http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...191#Post2744191Old thread above.
So, a few weeks have moved on, and we're still here
For those of you still following this, the last great action of Huddy was to throw (not literally)W out of the flat. Her constant selfishness finally got me so annoyed, she had to go.
W contrived to keep my S away from me on his birthday (it should have been a day he should have been here), so, I called him instead. Very difficult with his autism.
I've had the kids this weekend. We've had great fun going to the toy superstore, rides on buses and trains, pizza night and then, to day, a trip to a new ice cream parlour that's opened near me. Kids really happy and relaxed.
I had been paying W's maintenance to her by cheque. Earlier this year she asked if I could 'direct pay' in to her bank account, as this 'suited her better'. Hmmm.....in my usual nice guy manner, I did this, but have now started paying by cheque due to her attitude. She tried numerous text messages to get me to pay money in, but I just ignored them. I know it sounds churlish, but why am I doing things that facilitate her 'new' life?
W came today to pick up the kids and launched in to a tirade about her having no money and having to subsidise my SD as her student loan money had been stopped (W forgot to mention that the reason for this was my SD having to stay at home to deal with something my W had got wrong in the first place). She then launched in to another tirade about how she doesn't she why she should bring the kids to me (I don't have a car, and by the time I'd gone on the bus to get them, due to the distance, it would be time to bring them home again) which then got a follow up about having no money (again - I had bought my S some new shoes) to buy things with etc. etc.
I don't react anymore - it's better for my blood pressure. I am away next weekend for a 'lads' weekend. It'll be good to let my hair down. W drove away badmouthing me to the kids - that's wrong in so many ways as I never do that about W, angry and distressed, but it's all of her own making.
I still have lonely moments, and have found I'm doing more work to try and compensate. You do know notice the change in yourself over time. I still love her though - if only she could se her way through the mess.
Alright big chap?
had been paying W's maintenance to her by cheque. Earlier this year she asked if I could 'direct pay' in to her bank account, as this 'suited her better'. Hmmm.....in my usual nice guy manner, I did this, but have now started paying by cheque due to her attitude. She tried numerous text messages to get me to pay money in, but I just ignored them. I know it sounds churlish, but why am I doing things that facilitate her 'new' life?
Dude that sounds like you are trying to punish her. Forget that. I get the whole feeling the loss thing but really? How the hell can you be the lighthouse when she's sitting at home seething at your stubbornness? Think about it. This isn't a game of tit for tat. Pay the money into her account and be the bigger man.
This isn't about facilitating her new life and more about your kids being looked after.
Mate if your kids need new shoes just get them new shoes. It's not worth mentioning. If you're expecting her to react to that then from now on don't expect it. That's the issue here. I think you would benefit from reading ... Stop doing thing and expecting a positive reaction from her. It isn't a contractual agreement.
Birthdays are always tough. I get that mate but you'll work
That out.
As for the car. Have you actually tried to talk to her? And I mean talk not argue. Why not ask her why she cant bring them and why it's such an inconvenience.
Why can't you get a car? Coz mate if it were me I'd make sure I could go and get my kid.
I have made it patiently clear to my ExW that I depend on her for nothing. Not a thing. That co dependency is gone. Perhaps with your STBEX that may be a good thing.
Hang in there mate. You'll get it.
Peace
Hi NDY
Not bad thanks - how's you?
Yeah, a bit of punishment I guess. Why should I do nice things for her, when she constantly shites on me from a great distance? It's always the kids she uses as a weapon. She says she won't bring the kids to me now on a Tuesday (as she has been doing for the past 18 months) because it's 'too much trouble for her'. So, here's the rub. I come home from work, jump on two buses to get to her (journey time of 60 minutes), bring them to mine (again, 60 minutes) before I would have to take them back again (so, another 60 each way), whereas, it would take her 30 in her car. No, it's just another way to hurt me. I can't afford a car - simple as.
I bought S some new shoes today. Of course, the shoes I bought weren't good enough for her, claiming that he needed a different size, colour etc. despite me getting his feet measured. In fact, I have bought the kids their shoes for the past few times, outwith the maintenance cash I give her, as she can't get it together to do it herself.
Whilst I see what you're saying about being the lighthouse, I don't think she wants to be 'rescued'. Her next boob repair is at the end of the month - that is her focus right now, nothing else.
Hi Huddy , for me the lighthouse is living your life and living it well. I understand that W does not want to be rescued right now but a lighthouse is.always there , just in case.
I was impressed by your post , it seems you are moving forward.
're the kids and dropping them off , just my thoughts here but it seems like that's a problem you have to solve. Car can be very cheap mate , I don't know your circumstances but could you reduce W s cheque to allow for a cheap run around?
NDY makes the point that he relies on his ex for nothing and I'm the same. It's a nightmare sometimes juggling work and kids collections but it was my way forward for.detachment and dropping all expectations.
Obviously we all have different sitchs but at the end of the day we all need to deal with what's be handed to us. For me your W is as lost as she ever was and maybe that's the way it will be forever.
I read on here along time ago that the time to realise that someone was done was when they didn't care anymore and they really didn't react to you other how a stranger might. Your W can get a reaction out of you easily, I'm not saying you are at fault but in my case W might text how she's missing her home or family life and in the same text mention some small thing like her dad is unwell, I respond about any point to do with the kids , wish her dad well and that's it, I don't get into a conversation about her feelings because that's attachment to me.
Just my thoughts mate , your getting stronger , just let go resentment for your sake not hers.
Take care Rd
Hi Huddy , for me the lighthouse is living your life and living it well. I understand that W does not want to be rescued right now but a lighthouse is.always there , just in case.
I was impressed by your post , it seems you are moving forward.
