http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2755173&page=11My last thread was at 100. I really was contemplating moving to the surviving board, but I think I have one more MLC storyline left in me
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Recap-
Divorced
Still no financial arrangements
Ex and his lawyer and shady little buggers... This will be ongoing for the foreseeable future
With the exception of being broke, I am a-ok and grateful everyday for second chances. I wouldn't exchange my new life for my old one... No way!
Hi, Paxluv -- Have you considered doing AirBnB in your place? That is how my mom held on to her house and she ended up loving it. After she died, my stepdad kept doing it and it sort of saved him from depression and a tendency to be a hermit.
I posted a link to a great article about how to hold on to your house after divorce on DnJ's thread. It really empowers me though I am still trying to avoid D.
Hello there!
Been a long while since I updated my thread. Hope things are well. I still continue to read along, but I will say it’s really hard to follow with the new platform.... hopefully we can get a mobile interface soon so for us mobile users we don’t have to scroll along to see the whole view! That’s me being high maintenance, but I thought I would just throw it out there
I’ve been laying low just out of precaution. My ex is truly off the rails. We’re still nowhere near having any discussions on how to split the assets. Isn’t that nuts? It boggles my mind.
At our last court appearance the judge told him to stop playing games., well, he hasn’t. Gosh this guy sure knows how to make enemies. It happened frequently when we were married, but I always thought it was them and not my ex. He always had such rational excuses for why he disposed of people. THEY were all nasty humans.
Lesson learned.
Anyway, things are going pretty well. This was my wedding anniversary week and honestly it was ok. I had two dinner dates with some gal pals this week and I loved that he barely came up in conversation. For so long my divorce was really the center of my existence, but now, it’s barely part of the story. I have far more interesting things going on and the nonsense with him isn’t even worth bringing up anymore. Even crazy huge things (like him going after my lawyer for $).... it’s so irrelevant to my existence anymore. I love that!!!! Yeah i definitely still want to settle this thing and get what I’m owed out of it so I can buy a condo or something and move on from a financial perspective, but at the end of the day I am solid and a-ok. What a relief! as everyone says, it does get better!
On the dating front- I dated a bit ago and had a blast doing it. It was fun. I had a goal for myself that I wanted to achieve so I took myself off the market for 6 months so I could put my free time into me! Well, I achieved that goal and am now finding more balance these days. I know I’m ready to put myself out there again, but I have zero desire to do the online thing. Zero. Real life meeting is not as easy! Plus I’m the shy girl who has never asked a guy out. I’ll just have to see how that plays out.
Well, that’s it for now. Wishing you a beautiful day!
great to hear from you Pax. I'm so proud of how far you've come! xoxoxo
Hi Bttrfly! Thanks for the kind words! It’s feels weird to say it, but this whole experience is a gift!
I’m popping in today because I really need some insight or advice from those who have walked this completely insane MLC path.
I’ve purposefully not shared a lot of details with the legal side of my divorce. Frankly, for a long time I was afraid the ex would find this site and then he would sue me for defamation of character or something. Suing is in his nature and well, he thinks he’s a big shot. (In real life he’s not the baller he thinks he is....at all)
Anyway, the legal sitch is way way way out of hand and all of this is so expensive. I want it to be over and I think that’s what he’s counting on. It’s in his nature to wear people down to the point they give up. In his mind, he thinks he’s “won” because the “truth” comes out thus making the other party claim defeat.
It’s a crazy game, actually. And one I witnessed too many times during the course of our relationship.
Well, since we’re finally getting some info dug up in the forensic accountant review, I’m still really shocked at how skilled ex was at managing the finances. Man, he is evil.
Basically, he’s saying all my money (that was direct deposited into our accounts... even before marriage) was used for household expenses, and HIS money covered the mortgage, home repairs, etc. At the end of the day, he’s saying I don’t have any rights to the house because my money didn’t go into the account that funded these expenses. And yes, I’m on title.
It’s complete and utter crap and I had no idea he was intentionally screwing me over the entire marriage, but he was.
My lawyer is not so worried about it because a marriage is a partnership and clearly he wasn’t operating in a partnership. But I’m really getting stressed over it.
The man really does have two faces. We (me and my lawyer) see one side and now that it is court ordered that he has to comply with the financial audit, he is being as sweet as pie to the CPA. It’s disgusting!!!! And the stories he tells her are unbelievable and totally fabricated.
I don’t have a way to prove he is lying.... I just know the truth because I was there.
So I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has gone through this and what was the outcome for you? What if the CPA believes his crap, and the judge does as well, and I’m left with nothing, zero, zilch, nada from this whole experience? I don’t even have a savings because it was part of our joint finances. And of course he cleared all those accounts. Financially, it’s gotten sooooooo tight given the insane lawyer fees I’ve been paying since 2016.
I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared that the judge and cpa will believe his stories... which are lies. I want to move on and I can’t because I’m strapped financially. Given what my salary is, I really need to buy a condo or something so I can have a tax write off, but I have zero dollars to do so. It’s crazy.
Thoughts? For those who have had similar experiences, did you find the judge was able to see through their twisted lies? And for the record, I think my lawyer is great.... I just want to hear from someone who has experienced this before. It’s just so crazy.
Thank you!
Pax, long time poster with a new name. Been following your situation a long time. I also have a personality disordered spouse and understand well how they behave in litigation. The court is not going to buy his argument. You paid money into a joint account. The mortgage is community property, the deed in both names. Your lawyer is not concerned because this is a ridiculous argument. It sounds scary to you because he is used to controlling you and you fear him. The CPA won’t buy it either. They are numbers guys. They don’t decide who gets what. Just make two columns to split assets. You are almost through. Try to let go of the fear you have around him. He craves control because internally he feels out of control. These are fearful people.
Try to distance yourself a bit from this sitch so as not to be drawn into his crazy. Your name is on the title! And you were married! Good luck to him with that "argument." If it was never partially your house why is your name on the title? Maybe you should make the case that the house is yours as you are the one who dusted more. Ha ha.
The judges have seen and heard it all. There are probably 50 cases per day where someone is trying to come up with an excuse to get out paying support or sharing assets. His position is extreme. And so, what about cases where the wife is a stay at home mom and truly does not contribute financially to the mortgage? There are laws for a reason.
Poor guy. He is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Eventually the courts will right all his wrongs and I think he knows it's a 'comin.
Don't worry about a thing. You're doing fine.
Try to let go of the fear you have around him. He craves control because internally he feels out of control. These are fearful people.
This is exactly what I was thinking. His argument is ridiculous. Your name is on the title. You're protected. It's absolutely crazy for him to argue what he has.
I went through the exact same thing. During my D, my XW went through the whole process acting as if she had the upper hand in every scenario. She made wacky demands of me on items that her attorney already settled on.
They're crazy. It's hard for the LBS to see it sometimes cause we live in it.
Stick to the procedure laid out by the court. Follow the path. You'll be fine.
One, Ha, and Bru-
Thank you for taking the time to chime in on this. I really appreciate your perspectives.
I think you are all correct in that this is all him trying to control the situation still. I think my stress and emotion tied to all this stems from the fact that I could personally never lie about this sort of thing, and in a court/legal capacity. Sometimes I think the court will take his lies as truth because it takes someone really ballsy to falsify this info. Then again, I guess people do it all the time. I just don’t have it in me so it’s hard for me to brush it off.
I’ve remained consistent in my approach- meaning I’m just fighting for what’s fair. The judge has seemed pretty level headed with all our issues to date. The one thing that did shock the heck out of me and both my lawyer and his lawyer was bifurcating the marriage without the financials squared away. It blew all of us away.
So hopefully she will see this for what it is at our next appearance. Ugh it’s just so stressful.
Thanks again for your perspectives. I appreciate it.
Dang it! It’s weird. I’m kind of having a low day. They happen so far and few these days so I get disappointed with myself when I get sad over my situation.
The financial aspect is the hardest. This guy is relentless. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m in the battle but I’m battling for fairness. I’m not asking for anything more than I’m supposed to get. Heck I never even asked for moving expenses etc.
Anyway, it’s just so messy. It hurts. I have to wonder if our ww, was, or mlcer has any idea how hard the divorce process is when they go down that path. Let me tell you, if this was my divorce I would have chosen differently if I knew this is what I was in for. The nastiness of the divorce does not equate to the level of unhappiness in the marriage. It just doesn’t. I think that is what I’m upset about right now. It didn’t have to be this way.... it really didn’t.
I don’t think he feels any of this to the level I feel it. One he is soulless, and two he has money to get by. I just found out that he bought two investment properties after we separated. Of course he didn’t disclose this.
And 3 years ago he wanted me to declare fake bankruptcy with him. Of course I said no. Look at how well he has recovered.
And I’m struggling to make my rent, car payment, insurance, and lawyer fees and move on.
It’s so hard. I know he wasn’t a nice guy, but it didn’t have to be this way.
Ugh Pax! Sending you hugs. I know how hard this has been for you. I hope it gets resolved soon. Hang in there!
Hi Pax,
Thinking of you. D@mn, these MLCers really follow the same pattern, and us LBSers seem to respond the same way as well.
The nastiness of the divorce does not equate to the level of unhappiness in the marriage. It just doesn’t. I think that is what I’m upset about right now. It didn’t have to be this way.... it really didn’t.
You're speaking for both of us. I've already forgiven my wife for divorcing me - because you can't force someone to stay someplace they don't want to be. I've already forgiven my wife for why she said she wanted a divorce - because I know I'm watching her on an MLC trainwreck. I can't forgive my wife for HOW she divorced me, that has been the hardest thing to deal with. I still get eruptions of anger at how destructive and nasty she tried to make it.
Based on the research I did on MLC (as well as depression), you are lucky to keep the good memories of your marriage. Should your H come out of MLC one day, he will struggle to remember a lot, including many years of his marriage. Depression and memory loss go hand in hand.
I just found out that he bought two investment properties after we separated. Of course he didn’t disclose this.
, if they don't already know. I don't know what the D laws are like in your corner of the world, but here in Illinois anything a spouse does with money during a marriage is considered a marital asset (money, property, valuables, etc.) I think only inheritances are excluded. Even if you're separated, you're still technically married, and any investments he made during this time might be considered a marital asset. Do not let him walk away with everything.
One he is soulless, and two he has money to get by.
Yes, indeed. The second half of that sentence drives the first. Expect his greed and desire towards money to continue well after the D is over. They will spend quite some time trying to buy happiness, because it's easier to do that for a moment of pleasure rather than acknowledge the giant black hole inside them.
Fight for what's fair, prepare yourself for some monstering on his end, and stay on the high road in your responses.
Pin and Bru thank you so much for chiming in. I appreciate it.
I think I’m going through my own mlc right now.... ok maybe not full blown, but I definitely have the blues and I’m trying to make it better. As you all know, I deal with my ex’s shenanigans the best I can, and I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the last few years... but I think Ive hit a wall. I’m exhausted and sometimes the legal stuff just [censored] the life out of me. I’m not a high conflict person at all so this all has taken its toll. I’m so done.
There’s a lot of factors coming into play right now.... my birthday is coming up and it’s the age that I predicted I would be done having kids by. Well, i have no kids and no father prospects either. That is super depressing. I’m not sure it’s going to happen for me and it makes me so sad.
I’m at the top of my career in my job at my company. I won’t be able to advance further unless I change roles/ departments. I’m happy with my work, but I want to get new skills so I can be even better at it. I’ve been wanting to go back to school, but I can’t afford it. (Actually I’m not sure I’m even allowed to go back to school with the legal stuff that’s going on).
In any case, I could definitely use a little more income to feel more comfortable especially right now since I have thousands (plural) going out each month to pay for the accountant and lawyer. It stresses me out, but I’m scrappy and don’t spend too excessively. My once a week personal training just got eliminated and I’m sooooooo upset about it because it is a huge help to me personally and cheaper than therapy. But I have to do what I have to do. I must sacrifice.
Speaking of therapy.... I need to start going back and talking to someone...especially since I’ve been feeling a little low for a while now. I think it could help. Fortunately, I have it covered through my medical benefits so I will make an appt to just talk with someone. I don’t have anything concrete to say and I’m sure it’s all part of the grieving process, but I guess I’m looking for a little guidance to help me move forward since I’ve stalled out.
Back in 2016 when I was about 9 months into this mess a physician friend of mine recommended a self help conference for me to attend out of state. This 4 day workshop was sooooo beneficial, I’ve been thinking of trying to find a way to go back for the second part of the workshop that goes much deeper. Maybe it will be a birthday present to myself.
Going back to finances, I’ve been looking into side hustles so I can make just a little bit more money. I would love to try and find a way to reinvest it into some classes for myself as well.
