Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: SBJ It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/12/17 10:32 AM
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2730809&page=1

Having to start a new thread. Have a great day!!!

Taking things one day at a time...
*God is good all the time!
*God has a plan for us all.
*What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
*Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. - Dale Carnegie

*So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:6)
Posted By: job Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/12/17 12:16 PM
I like your list!
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/13/17 09:53 AM
Just venting...
7am...In this wonderful holy week leading up to Easter and the resurrection of Jesus Christ, it seems that Satan is still at work on my W. I cannot believe that I have been in this thing for 9 months. It is funny how, in just the same amount of time it takes for God to develop life inside of a woman's womb, Satan can completely destroy a marriage if one of the parties allow him into their lives.

Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but it surely seems that he is at work on her 24/7 and she is relentless in wanting to have our marriage dissolved...as quickly as possible. I can only imagine that it is so she can get her OM's relationship out into the open.
>>>>>>>
8am...I was taking my kids to school this morning and the new song "Even If" by MercyMe came on. It is an awesome song, but brought me to tears this morning. We had already dropped off the youngest and I was driving to the oldest's school. She didn't say anything, but I know she noticed.

These lyrics got me...
"I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone"
>>>>>>>
9am...text from W asking why it is taking so long to redraft the D papers. Responded that they will be done when they are done.
>>>>>>>
10am...text from W asking if I wanted to do joint Easter Basket gifts with her...saying that I could come over to her place Sunday morning to give to the kids. I was busy and had not responded, so literally one minute later, she texted saying that I didn't have to, but she was just asking.
>>>>>>>>
1045am...call from SIL very frustrated with W and their working relationship. My life is falling apart with my W and I have to be a rock to my SIL who I have been big brother to for 25 years. Please God give me strength. She said that she is not ready to forgive my W for all she has done...while I understand that, I do know that they are blood and one of these days they will have to reconcile with one another.


No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13 New American Bible
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/13/17 04:22 PM
You are doing in a terrible situation. Unite your suffering with Christ's. O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, lead all souls to heaven, especially those in most need of thy mercy.
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/16/17 09:54 AM
Happy resurrection Sunday to all of you guys on here going thru this ultimate trial. I hope and pray that God gives you the strength and endurance to persevere this ultimate betrayal and trial. I also pray that God blanket our prodigal spouses with the Holy Spirit and guide them thru this trying time in his perfect timing.

>>>>
Journaling
Played golf yesterday morning with a close friend and then made an appearance at my MIL's Easter get together. It was difficult as my W didn't say but a few words to me and kind of stayed off away from where I was sitting. I sat outside and all of the sudden my FIL, SIL, and BIL all surrounded me and we were laughing and joking. I noticed at one point she just went inside to stay away from us.

At one point my FIL left, then my BIL/SIL left, so I decided to go say my goodbyes. I noticed that she was walking to the back of the house with her phone to her ear and shut herself in the back bedroom. I then told my kids goodbye and my MIl also. She never came out. I received a text later telling me sorry she didn't. Get to say goodbye, but she was on the phone with a mutual friend of ours.i call BS on that, but whatever.

My oldest and I met her and our two youngest for Mass this morning and while it feels odd at times, I am also at peace there with her at times. I hope and pray that He talks to her when we are there together.

I was invited to lunch at theFIL's today so I'm sure I will have more to share later...or maybe not.

God bless you all...
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/16/17 11:54 AM
SBJ, when I was at church this morning wondering if this was our last Easter as a family together, here was my prayer: Lord, please raise to life my dead marriage. Happy Easter.
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/17/17 07:37 AM
Originally Posted By: SBJ

I was invited to lunch at theFIL's today so I'm sure I will have more to share later...or maybe not.


Originally Posted By: Gordie

SBJ, when I was at church this morning wondering if this was our last Easter as a family together, here was my prayer: Lord, please raise to life my dead marriage. Happy Easter.


So here is the rest of the Sunday afternoon journaling. Ended up at lunch at the FIL's. My oldest and I beat the W there and got to visit with everyone before she arrived. Once she arrived you could tell there was some tension in the air, but not towards me. It was between the W and her sister. My W even came and sat down right beside me and complained that she is sick and tired of her sister treating her bad.I am assuming she is telling me this because I am usually her place to vent, but I shouldn't assume to know what is going thru her mind right now.

After lunch we all headed outside to enjoy the weather and watch all of the kids do the outside activities. I sat down in the grass with my cup of coffee to watch my kids and nieces and nephews play...and who plopped right down next to me. It was almost like old times. We ended up talking for 30-45 minutes...just the two of us. No relationship talk, but just talking about upcoming kid activities and summer things. Again, I can't help but feel something, but I know not to have any expectations. It was just refreshing since we haven't done that in over 9 months.

Yesterday was also the anniversary of the day that I was introduced to the OM for the first time. The day the EA began...in my mind anyway. I refuse to focus on him, because he is not important to me or helpful to me. I will continue to focus on me and my kids. I know that we are all children of God, but I do not have to focus my energy on someone that is not beneficial to me, my family, or my relationship with God.

Have a great week and stand tall and steadfast!

58 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be firm, steadfast, always fully devoted to the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. - 1 Corinthians 15:58
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/17/17 09:23 AM
Glad you were able to enjoy your Easter!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/17/17 05:03 PM
sounds like you had a lot of peace throughout the weekend and emotional support from your inlaws. Hang in there {{{{{SBJ}}}}}
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/18/17 10:24 AM
This is a true place of peace for so many. I have seen several people questioning their own self worth just today, and have seen others empathize with them and let them know that they are truly worthy people.

Much of what I have seen and read over the last 9 months says that even though we are caught in the storm, this MLC / separation / divorce isn't about us. It is all about them. We are not what they say we are...we are God's children and we are the ones that are trying to hold our families together.

Stay strong my friends. As we are finding, this road is very long, and at times, it is so dark that we cannot ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, remember that there is a light at the end of all of this. His timing is a perfect timing and there is something good that is in the works. Have faith, that even though you cannot see, something is at work for your good.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. - 2 Corinthians 5:7
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/19/17 09:43 AM
Tough couple of days with the W...she is still totally oblivious to the fact that divorce is a destruction of a family. Her statement of, "families don't get destroyed, they just get restructured" popped into my head again this morning. My attorney submitted our changes to the D paperwork she had sent to us. She is wanting to get the D over with so fast that she is agreeing to all of the changes and is basically willing to walk away with minimal cash (1/2 of the retirement accounts and 1/2 of the home equity). I'm not trying to cheat her out of anything, but I want to protect what we do have so that I can provide for my children...just in case she goes off the deep end. Who knows, she might cash out and blow it all...I'm not sure of anything anymore.

I know we aren't suppose to be paying attention to how they act or what they do, but I have so many interactions still with her it is hard not to. It is like she is the socialite/business owner/volunteer/mother of the year/church girl all wrapped up into one. The only thing that is missing is the role of W that she has played since 1994.

I have been getting hit hard the last couple of days with negative thoughts and have had to stop, pray, and redirect my thinking.

Hope everyone is heading in the right direction.
Posted By: Kyh Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/19/17 11:36 AM
Sorry you're having a tough couple days. My w used to say similar things to your w's statement. They have to justify themselves and since you can find whatever your looking for online they find psych papers, articles, etc to justify their thinking. I doubt anyone writing those is packing up their life once a week.

I too felt bad about w's monetary situation but she didn't leave me in a good place either and it's 100 percent her choice. Look out for yourself and kids first. Keep trying to stay positive!
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/21/17 08:14 PM
So tonight was a event for the D14 that parents and grands attend...my mother did not give the W the time of day. She said she couldn't stand the fake and hates what she is doing to me.

The W obviously took exception to that and pulled me aside to complain...I actually laughed because she thinks that everyone should be ok with her decision and be happy for her. I told her that mom would be one of the last to be ok with things. She really didn't understand.

I've been better this week and am still standing and praying for her, but things are becoming more obvious day by day.

Saw her interacting with daughter and her friends and the W was acting just like 15 year olds...except for looking 44 and dressing sexier...haha!!!

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Philippians 4:13New King James Version (NKJV)

13 I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.
Posted By: skm0619 Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/24/17 09:24 PM
Hey SBJ.....was reading some of your recent posts. I hope that these last couple of days have been better for you.

Even after all this time I do still find it hard to believe that the MLCer still doesn't understand the devastation they have caused, and how they think that everyone should be happy for them or be okay with the choices they are making.

