High Risk 180 Move! Need your thoughts and advice. - 03/23/17 07:44 PM
Hi all...this is a major question....
here's my history (formerly crw613...now LALost)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...586#Post2734586
Wife is about to do BD#3, and I think ask for D. We have been separated 6 weeks, I separated at her request, we started nesting for our 6 kids, crazy arrangement: we switch off with the kids EVERY NIGHT and move downstairs to a small one bedroom in our apt building alternate nights and then switch off on weekends...i agreed to this with the understanding we were going to try to work on the marriage...
now, wife is about to shoot MC#3 since she feels she is not "being heard" in the room during counseling, feels she is not getting anywhere with counseling, and flew out of the country for 3 days leaving me with the 6 kids.
So here is my 180 - I am ok with her proceeding with asking for divorce and starting the process - but I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT WHILE AGREEING TO THIS RIDICULOUS SEPARATION ARRANGEMENT!
In fact, I am planning on very politely telling her that I am moving back in, and not only that, I am going to move back into the master bedroom, because I have not felt comfortable being thrown out of the bedroom and asked to sleep in the guest bedroom for the last 8 months etc. In fact, I did not cheat on her or do anything. She just feels like she is not in love with me any longer. So - the boundary for me would be this message to her "look, you know i want to make things work, but i also need to take care of myself now, and I have not been able to sleep for almost 8 months, with the separation its been even worse. The reason is I have felt humiliated being in the guest bedroom, so Im going to move into the master, and you should take care of yourself any way you need.
if she needs to leave our bedroom, that is what she should do. I expect she will be very pissed, and maybe go hostile, but SHE IS THE ONE ASKING FOR DIVORCE, and I want to make it clear that I have consistently indicated a faithful willingness to work on the marriage - and in fact bent over backwards to give her the space she needed and demanded over these many months.
We have been to three marriage counselors, they have all agreed my wife is the "indicated patient" not me...in fact, they have all seemed to focus on getting my wife to look in the mirror during therapy, and stop playing the victim and spoiled entitled spouse - but she is completely blocked from being able to do this work.
The point is - im fed up now - in fact, i really feel like I've been a pushover in many ways i was scared of her, didn't want to rock to boat and assert myself, was just wallowing in my own guilt and shame because of how she was treating me. this may have really been the wrong tact - i did not show backbone and stand my ground, forcing her to live with the consequences of her request for separation (i.e. - go ahead and move out if you are not happy)
I have spoken this over with our child psychologist, who liked that i was asserting myself, and said "sure it may impact the kids, but you have to take care of yourself."
I spoke to two spiritual mentors who both thought is was a fine approach, as long as I was very gentle with conveying the message to her I was moving back into the bedroom, and not being vindictive.
Really curious to hear input on this bold move...its pretty much the bottom of the 9th in our marriage so Im not sure I have anything to lose by standing up for myself (and making it clear I'm here to save my marriage and my children who are suffering terribly from her decisions).
but, naturally, and as usual, i am fearful and worried i will upset her and she will just reject me even more or whatever...
Feedback???
here's my history (formerly crw613...now LALost)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...586#Post2734586
Wife is about to do BD#3, and I think ask for D. We have been separated 6 weeks, I separated at her request, we started nesting for our 6 kids, crazy arrangement: we switch off with the kids EVERY NIGHT and move downstairs to a small one bedroom in our apt building alternate nights and then switch off on weekends...i agreed to this with the understanding we were going to try to work on the marriage...
now, wife is about to shoot MC#3 since she feels she is not "being heard" in the room during counseling, feels she is not getting anywhere with counseling, and flew out of the country for 3 days leaving me with the 6 kids.
So here is my 180 - I am ok with her proceeding with asking for divorce and starting the process - but I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT WHILE AGREEING TO THIS RIDICULOUS SEPARATION ARRANGEMENT!
In fact, I am planning on very politely telling her that I am moving back in, and not only that, I am going to move back into the master bedroom, because I have not felt comfortable being thrown out of the bedroom and asked to sleep in the guest bedroom for the last 8 months etc. In fact, I did not cheat on her or do anything. She just feels like she is not in love with me any longer. So - the boundary for me would be this message to her "look, you know i want to make things work, but i also need to take care of myself now, and I have not been able to sleep for almost 8 months, with the separation its been even worse. The reason is I have felt humiliated being in the guest bedroom, so Im going to move into the master, and you should take care of yourself any way you need.
if she needs to leave our bedroom, that is what she should do. I expect she will be very pissed, and maybe go hostile, but SHE IS THE ONE ASKING FOR DIVORCE, and I want to make it clear that I have consistently indicated a faithful willingness to work on the marriage - and in fact bent over backwards to give her the space she needed and demanded over these many months.
We have been to three marriage counselors, they have all agreed my wife is the "indicated patient" not me...in fact, they have all seemed to focus on getting my wife to look in the mirror during therapy, and stop playing the victim and spoiled entitled spouse - but she is completely blocked from being able to do this work.
The point is - im fed up now - in fact, i really feel like I've been a pushover in many ways i was scared of her, didn't want to rock to boat and assert myself, was just wallowing in my own guilt and shame because of how she was treating me. this may have really been the wrong tact - i did not show backbone and stand my ground, forcing her to live with the consequences of her request for separation (i.e. - go ahead and move out if you are not happy)
I have spoken this over with our child psychologist, who liked that i was asserting myself, and said "sure it may impact the kids, but you have to take care of yourself."
I spoke to two spiritual mentors who both thought is was a fine approach, as long as I was very gentle with conveying the message to her I was moving back into the bedroom, and not being vindictive.
Really curious to hear input on this bold move...its pretty much the bottom of the 9th in our marriage so Im not sure I have anything to lose by standing up for myself (and making it clear I'm here to save my marriage and my children who are suffering terribly from her decisions).
but, naturally, and as usual, i am fearful and worried i will upset her and she will just reject me even more or whatever...
Feedback???