I thought my last thread would be the final one in regards of ex-h as we did not have much contact anymore and our goal has been reached ( in regard of the children' s future).
It seem like he will not stop his financial responsability until all 4 are done school. And even so, i think he will continue to help me personally unless i get involve with someone else. (Only an opinion of mine).
Ob the 23rd, ex-h took my 2 youngest out for supper.
On the 24th, we were invited to join my sister for supper and play a few games. On the 25th, Son and gf brought D2's car back. They had supper with us and i drove them back to Timmins.
Eventho we had no plans until the 29th, it turned out really nice.
It was a sad Christmas for many around here. Many tragedy took place and it made us appreciate our time together even more.
A couple of my friends lost there son to suicide. Another lost his daughter to disease.
A neighbour lost his garage to fire and part of his house. A teacher has been ban from teaching for personal reason ( mlcer ) while her husband is still teaching at the same establishment and trying to keep himself together for their 2 children..
It' s a small town and everyone knows everybody elses' s business but it also touches us more because they are friends.
My son wrote a very nice tribute to our family! How much we mean to him and all the progress of each one through the years gone by! They make me soooo proud!!
Well, that' s it for now! I' m excited for the 29th. Together at last!!
Hope your Christmas was filled with love, laughter, gratitude and appreciation. There is always a few moments that will be remembered in a warm and loving ways.. May you find comfort and strenght in those moments!!
Xox
Yesterday was amazing!!! A whole day with all 4 of my children and their partners!
Unfortunately, son' s gf was working at 3pm so son drove her back to Timmins and came back to have supper with us. I gave him my truck to go home last night because he has to work a 7am to 3pm and has a supper at his father' s tonight. He should be there around 5h30. I' m not sure if i will be driving him back tonight or if he will keep my truck an extra day because he is working at 7am tomorrow to. We shall see.
When all the arrangement for rides were taking place, ex- h said he would go pick up son after his shift but told the girls to go help his gf to do things over there.
Needless to say, they had no interest. Also, son did not want to rely on his dad because ex- h works under his schedule not son' s and son did not want to wait for everybody to leave before getting his ride back. Like i said, he works at 7am tomorrow.
Son was not gonna go at all if i did not figure it all out. All 4 will be going but it looks like it will be a quick visit.
Now D2 is feeling bad for me because not only will i be alone but also without a vehicule. I said: hey, i offered my car freely. I was not planning on going anywhere. I could always text Mariette to pick me up if we decide to go for a coffee. I will be fine.:)
She knows i did have plans to go out. I was gonna join son' s gf after her shift and be with her until the rest of them came back.
Last night, we also invited future SIL' s mother to join us for supper. She came. We played games and had fun.
Today, cleaning and re-organising the house. Plenty of left over so no supper to cook.. it' s an easy, slow paste but getting things done kind of day.
The kids will be heading out around 4 ( i presume, maybe even later). Ex- h has invited Kara. A daughter of his from his teenager years, our 4 kids, and probably gf' s kids. It does not seem like " little lady3' s child was invited as he claims it is not his.. i am sure i will hear about tonight when they get back. Quite the circus. I often wonder if there is more kids i do not know about? And yet, if the answer was yes, it would only repulse me even more. But in this day and age, this seem to be the norm.. and i refuse to make it my norm. I do not fit in this new era
Sounds like everyone has had a good time and will be popping over to their father's place for a bit.
I'm sure you may be enjoying the slower pace today, even if it's cleaning up the house.
You sound good. Enjoy your quiet time because they'll be back before you know it! LOL!
Lol... i know!!
I will be the ride back for my son to Timmins and the ride back to my daughter to North Bay..
road trips on the horizon!! I ratter look at it this way than calling myself the taxi driver.. lol
I was right.. my 3 daughters left my house at 4pm and Son left Timmins at 4h15 to drive to ex-h' s who lives an hour and 15 min. away.
They ate supper, opened gifts and were sent on their merry way at 9pm from ex- h. I was surprise to hear this. Ex- h said it was late and they should hit the road back.
Kara did not show up and i do not know if gf' s kids were present.
Not much was shared with me. Son said ex-h' s gift were toys oriented. He was expecting hunting gears and came back with dragon ball Z figurines. Son and ex- h used to watch the series together way back when. Son was surprised but pleased!
We drove son back to Timmins. "We" they all came with me. We just got back and it is 1h00 AM here so i will say good night to you all.
I wish the badge would go away and the loving father would reappear.
Unfortunately, he is longggg gone and lectures and intimidation is all he knows now.
Totally oblivious.. piss me off.
D17 came home crying because of texts from her dad.
I asked if she did anything wrong.. She said No. I know she is tellung the truth. I have witnesses to her words. So i asked why she was so upset and she said Dad. I' m afraid of him. I told her to not let his intimidation get to her. In order for him to leave her alone, she should say sorry and drop it. I told her to look at the facts. She did not do anything and therefor has NO REASON to feel guilty.
Ex-h is a pro at making us feel like cr*p for no reason.
I shouldn' t have said this to her tho:
" He did the same thing to me. I did not leave, i did not lie, i did not keep secrets, i did not abuse, betrayed and i was not unfaithful. He can think whatever he wants. It would be different if you were in the wrong but you are not so put it to rest. Apologize, say good night and shut off your phone."
Why did i tell her yo apologize? Because ex-h will not end anything uI wish the badge would go away and the loving father would reappear.
Unfortunately, he is longggg gone and lectures and intimidation is all he knows now.
Totally oblivious.. piss me offntil you put an end to it in his favor. He would go on and on and repeat himself 20 times if he has to.
Oooffff .. feels good to vent. I feel calmer now.
Anyway. Ex-h did not contact me about anything and i did not contact him.
D17 said he wants her to go visit him next week-end. She said. yeah right! I can' t wait to leave.!!!
I said" Just shut your phone off. That is where your stress come from. He does not contact me because he knows i will not allow him to falsely accuse anyone of us.
NO MORE!!!! NOT EVER!!
The event that took place: friday night, D17 went to pick up D15 at her friend's house.
The mother of this friend called the police and said she had been followed, not realizing that it was D17.
D17 got arrested and was questioned without knowing what or who they were tslking about.
The next day, the whole thing came to light and the mother apologized to D15 and D17. (But nothing was said to the cops.) Funny right??
Except that the cop from here told ex-h about this. Now, we have him lecturing D17 and making feel guilty for something she did not do.
((exquisitetobe)) - I am glad that your kids have you to be the sane parent. I thought hard about what sort of advice I might have and I've got nothing.
I remember when my kids were young and my ex would yell at them when they did something wrong way past the necessary and until they broke down and cried. Some people don't know when to stop.
Police culture is a thing. Prior to me, my ex was OW to a cop. I remember her telling me that she had him do a background check on me. For many of them, I don't think that it is possible for them to put down the badge. It's part of who they are.
Thank you for the hug Andrew!!
The sun, no, let me rephrase that.. the new day is upon us. It' s is nice and mild for a change. I asked D17 how she was doing today and she said " better".
I asked if ex-h was still texting her and she said he had not answered her Iast text from last night. I said " good! He should have calm down and should be ok today. If he did not and you want me to address him, you let me know!
She said ok and gave me a kiss and a hug.
Peace is restored so far. I hope it stays this way for awhile.
The police check.... yes!! Every car that enters my driveway gets one of those. Any one who gets a little too close, in his eyes, will also get one of those..
I know he cares but his ways of showing it are extreme and he come across as a psycho cop.
Not my circus. .. Life goes on.. new day, new page....
Every time someone who doesn't know what they are talking about tells me that I will be out of the mess of my situation when I get a divorce I just shake my head. When you have to deal with one of these psychos, it is never over. A divorce means nothing. The end of financial responsibility means nothing. The children getting older means nothing. Every time they need a little rush or are between soul mates, they come back for more dopamine. Vampire blood. That is all we are.
Ohhh!! I hear you loud and clear OwnIt..
Thanks for droping in!
At bomb, when the craziness escalated, i had told ex-h that this kind of behavior was not love. It was an obsession or an addiction but not LOVE. You do not threat someone you love this way.
Once i set a boundary towards myself for no longer fixing his crap and stop making excuses, i stated to him that for now on, the world would see him for who he really is.
Did i play a role in his depression and withdrawl. I beleive so. Did he take responsability for his crap? NO
To this day, he is the same.