I guess being able to justify their decisions plays a HUGE part in their life right now. Still so unbelievably selfish!!!

Hang in there my friend. One day at a time.
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/25/17 09:17 AM
Thanks skm...you are right about them not understanding about the devastation. My W thinks that everyone should be happy for her and that they should also be OK with her choices. We aren't talking about changing your hair color...we are talking about destroying your entire family that you have built and committed to for the last 20+ years. It is totally selfish, but we know that.

I pray that your peace continues to grow. I keep repeating the Prayer of Serenity because I need to continuously remind myself that there are some things that I cannot change. I am learning that I can change myself and I can grow in faith with my children. God is good...all the time!

Peace be with you!
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/30/17 06:28 AM
Nothing good nor bad to post, but thought I'd update. Spring cleaning and getting the house and yard ready for the summer. Contemplating selling my den furniture and putting in a bar and s pool table.

This week I have to send in the final approval to the pre-decree paperwork. I'm not looking forward to it, but I feel that once the D is finalized the truth will be revealed. I've tried to focus on my kids, myself and prayer. By doing that I've been in a good place...at least most of the time.

I watched the movie, "Stuck in Love" on somebody's recommendation. Good flick, but I feel like the main character at times. Probably most of us LBS's do.

Today is the day the Lord has made...God bless you all.
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/30/17 08:26 AM
SBJ, sending positive vibes your way. The d paperwork is a drag but unavoidable. How are you and the kids holding up? Will you have to move?
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 04/30/17 08:40 AM
For now we are staying put. I guess that lighthouse story is still in my head. I am making a few subtle changes to the house to make it what me and the kids want, but other than that my doors are all still cracked open. Kids seem to be holding up ok. No temper tantrums or acting out. They all know that is something that their mother wants or has to do and that dad will remain strong for them, and even for her if it ever comes to that.

Thanks for the positive vibes Gord...know that you are in my prayers daily and so is your W.

Philippians 4:13New King James Version (NKJV)

13 I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/01/17 04:33 AM
SBJ, you present yourself as a man of faith. How does your faith affect your relationship? Has your w changed her beliefs? She is still going to church but has obviously justified d to herself.
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/01/17 08:02 AM
Gordie, this trial has drawn me closer to God and strengthened my faith. It could have gone the other way and I could have succumbed to anger and hatred for the OM, but instead I feel pity and I am working on the forgiveness part of it all.

The sane parts of her family and mine have all said that they are totally confused as to her actions and say that she is acting like a teenager...go figure (MLC). My step-MIL came over this weekend and we talked for a while. She said that the W is acting like she did when her dad and step-mom started dating. Like a spoiled, angry, confused, little girl.

As for the W's faith...that is between her and God. I have speculated what I think or what I think that she should think, but I am getting to the understanding that that is not my place. I am not her judge or jury. I was her husband, partner, friend & lover, but she has fired me from that role. In Isaiah 33:22 it states that: For the Lord is our judge, the Lord is our lawgiver, the Lord is our king; he it is who will save us.

I sent the letter to the attorney to go forward with the decree paperwork and it breaks my heart, but it is one of those things that is out of my control. I will continue "MY" journey of improvement. I will continue to love myself and my children as much as I can. I will continue to love her from afar. I will continue to pray that His Will be done in our lives. I will continue to try and stay detached as she is making it easy. I will continue to be that darn lighthouse, because deep down, I know that she is worth it.

Below is a prayer that I have been praying for me as well as for all of us on here that are standing thru all of this:

Lord, I need You so much. My marriage is totally destroyed. Please speak to me so I can hear Your voice. Lord, I need Thee every hour. Help both me and my wife to forgive each other of how we have failed each other. Lord, please help breathe new life into our marriage. We need Your divine healing touch on changing both our hearts to rebuild our marriage and learn how to love and respect each other. Lord, breathe Agape and Eros love back into our marriage. Soften each of our hearts and rebuild our marriage on the solid rock of Jesus Christ.

Lord, show me the way I should go. I have so many problems. Which way do I turn, to the right or to the left? How do I help my children? How do I pay my bills? Do I need to move? Lord, please do not let me go on a detour road that will cause me delays and denials because of the tricks and schemes which are coming from the enemy and my flesh. Lord, speak loudly to my heart. I am seeking Your will and way in my life and in my marriage. Answer me quickly, Lord, as I am becoming weary. Thank You for being my spouse, Defender, Deliverer, Provider, Protector and Shepherd, showing me Your love as You guide and direct my footsteps in our marriage every day. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/02/17 10:33 AM
Thanks. That helps more than I can express
Posted By: roist Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/04/17 01:34 AM
I am sorry that sending that paperwork had such an effect on you. I understand why.

Let's look at that closer, is there another way to look at this. Your W has been straining to break free from you. If you had resisted signing or dragged it out she would have strained harder to get away. She seemed to be putting in a lot of energy to divorce you quick. Now that you have sent the paperwork the energy and focus she was using to pull away has been freed up.

Initially this could be euphoric for her as she has what she wants. But she is no longer fighting to get away from you. That was her battle. Now she can move on from viewing you as her battle opponent. That does not mean she will view you positively, but it takes away some of her strain and gives her the freedom to do so.

So sending this paperwork is just another change in your story.It is not an end.

As you have alluded maybe the D will allow a hidden OM surface. That would be tough but once she can stop focusing on getting away from a bad M, she will see that there are weeds too in her greener grass option. You cannot speed up how long it takes her to realise this. Your best bet regardless is to ensure you and your life are greener than ever before.

Best wishes
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/04/17 06:24 AM
Roist deserves a trophy. He sees the silver lining in everything.
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/04/17 07:08 AM
Originally Posted By: roist
I am sorry that sending that paperwork had such an effect on you. I understand why.

Let's look at that closer, is there another way to look at this. Your W has been straining to break free from you. If you had resisted signing or dragged it out she would have strained harder to get away. She seemed to be putting in a lot of energy to divorce you quick. Now that you have sent the paperwork the energy and focus she was using to pull away has been freed up.

Initially this could be euphoric for her as she has what she wants. But she is no longer fighting to get away from you. That was her battle. Now she can move on from viewing you as her battle opponent. That does not mean she will view you positively, but it takes away some of her strain and gives her the freedom to do so.

So sending this paperwork is just another change in your story.It is not an end.

As you have alluded maybe the D will allow a hidden OM surface. That would be tough but once she can stop focusing on getting away from a bad M, she will see that there are weeds too in her greener grass option. You cannot speed up how long it takes her to realise this. Your best bet regardless is to ensure you and your life are greener than ever before.

Best wishes

Roist...thanks for the positive spin. I have looked at it and believe that you are right. I have been fighting against it because I don't believe in it, but I don't have to believe in it. This is her thing that she has to do and yes...if my suspicions are correct there is a field of weeds around some brown grass in the other field, but it is cloaked in an illusion of green.

In the past 6 months she has only kind of argued with me when I disagreed with her on the D. Other than that our interaction has been friendly. I can't say that her interactions with my mother has been, but that is between them.

I truly appreciate your friendship and your perspective. You have been there before and have a wealth of knowledge to share with us that are still standing in the storm.

I am leaning on Isaiah 43: - God will carry you through the storm.


Originally Posted By: Gordie
Roist deserves a trophy. He sees the silver lining in everything.


Gordie you are correct. It is awesome to have so many on here that have an understanding of what we are going through as LBS's and also what our MLC'ers are going through because they have seen it before. It helps to keep us grounded in true reality.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/04/17 07:52 AM
Something about this thread touched me and I'll just pass on my thoughts.

I think learning to accept a severe blow to our hearts, & a huge change in our lives that we truly don't understand - - which we think/hope we don't deserve - yet must accept, is almost impossible.

So I look around at what people must accept, that they did not ask for or deserve. There are many.

I have a very close friend who lost her 22 y/o son 6 months ago. He played baseball but had an unknown heart defect. No symptoms till he died.

Another close friend in the same circle of friends, was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in December. She's in chemo right now as I write this. FWIW, She never smoked.

These women must accept these events...they did not cause them, and these are totally life altering events. One will never be the same and the other may die soon.

The grieving mother told me she feels like one of those fish who must move to ventilate their gills to breathe - b/c they will die if they are stationary. So I know to move forward, no matter what else.

I am working on accepting what is, and moving forward. (Not saying to file for D, which I had to do. I'm just speaking metaphorically and personally).

I no longer want to invest energy into understanding the WHY of this,

as I cannot fathom a "good" reason for it anyway.

