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Couch to 5K the MLC away I think it's time to start a new thread, especially since this is a new chapter in my relationship really. I was going to call the new thread something about the "weird place" I find myself in (and it's not necessarily a bad place) but wanted something a little more optimistic sounding so it will have to be "True Romance", as a reminder that the last 16 years have been a lot more than lies and fake happiness.
H was here for the weekend, and it was more "normal" than last week, but obviously as distant as always. He had a severe case of the "man flu" so he slept a lot, which was not what the kids expected to be honest. And he will be away next weekend so we will see him again in two weeks. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet and I'm also redecorating the house to my taste now that I'm free from H's negativity and criticism. I'm rediscovering cushions, scented candles and make up! So strange that I'm turning back to the old me, but it's really nice in a way.
I hope the link to my old thread works, if not job please edit ( we do this on every thread don't we? Sorry!)
You sound good, Esame! I'm glad you're asserting your personality in your choice of decor...it really does help to look around and see yourself in your own home.
About your H having the "man flu"; does he do that a lot? Before bomb drop, my H would come home from work and fall asleep on the couch after dinner almost every night. He had started sleeping downstairs because I snored (actually, he would snore as I was reading in bed and then wake himself up and accuse me of snoring). He also would sleep most of the weekend unless there was an event. Just wondering. I know it is a sign of stress and depression, not just exhaustion, and I wonder how many other S have noticed that in the MLCer.
Keep up the good work on turning into old you! It is a little bit like being reborn, isn't it?
Hi Esame,
I consider myself a typical male in the respect of cushions so if you are rediscovering those, along with scented candles, and could exhaust the worlds supply I'd be eternally grateful
think I'm rediscovering my soh which has gone a bit wayward for the last nine months.Hope the decoration goes well and the next time your H is over the kids get more dad time.
Glad to hear you're turning back to the old you but hope there's some forward movement also, perhaps with the make-up? I'm sure you'll look fabulous.
Esame, I am about to fall asleep but I just have to tell you that I cannot stop laughing seeing your post about cushions and scented candles. Just like you, I'm making my house MY house, now that I know that h does not plan to come back. Happy that I no longer have to compromise on everything (I am aware that this may be a temporary state and maybe in a couple of months/years I will be happy not only to compromise but accept whatever decoration if someone will want to live with me or live with me again :-)...). But I'm doing the exact opposite of what you do: I'm limiting the number of cushions and getting rid of scented candles :-).
I love candles but not scented ones. So I replaced them all. And I like cushions just not 10 of them on one sofa and each one with different pattern :-).
I'm happy that you are doing well and enjoying the peace and quiet. It was the same for me after my h moved out. I would stay up longer in the evenings after the kids went to bed just to be able to enjoy silence, no TV, no nothing just silence and (non-scented) candle light. It's very difficult to live with an MLCer so after he left it was such a relief. But there were some down days when I wished he was home with me, talking about his day etc., but not the MLCer h, the h before crisis... And that I still have from time to time...
Thank you for the edit job
maybe one day I'll manage to add a link properly. Until then it's good to know that you got my back.
My cushion buying habit is out of hand now, so I need to stop buying any more cushions, throws or similar paraphernalia. Clearly I have an addictive personality... Then again better being obsessed with cushions than H's whereabouts. And the house looks great. The only difficulty I'm finding with H being away all the time is that I have no time for my running. I guess I'll have to find a way running with the pram or something, I don't know.
Mentally I'm ok, maybe to the point that I feel that I'm in some sort of denial, or I've mastered detachment without even realising it. Or I'm just confused. On a positive note I finally got my appointment for IC for next week, hopefully that will help even thought it took so long for the referral to go through that I actually feel like a fraud using up their time. I have been on a waiting list since June though, so I don't want to cancel it. I know that if I cancel and then need it again I'll have to go back on the waiting list.
I have a quiet weekend planned for the children, H is away on business so it's just the kids and I. MIL is supposed to be better (she had a nasty cold last week) but I feel like something is off, she seems different at times. Yesterday she appeared dizzy or disorientated? Or took too long to answer. I asked H to call her to check on her, and apparently she told him it's a side effect of one of her meds, but she is only on antibiotics and vitamins. Maybe it's just my anxiety playing up, I hope she is ok. She did seem better today though.
I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.
Esame, I am about to fall asleep but I just have to tell you that I cannot stop laughing seeing your post about cushions and scented candles. Just like you, I'm making my house MY house, now that I know that h does not plan to come back. Happy that I no longer have to compromise on everything (I am aware that this may be a temporary state and maybe in a couple of months/years I will be happy not only to compromise but accept whatever decoration if someone will want to live with me or live with me again :-)...). But I'm doing the exact opposite of what you do: I'm limiting the number of cushions and getting rid of scented candles :-).
I love candles but not scented ones. So I replaced them all. And I like cushions just not 10 of them on one sofa and each one with different pattern :-).
I guess I am making it MY space, and it feels great.
I prefer the scented candles in the kitchen but like you I go with scent-free ones in the rest of the house. But I have gone over the top with the cushions now, so that's it, I will not be buying any more!
About your H having the "man flu"; does he do that a lot? Before bomb drop, my H would come home from work and fall asleep on the couch after dinner almost every night. He had started sleeping downstairs because I snored (actually, he would snore as I was reading in bed and then wake himself up and accuse me of snoring). He also would sleep most of the weekend unless there was an event. Just wondering. I know it is a sign of stress and depression, not just exhaustion, and I wonder how many other S have noticed that in the MLCer.
Keep up the good work on turning into old you! It is a little bit like being reborn, isn't it?
He often suffers from the man flu, and it's really annoying when I'm sick at the same time (or if one of the kids is sick too) because he goes for the martyr look when obviously he is nowhere near as bad as the kids or makes it sound that it's not a bid deal that I am sick too. Terrible behaviour, honestly!
Yes it is like being reborn, and it feels great!
Thank you HTM, I hope there is enough forward movement, but there is always room for improvement isn't there.
Not much has happened lately, other than the fact that the kids and I caught H's cold and we are all walking around coughing and feeling sorry for ourselves. H was abroad on a business trip so instead of his usual weekend visit he only came home on Sunday night. He has now gone off to work and to his bachelor's pad (or wherever it is he is living Monday to Friday). I'm really tired from a sleepless night with my poorly two year old, so today I'm taking it easy. I might go for a walk but that's all I've got planned so far.
I have been trying to catch up with everyone's threads around the MLC forum, and I'm amazed at how well we are all doing and how much we have on our plate. Sending huge hugs out to all my lovely DBers, I hope we will all have a lovely week
Hi Esame,
It sounds like you're doing really well! Thanks for stopping by my thread and the words of encouragement. I hope you and your kids are able to shake your cold quickly.
Poor you! I hope you and the kids get well soon and you can catch up on your sleep.
Get some vitamins.
Thank you Kyh and Bee for popping by.
Things are pretty much the same here, the kids and I are happy. H visits for the weekends, and he looks as cold and distant as ever. We spoke about our future a couple of times, and things look pretty bleak, but I'm taking it reasonably well. Apparently his main wish is to be a "singe man" so I guess living alone 5 days a week is not enough for him. I explained that my position in divorcing has not changed, and he said something along the lies of "even if you don't sign it will go through in five years". So I don't know where that leaves us, I never suggested that I will not agree to a divorce one day, but I did say I will not be "amicable" or whatever it is called if we have not given it some time or trying first.
It's just so hard, I don't know why I even put myself through it sometimes. Is it really for the kids or am I just being stubborn?
Esame,
I'm sorry that things are pretty much the same. He's going to look cold and distant because he needs that façade in order to get through the weekends. In his mind, he can't allow an inch of warmth to hit his soul because it will make him feel guilty for what he is doing. He needs to justify why he's doing what he's doing and he feels that you are being very stubborn on the divorce front.
Does he bring up the relationship/divorce talks or do you? If you are the one doing this, please step back for a while and just leave things be. Your response was good, but I don't think I would continue to have discussions about it. If he brings it up again, say something like this "h, we've had this discussion before and you know my stance on it" and then leave it be. The more discussions take place, the more determined he's going to be to do something about it. BTW, one thing that may keep him looking cold and distant is the fact that you are standing for your marriage and he knows that he hasn't been able to change your mind. He may think that by acting this way you will eventually give up and agree to the divorce.
I think, for the most part, you are fighting for your kids. However, I also think that you are very determined to save your marriage and there's no harm in that at all...but the discussions aren't helping you. Sit quietly for a bit, allow him to focus on something else besides discussions of divorce w/you. The next time he comes for a visit, have something baking in the oven that smells delicious and have discussions about the children, the weather or someone you know. I would find things to do in another part of the home or this would be a good time for you to take a walk and enjoy the fall weather. I may be wrong, but if he senses that things are a bit different there, he may very well drop that cold and distant façade for a bit.
Esame, I know it's difficult, but do try to keep the focus on you and your children.
That suggestion about having something that smells delicious in the oven is golden. After my H left, even though I had a hard time eating, I tried to re-create "normal" once in awhile, especially when H came over. He always had to check on what was cooking and seemed very appreciative if I offered some to him. Its just part of being the lighthouse. And smell is a powerful memory stimulant.
Esame, it is hard. Only you can answer your question about who you're doing this for. My guess is that you are doing it for the kids, but you also love and miss him very much and are trying to sway him. We can't, you know. All we can do is be that warm loving person that they loved and try not to pressure them to fix themselves. That is my one regret in trying to DB. I didn't get it til recently. Every time H would respond positively when I just would "be the lighthouse" (loving, warm, kind at ease wife) I would end up asking him why he didn't want to be with me as we obviously enjoyed each other's company. R talk instigated, pressure felt, scared sad or angry H would take over. I think I sabotaged my own efforts due to impatience and he really couldn't trust any changes he saw.
