Need guidance. - 05/01/17 08:38 AM
Hi,
New here. I'll do my best to keep the details on point:
Two guys, married, and have a child.
Moving towards 15 years together.
About six months ago, my husband reveals the beginning of an emotional affair. He had been acting strange around me, and I thought he was mad at me, and I asked him about it. He told me what had happened, and he was feeling terrible about it.
Moving forward, I'm trying to figure out what to do. At the time, both of us want to work on the marriage, but he was infatuated with this guy. We talked it to death, and finally I told him to just go meet him because I cannot control him. I didn't like it, nor did I really want it to happen, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. I came to realize, and I told him, my bigger issue with things is that I need to be able to tell him no to something in our relationship and have him accept that. It was really the root issue that was bothering me. Besides, he was also promising that he'd go out of town, meet the guy, stay within boundaries I could accept, and then come back and work on the marriage and cut the guy off.
He comes back, we talk a lot. In the midst of this, he tells me he he doesn't have any romantic feelings for me, he's not sexually attracted to me. He tells me I'm very attractive, but he doesn't have it for me. He questions if he ever really had it. We agree to do therapy, but he doesn't know what the future holds and what the relationship will look like in the future.
Well, long story short, he came back. He cut him off. Then he brooded, and I expected this. About a week later, they broke down and started talking again. Then, within maybe two weeks, another trip is planned. He went down there, and they had a lot of sex. He told me it was going to happen, and he knew it was against my wishes. This trip happened just after our first or second? session with our therapist.
I've tried to figure out a way to make this work to allow him some space and see what happens with this affair, but about a week after he came back, then he dropped the bombshell that he doesn't want to be married to me. He tells me that he's in love with this guy, and he's the next step.
Basically, I feel like he's rewritten our history and the good times we've shared together. He's lost weight, he's feeling healthy. Lots of changes in his life that to me make me think mid-life crisis.
I've backed way off. In therapy, the therapist is trying to get both of us to give just an inch that it could go the way the other sees it going. I'm willing, and I think he's finally willing. The thing that is so confusing is that I'm now working on my life, improving myself and my social life, etc. I'm taking action and have been for a few weeks now. Therapy has been good, and my husband has taken notice, and he tells me since the day he dropped the bomb on me that he's really enjoyed being around me and likes me. It's been a great few weeks to him.
As for my side of things, yes, it's been a good few weeks, but I'm trying to stay on track. He's still talking to this guy. I got pissed the other night because he's talking to him on the phone in our home. He doesn't have the resources to move out, and his idea is that we put a second bed in our son's room where he would bunk up with him for now. I'm trying to not be a controlling jerk, and I'd intended to bring this very item up in our next therapy session. He texts the guy all day. I can cope with that, but I hate hearing the phone calls. If he wants to do that, it can happen after I've gone to bed and closed the bedroom door. We still sleep in the same bed, no sex though. Not since his last trip. We were talking about something he brought up, I don't remember what, and then a call came in. He asked if he could take it. I told him whatever, I don't care for it. He cancelled it. I told him to just take it and I was going for a walk. I told him that what he's doing is really s***ty. It was late, but I needed to get out. He asked me to text him periodically so he knew I was OK. I told him OK, then left. I walked a very long walk and texted him the neighborhood I was in. I went to one of our favorite Martini bars. I ended up talking to a couple of guys there. To answer the question right away, no I didn't do anything. I wasn't out for that. I was out to just have fun and be social. This is one of my traits that bothers my husband. I'm human, and there are other attractive people out there, but I know what I want: my husband, and our son together as a family. To be honest, right now, I think it'd had made him happy if I'd actually gone out and messed around. That's the messed up thing. He really likes me, and he's not completely lost his mind. He genuinely cares about me and wants me to be happy, but this feeling like he wants me to have fun, but maybe with different motives is a little sickening. Essentially, I think he likes seeing this stuff because he wants to know that I can move on.
