I thought I'd start a new thread since the old was was pretty much full. Nothing much to read unless you're playing along on the home game. Just some of the usual long rambley stuff. It's pretty quiet here.
Prior thread - Verse 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2768482&page=1I'm getting the feeling that this story is coming to a close soon. S23 told me today that his mother will be coming by later next week for the last of her stuff. I think that the process of his parents splitting is a black box to him that he doesn't understand. I don't try to enlighten him much beyond saying "I've got to do lawyer stuff" when I go off for that or letting him know that the insurance policies will be changing and that I'll give him the details later. He's giving me some hassles about us needing to toss some stuff that he feels isn't needed any more. He is confused I think with my comments that I don't want to dispose of anything until the final walk-through by his mother is done. There are a few things that will be going - some old furniture etc but it might wait until spring when I can put it on the side of the road with a free sign on it. Easier than taking it to the landfill and certainly cheaper.
Tomorrow is American Thanksgiving. There's no indication that D25 in Virginia will be getting a visit from her mother. This will mark 2 full years since she's seen her. Just like with so many things here - I really just don't understand. I could go into a long analysis but it really doesn't matter. Add to that the fact that I really truly don't know what is going on as well.
As far as STBX goes, there's been no direct interaction since the last lawyer meeting. She did electronically pick up her first spousal payment shortly after she dropped off S23 last Wednesday which based on the timing implies that she is living in her apartment in the next village over and not with OM. From those who are watching her social media for me there isn't any real indication of anything, nor anything through the village grape-vine. I made sure to record both the details of the payment and her acceptance of it. I think I can safely presume that things are going to proceed according to plan at this point with the divorce then being filed some time in December. I'm still going to "keep my powder dry" though just in case things fall off the rails. I've read too many stories of that happening to not be careful myself.
I do wonder from time to time if she and her guy are indeed still a thing. One thing I've read a lot of especially in the case of a "wayward woman" is that the person that they first run off with often isn't the person that they end up with. She still hasn't been open in any way that I could have heard of about him. In this area though she would have a hard time finding someone nearly as "qualified" to give her the life she would like as the guy she has been seeing. As startling as this would be to the AndrewP of November 2016, I have no interest in being her Plan B. I've actually had a number of disturbing dreams on the subject in recent weeks. After 2 years without any sort of commitment her dreams of a Fairy Princess Land may well be dust. There is no way for me to know for sure and it doesn't affect me once the agreement is signed.
I had an interesting interaction with "Twenty Something" earlier today. I got a Snapchat from her after I posted one about cleaning my tea-pots at lunch (yes I'm that exciting) where she was complaining about money problems. I expressed some sympathy and joked that she perhaps needed to quickly marry and then divorce a middle-aged man with money. I also made some comments about having been in a similar tight money position in the past and sympathizing on how hard it was. I didn't offer to loan her money which perhaps was her hope. She didn't ask either.
This sort of leads in to a conversation I had with a good friend over dinner last night. We were talking about things I need to avoid if/when I start dating. He agreed that people who need rescuing are on that list.
When I picked up the mail I had an odd conversation with one of the owners of the shop / one of STBX's bosses. She was looking for some computerish type help and I had assisted in the past in exchange for fresh baking or because my spouse of the time had asked. I don't generally help people with their computers - it creates a weird cycle of dependency that rarely ends well. With some awkwardness I answered her questions pointing her first to her own employee - my STBX who could perhaps help. I got a very dismissive response to that suggestion which quite surprised me. She used to be quite the star employee and was a good personal friend to the owners. It's nice that I've been able to maintain a good relationship myself with the store owners who are also neighbours despite everything that has gone on. The owner's son does tech stuff though and all of my comments jived with what he said and I suggested that he would perhaps be the best person to assist and I think she's going to go that way.
When I picked up the mail, my plane tickets and hotel reservations for a week in Cuba in early February were in there. I'm really looking forward to that trip which will be my first solo adventure of that sort. Some friends are joking with me that I may meet someone on the beach or hook up with a local. The later sort of thing is trouble I don't need. Usually I'd be all excited about this on social media but am keeping this under my hat until all of the marital legal paperwork is out of the way.
Well - enough for now. S23 is going to broil us up a couple of steaks for dinner which should be nice. I expect that it will be me doing the dishes as usual.
I would think at age 23, s would understand what is going on. Why do you think it is a black box to him? By the way, I think it’s awesome that he chooses to live with you. It says a lot. Sad your stbx has cut herself off from her daughter but nothing you can do...
Gordie - Thanks for the visit and the question.
I think that S23 really doesn't know how to react / what to think about what is going on. He's always been close to his mother and has a similar personality. He knows the peripheral things. His mother has told him she was leaving to be happy and he knows that hurt me quite badly. He loves us both. There's an innate conflict I think in that where someone he loves is being hurt by someone he loves. He doesn't understand the underlying motivations. Heck "I" don't understand the underlying motivations. The best I can do is to not have him be a pawn and both he and his sister have made it very clear to me that they will not "take sides". I did teach my son to love, respect and cherish all women, especially his mother. He does me proud.
As to why he's living here with me, it may be more practical considerations than otherwise. This is the house he grew up in. There's lots of room. There's minimal drama and certainly no other person coming around.
WRT my daughter. I'd be reluctant to say that my STBX has "cut herself off". I fully expect that they talk / communicate regularly. D25 did mention once that it was very "superficial" which doesn't surprise me. As to why my STBX hasn't made the 14 hour drive - well - it's easy to find reasons to not do things and perhaps she is concerned about having to explain herself upon arrival.
Just like you, and like I was advised - sometimes rather forcefully here - the kids are not tools for us to use against the other parent. It is sad that they are collateral damage to what is going on and the best we can do is to try to be the "sane parent".
Lovely Andrew. All i can express is my sympathy and love, i know exactly how you feel. And i know how hard it can be sometimes not to let the children see your anger or your own thoughts towards the stbx. I think you are doing an amazing job with them and at plodding on yourself.
It makes me so happy to see you have a trip planned. A little adventure can be just the ticket to boost your mood and help you regain focus.
I wouldn’t sell yourself short on your son living with you for practical reasons. No matter how old we get, we still look towards our parents for guidance and stability. He has seen you handle yourself well, rebuild yourself. You’ve taught him great life lessons in keeping classy and respecting women.
I for one think you are amazing my dear.
It's signed.
She has 20 days to submit the divorce filing.
Feeling very very weird.
(Cwtch) for you Andrew. I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
Just coming out of my hiatus to give you a big hug AP. Deep breath and forward... (((AP)))
Andrew,
I'm sorry. I know for myself that when it happens it will still hurt even when I think I want it. Transitions are hard.
You've come so far. Once you cross that line, the bad stuff is behind you and you get to move forward for yourself.
Andrew,
I'm so sorry, but at least she has signed the document and at some point you can focus on the next chapter of your life.
Not an easy process!
Big hug for you Andrew!
If we lived closer, i would deliver the biggest pie you have ever seen and i would eat it with you for hours.. ((( )))
Thanks for stopping by and the kind words everyone.
Weird weird. This is something that I've been seeing on the horizon for roughly 100 weeks now. I've been preparing, planning and running a whole gamut of emotions about this. Since I'm probably well known here for bad analogies, I'll try one.
I grew up on a farm. Not a very prosperous one and we weren't very good farmers. Cleaning out the stables was a job that nobody liked and we would put it off. I just looked up the Wikipedia article on the fifth labour of Herculeas - might be an interesting read for you Gordie. Eventually someone had to clean the stables and sometimes (to my young self it seemed like mostly) it was me. The job took days of heavy dirty work but I still remember looking at the stable afterwards with a feeling of satisfaction until that first "plop" from one of the horses or pigs.
What I think that I'm trying to say is that this isn't something I wanted to do or that I wanted to be involved in in any way - but it was a job that was placed in front of me and so I've done my part to the best of my abilities.
((equisitetobe)) - You know that I love pies, hugs and stories. I had a call with D25 last night and we talked about me maybe trying to make a meatloaf pie. I still have one Pillbury crust left over from the last pie I made. Cooking shows are one of her guilty pleasures and so she had some thoughts about how to do it. I may just do an apple pie for Christmas with a crumble top though. S23 likes that sort of pie and even though covered pies are my preference it would still be pie.
Job - Thank you. The future is open to me and it doesn't look as scary as it might thanks to your guidance on this path.
OwnIt - Indeed
Coly23 - Thank you so much Coly. We have all changed and grown through our journeys here. I am glad you have been walking beside me on it.
Cwtch ((Westo)) right back to you.
Journaling
A busy weekend ahead. Now that I have the signed agreement in hand there is paperwork that I can submit to Canada Revenue to decrease my income taxes for next year. I am taking off Tuesday and Wednesday next week. On Tuesday I'll be getting the first laser treatment to remove the "true love knot" tattoo that I designed and wear on my right wrist. It will probably take a few zaps and several months to fade it into invisibility. On Wednesday I have an appointment with my bank in the morning to sign the paperwork for my new mortgage. I'm glad that I did my advance planning and involved them in that because this is just a formality as I was pre-approved. In the afternoon I have an appointment with my insurance agent where I will get a new critical illness policy that will cover the support payments in the event that I fall ill and can't work. According to the agreement I need to sign over one of the smaller life insurance policies as irrevocable for the life of the support. STBX is obliged under the agreement to to release that when the agreement expires on my 60th birthday. On Thursday STBX will do her last pass through the house while I'm at work guided by S23. After that, anything left is mine to do with as I see fit. The lawyers were rather surprised how obliging I've been about this but it's just stuff. And stuff doesn't matter.
Since it is the first weekend of the month, much cleaning will be done. I'm also going to start Christmas decorating. The village Christmas parade is on Sunday evening and I'll record it on my car's dash-cam as usual and post it up to Facebook so that my D25 can see it. The tree will probably wait for another week as I am getting the "real" tree that I've always wanted this year. I mentioned to D25 that I had purged the ornaments last Christmas putting the ones I didn't want around me into a box that STBX picked up in March so she may be sending me some.
I was talking to S23 last night as he was making his dinner and the subject of his mother came up and I think I've realized something. I believe that he is confused as to why I'm not "over it". I've read that about other situations where there are adult children as well. He's a great guy and has a kind heart, but I think that like his mother that he doesn't have the deep empathy that I and his sister have. He is still uncomfortable about the idea of me dating I believe - he certainly looks uncomfortable and that's perfectly understandable. I don't think he needs to worry about that too much in the near term. One thing that holds me back is the image of an overnight visitor encountering him wandering around the house in his boxers with his hairy belly sticking out
AP,
Sounds like you have done a good job of finishing the business side of things. Weird weird? Good one. And shoveling the stables? You are Hercules in my book! Yes, and agree overnight guests and children living with you seem like a bad mix.
Two steps closer. Tuesday I had the first laser treatment to remove a tattoo I got a few years ago to commemorate my devotion to my wife. It will take a few more to fade it away. Yesterday (Wednesday) I signed the paperwork for my mortgage and signed over one of my insurance policies to my STBX. The house will close on December 20th unless there are any bumps. I did talk to my insurance agent about supplemental critical illness coverage to cover support payments if I get ill, but the premiums were pretty significant. I have to think hard about that one.
