I've been reading for a long time but this is my first post. My husband's MLC started I believe around mid-2013 with the usual things - distance, getting more critical, etc. BD was in March of 2015. He was in a long distance EA at the time with a woman he knew in high school, but I didn't know it.
He moved out in July 2015 to live with his mother. I found out about the affair exactly a year after BD. It had become a PA in November 2015. I found out in March 2016 and in June 2016 he moved 20 hours away to live with her. She also divorced her H for my H.
For the 3 months after BD that he still lived with me, he barely talked to me, had frequent mood swings, was drunk a lot and was a complete stranger.
Right after he moved out, he refused to speak to me for several weeks. Then he started to stop by once a month. Each time, he was distant and like a stranger but every single time he came over, his eyes filled with tears.
He did the usual at first, not changing his address, left most of his things behind. After his EA became a PA, he pushed for a divorce but when I got a lawyer he seemed stunned. He stalled on getting me his financial form for 7 months and then when I got it, it was filled out wrong. After he moved away he made excuses for months and never moved anything forward.
During the time after he moved to be with OW, he tried to send me texts and emails as if we were "buddies" but I stopped replying to them and only contacted him regarding legal issues. I was polite and kind but I did not act like his buddy.
In November 2016, I moved to another state. This seemed to cause a tantrum in him. He stopped communicating with me for the most part. I would contact him to try to move things forward with the separation agreement so that he would start paying me the agreed upon monthly amount, and he would only respond every so often. Usually I got no response.
This went on for months. One day in March 2017, I simply sent him a text that said, "how are you?" He replied and asked if I meant to send that to him. I said yes and this seemed to relax him a bit and he even sent me an unsolicited text a week later with a picture of our dog.
Even though he seemed to be more open to communicating, I really thought all hope was lost since he moved so far away, got a new job there that he loves and seemed to be settled into living with OW. In May I contacted him about filing for D. He replied and avoided the subject and instead told me a story about a young girl in his new city who had cancer and overcame it. He called her "really something else" like he really admired her.
Unfortunately, just as I was about to file for D in my new state in late spring 2017, I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. Since H was not honoring our financial agreement, I had no health insurance in my new state and had to move back home to my old state and live with a relative.
H found out about my diagnosis through the grapevine and sent me a text. He sounded like he was talking to someone he barely knew. He told me he would ask his coworkers to pray for me.
I replied to him and asked him to please start making the monthly payments as I was going to be in treatment for a long time. He replied that he wouldn't make the payments until he had something "signed and ready to file." Well, I had already spent every penny I had on lawyers in the state I had moved to. I was now broke and starting treatment for cancer. I have barely worked since my diagnosis and can't afford to spend any more money on lawyers while H makes excuses, stalls and puts up roadblocks.
I heard from him one more time about a month after my diagnosis. He texted me on my birthday to say happy birthday from the dog. I haven't heard from his since and it's been seven months. I recently found out that he got a new phone for work and changed his phone number. He stopped using the only email address I have for him. (He didn't respond to my last few emails and the last time I emailed him was in late summer 2017.) I now have no way to contact him.
I am so confused. He loves his new job and is totally immersed in his new life in his new city. He works for the city so his life is completely tied there now. I don't see him ever looking back towards me.
Yet even while he's building this entirely new life that he seems to love, he's doing things that don't make sense, like accruing debt and not paying any of his bills (I have gotten calls from debt collectors looking for him) and not getting divorced.
He was starting to communicate in a more friendly manner and then as soon as I got diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, he completely disappeared and now has cut off communication without any warning.
We are still married, no D has even been filed and by changing his contact info so I can't reach him, he's made it much harder to get a D.
It's like instead of divorcing me, he's just erased me. I don't understand. He clearly intends to stay where he is and is building a successful career. He hated his job before and now he has a job he loves. OW is obviously a woman who doesn't care about breaking up two marriages, but she seems as though she may be in MLC herself.
She's not one of those crazy personally disordered OW, and H seems like he's still very infatuated with her, even though it's been over 3 years since their EA started and over 2 years since it became a PA. They've lived together now for almost a year and a half.
I hate having this hanging over my head, knowing that I WILL overcome this disease and get better, but when I do, I will still have to deal with this crazy situation where I'm married to a ghost and have even tried to move things forward for the divorce he wanted but I didn't want, and he has made it nearly impossible.
Why doesn't he care at all that I'm battling this horrible illness? It's like I could die tomorrow and he wouldn't flinch. Why is he cutting off contact now, when before he was at least willing to communicate? Why was he willing to discuss legal issues until I got sick and now he's completely vanished?
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmMichele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29
I am so very sorry that you are here and battling cancer, as well as your h being MIA. Please read the homework assignments in the Welcome Posting that Cadet credit, which I have pasted into your thread for you.
Your h can't help himself right now, therefore he can't help you or be supportive. He's off in La La Land and won't be back any time soon. They become very selfish during a crisis and it's all about them. Also, many of them can't face someone being ill and tend to shy away from them. Expecting him to do the right thing won't happen. You are going to have to rely on others for support from now on. I hate to say that...but it's very true.
Come here to vent, chat or seek advice...but definitely read the links and also visit the other threads. Take time to breathe and focus on one day at a time.
Thank you for the welcome and the reply.
Do you think my getting diagnosed with cancer has scared him and caused him to basically run away? Before I got diagnosed, he was in communication, even if he wouldn't respond about legal issues.
Now that I don't even have a way to contact him, it feels like he's completely gone. Yet we're still legally married. It doesn't make sense.
I guess it is so confusing because he clearly loves his new job, but at the same time he's doing things that will keep him from moving forward in his new life (like destroying his credit and not divorcing).
He's more and more immersing himself in his new community and he's so tied to his new city that I can't see him ever leaving.
I'm also feeling so much anxiety because while he's off building a better life for himself, I'm stuck and unable to move because I'm so sick all the time and have been in treatment for so long. I can't get a new job or afford a new place to live. I feel like he's leaving me in the dust and I can't do anything about it.
River10 - both "adulting" and dealing with mortality is something that many MLCr are not able to face. My own ex refused to discuss getting a will or funeral wishes for herself. She also was, while a trained book-keeper, completely at a loss in managing our own money and credit.
From your first post it would seem that you are familiar with the standard script.
One key thing to remember, this isn't about you and never has been. It is him and his inability to face tough realities so please know that it's nothing you did, nor even your cancer at issue here. It's all on him.
You say "building a better life" - but it really sounds like he's a slow-moving train-wreck. Not paying his bills, not dealing with his responsibilities. You're probably better off not being part of that.
Have you checked to see what legal recourse you may have in getting him to step up at least a bit financially? He may be in such bad shape that he's got nothing. In which case you may want to see about getting the ties severed on your own. Some others may have information on what direction you can go. I presume you are in the USA somewhere since you mention "state"?
Thanks for replying, Andrew!
Yes, I am in the US. When I moved to the other state, I spent every penny I had on legal fees. I am barely working now while in treatment so I have no money. There is no divorce legal aid available for my area. The social worker at my treatment center even tried to help me find some but we had no luck.
I too felt that he was a train wreck when I saw that he walked away from his debt and stopped paying all his bills. But it seems as though he's getting away with it. He hasn't paid anything in a year and a half and aside from the bad marks on his credit that will be there for years, he's not having to face any consequences. None of the debtors are really making an effort to collect and his largest debt (5 figures) appears to have just written his account off as uncollectable.
I don't know if I should just give up completely. At the end of March, it'll be 3 years since BD. Things seem to be getting much worse in terms of him cutting all ties.
It's hard to see a way back for him. I don't see him one day contacting me and saying, "Hey, how are you, sorry I disappeared when you had cancer."
MY XH cut all ties with me, our 2 kids, and his family of origin..
It was hard for me to understand because he was somewhat friendly and avail during our separation and for 2 years after Bomb.
I think many MLCers sink deeper into despair and trouble as they progress through the tunnel..
some choose to withdraw completely some keep up contact
I'm sorry that he cant be there for you now, but I agree with Andrew-I don't think they can deal with mortality issues
My XH M a 28 year old. he was 42. they are now D.
