Hello All,
I am a newbie posting, here, but have read these posts for several months. I greatly appreciate all the wonderful advice I've seen thus far. I'm in this particular thread because I am now a LBS (I'm assuming that means Left Behind Spouse?)
from a H in MLC.
Sometimes I get confused about what my situation really is. My H, who I believe is in MLC, has also been an alcoholic for the majority of our 18 years together. (He only sobered for 4 years whilst our daughter was very young.)
When I met him, 20 years ago, and we forged a friendship, he was sober. However, then he worked abroad for a few years and came back as a drinker. Yet, I had already formed the bond, and our relationship turned into more at that point. Reason: I was told a story about the drinking, and that it really wasn't a problem. The reason he had gone to AA in the past was for drug reasons from his youth which he would never allow into his life again.
Anyway, many years have passed, and much arguing about the drinking, but I still felt a love connection all that time. He still apologised and tried to pursue.
Well, he turned 49 nine months ago, and he announced that he felt numb for me and couldn't see us growing old together. That's when it became apparent that he was going into MLC. I took it as a cry for help. I agreed to go to counselling for the things he thought I had: OCD, Anger Management Issues.
He also went to some counselling sessions (which he now sais that the therapist told him to move on), but was also simultaneously forging an emotional connection with a female work colleague. (I now know.) Too, the drinking continued, and escalated at times, and his willingness to connect got less and less. It was as if he couldn't even stand to come home to have dinner with us.
We tried to make it work, or at least I did, but he's now moved out to a flat far away. Said I was too controlling.
He's said so many things in the past months that just sound so bizarre. He's never been the "most" responsible person when it came to the majority of our home life (Great worker and very responsible there!), but I truly had thought that he took pride in being a fairly good husband, father and provider. It's as if none of that matters any more. He told me very recently that he's Impetuous and that doesn't work with someone like me who needs stability. Which follows suit with the other things he's been saying like, "We've just grown apart." But he's also said, in the last month, that he never really loved me, never really let me in, etc.
I haven't seen too many posts from people who have MLC H who are also highly functioning alcoholics, so part of me is wondering if our Crisis is one where the alcoholic is just finally ready to stop trying to make it work with the non-alcoholic or what. (It seemed to get worse after his last binge 3 months ago, when I told him I wouldn't be drinking with him anymore. That's when plans to separate escalated.)
Does any of this resonate with any of you?
WWHWU = When will he wake up
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmMichele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29
HI
My XH was a recovering alcoholic from age 21-40
at 40 he began MLC and soon after he started with prescription drugs and alcohol
Alanon is helpful for the spouse of an alcoholic
many MLCer will turn to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain
ususally I would think their addiction will escalate in mlc as they enter replay
The best you can do is take care of u..get support..try alanon
IC read, sleep exercise ect.
You will not ever really know if its his alcoholism, or MLC that made him snap..they are both pretty powerful illnesses
and both together makes a huge mess
either way you will not be able to fix him or this-
best to try to fix you-
hang in
Hello Peacetoday,
Sorry for my late response but I’m new to this. Now he’s saying that he has a girlfriend with a 2 year old daughter. He can barely take care of our 14 year old daughter much less a 2 year old!
I wonder if she knows he’s an alcoholic?
I shouldn’t care. I know this blog is about divorce busting but I just don’t see it happening with this one sadly. I see that you’re divorced now and wondering how you’ve moved on?
Helllo Peacetoday,
Sorry for the late response. I’m new at this.
I know that this blog is all about divorce bustin* but I don’t really see a light e end of this tunnel. He’s now with a woman that has a 2 year old daughter and I’m wondering how he thinks he can be a good influence on her when he can barely keep up with our 14 year old! Wondering if she knows he’s an alcoholic?
Anyway, I think I shouldn’t dwell on that an need to move on.
I see that you’re divorced. How have you found the transition?
Note: been in Al Anon scores 9 months now.
WWHWU, hello and welcome.
The very best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is detach as lovingly as possible. Really put the principles of alanon to work. Do you have an alanon sponsor?