And the draw to change up my personal appearance is also strong. I’m just feeling very unsettled with my self I guess. I’ve had feelings of depression for about 3 months now. At first I thought it was because I finished my goal of competing in a bikini body building contest. I just thought I had the post-show blues and my hormones were probably out of whack from the strict low fat diet. But a few weeks passed and it never really got better, however, i did find that I was eating my feelings away. A few weeks after that, I went to wedding with my best friend out of the country and we parlayed that into a mini vacation. I had the best time, but when I got back those feelings of sadness came creeping up again!! Arg.
Also, It’s been getting harder to get out of bed in the morning (I also blame that on the weather changing), and I even wore the same outfit to work 2 days in a row! That is terrible and I would never normally do it, but it’s all I could do to get going.
So yeah.... I guess the silver lining is, Im aware of these feelings of sadness. Pre and post bd I wasn’t aware of these feelings though I was definitely depressed in life.
So, there ya have it. Maybe more depression than a full blown MLc, but I will say, I wouldn’t mind a fling with some hot young guy right now! I get why the mlcers do it!
Onwards.
Hope you all have a nice week.
Ok, that's all the bad stuff. Now tell us all the good stuff. Even if you have dig pretty deep. You know its there.
Hi OneArt,
You are right. The good stuff is there. I keep losing sight of it. I’ll get to good stuff momentarily...
This weekend, I caught myself telling my mom that I felt like my head was in the clouds... it was so foggy. I didn’t make the connection until the next day or two. Weird!!
Anyway, the fact that I’ve acknowledged that I haven’t been feeling so great has actually helped. I’ve been stir crazy and yet have zero energy to do anything about it, I haven’t been sleeping, I cry at the drop of a hat. I cried dropping off my dog with my ex. It’s not good. But I know I can make choices that will give me momentum in a different direction. I wouldn’t have been this self aware if I haven’t gone through what I have the last few years. That’s a blessing in itself.
So the good stuff....
I continue to be amazed how I am supported both personally and professionally. I’m not good at asking for help, so I am shocked that when I absolutely must lean on others, they are there for me. (My ex never was).
That always fills me with gratitude. I always feel a responsibility to help others in their time of need, and yet refuse to ask for help on my own. I think I’ve learned that people WANT to be there.
My friend recently gave me the best motivational speech. She knows that I’ve had such a hard time with the ex nonsense and she knows that I’m just done. (Background- I am in this financial purgatory that just keeps getting worse and worse. Im responsible.... I don’t deal with issues like this. I always have my act together. So, to have to deal with this is not OK by me. It’s a direct violation of my values and that’s what makes it harder. )
Anyway, she said- remember when the cubs had that rain delay at game 7 of the World Series? That’s where you are at right now. I know it [censored] right now, but you can come back and win this (meaning life)... this is just your rain delay.
It was so sweet of her, because I just want to be done with this financial torture. She knows how hard I’ve worked on myself, and all the sacrifices and tears up to this point, I can keep going and see this through the end. I have it in me. I’m just feeling very defeated. My ex seems so untouchable.
So, at the end of the day, Im trying to get that wheels back on the bus. Time to get back to journaling, and meditation, and time for myself to just breathe.
Those are an excellent start and I'm glad that you can see that.
I hope Andrew comes along because he always talks about the Art of War, which I read so long ago I've forgotten it. But I think there is something there (or somewhere else) about not engaging in the fights you don't have to. Sometimes you just have to take the blow, sometimes you have to deflect it, sometimes you have to find another way, and sometimes, usually when protecting yourself and the things you value, you have to fight.
Is the situation with the ex one where you can just accept it and move on?
Is it one where you can do nothing and let him burn himself out with his hatred and vitriol?
With the very narcissistic ones you can't fight the fight. They love the fight. You also can't lay there. They love doormats. You have to outwit them or outlast them. Most of them are pretty shallow.
Do you need something specific from the case? Can you distract him away from what that is and make him think it is something else you really want and must have?
Are there deadlines pushing the action, or can you do nothing and wait and let him spin and burn himself out? If you can, that's what I would do (shall I say am doing--I've told my lawyer I won't spend one dollar unless I am absolutely forced to spend it. His case. He needs to move it forward. It's cheaper to just sit and wait.).
If you fight him blow for blow, you will lose. He will fight to the death, he will fight bloody, and he will cheat to win. If you can, do nothing. Just wait. There will come a time when he wants it to be done. When he wants it to be over. And then it will be over.
Don't show him stress. Don't show him fatigue. Can someone else exchange the dog so he doesn't get to see you cry. He doesn't deserve to see your emotion.
I hope Andrew comes along because he always talks about the Art of War, which I read so long ago I've forgotten it. But I think there is something there (or somewhere else) about not engaging in the fights you don't have to. Sometimes you just have to take the blow, sometimes you have to deflect it, sometimes you have to find another way, and sometimes, usually when protecting yourself and the things you value, you have to fight.
LOL - You called? My copy is the Lionel Giles translation. Also available as an audio book on Librivox which I'll be listening to this weekend. Only 13 chapters if you bypass the analysis.
A few things from Sun Tzu. Intelligence is key. The more you know about your enemy, his strengths and weaknesses the better you will do.
Always fight from a defensible position of strength. If you are challenged on ground that is not defensible, leave it. When you can, steal your enemy's supplies. That has a double benefit to you.
Never be in the path of a retreating army. They will destroy all in their path.
I did reasonably well in my divorce settlement because I knew or at least could strongly posit certain facts:
- She did not want to have her dirty laundry aired in court
- She wanted to preserve me as a Plan B despite the divorce
- She didn't want to "look bad" to our kids
- She expected to get her happily ever after with OM
I also did work on subtly hurting the relationship between her and her lawyer. I pointed out that her lawyer at that time was probably lawyer #4. They don't like clients who switch around. I also was able to catch her in a couple of large lies that she made to her lawyer. Lawyers "really" don't like clients who lie to them. This was a tricky one. I couldn't be subtle, but I also couldn't be too nasty otherwise I would have just been bitter and ignored. I was told later by my lawyer that the opposing lawyer really wasn't trying very hard.
I gave in easily on things that didn't matter to me. She roamed through the house "shopping" several times. I preserved her family heirlooms including plants until she could come for them. Those "defeats" cost me nothing I wasn't willing to lose. They also made me look very reasonable. Everyone was astounded by how "nice" I was. That made it easier to be firm on things that mattered - such as a clean break and getting her off my health insurance etc.
One thing that I also told myself was that there was nothing that she could do to me that could be worse than what she had already done to me.
I also focused on keeping the settlement as simple as possible. So we agreed that the value of property she took was roughly equivalent to what she left behind. I kept my pension (see Plan B comment). I am paying a fixed amount of support for a fixed amount of years where both parties will not go back to re-negotiate. If she ever did get in with OM (seeming more unlikely by the day) she would have both his and my money.
Since we both knew exactly what the financial position was, I laid it all out, made three offers and told her "That's all the water that's in the well" which she knew to be true.
Take from this what you will. There was a very good article on another site which instead of thinking about what was "fair" took the point of view of "what will you be willing to pay to have the pain stop". I can't link it but that perspective was very helpful to me.
You can fight and fight and pick your hill to die on. Or you can surrender the hill and live in the peaceful valley. I chose peace over victory.
You are also coming at this Pax from a different perspective than I did as I "lost" the most financially as the higher income earner. But I won a peace and a future.
Well said AndrewP.
Pax_luv - my separation was over quickly. The outcomes was and is bizarre. I have no first hand knowledge in dealing with a spouse who is dragging things out and so narcissistic. From what you have said, and others have posted, it looks very trying and draining.
I am glad you recognize the depression you are struggling through. Letting others know that you would like support is not a sign of weakness. You are right, people want to help - do your part and let them know how they could help. Usually just listening is a great start. I know it seems strange but something like - I am having some troubles and I would really like to just tell you about them. It clearly shows you reaching out and what you need, and people love to help and feel useful.
Anyhow, I’ve been quietly following along and thought I’d pop in and say hello.
Thank you Andrew, I knew I could count on you (and I'm glad you are finally showing how devious you are). Pax, I know you can't tell us the details but between your Art of War master and someone who knows a little about cluster B's and the law, maybe we could help you come up with a list like Andrew's.
You guys...thank you so much for chiming in. I appreciate it.
I can’t really quote on my phone, but OneArt, you mentioned the narcissist and how they love the fight. Yes, that fits my ex to a t. He looooooooves the fight and loves the opportunity to think he has outwitted his opponents. That was always something that I thought was odd with his personality as I am the complete opposite. While I am empathetic, I quickly became a doormat with him. This was brought up in our counseling by our t, but he continued to blame me.
So, at the end of the day, like you mention OneArt, this is just going to have to be a situation where he burns himself out.
In terms of fighting, I’m still not on the offense... I’m still playing defense trying to protect myself from his bullying and lies.
Thanks for filling me in on the art of war, Andrew. Speaking of playing defense..... I am pretty familiar with who I’m dealing with so at least I have that on my side. I know some of the plays in His playbook. Had I not known what he was capable of, I may have made some pretty monumental mistakes early on... but because I knew he was manipulating me, I was able to stand up for myself, which caused a whole lot of fury on his end.
Thanks for the kind words DNJ! I appreciate them. The blessing for all of us is our ability to see things differently either in our current state or our future state. I appreciate the awakening and awareness that has developed as a result of the experience.
I can’t share too many details of the situation, but I’m in a community property state. He’s trying to ensure I walk away with zero, zilch, nada and I pay him spousal support. If you even knew the crap he has pulled, you would be floored. Our accountant uncovered some things I didn’t even know.
I hope I don’t offend anyone with this gender stereotype (I don’t mean to be offensive) but this guy is not a man. He’s a sorry excuse for a man. What kind of man makes the decision to divorce his wife, wipe out their bank accounts, lie, lie, lie, buy cars and houses (plural) after the separation and claim that the wife (who is literally barely living paycheck to paycheck) makes more than him and should owe him spousal support.... when he makes 4 times more than her. That’s not a man at all. Again... apologies for referencing that kind of stereotype... but he’s a dirtbag weasel. There’s no honor or duty in his veins.
So, a mini update.... recent developments have me suspecting that ex’s lawyer may soon be getting the boot. I feel bad, he seems like a nice enough guy. He’s probably not used to dealing with this caliber of human.
In other news, I’ve been working really hard on getting out of my funk and it’s helping. I’m still a bit stir crazy and want to switch things up (maybe throw caution to the wind a lil), but I’m not walking around with sheer sadness. I’ve been exercising, forcing myself to eat better, I’m reading, and just trying to take care of myself. It’s working!
That’s all I got for now. I, once again, am picking myself up by the boot straps and taking steps forward. I can do this.
Much love to you all.
Pax, I'm glad you know what you are dealing with and understand that issues are his and are not personalizing them. I just finished reading the book by the CEO of Facebook whose H dropped dead at a young age. It is a great tool for helping to process grief, build resilience and find joy in your life. I suggest you check it out if you can. It isn't a divorce book, but again about feelings and has a lot of examples of people who faced tough situations in their lives and rose above them. Triumph of the human spirit if you will.
He may be trying these awful things, but he won't be the first to do so and he won't be successful. I'm sorry this has dragged on so long. If I ever see mine make a move for bifurcation I will fight a bloody battle on that. It really is a crime. Without the actual D keeping him honest, his games can continue until he tires of paying for them or can't find another lawyer to help him with that agenda, but let's be honest, just like there is always a woman willing to be with one of these dirtbags, there is always a lawyer ready to take on even the most offensive client.
Keep in mind that this divorce is his last ability (save the dog) to stay in your life and to exercise control over you. Once you belong to a narcissist, you belong to them forever. Try to view it as an element of his dysfunction rather than a desire to hurt you. In other words, try not to personlize, try to see it as something that does have an end date, and as something that affects only this one part of your life. If you read the book I mentioned, these things will make sense. Also, keep in mind that it could be worse. It is said that is a helpful component in getting through tough times. You could still be married to him, you could have children with him and have to deal with this for the rest of your life, and you could be worse off financially, emotionally, and socially. You are going to get through this.
I'm glad you are working on your funk. Check out the book if you get a chance.
Hi One-
Thank you for that book rec. I’ll check it out.
So, the last two days have been weird. I have been deeply affected by the senate judiciary hearing about the Supreme Court nom. I can’t stop thinking about it and what it all means for our country, society, and the scotus. I’m deeply, deeply triggered by all of it. Background- I’ve never been physically or sexually assaulted, nor am I extreme left or right wing. I’m just a woman who believes in doing right.
Anyway....
I won’t get into the details as they aren’t pertinent, but I’m personally troubled with the severe repercussions of speaking up.... especially to those with power.
In my profession, I partner with a lot of leaders and executives to lead programs and intiatives. One of my partners, whom I’ve worked with for almost a decade, was recently promoted to one of our most senior positions and his ego is on another level. It’s disgusting. He happens to be a homosexual male in his mid 50s and I’m in my mid 30s. He now looks at me like I’m this childish bimbo secretary from the 60s and treats me like sh*t. (And please note I’m only using the secretary comment to describe how out of touch he is with the workforce of today).