Last week, D17 got a text from him. " Do not drive around tonight. Road are icy"
No hi, how are you doing? I love you...
She looks at me, shows me the text and says: "that is all he talks to me about now. The car and not wanting to drive at night or in winter."
I said: " he wants you to know he thinks about you and love you. He does not know whst to say cause he has no clue what goes on in your life.
When he came down on her with the arrest, he had asked her to go to his place this week-end. Well, today, he CALLED her and this is how he phrases his sh*t: " Hi! I know you do not have much time to yourself or to spend with your friends; with school and work, so it' s ok if you do not want to come this week-end. Plus, my house is a mess... with the renovations and all the people here...."
She replys: " oh! You don' t want me to go!!! That' s fine."
Then he wonders what is wrong with us??.
The reno of his house... getting ready to put it on the market??
He knows i want to put mine for sale in March. I feel my blood starting to rush..
Why follow us? He doesn' t even take part in our lives except financially so why not leave us alone instead of toying with everyone!! What does it gets him?
Does anyone have an answer? Is he a psychopath?
I just read Irish' s last thread.
I looked back in our exchange with ex-h and i do see text book.
They want us, spouse, to help them fix their mess without knowledge of the pain they caused us nor the struggles we faced because of their choices.
They say they do not blame the children for not wanting to see them yet as soon as they feel rejection ( pain from our sides ), they monster and blame us all over again. They try to bait us for a response once they spewed. And follow with demand of empathy.
9 years passed by him. Frozen in time.
((exquisitetobe)) - Slow down.
He's interested in new and shiny and that can easily explain the renovations. I do agree that he will probably be keeping tabs on you no matter where you go but you need to try to have his rope on you not hold you back.
As far as labeling him a psychopath goes, well you do know him quite well and from what you've posted his current actions are consistent with his past actions. You've learned how to deal with him in your own way even though I know you struggle at times. He blames you because things can't possibly be his fault. They're like toddlers that way I suppose
I'm sure that neither of us will get any sort of acceptable apology from our exes. Because of the zero contact I have with mine it's easier for me. It would be very satisfying in some ways but in my own case at least for the nearly 30 years we were together I can't recall a single sincere apology. And this is from a Canadian woman and you know our reputation for saying "sorry". I expect you have a similar experience.
For me at least and it's probably easier because of the zero contact and fully adult kids, I do think of myself as a single parent. I hesitated before using this phrase because it's rather harsh and I don't mean it that way, but realistically my ex is "dead to me". It's a helpful place to be because I don't have to consider her feelings or needs in any way. I know you can't get there yet and know that it's tough.
The sun is trying to shine down here in the "brown South". Fresh snow is on the ground and we both have a new day to seize and make the best of.
Slow down!
They will try anything and everything to make themselves feel better. They are constantly "changing" things, thinking that by doing renovations will make him happier. This is all part of the ride of the MLCer...seeking new and shiny because he thinks it will make him feel better.
Very few will get an actual heartfelt apology. Apologies are very difficult for them. When I received a so called apology from my xh for being a difficult h for 25 years, I just shook my head. No mention of his monstering for 3 years plus and being a huge @sshole in the process. Like kids, to them apologies are just to smooth things over w/mom or dad and then they are on the move again. If he ever wakes up and comes to you, looks you in the eye and says "I am sorry", that is when it will be heartfelt. Until then chalk up whatever he says and continue moving forward.
Try not to allow his behavior and what he says control/rule you emotionally. Chalk all of it up and then let it go. Until you fully detach and do not allow him to create a reaction within you, he still has control. The only person that can control you is you. You are the only one that can determine how you want to react to his nonsense.
P.S. I would not be so quick to response to his missives. Leave him out there to do whatever he's doing. The less contact you have w/him, the better you will feel.
Thank you both soooo much!!! (((Andrew))) and (((job))!!
My reaction to his non-sense occur here.
Since our last text convo ( my outburst ) he has not made contact with me. I made contact with him to arrange the Christmas suppers and nothing else. He talk through the kids. Very little contact there to.
I agree 110% with: the less we know, the better we are."
D17 asked if we could go on a road trip today. These trips have been our "feel better" moments. We go on adventures and discover our surroundings. Full of GOOD excitement!
Not sure where we will go but the roads will take us somewhere!! Lol
Have a wonderful day!!!
As any posters, LBS experienced the wedding of their child?
Can you share it with us, please.
I wasn't a LBS at the time but I have been at two weddings where there were divorced parents involved. In both cases the divorces had happened a long time ago and there was no infidelity.
At my daughter's wedding her FIL came with his partner. The partner wasn't seated at the ceremony in the "parents" seat and her MIL / FIL were I believe at different tables during the dinner.
At my youngest brother's wedding his FIL walked his daughter down the aisle but again, the FIL/MIL weren't obliged to interact with each other.
In both cases traditional "parents / bride & groom" pictures were taken. There was some tension but overall everything was fine with people focusing on what really mattered.
If my son were to be married I think that I could hold it together and be civil to my ex even if she showed up with her guy but I would certainly minimize any interactions.
Thank you Andrew for sharing your experiences with me.
D22 is engage. They are in for the long hall.. her man is wonderful and the love and respect they share is admirable. I could not be happier for both of them.
The marriage discussion has begun. Marriage in Cuba? Marriage closer to home?
Marriage in Gros Morne, Newfoundland??
I am under the impression that ex-h is left out. ??? I do not know if i should ask D22 what her plan is in regard of ex-h. I have been staying out of the relationship he created between him and each of our children.
In the same time, it got me thinking about my position. I am very VERY anxious around him still to this day.
Having to face his OW and him together is not very appealing to me.
I know it is not about me. I know i will need to prepare mentally for this. I need to reassure myself that I CAN DO THIS AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. I will have anxiety med incase of unexpected events or provocating words from ex-h since he is always the biggest prick to me infront of OW. ( reassurance for her) .
I know for a fact that if ex-h was to come alone, everything would be smooth.
Let the prayers begin..
And MLC continue..
I received a Costco' s renewal notice addressed to ex-h' midden name and MY ADRESS on it.. Are those membership good for TEN years?? I doubt it..
I took a pic of the enveloppe and sent it to ex-h asking if it is his?
He answered: " yes, it is mine"
I ended the conversation with a : ok
What do i do with this now?
D17 does not want to bring it to him. They have been distancing from him since Christmas. Ex-h has been playinv the guilt trip on them while making excuses on his end to not coming to see them.
My question to you guys: " Can you renew those membership on line?
If so, i will ignore this letter all together. If not, i' ll have to find a way to get it to him.
I could do soooo much damage with this!! Lol
He is lucky i am not the type to get revenge. I could give this simple letter to his little lady and expose him. Using different names, different adresses. The fact that MY adress is on it is twice as hard to swallow since we have been separated for so long.
It' s almost like he wants to get caught.
I do know he has OWs beside this living in one and so does the children.
He will never come out of it. He still cycles in ALL STAGES.
I think what triggered him this time around is OUR DISCUSSION to relocate. It seem like he is losing his family (us) all over again.
Maybe i got this all wrong. I am speculating what MLC is to us.
Journaling and comparing our experiences are the best way to knowledge on the subject.
Yes, they can renew on line for Costco and BJ's. They can also renew at the store when they check out. I would file it away under file 13. He knows it's time to renew since you've let him know about it. I wouldn't worry about it.
Don't be surprised if you get more mail w/his name and your address on it. They can't seem to get it together when it comes to the mail. My xh had 5 mailing addresses and still some of his junk mail was coming to my residence. They don't think about changing the mail unless it's some very important to them. Otherwise, it's not important.
The one thing that we all tend to do is over analyze stuff. He's in replay, therefore the cycling back and forth. He'll continue to do this until his issues are resolved. The best thing to do is just leave him be and keep the focus on you and your life for now.
Thank you Job for answering my question.
You are a great help and i appreciate you so much! Xo
Members from Costco and BJ's can renew at the register or at the service desk, on line or have automatic deduction from checking account for the yearly renewal. The only reason I am familiar with this process is because I am a member at both businesses.
If it had been important to him, he would have told you what to do w/it. Evidently, he's not worried about it. File 13 is calling for that renewal notice. LOL!
Shocking news this morning..
Reflexion..
My BIL ( On my side of the family ) commited suicide yesterday.
