New Beginnings - DivorceBusting.com

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2728235#Post2728235

And a new chapter.......

So, I received a phone call from a friend last night, she has a single bed (only slept in once by her daughter) for free and wondered if D wanted it for GD.

So, it needs to be picked up tomorrow. I don't have my SS number (he has a large van) so I rang H to ask if he could possibly pick it up as its in the same town SS lives in.

Anyway, both SS and H are picking it up tomorrow and dropping it off.

I also asked H if he could do me a big favour and take me to the hospital on Monday by 8.30am (injection in the breast in another hospital where they will transport me by taxi) as D can't. Local hosp is next door.

He said, absolutely no problem. He will go to SS until I get back by 11 am and he will take me home.

He really sounds happy to help, and if it suits him, then It suits me too.

No harm and at least he feels he's helping and less stress on me, so.....where's the harm?

Westo - Just keep in mind too that this is the man who left you and he has not committed to making his way back. There may still be an OW involved - you haven't mentioned her lately but at one point you thought there might be.

No expectations - and this could all shift unexpectedly.

On the other hand - I'm glad you are getting this contact and that it is making you happy.

((Westo))

Too true. He did offer to take you to the hospital so you are just taking him up on it. Just take it slowly (I've read a million threads now) and keep your expectations in check. How nice though to have some help.

Hi AP & OwnIt,

Yes Andrew, he said he is lodging with OW, but said the relationship was not what I think it is.

I really don't care and made that quite clear. Bear in mind.....he has gone fat, has gout, has recently had surgery to repair a hernia, resulting in a six inch scar, has done his back in and had to have a lump on his bum cheek lanced....

Wow, what a catch for her, ehe?!

He has an awful lot of work to gain our trust back, but he is trying.

What I have learned from this awesome forum is....I don't need him. And I absolutely believe he sees this, and this has really given him a bit of a shake up.

Whatever happens, I have left him with a very different impression to a year ago, and I have this site to thank for that.

Wow, that is awesome. You really don't blneed him.

Thanks Gordie

Job, quick question. H is taking me to the hosp tomorrow morning and is waiting in SS house to take me back after the injection in my breast.

When he drops me off, do I ask him in for coffee, or just get out of the car?!

Westo,

Let's take this one step at a time. Go to the hospital and get your injection and see how you feel afterwards. If you feel up to it, a good way to show him that you appreciate his assistance is to offer him a cup of coffee. There is always the possibility he will say no...but wait and see how you feel after your procedure.

So, today H took me to the hospital. I was then transported by taxi with a nurse to another hospital about 30 minutes away to have the injection.

When we returned H was waiting outside and came back up to the ward with me.

I have my own room which is all ready for me for tomorrow's op. We had to wait over an hour for me to have another ultrasound scan and to mark my breast. H told me he went to the local supermarket and bought me a new mobile phone. I haven't used one for years.

He wants me to text him as soon as I come round from the anaesthetic. He took me for lunch and we chatted about all sorts. We had a couple prolonged silences, but I suppose that's to be expected. We did have a few laughs. It was pleasant.

I didn't have to invite him in for coffee.......he just came in the house with me. On leaving he gave me a big hug and asked me again to text him and that he will either visit me tomorrow at the hospital or the day after at home, if I'm out by then.

So, the phone is on charge. I just have to make sure I remember to take the flipping thing!

Westo, how nice that everything came together. Good luck tomorrow, I'm sure it will be a relief to have it over. I'm glad that your H is taking good care of you and concerned about you in this time.

Westo,

It sounds like everything worked out okay today for you and you didn't have to be concerned about whether or not to invite him in for coffee. I'm glad he's being supportive and hopefully he'll be there to take care of you some as well.

Good luck tomorrow! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hey Westo sending you a big cwtch for tomorrow. It's so lovely to know you have so many people who care about you.

Wishing you a very speedy recovery too! Xx

Awww thank you all so much for the cwtches and support.

I don't know what I would have done without this forum. You guys have taught me what not to do.

The diagnosis has taken the pressure off us both, my nerves are so much better and he feels safe in my company as there are no relationship talks.

No mention since of him fixing the toilet flush, but I get the impression that he is lining stuff up so he has excuses to call.

I won't mention the toilet again.....it's up to him now.

I should be out on Wednesday, so as soon as I'm up to it, I'll post. You should see my boob.......it looks like she's drawn a bullseye around the nipple.

I know.......TMI!

That will be on all the Paris runways in the fall.

Hope all goes well for you Westo and take care xx

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today. I hope everything turns out okay and the surgery goes smoothly for you.

Hi all,

Just got back, all went well and I get the results back of the biopsy on the central node back on 23rd.

There is a noticeable dip to the left of the right nipple with puckered skin and a cut under the arm. Boob is purple green and blue! The blue is from the dye they inject to see how many nodes, if any are affected.

No stitches though......skin glue!

I'm so glad you are doing okay. I'm praying that you will get some good news soon. Take it easy this weekend and give that area some time to heal.

Great new Westo, get lots of rest and let everyone take care of you!

Thank you, I will! xx

So, I'm doing well I my recovery.

H took GD to the park today and I made a roast. He wasn't expecting it, but I happened to be just dishing it up when he brought her back.

He devoured it...I asked if he would like a desert, but he declined saying he needs to lose weight as he lives on Mc Donnalds & KFC (you can tell).

He fixed the washing line and bits and bobs. We talked about the recent election and stuff.

I did show him my breast and he showed me his scar from his recent hernia surgery, like it was a competition!.

On leaving he told me he will call again Wednesday, hugged me ( on the left side). Kissed my neck & I said "my boob is quite ok" to which he made a a motion to grab it.....that's his sense of humour!

He's just emailed thanking me for the beef dinner, to which I've replied.....'you're welcome, it was nice have something else to think about'.

Hey gang........can I get a high five?!

Huge high five!!!