But there's more. You're going to see him often with your arrangement. Job is right. Take the focus off of you and him. I think I'd even spend less time around him...just do pleasant drive-bys while he's there to interact with kids, discuss funny or important family things...fluff a pillow...water a plant...Don't give him a lot of info on you (be vague even if he asks) or ask after what he's been up to. Do ask after family or give a listen if he seems to want to talk, but again; no pressure or advice. And no R talk. Goodness that's hard! I've finally got it through my thick skull and my D papers are ready to be signed. Keep busting on, Esame. Your H hasn't made any sudden moves so he's still looking for something. Pull back and show him no pressure and be strong.
Thank you Job and Ciluzen, your support is invaluable as always.
Job I initiated one of the talks weeks ago and the most recent one came up in conversation. I usually drink my STFUP smoothie but today we were going through S10's "communication book" from his school and apparently he has been upset quite a lot lately which is out of character for him. I asked H how he proposed to deal with it and that lead to a horrible conversation were he basically said that he is done and I should stop using the children against him. Obviously I lost it at that, because I did not make my son upset on most schooldays neither did I ask his teacher to communicate the extent of our child's distress with us. Loads of horrible things later I lost the last scrap of respect I ever had for him, his response to my comment about him looking angry was that he didn't want to give me hope (he has the emotional intelligence of a pancake) and then I said some things that are not DBing at all, but felt right at the time. Then I went running and later he took the boys out. When he was about to leave for his bachelor pad I said bye, and he was staring at me like he didn't know what to say or do. I explained that unless he wanted to apologise for all his insults there was nothing to say. I asked him to cut down his visits to every two weeks and to stay out of my way as much as possible when he is here. I was stil fuming after he left but S8 asked me "when will daddy spend longer with us" which obviously upset me even more, so I felt like I couldn't take half of their dad's visits away from them. So I messaged him that as long as he can take full responsibility of the children during the weekend so that we can communicate as little as possible I was ok with him visiting as often as he wants, if that doesn't work for him could he suggest what he would prefer to do.
I also said in that message that the reason why I don't want more interaction is because I don't want him to think that I am pursuing him and that all I care about is the children's happiness. I did swear at him too, but I needed that (and it doesn't seem like he cares about what I say anyway). I also told him that maybe he is mistaken when he thinks that he is god's gift to humanity and that not everything is about him. In hindsight that was unecessary. However, it's pretty clear what the man wants. I again maintained that he will not be getting a divorce from me before 2018 which coincidentally is the right time frame for a divorce after a separaon in the UK. I checked the divorce info for the first time after he left, I didn't even know the process.
Also I explained that the situation with S10 is real, and not me trying to use the kids or something. However as he finds the truth so unpleasant I will not be sharing anything like that any more, and if he cares about how the kids are doing in future he can contact their schools on his own. I'm not going to be the authority figure by more wherever possible.
Ciluzen I think my impatience has impacted the R talks, but realistically we have only spoken a handful of times in the nine months since he went crazy in February. I don't know how long I can keep busting for, he is leaving no space for any compromise of any kind. The only good think in the whole fiasco is that when he is here he is better with the kids (even that pre MLC) so that's something to celebrate.
I'm now dreading the call from the MIL tomorrow, he was supposed to let his parents know so that we can stop lying to them. I'm nowhere near ready to tell my mum, but that has to happen at some point too.
All we can do is be that warm loving person that they loved and try not to pressure them to fix themselves. That is my one regret in trying to DB. I didn't get it til recently. Every time H would respond positively when I just would "be the lighthouse" (loving, warm, kind at ease wife) I would end up asking him why he didn't want to be with me as we obviously enjoyed each other's company. R talk instigated, pressure felt, scared sad or angry H would take over. I think I sabotaged my own efforts due to impatience and he really couldn't trust any changes he saw.
This is a very insightful comment actually and very helpful. Sounds like the best strategy is just let him enjoy, period. Otherwise, it's like saying see look what I did for you, now what are you going to give me in return? You have to trust that repeatedly letting him just enjoy his time with you, he's going to feel it sooner or later and feel it is genuine and want more, not just regard it as a strategic move. They are selfish in an MLC and they only can receive not give but at least if you are giving then what they need and that is going to make them think positively of you.
Thank you for your reply 2Lady. I agree, it is a really insightful comment, our Ciluzen is full of wisdom.
Today is so hard, I had to inform the schools of the situation so they can keep an eye on the kids, and I did a little more research on the legalities. My mum called but I couldn't answer, she would understand straight away that something is wrong. Thankfully MIL hasn't called yet, probably H didn't tell them yet. We have an old mobile that I kept for the children's apps and games so I sent him the number so that he can communicate with the kids without me interfering, I will do my best to not get in the way of their relationship with their dad. It hurts so much that he is doing this to them, that he is so selfish and selfcentred. I don't know where to start, I knew things between us were bad but I thought that we could salvage some sort of relationship for the children. I was able to mourn the future I had planed for myself and H, and move on, but I'm struggling to see how this can be OK for the children. We have no family or support network here, and S10 is on the autistic spectrum. S8 had issues with confidence (possibly because of S10's behaviour towards him) and I struggled with S10's diagnosis and my own mental health issues. Luckily I still have that appointment booked for Wednsday (with a therapist) so that might be a starting point.
I need to gather the strength to speak to our families, and I need to decide what to tell the kids. I am afraid I am not able to speak to H at the moment, so that decision will have to wait. I am so angry that any kind of face to face conversation is impossible for now. Maybe once his parents come to visit next time we can all sit down and discuss about the future of the children, or mediation? I don't know.
I'm counting my blessings, we are healthy, and safe, but how can I stop blaming myself to the pain that my family is about to go through? I tried to shelter everyone for as long as I could, but how long can the situation stay like this?
I like your choice of title and reasoning behind it.
Word of caution. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE man flu. I have heard scientist's explain it to women, by telling them the pain during childbirth is the closest ye will ever get to how bad man flu can be .
Best wishes
I'm having such a dilemma! I don't know if I should drop the DBing for good and try to move on or if I should start DBing from the beginning, rereading the books and prolonging what seems to be inevitable. I know people can change, and maybe H's MLC will come to an end one day, but I also know that the likelihood of it happening is pretty slim. On the other hand it might be kinder to the kids and my family if we take the scenic route, and it will give us all more time to adjust. Such a hard decision, I wish I knew what to do.
Esame,
DBing isn't just about trying to save the marriage, it's a tool to help save you. One the most important things to do is to detach from his drama as much as possible, live your life as if he may not return and keeping the focus on you and your children. You can only control you and how you deal w/your life at the moment.
Unfortunately, you can't convince your h to do the right things, i.e., by reconciling and/or trying again. Once they enter crisis mode, they need to complete the crisis. I wish that I had a magic potion that would make things all better for each and every poster.
You don't have to make a decision at the moment as to what you think you want to do. From your postings, I don't think you are ready to give up on your marriage. If you aren't, sit quietly and allow the answers to come. Don't make decisions when you are hurt, angry or confused. It's best to allow things to settle down within you before doing so.
I'm keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Try to keep the focus on you and your family.
Thank you for your kind words Job.
Realistically I'm not done with the marriage but possibly for the wrong reasons. Not because I love H (I would be insane if I did after all he's put me through lately) but mainly because I love "us" as a family unit, meaning the kids, H and me. I'm also struggling to see how his happiness is more important than our children's and our families', but that's not up to me.
Anyway, a few minutes ago on the Facebook page of divorce busting Michele posted this:
"Today one of my clients told me that she wasn't ready to give up the fight for her marriage even though it seemed headed for divorce. She said she would continue to be the person her husbandd needs her to be- and who she wants to be- even after the divorce is finalized. She wondered if I thought she was crazy for thinking this way. Here's what I told her.
I really believe that each person knows inside him or herself whether or when to move beyond the marriage. Each person is their own expert, not the therapist, not a family member or friend. You have to trust your own instincts. If, in the end, there comes a time when moving on makes sense, you will know it.
What do you think about this?
Michele Weiner-Davis"
So if I am to trust my instincts, I cannot give up yet. I'm not ready to let go, but I need to detach a lot more and definitely GAL more. I'm making plans with friends for nights out etc, and decided to finish the decluttering and decorating as soon as possible.
By the way if it's not ok to copy things from the Facebook page here, job could you please edit?
Esame,
I'm glad you posted Michele's posting from Facebook. So many people talk about moving on and yet are still not sure. That's why I always say that if you are questioning yourself and moving on, then you aren't ready to do so. You will definitely know if and when the time comes.
Quoting from Michele's Facebook Page is quite alright, as this is directly related tp the Forums.
Esame, as I said in my earlier posting, I don't think you are ready to move on. I think you need to sit patiently and quietly as I do not think you are at the end of the journey w/your h.
Hang in there!
Hi Esame,
Just wanted to say thanks for sharing the bit from Facebook! It was a nice reminder for me today. Hope you and your family are doing well and shook your cold.
Esame,
you could be very well writing my story with h first few weeks after he moved out (except visiting kids/staying weekends...). He was also telling me I cannot use kids as an excuse to trap him back into marriage (which I wasn't), that he is done, it's his decision and I may not agree with it but it won't change anything. And a lot of similar things which I'd prefer to forget. These types of statements still pop up from time to time (sometimes contradicted in the same or another conversation), but much less and only when there is a discussion on something that he does not like.