This man was very successful, family man, very quiet and reserved. He was, how ever, not a happy man. We saw him as a good man but abit special in his ways but we accapted him as he was.
No one expected this from him. We are all in shock.
My ex-h is seen in the same way. Not a happy man.. never was..
Please, appreciate ALL OF YOUR BLESSINGS!!! life is tough but we have sooo much GOODNESS, KINDNESS, BEAUTY AND LOVE to GIVE AND RECEIVE.. DO NOT TAKE LIFE GOR GRANTED!!
Wow, so sorry to hear that.
(((exquisite)))
My sympathies to you and your family.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope that his family will be ok.
Thank you KML, Andrew and OwnIt for your words of sympathie. ((( )))
Update from last week..
Stormy weather and dangerous roads.
My BIL' s funeral was last Wedn.
Tuesday night, after work, i drove to Timmins to pick up my son and his gf.
Wedn. morning, i get everybody up.
My son was very anxious and quiet. His gf did not know what was going on with him.
There was heavy snow and lot of it. The roads were invisible and dangerous. As we drove to Matheson, son' s mood got worst. Very restless and agressive.
I stoped at a gas station where he went to the bathroom as i gased up. Once in the car, he comes in and SLAMS the door. I gave him a look of " come down".
I sat there, waiting.. looked at him and said calmly: put on your seatbelt.
He yanks it lock.. yank, yank, yank..
I yelled: don' t break the car.
He storms out. His gf cried: No, please stop him, don' t let him go..
I run out to stop him.
He yells: don' t touch me, let me go.
I insist.. ince again, he sais: don' t touch me ( as he pulls away )
I say calmly: what is wrong? What is going on Isaiah?
He sais: EVERYTHING!! I' m fed up. My life [censored].. i want to go to Quebec and i don' t want to, feeling like this. I don' t want you to not go because of me.
I' ve been feeling like this for awhile now. ( he was crying hard ).
I stood and listened. Once he calmed down, i said: we are going home. The road are crappy and will be even worst tonight. I am not risking it.
We get back in the car and i make the announcement to the others.: trip is cancelled. I don' t trust the roads.
As we are driving back,D17 starts crying.
All we hear in the car is sniffles and cries all the way home.
We finally get back.. I called my Sister' s cell and left a message to apologize and sending all our love.( They did not receive it.)
I go upstairs to Isaiah' s room and chat with him and his gf. They ate Timmins, their appart., he' s having a hard time un one of his class, he has no friends nor is he interested if having any from the peolle he has met, he is tired of being alone, not been able to go anywhere since he has lost his car, they feel trapped. Unable to move forward. I told them: it is only temperary. You guys are doing this to have a better quality of life. It is only a couple of years who will be hard in order to go further. It is good to set goals. It is also good to realise that if you make it month aftwr month, you are ok.. you guys cannot be to hard on yourselves. You are moving forward. It just seem slow but you are..
As for the apptm. : well, they might move in with me next summer in order to afford another car. Wich will push my relocating to next year. But i am ok with this. I was not comfortable leaving them behind.
Ok.. next: D17.. i go down stairs.D14 is on my bed and D17 in her room talking on the phone while still crying.
I asked D14 who D17 was talking to.. "Dad".
I hugged D14 and grabbed on to me really tight.. we stayed there hugging.. she finally pulled awaya bit, gave me a little smile and a kiss on the cheek.
I went back upstairs.
Phone calls: tons of messages from SIL worried about us.
A call from one of my Sister asking where we were. I said home. We turned around in Matheson.the roads are too dangerous. Everytime we meet, we are blinded and loss thd road.
She said we made the right decision.they were worried because there has been an accident and the roads were closed. They thought it was us since no ine had heard anythimg and could not reach me anywhere.
I had no reception on my cell.
Around 4pm, i had to hit the road ince again to bring son and gf back to Timmins. It was no longer snowing but the roads were still filled with heavy snow.
We encounter 3 more accident on our way there. I was driving 15 to 20km under the limit and so were everyone else.
Needless to say. That was a nervous wrdck of a day. Very emotionnal and stressful..
I am still refueling..
As for ex-h.. i thought i would have to deal with him to but he kept quiet. No contact with me.
D17 said her and D14 might go to his place this week- end to take there mind off things.. we' ll see soon enough if D14 will go as it is her birthday week- end. She wanted to spend it with her friends.. i am staying out of it..
That is it for now..
Oh... a special thought for AndrewP.. His holidays start tomorrow. He his a bit nervous about it.. why not pop in on his thread and wish him a wondefful trip and safe travel.i' m sure he would apprdciate it very much..
Oh wow... both Daughters just left. Ex- h picked them up.
First, D14.. I said: D17 is not taking her car? She answered no.
Then D17 comes up and sais: I hate it.. he is not letting me use my car. Me: He is not letting you use your car??? I smurked.. He has control.. If things do not feel right and you want to come back, call me.I' ll go pivk you up..
I can' t remember the last time i had a week- end to myself.. feels weird. A good weird. I think everyone need a break.
My condolences to you and your family on the loss of your BIL. You made the right decision to turn around because of weather and road conditions.
I am so sorry that your son is having a difficult time of things at the moment. It's good that he's able to vent and get these emotions out there and deal w/them.
I hope that the coming week will be a better one for all of you.
((((equisitetobe))))
Your children have given you a wonderful gift. Their trust. A gift you keep earning each and every day.
I wish that I did half as good.
And don't fuss about me - I'll be fine. I'm all growed up and everything
- but if I do run into an problem like running out of sun-screen I'll try to send you a set of plane tickets so you can help me too
Thank you so much Job for your kind words!
I do not regret my decision. My son has a hard time with "high emotions". Wonder where he gets it from??
To be there for others, no problem.. To keep ours in check; different story.
Andrew,
Lol.. i know you are fine. It was a friendly thought for you! It is always nice to know people think about us even if we are fine!
Have a wonderful trip!! Looking forward to your pictures. (( Andrew ))
I have said to many of you: Stay true to YOUR morals and values.
I know how some of you feel about labelling our ex's.. as i research and tried to understand what on earth was going on, and analysing ex's actions and my own over the years, i see borderline personality disorder in him and post traumatic stress disorder in me.
I know through my marriage, i enabled ex-h to take advantage of me. I know i have kept my mouth shout because i put blinders on for the sake of my children.
I know, a few years prior to bomb, i started talking as i had way to much weight put on me from his demand and i slowly started to say NO. I stood my ground and he was left having to step up which created him to resent and verbally abuse me.
At bomb, he was already in la-la-land. I had nothing more to lose since he had left. So i let it ALL out. Everything i knew, everything i saw in him, everything i felt and everything i saw as my truth.
We both cycled but i also came to the realisation that by doing so, i was becoming as abusive to him as he was to me. I pulled back and started the work on me FOR MYSELF AND FOR THE KIDS. He was battling alone and it infuriated him. Making him angry to the point of being borderline physically abusive. He used intimidation, blackmail, emotions, pity, blame, guilt ...
If i remember correctly, it was Beatrice on this site who had told me: "you already know you are reacting this way only with your ex. Your problem is not as big as you see it."
I never forgort those words. He could not change me and i could not change him. I was responsable of the person i would grow to become on my way out of this mess.
I took responsability for my outcome. I stopped participating and i set him free to do his own work.
Beatrice words also made me realise that , in my ex's story, he has angry outburst and very few meaningful relationships with everyone. He is seen as a very angry and miserable man. NOTHING AND NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH. Here and there, and for a short period of time, WE ARE THE BEST THERE IS.
Ex-h is aware of this and he calls himself mentally ill like his father( which he has never met but have heard of from family members)
Ex-h do love all of us.including me. He has no control on his emotions and he is afraid of what he might do to me on his outburst. ( and so am i ).
Deep down in my heart, i beleive ex-h left in order to offer me and the children a better life. All his OW are him going along on his ride.
He will not get help. He accept himself and his life this way no matter how miserable he is.
I wish i could send him some reading material on the subject but i am afraid to be pulled back in and put myself in harm's way.
Bpd for him caused ptsd for me.
All of this is a huge factor in me creating new relationship. Friends, no problem... intimate relationship.. unsurmontable amount of fears..
I feel like I am in an open marriage without my consent.
Like it or not.
More weirdness...
About 5 years ago,ex-h insisted buying winter tires for my First Durango. He payed for them and made the appointment for me. All i had to do was show up. I did.
