This is my first post. My husband and best friend left 7 months ago. We have been married for almost 28 years and together for 33 years. I am 55 and he 54. We have 3 great kids, S26, S22 and D20. BD was on Jan.28 and WAH moved out Apr.3. I was absolutely shocked and devastated, thought we had a wonderful close relationship. He has had almost no contact with me and the kids during this. I ended up in hospital twice for depression where WAH visited me 3 times but was very distant. I have done all the wrong things, crying, pleading, etc. It just made him run even faster into the arms of a very young girl waiting on the sidelines. Now I have gone NC as it just hurts too much to see him like this. I cannot seem to get over the loss. In the beginning he said confusing things to my kids such as 'if I come back things will have to different" and 'maybe mom and I will reconnect in the future". Fast forward 5 months and now he seems very certain he isn't coming back. He and his young GF are traveling all over the world and spending loads of money on dinners, hotels, etc. I miss my husband so much and realize without a doubt that he is in a MLC. The kids are missing him too as he seems to have no interest in seeing them or talking to them. I have read so much about MLC in the last 9 months and I know what I should be doing but I cannot seem to get over my depression and get on with my life. I think about it all the time and I am so sad all the time. How do I move on when the love of my life is gone? I really need some advise on how to deal with this...
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting:
OK so that means MORE homework.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmMichele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-62, D30,S28
Top
Hi sosad55,
I am sorry you are going through this, but here you are among people going through similar situations, who will support you. Post often, read, and do the welcome post homework. I also suffer from depression and discovered that exercise helped me a lot. Not only to look better (which helps on its own) but it worked better than antidepressants.
Good luck
Hi Sosad55, sorry you find yourself here but as Job and Esame say this is a very good place for you to be to receive support.
Your H definitely seems to be on a high with OW, however as you know what goes up must come down. They won't be able to sustain such an expensive and time consuming lifestyle for long unless you failed to tell us that your H is a Hollywood superstar with pots of money! One day they will have to come back to the reality of ordinary life and a bunch of debt!
As Job and the others will say, you need to let him go. Not give up, but let him go on his own journey and in the meantime you should also go on your own journey to live your life as best you can without him for a while.
You don't say what happened at BD. Could you expand a little more?
Hi Sad
I know how hard this is
try to take good care of yourself
try to eat and rest exercise -get support and therapy
many women have traveled this road and it seems when I was going through it I had so much support
Keep an eye on the bank accounts..as hard as it is it may be the time to get some legal advice especially if hew is blowing through a ton of money and traveling the world
The MLC will overspend and go in debt-
My XH had a thriving business that he and his younger OW put in the grave-
Keep posting
this site has a wealth of information and a lot of supportive folks-
Thank you so much for your support Job, Esame, Coly23 and Peacetoday, I really appreciate it. I have a few amazing friends and my kids who have all been there for me but the loneliness inside follows me everywhere I go...
Coly23 - a couple of months previous to BD, my husband had been more quiet than usual especially over the holidays but when I asked him what was bothering him he just said work...Then when we got back from our Xmas holidays with the kids he booked himself in to have eye surgery as he felt his glasses made him feel old. The bomb drop was two days after his eye surgery. I know he was very very stressed about the eye surgery as they had to do both eyes at the same time which he had not anticipated. I also had got strange texts from him whenever
a famous person died..David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Victoris Woods and finally Prince. I live in London so you may not have heard of a couple of them. The last text, Prince, was sent at 6:30am after he had moved out and it said "Prince 57.....s**t!!!". I had also found a couple of selfies on his phone he had taken of his thinning hair and wrinkles before he moved out. So there was definitely a concern about aging. The month before he moved out he also started to keep his phone on him 24/7 and was googling some strange 'romantic' things on his computer (yes, I was snooping then coz I was trying to figure what was going on as he denied that this had anything to do with another woman). On the day of the BD, he left for work as normal, texted me a few times during the day about the kids because they were coming home that weekend and he wanted to know if we were doing our usual pizza night with them. Then he went to his therapy session in the afternoon, came home in the evening and was acting very strange, sat in the middle of the kitchen with an odd look on his face. When I pushed him to tell me what was wrong he finally started crying and said "if I tell you you might not want to be with me, I feel like I'm going crazy". So we went for a walk and then he said "I love you but I not in love you anymore, I think I should move out for a month or two or a year or two years!" I was so shocked, did not see that coming in my wildest dreams. The kids and I all begged him to stay and try to work on it...he refused any kind couples therapy saying it was too late but agreed to stay for a while to see if he felt any different. Over the next two months he just got more and more strange and distant. Yelling at our boys when they tried to reason with him..."I need SPACE, SPACE, SPACE...I know I might loose all you guys but I feel I have to do this or I will go crazy" Finally I told him I thought he should move out for 3-6 months to sort his head out. He left with a few clothes, his golf clubs and his computer....Wouldn't tell any of us where he was moving to and we only found out three months later that he only lives 5mins away from our house. That was 7 months ago now... Initially, he said he had been unhappy for a couple of months, then it became, 6 months, then a year, then two years and finally he started bringing up stuff that had happened even before we got married??? Everybody is certain he is having a MLC even his own family but he thinks he has finally found his "happiness"...and there is no reasoning with him! I miss him so much as we were really close and I am so scared he won't come home to us. I know I can forgive him because I really do believe he is not right in the head right now. His personality has changed to the exact opposite of what it was. He was an amazing father and husband and now he has no interest at all in me or the kids.
I know I need to get on with my own life and I am trying but...
I have read everything that is on the web about MLC and know what I should be doing but I still break down and cry every time it hits me with how little care he has for me and the children. This was the man who loved his family more than anything and was always telling people how proud he was of us!
I cannot stop thinking about how I can 'wake him up" but I know deep inside that he has to do this himself.
We have a property development company that is doing well but we had a another company that we had to shut down a couple of years ago because it wasn't making any money and it had become too stressful for my husband to run two companies at the same time. I was relieved when we shut it down because I knew how much it was draining my H but I know he felt like he had failed and was very disappointed that he couldn't make it a success. He is a real Alpha male and believes he is the only one who can get things done so he takes a lot of responsibilities on his own shoulders. That has changed too as I don't think he is doing much work in between all the traveling. He is pushing to sell our family home but I am stalling as I figure that he can't spend bricks and mortar. Besides I don't need anymore big changes for me and the kids right now!
I could really use any insight you guys have on how to deal with him so that I don't make this situation any worse than it is already. The few times I have actually met with him over the last 7 months (you can count it on one hand) I try to be friendly and cheerful but then he will say something insensitive and I well up...
Hi sodad.... I'm really sorry that you have found yourself here. Sadly, you're story is all too familiar. I know just how crushing this all is.
As others have mentioned....exercise, sleep, take care of yourself and your children. It's not an "easy" feat by any means and won't "solve" anything...but it's a start to getting yourself back on your feet.
Read all you can on the subject (MLC/ Marriage/ communication) and then read some more. Look at things you want to change/improve about yourself (your psyche). I used divorce remedy as a textbook and highlighted passages to read over and over. I also took snippets of learnings and wrote my own synopsis of how each of those components played out in my life. I have tons of index cards that I would just review over and over and over and over. You do kind of need a systematic approach to this so your emotions don't get the better of you.
Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this. We're here for you.
Hi Feyth...thank you
I am wondering how my kids should be dealing with their father. I have so far told them that they need to deal with him the way that they feel comfortable. D20 has completely cut him out of her life and told him clearly that she wanted NC with him while he is behaving this way. S22 has limited text contact with him about practical stuff. S26 sees him about once a month for a 10-15 coffee. He is the only one of the children H will meet with and only for a limited time. H excuses himself after 15 minutes saying he has to get back to the office. S22 is very hurt/angry that his father never asks to see him. I really hurt for him as he always felt his dad had his back before and now he gets nothing...I guess my question is should they try harder to get closer H or just wait for H to contact them?
I'm sorry that he's acting the way he is...but he's the one that has to figure out how to rebuild the bridge between himself and the children. Your children are old enough to determine what they want to do with respect to any type of contact w/their father.
I would suggest that you be there for them, listen to them, but don't attempt to fix the situation between them and their father.