There (in detachment) you will find a host of things: peace, real control of the only thing you have control over (yourself), strength, calm.
You have an opportunity here to take a deep breath and think about what you want - for your daughter, for yourself. How do you want to spend the rest of your life. There are others here who have spouses who are active in their alcoholism or addictions, or a merely on a raging dry drunk like mine was for years. I believe very strongly in marriage and family, but I also am pragmatic enough to know that only an alcoholic can do the work to fill that gaping hole inside with something other than substances.
In essence, I am on the side of leaving them to it and focusing on your own recovery. Trust that if you're meant to be together down the road, that will happen, but first you both have work to do individually.
I hope this helps xoxoxoxo
Hi
I know it is very hard to let go especially in the beginning
It is,most helpful to be there now for your 14 year old
listen to her
alateen if needed
Whether your H is just in his addiction or MLC or both,,You are still most powerless
I'm glad you have the support of alanon
He may believe the new R will fix him and he will be happy --but unfortunately that is usually not the way the story here ends
You can spend your time best by going to counseling alone and getting support thru alanon-working on you
He will spiral down more and get even more crazy
By working the steps and making some new support friends
try to have some fun
remember none of this is your fault,,
an alcoholic is a ticking bomb ready to explode at any time
You can take care of you and your D
Make sure if she goes with him..he is sober and safe
hang in
It takes time but most of us land on our feet and usually better
than b4
Hello Bttrfly and Peacetoday,
Thank you both for your kind responses.
It’s been a trying few days. On Friday it was our official 16 year anniversary and it came and went with no words. He stays in my flat on the weekends to be with our daughter...at least he’s been reliable in that for the last 3 weeks. Prior to that hit and miss, but when I sent him notes from the school counsellor about what she talked about in the session: “Distraught and very sad that he chose to move so far away, etc.,” that’s when he decided to buck up and come regularly. Only problem is, then I have to see him too and it’s causing anxiety. So, this time I went away to the countryside to visit some dear friends.
When I returned today he asked if we could talk. Said that our D was worried about me. Said I tune into Too much inspirational videos and music, meditation, etc. What? How does one expect to heal from what I’ve just been through? Or is this more of the mind games he plays with me? I noticed she was short with her responses when I asked her about her week end.
It’s downright amazing how he can deny he’s an alcoholic and claim that he only binged because he was hen pecked by me. He said now that he’s happy he can drink socially without over indulging. I don’t really believe that. He used to tell me that he could control it too...until he couldn’t.
I told him that he sure is going through a lot of trouble with all of the other changes in his life to avoid getting sober. He said that it was my controlling that drove him away. I told him that yes I did do that but it was my way of trying to hold on to our dying relationship..
No, I know it’s not my fault. I just wish I had read the warning signs way back when...
I have found a sponsor in Al Anon and have gotten her commitment today. Yeah!
She’s pretty tough, though, requires 3 meetings a week to start! (1 can be online though) That’s my Sat and Sun booking up quick because the rest of the week I’m single mom now.
Things are progressing with meditation and will be slowly but surely getting a Divorce. I’d love to stand and fight for this marriage but I just can’t see a light. Think it would take a miracle and I’ve even stopped praying for that.
I am working on myself despite any flack I get.
Thank you again for wise advise!
Hello
Google gaslighting and addiction.(thats what it sounds like hes doing with the meditation comments to daughtet) Thats what i am working on understanding and you can find me in the surviving divorce forum.
I came on here in 2015 as julieh with absolutely no clue my ex was a high functioning addict. I thought affair, mlc, depression,ocd. Then i found bank statements going back 3 years showing withdrawals in bad neighborhoods of 800 per week in addition to 100 almost everyday. I also found credit card statements going back 5 year showing 300 dollars per month from 3 different liquor stores.
The dysfunctionality of our relationship crept up on me...in the beginning i felt guilty for being mad amd resentful all the time and now i know why (although i still doubt it cause he is so high functioning)
He painted this pic to his family, coworkers, our marriage counselor about how miserable our marriage was. How negative and cynical I was. How i did not accept him for who he was. Called me verbally abusive.