Since then, i purchased another Durango which i traded in last year. ( i had hit a lemon ).
2 weeks ago, i purchased new tires for my current vehicule at the same store ex-h had bought the others.
Here is the weird part. My phone number is my accnt # in their files. When they punched it in, it came out as : my first name and the first letter of ex-h's last name. ( i never carried his name). The adress: our adress from 20 years ago. And to top it off, my phone number has been changed severale times since. How did they get it? Even the guy that served me could not make sense of it .
Update:
Ex-h called me last week. He asked permission to store a kitchen table and 4 chairs at my house. He is giving it to D17 for the appartement she will get this summer.(College)
He makes up excuses of safety hazard and lack of room at his house. I answer yes. He then tells me he will not bring it over until the end of March. (Hummmm... remember my previous plan was to list the house for sale in March? )
D17's rolled her eyes when i told her about the table. Maybe she doesn' t want it? I do not know.
He also talked about his diabetis. He is type2. Knowing ex-h like i do, in his mind, we all have or will have diabetis. He wants to bring us material to read and he asked if D17 had room in her bedroom for exercise equipment. He wants her to do 20 min./ day. He wants to bring exercise sheets to follow.
D17 has a classmate who has diatetis. He has a pump. Every year, they learned and refreshed their knowledge on the subject. She has alot of knowledge on the subject and every so often, they would test the whole class. The diabetic student had great support from his classmate.
Back to ex-h. If he goes through with his plan, end of March, i am losing my basement.
The worst part. Because he claims those things are for the kids, i feel like i can' t say no. Plus, i do not have a truck to move this table to D17's future appartm. This probably means ex-h will be back this summer to bring it to her once she moves.
Doesn' t he think about these things?
Your xh can't think but one step ahead...the present. He's not thinking about moving the furniture to your daughter's new place at all. Does your daughter even want the furniture? I would certainly look it over and if it's too scratched up or not in good shape...donate it to a charity and get it off your hands.
I think your xh is using any excuse to make it difficult for you to list the house. He's being too "kind" and "concerned" for his daughter. If he is being serious about all of this...then I'm glad...but I can't help but wonder what is he really up to.
Be on your toes when it comes to him.
Doesn't he think about these things?
Nope - he doesn't.
If you have a Durango you may well have a trailer hitch. You should be able to borrow / rent a trailer for the move. I have an open utility trailer if you felt like driving 20 hours for it
I'm sure you know someone closer who could assist. When I moved S23 home last summer I wrapped everything up with plastic vapour barrier sheeting (better than a tarp) and it survived heavy rains.
It's unfortunate in many ways that even though you are trying to build a life separate from him that he struggles to let you go. Your prior comment was an indication of that. As you know though, he's the central character in his story, the rest of you are all just bit players. So his health problems are everyone's health problems as just one example.
As a guy who is larger than the average bear, diabetes is something that I've always been concerned about with myself and my doctor keeps a close eye on me. My ex was convinced that "any day now" that I would succumb despite being much more overweight than I was, she would regularly brag about how healthy she was (she wasn't). I do believe that one of the things that worried her was my health and the idea that I would need care and tending or just drop dead one day on her.
I think it's in part what they call "projection" where they paint us with their own fears and phobias just like perhaps in the earlier years of the relationship they painted us with their hopes and dreams.
You are a capable, competent woman and can handle any challenge in front of you, especially with the support and love of your kids and your friends. Unfortunately until he's satisfied (and he may never be) that "another man is taking care of you", he'll probably keep circling and trying to help and fix things. I've been perhaps more fortunate than many in that my ex completely cut herself off from me and to a large degree the kids when she ran off. She certainly would have seen that I'm managing all of the practical things as well if not better than when she was here. I'll never know though.
Maybe you need a "Rob"
Google a you tube video under "discount car family reunion" for a chuckle.
Because they are for the kids you feel you can’t say no?
Yes, you can. If you already said yes, just let him know that you thought about it more and that you changed your mind and no, you cannot. You do not have to explain why you changed your mind.
Thank you Job, Andrew and Gordie for your response! I really appreciate it!
Job, i asked D17 today if her father approached the subject of the table and exercise equipment. He did and she said ok.
My face must have shown desappointment cause she asked "why?" in a concern way. I said "because i am the one who will be stuck with this after you leave. You accept it, you are responsable of it meaning you take it with you or you sell it. She answers: " imagine telling him i sold it to buy some Kentuky Fried Chicken. How p@ssed he would be.. we laughed and i told her not to tell him the last part evenif it is what she would do with the money.
I am 95% sure it is a set-up to keep me here.
Andrew, you made a valuable point when you said " having someone else take care of me".
Since i was a "staying at home mother and wife", ex-h took the role of taking care of us.(not in a parent-husband kind of way.Only making sure we had everything we needed to get the job done. Did i dare ask for his help. He would get angry and he would get away with it. (Everyone walking on eggshell).
Ex-h does not see me for who i am. He does not see me as independant. He is seeing the co-dependant woman he walked away from yet when i point out who i am and tge reality of my situation, he gets all confuse and goes right back in the tunnel.(hiding from me and using the children for info). A game i am very tired of.
Gordie, you are right. I do have a choice and i have adressed D17 about it. It is in her hands, not mind.
One sentence my "entourage" hear me say often is: "it is easy to have things when you do not have to take care of it."
Exemple: pets.. pool.. house.. car.. etc.
But when you neglect these things, they deteriorate, they crumble, they die...
This afternoon, after the talk with D17 and a visit to S19, i had the doormat feeling. Son's March break is this week. He announced to me that his plan for the week was spending a day at his father. Asking him for a ride here the following evening to sleep over and leave with my car in the morning to go visit his gf's parents. From there, he would meet us in North Bay the next day to visit D22. So we are now using 2 cars to go down. Kutching $$$$$$!!
Andrew , i do need a "Rob" lol.. thanks for the chuckle..
I no longer own a Durango. I sold my old one to my nephew and traded my new one for a Journey. I don' t have a hitch. Renting a cube van will be the plan or buying second hand in North Bay. D17 might be able to rent the appartment below D22. Which mean they would share the duplex. How amazing this would be. We will find out in a couple of month if the current students living there will keep the apprtm.for next year or not.
I hope they let it go.D17 is on top of the list according to D22 who has talked to her landlord about it. Fairly price. Good neibourhood and close to her sister.really close..lol
Here is another thing that annoyed the cr#p out of me prior to bomb. Instead of addressing eachother one in one, they would ask me (does daughter have practice tonight?, will dad come home this week-end?, etc..)
This was done while in the same room as the other person. Just ask them!! I don' t know? ( i did know but come on now..)
This is still going on.ex-h just texted D15 to know where D17 is. She said sge slept over at a fridnd and thdy will be working on project all day. Lie.
D15 then copy/paste the conversation and sent it to D17 so there story can match.
Why lie?? To keep the peace. D17 and 2 other friends are gone to North Bay to help a friend move back home. Ex-h would have lectured her and harassed her all day as checking up on her. This would go on ALL DAY. Yet, if something was to happened, he would not take actions. It would become: " i told you so. You should have listened go me. Why did you go and do that? "..
I carry so much anger and resentment for this man i loved with all my heart and gave 20 years of my life for. I never thought i could feel this way towards him. Maybe MY FOG has been lifted with this separation. Maybe my marriage was not as perfect as i saw it.
Another thing. Ex-h did not ask if D15 had plan. He did not ask anything about her.
Apparently last week, he texted D17 to see if D15 wanted to go this week-end. Never addressed D15. Why would D17 make the call or feel like she needs to answer this for her sister?
Chain of events that got me back in ER last night.
On Feb 28th, i got a call from son claiming they were screwed. His gf registered on line to a site claiming to consolidate all credit cards and student loans. She got scammed. Son had already transfered his share of the rent to her and did not know if his account was safe.he asked me for the full rent. I made him contact the bank to see the status of his account.
While he was doing this, i texted him: " i do not want to be mean but why do i have to cover the full amount? Should' nt her parents cover her share? "
He called back saying the transfer he made was still pending. I said "great. Can they cancel it?"
He said "they are working on it"
An hour later, he texted me saying he got his money back and they were now waiting on his gf's parent to see if they would come through. They were gonna send only 80.00.
My son got very upset and told them it should not be him nor me covering this.
They finally agreed to send her her half of the rent.