And I know pain can be the touchstone for tremendous personal growth & faith.

This requires even more change on my end. That part of this ordeal is up to me.


Godspeed.
Posted By: skm0619 Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/04/17 09:58 PM
SBJ.....I'm sorry that you are having to deal with all of this.

I don't really have anything else to say that hasn't already been said. You know we are all here for you. You already know you can lean into us for support. I honestly don't know how I would have made it this far if it wasn't for this place.

I saw something the other day and it made me think of you...

"If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it"

I know it is hard for us to see, but for whatever reason we were meant to go through this difficult time. I know it has definitely taught me some very valuable lessons.

Your W is too busy in la la land right now, but remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. She will find that out in time, you will see.

One day at a time my friend.....
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/08/17 07:48 AM
WOW, what a difference a year makes. My D14 birthday is this week and we usually do a party by the pool for her. My daughter did not want to do anything big, so I told her that she could have a few girlfriends over and I'd cook for them while they hung out by the pool. My SIL/BIL came over with my nieces and the W's dad/step mom and my mom and step dad stopped by for a while.

My house has been the place that everyone always converged on to swim and get together. While I'm glad that they came by, I was kind of bummed, because my W has always been the center of the family get-togethers. She would put in a ton of effort to make sure that everyone was having fun and taken care of. All of that fell on my shoulders and it made me realize how much I relied on her in the past.

A marriage is a true partnership in every way. She and I complemented each other in most every way, yet this BS-MLC has taken her out of my life. I guess I am still in awe at how they can totally remove themselves from us.

My BIL had said that they saw the W earlier in the day and that she has changed in every way. He said that her eyes have changed and it is like you are looking at a totally different person. I had noticed her eyes before, but had not mentioned anything to him.

I tried to recreate something this weekend that the W was always a part of...while everyone had a good time, it was difficult for me. At times, I wish I was able to block her memory out like she has blocked me out. Maybe it would be easier to drop the rope and detach totally.

Have a great week...
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
5 But if any of you lacks wisdom,[a] he should ask God who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and he will be given it.-James 1:5New American Bible (NABRE)
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/08/17 04:30 PM
SBJ, I'm sorry that was so painful. Yes, she has shut you out but keep your head up and move ahead. You don't know what God has in store for you....or her. Struggling right alongside you!
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/11/17 09:08 AM
Thank you Gordie...

12 rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer - Romans 12:12New American Standard Bible (NASB)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Journaling / Venting:

Things are coming to a head between my W and her baby sister. They work together and have been distant to one another since the BD. My SIL/BIL don't agree with my W and think that she is being batchitcrazy, so they are getting in screaming matches at work now.

I now am totally separating myself from their relationship. Not my circus/not my monkeys.

Because of the most recent blow up...yesterday, my MIL called my oldest son asking him to go and speak to my FIL about how my W's sister is treating her. I was totally pissed, that my MIL (enabler) is now pulling my S19 into this BS. I talked to my S19 and D15 last night for the first time about all of this craziness. They said that they felt that my SIL was planting seeds in my head that were dividing me and their mother even more. I told them that their aunt had just vented to me about what was happening, but I let them know that I would stop talking to her if it had made them uncomfortable. They love their mother and she has still kept them in her life, so I don't want a wedge to go up between them. They love their aunt and uncle as well, but the division between them and their mother is straining their relationship.

While we didn't go into details that much, they understand that their mother is the one that walked out on our marriage. They believe that it is all their aunts fault that their mother and her are fighting. Other than her walking out on our M, they don't truly see what the W is doing or how she is acting...maybe that is a good thing. She is definitely good at playing the victim right now. It is everyone else's fault.

Sorry for venting, but I had to get it off of my chest.

As I was typing this, my SIL called me to tell me that she and my W were about to go to their counseling session...I was kind and simply said that I was praying for them both. I want my W back...true, but this roller coaster is getting old. I pray, that even if my W never comes back to me, I pray that she and her sister are able to reconcile their dysfunctional relationship.
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/11/17 09:40 AM
Yes not your circus nor your monkeys. I can understand why your kids support their mother vs aunt. Where are the kids living? Have they taken sides between you and your w?
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/11/17 10:55 AM
Gordie, my S19 lives with me full time and our youngest two split time between us...one week at a time. There aren't any sides, but they do know that this is something that mom wanted to do and that dad is against D. Obviously, I don't know what she tells them when they are with her, but I have to rely on my personal relationship with them to let them know how much I love them and will be there for them thru thick or thin.

I know that everyone has said that MLC is long, but this is getting really bumpy too. It's funny that in most marriage vows we say "for better or worse"...wow, if most people knew what that really means, would they truly say them?

I guess I am still having trouble detaching from her. My thoughts are...
If I drop the rope I am giving up on her.
I don't want my kids see me giving up on their mother.
I am trying to balance my thoughts on being abandoned by my W.

I'm cycling on all of my thoughts. I know I need to hit myself with a 2x4 and start living my life for me and my kids, but I am still in the missing her stage. Next week would have been 26 years together. I'm a sentimental fool I know.
Posted By: CaliGuy Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/11/17 02:46 PM
SBJ

I follow your thread along ... most times I think I restrain myself from posting just because I know where you are at in all this .. I was there too and speaking as the Ghost of Christmas future I know you have to hit the rocks sometimes to realize you are in the shallows .... no one can tell the captain how to navigate his own vessel so to speak.

MLCrs break ties with those who they fear would judge them for their newly validated (in their minds) actions. Your W seems to be pulling away not only from you but your SIL too. Mine did the same, to script in the order listed. Spouse first... relatives.. friends ... even the kids to a degree (I believe social stigma is the only reason some keep contact with kids but any LBS.Child of a MLCr will tell you its not the same).

Accept this ^^ its just the way they operate. You have no control over the relationship between your W and MIl, kids, MIL, FIL, the squirrel in the tree on 4th street. No control what-so-ever. In fact ... in the bigger picture the more you step away from this the better for you down the road. She will reconnect with the in-laws and it will be easier for her to do so with out any more individuals involved ... this is not your fight here, you have enough to deal with as it is.

As far as the rope, I could show you my hands and there would not be any finger prints left as the rope sanded them clean off. I would not say dropping the rope is giving up on her. I will say there is an important lesson about holding on and letting go .... MLC is surely a lesson about being dragged. Rather than holding onto the rope ... letting go of the rope ... try this. IGNORE the rope. That little sailboat without a sail is going to drift aimlessly for some time, sooner or later it will hit shore again. The real question is will you be a tired old man who has been wasting away waiting for his ship to return ... or will you have become a stronger man who simply can appreciate the arrival of the ship that came back?

Remember ... we all get 2 dates on our tombstone, the start date and the end date ... those numbers mean nothing, its the dash that counts ... make your dash count and worry about you and those kids for now ... let her drift for a bit, IGNORE the rope.
Posted By: peacetoday Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/11/17 03:07 PM
Hi

It is part of the grieving process
we let go a little then pull back
I think it takes usually about 2 years
You can continue practicing letting go
not easy to get from denial to acceptance and quite bumpy along the road

eventually we all get there- so maybe accept where you are

the ups and downs
wins and loses
all part of the same process
knowing you will get there
maybe to reconciliation or maybe complete acceptance
the
MLCers choices are out of our control
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/12/17 06:28 AM
Thank you Cali and peace...time does heal things, but it seems that sometimes things get drug back up that frustrates me and pulls me away from my peaceful feeling. I truly appreciate the advice and the guidance that you have shown me.

I have allowed my SIL to kind of pull me back in when I listen and validate her. My W has totally pulled away from me and so when the SIL talks about her, it kind of angers me two ways. One because she is talking negative about her and two because I cannot talk to or assist the W. This is her battle with the SIL and also a consequence of her actions in all of this. I have to at least let the rope out enough for them to handle it themselves. Or as Cali said...ignore the rope all together.

THX

7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all [a]comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Phillipians 4:7
Posted By: peacetoday Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/12/17 03:43 PM
maybe when you SIL talks negative about w
throw in a positive
I always find the person will stop talking when we switch it up to something like

Im sorry our struggling with W
I only want the best for W
gods got this
I trust all will work out for the highest good
I will pray for both of you

I would try to stay neutral but limit it if it affects you-

the negative person will usually have to stop
when we change the dynamics of the R
Posted By: roist Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/15/17 07:59 AM
Read "letter from a MLCer 2" thread. Gives another perspective on dropping that rope.