He’s degrading and condescending and disrespectful. I’ve shared some of the interactions and frustrations with my boss and I’ve had some difficult conversations with him, where he always turns it around on me. He is beyond disrespectful and I know this behavior is totally inappropriate in the workplace (and in society!) and his behavior reflects poorly on the company. Honestly, he reminds me of a whiny baby who has temper tantrums all day long. He scoffs and rolls his eyes all the time when I speak and is like- this [censored], this is NOT good, blah blah blah blah
Anyway, I don’t feel like I can speak up and report the behavior without it backfiring big time. My efforts up til now have backfired- he used to tell me that I had to work on the weekends to get stuff done (ps I don’t work for him, I work with him) and I told him that it is my choice whether or not I will work on the weekends and I wasn’t going to do the task he wanted... well, he brought it up in other meetings where he told our colleagues that I don’t work on the weekends. (But the way he did it was a dig). Ie- “now, now, now, we cant have pax do that because that might be extra and she won’t do it if it requires her to work on the weekend.”
I also have trouble with the way our relationship has evolved since his promotion, because it brings me back to my relationship with my ex. Where nothing I did was ever good enough. It was always- “ you missed a spot” “you can’t park right” “you’re doing it wrong” “ youre stuuuuuupid” Ughhhhhhhh. I have to be honest.... I think this has been contributing to the depression I’ve been feeling.
So... today... I was in my office listening to the senate vote while I was preparing for a meeting with him. It was really nice because he had been on vacation for two weeks, but I knew that meant he was going to be on me during the meeting so I was trying to be overly prepared. And you know what, I could barely leave my office to go upstairs and meet with him. It was like I was paralyzed. This is what i do in extreme times of stress. I freeze. I wish I was one of those fight or flight folks... but I freeze. I gave myself a pep talk, took deep breaths, chugged some coffee and ended up heading up to the meeting 7 minutes late. In that time, he called my office twice but I let it go to voicemail.
I did my meeting.... it was as expected. He’s just an arrogant baffoon. And I just sat there and did my thing, the whole time thinking about the repurcussions of speaking up. Sometimes it’s just easier to take the disrespect, condescension, and, at times, verbal abuse.
Hmmmmmmm. For a long time, I wrote it off like- oh that’s just him. He’s harmless. He’s persnickety, but that’s just because he wants it right. Then when he got the big-man title, he went off the rails! He’s literally said to me- I’m ruling with an iron fist now! Ugh. Disgusting.
Oyyyyyyy...There’s a part 2 with this dilemma that I’ll get to tomorrow. It’s 2am and I need some sleep!
Hello,
Coming on here because I’m making myself sick with anxiety and I’m hoping if I let it out, I can Move forward with my day.
I should be getting the financial analysis from the forensic accountant as early as today and I’m scared. What if he did that good a job covering up his finances? I know her findings aren’t the end all be all, but they will set the tone for many things.
One of the things she was evaluating was amount available for support. Ex wanted spousal support from me. On paper I make more than him and at first glance that is was she told me.
Behind the scenes, ex made about 4 times more than me, but he kept it in his business. (He’s the only party in that business) So, he only gave himself a paycheck when he/ we really needed it. And since his business was part of a huge lawsuit, he “mysteriously” dwindled away all that business’ money, shut it down, and started a new one after our separation. Oh yeah. He also bought houses and cars after separation.
We had joint accounts for things, but I didn’t realize that he was using my income to pay for our expenses while he behind the scenes wasn’t contributing to us. As a finance guy, I trusted him to be doing the right thing and looking out for both of us. That wasn’t the case..... ever.
I pray and pray and pray that the accountant could make sense of this. But she’s totally impartial so I don’t even know she knew to look at the sort of thing.
The other thing we are evaluating is ownership of the house. There’s a lot of crap behind that. Originally his business bought the house to flip, but we decided to buy it from the business and it became our private residence that we would continue to work on together and raise our family in. That is when we took out a mortgage together, co-signed, and we bought it from the business. . He keeps trying to say it was his business’ first and I have no rights. Such a jerk.
Anyway... I’ve been waiting for this analysis for 15 months and I’m terrified for what the analysis says. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m applying for another job just to make ends meet. And I already have a good job that consumes a majority of my time. I can’t imagine working every hour of every day just to get by. It’s too much. I’m honestly just scared.
Pax, slow down and breathe. You are borrowing trouble. Totally understandable and you have endured a special kind of h@ll. If she does miss things, then you will deal with it. But right now you don't know that she has and you are making yourself feel worse by your worry.
Just as all the parade of horribles you are imaging could come true, it could also be true that she caught all of this. These are pretty typical things for small business owners and one of the reasons that finances for lending are much more heavily scrutinized when you have someone who owns something like more than 16% of a business. She could well have caught all of his shenanigans and the report could be very favorable to you. You just don't know.
Please listen to some guided meditation to calm down. Keep yourself busy. Get some exercise to work the adrenaline out and keep the cortisol at bay.
Sometimes when your trust is so violated it is hard to believe that the system works, but it usually does.
We are here for you Pax. What you are going through is understandable. But you have survived worse and you will get through this too.
One, thank you so much. You nailed it smack dab on the head
“Sometimes when your trust is so violated it is hard to believe that the system works, but is usually does.”
This is the issue. My trust has been violated in ways I never could have imagined. He’s “gotten away with” so much. For a long time, I knew that I had integrity on my side, but somehow he’s been able to skirt the system time after time.
I appreciate you talking me off the ledge. Just trying to breathe. Thank you.
Hello there!
Had a few moments of gratitude and wanted to come here and share with you all.
I started talking with my db coach 3 years ago. Ex and I had been separated for several months and I was still standing strong and wanting to do my part to “fix” things as best as possible. Since we were separated, there really wasn’t anything I could do but work on myself. Challenge accepted.
The coach was trying to help me find things that brought joy to my life. Well, in that endless darkness, it didn’t seem like I had any joy anymore. I couldn’t even make something up! So, he asked me, “What’s one thing you always wanted to do but you never did because you were married?”
The answer came easily. I always wanted to try and run a half marathon, but I never pursued it because 1) with my busy job, I didn’t want to be away from my husband and dog any more than necessary. My weekends were for them. And 2) I wanted to do it with my ex but he always complaining that I was too slow and it was painful for him. So.... I just stopped running all together. (Side note- this will never happen in my future relationship... keeping some part of my life separate is way too important)
Anyway, a couple months later, I ran my first half marathon and it was so emotional! Following that, I’ve done several more half’s, triathlons, marathons, a body building competition and more... that one statement from my DB coach was such a catalyst for me getting my groove back.
Well, this morning, I did another half. But here’s the difference—- it was no big deal! I went out to a party the night before with a bunch of new friends, had some wine, had a few hours of sleep, got up, walked the dog, threw on my running shoes and stuffed some gu packets in my sports bra and off I went.
Part of the course was on A leg of my first half and it ALL came coming back to me. I don’t usually take the time to reflect on how far I’ve come, but holy moly, I’ve come so far! And I’m so grateful. It was crazy to relive the memories of me about to complete my first half marathon... something I never thought my body would do, and here I am three years later just strolling along... no big deal. It’s part of who I am. Just amazing.
It was crazy to have that reflection and it was awesome and emotional at the same time. Wow... time really is our friend and we really can transform our lives into something we never thought possible. Obviously, the physical feat is just the icing on the cake... there’s so much more to this journey than that. But unimaginable positive progress is so possible!
I have an update on the ex stuff, too. But I don’t want to address it right now. No need to ruin the vibe!
Wishing you all a lovely day!! Keep going! You got this!
Yeaaaaah Pax! So happy to read this! You have come so so so far. I am glad you the realization of how far you have come hit during the race. Must have been a nice adrenaline race. On to 2019!
Heyyy Pinn!!! Thank you! We’ve both come a long way, my friend.
It’s friday night and the first time in a long time that I feel relaxed! I revel in these moments as I’m normally a ball of stress and anxiety. I appreciate these moments of solace.
My year is winding down for work and I have a few more projects to wrap up and then I’ll actually have some time in the office to get work done and start planning for 2019. I’m going to have a nice few weeks of calm and I’m excited for that. My job has been really consuming the last few months so I’m excited to make more balance.
A little update-
I continue to keep oneart’s statement in my mind.. “when your trust is so violated, it’s hard to believe that the system works, but it usually does.” One- this has been more helpful than you know. I’m finally starting to get some movement (albeit they’re micro baby steps) in the legal side. And my lawyer has advised that even though everything feels really scary right now, it’s only because of the circus that my ex had turned this into. At the end of the day, things should be ok. Gotta trust the process.
With that, I continue to move forward being compliant with everything I need to be compliant with.
I have huge bills between the lawyer and cpa so I started to take steps to get a second job. I alerted my lawyer who let me know that additional income will also be used to determine any support I can provide to ex or in paying for his legal fees. So I paused in my tracks. Why would I work myself to death to support him?!? That’s nuts. Ughhhh. It’s a d@rn if you do, d@rn if you don’t scenario.
I’ll just stay in financial limbo for a little bit longer.
On another note... I picked up my dog today from ex and the poor pup is doused in ex’s cologne. Of course the first thing I do when I see my pup is pick him up and snuggle with him and now it’s all over me too! I’m thinking to myself, how on earth did he get all this cologne on him??? And then, I had to think if ex would do it on purpose??
Anyway, I’m going to change and shower. I’m annoyed that I smell like him and I’m debating if I should bathe my dog too. He doesn’t seem to mind... but I don’t want ex’s smell in my bed, either! I don’t feel anything about it other than thinking, “how obnoxious!” Bleh.
Well, time to finish my dinner (is there anything better than piping hot pizza and a yummy red blend?) and watch a Christmas movie on hallmark. It’s weird to think that this is going to be my 4th holiday season without ex. So strange!
That’s all I got for now....wishing you all a lovely weekend
It would not surprise me if he did it intentionally. Get it resolved, then get the extra job. Glad you are seeing the tide turn. Enjoy the dog, the pizza and the movie!
Thanks OneArt!
Well, I think I figured it out....
Now that the cologne has dissipated a little bit. I can tell my that my dog smells a lot like women’s perfume (Chanel?). It seems like my pup has been snuggled up to a lady.... and ex put dabs of his cologne on the dog to cover it up before I got him! I can smell the exact spots where he dabbed it on.
What a sneaky sleaze-bag!!!
I guess he thinks you thought he divorced you to live out his lifetime dream of becoming a Trappist monk. Viewing it in a kind way, perhaps he was trying to protect your feelings.
Hi OneArt,
I like that different frame of mind thought process.... if he had an ounce of anything towards me (like protecting my feelings) I would fall to the floor.
2 things going on right now.
1) i really have made some shifts the past few months. It’s like you go through these dark periods and come out stronger. A few months ago, I noticed myself falling into a little depression... I’ve gotten out of it and my feelings towards ex have shifted a bit. I notice myself being able to talk about him again and even caught myself sharing stories about him over the last few weeks. It doesn’t pain me to recall memories or experiences. I think that is detachment. It catches my family off guard a bit because for so long I couldn’t talk about my situation at all without being upset by it. Now don’t get me wrong... I’m pretty frustrated and stressed out by the fact that I’m still in this INSANE legal battle, but I don’t even know the guy on the other end. And while his actions are rediculously obnoxious, I’m not bothered by him. I’m bothered that I have to deal with it.... but there’s no emotion there towards him.
Tonight, I had to go out and run an errand with a friend and we drove by my old house. He had decorated it with Christmas decor already. Last year was the first year he decorated since we split and I was upset by it. Christmas was my holiday (he didn’t celebrate it before I came into the picture) and I was upset that he was continuing our tradition that I brought into his life. In my mind, I was hurt because that must have meant he was doing a-ok after causing so much he!! and destruction for me. I projected my feelings onto his behavior—I was too sad to decorate because it represented happy memories for him and I, therefore I made up that he was doing great. (I didn’t explain this as well I could have so it might not make sense)
Anyway, after seeing the decor so early on this year, I was thinking about it and expecting myself to feel sad or jealous or whatever.... but it’s just not there.
I think I have gotten to the point where he as a person doesn’t bother me anymore. Stuff still bothers me, but He doesn’t. Weird. It might come back around unexpectedly... but for now I really couldn’t care less.
2) the other thing that I know I need to move through is my feelings of inadequacy. I really was brainwashed by ex and sometimes I find myself falling into similar patterns where I am apologizing for things I didn’t even do wrong, where I’m afraid to not rock the boat, where I sacrifice too much of myself in order to make others happy.