All those early discussions ended up in fights which achieved only one thing: I was losing more and more respect for him. So, I decided I could not see him for some time and made sure I wasn't home when he was supposed to come and visit. That helped. And the first time we talked after 2 months of not seeing each other he complained that he made efforts to come home and I was never there - he used that as an argument that he cares for me and the marriage more than I do (I know! did not makes sense at all...).
So, if you feel like you want to limit time you two spend together for some time, from my experience, I think it could help. Then it gets easier once you start seeing each other more often again. Sometimes I think that my h is like a toddler who tests how far he can go. And then when I show him where is the limit he respects me more.
Now that we see each other more often again, the discussions are back but less and with different dynamics. Still frustrating but it's easier for me to take.
Stay strong!
So if I am to trust my instincts, I cannot give up yet. I'm not ready to let go,
FWIW – I respect this and the fact that you can be so honest with yourself is a very very good thing. Wishing you the best – whatever looks like..today…tomorrow…next week….next year.
Thank you Job, Kyh, Bee and Eric
Back to Dbusting then, new start from today. I started thinking of ways to minimise contact with H while he is here, I think at the moment I want him to be visiting but I don't want to interact too much with him. I decided that I will move to the spare room and leave the master for H and visitors. I do hate sleeping in that bed and stay on the sofa most nights, maybe now I can look forward to sleeping in my own space. The spare room is the one I was getting all the cushions for anyway, so it makes sense! That room is also out of the way, so I can spend time there reading or working without being disturbed by the kids or anything. When I messaged H last I explained that he is welcome to come whenever he wants but I would appreciate some privacy and as little interaction as possible. I don't want him to think that I am pursuing him, and he doesn't seem to be able to understand that by being friendly to each other it doesn't mean I am trying to initiate something. It's like he is scared of me, like I am some sort of predator or something! Also I cannot cope with seeing the hatred in his eyes, so I prefer being out of his way. How did we end up here? How could a man that loved me suddenly hate me like I'm a monster? I know there is no answer to this, I know it's the MLC and not him, but is he still in there somewhere?
I caught myself "drafting" another message to him in my head, and then I realised that that's not going to work, there is no letter I can write that can get through to him. I have to message something about the arrangements with the kids later, but I will keep that (and any future correspondence) about the kids or money.
I spoke with my mum yesterday but pretended that I look tired because baby kept me up, rather than telling her what's happening. Thankfully no call from MIL yet, but it will happen sooner or later. I have spoken with a couple of friends about the situation though, even though I don't think I'm fully honest with anyone about the extent of the pain I'm going through right now.
All the books are out, and tomorrow I'm having my first counselling session. I'm so excited! I hope I can benefit from it, I'm not sure what to expect really
Esame,
I want to wish you all the best for tomorrow's counseling session. Just be yourself and ask questions. I hope the counselor is one that you will like and can talk openly to in time.
Good luck! I can't wait to hear how things go for you!
Esame,
good luck at the counseling session!
I understand how you are feeling about not being fully honest with everyone. DBing is a tricky approach because it goes against what is the natural knee jerk reaction. As I'm sure you've read/ experienced, most people aren't going to be on board with the DB approach. They are going to want to fix "it" for you and offer their two cents.... Which may or may not be to stand for the marriage. I feel for you. Again, I hope you have a great experience tomorrow.
Many advise against moving out of M bedroom. You could just change the bed and/or furniture. Swap from other room, for example.Maybe putting your personal stamp on it could change how you feel there.
But IMO if you are more comfortable in the other room, why not. Change is good for us mentally..... .. even at the best of times and especially now.
Best wishes
I would have said the same as Roist. I know in my case, originally, moving out of the MBR would not have worked and H had already moved downstairs. But staying in the MBR was difficult as we had designed the house and there were permanent touches of H everywhere. When I got my apartment after the house sold, it was all "me". Hang out wherever you can create a space for you that you can cocoon in.
Also, creating distance, although really hard, may help him lose some of his monstering. He won't have anything new to obsess over in anger. I think when I was still present so much, my H would pick something little and obsess over it like, "there she is wearing that hoody sweatshirt. I told her I don't think she looks good in that. She's just wearing it to spite me. Proof that she doesn't like me!" Mind reading, but also based on things said during the dreaded R talk. Their anger needs fuel and they can find it wherever they look. Take contact away, fuel goes away.
I'm glad you are pulling back. Its hard, but I think it is healthier for you both while he is showing anger. Make your "cocoon" a safe loving place. Fall in love with yourself, as Rouky did, and plan your "self-dating" while you leave your H to work through his anger alone.
You can do this, because you are worth it!
Esame - I too vote you do not move out of the MBR. Outside of the conventional reasons: he is the one bailing on the M, you are the one still standing, etc., there are other valid reasons to stay put.
Your kids will be watching all this. Sad, I know. My kids are for sure watching. And my S13 is quite perceptive. The day h moved downstairs s13 asked why and I said h wasn't sleeping well and didn't want to keep me up. It was the best I could say. But h moved all his clothes down there and obviously now lives with a keyed lock! So that first day S13 said: so dad just abandoned you? The point is, think carefully how you want your kids to view this all. Plus whatever living situation you create may be "the norm" for a good while. Be sure you and your kids are comfortable. Make it the best home you can!
You have to present the picture of stability for your kids. I stayed in the MBR as I was the adult and it is often where my kids and I hang out!!! H is in the tiniest room of the house and every once in a while complains over his lot in life, despite the fact that HE created this mess himself.
Esame,
I wouldn't move out of the MBR. I know you aren't sleeping well in that room, but you could repaint/redecorate to your tastes and make that space your own. Why make it easier on him, i.e., to be comfortable, etc.?
If you truly feel the need to move, then okay, but I think he's the one that needs to be inconvenienced...not you.
How did the session go today?
Thank you all for stopping by my thread.
I agree that staying on the master bedroom would matter if H lived here, but as he is currently just a weekend visitor I prefer to have a space that the kids don't need to use rather than having the master bedroom. At the moment the family computer is in the MBR so I cannot just go in and close the door behind me, the kids need to go on and out all the time. The other room is calmer and more independent. I will however consider rearranging all the rooms around one day. Maybe swapping the rooms around or moving the children in the MBR? The dynamics on the house need to change to reflect the new "arrangements" somehow.
Job the IC turned out to not be IC after all! The appointment was with a "Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner" which apparently is someone that can help with mild depression and anxiety and they do that by directing you to self help and you are given work to do at home. It went well but she suggested that maybe I will need some counselling to help me deal with how confused I am at the moment about my relationship etc. I will see her every two to three weeks. My first recommended reading is about being kind to yourself. She thinks that everything I do or say is about protecting others or supporting others and that I need to do the same with myself. Funnily she mentioned that even my choice of work is altruistic which I never considered that way. I like her and find it easy to talk to her. By the way, she even suggested H is going through MLC.
Esame,
good luck at the counseling session!
I understand how you are feeling about not being fully honest with everyone. DBing is a tricky approach because it goes against what is the natural knee jerk reaction. As I'm sure you've read/ experienced, most people aren't going to be on board with the DB approach. They are going to want to fix "it" for you and offer their two cents.... Which may or may not be to stand for the marriage. I feel for you. Again, I hope you have a great experience tomorrow.
Sorry I was going to quote something and pressed post too soon.
Feyth I agree, my friends didn't understand why I'm still fighting. And my family will be devastated, not only because of a potential marriage breakdown, but for the simple reason that they live thousands of miles away in another country and they will worry about me being here "alone" without H's emotional support.
HaWho thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm sure the kids will start asking questions sooner or later so I will try to come up with a better plan. I'm not sure what that will look like, but we clearly need to reorganise everything.
H looked after the baby yesterday so that I would go to my appointment, and he then told me that he spoke to his mum about our separation so they know. I knew this was coming but I am so upset on her behalf. She hasn't called me and avoids my calls, I'' not sure if it's because they just moved or because she is not ready to talk about it. It's crazy how his happiness matters more that anyone else's, he is such a nice person normally.
I was not comfortable around him, I need to work on my anger and disappointment.
It's crazy how his happiness matters more that anyone else's, he is such a nice person normally.
This is something very similar to what I believe I have written a few times. My H is normally very, very nice. Would give people the shirt off of his back. Is well liked. Is still, when we interact, very nice to me. Those who know him very well, though, get a sense of his controlling nature. It doesn't change his niceness, though. That makes it easier for everyone to put up with the controlling part. Throughout this ordeal (can't believe its been over a year since he moved out!) I couldn't understand how the "nice guy" would be the same as the selfish guy who would give everything up without trying to work on it, would lie and cheat, all for making himself "happy".
BlueWave, over in Newcomers, had a group discussing a book about "nice guy syndrome" on her thread. You might find it and the book mentioned, helpful. I did. Its a good companion to MWD's stuff if you are as baffled by your "nice guy" as I was. It basically discusses how they are controllers. They are insecure and angry and feel they need to be extra nice to make up for how they really feel inside. Pair it with an MLC and you have a depressed guy full of anger and feelings of low self worth and failure who can't really control anything. So they dump and run...from us. And what we represent (pressure, responsibility, failure to have that "perfect" family). They still feel guilt for doing so because its not "nice", but they can't handle the lack of control over the situation. Its easier since they still care to just "be there" in spurts; hence the "we can still be friends" line that some of us get. But all else is just too much to handle right now.
Finding and reading that was helpful to me to understand a bit more. I wish my H could read it. I can't suggest it, unfortunately. It did help solidify my path as he goes through MLC.
Ciluzen thank you for this. I found BlueWave's posts, but didn't get a chance to go though them properly to read on the nice guy syndrome. I'm glad the book helped you, it is on my reading list (which is ever expanding now that my "Psycological Wellbeing Practitioner" (I think I'll shorten that to "Therapist" from now on) gives me reading and things to work on.
