Hi again

[wing73]

Hi all, haven't posted here for a while and completely lost all my log ins so have to sign in as new.

Briefly my story. H and I together for 20 years, he got unhappy, said he didn't love anymore. Moved out 3 months later in August 2015.
October 2015 introduces our sons O his work friend. I fin proof of loads of texts and phone calls between them for months. He denies anything.
November 2015 tells our kids he is seeing her.
February 2016 moves in with her and her kid still saying nothing had been going on.

I've had 18 months of hell with being passively aggressively mean towards me but I've managed to slowly pull myself back up mostly.

But now, 4 weeks ago he has filed for divorce blaming me, and now goes on about a parenting agreement.

I have done no contact, I've not used the kids ( I never would), I've not let him see that I am affected in recent months but still this carries on.

He is done and carries on with ow and filing for divorce. I can not comprehend how all this has happened and that a once happy secure family unit has been destroyed. Any advice and support or words of encouragement would be appreciated. Thanks.

[job]

wing,

Do you remember what your poster name was previously? I can then locate your last thread and link it here.

[Cristy]

Hello wing73,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

How old are your children? Michele has an excellent article regarding what to tell the children regarding divorce. Please email me directly if you would like me to send you the link.

Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best wing73 and Mom that only a fool would leave.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[peacetoday]

sorry you are here

your situation is similar to all of ours
it is not your fault --His new R will never work nor bring him the happiness he wants

they will say all kinds of things to cover themselves they lie to avoid taking any blame in the destruction of the family
OW are usually trash as they A down

Make sure your L is a good one
Get everything you need to take care of yourself and the kids
The MLCer is ruthless - Many dont care about their kids and they will leave us in debt
be careful
D is like a business deal
sometimes they get meaner during the process if they see they are loosing out financially
focus on yourself now ,,take good care of yourself
get support, eat well and rest
you will get to the other side

[wing73]

Hi all,

Haven't posted for a while but wanted to check in for an update and hopefully some support.
To refresh memories:

My nightmare began May 2015 ...I get the unhappy I don't love you speech
August 2015 - leaves me and our two children ( leaves me paying off a loan I took out for him a couple of months earlier, the mortgage and walked away with £14,000 of mortgage money)
October 2015 - kids innocently tell me about daddy's work friend, I check his phone records and find he has been texting and ringing work friend for months, unbeknown to me
Nov 2015 tells kids he isn't is seeing this friend.
Jan 2016 - he moves in with his friend and her daughters...and begins a year of nastiness, not sorting finances etc.
February 2017 he files for divorce, 3 weeks later announces his friend is pregnant
October 2017 takes me to court for more access to kids ( he had always had access to kids) whole thing gets dropped by him a couple of months later
Dec 2017 baby is born
April 2018 finally discloses some financial detail she but he stalls constantly. I find they earn a fortune together and also spend a fortune.
October 2018 says he wants 80 % of our financial assets and a clean break or he'll file for absolut in 14 days.
Nov 21st 2018 absolut granted- no financial settlement in place.
Dec 2018 a situation occurs with the kids where I finally lose my temper and lose it on phone to his friends mother ( wine fuelled). Next day text from his friend saying I am the nastiest most bitter person she has ever known.

So there it is....I a, 45, single mother, divorced after 20 years with him, kids resent his friend, ex and I have no communication, no financial settlement and no remorse or faltering about his decision .

[Cadet]

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[peacetoday]

wing

Sorry for the way it turned out-
I get the pain-Ive been there-

Now is the time for you to start over
Get whatever support you need to grieve and let go and forgive(as time goes on)

He is not the kind of Man you would want- but as you continue to do the right things by yourself and kids-you will be healed
We all come from dirty break ups with our MLCer
Most of them are lying, cheating spouses with little regard for us or their kids-

Come here to rebuild, get support advise hugs-

Hang in there-
Joel Olsteen and other dynamic speakers on tube can help us reframe our negative experiences with our XH

(hugs)

[job]

wing,

I am so sorry that things haven't gotten any better between your xh and you. Unfortunately, the wine didn't help the situation. You need to step back, take a deep breath and work up the courage and apologize to the friend. Yes, you need to do this and very soon.

It is Christmas and miracles do happen around the holidays and one of those miracles is to learn to love yourself and appreciate what you have in your life at this very moment. You have your children in your life. They are the most precious beings out there. Money can't hold a candle to your children.

One of the things that I am going to ask of you is that you put a rubber band on your wrist and when you get angry or about to say something that isn't very nice, snap that band and your thoughts will only be on the sting. Count to ten before saying anything and remember, the words said in anger are very hard to take back once they have crossed your lips.

People do not understand what we are going through, i.e., spouses leaving, moving in w/the Affair Partners, fighting us all the way in court and the dirty little jabs they tend to give us around holidays and special events. They are not the ones that are left trying to figure out how to make ends meet and take care of our families and homes, as well as ourselves during the year, but most importantly around family holidays. Until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will not understand...but you can be the bigger person and apologize for whatever you said and then let it go. The ball will then be in her court to figure out what she needs to do or say. But, you will have shown her that you can rise above all of the crazy making drama and do the right thing.

As for the your xh, there is nothing you can do to change the course he is on. He will have to live w/the consequences of his actions. Let him go...focus on you and your children and look to the new year to find ways to make new traditions and to live your life to the fullest. Your children are your greatest jewels in the tiara. He is the one that will not be there to watch and share in their growing up...you will. Cherish those times for life doesn't stand still.

Living well is truly the sweetest revenge of all.

[DnJ]

Good Morning wing73

I am sorry for the twists and turns your situation has taken. Three years is a long time to put up with this.

Both peace and job are some of the most wisest people here and have given you excellent supportive advice.

The unfortunate wine fuelled exchange with freind’s (OW) mother needs to be addressed. Job is correct, stand up and apologize for whatever it is you said. The alternative will leave the ball in your court and it will eat away at you.

There is no shame in apologizing, it is a showing of strength and character. You will feel better for doing it.

It is only a guess, I am thinking your comments, your outburst, has tipped you to reach out here. This is a safe place, a place of support, compassion, and healing. I urge you to not take such a long hiatus until your next posting.

Please let us know how your apology went.

So there it is....I a, 45, single mother, divorced after 20 years with him, kids resent his friend, ex and I have no communication, no financial settlement and no remorse or faltering about his decision .

That is a very apt summary. It is however rather narrow.

You are 45, with two loved children, your house is probably decorated for Christmas, there will be excitement about presents and relatives visiting. Are your kids still in school, or even post secondary? So much going on then, my goodness that is a busy time. A woman of 45, you sound stable, smart, articulate, I am guessing you work, you understand finances the 14,000 and mortgage complaint was a good clue. You do not mention loosing your home, so I am figuring you are a home owner and deal with all that entails. Three years, and you have been through the wringer, I am postitive you’ve learnt some valuable lessons along the way. Good for you! Look at all you have accomplished and survived.

Wing, maybe it is not such an apt summary. It can be from a certain point of view, look beyond it, there is much detail missing. You are missing, that point of view, that detail, fill that in. That would make a very apt summary.

I would love to hear about you as well as the situation. I am willing to support you with either you chose to share. For now, remember you are loved, enjoy the holidays, and have a happy and Merry Christmas.

DnJ

[wing73]

Thanks Dnj,

Unfortunately I can't really remember what I said to ow mother.
I hear what you are saying, I really do. But an apology can't come.
It's not eating me up....I'm horrified at the person I can be now, however I also I know I've kept my dignity for 3 years and been silent. However if what I said hurt ow....then so be it.

Moving on from that...thanks for all your support. Merry Christmas xx

[job]

wing,

It's not what you said about ow and whether or not it hurt her, but what you said to her mother. Her mother can't control her daughter and she didn't deserve to be put in the middle of the mess. If you do find it in your heart to apologize to the mother, then I would just text something like, "ow mother, I am sorry for contacting you. I realize now that I shouldn't have contacted you." That's all you need to say.

The problem I see w/what happened is that even a bit of wine high, you may have actually validated what your xh may have said about you, i.e., you are bitter, etc. No one should be painted this way. The holidays tend to bring out all of the hurt, anger and disappointment that we have had to endure because of our spouses walking out and doing things that they normally would not have done. Try to remember, that the ow isn't the only one at fault here...your h didn't have the gumption to say no and walk away.

We are human and we all make mistakes, but it's what we do w/those mistakes, i.e., we either learn from them and accept that we need to work on those issues, or we continue to repeat over and over again those mistakes.

I do hope that you will find it in your heart to send a quick text to apologize to the mother. Whatever you decide to do, we are here to walk the path w/you.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

[wing73]

Hi job, sorry, can't do that, besides I spoke to the mother on my sons phone, haven't got her number.

Even if it justifies ex h view of things, it wouldn't matter what I did, he'd still view he is right.


This morning opening presents with the kids...really makes me realise what an idiot he is. How can someone be so unhappy that they would rather spend the rest of their life not experiencing stuff like that . Happy with kids but irritated with him

TBH I think the ncident with mil is best forgotten , saying anything now will just escalate things. Let them dine on that one kick off from me ....

[job]

wing,

I am sure your kids were so excited to open presents this morning. Your children are the most precious and valuable jewels in the tiara. Money can't hold a candle to their love for you and vice versa.

People who walk away from their marriages, families and homes think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. The euphoria of the greener grass takes some time to run its course and then they realize that what they were looking for was right back at the home that they left. It's unfortunate that they do this because no one can replace the experiences and memories that are made while they are gone. The children grow up, the spouses move on and become far wiser than ever before. It's just a shame that this is a huge lesson that they have to learn.

Now, your xh will start all over again w/a new family and I would venture to say that, in time, it will become a routine and they will eventually co-exist just to keep the peace in that household. Not too many who remarry and become "new" parents all over again are actually happy. I've seen too many of these scenarios over the years and I shake my head time and time again that there are many marriages that could have been saved, but the one spouse is looking for that greener pasture.

I know things are still difficult for you...but try to look for one thing positive each and every day. You have so much to be thankful for, i.e., the children and your family. Leave the xh at the door and when you think about him, sweep the dust he left behind right out that door.

Living well is the best revenge when they walk out the door. It's time to turn the focus back on to you and your family.

Merry Christmas! Enjoy the day, take lots of photos and just enjoy your children.

[wing73]

Your words are so wise Job.

I've heard this a lot. My st solicitor said similar. In her experience the people who did this , if they knew the emotional and financial devastation they would cause they would never do it. Replacing a family is a pipe dream and when there are kids involved the cracks show as there ialways conflict. She said that the best your husband can hope for is the ow gets on with the kids. I said she ignores them and them her. The solicitor laughed and just said well he's screwed.

That was a year ago now. She also used the phrase 'the grass is not greener on the other side, just seems it for a while, until it starts to die'

I know that I am getting stronger. Now I just need to sort out my financial situation ( something ex h has continuously tried to ignore) .

I had a lovely day with kids yesterday, completely filmed out lol. Whilst their dad rang twice with two v brief phone calls with one and the other didn't answer the second call. It's very sad and somewhat pity him. He has been a very silly man and job I am sure you are right , as time moves on he will come to falter and I I hope will flourish xx