STBX was supposed to come a while ago to pick up her remaining stuff but didn't until today. Today we got the first noticeable bit of snow making things a bit more difficult perhaps. I had cameras set up in the home office and the bedroom.
When she and S23 walked in to the office she was talking about cameras and looked startled when she was shown it - an old laptop - which quickly had the lid closed and stopped recording video but still recorded audio. Before that I saw her take some souvenir postcards from our first Cuba trip and a picture of what was then S2 and Santa. I then heard her in a very angry voice give instructions to S23 about some property she wasn't taking telling him that he wasn't to allow me to sell it. The overall impression was one of barely suppressed rage.
She was similarly put off by the more obvious camera in the bedroom when she went in and rustled around drawers. S23 shrugged and did nothing.
I am a bit confused on her taking the souveniers and some of the other items which have an attachment to me and her former life, but "don't try to understand crazy".
Based on where S23 was according to the Life360 app we use, she was in the house for a bit over an hour and then 15 minutes at her apartment to unload.
When I got home S23 was home, his shift having been canceled due to weather and there was a list on the table itemizing the things taken, but "not" the items I saw her take on camera (sigh). Poor S23 had been obliged to sign the list as a witness and it had justifications next to many of the items. I thanked him for his help, made sad noises about a nice casserole dish that I liked having been one of the things removed. I feel bad about him having to be the intermediary but even in hindsight he was the ideal choice and I think he took his responsibilities seriously.
It makes me sad seeing this tired angry woman who could have had a very different life. I have no clue if she will be getting her "happily ever after" with her guy or not but at this point I would suspect that she isn't going to. There is something I was reading on another site that stuck with me about relationships based on infidelity. Even though they may be all happy on the surface, underneath it all is the thought which may come out of "I destroyed my family for you!" Even without my faulty mind-reading turban I would imagine that is her life at present.
I'm presuming that at this point that everything is my fault and that I have been a horrible person throughout this. I will sleep soundly in my bed tonight, in the home I have with my family with my son snoring loudly in the next room confident that I have nothing to regret. Perhaps one day she will get the back-yard pool and hot tub she always coveted, a shiny muscle car and tropical vacations. It's certainly not the life she has had for the last nearly 2 years and there is no indication that she is moving out of her apartment over the liquor store any time soon even with the large chunk of cash she is getting in a few weeks.
I was chatting online with SIL1 who is still monitoring STBX's social media. The formerly rather chatty woman (STBX) has had radio silence since the start of last month and had kept a low profile even before that. She does show as online and chatting on messenger - I'm sure telling people what a dump this place is (google shabby but neat for Rocky and Bullwinkle fans <smile>)
According to the terms of the settlement, the divorce papers are to be filed by her within the next week or so. If the timing works out, I will sign those on the 20th when I go up to do the real-estate stuff at my lawyer's office.
For any sailors out there, I do feel that I have rounded a mark and am adjusting sail for a fresh tack. Sailing is sometimes described as the fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense. I am perhaps on the last leg now and just need to keep a steady hand on the tiller and a eye on the tell-tales to watch for any shifts in the wind. I think I can see the shore.
yes, Andrew, and we are all here on shore, shining a light to continue to illuminate your path. You're almost home xoxoxo
Why did you put up the cameras?
Andrew,
I am glad the home visit is over and done with. They do tend to take things that remind them of their past life. Mine wanted all of the vacation photos, which 85% of them had me in them. He also wanted a cross stitch picture that I had just completed and I had framed (after he had left 2 years previously). It's whatever strikes their fancy at that time...but they will keep those items and look at them from time to time just to remind them of what they once had. The same goes with cards, notes and, yes, wrapping paper. There is no rhyme or reason for what they do in our eyes, but they know what they are doing in their eyes only.
It's good that the cameras in place because you may not have noticed things missing when you returned home until much later.
Hang in there...January begins a new page in your life's story.
Why did you put up the cameras?
Years ago I had a webcam pointed at the street that was available on my personal website. A surprising number of people enjoyed it but when I took that site down after the server died I never bothered reactivating it but always thought it was fun.
A month or two before bomb-day I found free software that could power an old cell phone I had laying and fiddled around with that much to the annoyance of STBX who seemed unreasonably paranoid about her voice being recorded. I did have it running on the public internet for a while in fact from one of the front bedrooms where it wouldn't have picked up any conversations anyway.
Then when I was living alone and away from the house for 14 hours a day I turned it in to a free security system which recorded STBX's last visit to the house last March when I was out of the country.
I made a point of having them running yesterday and watching the inside of the house as a deterrent and perhaps because I'm a bit of a b@st@rd. I couldn't stop her from doing whatever she wanted but knowing that it was recorded and that I could see, may or may not have made a difference in how she conducted herself. In the unlikely event of us having to go to court I have lots of evidence on how she conducted herself around the house when I wasn't there as she was making unilateral decisions on taking stuff.
Now they are back to the way they were and I can check to see what the local weather conditions are from 170km away at work. They only cost me electricity so "what the heck".
Oofff.. eventho i understand the reason behind the cam, it give me goosebumps.
A flash back into my story.( trigger for me ).
Your reference to the mirror: As ex-h was having his affair, he was convince i was having one and was desperately trying to catch me so his would be justified. He taped my phones, he used the kids to download ALL files and folders from our computer, He stoled the rolodex containing all passwords, he track my truck and provided phones to the kids with locations "on" in all programs he kindly installed for them.
He informed me one day to keep an eye on my picture windows( cathedral ceiling ) for cams because" we never know, there are some crazy people out there") ( his exact words)
He wanted me to be paranoid and it worked. Everytime neighbours would report seeing him around the neighbourhood, i would inspect the property. I saved a journal i wrote containing dates and times of visits, reasons, moods and conversations. I also saved all of the answering machine messages showing clearly his rapid and crazy cycling. I kept his tapping devices i have found.
As i am writting this, i shake my head.. why on earth did i NOT put a restraining order against him and have the law force him to get help before allowing visitations.. WOWWWW!!! and i call myself the sane one!!
Anyway.. it is far behind and that is where it should stay from this day forward..
Sorry for the highjack!
Andrew, you are one step closer to a brand new chapter. It was long overdue for her to do her walkthrough. I' m glad it is done and that it went well!
It must be a huge weight off your shoulders and off your son' s. It is not plaisant but must be done.
I like following your story. The boat, the shore, the waves... You are handleing things marvelously! I admire you!
Oh my (((equisitetobe))) - I'm so sorry for triggering you. I've only read some of your more recent threads and know you had a very tough time of things. Definitely not a highjack. This is an important perspective because I am sure that many LBS has been stalked possibly including myself.
I am pretty sure that my STBX had a huge fear and distrust of me and perhaps still does even though it is unfounded both in past and present actions by me. From my past posts you probably know that I have the technical skills necessary to do the sort of things your ex did to you and at one point when I changed the Netflix password my STBX commented in an email that she was worried that she had been hacked.
I've always believed that you should never do anything you are reluctant to explain to your Maker, your auditor or your wife. When I first installed the cameras I offered her the passwords and connection information and only got silence in return from her (here I was chastised <smile>). But a big part of my DB "strategy" was to go the extra distance to prove that I could be trusted and relied on despite what she had done.
Distrust doesn't come easily to me and it makes me uncomfortable. However I'm not stupid - well - not always stupid. Putting the cameras up seemed like a wise precaution and since she had been offered access to them and since they were generally pretty obvious I didn't have any moral qualms about them. I too have files of text messages between us, the original infidelity evidence from when I went on to the computer that she had left logged in to Facebook Messenger, house security camera footage etc, all carefully stored away. I am so looking forward to the day when the divorce is signed off and I can purge that toxic waste from my environment but I know that I need to keep it for now in case things go off the rails. I'm too much of a pessimist to just believe in other people's promises. I am also confident that she kept every card I gave her, every note I wrote in trying to woo her back. I recall telling my lawyer that I had no fear of anything she had "on me" even if it was from this site.
You are very right though in that I do indeed feel a huge weight off of my shoulders. Unless things get torpedoed, there is only one final mark to weather and that is my signing off on the divorce papers which she is obliged to have filed within the next week or so.
An aquaintance of mine on another forum had a "freedom" party when his own situation was sorted out. I am probably going to just get myself a new bowtie to commemorate it that I can wear and look at and know that I have survived and as roist would say - thrived.
Some random nonsense and gossip.
A dear friend of mine wrote to me today saying "You know you will have moved on when you are defined not by where you have been, but where you are going".
I thought that would be nice to share.
In other gossip - I forgot to mention that I stopped by the book shop on Wednesday, bought a new calendar and had a nice chat with the owner. She was so startled to see me that sadly she spilled coffee all over the counter. No stock was damaged. She did seem quite pleased to see me and chat although the mess was an unfortunate side effect.
I put up my Christmas tree today and am very pleased. It is still shedding needles and the vacuum is kept close by. I'll probably start decorating it tomorrow. My friends at the bake shop around the corner were nagging at me that they wanted to be sure that I posted pictures on Facebook for them to critique. As usual when faced with something new, I've completely over-thought everything. The tree was lighter than I expected, S23 coincidentally happened to be available for me to put it in the stand and as of 10 minutes ago, the cats have not attempted to climb it. I expect that last bit to change. Many needles have been shed as expected and the vacuum cleaner is staying on standby.
I talked to S23 about the tree and we won't be putting any lights on it this year and will decorate with what we have. Since I split and purged the decorations box after last Christmas we don't have a lot. It will all be fine. I did ask him about his Christmas and New Year's plans which hasn't crossed his consciousness to this point. I have my bid in first for Christmas dinner with him I believe.
SIL1 is in full conspiracy mode about STBX and many messages have been composed by her to me about what is going on with her. She is still connected on Facebook and sees STBX online nearly constantly but not posting - presumably chatting with enabling friends. She expects this holiday season to be pivotal in if the Princess Fairy Land happily ever after happens but has a lot of doubt. It's entertaining to me (I would occasionally watch soap operas when younger) but I will admit that it doesn't cause me any real angst or emotion. As some would say - "not my circus" - but watching the circus is fun sometimes.
Ah well - enough nonsense. My second load of laundry is done, I have queued up the classic Alistair Sims Christmas Carol (the "only" version), pork chops are on the menu for dinner and yes - life is pretty darned good, especially in a house that smells like a Christmas tree. And yes - for those who have been playing along for some time, I picked up my first quart of "chicken milk" today along with a small bottle of rum for afters.
Andrew,
You sound great. I know it's been a difficult time for you w/trying to get the legal things done, but you've managed to do so w/much dignity.
As for the tree...it will be beautiful w/o the lights. Everyone will enjoy it, especially your fur babies. At least you will not have to worry about them chewing the wires, i.e., the National Lampoon Christmas story whereby the cat chewed the wires and have an electrifying experience. LOL.
Hang in there! Your next chapter of your life's story is about to begin and who knows what the future will hold for you...but I'm betting on many positives in the coming year.
AP,
Sounds like you are doing awesome. Glad the book shop lady and you were able to converse. No chemistry there?
Gordie - thanks for the visit and kind comments. No - there was no chemistry with that lady. She's nice, smart and friendly - but that's it.
Venting time
As it comes up to Christmas and with all the divorce / settlement stuff front and centre I find myself up and down emotionally. Oddly, being a guy and all, my Christmas shopping is complete, D25 has received her parcel from me last week as well.