Thanks OwnIt!

I am so glad that things are looking up for you. Don't over do it! You handled your situation w/your h very, very well. I'm glad he's stepping up to the plate and helping you out.

Westo - I'm so very very happy that you've gotten through your surgery and that it seems that it has caused your H to remember what a wonderful person you are.

As we have been taught - take it slow, expect setbacks and look after yourself first. It may be premature as well to suggest this but just like you have done I'm sure, I've done a powerful lot of reading. The biggest mistake I've read is letting them back too easily. If he wants you, he's got to earn it.

PS - you'll be pleased perhaps that I tried flirting with a very nice Welsh lady here in my village today. Sadly I believe that she is immune to my charms. I did some cwtch practicing on my nephew though yesterday at his first birthday party and that went very well. I was telling a friend of mine today that I'm looking for a wonderful person and this morning I saw him in the mirror. I'm sure you see a wonderful person looking back at you in your own.

Hi Andrew, oh believe me he is going to have to do all the work. He has an awful lot to do in order to gain mine and our kids's trust back.

I think the most prominent words that have driven me through this journey are Cadet's,

'You've been given the gift of time, use it well'

I have walked a thousand miles up that mountain, thinking and thinking, working on myself and like you reading a lot. I have developed into the woman I should have become.

I am not that mother and grandmother he left over a year ago. I'm not that frump I had become.

He now sees a very different one, slimmer, fitter, confident and attractive. I always make sure I'm made up, hair styled and dressed differently every time, all new clothes. Making sure I smell wonderful. This is all for me, of course!

I forgot to say, this was a conversation we had last week while we waited to see my surgeon.

H "what are those red streaks in your hair?"
M " oh, I got D to streak it for me and S touched up my roots last nigh, under my directions!"

I carried on with whatever we were talking about before the question.

Five minutes later,

H "are those the same shoes you were wearing last week. The ones with the tassels?"
M "no, these are different ones"

I carried on again.....

Five minutes later

H "your legs look longer"
M "must be the heels"

I nonchalantly carried on again.....as if it really was no big deal. We got together thirty years ago this year.

He has never noticed things about me before!

How could the Welsh woman not be charmed by you? We all are!

You are right......we now look in the mirror and see ourselves as that wonderful person.

That's when you know we've listened and done the work needed, doesn't matter whether there reconciliation or not.

H called again today. I said to him that I have one question to ask him as its something that has been on my mind for nine months, and feel I can't do small talk anymore while this is on my mind.

I asked why he thought it was ok to text his S a week before his wedding to ask if he could take OW. How did he think it would have affected everyone, especially our S, his parents, my D etc.

He answered that he didn't know what he was thinking at that time. OW asked if she could attend. He guessed his S response would be no. So it was never going to happen. I said, what if the answer had been yes?

He answered that he would have made another excuse and basically lie.

He told me that it's only recently he's been thinking straight and it took my cancer to wake him up and think "what the f**k have I done".

On leaving he apologised again and said he keeps thinking he'll wake up and be back home. It's like it's been one long dream.

Long hug (I'm not ready for a cwtch) a kiss on my neck, then on my cheek.

I can't kiss him back, I just rub his back during the hug. It reminds me of stayed's husband's story. Where he said he felt like he was in a movie and knew it had to end, and the thought of losing her woke him up.

Baby steps..........

Westo - Have you checked into what counseling resources are available to you and your H in your area? I am forever grateful to the therapist who my doctor referred me to who since it was a referral by an MD also happened to be free.

You yourself may need some support in the days to come as may your H.

If not through your doctor, perhaps through your church if you are a practicing member?

Hi Andrew,

I'm not religious at all and we Brits don't attend counselling like you guys do over the pond.

Hence the proverbial 'stiff upper lip'. It's just not the norm here. I feel I've received counselling here and it's been invaluable to me.

Obviously H hasn't received anything but I'm prepared to do anything. Not sure if H would go though!

I think he will have to 'court' me......and we will have to talk a lot. Right now I'm in no real hurry. I've had a lovely break from sex, snoring and the Groundhog Day our marriage had become!

Sorry, probably a woman thing......but I'm sure many who have been with their spouses for thirty years will know exactly what I'm on about!

Westo, I'm there with you (married 25 years). These are all great signs from him and a real conversation with real answers has to feel pretty amazing right now. Hopefully nothing will scare him off again.

Hey Westo, hope your recovery is going well.

I hope your H's words turn into some action although it sounds like he IS saying all the right things we all know words mean nothing!! Big cwtch to you Westo! X

Aww thank you OwnIt and Coly,

I can't think of anything to frighten him off again. I have no more questions. I don't want to know anything else.

I'm sure he feels comfortable coming here now. I'm in a great place, it's a win win for me. I have learned that I don't need him and if he wants to be in my life again....he needs to put in the work.

If there is a R further down the line, then I will have to do the work too.

Hi Westo, glad to read you and your H are getting along better. I also have some reservations...as do you from what you post.

I would certainly still see things as very much up in the air just now - I notice you are posting 'will' instead of 'would' - as though a reconciliation would happen. I think it is very early days...could even be a peek out and pop back in - too soon to tell..

I would suggest not even considering anything more than a friendship unless your H demonstrates consistent behaviour for a good period of time - ie: many months.

Also, have a think about your own non-negotiables. I don't think you get to dash out of someone's life in the way your (and my XH) did - and waltz back in. I think our MLCer needs to have learned some significant stuff and done some digging (ideally with IC support.) I don't think (when OW has been involved) wooing you is enough - JMHO of course. Of course it's up to him if he chooses to seek that support - but it's also up to you whether you choose to re-start a R with him and when..

What's the status with OW may I ask? Is she completely out of the picture at this point?

And finally, I would very much carry on with your own life and plans - perhaps making time (should he ask) to see him once or twice a week....