're the kids and dropping them off , just my thoughts here but it seems like that's a problem you have to solve. Car can be very cheap mate , I don't know your circumstances but could you reduce W s cheque to allow for a cheap run around?
NDY makes the point that he relies on his ex for nothing and I'm the same. It's a nightmare sometimes juggling work and kids collections but it was my way forward for.detachment and dropping all expectations.
Obviously we all have different sitchs but at the end of the day we all need to deal with what's be handed to us. For me your W is as lost as she ever was and maybe that's the way it will be forever.
I read on here along time ago that the time to realise that someone was done was when they didn't care anymore and they really didn't react to you other how a stranger might. Your W can get a reaction out of you easily, I'm not saying you are at fault but in my case W might text how she's missing her home or family life and in the same text mention some small thing like her dad is unwell, I respond about any point to do with the kids , wish her dad well and that's it, I don't get into a conversation about her feelings because that's attachment to me.
Just my thoughts mate , your getting stronger , just let go resentment for your sake not hers.
Take care Rd
Hi NDY
Not bad thanks - how's you?
Good mate, really good.
Yeah, a bit of punishment I guess. Why should I do nice things for her, when she constantly shites on me from a great distance?
See the problem here? This isn't about doing 'nice' things for her. This is about the most convenient way to look after your kids. I get that paying her direct may well feel like enabling but it also reads like you're holding onto a little bit of power of your own, otherwise known as holding the rope.
It's always the kids she uses as a weapon.
Be careful you don't end up doing the same. It's not fare on the kids.
I can't afford a car - simple as.
If it's that important to you you will figure something out. Depending on her and her refusal to help just builds resentment. That's not good for anyone.
I bought S some new shoes today.
That's nice. Good man.
Of course, the shoes I bought weren't good enough for her, claiming that he needed a different size, colour etc. despite me getting his feet measured.
Not good enough for her? Emm, so? You bought the shoes for your S not her. You don't need nor want her approval.
In fact, I have bought the kids their shoes for the past few times, outwith the maintenance cash I give her, as she can't get it together to do it herself.
Good. At least the kids have good shoes. That's the main thing.
Whilst I see what you're saying about being the lighthouse, I don't think she wants to be 'rescued'. Her next boob repair is at the end of the month - that is her focus right now, nothing else.
Perhaps, perhaps not. You're still mind reading. Focus on you not her.
Mate these are all just my opinions as you know. I'm not an expert but what I can say is that once you finally let it all go you will start to feel a million times better.
Peace
A random punishment, like undoing something you were already doing is very punitive. And in the grand scheme of things, it is very easy to give her money that way and you aren't going above and beyond to make that happen.
So when you become very punitive to punish, what is she going to do? Tell you the shoes you bought your son weren't the right ones. She is going to be nit picky right back atcha. And those are childish games, nobody benefits, and it expends more energy than it's worth. My ex and I did it for a while. And one day I decided "enough". And he did follow my lead. And we live in peace now.
When you start to care less about how your actions and decisions impact her life, and more about how they impact yours, you will find greater peace. That's how it happened for me. I used to make too many decisions based upon if I was "condoning his choices" and I would always want to punish him somehow. Then after a good hammering with 2x4's from here, I realized I was hurting no one but myself and sometimes my daughter. Now, If it something that benefits her, it gets done. I don't give a crap about what affect it has on him.
The truth is, they usually follow you lead unless they really are a raging narcissist. I am sure we all call our ex's narcisissts, and to some degree they are, but few are really that bad. But the more peace you put out there, the more will come in return. You will work better together. but inconsistencies such as just stopping the bank transfer for no good reason, is childish behavior. And it will only breed more childish behavior from her. It will NEVER get a positive response.
It took time for me to get it, I know it will take time for you. But you'll get there.
Hi Huddy, I think others have already advised wisely and I agree that it will be freeing for you when you are able not to go around this same loop again with your W. The loop being - I'm being helpful in hope of a possible reconciliation - now you did something I didn't like - so I'm being unhelpful and ensuring there is a consequence because now I'm annoyed - and you are annoyed with me too...
Avoiding the above repeating dynamic will be really helpful I think.
This is a great reminder to us all Sotto.
Huddy, at the end of the day you will feel better about yourself by being the bigger person. That is worth more than making her annoyed.
Hi Huddy - regarding the Tuesday drop off, my advice? Consider paying her extra (in cash) for driving the kids to you and graciously thank her for driving them to you each week. She prefers to be paid in cash and she is saving you time, money and the hassle of driving/bussing the kids. If not for her you'd either need to maintain a car or jump through all sorts of hassle to transport them via bus.
I know you are angry but truth be told, you are fortunate that she drives them to you weekly. She takes a load off your financial and work plate by doing so.
Hi All
Thanks for the 2x4's. Yes, anger got the better of me, and I didn't want to enable her. Difficult judgement call as to which is which.
Lot's to think about - back soon
Hi All
Thanks for the 2x4's. Yes, anger got the better of me, and I didn't want to enable her. Difficult judgement call as to which is which.
Lot's to think about - back soon
The cheque thing is passive aggressive Huddy. Text me if you want to chat.
Btw looking good without the beard.
Ha ha ! Thanks bud! Will give you a text this week
There is a lot of judgement, criticism and mindreading in your recent posts about W. This is the right place to let that out but if you are carrying that with you all the time, it will drag you down. I understand where it comes from, why you feel how you do. It is understandable.
I read a while back that nicer people tended to be happier people.Do the nice thing BECAUSE it's the nice/right thing to do. It is not about whether she deserves it, it is about you being the best you possible.
I won't repeat what others have advised but you have gotten some good replies on this thread. Just remind me why W owns the car. Is it hers alone or did you buy it jointly? Regardless maybe you should look for more independence on the transport issue.