I didn't initiate any texts with him that night other than the first to let him know what neighborhood I was in. He sent one about an hour later asking if I was on my way back, it was about 10:30PM, and I told him not yet, and that I'd probably be taking an Uber since it was late. I didn't tell him where I was, but he could easily use GPS to locate me if needed (turns out he doesn't know how to use it). I stayed out until 2:30, when I was walking up to the house, I got a text from him asking what's going on. I simply told him I was walking up to the house. He asked if I had fun. I did. I told him that. I didn't go into great detail. I told him where I went and that I hung out with a couple of guys and came home. That was Friday.
Come Sunday night, we'd been watching a show together that was very emotional. He brought up how it's weird when we were married (still are, but calling ourselves separated at the moment), he wouldn't want to show emotion, and he'd be annoyed by me being emotional about something like the show, but now it's different. He brought up stuff about Friday night and wanted to know how I felt about it. I told him the truth. I told him I'm not going to chase him. I told him I went out to have fun, and I also wanted to irritate him. I explained that he's had all the control in everything, and in working in therapy, whichever way it goes, there will be boundaries and restrictions set. I reminded him of how crappy his phone call thing was. Other stuff came up, and then our son came up. This is a very touchy point that we'll definitely be working with the therapist on. My husband seems to think that he will be able to run off, but we can still play family after things have settled. We can do holidays together, and it doesn't have to be like others. It can be different. First, I'll say, possibly, but I told him the truth: what makes him think that I want to do that with the person I care about who's left me. I told him I'm very lonely. I broke down. It's a setback. They happen, and I'm just moving forward from it.
I've stopped the I love you's. I've stopped giving hugs. I'm trying to do my best, but I'm very confused with my very confusing husband and his behavior. Help, advice? Ask away. I'm trying to preserve my family. I am trying to do the work. I just need to know I'm on the right path. I am taking care of myself, and I am taking steps to get a life. I'm also in close quarters with the one I love who doesn't love me back in the same way, and it's very difficult to navigate.
Thanks,
TIP12
New here. I'll do my best to keep the details on point:
Two guys, married, and have a child.
Moving towards 15 years together.
About six months ago, my husband reveals the beginning of an emotional affair. He had been acting strange around me, and I thought he was mad at me, and I asked him about it. He told me what had happened, and he was feeling terrible about it.
Moving forward, I'm trying to figure out what to do. At the time, both of us want to work on the marriage, but he was infatuated with this guy. We talked it to death, and finally I told him to just go meet him because I cannot control him. I didn't like it, nor did I really want it to happen, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. I came to realize, and I told him, my bigger issue with things is that I need to be able to tell him no to something in our relationship and have him accept that. It was really the root issue that was bothering me. Besides, he was also promising that he'd go out of town, meet the guy, stay within boundaries I could accept, and then come back and work on the marriage and cut the guy off.
He comes back, we talk a lot. In the midst of this, he tells me he he doesn't have any romantic feelings for me, he's not sexually attracted to me. He tells me I'm very attractive, but he doesn't have it for me. He questions if he ever really had it. We agree to do therapy, but he doesn't know what the future holds and what the relationship will look like in the future.
Well, long story short, he came back. He cut him off. Then he brooded, and I expected this. About a week later, they broke down and started talking again. Then, within maybe two weeks, another trip is planned. He went down there, and they had a lot of sex. He told me it was going to happen, and he knew it was against my wishes. This trip happened just after our first or second? session with our therapist.
I've tried to figure out a way to make this work to allow him some space and see what happens with this affair, but about a week after he came back, then he dropped the bombshell that he doesn't want to be married to me. He tells me that he's in love with this guy, and he's the next step.
Basically, I feel like he's rewritten our history and the good times we've shared together. He's lost weight, he's feeling healthy. Lots of changes in his life that to me make me think mid-life crisis.