I don’t do this with everyone, but I have a male colleague who 100% shows signs of narcissism (big shot executive who thinks he rules the universe and is very verbally abusive) and I’m recognizing that he’s sucking the life out of me because I’m letting him. We’ve been partners for years and I find myself falling into the same trap I did with my ex. I get so beat down that I become paralyzed and then it starts to leak into other areas of my life.
The good news is I recognize myself falling into old patterns, but I think I need help with this! I even went as far as to look into a narc abuse recovery support group. The closest one is about 30 miles away, but I could use some tools. And I don’t even know if this is exactly what I need. But I need to somehow learn not to walk on eggshells in order to not disrupt other people who are controlling In nature. I’m not doing anything wrong... in fact I twist myself into a million knots to do things right... and it still gets me nowhere. I wouldn’t say I’m codependent with this guy... maybe I’m just too much of an empath which makes me a great target.
Well, those are the musings for this evening.
I don’t know what it is... I’ve been finding myself drawn to the boards more lately. While I really don’t feel like I can offer advice or guidance, I still learn so much from seeing how others navigate these hardships. So, thanks everyone, for sharing your journeys here.
Hope everyone stateside had a nice thanksgiving!
So.... can I take back what I posted above where I said “ex as a person doesn’t bother me anymore?”
I lied!
Well... we all know the holidays do affect the mlc’r. Some of them, like me ex, tend to torment as a way to exercise their control.
He just sent a jerk email to me and copied our lawyers about an issue my dog is having and couldnt help but put a dig in there to make me look like a bad dog parent (as if this is all my fault) and then proceeds to list out the way to manage the situation including foods my dog should eat.
And I’m just like—- ahhhhhhh I hate you!!!!!
Stop blaming me for everything and trying to make me look bad, and stop treating me like I’m 5! I know what my dog eats... including what he can eat if he’s not feeling well.
I don’t know why this set me off, but I’m p!ssed. He’s relentless.
Pax_luv
Sometimes after reading other readers, I feel my story isn't that crazy....
Not.... I think us LBS with MLC only know the H3ll we go through.
It sounds crazy. But I know is not. My ex still wants to even control me
Tells GAL, M doesn't tell me anything about herself is like M is hiding
things from me. I just shake my head. Yes I keep my personal life away
From W. We are no longer Married.
W, but we will always be best friend...
I just shake my head.
So (((((PAX))))) just smile this mean Ex has you on his mind...
Funny how they tend to reappear around the holidays. Your ex doesn't have anything else to do but poke at you about something that isn't important in the eyes of the lawyers. I'm sure the lawyers are shaking their heads over this nonsense about the dog.
Shake your head and let it go. He's a lonely man who doesn't know how to fix himself.
BTW, marina is right...you are definitely on his mind. Remember...they want attention...no matter if it is positive or negative.
Marina and job, thank you so much for your insights. I appreciate your comments and perspectives.
I had an interesting 24 hours thinking about ex.
I was frustrated with the fact that it’s been over 2 years since our situation turned extra hostile and I’m so over it... I can’t understand why he isn’t.
We were OK leading up to his final ultimatum 2 years ago. He knew my thoughts around the divorce and how I didn’t think it was the answer. I followed db to a t... friendly neighbor, gal on my own, 180s etc. I think he did notice and had resentment around it. He thought he could control this divorce from the get go. Even our mc at the time told him he was nuts for thinking I would go along with whatever he said. He offered me 20k to walk away and give up my dog.... and that was his final offer... he wasn’t going to be as generous afterwards. <—— I laugh at this now.
Well, lawyers had to get involved and I have a much better picture of how he was manipulating me the entire marriage. It didn’t matter because as long as I was on his team doing exactly as he wanted.... everything was fine. The second I “disobeyed” him or had feelings of my own, all he!! broke loose.
Anyway, I digress. When I refused his “offer” that’s when ALL the spew came out and our relationship has been hostile ever since. Sometimes I feel like he continues his terrible actions as a way to say “see, I told you not to mess with me.”
Coming back to present day... I’m like woah- how much longer can he hold onto this hatred? I know there’s angst there because he is getting exposed for all his financial games, but that’s not my problem.
So, i ruminated on that a bit. Went to bed and had one of those dreams where I’m getting chased by a “bad guy” and no matter what I do or where I turn, he is always one step ahead of me to ensure I’m trapped. This theme has been a recurring dream over the last few years. Towards the end of the dream, the guy threw a giant ninja star at my head and literally cut my skull open. I was able to get help and quickly stay conscious enough to make phone calls to the ones I loved to say goodbye. Then the ambulance came but it wasn’t a real ambulance and I knew it was him trying to trick me to going into the fake ambulance. I felt myself fading and I knew it was the end. I couldn’t run from him anymore and I was going to die anyway so I walked to the ambulance knowing it was his trick. I couldn’t outrun him anymore.
And that was the exact moment I woke up. And when I did I had a splitting headache.
A few minutes after I woke up... I was pretty alert and I had an epiphany re: the latest issue with the dog. I realized he is scared (our last dog died of lung cancer, he had a terrible chronic cough, and it was hard on my ex), and our dog has a cough resembling kennel cough. Hearing the dogs cough even brought me back to those days of having a dog dying of cancer.... not fun. I think he sent that nasty email and copied our lawyers out of fear. It has nothing to do with me, I’m just on the receiving end of it all.
I can only make up things... but he really could be a scared and hurting human and that’s why he keeps lashing out at me. We know MLC isn’t about us... it’s just hard when you’re in legal proximity.
I’m trying to look at this through a lens of compassion.
They, like others, will lash out at the ones that they love because they know that we can take it. Mlcers are truly scared kids who are learning how to grow up. In the case of your dog, now that you've mentioned the passing of another one...yes, he is scared and concerned about the well being of the dog and the only way, in his mind, that he can get his concern across was to copy the lawyers on the note.
They can harbor anger for a very long time until it is spent. Just imagine how much time and energy it takes to remain angry at someone and not really know the reason that they are angry. Continue as you have been. Your h needs compassion, prayers and patience. He's a lost boy in the woods trying to find his way out w/o too much pain in the process.
Hang in there! I think you've been doing great!
Pax, beautiful! Your post sounded very different when you switched lenses. It sounds like you were freed. I know that I have total PTSD for things like that -- and I have self-control, faith, compassion for others. So imagine how hard it would be to not be controlled by the PTSD if you were in MLC and totally unable to be self-reflective.
Good for you for having compassion for him, that's what I call super-human (divine) strength!
Pax,
What you just wrote, wow was like you wrote W and I
As long I agreed and Yes mam, W was happy
The moment I said No hell broke lose.
Now that I think about it, W got worse as kids got
Older, why because babies become kids and kids
Become little people with there own thinking and
W didn't like that. In W case W was over powered by
3 little people and I remember seeing W angry
So angry storming out.
I must say if W offered me 20k I would have been out
With kids
Unfortunately W took every dime we had left me and
Kids with less then $300. W thoughts where I have all
The items in the house. Wow...
But kids and I are managing.
I must say this MLC world is crazy.
Job, Gerda , Marina- thanks so much. While our circumstances aren’t ideal, I’m glad to walk this path with each of you.
The weirdness has ramped up in the last 24 hours. There’s A LOT happening on the legal front that I can’t share.. but it’s giving me anxiety.
I just had a quick little rant with my lawyer who totally gets the situation. I’ve always risen above ex and his lawyers nonsense but I’ve hit the wall and I just said... I’m so done with these goons (ex and his lawyer). The games are just out of control nor are they legal. It’s a circus.
Anyway, ex has an outstanding email to me that needs a response and I soooooo want to add some extra commentary in there. I feel detached enough that I don’t care if he bites back. (And yeah I’m sill trying to view him with compassion)
But sometimes nonsense calls for a reality check. I just want to reply back to him and say “bro... are you for real?! I feel like we’re stuck in 2015 and I have Dr. X (our mc) trying to drill into my thick skull that I will NEVER be good Enough for you. NOTHING I do will ever be good enough for you. To be at this juncture and still dealing with this is comical really. You and I both know that x,y,z is the truth. Time to stop with the games and face reality.”
Pax, I understand your situation all too well.
Do you give them a little supply to dose them and get your nasty out, or do you sit in silence. I only deal with him now on business and minor child. Minor child recently struggled and I gave him a chance to step up and was reminded again that there is no point. Very clear at the beginning of the call that he thought I was lying about the child and just trying to pursue him in some way (so not the case).
My guess, he reads anything you say that is not just business (check is in the mail, documents are signed, dog is available Wednesday) as pursuit and it only teaches him that if he wants a response (which he clearly does as it sounds like things are winding up for good soon--what will he have to mess with you about other than the dog?) he has to work harder for it. Mine has done some absolutely insane garbage. I've stopped recording it. What is the point. Remember, the only way to hurt a narcissist is not to respond to them. They will take the good, the bad and the ugly, all of them feel the same--vampire blood.
How did it go with the forensic accountant? Was it a thumbs up, thumbs down, or thumbs to the side? Were your concerns realized?
I actually got the analysis back today after I posted this morning.
I’m sick over it. The cpa obviously isn’t looking over the morality of the issues... she’s luck looking at money flow. And yep.. he ensured that my income didn’t go to our house. He funded it and paid for the improvements so it’s separare property. I can’t even keep it together. I was played like such a fool by him.
Pax, this just seems so difficult to believe and I am sure you are sick to no end to have your fears realized. I am sure that your attorney will come up with some way to challenge this and to point out the flaws in the analysis. I have been watching continuing legal education seminars on valuing businesses all day today and the analyst says over and over that there is a mechanical way to do these things but there there is also some art to it in terms of how these numbers are applied and where. You may want to talk to your attorney about whether having a valuator, rather than a basic CPA, take a look at this result and see if there is a way to attack it. Doing so should be cheaper--it is always easier to look for flaws in a document than it is to draft it. If there were any bad assumptions used in setting up the analysis, that alone will poison the result.
I'm sorry that you keep getting the short end here. I am just not aware of any jurisdiction where community property can be used to maintained by funds earned during a marriage and constitute separate property.
If he ends up with a disproportionate share of property (in my state even separate property), I would think that would cut against any claim he could make to spousal support (obviously his need for such support is lower). It may turn out that by "winning" one pot of resources, that he leaves himself vulnerable to another.
I know it isn't easy, but try not to borrow too much trouble until you have a chance to talk to your attorney about the effect of this, what you can do to challenge it, and how it impacts the other moving parts of the property disposition.
Thank you one.
Yeah. Sick to no end. I think it will be up to my lawyer now to say- what the h3ll kind of partnership was this??? It wasn’t. I gave my all income to us and he kept his income in his business.
Shady.
This marriage was never an equal partnership and he worked deliberately to ensure bag was he case. I had no idea. As a finance guy, I trusted him with our money and trusted wholeheartedly that he was looking after us. At least that’s what he told me.
So... now I must trust my lawyer to fight like hell for me.
And clearly I’m a mess with all these typos.
Just sick.
Could you maybe remind your lawyer that he was a finance guy and that you detrimentally relied on him (the statute of limitations for this should begin to accrue with the report you received today under a discovery rule). There are some torts that are potentially at play here that could possibly used to negotiate a much better result. Instantly, the ones that come to mind are breach of spousal fiduciary duty, fraud, breach of the duty of good faith and fair dealing, and equitable arguments (some theory of detrimental reliance or unclean hands). I think lawyers are often used to working in their own box and not looking outside of it. In my state, family law attorneys don't do much with black letter law and freak out if they have to do anything other than argue equities based on family law statutes. Perhaps his desire to avoid a civil suit from you when all is said and done is enough reason to be reasonable now. May be worth taking a free consultation with someone who specializes in financial torts, just to get an idea if there is anything there.
Also, consider whether his actions toward you might affect any licenses or registrations he may have. For instance, is he is a commodities broker or someone that needs to be on the right side of FINRA? There might be leverage there too if you would potentially have grounds to pursue a disciplinary action.
One- I’m so grateful for you right now. You have no idea.
I think my lawyer gets it. I shared with him my concerns from the get go and he always said “the court assumes equal partnership” kind of regardless of what ex did.
I’m going to raise your points with him.
I’m in a community property state so I hope that helps with all this.
And yeah ex has licenses.
I never thought I was going to have to be adversarial in this. I really thought I would have “right” on my side as long as as I walked through with integrity and honesty (while continuing to protect myself legally, of course)
It’s juat really scary right now. I’ve worked non-stop since I was 15. The fear of being 35 and having nothing, zero, nada to show for it freaks me out. I’m a contributer and I was building a life with this person. He drained our savings, wrote fraudulent checks in my name, and the list goes on. Hell, he even wanted me to declare fake bankruptcy with him when he was hiding money from another issue. I was like hell no!
It’s just the realization that all I was, was a disposable accessory to him. And our marriage was a sham. He never ever meant for us to build this together.