Best wishes
Happy father's day Huddy xoxoxo
Hi Bttrfly
Thanks. Spend a weekend with the kids. We went to the fayre on Saturday and had fish and chips and went to McDonald's and for Ice cream today. Really busy - a hectic couple of weeks.
First up - I went back to my home city for a long weekend catching up with a few old friends. Went for two 'very' long night outs on the Friday and Saturday. Needed the blow out and it was good for my confidence. Me and my mate danced with a few women - nothing silly, just a laugh, but good for the soul.
When I came back, my W had obviously heard form my SD where I'd been, as she started to send me texts about spending on her credit card. Well, I have no access to her credit cards, but the exchange let me know that W's finances are on a seriously shaky peg as she told me she was nearly at her credit limit. I said I could do nothing about it so the texts quickly ended.
I then went to an awards bash on Thursday. Unfortunately I'd attracted a cold, but still managed to enjoy myself.
Before we went to the fayre yesterday, W texted that she had made a eye appointment for my D on Father's Day. I said that we had plans, but could accommodate her. Within a minute, she'd come back to say she'd cancelled it all. Bizarre.
She has just picked up the kids and I noticed she has had a huge henna tattoo on her left arm. I like tattoos on a lady, but this just screams MLC. So, still in the mire, doing OK, feeling hot in the sun
Hey huddy
I thought I would pop in and check in how you are doing I remember well when I first got here you were one of the first people that chatted with me and I followed your posts for a very long time
It's tough when kids are involved and I can see a lot of how you react to your STBEX in myself
I have 4 kids and their always seems to be something that needs talking about with ex and it is really hard to not get attached or emotional when things get done differently to how you would like it done.
I love the fact that you buy the shoes and as has been said above it matters not if ex thinks they are ok you chose them your kid likes them ...end of.
Keep strong my friend life is short
Ghost
Well, haven't been here for a while, but noticed 'Ghost'had popped in to say hello. Well hello fella, hope you're doing OK.
I've had one of those bad weeks. Obviously something set this off - well, actually, my wedding anniversary. Yep, should have been 17 happy years, but it's not gone to plan.
The summer has come and gone. I took the kids away for holidays and the like, and W has had her second boob operation. I know that one of my sister in laws came up to look after her. She came over from Dubai of all places!
I have been doing alright, but the trigger of the anniversary certainly made me feel low. I haven't ben coming here because it's just too sad to see newbies popping up so often. What's going on in the world hey?
I was off the day of my anniversary, which I needed for a work event that I was taking part in over the last weekend. Again, there was a social event on the Saturday evening, but I haven't felt right all week.
W has dropped the kids of today and seems so cheerful - really happy, as if there wasn't a care in the world. Does she miss me? Unlikely on the evidence so far. The kids do, and I miss them so much. I felt really down on Thursday and had really dark thoughts.
I have got myself booked in to events and work is built up to such an extent that, with the kids, I haven't got a free weekend between now and Christmas. Indeed, I have booked to go away for a weekend in October.
Just when I thought I was doing so well, the anniversary has knocked the stuffing out of me a bit. I think it will take time for me to get back up again. Anyways, throwing myself in to work and quite a few social activities between now and Christmas, hoping that being busy will knock me back in to shape. Have began to comfort eat in the last month - more gym me thinks!
Bye for now
Hi Huddy , sorry to hear about your recent dip in form. Tiggers are a bit*h. On the dark thoughts , thats something you may want to chat with someone about , those kids of yours need their dad and need him fit and healthy.
Re W been really happy , who knows ? Maybe she is and maybe she isnt but either way shes getting on with her life and you have to continue with yours.
Good to hear you have social events lined up and work is keeping you busy.
Its a long tough journey Huddy and one we didnt want but we have to take. I feel im now enjoying my journey and you will get there. Detachment is a place we all need to get to , once you get here ( i visit it quite alot these days !!!!) its great.
Live your life and know that things do get better. Huddy deserves better than who your W now is.
Take care , Rd
Huddy, I've just posted similar on my thread. Seventh anniversary, birthday two days later and D's exam results the day after my birthday all made for an emotional bomb that has just exploded!
I need to remind myself that I will get through this as I have always done when these triggers are set off. You will too. Hang in there.
How is Huddy's world going?
A quick visit from me.
I have an inkling that 'Mrs Huddy' may have been reading some of my posts. Nothing concrete, but sometimes when I have posted something on here, her mood, reactions change. Well, if you are reading Mrs H, you know how much I still feel about you!
Not quite sure where we are on 'the journey'. All her cosmetic surgery is now done, and appears to now be healed. The latest purchase, is a private number plate for her car. It's as if everything I said was a waste of money, she's gone and done. If you're out of the UK, you can buy number plates that mean something to you. To me, they're just a plastic plate with letters on, but Mrs H always wanted one.
I thought she'd reached rock bottom when she dropped the kids off one day crying her eyes out, saying she couldn't cope etc. I sympathised, passed her tissues etc. and listened (the lighthouse), but in 48 hours she was different again. Is that a touch and go - I don't know and maybe Job could help with that one.
I've been working a lot. More work means more money to do things with the kids. Don't want any credit cards here! Also been hitting the gym more with extra weights. Hmmm, managed to get injured though, so are is very sore this week! Less gym more beer perhaps
Not interested in dating or all that right now. Of course I miss carnal adventures, but, I can't really commit to anything like that.
Weekend away at the end of the month, so that should be good. Can't think of anything else I can do to push this along. I can see some positive signs from her (eye contact, saying hello and goodbye, texting me odd things), but haven't shown any excitement - right or wrong? Not sure.
Anyway, bye for now
good to hear from you Huddy. I'd say keep focusing on your new life. It takes time, from all accounts. And, waving just in case: hi Mrs. Huddy!
xo
Thanks for the update.
Best of luck getting over the injury.
