I've moved myself over from Newcomers. Here's my story -
My husband filed for divorce It's been a couple of weeks since my last post and since then, I've not had any contact with H (8/30 to be exact). I've had my first coaching session and that is where I was told it seems H is going through a MLC, but is there really a difference b/t WAS & MLC? It seems H fits some of the MLC criteria - EA, childhood to adult issues with father, loss of mother, anger and lots of it to name a few.
I guess what I'm wondering is that in the stages of a MLC, it seems like aging is a big part of this. I can't say for certain my H wasn't thinking about this, I don't know. He certainly never said how unhappy he was w/ me, so it is a possibility. What differentiates the two and how you deal with them, does it matter?
My other question is the stages and where H is at. I know some may think I'm trying figure out how much longer I have left of this hell. I promise that's not the case being only 2 months in. I'm really just trying to understand what may have been the starting point. My MIL passed away in '09 and I don't believe H ever truly dealt with that. H has always had a contentious R w/ my FIL & when MIL was dying, FIL emotionally ran. H was very angry at him for that and continued to act out until he finally sought IC for a brief time. Could it be the diagnosis of FIL's dementia in January? Throughout 2016, H chalked up FIL's behavior to him not caring about H or family in general, as was the case throughout his life. He even stopped communicating w/ FIL for 3-4 months. Could this have slowly been brewing since '09?
Back to where things stand today. I know H filed on 7/31 (10 days after leaving the house), but I have yet to be served. I don't think this is a good sign, in that he's waffling. He didn't go to a L to file, just a paralegal, where I think he also paid for a process server. I don't believe he realizes I've never formally been served since our communication is minimal. Who knows? We are coming up on the 2nd time our mortgage being due (Fri) since he left and so far he hasn't paid it. I will pay if I have to, but can only do that another month or two, which will also deplete my savings. I am not for the D, so I will do nothing to move things along. Should he not pay the mortgage, I feel like my hand will be forced. One other side note, the last time we spoke/texted, didn't go well. It was the day he for the most part confirmed OW. He was upset to see workers I had hired at the house and called to "discuss". We ended up angry texting and finally me pulling back, apologizing and validating. Since that point, I have blocked him from my cell. He can still call work phone or email, if he really needs to get a hold of me. Him not paying mortgage could be retaliation... if he's even bothered to reach out. I also believe him posting a pic of him and OW later that evening on social media (page is open) was also retaliation. He has since deleted pic, possibly because his family had seen it (mine did). I don't know if blocking his calls was a good idea or not for him, but for me it was. Right now, it's self-preservation and I just can't deal w/ texts only asking about divorce settlement. There is nothing else. Nothing even about the house or my son (his stepson). He wants nothing to do with me and is trying to erase me and anything to do with me from his life. It's hurtful, so it was the easiest way for me to get some space.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmMichele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I see that Cadet has already provided you w/the homework for our MLC Forum. Please read the homework because each and every thread has some valuable info for you.
In the MLC world, depression is the main ingredient of MLC. Yes, aging and dying scare the living daylights out of them. When they enter MLC they need to go back to a time in their childhood whereby they were emotionally stunted by someone in authority, i.e., parent, teacher, relative, minister/priest, etc. So, what you are going to be dealing w/is a man/child, or should I say a teenager at some point.
What happened in the last 18-24 months? Yes, your MIL passing about back in 09 could have been a slight trigger, but something has happened more recently...birth/death of a child, promotion/demotion, health issues, changing jobs, etc.
As for where he's at in MLC...sounds like he's just taking off in the replay arena. Keep in mind the stages are just a guideline to help you better understand the behavior better...but they aren't linear, and they could bounce back and forth in the stages for a long time. This is not a sprint...but a marathon.
You were deal w/MLC or WAS the same way...give them plenty of space to choke on, don't discuss relationship issues, keep your expectations at zero, and above all else....get your finances in order, i.e, new checking/savings account and credit cards (if they are currently joint).
Keep the focus on you and your family and dig deep for patience as this didn't happen over night...but gradually and it's going to take a while for him to face his issues, deal w/them and accept that there are things from his past that he will never be able to repair and that were not his fault.
Keep posting...others will come along. I suggest that you visit the threads, both new and old because they all have valuable info.
Welcome to the board. There are a lot of good caring people here. Congratulations on taking that step to improve things.
I would move sooner rather than later in regards to finances. Protect yourself. Move forward with the idea thath will give no money until a separation agreement is in place and he has to. Maybe he will but best be ready.
The OW is not the problem but until she is gone things cannot improve.TThat has to happen naturally. You cannot speed it up. That is a long conversation but you can find it in threads here.
This process is slow,so knuckle down for a long haul. Forget about H for now. Focus on taking care of you. Until you are in a good place other stuff cannot be worked on.
Best wishes
LA,
Agree with Roist. Assume he won't pay the mortgage and do what you need to do. Do you have kids? Do you have equity in the home? If you can't afford it on your own, consider your options. Hugs to you. Re filing and not getting served, it seems like a lot of the MLCers here have a hard time actually doing all of the legal work necessary for d so this could take years. Re blocking him on your cell for self preservation, you have to do what you have to do to preserve your sanity. You are the best judge of that.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I see that Cadet has already provided you w/the homework for our MLC Forum. Please read the homework because each and every thread has some valuable info for you.
Being new to this forum, the homework has been a huge source of information. It almost makes my head spin, but has given me so many a-ha moments.
In the MLC world, depression is the main ingredient of MLC. Yes, aging and dying scare the living daylights out of them. When they enter MLC they need to go back to a time in their childhood whereby they were emotionally stunted by someone in authority, i.e., parent, teacher, relative, minister/priest, etc. So, what you are going to be dealing w/is a man/child, or should I say a teenager at some point.
Yes, H is an irresponsible teenager. I am really getting that full force right now.
What happened in the last 18-24 months? Yes, your MIL passing about back in 09 could have been a slight trigger, but something has happened more recently...birth/death of a child, promotion/demotion, health issues, changing jobs, etc.
H and FIL always had a contentious relationship. FIL is a Vietnam Vet and suffers from PTSD. H never felt like he lived up to FIL's expectations and FIL was an absentee parent, leaving much of the child-rearing up to MIL. H resented FIL for this and resented FIL's absence when MIL was dying and always prioritizing any veterans activities over family. Over the last 2 years H was seeing behavior in FIL that was affecting him quite a bit. FIL would choose to not spend time w/ H or family over attending a veterans event or just nothing in general. H began IC and anger mgmt classes and ultimately went to maybe 12 sessions over 1.5-2 years. Summer of '16 w/ IC, H decided to set "boundaries" for FIL's behavior and decided to distance himself. This went on for maybe 4-5 months. I came home one day to find FIL also unexpectedly pulling up at our house. FILs behavior was odd and H, finally came outside to say hello and also noticed behavior. After that point, H decided to work with SIL to convince FIL to see Dr. In Jan '17, FIL was diagnosed with dementia and I believe this is really when things started to take a turn for H. He says he's come to terms w/ never being able to resolve issues w/ FIL because he no longer has ability. When someone claims this too many times, you begin to feel like they're trying to convince themselves.
As for where he's at in MLC...sounds like he's just taking off in the replay arena. Keep in mind the stages are just a guideline to help you better understand the behavior better...but they aren't linear, and they could bounce back and forth in the stages for a long time. This is not a sprint...but a marathon.
In my younger years, I was a runner... in my older years, not sure how well I can go the distance and I'm only 2 months in.
You were deal w/MLC or WAS the same way...give them plenty of space to choke on, don't discuss relationship issues, keep your expectations at zero, and above all else....get your finances in order, i.e, new checking/savings account and credit cards (if they are currently joint).
We don't see one another and only text when he initiates. That is until I blocked him end of August. Today was mortgage due date and I had to pay. I will wait for the 22nd (10 year anniversary - ouch) and unblock him, then begin discussions on selling the house we just moved into end of April (double ouch). Luckily or not, we have maintained separate finances. I have begun to discover some 401k withdrawals I was unaware of.
Keep the focus on you and your family and dig deep for patience as this didn't happen over night...but gradually and it's going to take a while for him to face his issues, deal w/them and accept that there are things from his past that he will never be able to repair and that were not his fault.
I am really trying. I think I am doing a decent job of holding things together, but the loneliness is at times, palpable.
Keep posting...others will come along. I suggest that you visit the threads, both new and old because they all have valuable info.
Yes, I guess lost in reading some of the old posts because there is so much. Time marches on, but the stories remain the same. Thank you for your time in providing thoughts on my sitch.
Welcome to the board. There are a lot of good caring people here. Congratulations on taking that step to improve things.
Thank you roist. In my short time here, I have definitely seen and felt the caring. It is much appreciated!
I would move sooner rather than later in regards to finances. Protect yourself. Move forward with the idea thath will give no money until a separation agreement is in place and he has to. Maybe he will but best be ready.
H paid the mortgage for one month after he left, but it's the 2nd month and nothing. I don't believe he will go for a separation agreement. It's D or nothing for him, even though he's yet to serve me. The reason I blocked his text is because he only texted to offer settlement #'s, which he's pulling out of the air. I refused to discuss w/ him until I consulted w/ a L. I have twice and will be speaking w/ a 3rd next week. I believe he wants me to agree to a # and not go through a L - not happening.
The OW is not the problem but until she is gone things cannot improve.TThat has to happen naturally. You cannot speed it up. That is a long conversation but you can find it in threads here.
OW is not the problem - easier said than lived. Ultimately, in the deepest part of my brain, I know this though. It is beyond hurtful and I tell myself the odds of it lasting aren't great. Whether right or wrong, at this point in time, it is a small consolation.
This process is slow,so knuckle down for a long haul. Forget about H for now. Focus on taking care of you. Until you are in a good place other stuff cannot be worked on
. I am working on this with IC, trying to GAL (gym, being w/ family and friends). I just realize this time of year is going to be difficult w/ 10 year anniversary next week, son's bday (why does OW share this date?) & my bday next month, and then the holidays. It's a mountain for sure.
Best wishes
Gordie,
I assumed he wasn't going to pay and just made the payment myself. The $ is hard enough to part w/ put the realization of what he is trying to do is even harder.
I have a son from a previous R, but H was the only father-figure my son knew. He considered him his son until he didn't. I was a very young mom, so my son is grown and recently moved away to finish college (3 weeks after H left). The week before son left, I told him what was going on, since son didn't live w/ us. He was dumbfounded, angry, and sad. He decided to text H to see if they could talk and H said yes and called him. Had my son not called him, I'm not sure H would have ever communicated with him. Clearly running, avoiding. Since that one convo, he still hasn't reached out to him, even though he said he would.
Re. home, we've only owned it since April. Not much equity if any for that period of time, but we did do a full re-model of the kitchen, master bathroom and other cosmetic repairs that should increase the value. I can't sustain the mortgage, all of the home expenses, my 401k loan repayment for the renovations and my daily living costs alone. It's just too much and he knows this. I am dipping into savings which isn't that much. I will need to begin conversations about selling. This is the frustrating part, along with his lack of ability to file/serve properly. One of his reasons for leaving was my controlling nature. I understand this is how he perceived it and it's valid to a point, but much of this controlling centered around $ and responsibility. I was trying to make good decisions for the long-term. Yes, had we communicated, it is something we definitely needed to work through to strike a balance. In the here and now, if this was a legal issue we were in together, I would do all of the work. We took someone to small claims and in purchasing our home, I did all and then the majority of the work. At this point, I am resolute in saying I will not do the same in the D. Why should I when he wanted this? These are his consequences. I'm sure when it comes to selling the house, I will do most of the work as well. Now, with D - How to not be resentful? How to strike a balance?
Yes, blocking him on my cell was self-preservation. When your H can only communicates with you via text and those text only request that you agree to a $ amount that you know isn't fair or real, how do continue to just accept that?
Hi
sorry you find yourself here
MLC is baffling..It is not about you though it is him
His texting about money--I would either ignore or simply state that the matter has to be handled legally and fairly
The MLCer may want things his way...they no longer care about the LBS or the children
They are in a crises it is real sometimes fueled worse by addiction and unresolved childhood issues
they run from their pain and all resposibility
IT is not your fault nor can you fix him or get thru to him
I got a free consultation with a very good L
He made me aware of everything I was entitled to..I did this for information so I knew if it came to that
I didn't file eventually XH did..It took him about 2 years to file
so I would encourage any LBS to seek legal advice so you are prepared just in case
do not agree to anything
the MLcer would want to call the shots and financially not pay at all
I know a gal who trusted her XH in this and signed an agreement written by him
where she agreed to not take anything
she lost it all and her house as well
when It comes to D and property and alimony
it changes from a Marriage to a business deal
Do what is best for you and your S
MLC takes a long time and sometimes they never return to normal
all the best
peace
Thank you for your response peace.
At this point, I am choosing to ignore his texts. Anniversary is this week & I will be going out of town. I will unblock his phone when I return. At that point, I will need to address the house situation.
He definitely does not care about anything and that includes me, my son, the house, etc. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it is what it is.
I've had two consultations and am working on scheduling a third. They were very preliminary and time was limited, so I know I need to keep interviewing until I find one I feel comfortable with. H is definitely trying to call the shots and what's even more unbelievable about that is he's trying to make decisions based on nothing. I don't trust H as far as I can throw him. Just because I still love him, doesn't mean I'm blind to what he's capable of. These last 2 months have really showed me I can't close my eyes to anything.
I appreciate your thoughts and reinforcement that I need to protect myself. It is sad things have to come to this.
LONG Update: Even though H & I are not communicating, this weekend was still emotionally draining. S came home from school for a visit, so I was happy about that. H is the only father he's ever known, so I worry about how S is dealing with all of this. He's very much like me, private & keeps emotions inside. In the past, I avoided some conversations w/ S for fear of making him feel uncomfortable (and probably myself too). An example that caused a big problem for H & me, I never changed my maiden name & was a sore issue for H. My reasoning was that I didn't want H & me to have one name and S to have another and not feel like part of our family. I never asked S how he felt & when he was younger I still don't know how I would have felt discussing with him. As I got older, I should have brought it up. H told him the one time they spoke since he left, that it was an issue for him. I discussed w/ S and he very nonchanlantly said, If you would have wanted me to change my name, I would have. Uh! Talk about regret for something so simple. Anyway, after realizing I have a tendency to do this, I decided to bring up what's going on and see how son is coping. He's doing relatively well, but is definitely upset. Has a lot of harsh, valid things to say about H and his choices. This will go down as a 180 for me.