Above all else - keep measured and steady in yourself..and best of luck!! Xx

Hi Sotto,

I agree with all you have posted. Nothing is going to happen while he is 'lodging' in OW house.

I think of it like this......it took him months, actually two years to detach from me and our home.

If he seriously wants a reconciliation, then I can expect months for him to detach from her and her house.

In reverse, so to speak. But please understand that I don't expect anything. My focus is on me and my treatment and recovery right now.

HE will have to do all the work if he wants reconciliation.....I'm just sitting here all pretty.

Hair done, fake tan, make up, jewellery, lovely clothes and underwear, smelling gorgeous.......

I will say, and I know I shouldn't because I will be accused of thinking for him. But you don't go through all this and reach the age of 56 on the 24th of this month without some wisdom and women's intuition.

He eminates every time we interact in his eyes....'that's my wife'.

I feel it in my heart and soul. And if I'm completely wrong, I really am not bothered!

You go Westo!!

It's my birthday tomorrow, and I've just received the best present ever.

My lymph nodes are clear!

Well, since our wedding convo last week H seems to be different.

He's called twice since but seems agitated and doesn't stay long. He drinks his tea, then goes to the kitchen to rinse his cup, sits for a bit then up again.....

No hug the last two visits. My question to job is this....do you think he wants me to play the dance?

I doubt he's gone from "what the f**k have I done" to changing his mind in a week......

My gut feeling is....he wants me to pursue again. I will not!

Oh, and he's gained even more weight in the last week......

So glad to read the good news! I'm sure you are breathing a sign of relief.

As for your h, he's been doing a touch and go and now he's trying to figure out how to distance himself again, as he came too close. Don't pursue him...leave him be.

Hi Job, I will leave him be......I'm in no hurry and if he wants a reconciliation then I need him to do all the work.

I need him to want it,more than I do......I can't take anything less.

Westo, so glad to hear your news!!! Happy birthday and happy clear lymph nodes.

He'll figure it out. Just sit back (and take your hikes when you are feeling better) and wait.

Will do OwnIt.....

I'm the most important one here now, not him. I've spent too much energy there....my turn now

I'm glad you are recognizing that you are the most important person now. Take care of yourself and like you said, if he wants back bad enough, he'll do the work.

Westo - I'm thrilled to hear your good news about your lymph nodes.

One thing that job had mentioned to me might be something you may want to think about. You've done a great job of being attractive in yourself but I'm sure that the next time that your H drops by for a cuppa if there was some other good culinary smells going on - that he's not going to get - it might be a good thing. I imagine you can do up an amazing pie. Sadly our own rhubarb patch is not doing well here but S22 and I are thinking of doing up rhubarb tarts. Not that there's any sign of my own STBX - but S22 and I do love a nice rhubarb pie.

Hi Andrew,

I've never made a pie! But I did make him a roast the other Sunday. We will see, he's coming over today to look after GD while D and me go shopping.

He's going to put some stuff of his in the garage, going to put the sun shades up in the garden and take bags of old clothes and stuff to the local recycling tip.

Oooooo, I've just noticed the birthday cake!

Happy birthday Westo! So pleased about your lymph nodes being clear, what a priceless birthday pressie! Xx

So happy for you Westo! And you're right: that's the best birthday gift! Happy birthday

Congrats on another trip around the sun, the wisdom you've gained and the peace in your heart.

much love,
-Bttrfly xoxoxo

Happy Belated Birthday! The best present you received is a good report from your doctor. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Thank you all,

Well, last year H dropped my coat and boots that were in our car, in the garage in the middle of the night along with an awful birthday card.

He only got it because D texted him a reminder.......it had a cocktail glass on the front with the words 'celebrate and enjoy'. He scrawled my name on the inside, and just a 'from h', no kiss.

I was so upset I tore it up and threw it in the bin. Today my card from him reads 'to my special wife' and 'with all my love' with a message hoping I have a lovely day and to get well soon, signed H with a kiss.

That was the best thing he could have got me for my birthday. He was in the kitchen with GD when I opened it in the lounge.

He must have heard me sniffing as I couldn't help being tearful and had to take a few moments to compose myself before returning to the kitchen.

Westo, I'm glad that you got the gifts that you wanted (clear nodes and a lovely card). Out of much heartache can come joy.

Oh Westo, I had a big of a tearfest this evening and now you just set me off again! What lovely words... I can't say much more...

Oh Coly, I didn't want to set you off.....I hope you are in a better place today xx

Hey Westo, gosh don't apologise they were happy tears for YOU! I'm okay thanks, just cycling a bit lately but doing okay. X

Oh good, it's nice to have some positivity occasionally on here.

He behaves strangely still.....mentions putting things in the garage, then doesn't.

Says he wants to look for the docs for the car, will fix the loo etc, then doesn't. He keeps yawning, and I said yesterday, you're tired....he answered "I always am".

It's awful, I think he has a long way to go. But there is nothing I can do to help him. I have learned from this site that he has to go through this journey himself and while my cancer may have kind of woken him up, still he needs time.......

So do I, it will all come good in the end. I just think we need to treat our relationship right now as a baby chick in our hands.

Treat it very gently and with great care, it's so easy to drop it......

Quick update,

H is still calling, we just talk small talk. I may get a hug and a kiss on the neck, I may not.

I must say I was a little offended that he hasn't initiated relationship talks or increased contact.

But.....I then came to the conclusion.....only he knows what's going on in his head. I know I love him with all my heart but, I'm enjoying my life at the moment. I do what I want, go to bed when I like, get up when I want, watch sport on the telly, drink wine from 2pm.

I know this would all change if and when he comes back. And then It dawned on me....maybe he feels exactly the same way. He plays pool in his local pub every Tuesday, he has a separate fantasy life.

And that's why he's in no particular hurry either......

Westo - I hate to suggest this, but perhaps you are both "cake eating"? Cake is indeed tasty.

