Here we are starting another thread!!
H has been gone since May 2016. Not much going on in the sitch really. I went dark for seven weeks and then met H for coffee last week. It put me all in a tiz and after H suggesting we meet again this week I have cancelled on everyone's advice here as I just i don't think I am strong enough.
I think I really need to go back to being dark again. It's going to be so hard and I am sat here at work and I can feel the tears welling up. I just want this feeling to end but it doesn't matter what I do these feeling if hurt, disappointment and anger are so overwhelming sometimes.
H just texted me back and said no worries and then told me he has cacelled his gym membership which I was paying for. I just really need to talk to him about everything. I don't know if I can take this silence anymore....
Coly,
Hugs to you this morning. Talking to him will not help to settle your emotions/feelings. You are hurting and disappointed w/what is happening right now. If you need to cry, then cry. Tears help us to heal too. I remember so well having this feeling of needing to talk to my xh about everything. I can honestly say, it didn't go well and I was hurt even more so by doing so because he continued to lash out and still wanted to remain separated and a divorce.
Come here to vent, talk or just to say "hey". I do not think your h is ready to talk to you about the relationship. I am glad that you are no longer paying his gym membership, but they do like to remind us in some ways that they are cutting ties w/us, i.e., by telling us that they are canceling this or that. Please do not take it personally. He is following the path of many others and they think by doing such things that it will erase us from their lives...it doesn't.
Take a deep breath! Give him time to do what he needs to do and you will have another chance to touch base w/him the weeks ahead...after all the holidays are coming and you'll want to wish him well when they arrive. For now, just leave him be. Take yourself out for a coffee later. Stay positive! At least he's not acting like a mean monster (like some of them turn into).
Take care.
I feel so hopeless again. I'm trying so hard to move forward but I feel like their is a mountain in the way and I'm having to go around and it's taking such a long time. I jut don't want to do this anymore....
If it helps at all Coly23 know that you are very much not alone on this. I hope that these aren't echos of my own doubts that are echoing in your head.
There were a few things that were said to me at this similar stage that helped me - maybe they'll help you.
- Is your life much different standing vs not standing? Live your life for yourself and not dependant on this question.
- You don't have to decide everything right now. Make your choice of standing vs not standing one day at a time. If you do wake up one morning and KNOW that you are done and that you won't change your mind, then on that day you're done. I believe that for both of us that that day isn't today.
Yes there's a mountain in front of you just like there is in front of me. Maybe we need to look in a different direction. There's a lot more landscape out there to explore and while it is pretty much the most important thing ever, there is more in the world than love. There is also joy. I remember on the morning after BD2 that I made the conscious decision to find and cherish one thing of Joy each and every day. This morning it's lifting the spirits of a dear friend and a warm cat on my lap (Two bits of joy!)
Hey Coly,
Stopping by to check on you...Andrew is right you are not alone...we are all here for you...it is a LONG process and I know how you feel. Maybe you feel worse because you saw him? I always take a step backwards when I see my W. I was doing really good moving forward and then today she talked to me for a minute at school...ugh...it is hard! I agree you will know when you want to stop fighting. Take some time, you don't need to make any decisions right now.
Hang in there!!
Coly
Just try to take care of yourself..It is very hard to keep up the R with them while they are in MLC
so
we move through many stages..b4 we get to acceptance
Your D will learn coping skills from you
it will make her stronger,,and you will be ok
The pain will ease--promise
Going though it is difficult..we only have to do this once-we get through it and its over
grief may take 18 months..If we avoid it , it will come up again
so Job said it
Feel it...allow it..lean into it..It will pass once we fully feel it and it may come again until we are on the other side and we all get there-
listen to tapes or speakers, get support from women,,find groups or therapy
find
spiritual help, exercise, rest breathe
Coly,
this is interesting to me- that seeing him physically triggers so much.
I know I am in the same boat- when I saw H on the street weeks ago it really made me upset. Moving forward, I will have to consider all of this carefully in my actions...
Coly,
this is interesting to me- that seeing him physically triggers so much.
I know I am in the same boat- when I saw H on the street weeks ago it really made me upset. Moving forward, I will have to consider all of this carefully in my actions...
Absolutely. It's like a physical tug to my insides for me which is why I try so hard to avoid it. I've never suffered from withdrawal of addiction to substances etc but I imagine that it feels like this - seeing something you want and knowing you can't have it. Even seeing what she does on Facebook some days will give me a twinge. It used to be that talking about her, hearing about her had the same effect but that seems to have died down.
Personally I've made the choice that I don't
want to see or talk with my W until she's "done baking". That's reduced the "need" to see her / snoop but it's still not easy.
Coly,
I am sorry things are still so hard. I agree with the others; allow yourself to feel the sadness, the hurt, the anger and then allow yourself to set it aside. As you can set it aside longer and longer, you can adapt your life to a life without him. Right now, he is controlling your thoughts and emotions.
With each interaction (even thinking about it) you have with him, you have more anxiety and hurt. I think that is because you are not safe to be yourself with him anymore--you have to be this person that is okay, resolved, and even content--and that is not staying true to your heart.
It is eating you up that you just don't know what happened and why. And so naturally you assume, that by having more information, may come some relief. He may be having a MLC, he may not. He may be having an affair, he may not. He may be confused and questioning if this is a mistake, or he may believe he has made the right decision and knows that he will never return to the marriage. He may miss you and think about you often, or he may feel guilty for hurting you and that is his only reason for being friendly....
So where am I going with all of this? Well, it is very likely that at least one of the above is true. However, none of us know. You may never know. However, I want to assure you that knowing will not necessarily bring you relief. In fact, if you were to learn that any of those things were true, still none of them (the positive or negative) will ensure that he will come back. Ultimately, you are looking for hope. Information is not hope, and it is more than likely going to be dissapointment.
I am not sure if this is helpful or more hurtful. I guess my point is that it is not the knowing vs not knowing that is causing your pain. Your pain is simply due to the fact that he abandoned you and gave up on you. It is terribly painful and traumatic. When you gave him your vows, you also gave him the power to break your heart and hurt you. We all did. It was a sacrifice we were willing to make.
But here is the good news. It is not now, and will never be, him that has the power to heal you. That is only you and will ever only be you. Whether he comes back tomorrow, or you never see him again, it is still YOU that can start that process. It is you that will get stronger and learn to love yourself like never before. It is YOU that will learn to love others again. When you are ready to let him go and pick yourself up, you will live a life better than you could ever imagine. He, nor any man, will ever get to decide your worth again. Some wo(men) never get the opportunity to learn this.
It has taken me many years on this painful journey, and I learn new things all the time, but this, THESE words above, I know they are true. I do not love my H the way I did before--heck, I may never--but I love myself more than I ever thought I could. Look at what I have been through? That makes me a survivor in my book.
(((Coly))) You have all the time in the world. You will get there too.
Blu
Morning everyone! Thank you all for your posts. I had to have a bit of time away from here just to recenter myself so apologies for not responding.
Job - thanks for linking my previous thread! I agree that he is not ready to have an R talk and I guess neither am I. Sometimes I just want him to take some action to get it over and done with. I know D is just a piece of paper but at least I will know where I stand and not feel like I'm in this limbo. He hasn't been awful to me really and that's what makes it harder, his indifference to me and the sitch.
Andrew - it's hard to keep going when i see things that are positive but to everyone else it is just breadcrumbs so I have to re-think everything again. I just want something something to hold on to but as much as my head says 'look he agreed to meet you after 7 weeks, that's positive!', in my heart I know that it may not be as positive as I hope.
Peace - I am trying to take care of myself. I go to the gym regularly and I've started eating better. I cry when I need to even at work! I am lucky that I have some really understanding colleagues! I just hate feeling so sad all the time. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I know I am in control of my own emotions but sometimes it's so overwhelming!
Altair/Andrew - the physical tug and emotions that come to the surface when I saw him was just so overwhelming more so as I hadn't seen him for seven weeks. It was especially hard when we said goodbye.
Hawker - I don't think I am ready to give up but every day that goes by i feel like I'm getting closer to that decision. I don't know what giving up looks like but like you say I'll know when I get there.
Blu - your right I go between wanting more information to maybe it's better not knowing. I still feel so hurt from this rejection I don't know how to move forward from it. I just feel like such a second class citizen, sometimes even comparing myself to all his friends who have managed to keep their marriages together. I just keep wondering, why me, what have I done to deserve this?
I know I need to start loving myself but there's the problem. I have never actually loved myself. I'm my own worst critic. I think it all stems from my grandmother telling me, several times, when I was small that she didn't like me very much and ever since then I do not think I am worthy of anyone. I constantly question the motives of people who want to be around me and I think that's why I end up pushing everyone away. I've really reflected on this over the years but I just seem to get stuck. I'm not having a pity party or wanting sympathy I just need to start trusting that people like me for who I am and that my grandmother was a cranky old woman and it was just one person's opinion.
Journaling. - I had a really good IC session yesterday. It was the first time that I didn't cry. We talked about my meeting with H again and we came to the conclusion that it was fear that caused me to react so badly. Not fear of what he might say or do or my feelings but the fear of not having seen him for nearly two months. I had built it all up in my head so much it all came crashing down around me when I did eventually see him. I gave him too much power I see that now. My IC seems to think that seeing H a little more regularly now after my period of darkness might help to aleviate that fear and take some of the fire out of the power I think he has over me. She has also suggested talking to him about the R but I'm definitely NOT going to do that!