Since H left, I have also only had contact with SIL 3 times on text. Yesterday she called me in the morning to ask if she could stop by with two of MIL's closest friends. Since MIL's passing, we have remained in contact with her close circle of friends. I wasn't sure they knew what was going on prior to them coming over. It was an extremely emotional meeting. I was able to discuss with them my feeling H in MLC. I explained what he has done and how it relates to the stages. Light bulbs were going off for SIL, who has been witness to much of this. They are not surprised by him being in MLC, given his childhood history with his father. They just can't believe his behavior, from A to financial choices. SIL has told me H has brought OW to FIL's home and tried to bring her to a family gathering. After taking OW to FIL's house, SIL told him not to bring her around anymore and said she was not welcome at her house. This is beyond hurtful and crazy to me that he's already trying to bring her into the family when we are still married.
With that being said, I feel fully supported by them which is nice. I feel for SIL, because I know at some point this may end for me, but she will be dealing with this for long after. SIL and both friends told me I should just be done with H. He is far too damaged to turn things around and I shouldn't accept this behavior. I have also heard from my brother the same, but he also feels like I am using MLC as an excuse for H. I've told brother that's not the case, but that understanding MLC helps to explain the behavior. I'd still have so many ? if not for this. Has anyone else experienced this and how have you helped them understand the need to know?
This Friday will be 10 year anniversary. I will be out of town at a music festival with brother and his gf. I'm so thankful they've invited me and I'm sure the day will be tough, but much easier with this distraction. I had a friend ask today how I felt about this looming date and admitted the difficulty but said in some ways I don't even feel like it's my anniversary. There's nothing to celebrate this day anymore and doubt I'll hear from H. There's nothing to celebrate on a wedding anniversary if there's only one person acknowledging the marriage. I just hope I can really deal with the day and move on.
Is the mortgage in his name?
I understand not wanting to file but what is best for you?
I understand wanting to confide in family but you can't expect others to understand. It's incomprehensible to most. One of my family tried to give unhelpful advice and I cut them off and told them I just want them to listen.
The mortgage is in both of our names. Before we purchased the home, we agreed he would pay the mortgage and I would pay all other bills relating to the home (gas, electrcity, water, etc.) as well as a loan I took out for home renovations. Even as recently as a month ago, he said he'd still take care of it. I'm not surprised by his given all that has happened
Legally/financially I don't know if this holds any baring on our situation. He has already filed, just not served me, so I would think that would take care of that. Emotionally/mentally, I'm not there yet. I feel like he wants this, he should see the process through. I will be doing enough getting the house ready to sell and just dealing with this mess in general, I shouldn't have to worry about that as well.
I know only those who have experienced the same will understand. They mean well and aren't pushing anything on me, but I just wondered how others react who aren't in the know when you try to explain MLC.
Why should you have to get the house ready to sell?
Why should you have to clean up after his mess?
I can't really afford the house on my own. If he's not willing to pay the mortgage, I can only do so for another 2 months. I don't see any other alternative other than getting a roommate, which I don't think he'd go for. He wants to keep the house if I'm not (over my dead body will he play house w/ OW in what should have been my house). So if we're at a stalemate, it seems the only alternative is to sell.
To be honest, I have been getting the house ready to sell only because we were already doing renovations. When he left I continued in order to protect the value of the house. However, I will not clean up his mess. He can do that all by himself. He's taken a lot of his things with him but has left a lot at the house. I'm not a fool, he'll have to worry about that.
Why, why, why??? Because he has another OW, and things are great outside of his wife, my son, the house, his sister, his father, life responsibilities and anyone/thing else he feels is giving him grief. I ask myself why? all the time.
I'm new to this and really just trying to figure out my options. Has anyone else been in this predicament (in terms of the house)? Anything I'm not seeing or missing that I should be doing?
Do you have a good lawyer?
Don't burn all your limited cash and savings on that mortgage.
If you can emotionally detach from the house, it may be advantageous to give it to him and have him buy you out of your equity.
I don't have a lawyer yet, but I've had two consultations and will be going for a third next week. I got a good vibe from this last one, so we'll see what happens when we speak.
That's my problem - I'm scared to burn through my savings. I could easily get a roommate, be able to afford the house and keep it for a bit longer. That would be the smart thing to do because I'm also nervous about tax implications. H doesn't care about any of this. At this point, I can't detach from this house. It's not the house per se, it's the idea of our future/dreams cut down, H trying to use our dream w/ OW. Also part of down payment was a gift from MIL & SIL was also upset when H told her he wanted to keep our house. MIL didn't give us that & for H to then live in it w/ OW.
As I've done a little investigating and discovered some of H's poor financial choices, I don't believe he could afford to buy me out. We've only had the house since April, so not much equity, if any. SIL and I both think if he would try to buy me out, he'd ask FIL for $ and that's not going to happen either. All of this is unknown right now, so I won't have real answers until I get an attorney and have the house appraised. I feel so unsure about which direction to go, [b][/b] especially because I don't know what H's reaction will be to all of this. Not paying the mortgage feels very aggressive to me, so I can only imagine what's to come.
A lot of MLC is in the unknowing state
Not knowing what to do
whats going to happen
its a long wait to watch unfold
getting as much information and watching H movements back and forth
GAL
and
at the same time grieving , counseling, working on self, finding new activities and friends, dealing with MLCer craziness
for some of us going out to work for the first time in a while
raising kids alone
its all new and it takes time
so just keep going doing as you are , trusting your instincts, getting information and watching the situation
watch the credit cards if you share joint accounts, try to separate finances because they will rack up debt and yes they have their new dreams with the ow, it hurts but its all part of the crises
and
I can tell my XH had all the same dreams with his new younger wife back at the start of MLC
fast forward to now many years later-
he is is miserable and wanting to divorce her but has no where to go and no one left in his life
Hang in their friend
Thanks peace.
Your parting words of "Hang in there friend", so simple but much needed. Today would have been 10 year anniversary. Sad for the old, loving memories of what was, but I'll get through.
The unknowing is plain and simple horrible. His choices have put me in this state. At times I feel somewhat paralyzed by what's the right way to handle things. It's just not a place I thought I'd ever be, caused by H's decisions.
I know I won't feel this way forever and am slowly pulling myself out of this hole. Having still not been served, it's daunting to think I have a minimum of another 6 months (divorce process) to go through this. Ha! As if this stops with just the legal process.
I appeciate input from the vets who have gone through this and can offer words of support. The clearer eyes to provide advice from a place of, "I know, I've been there", are invaluable. I see it in the eyes of friends and family who only see me going through this, but truly can't relate. I know I have to be true to myself and do what's best for me and my sitch.
I write this from a hotel room in Las Vegas. I am a third wheel with my brother and his gf for a weekend trip to get me the h@ll out of my house to forget about today. I hope it works for the most part. It doesn't even feel like my anniversary, which is just sad. When I return, I will work on what to do with my house. My thought is to email H, tell him since he failed to pay mortgage I cannot afford the mortgage and house expenses much longer. I will be having the house appraised and my brother will be listing the house. If he doesn't want brother to represent him, he will need to find realtor to co-list. I'm angry he's failed his obligation and want to be stern, but know I need to tow the line. Any thoughts on the best way to word this?
LAJar, I can only offer support to you. I don't know what or how to broach the subject with your H. My BD was 7/2016 so I am about a year ahead of you on this journey, but I promise that it does get easier as you find the "YOU" that has been put on the back burner for the last many years.
Stand for as long as you can and then lean on others when you need to. You are in the right place for support from people who do indeed know what you are going through. They can help deal with the batchitcraziness that our MLC'ers show.
I don't know your entire background, but I will read through it and keep you and your family in my prayers. Enjoy your trip.
LAJar, welcome to MLC forum. I was reading your updates and some things stroke some similarities to my story.
S came home from school for a visit, so I was happy about that. H is the only father he's ever known, so I worry about how S is dealing with all of this. He's very much like me, private & keeps emotions inside. In the past, I avoided some conversations w/ S for fear of making him feel uncomfortable (and probably myself too). An example that caused a big problem for H & me, I never changed my maiden name & was a sore issue for H. My reasoning was that I didn't want H & me to have one name and S to have another and not feel like part of our family. I never asked S how he felt & when he was younger I still don't know how I would have felt discussing with him. As I got older, I should have brought it up. H told him the one time they spoke since he left, that it was an issue for him. I discussed w/ S and he very nonchanlantly said, If you would have wanted me to change my name, I would have. Uh! Talk about regret for something so simple.
I also have a son from my previous marriage, who my H raised since he was 8. My H never had kid son his own. My son knows his biological father, but there never was and still is not much contact with him, as he lives in a different country. My son’s father never contributed anything for my son. My H was the only father my son knew. I never took the last name of my son’s father, so we had different last names when I married my second H. I took his last name. When my son was 10, we asked him if he would want to change his last name to H’s. He said yes, so we did. We all had the same last name.
Well, this was a subject to some concern after H left. At some point in the first year after the speech and him leaving, he brought up a subject of divorce and along with that mentioned that I would probably would want to change my last name back to my maiden name. Not sure why it was his concern at all, but made me thinking… Mind you, it’s been 5 years since BD, and he hasn’t filed. I thought about the name change and decided that I am going to keep H’s last name for now, for my son’s sake.
My son is also very private person and doesn’t reveal his feelings and thought much. I’m worried about him. Even though he is an adult (he was 24 when H left), I think he “lost” the person he considered to be his father. There was not much communication from H with my son in the first 2-3 years after the BD. There is not much now either (since my son is an adult), but I think it got better.
It is great that the family supporting you. And it is also so typical for them to not understand all the MLS stuff and advice you to get out of this situation and move on. I’ve been there… Even had some heated discussions with my family.
I don’t really know how to advise you on the house. I didn’t have the same situation. I was a main breadwinner, and I could afford the house, which I still have. H singed it off to me in the first year after BD (I guess he didn’t want to be in this house and deal with it so badly, LOL), and I took it.
I second peace’s “hang in there friend”… and GAL advice. I personally think you are doing much better than I did at the beginning of my story. Take care of yourself.
SBJ, Thanks for your words and you know, just like the rest of us here, support is worth more than anything now. My head knows this will get easier, but my heart is having a harder time catching up on that one. Despite everything, I'm enjoying my little weekend getaway. It's a new place to be, on a trip solo. I'm taking it for what it's worth and consider it a growth opportunity, peaking outside of my comfort zone a bit and of course enjoying myself away from the crazy.
Bright, We are in a tough predicament with H and son. It's funny, both of our son's are adults, but wanting to protect them never goes away and is why we're moms. I'm sad to see even after 5 years, your H still has limited contact with son. Although, I'm glad to see it did improve a bit. I just don't understand this aspect of the MLC. It was so important for H to have that name, to consider us a family, but you put it to the test and this is what he does?! It's unbelievalbe. Also looking at the strained relationship b/t H and FIL, you would think he wouldn't do to someone else what's been done to him. His problems are with me, so he thinks, and not with son. Even as I write this, I know not speaking to son or my family is to protect himself. They would cause him to look in the mirror and face what he's really doing. Guilty, coward.
Re. family and their support, I shut it down when anyone tries to push for D. #1, my sitch is so new, I'm still trying to figure things out. #2, I have said, in no uncertain terms, I am married and take my vows seriously. I couldn't/wouldn't drop him as easily as he's done to me. However, I would never take H back so easily either. It couldn't just be an I messed up, I'm coming home. I would need him to acknowledge and actively address his issues (as would I). No going back to the illusion of our good marriage. This is all just what if's, since none of this is happening now.
The house issue is a big one. Since I see another L on Thursday, I hope to get some options on how to handle it best. If I do need to contact H, I think I'm just apprehensive about his response. The perceived anger and animosity (very public affair, not paying mortgage, zero contact) I feel from him is painful. However, the house and what I need to do should be pretty black and white. He's the breadwinner, but you wouldn't know it from his poor money management. I wish H would just sign it off to me, it would allow me to do what I need to do without H making decisions based on his emotions for me.
A question for you Bright, since I haven't had a chance to read up on you yet, how have you been able to do this for the last 5 years? Is no D yet because he hasn't done it and you are against it? I give you a lot of credit, because no matter what, it couldn't be easy.
My IC told me that he also though I was handling this relatively well. It scares me though that maybe I'm delusional and only trying to wait out this OW and MLC. In some ways probably, but I guess at the end of the day, if he pulls the trigger, I have no say in that and I'm not at the place where I'm interested in filing.
I appreciate your echoed sentiments. Believe me, I'm trying to hang in there. I think so far, this weekend is a GAL success. Thank you again.
Hey LAJar,
It was very tough for me for the first couple of years. People would say that I handled this just fine, but I was a big mess inside. I think my heart finally stopped pounding after the 2 and ½ years after BD. I could not eat (last a lot of weight) and was barely able to function in everyday life. I was a consultant for a long time and had to travel for work. I was able to hold on to my last contract and still do the job after H delivered BD, for about a year. Then my contract ended and I was not able to find a new one for a year. At that time, I already had my house on my name (H singed it off to me in the first year after the BD) and I was afraid that I had to sell it because I could no longer pay the mortgage. I finally applied for a full time job and it saved me.
H brought up a D subject a couple times during the first year. He told me that we could file online and get it done quickly. I told him that he could go ahead and file online or whatever other means he thought appropriate and send me the paper work, so I could forward it to my lawyer. He was surprised and asked me if I already had a lawyer. I said that I interviewed a couple at that time. He never followed on this though. He never filed. I haven’t either. I don’t really need an official D right now, as I have a pretty good life and the whole D process could be a lot of stress, plus I think that he needs to do it himself and see all the way through if he really wants it.