A bad day yesterday, my sister had a scan and they found a very large Fibroid in her uterus and she is now supposed to have a full hysterectomy which will lead to a surgical menopause. She is in her mid 30s. I'm happy it is benign, and I'm happy they are dealing with it, but I worry about the operation and about a sudden menopause. I informed H that I might need to go to my sister when she has her operation and he was happy to look after the kids, and sent me a message to say that he is "sorry to hear that". Two things happened after that text. Firstly I was a little upset that he didn't think to call. Obviously that sends a clear message about his level of emotional intelligence, so I'm not dwelling on it. Secondly, I started typing a long reply about what it means for my sister, and how bad it is etc, and then I pressed DELETE and replied "thank you". If the man doesn't feel close to me to call me when he knows I'm struggling and heartbroken, there is no space for me giving him any information about my life and my problems. So I think this round of DBing finds me stronger! I need to read everything again, my plan this weekend is to read, exercise and relax in my new "girly" room.
I'm very sorry to read about your sister's health issue. I do hope that the surgery goes well and she recovers nicely. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks Job, I appreciate that.
Quick question: H is coming home tonight, the first weekend he is spending here since saying he wants a D. Do I take my ring off? I don't want to! But I don't want to appear clingy either....
Esame,
The ring situation is something that you need to decide. If you feel comfortable w/it on, then I would leave it on. After all, you are still married. To me, wearing your ring is not clingy, it states that you believe in your marriage and are honoring your vows in spite of what he is doing.
I decided to keep my ring on. It's my ring and it is my decision to wear it or not, and it's got nothing to do with how he sees our marriage. Actually a few days ago I bought some other rings in case I decided to stop wearing mine but I still wear my wedding ring. I must admit that I did consider selling H's ring and the jewelry he got from my family on our engagement, but decided against it. Maybe the boys can have them one day. Or if things really go pear shaped and I need cheering up I might sell them one day
I kept really busy with housework today. The house is coming along really nicely. I "rebranded" the master bedroom into the family room, and told S8 that he is allowed to sleep with daddy when daddy is home. S8 always asks to sleep with one of us, so he is ecstatic. H was surprised I changed the sleeping arrangements and tried to say that I didn't have to. I explained I'm doing it for me, in order to have privacy and my own space. I've moved some more things around too, and I feel the house if more functional now. We moved here 18 months ago but there are still things to be done, hope to have everything finished by Christmas.
H was polite, he asked about my sister and he seemed concerned about her. I was calmer than last time he was here, I think I'm getting my anger under control a bit more.
I actually made a joke, when he asked where his clothes were (I moved them to the MBR because what would the point of his things being in MY space) I told him that I put them in a bin bag and I left them out in the garden. The look on his face was priceless. He must think I'm capable of anything. We did laugh when I told him I was kidding, but he was mortified for a minute.
Not much else to report, just wanted to say thank you to Job and everyone else on the forum for all the support and encouragement. Actually Job you'd be pleased to know that I'm going through the welcome post, and feel like it all makes so much more sense the second time around! I would recommend to everyone to re-read the welcome post often!
Today has been a bit of hit and miss. Some good moments, and a few bad ones. The things I'm unhappy about the most is that he is till still feels the need to say whatever horrible thing comes to his head. For example this morning after doing the kids breakfasts and everything I was in a hurry to go to my diet club and said sorry for the kitchen (it was ok, just not immaculate) and he said "it's okay, I'm used to it". I saw red. I shouldn't, but I did. I'm not a tidy person but since we've been having issues I made sure to have the house almost perfect most of the time. I do all the household chores anyway, so what gives him the right to define himself as a visitor first and then comment on the tidiness of the place? I turned back and put the things away, I don't want to owe him any favours. Came back from my group and he hadn't put any of his things away and hadn't started the dishwasher! I felt like saying something but kept the duct tape in place instead. I don't want to allow myself to be hooked to his negativity but I don't understand why he is being so...weird! I think I need to lower my expectations even more! I should approach him as the "awkward flatmate" from now on.
I'm also annoyed about his contribution to looking after the kids. We agreed that he would be here in the weekends so that he can spend more time with them. Also it's meant to be my "me" time. I still have to ask for time to do my stuff, and all he does is look after himself. I'm just venting here, I'm sorry. I just want to keep things pleasant or comfortable home and again he is not helping.
On a more positive note the new sleeping are working better. I have space and he cannot "hide" in the small room. He is still doing his own thing but the kids are around too.
Well this is turning into an eventful weekend. Tonight at 10 pm when I was tired and ready for bed h decided to have a chat about parenting with me. Obviously I'm still angry, and still blaming him for putting the kids through this. He wants to know if there is some counselling we could have in how to treat the kids. Obviously I'm happy that he finally recognises that the kids will be affected, but I was not sure how to react. So I said I'll speak to our doctor and ask for a regeral. Then I explain that I already spoke to the schools so the kids will have support if they need it. I also said that I have done some reading around it and the method that works best is coparenting and keeping the kids in their safe environment. He then said why is to hard to get the counselling as he asked. Why don't I answer his questions. I explain that I answered the question at the very star of the conversation, and maybe the problem is him, and that he doesn't want to hear anything I say. Anyway, it didn't end well. He then wanted to know why the kids room is messy if it doesn't bother me. I did that it does, but that I couldn't get the kids to do it. I asked him to leave my room as I'm tired, because I was about to cry. I messaged him to say that maybe this was not the right week to ask me those questions, so soon after last weekend's talk and when I'm dealing with being away from my sister while she needs me? I did say that I appreciate his concern for the kids, but I'm not ready for those talks
Esame,
I'm so sorry he's still there and not being very caring.
Why don't you put it on him to locate a counselor for a change? Why do you have to do everything? If he's not happy w/the kids' rooms being messy, then why doesn't he take the initiative and speak to the children about it and help them clean it up? After all, he wants to co-parent and this is all part of co-parenting and not just play time w/them.
Maybe it is time to turn the tables just a bit and plant the seed that if he is truly sincere about counseling, maybe he should be the one locating a counselor since you've got a lot on your plate at the moment, i.e., your sister's situation.
Please take care of yourself.
Job it's not that he is simply not caring, it feels like his attitude is becoming worse every day, or that his MLC has accelerated? It's insane, surely now that he made his position clear he should work on our co parenting or friendship or whatever it is that people are meant to do after they separate? At the end of the day, if he doesn't want to be my husband why does he think I should put up with his insanity when I'm doing him a favour by allowing him to be here whenever he wants and for as long as he wants? I know my motivation is for the kids to have as little disruption in their day to day life as possible, but I'm being really easy on him, no demands, no limitations nothing. I think I really need to set some boundaries now, because when he makes me as angry and he hurts me as much as yesterday that affects my behaviour towards him AND the kids, and it is definitely not helping the DBing at all.
When I woke up today I was in a terrible state. I could not stop crying, thankfully it was very early and the kids and H were still in bed. I composed myself by the time they woke up, and planned to work in the garage (decluttering) so that I would not have to face his moody highness. It was a busy morning in the house though, and I managed to stay and be ok. H did some DIY, and was pretty normal. We got loads done, and no more crazy, rude requests on his part. I went for a lovely run and then he went back to his bachelor pad. To say I'm relieved he is gone would be the understatement of the century. We had a nice chat about exercise supplements before he left, probably the most normal he's been all weekend.
I don't know how to get through to him. Not any R talks, just normal "flatmate agreement" stuff. I don't want a talk that would turn uncomfortable, I actually want the opposite. A guarantee that there will be as little of his insulting attitude towards me, because it affects the environment our kids grow up in. Maybe in a few weeks I will be ready to deal with his cr@p though, so maybe I should just hung in there? I don't know!
Hi Esame, sorry to hear your weekend was rough. I don't have much to say but I'm in a somewhat similar situation although it sounds like my w is much better to deal with. I hope your h gets better to be around when he is over. How is he with the kids? Sometimes my w will be short with me then turn and be super nice with the kids. I just try to act the same as if there was nothing wrong and she usually gets better. There are lots of times when I have to remind myself about trying to be a friend and person w would be stupid to leave and just let things slide and/or go do something for a few minutes. When I listen to her I can see how lost she can be at times. Sometimes I really enjoy her being here but there are other times when it's tough. I wish I had better input but maybe try to be patient and see if his attitude changes. Glad you could get a run in before he left. take care!
Esame,
I'm so sorry your weekend turned out the way it did. I suspect that your h has moved deeper into his crisis if his attitude is becoming worse. It could be that he really doesn't want to talk to you about normal "flatmate agreement stuff". He wants to do his own thing and not have any responsibilities or accountability right now. To him, talking about such stuff is like "ball and chain" talks and he just wants to be a Disney dad and just enjoy his time w/his kids. I know you want to nail things down, but you can't do that w/a person in crisis.
The more you try to have rational and common sense talks w/him, the more he's going to show attitude and get ugly. Right now, he just doesn't want to hear it and you trying to have these talks w/him is maybe reminding him of his mother. He's a teenager in a grown man's body right now and he doesn't see things the same way that you do. Maybe he feels that he needs to have this attitude in order to get you to back off and leave him alone. It could be that he does still have a soft spot for you and the only way to get through the times around you is to cop an attitude. After all, in his mind, you and the relationship are the problem and why he is so unhappy. No one really knows what goes through their heads, but I am going to suggest that you cease trying to get him to listen to you about "flatmate" stuff.
There is one thing that I would suggest doing is calling him on his bad behavior especially when the children are present. You can do this in a very a calm voice and look him in the eye when you do so. Once you've stated your point of view, then leave it alone. He will need time to digest the info. Don't allow him to bait you into a heated discussion about it.