He is still very sick, drinking and maintains no contact..no support for his children--
They are deep in crises and it is the script..
not you...not your fault.
Do whatever you can to take care of you-
perhaps you can meet with an attorney to get resources and free advice-
many attorneys will give a free consult and many will also give free advice via phone-
MY xh and I had a thriving business..
He chose to leave and I took the business when he began coming to work high..
he lost everything and didn't seem to care as he rode of in the sunset with his child bride-(who was also an addict)
Remember it is a true crises-They make no sense..
Many will go in debt..
many will chose Affair partners with psych issues
If you can put his aside..I know its hard..
try to use all your energy toward your healing
His issues started long b4 MLC hit
There are theories that people in MLC are usually people with unresoilved childhood trauma and issues
That was certainly our story
Please keep coming and posting
a great group here to help you -
all the best ,
peace
Hi River,
I am not a lawyer, just a survivor like everyone else here.
I am assuming that you may know where her works. I would go to the court in your area that handles family situations and such. I would like to believe that you can claim abandonment by you H. Explain your cancer situation and that he is not paying for healthcare and such. Make sure to show them how many years you were covered by him and that he has abandoned you and is shaking up with a woman in the city he moved to. I would ask if there is some way you can force a judgement for temporary support and for his pay to be attached as well as to force his employer to add you to his health insurance coverage as his lawful wife.
If the court says they can't do anything, I would then call his employer directly. explain to them that you are his lawful wife and that he abandoned you without support or healthcare.
If you need to do this, it will probably make H very angry. That should not concern you right now as you need help covering you health care and a way to take care of your self. He is not interested in this nor in taking care of you. It will be hard, but right now you need to take care of yourself. Opening up the truth about his actions to his employer will definitely cause action.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and respond. I appreciate it so much and have been trying to read everyone's threads when I can. I was reading this forum all during my last chemo infusion, lol.
I have searched for legal aid in my area and reached out to many organizations. I had always heard there was legal help for divorce, but the sad truth is that lawyers will only work pro bono in cases involving children and/or domestic violence.
I spent several thousand dollars trying to give H the divorce he's claimed to want for the past 3 years. I am now broke. I have cancer and I don't have two nickels to rub together.
And now I can't do anything without a lawyer because H has disappeared so the hope of coming to an agreement with him directly is dead.
I had been having trouble even getting a free consult with a lawyer as I've already been at this for a while and my situation is a bit complicated, what with H moving to another state and me moving out of state and then back here.
I was able to get a quick return phone call from a lawyer last week who basically flat out told me that there is no obligation to carry a spouse on your health insurance, and that in the event of a divorce he wouldn't be able to carry me any longer anyway. Since I moved back to my home state, I have crappy insurance through the state, and so in the eyes of the court, it's not that much of a problem.
He advised me to absolutely not call H's employer, as the employer has no obligation to cover me on H's insurance and it could be construed as harassment, and they don't know the situation so if I tell them H abandoned me and left me without coverage, it will just sound like I'm a scorned wife trying to hurt H's reputation. (Even though I agree with you, Lifes Twist, I am his legal wife and he did abandon me. I just don't have many legal rights in this situation.)
If I had the money to pay for a lawyer, they could file the divorce citing abandonment and if there's a ruling that H should cover me or pay support, then his pay could be attached. But like I said, I spent literally every penny I had trying to move things forward while I was living in the other state waiting to reach the residency requirement of 6 months. And then once I was within days of reaching the residency requirement to file for D, I got diagnosed with cancer and had to move back home.
Since H and I don't have children, don't own any property and we've been separated now for 2.5 years, I have virtually no rights.
What bothers me the most is that H and I were conversing cordially and there was no animosity or fighting. When we did communicate, he was extremely distant and I stayed detached but it wasn't like he hated me. He sometimes texted me pictures of my dog, who I miss so much it's unbelievable. A month before my diagnosis, he even shared with me a story about a person he knows at the place he's been working on the weekends. He even wished me a happy birthday over the summer (well, he texted me and told me the dog wished me a happy birthday, but close enough). That was just a few weeks after my diagnosis. I replied and just said thank you. And then he just disappeared.
I wasn't pressuring him. I left him to his new life and never interfered. I was just trying to move things forward legally. I never, ever mentioned OW - as if she doesn't exist. I never asked questions about his new life. I kept it strictly business.
Then I got diagnosed with cancer and now he's gone.
I have to think the reason he vanished without giving me his new phone number is because he knows he's living in a financial house of cards and is so desperate, he'd rather cut me out of his life completely than risk that house of cards falling over.
I don't believe it's because he's avoiding divorce. It's not that he doesn't want me out of his life. It's just that he wants me out of his life without having to pay anything. And in his irrational MLC mind, the way to achieve that is to simply disappear and hide out, as if hiding out long enough will make me just go away.
It really does hurt sometimes, knowing that the man I thought I would grow old with doesn't care whether I live or die.
I really don't know what to do. I still have several months of treatment ahead of me. And then I'll have to rebuild my entire life from scratch. I'll be alone, recovering from a long and difficult course of cancer treatment, praying to stay in remission, without a job or a place to live.
And yet, still married. But not really "married." Even when I have to fill out forms for insurance or hospital paperwork and it asks my marital status, I always stop and wonder how to answer. There's no option for "married to a ghost."
Part of me thinks that he's being allowed to just continue on and on in replay with no consequences because I can't afford to divorce him.
I am so sorry to hear about your entire situation, I think it is amazing that you are handling all this with everything that is going on. I know I would not be that strong.
A question I have is even if you could afford a lawyer and get a divorce it doesn't sound like you H is in a financial position to help you in what you are facing, or is that wrong? Reason I ask is it would be more burden to get things sorted only to have him financially unable to provide support or insurance.
Thanks, MarvinF. I agree, he doesn't "seem" to be in a position to help me out, but again, I have no idea what his new salary is.
He is the one who drafted the separation agreement in the first place in November 2016. He had been paying me monthly for two months prior to that and as soon as he had his lawyer draft the official agreement, which H signed (after paying his lawyer several thousand dollars to draft it), he stopped paying me.
Then over the first half of 2017, he kept swearing he intended to pay me and would never not pay me, but he kept avoiding me in all kinds of crazy ways to keep me from being able to get a document that was signed and initialed properly to be filed with the court in my new state.
And when I texted him the exact date I'd be filing for D in my new state, he didn't even respond.
Then I got diagnosed with cancer, had to move to my home state and couldn't afford to have everything redone to yet another state's laws.
I guess he heard that I have cancer and saw it as a way for him to buy time and get out of doing anything.
I just don't understand the way he has stopped talking to me completely. And then finding out he actually has a new phone number was like another bomb drop. It really stung.
I know he has a lot of debt that he isn't paying. And when he first moved, he took a huge pay cut from what he was making when we were together. And he moved to a state where salaries are a lot lower than where we lived when we were married. I all along, even though he kept telling me he'll pay me X per month and at one point even said he could file in his new state and he wouldn't have to pay me nothing because of the laws there, "But I would never do that to you," I have thought he's said it but kept avoiding paying me and actually moving things forward because he's too embarrassed to admit he can't afford to. But I'm also thinking that even if he could afford to pay me something, he doesn't want to be any worse off financially and he just doesn't want to pay anything at all and so he decided to just vanish.
I guess my feeling is that he's living his new life and not having to part with a dime so it's so much easier for him to erase me, settle into his new life without consequences and never look back.
I also wonder what his end game is. Does he think he'll just vanish and after a long period of time come back and say, "Well, X amount of time has passed, you have survived without my help and we have two completely separate lives so let's get this divorce final" and then he never loses anything due to his decision to abandon me.
Or he is is such fog, denial and confused thinking he is simply "avoiding" whatever he finds "too hard" and doesn't even have a game plan? Not that it makes it in any way less painful, hurtful and wrong.
It is truly amazing what happens to people. I have no idea about these things, but can't you get a lien against his salary or something to enforce obligations?
I have no idea about these things, but can't you get a lien against his salary or something to enforce obligations?
Not without a lawyer's help. I spent all I have. I'm not working currently because of the cancer. I live with a relative and can't afford to do anything.
I've searched over and over for legal aid and no one will help me unless there is domestic violence involved.
Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with me for hoping to ever rebuild a relationship with H.
I would divorce him if I could afford it, but only to try to get some financial support and to ensure I get the retirement fund I'm legally entitled to.
But why do I even hope to ever see him again, let alone reconcile? What kind of person am I that I would hope to get to rebuild a marriage with a man who didn't give me his new phone number while I am in treatment for cancer?
You are human and we all have traveled the road you are on. We all came here with high hopes of reconciling with our MIA spouses, but many of us ended up divorcing them or they divorced us. There is absolutely nothing wrong in having hope.
What kind of person are you? You are a kind and compassionate person who wants to honor her marriage vows.
Hello
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your post is a heart breaking one.
I do not believe in mlc. Some walk aways are addicts. I think a lot of them are just fair weather friends. It takes bad weather for the LBS to discover it.
He is looking out for himself. He does not want to give you money. He has discarded you. This is entirely about who he is. Not you. He is a selfish, selfish, selfish man incapable of real love. There is nothing else to analyze. I think you are projecting how you would behave and act if the tables were turned. I think we try to come up with explanations (mlc, depression) because we cannot fathom such cruelty amd selfishness and the ability to discard because we are not like that.
Usually, we just fell for a con artist. I was a cover for a high functioning addict and nothing more. Some spouses were uswd for money. I am aqauintances with a narcissitic walkaway wife who admitted to me that she went for her ex because she was getting old and wanted to have a baby. When his business went undwr she left.
Its like trying to understand how a serial killer can kill so ruthlessly. Its in their nature. They are self serving.
I do wish there was some way to obtain justice for you though. Keep reaching out. Dont give up. Can churches help? Going public? Collecting a legal fund?
I can only imagine how tired you must be.
Hugs
J.
There is nothing wrong with you, besides being a good person, loving and caring, and believing in others to be the same. Right now you need to protect yourself, put away hopes, wishes, love and focus on yourself. YOUR well being, YOUR needs, YOUR financial protection. Pretend the person you knew is dead, at least for now. Grieve and take care of yourself.
If you don't mind I am still not sure about the situation. Assuming you had funds for a lawyer what would that get you in the short and long term financially that makes the legal expenses worthwhile? And do you have any idea of what kind of fees would be needed to get you there?
Thanks for the replies.
JuJuB, I appreciate your reply and your insight very much, but I do want to say that I don't believe I fell for a con artist.
The person you describe, the selfish, self-serving man who is out for himself...YES, that is definitely who my H is right now.
But he was not that person for the 16 years we were together. He was not a high functioning addict or a narcissist. What he's doing now is not in his nature. It's in fact contrary to everything he used to be.
That is where I'm torn. If I thought for a second that I was with a narcissist incapable of love for 16 years and he discarded me due to his true narcissistic nature, I would have slammed the door shut as soon as possible after BD.
In fact, if he was this kind of person at any time during our 16 years, I would have ended our relationship in the past.
But this person he is now has gotten progressively worse since BD and it's not even close to who he was for 16 years. We had rough times over our life together and he never bailed and always showed he was in it for the long haul. This has all been completely out of character for him.
That said, I agree that he IS selfish and only cares about himself now. And I have no way of knowing if he will be this way now for the rest of his life.
If you don't mind I am still not sure about the situation. Assuming you had funds for a lawyer what would that get you in the short and long term financially that makes the legal expenses worthwhile? And do you have any idea of what kind of fees would be needed to get you there?
MarvinF, if I had funds for a lawyer, I would at least get him to sign over the retirement fund, and I could get help in trying to get him to honor the separation agreement (the one HIS lawyer drafted). He signed it over a year ago, but it hasn't been enforced because I moved to another state, had it amended to the laws of that state, then got cancer and moved back to my home state and now don't have money to have it amended again.
Since December 2015, I have spent $6,000 on lawyers. It took him from Dec 2015 to June 2016 to get me his one page financial disclosure form.
Then he spent the entire summer of 2016 making excuses for why he and his lawyer kept playing "phone tag."
He started paying me out of the blue in September 2016, but only paid me in Sept and October.
In November 2016 I told him I was moving to another state. He had his lawyer draft paperwork. His lawyer mailed it to him, he signed it and then held onto it for 3 weeks and finally sent it to me 3 days before I moved and demanded that I sign it immediately and return it to his lawyer before I left the state (which would have entailed me driving an hour and a half to his lawyer's office, because if I had mailed it, it wouldn't have arrived before I moved).
It was 42 pages long (which is ridiculous, since we have no children and no assets) and there was no way I would sign it without having a lawyer review it. So it was virtually impossible to have it signed and filed in this state before I moved (and if H had been honest with his lawyer, his lawyer would have told him that. He never even told his lawyer I was moving).
So H paid $3000 to a lawyer to draft a document that there was no way could be filed given the circumstances.
When I got to my new state, I took the agreement to a lawyer and paid to have it amended to reflect my new state's laws. I signed it and had it notarized and told H I would file for the D when I met the state's requirement for residency (I had to be living there for 6 months before I could file).
Even if I had filed in that state, I had already used up all my available funds so if H played games and stalled the process, I would have run into trouble. But at least I would have had the signed document filed with the court.
I gave him the exact date I would be filing. He didn't say a word in reply.
Then I got diagnosed with advanced cancer literally 3 days before I could have filed for D. I didn't have health insurance in my new state so I had to pack up my whole life again and move home.
Now I'm flat broke, have cancer and am only working sometimes doing freelance work. So I can't afford to do anything more.
In April of last year, H said in a text message that he had consulted a lawyer and learned that he could file for D in the state he lives in and he wouldn't have to pay me anything because of his salary. He wrote, "But I'm not about to do that to you."
Which of course is the messed up part, because he IS doing that to me by not paying me anything. He just hasn't filed for the D.
Thanks for explaining. From the outside it sounds like more legal action won't necessarily get results, you have already spent a bit of money and it doesn't seem to be helping?
Has he stated what he wants? Not that his thinking is clear or that you should care, its more about how can you get what you need with the least damage or effort for you.
So you have no assets between you except for his retirement? How long were you married, how old is he, and what is the retirement worth? Is it a pension or a 401k?
Also have you applied for SSI or SSDI? What kind of cancer do you have? I know my friend with stage four ovarian cancer applied for SSDI through an accelerated program for people with severe illnesses like hers - it still takes six months before it will pay though
Has he stated what he wants? Not that his thinking is clear or that you should care, its more about how can you get what you need with the least damage or effort for you.
He doesn't say anything. (Especially now that he's changed his phone number.)
3 weeks after he moved out in July 2015 he said he was going to have his lawyer file for divorce. That never happened. Since then, he has not ever once said the word "divorce." It's actually kind of funny the way he's worded things to specifically avoid using the actual word.
But he's not changed his stance. He's just continued to stall and make all kinds of silly excuses for not moving things forward.
When it got to a point where silly excuses were no longer cutting it, he just started ignoring me when I tried to discuss moving things forward.
Now you might ask why I have been continuously trying to move things forward if I've been torn about it.
My answer to that is that he has moved really far away, lives with OW and has a new job he appears to be excelling in (and his job is working for the city so he's literally tied to his new life in so many ways).
He has had an entire new life now for almost 2 years. He's been gone for almost 3 years. I can't deny that it looks like he is never going to turn back towards me. Even if he wanted to, the easier road is staying where he is. It would take a tremendously huge amount of courage and work for him to leave what he currently has, and as we know, MLCers will take the easier path every time.
What he has: He lives in a lovely little house with OW, who herself has a good paying job. He has a new career working around very important people that seems to make him feel important (which is his biggest issue) even though it pays a lot less than the job he had (and hated) when we were married. And he lives in an area that allows him to golf all the time, year round, and even better, he can golf for free because he also works at a golf course part-time.
What he would be returning to: He'd have to leave his new job, which I don't see happening unless he miraculously gets offered something in this area that he feels would make him feel important.
On top of that, I have no home of my own, live with a relative, have cancer, need a job, and I live in an area where it snows and the weather is only nice about 5 months out of the year.