It was difficult being in the house by myself (S23 worked all weekend), listening to Christmas carols, trying to feel the jolly, missing having someone to share it with. I know that it's pointless to speculate but I imagine that tough as I have it, that my STBX has it worse. I (perhaps stupidly) drove by her apartment on Friday morning. Her car wasn't there but her guy's truck was with enough snow on it to indicate that it had been there since the prior day. I expect that she borrowed it to move the stuff and left her car at his place. There was a single set of footprints in the snow going up the stairs. She's alone too I expect. This is just crap. Fortunately I was ambivalent about the fact that she's still seeing her guy.
The real estate stuff should all be signed on Wednesday although the lawyer wants me to have title insurance - something I've never needed in the past. I did ask if they have seen the divorce papers yet and no they haven't but wanted the original of the marriage license which they were advised was in my possession. I sent them the scanned copy and advised them that the other party has the original, it was in a box marked "important papers" and in a folder labeled "wedding" (yes I was the organized one).
Since it was believed that I had that document I can reasonably assume that many of the boxes that were taken back in March haven't been opened. Knowing her tendencies, I expect that she is living, surrounded by the boxes containing a life that no longer exists.
Ah well - lunch time is just about over. Time to get back to work.
Thanks for listening.
It's such a difficult time of the year, isn't it? It's a new year soon though and a new beginning for a lot of us.
Here's a Christmas (((cwtch))) for you. Andrew, you are an amazing man....
Andrew,
Don’t torture yourself by driving by her place.
Get out of the house to visit others to to explore by yourself.
Bundle up and go on a walk in the woods.
Hit the gym, the movies, a museum, volunteer, whatever your fancy...
You have come so far in the past few months, it is really amazing. You should be so so proud of how far you come.
The holiday season is going to be a tough one for us all I’m sure. All these advertisements and songs about dreamy lovey Christmas. What’s getting me through is counting my blessings, there’s always someone worse off. What’s more, we have one of the greatest gifts, our children, self respect and our dignity.
I agree with gordie though, as tempting as it may be- don’t drive by her place. It’s only going to hurt you and put a dampener on your mood.
I do like that quote about relationships that have stemmed from affairs. I often think there’s that thought that would linger, and also you’d be a paranoid wreck knowing that if that person was willing to get involved with a married person, it could happen to you. I’m sure at some point, even a wayward would eventually have to swallow this pill of reality. Slowly, slowly eating away at them.
Sweet Andrew,
This time of the year is a little melancholic. Big hug to you and i am taking one from you aswell..
i was also struggleing this past week- end. Here is my way out of it. I bring myself back into reality by thinking of who ex-h has become. No way would i want this man as a partner.
My family as it was will never be again and i will make it better. I only hurt myself by allowing my mind to drift away from reality.
I know you would not become her OM. I know it would not work if she begged to come back. Most time, the less we know of the other party, the better we are.
You' re doing great! See if you can create a new tradition for you and your son.. as easy as a new outing, recipe, drink, anything to make this moment special year after year. For us, it was inviting my kids's friends to decorate Christmas cookies. This year, they asked if we could do them again. ( they are 22, 19, 17 and 14 years old. Lol ) it obviously made an impact.
I' ll send you an invite if we do! You get to take them home! Lol
Stay strong, stay real!
we' re here for you..
Cherry / Gordie - The driving past her place didn't hurt. It made me a bit sad for her that things don't appear to be working out. Odd as it may sound I do actually hope that things work out for her and that she does find her happiness. I know very clearly though that it is something I cannot do for her. In some correspondence from my lawyer today it seems that she has started the divorce process as per the agreement and I'm cooperating.
Try as I might I can't just turn off caring like a switch. Exquisite - you are correct. She isn't someone that I would want in my life and I can't imagine her becoming the sort of person that I would accept. It's tough as we all know to mourn the loss of a person when their body is still walking around. At least there will be no fresh hurt to deal with.
Westo / EquisiteToBe - Thank you both so much for the big hugs - sending them right back to you multiplied. That's the great thing about hugs, the more you give, the more there are. I read back to this time last year and I am absolutely doing better now. I have some certainty in my life. On Wednesday I have an appointment to finalize the real-estate portion of the deal and on December 20th I will be the sole owner of my home.
We are doing something new this year here. On Christmas Eve S23 and I will have some pork pies for a snack with a glass of sherry before bed. It relates to an alternate Christmas story called "Hogswatch" from a favourite author. My "real" tree is still standing complete with the modest complement of ornaments. By the way the needles were scattered when I got home, the cats have done some exploring. Having a real tree is another new tradition. I do indeed have a weakness for cookies though so if you see a middle-aged guy in a bow tie knocking at your door Exquisite - it may be me
I'm still waiting for the peanut butter ones that Doodler promised me more than a year ago.
Well - time to make tomorrow's lunch and do up the dishes. There's supposed to be snow overnight. I believe that a white Christmas is pretty much guaranteed for me.
Try as I might I can't just turn off caring like a switch. Exquisite - you are correct. She isn't someone that I would want in my life and I can't imagine her becoming the sort of person that I would accept. It's tough as we all know to mourn the loss of a person when their body is still walking around. At least there will be no fresh hurt to deal with.
AndrewP I totally agree that this time of year gets us all a little nostalgic, if not melancholic. When you've married your best friend, and had babies, it's very hard not to hark back to great Christmases past and mourn their loss. Topping it off by having to mourn the loss of people we used to love when they're still walking around is indeed very tough.
I couldn't agree more that the people inhabiting the bodies of our exes are not the people we would find at all attractive. I am very impressed at the detachment you have found though. I cannot imagine actually, truly, really, not-just-mouthing-platitudes find myself hoping that my ex finds happiness with his OW (or anybody else for that matter). I think that in itself shows how remarkable you are. Good on you!
With maturity, compassion and empathy like yours, you're bound to end up in a way better space than your STBX, and indeed most people. May 2018 indeed be your year - and for the rest of us too!
Minor update time.
My right wrist itches a bit where the "true love" tattoo I got a few years ago is slowly fading. I broke down and got it lasered early in the month. I go back in on Valentines Day (appropriate) for the second set of zapping that will possibly make it largely gone. It will probably cost about 3 times what it took to put it on to get rid of it and about 6 months of elapsed time. The science and chemistry involved is rather interesting (to me) but I won't bother boring my audience here.
Christmas is pretty much all organized. There are a couple of traditional stocking stuffers that I still need to get and some new traditions that need a touch more organizing. The cats and the tree have gotten along fine and thus far none of the sparse collection of ornaments have hit the floor. I expect that to change.
I have no idea what S23's plans are over Christmas as far as spending time with his mother or her family. I'm operating as if she doesn't exist. They are both adults and can figure out whatever they need to.
I send the spousal payments via interac e-transfer due on the 15th of each month. I sent the second one out last Wednesday on my pay-day when I usually pay my bills. I was worried by Friday when she hadn't picked it up (I get an automatic email) and was stressing a bit that I would have to write to her asking if there was a problem but last night at around 11:00pm I got the email. Now that there have been two payments go through with this method I no longer need to worry even if there are delays in her retrieving the funds. The process works.
This week we hit the "point of no return". Last week I signed the paperwork to close off the transfer of the house deed to my name (and paid the large associated bill). The other side needs to sign that for the deal to close on Wednesday the 20th. That day is also the due date for her to file for divorce according to the agreement. It may not happen on time because she isn't a very organized person. I'm unclear on the exact process but I believe that she needs to physically "serve" me the paperwork and then I ignore it and things just automatically close off. I hope she doesn't do it in person. I've been checking the mailbox by the door and nothing yet. According to what I've read I believe she can give it to S23 to pass on. I'm expecting this week to be pretty tough. Last week I had a weepy episode after signing the real-estate paperwork. Not nearly as bad as back at the beginning though.
I do stress a bit about her knocking on the door. Doing a bit of inappropriate mind-reading, as tough as this is on me, it must be worse for her. She has to initiate the divorce herself. She's living in her apartment by herself (I believe) and passes by the house with it's jolly Christmas decorations at least a couple of times / week. She would know that I'm still here alone with S23 and the home and family she left behind. I'm sure that the life she has isn't the one she imagined. She continues the unusual social media silence as far as I know as well. And before anyone asks - no - sadly the door is closed.
I have a trip to Cuba for a week scheduled for the start of February that I booked about a month ago. I'm going to the same inexpensive all-inclusive place that I used to go to when married. It will be weird going solo but I like that spot and will reclaim it. My barber was giving me a hard time yesterday suggesting that some unsupervised hedonism should be my focus there and thought me nuts when I explained how un-interested I was in that. I'm not a eunuch and perhaps there will be someone in my life that I can "dance the horizontal mambo" with in the future but count me as not interested in doing that with anyone where there isn't also an emotional connection.
"20 something" moved in to the village a month or two ago with her current boyfriend and his younger brother. I don't think things are going well. I don't really care for the guy much and when he couch-surfed here for a month or so a number of years ago I found him thoughtless and entitled. It appears that he hasn't changed. I've seen a few posts sent to me on SnapChat and Instragram where she's been complaining about the state of affairs and did send her a note saying that if she needs it that we have room here. I think she thought I might have been suggesting something inappropriate and I did have to back-pedal and explain. Given her temperament, past history, the fact that she has a relationship already and the age difference she's certainly not on the dance partner list but she's a nice kid and I like her. On the other hand she's quite pretty and rather well endowed...
As far as my own romantic prospects go there really aren't any. I've been maintaining a friendly relationship with the nice lady at the flower shop and a couple of others. One of the engineers at work who has previously been a bit distant going through her own tough divorce and I got chatting and joking about our mutual "adventures in housekeeping" last week which was nice. Considering how long I've been out of the dating pool and the fact that my last relationship was started with intense pursuit and love-bombing by my STBX I really have no idea how normal modern relationships start.
Hi Andrew, glad to hear you are getting your tattoo sorted, it will be good to have that gone I think. And sorry if things are a bit rough at the moment. It isn't easy when you reach the final stages of things like deed transfer and filing for D - plus it's the holiday season too.
I can remember watching the post box for ages. XH said he would file and then I think it was six months or so before I got the paperwork - and when I did it came by email! So, lots of watching the postbox for something that never arrived there anyway - gah!
In the main though, whilst things may not feel easy, I do think you have come a long way and seem to be in a generally good place, which is credit to you. I hope you can relax and enjoy the festive season, with some new traditions, as much as possible.
x
AndrewP,
Thanks for the update and wish you the best. I can only imagine the emotions of closing things out. Good thing you were able to shed a few tears. I think that’s a healthy part of grieving. I’m jealous. May you be able to enjoy Christmas the best that you can. Peace!
Hi Gordie - would you mind sharing the name of the inexpensive all-inclusive in Cuba? How do they price it out for a single vs. a couple?
I am really needing a break and thinking about an all-inclusive somewhere - by myself.
Thx!
GalPal - I'm going to Varadero. There are a number of similar mid-priced hotels along the strip in the town itself. If you go out of town they are nicer but more pricey and you can't walk around as easily which I like to do. If you check TripAdvisor you should be able to find some helpful reviews.
The older hotels in the town are generally in somewhat poor repair especially the cheaper ones.