Son's march break is this week.
We haf plan a family trip for this week- end to visit D22.
How convinient, son's gf apparently hit her head in the fridge at work and also has the week off. ( something i noticed happens often to suddenly be injured to be off at the same time).
So son comes up with the idea of going to spend a couple of days with his father, have him drive them here where they would spend the night, borrow D17s car, leave a day early to go see gf's parents in Sudbury and meet us in North Bay on saturday.
$$$$$$$$ ???????
Who will be short of cash next month?
Who will they come asking for it??
I texted in the family group "sorry, i can't go. I am getting cut another $500.00/month in May."
Son: what about us?
Me: take the car
Son: which one?
Me:mine
Son: ok thanks! I thought i would spend my March break sitting on my a**..
Wowwww..
Wedn, after having a coffee with a friend, i come home and see by the door, 2 pairs of snowshoes. I walk in and get hit with the smell of cats and dogs urine and crap. Floor his filty, dirty. I grab the mop and start washing the floor.
Son comes down. Son: "hi"
Me: "hi"
Son: so, do you have plans yourself for the week-end?
Me:" no"
Son: ok. We were gonna go back to Timmins tonight, drive to Sudbury thursday, go to North Bay friday and come back here Saturday night so you could drive us back sunday.
Me "speechless"
He goes back upstairs.
I am hurt, angry, speechless. I grab my set of keys, walk upstairs and BAM face to face with ex-h' s table and chairs. I am already blown away, all i can do is walk to the living room, drop my keys on Son's lap and say" i am going to bed".
Son's come down.
Son: are you ok? You seem upset
Me: yes, i am upset. My future does'nt look to bright here. Do you realise that if i get ill, i am screwed?
Son: don't worry about it mom.the way you raised us, we will take care of you.
Inside my head, a big YEAH RIGHT!! Just i you do now?
I kissed him goodnight and went to bed baffled. They took my car and left.
D17 felt like she needed to give me her car. I said no.i could have said no. I can walk. She said no. If you take it in the early morning and come and get us for school, i can drop you back off at work. And if you take your lunch at 11h30 instead of 11h0p, i can give you a ride. If you wait 10 min. after work, i will be there. She was also baffled by Son's plans.
Yesterday, all day, my anxiety was off the chart. Ok, not ok, ok, not ok, ok, not ok
Crying on and off with my chest as thight as could be and shaking beyound my control.
Finally, right after supper, i went to emerg.
Luckily for me, minto councelling had someone in for their hot-line. They called her in. Another luck: it was the same lady that helped me a few years back. I got a session dight there and then.i caught her up with my story. Her reaction reassured me that i was'nt off with my feelings. She asked me permission to adress my doctor prior to him coming in. I said: "of course. I want to adress the root of it. I want to get raid of the resentment, the anger and move on with my life"
She said:" the inly reason you haven't move on is because it is up in your face constantly.
I cried and cried and cried.
I said: i feel pathetic. It is life. I should be able to handle this.
A few minutes later, the doctor( lady )comes in:
The therapist gave me an over view of what your life has been over the last 9 years. You are dealing with a very particular man here.
I did not know what to say. She looked straight into my eyes and sayed: don' t worry, I KNOW HIS TYPE!! My guard went down a bit. She said, your request for therapy has been approved and is also a good idea.
The anxiety med you have been on before is also a good idea. I will also renew your "take when needed" anxiety pills. I will provide both to you tonight so that you can sleep. If you need to come back again, come straight here. You'll need an follow up appointment with your family doctor within the next 2 weeks. Might be hard to get. If you cannot book one, ( secret ) he will be the physician in ER next week-end. Around 1pm would be a good time to ahh?? Show up
I smiled. Thank them. They gave me the prescription, my 2 pills for the night and was free to go. Got out at 1015pm. To my surprised, both Daughters were sitting there, waiting for me. It touched my heart. I thought they would have taken the car and drove around until i texted them.
You guessed it, i cried some more. But this one was a loving, caring, grateful cry.
Today, i go downstairs to talk to D17.i open her door and BAM eleptycal machine. She says:"look, he invaded my privacy. I wasn't even here. I came in and entered my room without my knowledge nor permission"
Me: i wanted to ask if you were here when they came. I felt the same way you do when i came in.. woww
So there you have it.. no one was home and no one knew they were coming wedn.
Both Son and ex-h just walked right in and made themselves at home. Son, fine..ex-h??? Wtf??
Surprise for "moi"
Son came back last night. He said he felt like it was not right to leave me stuck at home without my car. Plus he wanted family time so he us sraying here until sunday.
I asked if he made his way to D22.he said no. I asked if he would like to go down. He said yes
I had already messaged D22 to see if it would be ok to visit and right away, she said YESSS!!
We will go to North Bay on a budget. No fancy restaurant nor 2-3 meals out. It will be one simple grocery shopping and family eat-in.
((exquisitetobe)) - You've got good kids. Thoughtless like all children are and they take you for granted like most children but they do care about you and love you.
When I read your post last night I'd thought of suggesting you call my S23 and have him make up the spare room for you to have a mini-vacation
They can be taught. S23 and I have a very different relationship than you and your kids - in part because I'm Dad and not Mom so he doesn't take advantage of me in the same way. There are small things. I neatly fold my hand towel in the bathroom (you're not surprised are you). After about 2 months S23 now does that for his too (mostly). A few days ago I was looking for something in the kitchen and yep - it was in S23's room. His excuse though was that he knew that I liked a clean counter so he stored the stuff he used for a late night meal in his room so that the counter would be clean. Seemed logical to him I suppose.
I'm glad you've sought professional help with your stress and anxiety. It's a wise and strong person who knows when to ask for help. It seems like your kids are learning that Mom struggles some times and that it is indeed a different world than when they had 2 parents and different income resources available to them.
Be kind to yourself. You're the only you that you've got.
Thank you Andrew!!
Well, 2 anxiety prescriptions. I will be contacted within the next 2 weeks for ic. I will have a follow up with my doctor on the 19th.
I do have good kids. Only me and D17 went to visit D22. My son and his gf stayed behind to care for D15 who got a 24hre stomach flu.
It is unlike me to have the group split but they insisted for my good.
No need to say: ex-h knew everything. Texted son all evening inquiring about D15 and also texted D17 to keep track of our trip.
Good news for D17 (and me), she is getting the appartment under D22. They will be sharing the duplex!!
Yesterday, i had my appointment with my doctor. Results: anxiety meds for the next 6 months.
Today, i had my first IC. Ex-h's line of work seem to be link to his behavior. Very common it seem.
My therapist is an ex wife of a prison guard and relates to my story in many ways.
My anxiety is always triggered by a tie to ex-h. My goal in this therapy sessions is to let go of the anger, change myself so that i react to him in a calmer,(uncaring)manner. Stop over-thinking and/or, if undoable in certain situation, have a plan (constructive).
I have some reading to do, some reflexion to make and some situations to analyze and break down on paper.
Let's the work begin..
Exquisite,
I hope the meds help. They help some. They do not help others. Be mindful and be your own advocate if you need to try different meds.
Re your IC. That sounds awesome. Sounds like she is a good fit and will be helpful to you.
I ma glad to hear you are getting help. Working towards not having your exH being the catalyst to your emotions will bring you so much peace.
Hi Exquisite, I'm glad to read that you are seeking support and that sounds like a useful appointment with your therapist and some good insight.
My guess is that your ex may continue to behave in the same 'triggering' way - unless he chooses to do some introspection - but that's up to him and out of your control.
But how you choose to respond to that - whether or not you are interested, bothered or triggered - that's truly within your gift. And I agree with Ginger's wise statement too.
Best of luck with everything - it sounds like you are on a good path xx
Good path? Not so much.
I feel like running again.i feel like a f*ck up.
Group exchange:2 weeks ago...
D22: Hey ! Just giving you guys a heads up, dad expressed intrest in coming to my grad too.
Me: figure.
Exchange from yesterday:
D22: Hey ! Whats the plan for grad? Are you guys still coming ?
Me: Me, D15 and D18 are. Is your dad hanging out afterwords? Is he staying at your place?
If not, can we go down Thursday night?
Otherwise, we' ll leave here early friday morning.