The sad fact is he has gone so far in his MLC behaviors that he has made it almost impossible to turn around. Circumstances seem to be very, very against us ever reconnecting. Just as I got cancer, he got a successful new career.
It does seem as though circumstances have aligned to make it easy for him to continue on in replay feeling as though he has made the right choice (he moved far away and has not really faced any consequences, his new job seems to be working out, etc).
So you have no assets between you except for his retirement? How long were you married, how old is he, and what is the retirement worth? Is it a pension or a 401k?
Also have you applied for SSI or SSDI? What kind of cancer do you have? I know my friend with stage four ovarian cancer applied for SSDI through an accelerated program for people with severe illnesses like hers - it still takes six months before it will pay though
We have been married for 11 years (he left a few months before our 9th anniversary), together for 16 years.
We are both 43. He'll be 44 in 2 months.
We sold our house 2 years before BD. We were underwater and took a loss.
The retirement is a 401K and unbeknownst to me, he dipped into it the year before BD and took a big loan, so he's already spent his half. What's left is mine by law.
I don't know the exact worth, but it's enough that it's worth making sure it gets transferred over to me. And at this point, I'll take whatever I can get.
I have advanced breast cancer but I was not approved for SSI/SSDI.
You may need legal help to get the SSDI or SSI through - they like to refuse everyone the first time. Perhaps legal aid could help with that?
The good news is you have been married for over ten years - that means in the future you can collect social security spousal or widow's benefits based on his earning record - could be helpful if he earns more than you.
Meanwhile - you need to take the focus off of him and put it onto getting well.
River
I'm sorry..You are going through a lot-
Don't take his choices personal,,
His MLC was never because of you
They don't give it much thought I believe until the rubber hits the road and you will not know what its like inside of the lovely house and in his skin,,
I think for most of us the key is to let go--totally- If they return we can reevaluate
for now we are on our own-
Spend the rest of your energy to create a place for wellness and healing in thought and environment
read, listen to tapes
anything to help letting go
If you can see a therapist to help work through the loss and the cancer--many therapists will work sliding scale and the state usually also has agencies and support groups that run very cheap-
Other people going through similar issues is so valuable
If you can:
Change your thoughts
wish them the best and practice letting go
Seek therapy and support if you haven't already
get more information on your rights legally and financially
and see if the state can help you get what is yours
When my XH left with no contact I needed to get a passport for our then 14 year old...
I could not locate him to sign the document so I went before a judge...she signed it and she asked me if I wanted to find him to get child support...I said no because I took our business from him when he began showing up high to work so I was ok financially
The most important thing is to figure out the best plan for you to move forward..MY XH didn't like my choice to boot him from our company but it was going down the tubes under his care and I had 2 school age kids to raise alone-
Do you and let him go-
Hi River,
I’m sorry you’re here, but you have found a great group of people. You’ve got some great advice. I just wanted to add that in addition to a sliding scale for IC like Peace mentioned, some practices offer free group support. The office my old IC worked at did one a week at night. I don’t know how common that is but when I was researching counselors I saw another office in my town did a regular free support meeting too.
Please take care and stay positive!
Thank you for the replies. I'm sorry I don't get to reply often or comment on many other threads. I am so tired all the time from treatment and I think chemo often interferes with my ability to concentrate on reading more than a paragraph or two at a time.
I guess I have to accept that getting anything out of him is hopeless. It's been hard to wrap my head around the fact that he would do this to me. He basically just walked away, not even bothering to get divorced, and started a whole new life for himself.
It's hard because my future is so uncertain. I know I need to put the focus on myself but I can't even make plans because with my treatment ongoing and the future of my health uncertain, I can't even make plans for the future. I need a job very badly but I can't just go out and start interviewing while I'm in treatment and don't know how much time that will entail. I also have a few more surgeries that will need to be done that can't be done until several months after I finish all chemo and other treatments.
I feel like my life has stalled, and it hurts more to see H's life moving forward without me while I'm stuck and unable to do anything.
If he were doing drugs or something, I could maybe understand better. Before he left, he was definitely dealing with anxiety and depression. He even borrowed some books on depression from me (he never gave them back but I doubt he still has them).
But now he's far away, I never see or hear from him and it's easy to imagine that he is just fine and happy in his new life. I just don't understand why he was still able to talk to me over text or email, and even though he ignored most communication about the divorce, he was still civil and sometimes even nice. In fact, just before I got diagnosed, he even texted with me for about a half hour back and forth telling me something about his new job. And then I got cancer and he texted me once to say he was sorry, and then a month later texted me on my birthday, and then for seemingly no reason he disappeared completely and shut off all avenues of communication.
It's now been over 7 months since he texted me on my birthday and now I don't even know his phone number. Logically, I know that if he was fine and happy, he would be able to ask me how I'm doing and he would be getting the divorce done so he can move on with his new happy life.
I feel like if I didn't have cancer, I could get a new job and move forward and have things going on to keep me from thinking about all of this as much. It really does seem like a cruel twist of face that in the midst of his MLC, I got this horrible illness.
I guess I have to accept that getting anything out of him is hopeless. It's been hard to wrap my head around the fact that he would do this to me. He basically just walked away, not even bothering to get divorced, and started a whole new life for himself
Yes, NO expectations of any sort. Don’t give up what you are financially owed though.
Don’t take his actions personal, he would have done it to anyone. They can’t deal with aging/mortality and run from it. My xw’s dad was diagnosed with cancer shortly after bd followed by heart trouble. Once when I asked how he was she told me “he’ll be fine,” and acted like it wasn’t a big deal. They just can’t deal with it so they run, ignore, get angry, etc.
Try not to give him any more of your energy, focus on yourself!
River
Your in a tough situation and harder than most of us-
Sometimes if we cant let things go--maybe feel it
give yourself some time to just allow it..
cry, mourn griene and embrace it
even just for a few minutes
You may not be able to run from it and the treatment and cancer is definitely a big enough issue alone without the added grief an loss of H
MY XH walked away..no contact as well
He left his only 2 children and up to this day has made no real attempt to contact them
MLC takes them..he may seem like his life is moving forward and you are stuck..this is today
but in a moments time, everything can change in the land of MLC
If you can listen to Joel Olsteen,,,I'm not preaching religion here
but he has a lot of stories about people healing themselves from every disease and situation-miracles-
He gives suggestions and ideas on dealing with our pain
it is free
he has podcasts to download to computer or phone for free
hang in there-
Thanks Kyh and peacetoday.
Peace, I do sometimes listen to Joel Osteen and my best friend is a huge fan of his and often forwards me his "Today's Word" emails.
I think if H had walked away and vanished right away, it would make more sense (not that any of this makes sense).
For the first 2-plus years, he communicated - at times even seeming clingy - and even though he has played games and avoided the D and discussions of finances, he was at least willing to communicate with me.
His last contact was a text on my birthday in August. I never would have guessed he would just stop communicating completely, since even though I was staying detached and distant, we had a civil relationship and he took the time to text me happy birthday.
So I do have to believe that his disappearing act has to do with me having cancer. Which seems so much crueler than cutting off communication with me if I were well. Like he decided cancer would make me needy or something and he is so hell bent on building his new life and focusing only on himself that he can't be bothered with me now that he might have to ask how I'm doing every now and then.
Or he thinks now I'm so defective, it's not even worth his time to maintain any relationship. Why would he consider going back to a wife who might die and he'll end up alone anyway? Better to just stick with OW - she's healthy and therefore the better option.
Sounds horrible, but I really believe it's possible that's how he's viewing the situation.
River10,
I am so sorry. MLC is hard enough on us, but your additional burdens are even more difficult.
What I can say is that you need your energy for yourself now.
River
MY XH had good communication with us for the first 2 years after bomb
He visited, sometimes daily and took the kids out
we talked a lot as friends during that time
Then we got D..He didn't like the fact that MY L was real smart and I eventually had to take our business away because he was ruining it--he was coming to work high--he vanished and still no contact with us or his sisters-
Many get pulled in deeper as time goes on and with no real help or desire to get therapy they get worse-
many will vanish into their own new lives
You may not know the whys of it really--
If you can create a tape in your mind that benefits you-like-
None of this is my fault
MY H is deep in M:LC a real crises-
I wish him the best and highest good
I let go over an again
I can do this on my own..I will make my life work
God is with me-
I will use all my energy for my healing and let him go
If I feel sad I will feel it and carry on-
Maybe 100X a day keep saying it until you believe it..
keep posting
do whatever helps you feel better
take good care of you-
we are all here rooting for your full 100% recovery
Thank you for stopping by and for your support.
