Here I am on my next thread. I don't think I'm going to do this right, but here's an attempt to link to my last thread:
MLC? Maybe you can tell me... 25years, I really want to thank you for reading my story and taking the time to give me such wonderful feedback. I've seen you post on a couple of other threads so I was downright giddy when you visited mine, as you seem to have a lot of experience and wisdom to impart. So thank you.
You're right about the term MLC and why I need to hang on to that. It's so much easier to blame depression and crisis for a sudden change in a spouse than it is to believe that they just decided one day that you weren't good enough to make them happy anymore. When I'm feeling down on myself the devil on my shoulder tries to get me to believe it, but most of the time I believe there's something more to this. But you're also right in that the end result is the same and the action that I should be taking is the same. So I'm going to concentrate on where I am now, not get bogged down in what caused it.
I can't remember which thread I read it on - it may have been the Jack 3 Beans thread, but I'm trying to use my anger as my shield and not my sword. What I'm going through because of him is so painful, and I'm so angry with the way that he's behaving. But I'm going to be the best me that I can be, because you're right - what's the alternative? I'm either going to be awesome and he's going to realize he was crazy to let me go, or I'm going to be so awesome that I'll be ready to find someone who deserves me. I'm just trying to fill my brain with the positive thoughts enough that there just isn't any room for the negative.
I've spent a lot of time really clearing my head and looking at our separation agreement from a practical standpoint. I think I know what I want to do now and how to approach him in our meeting. I think I can get what I need without totally screwing him, and with that I will be able to sleep at night. I do feel bad because I know that this is going to financially strap him and I don't think it will be as fantastic being divorced as he thinks it will be. I pray for him because I do love him and I hate to see him to do this to himself. But I think for now, we have separate paths to walk. I'm going to concentrate on selling our house, finding somewhere new for the girls and I, and really putting my energy into that. I'm going to let God work on my love life while I'm doing the other stuff. LOL.
Leaving tomorrow for a week on the Florida gulf coast with my girls. After a NY winter, I'm pretty excited to get warm in the sunshine and see my parents. I hope you all have a blessed week... I'm so thankful to have found this board.
Hey, what do you know? I linked it! Woohoo!
Also, I don't know if anyone has read the book The Art of Racing in the Rain - if you're a dog lover, you really should - it's told by the dog and his owner is a race car driver. He talks about why he was so good at driving on a wet track and said the key is to keep your eyes ahead - be planning for coming out of the curve before you're even driving into it. Always be looking ahead and planning for that part of the track. That passage has always stuck with me. So I'm trying to apply that to my life right now - eyes on the next curve.
Look ahead....... after all that is where you are heading. Nice choice of title
Thank you for starting a new thread and yes, you most certainly did link it! Congratulations! I knew you could do it!
Bird,
You sound like you are in better spirits. Enjoy the week with the girls in Florida! I hope you get to pamper yourself with a massage or something.
Bird,
Thinking of you and hoping you and your girls had a great vacation and that you got some sun and fund and...a mental/emotional break from the situation...all the best!
Thanks Gordie! We had a really good time. Weather was warm and we got to see both the sun (gasp!) and grass (double gasp!) so that was pretty cool.
Coming back to reality really hit me hard waiting for the plane to take off yesterday. One step forward, two steps back.
No confirmation on OW yet although they were spotted together last week in the lobby of his building by a coworker. I guess they're public now? It's awesome hearing all of this from colleagues instead of from him. I guess if he doesn't tell me he doesn't have to acknowledge it.
We have our meeting on Saturday where we are going to discuss some compromises regarding custody and support. Hoping it goes well but I never know which side of him I'm going to get so we'll see.