A difficult question - are you happy with the status quo? On the surface and across all these miles of ocean it may appear so. If you are both happy then carry on. If not, changes need to be made.

PS - had dinner with a good friend last Friday. Practiced cwtch on her but unfortunately it got mixed with Canadian bear hug. She assures me that her ribs will be fine eventually <smile>.

Hi Andrew,

I'm not sure that it's cake eating as we're not actually benefitting anything other than a bit of contact twice a week.

I was always the one to initiate any talks as H just never has. So I'm not sure if he's waiting for me to do just that, which I won't.

I think this must puzzle him. Glad you got to practice a cwtch, even if it got mixed up!

Westo, glad things are going well in your wonderful part of the world. I've been a bit down and having a hard time peaking out of my self pity to root others on, but I think you are doing such a wonderful job and displaying so much patience and love. Hope the healing is going well for you.

Oh OwnIt.....I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so down at the moment. Please be careful incase it develops into depression. As you know, that's why I walk so much, to stave that off.

It's not nice here today.....rain and fog

We are still doing small talk and I've been thinking and reaching the conclusion that H will never initiate R talks in the way I want him to. I have to remember that he doesn't know about this site and DB and that what I'm doing by 180, NC etc is learned and deliberate.

H is H and has has never been the type to talk and open up. He may be different to who he was but he's not going to change into another person, and thinking back to him saying what has happened to me has finally made him realise wtf has he done and that he feels that one day he will wake up and be home, WAS H initiating talks (in his way) but I didn't realise it at the time.

In fact in answer to the dream statement, I should have said "well, only you can do something about that" but instead I came out with, "what, like Bobby Ewing in Dallas?!" An I didn't say anything at all about the first statement, just sat there looking at him.

Anyway.....after having a few wines the other night I emailed him asking when are we going to talk about the elephant in the room? His answer? Which elephant is that. I answered, our situation. Ok was his reply.

H ordered a new toilet flush in the week and he asked me to let him know when it came and it came today. So after he had fitted it I said I thought it was time that we talked.

And we did....I told him that my position hadn't changed and that I took my vows seriously and they still stand. He told me that even though he said IDLYA he does, but did feel it at that time. He said he doesn't know what is on my mind and as I look like I'm absolutely fine, probably didn't need him or want him in my life, so didn't want to initiate talking about our R.

He suggested staying at his parents house (ten mins away)for a few weeks while we see each other more and do more things together as he felt just moving back was too much for me.

I agreed and told him I was going to suggest the same. I also told him he has to delete that woman from his life and phone etc before I could even think about going any further. He said that was no problem as the relationship hadn't developed into anything.

So, I know that my circumstances are unique to this board, but he did tell me that he had wanted an excuse to make contact with a view to reconciliation but didn't know how. The cancer gave him the perfect excuse to do so.

He said he is battling with what he has done to me.....lets see what happens.

I have to add that I had drafted the first half of the above post prior to H calling today. So the second half is the update!

Good news!!! Xoxoxo more later - reading on phone at hair salon xo

Westo,

What great news and how smart of him to know that he can't move from there to you. I hope that he is prepared to put in some work on himself and the relationship to ensure its success moving forward. Its so wonderful to hear some good news.

Hi Bttrfly....laughing at the thought of you in the hairdressers!

Yes, I agree OwnIt.....I'm glad he has the respect for me to realise he can't just move back like that.

Yes, he is prepared to do the work. I told him it will be the toughest thing we have ever had to do, but we have the opportunity to make our marriage the best it's ever been, and not many get that chance.

This board has been a Godsend and I believe if you really do GAL and take the opportunity to go on this very difficult journey, it will reap its rewards......reconciliation or not.

Grab it!

Forgot to say, I'm healing well. Got another bone scan on 27th and my radiotherapy meeting on 6th August.

Been on the the hormone drug for two weeks now with no side effects but have read that it takes six weeks for those if any to kick in.

I'm glad to read that you are healing well. Maybe you'll be the lucky one and not have any side effects from the hormone drug...let's pray that you are the lucky one.

As for your h, yep, he's got a lot of hard work and this is an opportunity to create a brand new marriage. Dig deeper for patience and keep those expectations very, very low and things will be okay.

Take care of yourself.

Hey Westo, gosh your post gave me goosebumps! So glad that your H is stepping up to the plate!

I think it's also great that you recognise that your H hasn't sought out tools like this site to help him so he will probably need a bit of guidance and nudging from time to time! It's also interesting to hear that he wanted to explore reconciliation but didn't know how to. I wonder if all WAS's feel like this even though they know we want them back?

Glad you are also healing well. Sounds like both physically and spiritually. Really looking forward to seeing your updates.. Big cwutch! X

Thanks Job and Coly for stopping by,

It was a strange talk really. I mean, I love him and I alway knew he still loves me. But, as he told me, he felt at the time he didn't.

We have been together so long...we aren't kids and what happened yesterday when we talked was exactly what Jack 3 beans said, and I quote.....

"In my experience the path back for the MLCer is NOT preceded by something amazingly wonderful like a statement of love, but a whisper of doubt".

Wise man.

Ok, here goes.......

I know the advice is to keep expectations to zero, but that is nigh on impossible.

Anyway I haven't seen H since Saturday but he did email me to say he would call yesterday. However, I received a message on FB from a colleague from a local holiday park I worked at for twenty years on Tuesday saying he saw H there that day putting trash out and then pushing a woman in a wheelchair.

I asked if he was sure and he replied saying yes, but he hardly recognised him as he had gained so much weight.

So, I received an email from H saying he had been called into work and wouldn't be calling after all. So I phoned him....he picked up and I asked him about the sighting......he said yes, he was there, the OW mother is there on holiday and he dropped OW off and will be picking her up either today or tomorrow.

He didn't see a problem! Well.....sorry to say there were no STFU smoothies available and I let rip. I went against everything I've read on here and reverted to the original me.

