard earned wisdom and advice to me. I chose to leap, to have faith, to listen - I gave myself to Him. I found and trusted some very good people, a great many of which are right here on this forum.
When in the thick of it - I remember not being able to see a way out. Looking back it is so obvious, it is hard to recall just how hidden the path was.
(((Gerda)))
All the best
DnJ
You have both given my food for thought as well as a big heap of love.
I did try your exercise, DnJ, and I will keep trying it until it works.
I will write more later but just wanted to thank you both for the support and also for how well you know me as far as how you write to me, in a way that you know will fit with my beliefs and therefore not allow me to be dismissive of what you are saying.
I think that if H would just leave and go far far away, I would be okay with it all. What is scaring me is him taking the children and also them having to go through the divorce horrors that are about to begin. Losing my house I am afraid of but ready to accept.
I am not sure how to do the things you say with the thought of losing my kids in any way. Last night while I was at the concert my son had a huge panic attack, H would not put D9 to bed and then when he finally did, after 10 pm after letting her watch TV all night. He went to sleep in D's room and S13 was ten feet away spiraling into a panic attack and begging me to come home early from the concert. I was gone for only 3 hours total and for most of that time, I was still not only navigating the parenting but then anxious and worried about my son to the point that I could barely focus on my beloved Ray Lamontagne singing his heart out.. So the thought of H having the kids overnight or of them having to go with him on these lonely father visitation times with him so crazy and toxic, that is what is killing me. The thought of starting a new life with just me and my kids and no H, that is actually appealing and even wonderful to me.
I want him to come out of this one day and come back. I still believe in God's power to soften his heart.
But I don't believe I can do anything about it, and so I want him to go. I just don't want to go through the battle to come.
Gerda,
Your h's lawyer may have advised him not to leave the home. Why? Because it would look like he abandoned you, the children and his home.
I might be wrong in what I am posting, but you and your son sound co-dependent upon each other. You both have some issues w/fear, anxiety and panic. Given that your children are around both of you, they are picking up on all the tension, stress, panic, anxiety and yes, fear. It's not a good situation for any of you and I honestly do not know how to help you, except to say that you and your children (all of you) need to be in counseling to explore what is going on w/the emotions, etc.
If I am wrong, please correct me, but don't you and your h own another place? If so, what about selling it and splitting the proceeds? At least this might give you a bit of a breather from the $$$ he wants.
Think about this...if your tax returns don't look all that hot and you two owe money, then they may not help his case at all.
Just some random thoughts. I'll keep thinking and praying for you and your children.
Hello Gerda
I am going to add to what job has said. Your H probably has received advice not to leave as it would appear as abandonment. It is a tactic for his upcoming battle with you.
Earlier you mentioned how your sitch seems unique in that H is out of his mind but wants the kids, while most others abandon ship and leave the spouse with the kids. I agree that most would find the kids an unwanted responsibility, my W sure did.
So I propose that perhaps your sitch is not so unique and that H is just manipulating you. Either to hurt you, rattle you, get more child support and therefore more money, or something like that. From my own experience the kids were pawns to W and used as such, she offered them, all the responsibility, and all the property, and only took a small amount of money - all to get things settled fast.
That is a possible explanation.
I want to remind you about how I recovered / detached, you even mentioned it a few times. Be accurate.
Accurately looking at my sitch really made a world of difference on two specific fronts. The first is the most obvious - being accurate means you are dealing with what is actually happening, not denying or wishing for something else. You are facing the hard reality of the situation, looking at the facts.
The second big difference is within oneself. It is the fact that you are willing to look at things with accuracy and truth in the forefront. Once you overcome that hurdle, a new plane, a new way of seeing the world will open up to you. It is the way out of the fog.
The first, changes how you deal with things going on and happening around you. The second, changes how you deal with things going on and happening within you.
So let’s look at things accurately. I appologize if this gets a bit strong, it is delivered with a big heap of love.
As job stated your kids are picking up all the stress, panic, anxiety, and fear within your household. They already have enough of their own, and kids may unfortunately internalize this and blame themselves.
I do not believe that things are too far gone with you and children. H’s behaviour is relatively new. You have been in a more equilibrium state or stalemate for many years. I would think that the kids panic attacks are a more recent occurrence and therefore more easily remedied.
Accuracy:
I think that if H would just leave and go far far away, I would be okay with it all.
A while ago that statement was all but impossible for you to say or even hope for. You have come a very long way, and are more detached than you realize.
Losing my house I am afraid of but ready to accept.
Look at that - acceptance. And with acceptance comes less fear. The way you simply state ...I am afraid of but..., and just added it to the end of the paragraph. This has a lot less fear than it used to, and it is because you are coming to terms with this possibility. However the big reason is what is not said above, you are coming to terms with the other possibilities and those are gaining validity within you - you may not lose your home, you are willing to fight and protect you and kids, etc...
What is scaring me is him taking the children and also them having to go through the divorce horrors that are about to begin.
I am not sure how to do the things you say with the thought of losing my kids in any way.
Custody is a big source of fear, along with the unknowns of divorce and its outcome. Once it is resolved, settled, and whichever possibility becomes reality the fear created by an unknown future cannot exist.
I too worried about losing my children. Try not to worry, you will not lose your kids, they will love you, you are their Mom, regardless of where they reside and for how long.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about how did I become fearless? How did I let go of my fear?
My W hurt me more than anyone ever has, and I prolonged my agony and suffering. It really is true - let go or be dragged.
At some point down the path of withdrawal from the addiction, detach, let go, become indifferent, etc..., I started to see clearly and realized I survived and would be fine.
I figured out that W was not continuing to hurt me, was not causing my fear - I was. Yes, initially W caused so much pain and fear, but then I kept feeding it. I was hurting myself by being attached and not letting go. I was causing my own fear with my irrational projections of future events that are realistically unlikely to occur.
I learned that I would be fine with or without W. Currently it is without, and I am fine.
I will be fine with or without kids around. This was a good thing to learn, they are going to leave someday and I will be fine.
W caused me so much pain and fear, there is not really anything else that can cause more. Therefore there is nothing to be afraid of, besides it is in my head anyways.
As I’ve said before, once you’re on the other side of all this you’ll look back and it will be so obvious. When you finally see it, there is no going back, you get it, you are fearless, you are free.
Here it is.
Gerda, you the most important person in all of this. You are more important than a house. You are important than H. You are more important than a marriage. You are more important than your children.
That last one is difficult, and true. You are more important than your children. You must be healthy for you
and your kids. You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. You save yourself, then your can save others.
You lose the fear when you realize your importance and take back control of your life. It is not quick, and it doesn’t happen over night. However, it can happen, it is a matter of choice.
Your health and wellness is most important, you are most important, everything else is secondary. You have to be alright. If you can see that, those fears will just become concerns. That is a bit more than semantics. Fear is paralyzing and debilitating. Concerns are something you can deal with and manage.
Then without fear you can tackle those concerns. Interestingly you have a much better chance at achieving your desired outcome when you are clear headed and not clouded by fear.
Realize your importance, focus on you, detach, let go, loose the fear, find indifference, find forgiveness, etc...
