Any advice is appreciated. What is the best way to interact with WAW in in house separation when she ignores you but not others in conversation?
Welcome to our little world. I'm going to be posting some homework for you to read over.
You will discover that we utilize the same advice/suggestions, etc. for the WAW as we do for the MLCer. That advice includes: leave them alone, give them plenty of space and keep the focus on you and your family. If your wife is ignoring you, then stop attempting to communicate w/her. If she wants to talk to you, she'll do so. The more you try to communicate w/her, the more she's going to do the opposite of what you want. She knows that she's driving you up the wall by ignoring you, so do the opposite. When she sees that you aren't bothered by her behavior, she very well may start gravitating towards you.
How about giving us some additional info on your situation?
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmMichele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29
Here's a link from Newcomers' that may be helpful to you.
Sandi2's 37 Rules #2
Thank you for all the great information. Been on the site before and read Michele’s book, implementing LRT, which has been effective. WAW and I have been married since 2014, and this is our second separation. First was for 3 months in 2016 while she was pregnant with our second. I have 2 from previous marriage and WAW has been a fabulous step mom. Second separation happened in August 2017. We spend time apart as my kids from previous marriage live in different state. Things have gotten better over the past few months, but slowly. Some days she is interested in having conversations, which is why I start to dialogue with her, and other times she is cold and rude to me. We continue to make future plans together like vacations, and I stay at the house for a week per month to spend time with the kids. We live with her parents who are stuck in the middle of the whole situation. Hope this helps explain things.
Thank you for the links. Read through them and they will be good references to go back to. I am at the stage of forgiveness, which is sooo hard.
You stated that you were on this site before...as a member or a lurker? If you were a member, I'll try to find your last posting.
Just looking previously. I also have a DB coach.
So, you had a DB Coach previously, that means you most likely had a thread going. Do you want me to try to find your last thread and post the link here? It would be helpful to the readers to know more about your situation and if you are a "repeat" poster, then the old threads help us more than you think.
Also, you are on moderation for a couple of days, which means that when you post, a moderator has to approve your postings.
Thank you for the offer. This is the only thread I started. Thank you for letting me know about moderation.
Should my post be moved to newcomers? I am not a repeat poster. What information would be helpful/best to share from what I already shared? Thank you. Me: 42, WAW: 37, D:10, S:7, S:3, D:1. M:9/2014, S: 8/16-11/16, 8/17-Present.
Also, think WAW has PPD. Does not need my help with kids because her parents live with us.
You can post anywhere on the forums. If you think you would feel more comfortable in Newcomers, you can post there. Sandi is excellent over on Newcomers and has a great insight into walkaways.
When you state that you are separated, are you living in the inlaws home or are you living elsewhere or you and your w have separate bedrooms?
Did something happen 18-24 months before she "dim" on you? Does she work or a stay at home mom? Could it be that the living arrangements are not helping? Maybe she feels trapped living under the same roof w/her parents. Has she said anything about needing a change? Living w/the parents and having children as well as step children can be wearing, especially if she has no other interests.
The little bit of info that you gave us is a step in the right direction. What do you do in the way of hobbies/interests? I suggest that you take a walk around the forum and read some of the other postings and you'll get a much better feel of what you may wish to post about your situation.
One thing that you need to do is keep the focus on you and your children. Give her plenty of space and time to think about things. One thing...when she appears interested in having conversations w/you, listen to what she's saying, validate and affirm her discussions and don't appear too eager to keep the dialogue going. If she is depressed, then it's an effort to just get up and get through the day for her. Be sure to acknowledge when she has done something for you or the kids that she hasn't been doing. Complimenting and acknowledging what she's done will go a long way.
Bottom line, you need to keep the focus on you and your children. Right now, they need you more than ever before because their mother is off in her own little world and if she can't help herself, she surely can't help them. Just remember, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her...she has to do that on her own time clock, which is very slow.
Thank you for the guidance. This forum works for me and you have given me hope. I actively look at the other posts to try to see if there similarities and strategies I can glean from.
Our separation is as follows. In state #1, my WAW owns the house with our two youngest kids. In laws live the house with her. I live in the house when I am in state #1, but she has limited the time I stay there for about a week or so per month with separation. In state #2, I own a house and spend about 10 days per month with my 2 eldest kids from previous marriage. Recently she came out with the two youngest for weekend and she will come out again in a few months. Most of the time, all kids are not in the same house.
When we are both in same house, we stay in separate bedrooms. All in all the time apart before separation did not help us, as whenever I travel for work, I was not in state #1, which impacted her. I am willing to change my custody agreement with Ex to spend more time with WAW and kids, but will not offer that till she wants to reconcile. WAW works part time.
We met through work and travelled together often. Work hard and play hard. Now with a family and things slowed down, connections definitely went away. I am certainly at fault for my part in this and not connecting well with her family - but the connection piece is very good now. I think parents know she is making a mistake but dont want to approach her on the subject. I think a lot changed in her life with kids that she is depressed, but she wont admit it and appears happy with her family. Honestly, I feel she questions why she needs to be with me, when she has support she needs at her home.