I've backed way off. In therapy, the therapist is trying to get both of us to give just an inch that it could go the way the other sees it going. I'm willing, and I think he's finally willing. The thing that is so confusing is that I'm now working on my life, improving myself and my social life, etc. I'm taking action and have been for a few weeks now. Therapy has been good, and my husband has taken notice, and he tells me since the day he dropped the bomb on me that he's really enjoyed being around me and likes me. It's been a great few weeks to him.
As for my side of things, yes, it's been a good few weeks, but I'm trying to stay on track. He's still talking to this guy. I got pissed the other night because he's talking to him on the phone in our home. He doesn't have the resources to move out, and his idea is that we put a second bed in our son's room where he would bunk up with him for now. I'm trying to not be a controlling jerk, and I'd intended to bring this very item up in our next therapy session. He texts the guy all day. I can cope with that, but I hate hearing the phone calls. If he wants to do that, it can happen after I've gone to bed and closed the bedroom door. We still sleep in the same bed, no sex though. Not since his last trip. We were talking about something he brought up, I don't remember what, and then a call came in. He asked if he could take it. I told him whatever, I don't care for it. He cancelled it. I told him to just take it and I was going for a walk. I told him that what he's doing is really s***ty. It was late, but I needed to get out. He asked me to text him periodically so he knew I was OK. I told him OK, then left. I walked a very long walk and texted him the neighborhood I was in. I went to one of our favorite Martini bars. I ended up talking to a couple of guys there. To answer the question right away, no I didn't do anything. I wasn't out for that. I was out to just have fun and be social. This is one of my traits that bothers my husband. I'm human, and there are other attractive people out there, but I know what I want: my husband, and our son together as a family. To be honest, right now, I think it'd had made him happy if I'd actually gone out and messed around. That's the messed up thing. He really likes me, and he's not completely lost his mind. He genuinely cares about me and wants me to be happy, but this feeling like he wants me to have fun, but maybe with different motives is a little sickening. Essentially, I think he likes seeing this stuff because he wants to know that I can move on.
I didn't initiate any texts with him that night other than the first to let him know what neighborhood I was in. He sent one about an hour later asking if I was on my way back, it was about 10:30PM, and I told him not yet, and that I'd probably be taking an Uber since it was late. I didn't tell him where I was, but he could easily use GPS to locate me if needed (turns out he doesn't know how to use it). I stayed out until 2:30, when I was walking up to the house, I got a text from him asking what's going on. I simply told him I was walking up to the house. He asked if I had fun. I did. I told him that. I didn't go into great detail. I told him where I went and that I hung out with a couple of guys and came home. That was Friday.
Come Sunday night, we'd been watching a show together that was very emotional. He brought up how it's weird when we were married (still are, but calling ourselves separated at the moment), he wouldn't want to show emotion, and he'd be annoyed by me being emotional about something like the show, but now it's different. He brought up stuff about Friday night and wanted to know how I felt about it. I told him the truth. I told him I'm not going to chase him. I told him I went out to have fun, and I also wanted to irritate him. I explained that he's had all the control in everything, and in working in therapy, whichever way it goes, there will be boundaries and restrictions set. I reminded him of how crappy his phone call thing was. Other stuff came up, and then our son came up. This is a very touchy point that we'll definitely be working with the therapist on. My husband seems to think that he will be able to run off, but we can still play family after things have settled. We can do holidays together, and it doesn't have to be like others. It can be different. First, I'll say, possibly, but I told him the truth: what makes him think that I want to do that with the person I care about who's left me. I told him I'm very lonely. I broke down. It's a setback. They happen, and I'm just moving forward from it.
I've stopped the I love you's. I've stopped giving hugs. I'm trying to do my best, but I'm very confused with my very confusing husband and his behavior. Help, advice? Ask away. I'm trying to preserve my family. I am trying to do the work. I just need to know I'm on the right path. I am taking care of myself, and I am taking steps to get a life. I'm also in close quarters with the one I love who doesn't love me back in the same way, and it's very difficult to navigate.
Thanks,
TIP12