I'm coming to the end of my free IC sessions but she feels I will benefit from few more and has suggested asking my Company if they will provide this. I think I might enquire about this as I think the face that I wasn't an emotional wreck for the first time since I started talking to her is a really big step forward.
Anyway, H texted me on Thursday after I cancelled on him this week to ask if we wanted to meet for coffee early next week and I agreed to meet on Monday lunchtime so again I can escape at a decent time! I need to take his power over me away and I think facing him is the only way I can see that he is only a man.
If he is wanting to see me then I don't think that's a bad thing is it?
Hey Coy,
Still reading along. Please try to work on those so you can love yourself. I struggled with this and didn't even realize it until I took a class on mindfullness as part of an MBA. The professor required us to have 1 on 1 sessions with her and it was basically like a psuedo IC. I learned so much, and I guess luckily, everything came crashing down on me during this time which let me reflect even more. Anyway, the point is that it is something very important to work through.
Of course it is not a bad thing.....as long as it does not send you spinning! You just have to go in there with zero expectations (it really has to be zero though, not just telling yourself its zero) and enjoy the time. Don't but degrees on positives. Just take it as a positive sign and file it away/ Don't think of it as more or less positive.
Hang in there! You are doing great!
Thanks Pinn. I do need to work on loving myself, but I think it will take time as I have had this mindset for such a long time.
Just had coffee with H and it went really well. I was nervous beforehand but it was actually really nice. Zero relationship talk and when we left I got another kiss and hug and we agreed to meet up again for coffee next week. Just baby steps for now...
Excellent! You did a great job on meeting up w/him today. I think that as long as you keep your expectations zero, you'll be okay. By not over reacting to his kiss and hug and lets him know that you aren't going to put pressure on him. He needs to feel "safe" and that's okay...just follow his lead and allow him to continue to come to you.
Baby steps will eventually turn into adult steps...but it takes time.
Thanks Job! I also had a really good session with Chuck, DB Coach, and he was really pleased with my progress. I'm just going to try and relax and not think about it too much!
Wow Coly...you are doing super!!! You have come along way girl!!! Way to hang in there!! (((hugs)))
Good for you Coly!
I would not mention meeting up again... let's see if he pushes to meet next week or not. That's what I would do.
Keep it up
If he doesn't then just let it be for a while.
I agree w/pinn. He needs to be the one to initiate the invitation. Allow him to pursue you for a bit. If he doesn't contact you, just let it go. Trust me, he'll contact you when he's ready.
What are you going to do to relax?
What are you going to do to not think about it?
Did chuck give you homework to DO?
Thanks everyone. It's going to be very hard to not try and arrange something for the next week but I will try. I can't make any promises though!!
Hey Roist - good question! Not much relaxing at the moment as work is really stressful but I am hoping that will take my mind of it a little. I'm also going to attempt to go to the gym at least four times this week!
No homework from Chuck. It was my last session as well. He seemed really positive with the progress and told me to stop being so negative when I said I thought H looking happy could have been because I hadn't been around him for seven weeks!!
I am going to try and not have any expectations although that is an expectation in itself! This could just be him poking his head out for a little 'look see' at what I'm up to but I'll accept it a as a positive step for now...
Coly
sounds hopeful
This is probably a good time to just take a breather --from all the pain
relax and take care of yourself
make some new friends or pick up a hobby
I started playing guitar 3 years ago..lessons,, in music schools band--so much fun-
Hi Coly,
had to chuckle about your H looking happy comment. I could see myself doing the same thing- so I won't! ha!
I'm interested in that-- I wonder if your H is feeling happier.
I truly hope next time I see H he will be happier. It was rough to see how troubled he was all these months. I hope he gets better.
Hey Coly....how are you doing? Just stopping by to check on you! ;-)
hey coly!
great job on continuing to work on you & trying to let him engage you. I too need to do a better job at that. hang in there!!! you're doing great!!!
Hi everyone, sorry I have been MIA again. Not much going on at the moment.
Peace - I was actually taking guitar lessons going on three years when BD happened and I stopped because I just didn't feel strong enough at the time to do normal things and now we can't afford it anyway.
Altair - I don't know if he is generally happy or really happy to see me. He says very little theses days!! Although we have arranged to meet up next Friday again.
Hey Hawker I'm good thanks just so tired of DBng all the time!
Cheesy - I don't know about doing a good job! I keep doubting myself but H seems keen to meet up even though he isn't actively pursuing me.
Today I asked H if he wanted to meet me and D in the city he is living in to have a look around their Christmas market and grab some food. It was short notice and he was already going out so he suggested we could do it Sunday instead. I'm sitting for my sisters kids on Sunsay morning so I said he and D should go ahead but he wanted to try and work out the times so I could come along. In the end me and D decided that we keep to our plans and go today rather than Sunday.
The point of this is that in the past I would have done everything I could to accommodate him, even changing my plans to suit him. Today I felt liberated that I stuck to my original plan even if it meant I didn't get to see him. But you know what, me and D had a lovely time and we are going to try to do this more often!
Happy weekend everyone!
Coly
That is awesome that you took care of you and D
very nice..glad it went well and I think its a total plus to not turn our schedule around for them-
have a good night
Coly, great job sticking to your plans!
That's the sort of change I am trying to make stick, even though we are piecing. It helps keep us from falling back into the emotional fusion trap.
Good for you Coly, and I'm glad that you and your D had a nice time regardless. I would sit back and let him initiate next time if he wants to see you...and if you don't hear from him for a little while, don't worry about it and just make nice plans for yourself.
xx
I agree.Not bending over backwards was a good choice. Ye had a good time and you let H know you won't put yourself out "just" to meet him.
You are doing great
Keep going as you are.
Thanks for your comments everyone.
Journaling. - I had a great day yesterday. Took my D and niece to a dog rescue centre as D really wants a one. I'm still very apprehensive as I'm not an animal person! I go between maybe getting her a puppy so we can bring it up ourselves or an older rescue dog because it means we are giving an abandoned dog a new home. The trouble with this is a lot of them have serious issues and can't be around children. We saw some lovely dogs at the rescue centre but none suitable for our family. However the thing that worries me about having a puppy is that I work full time and I'm not sure how we will look after it. I'll have to have another think...
The dog rescue centre visit did help to take my mind of things but I felt my emotions bubbling at the surface all day. When I finally went to bed I had a good cry. Just feel so hopeless. I just wanted H to text me to find out how we got on at the market. I don't know why he is so resistant to just general contact. He is lovely to me face to face and especially as he is so keen to meet up so why can't he just drop me a simple text, I don't understand...
I think I'm starting to feel anxious about Christmas and D's birthday. I expect everyone else on here is feeling the same about the holiday season. I sometimes feel like I want to go sleep and when I wake up its all over with and everyone can tell me what a lovely time they had and then I know I didn't spoil it for anyone. That's what I am afraid of....
Hi Coly, I'm glad you had a great day yesterday. Maybe you and your D could do some volunteer dog walking for a little while and see how you feel?
As for your H, one of the challenges for all of us is to let go of needing to have our needs met by our spouses. He isn't in touch because he really doesn't have that to offer now. And if we poke and prod, it just makes things worse.
Maybe just say to yourself - next week will be an H free week. I'll just let him toss in the wind and I'll do some nice things for me. If he's in touch, no problem - but otherwise, just go about your business.
I understand how you feel about the holidays and I do think the first year has to be 'got through' rather than enjoyed. But I hope you will make some nice plans with friends and family and get through it as best you can. We of course will be here too.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend :-) x
Hey Coly,
I think it is great you went to a rescue to find a dog and not buying one!! ;-) I think Sotto has a good idea, go walks some dogs with your D and see how they interact maybe? Puppies do take alot of work, and I also know Senior dogs don't get adopted usually. (My friend works at a rescue). I have 3 rescue dogs and they are awesome!!! One is skiddish around kids but the other 2 are fine. My friends have 8 rescue dogs...hahaha....I think the staff would help you out on a good fit!
(((hugs))
Oh! And my other suggestion is - are you aware of the 'borrow my dog' website? I know we can't post links....but you may want to have a look. You can search for local owners and doggies who may need walking etc.
When XH and me were together, we regularly walked a neighbour's dog. It helped her as she was 80 and loved the companionship, but struggled with the walking regime. For us, it was great as we got to do the whole family and puppy walking without the full time commitment.
Xx
Coly23 - Sorry for not visiting recently. I hope you are doing better today. It's perfectly reasonable to feel anxious right now about all sorts of things - I certainly do myself.
Bringing in a new family member like a dog is a big responsibility. My D24 and her H just adopted a 2 year-old who seems to be fitting in well. An crucial thing in my mind though is that I believe that a well-trained dog is a joy to their family and themselves. Sadly W's dog isn't - but she took him with her so not my problem. If you do want to continue on this path perhaps look for an older dog that is already trained and perhaps belonged to a senior. They will often be hard to place because people don't want older dogs - ask at the rescue centre about that perhaps. Being able to move from their existing home right into yours would be a lot less stressful for the poor pup. Ex-show dogs sometimes come available as well and are generally incredibly well trained. Even more than training the dog, the "puppy parent" has to be trained even better. Perhaps investigate that first with D15 - make it a project.
The birthday will be fine - you can do this. What does D15 want to do? Make it a small adventure with the two of you and a D15 friend. Don't plan it around H but maybe let him know what's happening, that you've got it under control and that you'll send him a picture (job can perhaps clarify if that's a good idea or not).