When H left, he made a decision for both of us… That I would retain the house, and he would get the condo in Mexico, where he desperately wanted to live. Well, he can only live there for about 4 months of the year, in the Winter, because he has to work for living, and he works in another state (up North), not the state I live in. This condo is still on both of our names (mortgage and the Mexico trust). He pays the mortgage. But, I still can come over and stay in there, when he is not there, of course. I think this condo is what it holding him back from filing for D. It would not be that easy to transfer it to his name.
But, I don’t really know what is holding H back from filing… There was never an OW as far as I know. He might have had some casual Rs, but there was nobody permanent. He might just like the status quo… Sometimes I think that no OW is actually slows things down, LOL. He is still holding on to a hope that he can find that perfect “harmonious” relationship that he thinks he needs (obviously, I was not the one to provide it for him.)
We also still have a lot of things in joint accounts, including the car insurance. I give H an exit option every year, but he chooses to stay on the same policy. We also have a joint business.
Anyway, there are a lot more details in my sitch, but I don’t want to highjack your thread. All I can say, that it gets easier. And some people are able to move on a lot faster than others. I’m not one of these people. I still experience sadness about what happened to us. It is still hard to believe that H did this to us. But, like I said, I have a good live and this journey thought me a lot! I’m very different person from when I was 5 years ago.
My heart goes out to you… I know how difficult it is, especially in the first year. But, one thing that should be done no matter what, is taking care of your financial stuff. I absolutely agree with others here that you should think business when it comes to D and all other financial matters. I know it could be difficult, but need to protect yourself. MLCers could set so hard on D, but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the word. There are so many stories here about MLCers who divorced their spouses, but regret it years later. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. They learn it sooner or later.
Peace,
I'm glad to see it gets easier. I can't imagine living years on end like this, with the sadness, anger, confusion, disgust and I could go on... It's amazing to see the chaos MLCers leave behind. I would suspect that a good portion of LBS were going along just fine in life, at least financially speaking. Then in the blink of an eye, falling into the complete unknown. Although, for you getting that job after you last contract must have felt great after what you'd already been through.
At least your H did you a favor and signed the house over to you. If only my H was so "kind", life would be so much easier. As if any of this is easy! I know I can't pull H away from OW, but H messing with my financial future is just crazy to me. We held off for so long before finally deciding to purchase a home and to have it all come crashing down only 3 months later, I still find it hard to believe.
You may be able to relate, but I think many believe because we didn't have biological children together, it should be easier to move on. Emotionally it is all the same. We just don't have the messiness of child support or custody. I would have thought helping to raise son would have tied H to him, but I know that's not the case with MLCers and their bio children.
At this point, I'm not moving on from my marriage either, I'm just trying to continue on with life. I don't have the ability to lay in bed all day being depressed. I have to get up, look presentable and function at work. Of course, the weekends are a whole other story. Emotionally, this is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in life. I can see being the same as you, in that years later I would still get sad by the turn in our R. I can't stop thinking how unbelievable it all is. And yes, with your H, OW would probably have sped up the process. Although, thankfully it spared you more grief. Seeing H move on so easily with OW is painful beyond belief.
It helps to come here and read what other newbies are dealing with and getting advice, insight and compassion from the vets. I'll say it over and over again, no one can really relate unless they've been through it.
Bright, That last response was to you. Just realized I mixed up my responses!
Every thing in this process takes time. More time than we'd like. From what I have noticed, rushing stages or shortening efforts never gives long term results. Quick fixes are temporary.
I am not just talking about the DB process, but also our emotional well being and self improvements. You will feel better. It will hurt less. Each step you take will bring you closer to that.
It has been said by many learned people that happiness ( and love)are a choice. It only takes seconds to make that choice. Once made you live your life that way. Sounds simple and I suppose for some it is. Google Excel at Life.they have many articles and podcasts about happiness, stress etc. I found it very insightful and helpful.
As long as you are focused on feeling better and improving, you are moving forward. Moving on is completely different.
This is definitely the worst thing I have gone through too. I wasn't ready for it and it kicked my ass early on. With each knock down.we get to choose to get back up. Having another focus is the incentive we need. None of us here are perfect at navigating this phase of our lives. This community helps us do that.
Best wishes
Roist,
Time. The days are going by, but as a whole it feels so slowly. I keep saying the last two months have felt like two years! I am doing my best to GAL - going to the gym, IC, when possible spending time with friends and family. I am feeling hopeful about a new course I am planning on taking to possibly start a side business. It is something I've wanted to do for a while and now seems like a good time to jump in. It will give me a great distraction, new potential income, meet some new people and just overall improve on myself.
I thank you for the Excel at Life site. I was struggling with how to more actively be introspective, really look at my part in the breakdown of our marriage and find ways to make changes. This will be a good place to start. I'm all about the reading that leads me to think.
I was so not ready for this. Just a few days before H left, we had a normal weekend - had a nice dinner at a new restaurant, took care of house stuff together, watched tv together. Just normal married stuff, until I picked at him and he got mad. I know if it wasn't this time it was going to be another.
I do choose to get back up, I just wish it was a bit easier and I wish it wasn't alone.
VENTING SESSION: So today I went for a consultation with a third attorney. She doesn't do litigation, but specializes in collaborative, mediation, and 3-step divorce process. I felt really good about her because she was very thorough about all three of those options. As much as an attorney can, she doesn't seem like she's just trying to make money off this horrible process, which is why she no longer litigates. I can hire her to get through as much of the process as possible, if it looks like H and his L won't budge, she will pass me off to a litigator. That was a new revelation, paperwork was filed for H's new L, which I saw for the first time when she pulled up our case file. I also saw yesterday that H ended up paying the mortgage and ended up hitting for October, since I paid September's when he failed to do so. My guess is his L advised him to make that payment. My heart fell when I saw that he hired a L. BD was 10 weeks ago, PA has moved along so quickly from meeting her family to a weekend trip and taking her to FILs house. Through my own investigative work, I don't believe anything was going on for more than a month before BD. H is very impulsive, so I can see how he could fall so quickly for someone else who is doing all the right things, then move forward with D also quickly. I am just so upset that he is making such rash decisions that will have such long lasting effects on my life and my son's.
That's another thing, even though S is 26, I still worry so much about how this is affecting him. He's told me he's fine, but I know that's not true. How could it not, when you've never had your bio dad in your life and this is the only father you've known?! Spoke to S today and SIL texted him for the first time, but he never responded. He said he doesn't blame her for H's choices, he just didn't know what to say to her and he said he just doesn't want to think about it. Not that he has to think about it 24/7, but saying you don't want to think about it, doesn't seem like you're fine either.
Most likely will hire this L, which I feel as good as I possibly can about this impossibly shitty situation. I know the most important things is to protect myself, but I just feel really helpless at this moment. I kept on feeling like I was holding it together for the most part, but was worried I might be in a little denial and that's why I was holding it together. Denial that he would move forward w/ divorce process since I still haven't been served and he didn't have a L. Now that he has a L (not just a paralegal) I'm sure I'll be served soon. Now that I'm actually dealing with the divorce process, I'm really emotional. Since I have no communication with him, I was just pretending he doesn't exist - out of sight, out of mind. Not easy, but easier than the alternative. I keep on thinking, He's stolen my happy.
I hope my stream of consciousness makes some sense.
Hey LAJar, I just got caught up on your thread.
I see so many similarities with our sitches. My D is not my H's biological Dad either and I kept my name after marrying H so it could be the same as D's. During our married life we kept a lot of things separate like bank accounts etc and I always wonder if this has made it easier for him to leave. Although my xH supports D financially she has not seen him since she was six so H is the only Dad she knows. I know she really misses him but she is still very angry and refuses to see him.
I also pay the mortgage on my own although I earn much less than H but I don't want to sell the house. I was so worried all the time, like there is the sword of Damocles hanging over me with what he will decide next year when our mortgage comes up for renewal. However the other day something just clicked and I thought why should it be up to him! So I have made some decisions for myself so when the time comes I will be in control of my life and not just wait for him to make a decision for me.
I am sorry you found out that H has retained a lawyer. Again I wonder if this is retaliation from finding out you have sought advice? It all seems very petty from his side. It's also amazing that he can throw the baby out with the bath water and do everything so quickly for someone he hasn't known for that long! A,though we don't know for sure if this A will ,art it does seem line he is going at a hundred miles an hour so at some point he will slow down and have to face all the things that have happened.
My H has said nothing about getting a D except at the beginning of the sitch when I told him if I was that bad a wife then why doesn't he go ahead and D me and he said I should do it because he has been terrible and abandoned me! They are so lazy it's amazing! I agree dont help your H to do anything about D. Let him to all the legwork.
LAJar, as I said on my thread, I did not realise I would still be hear nearly 17 months later but here I am! I haven't seen or heard my H's voice since the last week of June but I know if I asked him over for lunch tomorrow he would be here in a shot, that's the strange thing!
I'm not sure where to go from here but as all the others have said we just have to keep continuing with our lives and making those changes which we think might help us to better understand ourselves. I too was very controlling in my marriage but I recently made the connection with my childhood and never knowing if my parents would have a good day or bad day and end up fighting. i spent my childhood living on my nerves so no wonder I need to be in control of my life! But I realise that it spilled over into everything else and my H actually said once that I need to control everything and that was like a lightbulb!
Just take one day at a time LAJar. We are all her to listen and support you. (((LaJar))).
Hi
I remember getting served and it is very emotional and everything is happening so fast
but after the D was over it was a relief
But remember,its just a piece of paper..some R get restored after D
I always played the crises down with my kids..I gave them facts if they asked
Told them sometimes people go thru crises at this age..Not their fault
can't be changed
I never spoke any bad words against xh to this day-
we prayed for him
I let them know we continue on ..I am always here
Now they rarely to never mention him
They are really ok-
they follow our cue..
they need to know we are OK and we got this and we are here for them
Now the latest new Ive heard through the grapevine is my XH is D
I say this to let you know affairs rarely last forever
and the percentage of it lasting is low
Hang in there
You are strong and will be ok
Peace
Coly & peace, I ended up spending the weekend at my parents' house. After the way I felt at seeing H retained a L, I don't know, it just really had an effect on me. While I got dressed on Friday, I pulled together a bag of clothes to stay over. They thought I was just coming for dinner! I know my parents are happy to have me, but I know they are somewhat freaked out by my emotions. Mom keeps saying, "I haven't seen you cry so much." They are extremely empathetic, but it's true. I have never cried this much, at the drop of a hat, in my life.
Coly- What a complete letdown for our kids. You think you've found a solid man who is happy to be a part of their life and then just the complete opposite. S is just completely angry, because there is absolutely no contact at all. It's so ironic that H's major issues come from him feeling like he had no relationship w/ FIL. Thanks for doing the same to my kid and worse, actually abandoning him.
I agree about finances. I do believe that made it easier for them to leave. When we bought the house, we planned on merging them more. I guess not doing that will help in the D. Re. the mortgage, "sword of Damocles hanging over me", so perfectly describes it. It is a horrible feeling, but I just can't afford it with all of the other bills I'm carrying and isn't what we agreed on. I, like you, need to start making some decisions to put some control in my hands. I think that will make me feel better and like I'm moving forward a bit more. Him retaining a L isn't retalitation, because he was badgering me to do so. I think he thinks I'm dragging my heels and he wants this so bad for his new life, he's taking the next step. Him moving this quickly, is what is really so hurtful. He has to prove to OW, our marriage was "over a long time ago" and this is next logical step. In reality, if he was going to file, he should have hired a L from the start, instead of just using an inept paralegal. Keep in mind, after 2.5 months since filing, I still haven't been served. But yes, nonetheless petty, since he said he wanted to keep this civil. Since your H hasn't filed, do you think there will ever come a time that you will? It's so odd your H won't communicate with you but will respond if reach out and not just respond but interact in person.
I really do have to think about my controlling nature. I know in some aspects he was right, but in others it was either exaggerated or worked in his favor. I.e. - we took someone to small claims, home purchase, vacation plans, I handled 99% of the process and he was fine. You can't have it both ways. If I would offer to handle the D process, he'd be more than happy to let me do all of the work! I allowed this to spill over to other areas and there were no real boundaries. At times controlling ways, came off as criticisms.
peace - Why is it that getting that piece of paper or just the thought of it conjures up such emotion? The anxiety is insane. TODAY, I don't even know if it matters that the D is just a piece of paper. I know I don't have to tell anyone who has been here even a week longer than me the cycle of emotions. I have so much anger, anxiety, sadness that I'm not sure I would even want to reconcile, if that ever became an option. Ask me in a couple of weeks, I might have another thought.
I have really tried not to disparage H and just tell the facts. The facts at this point aren't great and S sees that for himself. Although, I do believe if a miracle happened and H wanted to reconcile, S would give him a chance. He told me he believes in 2nd chances. S is just really angry and hurt with him. I hate that for him and feel guilty for putting another man in his life to disappoint him. S has been such a protector of me and has told me how I've been a great mom to him. Made my heart sing! He knows I'm a basketcase right now, but will be fine ultimately. I think it's ok for him to know both of these sides as long as I end with resilience. I'm glad your kids are ok. No doubt it's the example that's set that will allowed that to happen. It's their loss not having these great kids in their life.
What a turn of events that your XH is now D! How did that make you feel hearing about your XH's D? I would have such mixed feelings. I know the affair will likely not last, I just wish they'd realize the damage is so not worth the temporary feeling. I try to tell myself it will end soon enough, but one thing keeps popping in my head. We didn't have kids and was something we spoke about. After MIL passed, he said he didn't want any because he didn't want any kids to feel the way he did, if he should pass away at a young age (he thought that might be a chance). Believe me, I discussed this w/ him many times as I started to get older. People would also ask us about kids and it even made him cry a couple of times. I had to make sure this was what he really wanted and told people to stop asking. Thought it was best given his emotions. When he left, he threw it in my face. He said my controlling nature was the reason we never had kids. Huh? He never said that prior. Now, given how fast he's moving into this R, I can see him getting her PG. Talk about a mindf$ck.
Coly & peace, thank you for taking the time to comment. Your words and thoughts bring so much comfort. I am working on being a stronger me. Here's to a better day for tomorrow.
