I am not sure of the etiquette about posting on someone else's link. Apologies if I am violating, I think this is the link to mine if it makes more sense to respond there:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2734655#Post2734655.When my H had an emotional affair when he was away during residency I told him if he had a PA I would be gone. I didn't go in Jan 2016 when I discovered that. He came back briefly and I told him if he left again he wouldn't be welcome back. Since then (October 2016) I've been looking for all the signs he's coming back.
When he left in Oct. 2016 he virtually abandoned our children. This is a guy who was at least outwardly a decent father who at least financially supported his children's very expensive and unconventional activities. In retrospect, he was checked out a long time and I was the link between him and the kids.
I think he broke up more permanently with the OW around Xmas because he got his own place. He has made references to being alone (specifically in response to a request that he stop villifying me, he said he had no one to villify me to). Suddenly since January his behavior has changed. He texts the kids for a while and as soon as they see him he stops. Then he vanishes again. Then a while later he starts texting them again. If they don't respond, he texts me. I make them see him. He comes around a while and then vanishes again.
He does some kind of temp check with me weekly. Sometimes shifty like moving money so I have to respond, a formal email that looks like he might use it in court (which he knows will make me respond), sometimes asks to see the kids, or asks about something they are up to.
Saturday he posted a poem about Odysseus and the longing of a father and husband to return home. He loves the classics. He knows well how that turned out. In November he posted a quote and specifically changed the word spouse to friend, so this is a change.
These are the mixed messages.
I am terrible at boundaries, as I've just established. But the way he is treating the children is unforgiveable. He has been texting them sweet texts twice a day for the last week. Suddenly they are personal and targeted to that kid. Not a generic group text to the two that was all he could manage previously. My son is very emotional. He has gone from straight As to a kid who doesn't turn in homework and lies. My daughter failed a class last term and is a graduating senior and still having trouble doing work.
Neither of them wants anything to do with him (or so they claim), but the moment he shows up and gives them attention, they eat it up and like me start to believe that he has changed. Then he vanishes again and I pick up the pieces as best I can.
I was always his rock. Supported the family for 20+ years while he was a teacher then went to med school, etc. The EA was when he had to go away for residency. Discovered in the Ashley Madison thing he had an unpaid account from years earlier. Then found out about the long term PA in January 2016 (had completely devalued me and was being horrific and I finally got him to confess and he asked for divorce). He is more secretive than anyone you can imagine, he lies constantly, he has been trolling dating sites until all hours of the night (I had a fake profile he winked at around Xmas so I can find out in a second when he has been on even though he has gone low profile), I know he cheated on the OW right after he moved out from some CL ads that I found out about from his phone bill. There are more bad acts but I cannot reveal them for legal reasons. Now he doesn't seem to want a divorce or won't raise the topic. My lawyer and IC who specializes in narcissistic abuse have advised me to sit tight until he wants it. The docs are ready to go when he asks for them.
He was a good husband (not a great one) until about 7 years ago. Since then he has been a liar, a rager, a cheater, and emotionally absent. I do not want that guy back--EVER. If he is NPD he will never change. If he is MLC it sounds like he might.
He now comes to the house (which he wouldn't do in the beginning). Sometimes looks me in the eye. Sometimes texts me like a normal human being about kid stuff. Seems to be experiencing some level of self awareness from his FB postings. Seems more checked into the kids (at least intermittently).
I've told him he can see the kids whenever he wants. All he has to do is tell me when so I can make sure they are here. He keeps texting them knowing they won't respond instead of just asking me for a time.
Last Wednesday (my last communication with him) I tried to call him because he was texting our daughter like crazy wanting to take her driving (she is a learner and this seems to be one thing HE actually enjoys doing with her). I called him to tell him she had oral surgery the day before and was on painkillers (and was really behind in school from her college auditions). He saw that I called and texted me saying that she wasn't responding and would she be available that afternoon. I responded and said "not in a good place. I tried to call to discuss but you didn't answer." He responded with "Yes, because I was in a meeting and not with my phone (I know he was off work). Let's drop the passive-aggressive accusations and focus on the problem at hand. I have one early morning meeting tomorrow and can head to ___. Will you have her ready to go by 10:00-10:30ish." I responded with "Wow." I wanted to let him know I thought he was over the top without getting into a big thing. This is typical of our interactions. In retrospect I think he thought I was blaming him for her troubles and giving him crap for not answering--I wasn't. I was just trying to let him know that I had tried calling in response to her not responding to him and his request. He takes every little thing I say and twists it in the most heinous way. Two weeks before that he was sending me nice texts throught the day about her audition and our trip. Then suddenly he stopped responding to me for two weeks until that exchange last Weds.
How can I deal with someone who sends mixed messages to me and the kids and then vanishes or rages when things start feeling too close for comfort. He told me in December that we were over and that I should look to him for nothing but child support and the occassional child care.
I cannot and will not live with someone who lies to me, cheats on me, rages at me, emotionally withholds from me, and dips in and out of the family at his own will.
If the guy he is now is the guy he is going to be, I am never going back. I am financially secure, kids are getting older, have a nice house, some friends nearby. Him not being in my life would be acceptable. BUT . . . he can use the kids as an excuse to continue hoovering/temp checking whatever it is for as long as they are in my care. He can screw with me until my alimony runs out (if he actually signs the separation contract he has agreed to in principle).
Because I see/hear from him so little, I could probably sit in limbo and give it more time IF I could stop feeling like I am letting him control the outcome with no say from me. Right now everything is on his terms. He decides when he contacts us and when he doesn't, when he comes over, whether he uses our bank account or the "allowance" he takes every month to his new separate checking/credit card account. He spews, projects, devalues, and withholds.
I have been very careful not to embarass him, out him, nothing. I stopped using FB, haven't posted anything about our separation or problems. Only my closest friends and family know. I do not want to jeapardize either his job (which is very well-paid and a good fit for him) or his career I have the power to do both, but that would be bad for my kids and being vindictive is not my thing.
Whatever it is, I think the guys is sick and confused. I don't believe he is in his right mind. I just don't know if he will come out of it and if there will be anything worthwhile for me and the kids if he does. I'm 47 (as is he). We were each other's first serious bf/gf. I've never broken up with anyone in my life. I don't know any other life. We grew up together. We accomplished many things. Our children are exceptionally talented and really great kids.
I feel trapped because in playing the big chess game of life all I see are the bad moves and worse outcomes. I don't want us to lose everything we have worked so hard for. This man I am dealing with is not the one I married.
I don't know why, but I love him despite the horrible things he has done. I worry for him and about him. I don't want the kids to continue to be fatherless. I don't want him to throw away his relationships with his kids/grandkids. I don't want him to commit suicide or lose his job or career when the depression hits (and I see it coming big time).
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