In case your suspicion is right, why would Mrs H be spying on you after all this time. Hmm interesting
Regardless like bttrfly said focus on you. Best wishes
Hi huddy
Just thought I would drop by I am in a much better place and I can see from your posts that you are making good progress
Huddy the comments made about getting a car is this not something you could budget for something called a cheap runner for £300 sometimes less it will do the job and make your life so much easier
Will chat again soon
Take care my friend
Ghost
RD you were right on many levels
Hi Huddy , how's things in sunny Scotland ?
Hi Rd/Ghost et al
Sunny in Scotland? Freezing cold more like! Still on the 'journey', but, putting up with les BS than before!
Had a weekend away in October (very boozy, out very late), working to bring in some Christmas pennies for the kids and then we had our Christmas night out last week. Video evidence has appeared of my dad dancing! So, still ambling along.
Mrs H is behaving oddly. I may have mentioned on another thread that she has been taking photographs of herself, almost daily. Some are clothed, some are nudes, some are simply pictures of her teeth, but in all, she has an inane smile on her face, as if she's trying to prove to herself that she's happy.
Our childcare arrangements are that I have the kids every second weekend. I always do something with them, if that be the Fireworks night, Christmas fayre - whatever, it doesn't matter. Sometimes Mrs H will ask for a picture, which I send to her on What's app. Sometimes I get a response straight back saying something like 'they look so happy', or she mixes it up by sending me a weird text, or,more often than not, radio silence.
Recently, she has been asking me to have the kids every weekend. I've been declining, as I feel this is an excuse for her to continue doing 'Replay' techniques, plus the excuses are different every time she asks. Once it was that she wanted to do things for my daughter, the next it was she wanted to get a job on Friday and Saturday nights and now it's that she's tired. I lost my temper last night and told her it was her choice that she was in this position and that I didn't want her to argue in front of the children, so I asked her to leave. She got angry about that, and stormed off - maybe that was a mistake, but I hadn't even got the coat off my back before an attack.
She has made connection via Facebook with an old friend from school days (36 years ago!) and I don't know if he has been the recipitent of the 'dodgy' photos. She has also acquired a new set of friends, much younger than her (early 30's - a good 2o years difference) and is now taking part in a burlesque dance group/keep fit class.
So, where are we? No idea. Christmas is coming up and I'm having the kids this year. I did invite her to the fireworks and Christmas Fayre and I got a 'Thanks, but I'm going out with my friends' in reply. I'm trying to be the lighthouse and be kind and supportive (she bought my son some really expensive boots, and I made great effort to praise that) and I'm tempted to ask her round for Christmas, but I'm not sure if that's a good move, as she is back to monstering behaviour again.
Stage? No idea. My best guess is somewhere towards end of Replay in to Liminality, but I don't know. She still keeps distancing our relationship as 'when we were together', and doesn't attempt any contact with me. Anyway, off to the fayre again today (different rides to try out!) and I have to get a present from Mrs H's Mum, who has sent some money to the kids, that W has asked me to spend with them. I have bought presents from the kids for her, but I think one from me wouldn't be a good idea.
Bye for now
Hi Huddy , good to see you post. You have been at the this for quite a while now and you have read enough on here to know that what ever ' stage ' your W is in doesnt really matter.
She has chosen a path and as we all know that's her choice. I think they do have some regrets but who knows for sure.
I think this is why this site offers the advice it does about moving forward and focusing on your life. Like your wife you have choices and if you choose to wait and see if she changes her path then all good.
We all take different amounts of time to deal with our sitches and we deal in different ways.
It's one thing to know what you need to do , another thing to do it , posting on here you sometimes get the 2 x 4s and its not nice but maybe they do help.
Anyway , great to see you post and have a great Xmas.
Take care, Rd
Hi RD
Yes, you have a good Christmas too! I did give her a Christmas card (just a one that said 'Merry Christmas' on it) and asked her if she wanted to see the kids on Christmas Day, but she's still mightily pissed that I dared to say no to her the other day! Nothing like a bit of guilt projection to cleanse the soul
Hope everyone had a good Christmas, and are looking forward to a Happy New Year.
Busy time here at Huddy central as I have the kids with me! We've been having a great time since Christmas Eve. I invited W over on Christmas Day, but she declined. No worries, thought it would be nice for the kids. She has called three times whilst they have been with me......and that leads in to the question!
Since September, W has been asking me to have at least one of the kids every weekend. Excuses have ranged from tiredness to wanting a job, but she asked again today. I'm in a quandary about this. On one hand, yes I'd love to see my kids every weekend (W seems to be struggling with my S who is Autistic), but I'm worried this is another MLC trick so she can spend time doing 'other' things. Then, I think to myself, is this some kind of reconnection motive. I'm confused. I did say to her that having the kids with her is what she wanted, and she replied that me having my S every weekend is what she now wanted, because he loved spending time with me. Any thoughts, people?
I do have a thought. Actually I have a few:)
I don't think having you take just one of the kids every weekend has anything to do with reconnection. Sorry. If she only wants one, she probably is really having a hard time handling him.
My other thought is, so what if this she wants to spend time doing "other" things. Your decision on taking your son every weekend should not be based on that at all. Either you want to, or you don't because you like having your own time every weekend to do your GAL. Neither is wrong. But your decisions shouldn't be based on what she choses to do with HER time.
You do what you want to do based on you, your S, and nobody else. Time to re-detach!
Hmmm.....Interesting take Ginger!
Of course I want to spend time with my S. I did say it wasn't fair that she just wanted to something with my D, but it came back around to 'he loves spending time with you' - so, by definition, is W saying she doesn't want to spend time with him?
The double standards are amazing though. In May, she didn't want to bring the kids over once a week, as it was 'disturbing' their (her) week. Now it suits and she's all guilty bashing!