Again, I'm so sorry he's acting out.
Kyh thank you for your post. If anything I think he is better with the kids now. He definitely spends more quality time with them. He gave me those "proper dad" lectures (that I had to take with a pinch of salt) this weekend, but otherwise he is (as Job called it above) a "Disney dad". I think he actually realised that the kids will be affected so his solution to that is that I should find a counsellor that will give us the magic recipe on to how to talk to the kids about the separation and our future divorce. In his mind that is the only acceptable outcome, and he is not going to entertain the thought that maybe it is a mistake.
Job thank you for your support. I think my new motivational line would be "What Would Job Suggest" or WWJS for convenience! That would be used whenever the STFU smoothies fail me or when I find the Duct Tape too itchy...
So maybe I will call him on his rudeness next time, but I decided that I need to really chill about the whole situation and don't give him ammunition to hurt me. He can only upset me when I allow it, so I should ignore his parenting advice and wisdom and not initiate ANY talks other than the daily pleasantries necessary to operate a family. Usually I keep the weekend free for him to make plans with the kids etc, this week I will make the plans and I will have fun with the kids, and if he wants to tag along, he is more than welcome to.
I have been thinking that this sudden behaviour deterioration might be one of two things: either he is not happy he has to wait for his precious D, or he told the OW about the delay in divorcing and she is unhappy with him (or even left him?). I don't see why lose he would look the way he did this weekend! He looks older, and unhappy, and grumpy! He honestly looks ten years older, maybe more. Or maybe he is simply deeper into his crisis..
I also want to mention that in his defence, even if he called us "obligations" last weekend, he is supporting us financially and he is still paying for most bills. I feel like I should mention that because to me it shows that somewhere in there he is still caring about his family, just not in the way he used to.
Try not to mind read as to what is going on w/him. His appearance is typical MLC appearance. He's probably not sleeping well and the depression and stress are affecting his health.
Yes, the real h is deep within the person you are seeing at the moment. He really is very unhappy and hasn't figured out that he actually holds the key to open the door and clear those dark glasses of the fog. It's going to be a while before does that. Dig deeper for patience and try to enjoy your week w/your children.
Thanks Job
I had a good day, did loads of housework and enjoyed the house looking clean and organised. I'm in work Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday mornings so Monday is my "me" day. I should have done some paperwork and errands but couldn't face it. I should really do it tomorrow morning before work, otherwise it will end up stressing me to no end. My procrastination is my biggest failure! I'm trying to improve, but I think if I could get things done in a more timely manner it would have been so much better for me!
Spoke with MIL, and this time we didn't avoid the subject, we spoke about H letting them know what he wants from his life (To be a single man). MIL and FIL told him that's not possible after theee kids, and to give it some time. I don't think he insisted that much to be honest, because MIL was under the impression that everything is going better
. Either she is in denial or he tells them what they want to hear. Either way, I said that he needs (and deserves) time. I'm not sure if their persistence helps, but I understand where they are coming from. MIL actually commented on the fact that he didn't even consider the fact that she is just coming through a harsh chemo and facing a serious illness. If she ever found out H was in the same country as her in August and went to a holiday resort with his friends instead of supporting her during chemo, she would be devastated. MIL is having an MRI tomorrow and then visiting her mum for a very well deserved holiday on Friday. She mentioned FIL and herself will visit us in November or December, I said that they are always welcome here. Not sure what H thinks I'm trying to not contact him unless there is an emergency.
Apologies in advance for the typos, I'm on my phone and the layout is strange..
Esame, I like your new signature!
I'm happy that you had that conversation with your MIL. It would be nice if they came but don't be disappointed if they don't. My MIL told me many times that they will come but then just manages to persuade h to bring kids to them at least for one night. I think they don't feel comfortable about being in our house when h is not living here. And I understand that she is his mother and she should be supporting him (no matter how bad choices he's making). Though she does not really do it but at least she is not her usual pushy self, I begged her to leave him figure out what he wants and not to intervene.
I'm also happy that you made yourself a nice room for yourself. I can understand that it's important for you now to be able to close yourself somewhere and just be left alone, if just for a few minutes. Hope you are enjoying your new decorations.
As for the ring, keep it as long as you want. I still wear my rings (but my h still wears his). It's yours so why not to wear it. One day you may feel differently but in the meantime do what feel right to you.
Don't feel guilty about paperwork and errands. It will wait for you :-). "Me" time is important! Now that I'm back to work I don't have much of it and miss it.
Hang in there!
Thanks Bee! My signature is just a movie quote from "White collar" but when I heard it I thought of all the lies H told me, but mainly of all the newfound "truths" he is telling himself
If R talk was allowed I would love to ask him how is his pursuit of happiness working out for him. He looks sadder than he had in the 16 years we have been together.. But.. "not my circus, not my monkeys" (my second favourite quote at the moment)
Relatively good day for me, work was good and the kids seem happy. Managed to spend some one to one time with S10 in the morning and S8 in the afternoon. And took baby to the park so she is a happy bunny too...
H texted this morning to thank me for returning some money that I borrowed from him. I messed up the dates for a new direct debit, and had to ask him for a little money for one day. I didn't like asking him for money though so I made a promise to myself to manage my money better from now on. I returned the money straight away and he texted as soon as it reached his account. I didn't want to get into a texting dialogue but I did text back to say that I thanked him for helping me out in the first place. Apparently we can communicate better via texts at the moment, since he currently has the emotional intelligence of a pancake and I have anger issues, which I'm really not proud off
. I'm giving myself little pep talks about how to be around to H this weekend, I want to be friendlier but obviously it is hard to be friends with someone that looks at me like he hates me. If someone didn't know the history of our issues and just dropped by for a visit they would probably think that I have wronged him in some way and he is "tolerating" me. But I need to move past that so that the environment will be nicer for the kids. We don't fight or even shout or anything, but maybe we are both a little... passive-aggressive? Not very DBing, and not good parenting in any case. So that's my goal for this weekend, and if I come here crying for sympathy please remind me that I'm the adult and I have three children and a teenage husband to look after...
Happy weekend fellow DBers! I hope everyone has a great time.
My H came home last night, he turned up late again, too late for me to go running. I was friendly and didn't ask him why he was late, or why he didn't let me know he was coming in the first place. He seemed normal, and a lot better than last weekend.
I am ok, had mainly good days this week. My main issue at the moment is that I feel like I'm overeating
. I don't want to start putting weight but with everything that's happening it's easy to comfort eat.
The other night, out of nowhere I started crying. But not for the usual reasons, like what H is doing to our family and our children etc, but I cried for me. For missing my husband. I remembered how much we loved each other and it was unbearable. I don't even know where those feelings came from, it was like a flashback from a previous life. Well it was a previous life, wasn't it?
Yes, I guess it was a previous life, wasn't it? That's the hard part. When you miss your H. Its real, and we know it was real. It makes me smile, just like it did then, when I think of how my H used to act like a little kid and throw his arms around me, call out my pet name, and give me the most loving hug and kisses. Then I choke up a bit, because I don't have that and something in his head has changed it to me not loving that, even being embarrassed by him doing that. The pain of it is, sometimes I did act embarrassed in public, because I never saw other adults around me do that. I didn't know how lucky I was. But I was such a private person, afraid of what the world thought then. To bad there are no do overs.
Someone on here tried to tell me that I didn't miss my H; I only missed the idea of him. I considered this for a long time. I disagree. I miss my H. The H who loved me as well as the one I've talked to recently that I can't have. The whole package. I just don't like the things he's done or the way he says he feels right now. But liking someone's behavior (or not liking it) is separate from loving the person. I dislike the behavior of my children sometimes; I still love them, and not just the idea of them. Them. I then hope the behavior changes due to the consequences of their actions and their consideration of it. Same with H, no matter how long it takes.
Its ok to cry for missing someone that you love and care about. It helps. It will get better.
Esame - I find that for me - not so much lately - but it's almost like I have a pool of tears inside me that just builds up until something cracks my shell and they all spill out.
It's fine to cry I think even for manly guy types like me
I've been finding that when the pool is allowed to drain that I actually feel somewhat refreshed.
Thank you Ciluzen and Andrew
I will come back later for a proper post, but something just happened that I need help with. H and were in the kitchen preparing breakfast (he was making his own, me everyone else's) and he asked me something about money, like how much the children's benefits come up to. He wants me to start applying for things as a single mum. I will do that as some point, but only after I make sure we qualify for it, and that it will not affect the days he is allowed to spend here. I believe there is a maximum number of nights a second adult can spend in the house, but his priority is not the children's welfare, is the money. I kept quiet, but I think he is angry with me for not doing it and is looking to start the process himself. I really worry that if we apply for those benefits he will be pushed further away. I suppose I need to research ASAP and hope I can get through to him before he does anything stupid
Esame
If I remember rightly, you're in the UK. If that's incorrect, ignore this advice.
You can only claim higher benefits if your other half doesn't live in the house as your partner, and, there are time limits as well. It can, as my W found out, be beneficial for the spouse who retains the children.
It's a minefield, but please don't use this as an excuse to hold on to him in the house. If he wants to go, let him go.
Thanks for the quick reply Huddy,
I am in the UK, and it is indeed a minefield.
I'm not trying to keep him in the house, him being here is actually difficult for me as he has so much anger towards me. I only want him to keep coming every weekend so that the kids can continue having a normal life. We told them that he is working away, they don't know anything about our separation yet, and I was hoping to protect them for as long as possible.
IDK, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I should just give up and hope for the best..