When I am in state 1, I do as much as I can to help with kids. I watch them in the afternoons and weekends, I cook dinner, clean, etc.
I like to run and bike and travel. So I try to stay busy and give her space. NO nagging or anything.
I hope the additional information on my situation helped. I am away from state #1 and now WAW is not returning calls or answering when I call to talk to the kid last each day. Any advise on next steps? This is unusual as she has in the past.
You said that your family lives with her parents. Why not call them to check on the child if she's not answering your calls?
Thank you for the advice. When I texted her saying I was planning to call, she claimed she did not get my calls, but not she is answering. So thanks for the advice. Does it makes sense to talk with her parents and tell them my concerns about her? She has told me that she wants to divorce but feels that she will regret the decision. I think her parents know she is but are too frightened to get her upset. I think she could use some counseling.
Hi black5, I'm sorry for the situation you are in - it's tough - and it does get better in time, plenty of time.
I would step back from involving her parents and suggesting counselling for her. Though if you feel you would benefit from counselling - as many of us here have - go for it.
It is tempting to feel that 'we know best' for our MLCer, but they are grown ups and it's important to let them take their own journey. Your journey is the most important one here.
Thank you, Soto. It is hard to stay patient after reaching month 7 of separation. I don’t think she will file. What she will try to do is test me to the point that I file, but I won’t. What makes no sense to me is that she wants divorce so early in our marriage and with a 1 and 4 year old. Vexing to me.
Also, can anyone comment on what it means when a MLC WAW won’t look you in the eyes when complementing or saying goodbye?
When they won't look you in the eyes...it is guilt/shame. Think about it, when you were a child and did something wrong and you knew it was wrong...you didn't look your parents in the eyes either.
People who lie also can't look you directly in the eyes.
In time, you may even notice the eyes look dull/dead or as we call them "shark eyes". This is part of the depression.
Thank you, Job. I suspect for my WAW it is feeling guilty rather than lying. What makes it strange is that her family all around her is super friendly to me. I wish they would talk to her.
It's best if the family doesn't say too much to her. It will only cause more headaches for all. The more people try to talk to her, the more determined she will be to do whatever it is she is doing.
Ok, thank you, Job. I read through the MLC signs thread and can honestly say my WAW is exhibiting so many of those behaviors, it is amazing. The random blaming, self centered behavior, ignorance of others, picking fights for the most random meaningless issues, Jekyll and Hyde. I’ve come to accept her behavior and just act as if and focus on this kids and myself. She keeps looking for ways to justify her decision and I feel she is running out of them. I am ready to start setting more boundaries once our separation agreement.is due to be extended, with next visitation dates. I will no longer stay in a hotel when I am in town and can be home. I will no longer let her drive the train. If she has an issue with me being home more than she wants, I will just leave early and come home late in the evening. I travel enough and am away from home that she is getting plenty of space. After 8 months of separation, I think I should be a bit more assertive.
May I ask whom initiated a formal separation agreement ? Did you hire an attorney or work out between the 2 of you?
Separation agreement was mutual and developed informally, not via an attorney
Thank you for letting me know.
Sorry for hijacking your thread.
urhappy,
What is your story? You are on moderation and every time you post, the moderators are getting notifications to approve your postings. If you would be so kind as to post your story, I can then remove you from moderation and we can offer you advice and support.
Job, Do you see any concerns with the approach I am thinking of regarding assertiveness? She may not like it and it affects connections, but I should not have to be the one that had to leave the house.
No, you shouldn't be the one to leave your home. If she's not happy about the situation, she has two options, 1) stay there and live in a spare bedroom or 2) leave. I certainly wouldn't give up my master bedroom to keep her happy, but that's my personal opinion.
Let's she how she takes the news that you aren't moving out.
Oh I thought I had to post in the new comers thread so I did
Thanks for the confirmation. She won’t take it well, because I’ve lived outside of the home for the extra days that we did not agree to as part of the in home separation. I see this potentially putting her over the edge and she files, but I have to draw a line.
Just got an ask to start paying child support, after 8 months of separation. Strange turn of events.
Gave her the news and she offered me just a week there. Unacceptable. Completely unfair to the kids. I kindly disagreed and asked to compromise. Let’s see what happens
Her response to more is she still wants to divorce. But she has not moved forward because I asked her not to. Thoughts on what to say?
I’m in need of help. I am trying to empathize with my WAW yet stand firm on wanting to be in the house more. I can not afford to stay in hotels anymore and she is not budging letting me stay on 7 days per month in the house. I want to be there for my kids there and it breaks my heart how selfish she is being. I have two kids from a previous marriage who l share curstody with in a different state and they will be heartbroken when I tell them their new stepmom is divorcing me. I can’t afford to live in two places. I can’t fight her if she wants to file, but what markes no sense to me is that she says she won’t file because I asked her no to and we’re all still going as a family on vacation this summer. She is also visiting me in another state. I think she is in full MLC mode and I want to talk to her parents about my concern because they live with us. Just don’t know the best way to navigate this. Any thoughts?