(Her grad is at 9h30 am and we live 4 hours away)
D22:
Dad got a hotel room downtown for tomorrow night, i think he just wants to get lunch afterwards on friday
You guys can come down tomorrow and stay the night, dad is gonna swing by for a quick hi between 8 and 9 before going to the hotel
Me: is OW going?
D22: pretty sure
Me:
Ok.. i' ll step aside...
We' ll celebrate it on our own time..
D22: stepping aside as in?
Me: Not going.. LESS STRESS ON EVERYONE AND NO DRAMA.
D22: You guys dont need to talk or even see eachother though the gym is massive
Me: Trust me.. he' ll look for me.. he' ll use the girls as an excuse. I know how he works.
It' s a piss off to have been the one who made the necessary dedication to get you where you are ( with your hard work of course ) and have him show up for the glory of our work. But no one but me has a problem with this. He is your father and she is a " step mom" . They have the right to be there.
I am very VERY PROUD of you. Not going will not change that.
When he is alone, he his nice and kind. When he is with her, he his a jerk and often attacks me. I am not putting myself in the line of fire.. i' m sorry..
D22: All im saying is this is a big day, theres a lot more lifetime events where all 4 of us would like you guys to be there (other grads, weddings, etc). Eventually you guys are going to need to be in the same location at the same time
Its okay if you guys cant deal with eachother right now but i hope that by thr time other events come up that you guys will make an active effort.
I gave dad a similar speech earlier today too dont worry lol
If you're still set on not coming its okay, i understand that you're just avoiding drama and still need time for yourself and heal the anxiety that he brings, ill make sure to send lots of pictures throughout the grad and get trev to send you some too (maybe even a video if he can get close enough with his phone lol) when i get the diploma
Me: thanks.
D22: you're welcome ♥
S19: All i know is kim wont be at mine, she hasent done [censored] all for us and hasen't /never will play an important role in our lifes, in my opinion she has no right to attend Family matters because she isint part of it, Dad sure because he's our father but she has no value to our lifes, only his. If she wants to congradulate us send us a card or a text, dont try to pass yourself off as family it pisses me off, we are not her kids, and she hasent done anything to put us where we are today, so why congradulate us/ act proud when shes had no role in any of this, [censored] pisses me off, if mom would have a boy friend my opinion would be the same. Its not fair to mom what dad is doing because hes trying to pass her off as family . when she isint and he needs to get that threw his head, he left his family thats final.
Thats my opinion of the situation
Me: thank you S19
S19: ♥
Me: Isaiah gets how i feel..
If Kim is welcome in MY family, does that mean Lyne and her kid should be to? How about cop lady her boyfriend and her kid to? How about Christine? Anjie? The crazy cop that threaten to hurt us if he left her?? Oh and Anna ( kara's mom) ?
Kim is who your father chose as a new family. She isn' t part of MINE!
A have STRONG family values. I have never stopped him from being a father to you guys. I even fought for him to stand up in his role. Not to be a husband to me but to be a father to you. Kim or any other gf for that matter will never be a family if mine.
I pray to God that none of you guys will have to go throu this.
Forgot my point.. they are his ex' s .. and so am i. But as long as i live, I AM YOUR MOM unless YOU trade me in for whoever he is with. Like he did
S19: Only because i feel the same way and out of everyone i lived and exprienced both sides of the aftermath.
Family,siblings and birth parents are irreplaceable they are the ones who put up with us and raised us to become who we are today nobody else and no one can change or replace that. When he wants to be part of our life he needs to put his asside and play the father role. Considering its been a while since any of us have been there idk if he understands that yet, we have no intrest in meeting her side because thats his new life and family not ours. It would piss me off so much like the one time 2 years ago i threw a fit because he forced me faith and sarah to go out to kap for a supper with her side. Its not our place to be whatsoever, never will be
D22: You guys missed my point.. all of my messages have nothing to do with bringing Kim into our family - you guys went waaayy into it- I get how all of you guys are feeling, he did leave us, he [censored] up, his exs are phsyco, it wasnt till I moved out that he actually stepped up his game to make it up to me and actually be more present a father - but me saying "one day you guys are gonna need to be at the same place at the same time" was all about just having our PARENTS aka mom and dad to just be present for other once in a lifetime events
S19: Mom straight up said dad isint the issue and hes fine when hes alone, kim shouldnt be at the grad thats why mom isint going, i told him not to bring her at my 12 grade grad and everything went fine
D22:Regardless, thats not an excuse to full blow attack me, making assumptions of me trying to include her in the family etc. Etc. And taking my words our of context over your feelings - you guys felt attack and instead of just questioning what i meant and just talking about emptions in turned to a war where everyone got pissed and hurt yestersay
S19
When did we say this was against you. Our point is she is not family therefor she should not be attending family matters.
D22: I get that but you guys still managed to piss me off and make me feel attacked , its my grad and i wanted both mom and dad to be present - end of discussion
im ditching my phone for the day
I said what i wanted to say.
D19 cried all afternoon. I told her to take my truck and she could go. She answered she would not do that.
I said: you could drive to D22 and your father would drive you from there. She said no.
As i am writing this, a text from D19 just came in.
Here it is: I'm going to Kate's grad... I got dad to pick me up at the
Sorry... here it is:
I'm going to Kate's grad... I got dad to pick me up at the school because I know that it's not okay for Kim to be there, I'm going for kate, not to spend time with them, and I've talked to kate all night and all morning she is upset and hurt and I'm going there to support her. If I could've I wouldn't of came with dad because you and i both know that I avoid seeing him but I also didn't wanna take your car because I don't want you being alone all weekend and I'm also not insured. I love you
D22 crashed her car to a couple of months ago.
Contractions on my iPhone got the best of me.
I will keep it short . The only people who lose if you do not go to your daughters graduation are you and your daughter.
If I missed milestones in my daughters life because OW was there, I would miss every single one from preschool graduation.
Stop letting them win.
I urge you to go and hold your head up high. You are her mother. And from the exchange you posted, what amazing mature children who worry about and love their mom.
I vote for going too. You're giving them too much power. Your daughter just wants her parents at her graduation - and she has a good point, there WILL be other events in the future.
If you so desire, just text your ex and tell him to stay away from you at the graduation. But go - for your daughter's sake.
(BTW - just went to my son's graduation. Made an excuse so that my mom and I weren't available to join them for dinner after. Didn't sit with ex but did have to see him and his wife briefly before and after. His wife was not an affair partner so a little easier for me to take. I'm over the divorce, just mad at my ex for how he's treated our adult children. You can do this.)
(((exquisitetobe)))
Reading the messages between you and your kids highlight again how great they are and how much they love and admire you.
I think that those of us who were not the victims of an overtly abusive relationship like you were can imagine what you are feeling right now. 1 know that I certainly can't.
What I can say though is that your kids will continue to love you no matter what choice you make.
Your daughter wants you to be there for a special day. One that will happen only once. If I remember correctly there are other more special days coming. A wedding I believe? That you know you must face. Perhaps if you can make yourself strong enough to climb this trail, the next one will be easier. You won't be facing either of them alone. Perhaps you can ask your children to hold YOUR hand as you face this.
(((e))))
I could not do it. I flew
It escaladed and i became irrational.
Me: HOW HARD IS IT TO TELL HIM : i want you and mom there. Could you please leave kim behind..
Nope.. it' s not right but hey??
Everyone is hurt and fighting. It is a VERY SPECIAL DAY.. For me as much as for you.
I am sick of sacrificing just to be disregarded.
D22How hard is it to just show up and be there with your daughter ? Kinda goes both ways here... if anything I'm feeling pretty disregarded at this point 😢
Me:Well this is the only way i can think of to make it all stop for everyone.
Make it right.. 1 family, 1 right, a mom and dad,1 last cry. Peace on everyone.
He has everything to spoil you rotten. You said yourself that he has finally become a father.
All of you will be ok.
I love you all!
End of drama.
All of you will receive your money next week.
As if tonight, your father is in charge.
I bagged my clothes, shoes, personnal items and took off crying.
D22 begged me to pick up my phone.
She said she had been crying none stop for the past hour.( and so was i)
I drove in a back road and answered. She begged me not to do this. Said none of them could live without me. That i am what keeps them together as a unit.
I told her that i want all of this to stop. D15 does not talk to me because i desaprove of her boyfriend. You guys are fighting, i cant deal with anything in relation to your dad. I don' t want to do this but it seem to be the only way.
She said no.it is nit the i only way.you need help. You need to go back on your meds and get help. Don' t do anything stupid. We need you, we love you.