((((Esame)))),
I'm not in the UK, so can't really help with the knowledge of the legal stuff, but I agree with Huddy...let him go. If you are trying to keep up an illusion for the sake of the children, understand that children are surprisingly astute in their observational skills even when the understanding is not there. I know from my own personal life as well as from speaking to my own grown children that the memories from those observations, later on in life, are seen through adult eyes. Then they may have an "aha" moment followed by a sense of betrayal...a bit more severe than Santa Claus or the tooth fairy. Just my 2 cents.
Is there a way to gently explain on their level what is happening without blame or anger? Your H's inquiry is such that it shows he is wanting to move away from the arrangement you have. It might be time to wave away the illusion from the children. I could very well be wrong; this is a very gut feeling. But I like truth. Except for the holiday mascots, I tried to be honest with the kiddos on most things and they have told me in later years that that is why they always felt they could come to me about anything. They've also told me they knew Santa wasn't real for years before I fessed up.
Job, are you able to guide on this? I may be barking up the wrong tree.
I know this is hard, Esame. I can't even imagine going through this with children at home. You are such a strong woman who is trying to protect her kids from the pain while absorbing it all, blow by blow. I think in my heart, though, that it will be less painful in the long run if they know from you what is happening, and especially that they are not the cause. That seems to be the first place children's minds go during these crises. That's why I think the info should come softly from you...to head that off. Just yet another thing to think about, my friend. Carry on.
Hi Esame. I just caught up on your sitch and I'm sorry things have taken the turns they have. You seem to be strong though.
I was so sorry to hear about your sister's problems and your H's reactions reminded me very much of my own H. He didn't even bother to come home when I was in the hospital. He was here (by chance) when my Mom passed, but left before her funeral leaving me alone to deal with it. The empathy/sympathy gene is definitely missing in action when it comes to MLC. If you can just get to a point of expecting nothing in that area you'll be so much better off.
I also found a lot of similarities in how you H behaves toward you when he comes for the weekends. My H used to be the same when he'd come back for a week or two for business purposes. I think they get that way because they find themselves "in reality." I also think being around us causes the guilt they feel to bubble to the surface. It's harder to put that out of their minds when they have to interact with us. I think we interfere with the fantasy and they end up acting out.
I think creating you own space - your own personal safe place - was a smart move. I'm really happy you did that.
I hope someone can chime in on the legal stuff.
Stay strong.
Thank you for your honest and supportive supportive replies.
Ciluzen, I think I might have to just do that - let him go. Before he left he asked me again to look into the benefits thing. I said I would, but I would be uncomfortable applying for it if it meant he could not spend the weekends here with the kids. He said "it's only a matter of time until he got his own place and then the kids would visit him at his place". I kind of lost it at that, and said that once again he is doing hat he wants without consulting me at all. He disagreed. I said that for the last 9 months he has done exactly as he pleased and has not compromised at all. I explained that I understand he feels we are done, and that is ok, but for me the arrangement we had is as much as I can cope with, and that basically no matter what happens between us I hope that we can do parent successfully. Apparently he just wants to do as he pleases, so I told him that I cannot deal with that now, and that I will look into a counsellor that can advise us how to do things.
To say I'm struggling is an understatement, I know families break down all the time, but I never thought I would be a single mum of three in a foreign country with no support network. According to H the kids will be fine, "kids are always ok". I told him he is crazy if he thinks that, and the proof that kids are not ok when their family is dysfunctional is the way we are dealing with this, that we are the product of broken homes, and why are we doing the same to our kids. He called me unreasonable for not giving him a divorce, even after I explained that the law states that we can only divorce two years after separation.
I don't know what to do. Every week he is worse, maybe I should just file for divorce and be done with it.
2T, I think in all the madness my space has been vital to me keeping my sanity. That little room with the cushion overload is my sanctuary, and I love it.
Yep I'm officially struggling.
I don't see how this can have no impact on the kids, I cannot understand his thinking. One week he wants us to get counselling to minimise the impact on the kids and the week after he wants to move things along as fast as possible. I don't know what to do. I am officially broken. I'm dreading seeing him now, every weekend he wants more and more and more. He even mentioned the money agreement will change because I'm being unreasonable. I feel like I need to talk to someone and get some help, but I know I shouldn't involve anyone else in this as it will be counterproductive. But maybe I should accept things are truly over and get some help.
I suppose if I had some help understanding how to not hurt the kids I could handle it? Or maybe I simply cannot accept that side of a divorce and I have to work very hard at dealing with it.
Hi Esame, I'm sorry your H is making things especially difficult. When they say it has no effect on the kids it screams that things aren't right with them. My w still maintains this mentality too. I think they have to tell themselves that to keep their guilt at bay. Be the rock for your kids, they need you while your h flops like a fish out of water. My w goes back and forth about getting her own place too. I know it's stressful to hear. If your sitch is like mine he's not the one getting the hard questions at bedtime or kids coming in during the middle of the night. Try to keep detaching (I'm one to talk) and focus on yourself and kids. I try my best to stay busy with them, it helps us all (especially since my opportunity for excersise is pretty much nil right now).
I wish I had something better to offer. Thinking of you and your kids, take care!
Hi Esame,
I am so sorry things are getting worse. As others mentioned - let him go. By saying that I don't mean to file for divorce (I would advise you against filing. If he wants a divorce, he should be the one filing) but I mean let him get his own place and don't insist on him coming for weekends. Kids most likely already know that there is something wrong (the two older ones). If you can explain to them gently that mom and dad need some time apart to figure things out... However, if you think you cannot manage 3 kids all by yourself for a while then keep insisting that he helps. After all, they are his 50% responsibility.
Regarding the benefits, I'm not in the UK, just across the channel, so don't know how it goes in the UK. Here, the separation needs to be proven by the official change of address of one of the spouses, lease agreement is apparently now enough. So, this made me think whether he insists on you asking for the benefits so he has a proof that you are officially separated (if it's the same rule in the UK). Just a thought. Yes, do check this legal stuff, it's important that you get informed and don't let him push you into anything you are not ready to do. You need to stay strong to be able to go through this crazy period so take only what you are able to deal with and postpone what can be postponed.
Big hug!
Kyh and Bee, thank you for your replies.
Nothing changed since Sunday, I'm keeping busy and trying to do things for the kids. I started preparing for Halloween, that seems to make the kids happy at the moment, so it works for me.
H called the kids on Monday and Tuesday night. That's a first, he has never done it before. It was nice for the kids, a little awkward for me though.
I managed to sleep better last night, and I feel so much better for it! Also I managed to leave MIL out of all the drama of my marriage, she wants to help, but no one can help us now, we just need to go through it. She is spending time with her mum for the first time sinc her diagnosis back in March, and she deserves to enjoy some time with her family without worrying about us.
It's my weekend "out" this week! I'm going out with my friends on Friday, and then visiting friends an hour away on Saturday. No plans for Sunday yet, but I'm working on it..
Esame, I'm in the UK like you (and a foreigner like you), and you are entitle to have a 30 minutes consultation with a solicitor regarding your financial situation. I'd strongly advise you to do it.
I have a legal separation agreement where all the finances, child maintenance and access to kids have been sorted as we sold our house while still married but separated. I looked after my kids and myself financially. This agreement isn't properly recognised as such by the court in a divorce case, but I gives the judge a good basis to work from. My solicitor indicates that if H tries to argue this agreement in court, the judge would be likely to question H's motives as he signed willingly the paper.
I know my M is over and it's very unlikely I will save my marriage, but I'm a very stubborn person and my view is that if H really wants a new life with OW he needs to be the one to put the final nail in the coffin (ie file). He now needs to take responsibility for his actions as I'm no longer being cooperative and making his life easier. H said I made the decision for him (between me and OW) when I kicked him out, I put the house on the market and dealt with the sale, and dealt with the separation agreement. So far I feel I have facilitated his life with OW, not anymore!
Do you intend to get married soon again? If not why would you want to file? Let him do the dirty work himself, but look after yourself financially.
((((Hugs)))))
If I'm honest Rouky I don't intend to get married again EVER, but something tells me that H has different ideas. If he is indeed having an EA (or PA by now) with my "friend" that I think he is, she is a high maintenance golddigger and WILL cost him a lot of money. I cannot believe that I'm being so civil and I have not embarrassed the little cow to all our friends and her family, she is helping H destroy our family and is wishing me all the best for my kids on Facebook at the same time. How can people be so two faced? Anyway, I think he wants his freedom so that he can do whatever he wants guilt-free. Somehow he still insists he has not cheated and doesn't want to cheat, but I don't believe much that comes out of his mouth nowadays. I want to delay the divorce as much as possible, and after checking the law, if he is the one that files he needs to do it under "separation" and for that he needs to prove we have been separated for two years. If I agree at that point we can divorce or if I say no I can delay it for five years (I don't see that as fair though, so I will probably agree to it after two years I guess). Then again maybe in a few months I will think all is fair and not agree to anything he wants, who knows.
We have no assets here, we only rent, but I have a little property back home. We will both inherit some property that was for our kids, so my biggest future financial concern is that he wastes that instead of giving it to our kids. My agreement with H is that if he wants "to leave to pursue his happiness" he needs to be able to pay for me to stay at home looking after the kids, but of course in the first ever fight he threatened me with only paying for the kids. It's crap. If I told him it's ok, he would file tomorrow, it's insane. He thinks after 16 years a quick goodbye will do. And he is struggling to be friendly even when I'm not pursuing or trying to talk to him about us or anything other than coparenting. He says he doesn't understand how I can act like everything is ok, and that he doesn't want to pretend anymore.
I'm very stubborn too, and I somehow cannot give up fighting for my family. I think a divorce now would be an epic mistake, and I want to stop all D talks, but he brings it up indirectly, through money talks etc. Maybe we can outlast this, maybe not.