I may have sent him back in the tunnel, but right now, I don't really care........

I am still livid, he emailed me saying he will call tomorrow (if his van passes the MOT) and said he doesn't want me to phone him late in the evening.

That's because I'm pissed with wine.....

This is hard and I know it's just the beginning IF I want to go further.

I don't know right now if I do.....

Westo,

I know you are mad, but there is nothing new here. You know he is still with OW. I think too you know that until he feels firmly able to come back to you he probably will be.

I think its funny that he told you not to call late at night and that he is still planning to come tomorrow.

Will be interesting to see if he shows up.

Get rid of those expectations and let him make the contacts. I think you and skm are at a pretty similar point. Might help to look at her thread.

Westo,

I know you are furious, but you've got to let it go. You said what you needed to say and now you need to step way, way back and allow him to digest everything. He's still not sure of what he wants and this is very normal for many of them to do such things. He's going to do what he needs to do and for now...that's straddling the fence.

What I think he's done is actually "a touch and go" to see if you are still there and are willing to take him back. When he discovered that you are healing up nicely and opened the door just a wee bit for him...he ran the other way because he thinks you are right where he left you when the MLC took over.

So, what do you do? Get back on the detachment train and continue to live your life. Treat him as a next door neighbor and do not continue to bring up the ow w/him. You can still leave the door ajar, but you'll need to do it w/no expectations for now.

I know this is tough, but you've got a good chance of him returning home...but he's got to let the ow go completely before that can happen. She's still a crutch to him and his MLC. Light that candle and place it in the window...like a moth, hopefully he will eventually open his eyes and want to gravitate towards it and realize that home is where he wants to be.

It's one step forward, two steps back. Hang in there and yes, dig deeper for patience.

Hey Westo, sorry to see that you feel let down by H.

I have a slightly amatur-ish view on this stich. You told him that he needed to let go of OW for you to start rebuilding and he said he knew that and that the relationship with OW hadn't developed into anything anyway. That was last week?

Do you think you need to give him some time to make that break away from her? She may not be aware that the relationship didn't mean the same to him as it possibly means to her. Maybe he had made plans to do things for her and her family and he didn't want to let her/them down? Maybe he wants to let her down gently before making the move to his Mum's.

IDK, I get the impression that he moves slowly but I actually feel he was sincere in that he wants to come back to the marriage.

Don't send him running back Westo because of your impatience. You have been patient for such a long time a little more won't hurt. I am very envious of you right now.... (((Westo)))

what Job said! continue your GAL as you were before. Remember this is his process and will take time xoxoxoxo sending hugs!

I'm sorry to hear this Westo, and I agree that it is hard not to get your hopes up. But not having hopes is fundamental to your wellbeing and also helps you guys both take the journey to be taken.

So, he was keen to reconnect somewhat, but not ready to let go of OW. You know where things stand just now and can place appropriate boundaries.

Only thing I would say is to really really work on the detachment - because that makes the ebbs and flows much easier. Ie: you may choose to allow him a little room in your life, but not in a romantic kinda way. Equally, you accept that he may not be ready. And if he isn't you can gently withdraw without the big blow up.

I would say let him be and make plans for yourself. Big hugs to you xx

Thank you all for your invaluable advice, I really appreciate every one of you.

He emailed me today saying that he didn't have time to call but would ring me from work at around 7pm.

He rang at 7.20.... He asked if I was ok and after a couple of minutes of small talk I explained to him why I went off on one the other night.

He said that I didn't really, but I disagreed and told him that I felt I let myself down. I explained that I don't want to hear any detail about OW and that while it was happening in a town ( I never go to) 40 minutes away, I could place it on a shelf away somewhere but to learn that he had taken her to the local holiday park 15 minutes away, a place I worked at for twenty years, up until last year when he took my car....was too close to home.

I told him that I reacted purely on raw emotion. He completely understood and I know we will be ok.

I do feel sorry for the OW as it's plain she isn't important to him, but it is what it's is.

I feel the dominant one and strong and that's more important to me.

He is calling again either Sunday or Monday. Thanks OwnIt for pointing me to SKMs thread....I've read a few pages and yes we are very much at the same journey and I love Cali's responses... Very wise.

Hi Westo - I was going to post earlier when you were still wound up but am glad that I didn't and that you've gotten some excellent advise from others and have had a chance to calm down.

I've been doing a bunch of reading in some new resources I found on another site which unfortunately I can't mention here due to forum rules but it turned on some light-bulbs for me as I review / rewrite history <sad smile>. I'll post on my own thread a bit later which may explain why I'm doing all this reading. A lot of my reading involved how both sides go through an episode of infidelity which nobody including you and perhaps your H I believe are sure of in your own case.

One bit that I read that made a huge amount of sense when I thought about the beginning waay back about 2 years ago now are how people engaged in infidelity have the ability to "compartmentalize" things. In your case perhaps, you are in the "Westo / home / family" compartment and he has another compartment that contains OW and her mother and that relationship whatever it may be. It's quite possible to him that these are completely distinct things with no intersection. For you though, he's your H and there is no splitting up of him or his life into compartments. In my case it explains how my W could be talking about fixing up the house and still love and care for me on minute and then later go into her OM compartment where I didn't even exist. That may be why your H is completely baffled at your taking offense to his wheeling OW's mother around. He's not making a connection that it has anything to do with you and the compartment that you are in. You telling him that it did and in such a forceful way may have done a bunch of good in breaking down the walls of those compartments. On the other hand it may cause the walls to be built stronger but from what you've written it doesn't sound like that.

I'd also like to put some bubble-wrap around this 2X4 and hand it to you. I see in you some habits that I also had that were in many ways very unhelpful to me. On Saturdays I would get my chores done and then sit with beer and a good book for the afternoon and get a nice glow on. I looked forward to it as one of the times in the week when I could truly relax. Looking at it from the outside, it very likely looked like the fat old lump sitting getting sloshed and not doing anything.