So the big thing happening is that when we got to FL last Monday, D12 wouldn't take off her sweater (it was 85) and wanted me to buy her a "really big bandaid" because she cut her arm. Long story short, she cut her arm many many times, with a shaving razor. She had her appt with the therapist today, so I texted the therapist some pics that I took inconspicuously on vacation. I was curious if it was what I thought it was. And it is. D12 denied it when I lightly questioned her about it, which I guess is a hallmark of cutting as well. Therapist asked me to join them for the beginning of the session and I texted H and told him he might want to come as well. He is in full denial first that she was actually cutting and second that it is because of the separation. In the session, she fully admitted that she's cutting and speculated that she doesn't think it is because of the separation (I was worried H would stick to this) but the therapist kind of gently tossed that idea. She told us that it's common and it's a sign of a 12 year old kid who is having trouble emotionally coping with what is happening in her life. He didn't have much to say after he and I left the session, just that we'd talk about it later. He still wants to believe that this isn't destroying our kids. And at this point I don't think he even cares what it's doing to me.
So, kind of a rough night. I'm exhausted from travel, first day back to work in a week, carting D12 around all day and being constantly amazed at H's betrayal and oblivion, the total 180 in his personality since last year. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired of everyone commending me for being strong. I just want someone else to be strong for a while. And I still have a house to pack and get on the market ASAP. I feel like I would have such an easier time GAL if I could just get off the merry go round.
i am so sorry you and your family are going thru this. i had a lot of stress packing, staging, selling and moving, but my son was not overtly acting out.
I cannot imagine how you must feel, and I'm very sorry for your situation. You have a very positive approach in that you're focusing on yourself and what you can do and leaving the rest up to God. Good plan! Stick with that and you'll go far !!! xoxoxoxo
{{{{{hugs and rest}}}}}
I am so sorry to read what you and your family are going through. Stress does so many things to people. I'm glad you and your daughter are going to see the therapist and I hope that he/she can help your daughter navigate this stressful time in her life and help her find other ways to relieve the stress.
Keep up the good work and stay positive. I think you've got a good handle on your situation and know exactly what you need to do to keep you and your girls safe and happy.
Bird,
The cutting thing is terrible in and of itself but I have learned the hard way that is a warning signal of other things that are going on or may be coming. I don't mean to scare you, but these other forms of self harm manifest themselves as eating disorders, unhealthy sexual relationships, substance abuse and even suicide. I hope your counselor talks about these things with you and your H. I do suggest talking to your d and snooping. Maybe you and she can spend more alone time together--maybe a weekend away--something to make her open up. Depending upon her school, you may also want to discuss with them as these behaviors may take place there.
Re getting tired of being strong? I hear you 100%. Here's where you really need a friend or faith, someone with whom you can be weak and let it all out. You need that. Cry and let someone else be strong for you.
I just want to say I am thinking of you and your daughters.
Please post/vent often as this is a safe place for support.
Thank you all for your support. D12 is my girl with some moderate special needs as well (ADHD,Aspergers). Coupled with middle school and puberty, this latest change I think is just too much for her. Our appointment with the therapist on Monday went very well. D tends to open up and answer questions directly when therapist asks them, as opposed to shrugging when I ask. She is a lot like H in that she bottles up her negative emotions and stuffs them down. I'm certain that's what eventually triggered his MLC, that and depression inherited from his father. It looks like D is on the same path. What's different for her is that she has me to keep an eye on her and make sure she gets what she needs to find a healthy way to cope with these changes and not to sweep it under the rug. The whole situation is just sad. Sad that her father first denied that it was actually cutting and sadder still that he thinks it could be multiple things and not the separation that's causing it. Therapist gave him a nice 2x4 on that issue but I doubt it penetrated his bubble. I'm exasperated with him because I think this can be pretty much laid on his shoulders. And yet he claims to want the best for the kids. I don't think this is the best.
Still working out how to compromise on custody and support in our meeting on Saturday. Practicing my debate skills and keeping emotion out of the negotiation. I wish I could take a nap for 6 months and wake up moved into a new house with the old one sold! Where's my fairy godmother??
Keeping you and your family in my prayers. They will deny that D or S has any affect on our children. To accept that means that they have to take responsibility for their actions and that would mess with the fantasy world that they have made up. Believe me, I'm living it too.
There should be a singles support group for survivors of a spouse's midlife crisis. We all know what it means to fight for your family and take care of them no matter what. It would certainly make for better options the second time around.