So the dreaded weekend is here, and I'm not sure what to expect from H. I'm going out tonight, so that's one day out of the way. Tomorrow I might meet some friends for coffee and get my hair done. I should be happy with my plans. I should be looking forward to things rather than dreading a visit from a man that used to make me happy. I'm particularly apprehensive this week as a few things that H said last weekend are playing in my mind. For example he mentioned how he could not understand how I can act/be normal and happy when he is here,I thought we are supposed to appear normal? Is it his guilt not letting he enjoy a normal weekend? I did not have any expectations of him, I just wanted a nice environment for the kids, I didn't pursue, flirt, initiate talks. How am I supposed to be around him? Be horrible? I don't even feel like doing that, why should I? Shouldn't he pleased I'm "acting" normal? I think maybe I should distance myself from the situation? I honestly don't know how to react. I think maybe tomorrow I'll take my DB books and just go somewhere to read and have some me time. Maybe I'm missing some key step in this. How do I deal with the resentment he has against me?
I don't know what to do, I'm really thinking of asking his some time with no R talks or no discussions at all? Anyway they are not R talks really are they? They are D talks, and maybe that's why I'm trying to avoid them at all costs.
Esame,
The comment about acting normal is one that was put to me by my xh after I told him that he could leave before Christms which was 3 weeks away. They don't understand that we can go on and to them we do appear normal. They don't understand that we are torn up inside and they think we should be crying, begging and pleading w/them to stay. That would give them even more justification to do what they are doing.
He does feel a good bit of guilt for what he's doing and he's still searching for justifications. As for the resentment, there's nothing you can do about that at the moment. He needs to feel this way in order to do what he's doing, after all, in his mind, you are the reason that he is unhappy.
I wouldn't say one word to him about some time w/no R talks. if he brings it up, change the subject or walk away or just tell him that this is not the time to have those discussions as it's taking up his attention that should be focused on the children. You have the choice as to stay there and engaged in R and D talks...you make the decision to walk away and not discuss them at this time.
Thank you for your wise words and support Job.
I'm going to rehearse a few lines in my head that I can use whenever he starts a D talk, focusing on the kids should work for both of us for now.
I made plans to be out all day tomorrow. I hope that will give him time to enjoy the kids, it will be the first time he has to look after all three of them. I really need to be spending as little time as possible near him, he is deep in his crisis and not nice at all to me.
I really like Job's advice that, if your h engages in any r talks, you should tell him not to take his attention from the kids. One thing that worked very well for me when my h was bringing all that up was to wait just long enough to get the gist of what he was saying (1 minute or so) and then start to nod and say politely "okay, let me think about all that" as I was inching my way out the door. He never remembered to follow up. Scary fog that was.
Also, be sure to snoop proof your house! Hide all books and make sure he can't see histories on your computer, etc. Remember certain devices can sync with others.
Enjoy your weekend!
Hi Esame, I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I worry about seeing my H again too. He is coming over to pick my D up tomorrow (she eventually agreed to see him after six weeks) and I'm planning on going to the gym when he gets here. I don't think I am detached enough to keep my emotions in check.
I am also in the UK and when I was a single Mum I didn't claim any benefits because my XH paid child support although I did go back to work full-time. I don't think it is up to you to have to claim benefits as a single Mum. It's like your H has decided because he wants to leave he can transfer all the responsibility onto the state. If you are unable to work because you are raising your children he needs to provide for you. Definitely seek advice with a lawyer or the CAB. It's not right that he is making you go cap in hand for hand outs.
(((Esame)))
From putter
***************************************************
Okay here is some of what I learned and I hope it helps others:
1. Quiet, persistent, nondemanding loving by someone who loves himself or herself is almost impossible to resist.
2. Be aware of your own thoughts and visualizations as they can determine the course of your life. What we tell ourselves can affect the outcome of our interactions with others.
3. We all know that threats, begging, convincing chase a S away and are counterproductive for anyone seriously interested in salvaging a R.
4. To love is to pay heed to the needs of the person you love. When you resort to begging, convincing etc. you are only focusing on yourself.
5. When you feel overwhelmed by your own feelings and want to vent at your S regardless of the consequences ask yourself if what you are about to say is an expression of love or a need.
6. The anger that you feel at having been left by your S if not really about your S but rather has to do with you.
7. Remember the pleasant moments from your M. Opportunities to create more of these moments strenghten your R.
8. It is important to turn all encounters with your S into pleasant encounters even if the purpose of the encounter is unpleasant.
9. You cannot argue your lover back to you. Renewing your R with your S has little to do with being right and everything to do with mutual experience of pleasant or positive moments.
10. We can only control ourselves and our own actions.
11. Cursing, name calling, pouting, begging, accusing or demanding does not get your S back. Communication should be based on the awareness that your S has a point of view and then empathize with their point of view.
12. Relax and take care of yourself. Do not neglect friends, interests, excercise etc.
From:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=794106&page=2
I really like the above post, so I copied and pasted it on my thread for future reference. I included the link as well for anyone that wants to read more.
HaWho and Coly thank you very very much for your replies.
This weekend I will walk away from all D talks (or money talks) and focus on myself and the children. I have a very busy weekend planned anyway, so it shouldn't be hard.
Esame, you are doing good as you have arranged for you to do things that you'd like to do this weekend. So enjoy them.
honey {{{{hugs}}}}
i wish there was something to say to make this easier. if there is, i'm not gifted with the necessary words.
my best advice is to take advantage of the free consult. i did hear of one idea that i'd wished i'd known about before we "lawyered up" and that was this woman went around and talked to all the heavy hitting lawyers in town before hiring one. this meant her husband couldn't hire any of them! I thought that was brilliant.
I have no idea of the laws in the UK so don't know if that would work there and don't know if there is any protection of inheritances. As for the "friend" ... wow. Better to know, painful as it is.
Try to enjoy what's left of your weekend and know that you are not alone. There are many people here pulling for you Esame. xoxoxoxoxo
Thanks for popping by ladies!
I'm doing quite well actually, H did manage to ruin my plans yesterday (went to work, something about a flat tyre, sneaked a visit to the gym without saying anything) but I didn't let it upset me. Instead I took S10 out for some one to one time as soon as H returned home, and really had a great time with him.
Today I just did the children's breakfasts, tidied up and left. I packed my DB books, my highlighters and went out. Had a lovely long walk and now I'm at my favourite restaurant waiting for my meal. I'm planning to go shopping afterwards and then another long walk home.
I'm trying to not worry about any potential speeches (he usually reserved the for Sunday night) but I feel more prepared to deal with any cr@p that comes out of his mouth.
I had a really funny moment yesterday, I need to share that with you! Basically H took our handheld blender to his bachelor pad so that he can use it for his gym smoothies. I needed one for myself so I bought the newest model of the same brand, and that came with an extra attachment for making mashed potatoes. I was really pleased with myself as I can now use all the old attachments and the new ones, and then I made some mash yesterday. It was so easy and the result was amazing! So amazing that I actually thought it was worth H leaving me and taking the old blender with him
. To say I'm easily pleased is an understatement isn't it? But I do love kitchen gadgets and really enjoy mashed potatoes.... obviously I enjoyed having a normal husband in the past, but that's not quite possible right now.
Ok, you made me LOL and almost spit my coffee. What a great way to start the morning. Thanks for the coffee stains, Esame!
That last post was full of good things...looking at the positives in two negatives (blender and H ruining plans) and keeping your sense of humor. I think you're doing great! That kind of has to be the attitude to keep us going, doesn't it? You hand me a pile of poop, I'll make the best darn compost around and grow fantastic flowers and veggies. And make mashed potatoes (that I grew in my garden) with my awesome blender, too! Take that, sir!
I like your 12 points from putter, as well. You've got this, Esame.
Sorry about your coffee Ciluzen
H left a couple of hours ago, and thankfully there were no D talks or anything too awkward or uncomfortable. He was obviously distant and cold, but that's the norm now right? He did attempt a couple of jokes, which is good I guess. We had a minor argument over shopping which was mainly my fault, I should have just nodded politely like I do the rest of the time. Another lesson learnt I guess. Also I noticed that sometimes I lower my guard and I initiate small talk, but it's like talking to a rude teenager that is having a tantrum, so why do I still do it? I really need to work at that, it is not my responsibility to entertain him, I should stop doing that ASAP.
H will try to look after the baby on Wednesday for me so that I can go to my "psychological wellbeing practitioner" appointment. I said that he didn't have to come if he cannot take time off work, and he said he will let me know. That's probably the most we spoke this weekend. Funnily even though we have only exchanged about three sentences in total he still managed to lie to me about something trivial (a TV show) and to hide his visit to the gym on the day I had made plans with my friends.
I enjoyed my afternoon out shopping earlier, I got myself some new expensive perfume and I'm really excited about it. And I got a glue gun. I've always wanted one those
Such a positive post. So much strength and wit. So glad and pleased to hear that you had a good weekend. Enjoy your new blender.
Glad to read you had a good weekend. Thank you for posting the 12 points! They are going in my phone notes for those days I need to read through my reminders.
Thank you Rouky and Kyh, I appreciate your support.
Today is the first day of half term, and we stated the break on the wrong foot. D2 has really high temperature and is really poorly. She is totally klingy, and I have to spend most of my time with her. Which must be hard on the boys, so I thought it would be easier if H came home to help with the boys. So I made the mistake of calling. I got some new level of apathy in return, so I very quickly suggested that if he is not able to come he could always be on standby in case baby gets worse. He chose the second option and I think I salvaged the situation. Clearly my definition of "important" is different to his.