I sometimes wish I could see some MLC crazy from my H so I could really believe he's in MLC.
At the beginning he ticked all the MLC boxes, but now he just seems like he's erased me. He doesn't do a lot of "typical" MLC things. He's just gone and doesn't contact me. He doesn't seem to crave attention, good or bad. His OW seems mostly normal - obviously has some flaws or she wouldn't have been an OW. She has 3 kids and she left her H for my H, but she doesn't appear crazy or personality disordered. She's 2 years younger than H and went to high school with him.
She posts publicly on her social media (I have her blocked but still managed to see a few things here and there.) She was the one who announced their relationship on her Facebook page, after he'd lived there with her for about 8 months. She wrote that she "thought it was time." He keeps his locked down. His profile pic is an old black and white pic of his deceased father.
Seems like she fawns all over him like he's some kind of god. Meanwhile, for the past year he's been known to direct tweet a specific woman who is a very, very, very minor local media figure as if he's desperate for her attention. (She never acknowledges him back.)
Anyway, he's living so far away and we have NC so I don't see any depression, confusion or anything to remind me that he's in crisis. So it's easy to feel like he just doesn't care about me at all anymore.
river,
I am so very sorry that you are having a difficult time at the moment w/your h being MIA. You need to find a way to understand that when they are in MLC some will completely disappear and will go radio silent w/the spouse. You are looked upon as being the authority figure that they are rebelling against, therefore, they do not want anything to do with us. We are the first that they cut out of their lives and if they should be lucky enough to return to us, we will be the last that they reconnect with. You have to remember, it's not you...it's all about him.
You don't know what he's doing, so you need to put the "assume" away for now. He's getting his attention "kibbles" from the OW at the moment and she may be the type to stroke his ego and make him feel good about what he's doing with her and for her and the kids. Not all ow are crazy or personality disordered. Some actually have very good jobs and are intelligent, then there are others who aren't all that great. You do not know what he's told her about his situation and let's face it, they become very good liars and painting the "woe is me" picture for the attention and sympathy of the other person (op).
The ow is nothing more than a band aid to what ails him at the moment. Being w/her is a distraction so that he doesn't have to think about what he needs to do to figure himself out. She is nothing more than a distraction and not special at all. She doesn't know him the way you do, nor has she shared a lot of those years w/him that you have good memories of. Always remember...you are the prize and can honestly hold your head up and look people in the eye and face yourself in the mirror each day because you didn't break your marriage vows.
For now, you need to keep the focus on you and the fight you have going on w/getting your good health back. I know it's difficult and you are sitting there wondering about him and that's okay...we all do it...but your focus, strength, and determination right now need to be on you.
you may not see it..
especially because he is far away
It may take time..
You may see a little crazy behavior here and there
Most MLCers have similar traits but may be slightly different
On the outside my XH OW seemed attractive, smart ect..(I never met her but my brother worked with her)..
She was XH secretary ..In the beginning I would compare myself to her--I thought
she must be better than me ect..
until years later..My XMIL told me OW was on drugs-crazy and XH family had banned her from any gatherings and they were M then
I also heard she was a drug addict and her D and her parents were addicts also..
Not a happy picture-
they are now Divorced
as hard as it is, job is right, got to find a way to let him go
and focus on you-
You will see and hear more later-about him-\
rarely do we see MLCer leaving to create better more productive and happy lives
Usually, they loose everything and the Relationships rarely stick more than a few years-
Thank you job and peacetoday.
rarely do we see MLCer leaving to create better more productive and happy lives
Usually, they loose everything and the Relationships rarely stick more than a few years-
This is why my situation feels different. He left and has a more successful career than he's ever had now. He seems to be working all the time and so it looks like maybe he's using work as a distraction and as a result, he's been promoted several times already and he's only been there for 22 months.
That's his biggest issue - he wants to be seen as important and successful and now he's getting that. So it's working out for him.
From what I've seen, it seems like if they are going to face themselves, and that's a big if, they won't even be close to ready to do so until they start to experience loss of some kind - loss of job, loss of friends and family, trouble with the law, etc. H doesn't seem to be in any danger of losing anything.
OW went to high school with him. All of his friends know her and none of them know this started as an affair so they are all very supportive and happy for them.
His job is going very well.
He stopped paying all his debt but it's been a year and a half and he's got a couple of collections accounts (who now can't find him since he changed his phone number) for small balances (not enough to take him to court over) but his largest debts (one is a $35,000 balance) haven't even gone to collections. I can't figure it out - I think if I walked away from that kind of debt, I'd be hounded by phone calls and letters and taken to court. But he just walked away from it and it looks like he's just going to be able to wait it out and after a few years when the statute of limitations runs out it'll just be wiped out.
Meanwhile I'm barely able to work and once I'm able, finding a new job is going to be difficult. In hindsight, I should have divorced him right away, because now I can't even contact him and I'm married to a ghost.
River
I see what your are saying and maybe he is ok with his life and his choices
its is possible-maybe he is happy
But looking from the outside
he is a man who abandoned his wife and had an affair
statistics are usually not great for affairs to last, but some will and do
he is in debt and in hiding
he makes no effort to get D or do the right things
He is a workaholic
This list does not sound like a happy camper to me
People do not become suddenly happy by just being in a new R
That is very short term hapiness
Usually Happy and successful people have a conscious, they choose to better themselves
they choose right behavior
They pay their debt
But maybe he found a way around Karma and he is happy and doing fabulous even though he made bad choices
Maybe you can find a way to be ok with that and let him go with love, trusting that God will take care of you also-
I know this is not easy- but I only suggest this to you-
so You can feel more peaceful
we have to find a way to acceptance for our and everyones peace
Good luck my friend
I have faith in your recovery from this
Does anyone know of any stories of MLCers who vanished and could not be contacted and then turned back up at some point?
river,
Some of them vanish for periods of time and then show back up...still strong in MLC. There are a few around who have had their spouses go off and disappear for weeks at a time. Some stay in the picture and others come back periodically.
Lou's h comes to mind as being someone who disappears and then contacts her once in a blue moon.
What your spouse is doing may be the right thing for him while he's in crisis. It just may be his way of dealing w/himself and his issues.
I wanted to bring over something that I wrote a few years ago:
There are three types of mlcers:
1. Drop-in. This is the mlcer that continues to come to the home, most likely on a daily basis or every couple of days. They have dinner, sit around w/the children and just visit like old times.
2. Droplet. This is the mlcer who comes to home or visits w/you periodically. They may come by every couple of weeks or months. They don't make a habit of being at your residence all of the time like drop-in does.
3. Dropout. This is the mlcer who walks out the door and you never hear from him or see him again for a very, very long time. No contact at all. They ride off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again by you or family.
The three descriptions were best described by Sally Conway in her book that she wrote many years ago. The descriptions helped me determine which one my h was. For a while, he was the droplet and then evolved into the dropout.
MY XH did all 3
first a drop in for the first 1-1/2 years
then a droplet for a short time
now a drop out since 2009
I heard from him 1x only since 2009
River
I'm sorry I know how hard it is especially in the beginning
The pain will ease and eventually we let go totally
I'm sure there are stories where they go no contact for a time and them reappear..
Thanks for the responses. I read Sally Conway's You and Your Husband's Midlife Crisis last year. I still have it somewhere.
I find it hard to believe my H is dealing with his issues at all. I think he just got a new life and is living it and never, ever thinks about his old life and never looks inside himself.
I have read a bunch of times how the MLCer doesn't look back until they experience loss. H hasn't lost anything and it doesn't look like he will. Maybe it's just a case of the grass really was greener.
I think mlc is just a garbage pail term given to very narcissitic people in order to come up with some sort of explanation as to how they were capable of some very cruel actions and behaviors.
The problem with the term is that it makes us liken their behaviors to a disease that they cant possibly help. It gives us hope that as soon as they heal from this disorder all will be good. That they are not as accountable.