Yes, I agree with Ginger. Don't be guided by the thought of - what will this mean for her? Does it mean I'm enabling her more, and she can go off and do X or Y.
Think more in terms of whether this is a good thing for you and for your S. Do you want to have your S with you every weekend. Does that work for you, does it work for him? If the answer is yes, go for it and don't even worry about what that may mean for your W.
Glad you have had a happy Xmas and hope you guys are enjoying the snow up there!
Hi Sotto
It works for me most weeks. I just don't want to be enabler. Good wishes to you as well:)
Hi Sotto
It works for me most weeks. I just don't want to be enabler. Good wishes to you as well:)
If what you chose to do is right for you and your son and the side effect does indeeed enable your WAW to do what she wants, why do you care? She's gonna do what she's gonna do.
I know it's a crappy reality. When I stopped worrying about how the outcome of my decisions would affect my Ex I felt like I was finally free.
Hi Huddy, 2018 is a new year , make it for you and your kids , nothing and no one else matters.
're seeing your S more, how great is that !!!! How many parents in your sitch get the chance to see more of their kids? If that helps or hinders others , so what ??
New year , new mindset, live your Life my friend.
Take care, Rd
Hi RD
Good to hear from you!
Yes, you're right, what does it matter in the long run? I have told her that I can have my S this coming weekend. I still think I'm enabling her, but, I suppose I can't stop anything.
I’ve said it before mate and I’ll say it again.
Just let it go.
She’ll do what she wants anyway. You’re not part of her plan. I hear you about enabling but she will do it anyway. You can’t stop it.
Let it go.
Peace bro.
NDY!
Hey bud. Hope Christmas went well for you, E and the Fox
I hear you. Spending some quality time with my S for a coupe of days. Sadly, W has decided to not let him got to S's birthday dinner in two days time, so we're going for a burger instead.
She called twenty minutes after she left today, saying S looked 'sad' today when she left. She sounded teary eyed and was checking on him. I just said 'of course he's sad to see you leave', and left it at that. She promised to call him tonight, but nothing yet (mind you, her memory is shot to pieces, as she promised to call the kids one day last week and missed the target by 16 hours!).
I know she'll do what she wants anyway. Somebody said to me, she might be doing this to make sure I'm not going out meeting anyone. I wouldn't have been so vain to have thought of that, but hey, let's get 2018 going! Plans afoot to go on holiday with the kids in the summer!
but hey, let's get 2018 going! Plans afoot to go on holiday with the kids in the summer!
Now that’s what I like to hear.
I'm bemused!
First, W failed to call my S,as promised, on Monday evening. I'm guessing that's guilt on her part leaving him on the dinner time. She failed to call him yesterday, and on my D's birthday today, I called, she didn't answer and gave it immediately to my D, who was then suppose to give it to S to talk. His communication is poor, so passed it on to me. W tried to end the conversation very quickly.
W sent me a text later asking if me and S were back from our shopping trip (we were off to buy D her present), despite me saying I'd tell her when. I replied and gave her a time to pick S up. She texted a couple of hours later to change that.
When W pitches up to pick up S (with my D, whom I gave present too etc.) she proceeded to tell me she didn't want me to have S this weekend after all and that she thought I could do with some different furniture!
So, really what's all this been about? I am beginning to think this is a massive anchor exercise (test to see if I will still do things for her [check]; test to see if I am still attached [check]) and I'm not sure what to do next. I certainly don't want to harm my relationship with my children, and certainly don't want to be seen as a hard ass, but I don't want this, otherwise it'll never end. Her mood has changed too from monster to genial.
Back to NC? Well, that's the plan, but is it working? I'd say not, but I can't think of an alternative. Is she near the bottom? Maybe, but she just can't get there.
Huddy,
Keep those expectations at zero. They will say that they are going to do such and such and when the time comes, if something else is on the radar, they will forget what they have said that they will do. They think like teenagers and they have memories the size of gnats.
Also, it could be a check to see if Huddy will continue to do things or it could be to see just how far she can push you.
No one can really say what is going on w/her. I would continue w/the NC and just leave her be as much as possible. No, she's no where near the bottom...she's still floating.
Thanks Job.
If anyone is in the UK, there is a programme on ITV [that's the TV network](called 'Girlfriends'. It's written by Kay Mellor and deals with three women facing various issues with mid life. I don't know if she has been though a MLC herself, but some of the words coming out of the characters mouths read like a page out of one of these forums. If you've missed it, you can get it on the ITV hub.
and I'm not sure what to do next
Yes you do. Live you're life like she's not coming back. Like Job says keep those expectations at zero and focus on Huddy.
She's not I'll. she's not having a crisis. There is no process here.
One of the biggest lessons I learned about cheaters is image management. If they can be you're friend then what they did isn't so bad. Because you're now friends.
How undignified is that?
We all have to change plans at times. And that's ok. And she's now seeing her S as per her schedule. Good. That's what being an adult means. Looking after your children. Does she get a new string for her harp for being an angle? Erm nope. Coz you stood up to the plate for him. Where was she? I'll tell you where, chasing fekin unicorns.
I agree with Job. She's bouncing mate. Floating around in her broken dreams.
3 step plan.
Let it go.
Drop the rope.
Live your life.
Peace
Hi Huddy, Job and NDY have already given wise advice.
In terms of what's happening for her and why - who really knows...time will tell I guess.
I always feel it is best to observe, inwardly shrug and let it go...
Trying to analyse the daily sayings and doings of the MLCer is like trying to knit fog.
Best to follow NDY's 3 point plan above and leave her to plough her own furrow just now.
You're correct about the flaky brain....despite W telling me she now didn't want me to have my S this weekend on Wednesday, she's now texted me to let me know she's not bringing him! Considering I'm at a leaving do at work in ten minutes, that's perhaps, just as well!