Anyway, I'm taking the baby to see the doctor later, hopefully she is just teething or something. Poor little mite is really suffering today
I hope the little one is feeling better soon.
Thanks Job
We came back from the doctor and it seems like it is a throat infection. She is ok, but refuses to take anything for the temperature so it's a constant battle!
H called to ask if I'm coping, and if I needed any help. I said we've already been to the doctor, so I'll be absolutely fine on my own. And then I thanked him for his support.
We are getting ready to go trick or treating with the children, let's hope baby lets them enjoy it all
How is your daughter today Esame? Regarding H's apathy I'm realising day by day that men can dissociate one thing from another. Unfortunately they aren't built the same way as us! There is nothing we can do about it.
Keep soldiering on as you are doing a great job.
(((((Hugs)))))
Hi esame,
Hope your daughter is feeling better today and you all were able to enjoy your Halloween. It's pretty special for the young ones.
wishing you a lovely day!
How is the little one doing today? Feeling any better? Did the other children and you survive the Halloween festivities?
Thank you Rouky, Feyth and Job for your visit. The little one is much better today. I hate complaining about the kids, I love my children more than anything in the world, but it is so hard at the moment. S10 wants time alone and gets upset so easily, S8 has turned clingy and is scared of everything and D2 is pretty demanding too. I'm not sure if it is a reaction to H being less at home, or it is me being emotionally drained and that having an impact on how I react to the kids.
Anyway, rant over. Last night was good, the boys had a great time. D2 was struggling at first but after some candy everything got better for her. The pictures look funny in a way, she has purple-red eyes from the high temperature, she looks like she has make up on, but really it is how poorly she was.
H called first thing in the morning. He wanted to check how D2 was doing. I was very pleasant and polite, also I thanked him for his concern. Cannot believe that it I have to thank my children's father for calling to check on his kids. Not much else has happened, I feel like I've been chasing my tail all day. Thankfully tomorrow is my appointment with my therapist person, I truly need that.
Sorry I have not been around any threads, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day
Today was my second session with my "Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner". Apparently I need more help than she can offer so they are going to refer me to counselling. It's better to get the right help I suppose, but while I'm waiting for the referral I cannot see the current practitioner either. Which I was a little upset about. On a more positive note they recommended a few books and websites so I have those to help me for now.
H came to look after the kids for an hour so that I could go to the appointment. It was a very brief visit, probably for the best. Nice surprise for the kids though.
I'm not sure if I'm coping that well at the moment, I guess I'm really really tired. I might try to take some time off for me this weekend if H comes home.
Another weekend gone, and once again it was an awkward one. Nothing major happened but I have been reflecting on how I'm behaving and I think there is a lot of room for improvement. I'm obviously not initiating discussions and I'm trying to be polite. However... I'm becoming angry or frustrated pretty easily. And I react to the smallest comment or incident. I find myself answering back, or quarrelling about insignificant issues, which is out of character for me. And it doesn't help the current situation at all. Yes he walks around like a moody teenager but I don't think my reacting to every single comment he makes works. I should really try to prepare a batch of those revolting STFU smoothies. And order loads of duct tape. And maybe get a punch bag of some sort in the garage and take my frustrations out on that whenever he is nasty to me.
On a personal level I'm not doing too badly, but not great either. Got loads done over the weekend, but I'm still struggling with:
-Procrastination
-Overeating
-Not exercising enough
Really should do something about all of those, but in a way I don't know where to start. The weeks ago I was only a few pounds away from reaching my weight target, but now I'I've gained four pounds which is so disheartening.
Any suggestions on how to pull my shιt together would be very welcome...
It is difficult to shine under such conditions. It is hard to not let our spouses affect our moods and hence behavior. I know I have not perfected it yet. But realising those behaviours are not helping you is a great start.
If we keep a scorecard and only act nice if they do, everyone loses. Your actions and behaviours need to be in harmony of how you want to treat others. How you want to be. There will be times they don't deserve this treatment but as I said this is about YOU and how you want to be. Easier said than done, I know.
Be more specific about your goals.
What is enough exercise? What is over eating. Make your goals specific and measurable.
Best wishes!
Thank you for your visit roist, I really appreciate it
I definitely need to get more specific in my goal setting, I feel like over the last few weeks I have been trying to stay afloat, but I let the waves take me wherever they want, it's like I have no control of my life. I'm having a better week, the kids are happier and work is going well. H is not coming home this weekend, that might give me a little breathing space and some time to get organised hopefully.
You cannot swim upstream indefinitely.Sometimes we need to float before continuing. Just don't float back down the river.
Hi Esame,
we're just human. Sometimes we need to take a break from trying to be perfect... I hope that your kids are now all healthy and that you had a great weekend!
Thank you roist and Bee, I appreciate your replies.
I'll start with some good news, but I'm afraid this will be a venting post, I apologise in advance.
My sister had her operation last week, and is now home. She is recovering well, and is feeling better than expected.
The kids are doing better now that they are back at school. S8 is extremely clingy however, possibly he misses his dad more than he admits. However both S8 and S10 are doing really well considering.
D2 had her "30 month" review by a Health Visitor today. It was just a routine test and I thought everything was going to go fine BUT, there are concerns about her behaviour and it seems that she needs further more detailed assessments to check whether she is also on the autistic spectrum. S10 has ASD, so I was able to pick on the signs sooner but I kept telling myself that I was paranoid and that I was seeing things when nothing was wrong. Well the Health Visitor contacted the nursery and spoke with the, and they have similar concerns. I took it better than when S10's diagnosis, but to say I a, devastated is an understatement. I know she is still perfect, but I also remember how hard life was for my son until he got into a special school. Also S10 had the luxury of a normal two-parents-that-love-each-other-family. D2 is getting the sterile, polite version of a "shell"of a family. I don't know how to handle that.
I messaged H and asked him to call when he had time. He called, and when I told him about he said that he already knew. Apparently even that didn't impact on his decision making. When I told him I was concerned because I remember all the anxiety S10 went through, he casually said that things are different now, and S10 only suffered because of how often we moved. When I mentioned that our current situation is actually worse he was GENUINELY surprised, it didn't even dawn on him that maybe a separation could be stressful. I'm very pleased that at that point I brought the call to an end. Very politely, but I just didn't see the point of trying to open his eyes to the actual issues our kids can have. No other family support in the country for me or the kids, no network of friends, and two children with ASD. But all is good in H's world, so that's fine..
Hi esame,
Glad to hear your sister is doing well.
Your kids are so lucky to have you! Mine have been clinging on me like boa constrictors the last couple weeks. It's sad our mlc'ers can't see what they're doing. I know my kids are missing their mom.
I'm sorry to hear about your d but again she is lucky to have you. Early intervention is so important and it's great you're on top of it. I know that devastated feeling you speak of, I reacted badly when I found out about my s. Thankfully it was short lived. I'm sorry about your h's reaction. My w has done the same, it's all about her and no consideration about the effects on kids, no consideration for asd. Idk what happened to the woman who grabbed this by the horns when we found out. I think it's added stress they can't handle. Again you're kids are so lucky to have you!
I hope I you don't mind me asking but have you tried dietary therapy? My s had a miraculous turnaround when we eliminated gluten and dairy. After a few days off gluten he spoke to me, it was amazing. We were able to reintegrate dairy and soy after some time but he still has issues with gluten.
Hey Esame. Its ok to vent here. It sounds like you need it! I think you are right, trying to open H's eyes any further is kind of pointless, but those truth darts though...let 'em fly once in awhile. Then he can ruminate on them after you hang up.
I am sorry that you are without a support group where you are (friends, family, etc). I get that...times 10 when you have young children with special needs. Can you maybe find or even create a mom's or parents' group for those with kids on the spectrum through a local events or meetup site? Maybe even enlist the aid of a health agency in spreading the word? It might be a way of both making new friends and gaining some support for yourself. Worth a try!
Also, Kyh had a good suggestion. I work with ASD teens and young addults. One of my big bugaboos is their diet. The new people (past few years) that I have been working with are very pro-food therapy as I was so we were finally able to change up the diets while at school and many of the parents started changing it up at home to follow suit. Not just gluten, but cutting down on starches and processed sugar has helped tremendously. When did our world go so sugar mad? Its even in crackers and horseradish sauce! Sorry...soapbox...standing on it...:) Anyway, we noticed a big improvement in concentration and behaviors of the kids whose parents changed the home diet with us.
Esame. You aren't alone in this. You do have support here and people who look for your name and care about you. I know its not the same as in real life, but that will come. You just have to find the energy to make that happen. It will. It will get better!
I am sorry you are having to deal with that alone. It must be tough and stressful.Use this forum for support.
Best wishes
Bollox. Children on the autistic spectrum need a stable regime that allows them to develop a structured, secure routine to develop. They will show anxiety by hitting their head, self harm etc. As usual, the MLC'er hits the 'it won't affect them button' when all the experts (my S's included) will tell you the needs of an autistic child differ so much more than an able bodied child.
Autism is a 'secret/hidden' illness that most people don't recognise because there is normally no physical disfigurement. Your doctor/specialist will help you through all this, but you need to stay calm and not get stressed. My S was picked up at the 30 month stage, so, it's good to get an early diagnosis. Don't forget to claim all your entitlements in the coming months as this will also help your burden.
Hope everything goes OK. You will have challenges ahead - I hope your MLC'er sees through the selfishness and comes to his senses.
Esame - just want to lend some support and say I am sorry. I hope you can find assistance and the emotional support you need.
Sadly, I am not surprised that your h cannot "get it." MLCers crop, edit and retouch situations so that reality does not taint their world.
Keep strong and take care of you and your kids.