Hi
The MLCer says a lot of things
they say believe none of what you hear and half of what you see
The "control" issue seems to come up in every story you read about MLC
they feel controlled-Maybe some of us(myself included can look at this issue and resolve it in ourselves)but I don't not think that is the reason they leave
My xh OW (now XW) was way more controlling than I ever was
she would not let him talk to his old friends ..I know this because his best friend told me she texted him telling him to leave XH alone-
I guess best friend was trying to help XH get sober again-
he said OW was nuts-his words-
They usually affair down and pick need and controlling, or drug addicted partners
mine also followed this
I have little emotion regarding XH new divorce-It doesn't matter to me
If he can find help for himself and return to be available for his children, that would be awesome
if not --I wish him the best and I have no need for any further connection to him
I said nothing about this to the kids-they really have no R to him and don't need to know or get their hopes up
After watching his choices--I really have little faith in my X to follow through anyway
I know it is hard and I hear your pain--I understand what it feels like to go through it
You are doing all the right things
once you get past the emotions and grief,,you will find yourself new and again
make a new life and have another R if you choose-
I see it over and over again
Take care of yourself
try to make a new friend and have one fun night-like a movie or dinner
you will get to the other sidemen day at a. time
Hi peace,
It's difficult to take in all of the reasons/excuses for why they've left and try to work on yourself if you don't know how legitimate their gripes are. Like many MLCers, my H gave me a laundry list of reasons why I made him miserable - from me hating his friends and where we live to me controlling him. I am doing my best to acknowledge issues that might be true, but sometimes second guess it. If it's typical for MLCers to bring up control issues, I think it has more to do with how they perceive the controlling behaviors make them feel. Maybe emasculated or just resentful that someone is telling them how they should be? I know for us, my H said some of the control revolved around the house. I'm more methodical and sometimes take a while to make decisions. I wanted to think about how we decorated or made changes to the home. H acted more on feeling, if he liked it, buy it and put it up. I always had to think about it. He hated that and felt like I didn't "allow" him to move forward. In reality, I would want to discuss, but I would not have stopped him and how could I if he was using his own $. When we moved, I "controlled" the $ for the renovations because it came from my retirement. We discussed how we would spend, but if something came up, he'd want to divert and spend on that project instead. I was really willing to compromise, but he wasn't interested. He felt like we should just do whatever came up. I thought we were communicating and making an agreement to avoid an issue. He felt like it was me being controlling. I can understand him feeling that way, but also feel like he doesn't see the other side of it nor did he want to discuss if he didn't agree and was unhappy about it.
As I write, I guess this is me processing some of our issues and my resentment as well. Since he left, I've started to understand his mishandling of his finances. With no dependents or write-offs, he always owed at the end of the year on taxes. Nothing wrong with that, but why not put more $ away so you owe less or make monthly payments to pay off the debt? I did that. He didn't do that and why was that? Because if he did, his take home pay would be even less because he was too busy paying off the multiple loans he'd taken from his retirment. What did he do with the $ from those loans? Absolutely no clue. I suspect maybe one loan was to pay off tax debt, but I'm not sure. I will say he was responsible with day to day bills. Not always on time, but paid them. Let me say I wasn't always the most responsible in terms of finances. Because of a layoff, I had a lot of cc debt coming into the marriage that I worked really hard at paying off. I learned my lesson. Maybe that loss of control was also partially within himself.
For obvious reasons, I think H is affairing down. A very easy Google search pulled up OWs part-time salary (less than 1/2 what I make & a 1/3 of H's) since she works for a public school. I know he's so enthralled with other attributes, but the idea he's picking someone less stable is crazy. At our age for a single mother, a p/t job is a luxury. I'm sure she thinks she scored.
For you, I can only imagine you look at your xH's choice and just shake your head. It makes absolutely no sense. As if you were so horrible?! And to disregard your marriage vows for someone who's "nuts". I just don't get it. I applaud you for getting to the place where it no longer matters. After the years pass by, it has to be that way. I just shake my head at the thought that one of the people that gave your kids life would have no need to inform your kids of what's happening in his life or connect at all. They are lucky to have at least one sane parent to protect them.
Believe me, peace, I am trying to do the right things... whatever that may be. It's amazing to see and experience my swinging emotions. Today I feel ok. I saw IC this morning and cried quite a bit, which was somewhat surprising because this week had been better than last. I guess given the topics, not really surprising. I've paid the retainer for a L and am moving forward through that process, but am still waiting to be served. I'm confused by this since I received mail service that he's retained a L. Seems like he's putting the cart before the horse? The next two weeks will be quite busy for me, which I welcome. I've signed up for a training for next weekend that I hope to parlay into a side business. That I'm really excited about - potential extra income, distraction, meet new people. I can only see it as a positive. S's bday and my bday, so he's coming home in two weeks. My girlfriends will be taking me out then to celebrate too. With the good always comes the bad - sad to not be spending my & S's bday w/ H. But not within my control is what I keep telling myself.
I had a chance to go back and read a bit of your thread from years ago. I hope to at some point reconcile my feelings and move on as you have. I thank you for taking the time to read and provide thoughtful commentary.
I hope you have a great weekend:)
Hi
I think it all part of the process to try to understand what we did..how much of this was our fault ect
I read somewhere that MLC is caused by unresolved childhood issues
Because as we read threads here and see our H go through it
rarely do we see a MLCer leave a M and family and go on to create a new and wonderful life
Usually they loose jobs, breeze through partners, lose most contact with kids and family of origin...become addicted and rack up debt
This shows people in great crises most of them leave stable environments
but few of them seem stable especially as time goes on
this would prove the crises has more to do with them than with the issues of the M
because after D and the controlling wife is gone..they go downhill
the crises is in them
Have a good weekend also!
My H would definitely fall in the category of unresolved childhood issues. I understand this but still doesn't make it any easier to see how he is destroying my life. I know I will pick myself up and come out on the other side, but the effect of these hurtful decisions is unbelievable. I will pack up again and sell a house we've been in less than a year, put money out for a L that I so desperately could use for something else, live life again at this time lonely and as a single person, all the while he is probably in love and "loving" life. Maybe only temporarily, but maybe not. I keep thinking he should never have gotten married if this is the way he was going to treat the R and me. I have little sympathy for someone who has had issues growing up and continues to compound them by destroying a stable life with poor life choices. My H was so emotional for the lack of R with father and feelings of abandonment and now the shoe is on the other foot and he is doing the same to my son. I don't need him to put those same hang-ups on my son and think it's justified because he no longer wants to be with me.
Clearly I am at a point of anger in my process. I hate the ups and downs I am experiencing. I just wish this was all done and I could move on like he never existed, if I have to move on without him. Seeing H in an EA/PA is so painful and why I'd just like to have him out of my life. I don't see it ending in any time I think is acceptable for me to stand. Just where I am today... let's see what tomorrow brings?
Standing is a good thing
Usually the LBS has no where to go anyway
except through he pain and grief so standing is an excellent choice
It helps us stabilize, watch the actions of our H while at the same time plow through crazy pain and start over
One day the pain subsides..Its over and we are done-
sometimes the MLCer does turn around but usually it takes time
Lois ( a poster here) recently had her MLCer wanting to return
after many years
They seem to need to go through their choices (replay and fun, OW, spending, drugs, alcohol,trips, new cars toys and clothes, tattoos )
to see it doesn't work and when you think about it
How can it work?
The temporary highs and the lows are extreme because when you think another R can Fix you or help you find yourself you are in trouble-
Its just an addiction and New R will cover the pain for only so long.
they usually can't last and rarely do but it takes them lots of years to figure it all out
and yes they leave our lives a mess at first but that only lasts so long also
Most LBS do create better lives and you will read this over and over as well-
Keep working on yourself
You will know more later
You are right - I don't have anywhere to go at this point. I would still be open if H tried to come back and reconcile. However, with the speed he is moving to D and zero contact (absolutely zero), it doesn't seem that's likely going to happen. I don't think my situation is so unique, but I haven't read any other postings with that same combo. I will find Lois' posts.
I can see the man I once knew possibly realizing the damage he has done and coming back. However, this new person who has no regard for me, S or family with his poor life choices - not a chance. He's "only" 3 or so months into A, so it is all still too new and wonderful.
I completely agree with you and it's something I have been thinking about quite a bit. The idea that H has been going through all of these life issues, let's say even just our issues, the fact that he's using this new R as a band-aid is ridiculous. If I was looking at a new R partner, he is not the type of man I would jump at. After all of this no return to IC for him. I would think if he was so miserable, he'd jump at it since that's something he's done before and at the time, realized he needed. One of the few times we had communicated, he even had the nerve to tell me with my IC, I should be learning to be more accountable for my actions. Imagine that!? The pumping of the ego with A, is amazing.
At this point, the anger actually seems to feel better than the sadness. Probably not a great thing, but I feel I can work through that emotion much more easily. I'm tired of crying and being weepy at a moments notice. My anger is more wrapped in BD and beyond, not for what transpired in our M. I take a lot of responsibility for the breakdown. I am also realizing where I was unhappy in our M. The fact I didn't leave has led way to a whole new level of resentment of H. I get it, we are different and he's not able to process/deal in the same way. Just thoughts I've been having and hopefully will make way to better realization of other areas I need to work on.
I do continue to work on myself and am excited because I begin training this weekend for a possible new side business. I am super hopeful for the possibilities with this. A bright spot to look forward to in a lot of murkiness is always appreciated.
To a better and brighter tomorrow.
Good luck with your side business!
Whatever feelings come to the surface will lead to your healing 'let them flow
embrace them
They will change constantly pastime goes on less and less sadness
But
Its a long road from denial to acceptance
denial -anger -bargaining- sadness/depression- finally acceptance
'I believe it is important for us to go through the stages
if we skip (like our MLCer) we won't get there
If we get it over with and get through it there will be much joy and confidence on the other side
with or without H
Have a good day!
I am hopeful. I will keep my steady 9 to 5, but hopefully parlay this training into work in the evenings and/or weekends. God knows I have the time now.
I am trying to experience all of the feelings that come up, work through them and move on. I'm sure I will go back and forth, but feel like I've cycled through denial, sadness/depression & bargaining together and now anger. I'm sure something will set me off and take me back to sadness. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life and more so because I have no control over it.
peace, I went back to some of your earlier posts and see a real difference in your writing, in comparison to when your sitch began. Your sadness and despair resonated with me. I look to today and your words of wisdom to those just beginning this journey are unbelievably appreciated. I am hopeful for myself that I can get to a better place in life, find peace and bring my happy back.
LA I can relate to so much of what you write, what you have been told, and how you are processing. And Peace is a personal favorite of mine so I love seeing her on your thread. You will get to a better place. No doubt.
HI
IT always helps to get support especially from people who have traveled the same experience in this situation or any
It helps us also to support the new person
A spouse leaving in MLC is no doubt a seriously painful experience
There are many support groups locally such as Coda and alanon where one can sit in on a real meeting and hear others navigate through there issues and it helps to apply the steps and tools to our lives to speed up our healing and meet new people also going through issues.
This board does the same
Hang in
you are on your way-
OwnIt,
Thank you for stopping by to comment. Funny, you and I both moved over from Newcomer to MLC rather quickly. I've had a chance to read some of your story as well and you are one strong lady. Have you officially accepted this and decided to move on? I have read your most recent thread and it seems like you're done with his BS, but are you ready to file? While my H has filed, 3 months in I still haven't been served. With his new L, you'd think he'd know this by now. Either way, I don't know if/when I'll ever be ready to take the bull by the horns and file, serve him.
I relate to you so much with the hurt of your kids. Although my son is much older, it doesn't make it any easier. I was so sad to read of your son cutting himself. I know there's no quick fix, but I'm glad to see you've gotten him help. I do hope the best for him, as that is such a deeply physical way to express his pain. I harbor so much resentment for H in this area. H resented his father for their poor relationship and feelings of abandonment and he has turned around and done the same to my S. It's up to us to make sure H's don't pass on those same hang-ups to our S's. Really pisses me off. I am so grateful for my S. He's away at school and we had some time to speak yesterday. He made me cry because he told me he missed me. It's been a long time since I've heard that and I will put that in my bag of wins in this sh!tty experience. We've grown so much closer and he's been there for me in more ways than I expected.
Also I just have to comment on OW1 and FB. You showed much restraint by not responding to her when she reached out to you. Holy cow, the nerve of these... I call H's OW the catfish. H likes to fish and he always told me those were the worst fish because they're bottom feeders and so she was christened!
Yes, peace has been kind enough to respond to my posts. Her thoughtful words have been so appreciated.
peace,
Thank you for the suggestion of attending a support group. Of course as you said to apply the tools, but I really do believe this forum, all of the reading I've been doing has helped me to process more quickly and not wallow as much. Believe me, I wallow, just not as much. The support group would be just another avenue to listen and relate. Coda is not one I'd heard of before and their checklist to identify patterns and characteristics of codependence is a real eye-opener. I'm going to have to sit with that when I have more time and can focus. I had started to think about my handling of certain situations with H and whether I was being codependent and should have done things differently. I have to say, it is sometimes overwhelming what has evolved from this, from lawyers to finances to emotional issues. I am trying to find the positives and the hopes this will help me grow.
LA,
I haven't filed, and I won't until he messes with the money or my children in a way that requires it. Now it is just a matter of making peace with this time. My IC doesn't want me to think of it as limbo or waiting, but we have not come up with a new term for it yet.
I did eventually talk to the OW1 and it answered some questions for me. I know at some point I will hear from the present one too. I think when people endure a similar trial they want to come to peace with it, even if like OW1 they walk into it more knowingly.
My S is doing well. We are having a little issue at school that we are going to try to deal with proactively. After cutting himself the once there were a few incidents with picking scabs and writing with the blood, but we seem to be through that part. He is definitely trying to process his pain. Thankfully he has started talking about it now. His biggest concern seems to be a fear that he will be like his father. No chance. This boy feels.
I am definitely done with his stuff. I don't care much what he is up to. I just want him to stay away from us for as long as possible. I sometimes envy my D being away on the other side of the country and being in such an exciting time of her life with so much to look forward to.