Best wishes
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/15/17 10:58 AM
Thanks roist...I do remember reading that a long while back, but it is funny how we forget thru all of this crazy.

Did dinner out with some friends of mine on Saturday night. It was actually nice to not talk about the W at all. The couple I had dinner with know everything about what is going on, so there was no need in saying anything. The quick dinner turned into 4+ hours and many drinks. Good night all in all.

Kind of a lonely Mother's Day. My mother was out of the state on a trip and all of my kids spent the day with the W. Although it was quiet, I was able to do alot of things that I needed to get done without any interruptions. Still have alot to do to get the yard and pool area totally ready for Summer, but I will be able to do some more a couple of nights this week.

I hope and pray that everyone has a great week.


Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. - Psalm 55:22
Posted By: FightOn Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/15/17 03:41 PM
CaliGuy - Such insightful words and so well put. Thanks for taking the time to share these thoughts.

They really hit home for me today!

I wish I had something beautiful to add.
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/19/17 08:27 PM
SBJ,

I hope you are doing as well as possible. Gald that you had a nice night out with your friends. That is really a gift of love and friendship.
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/22/17 02:39 PM
JOURNALING:

Great weekend with the kids and the golf course. I did the usual house work, dinners, got to play golf with a good friend, and had the privilege to worship God with my amazing kids.

I was also able to read and keep up with many of my friends on this board. I hope and pray that all of you guys with prodigal spouses find peace in your storm.

WOW...just read up on and watched some info on "Intermittent Reinforcement vs Addiction". It was kind of eye-opening to me and kind of explained how I felt at times in my M. My W would occasionally use these tactics at times with physical affection.

It states that the person would hold out on the need or desire that their partner required as a form of control. Then they would grant the need to them at their convenience only. Even though the partner was not having all of their needs met all of the time, when it finally was met, they’d be put almost into a state of nirvana. The feeling was so good that they almost became addicted to the game, not the true feelings. They said that they are hooked on the "hope" that they will get what they desire, but instead are being starved to death emotionally.

I guess it opened my eyes to the fact that I was not getting what I needed, but was holding onto the hope that either things would get better or that she would change. I kept doing more and giving more, in the hopes that it would change what she did or felt. I guess that is kind of shallow, but it is what had happened.

Maybe it was part of my Mr. Nice Guy personality. I tried to give her gifts. I tried to go above and beyond what she asked of me. I tried to be Super Husband and Super Dad. Part of me thinks that I did all of that because I truly love my W, but part of me also realizes that it was a symptom. I was doing them in the hopes that I would receive what I needed and desired from her.

That realization makes me kind of sick. Both spouses should want to give and receive without question. There should be no score kept, nor should one use the needs of the other as a weapon against the other.

***I hope everyone has a great week and that all of your prayers are answered. God Bless!!!
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/23/17 09:01 AM
Thanks for continuing to post. That is vey interesting. I think I'm still in the trying to be super h and super dad. Is that wrong? She respond positively but wonder if it's making things better or just delaying the inevitable.
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/23/17 10:08 AM
Brother, I don't know what is right or wrong...what I do know is that I don't control how my wife feels or what she does. I thought I was doing what was right for the last 26 years, but somewhere along the way something happened inside her head. It made her believe that what she had was not what she wanted anymore. Again, not in my control.

I am trying to let go and let God take control.
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/24/17 07:39 AM
It is funny or strange how those deep in MLC only see how things are affecting themselves. They do not have any empathy for how their decisions have negatively affected anyone else in their world. Family, friends, co-workers are all affected by their choices.

My W has been much nicer to me lately, but it is very evident it is because I am not fighting her on the D and I am not begging her or pleading with her to come back.

She and her sister on the other hand have been at odds with each other for the last 6 months. I finally had to tell my SIL that I will not get in between the two of them. She keeps asking me for my opinion as to how to handle my W. I simply told her that I am praying for them both, but I will not take sides between them. This is something that they would have to work out themselves.

I know MLC takes time and I know that they all don't make it thru to the other side, but my patience is being tested for sure. We have always been a close knit family and have always had wonderful relationships with all of our in-laws. This has blown all of those relationships apart for sure.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/24/17 07:42 AM
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Thanks for continuing to post. That is vey interesting. I think I'm still in the trying to be super h and super dad. Is that wrong? She respond positively but wonder if it's making things better or just delaying the inevitable.


Is super H and super dad who you want to be? Or are you doing it because it's who she wants you to be?
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/24/17 09:42 AM
Ummm...both? I recognize legitimate shortcomings as both a h and a f and I've made changes to improve those things. I want those things to be permanent changes no matter what happens to my m.
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/24/17 02:15 PM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Thanks for continuing to post. That is vey interesting. I think I'm still in the trying to be super h and super dad. Is that wrong? She respond positively but wonder if it's making things better or just delaying the inevitable.


Is super H and super dad who you want to be? Or are you doing it because it's who she wants you to be?


Ginger1...don't we all want to be viewed by our spouse and our kids as the best of the best. As the product of a broken home of broken parents, I know that I vowed to do everything I could to be the best I could. I had a workaholic dad that was like a disneyland dad and an alcoholic mother that had to get a couple of drinks in her before she could help us with our homework.

I was going to be available to all of my children for whatever they needed...coaching/scouting/fishing/camping. Anything that I could to let them know that they were a priority.

I took the same approach with my wife. She was a priority and I did all I could do to show her how important she was. Thru this all I have realized that I still have no idea WTF she wanted. I spoiled her. I bought her gifts. I watched our kids while she spent time at the gym or volunteering. In retrospect I did so much in the hopes that those acts would be reciprocated towards my needs. Were they...no! Does she see a problem with that...I don't see it.

I have come to learn that to be that Super (Parent/Husband), I have to feel Super by taking care of #1...ME! The wife has been out from under my roof since before Thanksgiving and I have learned that I can still do things that I want to do without neglecting my kids.

Now I'm sure like everyone on here, I don't like having to take care of all of the house chores by myself, but it is doable. I have been able to be a father, a son, and a brother, while still being able to workout, play golf, and enjoy my friends. So I guess as an answer to your question to Gordie, I do want to be super, but I want to be super for me...they just get to benefit from it.
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 05/24/17 02:23 PM
Dude...we have so much in common it is uncanny. One day we'll have a beer!
Posted By: SBJ Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 06/02/17 09:59 AM
Journaling...
I guess the beginning of the summer will bring up some down moments. The W took all 3 kids out of town with her family for a family members graduation. They are spending the weekend away and it kind of stinks. The feeling of being left behind hurts. I know that my kids are simply excited to be going somewhere and getting away, but to watch my family drive off w/o me was a real bummer yesterday.

Work was hard to get thru, but I made it. I met a buddy that is about a year ahead of me in his MLC'ers journey for drinks after work. I saw that his vehicle was still at his office as I was driving by and had the urge to stop. Over drinks he expressed his gratitude that I had stopped because he was struggling all day long. He sent a text to me this morning saying that he needed what I had to say yesterday. It is funny...I needed to vent about my frustration, but he learned alot from what I had to say. I guess all of you guys information is sticking with me and I am able to translate it to people that might need help. God works in mysterious ways.

Anyway, I hope everyone is able to find things this weekend that fill your time and your mind. God bless all of you.
Posted By: Gordie Re: It takes two to tango (Pt. 7) - 06/02/17 10:32 AM
That stinks. I hope you have lots of good stuff planned for your weekend to keep your mind occupied and your soul at rest. Great you were able to help your friend.
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/06/17 10:18 AM
Well, it seems that I will be praying and trying to remain that lighthouse from the other side of divorce. The W is pushing for this to be done ASAP. It seems that she wants to have everything signed within the next 30 days. If we can manage that it will be less than 365 days from BD to D. While not a record I'm sure, it seems really quick to end a long term M.

I think that I have done a decent job with not worrying about what she is doing all of the time, or who she is doing it with, but this has thrown me for a loop. I guess I was hoping and praying that she would have a change of heart before we had to go thru with the D. I guess I don't get a choice in this matter...haha.

For those of you that have reluctantly gone thru with the divorce ... what is the secret to doing so without totally losing it? She's been out of the house for over 7 months, but I feel that I could still welcome her home tonight. I know that would not bode well for the future, but I still miss the woman that was by my side for over 25 years. I even the miss the woman that was there up until a month or two before BD. The speed at which they detach is crazy fast.

My kids came back from a weekend away with her and although they said they did have a good time, they also said that they wished we were all together...that is rough to hear. I'm sure they miss their family being together just as much as I do.