River, your ex discarded you. Without an ounce of empathy. He did it because he is capable of it. He just doesn't care. He wants his life to be easier. He is that selfish. He will eventually do it again to whoever he is with. He is self serving not committed. That's what his actions show so why waste time projecting your values onto him?
Trying to figure out more would be like trying to understand how Jeffrey dahmer was capable of killing and eating children.
They are lacking something. And it says nothing about who you are.
He is not a prize. Would you ever date a man that you knew for a fact left a sick wife? Or young kids? Or an aging wife for a younger model? No way!!! So why are you pining for him?
My ex discarded me same way. He is a cold motherfuer. But people think he is a nice guy.
Just prior to BD, i was diagnosed with melanoma while I was pregnant.
1 day after my surgery he was waking me up at 7 in the morning, cause it was my turn to watch our son. He told me "they only used local anesthetic " which was true...but only cause i was pregnant. I was so tired and stressed and worried about the fetus. But he couldnt just watch our son.
For 15 years he was not that type of an as. Hole. So i thought the same thing you did...He's depressed. He's going through a crises. I was a bad wife. His life will be better cause i was not good enough to him etc etc. Butbhe wasnt that tyoe of a.hole. cause our life was easier and suiting him fine.
They are just cold motherfers.
There was an old poster on here named eyetie. I am posting from my phone so i am having trouble linking it. But he recently posted on my thread in surviving divorce so you can go back and read all his threads.
His wife left him when he was diagnosed with i believe stage 4 cancer. He is recovered and doing wonderfully. His perspective and ability to move forward and GAL is inspiring.
Here is a link to EyeTie's thread over on the Divorced, But Not Done Forum:
First time posting outside of "Newcomer" area
I think mlc is just a garbage pail term given to very narcissitic people in order to come up with some sort of explanation as to how they were capable of some very cruel actions and behaviors.
The problem with the term is that it makes us liken their behaviors to a disease that they cant possibly help. It gives us hope that as soon as they heal from this disorder all will be good. That they are not as accountable.
I have a feeling this is a very old and divisive debate. From reading hundreds of stories and watching my own wife I believe there is truth to both sides. I believe some of what we call "MLC" is narcissistic people who hide very well until the facade cracks and then their true behaviour just takes over. But I know from my own experience (and reading and talking to others) there are people who are very engaged, present, loving partners who as this crises hits completely go into a very strange, disconnected and narcissistic state. Some come out (my wife is already showing amazing signs of returning to her former self), some never do, and some keep cycling back and forth.
But in both cases they ARE responsible for their behaviour, the pain they cause is INCREDIBLY real, and so are the consequences. And the steps to protect oneself is the same too.
I'm not saying thats not possible marvin. But i think it is so so rare.
I think that when they do come back its usually more of a grass is greener situation. LBS usually loses weight, gets their act together, might even have another romantic interest and suddenly WS is interested again. But not because of true remorse or committment. More because they see benefit for them.
But Let's pretend that you won the lottery, or perhaps found this magical fountain of youth and beauty and your wayward spouse wanted to come back. (After leaving you for a wealthy partner or younger woman) would you take them back? And if not, what's the difference?
.
They usually leave when life gets tough..kids, sickness, death. Then your life improves and they want back.
But they aren't genuinly committed so what happens if sickness strikes again? They are gone.
I have shamefully read these boards obsessively for 3 years now. And i see tons of LBS that are back on here years later after reconciling.
And here's the killer. I have an acquaintance that is a walkaway. She was actually reluctant to date a guy that had recently left his wife cause she thought he could possibly go back to her. She knew this cause she almost went back to her LBS when she found out he met someone. She told me how she cried and how LBS was immediatly ready to dump new girl for her and that's when she was reminded that she didn't love him.
interesting thread-
I think there is much validity to MLC..I believe it is real-
I also think it may be connected to some kind of brain disorder like addiction..This could be any kind of addiction
drugs, alcohol, love, romance, sex, spending gambling,working ect,,,(addiction is classified as a true disease of the mind)
I also think(my OPINION)
MLC is connected to unresolved real issues for the persons childhood and past..Things they either never dealt with or fully completed like abuse as a child or young adult-
These issues can not be avoided for some people without consequences, such as MLC
So when age 40 hits and the person RE-evaluates their life..
They seem to go back in time usually to their teens
We see it in their clothing, spending,their actions, there need to pick younger, their attitudes and way of thinking
their carefree minds rejecting the responsibilities they once had.
Maybe anything could trigger them like a spouses illness or a death or the second child.
They are also extremely self centered..and my XH was and most addicted people are-
I guess each of us will come up with some kind of explanation for MLC that works for us but it probably does not matter
They usually leave and many will not return as they once were-
MY XH did sent a VM last year on my work phone
He sounded terrible and in pain He was asking me to tell some of his old friends in recovery to call him and he left his number
He also said he knows "he did wrong"
I since heard, he was divorced, on drugs and "unhelpable"
You will find a way to get through this and figure it out in a way that works for you to accept the unacceptable
Thanks for the responses. I have started a new treatment that has me very tired and weak, so I have not been able to keep up with my thread very much.
On the debate of whether MLC is real or not, I do believe it is, but I don't know if that's what is going on with my H. Because he has vanished and makes no attempt to do any of the anchor checking and doesn't seem to care to check if I'm "right where he left me" (which I'm not).
The bottom line is he left our marriage by simply walking out and not even bothering to divorce me. Not just not bothering to divorce me, he actively avoided it and is now hiding from it.
The fact that he was more of a clinger for a while and then vanished only made things more confusing.
His selfishness is most evident in the fact that he would disappear and cause more pain and stress for me at a time when I am battling cancer. It's more stress because due to the financial hole he left me in and the fact that the end of our marriage is still hanging over my head because we are in fact still married.
The fact that he can still be living his life and having fun times and building his new career proves he doesn't care what he's done to me and all that matters to him is himself. I don't see that changing since it's just gotten worse as time has gone on.
His reason for avoiding divorce is a mystery and I'll never know the reason. Speculating does me no good because I'll never know if what I think is correct and no answer makes me feel any better about it.
The fact is this is pathological selfishness. And if you Google "pathological selfishness," you'll get millions of articles about narcissists.
If you Google husbands who vanish and cut off contact, you'll get millions of articles about narcissists.
He's a very unhealthy person and it's unhealthy for me to have him in my life. And yet in a sense, he's maintaining control of being in my life because he knows I'm financially destitute and can't divorce him. So he'll remain the ghost I'm married to until I get well enough to get back on my feet and take the responsibility of legally ending our marriage.
I never dreamed my marriage would end, and I definitely never dreamed it would end badly. I've seen marriages that end with so much bitterness and anger and hatred and I never, ever thought that would happen to me, even if the bitterness and anger and hatred is only on H's side. (And even in then, I'm only assuming he feels bitterness and anger and hatred because he disappeared and I don't know what he feels.)
The only thing I can hold onto is the fact that I have been kind and compassionate (although I have told it like it is when needed), I've completely ignored OW as if she doesn't exist, and I have taken the high road at all times. At least I can look myself in the mirror and feel good about the way I have behaved.
We see things very differently. If MLC is a psychological event and in the cases (rare or otherwise) the person manages to work through the cause and gets themselves in order THEN it may be possible to rebuild a new relationship. If both parties are interested, which most of the time the LBS has taken too much damage by not detaching to want the MLC spouse back.
But your stories are about people who were still not functioning. No one has ever used the word; winning the lottery; in watching your loved one blow up your world, be in significant pain, even if one day they manage to get better. It is far easier to just walk away, and there is nothing wrong with choosing that if the pain is too great.
RESTORED POSTING.