It's costing me about $1400 Canadian for 7 days including flight from Toronto. If I recall correctly it was about $1800 as a couple.
Hi Andrew,
First, {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Yes, having things finalize the week before Christmas is very difficult. I know from personal experience. I actually counted the days, and ours should have been final on 12/21, but I found out it was actually final on 12/23 when I paid for the final decree (isn't that nice, we have to give the state money to get the official notice). Either way, this is a tough one. However, you've done the work. You are doing much better than even you probably know.
It's completely normal to shed a few tears around this. I would be worried if you did not. I also applaud your decision to forgo the horizontal mambo without emotional attachment.
Yes, I too find modern dating to be a mystery. The last time I was free was 1989!!! That seems a very long time ago. Things are vastly different now. It's ok, we will figure it out.
I'm glad you've booked a vacation for yourself and are going through with the tattoo removal. Trust me, once this passes and you go through the associated grieving process the other side will be very peaceful indeed. You've worked hard and are such a kind soul - I know you will find serenity waiting for you. It's very close now, Andrew. I promise!!! Sending light to guide you and hugs.
xoxoxo
Random musings
On Wednesday the real-estate portion of the settlement went through and I am now the sole owner of my home and a large cheque has presumable been cut to my STBX. Interestingly looking at the paperwork she didn't use the same lawyer she'd been using through the separation but rather a guy closer by. I suspect again that this confirms that she had gotten good advice on what lawyer to pick for the negotiations.
A quick email to my insurance broker and the house insurance is now in my name only too.
One more rope cut. I sat up a bit late on Wednesday night with a bottle of wine and a big bowl of popcorn watching Christmas movies. Yesterday I was bloated and uncomfortable with a counter full of dirty dishes. I think I'm allowed.
According to the terms of the settlement, divorce should be filed by now and I'm just waiting to be served. I'm rather stressed about that as I am sure everyone can imagine.
SIL1 let me know that STBX was tagged in some Facebook photos of a 30th anniversary party for one of her guy's friends. She was by far the youngest one there I was told. Thankfully I didn't see the picture. According to my SIL on her own Facebook profile, the most recent photos are still of her and I. I'm sure that there are plausible explanations being given.
When I got home last night I was surprised to see S23 home rather than at his job at the pub and that the pub was dark. It turns out that one of the owners died suddenly a day or so ago. It's sad. They guy was perhaps my age or maybe a bit younger. No clue what this means for the longer term. I've suggested that I'll pick up a card and that if we find out when / where the funeral is that we'll do the appropriate things. I'm not sure how S23 is taking things. He's very closed and always has been. Rather like his mother that way I think. Even though I'm an introvert, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve.
Fortunately we don't rely on S23's income to make ends meet and I expect that he will only have his occasional construction work until things at the pub get sorted out. They might not though. I don't think the place was making much money.
My house is all Christmassy and plans are in place for a nice roast duck basted in sherry for Christmas dinner. I am presuming that S23 will be sharing that with me. No clue what if any plans he and his mother may have made and given that they are rather alike and that I believe that S23 still hasn't done any shopping there may well be no plans. I've gone ahead and just presumed that he will be with me - sometimes treating things as a fait accompli is the best way to get things done. I'm working from home today a half-day so this afternoon may be playing taxi driver.
Since STBX's "bulldog" lawyer was the one who was to do the divorce filings and there doesn't appear to be any regret or remorse on the other side I expect things to be processed perhaps already. I'm not going to follow-up or nag and I am preparing myself for a final kick in the gut when that happens. There will probably be another bottle of wine involved. I removed STBX's contact information from all my devices some time ago and really have no urge to talk to her about anything. From the silence I would presume she feels the same way.
Then I turn my face forward and try to put the last nearly 30 years behind me.
Andrew,
I am glad that you've gotten the house in your name and can now move forward. Hopefully things will continue to progress and you can close this chapter of your life and begin a new one. Of course, the old chapter will have a lot of memories for you, a lot of them good and a few not so good. You have two beautiful children that you share w/her and there will be times when your paths cross in a small town as well as family events down the road...but no one knows where your road will lead you...but I think it's going to be a good one where you will find love once again...but not for a while.
As for her switch up on lawyers, it could have been that lawyer number one had had enough of her or she got tire of him telling her what or what not she could do and she moved on to another one. My xh did that and his first lawyer knew exactly what he was going through and finally told him just before our divorce hearing to find someone knew and the person he got wasn't even from the same law firm. Whatever the reason, I am hoping that he won't drag his feet and will get this moving along.
I am sure your home looks beautiful for the holidays and your meals will be delicious as always. My wish for you is that you have a Merry Christmas and think about how your next chapter in your life's book will begin. I can't wait to read the beginning of it!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Andrew, good job moving along. It will doubtless be nice when it is over. I hope some day I get my signed agreement so the D itself is uneventful and only 3 months in duration. Make some nice new traditions. That is my goal this season.
Hey AP! Glad things are moving along for you and you are letting certain things go. I can definitely relate to leaving dirty dishes until the next morning! Not a day went by when I didn't make sure that all crockery and cuttlery was collected from all around the house, the dishwasher loaded and switched on before bed. Post BD, it has taken me a while but I am not so fussed about leaving things until the next day!
AP, I just wanted to thank you for all your support and making me laugh sometimes even when we know your are hurting. I wish you a very happy Christmas and hope that you have lots if love and happiness in 2018!! Xx
Awwee Coly - Thank you for your kindness. My journey has been brighter because of your support.
I think we had an opposite thing with dishes. Pre BD they weren't my responsibility and would often pile up. I have a lot of house pride though and even though I'm nowhere near a neat-freak I do like having a tidy kitchen at the end of the day which S23 will often mess up in the middle of the night. One of the advantages of being an adult though is that when I have a truly bad day I can let some things slide. They do have to be done eventually and usually by me.
OwnIt - Thanks for stopping by. I am making some new traditions this year. A "real tree" which has worked out rather well, pork pies and sherry for Christmas eve, roast duck for Christmas dinner. I'll be connecting the TV to my Skype call on Christmas morning with D25 and her H so it will be more like they are right here. At HOME.
Job - I think you have more confidence in my cooking than I do
I figure if I baste the duck, the cook, and S23 all with enough brandy that it will be fine
As you well know there is an annoying underlying stress waiting for this last step to be done. Given everything else and the fact that she and her guy are still seeing each other I can't imagine that the divorce won't happen. As you know I tend to over-think pretty much everything and I also feel emotions quite strongly. The legal process seems to be hung up and delayed pretty much only by holidays / vacations etc. Will I be served before New Years? No clue. If I don't see anything by about 3-Jan I'll send a query to my lawyer. It was part of the agreement that she would file within 20 days of signing the settlement and her lawyer had reached out looking for the original of the marriage certificate to do the paperwork. I think that in many ways that this process is out of both of our hands and it would require a real effort of will to stop it. On my side, I won't stop it both because it is what I believe she wants even though she never, even when specifically asked in the last lawyer meeting has said that and also because I know that for me, that it's the right thing to happen.
I'm glad that I don't have any big events planned. S23 will be out with friends on New Year's eve, there may be a lunch at my youngest brother's farm and so I will have time to be quiet and to grieve.
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Yes, I have a lot of faith in your cooking! Can't wait to hear how your dinner turned out!
A special Merry Christmas to you Andrew!!
I was soooo happy to read that your son will make his homemade bread for you guys!!! That is one of the thing you cherish. ENJOY EVERY BITE!!!
Hi Andrew,
Enjoy the Christmas feast. Grieve when it's time. It's necessary and there is much peace on the other side of it! I promise! Merry Christmas!!
xoxoxo
Well job - your optimism about my cooking was overly optimistic.
The duck for Christmas dinner turned out to be fairly dry and tough. I think that was because I left it in the oven too long due to some scheduling mixups. Opinions would be appreciated. It was a 4 lb duck that I cooked for 2 hours basting with sherry every 30 minutes. I maybe pierced the skin too much as well allowing all the fat to drain off. I have a second duck that I will do another time and it would be nice for it to be nice and moist. I'd originally planned on dinner at around 6:00 but S23 mis-remembered how long it took to make bread in his bread machine and so we ate around 7:00. I also started the duck earlier than I should have. The bread also didn't rise as nicely as it usually does - perhaps his yeast has gone off. So not a perfect meal, but pretty darned good for two bachelors if I do say so myself and we did enjoy it.
We filled up on duck, dressing, potatoes, veg and fresh bread though and so the apple pie that I made didn't get eaten then. I'd also over-estimated the number of apples to use and so the pie is huge and mounded and the piece I just had for my lunch was nice and tasty. The apples still have a bit of a crunch to them - just the way I like it.
Christmas eve S23 and I shared a new tradition - sort of - of having pork pies and sherry (instead of milk and cookies). He didn't want any sherry and handed around the pork pies at the end of Christmas eve dinner. I'd intended them for before bed. It was all good and the pies were quite tasty with mustard. I didn't bother to say anything about the timing mix-up.
Christmas morning was good. We opened presents with D25 and her H remotely via Skype. I used my Chromecast to project them on to the TV which made for a pleasant experience. Many thoughtful gifts were exchanged (I got 2 books by Adm Stavridis, 2 new bow ties (one from "Santa"), and a tin of fresh baked cookies). When I was out of the room to take the kettle off the stove for my tea I did overhear S23 mention that he was seeing his mother the next day (today). I asked him if he was going to be "out" the next day over dinner and yes he was. S23 also put a fresh copy of the Farmer's Almanac into my stocking for me which used to be the traditional thing his mother did. I thanked him. He meant well. D25 posted some pictures of her presents on Facebook later and I didn't seen any from her mother. They were over a month late in arriving last year. S23 mentioned that what he had sent down was also going to be late. He is in may ways very like his mother which can be difficult at times for me.
The duck bones are currently bubbling away for stock and smell wonderful and there was still lots of meat left to make stew. S23 just left, apparently empty-handed and presumably to spend a bit of time with his mother. Yet again, she parked a block or so away and he had to walk over to her. I went back to my Christmas post last year and recall my hope that she would come in the door then which never happened then either. I actually don't want to see her so this is fine but awkward.
I partly expect S23 to come home with the divorce paperwork as I am supposed to be "served" by December 20th but hadn't seen anything yet. That would be a crappy thing to make him do, but given that she won't even come in to the driveway to pick him up, I can't see her doing it in person.
We have a couple of feet of snow on the ground and my snow-blower has been busy. Yesterday I noticed my neighbour out shoveling - the store next door usually cleans his drive for him and so did his drive as well. We had a laugh because he told me that he had been intending to take it slow and that he had told his family to watch to see "how it's done" which was funny because "how it's done" appeared to be the neighbour coming over unasked and doing the bulk of it. I also did the sidewalk for the block I live on while I was out. Boys and their toys ....
So - I hope everyone had as Merry of a Christmas as the could given the circumstances that most of us face. Soon it will be a new year and time for fresh Songs and Stories.
Andrew,
Even if the duck was a bit dry and tough, it sounds like you and your son enjoyed your dinner and that's what really counts!
I see a new tradition in your posting and I think it's wonderful that a new one has started. It's very different and I'm sure the pork pies were delicious.
New bow ties? What color? I'm sure you'll look smashing in them.