My discussions with her now are simply dollars and cents. It is hard for me to try and understand their mind. How they can detach and seem to talk to us like we had not spent so many years together. They acknowledge at least that we have kids together, because they have to split costs with us, but as far as we are concerned...we never existed. Maybe it is defense mechanism for their batchitcrazy mindset.

>>>>>>>
I have found in my GAL time that I rekindled some friendships with some guys that I have known for a while, but not spent time with for a while. The kicker is that all four of them have been thru divorce. One twice and the other three just once.

It is funny to me that different people have different views on D and how it changes families. They all have children, but all of their circumstances have been totally different. One wanted out of his M for OW. One had an addict for a W and she couldn't clean up. One left him for OM. And, the other seems like both women had MLC's. While I still hang out with some of my married friends it seems like I am spending more time with these men that I have things in common with. One of the guys, even though he is over a year into his D, seems to still be standing a bit for M.

>>>>>>>>
My FIL just came by and we had a nice talk. He is still blown away that his daughter is doing this, but says it is a total copy of what her mother did to him 30 years ago...my W was a teenager at the time. I know I have said it before on here, but she seems to have reverted to being a teenager in some aspects of her personality. She seems like a giddy schoolgirl when she is around my daughter and her friends, but then kind of acts older when she is around their parents. It just seems odd to me.

My FIL and step-MIL don't agree with it and insist that I have been dealt a crappy hand. He said for me to try and move on the best I can and if she ever "snaps out of it" I can then decide if I want her back. Sounds like he has listened to MWD. He is a wise man and I totally respect him, but it is still a hard thing to wrap my crazed brain around.

I hope everyone is having a better day and time of it than I am today. God bless you all. Please keep me and my family (even the W) in your prayers. THX
Posted By: roist Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/06/17 12:24 PM
Best wishes.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/06/17 01:03 PM
Originally Posted By: SBJ
Well, it seems that I will be praying and trying to remain that lighthouse from the other side of divorce. The W is pushing for this to be done ASAP. It seems that she wants to have everything signed within the next 30 days. If we can manage that it will be less than 365 days from BD to D. While not a record I'm sure, it seems really quick to end a long term M.

I felt the same about my sitch, as exh was pushing hard to be divorced ASAP. He was horrified when our mediator said he thought we could be divorced within 8 months. That was too long for him! I think your reaction is a normal one for a LBS. BTW, our divorce actually took 20 1/2 months, still very fast when you factor in a 22 year marriage, 26 year relationship, property, kid, other assets to split.

Quote:

I think that I have done a decent job with not worrying about what she is doing all of the time, or who she is doing it with, but this has thrown me for a loop. I guess I was hoping and praying that she would have a change of heart before we had to go thru with the D. I guess I don't get a choice in this matter...haha.


{{{{{{{SBJ}}}}}}} hugs xoxoxo

I get it. I really do. Even after court, during the 120 day waiting period I kept hoping deep down inside that he would stop it, snap out of it, be the man he used to be. It's hard to turn off when you've been with someone more than half your life. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Quote:

For those of you that have reluctantly gone thru with the divorce ... what is the secret to doing so without totally losing it? She's been out of the house for over 7 months, but I feel that I could still welcome her home tonight. I know that would not bode well for the future, but I still miss the woman that was by my side for over 25 years. I even the miss the woman that was there up until a month or two before BD. The speed at which they detach is crazy fast.

It's seems crazy fast because they've really been detaching a whole lot longer than it seems. They were detaching way, way, WAY before BD. They just don't clue the LBS in. Maybe it's because they haven't made up their minds yet.

I miss the man with whom I spent more than half my life. I guess the answer to your question is that I realized that the person who was divorcing me was a completely different person from the one who married me. That made it a little easier.

The other answers to that question:

1. don't rush the process
2. only plan one week out
3. when unsure, do nothing
4. sit quietly and wait for the answers
5. do something physical - exercise, yard work, etc. to get the stress out of your body

I also kept things in the day as much as possible - ok, the hour, or minute, some days. I allowed myself to grieve. I ate ice-cream for breakfast and/or dinner some days (that's not a great idea, by the way). Basically all the things you did in the beginning, you have to do again. The good news is, you've had practice so it is a bit easier.

Quote:
My discussions with her now are simply dollars and cents. It is hard for me to try and understand their mind. How they can detach and seem to talk to us like we had not spent so many years together. They acknowledge at least that we have kids together, because they have to split costs with us, but as far as we are concerned...we never existed. Maybe it is defense mechanism for their batchitcrazy mindset.


Still trying to figure that out. Got no good answers for you. The revisionist history is astounding as well. What they have to do to justify their actions. Remember: they are not in their right minds, so dig deep for patience and compassion.

Quote:

I have found in my GAL time that I rekindled some friendships with some guys that I have known for a while, but not spent time with for a while. The kicker is that all four of them have been thru divorce. One twice and the other three just once.


My relationships post BD are much different - at least in terms of my inner circle. This has taught me who I can and cannot depend on. I'm closer with some and very distant from others with whom I used to be close. It's definitely a strange phenomenon. Divorce really kicks up a lot for even those involved only peripherally.

Quote:

My FIL just came by and we had a nice talk. He is still blown away that his daughter is doing this, but says it is a total copy of what her mother did to him 30 years ago...my W was a teenager at the time. I know I have said it before on here, but she seems to have reverted to being a teenager in some aspects of her personality. She seems like a giddy schoolgirl when she is around my daughter and her friends, but then kind of acts older when she is around their parents. It just seems odd to me.


Nope, she's back in the time of her trauma, trying to re-live it. This is an opportunity for her to heal that, if she can.

Quote:

My FIL and step-MIL don't agree with it and insist that I have been dealt a crappy hand. He said for me to try and move on the best I can and if she ever "snaps out of it" I can then decide if I want her back. Sounds like he has listened to MWD. He is a wise man and I totally respect him, but it is still a hard thing to wrap my crazed brain around.


He's right.

Quote:
I hope everyone is having a better day and time of it than I am today. God bless you all. Please keep me and my family (even the W) in your prayers. THX


Absolutely. You are all in my prayers. Just focus on breathing and getting through one day at a time. Anything that's too overwhelming, turn over to God. As my dear friend who passed a few months ago used to say, "1, 2, 3 give it to God."
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/06/17 02:11 PM
roist...thanks for the wishes.

bttrfly...thanks for the words of encouragement. I have read that the time just post D is very similar to just post BD. I lost 30#'s post BD and have gained back 20#. I thought bourbon was zero calorie??? Who knew?

I like your idea of ice cream for meals, but my waistline wouldn't like it. I have to get serious about getting back on the road and into the gym...I have a Tough Mudder to do with some long time friends the first of November, so I need to get some miles under my feet and get comfortable pulling my @$$ over and thru some obstacles.

Bttrfly, I will be thinking about you in September. I just made hotel reservations in New Orleans for the Pats/Saints game. A long weekend with some friends and family. Good times. The oldest and I are huge Pats fans...should be a great weekend.

I hope your guitar playing is going better than mine...not able to practice as much as I'd like, but I will get there.

God Bless!
Posted By: AndrewP Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/07/17 08:38 AM
SBJ - I've been reading along but not saying much because you seem from the outside to have a good support network and feel good about yourself, what you are doing and why.

I did want to give my own point of view as someone who has trod a slightly different but I think similar path.

For me, I did indeed drop the rope. I know that she's gone and that there is no indication that she will ever want to come back. I'm perhaps still a lighthouse but one that is not shining it's beacon in any particular direction.

One of the most powerful things that influenced me and yes, drove me mad, was Hope. If you remember the story of Pandora, when her box was opened, all of the evil contained within was released except Hope. Hope is indeed a powerful thing but it binds us to the thing we are hoping for. Hope can keep a person striving long beyond where they may have thought it possible but it does also wrap us in it's coils.

In some ways perhaps you are where I was late last fall. I had been gradually losing my Hope for some time but then had my hope renewed by an encounter in November. It was then completely crushed some weeks later and then I stopped Hoping. I'm not telling you to abandon Hope, you must pick your own path through the fog that you are also in. I'm just saying that for me, releasing that Hope, the Hope that she would come back and that we would be a family again was the one thing that allowed me to move forward.

You can be proud of the man that you are and what you stand for. I have discovered that it is possible to love and to have loved, to follow the path of Duty and Honour and to know that as I believe that eric once asked me, that I have done absolutely everything that I could have before letting her go.