Now i am realizing i was complaining about things that made no sense...sleeping till 2, constantly disappearing, not saving or having money when he worked as a professional. And how it was all twisted and deflected.
I dont think addicts are really capable of real love. Im trying to learn more.
I agree with jujuB
Addicts/alcoholics are a real mess and even in recovery as my XH was sober for 20 years--unless they put real effort/change /therapy into their recovery..
R willany active addict/alcoholic will be very difficult/impossible
Great you got support with Alanon..great program and people
I will ignore anything your H says..they have a stake in us staying sick...so your recovery may scare him as he knows he is not making any effort for healing himself
Alcoholics cant become social drinkers ever-- so he is just lying to himself..He may control it for a few weeks or months but the disease is real, alive and present
once he takes the first drink--
You are doing well so continue with your program
Be there for D
most important to just listen to her right now
I would sit on edge of bed in D room as a preteen and just listen
they open up and I would Nod and not say much just listen
That helped my D get through this
Today she is 22..graduating College in may
smart, kind and well adjusted
Hello jujuB and peacetoday,
I can't thank you enough for your responses! I did google Gaslighting and Oh my...that's exactly what he's doing! I'm not sure how to protect myself from it though. I will have a talk with my D later tonight. I like the advice to just sit at the edge of her bed and listen. I'll do that.
He also said that his family is happy for him in his new life and love. Sickening, as we're not even divorced yet, and why would they want their granddaughter to suffer through this nonsense? He's just so happy now! So, they'll believe that I was the culprit, all along, even though I have told them that he's an alcoholic in MLC.
He said that he just doesn't want to "lie" about his life anymore. Well, that's what he does...he lies. He said that he found OW online after he moved out 2 mos. ago. That they've been dating 2 mos. So, he immediately found someone online the day he moved out? Also, what online woman falls in love and introduces her child to a stranger in less than 2 mos. time? Conveniently, she lives in the same city that he moved far away to. I do believe there's more to this story, but he won't admit it.
I wish I could go back to the US, but my D is not having it. She won't leave her father, and I really don't want her to be without a father, but it's difficult in that he does some good things for her but then does these negative things as well. He wants to treat her more like a friend than a father, so he tells her "confidential" things that I'll never know. He'd also battle me in court to keep her here, and I don't want to put her through that. I keep wondering if eventually he'll just stop showing up again, and then she'll get the picture. We shall see.
I was hoping he'd hit rock bottom soon, but he just keeps on going. He's gotten the finances of his business as messed up as he's gotten ours. I wish I could tell his boss the truth about him, but that would be self sabotage. I need his income to survive. Rent in London is expensive!
I couldn't find the posts from 2015 as julieh, but God bless you for what you've been through. I have questioned my actions over and over again, trying to see what I could have done differently, and I think the thing I did do was hang in there until my D was almost 15, as that's the age when divorce isn't as traumatising or so my therapist said. That's really the best I could do.
I also loved unconditionally, although he would disagree. In the end he kept saying he just wanted unconditional love. Does that mean that you can not come home for dinner, come home super late, not call, not communicate with me on a real level, not support me, and not truly love and respect me, and that's OK? Well, I still did love him through all that, but he doesn't see it that way because I wasn't happy about him crossing boundaries. So, I spoke out.
I love to hear that your D is successful and happy peacetoday. It's inspiring.
Much love to you both and thank you again for your kind and very helpful responses!
Its hard to make sense of th MLCer actions
I'm not sure when /how my xh met OW
She was his secretary but I think he hired her after the A had started..they live secret lives,,He M her- now they are D
Have you seen a L yet..you many want to protect your assets and know your rights
Usually the MLCer will visit a lot in the beginning but visit less as time goes on
The MLCer becomes a Disney dad..they are usually terrible parents
extremely self centered
keep taking care of yourself
alanon will open new doors and new life for you
I’m pretty sure my WH met the OW at some work function/event. He is always staying out late and drinking with people at these things. Double life really. It was as if he’s two people. The one trying to be a good husband and father whilst at home and the one who once out the door becomes a single, party crazy, man. He did drink at home, a lot, don’t get me wrong. But on the couch in front of the TV and then fall asleep is very different than the late night binges that he does away from home.