I'm going to pretend that I'm job now (no giggles please imagining job with a mustache and bow tie) and remind you that your H is on his own journey and is still baking. You won't hear from him any more than I hear from my own W while that's happening. Even occasional messages from them probably cost them a lot of effort to send. The best thing you can do for him and for you and D15 is to leave him be. He may pop up around Christmas and the birthday but just think of that as a "squirrel sighting", don't scare him, let him look around and then go back into the oven to bake some more. You are his lighthouse - keep shining my dear - there's lots around you to see. It's a great big beautiful world.
Thanks for the cuppa - see you again soon.
Hey Coly,
I think it's perfectly normal to feel anxious about the holiday's coming up. The unknown is a scary thing. One thing my IC told me to remember is the lack of say stress or tension that comes with the holidays. Perhaps throughout out your holidays you and H may have had tension or you worrying about this or that with H, you won't have that anymore. I know in my case since W and I are from two different cultures with a different language there was always a worry is my W understanding what's going on, is W enjoying my family, are my nieces and nephews including SD as one of "them"? little things like that I will not have to worry about but can instead enjoy my visit. Just something to consider.
hang in there, you're doing great!
Thanks for your comments everyone! The jury is still out about the dog although I get daily puppy pictures from D in the hope that they will win me over!!!
Journaling:
Really not doing good at the moment. This time last year we were getting excited about Christmas although I now realise that H wasn't. I am so mad at myself that I used to get so controlling and worry about such trivial things at this time of the year. I regret it so much and wish that writing Christmas cards was my only worry this year. No, in fact i yearn for that now. I just feel so pathetic.
H is probably happy that he doesn't have to put with me this year. He can just enjoy the festive season without all the stress that comes from me. I hate myself so much at the moment.
Hi Coly,
First time commenting on a another person's thread so please bare with me...
I really understand where you are coming from. The bit you wrote in journaling I could have written word for word this morning as well. Coming up to Christmas is a particularly difficult time as it normally is such a happy family time...my kids and I have decided to do something completely different than normal this year so hopefully it will help. However, there will be a huge void where my H should be!
As far as getting a puppy...my H and I got a puppy ten days before BD and if I had to do it over, I would not have gotten him even though he is a lovely dog. My kids are a bit older than yours and were away at university so I was left to try to look after him and try to train him...I was in no shape to do that so he still pees on the floor every night even though he is now a year old. Every morning I step in a puddle:) Having said that he is a huge comfort/distraction for my kids...so maybe rescue dog that is already trained would be a better option...
I hope your day gets better! xx
M55, H54
S26, S22, D20
EA/PA 03/16
BD 01/16
Sep 04/16
Hi Coly, I share the regrets about stressing over trivia and that impacting on our daily life. Don't beat yourself up over it, but it is useful learning. I have certainly become more relaxed about 'small stuff' and it does make life a little easier and improves my relationships with others.
Try not to mind read about your H - who knows if he is looking forward to the festive season without 'your stress.' He may be dreading the holidays....there may be things he misses...who knows...
For me, in the first festive season, I didn't want to see anything relating to Xmas. I just didn't feel like doing it. It helped me to think of it less as 'the festive season' and more as a single day - on which I had plans and would get through - and I did - as will you..
Whilst introspection is helpful and it is good to recognise your part, do also try to forgive yourself for not being a perfect wife. We are all flawed, unique and beautiful individuals and that makes the world go round. Try to speak to yourself as a compassionate friend would do - we can all be harsh self-critics at times...
I do hope you feel a little better soon. Do you have any nice plans this week?
Xx
Coly,
Don't do this to me Coly, I need you in the game! we can do this.
A couple of pointers: you really should focus on D now. She'll leave for college so these times are precious!
I read somewhere, maybe here, to volunteer, do soup kitchen work, whatever to realize how good we have it. I am going to see if I can do that.
I'll let vets confirm but I think it is a bad idea for us both to re-examine last holiday season. I know I am entering dangerous waters when I do it myself, it fills me with an incredible sadness. I'm trying to take Job's suggestion, of, what if H had died? How would things be different now? I think it helps. In that frame of mind, he's not mad at me, having more fun than me, or anything. He's just gone. And here I am, in my life, building anew.
I just wanted H to text me to find out how we got on at the market.
This is one of the reasons that we advise about going dark. It isnt just to impact our spouses, but it's for ourselves as well.
If you didnt tell him about the market, you wouldnt have been disappointed that he didnt text you about it.
Coly/Altair
Its odd for me as Christmas comes up too. One thing that might be different is that for the last couple of years especially Christmas hasn't been as big of a deal for W but it always has been for me <long story about W and her family and Christmas redacted>.
For me it's been somewhat freeing this year. A bunch of things that we used to "always do" such as waiting until December for decorating and such no longer apply. I already have some decorations up now and it feels good. I've also usually been disappointed with what I've gotten for Christmas but this year I'll be buying some things for myself - I'm thinking new flannel PJs - wrapping them and putting them under the tree for Christmas morning which I am hoping to be able to spend with S22 in person and D24 remotely. No card or present is planned for W so that frees up a fair amount of money in the Christmas budget for me.
So - don't look at it standing backwards looking at last Christmas, look at it forward and think "what do I want to do that I couldn't before". Then find some Bing Crosby, crank it up and get a batch of cookies (home made or from the bakery) and put on some jolly. Later sit down with a nice glass of 'nog and see if you can find the Alistair Sims version of a Christmas Carol - I personally adore that version and will be watching it myself.
I do feel sorry for our spouses - we are here knowing that we are great people and that we can openly share our love for each other and the world. They are trapped in their squirrel tunnels looking out at what they are missing. I feel particularly bad for my W because she does actually love the Christmas. The ornaments that we used to hang that showed our love for each other will stay in the box alongside her stocking which I have filled with treats for more than half her life. None of those things or those memories are with her which whenever I think about it makes me sad and want to rescue her but then I remember that I've been fired from that job just like you have too.
Know too - we're here for you love. Sometimes we have to paint on our smiles.
(((Coly23)))
Question about Thanksgiving (realizing now why AP and Coly aren't posting/stressing about tomorrow OOPS)
Just in case/being hopeful:
what do i do if I get the 'happy tday hope you are well text?' do i ignore or respond with one short text? (reminder: his choice for us not to talk "for awhile so he can sort out his feelings" I'm tellin ya, he is DBing me- WTH?)
He'll be nearby, with his family (I went last year). I assume no invite for me for any of the family stuff :(, just wondering best idea if i do get a text tomorrow or over the next month or two. Hugs, thanks for the hijack...
Altair
I would respond cordiallyand very brief, but maybe take your time
Happy T
Coly
Stop being so hard on yourself. Spinning I guess. Give yourself a break. Look at your intent, your endeavours, your integrity. Caring for your M, D, you and an undeserving H (at times). Stop the cycling. Only you can.
Moving forward. Christmas will be different for many this year. Me and kids too. However, I am going to ask W what she feels would work best as I have kids Christmas Day and Christmas Eve. She is welcome but will need to put kids first. Hopefully she will. If she doesn't then I will shower them with love and fun.
Yes it's going to be different. It different can be good and would be a damn site better than her still here and spewing etc.
Keep that chin up.
Surfer.
Altair
I would respond cordiallyand very brief, but maybe take your time
Happy T
I agree with all of this--cordial, brief, and with a delay in response.
Coly, I agree with he others. Don't beat yourself up. None of us were or are perfect.
Have you sat down with your daughter and talked about what is important to each of you about the holiday season? I second the suggestions to be open to trying things you didn't feel able to do when you were with H.
Thank you, thank you all so much for your support. I've managed to climb down off the ceiling after reading here and D telling me that everything will be ok. I don't know what I would do without you all!
Sosad, thanks for visiting. I think I am dreading Christmas because H made so many traditions for us like making our own advent calendar and Christmas crackers. I will miss that so much. I love your puppy story. I am worried that I will end up doing all the work if we do get one and I'm a tad squeamish when it comes to the bodily functions of any animal!
Sotto, If it wasn't for D I think I would have booked into a retreat somwhere far away until the festive season was all over! I still can't stop blaming myself for what happened you know and I'm finding it hard to forgive myself. I hate the fact that I'm such a worrier and I get stressed when things aren't gong my way and I think I put that into my H too. I think he just wants a quiet lijpfe and I complicated it for him too much.
This weekend in taking D to look for prom dresses and then going to lunch at my older sister's for bil's birthday. How about you?
Altair, how are you doing? I feel like I am letting the side down with all my spinning! I do sometimes feel foolish when I realise that in the scheme of things I really haven't got it that bad. I think your right though, I need to block thoughts of him out of my head although that is easier said than done! I think I am also mad at myself for breaking NC. I don't think I had days as bad as this during the seven weeks I did it. I'm going to go back over my thread to see but I'm sure I felt better. I think it's the hope that seeing him again brings....
Darkness, your right I shouldn't have said anything about the Christmas market, I really wish I hadn't. I think I need to go back to being dark again it helped with my anxiety before so it's obviously a good thing.
Andrew, thank you for your post. I like the idea of buying myself something and putting it under the Christmas tree too! I think as I said to Altair, I need to block him out if my thoughts. At the moment my thoughts are of him visiting our friends with gifts for their kids and getting comfortable under their Christmas table while they make a fuss if him. It makes me mad and sad that we no longer count as his family or even friends.