I do hope that the rest of the holiday season will be pleasant for you and your son.
Enjoy the stew!
Thanks job. There is a pink tie with a "shattered glass" pattern on it as my "new life" tie from "Santa" and a white one with Don Quixote and a windmill on it that came from S23.
I didn't have any pink ties in my collection and so it will be versatile for Cancer awareness month as well as that was the official colour of tie for my University faculty many many moons ago. The shattered glass pattern is to symbolize that I have been been hurt but am now moving forward and to remind myself that I am strong and can survive tragedy.
I expect that S23 understands the significance and meaning of Don Quixote to me. It was very thoughtful of him. I just got an updated location on him. He's off with his mother visiting his grandparents that he hasn't seen in perhaps 4 years. It's snowing fairly heavily so it would have been a tough drive especially over the mountain. His mother is a very good driver though (S23 doesn't drive). No clue if her guy is there with them or not - none of my business.
The stew is bubbling away right now but I've gorged myself on the contents of my Christmas stocking so that might be tomorrow's supper plus left-overs for the freezer.
Merry Christmas my friend.
The description of the pink tie sounds beautiful and it sure does symbolize what you've been through the last few years. As for Don Quixote...your son understands more than you think.
Glad to hear he is with his mother and is going to visit his grandparents. It will be a nice visit for all of them. I hope that they travel safely to where they need to go.
I'm sure you'll have plenty of stew left for tomorrow! LOL!
Enjoy the quiet evening w/your fur babies.
Well - it's been quite the year. One more day left.
Feeling my mortality a bit today. In addition to one of my neighbours dying suddenly a week or so ago, so did the husband of one of my colleagues. In both cases the men were I believe about my age or a bit younger. Add on to that that a couple of days ago my youngest brother fell from a ladder while painting and seriously broke his arm in multiple places. He said that there were bone fragments jammed into the joint and that he will probably never get full use of the arm back. His biggest concern is that it will hurt his ability to play with his 1-year old little boy who won't understand why Dad can't roll around on the floor with him playing. I assured him that he'll figure something out and that if they needed any help with anything that S23 and I are here. He goes in for reconstructive surgery today. It was supposed to be yesterday but after looking at the arm yesterday afternoon the surgeon said that there weren't enough hours left to do the job. For those who are of the praying sort, a quick thought for healing for my brother would be appreciated. He has a very good support network around him including my oldest brother and many cousins who will be sure that his wood pile and snow clearing are taken care of. My nephew is a little cutie and I believe that quiet tussles are happening about who will get to help out with child-care. My name is certainly in the hat.
S23 and I were supposed to spend some time with my brothers and their families yesterday but given the fact that one is out of commission I popped up to see my oldest brother and his wife. S23 was still sleeping (he keeps weird hours) when I left so I left a note. I had a nice visit with them plus his 87 year old father in law, the FIL's girlfriend and my SIL's sister who was in from the West who went through a bad divorce a couple of years ago. It was interesting comparing the dynamic in that family with what I'm used to with STBX's family. With them, there was a lot of snark, arguments and open disrespect, especially of my x-FIL. Here, there was laughter, intelligent conversations and obvious love between everyone. It was refreshing.
When I left I joked to my SIL's sister that we perhaps shouldn't wait another 28 years before we saw each other, she surprised me with a big hug and agreed that we should keep in touch. Don't know if that will happen but she's part of the extended family that I'm grateful to be reconnecting with since BD. I believe she flys back to Calgary in a week or so and I doubt our paths will cross before then.
When I got home S23 wasn't here having left at about 4:30 and the GPS showed him at his mother's apartment. He was there until late so I presume they had their Christmas. He was quite restless all night and I heard him wandering around the house a lot. After I posted on Boxing Day, I did notice that he did have a short stop at OM's house in the evening for about 15 minutes. If the introductions hadn't been made previously, they have now. I feel surprisingly ambivalent about it. I suppose that's part of what Cadet means about the "gift of time". No clue if he was part of last night's visit or not. None of my business. All the participants are adults and I'm not directly involved.
I still haven't been served the divorce papers even though there was a deadline of December 20th for that to be done. I double-checked with the local family court and they have no record of an action being started. So I sent a polite query to my lawyer yesterday morning asking for advice and suggesting that they reach out to their opposite number for information. I figure it's best that I don't meddle too much. I'd been hoping for this to all be done before the end of the year but that's not going to happen. I did mention to my lawyer that I was understanding that at this time of year that things can be delayed due to holidays etc. Given the personality of my STBX I'm not hugely surprised that things aren't in place for the divorce, the final nail in the door between us. She's not hugely organized and has always been avoidant of any difficult or unpleasant task usually leaving them to me. In this case because it is part of a legal contract that she file, she can't avoid it. I can't imagine any scenario at this point where she will refuse to but I have been wrong a whole lot of times about her in the past few years.
On another site where I participate we were asked to identify something that we learned about ourselves in 2017. Well, in my case I learned that I'm going to be OK. And that I don't "need" to have someone in my life as a partner even though I feel that may well happen in due course. Of all the things that have happened / could have happened to me this past year, that's something that I'm proud of.
Time to get my Saturday errands underway. There's a light snow falling and the winds might pick up later blowing it around. The freezer is getting eaten down so a trip to the butcher shop is on the agenda along with the usual other errands. Duck stew on the menu for dinner. New Years is planned to be a nice quiet evening at home with the cats, perhaps messaging back and forth with a few select friends while watching the ball drop on a fresh New Year.
Have a fabulous day everyone and thanks for being here for me. I appreciate this place and you people immensely.
Andrew,
My condolences are being sent your way on the deaths of your neighbor, as well as the husband of your colleague. It seems like there are so many people passing away at this time of year and they are getting younger and younger. I can't help but wonder if it is the fast pace we live, the stress and the preservatives in our food that is creating this situation.
I am so sorry to read about your brother. I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers. It's good that they are doing the reconstructive surgery today. He'll probably will have pins and a cast for quite some time. He needs to stay positive because that will help him heal and who knows...he may regain almost if not all of the use back. Time will tell. Physical therapy does work wonders and, of course, actually listening to your surgeon.
Sorry to hear that the papers haven't been completed...but I am not surprised. You may not see them for a while and the excuse will be, too busy in the office to complete and file them or she was too busy and didn't have time to go by there and do whatever she needed to do because of the holidays. I hope that this can be pinned down soon for you as I know you would like to check this off your list and be able to move forward.
Enjoy your day and Happy New Year a few days early!
AndrewP,
I’m sorry for your losses. I had a good friend did recently and it hurt more than I expected. Alas, this too is part of our journey.
Re the d papers. Sorry you are having to wait around for her to do something. I feel your pain.
I’m glad you and s23 are living your own new traditions. I am glad you have companionship at this time. Happy new year!
AP, sorry on your losses, but you are correct on your success at growing stronger in your own skin. As bad as this trial is for the LBS, it definitely can make us stronger as we wade thru the rough waters. I've seen your posts over the last year and you have definitely changed for the better. You seem to be much more confident and more positive in your mindset.
Happy New Year my friend!
Just got an email from my lawyer asking if they could accept service of the divorce papers on my behalf.
I said yes.
It's essentially over now. There is nothing I need to do to allow this to go through.
Hopefully the real healing can start.
AndrewP,
Tou beat me to it! Turn that page. How does that make you feel?
How does that make you feel?
I haven't figured that out yet.
10,736 days ago (math!) I met a short chubby, outgoing woman. She was set up with me as a blind date by a married friend who thought she had been hitting on him. We were inseparable from then until 626 days ago.
Now we are forever apart. I've been expecting this and preparing for this for 666 days but it will still take some time to process.
So together 27 years and apart for 2?
That’s a long time and a lot to process. Take your time.
Let us know how we can help.
Andrew,
I am so sorry. You have done everything humanly possible to make the path home a safe one for her. Now, she will go through an euphoric stage and 6 months from now, she may realize that nothing has changed and the divorce decree is nothing more than a piece of paper.
I hope that w/this news, the healing process can begin. Look forward, my friend...life is waiting for you and so is the blank page of the next chapter of your life's book. I can't wait to read what you post as the next chapter.
Take care of yourself.
a moment of silence to honor what has passed.
a moment of silence to honor what is now.
a moment of silence to honor what will be.
xoxoxoxo
AS Job said, Sometime in the near future she will probably wake and realize she isn't as happy as she thought she would be once she got the divorece. You may even get an un solicited text from her asking you if you were happy as if you want this all along.
Unfortunately the road we are on is long and full of lots of turns. This is just one of those many turns your journey and hers will take. No one can say that you will reunite, but we can say that you tried your best and have nothing to be sorry for.
Take some time for yourself. This is as much of a death for you as if you lost someone of some pet. Give yourself some time to feel bad and show your emotions. Don't do this for too long, pick yourself up and keep moving forward on your new path. Let her catch up if she chooses too.
I'm so sorry AP,
You can be very proud of the way you've handled yourself, I know we are all proud of you.
Grieve, cry and then take a big deep breath.
It goes without saying but here's a big fat (((cwtch))) from across the pond.
Dearest Andrew, I can only imagine the sadness, but I do believe the healing will really begin now. You are such a lovely man and deserve an equally lovely lady who will cherish all of your special qualities. In the meantime, process the pain and enjoy this time to yourself. I don't think it will be that long-lived.
I'm sorry to read this Andrew and my thoughts are with you. It is a sad day to receive those papers when this wasn't the path you chose to take.
I recall that day was a really sad one for me. Then I recall feeling relieved that I wasn't waiting any more for those papers. I had been watching the mailbox but mine came by email too..
As LT says, this is another bend in the road and there is a journey to be taken yet, but we'll be walking right along with you.
In my situation, once the divorce did finalise (whilst sad) it was a relief to no longer be married to someone else's boyfriend and it did help me move forward a lot. I was happy to be mistress of my own destiny again and have financial freedom without the weight hanging over me.
So, sadness and progress too....xx
(((Andrew)))
I am in lost of words to explain how i feel.. with mlc, this is a milestone in the journey.
For me, the D was just papers.. The way i was treated was what mattered. Ex- h shared with me, a year after it was all done, that this was not what he wanted and those papers were burnt by him. He had no clue what was on them. At the time, he wanted out quickly for his little lady but was crushed with going through with it. He has never shown with actions that he wanted to fix things. To this day, he shows kindnest from time to time but no consistancy. Always OWs.
If you feel yourself wavering in the past, look at "what is" in the present time. It will reassure you that this is the right thing to do. Cherish the good memories and set your goal to create more.
Your new chapter: You can finally check that lottery ticket of yours!
Good luck!!
Huge hug filled with compassion!! Xox
Thank you so much everyone.
Bttrfly - that was just - just - beautiful. Thank you so much.
(((((((((((Andrew)))))))))))
Andrew,
You seem like such a great guy. I am sad to read about your D and it's finalization and hoping you get a sense of closure. Happy New Year.
Sending you a big hug (((AP)))...
Thanks for the visit Surv1ve and thanks very much for the hug Coly.
Coly I hope you are doing well. I know you don't feel much like writing these days which I can absolutely understand.