If you don't know whether it is time to file, then it isn't time. When you know what you want the path will become clear for you. Really do focus on your life. Getting back to me, to who I was before all of this stuff, has been the best part of this.
It seems like a long wait from Bomb drop to D
I did not file and I was hoping mY xh would not but he did and he quickly M ow within months..I heard they tried to have kids at one point but he could not
Now it looks like they are D
Usually if you sit by there side lines, it will just happen
many people get D and MLCer still can change their mind after
use every day to take care of yourself
the days pile into years and b4 you know it it is over
I look back with No regret not for anything
My Xh could not be a good father once in MLC so I am grateful he left
I think he took care of the kids by leaving and not exposing them too his crazy choices
I grateful I tried to save my M
I think I changed
I think I was there for xh
I was a friend to him
even though he was horrible to all of us
he did the best he could
its never easy to leave a R and hurt the other but some R. are not meant to be forever
and Mine was one of those
What Peace wrote resonated with me too. Over time, what XH did, does and decided has come to matter far less. What really matters is who I am, what I did, do and decided.
I too have no regrets. Our marriage mattered to me and I stood up for it when it was in crisis. XH chose to file for D within a year or so and hasn't looked back. But I do not regret my part in trying to save our marriage. I sleep well at night. I don't know how he sleeps, but I wouldn't want to be in those shoes.
It is important to look back and feel - I'm proud of who I was during that difficult time. Whatever the ultimate outcome....
Xx
Own, peace and Sotto - Glad to have your thoughts.
Own,
I am at the same point as you are on the D. Although my H has filed, he's not taken the proper steps to move this forward. I'm still not sure why this is since he now has a L to tell him this. While I like my IC, I don't know that he agrees with standing or even simply just not moving D forward. What he continues to point out to me is my lack of control and this is the one things I can control for my own sanity. When he brought it up at my last appt., I literally sobbed. I'm going to have to see where this goes. You're right, I'm just not ready yet. It is too soon and I may be there with some more time, but right now, I'm not.
Not speaking to OW1 and speaking to her both required strength.
I'm sincerely glad to hear about your son. I think the acknowledgment is half the battle. I didn't always have the greatest marriage example from my parents, but since I married, it is always something I have been of... I just needed a partner that also made an effort to be self-aware.
peace,
I thought when he filed 10 days after leaving, D would come within 6-7 months. Not so. It's 2.5 months since he filed w/out service and while I'm trying to hold strong on this, I just keep on thinking - 3 months since leaving and another 6 months for D, then 4 mos. since leaving & another 6 mos. for D. When does it end? I don't want to date before the D, but I feel like I'm stopping life if he never comes back. With that being said, I am like you and I want to leave this R with no regrets. I think that shows a lot of integrity and promise for future R's, both romantic and platonic.
Sotto,
Thank you for coming to my thread. It's so important to hear again how walking away when you're ready, helps to keep your integrity, heart and soul in tact. I have to remind myself that I need to do this on my own timeline and no one else's. I am processing all of this and will get there eventually, but being able to handle what's coming is what's right for me.
Overall I'm getting through and for our 14 years together, 3 months isn't enough to pack up and walk away yet. While I'm working on moving forward, I'm just not ready to move on yet.
Just journaling... Friday was a really weird day for me. There were a bunch of odd coincidences, signs, moments that were smashing my face into my situation. Right before I left to a meeting, I was looking for something in my work desk and found a letter from H to S when he graduated from high school (8 years ago). He wrote about how proud he was of S, was happy to be in his life and many more things. He ended it by saying he was happy to be his dad. It was a rusty knife in my heart. At meeting, our organization has had some very high profile sexual harassment issues with heads of departments (a la Harvey Weinstein), the head of organization was written about how he allegedly handled one of those situations. At meeting he got up to speak and he said with all recent issues, "we are being tested" then went on to say how he knows we'll persevere and in 6 months time or so, we will get through and will look back to where we were and will be in a different place. It resonated not only with those statements, but in what I have been thinking/feeling about poor choices that have far-reaching impact. I feel that those in MLC do this. They negatively compound already emotional, mental situations with poor choices. Then I went to the gym and heard a song (slow one at that) that I've listened to since BD. Never heard it there before and all of a sudden I did. It's not a popular song either. Finally, was watching trashy reality TV and there was a poignant scene where someone's mother had passed. The DIL was promising MIL she would watch over son and take care of him. When my MIL was passing, I promised MIL I'd always take care of H. It was just one thing after another that afternoon. Then to see H's social media and happy pics w/ OW. I have to say, I dealt with it, but it wasn't easy either. Too many odd reminders/coincidences in such a short period.
To what next week brings. I hope you all have a great weekend. Cheers to happy, strong women, who persevere through much adversity.
Hi
Try to not look at social media if you can stop yourself-
I know its hard but it can't help you right now
You sound like you are becoming very aware of things and that is good
your son can keep those memories they were real
I always tell my kids good things about their dad and how much he loved them--all true
They can keep that stuff
a parent that truly loved them
a parent that got mentally ill in crises
nothing to do with them
peace,
Hope you had a nice weekend.
I hadn't looked at his social media in a few weeks. My curiosity got the best of me. It will be hard not to but I'm going to really try. While it may not hurt as much as the first times I looked, it still isn't pleasant.
Glad my awareness is viewed as positive, because I feel like it's super heightened right now. S definitely has good memories, but they are clouded with some negative aspects. He's just upset and it's hard for him to see beyond that now. He definitely knows this isn't about him, but from the only time he and H spoke, he pointed the blame in my direction. For that and his lack of accountability, S has resentment. I can't get him to see the other side just yet. I can't say that I blame him because what does he have to do with any of this? H promised he'd call him once he settled in at school and that never happened. It is what it is. I think once S sees me coming through this, he will let go a little bit. Right now, he's completely written off H.
S will be coming home this weekend to celebrate our birthdays, so something happy to look forward to.
Happy Monday
If son has resentment toward H
I would validate his feelings and just listen, nod, empathy etc, a hug
sometimes no response just mirror back what they say and feel
accepting althea feel and are for today-
If son says nothing, I would be upbeat and act as if I am OK if possible
Have fun together
We can work through our stuff with our kids knowing every struggle-
The MLCer rarely comes through for the kids
some become Disney dads for a while, some disappear over time, some return to once again be there for kids
We won't know his path until it is lived..He makes these choices but he is being guided by a crises due to unresolved childhood trauma so I would expect lIttle to nothing for now
They are more interested in Fun and OW
and have little room for being a co parent
Enjoy time with son
and Happy Birthday to you both!
meant we can work through our stuff without kids knowing every struggle
Coincidentally, after my last response yesterday, H texted for the first time in close to 2 months. Texted hello and hoped I was well. Then went in on how he needs me to get in touch w/ his L, who has been trying to get in touch with me through a notice sent to the house. Trying to get in touch in my opinion wouldn't just be a notice, which required me to do nothing. Then he wrote he's willing to negotiate sale of house & D. He wants to get house appraised before the new year and has someone who wants to buy it after the new year. Thanks and wished me a good day.
I was livid. After no communication in almost 2 months, reaches out as if nothing has happened & hopes I'm "well". Is he insane? Well, yes, I believe he is. He's abandoned daily responsibilities to this house, was late on the 2nd mortgage payment since he left, requiring me to fork over the $ so it wasn't late. Then, he's going to tell me what he plans on doing for the house and I'm supposed to wait another 2+ months to sell & who even knows who he has in mind to purchase & for how much. It took all of my strength to regain my composure and respond. I texted him that my L would contact his when I finalized a couple of things next week. I have 1 more small home project to finish, then would have the home appraised. My brother who represented us in the purchase, would represent me in the sale. If he doesn't want him to represent him, he'd need to find another agent to co-list. Anyone he has in mind to purchase the home can bid on it just like anyone else. Lastly, I asked him for my outdoor sunshade & lights that he took from the house (most likely to OW's house). I had only purchased them 2 weeks prior. Thanked him and wished him a great day.
Holy cow! The nerve of him trying to direct me in what needs to happen, to what he thinks will work best. As if I'm supposed to wait around in this house, alone throughout the holidays while he's enjoying life, and only until after the hustle and bustle of the season has passed and he's less busy?! Of course I was angry, but more so hurt and disrespected. I think that's the bottom line for me in all of this, disrespect. His public displays w/ OW, the lack of care for our MR, my S & family, is disgusting and hurtful. He is carrying on w/ life as if he hasn't a care in the world. I know he will reap what he sows, but at this given moment, it's more than I can comprehend. I do have to say, my initial anxiety subsided more quickly than in the past. I called my mom on the way home to tell her what he texted. She has not shown her anger for him until now. Because I was crying some and she didn't want me going home alone, I ended up spending the night at my parents. I should be in my new home w/ H, not crying at my parents. After my first emotions, I pulled myself together and was ok. I know this is what it's going to be like for some time. If I don't let my emotions get the best of me for too long, I'm making progress... I think.
Thank you peace for your wishes. We will both be ok & will have some fun spending time together. I worry about my S, but I also know he'll be ok. If I can get him to see an IC and I do try not to bombard him w/ too much of what is going on. I need to be more mindful of that and only if he asks. I have definitely held back on all of the details because he doesn't need to know everything. What he knows is enough. He says he wants to speak to H this weekend face to face. I'm trying to discourage it just because it's his b-day. Why ruin it w/ that? I have mixed feelings about him reaching out at all, but I will at least discourage it for this weekend.
To what tomorrow brings...
So sorry for this whole latest episode. It's SO hard, when they just change, BAM, just like that, into this person we don't even recognize, then it's all, Well, how are you? Then on to the real reason, which is their OWN agenda.
Beats all I've ever seen.
Hang tough. You're doing fine.
LA, focus on what you want. Talk to your lawyer. Unless it benefits you, don't do anything that he wants to help him out if it is contrary to what you want. I love how they have all the time in the world, but then when they want something they want it right now.
Hi leah and Own,
Thank you for coming to my thread and for your support. leah, I will read up on your thread next.
SO hard, is plainly & simply true. This is not my H. I don't know where he's went. The one thing my dad told me when this all happened is that he thought my H always had my back. Not only does he not have my back, but he is doing things to harm me. Yes, he's gone for days, weeks without contacting me, only to text to see how D is moving along. Again, he filed 10 days after leaving and 3 months later, still no service. Yet, he's all about getting me to negotiate w/ him. He has an agenda that is lacking and one that I'm not going to help him achieve. My agenda is to sell my house, move to my parents temporarily, then work on figuring out where my next home will be. I will do what I need to do once I'm served but nothing more until then. Of course once I meet with my L, I will begin to get my financials in order, but I will explain to her that is only in preparation for what is to come. I need her to understand, I am not in favor of D at this time & because of that I will not help move it forward.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. It is truly comforting to come here and have responses from others that know exactly how you feel. As someone still quite new to this forum, I am ever so grateful.
Hi
Your H is a typical MLCer --You read about the other stories and see how drastically they all change so quickly
and they are Unreachable for sure and for a long time
Treat the D as you would a job or business deal
do only what is best for you
He is going to move forward in his MLCer way no matter what you do and the MLCer wants as much as they can get
the OW likes to spend the money and your H is no longer the same..like an alien
he cares about nothing but him
You are exactly right in your posts--do what is best for you in every area
let your brother represent you and get other bids
it may infuriate your H -and usually the D does cause some extra conflict
but
in the end you will be grateful you stood up for yourself because H can't right now-
Morning,
Glad to see H is typical in his MLC. Sometimes I feel like he's doing things I've yet to read others do - no worse or better, just different. But yes, the drastic change examples are all over this forum.
I know decisions for myself regarding the D, will definitely cause more problems with H. At this point, I don't care. I am not doing it to hurt him, but just to take care of myself. He certainly hasn't had a problem doing that for himself, so I shouldn't either. I have to remember this, no matter what his reaction is. Also, glad to have a L who can manage all of this and I don't have to fight this battle directly.
I just had an IC appointment this morning. We spoke a lot about this text. Therapist affirmed his thought that this is part of H trying to exert control due to his feelings of anger/resentment. He told me that he's held back on focusing on H's motives in past sessions since H is not involved in them. I always find it interesting to hear his insight as a man and a professional, so I'm glad to finally to have some of his thoughts on this. Have to say, I do feel my own anger and resentment when I think that he wants even more control in all of this. He's got plenty already!
I've been wondering what people's thoughts are on contacting the in-laws. I text with SIL periodically, but I've been contemplating reaching out to two aunts, one on MIL side & other on FIL side. I have been feeling like I would like some closure and to be able to thank them and say goodbye. Since MIL has passed and FIL has dementia, these two would be the next best option. Through them, it would also allow me to thank & say goodbye to any others that ask. I'd do it in writing and know I'd have to watch how I word the letter. Not bashing H or getting into details but also not pretending like this isn't happening. They know. They've seen FB pics of H & OW. Any thoughts on this?
In laws is a tricky one. I got along well with my ex in-laws. They were transatlantic and we holidayed with them most years. When XH and I separated, I was in touch with them - And they all said - we love having you as a SIL, DIL etc. But then they just dropped right off the grid and didn't respond to future messages from me. I didn't contact them much - just a HBD/HNY and after not getting any response, I stopped getting in touch.
I was so upset about their reaction and I guess I had hoped we had relationships that would survive our S and continue. Now I feel less hurt about it. I understand this is what tends to happen. I didn't do anything awful, just often these relationships don't survive divorce.
I'm not greatly in favour of getting in touch and I would ask yourself what you want to achieve by it. What do you hope will happen going forwards with them and what kind of contact would work for you? You could always leave others to initiate and purely be responsive.
JMHO of course and always best to remember that blood is mostly thicker than water too....
I would absolutely not contact the inlaws. They are his family and they will stick by him. If you are moving forward but maintain some hope of a relationship in the future, the less you say to his people the better. Also, this could feed his narrative of why he needs to move on from you. Focus on you and letting go.