Gerda, I have read every word and post you have wrote and I believe you are closer to getting “it” than you realize.
You are more important than fear.
Drop the fear, pick up yourself.
It’s important.
DnJ
DnJ, I don't know why I would be shocked that you took so much time to write all this for me; your kindness is famous at this point. But I am still shocked. I am so lonely a lot of the time, and even a couple of lines on my thread are such a lift; but this post is above the above and beyond. I have to read it at least three more times before I comment. I like everything you say but I don't know if I have the ears to hear yet.
And I get the oxygen mask metaphor but I have always hated it, even when my marriage was intact and I wasn't Christian. It seems to ask the wrong question to me. Have you ever read the story of Chiara Petrillo? I think she gets closer to what the actual question is.
As for my kids, if H was H, I would be okay when my kids were with him. But if H were H, he wouldn't be doing this. The man in H's body is to my mind very dangerous, and the thought of my kids being with him for more than a few hours at a time scares me not for me but for them. I want to protect them from him. I grew up with a crazy parent. It is incredibly damaging, and I am sure that part of my current fear trajectory is just that old wound flaring up.
I will write more later but I wanted to thank you so much for reading every word I have written and for thinking about my situation with such compassion and understanding -- and for inspiring me with a possible fear-free future, even if I don't understand how yet to do what you did.
Job, I really appreciate all your thoughts and ideas and how much care you show for me. If I could, I would sit down at the table with you here with a big pot of tea and a big slice of this pie I am going to make right now --
http://www.asunflowerlife.com/2012/07/marion-cunninghams-crustless-coconut.htmlMy mom used to make this pie, and I always think of her when I do. She was my first MLC experience, from the ripe old age of 13-18 or maybe 21, I experienced what I know now was her MLC and the horrors of my parents' divorce. As I wrote just now to DnJ, I think half of my current fear/anxiety/pain is just the remnants of that. My H's MLC is a double whammy because it's also a huge trigger for my own past pain growing up with someone just like that. I'm not sure she came out of it, at least in terms of understanding what she had done; but she was a lot nicer later. But when she died, I was able to forgive everything, to see all that was good about her, and to regret not being able to when she was alive. (I hope she knows that now.)
Enjoy the virtual pie and sending you love and thanks, will read what you wrote a couple hundred times. Also read Jack the Bean's sticky three times last night, it was almost as helpful to dispel my pain fog (at least for a few hours) as doing the Divine Mercy!
Gerda
I am sorry to hear of all your pain
I am sending you a virtual hug
I know there are the abandoners like DNJ Oneart Butterfly
My w was not one of them
She thought she would be happy if she just got rid of me
She would keep home and kids and I would disappear
As you know I did not play along
She did not like that one bit
It ruined her fantasy
You are in the worst of the storm
Your H is still clinging to his version of reality
And your actions are clashing with it
Stay strong
Remember the persistent widow
It will eventually get better
Hello Gerda
As I said it may be a bit strong, and comes with a big healing helping of love and care.
Don’t worry about not having the ears to hear it all yet. I know I didn’t - well actually I thought I didn’t but one does hear, it just takes time to process.
By the way that oxygen mask metaphor, I’ve always hated it, I still do. However, as much as I hate it, it is true. Even now, and should be knowing better, I like to fight it.
Come on, I am a strong and confident man again. I can save my kids and others first, I have reserves, I can make it. Well, no. That is not how things work. I found that out - the hard way - much very hard wisdom being passed on right now.
Perhaps I can find a better metaphor, although I think the problem is not in the words, it is within the listener (me).
You touched on something - possibilities. I believe in possibilities, it is where Hope lives and resides. I can see a fear-free future for you, for sure. Find that possible future, hope for that future. You don’t know how to get there and that is fine - you make your own path, you follow that hope, and you will get there. I know it is possible!
Maybe you do not see it, but from my side of the screen you are making progress. I am looking forward to reading about your successes and overcoming of obstacles. I mean that Gerda.
DnJ
DnJ and Gordie, I keep reading your last posts, they are sustenance in two very unique voices and perspectives, but both so clear and true.
Gordie, yes, that persistent widow!!!! But you know lately I keep thinking that I have to trust God even if it seems like he is not listening to my requests, that if I follow him, he will meet me there, even if the path leads to the pit, like the girl with the string in The Princess and the Goblin. When I think like this, I have peace and total trust and no fear-- e.g., that I may have to walk straight into the furnace, but He will meet me there if I walk the path He set, and that I will find myself totally transformed in Him, even if I don't find my H there too.
DnJ, you definitely know my weaknesses, and I am glad you know my strengths as well, and that you take the time to remind me of them. You are helping me more than you know!
I have things to say and report but am drowning in work and trying to prepare my motion for my first court date. I reconnected with an old friend whose wife hit MLC at the same time as my H did (but she immediately left him and kids and had baby with OM) and he has been giving me all his documents and motions, etc. He had a good lawyer too, and his process took 3 long ugly years. He has been so so helpful, and his docs are almost a template for me.
Good Morning Gerda
It is nice to hear from you, I was a little concerned, I am a passionate individual especially with someone or something I care about.
Wow, your friend’s W left and had a baby with OM, and three long years. This MLC extracts such a toll from all involved. I am glad they are willing to share their knowledge and template documentation with you. You are being cared for having them in you corner.
It is not surprising you are next to drowning in work, you have a lot going on. Make sure you schedule some Gerda time every now and then. Easier said than done - I know.
Best of luck with the first court appearance. Stay strong, don’t waiver - just do what you have to do. After you can let the emotions out.
How are the kids doing with all this? A lot of “new” information is now out in the open. I do hope they are managing alright.
Thinking about and praying for you and kids.
DnJ
DnJ oh oh oh
horrible horrible day
divorce court is literally h@ll on earth
and my husband refuses to leave
his lawyer kept laughing at me
judge is not a nice lady
apparently i got the worst one
I had to file a motion after the conference because no one would listen to anything I said
they just want you to settle fast and get out
no one cares about the kids at all
so i had to file a motion to try to get heard
will be going back to court many times over
and I imagine his friend will get tired of paying
I am going to try to get a law guardian for the kids but apparently it's very expensive
I have no way to pay for any of this unless my husband moves out and I can rent out half of our apartment
then i would be fine
but he refuses to leave
i think I am channeling gordie
I miss you all and I don't even know what you look like
but I am clinging to your compassion and total empathy right now
on this horrible stormy salty miserable sea
don't worry, I was tough in court
but I didn't really get heard
and had to watch all those miserable other people there to divorce
what a disgusting business
the end of our culture
the crucifixion of the modern age
Gerda,
I am really sorry you had to deal with that situation today. I had a feeling it would probably turn out this way. Very unprofessional of his lawyer to laugh at you...but you don't know what your h has told him. His lawyer, for now, probably believes everything he says.
Unfortunately, you really and truly need to hire a lawyer. I know that you can't afford one...but you need to find a way to get one on board. It's not going to get any easier and before you know it, that shady lawyer of your h's will have helped your h get what he wants. This is one area of the legal business that I advise people all of the time...get a lawyer. Representing yourself will not win you any points in the divorce arena. You need a bull dog of a lawyer to fight this battle for you.