The weird thing is that I’ve always viewed him as an introvert, but he claims he’s an extrovert. I know it’s the drink that fuels that for him.
I’ve been studying the Kubler-Ross cycle of depression and grief. It does feel like my husband has died and I have to see his ghost visiting my daughter every weekend. I revert to previous parts of the grief each time I see him and then have to start over again after he leaves. I breathe a big sigh of releaf when he’s gone yet at the same time am sad that he goes. I’m now on anti depressants so that’s helping.
I’m also going to two Alanon meetings this weekend so that should help. I need to regain my sanity.
Can’t thank you guys enough for hanging in there with me!
I reread your initial post and just so many similarities between the exes. The only real differences between our situations are that my son is only 7 and I had absolutely no idea about the alcoholism or addiction.
My ex is high functioning. He is an engineer, went to top schools, literally perfect grades. Goes to work and was supposedly this superstar. He would act like he was the go to person and how he was greatly needed by all for his superior skills. I believe he stayed at the job because they had flex hours and they turned a blind eye to his coming in after 12. He would then work all hours of the night. When i went through his bank statements it showed that he would leave work at 3 in the afternoon and end up in bad neighborhoods withdrawing high amounts of cash. (I heard through the grape vine from a coworker that was a friend of his, that none of the higher ups caught on. They thought he was great)
I had no idea and believed that corporate america was taking advantage of his work ethic and "engineer mind". I was resentful that he would sleep all morning and then work all night because it meant he had no time for me or to help with house work and son.
He would never wake up in the mornings. With tons of alarms blaring. He even missed picking up our son a few times from preschool at 12 while I was at work. Then on weekends I would wait around for him to wake up and once he did, he would disappear on a mysterious errands. He never came home for dinners (supposedly because of traffic patterns and going to the gym). He never had money. He never had compassion for the things I was going through miscarriages, cancer, any illness because it meant I would need his help with son. He initially had problems with sexual completion (i later found out this is a common problem among opiate addicts) and then later with ED. He would complain about how we never had sex, but whenever we tried he couldnt perform. He was always running out to buy immodium. I thought that this was due to IBS. Later found out immodium has Loperamide which helps with opiate withdrawals.
When he was preparing to leave ,he talked about how bad i was and his marriage was to his mother and coworkers and friends. But of course it was bad. I was reacting to absolutely crazy behaviors. He made it out like I was needy and controlling and constantly criticizing him. How I did nothing for him. How I didnt even do his laundry (he never wanted me to because he liked it done a certain way) Everyone believed it, even me.
He said something very similar to me that your ex said to you. How our marriage could not work because we wanted different things that we couldnt give each other. Something about How I wanted affection and intimacy and he wanted someone that would either work full time or be a super house wife. That I was not ambitious enough for him(i am a part time physiotherapist and son is special needs)
It was at the point where I found about 18 hidden bottles of empty Jack Daniels in his desk. When I showed the marriage counselor she said "he was drinking to mask the pain from our marriage" That she did not think he had a real problem, When I showed his mom she said "he liked to collect bottles". (at that point I did not have the years of his credit card or bank statements)Even when I went to his mom with proof that his spending problems indicated a pain pill issue, she did not want to hear it. He lives with her now and she believes that he cannot afford anything because of child support.
He is well dressed, comes across to others as humble and quiet and polite. As a bit nerdy and all american. As a kind father that comes every other weekend and pays his child support on time. And on top of things (he is when it comes to money) but he has depleted his IRA, had tons of unexplained credit card debt)I have to keep on top of him for paying his share of extracurricular and medical expenses.
Im sorry this is so lengthy and I do not want to hijack. But I do want to point out all the signs I experienced of living with a high functioning addict. Because when I read some of yours, It just hit home and made me feel less crazy.