I know very tricky, which is why I need outside perspective. SIL has been in communication and supportive, but at the end of the day, that's her brother. I know this. MIL's friends have been extremely supportive and so angry at H, but since I spoke with them over 3 weeks ago, I've heard nothing. SIl reached out to S and B, both ignored her text for about 3 weeks, until S texted this week and SIL didn't respond. Tricky, is an understatement.
Sotto,
To ask what I'd like to get from it... great question. I'd most definitely like closure. I'd like to thank them for opening their arms to me & S, for being surrogate mothers to H and allowing us to be a part of the family. If I'm being honest, I'd be really careful not to disparage H, but I'd like to let them know I'm standing (for now), that I was always open to repairing the R & this is not my choice. Should that be an option for H, to encourage him. At the very least, encourage H to get help.
Own,
Definitely understand blood is thicker than water. I would not expect they take my "side". I'd just like them to understand what my side is and where I stand. Know this isn't my choice and not something I'd ever ask for. But if this is counterproductive to me moving forward, then I get it.
Thank you for both of your perspectives. An outside view is always necessary and needed.
Think seriously about telling people that your standing. This is inviting him to treat you as Plan B. What is going to make him concerned that he will lose you?
I've held back because I also have some apprehension. SIL has reached out to my brother and son as well to apologize for her brother. She also tell me a cousin knows and is really upset with him. Some of MIL's friends came to visit a few weeks back and were very supportive of me, angry with him. I know they don't agree with what he's doing. I think this is why I would feel comfortable contacting his aunts, but don't want to put them in an uncomfortable postion, if that's what they feel. I also thought writing a card, as opposed to a call would take any pressure off of them. I know blood is thicker than water and have no expectations of initiating or carrying out any future contact.
Being honest in why I might reach out are a few reasons. Primary is as I said before, give me some closure. I resent the way H has cut off my family and would like to end it in a better way - really just to tell them I love them and thank them for always treating me & S like family. Second to acknowledge my love for H and how I wished this would have ended differently. Basically to say not my choice and wish we could have worked on our marriage. And lastly, because these would be two people who H might be open to and actually hear, to say I would be open to reconciling in the future. As a way of saying, if he speaks to them & ever expresses remorse to encourage him to reach out to me. I know as long as he's w/ OW, nothing they say can change his mind right now. I don't want to encourage them to discuss any of this w/ him, unless it comes from him.
I really have to think about this. And maybe if that's what I have to do, I will conclude I shouldn't.
Its a tough choice and I can only share my experience with my Xh Family
They all lived in another state, so we were not super close
I don't think his Mom ever really liked me anyway
But after H left the state and M -OW -she did reach out to us to see if she could still have a R with our kids, her grandkids
she was heartbroken over H choices as her XH(XHDAD) did the exact same to her
We spoke several times over the next year or so b4 she passed
I was grateful to have that time with her and to explain what my truth was
I always wished Xh the best and told her I tried to help him but he was unreachable
I think this also helped her to understand what happened to him because when he left us he also left her and his sisters-sometimes with no number or way to =reach him
So I am grateful I spoke to her, shared my truth, wished him the best and never badmouthed his choices
Hi Mom hated the OW, her new DIL- and at one point told him she could not ever come to visit ,,they banned her from the family--is What I heard, she was definitely a piece of work as many OW and OM are-
So I say follow your gut, speak to your IC
and if you contact them
the truth is always a good place to go--never badmouthing, but wishing well to H regardless of the pain he is causing you
Karma is not ours to determine
but when we do the right thing, we get right results
Thank you peace, Own and Sotto -
It's so important to have outside perspective. As we go through this process, we aren't always thinking clearly, I know. It's interesting to see all 3 different advice and experiences. More pieces to the story to consider from this weekend. I still plan to hold off, since I'm still conflicted.
S & my birthdays were this weekend. Enjoyed spending time with friends and family. It was still bittersweet having all of this positive support, but S not even getting a bday text from H - I definitely never expected one. OW has same bday as S and was busy celebrating her this weekend. Just an extra piece of bullsh!t to add to the pile. Someone he's only known a few months takes priority over S. Disgusting. Anyway, I was going out with friends on Saturday and as I was getting dressed, received text from SIL inviting me over for a BBQ & to watch football. I was surprised. We text periodically but haven't really seen each other but once since BD. Thanked her and told her I had plans. She invited me to come to her the next day to her Sunday job so we could visit & she could give me a gift. Had fun with friends and it was a good night.
Sunday headed to meet with SIL. We spoke for a bit and she asked if H had failed to pay next mortgage. Re-cap, I saw that he was not going to pay, so I ended up paying before it was considered late. It turned out he paid a week later. I explained that to her and that started us talking about the situation. She again said that she's upset with him and family is too. They think it's in such poor taste that he has made his decisions so public with no regard to me, S. She has spoken to FIL about how H was so resentful of their lack of relationship & now how he is doing the same, worse to my S.
We sidetracked to speaking about FIL and his health. I was happy to hear that he has been doing a lot better. He has someone coming in to help take care of him, which is helping with his socialization. She said also that H not being around has helped improve the negative atmosphere for FIL. So there was a new revelation that he is now pretty much living/staying with OW. That stung, but I can't say I'm surprised. Answers the question of why he's stopped coming to the house completely, even when I'm not there. Moving so fast.
As I said, we discussed many things, so that was nice. We talked about how both families are doing. She then told me she had spoken w/ MIL's friend and told her she is so angry at H. This is his choice not hers. She loves me & S and doesn't want to cut us out of her life. MIL's friend spoke of her D experience and how her exH tried doing the same. However, she was still able to maintain a relationship w/ SIL, some 20 years later. Ultimately said if that's what you want, then that's what you do. I appreciated that, but told her I didn't want H to spew on her. She said, I don't care, I'm willing to take that hit. Wow. I was happy and surprised at how firm she was. This made me comfortable enough to ask her opinion on contacting aunts. She absolutely encouraged it. She again said family loves me and isn't supportive of how H has chosen to handle situation.
Own, you were pretty firm on your stance. Does this change that for you at all? I'm all about opinions, because there may be a side I haven't considered.
I don't know that I would maintain contact years from now, but maybe I will. peace, it was encouraging to hear your experience. In a situation we don't have much control of, it's nice to allow ourselves some closure by our own choice.
I go to see L on Thursday to begin going through financials. The list of what I need to bring is daunting. I don't have to feel positive about the meeting, but I at least hope to walk away without crying. Fingers crossed!
That is nice that SIL and his family are supportive
I always found it helpful that hey could see the truth and my xh sisters have apologized for his behavior which helped me get more closure
I believe the MLCer family can see the truth anyway
I think many LBS can maintain R with them as long as they are somewhat healthy
I keep in touch with XH sisters once in a while and they do also
in a pinch-they would be on his side and our R is distant but open
but we live in different states-
I have a friend who maintained close contact with her xh family and her xh
she celebrates many holidays with them still many years and many OWs later
sometimes thing stake. awhile to unfold and you will know what to do and when
it is great that you wait until you get clear insight on what to do
LA, everyone has their own experiences and their own foundations. I think the issue is not so much how the first meeting goes, but how you will feel when they make up with him and you hear from them about he and the OW visiting and participating in family plans and how that will make you feel.
Seems like your time is better invested in your own people who will be with you through thick and thin and who don't come with stories and strings from the past.
But, the beauty of free will is that we all get to make our own decisions about these things and I am happy for you with whatever you choose.
peace and Own,
I thought it was nice of SIL. As I have mentioned, his relationship with SIL and FIL is always up and down, so they see the truth. Own you're right, it's the future relationship that will be the issue. It's a good point and something I have thought about. If, let's say next holiday season, he's still w/ OW, I would think they would include her in their celebrations. I wouldn't expect them not to, but it absolutely would hurt. I do think I need to give things more time to unfold. My situation, in comparison, is still new and who knows what will happen even in a month.
As I said, it's really helpful to hear other perspectives. I appreciate the time you've taken to give that to me.
Happy belated birthday to you and your son!!
LaJar
You are right
best to give it more time..you will know
sometimes the other person will make the contact and things will unfold naturally
It doesn't sound like you are trying to create any new R with any of them as much as to get closure..Thats what I have with my XH family..closure--that takes time a lot of time-
but the door is open if they have a need to contact me for any reason
I have moved on but it took this long--
Take your time
There is NO wrong move we can make..only lessons we need to experience
some good..some we perceive as not good
but in the end we get to where we are and that place is always good
Thank you for the b-day wishes, Coly.
peace, I don't think it would feel comfortable pushing any type of R with H's family. I am open to keeping some communication, if that's what they choose. I haven't been home and picked up some mail on Friday and one of his aunt's did send me a b-day card. She has always been good about sending cards for holidays, bdays, etc. She usually would send one for our anniversary, but obviously didn't this year, so I was happily surprised to see the bday card. Again, I'll see further on down the line where things shake out.
Journaling: Thursday was my meeting with L, which was the first since retaining. It was primarily to prepare my financial disclosures. First thing she asked is if I've been served, which I still haven't. She said he seemed pretty desperate initially and wondered why the hold-up. I took this as my opportunity to tell her that I am still not in favor of this divorce. Since I have not been served, I do not want to push anything forward. He will have to do the work required to get the ball rolling. She expressed her concerns where it might affect me down the line financially. I told her I understood and that I can't imagine myself being in limbo as I am now for 6-9 months from now. However, since it is still new to me, I am not there mentally or emotionally and will not help him with his divorce. She understood. At this point, with the exception of the house, there really isn't much to do. I do hope to have the house listed within the next month. If that's the case, I will have to contact H to discuss those specifics.
Since last week, I have not been staying at my house. I've been at my parent's which is where I was going to go temporarily until house is sold and I could find something else/smaller. I realized being alone in my home was really affecting my mood. I feel much stronger not being so isolated. It's not ideal but I appreciate having a place to go where I'm supported. I am also realizing I am struggling with my feelings for H. The distance/lack of contact helps me to forget him. However, when I do have to deal with him, my anxiety shoots through the roof, even with the smallest thing. I had set up the online account for our mortgage a number of months ago. I am the only one that accesses it, my contact information, etc are what's on the online account. Last week, he decided to change the email contact. It's dumb, but that really pissed me off. He didn't bother to set up the account and doesn't even have access to the login. I even question whether he'll make the next payment, but for some reason he needs to remove my email and add his??? I received an email notice of the change and my heart quickly started beating. I don't know if I'm in denial not having to deal w/ him & at the smallest point I do, anger, anxiety, sadness flood me. It just makes me think as D progresses, I will be removed from my cocoon and once again be confronted with H's choices. Daunting.
Its all part of the process
it all hurts a lot and as time passes so does the pain
Its good you have a safe place to go for now where you don't feel alone
just allow it and trust you will grieve and watch
and everything will work out for the best in time
trust the place you are now-
when the time comes to confront H-you will be ok
get clear about your options and choices and actions and most importantly take care of you
I know the hurt will subside, but I can see it in everyone that comes here, it still lingers... even just a bit. I'll be in that bunch, but it's sad to see that MLCer moves on and LBS will always hold the pain.
The confrontation may be sooner than I thought. My father had gone to the house for me this morning to pick up some things and saw that H has taken items from the house, namely our living room TV. I'm not sure what to do in this situation. Do I let it rest or do I say something. It's OUR TV and no doubt he's taken it to OW house, just like other smaller items that I actually 100% paid for. My heart is in my throat right now, but I am holding off on contacting him. Any advice???
--tough one
hopefully others will chime in on this one
I know after a while I got tired of H coming over and having a key, so I asked him for the key back and he gave it
If he came over, we needed to be home and available
MY XH took papers that were important like his motorcycle deed and sold it when I was not home
That was paid with shared money-
your H does not live there anymore-I would set clear boundaries moving forward
he can take what is his, but both of you need to agree
maybe since you are living alone a new lock can be aded and just simply tell H for your safety you've added a new lock and if he would like to come over to get things in the future, you will have to be home
he does not need the key because he doesn't live there-
We have to realize the MLCer will do exactly whatever they plan to do-no matter how nice or not we are
We have to stand up for our rights even if we lose them because if we are meant to lose them we will either way
some LBS can wind up in debt by allowing MLCer to run the show and call shots
Do what is best for you-
peace
Again, even tougher than I expected. I just found out he has moved into a new condo with OW. It got the best of me and couldn't help but text him that he needed to return the TV. I told him it belonged to both of us and needed to be returned for when we divide up our assets. He said it belonged only to him. In actuality, it was through a promotion when he signed up for a new cell phone along with my cable provider. He said sorry, it's not going back. Talk to his lawyer and stop harassing him (much of this in all CAPS). I said nothing for him to be sorry about, but he was in violation. My text to him are no more harassment than the ones he sends me and that he needs to serve me. Petty I know, but I also threw in he only wished I was (harassing him). My lawyer told me I needed to, at some point, make the lack of service clear so it doesn't look like I'm avoiding it. Up until the end, I felt like I wasn't antagonizing, but only asking him to bring back our TV. He's taken other things and it's upsetting. I did ask him to return some outdoor lighting that I specifically paid for - happy to split that. I just think if he takes anything, I'll never see it again.
That did not go well, but I guess he just didn't like me telling him he needed to return the nice TV he was using in his new home. Wow? He's got unfinished business with his wife and is making a new home with someone else?! I am dumbfounded. He has texted me countless times and I have really tried holding my reaction. Initially there were some angry text, but I have tried my best. I don't initiate any. The one time I have actually initiated a text and he reacts that way.
I just reached out to my L and let her know about the text exchange. Let her know I made him aware he needs to serve me. I also asked her if I'm able to change the locks.
I know this is only the beginning. He thinks he can take anything he wants. If he paid for it, what's his is his. I am not trying to take anything from the house, I just want it to stay there so we can fairly divide.
I don't know if I'm even sad. I'm angry for sure, but I'm not even sure if this hurts? I just can't believe this is where we're at and the anger is justified and on display because he has someone.
LA--you are going to end up paying your lawyer a fortune to argue over things that aren't worth it (like the string of lights for example).
Do as Peace suggests and change the locks. He is living elsewhere. Then keep a list of the stuff he took and the value and hand it over to your lawyer when they make the big list of who gets what.