I can't get out of my funk since I got back. I don't know if I want to hold on to this rope. If he even wakes up, is that a mess I want to just wade back into? Right now I kind of want to set the whole rope on fire. Everyone says they're here for me, his family included. But day after day I sit here by myself trying to figure out how to do it all. I guess it's hard for people. If we put forth a reasonable outward appearance, no one can really see the torture going on inside. I'm tired.
Journaling... fairly quiet week. Trying to gather my thoughts to have this meeting tomorrow with H to go over the things he didn't like about the agreement. It's a very tricky thing when you're an emotional person like me. But I'm going to do my best to control the meeting and my emotions, and if it seems like we aren't getting anywhere, I will end the meeting and try another day. I'm willing to compromise on some items, but whether he can accept what I'm offering is another story entirely. I'll be glad when it's over. All the planning and thinking has given me a weeklong headache and I have work to do!
So H has been quiet since D's therapy session on Monday, but I got a call from his brother who wanted to check in with me yesterday. There are just the two of them in his family, and H has isolated BIL. They have always been really close and I know BIL is also hurt by his behavior. Anyhow, H tried to give his brother the story about how he's "thinking of asking OW out" (we are all 99% certain he's been with her for a while now). BIL called him out on it, told him it was adultery and told him he'd better wake up and start thinking about his family. I doubt it registered, but it felt good to have someone have my back so solidly finally. Also H's parents have cut off his money (they were paying his rent) and his dad said that if he is with OW that they will disown him. I expect things like that are why he keeps lying about her.
I miss H's family. We've been so close for 20 years and he has just decimated it. Also BIL told me that they think his mom had a small stroke in January and was dx with breast cancer this week. H had not told me either of these things. I've been keeping them at arm's length because of the conflicting emotions I have regarding their financial support of him but I did call MIL last night to catch up and talk about her health.
I'm so frustrated at what his behavior has done to his parents, his brother & family, my family, and obviously our own family. I'm furious that my little girl is cutting her arms with a razor blade and this OW is totally fine with the part she has to play in all of this. It is really helping me to detach from the situation though. At this point, he is not someone that I want to be with.
I feel ya, Bird. This has devastating affects on everyone in the family. Even though they are your in-laws, your love for them doesn't change...I know from my own sitch. They have been our second parents for such a long time. I'm glad they have your back, but realize that nothing they say to your H will make a dent unless he comes thru this fog of MLC.
My W's sister was her best friend, but when the sister stood up to her my W shut her out. It has been tough on my SIL and her husband. It has created a rift between her entire family in different ways. MLC affects everyone...no doubt. I will continue to keep you and your daughters in my prayers.
John 14:27 New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.
So, I feel like garbage today.
Had meeting with H on Saturday. It was at times tense; he lost his temper once and stormed out, then came back in and apologized. I kept my cool and was professional throughout. We came to an agreement on support & maintenance as well as custody. Leaving custody as is with the exception of adding an additional overnight every other week into the mix. This puts the kids with me 4 nights a week and him 3 nights a week. He will adhere to state's formula for support and maint and I will forego asking for reimbursements on medical premiums and a handful of other things.
So when I got to work this morning and plugged the numbers into a spreadsheet for each of us... he's left with so little. It's true he doesn't need such a high car payment and he didn't need to rent an entire home whose rent is higher than many people's mortgages. But still I just feel lousy. I think I achieved what I needed to achieve to take care of myself and my kids, but I feel guilty for what this is going to do to him.
Despite that he left, despite OW... I love this person and I hate seeing what his choices are doing to him. I feel like I'm the one doing the hurting. It really is true that no one wins in a divorce. I hate it. I guess all there is to do now is drop the rope and see what happens. Once the separation agreement is filed, we can either file for divorce right away on the basis that the marriage has been irretrievably broken for a period of 6 months, or we can wait a year and convert the separation to a divorce. Those are the two no-fault options in my state. I'm not sure what he will be doing. I think I'm just going to sit back and take a breath. Based on our conversation on Saturday, he is still deep in Replay so I don't see our situation changing anytime soon.