So, in to the mix comes illness. Not me or W, but FIL. He's in his eighties and is having heart problems. W has gone to our home city to help look after him for a couple of days, but it's not looking too clever for the old fella.
W was dropping the kids off anyway, and told me as she was leaving where she was going. I asked her to pass on my best wishes to her family, and told her to keep safe on the drive down (it's a good five hours, although W doesn't like driving, so it'll take her longer). W called and texted me that she arrived. The text had two kisses on the end of it. I didn't respond on my reply, and subsequent texts haven't included any.
Some people will probably say I should carry on NC, but that seems an unreal expectation. I have texted to see how he is etc. Using strict DB principles, I should brush this off and act as if nothing is happening in my life, but, the FIL was a part of my life for 17 years. This is a time for abandoning the principles and show compassion and understanding, regardless of if this looks like cake eating or not.
Huddy,
You did the right thing by texting to see how the FIL is doing. He's been there for you and your wife for 17 years and you don't know how much longer he's going to be around. I don't consider this particular situation as cake eating...I consider it a necessary trip for her to check on her dad and you being supportive of her during this time.
Hi Huddy, i agree with Job but would add that while being supportive is the correct thing to do , remember that you are not the H anymore so be careful not to over step, your still attached so be mindful that your W isn't attached and will not hesitate to use your attachment to her for her advantage. Do what feels right to you but have no expections. I hope your FIL is doing better.
Take care , Rd
you know, 10 years later, and a remarriage to OW and no feelings for eachother on either of our parts, we still, somehow immediately inform the other of an illness/death of one of our family members. I guess because at one point or another, these were people that were a part of our lives, and in some cases, are a part of our child's life (but not all). We give eachother sincere condolences and rebalance the kid schedule if needed. But that's about it.
It's 3 years later and she could still trigger you with kissy faces. Do you NC because it's a way of possibly leading her back to the M, or of you NC because it is what you feel is best for your own good?
Hi RD
Good to see you around. Well, I'm even more perplexed! W picks the kids up, and tells me FIL has had two mild heart attacks in the last two weeks, so you're right, I wasn't that important to be told that! This weekend he was admitted for stents to be fitted. I'm not sure why there was this huge need to go down this weekend, unless (and this is my suspicious LBS mind kicking in) this was some kind of pre-planned event that happened to fall on FIL's illness. I hope it isn't, and I hope I'm not being overly sceptical.....but! Anyway, that isn't any of my concern, right?
Hi Ginger
NC - I don't know if this is really the right path. I mean, here we are, three months away from 3 years, and I have never got the inkling that she misses me. I have never made any secret of the fact (on this board)that I miss her terribly and want us all back together. The usual pulls are there though - checking my FB; checking when I'll be in etc. NC, then, is for me. A way of not being drawn in to the crazy swirling world of MLC land.
In general, I've found out (through my W's sloppy use of IT) that she is running out of money, fast. Her credit card statement appeared on my S's computer - the best part of £10k! There was also an email about non payment. We had no debt once the house was sold in December 2015. Again, not my problem, unless it comes to the kids having no food etc. I suppose if you buy a 4X4, new boobs and a tummy tuck (and an endless supply of new clothes and shoes to look good) when you live on a small wage and Government benefits, then one day, it's gonna bite you.
I've not slept well. I'm convinced she's lying to me. She looked 'too good', if you know what I mean, to be worrying about her Dad. Her clothes, demeanour etc. gave me signals that something was off. I don't think she lied about where she was going, just the purpose. The answers she gave in her texts tried to get me off the subject as fast as she could. I smell a rat.
I know MLC'ers can go low, but so low to lie about the health of your father to justify something? That really would be low. Guess it's back to NC, again.
Huddy, you are so incredibly attached. SO ATTACHED. You look desperately for signs that she misses you, you look at her account activities and try to guess where the money is going, if she is in debt, if she isn't, where her money is going, if she is in trouble.... if she looks too good to be doing what she really is doing.....
Huddy, you have got to let go. You need to think of her as no longer your wife. She's got her life, you got yours, and no matter how bad the security is on her accounts, you need to stop checking them for a sign of something. You should have not looked at that statement. You say "not my problem" but you know you are looking to see if she is actually happy, if she might dig herself a hole so deep that she decides to come back ect....
I understand you miss her terribly. It is very hard to lose someone you love. I think it's harder to lose someone you love when they are still living and breathing. But I think you fully need to go through all the stages of grief so you can detach and move forward. She's not coming back right now. ANd even if she did, not for the right reasons. Who knows what the future brings, but there is pretty much no chance if you keep holding on so tightly. And there may not be any chance, but you need have severed the emotional ties in order for you to move on one day. Either way, if she does her self work, comes back a healed woman, or it doesn't happen, you will have cute the strong emotional bond which will do wonders for your healing. Trust me, I have been there.
Ouch! That's a bit of a kicker Ginger! Like or not, we're all still attached, otherwise, why are we here? I keep reading about them doing the work etc. and about moving forward, but to me it seems I'm the only one doing anything. I don't see anything - not one thing at all. I read stories on here about people making at least some effort with their LBS and I worry that 'I'm' the problem.
I could understand if I was a tyrant, who controlled my W's life, but I wasn't. I worked long hard hours to try and get everything the family needed. So yeah, after all this time, I'm wondering what's this all for? I keep busy and do have GAL activities etc. but have down days.
What does dropping the rope look like? It seems to me I have done everything I can. We live apart, I do NC and I'm not going to be a complete ogre for nothing. So, do I D? I don't want that, and as we have children, there is always going to be a thread. It's just not practical.