Daily Mistakes By Gerda
When I got home and saw my H cooking his dinner, for the first time in many many months, I called him on what he is doing. I asked how he could do something like this and find himself in that horrible place with that horrible lawyer, that he was so high above that and was willing to put himself in that horrible courtroom full of hopelessness and despair and the end of culture, etc, all things he would still say that he believed in but that he is not living by anymore.
I know it was totally stupid and wrong, but I engaged with him in that way for about two minutes while my daughter was in the bathroom.
He just kept scoffing at me and saying he couldn't speak to me and then saying he could speak to me if I wasn't completely unbalanced. So I left. His response as I left the room was, "I've never felt more pure and more clear and more free."
And yes, Gerda's mistakes meant that those words still feel like a knife. Looking into his eyes and seeing only evil, it is still unfathomable to me.
I know, I know. You don't need to say it. I was weak for doing that. I set myself up. I know. I realize that I may be stuck here with him for a while and because we had one moment of talking to each other in the courthouse where I saw a glimpse of him, I did that.
I want a lawyer, I do. The only way I could get a lawyer is by selling my house. This would take many many months and complicate everything even more. But I am going to try to consult with one at least, to get a plan of next attack.
What I really need is someone willing to refinance my house so I can give him his money and say goodbye. Does anyone have a brainstorm of a way to find a private lender?
Hello Gerda
Oh my what a horrible day. If I was closer I’d come over and we could chat about this in real time, you know let it all out. Probably have a beverage or two also. Oh well, I guess this will have to do. ((((Gerda))))
These MLCers sure tend to find the shady lawyers, or we just tend to gravitate towards the good ones. At any rate, H’s lawyer sounds pretty darn unprofessional, in my humble, unbiased, good natured, kind, friendly, help little old ladies across the street, friend of Gerda, opinion. (I hope you had a smile, maybe even a laugh, you probably need one)
I respect your free will, your right to make your choices. Also as a friend I will provide other view points and stress them when needed.
Needed is what I wish to discuss with you. I have said you
need a lawyer. Job has also said you
need a lawyer. You said you
want a lawyer.
Gerda it is need not want. Please see this.
You have seen the evil in H’s eyes. You have seen his L. And unfortunately the judge doesn’t sound like the nicest of ladies.
H is not going to stop until he gets what he wants, and it looks like he wants a lot.
You need legal representation for this battle. I don’t want you to get run over. You were right - they just want you to settle fast and get out.
Get someone in your corner.
No matter what solution or agreement you and H come to, having a L will make that outcome better. Even in the most “wasteful of your money” possibility where the L did not make any gains on the agreement, he still kept the other party held to task, he took most of the load off you - and you need that, this could last a little while. By the way, that possibility is the least likely by far, I am confident your lawyer would have ample opportunity to earn his money.
I’ve said it before, kids, money, house, future - this is likely the most important dealing of your life. Be prepared, get armed, and dig in.
I offer my viewpoint and add my voice to the others. Please actively listen.
On the surface our interactions are just words on each other’s screens. However, beyond the words, people are sharing their pain, sorrow, despair, shame, pride, hopes, dreams, successes, failures, advice, suggestions, they share the deepest part of their lives - their loves, hates, desires, and fears. A bond is formed among these real caring people, and no one wants to see anyone get more hurt.
I care about you Gerda. I do not want to see you or your children more hurt.
I do respect you and I will respect your choice.
DnJ
I was very happy to hear from you, DnJ and Job.
DnJ, yes, you brought a smile and yes, come on over! I'll get the kettle on! The only problem is that my H is always present, smugly and evilly smiling and then asleep on the couch. How can I go another year or two with him sleeping on the couch?! And not being able to have anyone over right when I most need to have friends around?!!!
I think this is what I am longing for most. To be able to have people over all the time, around my kids, lots of joy and life.
You will be happy to know that I did contact a lawyer today, the lawyer of my friend whose wife had MLC and had the OM's baby. She actually showed up to court pregnant with another man's child and did not realize this would hinder her case. But anyway, this lawyer sounds extremely busy but apparently is not as expensive and works with like-minded people. So I am going to ask her about options. My friend said she may or may not get back to me so I don't know what to expect. She is the only lawyer I have heard of who seemed wonderful. I did take the card of one today in court and might also ask her about fees.
And yet still -- How will I find the money to pay for this lawyer? I am already not able to pay my bills. I don't even have a credit card with that much credit left. You all keep saying to find a way, but short of selling myself, there is nothing more I can do to work than what I am doing. What is the way?
Good Morning Gerda
Selling myself - oh my goodness I almost shot coffee out my nose.
So smug H is sitting around and hard to have people over. So go visit them, leave him behind to sleep on the couch.
Throw a big Tupperware party with him there, don’t even tell him. It is your house too. I think with 20 or so women all talking and laughing he would get out pretty darn quick. (This was more for humour, but I may have stumbled upon something). Makes money and gets H out of the house for a while. I don’t know pretty early over here, I may be still a little sleepy.
I am very happy you have seen a L. The L of your friend is the one I was hoping you would look in to. If she is too busy, don’t worry there are lots around, and I do tend to believe most are honorable.
As for paying, well first find out the estimate of the cost. Then once you know how big a bill you are looking at, then you can start figuring ways to solve it. Step by step, that’s how you will get through this. No one eats the entire elephant all at once, it is eaten bite by bite.
Generally speaking - accurately see what you are up against. Realize what you need vs what you want. Then find a way, and fight for what you need. You have made many steps already, just keep placing one foot in front of the other.
Let’s see how much a L will cost, then go from there. Who knows they may even have a suggestion.
I hope today is a better and brighter day.
DnJ
Thank you for my morning greeting, DnJ, you are, as ever, the best.
Tupperware may be a little preferable to selling myself, yes. But maybe only marginally?
But I have been thinking about just inviting people over all the time anyway. It's just that there is such a toxic veneer over the household that it's hard to even have people here just because of that. It's like everyone is eating the dinner pretending that they don't notice that my arm got pulled out of its socket and is gushing blood all over the carpet. That's how it's been when I have tried it but maybe I need to try more.
I am also a little scared that if I start doing that he will start inviting his only friend over, the one who is paying for the lawyer. I know what you say about fear, DnJ.
I got a wonderful supportive note from my virtual world friend DnJ and here at home, I got a gross crazy one from H. The only positives I can see are that it's clear he is feeling guilty and also that it confirms something I seemed to forget yesterday -- that he is bat-shoot crazy! The devil is such a powerful dude, he is lurking in my H's brain at all times and has figured out the perfect way to get at both of us -- for my H to misinterpret the bible! That's a big temptation for me, not to answer that! Even just the accusation of cussing, which is a lie, to not answer that might drive me crazy!
I realized yesterday that when I engage him, he can't hold back from these very incriminating notes which I believe his L told him not to write. But I also realized that judge may not care.