Sorry to hear that you are hurting, and you are right, there are no winners in divorce. Most of us on here have accepted that we were not perfect spouses, but we are the ones that wanted to heal and correct our side of things, and we are the ones that are standing. Stay strong and take things one day at a time.
Isaiah 40:29-31 New American Bible
29 He gives power to the faint, abundant strength to the weak.
30 Though young men faint and grow weary, and youths stagger and fall, 31 They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on eagles’ wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.
Thanks SBJ. I didn't count on feeling so guilty about his financial situation. But I guess the bottom line is the girls and I didn't choose this but we're trying to work with what we have. Supporting two households is just not economical so it was bound to look ugly on one side or the other.
I finally got to see a nasty side of him when we were having our meeting on Saturday. I've been wondering when he would stop being a martyr and start spewing. I have a feeling he will hold me to blame for his finances for the next 12 years.
I wonder if this is what he envisioned when he wanted to leave the marriage because he "wasn't happy"? This seems so much less happy all the way around.
I finally got to see a nasty side of him when we were having our meeting on Saturday. I've been wondering when he would stop being a martyr and start spewing. I have a feeling he will hold me to blame for his finances for the next 12 years.
I wonder if this is what he envisioned when he wanted to leave the marriage because he "wasn't happy"? This seems so much less happy all the way around.
Maybe, just maybe, the yard she is playing in will be brown and weed infested...haha!!!
Keep the focus on you and your daughters. Pray for yourself and your daughters. Ask that God cover you with his Grace and give you the peace that you all deserve. Also pray that your H's eyes be opened and that he sees the truth.
Two songs that I have been listening to lately are "Keep Making Me"
by Sidewalk Prophets & "Even If" by Mercy Me...they are inspirational songs and show me that He is all I need and at some time I will know that He is in control and His will will be done.
Then when I need a little blow off steam music I listen to a bit of Chris Stapleton..."Whiskey & You" is one of my faves.
Stay strong my friend...we've got this!!!
Thanks for the kind words on my thread...We will get where we need to be, but we have to take things one day at a time, let go and let God do alot of the heavy lifting.
Heard something serendipitous during my run this afternoon, will be adding it to my Dealing with MLC playlist.
I'll love you for my whole life through
I can't stand to see you sad
I can't bear to hear you cry
If you can't tell me what you need
All I can do is wonder why
Someday, someway aw
Someday, someway, yeah yeah
Someday, someway
Maybe I'll understand you
From Someday someway by Marshall Crenshaw
In other odd events, I had a dream about H last night. I have not dreamt about him in the 6 months since this happened. In the dream, I got out of bed during the night for a drink of water. I came back to bed and there he was, asleep in his pajamas right where he'd always be. I climbed back in bed, he put his arm around me and we went back to sleep. How is that for a brain craving a return to normal? Still trying to get it to accept the new normal. Someday, someway...
Bird, just wanted to say don't feel guilty about the finances. He broke up the m and there's less for all around. It stinks for all. Enjoy the beautiful weather. And that dream? Yeah, I keep dreaming my w will call off the d and work on the m.
Gordie ^^ nailed it! Please don't spend one more minute feeling bad about your H's financial situation. He put all of this in motion. This is a consequence to his actions. If he wants this D, then he will have to accept that if it happens, it will change things in every way for him.
Sometimes I think they are so enmeshed in their fantasy of what life will be like, they fail to really think about the consequences of their actions.
Happy Easter to all. I hope you're all able to enjoy the holiday with minimal discomfort from MLC spouse and the choices they've made.
Today reminds me of this past Christmas. So unlike the ways I've celebrated the holiday in the past. Did Easter baskets with the girls and then off to church without H which was the first time that has happened since 1998. Got pretty ready during one of the responsive prayers talking about God bringing his loyal followers to hope from dispair. Came home and H picked up the kids to take to his parents' for Easter dinner 2 hours away so I won't see them until later tonight. I had a peanut butter egg and a xanax and took a 3 hour nap. My various family all had plans of their own today so no Easter dinner here. Thinking about ramen noodles. I looked at tiny hams yesterday att he grocery store but it seemed to ridiculous to make Easter dinner for one.