When they are high functioning, its so easy to be gaslighted. It is so so damaging. I think worse. Because we lose our sense of reality. They are not the typical addicts you see on TV. My ex can be quite charming.
Vanilla has some great posts on my thread that were helpful.
I also want to say that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Healing takes time. I am still triggered. (He left in the summer of 2015 and I only found out about the addiction within the past year)
I do not miss him nor do I miss our relationship. I just feel traumatized by it. By the double life. I am coming to terms with the fact that I was probably more of a cover for him then anything else. We were together for over 15 years. But he always seemed a bit empty to me. no real imagination or engagement or passion. I thought for a long time he was on the spectrum.
Since he has been gone, I barely get sick. I get more time for myself and now he is forced to contribute financially.
I am dating a man that is extremely generous. Wants to spend time with me. And has similar experiences with his ex.
Things are slowly getting better. I have ups and downs.
Wow! I am blown away by the kind responses and follow up by you lovely members. I haven't been here in a while because there's just so much going on.
I have mediation on Tuesday w/my soon to be X, moving closer to the D and I've been procrastinating getting all of the paper work together for that. I do feel overwhelmed, and I've put everything else first. However, I'm also trying to build a life for myself: Job hunting/interviews - I'm in software so each time I have to learn a new technology. Still working my current job.
Being a single mum now, and caring for my teen D, who's emotions go up and down every day, but she stays fairly quiet because she doesn't want to rock the boat. Sometimes, I'd rather her just yell at me. I just try to hold her, when she'll let me, whilst we watch TV in the evening. That's the best we can do together right now. I am learning to keep a zip lip and just listen when she finally does talk. It's usually about friends or school work though, and not her dad and I.I can only hope the counselling at the school is working for her. She refuses to go to Al Anon groups with me. (There's one on Sat. AM which includes children.)
All I can do is work my steps to recovery right now. I haven't really been that selfish before, but this is a time to be I think.
I have men that come around who want to date me. Some are good, some are bad, and some are in-between. I think it's too soon, but I do crave a close relationship with a man as well. I have one special friend who is an in-between, but I can see that he's got issues too. Doesn't everyone, though. I don't want to settle, though, and I don't want to make mistakes that would hurt me or my daughter, and our future. I've asked God to take the compulsion for closeness with a man away, but it's still a struggle.
Men are so very different in this department. They are able to be working on a relationship w/someone else in the background, whilst also exiting the one they're currently in. Hopping from one to the next seemingly without too much of a care.
I wan to see the light at the end of the tunnel for sure!
Now, about the soon to be X. Everything that you talked about JujuB resonated so much. I do believe your sitch was worse in that, unless I'm mistaken, I don't think my WAH had a drugs problem. He said that was all worked through in his youth...I still wonder though...and I'm also thinking if he didn't then, well he probably does now.
I did have a very nice talk with my DB coach this last week. Interestingly, we've come to the conclusion together that the initial option that I was going to try is not going to work for me. I was thinking of making him file for the D with no grounds = 2 years separation before D can be final. That would give us 2 years to possibly come back together (miracle of miracles) before the D actually went through.
However, when I shared with her about some of the recent discussions that I've had w/WAH, she's convinced that he's on a very long time trajectory of pain for himself and anyone who's with him. She agrees that he probably has several other addictions as well. I think sex is one, and porn. He's got the two extra phones and Viagra to prove it. Also, because in his mind he thinks he's moved on and can have a girlfriend, and he lies to me and my daughter and sais it's all very new. It's obvious that it's been going on a while. I told him I feel sorry for her, and he said that that's an evil thing to say. As if it's this beautiful spiritual relationship that they have. He's charmed her for now, just like he'd charmed me for so long. Still, he sais that it's my fault he moved on as I was too controlling. Gaslighting. When people try to convince you it's you, it's not true. These 3 A's are deal busters: Addiction, Affairs, Abuse. He's done all 3, and all repeatedly.