Hey Surfer, thanks for stopping by. I do feel very stuck at the moment. Sometimes the hurt I feel is so overwhelming I don't know what to do with myself. But especially now, coming up to Christmas, I feel my emotions becoming unstuck. I think it helps having my D around though. At least I know I have to make it special for her....
Keeping a journal and meditation both really helped me in the early days with spinning thoughts. The meditation helps calm them a little and the journaling helps get them out of your brain. I don't journal much nowadays, but I do still meditate - particularly when I find my stress levels rising.
Did you carry on with the yoga? I really recommend that...
Xx
Coly,
So, you mentioned the Christmas Market. Now, you need to leave it be. You may not realize it, but you are trying to rush things a bit in the hopes that he'll want to pursue you and reconcile quickly. You don't want to come across as being "needy" in wanting to spend time w/him. He's got to figure out himself and come to realize that you and your D are the ones that he wants to be w/on his own. Put the brakes on pursuing. If you don't he's going to pull back. Go back and re-read the thread on Pursuit and Distance...it might help you a bit more the second time around reading it.
Go out and have some fun w/your D this weekend. Looking for prom dresses should be a fun time and just bonding w/your daughter over this special event will create some new memories to cherish later on.
Now, about Christmas, make some new traditions. This year is going to be a different type of Christmas because your h won't be there, so it's up to you and your D to make new traditions and ones that you can enjoy. Put your tree up in a different spot, change the decorations up a bit, plan to go out to a museum or a movie or better yet, invite some friends over for hot cider and munchies. Visit the hospital ward for children, a nursing home, work the cafeteria line at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. There are so many people out there that could use your support and help this holiday season. Whatever you do, do not sit at home and brood.
As for your h, don't mind read. They may appear happy, but I can assure you that they aren't. They aren't going to be much fun to be around when they visit family and friends. They'll feel uncomfortable because the memories of yesteryear will come creeping in and they sure can't fight those happy memories for very long. I can attest to this because my xh walked out 12 days before Christmas and I was told just how he behaved and it wasn't what I thought he would behave.
Now, you've got some ideas...what are you planning to do in the way of new traditions this year?
Coly, feel the pain, cry, yell or beat the stuffing out of a pillow and then let it go. Each and every time you do this, it is a way of healing. I know you can do this. One last thing, do not initiate any contact w/your h. Allow him to come to you and it's okay to mention that you and your D are doing things...but at this time, I wouldn't stick my neck out too far and invite him along...he can't miss you and your D or the many wonderful things you do together if he's still right there in the mix. He needs some alone time and lots of space to realize that home is where his heart should be.
Coly23 - Just a thought on "spinning". I'm wasn't completely sure what you meant by it originally but I think I might now.
Back in September I fell ill and had a high fever. As I lay there in bed terrified and alone, different scenarios involving W and her family kept running over and over through my brain - as if the same short video kept playing but with minor changes and I was stuck in it playing a part. My IC had given me some "mindfulness tools". First I had to recognize that what was going through my brain wasn't real and wasn't happening and that it was just thoughts spinning around. Then I used a mental image of a scrub brush as if I was scrubbing the film from the mental TV and putting it aside. I also tried Monty Python screen transitions but that didn't work as well for me. I do like scrubbing and making things clean though. It didn't work for long but I did get better and better at it and by the second day when I started feeling better I could actually focus on things.
I don't know if this is the sort of "spinning" you are having but if so, maybe a similar compartmentalizing then conscious removal may work for you.
Take care and gobble some turkey for me.
Spinning is anxiety. Anxiety is fear. Fear is the loss of co-dependency. Let go (become independent, you - not co-dependent GAL etc) and detach and you won't fear or be anxious. Then you actually can't spin, even if you try.
Surfer.
To me (and this doesn't negate other definitions) spinning is an out-of-control mind. Thoughts spin and jumble, and keep arising, repeating themselves. Memories get rerun and analyzed over and over, with bleak thoughts and emotions as outcomes.
This is where the yoga, the meditation, any exercises and reading comes in.
For me, my mind is still spinning, obsessive and cluttered. Fear, too, is there but it is fear of seeing H as much as fear of not seeing H. Other original fears (such as losing H over NC) have subsided. I know it requires focus and work, but to stop my spinning mind has been quite the challenge.
Exercise, yoga etc is 'practical' detachment. Particularly CV exercise.
When you do this your mind is already occupied in 'fight or flight mode' so your thoughts can't use this 'mode'. Try thinking deeply about your situation for more than 20 secs uninterrupted when your heart rate is 150 BPM and you are on a treadmill.
Surfer.
Coly,
Running might not be your thing. It doesn't matter. What matters are those GAL activities that occupy your mind. They are very important. Even if it's just a walk. Talking to others too. These things stop overthinking.
Surfer.
How goes it Coly?
Feeling good after my month of NC-- need to snap that rubber band!
Hi everyone thank you for your comments. Surfer, I do like running but we've been so busy at work I've been too knackered to go to the gym!
My mind has definitely been spinning Altair exactly the the way you have described it. I tried yoga but I really wasn't for me. I have seen a learn to sew class in a nearby community centre which I might try. I need to try something different to what I usually do which is going to the gym. Well done in your month of no contact. I remember how tough that was but I didn't spin as much as I am doing now so it was definitely worth it. Keep snapping that rubber band.
Journaling - saw H for coffee again today. It went really well. The previous two meetings I was very tense and felt like I was putting on a show but today I was too tired to be something other than myself and it really helped me to relax. We are meeting for coffee again next week. That is all....
coly,
here's a question. Any evidence of an OW? Does he seem depressed when you see him? or coming out of something? Just curious as our situations are so similar. On my end, at this point I probably don't even want to know, but there's no evidence of an OW.
Thanks for the edit Job!
Hey Altair, as far as I know there is no evidence of an OW and as far as depression goes he seems pretty normal to me but he could be putting on an act IDK.
We were talking about D's birthday and Christmas presents and the fact that she has such expensive taste! He's going to look into a few things that we can get her together because we really couldn't afford it on our own and it seemed like a pretty Normal conversation.
I had IC yesterday and she asked me what the first sign would be that he wanted to try again and I said off course it would be him asking. However I don't know if you remember me stupidly texting him just before I went dark in a fit of fear and asking if we can start seeing each other once a week to start to rebuild and he said not at the moment? My IC thinks this could be one of those signs but I'm not convinced yet...
After coffee we had some really good text chat about my phone and whether I should renew it but then I pushed it and went a step to far and tried to keep the convo going and he shut down and hasn't responded back. Watch, monitor and stop making the same mistakes!!!
Coly,
Like me. You seem to be the one that sends the last text. It comes across as needy. It is actually you loving the 'company' of your H.
I think think this is a skill for life. Just short brief texts. Just one if you can and always in response if possible.
Positive steps. No expectations however.
Surfer.
Great advice surfer.
Sounds like you are doing well Coly... keep it up! I would step back a bit now and see if H initiates anything.
It's easy to want to add just one more reply, but as you probably agree having a short 100% good exchange beats easily one that ends on a lower note.
Don't stress over how it finished. Just be mindful next time to not try to prolong it.
Plus there are hundreds of reasons not to do with you that texting replies died down quickly.
1. Problem with his phone.
2. Lost signal.
3. Got tired.
4. Headache.
5 match on TV.
6. Talking to you inspired a great Christmas present for you and he had to go get it immediately
Etc etc. Maybe it is none of the above but there are reasons other than shutting you out. And even if he did want to stop chatting with you there are umpteen reasons too.
Don't assume the worst. But do leave it up to him to dictate this.
And maybe he is giving you what you asked for before going dark. It is possible.If so that is great, BUT he maybe still unsure. So absolutely no pressure is key.
Best wishes
Thanks everyone for your comments. H eventually responded to my text on Saurday morning! I've learned my lesson and Roist I agree it could be any of a number of reasons why he didn't come back to me. I've just got to stop building stories in my head!
Long post alert!
Journaling - Did some GAL on Saturday. I met a friend for breakfast and she brought her scrumptious 5 month old son. I could have stayed cuddling him all day! Me and D then went to look for prom dresses later on in the day. She looked stunning in everything she tried on and got lots of lovely comments from other customers in the store. She has chosen her dress now and is very happy! Then the weekend went downhill from there on...
When I returned from prom dress shopping I noticed I had a text from the wife of H's friend. The one who told me she was fed up of my self pity, blah, blah, blah... I haven't spoken to her since September, mainly because I was really hurt by her comments but also I decided to stay away as I still feel quite raw from everything so I wouldn't be much good to her. The text started off asking how me and D were and went on to tell me that H had been over at their's that morning helping them move some furniture and he mentioned that we had met for coffee. She said that she was so happy that H and I were able to remain as friends.
I was sooo annoyed with this text. Why you might ask? First of all I asked H to not tell anyone about us meeting for coffee because I didn't want all the gossip. Secondly H has never helped me with anything since he left and thirdly I realise I do not want H as a friend. I asked her if H had told her we were just friends and she said that it was just an assumption on her part. I reminded her that we are still married and I met my husband for a coffee and not a 'friend'. I do think she wants me and H to maintain the status quo so she it can make it easier for her.