River10, I am just writing to tell you that I have a similar story except mine never left the home and we have two kids. He turned into someone else, gave up all responsibility, has not had a relationship with our kids in years (despite witnessing them unraveling), tried to care when I had cancer but really was only nice the day of mastectomy and then started up with OW again the next day. That was in 2014 and it has been a rollercoaster but mostly the kind that keeps going down. He seems to have rebombed me a couple months ago but still hasn't followed through on the threats, disappearing and then asking what's for dinner and demanding money all the time. You and I could sure cry on each other's shoulders. If you don't have God in your life, I am not sure how you can make sense of what is happening to you, but all I can say, is that you can stay in the light no matter how much darkness gets thrown at you. Suffering makes no sense when it seems so unfair, but there is a meaning in it that will be clear to you one day if you can avoid the enslavement of bitterness and seek healing with hope. I read your story with love and compassion in my heart, please know you have a sister in this! I only have one b--b left but I am getting more whole all the time! It is horrible to face that absence, but rest assured, living with them is far worse. He's away for a couple of days and I feel so happy, just dreading his return. Gonna go pray out that despair as soon as I finish this post. Love to you.
Thank you, Gerda. Wishing you peace and strength also.
Does anyone know of any threads that discuss the MLCers who don't divorce and actually actively avoid the divorce?
Mine has gone so far as to change his phone number to avoid dealing with me because I would only talk to him about legal issues.
river,
Many of the MLCers will drag their feet on divorce because they either really do not want a divorce and just need a time out or they do not want to do the work and look like the bad person to others.
Your h does not want to discuss relationship nor legal issues with you at this time. In his mind this is pressure for him to make decisions and his brain is scrambled and can't get back on track at the moment. The less you try to discuss relationship/legal issues, the more he may come around. In other words, he doesn't want to be put on the spot/hounded about such things. Right now, his focus is on fun and doing what he needs to do to feel better.
I would do whatever you can do legally for you and your family at this time. Protect your assets and try to minimize the contact w/your h unless it is an absolute emergency.
I have no choice but to minimize contact with him as he has changed his phone number after I was diagnosed with cancer and now I can't reach him.
I do now see that I made a mistake discussing the divorce every single time we had any interaction. But I was focused on not discussing the relationship and since he was living with OW, I didn't want to discuss his life and make him think I approved. So the only topic left was the divorce.
And in truth, I probably wouldn't have discussed the divorce, except that he had gotten the ball rolling.
He actually DID the work and sent me all the paperwork in November 2016. He paid his lawyer a few thousand dollars to do this. Then after he mailed it to me (to my address in one state when he knew I was moving to a new state 3 days later) he disappeared. Didn't respond to me for a few months. Never filed anything. Never responded to me when I said I would file it as soon as I became a legal resident of my new state.
river,
Your h does not want to discuss relationship nor legal issues with you at this time. In his mind this is pressure for him to make decisions and his brain is scrambled and can't get back on track at the moment. The less you try to discuss relationship/legal issues, the more he may come around. In other words, he doesn't want to be put on the spot/hounded about such things. Right now, his focus is on fun and doing what he needs to do to feel better.
I guess I think he may never come around, since he's vanished, meaning he doesn't have to deal with me discussing legal issues, he's able to focus solely on having fun and building his new life and it's been over 10 months since we last had any contact and there's been no change whatsoever.
His decision seems to be made, he's just too busy building his new life to pull the trigger. Plus, in order to divorce me, he'll have to face me in some way, shape or form, and now that he's vanished on me while I have cancer, I'm sure he's looking to avoid facing me at all costs.
River,
I just read through your situation and its a heart breaking one. Im sorry you are having to deal with this. I wanted to point out that you seem to be viewing his ordeal from a very rational viewpoint. By that I mean that you are assuming that he is getting everything he wants and is happy. That he changed his number to get away from you. You really dont know any of that. People who do stuff like this are not rational minded and dont do things for the same reason as the rest of us...thats why its so hard for us to understand. It doesnt make sense.
Happiness does not come from stuff and things. Happiness comes from within. These MLCers are unhappy and searching for it externally. They change jobs, change partners, change living conditions, change their appearances, etc. The gratification they get from it is very short lived because it is not solving the root cause of their unhappiness. So I would argue that your H is probably NOT all that happy. He is probably trying to be, but how good can it feel to do all the things hes done. No one sleeps well after that.
And the phone number thing...you mentioned he stopped paying bills. Any chance he changed his number to avoid bill collectors? I dont say that to offer hope, but to offer an alternative reason for his actions. Regardless of the reason he should have provided you the number, but it might not be that he is specifically changing it to get away from you.
I hope things get better for you. Keep posting and venting here. You are among friends.
Hugs to you. Hope your day is going ok today.
Great post, sjohn. Helped me too! Thinking of you, River, and sending love/strength your way.
Got an email from my MLCer, first contact in a year. It was to tell me that my beloved dog is in failing health and H will need to make the decision soon to put him down.
Opened the email by apologizing for the lack of communication but "my laptop died and my phone went through the wash within a week of each other last year." Yes, yes, that makes total sense now why you ghosted me for an entire year. Seriously??
Actually wrote "I'm glad you don't have to do this because it's gut wrenching." All about him and how hard this is for HIM.
Hasn't contacted me the whole time I've been fighting cancer but threw in an offhanded, "Hope you are feeling better. Keep fighting." at the end.
It's been three days. I haven't responded. I don't have a clue what to say to this narcissistic email.
River, I can imagine how hurt you must feel reading that e-mail.
But I would encourage you to take it with some joy. Oftentimes tragedies or life crises have brought my H around a little, they force some connection, awaken some long-dead feeling.
I think you can safely say he is reaching out to you in the best way he knows how, even though he clearly doesn't know how. He is feeling connected to you through the dog, and knows that you are the only other person who could understand that grief.
The other night, at my S13's birthday, my H was so freaked out at the arrival of my sister-in-law, that he announced he was getting a corkscrew from the car and NEVER CAME BACK. He came back like two hours later and sent me a bunch of nasty texts while he was gone. Their minds do not work!
I think that considering that your MLCer is that screwed up that he couldn't care about you while you had cancer (mine similar), then you can feel that this communication is a huge act of courage on his part.
I know that on these boards, people may encourage you to stay dark. But my take is to love unconditionally, no matter how awful they are. I would thank him for letting you know, remember something special about your dog that he would remember too, even thank him for being with her in her final hours and showing her love. I think that a response like this (offered with no expectation) will bring you a lot more peace than any other or than not responding at all. I have found this to be true in my sitch, now on year five, cancer in year two.
Lots of love to you, healing of body and of heart!
Now that you have his contact information, maybe you can ask him to divorce you so you can file for disability benefits and medicaid.
It's complete BS and so weird that he would send you that but who knows what goes through their pea brains.
In addition to the script and a lot of common behavioral patterns (confusion, replay, etc.), I *think* another common denominator for MLCers is a very real fear of sickness and aging.
You don't owe him an answer. It's clear he can't see beyond the length of his own nose. But, I agree with KML, focus on how you can best protect yourself.
River, I just wanted to add that I did not remember from your sitch that his not divorcing you is preventing you from receiving health benefits. I do not know how to advise you on the practical stuff as I have not been through that and don't know how it works or the best way to ensure that you are protected. I thought you were just asking about whether or not to respond from the emotional side of things.
XO
River, I am sorry to hear about your dog and how h is acting. You might research displacement. Bear in mind I am completely inept to determine something like that but it seems like it may fit and may help explain the wackiness.
Regardless keep the focus on you and take care of yourself.
Thanks for all the replies, they are so very appreciated.
I have health insurance through the state and I have been denied multiple times for disability, but the lawyer said my marital status did not have any bearing. I'm just not "sick" enough according to SSDI. I have long given up on the hope that he will be financially responsible or helpful in any way.
I was questioning if he was even in MLC, but this email seems to lean heavily towards it. I have been fighting cancer for over a year, haven't heard from him, and he's left me to fend for myself financially, but then sends me an email to say he's in the process of trying to decide if he should make the final decision to put the dog down.
Why not wait until the decision is made, instead of telling me now when I'm 1000 miles away and all I can do is feel helpless and sad. I can't see the dog, I can't participate in the decision making process. All he's done by telling me this is make me upset.
After not even getting a "How are you feeling?" for over a year while I have gone through 4 rounds of chemo, surgery, radiation and now more chemo, am I supposed to rush to comfort him while he deals with the dog, who he took 1000 miles away from me by HIS choice while I had no say in the matter.