Blessings.
Posted By: OwnIt Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/07/17 09:47 AM
Great post Andrew. I agree that hope is what has tripped me up at times and letting it go was the key to moving on.
Posted By: roist Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/08/17 03:17 AM
I can see the point Andrew makes. It makes sense. I disagree slightly though and this is just my opinion.You need to let go the outcome not hope.

For some the only way they can let go the outcome is to no longer want to save the M. That isn't the only way but having hope can increase attachment to a specific outcome. So it boils back to being detached being the key.

Hope and try are weak words and weak characteristics on their own. They need to be used to align actions towards specific goals. For example SBJ hopes to finish a tough mudder later this year. Signing up makes that real. Training towards it makes it doable.

Michelle states it is never too late. In other words there is always hope or at least a reason to hope.

Best wishes
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/08/17 07:20 AM
Thank you guys. I'm sure that everyone on here knows by now that I am hanging on my faith in God that the right thing will happen. His will.

What is that? I cannot answer that. When is it going to happen? I cannot answer that.

I believe that marriage is forever, but I cannot force another person to believe the same thing. I believe that my word is my bond, but I cannot force another person to believe that.

God created me to be a faithful, kind, and loving husband and father. I will not quit being who I am, but I will use His word to grow even better and stronger. He is the ultimate gardener and sometimes He prunes things in our lives so that they will thrive and grow even better. Some of us see that pruning as things (relationships) being over, but some see it as a way of growing things even better together.

To align with roist's comment...I signed up for my marriage over 20 years ago and it was real, but she and I did not train, "together", to make it truly doable. I admit that there were many things that she and I could both do to make us so much better together, and I also accept all of the mistakes that I made.

I agree with Michelle about always having hope, but I have to simply put my hope in God, myself, and my children. God is always by my side. I can only control "me". My children are reliant on me for guidance, love, and consistency. If my W ever comes thru her trial, then I will rekindle my hope with her. Just as I would never give up on my kids...I cannot totally give up on her. I think that she is lost, but I also think that she has to find her way thru it.
Posted By: roist Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/08/17 07:47 AM
You sound well on your way to letting go of the outcome. That will stand to you and help you through the next month and beyond.

I believe not many people are truly prepared for M. There should be a compulsory course beforehand. People are not equipped to treat each other as they should in M. Heck they don't even realise that until they end up as LBS or WAS.

I have learned more in the last two years than I did in our 20 years together. Someone will reap the rewards a part from me!! The same will apply for you.there is a site about the law of attraction and they say you should set your goals for K to happen........ or better. I am confident that I will have a loving fulfilling R in the future. I believe that. I will do my best that it is my W that is the other half of that R, but I don't rule out that it may not be.

Sorry for rushed reply but I gotta go. But for what it is worth I think you are doing great for someone still within a year of bd

Best wishes.
Posted By: Gordie Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/08/17 08:13 PM
SBJ and Roist,

I won't hijack but just want to say I have learned so much from both of you. I have been struggling with that four letter word HOPE. I share SBJ's beliefs about God and marriage and that I'm still committed even if w is not. At times, I feel I am the for keeping my hope alive so appreciated the distinction of letting go of the outcome.
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/09/17 07:13 AM
Gordie you are awesome...I think that is what this group is for...keeping us in Hope. Hope that we will be OK once we get thru the ____.

Found out earlier that my last living grandfather passed this morning. He went peacefully and I am sure he is staring in awe at the streets of gold in Heaven. I have shared with all of my children and will let the W know today. I was out of town with my oldest when her last living grandparent did 5 years ago. I always regretted that I wasn't with her, but nobody had a clue that it would happen.
Posted By: Gordie Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/09/17 08:34 AM
SBJ,

What do you believe about divorce and remarriage?
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/09/17 10:10 AM
Gordie, I honestly haven't given it much thought. I guess I have seen and heard many answers over the years on the subject, but I am not certain. Also, since I am taking things one day at a time, I have to get thru with today, before I think about tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 says, “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

1. We have made it too easy to get divorced in our society and it is now highly accepted.
2. In the church it is very accepted to divorce and annul your marriage just so you can re-marry in the church and be in good standing. Kind of an oxymoron...right? You married, failed, and now we will make it legal for you to have a redo.
3. The statistics don't bode well for 2nd and 3rd marriages.
4. If you are trying to stay faithful to the word, it says till death do you part, not D.

I read a funny comic the other day that had a priest marrying a couple and it said: Do you promise to love and cherish each other until it's inconvenient, or you're tired of it, or somebody more exciting comes along, or it's just not fun anymore?

That kind of sums up our society.
like the one day at a time thing

I also need to practice this
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/10/17 06:29 AM
So I received a text from the W about the death of my grandfather. It read, I'm so so sorry about your grandfather. Really sorry. So glad it was peaceful. Prayers are with you and your dad. What can I do?

I simply responded with thanks for the prayers and that is all that needs to be done.

She said, you've got that, I'm really sorry. Give your dad my love. Are you OK?

It was late and didn't respond. She is out of town until tonight. Might get something else might not. I think that we all question our mortality at times, but some of us are better with the coping part.
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/10/17 02:36 PM
So I received a text from the W about the death of my grandfather. It read, I'm so so sorry about your grandfather. Really sorry. So glad it was peaceful. Prayers are with you and your dad. What can I do?

I simply responded with thanks for the prayers and that is all that needs to be done.

She said, you've got that, I'm really sorry. Give your dad my love. Are you OK?

That was last night. This evening I got a call since she was back in town. Again said she was sorry and then went right into whether or not I wanted her to pick up the kids. End of conversation.
Sorry to hear about your GF

It was kind and caring of your wife to respond
also nice that she feels safe enough to contact you with emotional support
so obviously she feels accepted and unjudged by you-

You also handles it well

IT is best to probably not read too much into stuff-
but know that you are creating a workable R with her at this time
which is best for the kids and everyone concerned

and for the MLCer to feel forgiven-

Continue on your journey-
more will be revealed alter
Posted By: job Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/12/17 02:18 AM
I am very sorry to read about the passing of your grandfather. May he rest in peace and continue to watch over you and your family. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/18/17 01:04 AM
SBJ, So sorry about your granddad's passing. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Hope you have a happy father's day with your family, making new memories and remembering granddad fondly.

xoxoxo
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/18/17 04:41 AM
Happy Father's Day to all the dads on here and all of the moms that play both roles.

Even though I have all of my children today, it is still bitter sweet. I did not become a father on my own. I hope and pray that we all are successful in navigating the rough waters of MLC.
Posted By: skm0619 Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/26/17 03:37 PM
Hey SBJ.....haven't heard from you in a while.

I hope that things in your world are going okay, and that you are taking care of you smile
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 03:19 AM
Hey skm…just haven’t felt like posting in a while. I have still read up on everyone’s lives, but haven’t had the need to write myself.

I just spent the weekend with 60 men on a men’s retreat and it was truly amazing to see men let go and let God. The Holy Spirit filled the aid all 4 days. It is always crazy cool. This was the 7th one of these that I attended, but this time I directed it.

While it was totally amazing, it was also totally draining. It took all day yesterday to recoup. I have spent the last 6 months working towards this retreat with a team of 37 men. It is awesome to see so many men want to serve others.

At some point this weekend, I saw my W and kids at church. When I walked by them I reached out to grab my youngest son’s hand. My W immediately reached out and grabbed mine then I was able to grab the boys. When I walked by again, I again reached for his hand and she did it again. WOW, what a mind-#^$%.

I spent all Sunday evening and all day Monday spinning. This morning I feel a little better. I don’t know what is going thru her mind, especially since she is still pushing me to sign the D papers. I’m totally confused to say the least.

I hope everyone else’s lives have been a bit less batchitcrazy. You were all in my prayers all weekend. I don’t care what religion or denomination or affiliation anyone is on here…if you are a LBS and have a prodigal spouse, you are in my prayers and I know that God is a God of healing and reconciliation.

And looking at them Jesus said to them, “With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
Posted By: roist Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 04:09 AM
Was she stopping you making contact with S or was she making contact with you? Put it down to being a curious moment and don't dwell on it.

Glad your weekend and the work you did preparing it was fulfilling.GGood on you.

How is preparation going for your tough mudder?
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 05:28 AM
roist...she grabbed my hand to simply grab my hand.

TOUGH MUDDER:

The training is slow...almost done healing from a broken big toe. My stupidity caused it, so I will have to push for the next 6 months to get into tip top shape. Should be good for my mind, body and soul.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
JOURNALING:

Just received an email from her telling me that usual stuff that a woman that has moved on will say. It was basically much of the same MLC speak, but this time she threw in the whole part that she is releasing me to find the love and passion that we both deserve.