You enjoy your wine and telly in the afternoon I know and it's a habit that you look forward to. At times though you don't always make wise choices during that time. Also, think perhaps on what you are missing out on during that time. I was missing out on puttering around the house and garden. I was missing out on a chance to go on adventures with my W (I could ramble on about this but won't). What else could you be doing in your afternoons that doesn't involve wine or the telly? You can perhaps record the shows you like to watch later in the evening.

Just my 2 cents. Just because something gives us comfort and we're used to it, that doesn't mean that it's what we have to do. We sometimes miss out on things because we don't open our eyes to what is around us.

Take care of yourself Westo. As others have said and I agree, you've come a long, long way and you have a lot to be proud of.

Hi Andrew,

Oh I really understand the compartmentalising as I had a one night stand before we married over 20 years ago with the colleague who messaged me on FB that he saw him at the park.

I can honestly say that H never entered my head that night......it was my night and all about me. So I do have an idea. And yes, he seemed bemused that I was so affected by him pushing her mother.

When I say I went off on one, I meant it. I called him a lying cowherd, needed to grow a pair of balls, fat, can't believe a word that spills out of his mouth. Oh and the low blow of...."don't you think I have enough on my plate without wondering what your effing relationship is with her?" She's nothing but a bandage and always has been and is nothing to me and I pity her.

I also emailed him saying I'll never be plan b......ever!

I really did think I'd blown it but after he put the phone down on me.....came to the conclusion if he couldn't handle this hurdle, we have no chance.

But his demeanour on the phone yesterday gave me the impression that he thinks he expected far worse and didn't resent me at all. But like I told him, it's said now and done.

I am one of those people that if its in the back of my mind it will come out eventually with the help of a couple of wines....but then it's gone. He knows this.

Yes, I drink too much but over the years he has been my enabler. I know this will all have to stop if and when he comes back. My marriage is more important.

I actually stopped for six weeks last summer, until I found out he asked to take OW to SS wedding. I told him this, which I could see by his face added to the guilt he has already.

I guess part of me is treating this time as a bit of a holiday and know I will have to devote my time to our R when I have to. Until then, I'm enjoying my wine. I am doing what I believe I have to do to cope right now.

I'll have to cross the next bridge when I reach there.....

And thank you for your ongoing support:)

So,

I didn't expect H to call last Sunday as he told me he was going out the night before on a works do. But he said, if not it would definitely be Monday......he didn't.

So I emailed asking if he was ok as he said he would call. He replied that he hadn't gone to work as he had felt sick with a bad stomach since Sunday morning and wasn't back in work until Wednesday, when he would call next. So I replied 'it must have been all the alcohol sat night, hope you feel better soon. No reply.

Now, he has never taken any time off work through illness in all the years we've been together, so I believe that to be a lie. He didn't turn up yesterday either.

He told me, when I was on my rant that it would take two to three weeks to leave her as he had 'stuff to sort out'. He also told me last Friday that he didn't want to go into details as that is what I asked.

So my gut is saying.....that now we have had the R discussion and he's told me what his plans are, the guilt is setting in with OW and feels more uncomfortable about calling, until he moves out.

That there maybe a wedding or some other celebration that they are going to or may that she has health problems herself, so he wants to break this gently.

He made it clear that things haven't developed.....for him....and that he was using her. I thought he may do a moonlight flit like he did to me, but I really hope he finishes it probably. I feel for her.

Or he could have changed his mind! Anyhow, I'm going to leave it until Monday and see whether to email again. D is fuming as he's only taken GD out twice since promising to take her out every two weeks.

As job says......dig deeper for patience!

Westo,

For now, leave him be. He's got some major decisions to make and follow thru on and until he actually has cut the ties w/the ow, he's going to be sitting on the fence and keep you dangling.

Keep your expectations at zero when it comes to him doing what he says he's going to do. The ow is still in the picture and until she's gone, he's going to be soft shoeing with the both of you. Show him that you are the prize by allowing him the time to figure things out for himself.

Try to remember...you still haven't been rehired as the wife, companion and lover yet. He's still out there and you don't want to come across as his mother by checking on him too much. You know he's got things to work out...so be patient and allow him the time and space to do what he needs to do. Dig deeper for patience, or he'll feel even more pressure and opt to stick it out w/her for a while longer.

Breathe, relax and allow things to move at their "slow" pace for now. I know you love him and want him back...but he's got to cut those ties on his own at his own pace or he could return home and then go back out again, i.e., thinking that he still wasn't satisfied with the way things ended between him and the ow. It's best to allow that hot mess to die a very natural death.

Westo, you know the pattern, circle in, cycle out. You just have a few more rotations before he makes it back.

Job, you are right....of course.

I will leave him alone. If I hadn't have convinced myself that it was his mother he was pushing and thinking he may have moved back already, I wouldn't have expected any movement for a few weeks anyway.

And, I did tell him that I can't move forward until he moves in to his parents, so there really isn't any point in him calling really (I didn't tell him the last bit). I want him to break up with her properly as I want his full attention on me, I can't and won't accept less.

I will trust my gut instinct. When I put down the phone last Friday, my inner voice said "we are going to be ok". For all I know he could have come out with something when he got home after his night out to OW, because something has happened since Friday, as he told me if he didn't call Sunday it would definitely be Monday and he's been pretty true to his word for the last eight weeks.

Maybe she's giving him a rough time since then, or he may genuinely be unwell. I actually wouldn't be surprised if he really did have an upset stomach.....through stress as he did have issues like this before BD. But there's no way he wouldn't go to work.....that's a lie!

Anyway, I will step back and show that this is a place of calm. He knows what he has to do.

I must add, if it wasn't for this place, the old me would have been bombarding him with pathetic emails.......