Anyway H asked me to call to let him know how the prom dress shopping went and although I was seething I was very pleasant when I explained how we got on and then I let him have it, both barrels. I couldn't help it, I was so mad that he let me down by telling our friend about coffee. It all came flooding out. I told him how I do not want to be his friend, how he had abandoned us/me, how easy we made it for him to move on, how we should have a chance to draw a line under the past and try to rebuild, how I thought his behaviour in ignoring my texts or not answering for hours/days was passive aggressive. I think that shocked him. I asked him again if there was anyone else and he said no. He said he didn't want to come back and I told him I agree that he shouldn't come back but that it didn't mean we couldn't start to rebuild our marriage whilst we live apart. He waivered and I asked him if we could talk and he said he would see us today after work. Afterwards I was a mess. D was so angry with me! She told me there was no point in DB'ng if I just did the opposite of what I have been advised to do. I was ashamed as I had cried a lot down the phone to H. Sunday was a write off! D cancelled brunch with H as she was annoyed that he still didn't want to try to fix our family. We just hunkered down together and licked our wounds.
Now I can count on one hand the amount of texts H initiated since May but early Monday morning I got a text saying 'Morning! Shall I bring pudding tomorrow night?' Wow I was shocked to say the least and then we had some really nice text exchange about house stuff but it wasn't the usual business like texts it was like I was texting the sold H.
So tonight H came over straight from work. He brought pudding and Christms chocolate and lottery cards to make our traditional advent calendar. We were sad that it was just for me and D but pleased that he had remembered our tradition. He then went up into the loft to get our Christmas decorations down. He changed into some joggers and a pair of trainers he found in his wardrobe and got to work to bring everything down. He then asked if he could buy us a Christmas tree and has offered to take us on Sunday. He has also agreed to start coming over again once a week and also for me and him to go out once a week. He left his joggers and trainers back in the wardrobe...
After H left I got a text pretty soon after he must have got in to his flat to thank me for dinner and to say that he will pay for D's joint Christmas/birthday present if I pay for the prom dress. I think the present is much more than the dress. Again, this is the first time he has initiated a text after we have seen him.
I feel a little like something has slightly shifted but I don't know what as yet. D told me tonight that although she was upset with my outburst on Saturday it might actually have been a good thing because we all seem to have relaxed a bit and things weren't so tense this time around.
I'm looking forward to getting the tree on Sunday and we are also going to grab some lunch. Tonight I also got three kisses on the lips from H throughout the evening...
Wow Coly, that's quite an update. I'm not sure what to make of all of it. Isn't it interesting? A month or so ago, I would have been jealous and thought "I'd KILL for meetups and kisses!"
Now, not jealous, just hopeful and happy for you, with a dollop of concern that vets might add to.
The trainers detail is interesting to me. There's maybe three things H accidentally left here. He took every last single thing that was his. And gifts, stuff we bought together, he left. So I do have the lion's share of 'nice stuff', he took every speck of his, which I over-analyze too often, especially comparing that to people on this board like you, where we know they left tons of stuff behind.
Anyway good to hear from you Coly, try to keep calm and validate!
Coly - my dear sweet friend - I don't know what to say. Some goodness happened? I'm proud of you for the venting / being the real you. Sometimes we hold it all in so tight afraid of giving offence and that isn't healthy either.
Fingers crossed for you. I wish we could share pictures so that I could see how fabulous D15 looks in her prom dress.
It's not a huge mistake IMO. It is contrary to DB principles about keeping your cards close to your chest. Breaking down and being emotional is not attractive,so try to avoid further episodes. That being said emotions are all part of being human. Being human is good. Don't dwell on that.
Letting out emotions is liberating and is helpful for you. We are like emotional pressure cookers and pent up emotions do cause us to come under pressure. The key is to find the release valve to reduce the pressure.
Look into ways you can release this pressure before exploding.
Job can correct me if I am wrong, but IMO sometimes being open and honest regardless of the aftermath can be useful. As long as it is not love proclamations or pleading to come back. Stating your miscontent with current situation instead of just supporting it in silence, widens their view of the M. It creats a doubt that you will always be available later. Plus it shows you value yourself. Most spouses may view this as pressure and bolt.
The fact that your H hasn't is good BUT it will take him time to assimilate this and fully contemplate his long-term reaction. His knee jerk reaction was in the right direction but take it slow to see if his actions continue that way.
Lastly reign in those expectations. Keep them low and slow. I am o, t. t trying to dishearten you. This is positive, but he is not committed yet.
Best wishes
Coly,
I really like roist's posting to you. Your expectations need to remain very, very low and keep things on the slow track. Your h isn't baked up fully yet and it's going to take some time for that to happen. Also, just be mindful that the holiday season is starting to gear up and many of the MLCers do tend to be more present in our lives at this time of the year and then disappear after the holiday season. So, please do not put all of your eggs in one basket...keep some hopes in reserve for now. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but I don't want your expectations to get so high that if he does distance himself again you won't be disappointed and hurt.
Now, about your friend. You can respond to all of her questions honestly...but don't discuss your relationship w/her any more. If she asks about it, advise her that it is a work in progress. I find that when people tell me that my xh has done something or asks about him, I just tell them I am not discussing that part of my life w/anyone. Generally, the old saying goes "a dog who brings a bone and will carry a bone", i.e., in other words, a person who tells you things will also take what you've told them and share it w/others, i.e., possibly your h.
I know you get discouraged and frustrated, however, that's why we call it the MLC Rollercoaster of emotions. One day is up, the next is down. You need to detach a bit more and keep moving forward. If your h wants back, he's got a lot of work to win your heart over again. Don't be too quick in taking him back w/o him doing the hard work.
He's inching his way along, don't rush the process and give him plenty of time and space to miss you and your daughter and the life you had together. He's definitely not baked up and ready to commit just yet.
Wow Coly...nice update.
I hope for your sake that things go the way you want them but try not to get your expectations up too much!! You never know what our S's will do....I am hoping for the best!!! Stay strong and take it SLOW!!! ((hugs))
Thank you for your comments everyone!
Altair, I'm confused about the clothes and stuff as well. I wonder if he doesn't want any of it as it represents his past. IDK, he's had so many opportunities to take it all.
Andrew, I was definitely wound very tightly and it only took that one text for the spring to suddenly unwind out of control. The anxiety I feel from keeping everything in is so great sometimes that I wonder if it is worth it. I certainly would rather I was in control when I said everything but it all happend so fast!
I wish I could share with you all how D looked in her prom dress too!
Roist, I'm afraid there was a little bit of pleading but mostly me getting very angry at the way he is treating me. I didn't plead for him to come back though because I know that it wouldn't work if he did as he is not ready but I did ask for us to have another chance to work on our marriage. IDK if it pushed him into some sort of action but what I do know is that H would let everything drift if he had the chance and it is causing me a lot of anxiety.
Job, I do think the time of the year has a lot to do with it but mostly I think it's because it is D's birthday. H doesn't get sentimental about Christmas at all really. As for our friend, I'm not talking to her at the moment. I would rather stay out of her way than let her have an excuse to tell me I should be over it by now.
Hawker, keeping expectations low but enjoying the increased contact with H. He seems less tense now. I think we all do.
So I got another text from H this morning to say my car is due its annual MOT and did I want to meet for coffee to have a chat about it. So we met for coffee at lunchtime and he told me that he would take my car to the garage for me next week and pay for the MOT. After Christmas he will arrange for a service as he cant afford it this side of Christmas. H has a company car so doesn't need to pay anything so I think he feels guilty! Oh well, he doesn't pay for anything towards the house so I'm not going to refuse his help.
We also discussed how upset D looked when H had asked her to help him put all the chocolate and lottery cards into the pockets of the Advent calendar. Usually everything is in threes as there are three of us. So the first three days of December will have chocolate Santas then the next three days will be lottery cards and so on but because it is only me and D at home she set it out for just the two of us while H watched her with a puzzled look on his face. When she finished he went to hang it up and I noticed he was swapping things around and I thought he was doing it to make sure she had a chocolate Santa on her birthday but when I looked he had set it out in threes again! I just thought it had to be that way for her to have the Santa on her birthday but when I mentioned it at coffee he said that D can have his chocolate but to save his lottery cards for when he came over! So H has included himself in the Advent calendar even though he doesn't live here! Very strange behaviour indeed!
I also mentioned that we are going to my Sister's for Christmas day and he very unenthusiastically said he will probably go to his brother's house although he hadn't arranged anything. I did ask if he wanted to come to dinner on Christmas Eve and he accepted but said he would also like to come over on Christmas morning. I offered for him to stay in the spare room on Christmas Eve and he accepted.
H also told me that he is not going to go to his Company Christmas dinner and as his department Christmas dinner falls on D's birthday he isn't going to that either. I think to a little sad really as he has always enjoyed going out at Chrustmas! He has also offered to make D her birthday cake. I know it sounds strange but he is a very good baker and cake decorator!
Anyway enough of H! I've got my first office Christmas office dinner tomorrow. I've got my Christmas jumper ready but can't partake in any drinkies as not only is it a school night but I've got to be up early on Friday to go into London, rubbish!
Coly,
I think you are finally getting it. Anything that your h does for you and your daughter...be sure to acknowledge those gestures w/a thank you. He needs to know that his acts of kindness are being recognized and appreciated.
I believe your h is cooking up nicely. Don't rush the process. Allow him to come to you and whatever you do, keep your expectations very, very low.
Continue moving forward!
Thank you Job, I certainly have been thanking him for everything he is doing for us as I really do appreciate it.