She said that she couldn't come back to make me and our family happy since she would still be unhappy. Saying that I was a great husband and a great dad, but...she needs passion.

She also said that other than our children, that I am the only one that will still speak to her...she has shut out her family and of course my family, and is amazed that they don't really want to talk to her or have anything to do with her.

I have been told, from semi-unreliable sources, that she is still talking to the OM. My W is an incredibly smart woman, but is susceptible to being talked into something. She was brainwashed my a MLM when we were younger and now she has been conned by this OM (ex-con/recovered addict). He is a total BS artist. I know that as long as she is doing that that she will be in that giddy/euphoric state. She says that she has prayed alot about it all and how she knows how hurt I am, but she has to go thru with the D.

I just came off of an incredible High and seem to be body slammed back to reality. All that is lacking is my signature on the D paperwork. I have some friends telling me to stall and put in "morality clauses" and see if there is something that I could write in about an ex-con being in my kids lives. Then I have others that say to just pull the trigger and sign. Then I have family just wanting the chaos to be over.

Is the answer just to sign and continue standing?
Do I stop fighting for her since she seems to be gone for good?

I guess I was still hoping for her to turn back around before I had to sign on the dotted line. After this past weekend, I am spiritually and emotionally spent and then get this. WOW!
make sure your kids are safe, but they are old enough to tell you

I put all kinds of clauses in our D-to protect kids
none of them were ever needed in my case

sometimes when we let go of control we then get control


not sure how that works
but when we have covered every angle ,and there isn't much else to do and all arrows lead one way--we got to take the leap
not just in MLC but in everything
I know how hard it is to let them go..
sounds like your life is heading in the right direction and from your W actions, she remains confused and still cares about you but MLC will have to pull her out to sea for a while..she may regret it as most MLCers seem to regret their choices but that will take time
Posted By: CaliGuy Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 10:02 AM
SBJ

I have fought this one for some time ... however I never tried to delay it. All 3 mediation attempts I was at every meeting early (She cancelled or set new dates constantly). When she did finally file with the courts I was served Sept16, first court date Feb17 I was there and very cordial with her lawyer whom sat with me after. Next date is Aug17 I have yet to hear anything, maybe it happens, maybe a delay who knows but I will be there.

The one thing I know is the MLCr has this fantasy in their head of how amazing life will be .... the LBS is roadblock #1, I feel my MLCr very well needs D to get through the tunnel ... I feel many really do to hit rock bottom TBH.

My Advice:
What you have to think about is the long term game. FEAR is what keeps us stuck. Think about it, you want something so bad because you are terrified of the life unknown. She will do as she will do, you have kids here to think about and whats best for them .... if your W can process through this crisis and come out the other side and return to be a good mom the kids win.
If during this time you can also change and become a better dad (I know I did as a result of this) its also a win for the kids.

Bottom line you have to become the best version of yourself that you can be

For me .... I had to give my M and my future to God. There was no other choice as I realized I was completely out of my league here and had zero control. When we struggle in quicksand we simply drown faster. Again ... FEAR. Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I truly believe He is in control of this. She needs to go through her journey alone just as you have had to do the same. No guarantee if your paths or any of ours here end up at the same point later or not ... but I do know we would not learn the lessons needed to be learned if we knew how the movie ends.

Focus on the mirror work.
Posted By: Gordie Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 10:24 AM
SBJ,

Good to hear from you and congratulations on the retreat. You put a lot into it and many men were touched. That is an awesome contribution to your community.

I feel your pain and I get the spinning. The physical touch, the semi kind words, the still pushing for d. What makes you hesitant to sign the papers? Do you disagree with the settlement? Do you think resisting will make your w change her mind? Is this your boundary, legal divorce, or is it just a piece of paper?

FWIW, at least your w is still going to church. We can't mind read and certainly can't soul read. Who knows what is happening in her heart.

I hope you and the kids are enjoying the summer days.

Gordie
Posted By: AndrewP Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 10:47 AM
Originally Posted By: SBJ
Do I stop fighting for her since she seems to be gone for good?
SBJ - This ^^^^ was one of my own biggest struggles. I think that you and I have some similarities because we both come from a place of Duty and if I could be so bold, Pride.

I had a major mind shift quite a number of months ago which was perhaps easier for me because there was a very obvious OM involved. Give it some thought please. What ARE you fighting for? Are you fighting for something that doesn't exist any more? Are you just fighting for a dream? I don't mean to get you down, but give some thought and prayer to shape around your own motives. I strongly respect anyone who is willing to fight for a dream. I have read the story of Don Quixote and am a great admirer of that character. He did not fight to keep his Dulcinea, nor to shape her path, but rather he fought because she was worthy of having his service. Yes - my analogies are pretty crappy some times. And yes - reading Don Quixote is not for the impatient nor the faint of heart. It took me 3 years and I am still grateful that I did it.

I wrote my monthly letter to my children a couple of days ago where I commented that I hoped that their mother was happy. That is what I want for her. That is what love IS to me.

Blessings.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 12:45 PM
{{{{{{{SBJ}}}}}}}
Sometimes the best way to fight for someone is to let them go with love and fierce compassion.

Make sure you've put everything in writing to protect the kids.

Trust in God.

Drop the rope, as Kml says, or be dragged.

In my case, I knew that the only way my husband would ever stop projecting all his MLC nonsense onto me was if I wasn't there. When you point fingers at the mirror but then the mirror disappears and you're left standing all by yourself, you have no more excuses for why you're miserable.

Pray, then sign the papers and trust that God has you both in the palm of His hand. xoxoxo
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 03:31 PM
Thank you all for your care, support and advice. Fear is a bugger.
Posted By: skm0619 Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 06:13 PM
SBJ.....it makes me sad to read your posts. Mostly because we all know that you are such a wonderful guy, and you care tremendously for your family. Unfortunately your W still only cares about herself. We, the LBS, will NEVER understand how or why they can be so selfish.

I remember a conversation that H and I had not too long ago. He said, "there was a period of time during this separation that I didn't think about you at all or how the decisions I was making would affect you." That was very hard to hear, but it was the truth. Your W isn't capable of thinking about anyone but herself right now, and sadly, nothing that you say or do is going to change that.

I have no idea what it feels like to have someone who is pushing for D papers to be signed. I'm sorry that you are in that position.

I wish I could say something to make it better frown
Posted By: roist Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/27/17 10:33 PM
SBJ imagine for a minute that you are unhappy in your M. Really unhappy.No even worse than that. Years go by and things only feel worse. You no longer want to try because everything you tried failed to achieve a better situation. At this stage you numbly go through the motions feeling alone lost and helpless. No solution or option is forthcoming. Then slowly you see a spark of life outside of your M. That gives you hope things can be better. You explore your options and see that this spark of hope has taken fire and warms your dead spirit. It feels great. You feel alive. Now all you want is more and more. You have no choice. It is the only option. Maybe it isn't ideal for everyone but it is better. There can be no going back.

That is how your W feels. She was trapped and hopeless but now has a solution. We know it is ill founded and an illusion but for her it is real. Trying to hold her back will fuel her desire to break free. I don't see how fighting against the D will help change this. I am against D so I won't advise you to go for it, but ask yourself if fighting it will help you reconcile.

I have read recently that many WAS want the LBS to come win them.back. I believe that is true but I also believe that once passed a certain point, the healthiest and most strategic thing to do is to let them go. This is not giving up, but accepting that she needs space and time for now.

Maybe a legal separation is an alternative. But either way you need to prepare yourself that it is unlikely things will turn around within the next year . They could so don't rule it out, but don't expect it to.

I have no words to make this easier but I am confident you can get through this and THRIVE.

Best wishes
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/28/17 02:02 AM
skm...thank you for your kind words. This is the hardest thing that I have ever been thru. I am getting so sick of family telling me that they know what I am going thru. Unless you've been where we are as LBS's you would have no idea. I know they mean well, but they are truly clueless.

roist...you are correct in saying that stalling is not the answer. To me things have seemed so fast, but I have no real ida of how long she has felt like this. Everyone says that, more than likely, it's been a long time.

Maybe I wouldn't feel as bad if this OM wasn't such a slime ball. He has fooled everyone in our community making them think he is the best thing since sex, 7-up and sliced bread. He is a narcissistic con-man and I have it on good authority that he has anger issues that he has hidden from the masses. I know I cannot control her, but I do worry about her safety. I have to put it in God's hands and let go. It is just hard to release someone you have made a vow to have and to hold til death. I'm just that kind of guy.