More crying..
Me: ok, i won' t run.i' ll go back home. I love guys more than anything.
D22 i love you to mom..
I got home.. took an anxiety pill and went to bed.
This morning, i got a text from D15 : mom, i am at school.i told dad not to turn around. I did not want to miss reviews for exams.
No one told me she was left behind. She did not sleep here last night.
I should be on top of this. I should have inquired where she was. I really thought she was with ex-h.
Anyway.. everyone is accounted for.
D15 is home with me.
S19 wants us to hang out this week-end.
D22 took a week off work to come down.
D18 is with ex-h at D22.
We all need eachother.
I am drained, numb but ok
Food for thought directed to me..
When i look at my boss's wife, many see her as a weak women always over dramatic using loads of meds.
She suffers with "fybromaligia" ( my spelling is probably wrong), her father is becoming irrational and started abusing her mother.she took her mom in and her father turned on her.she is dealing with 40plus employees pissed off because of the minimum wage that went up but for the others who have been there for years got zip. Tension all around her. I see her as a hero. I don' t know how she does it. I am not surprised to see her on meds. She is not weak, she needs them to cope with it all.
I should not feel weak. I am not a super woman. I just have alot to deal with.
RESTORED POSTING FOR COLY
Hi Exquisitetobe
Just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through a rough time. I understsnd how you feel. The fact that xh is still pushing your buttons and can't do the recent thing by leaving his partner out makes my blood boil!
Maybe in the future this might be something you can accept but at the moment it still seems so raw for you so to pretend you are happy with it will be very hard.
I hope something can be sorted out so you do not miss your D’s special day otherwise it will be you and D who will hurt the most.
(((Hugs)))
I am so very sorry that you are going through a rough patch. It is difficult dealing w/your xh and having the additional anxiety of where and what your children are doing. Try to step back a bit and just breathe! You need some time to yourself to recharge your batteries. I hope that you will be feeling better soon.
You know how to contact me if you want to chat.
Thank you!!
Ex-h always has 2 sides. I do not trust him.
When son lived with his dad, es-h told him thst kim was not there to replace me on many occasion.
When son was hospitalized for his heart, they were suppose to call his mom. To son' s surprise, kim showed up. He was angry..
The following week, i get a call from ex-h thanking me for not repla ing him.. ????
And that is what it took to realise the effect of this?? And yes, it was short lived.
D22 and D18 have arrived.
D22 said she praticly did not see ex-h. They had a ceremony, had a quick bite to eat, short visit and left. Eventho he was in North Bay, D22 was not included in his outings.
The girls were desappointed. D19 (she is a heavy girl) said he fed her vegetables only and would not allow her fruits because of the sugar contents. 3 trays of veggies were her meals.
I don' t get it..
Why do they put up with such treatment? It is constant. They subject themselves to his arrogance and self-esteem destruction then complain to me about it.
I was a silent listener while both of them were letting their frustrations out. I then changed the subject by telling them S19 wants to go to Quebec and visit my mother tomorrow. All 5 of us.
They agreed. Road trip coming up as a family.
I did have a surprise from D22. She brought her diploma and her grad dress so we can take pictures together!!
♥
Exquisite Andrew asked me to check in on you as he was concerned about you.
I don't venture often into crazy loco part of the board as largely I don't believe in MLC (aS it's not in the DSM). However I do believe in abuse and jerk wad entitled wassocks.
Like V you appear to operate from fear and created anxiety and you have the added complexity of children.
I want to read your threads and have a few tricks up my sleeve with regards to meeting dingbat so you don't have to miss key events. I will share those with you.
It won't be until Thursday, but I have read that the meet event that was part of the anxiety is over for now? It would be good to build to a point where you don't miss any more if you want to go. If that's what you would like? I can share some things I have learned. Bear with me whilst I complete my exams.
I will not be offended if you say "no V".
Have you read the abuse thread?
V
Thank you V and Andrew!! ((( )))
V, i have not read the thread but am interested in reading it if it also have ways to cope and help.
exquisite - I believe this is the thread that Lady V was mentioning.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2583679&page=1I hope you are able to get some sunshine therapy today. It's a gorgeous day here in the brown south and I hope up there too. I'm just about to head out for my usual Sunday walk and bowl of soup.
thank you Andrew!
Today was very special. Me, my 4 children, one of my sisters and my mother together. Magical on the soul!
D22 and S19 did not mention anything about their fight. They hugged, they laughed, they enjoyed eachother's companie.
Troughout the day, we shared mischievious memories from the past and it was fun.
Andrew and V, thank you for your support. The link you gave me is priorities on my list of homework.
I need to knock this out the ball park.i need Strenght and confidence!
I was able to set my boundaries one by one with him, this reaction of mine needs to be treated as a boundary. I can do this!
There are lots of things you can do Exquisite. I want to support you properly and I know we can meet this challenge.
V
Lovely lady I have read through all your threads. Not too tough as your posts are mainly short and not so sweet.
I think you are suffering from cPTSD. It's common in those who have been seriously abused. I am not a doctor but do have experience in abuse counselling.
My first thought is that the trauma needs treatment as well as the anxiety attacks that go with it. It is your mind protecting you and it serves a purpose. Being NC with your abuser is important and I suspect that the avoidant behaviour is to stop and relieve the Trauma.
The trauma goes deeper than this R with the abuser, it likely has it origins in childhood. Have you had or are you having IC?
Are you in an abused women's program in real life? Have you looked at any online resources to help?
You could try the Freedom program which is available online.
I read a great deal of my sitch in yours. So I walk the talk.
It's going to be ok.
V
Thank you so much V !!!!
D22 is here for the week so my time on line is limited. I am almost done reading your thread. I definitely want to take part in the freedom program.
I will post my progress and thoughts here for others to follow..
Good.
There are a few things that I want to say to you and a few things that are hard to hear.
Firstly there are those disorders and abuses which are situational and there are those which are reactive and finally those which derive from personality.
I can broadly accept that the first of these could be in parlance called MLC and may resolve, the second temporary and will reverse and finally those born of destructive personalities which will never ever resolve but will get WORSE.
The most telling thing to me is your description of your WH unmasking. You saw it, it scared you and then you and your unconscious mind said that doesn't fit.
It does.
Your thoughts are valuable, precious drops. This is your wisdom.
My choice is to say here have this knowledge for free, and convert it into your own wisdom.
Know this, the more you set your boundaries and enforce them, the more a systemic personality driven abuser will abuse. The situational abuser will give up and the reactive will wake up. The personality driven will strangle hold more, it will get WORSE. That's how you know.
Are you prepared to open your eyes and heart to that knowledge? It isn't easy to know. Or easy to accept.
It's a hard road ahead or you can chose to not know, for once you know then you can never unknown.
You will need to lose your dream of MLC resolving, you will have to take the red pill.
V
I have so much to learn.
Me: I want nothing to do with him.
No interest in having him around.
Since this is impossible, i want him to behave in a " role model " aroung our children. ( not happening and very frustrating ).
My rose colored glasses broke awhile ago. Mlc?? Not sure. He was always controling and once he left, i did not know who I was nor what I truely wanted. I was a shadow of a woman. I needed to work on myself; rediscover a lost personality and love this woman.(me)
I did this. I know who i am. I know who i want to be surrounded with and i am very judgemental on the people i meet. If my judgement is good, i will let them in. If it is not, my wall stay up.
What is the red pill?
There is nothing you can do about him around your children.
Sadly it's whistling into the wind. You can carry on being frustrated by it or you can leave it alone. Know that your children are wise enough to know him as he is. Truly nasty.
Learning to love yourself again is a very hard path. It really is a difficult path to follow. So thumbs up to you.
Trauma has a deleterious effect on the sense of self, leading us to question who we are. As you no longer want WH in your life, what is it that sends you into a panic trauma state when you know you might see him? Can you write the process? At what stage does it happen?
Where in your body is that trauma?
V
The red pill concept is from the Matrix film. It is a process of awakening from trauma.
V
It is the unknown, the unpredictable.
A copy/paste of your link:
the reward or punishment has been applied irregularly, then a second condition has been created where, upon receiving the stimulus, the person forecasts and imagines the reward or punishment being applied.
Obviously, ex-h knows he has go be calm in order to have contact with me but his temper or reactions are not always good. When his voice escalate, i shut him out. ( my boundary ). His reaction get worst, he goes mad, hits, scream, try to break doors etc..