I have a program I use for some freelance work that tells me when emails are read. I know that he never even opened the last email I sent him for 7 months. He finally read it in mid-May but never responded. (It was just a short email telling him I was thinking of him and his family on the anniversary of his father's death.) Now I see that yesterday he actually read it again. So he's definitely checking his email again, rereading my previous emails to him, and probably expected an immediate response from me because he knows how much I love my dog.
This man walked out on me 3 years ago, left me to fend for myself financially and only engaged in intermittent vague/casual banter, which changed to absolutely nothing and him changing his phone number when I got sick with cancer.
I have just reread my past few emails to him, because I know he's reread them as well. They spell everything out pretty clearly and even an MLCer can see the trajectory of all of this. Multiple times I asked him to honor the financial agreement and told him I would like to have the dog back. He never came through and now the dog is dying and I'm devastated that I have no chance of seeing him to say goodbye.
It doesnt matter what title you give him.
His behavior is really really selfish and irresponsible and callous amd sociopathic
I think he knows how bad it makes HIM look if someone was to see that he was even capable of leaving his sick wife. Thats why he is pretending you dont exist. You are dorian greys picture. You are a reminder of who he is. What he is capable of. People will ask questions. It is easier for him to have you just disappear and start anew.
I 100 percent disagree with gerda. I dont believe adults abusers deserve unconditional love. I think children do. I think a child and teenagers well being should be first priority. Their well being should not be at the expense of an abuser..oh excuse me. And mlcer.
I think its silly to project romantic notions on the suffering of mlcers.
I think your instincts in your post talking about his feelings over the dog is pretty accurate. He is a narcissist.
I think it will be easier for you to cope once you understand that he is empty inside. He is not capable of normal human compassion and empathy, so questioning his actions and responses just opens up the doors for projection.
Its really about finding joy and interests in yoir own presence and existance and ketting his go.
JujuB, I totally get and respect that you disagree, most people around these parts do. My outlook is based on staying close to Christ and I know it sounds very radical if you are not guided by that same thing. Of course none of our MLCers deserve mercy, forgiveness, kindness, etc. And our offering those things may not change anything about them. I give those things when I am able to not to change my H or my circumstances but out of obedience to God, and it's often against my own will that I do it. But in doing so, I have found a freedom from the slavery of anger, bitterness and even some the suffering. I do it for God but in return He gives me a peace I have not found any other way. I think going dark can be a very loving act, and very necessary, don't get me wrong. But when an encounter occurs for whatever reason, there is a huge freedom, joy and peace in loving your enemy, even if you used to call him your H and especially when he destroyed your life. I know that that sounds crazy if you don't have the same belief, but I want to make sure it was clear that I didn't write those things above with the idea that it will change anything in River's MLCer. My MLCer also doesn't deserve any kindness, he deserves severe punishment! But my faith in God tells me that's when giving love and trying to forgive helps me stay closer to God; and when I do it, that's exactly what happens, I feel a huge comforting presence settle in my heart. That hasn't changed my H yet, I am on year five. But more convinced than ever that it's the only path toward freedom for myself, no matter what my H does. So I stick by my post above! Hugs to you both!
River,I am so sorry about your dog. The feeling of loss alongside cancer is so intense, I totally understand what you are feeling. I wish you could say goodbye to your dog and get to act on the love you feel. Sending you a big big hug.
Gerda, i am not yet familiar with your sitch. I am not saying that we cannot act without faith or love or good will. If forgiveness eases your heart i am all for it!
I am saying that it is dangerous to project our ways of love onto people that have done great wrongs and have prooved time and time again through their actions amd words that they are dishonorable, liars, Thieves. Willing to put our physical amd financial futures at risk, etc. Etc.
How do you know that a tragedy awakens long lost dead feelings or the desire to connect? That might be how you feel. But not necessarily how a wayward spouse feels. Sure that woukd be nice if they did. But a bit delusional and not really fair of us to make speculations.
I think projections like that can lead to a false and unrealistic hope. Especially if they perpetuate staying in a toxic situation or allowing ones self to be taken advantage of.
We can sit there and say similar things about jeffrey dahmer. Talk about his foo issues. But He was a sociopath!! Look at his actions. Thats enough to know...stay the heck away. Why would anyone want any more?
These guys are lacking. Same premise. Protect yourself and your kids.
JujuB, i don't want to highjack River's thread with a discussion of why Christians believe what they believe or do what they do. I love having that conversation but I don't think this is the place for it. I'll only say this -- that God can help you. And that I send you lots of love and am sorry that you, River and everyone else (including me!) here is hurting so much.
I think I'm somewhat in agreement with you both.
I don't believe it does any good to fight with an MLCer or bother trying to get them to see logic. All along, I have tried to achieve a kind of cordial even tone to my correspondence with him. I don't think we should be cruel or treat them badly, nor do I think we should be overly kind. MLCers should not be handled with kid gloves and treated as if they are simply unable to control what they do. They have choices and they choose to run and treat people terribly and they have to own those choices.
That said, I replied to his email finally by simply saying that I'm sure he can imagine that I'm just as heartbroken as he is but thanks for letting me know what's going on.
I didn't give him what I suspect he was seeking, which after a year of nc was both a little peek inside what my current life/health status is and a response filled with bitterness, blame and anger to enable him to keep justifying his unjustifiable behavior.
I think your reply was a good one. It was simple and to the point.
It was a perfect reply! How are you feeling and doing right now river? Do you have IRL support? Are you keeping busy woth positive things to focus on?
Thanks. Of course I have second-guessed it to death, lol.
I do have some wonderful IRL support for my cancer, thankfully. I don't talk about H much though as no one really gets it if they've never gone through it themselves.
H put the dog to sleep two weeks after he sent me the email saying he would have to make the decision. He didn't tell me he had made the decision and after he did it, he put it on Facebook but didn't contact me. I found out when someone who knows us both sent me a condolence message. I was devastated.
The next day, I broke my stance of not initiating contact. I didn't say anything about how hurtful it was to find out on Facebook instead of being told by him. I just simply sent him a very short message asking if I could have the dog's collar or something to remember him by. He wrote back pretty quickly. And then wrote me a message every half hour until I responded. In his messages, he said I could have the collar or anything I wanted and said he didn't mean to announce it on Facebook without telling me but he hadn't been that emotional since his father died. (Not sure why he thinks that makes it acceptable.)
I replied and said I would just like to have the collar. I ignored all the other excuses and backpedaling. He asked for my address and I gave him the address of my brother, where I've been living since I got diagnosed with cancer in spring 2017. He wrote back and said he didn't realize I was still living with my brother.
Really? Clearly in the year that he spent not talking to me, he had convinced himself that everything was fine and I was off living my life perfectly well, not struggling with my health or finances at all. Unbelievable.
I wrote back and told him I was not living there by choice and was still in treatment. He replied and asked if I would tell him how it was going. (He never asked for an entire year and then asks me as if I've been the one withholding information from him.) Having waited a year for him to even ask, I was at a loss for words. I told him things aren't good right now, I had had testing all day and we had to stop treatment again.
He replied with a frownie face emoji and said "I'm sorry." I didn't reply. I figured that would be it but 45 minutes later he wrote, "Keep fighting!" I haven't heard from him since. It's been over a month and he never did mail me the dog's collar like he promised, and I wasn't really expecting him to follow through on that anyway. So sad as this interaction just made me see that it's been 3.5 years since BD and I don't see any progress whatsoever.
If you want the collar, send him a message to remind him that you've not received it. Crisis people have very, very short memory and attention spans.
I am so sorry about your pet.
Well, I suppose on the bright side you now have contact information for him and can get the divorce going if you wish. Can't recall how long you've been married, but given your health, employment situation, etc., I can't believe he would not be required to pay you some support until you get on your feet.
I've always had an email address for him. He just NEVER responds. That's how he maintains complete control over the communication between us. He popped up after a year to tell me the dog was sick. Then he replied the day after the dog died, I presume because he got something out of it (talking to someone - me - who felt the same way about the dog as he did). Now he's vanished again.
He claimed he has to go to the library to email me, which is why he never reads or responds. I call b.s. He's not in prison. He could check email on his phone or at work if he wanted to. He just can't be bothered.