Job
Yes you are right...they are old enough to choose how they want to deal with their father. I do worry about the boys because they don't even want to talk about their father anymore. D20 has at least protected herself by NC so she has no expectations of hearing from her father whilst the boys keep hoping he will contact them...
I am reading the DR book and think it is great but how do you use any of the tools when you have almost NC with H bar the odd short email that just relates to "can you pay this or sort that?"
I have so many questions....he has run even further away since he found out I had been hospitalized twice for severe depression
and I don't know how to bring him closer again...
MLCers tend to avoid people with illnesses and/or people near death because it reminds them of mortality. Oh, they may call or text to inquire how you are feeling, but many of them will not be there to support you.
How do you use to the techniques? Well, for starters, you need to keep the focus on you and your family. If and when he contacts you, be civil and/or pleasant. Listen to what he has to say and validate what he says. Do not argue w/him about things. If something doesn't sit well w/you, you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'll have to get back to you later because I need to think about what you are saying". You can also tell him that you need to go and get off the phone. Keep conversations on safe topics such as the children, etc. Do not bring up the relationship or why he left. I would even venture to say that you don't bring up your own medical situation unless he asks. Do not ask a lot of questions...the more you listen, the more you'll be able to pick up on his thoughts and what he's doing. They do love to talk...so let him.
If he comes over, make sure you have something really delicious baking in the oven. The aroma will stay w/him after he's gone. You want to be his lighthouse in the storm and you can't be that if you are begging, pleading, talking relationship talks, etc. The more you push, the harder they pull away.
I don't know if you've been reading the threads here, but I would suggest you start doing so. There is a wealth of info in each of the threads. Continue to post your questions and please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. You can also change your Subject Line within a thread at any time.
Hey Sosad. I'm so sorry this has happened, but glad you found your way here. This place was a lifesaver for me. I get that there are so many mixed feelings involved when this happens to a family. Job is right; at their ages your kids can figure out how they want to deal with their father. I will go one step further, though. As moms, we want to make our children not hurt; we want to make their pain go away. Yet we are in a huge amount of pain and confusion and anger and grief all tied up in a constantly morphing ball. Our comfort, safety and future just blew into a million pieces with BD. So, here's where I get to tell you not to do what I did.
Its tempting to talk to your kids about their father and what's going on. After all, they are the ones that know him best after you, right? Everyone else who hears what has happened won't know the good things about him that would make him worth standing for...only the kids will understand, right? So tempting...but don't. As much as they are adults, they will always be "children" in their heads when it comes to their parents. Both of you. So, first and foremost, you need to find supportive people (IC and really close friends or relatives...and this board) to vent to about all of your feelings, good, bad and awful, and all of your ideas and theories about what happened and what you can do so that you don't accidently vent it to the kids.
GAL and focus on you. We all struggle with it, but it is soooo necessary! GAL does not mean to schedule so many activities that you exhaust yourself, although in the beginning of all of this, it does help to keep your mind busy and be tired enough to sleep. Get SELFISH. Go do the things you've always held back on, the things you felt guilty about doing for whatever reason. The things that will make you feel good because you want to do them. Eat that cheesecake, buy new clothes (if you have depression diet effects, you'll need it), climb that mountain, train for that marathon (Feyth is the ultimate GALer) or just go watch a movie that YOU wanted to see...by yourself. Binge watch a tv show on Netflix with a giant bowl of popcorn.
Then, when your adult children need mom, be mom. Be their rock. Tell them you're coping, and really no more. Show them you're ok...tell them about your GAL adventures. Try not to speak ill of their dad...its tempting...but just shrug and let them know, he's on a journey. They should still love him as their dad, even when he is acting unloveable and...weird.
Early on, I tore my own kids up, pumping them for info on what my H said or did, telling them how sad I was, showing my devastation, asking them why he woud do this, and telling them things he had done that were devastating to me. That's a big "DON'T". I've had to work very hard to regain my footing as mom, the person they could come to for comfort. And that's what they need to see. I've found that being that honest mom who was always open to her kids because we could share everything and had "that kind of relationship" was not the wy to be in crisis. They really just want to know that we, and thus everything else, will be ok. Even as adults. So in this instance, we really need to fake it 'til we make it.
Post often, share often, and we will get through this together. DR is a great guidebook...you'll find re-reading parts through this journey will have different meaning as you hit different phases. Carry on, Sosad. It gets better.
Thank you Job, he doesn't call me or come over and he doesn't ask me about my depression or how I am so that's not a problem:(
The few occasions when I have met him to hand over his post after it has piled up here for weeks, we do talk about the kids but he can't help himself but say something he knows will make me sad then I do well up and just excuse myself and leave...I have read all the threads many times and I think I know what I should be doing for the most part but I am still very emotional if he is cruel. I keep trying to find a stable balance. For now I have decided not to contact him or see him until I think I can do it without being emotional. I have blocked him from my phone so if he needs to contact me he will have to email. I need to grow a hard outer shell before I can see him again.
I understand what you are saying about the kids, ciluzen, but I have already made the same mistakes you did with them. I have pulled myself together though in the last few months. I told the boys (D has gone NC with her father) that if my H brings up our relationship (which he always tries to do)to tell him that that is for him to discuss with me and not them so they don't get caught in the middle and so they don't have to hear the rubbish he tells them.
I have definitely been on the depression diet and for once in my life I can eat away without feeling guilty:) I now weigh the same as I did in university. I guess there is an upside to this nightmare...but I think I would rather be fat and happy than thin and sad!
I have started a charity in Tanzania at a local school and have been out there twice already. I have been to see my mother and my mother-in-law (who is very supportive), who both live in different countries, and I have taken an upholstery course and hoping to do a technical drawing course soon. So I am starting to GAL but, at the moment, I feel like I'm just going through motions and unable to enjoy it much as I still struggle with my depression most days. If you see a weepy middle-aged woman wondering around London...it's me! Gotta pull myself together...
Hi Everybody, I've had a few good days just doing a bit of Christmas shopping and seeing friends but feeling quite low again this morning as I haven't heard a peep from my WAH in over a month now. I had blocked his number on my phone but he could still mail...don't know if he has tried to text me or not as he isn't aware that I blocked him. Should I continue to leave him alone and wait for him to contact me? This is the longest he has gone without sending an email or text....
Could really use some advice, please
I'm sorry that you are feeling a bit down, but you will have ups and downs along the path and that's why it's called the rollercoaster of emotions. It's a one step forward, two step process.
You may not hear anything from him for a while. They do tend to disappear for days, weeks, and even months. Why? Because they are out there discovering the world of no responsibility and having what they consider fun, just like teenagers. Eventually, he will contact you, especially if he wants or needs something from you.
Have you given any thought to unblocking his number on your phone? It might be a good idea to do so in case of an emergency, but that's up to you. As for contacting him, I would leave him alone and allow him to come to you. Don't worry...he still thinks of you, especially at night when all is quiet in the world and he has no distractions to focus on.
Continue to focus on you and your family for now. When he's ready, he will contact you.
Thank you Job for your reply...I have just unblocked him again.
I guess I find it hard to believe that he can lie awake at night and think of me when he seems to have no care for me at the moment and when he is lying next to a twenty-something instead of a fifty-something. How am I even supposed to compete with that? It really hurts to be replaced by a newer younger version...I have always keep myself fit and looked after myself and still he walks out on me...am I just supposed to ignore the other woman?
There is absolutely no comparison between you the ow. Sure, she might be younger, but that may get old very quickly when he can't burn the candle at both ends and when the finances get tighter and he can't spend money on all the things that she may want.
You are his wife. The woman who has lived w/him for many years, you know him and what he's thinking, you were his friend, companion, lover and supporter. You are settled, independent and wiser than the ow is. Don't sell yourself short...you have a lot to offer in this day and age. You are the prize and if he's foolish enough to think that he ow loves him, he will be greatly mistaken down the road.
The ow is just a Band-Aid to what ails him right now and that's his ego and yep, acting like a teenager. Don't be foolwed by the way he's acting, i.e., happy as a clam, because he's not. He's searching for something and that search is all about finding himself. The person that was emotionally stunted as a young child/young adult. He's gone back to that time to try to find himself. Hopefully he navigates his crisis well and returns to a mature, self assured man and comes to his senses and realizes what he has lost along the way.