Pax, I think you are one of the few who has a true NPD. I know it is hard. I know how it feels to be made a fool and try to understand what was real and what wasn't and how you come to terms with a life that feels fraudulent.
I also know that at 35 you are young and have a lot of life and time in front of you. You are strong and wise. If you have to start over again, you will. This time you will keep your eyes open a little wider and probably your heart a little narrower (at least at the beginning).
I think it is maybe time to let go of it. All of it. Why keep dragging him with you. You will never know the "truth" or why he did what he did or if any of it was ever real. I think 26 used to quote that "constant wondering is constant suffering." But he has had enough of your minutes. Enough of your fear. Tell yourself every day, until now I was afraid, but now I am strong. Until now I worried, but now I am confident. Until now I feared the unknown, and now I embrace it.
Someone here brought up the Shawshank quote a while ago about swimming through three miles of sh*t to come out clean on the other side. You are almost there Pax. Take those last few strokes alone and you'll notice how much easier it is without that lifeless body you've been dragging behind you.
One, as always, thank you for the perspective.
I love that Shawshank quote!
Things have been bananas this week, but I’m not up for recapping that nonsense right now. One, I am ready to dump the body!!!
This is more of an upbeat message-
I’m not religious, but I am spiritual and even moreso since I’ve been here. The theme this week is angels.
They keep coming up everywhere I look! I shared this info with a friend who happened to give me an angel ornament with the kindest message about angels looking over me. She has been a rock of a friend throughout this whole ordeal and I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to pay her the grace she’s shown me.
Then another angel message popped up.... then my friend shared some angel message with me.... then another showed up in my horoscope today “not to worry bc angels are guiding me along” And then I got flowers delivered to my office with a card from my aunt saying “ there are angels in your balcony cheering you on. Keep treading through the deep water.. there is land ahead and a promise of a wonderful future.”
Oh my gosh! This is soooo crazy. Angels are everywhere and I feel peace in that.
Hola....
So it’s been a weird few weeks. I have a lot of stuff going on at work and it’s taking up a lot of my energy. It’s a huge lifesuck. I love my job, but I’m having a hard time office politics. I have to constantly remind myself to check my ego. So when I’m getting flustered by x, y, and z... I have to just remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and i do it with heart. Check your ego, girl!!!
On top of it, I’m dealing with ex and his shenanigans and I’m sooo drained. I know I’m close to being done with this all, but this ending might be the toughest part yet. I’m not going to be a broken record because I’ve gone round and round and round already... but I just am so perplexed by how he gets away with all this. Me and my lawyer do things to try and make it right... but then there’s always another curveball. You ever hear of those people that say, “you hurt me, I hurt you right back... and harder”. Well that’s him. At some point, we need to stop poking the bear... and we’re only doing it because he won’t comply! With anything!! It’s so crazy. It shouldn’t take 2 years to do the necessary paperwork in the divorce that you started, buddy!!!! He really thought he could get away with not disclosing certain elements. And he’s lying about businesses accounts, etc and yet, we’re the evil do’ers.
I am so tempted to just walk away... which is what he’s wanted all along.... I just can’t play his games anymore. I don’t have the strength or the will or the desire.
On another note... I haven’t felt like dating at all this year. I’ve been busy and focused on too many other things. I feel like I should put myself out there, even if it’s uncomfortable to do so and I don’t want to. The fact that my eggs are shriveling up and dying isn’t helping.
So today, I tried signing up for a dating app. There’s a problem with my iTunes account (someone tried to get in?!!) and I’ve been locked out. I don’t have the energy to investigate so I’ll take it as a sign.
Can I just nap through the holidays and wake when this is all over???
Pax I've never written to you and have in,y read your recent posts but please, please, please try to hang in there. Don't just give in and walk away. As you said, that is exactly what H wants you to do! Why should he be rewarded $$$ after everything. That's why you have an attorney. If it gets too difficult, detach, remove yourself and let you L handle it. You are strong enough to do this. It just means taking a new focus. You have to thunk "whatever" and let him do whatever he wants. Dont let it get to you. Eventually he will gave to comply and pay out what us court ordered. Get support from friends or family or support groups or amune you can but dint give into him!!!
Remember Pax that it is always darkest before dawn. You are almost there. I know your situation is difficult and you have had to deal with the mean, nasty monster the whole time, but soon he won't have anything to monster over. I can't tell you how many cases I have been involved in where the other side gets beyond nasty when they finally realize the jig is up and their stuff won't fly anymore. I think the end is super scary to these people.
Your eggs are not shrunken. You will have an Act II and it has to be better. Here are the things I have found that help: lots of hot baths with medicinal bubble bath, the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Prime, working on skin care (love True Botanicals oils), getting pedicures, and listening to popular women thriller type books on Audible (think Gone Girl, Girl on the Train). Add in some long walks, petting my cat, and being thankful for the people in my life. I will take the life I have now over the one I had before every single day.
You have this Pax. You have stood up to him longer than he ever thought you would and longer than you ever thought you could. You are a warrior.
Don and One, THANK YOU!
Yes, I know I need to keep persevering. I know it. It’s so difficult though. The emotional toll it takes on the other parts of my life feels like it’s not worth it, but I know it is.
I have good people on my sidelines shouting at me- Do Not Give Up.
I’m just done. I don’t want to fill out another form, provide any more documentation, continuing to add a price tag to my value as a human. It’s just rediculous. My lawyer is handling all the grunt work, but I need to do some things as well. It helps to keep the costs down!
I know this will be my last Christmas dealing with this. I know it. 4 years without ex, 3 years doing legal crap this time of year. I’m trying to not let it spoil another beautiful season, but it does affect me.
Musings-
I have some really great friends who I cherish so much. I’m so appreciative for how my social circle has expanded over the years. My friends are more my type now and I feel at home with them. My ex had a hard time with social relationships.. well.. he didn’t value any friendships other than the social aspect of it. If that makes sense. It never really felt authentic to me. And it wasn’t, because I lost all those “friends” when he dumped me, never to be heard from again. To this day, I have to question the story he told them all because I fell off the face of the earth. Maybe they really really really didn’t like me. Oh well.
I remember going out to fancy dinners and having $300 bottles of wine as that was important for the experience(rolls eyes). I remember the time we invited ex’s lawyer friend and his bimbo girlfriend to come to our house for a nightcap after dinner one night and my dog would not stop attacking her fox fur coat!!!! I’m like well... why in the world are you wearing a real fur!? I think he could actually smell that it was an animal!
Anyway, here’s where my reflection comes in-
I have been figuring out who I am the last few years.
On the surface, I’m reserved, polite, professional, and appearance wise- you would think I was a high-maintenance snob. I have manners and yeah, I appreciate nice things.
If you get to know me, I am actually a hot mess, I’m super silly and dorky, a little too empathic at times and I really just appreciate the simple things.
There’s definitely a huge dichotomy there and I’ve been working for years for trying to embrace it. But it’s been hard.
This all comes in to play when it comes to dating. I’ve been told that I’m really intimidating and untouchable, but that couldn’t be further from the truth (I think).
I just got an award at work and some of the feedback that was said about me was “she’s just so perfect. She says the right things, is always diplomatic, classy, graceful, etc. if a nuclear bomb went off and everyone was going crazy, she would be the one to help manage the chaos and be totally calm and collected..... and she should be a political correspondant on CNN”. (And then everyone was saying, yeah Pax looks like a news anchor!)
So sure.... those are compliments, but I hate that’s how people see me because I think I need to act that way all the time! And that would be exhausting! Yes, that’s a part of who I am for sure, but there’s so much more than that. I’m grateful for my dear friends who tell me I’m bougie, but still accept me when I’m not.
And this all leads up to a fancy male physician colleague who asked me out a few weeks ago and I brushed it off. He has a reputation as a womanizer and I am not interested though he is a lot of fun. I was told, he thinks I’m flawless. And I’m like ohhh hel! no. Im most certainly VERY flawed and I don’t want to even try to live up to those expectations.
That’s not a compliment.
So all this blah blah leads me to 1) trying to fully accept me for who I am and 2) figuring out how to find a partner who see’s me for who I really am and will love me for being me<~ and that’s going to be tough because I have all sorts of PTSD from my ex in that realm.
3) and lastly, I need to stop caring about what people think. Given all the sharing I did above, im concerned that people think I’m just some gold digger because I was a young attractive girl married to an older man and we had a good life. I worry that people think I’m not dropping this case because I’m trying to squeeze my ex dry. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. At all! I’m trying to just get my “stuff” out and leave him be. But in order to do that, I must continue to fight for it. It’s hard. And this piece has probably tormented me more than it should. I must stop caring what other people think. I know the truth and that should be enough.
So... to wrap up this blah blah journal entry. Ill just say, I’m doing the best I can. The “gift” of this journey is pulling back all the painful layers and just figuring it out and rebuilding a life that completely aligns with my core values.
That’s all I got.
Congratulations on the award! Be kind to yourself. It takes time to peel those layers back. I think you are doing great!
Oh thank you, Job!
So.. I know I was really long winded above, but I think it comes down to the issue of not feeling good enough for anyone.
After my ex quit mc, I saw the therapist separately to try to work through the pain. She kept trying to tell me that I was never going to be good enough for my ex. Nothing I do/did would ever be good enough for him.
Well, she was right. I was surprised that she identified that, however, it wasn’t anything she brought up when ex and I were seeing her together.
So, the whole marriage (relationship actually) I twisted myself into a thousand knots trying to please him. I never knew about gaslighting, I never knew about projection.. I only thought my ex had weird neurosies that required me to change In order to meet his needs. What a mistake... but i thought that was a sacrifice one makes in a serious relationship. I’m sure he felt like he was accommodating me, too. (Especially by allowing me to live in his house! Hahaha! I crack myself up... that was a joke for anyone following my sitch.)
So when people see me a certain way, I get totally freaked out that they expect me to be that way always. Truth is, I do have a very forward facing job where I’m in front of a lot of people. And that job has opened up my other social pathways in terms of my community involvement, etc. those mannerisms and behaviors translate into every other encounter- at the gym, at a restaurant, etc. I’m always polished and professional because that’s how I show up.... and I always “show up.” In a way, my job is a bit superficial because outside of the few colleagues I’m with on a regular basis, most people only see who I am on stage.
What people don’t see, is that all my energy gets sucked from me when I’m Around a lot of people (INFJ temperament) so when I go home I can barely even function.
So it’s just hard that people don’t get to see the real me. (That same therapist reminded me that ex never saw me). And I can’t help but “show up” at all my social functions... people just think that’s who I am, but I’m very different behind closed doors and I get terrified of living up to those high expectations that people have of me... especially men. Guys may think I’m a catch... and yeah I want to have enough self esteem to believe that.... but it freaks me out that being a catch means high expectations that I may not live up to. Arg. I was so beaten down by ex that I’m still trying to fill up my own love tank.
When I was contemplating starting an online dating profile last week, I wanted to actually post pics of me without any makeup and not looking my best... hoping someone would maybe like me for me.
Just interesting realizations.
Oh and I’ve learned to open up and be vulnerable and share some of my struggles with people just so they can get to know the real me and so I can show up authentically. I know that I can do that and let people in. When I tell them I’m a walking sh*t show, they don’t believe it at all.
And on that same token... I’m trying to accept that when I am showing up and on stage pretending to be a “know it all” that maybe I am truly that girl too and I should just embrace it. She’s a little hoity toity, and maybe I really am too.
Ok that’s all I got. And, as I say this, I don’t want to offend anyone by saying any type of temperament and social style is better than another... it’s not... just sorting through the differences for myself.
Oh and one last point-
Ex would always say “what’s the matter with you.. I thought I married a young hot wife....”
Things like that made me feel very insecure. I think he thought I was supposed to walk around the house in high heels and a teddy all done up while I made him his dinner every night. Seriously.
But you know what, maybe I would have been more obliged if he said something like- “oh babe.. I love it when you wear xyz” or “I like it when you...” or “it makes me feel special when....”
Vs- you never....youre supposed to.....what’s the matter with you
Ugh. That’s how I never lived up to expectations.
Hey ya Pax! Nice to see you posting again! You always dig deep... I like that. I learn a little bit each time you post, not just about you, but also about myself and relationships in general.
Ahhhh that pesky ‘not good enough’ mental model huh?? Yea... I think most of us probably deal with that one, I know I do. Looking back, I too faced a lot of criticism. That’s not fun and really takes a toll even if, at the time, we didn’t realize the damage being done. The ‘you never’ line really resonated with me. I got that a lot looking back.
Interesting about the no make up dating site pics idea, I have the same fear. In fact, when I was on those sites, I purposely hid superficial things that might make me attractive to some. If and when I go back, I’ll do the same.