I just want to say that to my experience of my life — and you may have yours — you as a novelist-storyteller are imaging / figuring me to yourself and to the kids as having “the worse (evil) part,” and you as a novelist-storyteller are imaging / figuring you to yourself and to the kids as “having the better part” — all according to your novelistic assumption that somehow it is “a better part” to rush around and busy around having 6 or 16 or 26 jobs, jobs for what?— for the eternal purpose of beating away and cursing away what to me is a darkness and a scarcity that (to my understanding of life) is just not there, just not real: that is a magical (albeit dark) fiction of your mind and your mind only.
I am only asking that you — before cussing while doing dishes quietly at me and before cussing at all other innocent humans who you don’t know (my lawyer’s assistant, (name of kids godfather who paid for lawyer), etc) — just at least consider the possibility of figuring / imaging “H” to your understanding and to the kids understanding as man who has at least a little part now of “the better part” —Mary’s part— and I have small part of her part precisely for not rushing around and busying around but for just daily sitting in slow, patient, careful concentrated meditation “at the feet” of truth and beauty and goodness, yes, for sitting at the feet of God— in my own “way,” which includes pain and tears.
Yes, it is my present business to figure / image what it might mean to be — precisely in the texture of my active-embodied disposition, and precisely amid the smoke and noise and business and busy-bodyness of life — a person of stillness, silence and solitude as a form of having a part of “the better part” — precisely, yes, in what the perennial Catholic tradition (my tradition) calls “leisure, the basis of culture and pax.”
My kids’ father just might not be a monster— is what I mean.
Possibly a few years ago he moved out of the order of Martha and into the order of Mary— which was for me in my way also to move away from the Catholic Church proper and into the desert, into a form of desert spirituality, and effectively into an Eastern milieu of the Church. My “way” — I assume — won’t be loved by the kids for a while: they are now painstakingly (and tragically) entrained to believe that the juridical and the worldly-busy-active is sovereign, is God: that busyness and frenetic performance and grades are a mark of rightness and goodness and truth. It will take slow patient time — but blessed are the pure of heart — for S13 & D9 to sense that possibly a feeling for “the better part” abides not in their “way” but in another “way” of living.
For the record my present business is to love S13 & D9 — and to have them one day love me — not in the context of a “way” that is totally alien and hostile to my “way” but exclusively in the context of a “way” / milieu / “part” that I (in peace) believe myself to be abiding in.
And my “part” is not the only part I abide; I abide in Martha’s part too: we all abide in both. Only I now have arrived at a point in life in which I first give priority to Mary’s leisure-part, her prayerful-mindful part, and once that part each day is set in me I act from out of it and not principally from out of any other part. Just want to communicate all this.
- H
Gerda
How are you
I just read your last post
Your H is a writer
My W is a talker
I know you know but will say again
The only thing you can do is listen
H is so convinced of his view of the world
He is not listening to you or his children or his L
And is not open to other perspectives
He reads the Bible and finds support for his view
He talks to others and finds support for his view
And anyone who disagrees be cuts off
You and your family are in my prayers
Gerda,
Catching up,
Wow wow...
God knows I must say for LBS that have younger children like us.
Is hard so hard especially when they monstering and always feel
They are right.
My W is the manic talker. W askes kids questions and answers
Is like wow.
W also have done it to GAL and Therapist I can't imagine if we could
Ever coparent children.
I keep telling myself 8 more years where my kids could speak for themselves
And old enough.
I am a true believer that God has a plan.
Sending you lots of hugs.. and always in my prayers
Gordie, no, I don't know that. I mean, of course I know it like we all know it. But I need to hear it over and over, so I am glad you took the time to remind me.
In fact I printed your post out and have it in my bag for when my mind starts to race.
It's funny how a simple Gordie-esque description of my H's actions provide a mantra to dispel confusion. Remembering the whole thing in this way truly points out how there is nothing I can do.
I know there is nothing I can do but this whole D situation has confused the heck out of me because it requires that I DO so many things!
Thank you, Gordie, for this perfect pace. Even the Gordie style has proved to be just what I needed this morning.
Marina, wow, I was so touched that you came by my thread. I have actually been following your sitch and impressed by your faith but never posted to you, so I was really moved to see your name on my thread, and then really really moved to see what you wrote.
You know what really helped me about your post? Maybe most of all? Where you wrote, "Wow wow." Isn't it amazing, when you are going through this horrible fire and trial alone, how someone else saying, "Yes, it really is that bad," is so comforting?
Because half the time, since I am standing, I am somehow trying to diminish what I am going through. And I live with a person who is totally unaware that I am a person with feelings at all but who won't leave.
Even that you say that you can't picture being able to co-parent -- that's exactly how I feel. Everyone keeps telling me to accept this situation and know that the court may give him some custody but there is just no way to co-parent when all your energy is being spent to protect your kids from the other parent! There is only a way to mitigate the damage being done.
Even my D9, who really is the only one who genuinely likes H and wants to see him, cried and cried the other night, terrified about D, terrified she would have to live with him or even ever stay overnight with him. She said she was ashamed to say it but she didn't think he would be able to do things like take her to school. I only calmed her down by telling her that she would never have to do something she didn't want to do. But I don't even know if that's true!
But as you say, God has a plan. I keep trying to be patient and to remind myself that I don't even know if we will ever get to the point of actual D, and that I don't know what will be happening at that point or how old my kids will be. At the moment he has no home and no income and no way to provide anything for the kids except by selling our home.
I do hope that we get to the point, very soon, where a judge says he has to leave our house and discover what it actually means to be alone. I pray everyday for peace and joy in the midst of my circumstances, I think of people in much worse circumstances (slavery, war, martyrdom) who had peace and joy. But I can't deny that it would be wonderful to work on other things about myself and my faith than just having peace in this hell and trying to protect my children from this toxic environment.
Saw this from Rejoice Ministries this morning and wanted to repost. I know that hers is probably not an MLC situation, but I loved the reminder about patience. I know that even if my H doesn't come back, even if he doesn't allow God to heal him, having patience to see God's will for me (me alone!) is the way to make meaning out of my stand and this whole situation.
My husband and I have been divorced for 25 years. During this time God made it clear to both of us that we were never meant to be divorced. But our hearts were prideful, and we did not listen; we both became prodigals. My spouse never remarried but had long term girlfriends. I remarried my second husband for many years. Now we both are single again, and we reconnected and realized that we are very much still in love with each other. But we face the same issues as we had 25 years ago. I recommitted my life to Christ and am now a stander. I can see God is working His will in our lives. My spouse and I started dating, and every time he pulls away physically and emotionally, I do not worry because God promised me He will save my spouse and restore our marriage. I Just need to wait. PTL.” (New York)
But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:8-9
Hello Gerda
How are you doing today?
I didn’t figure you for a Tupperware party type girl.
It is only marginally better. Lol.
I must admit I didn’t think about H inviting friend over, he may not have either. Of course don’t want to live in fear, but it is not wise to poke the bear or bee hive. That being said if
you want a friend over invite them. If H wants to counter and invite someone over, join them. I bet H will be more uncomfortable than you. Point is do what you want. I know you understand what I mean, even though I used about a hundred words to get it out.