Yes, they do think about us, especially at night. They try very hard to block us out of their memories and they tend to compartmentalize things...but when it's quiet and there is nothing to occupy their minds, that is when the guilt of what they've done to us creeps in. They even keep cards, letters, emails, wrapping paper, etc., when we give them things. They say that they've tossed the stuff away, but many of them don't. They remember more than we think they do, especially around holidays and special events...so, do not for one minute think that he doesn't think about you because he does.
Continue to be you. Be that self assured woman that you are and continue to look after yourself. Don't allow the ow to have space in your head unless she's renting. She's not worth it. Think positive and breathe!
Just the pep talk I needed right now, Job, thank you so much!
My middle son just met WAH for 20 min to discuss jobs...S22 is job hunting atm. Didn't get any useful info about job but H told him that he felt he was in touch the children same as before he ran away so it hasn't changed his relationship with them????...I cannot understand how he can even think that..he used to be so involved with their lives, spent all the holidays with them, was on the phone with them at least once a week when they were away at uni. Since he has walked out 7 months ago he has seen D20 once for 30 min, S22 fours for 20min at a time and S26 once or twice a month for 15-20 at a time. What is wrong with his memory? Does he not remember how important they were to him and vice versa? We did so much together as a family...
Your h thinks the world revolves around him. When they leave, the spouse, children, pets, etc. are all but forgotten. In his mind, everyone is fine and dandy w/him walking out the door and not staying in contact. It's all part of the depression/MLC. You are trying to make rational out of irrational/emotional thinking.
Right now, it doesn't matter to him how happy he was in the marriage and with his family. Doing things together pre-crisis doesn't matter to him because in his mind he's been a very unhappy camper for a long time. You know how the marriage and family life was...so put those happy memories in a box and store them on a shelf in the closet. Bring that box of memories out when you feel down. Don't allow him to serve up the Kool-Aid that they life to serve up every now and then. You know what was real and what wasn't.
I suggest that you read up on depression. It can really serve up some whammies when it comes to memory and how people feel. Depression affects men and women differently. Depression is the main ingredient of MLC and you will see and hear things that do not make a whole lot of sense to you...but to him they do.
Here's a link that you might find useful:
In Tandem--MLC and Depression
Job - the link is a real eye-opener, thanks!
What I don't understand is, I have major depression and am completely aware of that and have taken steps to try to deal with it. However, I believe that my WAH is in a manic depression so why is he not aware of it? My younger brother suffered from depression and finally committed suicide when he was 26 and he knew he was depressed and tried for many years to help himself. Why is H not taking steps too help himself? How can he not see what everybody else sees?
M55
WAH54
S26, S22, D20
BD 01/17
Moved out 04/17
Still floating in space...
I have a question re. Christmas and gifts. I normally do a little gift calendar for everyone in my family the 24 days up to Christmas. Should I do one for my husband this year or not? What about Christmas presents to him? The children and I are away so we won't be spending it with WAH (unless he wakes up before then) I imagine he is planning on spending it with OP somewhere exotic...
People in MLC do not act rational and/or normal because they are emotionally charged and many of they do not think that they have any issues w/depression once they've begun replay. You are dealing w/a man child who is thinking like a teenager which means they think that they will not have anything wrong w/themselves for a while.
The holidays are something that we touch on every year around this time. So, if you would normally do one for your h, then it's up to you to decide whether to do the calendar or not. As for the gift giving, I would purchase something that isn't too personal and put it in the children's names. I would also purchase something that you from you and if he doesn't give you anything, then return it to the store...but sometimes, they do purchase things for the LBS. Again, this is something you have to decide, but if you do something for him, do it in the spirit of the holiday and don't be too disappointed if he doesn't do anything for you, i.e., in other words, keep your expectations at zero.
Just went for a walk and H drove right by with his GF...I am devastated! I haven't seen him with her before... how do you cope with that?
You dig deep for your inner strength, find something physical to do, i.e., beat a pillow until the stuffing comes out, go to the gym and really do a workout, weed the flower bed, anything that will help release some of the hurt, anger and disappointment of what has happened.
Yep - that's a kick in the gut. I've been fortunate that that's only happened to me once. I changed my route and then W moved.
You'll recover in time. I did and so has everyone else.
What helps me sometimes is (other than re-reading everything that job has ever written to me) is to remind myself that my W isn't well and that that is a big part of the life choices that she has been making.
We had a man who went by the alias of Jack_3_Beans who I was priviliged to know through this forum and through his words of kindness, wisdom, and occasionally "wake the f@ck up you idiot" that he would write to me. If you haven't read this I suggest you do so. I re-read it again today for the "I really don't know how many"th time
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017Sadly we lost Jack recently but his words and message live on in his writings and in the hearts of those like me that he touched.
Job and AndrewP - thank you for being there...I have actually printed Jack_3_Beans words out myself and read and read and it does help a lot. I guess I just still find it so surreal that this is my lovely H who is doing this! He always thought guys who did what he is doing now were so sad and pathetic and now he has become one of those guys! If he "wakes up" will he ever be able to forgive himself???
Sorry sad
I know how much it hurts
(((HUGS))))
Remember OW are like bandaids
they cover up the pain
The MLCer will affair down-the woman that will date married men are usually trash
Many of them have psych issues or/with drugs or control
Although they may seem euphoric in the beginning, they usually do not have fairy tale endings
Do whatever you can to take care of yourself
Get support from others and keep posting
Apparently my husband has taken his wedding band off...it just gets worse and worse...my heart is breaking...I just don't think I can take any more!
One day at a time my dear. One day at a time. Just focus on the "now" and the "you".
Even though I got whacked over and over and over with 2X4 for it I have found my own adult children to be a great comfort to me on this journey. In my case (I believe) they know nothing of the A but have always been quick with real or texted hugs and I have asked them to share the joy they have in their lives with me which puts joy into my own. I hope your own adult children have been supportive of you. Just don't ask them to take sides - that is a choice they have to make for themselves.
Thank you AndrewP and peacetoday.
My kids have been a great support to me and have also been very hurt by their father's lack of interest in them ( his refusal to do anything to save our M) and the two younger ones did confront H after BD when he talked rubbish and tried to reason with him. As a result H distanced himself a lot from them and only asks to see the oldest son occasionally. So they are very hurt and angry but do understand that he is having a MLC and is not their old dad. All of them point blank refuse to have any conversation about GF and have let him know clearly. I think it makes it very difficult for H to have a normal conversation with S22 and S26 (D20 has NC with H at the moment) as it seems his whole life now involves GF... I don't know how to advise them on how to deal with the whole situation...they are very lost as well and I really want to help them but I think they worry about me too much!
Woke up this morning and cannot stop crying...I miss my H so much , I miss my happy life, I miss having my family all together. I cannot bare the thought that that might not happen again. I have not spent Christmas without my husband in 34 years. It's been over seven months since he left and I'm loosing hope that he will find his way back to me...and I just don't think I can cope with that...the only thing that has kept me going so far is hope...
Your h hasn't been gone that long. Seven months is a drop in the bucket when it comes to a spouse walking out the door. I do understand how you feel especially w/the holidays approaching. It's not easy, but you've got to feel those emotions and let them go. So, pick yourself up, pull up your big girl panties and start making some new traditions for the holidays. Go visit family and friends and if you don't have any in the immediate area, plan to serve up meals at the local shelter. Go visit people in the nursing home or in the hospital who do not have family around during the holidays. Just remember, you are the only one that can control your life and if you choose to sit on the pity pot for a long time, well, life will not get any better. Take back your life and start doing things that make you happy.
You don't know what the future holds for you and your family. Your h may opt to return or he may opt to completely walk away, but whatever happens...you need to get stronger, more independent and wiser. There is always hope and the more positive you become, the more doors that will open for you. The world is ready to open its arms and embrace you, but you've got to take one step at a time and stay positive.
Take back your power and start walking forward. Let me ask you this question...what would you do if your h were in a coma? Think about that question and I'd like to hear what you would do and how would you handle the situation.
