Finally ready to share - 11/07/16 04:34 AM
Hi all,
So almost a year post BD, i am ready to share my story. But before i dwell on me and my life right now...i would like to thank all of you, your posts are of utmost encouragement, sometimes just knowing that you are not alone in this mad situation, is enough to help you get up every morning. I started reading the DB info appx 4 months after BD.
I am not really sure if H is going through a MLC or if it is my own way of comforting myself-how can one ever know...'maybe he is just confused and depressed and he will wake up one day'
I got the big BD in Dec15, i was 4 months pregnant (these things never come at a good time right). Understandably (right?), i went ape [censored] (ashamed). H was in and out of the house, he must have moved in and out approximately 4 or 5 times, he moved back when i gave birth and left 2 weeks later, it was too much for him, from what i could see, it looked like OW had given him an ultimatum- he has been living out since then.
H hasn't had a job for a couple of years, then in Mar15 we found out his BFF died suddenly after a night of boozing with his GF in Europe. H was extremely upset, even if short lived. in Aug15 we found out we were expecting. Is this enough to throw someone off their rails? he is 43yrs old, has a lot of mommy issues, feels abandoned by his mom who is now trying to make up for all that lost time.
Anyway, my shame of having been a total nutcase during BD and months following that...i did, i went mad, i called him every word in the derogatory dictionary, i called his OW (23yrs old) every word in there as well, he retaliated obviously...gave me the 'i am never coming back to you'. I have had to do a lot of calming down and just rather take a shower to try and get through the anger, i still struggle with it, i see H pretty much every second day as he has to come and see dear S -he has in not so many words said that he is struggling in forming a bond with S. So given i see him every day, im finding ultra difficult to let go and heal, although i also think i am trying to push this process before it has fully ripened.
At one point, i was saying i was going to die trying to save my marriage, then i would go through periods of 'why should i, im not a door mat'-im still going through this confusion...when does it end?
I read a MLC story by a guy who went through his own MLC and was lovely enough to share, i felt so much hope as i could see the similarities between him and H. But like i said earlier, how do you know that it is an MLC? what if he just a right arrogant prick?
Just today i had an argument with H, he has so much anger, as if i were the one that hurt him, he sees no issue with what has happened, he has every now and then said he is sorry, but obviously not to my face, always via message. Today he told me that he wants me to accept that we are no longer together (he brought up the big D in May, never initiated, again brought up but no initiation) , i told him that i know that we are not together because how can we be together if he is with a mistress. He then asked me why i am so bitter then, i said i am not bitter, i am simply mourning the loss of my marriage, my friend, lover and above all a father to my S. i also told him that i love him (something i have not told him in about 10 months) and that is why i sometimes write with emotions. he replied with a 'i'm sorry'. that was the end of that session. What i have realised is that H does not want to talk anything of this, if it were up to him, we would never, i mean NEVER talk about this. He still pretends to his friends that he is a normal family life living at home etc, he refused to tell his friends saying he just felt he didn't want to but didn't know why.He now uses the excuse of having started a new job and therefore no time to talk about this.
So i am now forcing myself because i know that i need to stop talking to him period-i need to just let him be. And yes, i am still angry (how long does this take?) i am getting better, i can see the improvement, before, i'd be angry with him every day, now its maybe 2 or 3 times a week
haha...progress! again, nothing to be proud of, but i am human!
BTW, through mutual acquaintances, i found out that OW has a lying disorder, she had gone to therapy a couple of years back. She must have a mental disorder to be able to look me in the eye and say H and her love each other at 2 months of knowing each other.
This is my story...right now, to be honest with you...i have no clue where i am headed with my life, i feel quite numb. I am a great mother, i drive all my positive energy towards my S. I am also trying to GAL, i have made new friends, i go out a lot more than i did before S. 5 months ago, i would have gone out and after a glass of wine thought about H and been sad, now, i go out and genuinely have a good time without thinking about H, then i see him and his arrogant attitude and its down the pit of emotions again!