I had to read H’s letter a few times. Wowee he can sure ramble with his nonsense. Like Gordie said, H is so confident and sure of his view of things he will shut out and ignore anyone who takes a differing view to his own.
I know there is nothing I can do but this whole D situation has confused the heck out of me because it requires that I DO so many things!
I say this so many times - Well W, there is nothing I can do.
I leave out the ending of that statement, I know what I mean and a mantra needs to have brevity.
However do not forget the ending. Well W, there is nothing I can do. You have chosen your path, you need to choose a different one. You need to suffer enough, to dump OM, and to start looking inward for answers. I didn’t break you, I can’t fix you. And so on and so on. As you can see, too much for a mantra.
However I had a point. Your confusion about having to DO so many things.
Your knowing there is nothing you can do is only in regard to “fixing” H. You have many things to do for yourself and kids.
It helps knowing and realizing you are not doing these things in an attempt at manipulation, these are required for you and not meant for your H.
I know there is a lot to do; it is a bit overwhelming at times. I made a list of items I need to take care of when W left and separated. Everything from removing her name from the Hydro bill, changing the wills and insurance, to ensuring I paid her lawyer fees. That list sure made one full piece of paper.
I sure appreciated the idea of you putting on a kettle and inviting me over. I just recently have acquired a coffee maker that produces a pot of coffee in minutes, like three minutes. Wow. My old one took 20, I had given up coffee in the morning due to time constraints. I now can have fresh hot coffee before the toast is even done.
You should come over for a cup, it will only take minutes.
Take care. Talk soon.
DnJ
Much to say, DnJ but gotta put my D9 to bed. So more later. Thanks, as ever for your careful wisdom. Glad you have your Coffee Speed Machine. I live in a very fast-paced city where people are seen daily shaking their to go coffee from the deli to mix the sugar in and racing to the train, so it made me laugh to think of you in your quiet country town needing speed.
You'll be happy to know that I have a meeting with that L on Tuesday. What you said about step by step has been my other mantra.
Gordie -- you always talk about just listening. But what does this mean when my H is a writer? I can see that you let your W talk and talk and you just listen. But how do you see that playing out in my situation when these monstering sessions or diatribes of self+wounds are all in writing? (And also they are generally so abusive, combined with the financial abuse side of things, that I need to build a boundary lest I collapse completely.) In fact I have stopped looking at or speaking to my H, and his insanity and hatred plus my ostracism of him is making our household a very toxic place to be. There is no fighting but there is a horrible feeling all the time. I feel that I could speak to him and talk to him again if he leaves. I need space to heal, and talking to him or looking at him here and now is like grinding a salty blade into an open wound. But if he leaves, I think I could do it.
Anyway the point is that I rarely answer his notes so I am not "listening." Actually, I usually spend an hour or two answering his notes, then force myself to wait until that night or the next day to send it, and by that time, almost always I manage to delete it without sending.
But sometimes I wonder about showing I am "listening" to these notes and wonder what you think about that since you are the master of listening. You can use one of the many notes of his that I have posted to tell me what you mean if you do think there is a listening response.
I will not be able to do anything about it now because of what I said above but I would like to think about it for a while and one day maybe I will be able to take your advice.
Maybe this post belongs in my own thread so I guess I will post it there too.
Gerda
Hugs to you
I am reluctant to give advice because I do not know
But you asked so I will do my best
In the notes your H writes
I do not feel the hatred that you do
Easy for me to say as I am not married to him
And am not emotionally involved
I hear someone who feels betrayed by life
Bitter about the way his life has turned out
Have you ever read Rabbit Run
Maybe it can give you insight into the MLC man
His spewing has nothing to do with you
Even when his words say you are the source of all his troubles
So how do you listen
The truth is I defaulted to listening because I was bad at validating
I think it is wise not to react so good for you
Maybe come up with your own cadence that feels write
And set a time frame to do it if you choose
Maybe every Sunday after church for 30 minutes
You sit down and hand write something
Dear H
Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts with me
While many of the messages are difficult for me to process
I hear you and will continue to seek to understand you
Gerda
Feels right
Not feels write
Hahaha
Hello Gerda
I know you did not ask me specifically about listening, and I do like Gordie’s take on it, and if it is ok I will expand on things a bit with my own thoughts.
I get the feeling that you think or feel that you are supposed to be responding to H, to show him that you are listening.
Let’s go back to basics for a moment. Your H is actively working to divorce you, and has even borrowed money to get the ball rolling. Your first and foremost obligation is to protect yourself and your children. Focus on you and kids.
Then you need to find healing and peace for you and kids. Most of the time this requires going dim or even no contact for a period of time, sometimes a long period of time. We work on detachment and letting go.
All this is for you, not H. Do not forget that.
Your H is deep in the tunnel, angry, confused at times, clear at times, thinks he has it all figured out, sends mixed signals, and is trying to leave. He is in MLC. Nothing you say or do will have much effect on him. He has to go through this at his pace, on his path. Give him space and time, lots of it.
When you have healed enough that you can tolerate speaking with H, then you listen and validate. He will share all kinds of stuff, maybe even things from his past that can give clues to what is wrong. Again, validating him may or may not make much difference on his journey, it really is his path, and he needs to figure out what is wrong.
The idea is to listen to his stories, his complaints (probably about you), his venting, his feelings - all of these are true, too him. That is what he needs to hear back - validation. That his feelings are valid. Yes he is mixed up and his feeling and thoughts are more fantasy than reality, so only validate what you are able to. What I mean is do not take blame, unless warranted, just validate with “I am sorry you feel that way”.
This is not a trick or manipulation to help him along - it is the truth. You are sorry that he feels that way.
If he is receptive, which I think will not be for a while, you could try to add a counter point of view while validating. For example: H - You have always tried to keep the children away from me. G - I am sorry you feel that way, but you know that is not true. I encouraged you to take son with you when you would go shopping, and even suggested the two of you go out for lunch.
As I said, he needs to be receptive, it is difficult to slide in a bit of truth without being to argumentative.
MLCers will talk in absolutes and usually negatives, it is the depression they are in. Your H shows this in his conversations, the references to your cussing him while you do the dishes, and cussing at all other innocent humans, is an example of this, not absolutes directly stated but implied nonetheless.
I do find the cussing reference interesting, as well as all other innocent humans. Cussing - not swearing or cursing, but cussing. Also he is looking at himself as an innocent in all this, very classic and expected. Also a bit telling of what he is fighting with. A lot of times they project their dark feelings and thought on to others because they just cannot handle them. I would figure he is silently cussing at the world, at all the innocent humans, and is trying to project it on to you, to get you to take the blame.
My W did something similar to me regarding trustworthiness, well actually untrustworthiness. Holy cow - that would make a great scrabble word! Sorry
. She projected and blamed me directly - it was so obviously wrong, but not to her. Very weird at the time, well even now still.
So what to do?
My advice is to not bother with too much validation, for now. You sweet Gerda are living in a toxic environment. You need to heal. You need a boundary.