I know that I have read everyone's stories and that this takes a long time, but dang...sure does hurt.

I love the fact that everyone on here has such love and empathy for those that are still going thru this type of hell. It is nice to know that there are others here that know exactly what we are going thru and have wonderful advice as to what we need to do to survive and thrive. May God Bless us all here struggling with a prodigal.
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/29/17 02:20 AM
I have decided to sign the D papers today or tomorrow. I guess independence day will have a new meaning this year. I will continue to fight for her from the other side of the fence. It is unfortunate that I have to do this, but I am trying to accept that this is out of my control.

I've read that the mlc'er is going thru hell in their own minds, but I cannot imagine it being worse than what the lbs feels or is going thru. I hope and pray that all of our pain fades and that God will shed understanding on as to whey we had to endure this trial. You all are angels sent by God to comfort others that are going thru this hell.

>>>>>>>

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
Posted By: Gordie Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/29/17 05:57 AM
I feel your pain. I wish I had words of comfort to make you feel better but know that words cannot do that. I will pray for you in this dark hour. Hang in there. It will get better! And yes, that until death do you part vow...admire your commitment to it.
Posted By: CaliGuy Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/29/17 08:47 AM
SBJ

As Gordie said ... words can not take away the hurt and pain, they just can not. Understand you are among people who have been, will be, or are going through what you are at this very time ... misery loves company eh?

I think for me, this journey, it taught me many many lessons. The one that comes to mind and applies to where you are at this moment is understand Gods plan is without question the best thing for us. You have to remind yourself of that and keep Faith He will deliver you. I was just talking to one of my best friends about this Sunday as he asked me if there was any movement in my sitch. I have been at peace for some time because while I am not sure the direction God is pointing me towards, I do know He will give me the strength and the things I need to get there, and honestly it can not be worse than the past few years .... but conversely that pain and hurt taught me more in a 2-3 year span than I have learned in my entire life and I am thankful for it.

Its hard .. if not impossible to see how things need to be done when we are so close to it. For me I think God absolutely saved me from a front row seat of misery dealing with my MLCr hands on ... He has a plan for her too, and I trust that just as much as I trust the plan he has for me. As far as the plan for our M .... I gave my M to Him long ago as I was just overwhelmed with all of it, it took to much energy from me and I was better off to apply that energy towards my own individual growth rather than waste it on something out of my control.

Understand this is just another step in the process, its a tough one but most likely one that is required, stay on YOUR course and keep your faith.
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 06/30/17 03:04 AM
What a way to start your morning. WOW, just got a text from the, now I can say it, STBXW asking when I would be signing the papers. What a pushy woman. She has always been the one to get her way and is now trying so hard to make it happen NOW.

I simply told her that I was going to go today. I said that I love you completely and that I will do this for you. I also told her that I hope and pray that she is never put thru this. The last line from me was "No response necessary".

And of course her response was..."And I thank you. I hope one day you will understand where I'm coming from". "You will understand me".

WTF is that...she is now trying to use projection to make me see her point of view. What BS is this?

>>>>>>>
Cali, I know you said that this is another step in the process. You and roist also said that at times the MLC'er has this complete and total need to see the D thru to completion, but this totally stinks.

>>>>>>>
As I have been typing she's been texting me saying that I should understand the part that I played in all of this and that when it all came out in her counseling, that she is not able to get past it. Now blaming me for her wanting out of our M. Saying that it is too much for her to get past and that one day I will see that.

I simply told her that i'd continue to pray for her.

Her response is that we can both be happy even if not together.
I believe the MLCer is also going through pain for their part in leaving the family
I saw the way MY XH coped was denial

He would say you wanted this right..I said No
He said we will find another more compatible
He was looking for validation from me that we both wanted this and I think he believed that
I also think they believe we stand in the way of their happiness
so if the D was Final, they would magically be happier
I do not think any MLCer finds what they set out to

last I heard from my xh he was absolutely miserable and wanting out of his M to ow
he left a VM
I certainly didn't wish that for him but I also can not change his choices

After the D,everything got easier for me-and especially letting him go
Posted By: Gordie Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 07/01/17 02:25 AM
SBJ,

You do understand your part. It's your W's choice not to get to work through it with you. Unfortunately, she is making that choice.

FWIW, I have heard all of those same words verbatim. Avoid mind reading, no idea what she is really thinking or feeling or if and when that ever changes.

Take care of yourself and kids now. You didn't choose this, but your path is your own now. God hasn't given up on you or abandoned you.

Gordie
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 07/05/17 08:59 AM
Hope everyone had a great Independence Day! As usual, I had our entire family over for BBQ, beer, and some much needed pool time. Even though I had 20+ people at the house and hosted everything, it sure was lonely. My kids helped a ton with getting the house and the patio ready, but one of the things I miss the most is the teamwork that she and I shared while getting ready for things like this. We were the ones that hosted everything and we always had a blast. No matter the holiday, we would clean together, plan together, and host a bad@$$ party.

My oldest helped with the yard and the pool area, the middle helped with the house and the bathroom, and the youngest watched us and stayed out of the way...haha! He makes a big mess, but is such an awesome kid.

I felt good that my entire side of the family was there, but even more so that my FIL/Step-MIL & BIL/SIL were there the entire time. I truly am in awe that they are standing with me. It is truly humbling, but it makes me sad at times thinking that she has isolated herself from me and the rest of our family. At least she still has a good relationship with our kids. That is a good thing.

Thanks to everyone that has sent me positive vibes & prayers. Last Friday afternoon was kind of rough. I signed my portion of the D papers and I guess it is in her hands and then the judges. After the judge signs them there is a 30 day period that changes or cancellations can be made. After that 30 day period is up...it is final. WOW!

Time to get back in the gym to work on the bod and hit the streets to get ready for that Tough Mudder in November.

Peace be with you all!!!
Posted By: roist Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 07/07/17 01:31 AM
Best wishes bud. You will thrive. It is okay to slip back into survive mode, but don't stay there. Glad the party went well. Let yourself enjoy the next one more.

I would not have advised you to tell W you love her etc. Now that it has been said, please think about this. The ballgame has changed now that you have signed. Your best approach to get W back is to show her a THRIVING sbj living life to the full unhindered by the D. And the best way to do that is to live it. Fake it at the start, but work towards making it your new reality.

Further declarations or pining etc will slow any possibility that she returns. If she knows/assumes you are waiting for her, she believes she can just go back if she is not happy with how things work out for her. Great you might think, accept because she feels you are a sure deal, she can take all the time she wants.

If she never wants back you have a great life in place.IIt is a win win. And truly your only viable option in your situation.

I know this is hard for you. I am not belittling that, but want to nudge you forward. Destiny awaits with better things ahead.

Best wishes
Posted By: SBJ Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 07/07/17 02:07 AM
Thanks roist...I know that I am not the only one that feels the sting at times. It is hard to want something so bad and not be able to obtain it. I feel like a 16 year old wanting a Ferrari for his first car.

This Sunday, July 9th, marks my 1 yr anniversary of BD. I am going to surround myself with my brothers and my oldest son and play the best round of golf ever...hopefully.

Monday I am getting back to the gym on a more full time basis and hitting the streets early in the morning to prep for that Tough Mudder in November. My training was halted due to a broken toe, so I am excited to get back the grind.

I'm trying to fill my days and evenings with things that will allow me to grow and point my mind in a different direction...forward. Sometimes, things just reappear and I get slapped with the fact that I miss my W.

My brothers and their wives are wanting to plan a trip to a resort in Mexico and wanted to know if I'd want to go...h3ll yes I said. Should be fun...hope I can get bikini ready (haha!).

I heard thru a little bird that the W went to her counselor yesterday and took her parents. This is the mother who enables her and the father that is against her divorcing me. In a way, I wish I could be a fly on the wall in there, but I know that at this point nothing I say or do would make a difference with her. She is in God's hands at this point and that is all there is to it.

Peace be with you!
Posted By: OwnIt Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 07/07/17 03:27 AM
SBJ,

How wonderful that you are finding such strength at this difficult time. It is doubtless a sign of your character. I hope that your life continues to take you forward in a positive direction.
Posted By: job Re: This dance is getting difficult (Pt. 8) - 07/07/17 06:42 AM
New Thread:

From the other side of the mountain (pt. 8)
© DivorceBusting.com