I've backed off now until I see him Sunday unless he contacts me before. I'm treating him like a frightened squirrel. He seems to have moved towards the food in my hand but is still a little frightened or too stubborn to take it!
D mentioned this evening that we should make every visit he has with us really enjoyable so he will want to keep coming back. Yep, that's exactly what I am going to try and do!
Hey Col... quite the interactions. I like your plan! Let it flow until Sunday.. easy breezy.
Sounds like you have a great relationship with D.
I too love your R with daughter. And her not so subtle 2x4s. Glad you have her in your corner.
Best wishes.
Hi there. I've been meaning to tell you: I actually love that you finally gave H a piece of your mind!!! If I recall, you had never expressed your dissapointment to him, understood why he left, and it has been eating you up inside. I think some call it white anger, and if channeled correctly, can be very effective.
You see we focus so much on DB principles here--detach, GAL, 180, no R talks--that at times we may lose sight of the individual variations in each sitch. Now if you were doing this on a daily basis and lashing out, we would all tell you to stop and put the brakes on. You don't strike me as that type of woman at all. Coly, was this perhaps your 180? You stood up for yourself and said enough is enough!
I totally agree with the advice you are getting tho. Keep your expectations as low as you possibly can. Try your best to keep your focus on you and D. Keep up the self care and GAL actvites. Always value yourself more than the M. You will be fine in life with or without him!
(((Coly)))
Blu
Coly23 - Thank you for your earlier visit and the cookies. I thought I'd stop by with some butter-tarts (a Canadian treat that we rarely allow "foreigners" to know about) and a return hug.
I hope you are keeping well and enjoying the weekend.
(((((Coly23)))))
Hey everyone, thank you for your comments!
Pinn and Roist, my D is very good at dishing out the 2x4s for sure and they are never padded or soft always hard and to the point!
Blu, great to hear from you! Yes your right I think this was a 180 for me. A lot of the anxiety I was feeling was because I felt I couldn't express my disappointment with how H was treating me and D since he left. I was off course annoyed that I had cried and wish I was a little more controlled but I had so much pent up emotions cel I started I just couldn't stop. However I definitely won't make a habit of doing that again! I think DB is great as a guideline however as you say each sitch is different and so are the two people involved. Assessing and adjusting to suit you and your sitch should also be a really important part of DB'ng.
I have a question - one of the reasons why H said he had to leave was because he wanted to be on his own and be able to see his friends whenever he wants like packing to go away for the weekend at the drop of a hat blah, blah, blah. He assumed he would be able to achieve this because a) D is not his biologically and b) because she is older and doesn't need so much looking after. Do you think we have made it too easy for him to achieve this lifestyle by not setting a proper plan for him to see D? At the end of the day if we had a child together he wouldn't be able to achieve this fantasy anyway. I'm annoyed that he assumed he would be able to have as much freedom as he liked and just leave all the parenting to me!
Coly,
It wouldn't matter whether your D was his biologically or not. He would still have run and would still have stated the reasons for his leaving. You have to remember that he's in MLC and they run from responsibility of any kind. His comments remind me of a teenager/young adult who wasn't allowed to do some of the things that he wanted to do back in the past. Maybe his parents were strict about him going out or going on trips w/his friends.
As far as making it easier for him by not setting up a proper plan for him to see your D...I don't think so. Again, they don't take on responsibility and they all think that the children will be okay w/their leaving. Since your D is older, I would have a chat w/her to see how she feels about her dad not being around much. You might gently ask her if she's asked her dad to spend time w/her and if she hasn't, gently suggest that she reach out to him during the holiday season, but remember...you can't force either of them to reconnect w/each other...the bridge needs to be forged between the two of them by them.
I also agree w/Blue that there are times when you have to state what's on your mind, but like Blue stated, don't make a habit of it. Truth darts are to be used sparingly and you will need to decide which "battles" are worth fighting.
Coly, you aren't alone in the solo parenting arena. Each and every poster who has children has experienced the "solo" parenting. Take a look around the forum and you'll see that you aren't alone. It's going to take a lot of patience to deal w/MLCers. You aren't dealing with someone who is an adult frame of mind, but someone who is thinking like a teenager and we need to remember that many of us were the same way back in that time period...wanting fun and excitement w/no responsibility or accountability.
Breathe! Dig deeper for patience and keep moving forward.
With one child who is as old as your D is, I would have assumed that he would be fairly free to take off on trips with short notice anyway.
Has he wanted to go on trips before? How did you respond?
Coly, I think people have different opinions on the role/responsibilities of step-parents, and especially after seperation. Your D is also old enough to have an R with him outside of your M. So it's not so simple to say what you should do to facilitate that or what he should do. I am of the position that if you marry someone that has children, then you assume a role as a parent to that child if the M survives or not.
Your H was the adult when he met your D and he remains the only adult in his R with her now. I think it is up to HIM to keep that R going with her. I don't think it's fair to you that you have to worry about their R so much. I also don't like that H wants freedom and feels more entitled to it because she is not his bio child. That's crap and incredibly selfish. He marrried a woman with a child and he cannot simply unchose that role and modify it (if this is the case).
However you cannot control him nor I hope that you want to. I think it's not attractive and I would question how much you want to be with a man that can be so selfish. Is he having a MLC and not thinking clearly? Is he deeply depressed and in crisis? If these things are true, does that make his beaviors and neglect more forgivable? I think only you can answer that. I am still not sure he is having a MLC (I don't see it in your posts) or if he just stepped out of his M, having an A, or just wants his freedom and cake too.
I just don't want to see anyone use the term MLC as an excuse or rather explanation for hurtful behavior. It is still the actions of another person and they are still responsible for them. I may be too harsh, but this is how I feel.
My H is not the bio dad of my oldest child (now an adult). His actions hurt her tremendously and her being a troubled teen was deeply affected by what she saw happening to me. Long story. He damaged his R with her and it was something that she has to learn to forgive and it was another strike against him that I have had to see past.
All things to consider as we choose a partner in life. My H has had to do some major work to proove that he is not only committed to the M but to oldest D as well.
Blu
Hello everyone! Thank you for your posts and sorry I haven't responded in a while. I'm just finding it hard to put things down in writing at the moment because I'm bit really sure what to think of my sitch at the moment.
The only trouble with not posting regularly is that this is going to be a long lost so apologies!!
So since I last posted H came over last Sunday and went out with us to buy a Christmas tree and we also went out for lunch. When we came back he helped us decorate the tree and it was actually a really nice day. On the Friday before I was on the train into the city and got a missed call from H so texted him and he said that he was calling D but as out phones are connected on the cloud I got it as a missed call. So without thinking I asked if he wanted to go for a drink that evening as D was out and he came back and suggested the cinema. We had a lovely evening.
On the Monday H came and picked me up really early and took me to the train station, as I had an early train to catch, and then took my car to the garage for it's annual test. He then picked me up and dropped me home in the evening. He was due to stay for dinner but was full of cold so asked if he could take a rain check. Although we only showed concern both myself and D were a little disappointed.
I realise when I don't have contact with H my mind just spins out of control even when I am GAL'ng. I just can't seem to switch off. When I woke up on Tuesday I saw that the Christmas tree had fallen over and for some reason that made me tearful so I worked from home and just cried in between calls and actually working! I texted H to let him know the tree had fallen over and that me and D had a go at sorting it out. He offered to come over to tweak it either on the Thursday or Friday as he still wasn't well earlier in the week and agreed to come over yesterday (Friday) to sort it out and have dinner with us. Again we had a lovely evening. H brought wine and pudding and some chocolates to hang on the tree (I don't know if you have that where you all are but here in the UK tree chocolates are a must!)
My observations are that since my melt down with H he seems to have softened slightly. I no longer wait for hours/days for a response to my texts and he actually keeps the conversations going unlike before when I got very short responses in which he made sure no response from me was required!
This week we have also had some chat about D's birthday. As I explained before he has offered to make her a cake and suggested we meet for brunch this morning (Saturday) to talk about it and go and have a look at some cake tins for hire (?). Unfortunately I had to decline as my parents are over this morning helping me with some stuff. It got me thinking though that my request for one day a week for the both of us to go out and also having a day a week to spend as a family is going to be difficult to achieve at this time of the year so I texted H with another request/solution. I suggested that we should spend as much time as a family as possible during this time to rebuild as a family and then in the NY we can look at how he and I can move forward in order to rebuild our relationship.
As soon as I sent the text I felt my stomach flip over and regretted it! I realise I am very impulsive (you all probably realise that by now too!!) and that is a trait I need to control more. I started winding myself up thinking of all the different responses I could get including the one I got before which was 'not at the moment' or 'I can't promise anything' or just plain 'NO'!!! When his text finally came through I didn't look at it for an age and in the end I 'screwed my courage to the sticking place' and opened it.... He said 'Yeah, good idea' and then proceeded to tell me about a restaurant he booked for D's birthday.
Not sure what to think. His response seems positive but vague. I know what I am doing is working because we all seem to be much more relaxed however because of the vagueness I am worried that I'm going to start to push for more certainty and then in turn push him away.
I agree with Blu in that I'm not sure he is having MLC but I do know he seems a little depressed so I need to tread carefully. Does this look like we are going in the right direction or am I just trying scrabbling for breadcrumbs again? Heeelp!!!