I can see how difficult your situation is in this regard, with him living under the same roof. Going no contact would be logistically near impossible. So when you must respond just “I am sorry you feel that way H. I do not see it the same way, but thank you for sharing”. Short and simple, no fighting, no room for blaming, nothing else. He is working towards leaving, and you have better things to invest your time on, and better people to invest in.
I do hope this helps.
DnJ
Btw. I am glad you are meeting your L tomorrow. Best of luck. I know how hard this is. I will be thinking of you.
Good morning Gerda.
How are you today? How was the meeting yesterday?
Not trying to be nosy, just supportive.
Have a good day.
Ok, ok - a little bit nosy.
DnJ
Btw - Speed coffee is awesome.
Gordie! I loved your post and read it many times. I am so thankful that you took so much time to think about my question and even to give me a sample reply. This is very very helpful. I am going to channel your style when I do end up doing it. You are the zen master of MLC.
Gimme a D! Gimme an N! Gimme a J! DNJ!!!!
For the past couple of days I had Gordie and DnJ in my brain's background, thinking about what you both said and how it meshes.
You are very good at reading the person behind the lines. You are right. I was thinking that I should validate. And you are right that I probably shouldn't right now.
Except for one thing.
I only want to please God. I don't care if it works or doesn't work on H.
Sometimes I think God wants me to be kind to H. But right I think God must want me to go dark. Because right now for example, I can't not be dark. I can't look at my H or speak to him. I can't even bear to be in the same room with him. When I am near him, I feel like waves of evil are washing toward me. When my kids are near him, I want to pluck them out of his grasp. (I don't, but I want to. I usually stay in my room and try to work but then just watch Colbert clips because I can't focus.) I have never done this before, and it's not a strategy. It's my core.
Right now as I am writing, he is moving the TV into the living room to set it up in front of his sofa which is his bed and the room he takes over at night. This way he can force my daughter to watch a movie with him. He keeps telling her they will watch a grown-up movie when she watches with him. He is not willing to ever watch anything "childish" and always is showing her something like Masterpiece Theater when he does that.
And when I came upstairs, my S13 said, "Did you know Papa is going to Rome tomorrow?" And he looked sick to his stomach. Last night both kids wanted to talk about the D, what was happening, why, when, would we lose our house, would Papa really divorce me, etc. I tried to validate and say as little as possible. It was heartbreaking.
So you are right, time to just heal. I think if he moves out, I will be much better around him and would invite him to Thanksgiving etc. But right now I need to stop bathing in toxic acid.
The L thought I had a good shot of getting him out based on what I told her.
Yeah, you read that right. I realized that I could go pro se with a normal judge. But I got the most wicked judge on the court. So I guess God wants me to find a way to pay a L. I wrote to my closest cousins and friends asking for a loan of $300 to $1000 for two years. So we'll see if I can scrape a retainer together. Otherwise, it ain't gonna be no tupperware party but I might have to bartend since very late night is the only time I have and we've all agreed that selling myself is not the right option.
Thank goodness you saw a lawyer!
And as for H wanting the 9 year old to watch Masterpiece Theater with him - do you need anymore proof that he's not right in the head???? And him being unwilling to watch anything "childish" (WITH HIS CHILD!!!) is just pure unadulterated narcissism.
Gerda
I am extremely happy you have decided on having a lawyer. I could just hug you!
Don’t worry you’ll find a way for the money. Go sell H’s TV. Ha ha ha. Joking. (Sell his couch too)
...we've all agreed that selling myself is not the right option.
Ha ha. I don’t know if you have this saying or not, but this is what went through my head when I read that.
Gerda working at bar, asking client for their order: Coffee, Tea, or me?
Lol
I sure hope you’re smiling. That is some A-list material right there. I might just have to change professions.
- - - -
To change gears a bit. Well actually a lot.
Gerda, of course God wants you to be kind. To be kind to yourself.
Treat yourself kindly, cut yourself some slack.
What you are living through is horrible, and bearable. You will get through it. You realize how toxic and painful living with H is. Be kind to Gerda, put her first!!!
Your survival, healing, and protection of you and kids is the foremost priority. Do not forget this. You are the most important person in all of this.
I know you have a kind soul, nurture it, help it grow. You do not need to be kind to H, neutral is fine. Don’t be mean, vindictive, or hold a grudge, that just hurts you - not being kind to yourself then. Just let him be, and you focus on you.
- - - -
I am glad your kids are talking to you about all this. The divorce is going to be on their mind. They need to talk about it. So do you. You will be surprised how much benefit both you and them will gain, even from an age appropriate conversation.
And when I came upstairs, my S13 said, "Did you know Papa is going to Rome tomorrow?" And he looked sick to his stomach. Last night both kids wanted to talk about the D, what was happening, why, when, would we lose our house, would Papa really divorce me, etc. I tried to validate and say as little as possible. It was heartbreaking.
When speaking with your kids don’t worry about “say as little as possible”. Talk lots!!
They have questions, lots of questions. Why, when, would lose house, Papa really divorce you, etc... For every question they ask, they have 20 more they don’t ask. (I don’t know if it is 20 or 10 or whatever - but there are more)
So listen, hug them, love them, answer them, and talk with them. You do not have to have all the answers, it is better if the answers come out during the conversation. Big thing don’t talk to them, talk with them. They will lead the conversation where they need it to go - don’t worry about that.
Now of course you do not want to add to their fears. So you gauge your responses to how much information they are looking for. I think you’ll see something similar to what I experienced. Once your kids realize you have the same concerns as them, you understand their concerns, they will know that you know about whatever it is they are concerned about. Then their fears lessen because you are “looking” after it.
- - - -
Gerda - Thank you for the boost, specifically that I am reading the person behind the lines.
Do you remember asking “us” to write some advice to your son? You were looking for a man to man kind of thing, to see what words a man might say to him. More or less.
I did write him a letter, and never posted it to you.
I feel I should share that letter with you. I am not sure why. Just a strong feeling, intuition, or something.
Hello <Gerda’s Son>, your mother ask me to speak to you. I understand things in your home have been difficult over the last while, and especially difficult during the last month. Your Dad has been behaving strangely and you do not enjoy spending as much time with him anymore.
I understand how you feel. I have four children, three boys ages 21, 19, and 17, and a girl, age 16. Their Mom is behaving similar to what your Dad is like. They do not really want to spend too much time visiting with their Mom. She sometimes says hurtful things to them and other times does not speak to them at all for months. Their Mom moved out of our home 13 months ago.
It was sad, painful, and difficult at the beginning and now a little over a year later home life is much easier and pleasant. Two of my boys are going to university, my daughter is in grade 11, her school average is 95%, and my oldest boy drives semi-trucks for a living.
As a Dad who has watched his children get through what you are experiencing I would like to share some advice. This is really important so please listen very carefully.
First, everything going on between your Mom and Dad is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong.
Second, your Mom loves you very very much. Probably more than you realize. You and your sister mean the world to her.
Third, your Dad loves you also. He may not show it like he did before, but he does love you. Sometimes it just gets lost inside him and it takes a while for him to find it again.
Now <Gerda’s Son>, I have heard that you are a bright and loving young man. You cuddle and have pleasant conversations with your Mom. At other times you demand your room gets cleaned, talk back, and are stubborn.