Remember that when you respond to this stuff you are just playing into his narrative of what a nut job you are and why he needs to divorce you. Just let it go.
It's easy for me to say that because I am further down the line and my H only took a few clothes and kitchen and garage items that I didn't even want.
In the beginning I made lots of excuses to contact him and they were all facially legitimate. I think at this point I'd rather cut off my arm than contact him for anything. It isn't fear, just distaste. I don't like giving him anything. I don't want him to think that I care about him in the slightest.
Whether he has served you or not you can likely get on with the show by filing an answer if you want to move it along (talk to your lawyer if you do). If not, do nothing, but stop contacting him and don't remind him that he hasn't served you.
I agree w/OwnIt. Make a list of the things that he has taken. Walk around the house and really take notice of your surroundings. I suspect he may have taken more than what you think. MLCers feel entitled and will take whatever catches their eye at the time they are in the family home. I would also suggest that you take photos so that if he returns once again, you'll be able to compare the photos with the actual surroundings. Am I making a big deal out of this? No, I discovered things missing weeks after my xh made visits to the home when I was at work.
Also, MLCers will string you along w/negotiating terms of separation/divorce. Some lawyers have no problems arguing over the small stuff. Lights can be replaced and I know you may feel justified in bringing up issues (little things)...but keep your focus on the big ticket items, i.e., such as finances, your home, child support, the house, etc.
Change the locks (f your state allows it) or get an alarm system. If you already have an alarm system, change the code. If you have a garage w/an automatic garage door opener, change the code or unplug the opener once the door is down. Also, check your computer system to see if he's put any codes in so that he can see what you are receiving and sending remotely. Yes, my xh did this and I was lucky enough that my MIL told me about it.
Please, please do not contact him about missing items and the "estimated worth" of those items. They love attention, be it positive or negative and they will drag things out until you toss your hands up in the air and do the heavy lifting. Leave things be for now and do not remind him that he hasn't served you. I know that this is tough on you, but just leave it be for now. Come here to vent.
Just remember, the more you contact your lawyer about stuff, the more it's wracking up costs on your end. Make your contact w/your lawyer count, i.e., lists of questions and items missing when you do meet will help is cutting the costs of picking up the phone or emailing him/her a lot.
I thought I would just chime in here even though my situation is a bit different. The legislation about what you can and cannot do is different given where you live.
My lawyer - after giving me a very broad wink - told me that I cannot deny my STBX access to the marital home by changing the locks. I chose to not change the locks but what I did do was to install a security system made up of old cell phones (Android IP Webcam tied to the free Russian IVideon service). I then sent her a note telling her about the cameras. You could just send a note that you "may" be putting a security system in. That should reduce the unannounced visits.
What was a big concern for me after talking to divorced friends was keeping the whole process as simple and as cheap as reasonably possible. One phrase that I used that my lawyer quite liked was "arguing about nickels in the couch cushions". Quite often the items in question are worth less than the legal fees to talk about like the TV currently in question. When my STBX and her brother stripped the house back in July 2016 a lot of things left that I still miss. I chose to not make a fuss about them and my blood pressure and bank account are the better for it.
LAJar - I'd like you to give some hard thought to what you want out of the end-game. If you want "fairness" - that's going to cost you in legal fees, pain and drama. Some people go this path. I did a post on my thread a couple of months ago I think talking about anger and how I was working on the attitude that she wasn't worth my anger and didn't deserve it. I've largely let it go. From many points of view I didn't get "fair" - a four letter word beginning with F. But I did get peace and a path forward.
In the end I got a pretty good settlement. The last meeting went smoothly by me suggesting and the other side agreeing to round numbers for a lot of valuations. We decided for example that the value of property left behind was roughly equivalent to what she took without bothering to do an actual inventory of the property involved.
Now in my case too, I'm the higher wage earner and knew that no matter what that I was going to get hosed. I chose the path of least pain to get her gone.
Just some things to think about.
Hi, I just wanted to chime in with the good advice given by others. I would certainly keep the focus on the bigger picture - and that does mean letting some things go. Don't let the big things go, but do let the smaller things go - would be my advice.
In my situation, I agonised about whether to include funds spent on OW whilst we were still M. These ran to many £000's and of course impacted on the overall asset base. However, we were lucky enough to have significant assets to divide and I was thankful for that and let the OW issue go.
I focused on achieving a fair settlement in 'our circumstances' (7 years married and no kids together.) Total asset base - minus I take what I brought in and XH the same. Then we divide remaining assets (ie: the asset growth) 50/50.
That is what I held out for and achieved, and it is the normal arrangement in a situation like ours.I should mention that the settlement I received ended up being roughly double that which XH originally proposed.
So, be clear about the big stuff, and try not to get bogged down in the small stuff. To my mind, the big stuff is making sure you control access to assets as Job has suggested.
Hope this helps a little anyway! :-)
Sorry, I should say - the big stuff 'right now' is...
Thank you to everyone for all of your advice.
Own, I understand I shouldn't contact my L over every little issue. I needed to respond to an email re. my financials, so I decided to tack that on and mostly just to ask what I am legally allowed to do. Unfortunately, I am not able to change the locks. I asked. Yes, I'm not that far down but because I have very limited contact, it seems that has pushed me further along. I don't initiate any contact. This is the first time, since the week he left that I've contacted him. I don't plan on contacting him again, but I'm at a loss on what I do about the sale of our house. I or my RE agent will need to contact him in order to list. Using L to do this, is a waste of more $. I am not ready to push the D forward. At this time, it needs to be all him. I also only told him about serving me because my L said I should, but I will not do that again. I get what you're saying and am completely (relatively speaking) happy to not contact him.
job, L suggested I also video all of the rooms. I know he's taken other things but haven't said much until now w/ the lights & some thing that belonged to my mom. The other items ticked me off, but I let them go. Again, he will not hear from me on this matter, until it's brought up by my L.
AndrewP, I contemplated security cameras initially and it was really more so because I am a single woman, living in a new house, new community. I didn't end up doing that, but will think again about that, depending on how long I keep the house. It's just extremely frustrating that he comes and goes as he pleases. Now the neighbors are starting to wonder what's going on because 1. we're new to the community and 2. it's probably obvious H is no longer there. Two have come over when my father was there and were fishing. One told him that H had been to the house at midnight and was in a new truck. I have no idea what he took that time because the TV was removed on Monday. I get it, MLC, but what does he think he's doing?!
What I want out of the end game, yes, is fairness. H has gone on and on about wanting this to be civil and amicable. He's done nothing of the sort. I feel like he made these choices and now I'm made to "suffer" the consequences. In a perfect world, we would split things fairly, but I would like 1st say on some of these things. I feel like that's only right, but that's only my opinion. If I chuck the fairness, I want my sanity and some financial stability. I'm willing to let some things go in order to achieve that, but not all. He believes if he paid for it, it's his and that includes his pension, retirement accounts. That will be my biggest fight. I've been told I'm ineligible for almost 1/2 of our down payment. It was a gift from his father & the gift letter only had his name on it. Anything I get after that wouldn't even cover all of the my 401K withdrawl for home improvements. IF we make anything extra, it will be due to the improvements, but that's a big if.
It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. The reality of my situation vs. his, is humbling/ego bruising, to put it mildly. I am staying in a room at my parents house on a twin bed, living out of bags, on the verge of selling my house while I'm alone. He, on the other hand, is in a new condo with a new person, life and possibly car. Four months ago, I never would have thought my life would be here. It's a lot to digest.
I see what you're saying though and need to think again about the small stuff and prioritize. Assets that will give me long-term stability will be my big battle and where my energy should go.
I need to refocus and keep the crazy to a minimum. job, as you suggested, I will continue to use the boards to vent. Thank you to you all for giving me a shake and helping me clear the fog a bit. To a better day...
sotto,
Thanks for stopping by. Seems like it's the general consensus to let the smaller things go. How can you argue with experience?! Your settlement is what I thought would be "fair" to both of us as well - married just shy of 10 and no children. However, he's thrown out numbers to me that he's pulling from thin air. I may not even be eligible for what he's proposed! He just does not want me to touch his pension. Sorry, but that's what I need to do. I need to remember that and move on from the TV, etc., at least for now.
Any and all thoughts help. I appreciate the time you've taken to give them.
The D part of MLC is very upsetting
I can tell you after its over and all is decided its a relief
try to eat and sleep rest and take care of you-
In the end a thing or 2 isn't going to matter
I sense what bother s you more is the fact that he is in a nice condo with OW and you are alone
His life seems lovely and yours painful---right now maybe--
BUT
Usually the tables turn quite a bit for most MLCers and LBS
Just takes time
Not that we wish them harm and pain but their life choices just can't and don't lead to a happy existance
treating spouse badly act usually has an effect on them -maybe karma or replay just doesn't really bring the kind of peace and joy we all seek-
keep on the path and trust
if you do the right things, your inner work and heal..It will get better
peace-
I can see how finalizing the D might be a relief. For most this is unchartered territory. I plan to do the right thing and it doesn't always end up that way, by my own hand and many times not. These forums are the closest thing to a manual we've got.
Absolutely OW is just a little (a lot of) extra salt on the wound. But where my life is at, is hard to swallow. In the blink of an eye it went to being a married family and homeowner and all of that is gone. I know his life looks all shiny and great on the surface, but I'm preaching to the choir, at how unfair this is. Honestly, sometimes I do wish he'd experience this same pain. I don't want him to be in pain, I just want him to understand what he's done. I told him before, if D is what he thought was best, I would accept that. It's the choices he's made in how to get there, that I don't agree with of course. It's funny, my family keeps saying how shocking all of this is, but he finally showed his true colors. I don't correct them, but inside I do. I am thinking, this isn't him. I am still defending him because I don't think this is who he really is. It's so painfully sad, I tear up as I type this.
peace, Random, but I have to comment on your writing style. Every time I read your responses to me, it's as if I'm reading a peaceful (no pun intended) poem. I thank you for your words and time.
LAJar,
My heart goes out to you. Yes, the journey you are on doesn't have a set path for you to follow. For each of us, it was unchartered territory, but in time, we came here and began the work of healing and using the tools that others had provided. A wise one said that we read the postings, learn the tools and the most valuable lesson is to take away those tools that we can use. The tools that you can't, just put them away.
LAJar, please trust me when I say that your h may realize at some point what type of hurt that you and your family have experienced because of his crisis. At this time, you are the one experiencing all of the pain and hurt and yes, you are facing these obstacles each and every day head on and some day, the pain will not be so great. At this time, your h is in La La Land and thinks that the world is wonderful. He is free to do whatever he wants, etc. But, one day, when the shine has worn off that word "freedom", that is when he will realize just what he has lost. Now, some will never admit they've messed up...but there are many who will regret all that they have done. Let's hope that your h will be strong enough to come out the other side and seek you out to make amends.
You love this man and you know that he's not acting like himself. None of them make wise/good choices when in crisis. Everything is spur of the moment or knee jerk reactions and we all know how those decisions sometimes turn out. His decisions are being made because he is very emotional and not thinking clearly or sitting on the ideas before implementing them.
I am so sorry you are here and having to deal w/this. I traveled this road many years ago and I still remember how I felt when the bomb was dropped on me. Take each hour/day as it comes and if you need to cry, please do so. No one should expect you to be Miss Suzy Sunshine all of the time. This MLC stuff is not for the faint of heart, but I have faith in you and I know that you will be more than "fair" in any decisions that you need to make.
Hi LAJar, I forgot the pension part. We decided to leave pensions out of the picture - and cars too. With pensions we both had good pension arrangements - his rather better than mine. But again I didn't pursue that avenue and no regrets. All of our circumstances are different though and others do share pensions etc...
Xx
hi peace,
thanks for checking in... i've been both busy and in a bit of a hole. I'm out of the hole now. I have been up and down with my moods and really just throwing myself into work, GAL, sister's baby shower this past weekend. Now that that is over, I realize how much time on my hands I have and that is hard.
Since I found out H has a new place w/ OW through FB, I have stayed away from his social media pages. As much as I am curious, it hurts too much to see how he has moved on... that is until yesterday. I was on my FB page and a section for "People you might know" came up and there was OW as a recommendation. She had a new profile pic of her, H and her D. Another rusty dagger to the heart. I will forever shake my head at each display of how he has moved on so quickly and as if S and I never existed. I was in a sleepy haze, so I quickly closed it and proceeded to have the worst, sleepless night I've had in the last 2 weeks.
Also in the last 2 weeks, I've had the opportunity to see and meet up w/ SIL. I don't push it, it's her initiating it. We texted a bit last night and I was telling her how happy I was to see FB pics of her cousin who has been helping take care of FIL during the days - meal prepping, running errands, socializing. She said it's been working out great and she's also so happy. Then tells me cousin has said she sees fear in FIL's eyes when H comes over. He has no patience for his father and treats him as if he doesn't have dementia. Told SIL I was surprised life wasn't now perfect w/ me out of it and R w/ FIL miraculously healed. Don't understand if he's not taking care of FIL, why he should display such impatience? Rhetorical question, I know why. Anyway, I was surprised to get a call from SIL today asking if I was busy on Thursday and would I like to get a massage after work. I said sure. She then tells me H called her H and asked if he'd like to get a drink on Thurs. SIL says she thinks H wants to introduce OW to them and SIL will not be joining. She told her H she'd rather hang out with me. I appreciated the support, but [censored] that hurts! We are still married, still haven't been served and he is parading this "person" around as if.
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with my home and knowing I need to get moving on selling it. The holidays are busy enough without throwing in the sale prep and packing. Worse yet, I have to contact H to discuss exactly how we will proceed. I wanted to put some time in b/t our last horrible interaction and my next outreach, which will be via email. I'm feeling like a chicken because I just don't want to deal with him. I can make the excuse that I'd rather wait until after Thanksgiving, but then we start getting close to December for even just an email. I feel stuck.
With that being said, I'm feeling better and even with these latest blows, I'm hurting but getting back up more quickly. Here's to progress.
Job,
Thank you for taking the time to stop and write some lovely words of encouragement.