I actually feel great having shared this story...thank you DB for allowing me to.
So almost a year post BD, i am ready to share my story. But before i dwell on me and my life right now...i would like to thank all of you, your posts are of utmost encouragement, sometimes just knowing that you are not alone in this mad situation, is enough to help you get up every morning. I started reading the DB info appx 4 months after BD.
I am not really sure if H is going through a MLC or if it is my own way of comforting myself-how can one ever know...'maybe he is just confused and depressed and he will wake up one day'
I got the big BD in Dec15, i was 4 months pregnant (these things never come at a good time right). Understandably (right?), i went ape [censored] (ashamed). H was in and out of the house, he must have moved in and out approximately 4 or 5 times, he moved back when i gave birth and left 2 weeks later, it was too much for him, from what i could see, it looked like OW had given him an ultimatum- he has been living out since then.
H hasn't had a job for a couple of years, then in Mar15 we found out his BFF died suddenly after a night of boozing with his GF in Europe. H was extremely upset, even if short lived. in Aug15 we found out we were expecting. Is this enough to throw someone off their rails? he is 43yrs old, has a lot of mommy issues, feels abandoned by his mom who is now trying to make up for all that lost time.
Anyway, my shame of having been a total nutcase during BD and months following that...i did, i went mad, i called him every word in the derogatory dictionary, i called his OW (23yrs old) every word in there as well, he retaliated obviously...gave me the 'i am never coming back to you'. I have had to do a lot of calming down and just rather take a shower to try and get through the anger, i still struggle with it, i see H pretty much every second day as he has to come and see dear S -he has in not so many words said that he is struggling in forming a bond with S. So given i see him every day, im finding ultra difficult to let go and heal, although i also think i am trying to push this process before it has fully ripened.
At one point, i was saying i was going to die trying to save my marriage, then i would go through periods of 'why should i, im not a door mat'-im still going through this confusion...when does it end?
I read a MLC story by a guy who went through his own MLC and was lovely enough to share, i felt so much hope as i could see the similarities between him and H. But like i said earlier, how do you know that it is an MLC? what if he just a right arrogant prick?
Just today i had an argument with H, he has so much anger, as if i were the one that hurt him, he sees no issue with what has happened, he has every now and then said he is sorry, but obviously not to my face, always via message. Today he told me that he wants me to accept that we are no longer together (he brought up the big D in May, never initiated, again brought up but no initiation) , i told him that i know that we are not together because how can we be together if he is with a mistress. He then asked me why i am so bitter then, i said i am not bitter, i am simply mourning the loss of my marriage, my friend, lover and above all a father to my S. i also told him that i love him (something i have not told him in about 10 months) and that is why i sometimes write with emotions. he replied with a 'i'm sorry'. that was the end of that session. What i have realised is that H does not want to talk anything of this, if it were up to him, we would never, i mean NEVER talk about this. He still pretends to his friends that he is a normal family life living at home etc, he refused to tell his friends saying he just felt he didn't want to but didn't know why.He now uses the excuse of having started a new job and therefore no time to talk about this.
So i am now forcing myself because i know that i need to stop talking to him period-i need to just let him be. And yes, i am still angry (how long does this take?) i am getting better, i can see the improvement, before, i'd be angry with him every day, now its maybe 2 or 3 times a week
haha...progress! again, nothing to be proud of, but i am human! BTW, through mutual acquaintances, i found out that OW has a lying disorder, she had gone to therapy a couple of years back. She must have a mental disorder to be able to look me in the eye and say H and her love each other at 2 months of knowing each other.
This is my story...right now, to be honest with you...i have no clue where i am headed with my life, i feel quite numb. I am a great mother, i drive all my positive energy towards my S. I am also trying to GAL, i have made new friends, i go out a lot more than i did before S. 5 months ago, i would have gone out and after a glass of wine thought about H and been sad, now, i go out and genuinely have a good time without thinking about H, then i see him and his arrogant attitude and its down the pit of emotions again!
I actually feel great having shared this story...thank you DB for allowing me to.