Feel those emotions and release them and then grab those big girl panties and pull them up and get moving. I know you can do this! One step at a time, one day at a time.
Job - Is that what you refer to being hit over the head with a 2x4? I have gone out bought myself some big girl panties:-))) You are so right and I do know it. The mornings are particularly difficult with depression and the world always looks very bleak. It's like I wake up and realize the nightmare continues...The kids and I have already planned a completely different Christmas and New Years from what we usually do and MIL is joining us as well. We are all looking forward to it even without H.
Your question "what would I do if my husband was in a coma?". Good question. I would be very sad and very worried but I would take charge...I think for me the difference here is as well as being very sad and very worried, I am also very hurt by what he is doing now with GF and his lack of empathy for what we are going through and lack of love for us. It kills me to know that he is showering another woman with his 'love' and attention and not me! He has been my man since we were 20 years old and I am not into sharing! He has always treated me like I was the only one and been very romantic even after all these years so it hurts so much that he just flipped a switch and turned off his love for me when I still feel so much love for him. I wish I could get really mad at him for what he is doing but I just don't seem to able to...thank you, Job, I really do appreciate you being there to push me off the pity pot!
I feel the same, sosad......I'm actually looking forward to Xmas and the new year in a strange way though.
I just want this year over. 2016 has been a heck of a year for many.
Dinner will just be me, my mum and my kids. He will be with his GF.....how bloody sad.
I wouldn't swap places with him in a heartbeat. I hope he comes back....but if he doesn't......I have so much more than him.
A big Welsh (((cwtch))) to you from me.
Hi SS55, sorry you had a rough start to the day. I can recall another poster in Newcomers - it may have been pigpen or mutatio (or perhaps Caliguy) - having an morning routine.
It involved (something like) a short meditation, a little journaling, some yoga, then make the bed, practice gratitude - and you're good to go.
Now this may sound a lot, but it doesn't take long to do these things:
Do a five minute meditation (maybe find an app that has them?)
Journal about one nice thing that happened yesterday
Write down three things you are grateful for right now
Do a few minutes of yoga stretches.
You may find that 10 or 15 minutes can really impact positively on how you feel. And these are also baby steps towards taking charge of your own life (whatever your H may be doing.) I hope you'll give this a try. These ideas come from Shawn Achor's TED talk on happiness which has helped me a lot.
Hope tomorrow morning is a better one! X
Sotto - thanks for the suggestions.
I usually get up, feed the dogs and then go for a long walk down along the river and back through the park but it was raining this morning...but I'll try your suggestions on rainy days! x
Hi Westo - I read your thread and, yes, ours is a similar story and time frame.
My H gained weight initially too but now he has lost it again and then some...I have no idea if it's on purpose or not. He does always look very tired. It did in the beginning make me think there couldn't possibly be an affair going on because he was chubby and he didn't shave or have his hair cut but, silly me, of course there was! He has also started wearing weird hippy bracelets and this an M&S clothes kind of guy... Hugs
Gaining weight, losing weight and being tired are most likely symptoms of depression. Read up on depression and you'll notice that your h may be exhibiting some of the depression behaviors.
HI Sad
I like all the suggestions you were given
It is a difficult time-
-the feelings hurt but they always pass once we stop and feel them
good that you cry when you need to-
I t is hard to start over,,but we do have a choice on how we do it and the example we set for others like our kids ,nieces, family, and fiends etc. not to mention the world and others who are struggling
and for ourselves, because life does get bumpy here from time ti time
we learn tools we take with us for the rest of our lives
peace-
was! He has also started wearing weird hippy bracelets and this an M&S clothes kind of guy...
Lol......weird fashion choices seem to be a common MLC symptom. One woman here had a husband who started wearing a raspberry beret. No lie! My ex didn't change his clothes but he did start shaving his junk.
Thanks everybody for your comments. It helps me so much. I cannot wait for 2016 to be over - it has just been a crap year in every way!
Kml - shaving the junk?...sounds tricky!
Any ideas on how long these MLC affairs normally last? I've been told he acts like he's a puppy in 'love'. Can't imagine it's the real thing since he was well and truly in a messed up frame of mind when he started to see her...
I don't think he has any issues from childhood, just the failure of a company three years ago, fear of aging and I did catch him getting off while watching porn 10 months before BD and I went nuts/hurt/cried. I made him feel very bad about it but I thought we got over it, we talked a lot about it and he went for IC to try to stop. He was very loving for a long time after that. Now he tells people he went for IC to try and get out of his marriage. But then he also told my son that he went for IC to go through a program to stop feeling like a pervert...he says I called him a pervert...I don't remember that at all but have apologized many times to him if I did and, of course , I wouldn't have stayed with him if I truly thought he was one...but he still goes on and on about it. I feel very guilty about making him feel so bad about it because my IC told me that it was probably a stress coping behavior...he has brought up as justifying him leaving many times. Felt I was judging him! Is it just another excuse? xx
There's no telling how long his affair will last. It has to die a natural death and one that you didn't help along. Why? Because if you interfere w/that relationship, he will only step up to the plate and protect her for all she's worth and you will come off looking like the mean witch from Oz. When the affairs die a natural death, it will because one or both of them have called it quits because it's not working out. That could be a month, year or even years down the road. Most of the time, MLCers tend to stick w/one ow. Some do experiment w/others along the way until the find one that will meet their emotional needs. Just keep in mind that if he hadn't hooked up w/this one, he would have found someone else.
The ow is nothing more than a crutch to his crisis. He's on an emotional journey to figure things out as to why he was hurt so long ago. You may not even be aware of childhood issues/drama because he's suppressed it for so many years. It could have been something that he blocked out and didn't want to discuss...but when midlife rolls around, aging begins, etc., that's when something flips the switch and they begin to look at where they are and that life is getting far too short and they have to go back and attempt a "do over" to see what they think that they've missed.
If you have apologized about the possibility of calling him a pervert, then stop doing it. Once or even twice is enough of an apology. I suspect he's now projecting on to you what he thinks he thought he might be...a pervert. So, the next time he brings up the subject, just tell him you are sorry that he feels the way he does and that you've already apologized to him about the comment. Then find something else to do or walk away, but don't stand there and allow him to make you feel bad about what transpired a while ago.
He's trying to find a reason to leave home and you've not given him one. As for the IC...many of them visit with the IC and then state that they are doing it to help them leave the marriage. They hear what they want to hear and run w/it.
I hope that you are reading some of the other threads on this forum. You will discover that your h is going through some of the same things that others have posted here. You aren't alone...we are a family. I would also suggest that you read as much as you can about MLC and depression. Knowledge is power.
Please try to keep the focus on you and your family as much as possible. I know it's difficult, but you've got to take care of yourself and be sure to watch your finances and bank/credit card accounts. It's important that you do because the norm is that they do love to spend their money and yours as well.
Hard to say how long an Affair will last
some end quickly
usually the OW is not very put together and has issues-who else would go for a M Man
I think the more we stay out of it.the better
we just have to wish them the best or they will go faster and father if we talk bad about this new girl-
I had no contact with the OW ever(now XH wife)
she called here once or twice (I think she enjoyed the fact that she won the prize..my xh)
But recently , I learned xh is trying to get out of his Marriage and is extremely unhappy
It takes time for the euphoria end
but it always does-
because another person can't save us or take us our of crises..only prolong it
but the MLCer has to try and they all seem to.
Rarely, do I hear from any LBS that their MLCer is extremely happy and well adjusted in their new life and as the years progress they get worse unless they come to
hang in there
I haven't spoken to H about the OW other than to say that I knew he was having an affair with a young girl because he had denied that for 6 months...I told him I didn't want him to talk about OW to the kids, our mutual friends and myself ever...to keep that part of his life away from us. I also told him that as far as I was concerned she was just a symptom...maybe I should have left that part out:( He did acknowledge in a conversation that he realized that his relationship had an expiration date due to the age difference...what a fool to walk away from a happy family for something temporary!!!
Job - I know I have to keep an eye on the bank accounts, etc. but it really hurts to see all the money being spent on holidays, dinners, etc. so I really try not to do that too much. Also I thought we weren't supposed to snoop??