I had a bit of a difficult time yesterday. I came across a heart scrawled on the wall of the basement from probably 20 years ago that my ex left there. I took the paint scraper to it and then had a bit of a sad time while I did the dishes. That is one of the problems with staying in the house. It's pretty rare now though that I run into anything that triggers me.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if I hated her but I can't do that. I'm angry and hurt but that's fading. I don't feel much love for her but I do still from time to time feel the loss of what I thought I had.
I got a note from the old friend that introduced my ex and I about something else. He's still in some contact with her and he mentioned that he doesn't think that things will work out for her in the long term but that I need to focus on myself but to not rush into anything new. SIL1 says that my ex continues her silence on social media. I fully expect that she and her guy will go on another fancy trip soon but not down to see her daughter. I have my own trip to Virginia to see my D and her H booked now for my birthday again in March. It's becoming a nice tradition.
AP—bro hug! This is one of the reasons why I don’t want the house. I don’t feel I could make my peace there. Awesome news about your upcoming birthday trip to see your D.
Seems she has a lot of guilt and can't face your daughter or something. I know you've written before about how long its been. My daughter is 17 and can be a pill, but I can't imagine letting more than months go by without seeing her (she's in college now across the country). I sadly confess to a little delight in hearing from her today about a minor emergency, and the reminder that she still needs her mom to help her navigate sometimes. But lucky for her she has you on her side.
I'm good thanks AP, plodding along! You are correct in that I struggle to update my thread theses days but I do try to keep up to date with my fellow DB'ers.
Saying that, I have put a little update on today which has a similar topic to yours with regards to reminders around the home. It really is the smallest things that trigger the memories.
Have you got anything exciting planned for the weekend?
Journal time - just gossip
Things have continued largely quiet in the land of P.
One Wednesday the doorbell rang after I'd gone to bed and S23 answered it. I heard a strange voice and went down to check and he was being interviewed in the kitchen by the local police. After a small panic on my part he assured me it was about the recent death of a friend and I went back to bed.
"Twenty something" and her most recent boyfriend have broken up and I think I'm up to 10 texts that she's sent me so far today ranting about this and that. I think she's bored and am largely sure that she's not "interested" in me. It's nice to have the contact though. She's a nice kid and I like her.
I had an interesting encounter today that puzzles me because I don't understand women. A colleague of mine here who is single and who I always joked around with teasing her about her youth made a point of telling me today that she's 42 - I had her down as early 30s at the oldest. We then had a nice conversation (as usual) and she had weird body language that I can't really describe. Not sure how to explain it but perhaps she's interested (?) I wish women came with an instruction manual but perhaps if they did I wouldn't be here
I hesitate about dating a colleague though because of possible conflicts of interest and complications in the workplace. There's also the current #metoo question of where the line comes in a workplace between flirting and harassment which makes guys like me uncertain if it's even OK to tell someone that they look good today.
The nice lady I see at the flower shop seems to have suddenly gotten more friendly, or perhaps just needed someone to talk to. She's been having some struggles typical of a single mother of a small child so last weekend I did a lot of listening while I was in to get my weekly roses.
I also got a weird contact from another female friend who happens to be married where after a lot of joking and beating around the bush she suggests that we meet for coffee sometime. I acted oblivious and suddenly had other things to do.
I do wonder at times if what I see as interest is just "being friendly" - this whole making new relationships thing is very confusing to me and presumably to people my age. Life was so much easier in elementary school when you just got passed notes by a friend of the cute girl in your class asking if you wanted to go steady.
I think it's time to get my resume dusted off and start looking for something different. There's some changes in the wind that might make my position redundant - not something that I like the feel of with no spousal safety support net and an obligation for spousal support payments. I had been interviewing at bomb-day but backed away to "save my marriage". I really need a role that doesn't involve 320km of driving each day and that gives me a better quality of life and improved professional satisfaction. I've been here 15 years now which is highly unusual for someone in a technical role.
18 days until I'm off to the Caribbean for a week. 14 days until the earliest day that the divorce my ex started could be final. January has just sped by.
I've been struggling a bit with loneliness. It's tough to not have someone to share life's events with when you were used to that. Not that in the last 20 years my ex really paid much attention, daily conversations were pretty much exclusively about her drama. When we first met one of the things that attracted me to her was that she listened to me talk about my life and seemed to care. I also struggled too with a feeling of WTF - there are still days when I just get all bewildered about why / how. I think things over and know that what happened was truly something beyond my ability to control. The brief conversations I occasionally get to have with S23 are no substitute especially since like his mother he's reluctant to get into anything other than positive feelings and is very closed about his own life. I will be calling D25 on Monday for a chat - it's been a few weeks since I've had a call with my baby girl. We usually talk for a few hours at a time. We were supposed to talk yesterday but she had to work late.
I don't know what's going on in my ex's life. I presume she'll use the money I've been sending her to go on another nice vacation herself with her guy in the next while. As far as I know she's still living alone in her apartment with her dog. Social media continues silent on her part which continues to be unusual for someone who was even more prolific in sharing than I am. I did have some interesting speculation on whether she'll change her name back to her maiden name assuming that if she was truly unhappy that she'd want to dump that.
The weekend should be good. My friend who runs the pastry shop around the corner is back from vacation and I can get my weekly scone again and perhaps a visit. Haircut on Saturday morning - I got out the hedge-clippers and removed the winter beard on Wednesday in preparation for my trip south. Not sure what's on the menu for the weekend. Perhaps steaks on Saturday and maybe a ham on Sunday.
Happy almost weekend!
I wonder if there are places to take classes on dating and flirting for those who have been out of the market a long time? I would have no idea how to do either (and have zero interest at the moment). But there has to be something at least online.
Stay away from needy, flirty, twenty-somethings and find a mature woman with values who knows how to take care of a man. Trust me, women like that exist in abundance.
The dating scene... fun, fun ?? Lol
All i can share with you is my experiences which are not many. I had no problem detecting the gentlemen' s interest in me yet it is as far as it would go. They would hang around with nothing more. Keep in mind that i did not push myself toward them. I had 3 relationship in the past 9 years. All 3 were short lived. I ended all 3. Longest one lasted 9 months.
Those men i considered potential partners because they went above the casual" let have a coffee sometimes".
They were very interested and i did not have to wonder if they were. They showed me.
All the ladies around you are friends and obviously are confortable with you since they are sharing a little more than usual with you. Do not rush in anything. Go with the flow. If one of them is really interested in more, you will know.
If YOU are interested in one of them for more, make your move. Walk in a park? Supper, movie... take it slow..
If you do not feel ready to date and you see their interest, casually mention that it is too soon for you. This way, they do not feel rejected. They' ll know it is a bad timing.. that' s all.. the friendship will go on...
Job wise: how do you feel about business?
I happen to know about a mom&pap store for sale in your neighbourhood.. lol
In all honesty, i wouldn' t mind having more info on it. Are they listed with a realtors? Is there a link to the listing?
Is it a private sale?
Loneliness? ... Hobbies.. anything to keep your mind active in a positive way..
A visit to a relative or a close friend. It feels good to be surrounded by people we love and care about and vice versa.
Loneliness is a shitty positive feeling. It makes us appreciate our time with others even more!
I wish you an amzing week- end. Mine will be spent outside shoveling the 40 plus they called for over the week- end!
I tried the dating sites and the few that I met up with and either had coffee or dinner...well...let's just say that one was looking for a new wife to take care of his 7 kids and the other one was so off the wall looking for someone to take care of him, i.e., mommy style.
Take your time...do some casual meet ups and I agree...stay away from the 20 year olds. They are looking for daddy figures or sugar daddies. You want someone who is a mature and settle individual who enjoys hobbies, etc., just as you do.
Hey AP! I love your updates, very much an insight into a day in the life of AP!
Gosh, the dating scene is a mine field! I don't think I would know where to start! I definitely wouldn't do the on-line dating thing especialky going on Jobs experience!
As exquisitetobe said, take it slowly and enjoy the friendship that these women are offering and maybe something else will developed over time. Good that you stayed right away from married woman who asked you out for a coffee! Sheesh, you definitely dont want that sort of complication!!
Twenty-something sounds like she needs someone to talk to so maybe be there be there for her as a mature shoulder to cry on but I do think it is strange that she texts you!
I am very jealous about your holiday! You will have a fantastic time and it will help you to relax and get away from the cold weather!
Happy weekend AP!!
Here's another good one for you. Like a dumb fool, I agree to go on a blind date. A friend said that this guy was good looking, had a great job and was a lot of fun. So, I agreed to meet up w/him at the local pizza place. I decided to go early and sit in the parking lot to see just what I had gotten myself into. Well, he arrived, but he wasn't good looking, had a rat tail (man of about 60), pants above the ankle and was just all out not a good match. But being the nice person that I am, I went in and had dinner w/him. All he talked about was someone taking care of him, he needed to find a woman to carry on his family name. When it was time to pay the bill (we went dutch), he said he didn't believe in leaving tips. Well, that was about the 5th strike against getting together again. He had the never to say to me upon leaving that he really would love to get together again as he could see us getting together and having fun. Well, to make a long story short...didn't happen and that little adventure has been put away in my life's book. I shook my head and laughed all the way home.
Andrew, what I'm trying to say is to don't judge a book by its cover. You'll have to kiss a lot of frogs along the way in order to find your princess. Look at the dating scene as a way to get out, have some fun and if the date doesn't work out, chalk it up, have a good laugh and move on to the next one.
I am so glad to read that you are planning a holiday away. You've earned the time away.
Hi Andrew,
Oh dating, I have stepped away from that for now, my new thought is that I will come across the right person by chance and I will just know its right.
My venture in to the dating game resulted in me spending a couple of months getting to to know (or not know) a guy who after taking me away for a weekend told me he had been in jail for 3 yrs, got 4 young kids, lives with his mum and has false teeth. It gave my g/friends a laugh if nothing else, i say chuckling as I write this.
Honestly though, if you really fancy someone then you have to swallow a brave pill and ask her out, be prepared that she may knock you back and thats ok, it just means she is not the one for you. I do feel Miss Twenty Something should be one to remain in the friend zone, you are a kind and gentle soul and I can see you are flattered by a young girls attention, its good for the ego, especially one that has taken a bashing like yours has, but please, if you are looking for something long term and meaningful a girlie in her 20"s is not the answer. Only my 2cents, I havent met her so maybe I am wrong.
Flower girl - if something was going to happen with her I think it would have by now. She seems to use you to offload her problems, so I would be cautious in reading anything more than her seeing you as a friendly ear.
Work friend - sounds nice. Inter work relationships can be tricky and are frowned upon for a reason. If you are in different departments and dont see much of each other at work then I see no harm in asking her out for a drink, you may get a more clear vibe off her when in a social setting rather than a work setting. If you work closely together I would think very carefully about asking her out, it could muddy a very good friendship.
I would either try a dating site or just get yourself out there socially, join a club (cooking ...women love men who can cook !!) or catch up with colleagues after work, a quiz night or something, that way you build a social network,more often than not you end up meeting someone new through someone you know.
Its okay to be melancholy occasionally, we tend to put pressure on ourselves to be ok and fine with this life we have found ourselves in, a life we didn't ask for or was consulted on, we were totally blindsided by the one person we never imagined would cause us any hurt. It takes time for your new way of life to become your normal, it will happen, have faith that it will.