This is all perfectly normal, you are 13 and growing up. This is a tricky period in a young man’s life, and with what is happening at home it is going to be harder. The best way to make all this so much easier for yourself is to be respectful, to do your best, and to help out a bit here and there. You could even cook a meal every now and then. I bet you make really good fried eggs.
In five years you will be an adult. That seems like a long time right now, but it will go by fast. You will learn an incredible amount of knowledge, you will learn to drive, and you will grow into a man. Become a man you are proud to be.
So a few tips just for you.
School has started again. Study and do your homework. It will pay off huge in ways you cannot imagine. If you are having difficulty with something ask your Mom. I know, I know, ask my Mom?!? Well she is pretty smart and can help. Trust me on this one.
Get a good night sleep every night. This really helps and is so easy, just go to bed at 10:00pm and get up at 7:00am. Being well rested makes everything better, even video games.
Be polite and say please and thank you. It is amazing how much happier the world will be by doing this.
Feel your feelings. Accept what you are feeling. It is ok to be sad, happy, angry, or even nothing. Just a word about being mad or angry. Remember that it is fine, just don’t take it out on anyone. Go for a run, do push ups, get a punching bag and beat it up - get the anger out of you in a safe way. Besides exercise will make big strong muscles.
Be compassionate towards your Dad. He is having a very hard time dealing with things right now. When you are compassionate and maybe even a bit forgiving you will feel so much better.
Hug your Mom and tell her you love her. She knows you do, but it means so much when you show her.
Last, and most important, have fun! You are allowed to enjoy games, walks, time with Mom, movies, ice cream cones, and so much more. You don’t need to feel guilty for having fun. As a matter of fact, I think you should have some ice cream as soon as you finish this letter. Find your Mom, give her a big hug, and politely ask if she would like to join you and sister for an ice cream cone.
<Gerda’s Son>, I know I have said a lot to you. Please feel free to reread this as often as you like. Remember those three important points. Focus on the tips and work on following them. I have a feeling you are more than capable of doing so. Sure would be nice to enjoy an ice cream with you.
All my best.
DnJ
Dnj. oh my god i just gave S13 the letter. He loved it. He was talking about drugs again and I just didn't know what to do -- my H again cornered him when I wasn't home and started talking about how one day S would understand his sde of the story and how divorce wasn't that bad and S basically had a huge panic attack and was horrible all night, then finally climbed in next to me and told me about that and went on ad on about how bad he wants to do drugs (which is what he talks about a lot now) and I was trying to listen and finally just starting to freak out and said, "Lord I can't do this, I need help" and then I remembered the letter. He is reading it again now. Oh my god this is amazing.
After reading the letter, he was a tiny bit calmer. He asked me to read to him and instantly fell asleep.
I feel I should share that letter with you. I am not sure why. Just a strong feeling, intuition, or something.
DnJ
Holy Spirit knew I would be needing it about an hour later. That's why!!!!!
Dear Gerda,
I must say that you have received amazing and invaluable advice from so many wonderful people on here. I agree with every word of DNJ’s post to you above.
Very very wise words.
DNJ,
As I started reading your letter to Gerda’s son I welled up so much, I had to take a few moments to compose myself before reading it.
What a wonderful thing to to for someone you have only ‘met’ online. A remarkable thing to do for her and her son.
Gerda, you will get through this.
Good morning Gerda
You’re welcome.
I am glad it was well received.
DnJ
Westco, my thoughts exactly.
Westco and DnJ, You know how when you are a child, you dream of a delicious ice cream cone and you are taking another wonderful bite when you wake up and you are alone in your bed in the dark and there is no ice cream cone, so you close your eyes and try to reach back into the dream to grab it?
Printing out that letter and handing it to my son was kind of like that, but actually being able to take the ice cream cone back into the "light of the living."
I was writing that without remembering that DnJ actually mentions ice cream cones in his letter! Just remembered that!
My son was horrible this morning, I am still trying to get him to school for last three hours and again had to push my work up, it is awful awful awful. BUT the letter from DnJ is sitting on his desk, such a comfort. I know he will return to it. He never reads anything and he read it so attentively last night.
I was also able to tell him, that this letter represents the right kind of male role model and that he can keep it as a gift of what he deserves from all the men in his life and what I hope he will find from a teacher or someone else someday soon. We started with a new therapist yesterday and I am really hopeful, this guy was really amazing. Young but amazing.
Thank you, my friends.
For you out there in MLC land, Gerda surely can serve as an authority on this after 5 years living with MLCer and now he is away for a week --
True detachment is not possible with them in the house.
True detachment is barely possible when they are away for a week.
I still fight waves of fear and PTSD.
But I feel some calm, some peace, some freedom, to actually "focus on me and my kids." You know how everyone is always telling you that, and you are like, "I am!" but you aren't?
Well, I realized yesterday that we don't feel as sad when people are around. So I am inviting someone to dinner every night this week. I am cooking now, and singing and dancing around the living room to that new Sia song and setting the table and feeling proud of my house and my cooking, and picking out some card games to play with our friends and imagining a future that will have a whole sad side, that my H is gone spiritually, physically, romantically, emotionally, but that I can actually have a whole other side that is fun and happy for my kids and which has been totally impossible with him here.
I can see how I can live happily even if I choose to honor my vows and be alone.
He comes back Friday so I am thinking of taking the kids out of town for the weekend.
Hi Gerda!
I haven't posted in a while but I've been checking in on your situation. I am so sorry that you have been going though all the stuff you are going through with your son and the courts, etc. That letter DnJ wrote your son was so great!
I am so happy that you got to experience this week and see what the difference is. I agree with all of what you said above. After a year and a half of living with my W in the house, and her now gone for 5 months, I can relate to the difficulty of detaching with someone living under the same roof.
I hope you are able to keep up the forward momentum. Its nice to have a break from all this MLC stuff every once in a while...even if it is just a break.
Treat yourself to a big helping of kindness and love. You deserve it and so do your kids. We aren't out of the woods just yet, but its nice to come in to a clearing every once in a while to regroup.
((Gerda))
You sound great!!!
(((Gerda)))
There is spark about your writing.
You only spoke of yourself. Nothing of H and the dread he brings.
It is all you.
Well done!
You singing and dancing around the living room. Oh boy!
You should be proud of your house and cooking. I’ve always pictured you in my mind as a really good cook, among other desirable attributes.
I am happy to see you shining.
Have a great week.
DnJ
It was a wonderful night. Two younger friends (from my church community) came, they are in their twenties, they are super cool and my son worships the guy and my D the woman and we just had such a great normal evening of fun and friends.
This is the song I was dancing to and singing to all evening before they came. I think it's perfect for us LBS's but is also a great song to dance to.
You can put this into your search on youtube or wherever to find it -- "LSD - Thunderclouds (Lyrics) ft. Sia, Diplo, Labrinth"
Thank you so much sjohn, have hoped you would come by sometime as I always love to get your perspective. What you said here means a lot to me. I sense you are moving forward with some shakiness. So here's from one shaky-kneed friend to another, a big hug. Lord do I need a break! I don't know what is going to happen but L thinks she may be able to argue for him to have to leave the house.