My DB coach told me that my daughter wants to believe him because it hurts not to. She doesn't want to believe that her father is this monster he's become. She keeps a photo of the two of them as a screen saver on her phone now. It's one I took when we were in FL and he was in recovery. I was walking behind them so it's just their backs and her beautiful shiny ginger hair flowing from her tiny precious head, proudly holding the hand of this her big strong Poppy. She was age 3 I think. They're walking on the sidewalk, on a bright sunny day and the lush tropical foliage all around. He had gotten sober for her back then.
When he was in recovery for the 4 years whilst we were in the US, (10+ years ago.) I had so much admiration for him. I watched as he spoke behind a podium about how wonderful his life is now and how he's so grateful for the program. He praised me and our D for helping him stay sober. We would often go to open meetings together, and our little D would play under the table. It was sometimes a challenge to keep her quite, but we were a family working things through together. He got his masters, and I supported him through that. He started a business. I was so proud. We had a beautiful home and money in the bank.
Something deep inside of him couldn't be satisfied with all that though. His demons wanted to get back to the life of drink and fiefdom that he had enjoyed in the UK before - making his staff his best friends and drinking buddies. Back then, he told me the reason for the move to the UK, besides the job opp, was to also help struggling/boring AA groups in the UK improve. Yes, I kid you not, that was one of a 3 part mission that he said he received signs from God for! He was drinking again w/in 6 mos. after we moved here. The other vision was to help struggling churches in renewal mode. We joined one, and his contribution was to play in the band. He's now turned church into his gig. He's now told everyone that the only real reason he got involved with church is because I forced him to in order for us to be together.
Addicts are in relationship w/their addiction, and that rules and controls their world. It's a slow suicide. Nothing in their world is about love because they don't give it to themselves. He's now in complete denial. I asked him if his girlfriend knows that he's an alcoholic, and he said "this isn't helping." Said he doesn't binge anymore because he's not having to deal with me. Translation = Doesn't need to binge because he can freely drink all day without repercussions from me.
In the mediation on Tuesday, I'm going to be open and honest. He doesn't want me to file on grounds of alcoholism, said he'd rather I just say it's due to poor finance management (he has indeed squandered all of our savings and my pension on the business he started in the US, that of course failed. He blames me for its failure.) However, my DB coach said that if I'm not honest he won't learn that his actions have consequences, and that's not helping him. This is not about revenge. Some things in life we will never regret: Being Kind and Truthful are two big ones. Bailing him out is not a kind thing to do.
In the end, I will be able to say that I left no stone unturned, I did my best and I spoke the truth.
Much love and gratitude to you all for listening!
hi
best to avoid any new romantic relationships I think as you said
for a few reasons
1.we may and usually do pick another that may have same/worse issues than H
2.harmful for children
3.jumping in too soon may also prevent our inner healing and grieving from R breakup with H
Relationships may ne difficult to get put of-
I'm sure there are more
But you may want to concentrate on making friends with women right now and healing-(just my 2 cents)
Hi there, I would echo what wise Peace has already said - far better to wait when it comes to dating. Looking back I can see that guys I may have been interested in the early days after BD would have been a disaster. As time has gone on, and I have moved forward myself, I attract guys who are in a better place themselves.
I've been on the forum for a while, and I have never once seen anyone post - hey, I waited a little too long before dating. There is no 'too long' but there certainly is 'too short.' I think it is healthy to wait at least until divorce - and until the dust has settled after divorce too - I waited until a year after divorce before opening that door. Others date sooner and don't seem to have regrets..
As for the advice from your DB coach - I would follow it as those guys know what they are talking about. And you can do so kindly as you say.
Good luck with everything - it sounds like you are doing pretty well, given all circumstances
Update: My WAH "forgot" to book the mediation appointment = he didn't have his financial accounts in order. He's hiding something that he didn't want to divulge yet. Of course, he blamed it on everyone else including me. Lastly, he blamed it on his dyslexia. He's had dyslexia his whole life. I told him that he runs a software company and yet he can't make an appointment. He said that he has people to do that for him. I told him that he should have gotten them to book it then. Now, it's postponed until next month. I was soooo ready!