Hi Coly, your post presents a picture of you perhaps pursuing and pushing a tad too much. You spin when you are not in touch and so you prompt contact in order to reassure yourself. However, relying on a MLCer for reassurance isn't a great plan (understatement!!)
I think it is a good idea to apply two principles to your interactions with him. Firstly, let him lead a little. And if the 'leading' is 'distance' let that happen. Secondly, reciprocate (rather than initiate) and do so with around 75% of his enthusiasm.
It's really important to allow MLCers some time and space to process things. If you are regularly in his space, he may not get the chance to do that.
How can you work on feeling more stable and comfortable, even if he isn't in touch for a little while??
Coly23 - Can you pass the jam biscuits please? I adore those things. It was annoying to me when Marks and Sparks closed up in Canada.
job often writes using different words that this is a special time of the year. Missing spouses pop up out of their tunnels and may scamper around in the snow. It's the sustained interaction that happens after the tree is put away and calm of the new year is underway that matters.
Looking at this from a male perspective there are two different ways of looking at it and I'm not sure which one is the right one. Perhaps you might have a thought on it.
Many men - including myself - see ourselves as "rescuers". A damsel in distress triggers all sorts of protective instincts and we will rush in on our noble steed (mine is called Rocinante - you can look it up if you like). Once the rescuing is done and the damsel is appropriately grateful (something my W was never good at) we get a bit lost.
On the other hand he is showing a genuine interest in you, D15 and enjoys spending time with you. He is probably missing you and family time during this special time of the year and is making an effort it seems to be there for you. This is a good chance for you to make him feel special and loved and I think it can be done without pushing into his bubble too much. It is very true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. We love to feel cared for and cared about - perhaps why so many men are attracted to waitresses - I don't know. The next time he comes over, don't make a fuss about it, but if there is some sort of fresh baking be it scones or biscuits that he is fond of, have some there. Don't make a scene about it or push them on him - just an "Oh - did you want to try some [insert favourite treat here] that I just made for D15 and I". More than any love notes, that will warm his heart and make him remember the contact fondly. Think again of the squirrel metaphor that I wear out with over-use. Squirrels are attracted to bird feeders and over time will get quite brazen but at first they are timid.
Finally when I read your posts most of the contact and interaction seems to revolve around you two with not a lot of focus on him. If you get the chance, listen to him. Take an interest in how he's doing and remember the details (one of the things I loved about my own W). We've not heard here on how he's doing on his own journey - have you been giving him a chance to express himself and talk about how he's doing? It can be done without pushing or pressing.
That's all for now - sending you ((((Coly23)))) and thanks for the tea.
Coly,
I agree w/Sotto 100%...you are pursuing and pushing too much.
I know that my 2X4's will sound harsh...but you need to back off a bit. The Christmas Tree falling over was not an emergency and it could have been taken care of by you and your daughter. If you wanted him to know about the tree, you could have let him know about it the next time you talked. You are looking for your h to rescue you and reassure you that he's still out there. You've got to learn to take care of things on your own and only if there is an emergency, then call him. You are coming across as being needy and he's eventually going to step back to catch his breath.
Whether he's a MLCer or a Walk Away, we would use the same techniques...give them space and time. Yes, you are impulsive and I think you may be a bit insecure in the fact that you think you need to be in your h's sightline and give him reminders that you are still there. How can he miss you when you are in contact w/him periodically? Coly, give him the space he needs...he's not going to miss you if you don't and you are actually serving up his cake on a silver platter and he's eating it too when you are inviting him to things. He needs to sense the loss of your company and doing things w/you and your daughter. Step back, allow him to initiate invitations and lead some. This is his dance and you need to learn to be patient, snap that rubber band on your wrist and find other things to keep your mind busy so that you aren't tempted to text him. Just because he's quiet for a while doesn't mean he's not thinking about you because he is. After all, the holidays are here and he's thinking about you and your daughter and the fun things you've done in the past. Give him the time to truly miss you.
Keep your expectations at zero at all times. Again, I can't state this enough...back off some, allow him to lead/come to you and do not call him unless it is an emergency. If he contacts you, be friendly, listen to what he has to say and if he invites you to do something, then it will be up to you to either accept or decline...but don't come across as being too readily available and waiting by the phone for him to contact you. Time to make some plans for you and your daughter. It's time for your h to sit back, think about things and actually work on himself. He can't help you if he can't even figure out what's going on w/himself.
Hi Coly,
Impulsive person here (raises hand)
I forgot about chocolates in the trees, my family never did that (nor lit candles in trees lol). I have no idea if this is true but it seems to me that in the States with the proliferation of dogs and cats in the house, chocolates in trees seems to be a bad idea. I know I had a dog at one point that definitely would have knocked down the tree to eat chocolate. Would get it whenever she could, there'd always be a day or so of panic, thinking the chocolate would kill her. Never did. My 2 cents: obviously you are emotional, and wanting to holidays to be happy and 'perfect', but your upset emotional state is most likely coming through loud and clear to H. Like others said, you are being needy. And pursuing! You've got to somehow break the pursuer/distancer cycle-- for now that would be to back way the F up. You should back up to let your emotions settle, not to get him to chase you (duh). I hope you can dig in yourself and find peace that is not connected to H. In that way, you'll be able to see more clearly.
Coly, I am concerned for you, and much in the same ways I am concerned for other posters here. The reason that DB focuses on GAL, 180s, and detachment is because that is what works. It may not work to bring the M back but it is the only thing that works to heal the self and move forward in life.
I don't see you doing this. I see you focusing on H--where he is at and what his next move will be--and you are very dependent on him for security and a false sense of happiness. This is unhealthy and I would strongly urge you to do some reading on breaking codependency and codependency no more.
Let's step out of the details (who texted what, and when, the tree and chocolates, your pursuing, etc) for a moment and look at the bigger picture. Your H picked up and left you and your D with no explanation or care for how you are doing. This is cruel and painful and it's okay to be angry.
I sense that you are feeling low about yourself and hoping desperately that he will come around. That is/was all of us to some extent. Keep in mind that you can control the former but not the latter. You can learn to feel better about you but you cannot control or influence if he comes back.
You have high expectations that he will come back around. And he very well may. What can you do in the mean time to be okay without him? Do you honestly need a man to decorate a tree and pick it up when it falls? I used to be that woman and I cringe to think of it now! ... If he does come back to work on the M, then what will you expect of him? Are you not hurt and angry for what he has done? Do you not deserve better than to just allow him back in your heart and life and trust he won't hurt you again?
You see I think he should be doing and saying these things BEFORE being granted entry back into the M. He is not a mouse in a hole that you need to tiptoe around. He is a man, husband, and a stepfather with real life responsibilities. I would like to see you expect that of him first and foremost. This is what you deserve.
I think it's time to take focus off of his every move and do what is needed for YOU, so you can learn what you actually deserve from a man. If you think this is what you deserve then this is the real issue at hand, not salvaging the M.
2*4 with love,
Blu
Thank you Sotto, Job, AP, Altair and Blu. I accept your 2x4's with love.
Just digesting your comments but currently too emotional to respond at length. All your comments are valid and make perfect sense. Just need some time to think...
I'm wearing out your elastic band here so thought I'd reach out to you instead of W. Hope you're doing OK. Has the prom been and gone yet?
((((Coly23))))
Hey AP! I know what you mean about wearing out those elastic bands, I think I'm going to need a replacement soon!
I've been feeling very tearful over the last few days. Weekends are always a slog when I don't hear from H even if I am busy which I definitely was this weekend.
The prom isn't until May but like buying a wedding dress they all order them in early!
What's making you 'ping' that elastic band of your's AP?
Coly - I know how you feel about weekends. Sundays are usually the worst for me - W and I would usually spend the day together having "adventures" like grocery shopping, breakfast out, visiting over coffee.
I think you would be one of the best here to understand how I'm feeling right now. I thought I was doing great up until I had coffee with W and then visited with S22. Up until then I had actually more or less given up on her returning and was just cruising along through until the new year when I would then perhaps face my choices more directly. Seeing
any positive signs such as the news from the kids that they are hearing from her a lot more lately adds on hope. And since people usually find what they are looking for, I see lots of positive indications that W may be waking up. But then I have the calming voice of job to not get my hopes up too high. I've had to stop myself multiple times from contacting her to suggest another visit. Reaching out with an olive branch "feels right" but could go very wrong. I perhaps need to be Noah instead of the dove and wait for the olive branch to be brought to me. That poor man must have suffered waiting though (sorry if the Biblical reference is obscure to some).
I just reached out to SIL2 - who is a personal trainer and can always be counted on to say the
right things to me. She also knows W the best of the SIL army and has been one of the people that W has been reconnecting with. I laid out my thoughts to her this morning and she came back with the sweetest comments that stoked up the hope furnaces a bit but more importantly made me feel good about myself. I hope you have someone in your life who can do that for you.
I'm still going to need that elastic quite a bit to get through the rest of December.
I'm so grateful for people like yourself who understand what we're going through. I can understand how and probably why you are feeling tearful. Do you have any Christmas music you can blast and help with the jolly? I had to remove a few from my playlist but it's still pretty long. You can do this GF - to quote a more manly type hero - Red Green (a Canadian thing) - and a line he uses at the end of his segments where he talks about middle-age - "I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together". Links are frowned on here but I'm going to cheat - hopefully this survives for a while and gives you a smile seeing the other side of the fence.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q29u0WCiCUQ
Hey AP, thanks for the link that really made me giggle! I'll definitely have a look at a few more of his sketches!