Let me tell ya something.... I know for a fact that you are a catch! You are going to make someone very happy and I hope he makes you happy. The real Pax is a special gal... show the world! :-)
Pinn!!! Xoxoxo
Appreciate the words. I’m sorry to hear that you have that mental model as well. It’s not fun! So how do we get over it? Do we practice it by accepting ourselves wholly? I feel like I can do all the positive self talk in the world to try and do this....it’s just when other people come in to play and I get all neurotic about being totally ensuring I’m totally authentic and still not being good enough.
I don’t know about you Pinn, but I guess something in me is telling me that I really do want to find myself in another serious relationship soon. I’ve been on my own now for so long (3.5 years) minus a few flings here and there, that I think I can handle the real deal in terms of a long term relationship. I guess it’s hard with the fact that i still have so much divorce drama.. I’m technically not totally free, but dang have I done the work on myself..: I should be free.
So now that I think I’m ready, I’m forced to confront the next level of self discovery and reflection. I think I have to remember that hopefully I’ll be with a guy who is super special and who adds value to my current life vs me worrying about if I’m good enough for somebody... that gives too much power and control to someone. And that is not something I want to do. I just don’t want to relive those feelings and behaviors of just pretzeling myself because I’m “stronger” in whatever aspect so i automatically conform. Not even sure if I’m making sense.
Ok enough of that...
Nothing too much to report otherwise. Asked my lawyer to handle some tasks for me because I just don’t have it in me to try and get ex to cooperate with me on something. Of course myawyer obliged and he was way more efficient than I would have been. I guess that’s the price for sanity. I need it! Clearly I’m alover the place. Ohhhh bother.
Anyway, got some legal stuff going on this week balanced with lots of holiday parties. On Wednesday, I’m going to be dropping off a ton of gifts for a family we “adopted” for Christmas. I already know that is going to be a really emotional experience. Even reading the details about the family made me cry...I’m sure I’ll be a mess actually meeting them in person.
Oh and not to say I’m getting in a relationship tomorrow. Not at all. Obviously that takes a lot of time and effort and it could be further down the line than I’d like.... i just think I’ve reached that next level of this whole process and I’m accurely aware of some of the new things I need to work on.
Ahhh the be the Ignorant MLCer chasing everything that gives them temporary happiness so they don’t have to deal with this is uncomfortable growth
Popping in to journal, vent, release, whatever...
So, my ex is Jewish and doesn’t celebrate Christmas. When we were married, we celebrated. It was more about the gatherings and celebrating with friends and family more than anything. I come from a big family. Christmas is a big deal.
Well, ex and I don’t have a dog sharing schedule for the holidays and given the current schedule he would have him all holidays just by default. I don’t care about other holidays except Christmas. I know this is crazy, but think of my dog as my child. Cuz he is! Anyway, I sent him a text message trying to see if we could adjust the schedule so I could have him on Christmas or at least for a little bit. No response.
Fast forward to now-
I recently had some make-up time with my dog. My ex had gone out of town and took the dog with him thus usurping my regularly scheduled time with him. So.. I just did my make-up time. I just dropped him off at 8:30a and will be back to pick him up at 5:30 for my regularly scheduled time with him. Yes, it’s beyond stupid to drop the dog back with him for 9 hours, but that wasn’t a hill I was going to die on.
So, for the first time since he’s filed for divorce, my ex was actually waiting on the stoop for the dog to come back. If you recall, he opens the door and the dog runs out and then he shuts the door. Because of this I never ever see him with the exception of court appearances.
Anyway, he’s sitting there and I immediately brace myself for something terrible. I go around my car, unlock the dog from his seatbelt (mmhmm i buckle him up) and the dog jumps out and towards ex.
Ex Stands up as I walk towards him to give him the leash, and he says to me- 5:30 still? I said, yup. He says, with the most obnoxious 13 year old girl smirk on his face, I thought about Christmas and it doesn’t work for me. (End smirk). He turns around and is inside the house 1 second later.
I turn and walk to my car. I had no response- no time to- but i was also taken aback by his behavior. It was like straight out of mean girls! Like seriously. The statement above in itself is pretty non eventful, but the way he said it had me like wtf- who is this???
Obviously, when I started driving up the street, I got upset the tears started flowing and I’m just baffled by his level of evilness. He is exactly like his dad. Exactly.
Ex told me a story once that he relived often with his dad. They were at a restaurant, and ex ordered more appetizers without asking who was going to pay for the appetizers so his dad took a fork and dug it into his sons legs under the table. While above the table, the dad was smiling and joking with the waitress. Ex knew he was his victim and just had to deal with it.
That’s how I feel ex behaves. Above the surface, he’s this charming guy, cares about community and philanthropy. He just wants to do good because he had a hard life.... but under the surface it’s pure evil manipulating and coercing everyone around him into submission.
In that 3 second interaction I could see it. He wanted to punish me. He had the upper hand because I was asking for something from him and... to be honest... I think he wanted to face me so he could exert that power.
Typing that out, I sound rediculous and paranoid, but that’s how I see all of this.
Ok end rant. Could I be off base here?
Pax,
I am so sorry that he's not grown up yet. He's still in that anger stage whereby you are still looking like the enemy to him. He knows that the only way to hurt you is by keeping the dog away from you. Do not let this man get to you. I know it hurts, but he's still a very selfish, insensitive man who hasn't moved much since he entered the twilight zone.
Find things to do, if it helps, pull out a photo of your fur baby and place it near the tree for the holidays. The key to seeing your dog more often is to just let things be. The more you request to see the dog, the more he's going to make your life miserable and not budge an inch on sharing. He's like a spoiled kid at the park who will not share until he realizes no one cares what he has in his hands.
Take back your power...do not let him see you sweat!
Thanks Job! Nope, he will not see me sweat. No way. I was upset for an hour and I’m back to being my bad @ss self now. (Haha)
It’s funny- I stopped trying to mind read 3 years ago. Now In our current state, I’m trying to mind read again to try and make sense of the behavior... at least this time I’m at a distance and this has become some bizarre anthropological experiment. Whatevs. I’m so glad I’m not married to him anymore. Sad, but true.
I’m going to enjoy my dog this weekend and will have Christmas in peace.
No I think you've nailed it. He knows he has leverage over you with the dog and he's using it.
Have you ever read the book The Sociopath Next Door? It's a quick read and might be very enlightening.
Hey KML, thanks for popping in. hmm.. I have heard of that book. Never thought to read it, but maybe I will. Thanks.
Well, it’s that time of year where feelings get all mucky and surprisingly I’m doing great. Heck, I’ve been doing this for 4 years now. I’m a pro. I’m really enjoying the holidays and all the festivities this go round. I think I’m more present this year and that is making a huge difference. I am booked up with social events and parties through Thursday. Ughhhh no more food! I’ve literally been stuffed to the brim since this past Thursday. Even though I’m working tomorrow, I’m getting up early to run a few miles just to burn off some calories. This is getting rediculous! At least I’m enjoying myself. It really has been great.
Since I don’t get my dog on Christmas, we decided to celebrate “Dogmas” today. We just invented it! The whole family brought our dogs together during our sunday dinner and we had the pups open presents and play, etc. it was so fun!
Anyway, I’m a little amp’d from all the cookies and hot chocolate so I thought I would take a trip down memory lane and read my Christmas time DB postings from 2015. Wowwwie.... I have come really far. I am so grateful to have had this board as an outlet and am even more grateful for the support and insight from all the posters. There are some wise folks here and some of the nuggets are pure gold. I know I missed some of the gems because I was too close to my situation at the time.... distance and time really is the greatest gift.
Still have the usual legal drama, which takes it toll, but in this moment, I consider myself to have more blessings than I deserve. I desperately feel the need to pay it forward because the universe has been on my side the last week or so. Feeling very grateful and just full in general :-)
Merry Christmas Eve!
Dogmas? I love it!
Pax, you have come a very long way since 2015. You've have your ups and downs, but look at you! You are out there enjoying the holidays and festivities this year.
When you came to the forum, like many others, you weren't ready to "hear" what we saying. Each poster will move forward at their own pace and must not miss a step along the path. I, too, wasn't willing to "hear" what was being pointed out to me until many, many months down the path. But once you get to the point of letting go, and I mean really letting go, your eyes and ears begin to "see and hear" again and you realize that what we shared w/the posters really does work/happen.
So, my friend, today I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and may the new year bring lots of fun and new doors opening so that you can begin the next chapter of your life.
Peace and joy to you, Job!
You know, I don’t think any of us can truly comprehend what is actually happening when we are in the thick of it. The fact that many of us are still here years later processing and applying truly demonstrates that it’s all a process and takes time. . It’s unfortunate that others miss out on such a... uhhh.... challenging and fruitful process.
I dropped my dog off with ex this morning. My dog is super scruffy and scraggly right now. His bed head was level 10 this morning. I didn’t even bother brushing him before dropping him off... just proves how much fun he had yesterday. I’m sure ex is making another one of his documentation’s about how I don’t care for the dog.... whatever. I try not to give him any ammunition, but today I didn’t care.. I even dropped him off 9 minutes late. (Oooooooh such a rebel)
Anyway, I then went to the beach for a run. It was so fun. Got some miles in while listening to Christmas music. It was unusually foggy and cold in SoCal this morning, but it was fun passing everyone by in their parkas and hearing all the holiday greetings of those walking along. What a nice morning.
Hello,
Hope the holiday season is bringing good cheer to everyone.
Popping in for an unrelated post. I had a lovely Christmas surrounded by so many loved ones. Our family has evolved over the last few years (as it does), but this year was slightly more settled than years passed. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the family.
One thing that has me concerned is my dad’s dependence on alcohol. It has gotten worse over the years and with the amount of time I’ve spent with him the last few days, it is a reminder that it’s not getting better. He’s in his 60s, was kind of forced into retirement via disability. He had a stroke in his ocular nerve many years ago and hasn’t worked since. His family has a history of bad hearts and all siblings had their first heart attacks before the age of 50. I never met my grandfather (dad’s dad) because he passed away from a massive heart attack before I was born.
In any case, he starting drinking more and more over the years. Depression set in (though he totally masks sadness) and started drinking beer during the day. Then it became more excessive use of hard alcohol and now I think he can’t get through the day without it.
Yesterday at Christmas morning breakfast, he had his coffee, but mostly it was hard liquor with a splash of coffee and it continued through the day. He’s not beligerent or violet. If anything he’s a happy drunk that wants to have a good time... but it’s a terrible way to live. He’s gotten into exercise the last year and is really strong and fit. I was hoping that was him making the choice to improve his life... but one hasn’t had the impact on the other.
So I get how dB almost mirrors the practice of dealing with alcoholics. Detach, don’t enable, etc. But it does scare me how damaging this all is and I wish I could do something before he ends up dead. Clearly strokes and heart attacks aren’t enough to scare him into making better choices than this. I also understand this is a disease that Likely renders him powerless to recognize how damaging it is.
So... anyone deal with this? And have any advice?
ahhh Pax, I feel so badly for you... As you know... I know this story all too well as I am sure many do. It is really hard to deal with.
Not to get all in to my story again but my dad was the same way. He is/was a hardcore alcoholic consuming a minimum of 5 drinks a day i'd guess. He was also a 'happy drunk'.. never belligerent. In fact, it was difficult to even tell he was drunk unless he asked me the same question a million times or his pupils were different sizes. I actually just realized the other day something. When he would come from work... he would always be a total d1ck. No affection towards my mom, or us kids. He would usually just immediately start cleaning something or comment that my mom didn't do something. So this is what I was shown growing up and what I learned (working on that!). Anyway, I realized that this was likely due to alcohol withdrawal during the day now.
Sorry for the hijack. My dad also has health issues and he definitely suffered from depression which made things worse. Alcohol effected every part of his life from his relationship with his kids, my mom, his friends, his job etc etc. I watched it and it drove me crazy. I talked to him about it, begged him to stop. But nothing. The guy even had a quadruple by-pass surgery. I told him how great now would be to quit since he hadn't had a drink in over a week but nope. Nothing we could do could stop it unfortunately. He had to hit rock bottom to want to stop. I think it happened when he lost most of his relationships but also his doctor sat him down and said he would be dead within six months if he didn't quit. I guess everyone's rock bottom is different. I know his doctor said that to him multiple times so I am not sure what was different this time.
I still don't completely understand what he was trying to escape from with the alcohol. I'll probably never know.
I do feel bad because I used to look at his alcohol use as purely a selfish act. I would ask why can't he just control it? Well... you know the story of my dad and now my perspective is totally different. It is a totally evil drug to quit and the physical dependence is just as intense as the mental dependence. Something I never realized.
Seems like you actually have a good mind set. Lots of people struggle with the detaching aspect. It is hard! Just curious, have you ever mentioned it to him? Would he be receptive to that? Or to your mom or siblings? Just wondering if ya'll talk about it. I kind of wish my family talked about it more... not sure that would have mattered one bit. I think the enabling part is also big. My whole family was guilty of that to different extents.