My S said it was much better without him here this week but my D misses him and keeps asking to call him. Fortunately my phone can't call internationally so I am saved from having to do that for this week. Normally I let her call him whenever she wants. He has not tried to contact us even once so far.
I think you have a better picture in your mind than what the real thing is, but I am a pretty good cook if I have a recipe to follow. The main thing is I just love to feed friends and family, it gives me a lot of joy and is one way I like to take care of people. Not being able to do that for my H has been really hard. But as you say, I am not thinking of that today!
Thank you for your post, DnJ. You are very good at feeling joy on the behalf of your friends here, as well as feeling sorrow for us when we need that.
Gerda, I appreciate the prayers and the kind words. I keep up with your sitch as well, but have decided to pray for you and your husband instead of add my $.02 with my words. Besides, it seems that you are getting some good advice from Gordie and DnJ.
Oh Gerda, you are so right. I am moving forward with a little trepidation. I'm doing good and so are you.
I am thinking that although this is only a week of reprieve for you, that experiencing it will help you gain an understanding of yourself that you can take with you beyond just this week. Some perspective if you will, some light at the end of the tunnel. This week is bringing you back the joy you once had and reminding you of the strength that you ALREADY had. That won't go away after the week is over. Neither of us is done with this thing, but with the support that we give each other and the perspectives that we gain along the way, we are getting stronger and more capable of dealing with the lot we have been given. And I truly believe that we are not given anything that we aren't capable of handling. We just have to learn how to handle it. I love that you are getting to have a week off from MLC land...and you deserve it!!
It is weird that he hasn't called at all, but I guess it isn't really THAT weird, is it? Kind of more par for the course at this point. Calling when out of town is a NORMAL thing to do and our MLCers are nothing in the way of normal. My W does things quite often that defy all logic to me, but I'm managing to get to a place where I have a hard time caring. I am proud of the path I have walked and the decisions I have made and none of this is my doing or a result of my decisions...so I have no regrets. I do not have to own any of the heartbreak from her decisions...and neither do you!!
I hope that this week continues to be the best week ever for you. It is a beautiful day in Texas today, hope it is for you too. Lets both just relax and enjoy the heck out of it! Wish we could all get together for a great meal and glass of wine sometime. Maybe the stars will align some time and we will all get to meet eachother.
((Gerda))
SBJ, I like your two cents. Your two cents are not the same as anyone else's. That said, I know that your prayers are even more important, and that I should be focusing on praying more than I focus on anyone's two cents. I am struggling a lot with trusting God, and I know if I trusted Him completely, I wouldn't even need to be on these boards at all!
Here's one for you and me today to remember to trust --
Let not your heart be troubled: you believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.
sjohn, you are right in all ways, including the vision of a nice table with all of us sitting around it -- I would love that! but lord I am finding as the week passes too quickly that the PTSD is taking over the peace and quiet. My son mentioned that my H sent photos of the beautiful place he is in, and then it all comes rushing back, that he is a real person and he is doing this to us and he is coming back and there is no escaping that. I think of him coming back and me having to live that life again and I can't breathe. I can't believe I have had to live that way these past months since he filed, I can't believe that I am about to have to do it again.
I find I am particularly obsessed with the friend, my kids' godfather, who is paying H's legal bills and many of his expenses and brought him on the trip to Europe this week along with a priest friend. I can't stop thinking about how evil that guy is and I find myself hating him all the time -- that's me, Gerda, who doesn't hate! Who forgives her H! I have very dark thoughts about that friend. If I could find his wife's number I would have called her while they were all gone to tell her what he is doing. This is not the Gerda I know but that's my desire.
Mostly the days are better, more peaceful, my S keeps saying how much better this is and wanting to make sure he can't live with us anymore. But my D keeps asking for him and asking to call him -- she asked me if she could ask Santa to bring the real Papa back to our family -- and then I get confused about what is best.
With him gone, I don't have to think about how he is trying to destroy us. But the days grow shorter, and I think by the time we get to the end of this week, I will not be able to enjoy anything, I will be so terrified of the end of this time of freedom and the beginning of my next round of having to face him here in the house and then in court.
My L is taking forever to get back to me to file that first motion, so that is also adding to my fear, I just wanted to get that in and to his L before he got back and I see that that is not going to happen before he returns.
Sorry for the downswing this evening. Overall it is wonderful to be on my own this week, just being honest about the fears that are starting to sweep over the peace.
Good Morning Gerda
It has snowed here. The landscape, the yard, ah that MLC grass, is covered in a bright beautiful layer of virgin white. It has temporarily hidden at the undone projects I have still ongoing.
I see youy temporary reprieve this week in similar light. As your covering of snow gives way, your undone projects will show through. Please do not distress.
Your fears, your growing feelings of hatred towards “the friend”, your obsession of how evil he is. All normal, very normal - do not doubt that.
I went on many walks within my trees and gave it to God. His arms surrounded my, lifted me, and strengthened me. I have felt it many times. I know you understand what I am talking about.
Find your tress Gerda. Commune with Him, within His creation.
Walking a path of light is not easy. Falling into a dark pit of sin, that is easy and unfulfilling. Climbing the mountain to light and our attempts at divinity, that is hard - and very rewarding.
That journey, that difficult climb, that is the true reward. Who you become in that process is more important than the destination you are heading towards. Each arduous step up that mountain side should be celebrated within yourself. A lot of people may never fall in to the pit, but also never climb, they just walk a level path. I think your destiny has an upward vector in mind for you.
Walking this path is hard. Protecting you and your kids is hard. Doing what you need to is hard. Learning to forgive “the friend” is hard.
For what it is worth, I learned that I cannot vanquish my inner demons and fears. I can understand them. I can transform them to lesser things, with lesser impact - the demons become a more awareness of one’s self and the fears become mere concerns. They make up who I am, they are part of me. The dark side and the light side. I do not want to excise my demons any more than I would want to give up my love of God.
We need to understand and accept both, and choose which wolf to feed.
I feel for you Gerda.
I hope this has some merit for you, maybe even some inspiration.
Live in the light.
DnJ
Gerda,
It's time to start a new thread. Please link your two threads together, if you can. Many thanks!
So glad you had a period of "peace". You and your children needed that little bit of time.
imagining a future that will have a whole sad side, that my H is gone spiritually, physically, romantically, emotionally, but that I can actually have a whole other side that is fun and happy for my kids and which has been totally impossible with him here.
Life is pretty nice when you're not walking on eggshells around a chronically unhappy person.
I find I am particularly obsessed with the friend, my kids' godfather, who is paying H's legal bills and many of his expenses and brought him on the trip to Europe this week along with a priest friend. I can't stop thinking about how evil that guy is and I find myself hating him all the time
This is projection. You're misdirecting your anger at your husband towards this person because you don't want to direct it at your husband. Your husband is the responsible party, not this guy. Put the anger where it belongs.
(This is similar to obsessing about the OW when it's the husband who broke his vows, not her.)
New Thread:
Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak