Another thread down and what an eventful thread it turned out to be!
Old thread: Book of Lou - Chapter 6
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1job - thank you for explaining your comment. He is off and running again and I have no intention to be trusting him so quickly again if he comes back my way. I need to get myself back on track and look at myself; what I want for my life, so am taking a step back for a while to gather my thoughts. I think a part of me made myself in to someone that was more appealing to him, I tried too hard to become someone and that someone wasn't really me.
I know its important to GAL but I maybe misunderstood what that actually means and put pressure on myself to become a social butterfly and take part in and do things that I did not necessarily want. Right now I feel I want to remove myself from the world a little, just to have time to me, solitude and calm. I am happy to just work, pay my bills, save a little, occasionally see my friends, walk on the beach and play with my crafts. I don't need or feel the desire to have a buzzing social life, and that isn't to say that feeling won't change, but for now I feel that my trust, my convictions, my opinions and thoughts have been compromised, not only by him, but by myself.
There will be no chasing him, no contact, no chit chats, I can't have him in my life as a friend right now, its too hard. I have re said what I said to him last time " I will always be here for you if you need me, never get to a point in life where you feel you have no one". I feel this leaves the door open for him to contact again ...it will be down to me at the time whether i want it or not.
Time to re group, breathe and get over this break up ....which isn't as bad as the last one, but I am still feeling the sadness and pain from it.
kml - I love your dream board idea and its something I will do when I have my own place and can add too as I think of things.
Gwen - thank you my darling friend. Your words always bring me comfort and knowing I have so much support out there in the world helps me keep breathing.
Just a bit of journalling now -
h has gone off to pick up a roof box to give him extra space to get his stuff in as he bought it up in the caravan. I have told him he has to stay until the caravan is picked up and the money sorted out, its a principal thing, he left me to deal with everything last time and I did it without question or complaint, this time I will be darned if I give him the luxury of driving off in to the sunset without lifting a finger. It does mean I have to live with him, but I am beginning to turn off to him, remaining friendly so that this is the person he leaves, not some blubbering wreck ....oh so appealing lol.
This situation we are all in is crapola
So onwards and forwards with the next thread my friends. What will this one bring I wonder !?
Hi Lou, I have been reading your sitch from start to present and I'm sorry for the recent turn of events with your H.
It makes me sad to think that he is so blind to the hurt he is causing yet again not only to you but his children. It is evident though that you are not the same person as when H left the first time around. You are starting this journey further down the path with more knowledge and experience than you had before. As the saying goes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you sure sound like one strong lady!
Hi, I've been reading your thread and had my fingers crossed for you with your recent positive developments. Alas the monster known as MLC has scuppered it.
As has been mentioned it really is so sad that the WAS has not managed to grow and heal in the same way us LBSs have.
Wishing you the best of luck and strength to keep on keeping on - you deserve it!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lou}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
You know I love you, right? You're amazing. In the midst of all this heartbreak, you are clear, strong, unbowed.
I feel quite sorry for your H as his MLC and depression are costing him you and the boys. He will have to live with the consequences he's created. I know you and the boys will be fine, no matter what.
Lou, what happened to that work opportunity with your friend in the UK. Would that be something you'd re-consider?
Better days are ahead my friend, for all of us. xoxoxoxo
No, don't go back to the U.K. Your boys need you. Just push to get your thyroid properly treated (read stop the thyroid madness). Find a better job where you are and keep working on your college classes. Meet new people and, when you're ready, date some men! Change your hair color or style, tackle some new ambition. Get back to LIVING! Do what you enjoy but step out of your comfort zone.
I mentioned the UK because if I recall correctly Lou stated it was a great opportunity but didn't because of pending reunion / situation with H??? Wondered if it was still an option to consider given current state of things ...
Hi Everyone
As always thank you for your thoughts and support.
Coly & srt - welcome to my sitch and thank you for joining me on my journey. As soon as I have unlimited internet data back I will catch up with your threads and say hi over with you.
bttrfly -
Lou, what happened to that work opportunity with your friend in the UK. Would that be something you'd re-consider
kml is right, I won't be going back to the UK while my boys are in NZ, we need each other, especially now their relationship with their dad is in jeopardy again. If h gets into another relationship he will most likely dump them for her and her kids (as most people around our age have kids) like he did last time and I won't risk my boys being left alone here. The three of us have a really good and solid relationship, they are my priority and I adore them both. They will be hurting and I will be there for them.
kml -
Find a better job where you are and keep working on your college classes. Meet new people and, when you're ready, date some men! Change your hair color or style, tackle some new ambition. Get back to LIVING! Do what you enjoy but step out of your comfort zone.
I am looking for a better job, one that fulfills me and challenges me a bit more. I would also like one that is a day job so that I can find the best work/life balance for me. Unfortunately beggars can't be choosers and I am not in a position for waiting indefinitely for the perfect job, so I may have to reside myself to taking another supermarket position with crappy hours just to get the money coming back in. Reality of this crappy situation. As for changing things up - changing my look is a difficult one as I have alopecia (yes I have looked into it, many times) so I wear scarves and hats, its my look, tis what it tis and I have to get on with it. (this is also an area I have problems with, with jobs and meeting people - including other men - peoples first impression is generally by look and I don't look the "norm" so get judged by it) you can say otherwise, but experience has shown me that people are shallow and judge a book by its cover - sad but true.
As for taking myself out of my comfort zone, I want to just stop and stand for a while, this has really taken a toll on me. Rejection hurts, I am questioning my judgement on how he sucked me back in to his life so easily, I am finding trusting a person = pain and rejection so I need to work on letting that thought go. I know I did nothing wrong, this is him and not me, but I am human and I do feel it.
So h is still here, its very weird to be a part of all this again. He did not contact our caravan buyer so as far as I know its not being picked up this weekend, which means another week for h being here. I have not said anything, did not remind him to contact, he is the one that wants to leave so he must be the one to tie up loose ends first. He can't go without it selling as he needs the money. He still acts as before, attentive, funny and chatty, but also has times of being withdrawn and wanting his own company, so much recognizable from BD1 time.
It amuses me that he thinks what he is saying is true - for instance, he now recalls our marriage and sex life to have been "going through the motions for the last year or so of it" and I laugh, inwardly saying to myself "ok, so if it was so bad and you felt nothing for me, why are you here?, why did you come back? why up to only a few weeks ago were you saying to me "you are my one, you are forever, I love you and can't imagine my life without you in it"? " Utter hogwash, he has rewritten history to suit his justification of why he has to leave again. Crazy man .......
It really is like he is trying to spend as much time enjoying his best friend, his love, the woman who he knows has loved and supported him unconditionally, the woman he trusts, cares for and knows him the best and is there for him no question, before he leaves and he loses what she gives to him and his life. He has even told me he understands what he is walking away from and feels deep pain and saddness that he is having to do this. He feels dissapointed in himself that he is doing this to me again, this is not the man he wants to be .....oh he is so so lost guys.
He constantly talks about his age and is struggling to accept he is getting older. He finds it hard to comprehend that some of his friends will be 50 this year and he will be shortly following. Its like the MLC script has come back into play once again, repeating the whole process. Its sad, so sad and I am a bit bitter in wanting to know "why me", I am good person, have shown my loyalty and love, so why? I know no one can answer it, its the universe throwing curve balls with no defined target, they just hit and hurt at random.
So another day to get through. I am trying very hard to remain my friendly, bubbly self, I want him to see and remember the person he is walking away from as a wonderful woman. Hope iit stings him in the a$$ when he wakes up from this horrible depression we call MLC.
Lou, I’m so sorry about the turn of events. I agree with job, your H has not fully baked yet. I’ve read so many storied on this board when WAS/MLCer would come back after a year or so, and it all looked like a solid reconciliation, only to lead to MLCer leaving again. When I was reading these stories I was kind of jealous, thinking that my sitch was so slow and there was no progress. Over time I came to realize that the chances of reconciliation are better when there is more time from BD to the point when they want to work on the R. There are some exceptions, but generally it takes a long time for MLCer to resolve the issues and be ready to R.
I also agree with job, that your case still has a pretty good chance to turn around again. But, definitely, don’t let your H back so easy.
So, he will be turning 50 soon. I think it explains it. This could be another mile stone he is getting stressed about all over again. You are right, he is lost. He is not sure what he wants. He wants it all, I guess. What a silly man.
I think you are doing great, Lou, staying friendly and bubbly. I wonder how long it will take him to leave. I bet, he is not in a hurry.
Good luck in finding a good job, Lou. You deserve it.
Thank you Bright, I know he came back quickly, it did not feel like it in real life, but for a MLCer it was quick.
My thoughts have been whirring around my head, as they do and journalling is a good way to move them out giving room for the next set of thoughts. So here is a bit of journalling.
At the time of BD2 I was shocked by the way that only 6 weeks earlier h was saying "you are my one, I love you and want to be with you, this is forever, I can't and don't want to imagine my life without you in it" and then 6 weeks later none of that applies anymore and he has checked out in his head and no longer feels any of those things .....6 weeks ...seriously ! With thought turning to this I remembered that only a few months ago his therapist and DR told him they felt he is suffering from depression, h knew better and decided that this is not the case and he feels fine now after a bit of exercise and making some change in life decisions.
I feel he had a lift in the depression, enough for him to make the realization that the feelings and thoughts he was having about me were indeed real and so he pursued me. He then made a life changing decision, he left his job, his home, his friends and life to be with me, he felt unhappy leaving all that behind and struggled with it, which in my mind sent his back into depression and that in turn blanketed all and any feelings he had for me. In his head he wants to go back to what made him happy, where made him happy and who made him happy - back to where he just came from.
Until he accepts that he has depression and deals with it he won't ever reconcile his thoughts enough to live a settled life, he will constantly have periods of being unhappy.
h contacted the caravan buyer last night, she is waiting for an inheritance to be paid out and feels it will be this week so she will hopefully pick up the van this coming weekend. He has been making arrangements for leaivng, working out where he can stay with the dogs while he job hunts etc, he may have even already sorted that out, I don't know, we don't talk about it, we don't talk about anything serious, just the weather and what we are having for dinner lol.
I also agree with job, that your case still has a pretty good chance to turn around again. But, definitely, don’t let your H back so easy.
I am not so sure about this, h has burnt me twice and he knows it, he may feel he can't approach me again if his feelings do change, he may just live with the fact that he messed up and lost me. He leaves me with the knowledge that he does not have sexual desire for me anymore and has been told it wont return, so I can't see him feeling otherwise when he won't be seeing me again to find out that its not true. I love that you and job feel this is not over for us, and a big part of me still would like that to be true, but I don't see how anymore. The first time I can get how he sees that I am worth so much to his life and contacts me to find out if I feel the same, but a second time ???? hmmmm.
Believe none of what they say and half of what they do!
Don't let the harsh words about attraction and sex get to you. Your brain knows it's not accurate even if it does hurt your heart.
Lou - in my own (very mild) depression I was repulsed by my h. One day, literally, out of the blue, I looked over at him and once again thought he was very attractive. Had he changed? Absolutely not. My depression was lifting. To this day I have no idea why I found him unattractive.
I agree that it hinges on him and his ability to work through his depression.
Thank you j2O, I don't take his comments about why he is leaving to heart, they are rubbish and untrue. He came out with what he needed to to justify why he is leaving. If lack of sexual attraction is all he could come up with and in all other areas I am perfect, then I am very happy with that, because the last time he left he went into assignation of everything about me and our r mode.
HaWho, thank you for your words, it is very helpful to hear from someone who has suffered from depression themselves. We are blessed here to have that insight from you, so thank you for sharing your personal struggles with us.
H does seem intent on finding "his one" so will no doubt will take little time to seek her out, so even if he does come through this and see the light I am not sure I will want him back knowing he has had another relationship or even just physical encounters with what could be several other women. It was hard enough getting myself past the last one, despite her being a crazy woman with issues.
So its back to trying to move along with my own life and let him go on his merry way again and leave him be. This time it will hopefully be a bit easier as I was only really getting to grips with the end of the grieving stages before he re entered my life again.
Hi Lou,
I have been keeping up on your sitch, not really knowing what to say, everyone is giving you great advice.
I hate this has taken the turn it has for you, I am sending love and hugs your way.
One thing I have learned through this is that this is about them, not us. There must be something very off, your H is very lost and quite selfish for doing this once again.
I admire your choice to stay friendly, it will sting him in the a** someday. I admit, it's a big reason I am friends with my H. It's good you are slowing down, not pushing yourself and going at your own pace. Be good to yourself.
I wish I had some great advice or message for you, you have been there for me so many times.....I'm just feeling in a place now, where I think at some point, it's best for us to just move on and leave them be. Not very positive or inspirational, I know, but.....we can only be drug along on their path for so long.
It's time for Lou to start herself a new life, to look in the mirror and accept that you have been on one heck of a ride and you made it through a better and stronger person. You raised loving boys and you will be there for each other. That's a lot to be proud of, please see that, what is real in front of you, and not the foggy mess going on in your H head. Choose to live in the real world, see yourself for the amazing person you are, smile, laugh, enjoy the things you love......and leave H to crazy train.
((((Hugs))))
M
Yeah Lou......focus on your life. You have no control over what he does, but you DO have control over your own life. Don't wait around for him, he can catch up later if he's really sincere. Just get on with YOUR life, find joy and happiness.
Hi Lou, if you think about what your H was saying six weeks ago, and what he is saying now - things change and I do believe there is always hope if you choose to stand for your M. I agree, not in the immediate short term, but who knows in the longer term?
I understand what you are saying about 'the one.' Fact is, many MLCers take a look around the office over a period of a week and choose that person! Then wonder why things turned out so badly in the end?? I can't imagine being attracted to a guy who is in 'that place.' Really, I think all my alarm bells would go off and I would start back tracking.
Anyway, it sounds as though you are doing well - sad, but grounded too. I look forward to hearing about your new plans and how you will move forward to a richer life. I agree it sounds like a better plan to seek new work as the old job was rough on you physically. I'm rooting for you anyway Lou and hoping for brighter days ahead.
Xx
{{{{hugs}}}}
I think we stand by letting go.
I think we stand by dropping the rope.
I think we stand for OURSELVES by saying, enough. Time to focus on me.
I'm sorry this has happened, but very grateful you have more tools to deal with it than the first time this happened. It is the MLCers journey. We don't need to ride along.
I'm glad you are stepping back and thinking about what you want in your life. We are here for you. I wish I had more to say or give, but that's about all I've got my dear. sending love and support xoxoxoxo
((((((((Cwtch)))))))
That's a Welsh cuddle for you from me all the way from the UK.
Anyone else needs a cwtch from me just ask xx
Thank you all, and Westo, thanks for the hugs, I love Wales
So nothing much to say today. h still here, still hold ups with the caravan sale so the farcical living situation continues.
Boys are doing ok, s22 has not spoken to his d since he found out and h is winding s19 up, interfering in his life which is not going down well. I stay quiet, I am not getting involved, if he wants to destroy what little he has left then that's up to him.
h is his usual confusing and frustrating self today: funny, charming and considerate. He went out this morning to get his haircut and whilst waiting in the queue he started texting me, just silly jokey stuff .....does this guy not understand what "I'm leaving you" means ??!! He got home and crept up behind me, grabbing me to make me jump, I spun around and he had a cheeky grin on his face - again, does he not understand the what "i'm leaving you" actually means ??!! So then we go for a walk with the dogs, more chatting and more and finding the funny side of things. This afternoon he went for a run, I did not notice (more like I'm not bothered) about how long he had been out, when he rang to say he is sorry is he running late but s19 rang to ask for a lift in to town to pick up his car.
If this is how he was when he left ow I can quite see how she got so confused as to whether he was really leaving her or not, it is not clear or obvious in any way, and whilst I know he is going and he intends to as soon as the van is sold (I am under no delusion that its over and he s leaving ....again ...) it would be very easy (If i did not know the MLC crazy) to think that he will say at any moment "actually I have been thinking and your right, I have not given us enough time, so I would like to stay if that's ok with you" -
If anyone saw us and did not know that he has just smushed our marriage back into the ground, they would have thought we were an enviable devoted couple lol. I hope one day he will look back and remember this as being what he walked away from .......
Think I may take up acting, because I am getting really good at playing the bubbly friendly, supportive, understanding woman .....I feel an Oscar coming on he he.
On the Me front, I failed my last assignment sigh, not surprised, wasn't my finest attempt. I get to re submit so I have been working on it today. I have one assignment left to finish the course. I can't think of anything I want to study next year, nothing excites or interests me, not enough to get into debt with a student loan for anyway, so whilst this has been really good for me to do and show me that I am far more capable than I thought I was, which has given me an ego boost, I think study is not on the list of "to do" next year.
Feel its going to be a year of calm and solitary after a few years of stormy waters.
Love n hugs to you all xoxo
Lou, I swear I live in the same bizarro world with my H. The last R talk we had a few months ago, he basically reinstated his doubts that we could ever work this out, and I finally dropped the rope. Since then, contact has become more, he is friendlier than ever, he is reminiscing a lot lately, and just suggested today that we should go to Lake Tahoe for Thanksgiving and have honeybaked ham, like we used to do.
I don't know the answer to the behavior, I have actually been wondering if my H may be a bit mentally ill? Lol, but seriously, it can be very confusing, unless you have the experience under our belts that we do. It rolls off me, and it sounds like the same with you. It's pretty twisted, I would love to hear what some of the vets have to say about it. I think of how my old therapist had described my H....he held up one hand waving me to him, while holding the other up to hold me back.
Stay strong and grounded Lou. I very much hope you have some calm in your future. I know my calm has saved me, to a point where I refuse to give it up.
Xxoo
M
I have been where you are, and I know it isn't good. Here is what I have learned.
Your husband will behave like this if you let him. It is up to you. They are manipulative, without conscience and skilled at getting what they think they want.
How clear do you want to be to him that this behaviour is not acceptable to you? If he wants to go he should go NOW, and no ifs or buts. What he does is his problem, not yours. No need to be 'nice'.
It isn't closing the door, but it is showing him the way out firmly. It will not reduce your chances of getting back together.
Have you made it clear that you find his behaviour disrespectful? Because if I were your husband I would think 'I am getting away with this'(again)
I hope one day he will look back and remember this as being what he walked away from .......
I know that is what you hope, but that is not how their minds work, I believe. What he is internalising is that he can do this and it is still OK.
What you are internalising is more bad and hurtful memories by having him remaining in your space. And it is your space. Space you invested in to try and be together. He changed his mind, not you, and so he walks.
I am not suggesting a confrontation, and I know you are in survival mode right now, but who put you there?
Would it be possible to say what you want and what works for you?
I am not anti reconciliation, but we can turn ourselves inside out trying to be reasonable. And all you are doing is storing up some horrible memories, not laying down good ones.
Moving on with your life starts today.
I may sound unsympathetic, but I have dealt with a MLCer for a very long time. One who even now tries periodically to manipulate me. The first sign you will know he is coming out of it is when he puts someone else first above himself on a consistent basis. They are only nice when it serves their ends while in MLC.
Thank you Bea, I understand your point of view.
The only reason h is still here is because I won't let him go until he has sorted out the mess he has created by coming back. The last thing to deal with is the sale of the caravan and then he is free to drive off in to the sunset to start his happy shiney new life ....again .....
H is delivering the caravan to its new owners today. He won't be back until late tonight, I am enjoying the calm in the house. He has been really off since yesterday, I know he wants to get gone now, he has not mentioned when or spoken of his leaving at all since he told me he has "checked out of the relationship" and this time around I have not asked him any questions relating to leaving at all, which is making it awkward for him as he is struggling to start conversations, especially conversations he does not want to have .....its quite amusing to play this little game with him. Perhaps I will wake up one morning and he will be packed and gone lol.
Yesterday h lost his wedding ring (its a substitute one that he bought for work years ago so not to damage his real one), it has become too big for him and it frequently comes off. Anyway, back to the story; he lost it and got himself in a tizz trying to find it, retracing his steps from when he remembers having it on last, he looked around the garden, then he took the bedroom and bathroom apart and finally went back to the garden and was on his hands and knees looking in the flowerbeds and lawn. All this time I was thinking "whats the bother, you will be taking it off soon anyway, it means nothing to you", but I helped him look anyway ......not very hard I admit ....he found it on the lawn, must have come off when he was lying in the garden chair. It did amuse me at his concern that he had lost it though, the logic and irony of it!!
Nothing has come up of the job front as yet. I should get my share of money from the van in a couple of days, so hopefully I will be able to find a cheap runaround car fairly quickly as once he has gone I won't have transport so need to get that sorted out for work. My g/friends in the UK have been great, not one "I told you so" which I love them for. I miss them terribly, especially at times like these. My NZ g/friends have disappeared, that's a bit sad, but they do say you always find out who your true friends are at times like these.
I do know this is for the best and having this experience has squashed the fantasy in my head of reconciling and living happy ever after with him, which will hopefully help me move forward with my own life. I have also come to see how far I have come since BD1 as I have handled this time around so much better and am less daunted by the prospect of starting again and being on my own. I do feel loneliness and I think that most likely made me push forward with getting back together quicker than I should have, so that is something I need to be aware of in myself, ask myself what is driving the decisions I am making.
Right now its about holding it together until he leaves.
Love n hugs to all xoxo
Hilarious about the ring - shows how confused they are.
Here's hoping a fabulous job opportunity comes your way soon - one with lots of fun coworkers that you can make new friends out of.
((((hug))))
(And hey - at least you don't live in a country that elected Donald Trump - things could be worse!)
So today the caravan money was paid in the bank. H said to me " would you like to go and look at cars for you today?" -
Me - "um, no thanks, I have not thought about budget yet" (which is a lie, I have and s19 is helping me source a car)
H - "oh, ok then. What jobs have you applied for?" So I told him and he replied "your underselling yourself, you know you are better than that"
M - holding myself together, duct tape at the ready .."true, but I need to have an income so anything is better than nothing right now" (In my head i'm saying "a$$hole, beggars can't be choosers, your lying a$$ put me in this position")
So by this point I have had enough; enough of the Mr Nice guy, laughing and joking around like nothing is wrong with what he is doing, its all perfectly normal to suck the person you supposedly love in and then chew them up and spit them out again, nothing wrong with that at all. So I said "now the caravan is sold, you don't have to stay around if you don't want to", h replied " yeah, I think I may leave in a few days. I don't really know where I am going to go or what I am going to do" ...??!!!Seriously, this just goes to show you how messed up their heads are, he has had two weeks to work all this stuff out, it was his idea in the first place, I did not remember him being this vacant last time, but looking back, yep he was just as bad. I would not be surprised if he decides in the middle of the night he is leaving right then, CRAZY is right.
I am trying to remain friendly and engaged, its becoming harder each day he is here. I see the absolute madness in what he is saying, doing and wanting and I don't want to be a part of it. He really needs to go and destroy his own life and leave me be.
I know my life is going to be hard and I really do struggle with loneliness. I am worried very much about finding a job again, but I know once I have one things will settle for me a bit. I also know that I don't want him in my life as he is, he makes me feel small and I know that I am not myself when he is around me. I need to reclaim me.
Yay Lou..... about time you got mad!!!!!
You're smart and literate, don't be afraid to apply for a variety of jobs. Meanwhile, find ways to get out of the apartment in the evenings, even if it's just going out to a movie by yourself, or attending a free public lecture.
(And hey - at least you don't live in a country that elected Donald Trump - things could be worse!)
No kidding!
Hi Lou, reading your posts above, I wonder if your H may have said all of that and then may not really want to go? He seems to be dragging his feet a little I think. And I agree it is madness to want to leave a lovely person like you for....nothing really. It does show how confused his thinking is - especially being so concerned about the ring.
You have plenty to offer a future employer, so I agree with your H on that one - though food has to be put on the table of course. Try not to worry, but get going with your plans to seek jobs. I work in HR and I think it is best to target a smallish number and put effort into each application. Also, would you consider agency working for a short while? Sometimes, just getting a foot in the door is enough and firms don't want to lose someone the have seen, liked, tried and tested.
I agree with KML on the loneliness too. For me, I find it works well to have plans every other night or so. I'm quite happy to have a quiet night in if I was out last night and I'm out tomorrow night - but I find a run of nights in start to get a little depressing. For that, flexible GAL can be helpful too - like gym visits and so on - where you can choose to go somewhere alone if you want to get out for a bit.
Anyway, I'm pleased to read that you seem to be in a good place at least and I'm sure you'll move forward positively from this.
Take care Lou xx
Hi luv ..
So .. here we are, eh? This thought just came to me so take it with a grain of salt - what if you approached this job search the way we tell our kids to approach college applications:
have three categories: the "reach," the "will probably get in," and the "safety" ... that way, you aren't entirely selling yourself short, but you are also hedging bets because you need to survive.
You will you know, survive ... and more. You will thrive.
I'm glad you are seeing things clearly and are thinking about what is important to YOU ... I'm sad that you feel you cannot be yourself around him, but it's not surprising giving everything he's done. I like your plan of reclaiming yourself. I think you don't need to wait for him to be gone to start to do that and in fact think it is better all around for you to start to do that today, while he is still here. Let him see the real you, Lou ... let him eat his crazy MLC heart out.
Sotto is absolutely right about the temp positions- I've found my best jobs that way. You and the employer get to test each other out before commitment. Wishing you the best and sending love and hugs ... it may not be as hard as you think this go round babe {{{{{{{ xoxoxoxo }}}}}}}}
Thank you kml, Bright, Sotto and bttrfly, you speak words of wisdom and truth.
Hi Lou, reading your posts above, I wonder if your H may have said all of that and then may not really want to go? He seems to be dragging his feet a little I think.
In the fantasy world it would be nice to think this. It would be lovely to think that he is understanding what him leaving means; the loss of his best friend, the one who was there for him when his life turned to custard, supported him, was patient and understanding while he took time to sort out his feelings and thoughts. I am the one he can have a laugh and jokes with, who gets him, who knows him. This is the person he is about to walk away from and never see or speak to again, never have in his life again ..... but reality is, this is depression and the most likely answer for why he is dragging his heels is that he genuinely has not thought about what he is going to do and where is going to live as it has not entered his head. His head is void of all feeling and thought. To me the reason he is not feeling for me what he thought he would. This has been two weeks for me, but from taking to him in the past I know that time feels different for him so for him its probably only been a couple of days.
He does make noises about leaving. The roof box is now on the car and he has discussed with s19 how to secure it better, so leaving his in his thoughts somewhere. I feel it could be Monday, but thats just guessing.
There may be an element of his sabatical being over for him, that leaving here and his extended holiday means going back to the real world of working, earning and building a new life (which he has no clue what he wants or who with). So its possible he is dragging his feet because he does not want to return just yet.
Also, would you consider agency working for a short while? Sometimes, just getting a foot in the door is enough and firms don't want to lose someone the have seen, liked, tried and tested.
I have tried agencies before, I joined two. I only got a couple of last minute waitress jobs out of it. Unfortunately I am classed as unskilled on their books, if I have office experience or some other useful skill then I would be ok, but I don't. I don't have what they require here. This is the big downside of being trusting of a person who says they will look after you forever if you be a stay at home mum and housewife .....you end up at the bottom of the work class at 46.
Thank you for the idea though.
I agree with KML on the loneliness too. For me, I find it works well to have plans every other night or so. I'm quite happy to have a quiet night in if I was out last night and I'm out tomorrow night - but I find a run of nights in start to get a little depressing. For that, flexible GAL can be helpful too - like gym visits and so on - where you can choose to go somewhere alone if you want to get out for a bit.
Right now I am transportless (I know, my doing), so getting out of where I am living is difficult and will be even more difficult once he has gone and I no longer have access to his car. I try to get out, I walked to the library yesterday just to get out of his space, today I am meeting a g/friend who is visiting in the area and on Monday I have been invited out for coffee. I also have my last assignment on the go. To be perfectly honest, GAL is the last thing I want to do right now, I just want to crawl under a rock and not allow the world into my space, my emotions and being have taken a huge hit with a second rejection, and this rejection is more profound as he really did suck me in with all his niceties and then spat me out. I'm over feeling a freak and a fugly, rejection from him twice, rejection from friends, rejection from work, its not great for the soul huh.
Oh goodness, listen to me, on a right downer! I'm fine, really I am. I have a bed to sleep in, two lovely boys with beautiful hearts and enough money in the bank to feed myself. Life could be so much worse.
xoxo
And yu have us! (((((Hugs)))))
Hi Lou,
I think you hit it on the head about your H dragging his feet. What I imagine is that he is not thinking straight, feeling much, just wandering aimlessly through each day with no goal or purpose but to finish the task at hand. Thoughts are short term, not long term, nothing is thought out more than 5 minutes at a time. Does that sound about right? It's so hard to understand how they think this way and so obvious there is something not right. I consider it a blessing that we can recognize that and see it for what it is, which has nothing to do with us!
You are in control here. You decide how much you will take, how you will take it, you decide how much you let H into your space, and how much you don't. I am sure it's hard to see the power you have here, with him doing this once again, but you sound like you are getting your grounding back. Hang in there Lou.
I am praying that good things come your way. (((Hugs)))
M
So he has left. As predicted it was as odd as the whole of this situation. We were sat chit chatting this morning and then he just got up and started packing all his stuff in to the car! He could not fit a lot of his things in and missed a few items that were in boxes, but he did not seem bothered when I pointed them out.
He loaded the dogs which I took as the signal he was actually leaving and he stood looking at me, not sure what to say or do, waiting for my lead. So I said " whats left to say?", h replied "I don't know, goodbye I suppose", I replied "you don't deserve a goodbye from me", I turned and walked away, he left and that is that.
I have cleaned the house, my go to when upset, and am now sat here, the empty feeling from crying so hard. I know that is normal and ok, I will let these times happen as they need to. I also know that in time I will see that this was a good thing, a blessing in disguise, he was not ready to reconcile with me, he is still very broken.
So the world continues to turn, the sun will continue to rise and set and I will continue to breath.
So need a hug right now
Big hugs to all of you LBS from me too xoxo
Hugs Lou.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
you don't deserve a goodbye from me
Yes! Good for you Lou. You've been beyond patient, I'm glad you stood up for yourself. He doesn't get to leave thinking his behavior is okay.
Now.....I promise you.....once you let go, you're going to float back up and your life is going to get better and better. It's not easy, but you just keep pointed towards a bright future and it will arrive in time.
(((Hug))))
I'm sorry Lou and big hugs from me ((((((Lou)))))))
So, here you are, he has gone. Of course you will grieve and you will also pick yourself up and move forward again - onto new and better things. New work, where you meet new people, a new car and so on. And all in good time. Give yourself the time you need, let him go and look after yourself.
I so admire you Lou and I know that ultimately all will be well in your life.
Xx
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lou}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
love you.
I hope this works, Lou:
I lost everything too, I lost my h, bf, home, my money, my role in life and both my c were grown up. I was a sahm for 22yrs, I was left with nothing - I was a complete mess, totally destroyed 24yrs gone, no fight, no chances, just gone.
A year on, I have a job, which includes a promotion. I have rented a home, have friends and a life. My youngest now lives with me and I have plans and thoughts about the future. I laugh and smile all the time, its something I never imagined I would do ever again. bttrfly, I get what you are going through, I know just how you are feeling, you just got to believe me when I say to you, hang on in there, keep moving through the days and it will get better. Your s needs you more than ever now, its your job as a parent to step up and be his support and role model. Show him how to be strong and courageous, show him love and compassion, its all things that he will take forwards with him.
Your life was definitely not wasted, you got a beautiful s from your m and I am sure there were lots of times you were happy in your m and have lovely memories, they are just buried under the shock and anger right now. Your m was real, you met and fell in love with a guy who fell in love with you, it was real. Right now, its lost and no one can predict whether it will be found again.
A very kind, loving and wise woman wrote those words to me when I was at my absolute lowest point during this process. Do you recognize those words, my friend? You wrote them to me. You helped me more than you will ever know that day. I post these back to you. You were able to do this once without any of the tools you have now. This is an opportunity for you to do things maybe a little differently this time. What would you change from the last time, Lou? You have more options than you realize and two boys who have matured over this time frame and love you to pieces. Most importantly, you have more inner resources than you realize my dear.
I wish you lived closer. I'd make you some lovely tea with hawthorn, rose petals and some tulsi. Help your heart and adrenals because of the stress. Then I'd give you a hug and assure you that you will get through this and you aren't alone. {{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}
Lou,
I am very sorry about how the situation went "south". You handled your situation w/dignity and grace and have always been an inspiration to everyone here. We love you for being you. You are a wonderful example of how to handle what life throws at you.
Grieve, cry, take long walks and even reflect back on your life...but today is a new day and a new chapter in your book of "Life". The new chapter is waiting for you to pick up the pen and start writing. Lou, the page is blank and you can fill it w/whatever you want.
Breathe! Know that we all love you and send you many warm and positive thoughts. Now, it's time to focus on Lou, your health and your future...but for now, take it one day at a time. Things will fall into place for you.
Lou --- praying you and your friends and family are safe given the earthquake and resultant tsunami in NZ ... not sure if that's near you my dear friend. Sending you prayers and love xoxoxoxo
Wow, feeling the love, thank you so very very much.
bttrfly - my family are fine. s22 did not get it where he is and s19 and myself felt it, it was not major where we are, felt like being on a boat in rough seas. H contacted s19 to make sure we are ok, apparently he was evacuated which means he stayed near the sea last night.
bttrfly - thank you from the bottom of my heart for the reminder of what I wrote to you. It seems an age ago, but reading it showed me just how much I have overcome and how much stronger I am today and that I can pick myself up and do this again - learning from my mistakes and doing even better this time.
So on that note, Day 1 - survived an earthquake and bought a car ! The first on my "to do" list has been crossed off. S19 and his friend came with me to make sure I was not buying a lemon, its a Ford Focus, nice runaround for me and an upgrade from my last car. I even braved haggling and got them to the price I wanted to pay (was really surprised they agreed) so I feel I got a good deal. The silver lining is a better car than I had for around the same money, hopefully the luck continues with a better job and home .....now that would put a smile on my face and two fingers up at h ha ha ha
Hi Lou ... First time I write to you...and maybe I am writing to myself... We have to let them go..as the current situation our H are in is no good for us... I was like you and I still want my H back but not this one...I want the old one. The mature, confident, funny courteous, empathetic one. This one is bitter, self concious and self centred. Gloomy and depressed... So unless they decide to work on themselves.. I think they can do more damage than good... That is what I try to telling myself I guess to keep me going.... Try to make every day a great one...
MWAH!!!! Huge hugs and kisses for you!!!!!! WELL DONE!!!!!
Very relieved that you and the boys are safe. If H was inconvenienced, OH WELL.
I'm glad that re-posting helped you Lou. I've got your six, girl! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LOU! XOXOXO}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Lou - just want to chime in to say that yes, this too will pass and better days are coming your way.
We are all here rooting for you.
Lou,
I'm very happy to come here and read that you and your family are okay. Congratulations on the car purchase! One thing to mark off the "to do" list. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you can find the right job. I do think that w/your positive attitude, it won't be long before you'll be back at work, a job you like, and moving forward far quicker than the first time around.
Take care.
Lou, I’m so sorry it turned out this way and you have to go through this grieving process again. But you are lot stronger this time and will get through this. I’m happy to hear that your family is OK and I’m so excited for you about the car! It is a very big deal, Lou, having your own car. It gives you so much independence and flexibility. I was not able to drive for a week or so, and it put things into prospective…
I wish you all the luck in finding your perfect job! And, have to say this… your H is such a fool… For some reason I have a feeling that he will be back… It doesn’t mean you should stop your life and wait for that to happen. Keep moving forward, Lou!
Thank you all.
Bright - lol, you and a few others have said h will be back, I really can't see it myself, but who knows, It will probably be after he has had a few more failed relationships and not found "the one" and is bald, fat and lonely ha ha ha
My list of 3 to get me started off again - Car, Job and Home
Last Monday was a car, I love it, its off to the garage this week to have a full service and get is WOF (warrant of Fitness certificate). She (yes, her name is bob, don't judge lol) has taken me to the beach several times this week and I am enjoying the freedom that she gives me.
Today (Monday) I have been offered a job !!! So excited and feel like my angels have been watching over me and trying to get me to see this was the plan all along. I interviewed last week and thought I had really messed it up but coming across as too independent and not enough team, but seems I was wrong. So my new job is Customer Service (retail sales) at an Event and Party hire store, its all Fun Fun Fun and Balloons lol. I have to learn balloon art and all about event equipment, decorations, the store is party central. The pay is not great, but its mon - fri daytime which is what I want and its a cool job for my cv ha ha.
So Universe, no pressure, but next Monday I expect to find a cute little home by the beach
Now I have a job everything feels fine again in my world, its the smallest thing yet the biggest. I am doing great, I had a few down days last week over h and then a few down days over my life turning to custard, but the last few days I have seen my sitch so differently. I was so scared of changing things in my life because they gave me security, and as miserable as I was, I stuck with things out of fear of change and getting it wrong (including h) H arriving and turning my world Topsy Turvey has forced me in to change and so far I have ended up with a clearer outlook on who I am and want to be, a better car and a better job and I just know a more affordable lovely home is waiting for me. I have learnt so much by h being here, seeing his crazy with new eyes, understanding it so much more this time. I really am fine and life is going to be good, I feel it. Despite everything that has happened I would not change it, I needed him to do this to me for me to drop the rope. I don't have contact, I don't know where he is, I don't often think about him, its like my own fog has been lifted.
I spent the afternoon at the beach reading my book and paddling in the sea, I took a picnic, it was really lovely and so me. Tomorrow I am going beach combing with the g/friend and we are going to have fish and chips for lunch, yum.
Love n hugs to all of you BDers out there, you are amazing, beautiful people. Thanks for your support, I will try and catch up on everyone's threads now I am back in the land of internet xoxo
(((((Lou)))))
So very sorry you had to go through this again.
I'm impressed with you strength and resilience, ... lady you are awesome!
Congratulations on the new job and car, it seems everything is falling back into place.
And a little special pat on the back for haggling, it shows you are not afraid to ask what you want.
Take care sweetie xxx
yes! yes! yes! so happy for you and congrats on the job.
love you Lou!!!! {{{{{hugs}}}}}
Congratulations on the job! It sounds like it's going to be a fun one! Enjoy the beach!
Congratulations on the new job, car and hopefully a new home soon.
You are going to be just fine!
Yay! Cheers to the new job! I wish I could invite you for a glass of wine to celebrate!
Awesome about the new job - the hours should make it easier for you to expand your social life, and go to night school if you decide to.
Oh wow - fab news! I just read Upside's update (she and her XH MLCer just remarried.)
One thing she said which resonates - we get better at picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off - so true. It still isn't easy - but easier for sure.
Good luck with everything Lou xx
Hi Lou,
I haven't read your thread for a few weeks now and I'm sorry to find out how the things turned out. I am sorry but, I must say, not surprised. There was something in your posts that made me recall my situation when my h "came back" (it was not exactly the same situation as we lived together then but came back to marriage. I wish I knew about MLC then what I know now! ). I did not post anything to you because I wanted to believe that your situation will turn our differently. Well, he was not ready...
But, it is true that when they leave the second time, it's somehow easier. Hurts, but less and much shorter period. Just yet another experience...
Congratulations on the car and the job! And hopefully apartment soon.
Stay strong. You have two wonderful boys who I'm sure make you happy. Focus on you and them now.
Hi everyone,
Its been a really hard week and my head has been filled with so many jumbled thoughts and emotions, all bouncing around, one minute up and the next down, generally down tho' and that is why I feel the need to get them out or they will just fester away ......which I know is not healthy and will lead to bigger problems. Its long, so I do apologize and for those who have the stamina and oodles of spare time to read it, I thank you xoxo
Thoughts:
After BD1 I sunk in to a pool of mess, totally distraught and destroyed, my heart broken and I could not work out how I was going to survive or live. It took me a year to get myself together enough to function, and even then it was only because I was thrown in to doing it. I was still very much hurting and moving though the days, feeling sad, down and stressed.
Then he came back in to my life, he changed it, he gave me hope, a reason to keep going forwards. I loved having him back in my life, I looked forward to hearing from him, our friendship grew, we laughed, we joked, we flirted, we talked, he listened, he supported. But all that time I still felt like I was just moving through the days, that life held no joy in it, it was just ….life …. a year later he crossed the line from friendship in to relationship and my emotions and feeling crossed the line with him. (I know we say keep expectations at zero, but that is so much easier said than done when you have him in front of you saying and doing everything he can to make you fall in love with him again).
So now I have BD2, it’s been 3 weeks since he left and whilst I am in control of the practical side of life; a job, car etc, the feelings of grief, the worry over what the future holds for me and even just how I am going to get through the day is very much present and causing me pain, sadness and stress.I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night with an empty, nausea feeling in my stomach, I am emotional and the feelings and tears bubble up from the depths without notice. I can’t seem to find joy in life …..on reflection I am not sure that it ever came back after BD1, I just found a way to live with the “down” feelings.
I don’t feel its depression, I function on a daily basis, I interact with others, I have hopes and dreams for the future – taken on board kml’s idea of making a dream board, I have a large one and am going to put different things on it; pictures of things I would like to have, places I would like to visit, ideas of what I would like my future life to look like. Inspirational quotes on it to look at every day and I will change them periodically. Photos of my children, friends and fun times. It will hopefully serve as a tool to help me carry on breathing.
I can’t see HOW anything is ever going to change, I live pay check to pay check, I don’t earn enough to save anything to make a difference, I am doubting myself more and more; perhaps my mother was right; I am not academic and I am not pretty, so what hope do I have? I did not complete High School (mother said I was not clever enough to continue so took me out and packed me off to be a live in nanny) and I attracted a broken man into my life. It makes me even more conscious of how unattractive I must be when people say to me “he is lucky you did not find someone else” when he came back in to my life, and now its “ you can move on now, you will find someone else in no time”. Um ... it was not luck on his part I did not find someone else, it was that I had no interest from anyone else – the only ones I got was a man from my childhood declaring he has always loved me, but he creeps me out, and a guy at my old job who has asked all the female staff out, wanting no more than a quickie –ugh.
I can’t see another man in my future, for one, I am still hung up on h, I still believe this is not him(especially after seeing glimpses of the kind, loving, caring guy he used to be) and maybe this touch n go is a sign to hang in there a while longer and he will attempt again, I have read that a touch n go is sowing the seeds for reconciliation, I don’t know if this is true, I feel all it did was confirm to him that he was right; that he has no feelings for me anymore (other than care and love from history and me being the mother of his children). I also feel that no one else will find me attractive now, I am not how I used to look; 2 babies belly, older, lack of hair, yeah really appealing!
I am struggling with motivation to complete my course. I was granted a re submit for the assignment I failed while h was here, and I was also granted a special consideration extension so I can get my last assignment done. I passed the “failed” one on second attempt, but am having a problem finding the enthusiasm to do the last assignment – I set time aside for it, have written some notes etc, but I end up looking at a blank screen. I have even started writing it and deleted it all as I had written complete waffle and it was off topic. I just can’t seem to get my head in the game.
I know I am supposed to give myself some slack, after all I am dealing with BD2, a new job (that’s another story) and a college assignment due next week. But if I don’t get my head in the game soon then I am likely to create more problems for myself and make life even harder than it already is.
My new job: Oh wow, well I normally enjoy a challenge, but maybe I have taken this one on before I can actually deal with one!! The retail party shop side of it is great, I am enjoying that. I have been learning balloon art which is fun. I have tied and twisted hundreds of balloons this week for all sorts of events, even a helium balloon in a box for a baby gender reveal, so that was really special. BUT the event hire side of things is another story – it’s learning a computer system and I am not great with technology on a good day, so this has been a real challenge. After 3 days I was going out at lunch time and sitting in a car park in tears, sobbing, not wanting to go back to work. I am not sleeping well, my stomach is in knots, and I dread going back tomorrow to face the demon once again. I understand the process (booking, pick up and return) but putting it in action is another thing and it does not help that this is their busiest time of the season and customers are wanting stuff and wanting it NOW. They are also asking so many questions I don’t know the answer to and they are used to having competent knowledgeable staff rattle of prices and information to them. I have been told they expect me to be proficient enough to be basically independent by the end of this week – they need me to be as their senior customer service member will be on maternity leave from Christmas and then it will be just me and a student (who leaves in Feb). So any tips for how to master a computer programme quickly I would be really grateful for
So that’s what has been filling my head. Too much. It’s heading toward 3 years of feeling down and living with fear, mostly financial worries really – if I was financially secure I don’t think I would feel half as bad as I do.
Thank you for letting me get my rambling thoughts out of my head, not that they have left, but I figure it’s better than keeping them stored to myself.
Xoxo
Ah Lou, it's not surprising you feel this way my lovely. BD2 was so recent - and whilst you are in a stronger place than before - it still takes time and isn't easy. But if you keep moving forward it will get easier - we are all here as testament of that. Last night I went out with my divorce group chums and we were all talking about what a difference a year makes. This can be the case for you and you can look back at the end of 2017 and see how far you have come.
For now, I would say focus on the basics - working, eating, sleeping, staying financially afloat....and let yourself grieve.
For the computing stuff, are you able to take some time to make yourself a simple crib sheet? I love to have things on a 'grab' a4 guide - press this, then press that. Also, do have a chat with them if you feel thrown into the deep end and maybe arrange an IT 1-1 with a supportive member of the team to help you get up to speed. When you are feeling so distressed at lunchtime and not feeling you want to go back in is the time to seek help from your employer - I'm sure they wouldn't want you to be feeling that way at all.
You've made significant progress already. When you feel able, you may want to set yourself some achievable goals to move forward in coming months. Also, do practice self-care. When I feel anxiety levels going up and have trouble sleeping, I increase the meditation, yoga, walking and other soothing activities to settle myself.
Take care Lou - it's a rough patch - and you will get through it and brighter, easier times will follow.
((((((((Big hugs))))))))
Lou,
I think Sotto has given you some very sage advice. I agree w/her in the fact that you need to focus on the basics and allow yourself time to grieve. It's going to take some time for everything to sink in and work through what has happened, but I know you can do it.
If you are feeling overwhelmed at your job, then you need to speak up. You are only human and have recently been hired for the position. Don't be afraid to reach out to people. No one is perfect and I'm sure others will be more than happy to help you get your footing. Computer software can be a challenge and if you aren't familiar w/the software...seek out an IT support person. Maybe they can offer you a quick class/overview of the software to help you feel more comfortable w/it. The crib sheet is an excellent idea.
Lou, be gentle to yourself and do not try to be super human right now. Just be yourself, ask for help when you need it and absolutely give yourself time to grieve.
Please take care of yourself.
Whoa whoa whoa baby, you have to slow down here.
I get it, Lou. I GET IT. But look at your feet, babe. That's where you are. Today may not be the most comfortable day you've ever had, but projecting into the future while you are here is sure to only make it more uncomfortable for you, not less. You have a ton on your plate right now. Let's look at what we can move off, shall we?
1. You do not need to know or see how anything is going to change. That is not your job. That is the Universe/God's job. So, turn that over and breathe.
2. The event side of your job. Is there any way at all to break it down into micro steps? Go in with a pad of paper and write the process out IN YOUR WORDS, in a way that makes sense to YOU.
3. Let's grieve the man who just left before we think about another man. I don't mean to sound harsh and I know that you aren't 'looking for a replacement' ... I feel the same. Hey - I was almost 5'10'', 134 pounds and a size 4 when he married me. I was also 29, had no grey hair, no wrinkles and no cellulite.
Now? I'm the same height. No idea what I weigh as I'm terrified to get on the scale after what I've done to myself over the past few months since our court date. I'm wearing a size 14 and it's tight. I have about 5-10% grey hair which my darling supportive husband freaked out about and insisted that I color. Now I do that for myself, not for him. Wrinkles? Well, these fine lines around my eyes weren't there two years ago. I not only have cellulite; my cellulite goes to an annual convention at various spots around the country and sends me postcards.
BUT: My stbxh doesn't look the same either. He's balding. He has more grey than me. In fact, he looks 5 -10 years older than me rather than the 5 years younger he actually is.
My point is this baby girl: any man worth having will overlook any superficial imperfections. I know how hard it is to believe that in your present state, but trust me on that, ok?
4. The school thing: Nothing for that doll except roll up your sleeves and write. Just do it. One sentence. Leave. Come back and write another sentence.
Whatever it takes or, maybe just withdraw? Is that something you feel comfortable doing? It's not about your intelligence or abilities right now Lou. It's about giving yourself a break here and tackling only what you can handle.
ALSO: What's up with the thyroid? Stress will screw up your TSH counts. According to my doctor anything over 4 means you physically are not able to think critically. Get that squared away and you will feel better, I promise you.
----
Honey I also think that what's going on here is a bit more complicated than him leaving again. That's bad enough, but I feel like it's also re-opened the core wounds from your mom. I'm sure she was trying to be helpful when she said those hurtful things to you, but Lou ... when I read your posts I see the real you: a beautiful, sensitive, kind soul who puts those she loves first, sometimes to her own detriment. I see a woman who has an inner strength that is awesome. You are so very much more than you tell yourself you are. I wish you could see what I see. Do you forget that you went from not having a job in years to doing the most menial job in the joint and in short order moving up to the point where you ran your section brilliantly?
So ... in the spirit of keeping it truly in this day, you are many hours ahead of me, in the early hours of your Monday right now. Hopefully dearest you are resting and not awake.
I understand how stressful retail is, esp at Christmas time as I at one point managed a store in a high end mall a thousand lifetimes ago. Christmas is hell on retail workers. Again, do the best you can. Rest when you aren't working. Breathe. Grieve. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Keep posting. YOu've helped me so very much on my journey. I hope some of this long (sorry) post helps you too xoxoxoxo {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Second on the thyroid: stuff- slowed thinking, poor short term memory and difficulty with math are all hypothyroid signs.
Lou - thank you for posting an update. I was thinking about you.
Many, many bright people have stress over using a computer. In addition to Sotto's great ideas about a cheat sheet, don't be afraid to tell customers you are new and ask them for patience. Most people understand!
It does sound like you have some anxiety overall and understandably so. If it's not thyroid based, there is no shame in trying an anti-anxiety medication to get you through this rough patch.
As for your FOO issues, like Bttrfly said, those are re-surfacing so they probably need a fresh look. All that is on your m, not on you! When someone hands you an emotional grenade, you certainly don't hold onto it. You dump it ASAP...
You will re-build again! We know you will. We are cheering you on.
also darlin' try some flower essences .... you've had a shock - star of bethlehem or rescue remedy xoxoxo
(((Lou)))
Sweetie I hope you are ok. You've done this before, you can do it agai.
In relation to that last assignment, I read somewhere that small chunks or writing add up to great results. So maybe 15 minutes a day? Don't worry about the quality of you work just yet, only concentrate on writing for 15 minutes. You can then edit at a later stage.
Take care xxx
Hi Lou,
I'm late to the party but I am bring my specialty margaritas. I just read your last thread and I am sorry you are struggling a bit and in transition.
I don't know much, however, I do know this. It sounds like you have done a great job with your boys. Awesome!
When I read on your previous post about the attraction thing..I'm sorry. Feeling rejected is horrible. Feels like a dagger to the heart. Ugh. Please know that you are attractive and wonderful.
Focus on you again. Hang in there. You can do this. Hugs!
My dear sweet LouR. job reminded me of you and of your courage and perseverance. Your thread just happened to pop up as well. I had been wondering what was going on in your world.
I am doubting myself more and more; perhaps my mother was right; I am not academic and I am not pretty, so what hope do I have?
Stop that crap Right There! Right Now! You are a sweet giving person with a kind heart. I know that I'm on the opposite side of the planet from you and am perhaps more than a bit of a mess myself but to me the most important thing in this world in a partner is a kind heart.
I'm probably going to get whacked with some 2X4s for this on my own thread and I don't know if you are following my own story or not, but the one woman who made me think about stopping Standing wasn't attractive to me for anything other than her kind heart and compassion. Not to toot my own horn too much, I have a genius level IQ (not that you can tell from what I write
) and like to believe that as the song says that "the looks decent wagon didn't pass me by". I still regularly think about her quite fondly and it takes a force of will to not chase after her. You are also a kind, giving person who I would be delighted to spend an afternoon rambling along a NZ beach looking for ambergris - who else but than someone with a kind heart could find the idea of finding whale poop a grand adventure!
((((LouR))))
I hope I gave you a smile - you are worth it. I BELIEVE in you.
Hey everyone, well my last post was a doozer meltdown huh. Its not the first and it sure won't be the last, but the good news is that thanks to your love and kindness and a few days of dancing alone at my own pity party I am feeling much better.
Sotto -
For the computing stuff, are you able to take some time to make yourself a simple crib sheet? I love to have things on a 'grab' a4 guide - press this, then press that. Also, do have a chat with them if you feel thrown into the deep end and maybe arrange an IT 1-1 with a supportive member of the team to help you get up to speed. When you are feeling so distressed at lunchtime and not feeling you want to go back in is the time to seek help from your employer - I'm sure they wouldn't want you to be feeling that way at all.
Unfortunately there are so many different scenarios that could happen with each process that a crib sheet would not be able to cover them all. At this time of year we are getting a lot of caterers wanting stuff asap and not in the mood to deal with a trainee. Christmas makes people cranky!! The company I work for is small, there is no IT person, I was shown how to work the software and then left to play with the test programme for a few days before being let loose on the real thing. The company does not care if I am struggling, it would be a case of letting me go and getting someone else in who is more computer literate - I am on a 90 day probation, so they can give me one days notice.
The good news is that I am picking it up slowly and the girl I work with at the moment does not mind me asking the many questions that I do. I have so far ...touch wood ...not made any terrible mistakes' so for now I am keeping my head above water. Just got to get through the next few weeks and it will start to quieten down.
They have now got me cashing up and doing morning till floats, more software to learn and a really stupid programme that makes the whole process a lot more complicated than it should be - the girl who I am taking it over from said many have complained about it and nothing ever gets done. I have also been given the ordering for the party shop to do, its become more of an assistant manager role on sales assistant wage, I can see why so many leave. I remind myself how good his will look on my cv and it will help me find something better in the future.
job -
ou, be gentle to yourself and do not try to be super human right now. Just be yourself, ask for help when you need it and absolutely give yourself time to grieve.
You are absolutely right (as always), I think I felt I should just "get on with it" and get back to normal. It didn't work out with h and I got it in to my head I should just pick up from where I left off, when in reality, what he did, the mind games, the rejection, the drawing me in, I just went blind to the reality of it all. It hurt, it really did and for a while I really did drop to an all time low, even lower that the first time, because the first time I was in shock and in a panic and I could not see anything clearly, where as this time, I do see more clearly and I do see how calculated this whole return thing was, it was all about him and what he wanted and then didn't want; me and my feelings and thoughts did not come in to it. Seeing this, knowing this, well it made it feel so much worse.
I have been good and I have taken a complete step back from life to get some perspective and have some reflection on how I managed to get drawn in to the whole situation so quickly and deeply. I have learnt a lot and IF there is a next time, he won't be coming back in to my life so easily.
bttrfly -
Hello my darling friend, thank you so much for your support and advice.
Let's grieve the man who just left before we think about another man. I don't mean to sound harsh and I know that you aren't 'looking for a replacement' ... I feel the same. Hey - I was almost 5'10'', 134 pounds and a size 4 when he married me. I was also 29, had no grey hair, no wrinkles and no cellulite.
Now? I'm the same height. No idea what I weigh as I'm terrified to get on the scale after what I've done to myself over the past few months since our court date. I'm wearing a size 14 and it's tight. I have about 5-10% grey hair which my darling supportive husband freaked out about and insisted that I color. Now I do that for myself, not for him. Wrinkles? Well, these fine lines around my eyes weren't there two years ago. I not only have cellulite; my cellulite goes to an annual convention at various spots around the country and sends me postcards.
I am not looking for another relationship. I have to first get past my latest dalliance with h, then look at myself and then learn to love myself unconditionally. At this point in time I can't imagine any guy being interested in me, even in the future, and that's ok, I have things I want to do and a relationship would complicate that, I don't want to find myself in a position of having to choose between a man and fulfilling a dream, I have given up my life for a man for the past 26yrs, not fulfilled any of my desires, so now its time to give myself the gift of freedom.
kml -
Second on the thyroid: stuff- slowed thinking, poor short term memory and difficulty with math are all hypothyroid signs.
I had a blood test done about 2 months ago, to get one in before I left for my trip. It came back at 3.51 which is great as my last one was 7.8. I am not sure why it came down so much, or why it went up so much in the first place, but the main thing is that is has come down to normal range.
Hawho - thank you, you always have such wisdom in what you say.
It does sound like you have some anxiety overall and understandably so. If it's not thyroid based, there is no shame in trying an anti-anxiety medication to get you through this rough patch.
I am fine now, I think I just kept burying the enormity of what just happened, on top of that starting a new job and realizing how much this mis-adventure just cost me - emotionally and financially, I ended up having a meltdown. It was bound to happen and I feel better for it, it has made me address so many things - past, present and future.
Esame
In relation to that last assignment, I read somewhere that small chunks or writing add up to great results. So maybe 15 minutes a day? Don't worry about the quality of you work just yet, only concentrate on writing for 15 minutes. You can then edit at a later stage.
I did not finish it in time, but that's ok. From completing the courses and papers I have passed, I proved to myself that I can do it if I want to, which was really the main reason I ended up doing the courses in the first place. To prove a point. I have decided not to go on to further study next year; there is nothing that interests me enough to get a large student loan for and I now have other ideas of what I want to do, and study aint' one of them
Georgiabelle -
I don't know much, however, I do know this. It sounds like you have done a great job with your boys. Awesome!
Awww, thank you. I do feel very blessed to have them both in my life and that they look to me still for advice and guidance. They have shown me much compassion since h left, I am very proud of them both.
Andrew -
Stop that crap Right There! Right Now! You are a sweet giving person with a kind heart. I know that I'm on the opposite side of the planet from you and am perhaps more than a bit of a mess myself but to me the most important thing in this world in a partner is a kind heart.
Shucks
Andrew - thank you, seriously, what you said is worth more than the all the ambergris in New Zealand lol.
So that was an epic thanks and replies to you all. I am fine, I really am, I forget its only been 5 weeks since he left, seems a life time ago really. I don't miss him, I have not had any thoughts of contacting him, I have nothing to say. He has not contacted me either, i am not surprised, he would have nothing to say I want to hear anyway.
The job is going ok, its been a really steep learning curve but I am coping with it. I think what tipped the scales for me was making myself remember that this is just temporary, a stepping stone, new skills and knowledge, it helped me relax a bit, what is the worse that can happen? If they choose not to keep me after my 90 day trial then I will be jobless ....been there before, so not something to fear.
S22 let me know that he asked his g/friend to marry him and she said yes! So he is now engaged. I am very happy for them both, she is a lovely girl. They are thinking a small wedding on a beach somewhere with only close friends and family - no mention of h ? not getting involved, its between him and his dad - although in a really horrible way (and just being honest here) I hope he doesn't get invited and then I won't have to deal with spending the day with him. I know, its a really awful thing to say.
So the latest thoughts (thanks for kml dreamboard idea) is that I REALLY want to travel, its what I was saving to do before h changed it all around ...and I let him ugh ... so the travel fund has taken a rather large hit, but nevermind. So I have 3 big dream trips and a few smaller ones - the big trips are Europe, USA and Canada. I figure - if my sums are correct - that i will be able to do my first one in 2018 if I am really frugal and house share.
I realise that I am not a huge social person, I mean I love chatting to people, and I get to do that all day long at work, but I really don't mind being on my own, its something new that I have been trying out and I actually like it. I am happy and content walking the beach, reading a book or catching up on tv, I feel its quite therapeutic. I still catch up with friends, but now they will have to be over a cuppa at home and not out to a cafe for lunch. I got an app that shows you what you can save by cutting out things you don't really need and wow, add all the little things up over a year and these trips can actually become a reality.
So its lots of photos on my dreamboard to keep me motivated and a serious economy drive and effort to make it happen. A new focus. I have always wanted to travel and now I have the opportunity to do it. I have not decided which is going to be my first trip, I will soon though, just to make it more real again.
Thanks for you love and kindness, I really could not have got to this head space without you all.
xoxo
Hi Lou, well done with bringing yourself around - alongside coping with the challenges of a new job, grieving and putting your life back on track. That's a lot to have going on and it isn't surprising it was a tough time for you.
Pleased to hear that you are looking forward and have hopes and dreams for travelling in the future too. I hope you can find a good balance of steadying out your finances and saving for new things that inspire you.
Sending warm festive wishes your way xxx
Lou,
I am so glad you returned with an update. You sound much better and I know that the job has a lot of challenges for you right now, but I know you'll conquer them in due time.
Congratulations to your son and his girlfriend on getting engaged. A beach wedding sounds wonderful and special w/just family close friends. Have they set a date or are they planning to wait a while?
Lou, since you love to travel, have you given any thought to working in the travel industry? Your experiences would be greatly appreciated by those who are wishing to travel to areas where you have visited. It's just a thought.
Lou, I have no doubt that you are going to be just fine in time. But for now, continue to be kind to yourself. Continue those walks on the beach, reading, etc. Your heart, mind, body and soul need time to heal and re-energize. You've got this!
my dearest beautiful friend,
forgive me for not responding sooner .. . well done on turning it around. yes, thinking of how good this will look on your resume and realizing it's only a step in the journey is a great perspective to have right now.
I'm glad you're allowing yourself the time and space to figure it all out. Let me know when you're traveling over here !!! I have a very comfortable pull out couch.
How wonderful that your son and his gf are engaged! Congratulations and best wishes to them! You have much to look forward to, Lou. The best is yet to come! xoxoxoxo Merry Christmas
Sotto, job and bttrfly, you gorgeous ladies, I love you and thank you.
bttrfly - consider me booked in to Chez Bttrfly! lol
Dear DB Friends, I want to wish every one of you warmest wishes for the festive season.
Whatever your situation is this year my thoughts and prayers are with you. Some will find it a tough day; for you - hang in there, keep breathing and if you need to take time out to have a moment, do it.
If you are travelling - safe trip, I hope the traffic, company and weather is kind to you.
So all that's left to say is " Turn up the music and dance" Merry Christmas xoxox
Love and Hugs to all of you DB land.
Love to to you too Lou xxx
woo hoo !!!! come on down!!! xoxoxoxo
Lou,
Merry Christmas and may the new year bring you peace and happiness. You are a wonderful supporter to the posters here and as 2016 slowly comes to an end, I can only wish you and all of the posters a very Happy New Year.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!
LouR - The New Year happened for you quite a while before it did for me. I hope it has been good to you thus far. Hold your head high and know that you can make it fabulous. While you search for some ambergris I have my lottery tickets set aside for this weekend's draw. I rarely buy them but had a couple of spare dollars and thought "what the heck"!
I remember one of the times I bought a ticket and told the gent selling to me to wish me luck. He looked at me (this was actually just after BD1 I think) and told me that I was already lucky. I thought hard and realized that yes I was. I had good friends and family who loved me. I have a good job and my health. I am indeed so very very fortunate as are you too.
Wish me luck in the lottery regardless though <smile>.
Hi Andrew, thank you for dropping by.
I too have done the lotto this week, so who knows, we may both be millionaires by the end of the evening - I am not sure which I am more likely to be lucky with; the lotto or finding ambergris ha ha
I thought about what you said about being lucky. I do consider myself lucky ....lucky that I am not my h, as that would be awful. What a terrible life to be living huh. I know I am lucky and blessed to have all that I do in my life, I found a job again quickly, that was extremely lucky, I have a roof over my head albeit in constant jeopardy and I have food in the cupboards. I am healthy and have dreams that I hopefully one day may achieve. I have the most wonderful friends that show their love ans support no matter what crazy decisions I make and I am humbled to have found so many beautiful souls here on DB. I am indeed one lucky gal.
I would be even luckier and happier if I win the lotto tonight - just a small win would do .....So Andrew my friend, I wish you good fortune with your lucky numbers tonight
Nothing to really tell you from my corner of the world, which in a way is a good thing I suppose.
Christmas and New Year were quiet, I was alone NYE which was fine with me. NYD i felt a bit low, but I think that was a bit of the "my future would have been" blues, all our plans finished, just like the year. But I am ok now, I haven't thought about it since, was just a day of reflection and they will come and go as the process continues.
Work is a mixture of challenging and boring, if you can mix the two. I am not physically active and that makes me antsy and I have put on weight since starting (does not help I found a store that sells UK chocolate), so I need to get that under control and start walking after work. I keep reminding myself that this is a temporary job, and pays the rent and bills until I can decide what I want to do and where I want to be. I have started my 6 day roster now, so every other week I do 6 days, means extra money and more going in to my travel fund.
H - have not heard from him since he left 8 weeks ago, that is fine by me, I know that in this early stage anything he has to say would not be what I want to hear, so its easier this way. The boys have been really good and don't mention their dad to me at all, I don't want to know what he is doing or where he is, anytime I do hear it puts me in a funk for a while, because right now he is portraying the fluffy clouds and rainbows persona to everyone. I know he is still on his sabbatical, so by now must be nearing living on the credit cards and overdraft. Lucky escape peoples, lucky escape ...oh another lucky thing for me
An interesting couple of conversations have come up about him from friends of hs family. One mentioned that they feel that h has been emotionally damaged by his dads behavior towards him when his dad left his mum (basically left his mum and move in with another woman when h was 11, he had more children with her and completely ignored h and his brother, resulting in them losing touch) h rarely talked about it, but what he did tell me was very sad. The other thing was an older gen friend feels that h is having a breakdown or is heading towards one and that h's parents are very worried about him. Its interesting that the first time he left it was "one of those things", but this time, people are now questioning his actions.
I have remained in my solitary retreat from the world, I am sociable at work, but outside of it I stay alone, I read, craft, watch tv or go for a walk. I have found that as I am unable to fill the void with activities and other people, I am forced in to looking at everything in my life, all the things that need tending to but I have avoided by filling my days with other things. Its been really good therapy for me, I am learning to be alone, learning to be ok and content with this. I have been reflecting on lots of different things in my life, including my "rosy" marriage and H, which turns out, actually, its wasn't so rosy and I did not like a lot of the things h did, just lived with it and accepted it.
My parents, now that is a biggy to let go of, but I realise, that I as a child, their child, I did not know their history really, the nitty gritty of their upbringing, the things that happened to them as children and adults. I talked to my godmother who knew them both and she told me as much as she could remember. I was oblivious to the pain and hurt that they went through in their individual lives. It does not excuse them for the way they treated me, but it does explain everything.
As for me right now .....I am ok, I am not happy, but I don't expect to be yet. I forget sometimes that this has only been weeks and not months or years, it feels like a lot longer than it is since he left again. I am content, I allow the tears to flow ...which does not happen every day anymore, in fact I think NYD was the last time .... I know that this will take time and I need to give myself that time to adjust and find my own way. I keep being reminded of this saying "no one knows what will happen around the corner" and that is so true, we wake up in the morning and have no idea how the day will unfold, so I hope that one day something truly fantastic will happen and it will change my life forever ....in a good way.
It may be tonight with my lucky lotto numbers lol.
Love and hugs to everyone, you are all amazing, strong and brave people, never forget that.
Right, time for homemade pizza, beer and a movie
xoxo
LouR - I really liked reading this. I like hearing about the "you" who is getting comfortable in her own skin.
Good luck in the Lotto. I didn't win the big prize - it went to someone in Quebec but perhaps I won one of the more reasonably sized ones.
Hi Andrew
I did not win either, so its back to work on Monday. No one won the jackpot here so it will roll over to Wednesdays draw.
According to a psychic I saw (cheaper than counselling and you come out feeling so much better about yourself!) I buy a house and seeing as currently I don't have enough savings to buy a garden shed let alone a house, I will either need to win on the lotto or inherit, neither of which seems likely I grant you, but they are both possibles so who knows .......
Keeping dreams alive!
Lou,
You forgot one other option...meet a wealthy man who will jump through hoops for you.
Ba ha ha ha ha, I think it more possible I will win the lotto or find ambergris than your option happening job. But unlikely as it is, it is still possible, so therefore will be added to the list.
Thank you for the chuckle
xoxo
I'm glad I could make you laugh a bit. I hope you are doing well.
Its been a couple of weeks since my last update.
Nothing much has changed in my world.
My job is going ok, I have just completed my 6 day roster week so I am bit tired, but it keeps me busy and gives me a break from my mind. I am a bit concerned they don't seem to replacing staff as they leave, we now have one gone on maternity and my shop student is due to leave in 3 weeks time and so far no sign of replacing her, so it may be me, myself and I soon.
I went to the beach for a sunset picnic with a g/friend in the week, it was a really lovely evening and nature did not disappoint and produced a beautiful sunset for us.
I have not found anywhere to live that I can afford yet, I am trying hard to remember that while I am living where I am I am saving money. I still have $3.5k to go before I am back to where I was before H arrived, I kick myself that I allowed this to happen, totally went blind to past mistakes in that moment. A harsh lesson to learn and one am paying for now.
On the subject of money, I had a bit of knock back this week. I made an appoint with my bank to discuss Mortgages for the future. I had worked out that if I live like a hermit for the next 3-4yrs and save save save, together with my goal amount and government schemes for first time buyers I would have a really decent deposit for a house, in fact nearly 30% of the house I want to buy, which I felt was good. But it seems that is not the case. What I can currently raise as a mortgage would not buy me anything near what I want, what I can get is the worst house, in the worst street, in the worst suburb - no exaggeration here. What I need to be earning to get me what I would like is so far away from realistically possible for me it was a real stomach sink moment. On top of that, because I was named on houses that h and I bought when we were together I am technically not a first time buyer, despite no longer being with h and this would be my first home as a lone buyer, so I may not meet the criteria for the early release of my government retirement scheme that I pay in to, which would have been to make up my deposit amount. Typical.
I have sat quietly with this latest news for a couple of days now. I know that its out of my control, it is what it is. But I feel like its another twist in the knife from h and his selfish actions. I had a home, he took it away from me. What is worse is that I look back and think about how my mother left me enough money to buy a home outright, so I would always be safe and have a roof over my head, and my blindness, my weakness in not being able to stand up to h, scared he would leave me, has seen me loose it all. And in the end, he has left me and I have survived. This indeed has been a very hard and harsh life lesson. I feel so sad and low, looking at what I had to what I am now having to live like - how is it that I am being punished while he is out there living his dream ....I know, I know, he probably isn't, just portrays that he is.
Which leads in to H - 10 weeks, nothing from him, I don't expect it after how things were left. Part of me wants him to start off a conversation and open communication again, but the other part of me is content being away from his life and what is happening in it; do I really want to know ....no I don't, it will just hurt as it will be happy and rainbows, the stuff he wants me to hear. That or he will do the "woe is me" act tying to get me to feel sorry for him. Neither option I like, so it is best he does stay dark. This is the longest he has gone without contact, after the first BD and before his "help me" phone call, the longest he went without contact was a couple of months.
I am not sure what direction I am going in anymore. Slightly demoralized about the house thing, I had set myself up to achieve that goal so was a high sinking to a big low in one conversation. Travel is still on the cards and more possible if I give up the house idea, but seems like I runners up prize at the moment.
Generally life is quiet, I am putting the staples into it - a job, a roof over my head and transport. So why does it feel like the universe is against me, be nice to catch a break.
Hi Lou, glad to see an update from you and it sounds as though life is moving along. I'm sorry about the mortgage disappointment - ugh. I understand how you must feel looking back at your higher standard of living, and how much your H's decisions have impacted on that.
You are one of the best I know at picking up and moving forward and I am sure you will do this again. I hope you can come up with a plan to get a cosy place in an area you like - even if that's in the slightly longer term. My house is small - two bedrooms, a lounge and kitchen - and I've decided I like it that way - less to clean - less stuff - it's all that I need really.
Your beach evening sounds lovely (on a cold January evening here) and I hope you have some more nice plans going forward.
Take care Lou xx
My dear LouR - good to hear from you. Sorry for not posting earlier but I've been slowing down my interaction here. Not much happening in my world these days although I'm sure you would be surprised at snow in your world
You'll get through this. You are a great person and you can find the strength and Joy inside yourself. Houses are just sticks and straws what matters is a Home which can be anything suitcase sized and up.
(((LouR)))
LouR,
I second what AP says. You're a powerhouse of inspiration, really, from moving to different countries, to heartbreak, to house stuff to just enjoying finding ephemera on the beach. Your strength and fortitude are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. Also, sometimes another way to get a house does arise, don't give up!
I have not found anywhere to live that I can afford yet, I am trying hard to remember that while I am living where I am I am saving money. I still have $3.5k to go before I am back to where I was before H arrived, I kick myself that I allowed this to happen, totally went blind to past mistakes in that moment. A harsh lesson to learn and one am paying for now.
Well, another way to view it is that it was $3.5k well spent, as you never have to learn that lesson again! trying for a silver lining dearest.
On the subject of money, I had a bit of knock back this week. I made an appoint with my bank to discuss Mortgages for the future. I had worked out that if I live like a hermit for the next 3-4yrs and save save save, together with my goal amount and government schemes for first time buyers I would have a really decent deposit for a house, in fact nearly 30% of the house I want to buy, which I felt was good. But it seems that is not the case. What I can currently raise as a mortgage would not buy me anything near what I want, what I can get is the worst house, in the worst street, in the worst suburb - no exaggeration here. What I need to be earning to get me what I would like is so far away from realistically possible for me it was a real stomach sink moment. On top of that, because I was named on houses that h and I bought when we were together I am technically not a first time buyer, despite no longer being with h and this would be my first home as a lone buyer, so I may not meet the criteria for the early release of my government retirement scheme that I pay in to, which would have been to make up my deposit amount. Typical.
While that is disappointing, you also are now more informed and can set your goals accordingly. Vision board that house baby!
I have sat quietly with this latest news for a couple of days now. I know that its out of my control, it is what it is. But I feel like its another twist in the knife from h and his selfish actions. I had a home, he took it away from me. What is worse is that I look back and think about how my mother left me enough money to buy a home outright, so I would always be safe and have a roof over my head, and my blindness, my weakness in not being able to stand up to h, scared he would leave me, has seen me loose it all. And in the end, he has left me and I have survived. This indeed has been a very hard and harsh life lesson. I feel so sad and low, looking at what I had to what I am now having to live like - how is it that I am being punished while he is out there living his dream ....I know, I know, he probably isn't, just portrays that he is.
Dearest, is now the time to look into divorce and spousal support? I hate to say this to you, but this situation is just not right. You were in a very long term marriage and a stay at home mother. There must be laws about this in NZ ...
I am not sure what direction I am going in anymore. Slightly demoralized about the house thing, I had set myself up to achieve that goal so was a high sinking to a big low in one conversation. Travel is still on the cards and more possible if I give up the house idea, but seems like I runners up prize at the moment.
Yes, I understand. If we lived in California, xh would have to repay me the inheritances left by my aunt and godfather, which I used to pay for home improvements and supporting the household. But, we live in a different state, with different rules so he skates on that.
I know that feeling as I felt it last year when I tried to get a mortgage to save our home. It was utterly demoralizing. Now it's a year later and I've set a different goal. It's ok Lou, it really has only been a short time. You've accomplished quite a lot in that small space of time. You just need some breathing room and a chance to really land after the last round with your MLCr.
Generally life is quiet, I am putting the staples into it - a job, a roof over my head and transport. So why does it feel like the universe is against me, be nice to catch a break.
Well, sometimes it does feel like that, doesn't it? The good news is, that feeling doesn't last. What helps me when I feel like that is focusing on the immediate - just break it down into weekly chunks of time and if that's too much, then day at a time, hour at a time or minute at a time. I have complete faith in you honey. Sending prayers and {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} xoxoxo
Hi everyone, nothing to add this weekend, so going to reply to my posts and do some journal-ling instead.
Sotto, AndrewP and Altair - thank you so much for dropping by and for your kind support and love, it really does mean such a lot to me.
Bttrfly -
Well, another way to view it is that it was $3.5k well spent, as you never have to learn that lesson again! trying for a silver lining dearest.
It was my second lesson in his spending, I am obviously a slow learner lol. In this instance there really is no silver lining, my trusting nature bit me full in the a$$ and I should have known better. My intense desire to have him back in my life temporarily gave me amnesia to his past flaws, its money I could ill afford to loose. But thank you for trying to make this sound better than it is xxx
Dearest, is now the time to look into divorce and spousal support? I hate to say this to you, but this situation is just not right. You were in a very long term marriage and a stay at home mother. There must be laws about this in NZ ...
Half of nothing is nothing, this is what he had when he left and he has even less now. He opted out of all his pension schemes (I was unaware of this until recently when in his moment of clarity we were talking future and he told me) so there is nothing to have there either and he currently has debts. As for spousal support, I am not entitled to it anymore - the law here is a judge deciding how long it would take me to stand on my own two feet, whether that be by going back to school and getting qualifications or getting a job which would pay my basic living costs. I have shown that I have and am standing on my own two feet, in fact currently I am earning more than him as he is still on his sabbatical. H gave me what was left of our house sale to live off until I found work, I had 3 weeks rent left of it in the bank when I finally got a job.
There is nothing in joint name anymore, I took myself off everything when he left after BD1. I wanted to make sure I was not named on any debts he accrued after he left, which turned out to be a very prudent move as he got a couple of loans and maxed two cc out trying to keep ow happy and live his life to the full, whatever made him feel happy he did it. He has no claim on anything I earn or inherit or win or find on a beach, we are completely separate financially and legally he can't touch me.
So as for d, he started this so he can finish it. Whilst I do think it is highly unlikely he will try to reconnect again the possibility is still there, I have not gone through all this, including the touch and go, to give up. If it naturally goes that way then so be it, for now I am single so until that status changes the door will be ajar for him - but it will be a really heavy door for him to open ....
In other h news, s20 g/friend mentioned h the other day (she does not know of the h mention ban in the house) and said he is visiting s22 this weekend - the s that was never going to talk to his dad ever again - seems like he is doing damage control with both boys now, what worries me is that once h finds his next "miss right" the boys will go to the bottom of the priority list again and they will get hurt ... again. I know there is nothing I can do about this, I do stay out of it completely, but it is hard as their mother to watch this happen to them over and over.
No contact from h, I wonder if he feels he can, he said last time he never felt he had the right to and was waiting for me to break the silence (although it was him that did find an excuse and emailed me) I am not sure how DB works with this situation. I have gone nc and he is doing the same, but how do you know if its what he wants right now, to be left alone, or if he feels to guilty and ashamed to say hi ? I honestly have nothing to say to him, so perhaps its best left alone and if he really wants to talk to me he will find a way. IDK.
So onward to another week. Joy joy, helping loved up couples plan their first/second weddings and parties, its not the greatest job for a newly single gal lol. S20 has started a new job, if he gets through his 90 day trial then he said he will be moving to the town his job is in to cut down on fuel, understandable. I wont panic rent just yet, will wait until nearer the time, a lot can happen in 3 months!
I have been thinking about a few short trips I can do on my weekends off, thinking maybe buy a 2nd hand tent to keep accommodation costs down, figured after 6 weekends I will have paid it off in motel charges, so is worth the investment. Got to do something to get me out of this funk I am in. And yes, I do know I am in one.
As always, thanks for reading and your support, keep muddling through everyone, don't forget you are amazing beautiful people who deserve nothing but the best. xoxo
Lou,
I am very sorry that things seem to be all over the place for you right now, but I have faith in you and know that you will figure things out and get back on track very soon.
As for your h, I think you are very wise in waiting him out on the divorce. If he wants it, he'll do the necessary work to get it done.
As for your sons, I agree w/you in the fact that when the next window dressing comes along, he'll put them on the back burner once again. I hope he continues to rebuild the bridges he destroyed w/his sons.
As for making you contacting him....I would continue the NC for a while. Right now, he may be getting some info about you from your sons and that is satisfying his need to know about you and how you are doing. If he wants to hear from you, he knows how to contact you. Sit quietly and allow him to come to you this time.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope things turn around for you very quickly.
Thank you job for your lovely post and advice, I do feel remaining NC is the best thing for me
My phone rang a few nights ago, a number I did not know, my immediate thought went to "I wonder if it is him and he has changed his number", my heart started thumping in my chest and for that moment I froze, I did not want to pick up in case it was him, for really he has nothing to say that I want to hear, which would only mean a conversation that I would need to think of things to say in return to what he wanted to say. So I did not answer, let it go to voice mail. In the end it was a g/friend who was using her h's phone lol. But it did show me how much I actually dont want to speak to h, I am content as things are.
Today was another momentous occasion in the dropping the rope (well I feel it is). S20 rang to ask me if his friend could borrow my old phone. I said yes and then remembered that it still contains all the text messages that h sent to me before he came back to me last year, all the lovely things he said, the promises he made, the details about his r with ow, details of his therapy etc, all of it on the phone. I could have phoned s20 back and said I have changed my mind, wanting to keep the texts safe - but what for, why do I want to keep them ......so with one very deep breath I pressed the factory reset button and erased everything on the phone, the texts, the photos, the emails. Feeling ok about it, I know that keeping them was temptation for me, that one day I would hurt myself by looking back on them. The texts were lies, no truth to the sentiment held within them, so no need to keep them.