{{{{Westo}}}}}

Yes, be an oasis of calm. I like that. So, what are you going to do to create an oasis of calm for yourself? What's the plan for the weekend? xoxoxo

Thanks for the cwtch Bttrfly!

Well, the weather at the moment is awful so I can't go for my therapeutic walks:(

It's going to remain wet right into next week, can't cope with that so I've just ordered a Bluetooth speaker to play music in the spare bedroom where I have a Water Rower machine.

It cost a lot but I haven't used it for over a year. So, I will ask Alexa to play music to work out to and row, row, row.....!

Westo

Could not agree with job more. I will just share this from a guys perspective (I wouldn't dare attempt a guy MLC impression as I would be put in the to tight for comfort white jacket)

Quote:

So I emailed asking if he was ok as he said he would call. He replied that he hadn't gone to work as he had felt sick with a bad stomach since Sunday morning and wasn't back in work until Wednesday, when he would call next. So I replied 'it must have been all the alcohol sat night, hope you feel better soon. No reply.

Classic pursuit on your part followed by a nice little judgemental zinger at the end which us fellas refer to as a nag.

MLCrs really despise being judged, true they leave a wake of destruction in their path but thats really all the LBSs fault right? (In their heads anyway).

As far as the break with OW, coming home ... he knows he can do as he pleases, you are right as he left you so its really up to him. One day OW might look good, the next you do ... he is gonna need sweat pants with all the cake available for him.

As job said, Zero expectations on your part, GAL, PMA and allow that A to flame out without interfering because the road to recovery is already a tough one if there is still doubt in his head of what he truly wants you are in for a longer tougher time.

Hi Caliguy,

I appreciate what you are saying as a blokes POV. However.....

When we spoke on the phone he said he was going out on a works do from 2pm Saturday afternoon and would call Sunday but if not definitely Monday.

I told him that I didn't expect him Sunday as he would probably be very hungover, to which he agreed.

When he didn't turn up on the Monday I did honestly wonder if he was ok. Bearing in mind, if anything did happen to him and he ended up in hospital, how would I know?

So I did what I've been told to do on this forum and treated him like a neighbour/friend and asked if he was ok and hoped he would get well soon. That's it......I don't see this as nagging, and if he does well, I don't know what to say.

I can understand where you are coming from, but I am human. and quite frankly, if he can't handle a simple email like this......

Then we have no chance!

I think their point was the alcohol comment. I did wince a bit. Sorry.

As unjust as his behavior has been, (and believe me, I get it,)

he will still need to believe that the marriage he returns to,

is different/better than the one he leaves

which you also said you want. As far as what he will need to be able to handle if he returns, that's about piecing and you are not there yet. You have not really gotten to reconciliation.

Hey, I don't mean to be a downer at all. There are many parts to your story that are very encouraging. I am just hoping to give you a bit of food for thought.

I was very happy to hear that your tests came back negative, by the way. Makes me realize I do need to get a scan.

((( )))

Hi 25,

Thank you for dropping by and wishing me well on my results. I went for another bone scan this week and I have my radiotherapy meeting on August 9th, so I should have an idea on when it starts then.

I can understand the wince at my comment on the alcohol intake, but as he's not a big drinker and him saying he felt sick from the morning after a big session.....was the only conclusion I could come to. I think I was also testing him as I didn't believe him. I know him and if it was the truth he would have responded and with more detail, after all, why didn't he just email me saying he won't be calling after all as he was ill?

But no....he waited for me to ask, then came out with that white lie. I honestly think he knows I know it's a lie and I also think it's suiting him quite fine that I haven't contacted him since, so he doesn't have to fob me off with more lies.

I don't know what it is, but I have a feeling they have some kind of function this weekend that OW has been looking forward to and he can't get out of without looking a right A Hole......

Never mind, I've waited a long time and I do realise that the cancer diagnosis came out of the blue, not only for me but for him too..and before he was ready to emerge from the tunnel.

So I will do what my female instinct tells me. Which is to leave him do what he has to do. I'm not going anywhere, I am strong and truly believe what will be, will be.

I'm not the only prize here, but his home, kids, parents, grandkids and friends. He has far more to gain by coming back than I do.

So, a small update.

I didn't contact H for three weeks to leave him the time and space Job advised to do. Then two weeks ago I emailed him asking if he was still alive.

He answered two days later 'yeah just about X', so I answered 'what do you mean? Have you been really ill then?' Now I didn't want to bring my treatment into it but knew if I did he would be obliged to answer, so I added.....'I went for a ct scan today and had three dots tattooed on my chest so they can line me up properly every day'

He answered ' no, I was ill for a couple of days but I'm ok now and working nights. When does your daily treatment start then?'

'Not for four to five weeks. Are you any closer to sorting the stuff you said you needed a few weeks to do?'.

No answer, so I left it a week.....for it to sit in his head. Texted him yesterday, so I knew he would see it unlike my previous email which he sometimes uses the excuse that he doesn't always have email access.

Me...'please communicate with me. It's been over five weeks since our talk. It's our anniversary on Sunday and I was hoping all this would have been sorted by then.'

He answered 'yes I will do, I didn't realise it was five weeks since then. I'm on my 7th night shift.'

Me 'will do what....communicate or sort things?' He answered straight away...'both'.

So........lets see.

Westo,
You sound desperate/anxious for answers. Maybe he's not ready or can't even begin to share what he's thinking at the moment. You do realize his journey is not about you and if he's not able to take care of himself or share his thoughts/decisions w/you, then he's not going to be able to provide you w/the empathy, compassion and support that you are seeking/expecting from him. I know you want him to be concerned about your health and what is going on and this is very very normal, but if you push too hard and fast, he may very well continue to be silent or distance himself further from you.

I know you want answers, but you've got to allow him to come to you when he's ready. Three weeks isn't enough time for him to miss you and wonder what you are up to. He needs to miss you in order for him to want to come out of his hole w/curiosity in order to contact you.