Thank you everybody for you input. xx
Where in the world did you get the idea that checking your bank and credit card statements was snooping? It is in your best interest to stay on top of those things. Keeping an eye on your credit card and bank accounts is not snooping. It is important that you watch your money! It's called being wise and knowing when to open an account in your name to protect some of your assets and to ensure you have money to live on and take care of your family, epecially if you start seeing a lot of money going out of the account and it's not being spent on the family and home.
Have you thought about setting up your own account and putting some money aside in it? What about credit cards? You need to seriously think about having your name removed from the joint cards and setting up your own credit card.
We have had posters in the past that didn't heed our warnings about keeping an eye on the financials and assets and they lost a good deal of money and were responsible for quite a bit of the credit debt and home equity loans taken out during the MLC trip because they didn't think their spouses would do such things and then it was too late. Don't for one minute think that he will care if you and your children have money for food, etc....because once he's deep in MLC (if he is), he may very well spend like it's going out of style just to impress his young lady friend and have fun at your expense. It's all about them and what they need to be happy.
When we caution people about snooping, it is about checking their phones, email accounts, Facebook accounts, etc.
Job - thanks for your advice. We have two joint bank accounts. I use one and he uses the other. At the moment, I am comfortable and can keep going for quite a while yet with what is in the account I'm using. On my lawyers advice, I took out half of what was in this account and put it in a savings account in my name. She said that if I took all of it it would not look good if we went for a divorce. I check my joint account daily to make sure he doesn't dip into it. Since I am also on his account I can see what he spends his money on. Our company income goes into his account and he uses it to pay for the bills and mortgage...and his travels, etc with OW. So far, he is not spending more than he gets into his account but he does go through a lot of money and a lot is spend on keeping OW happy:( My lawyer said that if this amount is substantial I can claim it back if we do end up divorcing as technically he is not supposed to spend marital money on an affair. We have equity in our property and everything is joint so he can't sale anything without my signature... I can't check anything like emails, phone, etc as he changed passwords on everything when he moved out...so no snooping could be done even if I wanted to. He is completely paranoid about everything...right down to wanting to have his name removed from our British Airways family account because he thought I could see where he was traveling to...which I couldn't and tried to explain that to him but, no, he didn't believe me. I don't lie to him and he always said I was the most honest person he knew. Now he thinks I'm just trying to "trap" him into coming home and lying about everything in order to do it...wicked me! How can a man who had so much respect for me completely flip to the reverse and think of me as manipulative and conniving...it really hurts when I just love him and want him back in my life so much...
Sosad55 I know it's hard, but try not to take things like that personally. Of course he doesn't trust you. He is cheating and lying, why should he think that other people are still honest? Also he is probably paranoid about everything that's why he thinks you want to trap him. My H asked me to not "use his mum" as she was going through chemo. I never used anyone, let alone my sweet MIL. And anyway, that coming from her only son that chose to go on a holiday resort instead of visiting his mum during chemo (in the same country) and lied about his whereabouts at the same time, was a little rich in my opinion.
Anyway, try to not take it personally, it's not a reflection of your personality, just part of his delusional perspective.
Esame - I really wish I didn't take it personally but it feels so personal and unfair. I'm so sorry about your situation as well. I hope your MIL is OK. I went to visit my MIL in the US recently and I asked her if she would be seeing my H anytime soon...she just answered "I don't think I will see him again"...she is 91 years...he won't see her now because she doesn't approve of what he is doing. It is so sad and he will never forgive himself if anything happens to her while he is in MLC. He was her golden boy!
Question - would it make help my H to see an IC/MC to speed up this process? Or would it just make things worse while he is in the MLC/Affair fog? Has anybody had a luck with that? ...think I already know the answer:(
xx
IC/MC will not speed up the process. Besides, he's no where near ready to even think about that. He doesn't think that there's anything wrong w/him at the moment. In some cases, the IC/MC will make matters worse because the MLCer is only going to hear what they want to hear and hopefully what they hear will tell them to leave the marriage and divorce the lbs. Some go to IC/MC just to please the spouse and only go once or twice.
The best thing is to just leave him alone. Like an addict or alcoholic, you can't help them...they have to want to seek help themselves.
I'm very sorry about your MIL. I'm not surprised that he's avoiding her. It's not just because she doesn't approve of what he's doing, but he see her as an old woman and the mortality reminder is there when he looks at her.
I'm so sorry about your MIL
. I hope that things will improve between them
Had another sad sad morning...took a long walk but then broke down and cried on a bench...nice man came along and chatted with me for almost an hour. There really are some very kind people in the world!
Emailed my H's business partner last night to see if I could meet him just to catch up on what is going on with our business as I have NC with H atm. I haven't heard back...I don't think H wants me to meet with him as I might actually tell the truth about what is going on behind the scenes. I did in my email say I only wanted to discuss business so as not to make him uncomfortable...I don't see any point in discussing my H with him as I have heard he already believes H is in a MLC and is also unable to change H's mind.
Why can I not find a place in my head for this...
I haven't heard from my husband since Oct 5 (6 weeks) except for a very short email 4 weeks ago just asking me to sort something on the car. The last text he sent me was the day I was flying over to visit his mother and it was basically to say he wasn't coming home...he was on a different 'path' now but he loved me and wanted me to be happy just not with him. I replied that I wasn't having any discussions about that in the near future as neither one of us were ready and not to text or email me as I was in a real state by then. I don't know how to proceed now...do I just continue to leave him alone? Please I could really use some advice now... he continues to have very little/to none to do with our children and doesn't see any of our mutual friends so I have no idea what his state of mind is now...I emailed his business partner just asking for an update on what is going on with our business but he has not replied...
The business partner may feel uncomfortable in responding back to you right now. People, in general, do not want to be in the middle of a marital situation, i.e., separation/divorce. In his mind, he could very well want to distance himself from you for the time being because your h may have painted his rewritten history picture to him. Also, he may think that you have an ulterior motive for asking for the info, i.e., to tell him about your situation or try to get info from him. From his non-response, I would suggest that you contact your accountant for info or have your lawyer request the info.
As for contact your h...be still and be patient. He's not ready to contact you or see the children. It takes time for them to work on themselves and a MLCer does not like to be pressured into doing something that they aren't ready to do. The best thing you can do is reassure your children that their father loves them. Only contact him if it's an emergency, but other than that...leave him alone.
I know that this is very difficult for you and the children, but the more you pursue him (calls, texts, emails, etc.), the more he's going to distance himself.
Thank you Thank you Thank you, Job...your advice is so reassuring! His business partner just emailed me back and said he would meet me next week. How should I deal with that...just leave my H completely out of the conversation? What if he asks how we are doing? Truth or say we are fine and dandy? xx
How should you deal w/meeting the business partner? The same way you would in the office. You have your list of questions about the business and leave the conversation to nothing but business. You want this person to feel safe and willing to speak to you about the business in the future.
If he asks how you are doing, I would say okay. You do not need to go into detail w/this person about your personal life and/or what is going on in your marriage. He/she is nothing more than an employee and you don't own him/her an explanation of what is or isn't going on.
Be sure to thank this person meeting up w/you.
Hello sosad55,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Job is right, keep the conversation strictly business when speaking with his business partner. Are you a business partner too? Be prepared to see your H at the office. How will you handle that?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hi Job and Cristy
I really appreciate your advice. I'll be meeting the business partner (P) for a coffee outside the office. I am a partner as well but don't work in the office and not working at all since this happened. P is also a friend, close to my H and not so close to me. But he is a really decent guy. He and his wife have socialized a few times with us over the past many years and my H plays golf regularly with him and, of course, sees him everyday in the office. I haven't been in touch with him or his wife since H left because I know H has shared his version of what is going on. There is a good chance that P will ask questions about the kids and me and how we are getting on...I'm pretty sure he knows we are not OK...so how do I deal with the questions? I will try and stick to business only but I am a lousy liar and if he asks more probing questions...??? xx
Hi So Sad
Just know that you are not alone in this
Your H is displaying the same type of behavior than mine and so many others have
Juts remember it is NOT your fault..
In MLC they seem to follow a lot of the same behaviors
some are
they are:
1.terrible parents
2.spend like theres no tomorrow
3.let go of responsibility
4.have an OP and or new friends sometimes younger
5.LIe
6.rewrite history
7. dress differently/dye hair/get tattoos/motorcycles/cars/piercing
WE have to create a new life slowly and let them go
grieve and get therapy and or support
work on being there for yourself and the kids
take good care of yourself by eating, resting exercising
keep posting
You will get through this,,the pain will pass
Good luck for the meeting sosad. I hope it all goes well.
I agree with job, keep it strictly professional.
Take care xxx
Thanks peacetoday and esame :-)
I will try my hardest to stick to business only when I talk to P.
So my mother told me story about a couple she knows very well. It happened 25 years ago. The H dropped a separation agreement on the breakfast table and told W to sign it as they were now separating. W had no idea anything was wrong in the M. They had just celebrated W's 50th with a huge party and were supposed to go away together for a romantic holiday a few days later. W flipped as expected and H forced her to move out of the house. The first year H was mean mean mean (very unlike him because he is a really gentle pleasant guy), the second year they had a few dates which ended in the bedroom but he was still pushing the divorce through. Finally, in the third year, he decided to drop the divorce and W took a year to decide if she wanted to move back in with him after all that had happened. They are still happily married today. I spoke to both W and then H yesterday. W's story was so similar to mine. H said the first year he didn't miss W at all but the second year was hell. He said he never ever wants to go through such a crisis again and is so happy it is behind him and that his W was willing to take him back. H was 54 when his crisis started...same age as mine! I know there are no guarantees but still comforting to hear a happy ending. Three years separation...such a long time though! xx
Hi Job and Cristy
I really appreciate your advice. I'll be meeting the business partner (P) for a coffee outside the office. I am a partner as well but don't work in the office and not working at all since this happened. P is also a friend, close to my H and not so close to me. But he is a really decent guy. He and his wife have socialized a few times with us over the past many years and my H plays golf regularly with him and, of course, sees him everyday in the office. I haven't been in touch with him or his wife since H left because I know H has shared his version of what is going on. There is a good chance that P will ask questions about the kids and me and how we are getting on...I'm pretty sure he knows we are not OK...so how do I deal with the questions? I will try and stick to business only but I am a lousy liar and if he asks more probing questions...??? xx
Hello sosad55,
There is no need to share any info about yourself or the kids with your business partner. If he asks, you could confidently and politely thank him for his concern and say that you would rather not discuss it. period.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.
Please call me to discuss our coaching program. The advice you will receive will be invaluable. Learn what to say and do, in a positive, productive manner. Our number is 303-444-7004
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I would say practice 100 times saying - 'we're doing okay thank you....now can we talk about the XYZ business thing??'
Ie: brief response, change the subject. Let's him know you aren't keen to have THAT chat - business only. Please note - whatever you do - don't confide in him. He is your H's friend and everything will likely get straight back to your H. Only let him see 'together' you, with your business head on.
Best of luck...:-) x
Great story about your parents friends
Some will return or try to
Nothing wrong with being positive and expecting a good outcome and
either way , It will be a good outcome..you will see
Thanks everybody for you advice,
Question please - my husband finally emailed me and offered to help find some paperwork that he thinks I will need for visas for the kids and me...I don't really need his help...so do I accept to make him feel involved/helpful or just let him know politely that I have sorted it myself?
xx
This is a very easy question to answer. If you've sorted out the situation, then you let him know that you've taken care of the matter. I would say "h, thank you for offering to assist me w/locating the paperwork, but I've taken care of the matter".
There is nothing wrong in being honest w/him if you've taken care of the matter. It's how you respond/react to his offer. Actions speak louder than words.
Thanks Job - I did as you suggested...short but cordial.
I met with my husband's business partner (P) yesterday and it went OK. I asked him how my husband was coping with work and he said he was doing fine and seems relaxed and happy...that has sent me down into the dumps again because here I am so sad and miss him so much and he is relaxed and happy??!! It just doesn't feel like he even misses us at all. How can you not miss a family that you have been the center of for three decades, that you saw everyday, and worked hard to look after??!!
I am in a real panic now...WAH just emailed me and asked to meet with me next week to discuss "us, kids and money". I am certain he wants to try to push for divorce and I'm not strong enough mentally to discuss that - what do I do???? I'm fine money wise atm, kids old enough he can talk to them himself if he was concerned and I do not want to discuss us unless it's to work on us...what do I do???
First...breathe! Calm down and stop trying to mind read why he wants to meet up with you. It could be any number of things, i.e., the holidays, etc. I would certainly ask for more clarification on what he wants to discuss that that you are better prepared and not walking into an ambush of divorce talk.
Let me just say this, none of us are/were ever ready to discuss divorce...but in many cases it happened. However, the more prepared you are for that dreaded conversation, the better. So, I would go to the meeting and if he brings up divorce, I would phrase my comments very carefully and say "H, I am sorry that you feel that way. However, I will need some time to think about this and I'll get back to you when I've had time to digest everything that you have brought up today." I wouldn't get into any kind of argument or heated discussion w/him about reconciling, etc. If the conversation starts to go south, look at your watch and tell him you've got to go that you have something that you need to do.
Breathe!
I appreciate your wise advice as always, Job, Thank you again.
I am still very weepy and I know any meeting with WAH would go south very quickly...so I sent him a polite email saying I didn't think there was anything urgent that needed to be discussed at this time and that I was trying to get on with my life and trying to come to terms with what had happen. Seeing him made the process harder and I would appreciate some space to deal with it same as I had given him space. What do you think??
He is still traveling all over the place like a madman with GF - pretty much every weekend to a different country and I don't see any point in having an 'us' discussion while he is still in manic 'running away' frame of mind. It would just hurt me too much. I cannot bare to see him sitting there looking at me as if he feels nothing at all. And I sure don't want a divorce discussion hanging over my head during the upcoming holidays...
Did I do the right thing? Please advise...xx
I think you were very honest w/him about how you are feeling. Now, just let it be and if he brings it up again, then you will need to decide if you are strong enough to have a discussion w/him about whatever is on his mind.
Now, it's time to put the focus on you and your family and most of all....getting through the holidays. Think about creating some new traditions this year. Shake things up a bit in your home by decorating in your style and visit family and friends or invite them over for a bit.
You've got this.
Thank you Job for responding so quickly...your calm words helps so much to settle me down again.
I'm in a real mess this morning. Any contact I have with him just sets me off. So I think NC is the best for me right now.
The kids and I have already made plans for a completely different Christmas and New Years. We are going skiing for the first time and MIL will be joining us (not for the skiing bit...she's 91). H told told S26 that he will be spending it alone traveling and golfing...but that's the same lie he has used all summer when he was avoiding talking about GF...so who knows what the truth is anymore...
Is it strange that if he is actually spending it alone I feel so sad for him that I want to invite him to come with us (I already suggested back in Sept that he could come if he wanted to rejoin the family...). How can I feel so sad for him when he is causing so much hurt to me...
H seems to be cutting himself off more and more from family and friends even when they try to be non-judgemental...is that normal? Apparently the few guys he still sees he doesn't talk about what is going other than to give the impression that we are all fine and that he is in touch regularly with us?? I really wish he had someone that he could open up to other than GF...she has her own agenda so probably not giving sound advise, me thinks...
xx
xx
You will find that NC is good for you. It helps you regain your footing and, in time, you'll master the art of detachment that will help you learn how not to react to his comments/actions.
I'm glad to read that you have some new plans for the holidays. Even though your MIL is 91, she will still enjoy herself because she is w/you and your family. It's sad that her son is acting out, but there's nothing she can do about it, but leave him to himself.
If and that is a big if, your h is spending time alone, then it is of his choosing. Some of them use other distractions to avoid feeling anything for anyone and especially the holidays. Yes, you can feel sad for him because he's missing out on all the family things and memories that are created, which he can't get back later on. But, it's his choice.
Yes, it is very much a MLC thing to cut ties w/everyone which means you, the family, pets and friends. All of you are from his past, a past that he is trying to forget. All of you are reminders of his old life and right now, he's looking for new and exciting people to distract him. He's looking for people who really do not know him so that he reinvent himself just enough to impress these new people. People from his old like know him well and aren't running around admiring him and stroking his ego. The ow is there stroking his ego and has those little stars sparkling in her eyes for him right now...but in time, those sparkles will dim and he'll be right back to looking for something to distract him once again.
They are great actors and will tell people that the family is fine and not giving away one hint that things really aren't. In his mind, he thinks he's in touch w/you regularly because time just creeps like a turtle for them. Unfortunately, time doesn't stand still and it moves very quickly.
As for opening up to someone...he talks to the ow and his new friends...but to actually have a serious talk w/someone...he's not ready for that nor does he want to hear what people would tell him about himself and what he's doing. All you can do is pray for him and hope he finds himself.
Thank you Job
It's been a difficult day today and your words of wisdom has helped get me through it. I really appreciate it so much. It's been ten months since he started his craziness and I just cannot get my head around this is my kind husband treating me with such little care...
xx
I am so scared the way I acted initially and for many months after H moved out has made him feel so guilty and ashamed that he will never be able to face coming back...I cried and cried and after he moved out I ended up in hospital twice with severe depression. After H found out that I had been in hospital he has really distanced himself from me and become more deeply involved with young GF. Will he ever be able to forgive himself deep down and have the courage to rebuild our marriage should he come out of his MLC. I am so scared it has done irreversible damage...My hope is he won't remember much of it when he does come out of his craziness. Does anybody have any experience with this?
I know you are scared about how you acted when he moved out, but you can't change the past. It's gone. We all had our days of crying, begging, pleading, etc. in the beginning. It's a normal response to being blindsided w/them announcing that things are over and done with.
So, what do you do now? You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. You've learned a few things while being here and now you have a better understanding of what MLC is. The present is a gift and you have to use it wisely. W/that being said, being kind and civil to your h when he contacts you. Learn to cut conversations short when you sense that they are becoming heated. Validate how he feels w/"I'm sorry you feel that way". But above all else, take care of you and your family. Dig deeper for patient, educate yourself on depression and MLC. Be kind to yourself and know that no matter what happened in the early stages of the crisis was a very normal reaction for you. Don't dwell on it because it is in the past.
As for the future, well, none of us can predict what the future holds. He may not remember some of the stuff that transpired, i.e., how he acted or the things he said. My advice...keep looking forward and have faith in yourself and the man upstairs.
Keep the focus on you today.
Thank you - Job - I just had a really nice session with Leni so between you and Leni - feeling a bit more calm:-) I really hope for his own sake he doesn't remember too much because the 'real' H would be mortified at what this H is doing... xx
help please - my S26 spoke to my WAH this morning and confirmed the reason my H wants to talk to me is about a divorce. Apparently there is a new tax law coming into effect in April that would cost us a lot of money if we divorce after that so is pushing for a quick divorce...S26 got H to leave the divorce talk with me until after New Years...how do I deal with this? I don't want a divorce! Please advise...
I'm very sorry to hear this news, but I'm not the least bit surprised. Many of them want to rush a divorce because they think it's quick fix to their problems...little do they know that their problems are only just beginning once the ink is dry on the decree. Some of them are very euphoric once the divorce in finalized, but that is short lived because that new found freedom and excitement soon become dull and the day-to-day responsibilities set in.
I understand how you feel about not wanting a divorce, but if he wants a divorce, it only takes one to do so (unfortunately). I wouldn't attempt to drag it out too long because it will cost you more $$$$ by doing so. My advice is that you speak to a lawyer NOW and get your ducks in a row to see what you are entitled to. I know that I sound harsh, but knowledge is power and unless he changes his mind, he may very well go through w/it to avoid paying out more after April.
For now, I wouldn't bring this subject up w/him. Let him come to you about it. When he does talk to you, listen to what he has to say and they say "h, I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm going to need some time to come to terms w/this divorce". Then let it go, but do not tell him that you've spoken to a lawyer. That is knowledge that you keep to yourself.
Apparently there is a new tax law coming into effect in April that would cost us a lot of money if we divorce after that so is pushing for a quick divorce.
Speak with an attorney ASAP and get some advice on this. I don't know what the new tax law is, but it seems highly unlikely that there's a new law that would adversely affect BOTH of you - more likely it is something that would adversely affect HIM and benefit YOU. Find out the facts. Information is power.
And don't confuse the divorce with the relationship. This is all about business. Don't fall into the trap of thinking if you are "nice" to him and give in to all his demands, he'll be more likely to come back. He won't. He's actually more likely to return if he has to deal with the financial reality of a fair divorce that gives you everything you are legally entitled to.
People can and do reconcile after divorce, being divorced won't make it impossible for that to happen. So try to take the emotion out of it and start protecting your financial interests. Make that attorney appointment today.
Job and kml - thank you for your advise. I'll get right on it! Do I send him an email in return to acknowledge that I will deal with it after the holidays ie. ' I do not believe that a divorce is the solution to our marital problem however I love you enough to let you go if that is your choice' or do I just let it be until he contacts me after the holidays?
Hi sosad,
For what it's worth, I would just let it be. Leave him do all the work.
I agree w/Westo...just leave it be. There's no need to say anything about the issue. Set up an appointment w/a lawyer as soon as possible so that you know what you are legally entitled to. This will help alleviate any anxiety you may have about what to expect, etc. and then keep that info to yourself. Do not discuss it w/your kids, family, friends or your h. This info is yours and only yours to keep close. Once you've gotten the info, sit back and if he truly wants a divorce, he will start the ball rolling. Don't help him w/this...he needs to do the heavy work.
Thank you Westo and Job once again...
I already saw a lawyer a couple of months ago so know what my rights are but the new tax law I'm still trying to gather info on to see what it actually is about. Sounds very strange?? xx
If you are still attempting to gather info about the new tax law, then ring up the lawyer's office and ask them. They should be up on any new laws that affect divorce.
There may not even be a new tax law perhaps???
Some MLCers will say anything to get their spouse to divorce them!!
Chin up - you're doing well
You could always call his bluff and message him - send me some details about this new tax legislation - I'm interested to read about that :-)
I read about it last night....I thought it had to do with off shore accounts and property?
Don't quote me though! Didn't seem such a big deal.
Thanks Westo - we do have a property overseas that we have on the market...we can just take it off the market - problem solved! Thanks Sotto and Job for your input...H keeps sending texts and emails despite me having asked him to give me space and only to contact me if absolutely necessary. They are about non-important things such as 'what do the kids want for Christmas'...he has their phone numbers - why not ask them himself but he is still telling S26 that he wants a divorce talk in Jan with me...do I answer politely or tell him to please respect my space? xx
You need to understand that he's pursuing you now. It doesn't matter whether the texts are about important stuff or not....he senses that you are distancing yourself from him and the drama. When you asked him to give you space and only to contact you if absolutely necessary, you didn't realize that you would be sending him n a tailspin, i.e., exactly what the LBS all feel when the MLCers tell them to give them space and time.
Your h never in a million years thought you'd say this to him. He thought you would always be right where he left you pre-crisis and now??? He's realizing that your focus isn't on him and you aren't by the phone or computer waiting for him to contact you. This is a 180 for you and he's desperate to get you back into the drama. Don't do it. Keep to your boundaries and let him stew in his own juices.
If the communications aren't an emergency, I think I'd just leave them be. He has their numbers and he can call them directly. You do not need to be involved in his interactions w/his children. Sit quietly and watch the show. I don't think you owe him any explanation about what the kids want for Christmas...I'm sure his fingers aren't broke and he can punch in the phone numbers and ring them up himself.
Just remember, if you do contact him, you will be giving him attention which equates to ego kibbles and that will draw you right back into the game of distance/pursuer. Stay the course and let him sweat.
Keep up the good work!
I'm so grateful for your advice, Job, thank you:-)
Having a bad day today...very sad and struggling with the holidays coming up.