On another note, and back to being about me ...I have spent my free weekends going on road trips, sometimes a few hours away and sometimes just up the coast, but generally in the direction of a beach. I have really enjoyed discovering new places and the scenery along the way, so a couple of weeks ago I decided to buy a tent so I can go away for whole weekends cheaply - as many places here have freedom camping sites by a beach or river that are free.
After looking at many tents I have gone for a concept tent that has only been in production for a few years - I found it on a website (don't think I am allowed to name websites) that helps turn peoples concepts into reality by the public pledging to buy the item - in my case a tent - and then when they have enough pledges they go in to production. My tent is the second generation of a concept tent and last week I was told they now have enough pledges to go into production with the new improved model so I will get mine at the end of April (which will be autumn in NZ, but hey, I have a tent no one else will have here
) So I am excited, I am part of making a concept become reality, how cool is that. I have already stated my list of places to go. I am sure I will be extremely nervous pitching my tent and being on my own somewhere new, but its quite exciting too. (Oh and before you all start screaming at your screen "its a scam" I have friends in the UK who have the 1st Gen one, so it does exist !!)
I have had a big shift in the past couple of weeks, no longer is it about him and what he has done, its become about me and the situation I am in. I do have my pity party for one moments where I am the victim and don't have the things in my life that I should do at 46, but time has made understand that I am equally to blame for the financial mess I am in, I could have been stronger and said no to his spending, so I need to suck it up, accept what is done is done and move on making the best of what I have got. I am still living in s20 spare room, I am looking for a suitable place for me, but for now I am allowing things to unfold and see what happens next, something will make my mind up for me I am sure. This is the problem with so much freedom, it comes with so many options!
xoxo
Lou,
I'm so happy you have returned to give us an update. I think you are doing just fine and are where you need to be right now.
You took a huge step in healing by deleting everything off of that phone. Sometimes, we have to do such things in order to move forward.
I have always been told that beaches and the water scene are very healing and I'm glad you are taking those road trips. They are helping you heal.
I'm curious about this tent deal. Tell me more about it.
The shift you are experiencing is going in the right direction. You are starting to focus more on yourself and you know what? Lou, it's time you started focusing on you and what you want to do w/your life. You've spent a lot of time being a wife and a mother and your sons are grown now...and...now it's your time to be a little bit selfish. Yes, free time comes w/a lot of options and it looks like you've already started doing some of those things that will bring you peace and happiness.
Lou, you are an inspiration to many here!
Hi job, thank you for showing me the way. My progress has only happened because of the guidance I receive, some of it has been harsh but necessary and some of it gentle encouragement, I am lucky to have so many that care about me.
My tent - my first thought was to how I was going to put the tent up on my own, so I looked at different size tents and could see that the size of tent I could handle was not the size of tent I would like. So that lead me to google "how to put a tent up on your own" which lead to Pop Up Tents. Not a new concept, but finding a pop up tent that was able to cope in all weathers and not just a kiddies backyard play tent was not easy to find. Within a blog I was reading the tent I have now purchased came up as a "new innovation in pop up tents" it was born in the UK.
The website backs new concepts, the public pledge money - you buy a tent but you dont get it until enough money is raised to put in into production - and the design hopefully gets enough backing to see it become reality. In 2014 the tent did become reality and feedback from its customers has seen a second generation tent be released, the same idea with pledges to put the tent in to production. This is the tent I pledged too and got told last week that after another overhaul it has gone in to production and Australia and New Zealand will be the first in the world to get the new design, followed by the UK and USA.
The tent I will be getting is a 4 man tent (shown by how many surfboards can be fit in the main sleeping area lol), it is a pop up tent but with a double skin so condensation and rain is not a problem, this is an unusual feature for a pop up. It consits of a 1.4m high main bedroom and then each end has a smaller vestibule to store belongings (the idea is at a festival you can store your muddy clothes one end and still have a clean end to get in and out of the tent), the whole tent opens up to one big tent or can be closed to 3 sections. The whole inner tents has mossie nets and full cover options.
This is where is becomes special. It has a solar power panel and a removable battery pack to charge phones and devices (important to me as a woman alone to be in communication if I should need it and to charge my phone so I can take lots of photos of my adventures). The tent peg on each corner of the tent has a LED light inside it to light the tent outside at night, two torches that turn into lanterns for inside the tent, glow in the dark guy ropes, it is rainproof to 4000hh which is 3 times the recommended amount,a bathtub groundsheet that stops any water coming in and a heat reflective cover that in summer keeps the tent cool and turned over it keeps the tent warm in winter, it also acts a blackout to the sleeping area so bright early sun does not wake you up.
The best bit of all - the record for putting in down is 1 minute !! I will be happy with 30 mins lol.
So I am very excited and looking forward to receiving my tent. I have to get past being nervous going camping on my own - or for that matter, just going away on my own - does not help when everyone says to me "ooh how brave, I could not do it", but I dont see why its acceptable for a family, or a couple or even a man to go away on his own, so why is a woman going camping alone such a big deal?
Lou,
The tent sounds awesome! I can't wait until you get it and try it out. Just think...camping and doing things on your own w/the peace and quiet of Mother Nature.
I'm very proud of you! You are stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing something different and exciting.
What a great concept! I am looking forward to hearing about all of your adventures.
You are definitely an inspiration to me for many, many reasons. Thanks for positing. It's nice to hear from you...
Lou, so happy to read your enthusiastic post. Sending you love and wishes for much happiness xoxoxo
Thank you job, such a compliment from you means a great deal.
HaWho - seriously, who are an inspiration to me, I am in awe of your determination and faith, you have shown me what the true meaning of patience and resilience is.
A bit of journalling today. I don't want to talk to my g/friends about this as I don't want anyone confusing me more or making it bigger than it is ...or knowing about this at all .. So this is for everyone here, but mainly a mans point of view would be helpful.
So here it is: I am a friendly person, I chat to everybody and generally make friends with everyone around me, it makes for a nice environment. I have done this in my new job, being friendly and joking around with all the staff, young, old, male and female, I have not treated anyone differently .....so I thought ....
One man is a couple yrs older than me and single (divorced), we are always messing around (like I do with everyone) and he is genuinely a nice guy. We got chatting the other day and he mentioned hiking and a place where he would like to go but doesn't want to do the hike on his own, he was showing me on a map and I gave my opinion on which route I would take and which huts I would camp in along the way. One conversation lead to another and he asked if I had done a local walk, Cape Kidnappers, a 6hr walk along a beach to a Gannet Colony and back again, the beach can only be accessed at low tide. I replied no, but that I would like to do it one day.
Next day he came to see me and told me he had looked at the tide times and if I would like to do the walk this weekend we could do it together (he is off the same weekends as me). So I said yes, that sounds lovely. Today we worked out details and decided that tomorrow is the best tide time and weather. And that was that, I thought no more of it.
But a colleague had overheard part of the conversation and she said "are you and x going on a date?" with a smile on her face. So this is the thing, is that what this is? I said no to her, and she said "ok" in a tone of voice of "yeah, right" so I replied slightly panic'ed "omg is this a date, do you think he thinks this is a date? I have been out of this game for so long, I didn't even consider it being anything other than a walk with a new friend" - she replied that he has been out of the game for a long time too and is probably not sure what this is either so go have fun.
This evening he text me to organise times etc and we have agreed that I will meet him at his house (I dont want s20 seeing me being picked up by a guy) and he will drive us to the starting point. We text back and forth for a bit and it was light and jokey and I ended it as I was starting to read things in to this situation that is probably not there at all.
So after changing what I will be wearing a dozen times I have got myself all worked up as to what this actually is. My main concern is that I don't want to lead him on if he thinks this is a date as I am not sure that is what I want it to be, I also am very conscious that if he thinks its a date and it does not go as well as he hopes then that makes for a bad working environment.
I know, I know, just go have fun and enjoy yourself, stop overthinking and allow things to unfold, but what if I am not ready for things to unfold, what if i hurt him, I know just how rejection feels ....and I am setting myself up for that too.
Oh dear, reading back through this I sound like a teenager, I seem to have got myself in to a situation that i am struggling to deal with rationally .....mind you, it has stopped me thinking about h and whats happening with him though lol.
Am I not seeing something that is in front of me - am I going on a date?
hi doll. i'm not sure ... perhaps? i think it would be more comfortable if you put the word date out of your mind (yeah, because *that* would be so easy to do!) and think of this as a hike with a friend who happens to be a guy.
sounds like you are both in a bit of the same place, so why not just have some company while you're there? think of him as a new friend. if he does bring up something else, then be as frank with him as you were with us.
you raise valid concerns about fishing off the company pier. however, friendship is a gift. my guy friends are just as treasured as my gf - sometimes even a bit more in the case of my brother from another mother ... his perspective is really so helpful.
So after that no help at all blathering on my part, go - have fun. be your beautiful self.
AND come back and tell us how it went!! xoxoxoxoxo
Lou,
Whether it is a date or not, go and have some fun. You deserve to have fun and just enjoy the companionship for the day. If you don't want this to turn into something more than just a one time deal, you will need to set him straight that you aren't interested in anything long term...but that is way down the road.
Go, have fun and come back and tell us how things went.
Lou - the hike sounds wonderful! I am jealous. I hiked down to Cathedral Cove and it's one of my most memorable hikes ever.
Every time you get nervous, just imagine that he is a new female friend.
You are going to feel so great after all that fresh air!
Agreed, go and have fun! Let others think what they want to think, it's nothing to do with them.
Am I not seeing something that is in front of me - am I going on a date?
LouR - Man's opinion here since you asked for one.
Yep. It's a date.
But - He appears to be coming into it with no expectations and is sharing a common interest which is a good basis for a friendship.
If there are no red flags then absolutely go and have fun. Make sure too that people who care about you know where you are - standard being safe stuff especially since you are going by the sea-side which has it's own physical risks.
Keep your own expectations low and keep your emotional and physical distance and don't allow any lines to be crossed that you don't want to be crossed. To make it more clear you could consider driving there separately. That shows that you are independent and makes that a reality. Perhaps have plans that take you in a different direction later.
He sounds like a nice guy and maybe you'll find some ambergris!
Well, I would think he has a potential 'datey' interest in you if he asked you to do this.
But I agree with others, just go along and have a nice walk out. And if you fancy doing something else together, go for it and get to know him a little better.
No need to overthink anything...he's just a guy who would like to spend a little time with you...
Hope you have a nice time :-) xx
Lou, here is my take on it (also considering some male input here that supports my thoughts, LOL.) I think the guy is interested in you, no doubt. In the last few years I learnt that even if you state explicitly that you are only interested in a friendship, the guys will still have a hope that it could turn into more… At least this was my experience
.
I would totally go on the walk and keep it friendly. You can always state your boundaries if you feel that the line is getting crossed… It sounds like your coworker is a nice guy, so he will understand. Who knows what this could develop into. You could have a new good friend. Or… it could be more than that over time, you never khow. You have nothing to lose, Lou, go for it!
Thank you so much for your advice and support, I read your messages before I left for my non-date date.
Andrew, thanks for the male perspective, I have no idea whether he has seen this as a date or just a friendly thing to do as I am single and walking the Cape is not an ideal place to be wandering around alone - like I say, a genuinely nice guy.
HaWho - Cathedral Cove and Hot Water Beach is on my list, its not too far away from me, so when my tent arrives I can go for a weekend. Sounds a beautiful place to visit.
Bright - thank you, its good to have opinions from an outside view, I have been out of the dating game for such a long time and when I met h it was an instant connection and very intense, so I have no clue as to what "dating" looks like lol.
Bttrfly, job, sotto, Coly23, thank you for your advice and support, as always I am truly grateful for everyone here, I am blessed.
So if you want to know what happened on my non-date date it is on my new thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2731800&#Post2731800