Unfortunately that little taste of reconnection with out WAS, even small, is a real killer isn't it! It doesn't matter how many times you are told and you tell yourself to keep expectations low, as time goes on those expectations grow and grow and all those months of trying to detach go straight down the toilet!
As you know I have been a very bad DBer and yes I have done a bit if pursuing but I see it as if H didn't want to see me he would say so surely it's doing something that works because he is accepting 98% of my invites. My H is quite lazy at pursuit so I think I might be hanging around forever if I don't take the initiative every now and again! Saying that though I am pulling back on the contact. I'll wait for him to contact me now and see how it goes.
I think only you know how your W is likely to react if you invite her for coffee again. IDK, maybe the time of the year might be a good excuse... Waiting for my 2x4s again!!!
My problem is I want H to be on my timeline, which is now (!), and when it doesn't happen it sends me spinning! D told me this evening that she can see progress and that we are in a much better place now than a month ago and I guess I have to take that positive.
I think AP you have much more restraint than I do but I am grateful that you understand how difficult it is to maintain that restraint and why I've not been very good at it! I would have and did arrange to meet H for coffee a week later after our first meeting but the more I got the more I wanted. That's the killer!
I've not had the stomach to put Christmas music on yet, mostly because it's D's birthday first so thats my priority, but also I just can't seem to get into the spirit of Christmas as yet.
Forgot to say. The jam biscuits you were talking about that you like were they jammy dodgers?
Forgot to say. The jam biscuits you were talking about that you like were they jammy dodgers?
Those are the ones! I think I'm going to do some extra searching. I allow myself one box of cookies / week which is perhaps too much but carbs = happy some days. I will also get a sweet treat from the bake-shop once every few weeks - she does amazing half-sized cupcakes. I am thankful for the kind and supportive people all around me that have helped me get through this. And for cookies and biscuits of all sorts.
I'm going to snap the elastic a few more times and try to continue to resist the urge to invite W out. One major difference between our situations is that I do in fact know that she is watching me quite closely. It got rather meta because now she knows that I know that she knows what I'm up to on SnapChat
It does help me to know that she's still holding on to her end of the rope. As job writes so often - at least to me - "trust the system". That doesn't stop me though I feel from presenting a calm, safe and loving image - but one that is occupied with their own life. The fact that it's not very exciting - today's Facebook update was that I'd finished my charitable donations for the year and was encouraging others to do the same - is perhaps a better thing than naked skydiving. W "did" make a point of asking about the MLC car I posted on SnapChat though - perhaps naked activities might be just the thing? One of her co-workers at the shop made a point of mentioning how good I looked on Saturday ....
Take care of yourself my friend. Sorry for taking up so much space on your thread with my story. You are a kind and friendly person to talk to and I hope it has been a pleasant distraction. Enjoy the Red Green - he is a "manly icon" at least here in North America. Not bad for a guy who essentially started out on public television.
Mmmm jammy dodgers sound good. I didn't know there was a brand of them, normally I'd get that kind of thing in a bake shop-- I like fruit in my cookies! much more than chocolate.
Observation: yup, you two are struggling in the 'keep expectations low' department.
This is good to know, and realize and think about. I can easily see myself making those same mistakes... or perhaps I did after H moved out and we'd still see each other from time to time, I don't know.
Main point: we have to Stockdale this. No expectations, no timelines, no rush, no worry.
I realized I've been keeping track of NC days so I stopped!
Hi Coly, I am fairly new and spent some time reading your sitch. Our timelines seems similar and I can relate to many of your emotions. I could not stop crying at BluWave's post near the beginning of this thread. It is still pretty fresh and raw for me much of the time.
No words of advice or insight from me - I am struggling along with you. Just wanted to say hi and let you know you are not alone. It is whole list of painful "firsts" this past 6 months without H. Good news is, they are almost done. Think how far we will have if we have to face them again. How much stronger. I keep telling myself it certainly cannot get any worse. Only up from here.
Altair - it is a double edged sword! I so love seeing my H but I want more and yes it is very difficult to keep my expectations low! By the way I used to hate Jammy Dodgers when I was young because if it didn't contain chocolate I wasn't interested and fruit based biscuits do not appeal to me I'm afraid!! Now in my old age I don't mind Jammy Dodgers so much. Hey it's a biscuit (or as you would say cookie) what's not to like!! I love the Stockdale Paradox Altair i am going to try to implement it by the new year! :0)
D_Rose, thank you so much for visiting my thread. Like you my emotions are still all over the place. I still seem to cry at the drop of a hat and I don't know about you but I dislike being in a crowd of people these days including my family, I just feel so left out and alone. I can't wait to get home. Christmas is definitely going to be a struggle but I'm trying to get it into my head that it is just another day and we make it what it is. I am looking forward to this year being over though!
Journaling - I've been getting organised for D's birthday and Christmas. It's been good for me actually as I've had to be super organised seeing as I'm on my own this year so I've not had a lot of time to wallow. Another good thing is that H has bought and paid for D's birthday and Christmas presents. He has also suggested that we continue to do joint presents for both our families which saves me a bit of money.
Myself and D went late night shopping tonight and bumped into H. I could tell He was waiting for his hug and kiss from me but to be honest I wasn't in the mood! He looked confused and kept asking me if I was alright! It was very strange though to think this time last year all three of us would have gone out together and now it's back to being just me and D. One thing I noticed is he looks at me the same way he used to before BD, I don't know if that means anything but he seems much friendlier and engages with me in much more conversation.
Since my last big post in which it was obvious I was pursuing H like a mad woman I have pulled back on initiating any contact. Somehow I can almost sense him waiting for me to contact him first but I held off and he eventually sent me a text yesterday about D's birthday presents. He is also coming over tomorrow night to have pizza with D as I am out at my Company's Christmas party. I have a very figure hugging dress to wear to the party which is a 180 for me as I hate showing off my figure! However now that I am a stone lighter since BD in May (I really didn't have a stone to lose though!) I have decided to flaunt it a little! I shall be home fairly early as I am not drinking and it gets pretty messy after 6.00pm since the shenanigans start at 12.30pm so I will hopefully have the opportunity to show H my new dress...
I'm going to have a very busy weekend to. I've got friends coming to stay Saturday and I'm doing lunch for them (roast beef) and another couple who live nearby and then on Sunday morning I'm doing bacon rolls and pastries for our friends and family in honour if D's birthday. Her birthday is actually on Tuesday but she is having a party with her friends in the evening and H is taking us out for lunch during the day. D's birthday is also Christmas present swap day for the family so Sunday will be exciting!
Just wanted to say thank you to you all for being so wonderfully supportive. I know I am a ruminater and spinner and I dwell on things too much. I am getting better I promise but I am just too stubborn to accept that this is my sitch and that is why I do stupid things like text H to tell him that the Christmas tree has fallen over! I'm just replacing my worne out elastic band for a stronger sparklier one to get me through the festive season... :0)
Yes, Coly. Right there with you. I can relate to feeling so alone, even in a group of my closest friends. They love me and care about me, but cannot even imagine the pain I am in. Their lives go on like normal, as they should, while mine has stopped dead in its tracks. In crowds I find myself looking at young couples and thinking to myself if they know one of them may rip the other's heart out after 20 years of marriage. Or I look at older couples and feel overwhelming grief that my H and I will not share that. So if you ever need to have brief emotional breakdown, I have a shoulder for you.
Sounds like you have a full weekend planned. Good for you wearing a dress that makes you feel good and may catch someone's attention. Nice plans for your daughters birthday. My daughter also has a December birthday right after Christmas. It always takes a little extra effort to make it special and separate from Christmas. You sound like a great mom.
Enjoy the Christmas party. Why not just play it by ear. Try to enjoy it and stay as long as you do. I understand being sober when everyone else is drunkily laughing at drunken jokes can be heavy to support.But maybe just maybe it could be fun.
I would put having fun ahead of letting H get a glimpse of how stunning you look in that dress. I'm sure your D will tell him how well you looked!!
Plus staying out later could make H think more. You could be having so much fun. You are dolled up. If the party isn't fun, go do something else afterwards on the way home.
Best wishes
Thanks Rose and Roist!
Roist, I stayed out as long as I could and had lots of fun! I had lots of complements on how I looked and it really gave me a boost! I even got asked to dance by our MD but I turned him down as it would have been too weird and he was also very tipsy! In the end I was just too tired to stay out any later so got home at just before 7.00pm.
Rose, you hit the nail on the head about looking at other couples and wondering what they have that makes them stay together. I feel like I'm constantly doing this and wonder if I look like some weirdo staring at people in a wistful way!
H was in a good mood this evening. He even jumped up from his seat when I got cramp I'm my foot. I wasn't sure what he intended to do but I sorted it out before he could attempt anything! IDK, feeling sort of meh about it all this evening...
Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May you be blessed with a peaceful and joyful 2017.
Thank you all for your support in 2016, I might have gone mad by now without your help and advice!! You are all very special people and you deserve all the happiness you can get so I wish that for you in bucket loads!
Xx
Coly,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family as well.
Coly may your Christmas be peaceful and serene xoxoxoxoxo wishing you a 2017 that's filled with joy and prosperity xoxoxoxo
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Coly!!! Thank you as well for your help and support!!! :-)
Coly23 - your day is winding down now I suppose while mine is in the middle. But from my family to yours, a very Happy Christmas.