Please, please stop pushing for answers...when the time is right, they will be revealed to you, but you need to understand that he's not on your time clock of like quick. He is on a very slow clock and patience has to be used in a situation like this.

Hang in there. I do hope you are feeling better. Please dig deeper for patience and keep that expectations dial down on zero.

Dear darling Westo, this has pursuit written all over it and you now how that will end up. I recall Job's posts about how they sit and stare at the walls and never accomplish anything but feel like they are busy as time flies by. Sounds like your H.

He's going to come. Slowly, oh so maddeningly slowly, but he will come. Focus on you and D and family and let him do his thing.

Hi Job and OwnIt,

Yes, I know what it looks like. But I know him and while I keep quiet, he will think all is fine and carry on with his lifestyle of going to the pub, playing pool etc.

Well I've had enough. I brought our anniversary up as I didn't want to bring up the real reason......mainly our GD who he hasn't seen either since our talk. I can't be the fixer here, so won't mention her.

She is asking where he is (remember she thought he was dead) and asking why he hasn't taken her out, as promised. Crying and saying she misses him. Also I think the stress is affecting D and me. She's angry that he hasn't fulfilled his promise.

We had an almighty row last week. This limbo of the last few weeks is actually worse than the NC before my diagnosis! Coly mentioned that H sounds like a slow mover and he really is.

There is a very known saying here in Wales: I'll do it in a minute now.

That is H to a tee. So I'd like to think I'm just giving him a gentle nudge. After all.....it's not going to make the blindest difference at the end of the day.

We will either reconcile or not, but enough is enough. He knows that I won't shut up now. As far as I'm concerned he's known he wants reconciliation for nearly three months.

It's now a case of......come in number nine, your time is up.

Westo - He's perhaps comfortable because you are right where he left you.

Perhaps you need an adventure. Not the bodice ripping sort nor train robbery but maybe a couple of days by the sea-side or something.

Let him wonder where you are and what you're up to and have some fun in the mean-time.

AP......I did that for a year. No more, I'm tired.

((((Westo))))

Hi Westo, I understand that you want to know but I encourage you to follow the wise advice from others.

Step back, leave him be and make some nice plans for yourself. I don't think pushing and prodding is a good plan, sometimes doing nothing helps much more.

Take care and enjoy the long weekend xx

Hey Westo, all of this is so hard isn't it especially when you do not know what is going on in his head. Maybe all the nights he has been doing has prevented him from taking the next step?

I know you have been at this for a while so you must be exhausted and now you have had a hint that he wants to come back he annoyingly takes several steps back! I really don't envy the position you are in now. Almost dipping your toe in the river of piecing. However let him show you with his actions that he really does want to reconcile otherwise if you do all the work you will always be wondering....

Big cwtch to you (((Westo))), hang in there...

Hi guys,
I understand your concerns, I really do. I would be exactly the same if I was on the outside reading.

But....I know this man and I always listen to my inner voice. I trust it. When we ended our last call...she said "we are going to be ok".

He texted me Saturday morning at 2am 'hope you are feeling ok and asleep at this time'. It did make me laugh. I suppose this is his way of communicating like I asked him to do. The text also opened the possibility of me saying 'yes, have you sorted stuff yet?' Which is not like him and I didn't do.

So he texted again yesterday saying that he was away this weekend organising a motor sport event. He does every year. So we texted back and forth. Today is our anniversary and he texted to ask what I was up to on our Anniversary day.

I wanted to answer that I was throwing a party for 50 people, was drunk and doing the fandango, but just told him I was watching the cycling on the telly. 🙄

A few texts later I asked if he'd managed to sort things. His reply? ' not quite, but I will. I've had a few issues which I'll tell you about again'.

I just answered ok.....he knows I won't leave this go. Believe me I would get the silent treatment if he absolutely wasn't ready.

We shall see, he knows if the issues were about OW I don't want to know!

Westo - I know that we've chatted about this before a loooong time ago.

I know that there aren't a lot of counseling resources available to you and you do the whole British "stiff upper lip" thing despite being probably closer to the Irish than the Britons

No matter what direction your separate paths turn you may want to consider your support network. Perhaps the next time you are in the hospital for your treatments ask there what resources are available for mental and moral support.

You are an amazing and resilient woman. But you may want to know where you can reach out for help when you need it.

((cwtch) right back at you.

Westo, just wondering how you are doing?

Hi Coly,
I'm ok just a bit down. I'm in the middle of my radiotherapy treatment and I'm very tired.
H and me still text each other and he's called a couple of times. He still hasn't moved in with his parents.
The issues he had were three or four days after our talk the OW was threatening suicide and ended up in hospital. He said he's now basically waiting for the next argument (what a complete coward) and he'll leave. Apparently they argue often.
I'm not pushing it though. He will leave when he's ready.
I couldn't stop crying yesterday.....I think every thing is catching up with me.
Never mind, onwards and upwards!

Best wishes with your treatment and other stresses. I agree with the others especially sotto.

I think even gently reminding him is pursuing and can result in pressure being felt by the WAS. They cannot handle pressure. It does appear that his R with OW is on it's last legs. Let it die without further interference.He has to own that decision and not do so because you pushed for it. Doing it on his own helps him really decide. Otherwise he could later refute the decision because he never actually made it himself.

You seem to have enough on your plate. Look after yourself.

Best wishes

Hi roist,

Yes, I agree. I'm not mentioning it again. It has to be in his own time. I just don't want to go back to NC as before because it was starting to get awkward again.

He's going to try and call this evening on his way to work, so we'll see.

Thank you for your best wishes

Tell me how beautiful Wales is this time of year.

Hi Own,

Well, it's very green as we haven't really had a summer this year! It's been very mixed here today.......sunny one minute, chucking it down the next.

Typical British weather!

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Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones