"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Link to my old post
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2739177&page=1
Hello ownit and job... well he stopped I think ... don't see any msg on the group.. maybe he Skype them. And maybe not. I don't plan to ask or snoop ... don't want to draw their attention on wether he called or not. Let him deal with his relationship with them. Till now I don't see them hurt or even aware or complaining hence let it be.
I am doing great, still looking for an apartment but i think will confirm one tomorrow. It is so funny my friends are jealous that I get to travel and do what I feel like while they are stuck in their routine life. Nothing in my life is routine no more and somehow I love the free spirit. This ordeal taught me a lot . First not to take good life for granted and enjoy what you have. I stopped the running and lowered my financial commitment to feel more free rather than run in this mouse race. I know some people don't understand but I don't care at the moment I am having fun. ( maybe I will be going through mic... I hope not)
Lana, I'm so happy to hear that you are feeling good. Sadly I'm not surprised that he has already dropped out. Mine pulls the same stuff. Yes, let him own his relationship. I think we are in the same club. 25 told me at the beginning that I could live in a legal marriage and find happiness or get a divorce and find my happiness that way. I have a huge financial disincentive in filing for D and don't believe in it. Sounds like your financial position might not change either way. Seems like you have the same choices. A marriage in name only or a divorce that you initiate. I will say that your H speaks to you in a much more kind and loving way than mine does. I have initiated no R talk since December. If I did, I'm sure I'd hear how much he can't wait to be divorced from me. If the status quo works for you, don't give one moment's thought to what anyone else thinks.
Hello own it ... actually I am happy I don't have any expectations no more. I think it is really nice to stop expecting stuff and only doing what you think is right. At least I don't have to consult with anyone ...(looking at the very bright side) don't have to figure a good time to open a subject about anything I want...no need to compromise.
Ok here is the update. I feel I am watching a movie from far away .. so after two days of no contact with the kids he msg them asking how is it going and he missed them last 2 days. Funny enough the girls didnot answer the msg for two days the the younger one sent him a goodnight msg he replied saying he loves them.
As I said I am not interfering what so ever unless my kids are being hurt but they are doing ok.
Found one apartment for a month . Couldnot find something decent for three so inns month time will have to move. All is good at my side..... we will be fine ownit ... I know we will be...we might be even currently happier than lots of married couples...maybe we are spared the agony ...
Mine texted the kids after an 11 day absence (though to be fair he did see D on Saturday). Same generic I love you. They never text him back. He hasn't seen my son in well over a month now (and keep in mind he lives 50 min away and works 7 days on and 7 days off). At least your H has the excuse of distance and resources. Sorry you are having troubles with lodging. At least this way you have some time to look for something else.
Hello ownit...
I've been reading your stitch yesterday and you are right so many similarities expect mine will not spew but will completely ignore what he doesnot want. I always believed he is a very clever person and always ensure he is politically correct so that you can never say he called me this or that. He used to be a meter in pushing my buttons to retaliate and guess who will be the villain then ...me. So at least for the time being I have no one to push my buttons. In your stitch there are so many great words given which are worth to be reread . The key is to detach and create your environment. I know my H was a great person but now I do believe that Mlc can change any man and become the most vindictive person on earth , hence we can't depend on our past knowledge. But the key is to ensure not to give them the reasons to justify their action. So when we get mad, angry, or even careless they have a reason to justify why they are doing whatever. And they start fighting us on everything kids, home, money everything and this is so stressful for everyone. The key is to kill them with kindness. This attitude will not give them the ammunition they need. We are the sane ones in this relation( I think) so no need to increase bitterness.
I know you are hurt for your kids relation with their father. My opinion let it go... don't suggest or offer. Let them deal with it. I tried so hard and figured it will not work I guess he felt I was trying to control him. You can't protect them from him let them figure things out and you will be there when they need you.
Ok latest update he msg them today asking about their day, then telling them that he played golf tournament and won. I suppose this means his back is doing better if he can play golf.Anyway my kid said good job and wished him good night.hahaha
My elder daughter is not communicating that much with him but let it be they will figure it out.
Lana,
Yes, it has been the hardest part about it for me, but I think I am ready now to let it go. I won't invite him to see them again or suggest that he do anything with them. If he asks I'll just give him a day and time--nothing more. I'm mentally prepared for anything he is going to throw at me at this point.
He spewed a lot in the beginning because he would poke me and I would respond. Since early December I have not responded so it is mostly Mr. Ice Cold Fish. If I say anything he doesn't like he completely ignores it and me. Boy does he not like it when I do the same thing back.
Sounds like yours is still in the tunnel (mine is still bad replay so he won't be out for a long time, if ever). He wants them to celebrate something stupid like his golf win while he probably never asks them anything about their own lives.
Hello..
Yes still in the tunnel... actually I always knew he doesnot have emotional intelligence . Hence he doesnot know what to say to them or to me. In addition to his ego and his standards which are extremely high he has issues with connecting to anyone because he stays on the surface of things and can't get intimate. He is very practical person who hides his emotions and run away from uncomfortable situations.
I don't think that will change , he once told me he has his demons that he need to work on and prefer us to be away. He realizes that he is having the problems and that he has to figure out stuff so in that sense I don't see him blaming me no more.. the blaming was the first year and s half of bd but I don't see that anymore. Only when he addresses some of his fault he would say we both contributed to the situation.
Anyway when he decides to get out of the tunnel and talk like adults I am willing to discuss the situation if not he can stay in his tunnel and figure out his life. At the end he is an adult and should be able to know what he wants.. yes I was affected dearly by his actions but I will be responsible to teach him what he should do. I am sure he knows it just trying to fight it or justify not doing it. I know if I get angry scream and shout he will be the worst person to work with cause he will get stubborn and vindictive while now he is confused how to handle us.he always said he is patient I will show him who is patient.
Lana, mine is also very shallow, has no empathy, and cannot handle intimacy. During times he was supposedly off with his OW we would become emotionally intimate and then boom, he would go running back to her.
Hi own it
Give it time don't expect anything now ... enjoy the extra time given and do something you always wanted to do. It is better to negotiate when he is ready if D is not want you want don't push or even draw any legal papers. Keep stalling or let him do that . This time is for you with no husband responsibilities use it to the max . Go have fun learn new skip read books party with friends. Travel, connect with familybe happy with him or without him. But he gental and loving too.
Does that makes sense to you?
Latest update... today kids and H did the 3rd Skype call in a week .before that he didnot talk to them since September except for some sporadic shallow txt msg.
It really feels different when he is doing things I used earlier to guilty him to do it and although he might have but seems he could not keep it. When he saw I stopped pushing him to do anything seems it started to make him feel he has a choice ...I suppose . ( it took him more than a year to figure that his relationship with his kids is his responsibility not mine)
This make it easier for me to think my travel was good for my kids...
I'm so happy that this is happening for your kids. It is a good model for me to step way back and let him see what he can do on his own with them. We will see him again Saturday in NY for my daughter's recital. I will not help him again in finding time with her. It will be up to him to ask.
I hope your H remains checked in and begins to feel better about himself through that involvement.
Lana,
Would you please try to use a hard return between your paragraphs? Spacing between paragraphs makes it easier to read your postings. Thanks!
Hi
Today I have been edgy most of the day ... I just feel like I want to finish it... I know I will not gain anything with divorce but I just feel like I am such a fool. I really can't explain my situation to anyone.
I keep saying he is depressed , financially struggling, and physically not in the best shape. I know I saw all of this when I went he was on a cane and painkillers. He didnot have extra money to even pay for us hence I paid most of the time. And of course he was depressed... but what if he has s girlfriend what if he is just enjoying his life. I know he misses the kids at least now he is showing them.
His last msg two months ago said he wants to be a better father and husband then why do I get stupid silly msg only ... like how is it going. I am fed up I do done . I deserve more , I deserve to love and be loved ... he is incapable of doing any of this and he is stubborn . I know I am too emotional I wrote couple of emails to him telling him I am done u want D then I deleted them . Not because u am afraid just because I know I am too emotional .
What do you think how should I write that. In one I want is short or should I put reasons . I want more I want s relationship. I want my kids to see a healthy relation . If nothing will change I don't wNt him no more . We have not spoken on the phone since September .. just stupid msg . I hate SMS I hate emails .
Sorry I guess one of those days.
Lana, you have every right to have one of those days. You have been so kind and patient and understanding for so long. It would be unnatural for you not to feel used, abused and discarded. I'm not sure what is worse. I know for certain that my H has had multiple women in the time he has been gone (and at least two during the marriage). Perhaps always assuming and not knowing is worse. I will admit that in reading your story I have always assumed that he has been with other women. Either that or he has a seriously debilitating depression.
I have been emotional at times and felt like sending that email. My suggestion would be to type out what you want to say and then sit on it. If you send that message, do it when you feel strong and capable. Do it when you are least likely to regret it later on.
Or do something less drastic. Tell him, I really want you to call me. I have not heard your voice since September. If he blows you off, maybe it adds fuel to your fire, if he does call, maybe you could tell him that you want to figure out if you guys are going to turn in or turn away. Maybe you could agree to a weekly check in to discuss things for a while and see where that leads. You've been doing the same thing a long time. Maybe it is time to experiment and note.
But, don't do anything when you are feeling low. Just know that it is understandable and I'd be more worried about you if, given your circumstances, you never felt that way. Know that you are not alone and that there are people here who care about you and your girls.
Hi
Well today feels much better at least I am not centered in my head and emotional. Yesterday was really awful day I have no idea what triggered it.
Thanks ownit for your lovely words . Yes it is very weird not knowing whether he is really working to make it or having fun on the side. I know his back is still hurting but less than before as he said he has lost weight but he is still on some medication and need a surgery. My analysis is that he is extremely depressed guilty and ashamed. But then again I honestly don't know and i could just be the fool.
On one side it maybe better on the other what if I am the naive wife who is being fooled twice.
Job - Don't know if there is a difference of how we should treat an Mlc in depression and withdrawal Vs an mlc in replay.
Ownit/ Ok so I have not sent anything which I am happy not to in that state. I like some of your suggestions especially the call me. I'll use it once I feel I got centered again.
The issue is I know D will not get me the relief I think it will but yesterday it was the only thing I was able to think of . I wrote at least 5 email spelling out my feelings and wanting a different relation. Just the act of writing was maybe good anyway I didnot send any. I think the day I leave would be s short msg with no explanations .
Thanks again ownit for watching my back.
Hi Lana, glad you are having a better day today. You have already been given some great advice. I just wanted to chime in and agree. Those days (and we all have them) where we spin, feel low, feel angry, antsy or whatever other strong emotion - are the days to do nothing I respect of our marital situations.
They are a great time to post here, lean on forum friends, vent, cry - and not a great time to be in touch with our WAS/MLCer. In my situations, there were some times I found it really hard to do nothing. But I have never regretted doing nothing, and I have come to find strength in that restraint.
Or if we feel the need to do something, it is good to do something for ourselves at that time...
Take care and it sounds like you are doing well, given all circumstances..
xx
Hello Sotto
Thank you for you words... I am happy I vented here that day. Not that he doesnot deserve it . But honestly speaking I think he is in a very dark place . I wish him well and I don't think in his place he can think of what I need or I feel. I realize that we can't loose our expectations if we care. Once we don't care then we completely have no expectations from our spouses.
Yesterday I met a Buddhist monk and he was talking about desires that now we desire one thing now and once we get it we desire another and so on. Human being can't be satisfied with what they have. What if What we think makes happy now would not. Then we will continue on this journey trying to fulfil unsatisfied desires.Apparently this monk was earlier married and got divorced according to him he could not keep up with pleasing one person with desires keeps changing..
It was interesting although I don't think that is true but I bet my H uses this as an excuse in his mind that satisfying me is difficult. Sometimes he used to say that me and the kids deserve better . Dah I know that.
Anyway seems after that day turmoil things got into place again ... nothing is situation changed only how I view things more objectively .
Hello ...
life has been great lately although I miss my kids but I know they are doing fine with my mom. Two weeks and I will be having them with me . On the other hand I am going mediation cycling , I joined some Meetup group for hiking and canoeing . Inaddiotion to having my night/dinners with friends.
I am feeling stronger and in a way life might be better solo without him . New possibilities I guess.
I have been doing well after my fiasco so I wrote an email and decided to sleep on it.. been editing it a bit but basically the theme is requesting for D . Maybe I will paste the email later so I decided to stir the pot a bit and get angry to send my final email.
I have not heard much from him lately ... but this time I am done . So I sent him an email with kids travel itnarary as I want his letter of approval for travel. Which I know he will send it. At the end of the email I wrote . "Note
I would still want to talk to you to discuss the future. I am still waiting for some plans from your end. I would appreciate to have clear specific dates . Let me know if you want to discuss anything and if you don't I guess I would have gotten my answer. "
Ok so no answer ,, I expected that , I honestly don't care what happens. I just want a closure I guess. So I sent a msg
"
Question - is this silence cry for help or a msg to xxx off . Don't bs me that you are busy . Maybe I will contact your mom or email your office to check"
"I would like you to call me my tomorrow Saturday Phone xxxx or skype Xxxx towards the night .. I have something to discuss. I would rather we talk about it rather that through emails."
I guess got scared that I call his mom or office not sure which one. But send me immediacy this msg
"Hi, no I will not BS you about being busy.... and yes let's have a call.... hope you are doing fine"
Ok so I am not sure if he will call but it has been a long time since we talked. Not sure where to start. Here are what I want
- I don't like this distant relationship and the silence
- I want to know what is his current situation work/bank/ health
- I want to know what kind of relationship does he has in mind and wether it is what I want or not. Any suggestion actually now that I am writing it I want to feel where in the spectrum of midlife cycle he is... is it still reply /denial /anger . My worry is that is depressed/suicidel if he is fine and just being stubborn then I can send my email with clear concious .
Does that make sense ?
Any suggestions ?
Lana, immediately after I saw this I wrote a long post which disappeared in the vapors. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts and you ultimately have to decide what is best for you and the girls. Also, I'm going to pose some questions to you. They are meant to be something for you to think about if you do talk to him.
I see conflict here. Are you really done? Do you really want a D? If not, I would not risk "stirring the pot." I always warn my clients about the danger of bluffing. Never threaten something you do not intend to follow through with. If you are ready for D then you won't worry about him taking offense to anything you ask.
Back to those questions, again for your thoughts.
1. You don't ask if there is or has been another woman. Does that matter to you? Would it make a difference in your plans. Do you think he would be truthful about it?
2. I would most want to know what his intentions are with respect to the girls. As I understand it, he pays nothing for them and hasn't seen them in a long while. Golf is an expensive hobby. It is hard to win tournaments if you aren't practicing. Why would that money not be better spent on the care of his children. What are his plans with respect to visitation? Has he considered the impact his absence without explanation is having on them?
3. Is there truly no benefit to you either way for a divorce. If he pays you nothing, he offers no help, he won't even respond to your request to call (which only under threat did he respond to with a TEXT), what is there to hold onto? Is it the belief that he may come back a reformed man? I think you have an idea where that is likely to turn out.
4. What would you gain in a divorce? Would it help you let go? Would it give you peace of mind? Are there religious or moral imperatives for you?
Have you done 25's mental exercise of imagining that he died a year ago and wondering where you would like to be now? If you are in the same place, there is probably no harm in hanging around. If not, then you need to consider the divorce, or at a minimum what you are doing for yourself right now.
I think every day now about what I can do to move this thing to fruition. I want to be done. I hate limbo. My L says do nothing (but keep in mind that mine is paying me substantially more than the amount we have tentatively agreed on). Have you talked to a lawyer? Have you considered what is best for you from an emotional and financial position.
Just some thoughts that occurred to me from your post. Know that I am pulling for you whatever you decide.
Hi Lana!
How are you doing? I wanted to check in on you.
Lana, immediately after I saw this I wrote a long post which disappeared in the vapors. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts and you ultimately have to decide what is best for you and the girls. Also, I'm going to pose some questions to you. They are meant to be something for you to think about if you do talk to him.
Hello Ownit thank you for your note. it was in the right place I think.
I see conflict here. Are you really done? Do you really want a D? If not, I would not risk "stirring the pot." I always warn my clients about the danger of bluffing. Never threaten something you do not intend to follow through with. If you are ready for D then you won't worry about him taking offense to anything you ask.
honestly speaking I don't know. on one hand I want to move ahead with my life in another I am scarred of the future and of starting again. thinking what if he is saying the truth. what if he is really depressed. what if I cut the last hopes he have with his old life and kids. whenever we used to have arguments he said he already have nothing, no family, no wife, no money, so compared to me I am in a better place than him. or at least that is how he sees it.
Back to those questions, again for your thoughts.
1. You don't ask if there is or has been another woman. Does that matter to you? Would it make a difference in your plans. Do you think he would be truthful about it?
yes now it does. if there is someone I don't want to continue standing up for my marriage no more. If I knew there is someone I will force divorce now. I am only standing up now in case he is depressed or need a friend otherwise I am done. he claims he is only concentrating on work. when I saw him last year I did not see any signs of anyone. and he never introduced anyone new to his family.
would he be truthful , I don't know but if in love he would like to get rid of me and the kids some how I guess
2. I would most want to know what his intentions are with respect to the girls. As I understand it, he pays nothing for them and hasn't seen them in a long while. Golf is an expensive hobby. It is hard to win tournaments if you aren't practicing. Why would that money not be better spent on the care of his children. What are his plans with respect to visitation? Has he considered the impact his absence without explanation is having on them?
At the moment I don't know he talks to them a bit then ignores them and wait until they contact him. in the past I know he always was generous with them and if he had the money would spend on them. He was never a stingy person. he is not also sending money to his mom for last 3 years too something he used to do when we were married as she need extra support. as for Golf he could be invited by his company or some business partners and tournament can be just a local one. he has around 1Million dollar in debt to the bank I suppose. when he becomes rich I know he will throw money on his kids cause the thinks money will solve everything and me and his mom only needs money from him. and no one cares about him.
3.
Is there truly no benefit to you either way for a divorce. If he pays you nothing, he offers no help, he won't even respond to your request to call (which only under threat did he respond to with a TEXT), what is there to hold onto? Is it the belief that he may come back a reformed man? I think you have an idea where that is likely to turn out.
yes it is the belief he may come back. it is the scare if he is in a very bad place, it is the disappointment in the kids eyes. it is a dream of maybe.
4. What would you gain in a divorce? Would it help you let go? Would it give you peace of mind? Are there religious or moral imperatives for you?
financially nothing at the moment. I feel the main issue I currently have is not able to explain my status to anyone. so am I married, am I divorced, am I separated. when is your husband coming, when will the kids see him. All of these make me feel bad. I wish we can talk and figure things out. I just want a closure either he wants a family or not. nothing more. if not I want to get out of his way and go through mine. It is like leaving no stone unturned.
Have you done 25's mental exercise of imagining that he died a year ago and wondering where you would like to be now? If you are in the same place, there is probably no harm in hanging around. If not, then you need to consider the divorce, or at a minimum what you are doing for yourself right now.
I have not done the exercise but work looking into it. I am doing what I want now. maybe not focusing much on my career but on having some money from jobs enough for me and the kids to have our needs and wants while ensuring I am able to give them the stability and support they deserve. seeking a full time career at the moment might compromise the quality time I have with them and i really enjoy what i have. on the other hand i am happy i am able to support my mom at the moment and my kids living with her and learning great habits from her. My mom although sad for my status says that maybe God brought me back for her only
I think every day now about what I can do to move this thing to fruition. I want to be done. I hate limbo. My L says do nothing (but keep in mind that mine is paying me substantially more than the amount we have tentatively agreed on). Have you talked to a lawyer? Have you considered what is best for you from an emotional and financial position.
what can you get from someone who does not have anything? maybe later if he become rich then I know he will be sending money. but not now. we live in two separate countries and we are from different nationalities/cultures. I am not going to fight for money . It will be too costly. if he want to pay he is welcomed otherwise cant run after him as I know it is fruitless and will cause more damage for the relationship with the kids.
Just some thoughts that occurred to me from your post. Know that I am pulling for you whatever you decide.
Thank you it was great thinking about your questions
Thanks ownit and Equisite for your concerns. here is an update.
I wrote the email and was planning to send it. I am a bit spiritual and in my faith we have a prayer asking for guidance. SO I prayed at night and requested guidance of whether to send the email requesting divorce or not. Next day I woke up with cramps, headache and gloomy. maybe it was my subconscious, maybe God wanted me to back off. No idea but I knew I should not send it. Then I got Ownit email and decided I will have to respond to all her questions before sending it which took a while.
I have been busy, meeting new people, hiking, and seeing my friends. I had a great conversation with one of my friends going through depression and mlc and I find it enlightening to hear how she feels. and how everything gets to her nerves and not being able to deal with daily activities. she told me how depression is paralyzing her sometimes and numbing her feelings. What if my letter makes him loose any hope of a normal life again. Would he fight for our marriage or just accept the fact. I wish I could know where in the process he is, IS he still in replay . Does he really want his life back or not. I wish I can shake him to speak anything.
So basically did not send him anything. He did not send the kids authorization letter until I reminded again and he sent an unconditional / open one. But I requested a specific dated letter.
he stopped communicating with the kids, they sometimes send him a msg but feel he is too busy at work and don't want to bother him so they bother me. I don't mind it and I spend hours with them.I love these kids so much I know I am so lucky to have them in my life.
They will be flying in next week and I have a great program for them to enjoy. I am been doing lots of hikes, beach and I know they will enjoy the summer.
As for him, I need to leave it to GOD to decide what he ants to do with him. I need to work on being proud of where I am and just be able to say I am separated.
Every month I seem to have a time where I get emotional and want to end things then I stop. the problem is I need closure and will not get it without us talking.
I'm so glad to hear from you and that you followed your heart on this. It could be that talking to the kids more reminded him of what he has lost and missed. I'm sure you will hear from him again when he is ready.
The best advice that I have seen on the boards, bar none, is when in doubt do nothing. When I have violated this, I have been sorry. When I have not, things have been good.
I guess you and I will sit in Limboland, proud to be great moms to our wonderful kids, and having no shame in telling someone that we are separated. This was their choice, not ours. All we can do is hold our heads up high and love our kids.
Hi Lana
I used to post here as Julie in 2015 and now in surviving divorce. I have only skimmed through your last thread but read this one And you are describing my ex.... (both a bit different from some of the walkaways here)
Both shared financial mismanagement and lack of financial transparency.
Both are able to stay cool, calm disconnected yet remain polite and in charge of their emotions. Both push buttons, but genuinely want their space. My ex loved My very limited contact.
Both have no real attachment to kids, and neither you and I get it.
Both have pain. Back issues.
In my own situation, I recently discovered a really really strong case for an expensive addiction to pain pills.
My ex is high functioning and comes across as clean cut, professional. You would never know.
Is you're ex an addict? Mine was leading a completely double life. I am only learning this though financial discovery and things that made no sense are making lots of sense.
Any weird habits? Stomach issues? Unexplained needs to run errands?
I too though affair (could have been 1 as well) aspergerss, OCD, intentional depletion of marital assets, mlc, distance/ pursuer issues, only to recently find out a secret alcohol and pain pill addiction.
If that is the case (and I could be wrong) marital counselors won't even see us because it's kind of a different ball park.
If I am wrong, I greatly apologize because I know the anxiety that a subject like this can invoke. But I was very naive to the signs and didn't even know to look for something like this 6 months ago. I would have liked someone to point it out, and in my case a friend who went through something similar did and I started detective work.
If it is the case, you can't approach him and expect him to admit it. Different type of help might be necessary. And getting Intel (without him knowing) might be crucual
Hugs.
J.
Also, pain killers are very serious addictions. They are in the opiate class...juat another derivative of heroin and really easy to become addicted to. Very expensive. They change ones brain chemistry and are insanely hard to withdraw from. Nothing to take lightly
hi JujuB
Thanks for joining in. Actually this is a strong possibility. he is high functioning at work and restless. Addiction to painkillers and maybe alcohol is a possibility although when I saw him I only saw around 2 cups of alcohol a day but painkillers he used to take a lot ( around 6 or more per day)due to his back and by end of day he is un able to move.
My friend says these numb feelings and makes him forgetful and cold. I don't think he takes any anti depressant as I don't think he think he has a problem other than his back.
The question would be we are in two different countries so I cant help in that. how do they wake up if ever?
Please, old timers, share your opinion on this....
In my story, ex-h was distancing himself from us but at one point, he was widhing WE WOULD MAKE THE MOVE TO GET CLOSER TO HIM!!! He tried to convince us to move in his city.... what if he was testing a possibility of an open door???? What if they want us to want them??
What if, divorce or not, they want to see if we have givingning them before they make a new commitment to us?? This is in tegards of depression and rising above...
My H has been pushing/threatening me to move near him. He did this first at bomb drop on OW1 and now is doing it again with OW2 (whom he has never acknowledged). I think he starts future faking a life with these women and then freaks out that we won't be there with him on the sidelines.
I have thought about the points you raise, but in my case it is not enough for me to chuck my life and upend my s (D will be away in NY). I wouldn't cross the street to be with the guy he is now.
Your theory make sense.. mine was living with OW2 when this subject came up..
Another time, he professed is love to me( phone call) while OW3 was in his bed...
Sideline for sure... unfortunstely, it was, without even having to think about it, 5 NO WAY!!!!
I apologise for bringing up " what if's"
I realised it after i posted.. they are not getting us anywhere..
Exquisite sorry but that was awful . He must be completely messed up to do that. That is why I said if I can confirm a ow now it will release me from any possibility I might think of. I can't go live at his place as he need to Sponser the kids. Also we talked about that a year ago and due to his finances kids residencies on him might be an issue and we might become liable. So that is not an option. We can only visit him.
I did that last year and paid fully for that. We had good time but he was broken. In Jan I offered to join us in a trip then I also offered to go and see him but he kept postponing. I recently learned he saw his family mom and siblings in April after more than a year since he last did. And maybe two since he saw his siblings. He feels like a failure and being with family members makes him feel ashamed too.
hi JujuB
Thanks for joining in. Actually this is a strong possibility. he is high functioning at work and restless. Addiction to painkillers and maybe alcohol is a possibility although when I saw him I only saw around 2 cups of alcohol a day but painkillers he used to take a lot ( around 6 or more per day)due to his back and by end of day he is un able to move.
My friend says these numb feelings and makes him forgetful and cold. I don't think he takes any anti depressant as I don't think he think he has a problem other than his back.
The question would be we are in two different countries so I cant help in that. how do they wake up if ever?
Hi Lana
I am learning. I am learning that pain killers are insanely addictive and one of the most difficult drugs to withdraw from. I think I read that if you do sober up there is a 90% chance of relapse. I am learning that people can function on these drugs a long time without the obvious junkie signs. It gets to the point where they need them just to be normal. I am learning that addicts are masters of secrecy, deflection, gas lighting. If you go on some other forums regarding drugs, you will learn from addicts themselves that if their companion knows about 5 pills a day, there is probably a significant amount more being taken.
It also seems to be a given that they are the ones that have to want to recover and they usually have to hit rock bottom for that to happen. Nothing we can truly do to get them to stop.
But I do believe Intel is important. First off, I dont know how things work legally in your country, but pain killers are 100 dollar/per day addictions. My ex had over 50 grand a year of unexplained cash withdrawals and he has depleted a lot of his IRA.
Are you protected financially? Would remaining married to him make you a partner in any debt he might have?
I always thought my was a workaholic. He is a highly educated engineer. But with some financial discovery, I have found that he was not always at work, or leaving work at really weird hours to visit bad neighborhoods to withdraw 800 dollars in a few minutes. Really scary stuff that was kept a complete secret from me.
Intel is also important for your kids sake. Prior to finding out, I was pushing for him to see son more. Now I just want to figure out a way to keep son safe but also to allow him a relationship with his father. Not an easy balance.
Vanilla likes to say, "once you know, you cant unknow" There is a difference between addiction and mlc, although it seems to affect us LBS the same.
I kept questioning myself and put a lot of blame on myself for really minor things in a relationship (things that most normal people do not end a marriage over) knowing there was something beyond my control has changed my way of evaluating our relationship dynamics.
Were there any unusual habits that your husband had when you were together?
HI exquisite , thanks for the insight. I honestly have no idea. We have been in a long distance relation for a quite a while so his habits are a mystery to me. Which he seems to want to keep that way. The only way for me to know is to spy and hire someone which I don't think is a good idea. If he wants to share his life with us he is welcomed otherwise no need. Financially he lives in a different country I am not liable for anything he does. Well technically but if he is in trouble will I be able to get away. In my culture we stay completely financially separate. This has its ups and downs. Could he be addicted to painkillers maybe and maybe not. Could he be in a relation maybe maybe not. Could he be working his ass off maybe maybe not. No idea...I am wondering about the depression and withdrawal stage, how long should I expect that to be. Could he be in that .Would he ever wake up at least to talk and discuss like adults do. Is it silly to request proper closure rather than just completely letting go with no talk. I know it is me to decide. And I am not sure if life with him will be good I feel we need to talk and I know I don't want it forced. So for that most probably I need to wait until he is ready to talk. Does that sound lame? Weak? A question exquisite ... How did your relation changed after you knew that now?
Sorry my previous msg was for jujuB . My mistake exquisite.
Own it ...I love your confidence ... You are a very strong person.. And good hearted. It is weird to live in limbo land and be able to talk about it proudly . Thanks for the shot of confidence you spread arround.
Hi lana,
Great question.
My relationship changed because I now know he wasnt capable of the things that someone with an undiseased brain was. His brain chemistry is altered. I stopped taking it personally. He's empty. There's no real soul anymore. He cannot empathize or rationalize with another person. His priority had been totally different all this time from a normal man with a family. He is not going to just change. And if he does, it will be because he hit rock bottom and didn't die and even then, his priority will have to be recovery. And this will take a long time as he still has resources. And a very small percentage of them do recover. Most have relapses.
Someone told me that addicts can demonstrate sentiment at times. But it's not real love.
I see this so much. He would get teary eyed and act emotional. But did nothing to demonstrate a man that actually empathized or cared.
While i recognize that i had flaws, i realized there was absolutely nothing I could have done different. He would have just used anything he could about me to cover up what he was doing. And that is helping me to change how horribly I looked at myself after he left.
I believed him because i thought, "why else would a father walk away from his family. I must be a horrible person and wife. He wouldn't even accept apologies or my willingness to work on our marriage"
I never understood how he could be so different from the walkaways here. There was no affair thrown in my face, no temperature taking, no jealousy, or strong attachment to son. He just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to pay me as little support as possible and that was it.
Knowing is important for me. My eyes are open. I need to keep my son protected. He sees his dad, and that's important for my son, but I need to somehow figure out how to recognize when ex is spiraling down more.
It's scary and I don't know what to do, except accept it when he can't see son. I'm not sure if I should push for court drug testing. I was initially told by lawyer that court wouldn't do that based on my evidence. But now I am realizing my lawyer is really, really bad. And not sure if I want to do that either. I think son is safe with him for now. But who knows.
Financially, I know his child support will eventually dwindle down as well. So I need to keep that in mind as well.
Knowing was crucial for me.
Juju
Thanks for posting--not sure if you have your own thread
Alanon is a great place for support
there are live meetings and many other woman facing similar situations
meetings are all over the world
It is a very good idea to keep an wide eye on the addicted MLC
My XH almost fell asleep at the wheel with my 2 kids
keep posting
Juju,
I was raised by an addict and don't want to scare you but have to say you won't know if your son is safe because you aren't there. My dad would pick me up from school events out of his mind. It wasn't safe. I don't know where you live or the laws involved but would definitely get a new lawyer who can provide you with better info and fight for you and your son. In the mean time, can you talk to the school or other parents who can support you and keep an eye out? The biggest thing I learned from al anon was yo not be ashamed of my dad's addiction. It wasn't my fault. And when I could be open about it and it was no longer a secret, I got the support I needed.
Hello ... some update...
so I got the kids and they are having great time. Seeing their friends, shopping, outdoor activities and registered for a camp in July... so lots of fun . Unfortunately today is Father's Day and well although he does not have father day at his city he did not contact them for more than 3 weeks. Well for me 2 as he sent the authorization for travel.
I spoke to my mom and although they are so surprised with his passiveness she thinks time to request for divorce ... I just need to prepare the kids. And send him my request only and take it from there. I completely agree.. if I couldnot fux it for last 3 years then I guess I just need to rap and give up.
Well although I was planning not to contact but I decided why not ... I don't care what he thinks as I know where I am heading nothing to fix no more.. so I sent him a ms" today here us Father's Day ... I miss mine as I am sure you might miss yours... I wonder if my kids miss theirs" my kids know it is Canada day but they did not initiate contact with him and he rarely contact unless they do. Yesterday my elder was asking about where would she be studying her high school ... and whether we will be moving ever with him.. my uncertainly must have affected them .. time to fix that and make things clear I suppose.
Sorry it is not Canada day ... I meant Father's Day ...
By end of day I saw my youngest sent him a msg " happy Father's Day you are the best father ever'" then oldest wrote from both of them .. he replied thanking them and sending picture of his whereabouts for work . Haha ... maybe he feels good they still miss him... especially after my msg... anyway I don't regret sending him the msg earlier...
Lana,
I hope that you are making choices for what you want and not just giving in to the desire of those around you for this to be over for you. I know I get so much pressure from everywhere just to get it over with. I can't help but think I've lost sight of what I want in all of this because of that. I'd hate for you to do the same.
I'm glad he responded to the kids today. That's still the hardest part of this for me and I imagine for you too.
Thanks ownit ... I am not sure what I want for now... I guess mainly to be happy regardless he is with us or not... I am doing well with the kids...today we went to a music festival and had lots of fun ... it is funny but for the whole week I had two of my married friends complaining of the frustrations in their marriage ... I tried to cool them down ... I don't think I can deal with any demands from a partner anymore ... I am in control of my environment there might be no place for him any more... I guess this is limbo land... I know I am still in control but most probably I will react one day .. everyday pass by I feel more detached and less thinking of how he is feeling or wether he is upset or not.., in my opinion he is not worth waiting for no more .. but the kids are worth me standing up until their father is in a better shape.
Lana, I think when the time is right you will know with certainty. For my own sake, I have decided to worry about my H just as much as he worries about me.
Own it you are right ... I decided to take on the excersize of considering him gone and I have to care for my kids alone. I'll will try to do this for 3 months not that I am not doing it...... my problem my hormones keep going up and down so some times I feel so emotional and get impatient and feel sorry for putting my self in this situation and not strong enough to have a stand.
Well today I received an msg from him traveling in Asia and wishing me and kids a good holiday... well don't plan to make anything of it I relied thanking him and wishing him the same. Simple and short. In the old days I would have analyzed it and thought a lot about what to reply and how it will sound inviting... not any more I just plan to mirror and stay reserved. I want to stay on my excersize expecting that I am on my own now .
So had a good Saturday today . We went for a musical and planning to go for a music festival tomorrow.. life is what we make it I suppose.
Hello
It has been quite active this week. It was my birthday last week. I did not expect anything this time for I got disappointed too many times. Well got a msg only of happy birthday and msg said" young lady to stay beautiful forever" no idea what does that means . Anyway I treated him same as everyone who wished me happy birthday saying thanks appreciate the nice wishes . That is it.pathetic I know but I didnot expect anything more.
Last week my younger asked him if they can talk next day so they set a time for next day. Kids were in the mall appently they sat for 40 minutes sent him a msg but he did not call and neither did they. I was pissed off when they told me but they seemed so ok with it ... seems they were playing around and her phone was low battery then it died. Next day he sent a msg to them asking if they are fine so they replied lightly that they sent a msg but phone was low and that is it. Nothing that they waited for 40 min so I didnot stress on anything. In normal occasions I would have given him a peace of my mind but we all let it go... as if he is not important . We never discussed it.
I was reading a blog and the poster advised that lbs have only two options stand or walk away and not to help or initiate any divorce actions . It is so weird but lately I got to know three of my friends who are officially sepersted but not divorced . It is so weird when you are oregnant you feel too many people are pregnant too and now when I am separated feels a lot of people are too.. seems contagious ...
I don't see myself living with him no more.but will wait to focus logistics one day when he is ready to talk... I am not planning to make his life easier for him.
Lana,
Happy birthday. I'm glad he acknowledged your birthday. It's too bad he stood up the kids, but you can't manage that relationship. I felt so much anger when mine did that recently, which is odd, because it is exactly what I expect of him.
Glad to see that you are handling limbo better than I and that the separation label is not bothering you any more.
At some point he will want to discuss it.
Happy Belated Birthday. I hope you did something extra special for yourself.
Hello... thanks for your wishes actually I had a great Birthday and I was so impressed with my self as I enjoyed it a lot without expecting anything from anyone but everyone called or sent there wishes. Kids were nice and I later went out with friends for a musical.
Doing some shopping these days especially for the girls they grow so fast. God bless them. Planned by camping trip next week and hopefully some water activities during our stay. I also talked to my boss regarding the option of working from back home again. I am hoping they will reconsider . It would be great. Let's see. Planning to travel back in August so if that worked it would be the best scenario .
Own how are you doing? Your D must have traveled by now...
I am managing well but I get days where I get emotional mainly I think due to hormone fluctuating ... so far so good ... you will hear me in my desperate days . But hopefully they will become less frequent .. when sometime I recall what I have gone through and how some days I cried to sleep or prayed all night I realize that everything shall pass and we will be alright .
Hello...time for some update..
Things have been great. Been spending good time with my friends and the kids, having time to attend some shows and planning more the coming weeks. I feel relaxed doing what I want to do with the kids. somehow not having these emotional outburst I used to.(feeling bad for my situation)I am doing what I want to do meeting who I want to meet and enjoying who I want to.
So on my birthday I got a msg as I earlier wrote replied with a thank you msg only. This week too was my eldest daughter's birthday (his favorite) and for last three years he has not send her anything other than a msg. This time he was generous and was planning to buy her an apple watch. (I know interesting) actually I was happy he thought at last about his kids although was scared he will get something for the eldest and then forget the birthday of the youngest as he did before.
Funny enough my daughter did not want the watch and did not want to tell him. I think she was thinking I will jump and let him know and I decided not to interfere. in a way I wanted her to accept the gift graciously and say thank you as we learned that when someone gives a gift you should not be rude but on the other way that is her father and although his intentions are good his execution is off. he could have asked her what she wanted or even contact me to asks but of course he did not and well she feels bad to spend all the money on something she will not use...
it took her 48 hours before she replied to his msg. he did not call her all of this on msg. can you believe that he did not even call his own daughter on her birthday and want to buy an apple watch. maybe it did cross her mind...don't know but I did not stress on that. his call . Now my attitude is as long as the kids are safe they should be able to handle it. I am not there to protect him and I know they will be able to deal with him.
Anyway she told him she has no idea what she wants and they decided to discuss it later tomorrow...but regardless I think this must have been a hard lesson for him to know we are not waiting for his charity we are good on our own and kids are managing well. throwing money for gifts is not getting him anyway.
Own - last question on your thread -you asked me what would I do. I thought I will write it her. I did that exercise and realized everything I want to do I can do now. want to go out, enjoy my friends, cook meals, have fund with he kids, sit on the couch and read with no interruptions, travel . hike with meetup groups. so I started doing them and it is not bad at all. I don't miss the tension I had, I don't miss waiting for him to come for hours, I don't miss trying to make him feel good about himself. I don't miss going out with his friends or going to a wedding and have to stand by him as he has no one he knows.
if I want to hike I can, if I want to travel I can, yes money is restricted but we can do things with less money and enjoy and have the same fun.
I might miss intimacy, but at the moment I am not ready yet to start a relationship regardless single or married so when it come I might push for D but I don't have to now.
I realized my major issue is ignoring me as if I don't exists and this irritated me and he knows that. The more I complain about it the more he does that. with detaching completely I am giving him his own medicine and I know he also does not like it. let him decide what he wants for himself as we are moving on with our life with out him and if he want to send us a msg from time to time or a gift well that is nice but it will not affect us no more.
My eldest asked if we are going to see him this summer so I told her it is his decision and if she wants she can discuss it with him.(I know it is sad but you cant force someone to see you)
Anyway that is how I feel I feel good and in control of my own activities and a lot good things are yet to come.
I would like to share an ancient story
Once upon a time a king asked his minster why his servant is so happy although he owns nothing while the king is always sad and depressed? the minister said try the 99 rule with him and you will find out. So the king asked what is the 99 rule? The minister said put a bag of 99 dollars on his door and write him a note saying this 100 dollars are a gift for you ? Then wait and see.
and so he did and the servant got the money but when he count it he found it missing one dollar so he started looking for it and made everyone in his family look for that missing dollar, he was grumpy, angry frustrated and did not know how to sleep that night.
So next day the king saw him depressed and frustrated so he knew the meaning of the 99 rule, we forget the 99 blessing that were given to us and we sometimes focus on the one we are missing. Moral of the story we need to focus on what we have and let go of what we don't have. it might come later on , it might not, or a better thing might be written for us.
I liked the story and thought would like to share it here.
Thank you for the reminder Lana.
Lana, you too I guess are learning the lesson of not waiting anymore for your happiness to begin.
Own I am big time. Actually my biggest fear now is that it might be worse if he comes back broken and still undecided or confused... so now I am in control of my day and destiny ...so I see today is good , maybe if he turns back it will not so why live for something now sure and waste today .
I love this prabale! Thank you for sharing.
HI, so I have been busy lately. Will be finishing my job shortly and going back home along with the kids. I am ensuring we enjoy every minute of it. Last weeken was lots of fun we went hiking and tree treking and zip lining, a beautiful experience although I did chicken out in the beginning but when kids done I guess I could not. Amazing feeling. We went with a group of friends. Me and kids had to tried with one guywho I recently was introduced to. He is a real gentleman and was engaging and took care of the kids and tried to make them laugh. It was a very weird feeling for me as I knew I am not ready yet to even think of anyone yet nor would want to . I was a bit distant and didnot want to give the wrong impression. Unfortunately he is divorced and was very much hurt by his wife when she kicked him out. Not sure why . It seems he doesnot know and is so much hurt why she destroyed his life. His relationship with her is nonexistent and unfortunately the kids were involved . To me he seems decent loving his kids and his old life very much spiritual and tries to help anyone he can.
At I think it was a great outing we had fun and I got some confidence that I am standing where I want to be.
Well we have not heard from H since his last interaction withD for the gift. Not that he contacted her later. Maybe got hurt she refused his gift maybe not...have no idea... No need to think or speculate what he is thinking of not thinking.i don't want to return to that part.
Great news! Sounds like you guys are doing really well.
Hello
So last week was also lots of fun ... we went to music festival and we're also doing some last minute shopping before we travel back. No word from H . Except avmsg of him changing his phone number.
I am not sure why he keep doing . Some times he had been Kate on paying bills or then splitting business from personal and so on. U think sometimes he is doing it for other reasons but you never know.
Kids having fun on on multiple occasions asked if we will be going to see him before summer ends. Last summer I took them to his town and rented a place for 10 days. Don't think I can do that this year if he does not chip in. I changed the subject on every occasion saying it depends on him and his schedule.
Unfortunately they don't want to ask him or pressure him I think. They think their dad is going through depression and extremely stressed out. They think I am the stronger parent.
Well this is extremely strange how can he says he loves them then completely cut them as if they don't exists .
I now rarely think of him. Feel sad for whatever he is going through for I do believe it is unnatural and there is no way he can be happy this way completely ignoring us. Maybe I am naive and maybe he has that peace with himself but I somehow don't believe that.
I wonder if he ever will wake up or have the courage to face his doings one day fir his and kids sake. I don't see my self with him no more. And I don't see myself with any other person yet . Don't think I am comfortable with that either.
Lana, your patience is extraordinary. You have obviously passed that compassion on to your girls. I'm so thrilled to hear you guys are having such a nice summer!
Hello
It has been arround a month since my last post . Unfortunately I lost my grandma this month. She was an symbol of how anyone should live. Whenever she felt we are distressed her motto would be throw it behind your back and keep moving. Don't look back and decide what is better for you and your kids... I love her influence on me and my kids life. She was an elegant lady who took care of herself and you would never found her untidy. Till her last days she took care of her looks, hair was always dyed. Clothes were always elegant and cheerful . Had a beautiful scarf that gave her grace. Basically a very well rounded woman whose life was full of life lessons for all her kids, grand kids and great grand kids.
I have not heard anything from H since I came back but when she passed away I didnot know whether to let him know or not.in a way I know he will not be if any support but if I don't say I give him an excuse to say he didnot know. On the other hand I know I would do what is right and I give him the choice to do the right thing or not. Hence sent him a msg saying that she passed. . He usually replies on msg but never initiate any. So he did this time saying he is sorry and sending his condolence and would try to call. And had some struggles. So I asked what struggles and what does he mean by try. His response was he feels like a door salesman as he is on the move from one place to the other , he is having health struggles with his back nothing can't be managed according to him . I left it at that gave him my mom number if he would like to send his condolences directly. Of course he didnot.
A week later I felt a bit emotional and sent another msg saying it seems he had his own life Let's talk to decide how to move things forward. Of course no answer . In the meantime my eldest sent him a msg of whether they will see him this year since they last seen hima year ago and during the year they spoke to him maybe arround 4 times in total. He replied that he is traveling now but once he gets back will have to apply for a visa and come over. "Same thing he is been telling me since last year but never applied nor came".
Ownit you ask me how can I be so patient with him. Honestly speaking I think I have no option. I can ask for divorce now but what is my gain, nothing will change in my life. It will not make him a better father. He will not ask more about his kids.
The only thing I can do is I can date but then again I am not thinking about that now... I am living my life the way I want going out and having fun. and if I end up liking someone I can always request D .
I focus now on my self first and the kids second. I believe as long as I am satisfied and happy kids reads those vibes and this gives them the feeling of security. I don't believe that a place, a school or any external thing can bring us happiness . Enhanced surrounding can help but they are not the solution . That is why I am not fixated on these things.
I live week by week . Little planning but completely not as before . Not a fixer nor as planner but always try to do what I think is right for me . Now how others decide to respond it is up to them.
Life is too short and I guess we all have our choices and I choose to be happy and enjoy my life with my family and kids. And honestly don't need anyone who does not want to be arround us for whatever reasons.
Death is an amazing lesson of how trivial life is and how we only have now to live, laugh and be happy.
I don't intend to make this a depressing thought but I felt I have completely detached from h and dont have any expectations again. He might ask about his kids he might not . He might want to see them one day he might not that is his loss. Maybe we are spared from seeing something that will even hurt us more.
My sincere condolences on the loss of the grandmother. She sounds like she was a wonderful and very wise woman.
As for your H, pressing him for answers is providing to be the same old thing...crickets. He tells you that he's going to do something and he doesn't follow thru. Typical of a person suffering from depression/mlc. His focus at the moment is on himself and what will make him feel better, i.e., be it traveling or sitting in a dark room. His empathy chip is broken and his words don't match his actions.
I'm so sorry he's not being more forthcoming. I do think you have the right attitude about living your life and enjoy it w/your family and friends.
Again, I am so sorry about your grandmother.
Lana, my condolences on the passing of your grandmother, she sounds like a special lady and a great influence on you and your girls.
I do admire your patience. I think this is something I need to learn for myself. I'm trying every day. I've tried in vain to move my own situation forward. Now I'm embracing my lack of control and my own need to live in the moment, focusing on my happiness and that of my kids. Thank you for the reminders in your post.
I agree with you. I don't want anyone in my life who chooses not to be there. I think my children have learned this lesson, and it sounds like yours have as well.
Hope the rest of your life and your job are going well.
Thanks Job and Own for your condolences ... I believe we were lucky to have her in our life...
I have a question and hope you can tell me what is the best action . Next week is my younger daughter's birthday and in the past her Dad did forget to send her a msg. Not sure this time. Two years ago I send him an email to remind him end of day and he sent her email and balloons next day. Last year I think he sent her a msg.
So what do you think is the best action. I just don't want her to feel bad that he again forgot her birthday while he never forgot her Sister's ( his favourite) this time he even offered her a I watch which she refused and then got nothing... so the issue would he remember? Should I remind him? When and what is the best way? I only care about how my daughter feels about being ignored if he will... I was thinking of waiting till end of day and send a birthday picture on the group chat. Or send a msg saying today is D2 birthday ... any suggestions ?
I know he does not deserve a reminder but my daughter does...
I think I would send a quick posting and ask if he forgot that today was your D's birthday. Then leave it at that and see what happens.
Thanks Job... I did send a msg in the morning today but he still did not open it... actually the whole WhatsApp has not been opened since Tuesday night... unlike him ... it did happen few times before he was traveling. ... now I know how my mind thinks what if he does not open it ... is he ok or sick .. what if he is in a hospital .... but anyway nothing is in my hand if he doesn't want to be found his bad . I need to stick to my plan and consider him gone ...
The other day talking to a friend who knows about my vanish h . So I said that my ego hurts sometimes knowing that he really totally ignore me and the kids . Sometimes I decided time to get D and apply for some kind of support but this needs more money since we are in two different countries and even if I get the D what about the kids they can't d their dad ...what a mess and what a messed up dad they have... how could I ever married this irresponsible man... how would anyone know that in 15 years some who seems good can be that disaster...
Anyway switching to my plan for the rest of the evening ... planning a small party for my d .. got her some chocolates to take to school and share with her friends ... I really hope she feels good and enjoy the day...
Lana, maybe I am alone in this, but at a minimum I would love to see you file for some child support. There is patience, and then there is just taking care of business. That would be a good monthly reminder to him that he has children that need him in their lives.
Hi Own ... you are not alone in this everyone arround a me think the same or at least my brother Tells me to keep the receipts especially schools as my kids are going to private schools ... but I always had an issue with money ... I don't want our problems to be diverted to money issues... he earlier in our life excused me if only caring about money me and his mom and if he makes enough money he will give it to us and hemce everyone is happy... most of our problems were money rested cause he really didnot care about it and would spend what he has on us without thoughts or planning....
On the other hand i have mixed feelings about him ... I don't want the money with such treatment ... on the other hand I don't live in the states ... hence our laws are tedious and he is in a different country ... hiring lawyers is an issue... I only think about it when I am mad and feel used and abused but when I calm down I know this is not me... and I don't want to play the money game... I know God has been so genourous with me sending me money from different streams all the time... for the last four years I have been completely financially responsible for my kids...
I know what your are thinking and will leave that option to the day i see no other option but asking I am able I don't want my issue with him to become financial ...he is what he is ...but for selfish reasons I feel I am better than him...
I know it is time for me to look for a job here .. would take a while as the market is slow... but hoping for the best...
Ok here is the update sent him text and an empty email saying today is d2 bd ... he didnot get what's app ... I guess phone might be not working but I guess saw the empty mail... so he sent her wishes saying a cool gift on the way... not expecting much but at least he did acknowledge ...he used a European number I guess working or having some fun in Europe ...
Hello ... kids came from school and we did a great cake for her... was so excited and ate all the surrounding chocolate ... planning to celebrate in the evening... she got her msg from her dad .. seems happy and write him a short msg thanking him and love him a lot ...
thank God this passed easy without her thinking of anything or wondering why he never calls ... I was so afraid that she will feel bad but I guess just seeing he remembered was enough for her... thank God I was blessed with great kids who unfortunately had a terrible father but somehow were oblivious to his short comings ... or at least they don't keep thinking of what they are missing...
I do believe that God put us in situations but somehow we end up gaining something from these circumstances... and I believe my relationship with my kids is much better now than before...my relationship with myself and my wants is also much better... I was earlier trying to please everyone now I don't care as long as I know I am doing the right thing and not hurting anyone ....
So overall this day seems good ...
Hello here is some update... not sure if I should have broken the NC.
Well my younger daughter and due to the msg she got from her father was expecting a gift some day so she asked me if I checked the mail twice this week and childlessly was convinced mail system is slow or lousy. Today I was a bit edgy should I share this.. how selfish of a father to promise a gift and not deliever even after 10 days and I am sure he has no intentions to do that..the same treatment he gives me he gives to his girls...
I honestly can't understand how can a loving father be so selfish irresponsible cold hearted person. I was thinking of buying something in his name but I knew she would thank him and then she would know it is not from him. So I sent him a msg saying D2 is convince her gift is stuck in mail.. should I get her something or u prefer if I don't interfere. Surptisingly he replied back gift is not stuck just a bit delayed. Then seems he went to look for something on amazon and send her a msg couple of hours later gift is Late in delivery by amazon ...
anyway I did not reply nor did she. I don't think I will reply saying what thank you for responding to my msg. Or thank you for not breaking my daughter's emotions ... whatever I reply is not sincere although I am hopeful that he will send her a gift. Not that she needs anything except to know that she has a father. These two kids break my heart . I can't deny I am angry at my self to have chosen this guy...
Should I have sent the msg... I know what is done is done... now he will send the gift a feel great that he did... usual when he does a small gesture after being asked.
Lana,
You did what you thought was right, i.e., your child is waiting there in anticipation of a gift from her father. You put the ball right back into his court and he had to "man up" and order something from Amazon.
Hopefully, she will get her gift this week.
Thank you Job for your reply...sometimes I get confused whether I am creating a reason to contact him or not. Then I think even so as long as I can leave my expectations it is fine.... although it is very difficult... my daughter asked me if it was me who told him... can you believe that I ....his msg was " the birdie told me you still have not received your gift" so she was convinced it is me...these girls I guess knows I will do anything for them.
Thank goodness we have no major events till end of year so expecting no major contacts needed. Will try to focus on my paper only and let him be...
To be honest sometimes I get jealous from others who have a fight or a spew at least you can tell that you matter to fight with at least the lbs tried to contact the family even with a twisted mind of blaming them for his misery. At least he keeps temp checking. This gives you the determination to fight back and decide if this life is worth it.
In my case I feel things are cold. He never initiate a msg . No calls since year back. Nothing ... no spewing no blaming ... only first couple of months . now he blames himself only and know it is his faults... but so far as of on a different planets... does not blame anyone but him on his faults but does nothing about it.
He doesnot say he has another life still immersed in work according to him... I wonder what does that mean... he says he loves the kids and he has direct numbers he can msg them... do what stops him from doing that... they are always responsive... they never blamed him and always responded to his msg...they never asked why he doesnot see them or contact...
I wonder how does he justify this in his mind...
just some thoughts...
You shouldn't envy us Lana.
The mlcer who spew does not only attact the lbs, they will spew at anyone who does not support their choices which is why a brand NEW set of friends emerge. They do not know the old persona of the mlcer and will beleive this re- written history and lies he tells..
In a way, i envy you. I often wished my xh would have left us completely and moved far away from us instead of threating us like ?? I can' t find a word to describe it. UN-HUMAN, PURE CRUELTY (for 3 years straight).
Over 8 years as past and, to this day, i have episodes of anxiety when in contact with him..
Hello exquisite...
I know you are right and in someway I should see the blessings that he is of bothering me or the kids.
In some cases I know the kids are doing fine because they don't see his side...but sometimes I just want to know is he really working hard as he claims or just having the time of his life... am I stupid to stand for the marriage... just want to know does he has someone in his life or not... I don't know who to ask without embarrisg my self ...
sometimes I want to fight with him so that I can get angry and leave for good ... as if I am looking for the motive to completely drop the rope and move on ...
Although I am doing well and enjoying my time with my mom and my kids... I don't think a lot about him no more but I would like to know where is he in his journey ... if still in reply I want to quit... does that make sense...
I am greatful for the journey as I learned a lot from it ... I am a stronger person now and have a great relation with my kids due to the fact I had to look inside and be the better parents but I feel I am getting ready to move on now without him if he is still stuck in mlc
Exquisite... I am very sorry you had to go through this in humane Curlty.. for last two days I kept imaging how this have affected you and kids and how stupid of me to even think spewing is better...
I still don't understand how someone could be so selfish to hurt his family this way...
I guess no I don't wish that... I just want some interaction to decide my next step...
I hear you, i understand.
Knowing what you do not know would help you get a sense of direction.
May i ask how long he has been gone for?
As he ever talked of returning home?
A job is just a job... they are everywhere.. a family, on the other hand??
Hello exquisite .... thanks for your reply.. this has been going for 3.5 years now ... but till now he didnot initiate any talk about D.
We have not seen him since last September when I flew to him and took the girls... he has been depressed on painkillers and extremely tight with a high loan payments to bank.
He has been saying he want to visit and working on visa but it is more talk than action. He said he wants to talk about us but that was in march and nothing more. The only thing I know he has major back pain and should be going under survey which he is postponing. Taking high medication. Has large loan.
Anyway today I sent him a msg say... hello hope you are well. We need to talk about the kids emotional and financial support . I prefer to have it face to face so if you can come over or I travel over for one day. If it is difficult I can ask my brother to discuss it with him. Then I followed with a msg if he is still struggling health wise or financial I to let me know and suggest a better time.
I feel good about it and even if he thinks that we only need money that is fine... I don't care how he decide to explain it .. I don't think I am loosing anything now as anyway everything has been lost long time ago.
I know he read the msg... not expecting anything yet ... will give it a week to see.
Initially I wrote several msg and deleted them mainly trying to be nice but want conclusion in another I suggested to talk about D, custody and financial support. In another I wanted to let him know what my younger kid thinks and how affected of the situation she is. As a matter of fact I initiated this cause I feel now she is mixed up expecting us to live back together soon and asking me why I am not trying harder to keep contact with him... in her mind she thinks he is working so hard for us...I was afraid that she get her expectations high . I think you need to make a decision and be clear for all.
I know I am I'll gain nothing but also I will loose nothing since everything was lost. This time my msg had no emotions. No introductory or ending... no validations. Nada... just business . Time to talk about the kids... and this is the first thing me I introduce my brother to talk on my behalf hence shows I am not looking for recon. Even me traveling I suggested for a day to have face to face discussion ... I didnot mention D in my email but I think it is embedded... let's see what he replies... if he does...
The question is what if he does not reply? What is next? Lawyers is not an option at the moment as I am not sure if he has anything or not. Plus it might complicate things further and I honestly do not have cash to waste it on lawyers.
Should I talk to his mom. Although he cares for her but I don't think he is on great terms plus her health is not that great.
I don't know anyone at his office too. All his old friends were replaced.
The max I can get from here is get D through our court system. But to get proper custody, or finiancial I have to do that in the country he resides in ...at the moment I guess not feasible. And I know he will not do anything .
Today I received a wedding card invitation and it was in my maiden name without him... I guess people know we are not together no more although I never announced it.
I donor regret sending my message as I want to stir the pot to crest some movement at the moment in any direction.
I would not speak to his mother about the situation. She can't do a thing w/him, i.e., especially talk to him about the situation. It could very well make things worse than they already are. I wouldn't involved anyone else in the mix except a lawyer at some point. It's best to keep your situation between you and your spouse.
If he doesn't respond in a week, you will then need to make some decisions on how best to move forward. It may be that he needs to think a while on what you posted to him...you can't rush an MLCer when it comes to wanting a response quickly. They do tend to move at their own pace, which is slow...unless it is something that will benefit them. I'm not making excuses, but you have to remember...he's not the man you knew, therefore, he may not respond or even respond the way that you want him to. Dig deeper for patience and sit a bit.
Hello Job
Thanks for your response , I read it then but was trying to dig deeper for patience advised. I understand I can't rush him but it is so frustrating ... I wish he just say something . At last my kid got her gift ... he didnot order it when he told us... it took him 10 more days to order it... I really can't understand how would anyone do this to any kid not his own.. she is only 10 years old . So it came nice art sketching kit... and it made her happy. I sent him a that you note not expecting a response of course .
But there have been changes last two week, I got more detached
, I rarely think of him and have no expectation. Started looking for a full time job. Maybe I have now the feeling me and the kids are now on our own and he does not want to be in our life no more. So might as well try to get my self back in track. It has been a busy week. I approached couple of companies and also gave a consulting offer to a company on road which will need some travel. I have some interviews lined up. The market here is not the best but I feel something good will come.
On personal level I started learning bridge. It is a very difficult game but I always loved cards so might as well learn bridge. I really enjoy it and keeps me busy.
I still have my part time thing along with spending time with friends and family .
Last week I went out with a friend I ave not seen for last 15 years. She worked in lots of places and was very successful in her career . When she asked me about my life it felt natural to say in general it was very good.i said had good marriage until things fell sport now for financial reasons . At the moment marriage is on halt and I am ok either way it goes. I was so strong and was impressed by me since now I am not scarred to say it is in limbo .
I will not talk to his mom nor friends , I just want to move on with my life again.
Journaling
Today I woke up my younger daughter was sad ... I got an offer out of state and was planning to do a visit ... I didnot decide on anything but trying to increase my network in order to get something ... so I am planning to travel two days end of this week for a chat with the CFO... and will pass by my old employer too ...
anyway my daughter was sad and said it is not fair that my dad and Mom will be traveling...
I know so sad ...she broke my heart , I am still looking for jobs her but keeping all options open especially if I get a consulting job. I know nothing is worth one day away from them and I was about to cancel but decided to go ahead and will decide later. Even for my own self confidence it might be good.
So she opened the subject of her dad and said anyway you don’t talk to each other might as well get a D then started crying.... I know she loved him and missing him a lot.
I talked to her hugged her and told her her dad having some issues with his work although he loves you a lot and you know that. Then she asked if I will be d him and I told her that I currently will not ask for D. This calmed her down. Then she said it is ok for me to travel...
The rest of the day went well. But I sent him a msg that I will be traveling three days and kids will stay with mom. I know he will not answer and not expecting any. I’ll try just to do what is right and up to him to decide he wants to contact them or not.
I am happy to go for three days... so many of my friends who I didnot see in 5 years I will see...I am sure it will be fun ...I hope my D will also be ok she told me to promise I will skype her daily which I always do while traveling .
Lana,
I've been thinking about this situation since I read your post. I keep coming back to the same concern. I am wondering if your efforts to shield the girls from the of your situation is in fact causing them more harm, or delaying the grief that they may feel over the situation.
I know for my own kids that the years I tried to keep him in the home for their benefit did more harm than good. I'm not going to lie, the past year and a half (when we were both finally honest about was going on) was completely horrible for both of them. They have suffered emotionally, physically, and scholastically. But, I can tell you that they are emerging from the wreckage of that discovery as stronger, more independent, and realistic kids.
I think you keep reaching out to him and trying to get him to be a dad, but he just isn't there. He isn't capable of stepping up right now. He may never be. I did the same thing. I told myself over and over again that a bad dad was better than no dad. They have both told me they are glad he is gone and they do not ever want him back. I also think I may have subconsciously used the kids as an excuse to pursue him or persuade him to stick around. I hope that isn't the case.
Hello Own ... what you are saying might be very possible...I wonder sometimes if I should have finished it long to me ago...they seldom expresss feeling towards him ... once maybe every two weeks ... but then again being their father they will always think of him and why did he leave them... sometimes I think the older they getwould be better for them...... it is a pity I myself had a great father and I know how proud I was of him. My h too has a good father who he spoke highly of. I feel very sad my kids can’t have that...maybe I am just being hopeful one day he will ...
So I traveled to my job interview and it was great... interview was great, it boosted my moral of finding something in the region. I think there will be a second round but seems promising especially that they are considering my option of part time.
I had great time during my travel connected with lots of friends in two days... I feel exhausted...I also saw some of the people in my old job and it was great to reconnect although some has grown so old in last 5 years... waoo life gone so fast... everyone said I looked great younger and more fresh... great compliments to hear in my case but I also felt good.
I forgot to tell u he replied to my last msg .... got lucky I guess...but completely was not affected...”Hi there, I have not been ignoring messages but been bogged down with some issues. Nevertheless, have a safe trip. I am in xxxxx at the moment” so I replied “ ok thank you”
I don’t want to think about it it is not worth it... I got invited to a wedding of s friend in India for March and am looking forward for it...it is middle of the night ...need to go to sleep.... adios ...
Hello... no progress today lol last week when I decided I don’t need him in my life no more and ready for D. I checked my eldest D drawers and found a picture of me and him Polaroid. I think she keeps looking at it. So I decided I want to be a friend to hopefully guide him to his kids. As for a husbands I don’t see him fitting that position no more. I can see he is so much incapacitated that can’t even say a thing. I wonder how can a man like him have no voice to say what he wants . Why this passive aggressiveness.
So as a friend I sent an email saying I will resume sending emails about kids and up to him to choose whether to contact them or not. I said they miss him and think the best of him but got used to not having him arround. Then I started talking about my eldest School , Friends etc. Inviting him to communicate. Ended email as a friend.
Interesting he message them that day mainly with the elder as my youngest didnot participate ... but she was excited to chat with her dad. Next day I sent an email saying how excited she was and giving details about my youngest. He does it know the kids no more . Their grade, Friends, issues, teachers, interests. Giving him something to talk about as I think he is lost and have no one to help. Normally he would not listen to me but somehow this time he did.
Third and fourth day he didnot contact them and sent an email which was my honest point of view I was not angry as I expected this but there is no need not to tell me he truth . Hence he did surprisingly my kids did not respond for two days . I also sent him saying maybe they are afraid to get attached and he will abandon them again. I tried to really focus on the kids only nothing about me and just giving him the insight hopefully to have a relation . Last three days they have been msg daily . My youngest shared her English story and got feed bac. My eldest talked about physiques... well keeping my fingers crossed ...I plan to send him the kids during winter break but let’s see how this evolves.
I just hope they have a dad in their life and hope I can help him be better get dad. As to my life I can manage that on my own as I don’t need him in that department.
Maybe what I did is not right , maybe doing the same thing again and again but there is nothing to loose by trying to be kind to someone I think is in pain.
Lana,
There is no right or wrong way to deal w/someone in crisis. If you discover something that is working, then continue to do so. When something isn't working, chuck it.
I am glad to see that after your messages, he began to reach out to the children. Maybe he thought everyone was angry w/him, but you opened the door and allowed him to step over the threshold and enter into a "safe" place to communicate w/them.
Sometimes, we have to take a chance to see if they will nibble the crumbs that we offer. I think you did the right thing by reaching out as a "friend". If he knows/senses that you aren't expecting things of him, he just may reach out more and more as time moves along.
I'm very proud of you for taking this step...hopefully it will continue to pay off for your children and their father will want to spend more time w/them.
Thanks Job
That is what I thought of. Thanks a lot for your encouraging words. The thing is it sounds simple but the trick is how to be good with completely no expectations and without getting hurt if no response comes your way. Or you get the wrong response. I found out that my emotions kept going in my way. Feeling bad for myself or my kids . Or sometimes my ego of how I accept such a treatment. Feeling trapped.
The difference came when I decided I choose to stay and I need to treat him differently. He is not my H any more since he does not deal with us as if he feel like one. I also can’t and don’t want to force him to do anything but I still can say my opinion so why not to. Especially that he feels he has no voice and does not ask or request anything . And he is so stubborn will go for more than 6 month without getting a photo for his kids.
There is no way that is normal even if he has a great life.
So yesterday I was out he msg the kids they did not answer . That is fine he will need to understand they will need time and perseverance to also break what they feel even if they don’t talk about it.
Hi Lana, glad to see you back. I'm glad he's communicating with them. Too bad he can't quite manage to get there on his own. You have to do what works for you and what you feel right about. You and your kids are the ones who have to live with the consequences of your decisions. I hope you guys are doing well.
Thanks Own
Journaling ...
I think once I realized there is no relation no more. No h will come asking to be forgiven or none of these mature reconciliation or adult talk that we see in the movie. What is done is done and lots of men just forget about their kids and move on with new families. That is real life and most of divorces alienate one parent except the ones were both parents can talk and build a civilized relation not in my case.
The only way to build a relation is either he put the children first no matter what he hears from me or how I treat him. Knowing whatever he does he will disappoint me. Or I put the kids first and stop being affected by his actions and expect nothing... hence what ever he gives is fine just like a neighbour we would never ask them why didnot you call last night.
I continued my emails talking only about the kids. Their daily schedule. Any funny stuff. I donot mention my schedule not my feeling...nothing about me or my family. I think he is listening as he had been sending them daily msg and dropping some hints about his day at work. A lot still of unanswered question which we never ask him about. What is he doing there ? Why has he been so long out of his home? Did he move? Let him talk about it later when he feels good about that.
I am ok with the progress now ... leave it to him to try and maintain his relation with the kids . He was always a very private person who never shared anything with a friend . His relation with his brother and sisters and Mom is also nonexistent . I really hope he will get hold of his life once again I was lucky to have a family and lots of friends to support me and my kids.
Journaling ...
I am still sending my short emails giving info about the kids day although I skip some days when I have nothing to say. Today I sent him a family email not friendly one requesting he takes the kids for the winter vacation in January . I don’t know his status yet but will see if he will respond or ignore it.
I really wonder what is happening in his life. He tells the kids he loves them let’s see if he wants them.
He still sends the kids msg daily even goodnight sometimes. I just hope he opens up and start talking.
Hello ...
so I got a response after two weeks of emailing ... don’t worry not expecting much but hoping for progress on kids front. So here is the response
“⁩ hey friend.... got your email, I am sorting my living arrangement and will let you know very soon within the week for the girls. Would love to see them. Thank you for the emails. keep them coming, someone read them more than once”
I know this does not solve issues but I just want my kids to have a part time father if they can’t have full time. I do think he loves them but does not know how to do that.. I am not going to fix him that is his job I just will say what I think in a positive note and it is up to people to accept it or refuse it.
So he did msg with the kids for a while and shared some info but still a lot of things are vague.
On other note, I am really trying to get a job now I am applying everywhere got one interesting one. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Lana,
It breaks my heart to see your husband referring to you as "hey friend".
I know you want them to have a dad, but you can't want things for people that they don't want or can't deliver for themselves. Job always says when they want to get in touch with you, nothing will stop them. I believe that.
I hope the job you want comes through for you and that you guys have a beautiful holiday.
Hello own
You might be right but I feel I need to try.
It would be great if he wake up one day and decided he will do anything for his kids but the reality and what I see from stories on the board this does not happen often. It is easier for them to let go and start again... a new family and a new life.
What I think I am doing I am making it more difficult for him to forget the kids which you can see from my stitch he tend to do for months. He says he loves them but does not call them st all. Last call was in May when I travelled . Last time he saw him was a 15 months ago.
I don’t know if he still has his job or not ... just feel like he is lost. But he is communicating with the kids daily now since I started emails so for both of them that is good. He is reading my emails and that is also good. As to the hey friend , not being a martyr, but least of my worries at the moment things have been broken between us long time ago. Note that my emails are sent as hi friend . And signed by friend.
I might bewrong and should have left him to face all his Demons on his own. I am just giving him a small rope to the kids... he will still need to do the job and pull himself up if he wants to take it.
You might think he doesn’t deserve that, we might be so angry with them, we might wish they try harder and more sincere but the reality is they will never do it our way or what we dream of . I find it better to drop all expectation and live everyday on its own and make sure I try to make it a good day for me and everyone arround me.
Thanks a lot for challenging me it is good to stop and regroup . I know you are concerned I might be disappointed possibly... I always appreciate a feedback and sometimes you can see it better than I do being involved. Will keep you posted
Lana,
There is no right or wrong way to deal w/someone who is in crisis. What you have done in the way of messages as a friend, is working for you.
If we all go back and think of long ago, we started out as friends w/our spouses/companions and that's where the new relationship needs to start...as acquaintances and then on to being friends.
By being a friend, you've taken the pressure off of him to get him to return home and "shape up and be the man you were". You've allowed him the time and space to think and stay in touch w/his children. He can now do this w/o thinking that you are judging him in all areas. He feels "safe".
I think you've been doing a good job of keeping it together and also keeping your expectations at a low level. Continue to do what works in your situation and when something doesn't work, toss it aside and try something else. After all, there is no rule book on how to deal w/crisis people and each person needs to right their own manual for their own situation.
Lana - you've been an angel. I hope your amazing patience is rewarded - in more ways than one.
Job - you nailed it. If there was a 'like' button I would have pressed it a million times!
Thank you Job for your feedback, it really means a lot to me to hear it. Trying to take the high road , if it works that is great if not I guess I will feel bad about myself.
Being a friend is not easy I sometimes write an email to h then delete it thinking if he was s friend would I say that or not. The problem is How to really release expectation. Expectation to reply, expectation to be nice, expectation to ask about the kids . I know a lot of legitimate expectations but he is not there.i can see he just can’t . Still rebelling against control ...away I still send info every 2-3 days for info only. Let him decide what suits him.
Devvo ... thanks for visiting my stitch... I appreciate your feedback .., I know been very lucky with Jobs feedback and encouragement.
Lana...I get it. You are attempting to be the lighthouse.
Sometimes that's the best thing we can do to keep the family somewhat functioning as a unit, to provide peace of mind and a sense of security for our children, and to create the sense of family. Sometimes, as in my case (and it seems, in yours) the MLCer slowly starts to realize that their family is still there as a unit and that they are a) the odd man out b) welcome to join in at any time c) there is no pressure or expectation that they join in. This is hard and takes a lot of patience.
Our feelings about the matter are ours; our reactions and actions are as well. Emphasizing family and personal strength in a cr*ppy situation will make the situation better in the long run for the kids, but also for all of you. And those kids are looking to you to learn how to deal with adversity for that inevitable time (or times) that they will deal with it in their adult lives. Should they lash out? Divide people? Collapse in on themselves? Or carry on, move on, and continue living and growing? You are their model. What you are doing is showing them grace, strength, and the importance of family. Without angrily excluding someone due to personal pain. Hey, unconditional love is without conditions. We love our kids even when we dislike their behaviors; why is it different with a MLCer...the person we vowed to love unconditionally?
You are a lighthouse. Your entire family will see and know this. You will most likely know when your light no longer reaches him...and even then he may drift back around.
Dear ciluzen ..thanks for visiting my stitch and for the brilliant words you shared. I guess yes I am trying to be the light house in this case as with my H nothing else worked. Not sure if it would work but then again nothing in this world is certain.
When I started this journey I got a lot of sound advice but somehow when our emotions were high it is difficult to listen and put into practice. I think it take at least a year to get hold of ones emotions and start figuring how we want our next life to be like. Once we reach this acceptance stage that’s when things get better for us.
I was told need to be patient but that was such a difficult skill to obtain. I was told to take care of myself and not wait. I honestly failed so many times on my expectation that he will come and take care of me. I was told focus on your kids which I did but always were looking for his input or feedback. I was told to loose expectations which took a lot of time to master. Every birthday came I thought he will surprise me or the kids. None of that happened.
There are lots of great advices in the first email I got from job when I started my stitch and I keep going back to them sometimes to learn something I missed the first time.
In the beginning when I started email I was trying to think were these coming from Spence of strength or weakness. I tried to analyze and figure out my own motives. I am sure they are not weakness as I don’t beg or plead as a matter of fact I don’t even think I can be with him again and I stated that. I just wish him well and hope to have a good working relationship with him one day. When he is able to find his voice a speak.
Thanks ciluzen again for for nice works... really sppreciated.
Journaling ...
Last email sent was 4 days ago . He tried to connect shyly with them small short msgs but they did not answer. I guess sometimes they don’t know what to say. So my email today was mainly focused on my perspective and my analysis.
I understand he is trying but they sense he is still distant. They also don’t know what to expect and so they maybe trying without thinking to protect themselves from attaching to him and he might be doing the same. I said it might take time for both to decided what kind of relation they want. I asked him to think how does he want that and wether a yo yo relation is what he is looking for or a deeper one. I told him when he share places he visit it is really nice but kids don’t know how to reply as they don’t have that in common.
Let him think , I also attached an article on fear of intimicy saying this might explain kids actions although it can also explain his. ( I didnot say that) Maybe I should not have done that (attached the article) but it is ok to make mistakes sometimes... I don’t have the fear of consequences no more.
At the end I just said will keep sending you some updates maybe it will be of benefit for him and the kids .signed a friend .