I wish I could give you some great advice to fix this, but unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do unless the person wants to quit.
Ugh... hugs!! Just so hard :-(
Pax,
Have you sat down and had a good, long talk with your father about his life and his disappointments? Maybe if you can get him to open up a bit, you might be able to figure out what is causing him to increase his drinking. Depression is about things in the past and anxiety is about things in the future.
Unless he's willing to see a professional or go to AA, he may not quit. Just like the MLCers, he will have to be the one to either seek professional help or hit rock bottom.
Have you tried going to some of the meetings for family members? They may be able to provide you the support and guidance you need.
Happy new year!
First, I want to thank you, Pinn and Job for the input about my dad. I know it’s not DB, but it’s been weighing on me. It’s been a couple years since I’ve had the deep convo with my dad. The last time was with my ex and we were nudging him to get healthier because we wanted him around a long time as a grandpa. It’s hard. I do think he will need to hit rock bottom and that’s scary.
So, this post comes to you from the airport. I just spent a couple days with the bestie and had the best time. I’m a little upset to return to reality, but it is what it is. Got some new developments on the divorce and financial front and I don’t even know what to say. My lawyer is on vacation and I can’t wait to speak with him because I’m freaking out (as usual). I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t even believe he would do this to another human. While this new development may not have any merit.... I’m just shocked. It took 3 years for a new loan to surface which makes me think it’s fake/fraud. Can’t really share anymore than that right now. Unbelievable.
So, I’m calm, but anxious and on the verge of tears. I know escaping isn’t the right thing to do, but I just want to bury my head in the sand. No more.
Anyway....
On another topic...
A couple years ago, i adapted a tradition from one of our old posters, Ciluzen. She always inspired me.
She took the first animal she saw in the new year as her spirit animal for the year and I loved it so much, I adapted it as well.
Last year, my animal was a rabbit. They are known for their resiliency, agility, and are skiddish because they are always under threat. Yep.... that’s me! And that was my year!
I was telling my friend, gee I hope I get a tough animal this year! I don’t want to be in survival mode anymore!
Well, I woke up this morning and on our way out, we came across a pit bull! Yeah!!!! I’ll take it. I already did my research and pit bulls are associated with justice. They are protective. They are loyal. They are strong! I love it! Yessss.... let’s get some justice this year!!!
I hope you all started the new year on a positive note!
Hi there,
So just journaling...
I know not to read into anything, but this one has me scratching my head a bit. I just have to laugh. It’s so weird.
I get a text today from ex asking if I can bring him an old beanie hat. He asked for this beanie a couple years ago.. it was one we got on vacation a long time ago. Anyway, at the time, I told him I had no idea where it was. I was booted out of my house after all and had no idea where my belongings where.
And today, he texted asking me to bring it to him next time I pick up the dog. And reminded me that he asked for it years ago.
So... 1) this beanie is like 6 years old now 2) he (self proclaims) that he has no sentimentality 3) he hates me so much, why reach out? The beanie is worth breaking no contact with me?
It’s just bizarre. Truth is, I don’t know where this beanie is and I’m like... uhhhh... huh??? I kind of want to send him a link to amazon showing him alternatives for replacement.
So weird!
Oh my! Evidently this beanie means something to him. Maybe he is having some very fond memories of that vacation and he remembers that beanie came from there. I would be honest with him and advise him that when he asked for it previously you had no idea where the beanie was and you haven't seen it. Maybe he needs to check his own place for the beanie? You might want to suggest that he look around in his stuff.
They do tend to ask for things at the oddest times. It's typical. I have experienced something very similar to this.
It is also a way to touch base to see if you are still out there.
P.S. He will most likely ask about this several more times because they think you have the stuff and won't give it to them.
I think this is one of those things you have to chalk up to who knows? I think this is one you'll have to figure out looking back in time. Great signpost for others who will find themselves where you are in the future.
LOL - my ex did similar. Looking for a piece of artwork that she already had. The kicker was when she was asked for an original copy of our marriage certificate she thought I had it. I responded - no - it was in the small box marked "Important papers - open me first".
I expect that there are lots of boxes of stuff that even after all this time that she's not opened.
Thanks guys! It’s just weird.
In all honesty, when I got the text, I was indifferent. I think my gut response was- meh, weirdo.
Anyway, I’m not the type to be an arse, so I put off responding until later today or whenever I feel like it. And even though, I just want to say- yep I recall you asking. Haven’t seen it- part of me did get triggered.
It’s like- ohhh, you think it’s ok to drag out our divorce for years and years while lying and decieving at every corner... AND while trying to make a case that I have no rights to my house/assets, AND while trying to take my dog from me.... and you think it’s reasonable to request that I find a freaking beanie that you NEVER WORE from years ago and deliver it to you in 48 hours. You are out of your mind!!!
I don’t even know if I have this beanie, because I’m not fully unpacked. It very well could be in a box somewhere.. My life has been unsettled since 2015 thanks to his actions. I can’t even find a secure place to land and call home.
Why on earth would i lift a finger for him?!?!??!!?!?!
Wow Pax, that is weird! It's just a hat!!
My H did something similar a while ago when he contacted me out of the blue and asked if he could come over and pick up all the packages that were delivered to our house which contained the bits for building some model Star Wars fighter thingy..... and I thought he was out partying all the time, instead he has been sitting in his flat playing with glue and plastic model bits!!! :0)
I agree, the way he has treated you, what a cheek to ask you to bring it to him!!
Hey coly,
Yeah super weird and he’s got guts to ask anything of me. But hey... it’s his world. I was just an accessory.
Well, I ended up replying letting him know I haven’t seen it. He replied back within milliseconds saying that I said I had it, and would give it to him. That I didn’t want it, but knew that he wanted it. <—— MLC brain for sure I never said those things.
I didn’t reply to that.. No need to. That’s not a 180 for me. Whenever he tested me, I always shut down. There was no point in defending myself because I was always wrong. Always. Except this time, I’m not engaging because I have zero desire.
Anyway, it’s been a weird week with lots of ups and downs. I had two funerals this week and I only made it to one. One was for my best friends cousin who is my age (we were also friends), he passed of leukemia. So so sad. The last year he was in the hospital fighting for his life and now he is gone. Way too soon. So much life ahead of him.
The other was for a former employees mother. I always had a special bond with this person. She (the employee) was just diagnosed with breast cancer and tried to hide it from her mother because she knew it would have detrimental effects on her mom. Here we are -2 months later and her mother is gone now. She must be so scared trying to keep herself healthy and not totally knowing the future while dealing with the devastating loss of losing a parent. It’s just so sad.
And add this to a retirement luncheon I went to yesterday. This woman’s husband was present and he was just beaming with love and pride for his wife. I couldn’t stop watching him and his expressions. You could just see the love on his face. He could barely keep it together. It was nice to see a man have that much love for his wife. She’s well known for not being the easiest person to work with and for. Just a reminder that real love endures hard times. And my relationship with ex wasn’t real. It was a punch in the gut.
Well, with all of that, I feel a little off kilter today. I know I’ll bounce back. This all feels like a big reality check. I really need to end this saga with ex. It really is the last thread that’s keeping me down. I need to be free.
Hi,
Popping in with a quick journal.
I actually really like when I have dreams about my ex because it gives me a glimpse into what is going on in my subconscious.
He was in my dream last night where we had gone to someone’s house because he was going to buy a gigantic python snake. He wanted it to just roam the house. In my head I knew the snake represented him, but I couldn’t tell him that. Ok so In the dream, we were divorced... not friends, but amicable. I knew it was weird to be with him, but I felt nothing. Zero, nada. In fact in the car, I just looked at him like he was an alien and had to bite my tongue a couple times because of the weird/ non-sense he would say (like living with a giant snake).
Anyway, on the way back in the car, I had a pang because we passed a house that was just like ours and I wanted to make the connection, but I didn’t want to expose the hurt I still had over it. Then a few minutes later, he made a comment about how nice it was that he had a housekeeper and all these amenities at his fingertips.
I lost it and finally got to scream all the obscenities at him that I’ve been holding back for he last 5 years. It was awesome. He didn’t react, just got stone cold silent and then dropped me off at my first apartment I moved into after bd.
Then I woke up.
I wish that dream was real!
I have a lot of built up resentment over the house and finances. Obviously! We put so much effort into flipping the house and making it liveable. We lived through floods and construction, and times when we had no heat or hot water. And built a house that doubled in equity. Honestly, I didn’t want to live there. I wanted to be settled in a house that was done...I wanted to enjoy our time as newlyweds. But since my ex has dollar signs where his eyes should be; we made the sacrifice and investment for our future. He never valued my opinion in the process of creating this home, and I even told him I didn’t feel welcome in my own house..... a few years later, the truth came out... he intentionally made sure my money didn’t go to this because he saw it as an investment only and not our home where we would be starting a family, etc.
So, that’s where my angst comes in. That guy took everything from me. I let him.
Fortunately, I gained a lot back in terms of self worth, etc. but I still have this insane financial situation to deal with and that is hard for me. . I’m struggling so, so, so much and he’s not. He’s living the good life- superficially.
Just a reminder that real love endures hard times. And my relationship with ex wasn’t real. It was a punch in the gut.
I feel that gut punch when I see happy longterm couples as well. It has been a looonnnnng time since I saw my H beaming with pride over me. He saw it from me whenever he bothered to include me in his life but obviously he didn't notice...or care to notice. It IS nice to know that it is possible to have that kind of relationship though. For now, I am okay with seeing that look from my kids.
I have had similar dreams as you Pax... some of them day dreams. But I think you are a lot like me in that regard... it is more important to rise above than it is to give into the desire to try to hurt our H's as much as they hurt us. I think it is normal to feel that way when someone you love and trust betrays you in that way. Those feelings will fade however and in the end, I think both you and I will be proud of ourselves that we were true to our values and beliefs. In the meantime, however, it is really, really hard. (((HUGS)))
Hi deja,
You’re always so considerate when posting to others. Thank you for stopping by.
After I was reading that post, I was immediately reminded of a wedding that I went to. Ex and I were talking to an older couple at the wedding who were friends of the grooms parents. They were complete strangers to us. My ex was always mr chatty, so he struck up a conversation. As usual, the topic of money came up and my ex put his hands over my ears so he could talk to this random stranger about how wealthy some of the girls he dated were and how famous their dads were.
Ok..... talk about being made to feel 3 inches tall. It hurt me, but I was used to it, so I let it go. You could see in our friends wedding pictures that I did not have a happy face when they managed to catch me in a candid group shot. My ex told me I basically ruined their photos. This was one month before I got the baby ultimatum so things were pretty much sliding downhill af that point.
Anywayyyyyyy.... the good news is, i thank god every day I’m not married to him. That’s the gift!!
So Valentine’s Day was uneventful. No sadness or loss or anything. It was a rainy day so I made myself a giant bowl of instant ramen for dinner. Ohhh, but not the 25 cent kind..... the 2 dollar “official and authentic” instant ramen.. (ooooohhhh fancy.) I even added an egg to it, because it was a special occasion and I’m worth it. Ha!
Hope you all managed to enjoy the day. even though it is a commercial holiday, I hope each of you managed to take a time out and reflect on the love you do have in your life. All the best to ya!
So Valentine’s Day was uneventful. No sadness or loss or anything. It was a rainy day so I made myself a giant bowl of instant ramen for dinner. Ohhh, but not the 25 cent kind..... the 2 dollar “official and authentic” instant ramen.. (ooooohhhh fancy.) I even added an egg to it, because it was a special occasion and I’m worth it. Ha!
Way to splurge pax! Good for you! haha :-)
Im coming up on 4 years post bd and while I’m in a really good place, I’m so beyond over dealing with my ex. I just really despise him. And not in the sense that I walk around with any feelings about him at all. It’s more so, that I’m over the jabs/ stabs. I’m done.
Today he’s arguing with the forensic accountant over the valuation of the house and community interest. He’s the devil and soooo f’n manipulative. It’s disgusting. He’s all nice to her and respectful, but then turns around is an absolute terd.
I’ve been biting my tongue for 4 years. I know the anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness subsides. But I can’t help but wonder if I’ve bottled it up too much...if I shouldn’t release it somehow... like to his face.
I mean I’ve done all the healthy processing I can do, but so badly I want to reply to the email chain and say, the accountant valued the house at this much, because I was your wife, we were married, we built that home together, and it’s as much mine as it is yours.
(((Pax))) I so know that feeling of just wanting to unleash everything that is bottled up inside. But...don't. You will only regret it. Rise above and be the person you want to be. Let the turd be someone else's problem. (((HUGS)))
Ah Pax, you know that won't do any good. Make sure to forward it yourself. Write the nastiest response you can think of, and then delete it without sending to him. All it will do is give him SUPPLY which he wants and needs and he will love you for giving him and it will keep the dance going. Instead, give him that lovely gray rock. They cannot stand to be ignored.