In other news contributing to my sad mood, today is the anniversary of the first time H kissed me, 4/16/97. I still remember where we were and what I was wearing. I knew right then it was the start of something amazing, and it was for about 18 years. I doubt that the date has even registered in his mind. Well, off to work on the house some more so we can sell it.
I used to love these big family holidays but I think I'd like to just take a pass on them until my life is back on track again. They're too painful to experience right now.
Bird, so sorry today has been painful for you. It's very unfair that you didn't want this in the first place but here you are on your own.
This is my first Easter without H as well and yesterday I was spinning like mad but luckily I had lots of things organised for the rest of the time so I've been able to put the sitch out of my mind.
Next Easter will be better we have to hope for that. Happy Easter (((Bird))).
Bird, haven't heard from you in a while. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
As with you, yesterday was the anniversary of the day I met the OM. Yours was a positive and mine a negative, but we can only go forward. Yours should stand as a wonderful memory for you to hang onto. This batchitcrazy behavior that they are dishing out is a symptom of their condition. I know it hurts...trust me I do, but hang onto the good that you had, because at the moment he doesn't remember it. I read on here from someone else, that should they ever return, you will be the only way of him ever remembering what his past truly was like...or something to that effect.
Don't forget, you are never alone...
7 for we walk by faith, not by sight. - 2 Corinthians 5:7New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)
I guess it's time for an update.
H and I got our updated agreements in the mail from the atty this past Saturday. He dropped them off signed on Monday night. I signed and put them in the mail to her this week. I've decided to go ahead and let her proceed with the dissolution. It's just a piece of paper and I'm tired of the whole game. I'm tired of the lying and the cheating, and I'm ready to just move on and let him make his mistakes.
He's been at the house pretty much daily for the last week working on things to get it ready to list. We should have it on the market by next Friday. Hoping it will sell quickly so that I can find a new place for the girls and I and start fresh.
I don't know, maybe it's the spring weather. I'm just ready to make my own happiness and stop being dragged down by his unhappiness. It's been a year of emotional rollercoasters, preztleing, bewilderment and too many tears. I love him, but I love myself more. I'd like to find someone who deserves me, because at this point, he really doesn't.
D12 cut up her arm again, but thankfully told the therapist in her session on Monday and told me on Wednesday. I took her for a fresh haircut Wednesday night and allowed her to make an appointment to dye it blue. You only live once.
Hope everyone else is doing okay and finding your strength in this crazy mess. We all deserve better than what we've gotten from our spouses.
Hi Bird
First of all I'm so sorry for D12. Bless her, this is such an tough age for them but it's good that she is opening up and not beng too secretive about it. I. Worry about my D16 with this being the second break up for me. I feel like I have let her down and worry that she might go off the rails.
Please forgive my ignorance but is dissolution the same as divorce and why would it be a dissolution?
You sound like you are in a good place Bird. Getting to that stage when we don't twist ourselves into knots is refreshing. I feel like I have felt this way for so long I can't remember a time when I didn't feel anxiety.
Blue hair, sounds like just the thing for your D12. Oh to be young again and be able to pull off a look like that! Take care Bird. X
Hi Coly,
Thanks for your kind words.
I think dissolution is a fancy legalese word for divorce. In my state, the heavy lifting & negotiating is done for the separation agreement. That's custody, support, alimony - everything has already been negotiated and agreed upon by H and I. Once the separation agreement is in place for 12 months, your lawyer files the divorce papers and that's it. But there is a relatively new "no fault" condition here, where you attest that the marriage has been irretrievably broken for 6 months. So rather than tie myself in knots for yet another year, I'm going to go with that option. Once the separation agreement has been filed, I will have my atty serve him with the divorce summons and that will be it. If he wakes up and I'm still around, maybe we can work on it. But I'm not going to waste the rest of my relatively young life waiting on a maybe.
Bird,I admire your strength to make the best of a bad situation. Happy Mother's Day.