Then, he apologizes to the kids by saying he does not control his anger around me. ( making me the reason of his abuse ).
To me, no apologies. A simple: i snapped..
Well what if he loses it to the point of shooting me? Then what? I made him do it? He had no control?
I fear him... i do not trust him and i am hyper-vigilent when it comes to him. Just hearing his name from the kids shuts me down.
The more they talk about him, the more i boil inside.
My anxiety is in my chest. Huge knots with a string getting thight towards my heart.
To calm down, i take an anxiety pill or i step out to cry. If i can' t calm myself, i go to emerg.
Exquisite
This is about CONTROL for WH. And yes you have been conditioned to respond with anxiety. It's referred to as a trauma bond.
If you set your boundary then he will escalate. And he does so to recreate that trauma bond.
I know it is frightening because that is how it is. I had this too. And these terrifying monsters won't apologise, because that is a further loss of control.
I know why you are anxious and afraid, it is because there is something to be anxious and afraid of. A non mol or OOP will not stop these guys, sometimes even prison won't.
So I get it, I also understand why you have meds and why you stay away. I think you are right to do so.
The anxiety is in your chest. Do you have shortness of breath?
Is the feeling heavy? Do you get headaches? Or do you get light headed?
Is the sensation sharp or dull?
When you talk about boiling, do you feel hot? What colour is the sensation? Is it liquid or solid?
Does it ever move to your limbs or does it stay in your chest?
V
The trauma bond is worse when it is intermittent and patterned. It creates an anticipatory response, like a negative Pavlovian experience.
What I have had to learn to do is to control those aspects of my anxiety that I can control and accept the others. It took time but largely nowadays I can bring this to a capable level.
That is why I ask about your experience physiologically so we can explore if there are elements we can find ways of managing.
V
I' ll describe it from beginning to end..
I get the news from the children of him being on his way.( always last minutes). I used to leave prior to him getting here..Now, we know he will come but do not know when until he is here.
My sense of alert kicks in. Blood start racing and nerves start shaking. I can calm the shaking but i can not losen the fist in my chest. If i feel threaten, my adrenaline hits record high. Boundaries and protecting myself become my priority.. full alert.
Once he drives away, i crash.. numb, drained, zero energy. Complete shout down. In need of a long resting period to refuel my energy, my concentration, my decision process..
I had 3 anxiety attack were i had to be hospitalized at bomb..(years ago). With those, i had shortness of breath, fainting feelings, heart pumping out of my chest.
I had 3 hospitalisation from anxiety attact years ago.(bomb)
When they happened, i had shortness of breath, the fist in my stomach, the very sharp link to my heart. Heart beating 100 miles/hre trying to get out of my body, faiting sensation from lack of oxygen.. emergency treatment and heart monitoring was the procedure i received.. ic and anxiety meds..
By setting my boundaries (for me)
It is still very hard but it is also better than then..
OK we have an extreme adrenalin reaction with a long cortisol tail. Creating a severe physiological panic attack.
Not surprised.
Does he know this happens?
Are you able to stop his visits completely?
V
Does he knows? I don' t know. If he does, it would by the children.
Can i stop him from cominv here?
No because of the children still living here. I must say that he does not come often anymore. S19 and D18 had cars so they had no need for a ride if they wa ted to see him. However, last month, both girls agreed to spend the week-end with him. He then forbide D18 go use her car. He came and got them.
We knew it would be pass 8h00 since D15 was working till then so i was not home. D18 texted me once they had left town.
When he brings them back, the children text me when they get in the car and keeps me posted of their where abouts until they are home.
This is why he does not tell us when he will be here. For the last few months, he seem to find excuses to make contact and reasons to come to the house. Unfortunately for him, i am not home when it happens.
I beleive he is trying to reconnect but he is failing. He is still the same old bd man just a little nicer SOMETIMES. As long as everyone does as he says.
exquisitetobe - Just to chime in here if you don't mind - as a note from other things we've chatted about. Since he's a cop, he's used to being "the authority". I remember suggesting to you that you consider a restraining order of some sort and you being (probably rightly) convinced that it would only escalate things and he would walk right through it.
As far as him trying to reconnect - you've not seen any signs of him changing. Just that his new shiny life hasn't worked out. He can add a veneer but most people never change. They just become more like what they really are. But they are still shiny enough to people who don't know what is behind the mask.
Just my 2 cents.
You are absolutely right Andrew.
I know he hasn't changed
D22's grad: him, OW and D18 showed up for the ceremony. They grabbed a bite to eat at the University buffet then left for the hotel where him and OW started drinking.
The next morning, D22 waited for them until 11h00am. She thought they were going to have breakfast together and maybe do something in the morning.. nope
They picked her up at 11h00 and drove both girls here.
She did not get to see him while in North Bay.
Now that she was here for the week, he asked repeatadly to see her. She had plans. ( she was upset with him.. her words:he could have spent a whole week-end with me before coming back. He chose not to and so am i)
He did not get to see her while she was here.
Your children aren't children. Apart from D15 who is almost adult status.
They don't need picking up and dropping off. It's a control excuse. Be careful of it, these are adults with their own freewill. For your own sake let go of knowing anything about their R with their father.
What your ex is doing with the nice is preparing the ground for further trauma bond abuse. So in actual fact it's the nasty.
V
I agree w/Vanilla 100%. He doesn't need to pick them up. If they drive, then they can drive themselves to meet up w/him. There is really no need for him to come to your home. You can always meet him halfway or somewhere safe to drop your D15 off to visit w/this man. The less he is in your "safe" environment, the better.
Thank you V and Job!
Today is another Grad. This time, for D18. This one is here in my town and i feel safe. All of those students have been in my class back when i was working at the Elementory school. The parents know us and our story. I am going with only a bit of nervousness. Will ex-h be there? I don' t know. I did not asked and here, i don' t care.
If he is, i will make sure to never be alone and i' ll keep him away.
As for the subject of rides to visit him: unfortunately, D18 was in a car accident and her car was also totalled. Both of my children (S20 and D18) are now walking. They both chose not to purchase another just yet. They want to keep their money from the insurance and put it towards their education.
They miss their cars but they do not miss the monthly financial headache that came with it.
Since D18' s accident, no visitation took place.
And from what you've written in the past exquisitetobe - I believe you've implied that he would just ignore any rules or guidelines that you would try to impose on him whenever and however he would feel like it.
True..
I remember telling a friend of mine years ago.. " if he comes after me, whatever happens, happens but i WILL LIVE my life. "
Lately, i haven' t. I lived in fear. I give him wayyyy too much head space.
I want to concentrate on D18' s move to College. I want to work towards my goal of relocating and i want a happy, peaceful life. I am making progress..
Since D18' s accident, no visitation took place.
Brilliant
V
True..
I remember telling a friend of mine years ago.. " if he comes after me, whatever happens, happens but i WILL LIVE my life. "
Lately, i haven' t. I lived in fear. I give him wayyyy too much head space.
I want to concentrate on D18' s move to College. I want to work towards my goal of relocating and i want a happy, peaceful life. I am making progress..
You will get tons of help, support and encouragement along the way.
Waves banner of support wildly.
V
Grad is over.. was ex-h there?
My gut feeling said yes when D18 received a bursary and instead of turning toward me for a picture, she looked to the left.
D15' s reaction was to look for him. She did not see him.
I was still at ease. After the ceremony, D15 went to the bathroom and i went to the car to bring gifts.. when i walked back in, there he was with the girls.
I started shaking but fortunately for me, other parents and grand-parents were stopping to talk to me which kept me separated from him in a way.
I received her pictures from her teacher in the hall. Ex-h took this opportunity to adress me:
Ex-h: "Beautiful pictures. How much did this cost?"
Me: "$191.00". I like both so i purchased 2 packages."
I gave him an 8x10 of each picture and made my way inside the cafeteria.
I tried to stay away. D18 was shaking, D15 was uncomfortable and i felt like leaving. After a short while,Ex-h decided to leave. He could see the ackwardness in all of us.
Ince he was gone, everybody was talkative and mingleing!
I made it through
Superb, well done.
So so proud of you, not my place but I am. I know how tough that was.
V
I am so proud of you. You made it through and btw, the photos out on FB are beautiful.
New Thread:
Final chapter... part 3