Deja and One, you are so right. Just got to keep the mouth zipped. I won’t be giving him any supply. I’m just over it and it’s annoying at this point.
Sometimes I want to be snarky especially when he’s trying to play all innocent and respectful and polite when discussing the finances. I just want to say, “ ohh he’s sooooo charming. I was so lucky to have him!”
Ahhh. I need a new narrative. Court in a few weeks. Hoping I’ll have something positive to share.
Hey hey.
This was supposed to be an eventful week with my sitch, but it ended up not happening. I won’t share the details because it’s too specific, but things continue on as usual. Same crazy shenanigans from ex and his camp.
Unrelated to that above, I got the results of the appraisal for the house. I was surprisingly really anxious when looking at the photos of the house... especially the interior. It just gave me that familiar pang of anxiety and betrayal. It was interesting to see how unbelievably stale the house looked. Some things were the same... some of my decor was still up, but I didn’t see any life or vibrance. It was weird. Or maybe that is the emotion it evoked in me. Regardless, it was hard and painful to look. I won’t go back and review the photos in detail... I don’t need to.
Im glad that’s out of the way and it will come in handy soon, I hope.
Other than that, I’ve been feeling a bit stagnant myself. The last few years my GAL has been on level 10. I was also setting up goals and knocking them out of the park. What’s been challenging the last year has been the fact that finances have been so tight thanks to these crazy legal fees. Sure I could find things to do that are affordable, but it’s tough. I just went to a baby shower and I didn’t bring a gift because I couldn’t afford one. Oh my gosh. It’s so embarrassing. I’ll send her something when payday lines up a little better between these giant expenses.
Anyway, I’d really like to go back to school. At least to get a certificate or something. I’m just wasting away. I mean don’t get me wrong.... I read a lot and do a lot to learn things for free, but it sure would be nice to invest in something tangible that will help me later.
I also continue to look at side hustle opportunities to help financially, but like my lawyer cautioned, ex may get some of that. So.... I sit on my hands.
Alright.... clearly there’s not a lot of substance to this post. I’m a-ok, just feeling stuck. Meh.
At least the home appraisal is out of the way. One major item out of the way.
As for the baby shower, I know you felt embarrassed, but they understand and you'll make good on it when funds are more available to you.
As for no substance to your posting....you were expressing yourself and that's what is important. You need someone to talk to and we are here for that. Never, ever think your postings don't have substance.
Pax, I forget if you are living at the house but check my post to DnJ about AirB if you are able to offer a room in your house for travelers. It can be a game changer for having spare cash. I even just rented my whole apartment for a few days in April so I can afford to take my kids somewhere. (Not looking forward to telling H he has to leave for those days.) Also these rentals force you to really clean out your place!
About your looking at the photos -- this made absolute sense, and I think your realizing it is actually very real and true and healthy. It would be weird if it didn't make you feel that way. Honestly from a writing standpoint, that scene of you looking at the photos and feeling that way would be a powerful part of the story!
You might want to check w/your homeowner's insurance before renting out rooms.
Hey guys, thanks for the input.
Ex is in the house, I’m in an appt. I was the one to foolishly move out. Ex manipulated me to leave. He convinced me it was supposed to be temporary to give us space. he convinced me that I couldn’t possibly manage the property on my own... yada yada. So off I went to do the noble thing for our marriage and give him the space he wanted. What a fool I was. Little did I know he was draining our accounts and writing checks in my name to his sister.... amongst other things.
Criminals.
So, here I am.... in my little ole one bedroom apartment. I can’t do any sort of vacation rental, plus my lawyer was clear that any additional income that I got from anywhere, my ex would go after (as he could technically still have rights to it). It’s all pretty crazy if you ask me as I’m more than willing to look at ways to supplement my income. In fact, I was about to accept another job when my lawyer cautioned me that it might be income available to support ex. Shake my head.
And tonight I just have to share... I am so overwhelmed. Forgive the long winded venting. I’m at my limit.
My legal sitch is nuts. I think I had a longstanding anxiety attack last week given all the court stuff that was supposed to happen. That was tough. Also, Work is pretty stressful. I do love my job, but it’s a big load. I’ve had to raise the white flag a few times and everyone’s been pretty supportive, but I’m a leader and I want to consistently demonstrate that when the going gets tough, I roll up my sleeves and do what’s necessary to get the job done. Unfortunately, the sheer volume is getting increased. I’m in a game of Tetris right now and those bricks are coming faster and faster and my walls are getting taller and taller. It’s precarious. I’m also cognizant of the fact that I’m sure people are like- well, maybe she’s overwhelmed because she has a lot of stuff going on personally as well. <—- and i HATE that because I try to not let my personal stuff interfere. It’s tough and people judge.
Anyway, to relieve the stress, I opted to go to the gym for a late night session tonight. On my way home I stopped at the gas station and a guy my age tried asking Me out. I was polite (as I always am) and he asked for my number and I said, oh no I don’t think so. He said, “why? You married? Have a boyfriend?” I said, “oh no, I’m just not interested. No thank you..” (Definitely not assertive enough on my part). He got a little pissed and said “ Good luck finding a man, you look like youre in your 50’s!” And laughed and walked towards his car.
Ok, so obviously this guy is scum, but I’m not gonna lie...It hurt my feelings. I could never be mean to someone like that.... never ever. It’s not necessarily what he said, it was moreso just being on the receiving end of some jerk’s bad behavior. I didn’t need that nor deserve it.
So, a little rattled, I drive home, pick up my mail and bring it inside. In it is: a baby shower invite, a bridal shower invite, a wedding save the date, dmv bill, an insurance bill, and health insurance paperwork that needs to be filled out ASAP. All of that is so overwhelming! And I was perturbed by the health insurance paperwork because I tried to get ex off my insurance, but they won’t let me remove him unless I can show them the divorce decree. I had to explain that I don’t have it, but I can submit the court minutes to prove I’m divorced and prove the judge said my ex needed to get his own insurance. But given him and his lawyers games and incompetence..... I’ve been divorced for 11 months (the marriage was actually bifurcated) with no proof because they haven’t submitted the judgement.
So since I called the insurance co a while ago to try and submit the court minutes, it triggered something in the system that makes them think I’m covering ex illegally and I have until next week to prove whatever.
So, I Thoight the best to do would be take a shower and go to bed. My friend had given me this natural phytocomplex calming sleep aid to try. She loves it. I’m too afraid to try a sleep aid by myself as I’ve never taken it before so I decided to pop an Advil pm in hopes of just falling asleep and not ruminating on how buried I feel right now.
Ugh. How much more can I take???!!! This is just absolutely bonkers.
Alrighty.... hope you all have a good rest of the week.
Pax, I can't wait for this trial to be over for you (and I do mean that in a double entendre sort of way).
How about a list on all the ways in which your life is better than his. You my friend are the cosmic winner here:
1. Pax is a person with morals and decency;
2. Pax is capable of giving and receiving love;
3. Pax would not harm another;
...
Hello Pax
I am glad you shared, and vented - venting that is so very good.
My goodness you have a lot going on. The stress is quite evident even on this virtual page. That’s a great idea going to the gym.
Now, that @ss with the mean comments. Arrrr. Of course that hurt. What a jerk! Let it go. Feelings will flit away. And you know you’re pretty darn awesome. And if you don’t, let me tell you - You’re pretty darn awesome!
What a rigmarole the insurance is. Finding your way through the red tape. You’ll make it.
Get a good night sleep. Things will look better when you are fresh.
DnJ
Oh yeah, ignore that creepy jerk. Stuff like that happens to women all the time - especially, say, on the streets of NYC, guys catcall you then hurl insults if you ignore them. Toxic masculinity.
(He probably has a tiny one btw)
Sorry that happened to you. It always hurts when someone attacks us like that. Only insecure people do things like that so they can feel powerful. Doesn't lesson the sting, but he certainly would not be worth a 2nd glance. Hugs.
Thank you all so much for the support. I really appreciate you all and having this board to share my inner dialogues with. Thank you for being a safe space.
Ha- kml, I’ve shared this story about gas station guy with a few people and they all said the same thing and lifted their pinkies. Aye aye aye. Whatevs.
I think it got to me because while I’m not a self conscious individual, I’m self conscious when it comes to men thanks to the constant belittlent from my ex. So, it just wasn’t nice and it hurt.
Anyway, what goes down must go up..... or something like that. I have to remember to trust in the universe and trust things will work out. I have to give up control! My only role is to continue to be a person of diplomacy, grace and integrity.
Things have been so tough financially, but I just found out I have a very small bonus coming my way which is earmarked for my taxes, a car tune up and maybe even a hair cut. Score!
I just had lunch with a colleague who mentioned that my name came up for a new executive level job. I’m not qualified for it because I’m not an RN, but I can’t believe they even suggested me. This was from the regions CEO who apparently has her eye on me. Holy crap!! I literally had no idea.
Then, when I got back to my desk, I got a phone call from a colleague inviting me on another medical mission. I was really touched.
I have to remember that my real life outside of this legal cr@p is actually very good and quite abundant. I’m grateful.
Hello there.
Well it’s a riveting Saturday night and I’m procrastinating my little arse off. I need to wrap up a presentation for the head of my company. I told him I would send it tonight so it will be in his inbox when he works on Sunday. The bad thing is, I’m super burned out and I have no motivation to get it done, but I know I must... and I will.... even if it means I stay up all night.
This last week was insane, but I did some cool things for some high school students. It was pretty cool. I really enjoy volunteering.
This morning, I was at my gym and had a conversation with a gym friend. She just started dating her ex husband again and she is super happy. They were together, he left (didn’t get the details.. I wouldn’t pry)... and she moved on. He came sniffing around last year and now they are dating again. She brought up how he is having a hard time being accepting of the things she did while they were not together. She’s done a really good job with her boundaries even though it’s becoming an issue.
I don’t share these stories to gossip at all... these aren’t my stories to tell after all, but all these relationship nuances completely fascinate me. Human behavior fascinates me. It’s so interesting. I treat them all like case studies and I learn a lot from them.
Anyway....
Late last week I got a piece of info about one of ex’s latest ventures. I hate that I have to be concerned about these things, but I still have to Seek out info in order to protect myself. I’m so over it!! I was able to figure out what it was and through the power of google and social media I actually got a glimpse into his life. I won’t get into details. None of it bothered me at all.. even the pics of him and his girl (or girl at the time).
One thing that did stand out was the fact that he seemed happy. Ok, what could I possibly tell from a photo? And I know..... no mindreading yada yada, but what stood out to me and was clear as day, was the fact that the shark eyes were gone. Maybe that’s what gave off the air of contentment. The lights were on behind those eyes... I recognized it.
So, what does that mean? Nothing. But if it is what it seems, Im having a moment of “ oh good”. I wouldn’t say “oh good, I’m happy for him”. I’m definitely not there. It’s more of an “oh good. Maybe he’ll stop harassing me soon.”
Oh well, that’s all I got for now. I’m gonna go play with the dog and procrastinate a bit more! Have a good one.
Pax, I'm slightly amused at the story of your friend. He left. They divorced. He is having a hard time accepting what she did while they were apart. I'll refrain from what I'd like to type here.
The guy you describe is never going to be good to any woman in his life. She's just the newest victim. I'd look more closely at the picture of her and see how she looks in another two years (just kidding, I wouldn't look at either of them).
Let's hope he learns how to stop harassing all women. Have fun with your dog. Hope you finished the project.
Oh Saturday..... I love you!
Just finished my third nap of the day. It was a doozie of a week (actually 2 weeks) so I desperately needed some lazy naps in the sun with the pup. I’m groggy but rested.
I’m always on the fence about sharing details of my life here since my sitch is so specific. On the other hand, I’m being honest.. I just run the risk of ex suing me for making him look bad. I guess at the end of the day, that just speaks volumes about his character.
Anyway, ex was sanctioned again. The judge said she was extremely frustrated by his delay tactics and his efforts to evade the court.
Hmm for the guy who keeps insisting that he wants to move this along as quickly as possible.... he knows what needs to be done but he just won’t do it.
I felt bad that he was scolded at court (he didn’t show), but the sanctions are going to help me tremendously. I already feel a weight lifted from me. It’s not going to cover all my legal fees, just about 3 months worth, and I’ll take it.
Finally. I’ve had this brick of anxiety in my chest for awhile now and it’s now subsiding. I’m so grateful. I feel it fading away. It’s like I can breathe again.
Now to rebuild my strength for the next phase of all of this which should commence in about 2 months (I hope).
For now, I’m just going to enjoy the peace of the day. I’ll leave all my chores and to-dos for tomorrow.
Pax, it is rare for courts to order monetary sanctions. This is a good sign. The judge is figuring out what is going on. Hoping this gets wrapped up soon.
Pax,
Please start a new thread and link your two threads together. Thanks!
Enjoy your Sunday!