The mantra of this site is 'do things that work'. Well, it ain't working (NC that is) and I'm thinking is there another way. I have only recently returned to the boards in a big way, as I felt I was getting nothing from it, and adding nothing. I think it's time to retire back to that position.
Hi Huddy , I've just read your post and your pain is very clear. Being on here does help i believe but it can also feel like the advice we get isnt helpful. I suppose it's a leap of faith in many ways and it's your choice to do so or not. As regards NC, that means no contact, if its re the kids fine but nothing other than that. It doesnt mean be disrespectful or nasty but explain to W that she isnt to contact you about her problems.
Your obviously a decent man and you want your family back as it was, do you honestly see that as possible in the short to medium term. I mean no disrespect, i dont know your W, only what you have posted on here but she's living her life for her and you are not included unless it suits her. You deserve better Huddy, the success stories on here are few and even then the LBS has nearly always let go of the outcome.
If you want to stand all power to you but W cannot see you standing because it gives her options that you are plan b,c,d or whatever. That's not attractive to anyone. Your life is the only one you get , live the thing to the full, stand but don't stand still.
We all came here looking for the answer, and its here but its
not the simple step by step guide we all hoped for. It's a guide to acceptance and understanding what is and moving forward. The R with your W is gone , maybe a new R can be achieved but the old one is gone. I was where you are and looked for signs or hope and it was there sometimes but one day I decided i deserved better than who she had become and I'm lucky in that i could fake it until I made it and it worked.
I understand we are all different and deal with things in our way but we need a road map to help. This site offers it but it takes time. I remember reading that MLC can last 5 to 7 years and it was heart breaking but unfortunately its true so using that yardstick you have a long way to go just to see if she comes out of it.
If you have stayed awake to read this far (!!) then well done mate.
Obvioulsy do what's right for you but maybe step back and really look at who W is now and see how you feel. You don't want to date right now but there are alot of lovely ladies that would really appreciate a genuine person like yourself in their lives, just saying
Take care, Rd
Huddy,
I didn't mean to upset you or hurt you or make you want to run away. I said what I said , to be honest. Because I am so thankful for when people were honest with me, because it was a true turning point for me. I figure at almost 3 years in, you might be ready for it.
We all have a level attachment, of course. The attachment I am speaking of is where you look for even the slightest clue that she misses you or she is miserable so that maybe she wants to come back. It's normal to care for her, I understand that level of attachment, but the kind you have keeps you tied to her and only hurts you.
As far as DB and "do what works". First, right now what you are doing isn't working for either of you. She is living her own life now. But that's the rub. That's not because of something you did or didn't do. It's her issue. DB gives us the best chances for spouses to recommit to the marriage ONLY if they have done their work and resolved their issues. You really have no power in that. You became a you that you are happy with. There is no magic pill, there is no magic word to say or action to make. She's got to want to get better. Just like any drug addict. The program doesn't work, if you don't work it.
But you. You have control of your side of the street. You can put up that mental stop sign when you begin to read into what a "kissy" face means. You can chose not to look at her bank statement and see if she looked broke enough to want to change. You can not analyze how she looks and if she is telling the truth.
The hard truth is. Right now, she is free to do whatever she pleases. She has emotionally released herself to do what she wants. I know this is hard, I know this hurts, but it is reality.
This isn't to say things might be different down the road. But you are watching, waiting for a pot to boil right now. It's not healthy for you. Right now, the M as you know it is over. What the future brings, you do not know. But in the present, you need to let go.
I see when things get a little real around here, you want to get off the boards. It's a common reaction. But if it stings, it's probably something you should look at.
I am saying this because I care, and because I am thankful who did the same to for me.
I think maybe you are looking for an external shift Huddy, when maybe the shift needs to be internal?
Little update from me.
So I found some sordid emails on my sons computer between W and her OM. He describes her as a 'strumpet' and she describes him as a 'horny f*****'. Lovely for my son to discover. I kind of blew up and sent her a message;
"I don't know, or care who (OM - used his name) is, apart from him being a horny f***** and you're a strumpet) but I suggest you desist in sending him messages from (s's) laptop. Apart from being disrespectful to me (we're still married although probably not for much longer) it's disrespectful to use his laptop for your sordid behaviour. No need to reply. I am nobody's Plan B. If you'd like to collect the rest of your stuff in the next week that's good, or I can pas it to charity. It's very sad but I hope he's worth it"
The reply from W was as follows;
(littered with spelling mistakes) "I had to use the tablet as my phone wasn't working. As you know (S) can't read. Don't be nosey. I will get mine and SD's stuff when I get the kids. We have been separated for nearly 2 years (sic) you can't seriously be bothered. it's none of your business, the fact that all of my emails come on the tablet is private, don't look"
Couldn't resist a text back;
"We've been separated for three. It's my business if you're moving him in as it affects my children. As I say I hope it's all worth it for you. If you'd like to see a lawyer and make it permanent, I'm happy to oblige"
Followed back with;
"Ahhhhh am moving nobody in. As and when I do you will be informed".
Couldn't resist;
"Crack on #notwaitinglong".
Reply came back;
"LOL" (not sure what she's laughing at)
Final text from me;
"I just thought I'd join in the teenager style language that you love to use. Why not bring him round for a chat. Hope he's a quick learner for being a step dad"
OK, probably overdid it with the convo. Going radio silence now except for kids. Weirdly relieved to have got it off my chest. Basically she's been feeding me crumbs and I've been pecking them up. She's still cake eating and in replay, so, that's not for me. I obviously don't want a divorce, but I can't let this continue.
So, overplayed my hand here or what? Honesty would be good fellow buddies.
You engaged in a childish tit for tat that clearly displayed you are still attached and you looked very jealous.
Sorry to be so blunt.
What crumbs has she been feeding you? It's like you go looking for crumbs to gobble up and spit out at her in anger and jealousy.