I love reading your updates AndrewP, you are real and honest and I thank you for that. You express how you are feeling and I find myself nodding along, understanding what you are describing and feeling. So know that you are not alone, I am along for the ride with you.
Love and hugs to you xoxo
Andrew,
I know that WTF feeling. I think I have it at least once a day. It’s an improvement over the darker thoughts but yes, it’s bewildering.
And the loneliness of not having someone to share the day to day, intimate feelings of your life? Yes, I get that too but you made me laugh when you said almost all the conversations over 20 years were about XW! So maybe it’s missing something you had or is it missing something you never did but wished you had?
Journal time
On Tuesday I got an email from my lawyer including a signed and stamped set of divorce papers. My ex signed them on November 30th and the clerk of the court on January 15th. So - I'm divorced? Or perhaps not until February 14th? When I went over the documents more carefully I noticed that my birthday was wrong on them so sent a note to my lawyer about that but I presume that makes no difference. I continue to be astounded by the number of mistakes on trivial and obvious things that both lawyer's offices made. I can understand my ex not checking the forms carefully because she was undoubtedly under a lot of stress and that's not something she's good at anyway. I also asked about timelines and such. As usual, silence from my lawyer. They're pretty lousy about responding to correspondence which I suppose saves me on fees. I think that there should be a fair amount of the retainer left as I was conscientious about keeping it topped up. Getting that back will be helpful because money is tight right now like it always is at this time of year. I expect that I need to wait until all the final forms are received before asking for that back.
I feel rather ambivalent about it. It's just formalizing something that was the reality I was living anyway. I told S23 in person on Wednesday afternoon when our paths crossed and sent D25 a note via messenger. S23 was ambivalent (I think) and I got a warm virtual hug from D25. In talking to D25 on Monday morning - we have long phone calls as I drive to/from work - she had palpable anger at her mother even though we never talked directly about her. On Tuesday night I'd gone out for a previously planned dinner with a good friend and S23 was out when I got home. Later I heard him talking on the phone - unusual for a 23 year old - and going through the kitchen mentioning that "Dad had been out for a beer with a friend". Perhaps my ex checking up on me? No way to know - doesn't matter.
I've updated my Facebook status with a brief note that essentially just said that it wasn't my choice or doing and received very gratifying expressions of warmth and sympathy mixed with a bit of shock from those who didn't know.
I do feel that the door behind me is now shut and that I can move forward. I did have a phone interview with a possible new employer but the terms of employment (contract) made me uncomfortable and they seemed rather too eager to add me to their "bench" while at the same time having no specifically defined role. Later in March after my vacations I'll ramp things up and reach out to old friends and colleagues to see what I can do to improve my quality of life.
This morning at 6:00 I was woken up by a brief ring of the doorbell. Kids in this neighbourhood don't play games like that and certainly not at that hour. I rolled over to go back to sleep figuring that if it was someone with something important that they would try harder. The house was dark at that time and doorbells on old houses are notoriously unreliable. I did have a thought that it was my ex as that would be a time before she started work that she would be around. When the cats got me up an hour later for their breakfast there was no note nor any sign of anyone. It's been warm here lately with our typical January thaw so there was no snow for tracks.
I've got a good breakfast in me made up of spinach and other left-over veg sauteed with eggs and sausage and a big pot of tea. Lots of errands to do, fresh roses to find, laundry to start and packing for my trip to organize. Assuming I get sleep before leaving for my 6:00am flight it's 10 more sleeps before I find myself on a beach trying to remember the Spanish phrase for "can I have another cup of coffee please".
Have a great weekend everyone!
Hey AP, just stopping by to say 'hi'!
I'm not sure what the legal system is in your neck of the woods but here you submit the decree nisi to the court and unless there are any objections six weeks later you get the decree absolute. Finis ..
It would be interesting to see if XW speaks to your kids about it as well and if they show their feelings to her, but not your problem anymore. Right?
I know I probably read to much in to things but you saying you feel like a door is finally shutting and then the doorbell ringing at six in the morning and you not answering it is spooky!
Your breakfast sounds yummy! Happy weekend AP!
Ah dear Andrew. I'm glad there is no more dreading the papers. Now just the final word and it will be done.
I do think the feeling of being ok with it will take hold once that happens.
So glad for your lovely daughter and the support that she is able to give you. Also it is wonderful that your son has you for a role model.
I hope you find a job you like closer to home that can give you more time to pursue your interests.
I received a note this morning from SIL1 linking me to the obituaries for both of my ex-inlaws. They'd passed on Sunday. The funeral is tomorrow (Friday). They were in a nursing home, they're elderly and it's flu season. I'm not shocked.
As a minor kick in the teeth, my ex's partner and by extension my children's father was listed as OM. I'm not too surprised as I expect the obituary was done up by my ex SIL who I believe gloried in her part in tearing apart my marriage. Not sure what my ex will think of that as she's become an incredibly private person in the last 2 years. I recall her fury on receiving a birthday card from her sister after BD before she moved out addressed to Ms. as opposed to Mrs.
Both kids have deliberately kept this info from me which is annoying but understandable. I'll leave S23 a note in the kitchen and message one to D25 that I know. I don't know if they are planning on attending the funeral or not but I am pretty sure that D25 won't be due at least to logistical issues with her husband being out at sea at the moment. I don't know what S23's plans may be.
It's good perhaps that exquisitetobe brought this topic up a few days ago so I had things figured out. I've sent an email of condolence to my ex passing on my thoughts and prayers, letting her know that I won't intrude but that if she needs anything to ask. I'll pick up cards for my ex and her siblings and pop them into the post tonight.
I did indeed shed a few tears this morning processing this and as I wrote my email to my ex. Tears for the passing of two people that I cared for quite a lot. And yes, tears for what I and my ex have both lost together and my inability to do more for her in her current time of need. I was always her rock during times like this but I was fired from that job.
oh {{{{{{{Andrew}}}}}}} I'm so sorry :'(
I understand, believe me. When we lost exh's Grandma, i was devastated. It's so hard losing someone you love, and having that loss bring up the other fresh losses ... it's a lot. I'm glad you see the cruelty for what it is. Try not to give ex-SIL the cow any extra attention. Anyone who knows the family knows the truth. The rest of the folks don't matter. Such deliberate cruelty. Unreal.
You're such a good, kind man! Yes, we just discussed this recently also, when exh's aunt passed. I was grateful for your input and cards in the mail are kind and unobtrusive, which is best I think, given the crappy situation.
How are your kids with this? Were they close to their grandparents?
xoxoxoxo
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Andrew,
Yeah, that is a big kick in the teeth! And you? You are a fount of kindness in the face of unkindness. I always take note of what you do because it is thoughtful and kind. Fist bump! What did S23 say?
Andrew,
I am so sorry about the deaths of your ex-inlaws. It's interesting how "private" info shows up in obituaries and I am sorry if it hurt to read about the OM. I'm sure your xw wasn't too thrilled to have that news put out there for the public to read, but that's how it goes sometimes.
My condolences to you and your family.
Oh, I'm so sorry to read this as if you're not going through enough right now
Thank you everyone.
bttrfly - I didn't know you had a potty mouth! I like it
I'm sorry that I mixed up who started the discussion about funerals. It was indeed you that had the discussion about funerals. exquisitetobe had the discussion about weddings.
The kids had a distant relationship with their extended family being not really close to either side. We spent more time with their mother's side because that's what their mother wanted but we were more props than participants. Showing up for pictures and the many "must attend" events but otherwise shoved into the background. I hate to label it, but there was a "narcissistic" bent to that familial relationship where we were expected to attend to them but there was little reciprocity. Quite often the kids and I would end up in "old man corner" where I would engage the similarly abandoned father-in-law in conversation. None of his kids had much respect for him and treated him poorly especially because of his rampant infidelity. The kids never spent any time with their grandparents on their own even though they were promised it lots of times.
Gordie - I haven't talked to S23 yet. He was still in bed when I left and I only found out this morning. His sister has read my note and not responded - not really much to say and I expect similar silence from him. I do hope he goes to the service - it is a "duty" after-all. He surprised me yesterday by shaving his head - I think if OM sees him he'll be a bit surprised. He's a kind lad but looking at him you can also see the Provincial kick-boxing medalist he was a few years ago.
job - thank you for your kind thoughts. The exposure may be very difficult for my ex to deal with especially on top of grieving for her parents and the other issues that are sure to come up settling the estate because we expected that to be when her father's illegitimate child(ren) to make an entrance demanding their share. Perhaps her guy will be a rock of support for her like I would have been especially since I had nearly 30 years to prepare, but he's not proven that in the past.
Perhaps this will push her towards that semi-mythical rock bottom we sometimes talk about here. Part of me still wishes to rescue her but the larger part knows that I need to step back and live my own life and grieve privately.
((Westo)) - thank you.
Andrew, I'm so sorry for the loss of your former in-laws. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to lose both of your parents on the same day.
I'm sending warmest thoughts and best wishes to you all.
Xx
(((Andrew)))
My deepest condoleances to you and your family!!
What a shock to read the obituary as written.. I am sure your children won' t be too impress. How insensitive!! Piss me off how outsiders can cause damage to innocent people in relation to their target. People need to realise that their words and actions affect more than one person sometimes.
I am so sorry about all of this!!
My BIL's funeral was yesterday. We had to turn around halfway for road closure. My family thought we had the accident. They did not receive my message. We were on the road all day and did not get anywhere. I' ll post an update on my thread later.. i am currently emotionnally drained..
Andrew, following your thread is comforting. You have so much dignity, composure and kindness.
((( )))
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts.
My ex responded kindly to my email which was nice. I wasn't sure if she would or not. I sent cards to her, her siblings and my daughter on Thursday night. A card for my son I left on the table for him - no sense wasting a stamp. I'll do a donation in the name of my ex in-laws today or tomorrow to their local hospital as my ex suggested.
The shared location app - Life360 - that the kids and I use allowed me limited insight into S23's activities. I think he turned on data to update the location or it may have been coincidental. Don't know, doesn't matter.
S23 left on Thursday and spent the night at OM's house presumably with his mother. No note, no information, no surprise. I texted him that the light was left on for him and there were fresh cookies on the counter. No response, no surprise. Since his dress shoes were still here I expected him to stop by home before the memorial.
Nope - he went to the memorial yesterday and presumably did his duty. I feel bad for him, there would have been a lot of tension and drama even without this being OM's first public viewing as my ex's partner. I'm sure that the gossip mills are in full force in that clan now especially since my ex's siblings were strong enabling forces in her decision to continue her affair. Something I will never forgive them for. Does that make me a bad person, or just human? I'll pick door #2. There is no possible reality I can see where they didn't spread the news that she left that horrible old AndrewP for this guy. Hopefully S23 wasn't around for any of that. He wouldn't take it well.
No response to the text last night again letting him know the light was on for him and that there continued to be cookies, but less than before. He stayed overnight in the city where the memorial was.
Texted this morning about groceries letting him know I would just by extra of the usual. Response to that of OK. He wasn't really close to his grandparents so he's not going to be too broken up about that. I'm very proud of him for doing the family duty, probably needing to be the "rock" for his mother that I would have been. OM hasn't proven to be too reliable in the past from the little I know.
I've been left to mourn alone but I did put up a brief note on Facebook and was overwhelmed with the love and support from friends and family.