I see when you say some day the pain will not be so great. Even just 4 months later, I am fighting to get back up much more quickly than even 2 months ago. It is still a battle and one that I wish I never had to experience, but I hope I will be stronger and better off when I come out the other side. I say when, because I know I will. I have had other significant R's that were not great and I landed on my feet, I just thought this one was different. And as much as I want H to be strong enough to one day realize the pain and make amends, the idea makes me resentful. Why then? Why when I've moved on and no longer want this R? Why not before when I would have been willing to work on it and move forward together? I know this is assuming he ever has that realization, but my last 2 significant R's it's happened that way. I tried and tried and when I gave up, they came back. I can't stand the idea of H, who was supposed to be so different, doing the same.
I am trying my best, I really am. I no longer cry everyday, but I do cry. I just work to pick myself up and move forward. I am having more better days now and I am encouraged by that, but so don't look foward to those bad days when they come. I am finding my way through this new normal of being single and alone. My sister's baby shower this weekend, I saw myself simply hiding. I couldn't bear the thought of someone asking where was H (co-ed shower) and me having to lie again. Or most would see this as not a bad problem, but having someone compliment me on my weight loss. I put on about 25 lbs. throughout our R and since I'm just a bit over 5 ft, it showed. Since BD, I have lost about 20 lbs. and it also shows. I've had so many questions on how I've done it and how great I look. If they only knew! Don't get me wrong, ultimately I'm happy to have dropped the weight, but I'm just as embarrassed at the why.
Your words are a part of what gets us newbies to the other side and I appreciate that dearly. It's why after being gone for a couple of weeks, I come back and feel such a release. Thank you again job. I can't say your words mean more than you know, becuase you do know, but just thank you.
LA--
Glad to see your update. Sounds like you are doing great. I have crying jags most days. They don't last that long, but I just let them come. Good that you have perspective and other relationships that you can look to for reference.
Congrats on your weight loss (if not the way anyone wants to do it) and for keeping it off.
You are doing great for where you are in the process!!! (But stay off his FB).
Hi
Glad to hear you are doing better
I know it is hard to see them move on and their new life with OW looks so wonderful
but trust me it usually does not last and how could it really
OW is living with a M man--that says a lot about her
My XH did the same, he them M her and D her-
Glad You and SIL are working things out
I like the fact that I can reach out to XH sisters on occasion and they are always there
they know and understand the truth..MY XH Family hated OW and she was banned from their homes..
It is a tough way to lose weight but also very common among us LBS
Enjoy looking great! buy a new outfit, get a new hairstyle
as time passes you may get an apology..just remember I don't think the MLCer ever forgets the pain they caused..many of them do apologize in some way-
Own and peace,
Yes, I am feeling better. I try not to resist the crying when it comes on (unless I'm in public), but I am happy that it has lessened. Now that I've lost the weight, I can't be too upset at it and keeping it off by going to the gym, provides a great distraction and activity in the evenings.
Peeking at FB is tempting, but I know far less outweighs, being blind to what he's doing and his "happy" life. Can't say I'll never look, but I am really trying my best not to do it.
I am also happy that SIL is reaching out. She's having a really hard time with what her brother his doing. Part of it is that she never thought he was capable of being a cheater/abandoner and the other half, I think, she feels her mother would be so upset if she was still alive. My MIL, was a dream MIL. Just a genuinely nice person, but she was also supportive to me when she saw H doing things that were wrong. It didn't matter if he was her son. I appreciated that because I know that's hard to do.
As we approach the holidays, I'm going to continue trying to keep busy. Being alone for the holidays is sad, but not overwhelmingly so, so I'm just going to try to make the best of things. Ask me in a few days and I might think differently, but that's where I'm at right now. S is coming home today for Thanksgiving and I am really excited to see him. I have some fun things planned for us.
Hope you both have a great Friday!
Hi there,
Glad you are doing well and planning fun stuff for you and your son
That means a lot to our kids to see us strong consistent and steady on the path of healing
I believe our kids will learn this from us so when crises hit in their lives -they will have had a strong example of how to get through stuff
Happy Thanksgiving!
Update: Thankfully life has been very busy and I haven't been able to get to the boards in a while or wallow in my misery... as much. It's been over a month since I have looked at his FB page (small wins), which is the only way I have a clue into his life, but also a huge source of hurt for me. That has helped immensely. Pretending he doesn't exist and just moving forward gets me through the day. I survived Thanksgiving pretty well, only 1 short cry that day, but overall I enjoyed myself. However, the unfortunate part of pretending he doesn't exist is that I feel I'm not dealing with things. Also that's because nothing is actually happening. I'm still 5 months out with the divorce filed but I haven't been served. I'm still not there yet either. I am not at the point where I'm ready to make the move to file either.
This past weekend I decided to get out of the house, run some errands and do some Xmas shopping. I had also thought about going to church as well, since it's been awhile. As I was finishing up at one store, my SIL texted to invite me over to celebrate her husband's birthday. I was in the neighborhood and would stop by when I was done. I haven't seen anyone from that side, other than SIL and her husband, since BD and that included FIL. I get to her house & realize there were more people there than I anticipated and was feeling a little awkward. I knocked and no one heard, so I walk in and first enountered FIL. He greeted me with a hello and I hugged him, but could tell he didn't recognize me (his dementia). That saddened me. SIL greeted me warmly and went to show me her new step-grandaughter. Apparently, I was a surprise and she hadn't told anyone I was coming. It wasn't a big gathering but you know the first time you encounter people who have heard about your situation, it's uncomfortable. As I was looking at the baby, my SIL leaned over to tell me one of H's friends was there. I caught my breath and told her I didn't think it was a good idea I was there. She said, no, he's very mad at H. Surprising, because this was the same friend I reached out to when H left, said he was out of town and would call when he returned and never did. And when H acknowledge my text to his friend, H said friend said he had told me in the past our lack of intimacy was an issue, I never fixed it, so what did I expect (paraphrasing). I walked outside and boy was friend surprised. Friend's gf whom I had met once, hugged me and said she was so glad to see me and then friend proceeded to spill it on H and OW. They have met her. Friend's gf said she's a leech, she's clinging to H for dear life because she has nothing. She's a single mother and only works part-time. I knew this already and am also a single parent and unless you're independently wealthy, you're getting your $ from somewhere if it isn't a job. She has an ex who was supporting her and decided to stop once H came into her life. Told her to leave the apartment he was paying for, took the car back that he paid, any bills in his name were removed. H decided he needed to save her and find her (and him) a place to live, so he asked friend to allow them to stay in his converted garage until they could get an apt. Friend said they stayed 2 months and promised rent. H was late or would avoid him when he didn't have the $. Friend's gf said they/she never left the room. They would invite them to watch baseball (H loves), sit in the back & have a drink, and because she wouldn't, he wouldn't. H has always been a pot smoker, not something that interested me, but OW is right on board with that. Friend said they probably do it right in front of OW's daughter because there was nowhere else to do it when they lived in that room. They ended up staying w/ friend longer than a couple of weeks because neither could get approval for a new apt. Friend said they could tell OW has $ in her eyes. H comes from a good family and my FIL has a beautiful house, H has a well-paying, stable job. She sees the potential.
When friend recounted what H had told him about our R, he of course rewrote history. Said it had been 3 years since we had sex! Made it seem like he asked all the time and I denied him. Said we went to counseling for it and it didn't work. None of this is true and it's sad and disgusting that he's using this as his main excuse to others. Friend even said, if it was true, what kind of husband leaves their wife just for that?! SIL also admitted that H has been asking FIL for $ to pay our mortgage and to repair his car. I wondered how he was surviving paying our mortgage, rent and other life expenses. H also told friend he's been trying to serve me, but he's been unsuccessful because I'm "hiding". Imagine that?! I was probably locked away in my house for 3 months, only leaving to go to work and the gym after work or run errands. I was home at least 75% of the time outside of work. He could have done service by mail. Such BS.
I was happy to correct some of those blatant lies. I felt some relief when they confirmed my suspicions about OW. With that being said, I couldn't help but feel sad for where he is at in life. I don't claim to be an angel and definitely enjoy life, like to have fun, but I try to make good life choices and be an example of a strong woman for my son. Friend said H just wants the party lifestyle and OW doesn't stop him or also participates. I agree somewhat, but believe it's a bit deeper than that. I believe H has always felt like he wasn't living up to FIL's expectations, running around and getting into trouble as a teenager, not wanting to go to college. Finally in his mid to late-twenties, he got a stable job and became more consistent. In his early-thirties, met me. SIL says I was the opposite of many of his ex's and MIL was happy. I was "normal" and stable, but I wasn't the same kind of "fun" the other's were. I'm not saying H was trying to have that same kind of fun, but for instance, when I wanted us to be more pracitcal and measured with $ or thoughtful when it came to decisions about our home, I wasn't "fun". In fact, as far as he was concerned, I was critical - just like FIL.
Midway through the party, my SIL came up to me and said FIL remembers you. He came oustide, told me he has "the dementia" and proceeded to chatter away about what he's been up to. My SIL was going to call an Uber to take him home and he asked if I could. I said sure, and SIL said no, we can call an Uber. FIL, said no, she said she can take me home and so I did. That really made me happy.
Among other things, these revelations are making me question our marriage completely. I was happy (mostly), thought he was responsible (mostly). Maybe he wasn't happy becuase this wasn't the life he really wanted? Maybe he resented being responsible? This is a lot to process; thankfully I see my IC tomorrow.
Hi
wow thats a lot to process
Sound like you did well and got some confirmations
The Mlcer does seem to pick the troubled woman who needs rescuing
maybe it makes them feel better about themselves
My XH said he met his "equal" in his OW
she "got" and understood him and looked up to him
and I guess I was a nag and probably wanted to change him
Anyway it didn't last b/c they are D now
and unfortunately your H will figure it out in his own time
they do rewrite the history and lie a lot
keep moving forward and taking care of yourself
In time you will be more OK with it all
LAJar,
According to my stbx she was pretending to be stable and responsible for 20+ years and just couldn’t do it anymore. Truth or re writing history? I don’t know but as the folks here have said...does it really matter?
In the end it doesn't really matter, because what's going to happen is going to happen.
It WAS a lot to process, then Tuesday comes and you've got something new. I was finally served yesterday, at work no less. I am insanely private and have only told two good friends at work what is going on. Mid-afternoon, the nosy receptionist comes to my desk, stand next to me and whispers that some is downstairs at security with a summons for me. I held my breath for a second, brought myself back to present and said ok, thanks. Mortified and can't wait to hear that she's told others about this. I went down to the lobby and I asked the process server if that was for me. He confirmed my name, handed it to me and that was it. It wasn't even in an envelope and looked like it had been in someone's backseat for months. The filing was pathetic and the absolute bare minimum effort H could put into it. Of course! One of the forms even said we have minor children and he literally filed 6 days after he left.
I got through work and didn't cry until I got to my car. I am so thankful this didn't happen right after he filed. I don't think I would have held up as well as I did. It still hurts and is a big dose of reality slammed in my face. This thing is really moving forward and there's nothing I can do. So, yup Gordie, truth/rewriting history... doesn't really matter.
so sorry
I remember the night someone came to my home unannounced to serve me
its kind of a crappy thing that some paid stranger hand delivers such painful news
hang in there
I can say that post D was a real relief
it was over,,,didn't have to think about it anymore
didn't have to fear it
you will be ok
Agree re being served. I hated every second of it and felt humiliated, embarrassed and very, very angry. I am not the sort of person who gets served summonses. I try to do the right thing, in my private life and public, and to be named as respondent on those papers made me feel so bad.
I doubt I will ever forgive that. Well....I doubt I'll ever forgive anything. I like bttrfly's idea of 'fierce compassion' - it's going to take something like that to deal with the anger I feel towards XH for making me out to be the one who smashed our family up.
Peacetoday is right though. Now that it's done, it can't be undone. The other shoe has dropped. He has done one of the worst things he could've done - which takes out a very large gun from his armoury. When these people run out of ammunition they might actually have a moment to stop and think things through, and that's when I expect they'll figure out they are best off giving up trying to hurt us.
I always feel badly for those who are served. It's just not a good thing to have happen and more importantly at work or around the holidays.
My former h had his lawyer send me the papers in the mail. I received them several days after Christmas and she used 1 cent stamps versus putting a regular stamp on the envelope. I thought that it was a tacky way of doing business and I laugh about it now.
Let's pray that these fools wake up and come to realize that they are the ones that wrecked their relations w/their families.
peace, You wrote it exactly, I have such fear of the D process and anxiety anticipating and thinking about it. It's not surprising, but I just don't know why it is fear. I feel so much more fearful of things I had never considered before. It's not fear of dying, getting sick, getting robbed, typical stuff. It's fear of this D. Fear of going back to my home alone. I can live in a new home alone, just not the one we bought together. Such an odd realization.
devvo, It was humiliating. As peace said, to allow a stranger to deliver this blow served up by someone you thought was your best friend and family, is hard to wrap your brain around. I understand D is difficult, but the way most MLCer handle it, in the worst way, to exact the most pain. Was it necessary to serve me at work and during the holidays? I get he claimed I was hiding, but really was that necessary?! All of it felt very vindictive. I hope you're right devvo and he soon runs out of this ammunition. I doubt it, considering he still has to see my response to the D. He won't like me asking/getting anything he doesn't feel I should have.
job, I obviously knew I was going to be served at some point. I had just hoped he'd finally just send it by mail. His L did when notifying me he had been retained. That was over a month ago, in reverse order. Notify me of L, then serve me... ridiculous. Funny, he used to send me flowers to work. Never thought he'd send D paperwork there too.
I do pray this fool wakes up at some point and has this realization, before all of the damage is irreperable. I don't think I'll be around to see it either way, but that's how much I still love the old him. I don't want this to affect his life forever. How much he's changed in such a short period of time. Again I shake my head.
LAJar,
That just stinks. I’m so sorry. I hate that feeling of...humiliation. I know it well. But you know what? I have come to realize that I have nothing to be ashamed about. When I had to tell my boss I needed to take time off to deal with my pending divorce...yes, I felt humiliated and ashamed. And then I asked myself why do I feel that way? And there was no good reason...when I do that I am being so judgmental towards...me!