Again, sorry to be blunt, but I have no clue what you intend to accomplish with exchanges like this.
Hi Huddy , firstly , sorry that you found out about OM that way , that had to have hurt. As an outsider to your sitch I'm surprised it took this long. As hard as it seems , once they decide to go they are done with the marriage and in their thinking they are single and act that way.
Secondly, could this be the push you needed to move forward with you life. Again as an outsider you seem stuck and need to accept what is.
Thirdly, your a clever lad and don't need me to tell you that the exchange with W was unproductive and really dosent need to be repeated. It's done now and wont affect anything long term either way. Learn from it and move forward.
Again , this is a painful revelation but it's reality. Posting a bit more often may help you because there are some really helpful people on here that can offer constructive advice.
I've said it before and i will say it again , you deserve better mate. Step back and ask yourself if you really want someone with her qualities ? The OM is not winning any great prize. Who she is now is not who she was before.
Stay strong , Rd
Well Ginger, you're one of the reasons I stopped posting, so I'm not going to go in to details of her crumbs of recent weeks, other than to say, I'm not going to be used. I'm angry that she used my S's laptop for her sordid sex messages and photos. If you wouldn't be angry about that and react, hats of to you because you're a singularly better person than me. Jealousy? Let's see what prize he's won - a cheater, with enhanced boobs, who lies and is heavily in debt. Give that man a cigar!
Hi RD
No hurt, that happened to us an BD and I have been getting stronger in the past few months. Yeah, this is the push I needed to get a move on. I'm not going to waste my time on somebody who can disrespect somebody she supposedly once loved.
The exchange was productive for me. I was laughing at some of it. I know it won't have affected her, but now she has no reason to lie and I can now protect myself even better.
Reality is a kicker, but it is what it is. Posting? No. I feel it isn't productive anymore. You're right - I deserve better and my kids deserve better. I'm in no rush to met anyone, but if opportunity comes along, I'll be off like a shot! Cheers my Irish buddy
Hi Huddy , you sound really strong and that's great. On the dating thing , you will be amazed what lovely people are out there. On the posting thing , it can be helpful to get constructive and helpful advice on the journey at which ever stage you are at but obviously your choice. ( and I would love to hear about your dates and how you are getting on generally)
Take care, Rd
Hi Huddy,
I'm so sorry your w has such lack of respect for herself, your son and you to use s's laptop in that way. Completely inappropriate of her on many, many levels.
I understand finally having enough and snapping. I've had my share with exh. I've also had a few times of not wanting to post here any longer.
Huddy, you've reached your breaking point, and while that's not what anyone wanted to happen, it does have its positives - you're ready to take another step in the direction of the rest of your life, whatever that takes you.
In case you don't post again, know that I wish you the best and hope you change your mind and pop back in with updates to let us know how you're doing.
Wishing you all the best life has to offer !!!
xoxoxoxo
Well Ginger, you're one of the reasons I stopped posting, so I'm not going to go in to details of her crumbs of recent weeks, other than to say, I'm not going to be used. I'm angry that she used my S's laptop for her sordid sex messages and photos. If you wouldn't be angry about that and react, hats of to you because you're a singularly better person than me. Jealousy? Let's see what prize he's won - a cheater, with enhanced boobs, who lies and is heavily in debt. Give that man a cigar!
First, I would like to say I am sorry you felt that way. You could have just simply told me to stop posting to you and I would have absolutely respected that.
This will be my last post ever to you, and I encourage you to keep on posting and I will absolutely stay off you thread. I come here purely to help. I've been on here since 2008, this board has gotten me through so many moments and events I question I would survived as an intact person. So I stay to help. And in that time I have seen so much posted to others and remember what was posted to me and how everything played out.
I post to you the way I do, because I was right where you were at one point. Back in my day on this board there was no fear of breaking out the 2x4, and hammering hard. There was very little coddling. So I apologize if I seem so harsh.
I am no saint and I would absolutely be p@ssed if my ex was using my D10's computer for her sexual emails. At least I would hope he would log out of the account and be extra careful if he was doing so. My point is, were YOU hurt, or were you upset that your S could see those? Because if you were upset your son could see those, you went about this the wrong way. I say that because I used to do what you did. You made it about YOU and her cheating and you did not make it at all about son. If you really wanted to nip the issue in the bud because of your S, you need to make it just about that.
When I repeated the same cr@p over and over to my ex about what he did was wrong, what he is doing was wrong, that it is his loss, and all the stuff he's heard a bunch of times before, he tuned me out. I just sounded crazy and still attached to him. When I let all that go already, and if I had an issue with something he did that was in regards to my child, I had to keep it there and take the personal stuff out of it. When I began to do that, he began to hear me. He would communicate more regarding our daughter. It became peaceful between us. Some issues got solved with coparenting and he respected my boundaries more. Every time I would rehash the same thing over and over to him, he basically viewed me as pathetic and tuned me out. It look a lot of beatings from people on tis board, but it worked! And when it worked, I found peace, detachment and the ability to move on. I continued to treat and conduct myself with respect. It was when the true shift in me began. I am so thankful for it.
As far as the crumbs? All ex's throw crumbs because they want something. Because there is something to be gained on their end. They know you will gobble them up and they get what they want. We can't control that. We only control what we gobble up. So whether or not she is throwing crumbs at you is absolutely irrelevant. It's what you do with them that counts.
Like I said, I post to you what I do, because I have been where you were, I have done the same things, and some kind yet firm posters showed me what I was doing, how I appeared to him, how I was ineffective in reaching my goals of solving problems that involved the child if I made it about me and what he did. How I was never going to love on if I didn't truly let go.
But I absolutely will never post to you again if that's what you want. I don't want to be the reason you chose not to come here for help.
Hi Huddy , would love to hear an update mate.