3 more sleeps before I am off on vacation. It's callous of me to say this, but it was "convenient" that this happened before so that I could respond in a timely way. I'm somewhat nervous, and like events like this in the past, I feel reluctance to go and "put myself out there" but also know from past experience that when I do that, that it works out well. I'm planning on setting myself a goal of walking at least 10km each day. There are some nature areas I want to explore again, plus the Xanadu bar at the Varadero golf course which is on my "must visit" list each time for a mojito or perhaps two and to enjoy the amazing view that place affords. ExquisiteToBe - If I run out of sun screen, can you pick me some up and bring it down? I still haven't figured out how to put it on my back by myself. "Many" people suggest that I'll just easily find a compliant person to help. Not so sure about that.
S23 will have a quiet week and half by himself in the house with the girls (cats) plus whatever work shifts he may get. The land of precarious and temporary work I think is becoming the norm for many young people. I expect that his mother and her family were nagging at him about "getting a job". I think he'll enjoy the quiet, peace and lack of judgement that he has in our HOME.
Unlikely that I'll update before my trip - everyone please be kind to yourselves - updates in a couple of weeks. Lots of pictures on Facebook for those of you who can see them.
Hope you have a wonderful trip Andrew and I look forward to seeing the photos on FB.
Enjoy!
Andrew,
Be sure to buy plenty of food for the "girls" and hopefully your son will remember to feed and water them daily and clean their litter boxes for them.
Go, have fun and relax...you've earned this vacation!
Andrew {{{{{{{xoxoxoxo}}}}}}}
Safe travels, Godspeed and enjoy your well-deserved down time. Of course you will find willing people to help with the sunscreen challenges
xoxoxo
Andrew - so sorry to hear this news.
Hope you enjoy some much needed R & R. Looking forward to hearing all about your travels.
Andrew, sorry about recent events.
Hoping you have an enjoyable vacation. Relax and recharge.
Andrew,
Be careful with son, as you always are. I believe you when you say he was not close to his grandparents but sometimes when one is upset about one thing (his parents’ D), something unrelated can trigger greater than expected reactions. Enjoy your vacation.
Well - I'm back from vacation and have a few thoughts to share.
I purposely went to a favourite resort that my ex and I used to frequent in Cuba, planning on "reclaiming it" / "re-conquering" it. I'd always liked it although she kept pushing for better and better places - from her point of view. She did get that in 2016 in Mexico which was when and where she dropped the bomb on me. In 2017 she went to Roatan with the money from the joint savings account and OM. No clue where / if she has gone anywhere this year. I liked this place. It was modest and convenient to interesting places. The staff is excellent.
I did forget that there is some critter there that perhaps on my long walks chewed away on my legs giving me another outbreak of cellulitis but that's neither here nor there and I did remember to take insect bite cream and that helped.
The flight and such went smoothly. Traveling alone has some benefits in that you don't have to bother about coordinating with others. I was seated next to a very pretty and pleasant young lady and had a laugh when the flight attendant asked if we were a couple as she handed out forms.
The weather was ideal with warm temperatures and warm tropical breezes - sometimes a bit stiff. The ocean was warm and inviting, an invitation I accepted a few times despite only being a poor swimmer.
There were a few challenges with the stay there of a purely practical viewpoint. Air conditioning that it took them a few days to get working right, the critters that chewed on me (sand fleas perhaps?), but the biggest thing to talk about here were the ghosts. We'd stayed there 3 times perhaps and for the first few days I kept looking around to see where my "other half" was. I'd pass by familiar places in the town and on the resort that we had shared and feel a ghostly presence.
The worst part was the nightmares. A couple of the days I will confess that I had a bit too much from the open bar and just crashed but on a couple of nights, especially the night that the air conditioner failed completely, there were very nasty nightmares, reliving the worst of the old in-house separation days. Perhaps the infection from the bug-bites added to this - don't know. I did have a couple of nights without nightmares, especially towards the end.
So - I went for a "lot" of walks. I still have to assemble the numbers but over the course of the week I walked probably near to 100km. That perhaps didn't help my cellulitis but it helped my mind. I visited the old DuPont estate and had a very warm and healing time in the top floor ballroom listening to a local musician playing jazz with the sound of light surf outside the open window and having a couple of the best mojitos in the known world. I ate a lot of fish being as fresh fish is one of my more favourite things plus it's good for me. I would joke to people that pre-BD and on my ID I looked like a sad walrus, so the sad walrus cavorted in the sea for hours at a time, just drifting around (safely inside the outer sand bar)
I have some good memories and met some very nice people. One evening I took a chance and asked a lady who appeared to be alone if I could join her for dinner at the resort. She was very nice, from Finland and we had a great chat where we talked about a number of things but I did disagree on her thoughts that Canadian hockey was only good because of the Finnish players. She was a bit embarrassed it seemed to mention that she was expecting her first grandchild soon but got a lot more comfortable when I talked about my own wishes for that. There were a couple of groups of people that I met that I would interact with a few times, having a drink with them or going for a stroll as part of the group.
One big difference from prior trips in that last bit was (and it used to annoy me) that my ex would immediately bond to some people on one of these trips or even community events, usually fairly needy people, and we would spend all of our time with them rather than mingling more generally. I always thought this odd since I always figured that my ex was an outgoing extrovert.
A key thing that I realized is that, especially after a few drinks when I was meeting people and chatting with them, that I found myself feeling a need to explain that I was there alone and why. I got a lot of sympathy and a few sad looks from people the next day. I need to stop doing that and actually move on. I know people who have been divorced after infidelity for a decade or more who still talk about it but I need to be conscious of this. I did feel quite uncomfortable though about being alone. Not that I was looking to pair up with anyone, not even the nice lady from Finland. But as a guy of middle years who in any conversation would start talking about his kids and how proud he is of them, it seems awkward to not also explain that "oh-yeah - I'm divorced and it wasn't my idea". I don't want to be perceived as an untrustworthy philanderer. I need to figure this out. I'm sure that 98% of anyone that I encounter doesn't care.
I did have quite a number of people suggest to me before and during the trip that while I was there that I should get a "Cuban girlfriend" - er - no - not interested in that complexity.
While I was there I also did a "lot" of reading - not a lot of other things to do. In addition to some very boring (to others) books I had a copy of CS Lewis' - The Great Divorce. It's a short work that is fascinating and I recommend it to others. It's not talking at all about divorce. What it is instead is a work talking about heaven / hell, perception vs reality, and forgiveness. It may be tricky to find (I have mine electronically) but I do recommend it, especially for those of us later on this journey who tend to the philosophical. I'm not going to give my thoughts on the work to give others the chance to form their own opinions but I did find my mind opened by it in ways that a short work rarely does.
I'm home now and after 2 loads of laundry (was on my last pair of skivvies) crashed for 12 solid hours of sleep getting up once to check my temperature (a bit high). I'm back to work tomorrow.
So - to just conclude, seeing ghosts is difficult. Right now from the perspective I have at the moment, I see that trip as having been a bad idea, not counting the bug bites. I did face my ghosts and they are now smaller I think, but to what long term effect? I don't know. They were a lot bigger than they would have been because of the death of my ex-in-laws a few days prior to the trip and me reaching out to my ex with love and kind thoughts. Did dealing with my ghosts in this fashion help or hurt me in the long term? In the short term, it was painful.
I don't see myself going on a similar trip alone again. No idea what future vacations may hold.
Thanks for listening.
I am glad you arrived home safely. I'm sorry about the Ghosts of the past, but you faced them and now can move forward. It's difficult visiting places where you've been w/your ex, especially places that you enjoyed.
Sorry about the critter bites. Rubbing alcohol may have helped end their biting of your legs...however, hopefully now that you are home, your legs will be feeling better soon.
BTW, you've been missed on the Forum, but we all know how it is and that sometimes you need a break and enjoy life.
Welcome home Andrew, yes you were missed and {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Cellulitis is dangerous - be mindful! xoxoxo stay on top of it. Things can go South with that very very quickly.
You know, I'd guess that with some time (four letter word) and distance you might view this vacation being a bad idea a little differently. As Job said, ghosts faced and you never have to do that again.
I for one am proud of you for doing that. Also, yes, it's awkward and we need to all find a way to present ourselves with being defined by the D. I trust we will figure all that out in the fullness of time.
xoxoxoxo
Happy Valentine's Day !
job / bttrfly - Thank you both for the welcome back. I did have an option to have an expensive and poor quality internet connection while I was away but chose to focus on what was around me, the beautiful surroundings and nice people rather than the wider world. I did try to stay current on news via CNN for a bit each morning while I was dressing but that was it.
Yes - cellulitis is dangerous and I am watching the rash closely. As is usual I did get it and it spread easier this time. I had a fever on Tuesday night that was perhaps related and things seem to be getting better but there are a couple of dark patches that I am watching and taking progress pictures of to make sure I am on top of any changes. Don't want to lose a leg but if I do then perhaps I'll get a parrot
I'm using an over-the-counter anti-itch cream and anti-bacterial cream and seem to be making good progress on most of it.
Part of what this vacation taught me is that many of the choices that were made in the past were made to satisfy someone else. My brothers, their wives and I have talked about this. My brothers and I are all pretty easy-going guys who married fairly dominant women. My oldest brother then is dragged all over the planet to music events and my youngest is busy behind the scenes with his personal trainer wife's business. I think for anything going forward that I need to make sure that my own needs are kept in mind. I do remember joking to a friend that as husbands go, we are the "Samwise Gamgees" of it. Supportive, persistent and always able to find a piece of rope or potatoes.
Valentines was good. Better than expected. I slept in, had a nice soak in tub complete with bubbles then went off and had the second laser session on the tattoo that is related to my ex. It's only small but it will take probably 6 months and $1000 to get rid of - a cautionary tale. Sent her her monthly support payment, updated the books, did more laundry etc. While I was out I picked up some chocolate for S23 and I and when we got home from work I did up some steaks for our dinner. I was surprised by a few things.
First off, the big news that S23 finally has his first part of his driver's license. I'd seen the paper on the counter but didn't say anything. One of the jobs he has with a friend is short on people who drive so his boss actually just announced to him that he was getting his license, drove him to the testing site the same day and it was done. S23 might be able to drive on his own by summer and he will probably take over my old car which is something we've talked about before. I'm very proud of him for doing this at last. Again, this is where there's something I've wanted him to do, encouraged mildly and then he's gone ahead and done it in his own time with no nagging, conflict or stress from "Dad". When I first saw the paper on the counter I thought his mother had nagged him into it and was worried that he'd be angry and resentful about that, but no. No clue what her interaction is with him.
We then had a nice dinner together where S23 was unusually chatty. We enjoyed our dinner listening to some light jazz that I picked up on my trip and S23 talked a lot about some podcasts he's listening to, his work, the driving test, and his views on social media. A very good evening.
Back to work now though.
Thanks again.
Please be careful your medical condition! It's nothing to play around with. Your immune system has taken a huge hit over the last few years and that may be why it spread easier this time around.
I am so happy that your son is taking the huge step of getting his driver's license. He will discover a whole new world will open up to him once he passes the test. That is a huge step forward for him.
Sounds like Valentine's Day was better than usual for you and your son. I'm so glad to read that you both were able to chat up the evening.
Please take care of yourself.
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Songs and Stories From the Far Shore - Verse 4