WAH is starting to get in touch with a couple of our friends and telling them about his new puppy love...Doesn't tell them how old she is nor that she is his pilates teacher...instead says he met her through work...it is so embarrassing...they called me to tell me that they are sorry, offer support and to let me know that they think he is having a MLC...it just blows my mind that he doesn't see what is obvious to everybody else. Apparently he is proud of himself for being able to get such a young girl and everybody else looks on in horror as he makes a fool of himself. He is also ordering little blue pills by the crate load...so sad for him...I don't understand why I still love and miss him?
Yes this time of year can be hard. Forget about H for now. His mlc house of cards will crumble eventually. It is inevitable. But in the meantime what are you doing to make the best of the festive season. Focus on that for this week.
Best wishes
You can't turn the "love" off because you two shared a life together. It takes time to detach and move forward.
About your friends, they mean well, but you need to tell them that you don't want to hear about what he's saying and doing. This "gossip" is bringing you down and they don't realize how this is affecting you. Trust me, if the shoe was on their foot, they wouldn't want to hear about his behavior either.
In MLC, it's all about them and they don't care what people think just as long as they are happy. It's about self-gratification and numbing the inner pain and they will do what they need to do in order to numb that pain.
I know you love him and his behavior is hurting you deeply, but you've got to keep the focus on you for now.
I just read my last posts....the night of the 12/19 I
ended up in emergency....it turned out that I had bacterial meningitis and fell into a coma for 9 days. Woke up completely deaf, paralyzed and half blind. I just returned from hospital two days ago...will always be deaf, don't know about my vision as it's still very poor and paralysis is getting better and I'm in a wheelchair now hoping eventually to be able to walk again. So this is what can happen if you let the grief and depression take over your body....
Husband came back from his holiday when the kids told him what had happened and helped them. He is still pushing for financial separation so I have lawyers to deal with on top of this. He is trying to support but at the same time still blaming me for various things...I'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with what has happened to me and that husband is still in MLC despite what has happened these last three months. I would have thought this would be a huge wake up call for him...we are coming up to a whole year since he moved out beginning of April.
Any support, words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated right now as my mood is at an all time low...
I am so sorry to come here and read what has happened to you. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and keep fighting to regain your health. Get second opinions if you aren't satisfied w/what the doctors have told you.
As for your h, when in MLC, very seldom do they wake up when their spouses are having a health crisis. Some may return for a short period of time out of guilt, but they eventually escape back into the MLC and it is often far worse than before. Unfortunately, their empathy chip is broken and you won't get much in the way of empathy from him. Just like teenagers, they don't get it when people are ill, especially seriously ill. When it comes to him, keep your expectations very low, if not to zero.
I would continue down my own path. Most importantly, keep the focus on you and your health for now. Your health is the most important thing at the moment.
Will you have someone there to assist you and your children? If not, this is something you will need to think about in the days ahead.
Again, I am very sorry that your health has taken such a turn. Please, please take care of yourself.
Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear about your health episode. What a terribly rough time you have had, and I can absolutely understand how you must feel. I'm sure it will take some time for you to recuperate, so do try and arrange some nourishing things for yourself..maybe reading inspirational books and having nice food etc.
I wonder if there is a support forum related to your medical condition? A friend of mine who wasn't well recently drew a great deal of strength from linking with others online - supporting eachother and comparing experiences.
Do try not to worry about your H at this time - nurturing yourself back to wellness is the main thing and I'm glad that you are back in your own home and we have Spring on the way - when we can all feel some warm sun on our faces.
Take care and I do hope you will be feeling much better soon. Xx
I too am so sorry to hear what you have gone through sosad.
It's just terrible.........please remember YOU are the most precious person. Please take care and try (I know it's easy to say) not to think of him.
(((Cwtch)))
Hi ss,
I'm sorry to hear about your health. You got some good advice above, especially about the second opinions. I have a distant relative who this happened to a few years ago. The doctors didn't expect him to make it and he was left paralyzed for some time but eventually made a full recovery.
Please try to be positive and take care of yourself. We're all here for you.
I just read my last posts....the night of the 12/19 I
ended up in emergency....it turned out that I had bacterial meningitis and fell into a coma for 9 days. Woke up completely deaf, paralyzed and half blind. I just returned from hospital two days ago...will always be deaf, don't know about my vision as it's still very poor and paralysis is getting better and I'm in a wheelchair now hoping eventually to be able to walk again. So this is what can happen if you let the grief and depression take over your body....
So sorry to read this. That just $ucks. No other way to say it.
Since you see that grief/depression can affect your physical health, are you getting treated for it?
Husband came back from his holiday when the kids told him what had happened and helped them. He is still pushing for financial separation so I have lawyers to deal with on top of this. He is trying to support but at the same time still blaming me for various things...I'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with what has happened to me and that husband is still in MLC despite what has happened these last three months.
regardless of MLC or your h, your health issues are challenging you. You must focus on that. Sometimes as bad as it is, a health crisis can be very clarifying.
Your h is not "there" for you and won't be. So that's who he is. And we know that hurts. And we know that is out of your control....so Let's redirect...let's get back to you...
In your hospital ward, there were probably many patients who never left...and some who had no visitors...
You have children and family and friends who care, correct? Can you be grateful for them and that you are recovering? Can you make plans for enhancing your recovery?
I say this^^ knowing it's not easy. But I can't see an easy path for you. I only see taking needed painful steps.
But I also see them getting easier in time. (FWIW, I had a somewhat similar experience waking up in a neuro unit with very little memory, and a life changing health issue. In my hospital, only 40% of the patients ever left, so that kept me from wallowing as much as I wanted to. But sometimes I really really wanted to).
I would have thought this would be a huge wake up call for him...we are coming up to a whole year since he moved out beginning of April.
Well, your h is not awakening anytime soon...and the more you look to him for support or familiar friendship or anything, the more you set yourself up for disappointment.
In fact, he has revealed something about himself that may hurt to realize, which is that his empathy gene is gone or in hiding or broken, etc.
When you stop yourself from thinking about who you think he was, and face who he is now, it's clear that he would not be the asset to your recovery that you need.
In any case, all I can suggest is that you Try harder to have No expectations of h...
Any support, words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated right now as my mood is at an all time low...
Lean where and on those who will give your support. Heal yourself. Everything you do benefits from those actions.
Come here, and Implement a GAL activity that you can do in your present situation. My guess is that your doctors want you to do "X" or "Y", to help you recover & heal. Can you try one today?
We are pulling for you.
Thank you so much everybody for you supportive posts. I really appreciate it.
I will try to put into practice the great advice you have given me.
I am working very hard to rebuild muscles so that I might be able to walk again soon. I'm looking to get third, forth opinions on my eyesight as nobody so far seems to be able to understand what is causing my visual disturbance. I have had surgery for bilateral cochlear implants which will be 'switched on' in the next week or two...hopefully they will restore some of my hearing. It is a lonely world when you cannot hear anything! So I'm trying to do everything I can to get back to some sort of 'normal'...
I am still on a high dose of anti-depressant but I do not feel that they make much of a difference as I am so low in spirits most of the time.
Yes, I have real trouble coming to terms with the fact that my husband has no empathy for me anymore...he used to have so much! Two hours after I had been told that my hearing was gone forever...husband came and told me "well this is your new reality, you need to decide how you are going to deal with it!" I was still crying because I wasn't going to hear my children's voices again, music, speak on the phone to my friends....I didn't need the reality pill...I needed someone to hold me and tell me it would all be ok!
I am so happy to be out of hospital after three months. It is bitter sweet to be home though as there are so many happy memories here. Also I know husband will want to sell our home soon and I love it so much as does the kids....so knowing it is only for a short period makes me sad. I always thought our grandchildren would be running around our garden
It's all very overwhelming at the moment. I think it is the legal stuff that is pushing me over the edge...to try to focus on the right course of action when it comes to splitting our assets is just too much right now! And I only have a few weeks before it has to be settled...
I am truly grateful for being alive as it was very touch and go while I was in a coma over Christmas. I am also very grateful for my beautiful children and extended family (including husband's who have been amazing) and I'm also so grateful for my wonderful friends who have been there for me all of last year and continue to be...I wish I could make everybody happy by just being happy:)
Please take care of yourself. It's one step at a time, one day at a time. Okay?
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