Still in the Storm - DivorceBusting.com

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Here are the links to my previous posts...

Can't Believe I'm Here - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2524363&page=1

MLCer and EA w/ OW - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534280&page=1

Masterpiece -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2541483&page=1

Masterpiece still in progress - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546771&page=1

Masterpiece -- a little more progress - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546976#Post2546976

Masterpiece -- Invincible...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555951#Post2555951

And, without all of the gory details... the current timeline beginning with the first period where I sensed exW was depressed or going through something (before BD):

� Summer 2013 -- stressful, W sometimes distant (prior to this we had 8 wonderful, but busy years together building a life and family with 3 amazing children)

� Christmas 2013 -- very happy, spent with family out of state, W very affectionate and loving

� March 2014 -- our 9th anniversary - loving, happy, but different/slightly distant

� May 2014 -- W's step-mom dies suddenly and unexpectedly, major shock to entire family

� Summer 2014 -- stressful, lots of travel (vacation to Disney with kids, out of town trip to visit family, beach vacation with family later in the summer), W very distant at times, one of our dogs starts having major problems (related to age)

� August 2014 -- discussion about "us" but resulted in reconnecting and having a great week before school started, W much more affectionate and loving and invested in "us"

� September 2014 -- W begins online communication with person who would become OW, our R still good and W doing little things that kept me thinking everything was fine/continuing to improve

� October 2014 -- a couple of very fun "date nights" together, online comm with OW continuing but just "friendly", even I comm with OW in friendly way, near end of month I start to notice that W and OW comm is excessive in frequency

� Last weekend of October 2014 -- W goes away for annual girls' weekend with college friends, I snoop and discover the W comms with OW more that weekend than she does with me

� After that weekend -- I confront W about her distance towards me, results in big blow up and I see texts/emails between W and OW where W confides that she is unsure about "us" and begins to express her feelings toward OW

� First week of November 2014 -- I realize everything, this is BD week, my nervous breakdown begins

� Mid-December 2014 -- W gives me the ILYBINILWY talk and says "it's over" -- no interest in working on M/R

� Christmas 2014 -- sucked

� February 2015 -- W makes week and half trip to visit OW out of the country, tells me that she was going away for a "silent retreat" but I knew the truth

� April 2015 -- I get new full-time job

� June 2015 -- I move out

� June 2015 -- OW comes to visit for 2 weeks

� September 2015 -- exW goes out of country for 2 weeks to visit OW again

� December 2015 -- OW moves here, they get married right before Christmas, I start dating old friend

� March 2016 -- I start going back to IC

� August 2016 -- we learn that exW's brother and his H are separating due to H's drinking and infidelity -- this is big because bro & his H were one of the examples of a "perfect" couple that W often referred to when explaining to OW how/why she is unsure about "us"

� September 2016 -- exW suddenly unfriends me and my family from FB, my GF and I begin discussing ending our R (various reasons)

So this is where it all stands right now... I am definitely still in the middle of the storm and continuing to try to work on me. Getting involved with old friend was fun, but I think it did 2 things -- 1. Distracted me from my journey and 2. Opened my eyes to some things about myself that I needed to see in order to continue on my journey (so I believe it has served a purpose in this middle of all of this.)

A bright spot today... Had a phone meeting with web developers for my new venture today and we should be launching the website this week!

This is related to the new business I am launching (mentioned near the end on my last thread), and this is a big point in my "win" column for me. I am successful in my career but got this biz idea a few years ago. Stumbled across something in May that made me realize the biz idea was more in my reach than ever and I have been working to launch it since May.

Normally this would be good just in general, but it's even more so because it is related to my employment challenges when ExW and I were still together -- challenges which impacted my emotional and mental state which I know was a contributing factor to the issues in our M/R during the last year of it. My self-esteem was low because I was having more trouble piecing together the part-time gigs that enabled me to be the work-from-home-parent and this also resulted in us having lower income than we'd had over the previous years which put a strain on us. This also contributed to ExW feeling like she was carrying the load financially for the family -- which contributed to her MLC.

At one point I did get involved with a startup that had a similar concept to my biz idea but that didn't work out. The owner had a flawed biz idea and wouldn't listen to suggestions from the two ppl she employed to help her launch it so I backed out. Never made a penny and wouldn't have anyway if she'd had a successful plan because my percent interest in the company was so low. All of this was happening at the same time that ExW was getting hit with the death of her stepmom which was the catalyst for full-blown MLC.

So to now be launching this idea on my own -- with a good biz plan -- is a bigger win for me than it normally would be. I am finally working on something that has been a dream for more than a few years, and if it is successful I will own 100% of the company which means decent supplemental income on top of my full-time salary at my current job. I won't have to quit my day job either because most of the website will automate most of the biz. I just need to do some marketing on social media and handle processing of payments through the system -- all of which can be done in the evenings. If it grows too big for me to handle on my own (fingers crossed) then I can hire people to handle those things as needed.

Looking forward to this and so glad the meeting went so well today. I needed it to. :-)

Congratulations on your new venture. I'm sure you are looking forward to get this off the ground and out there for all to see and use.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks Job!

Definitely a lot of work to get this going but feels good to see it becoming real :-)

File under "Weird Things That MLCers Do"

I am not necessarily looking for an answer here -- I know the reason is just "MLC". I want to share this here as an observation and to help others who are baffled by the weird things their MLCers are doing. You/We are not alone -- very little of what they do makes much sense and most of us see stuff like this at various points or throughout the crisis. In many ways everything I am describing below just makes me sad for my exW because I think it is evidence of the turmoil she is feeling inside right now.

FB Unfriending Timeline

1. Through July -- Getting along great, exW even tags me in a couple of posts on her FB page that include pics of the kids at some of their events, occasionally likes some of my pics of the kids

2. August first week -- exW takes family trip with OW and kids to place where her family has a vacation home (this is an annual summer vacation) but only her dad and new stepmom are there -- "all" of the family were supposed to be there but her brothers & their spouses didn't go

3. August -- same week -- her brother and his H split up (I found about about this later but pretty certain exW found out about it when it happened during the week she & OW were on vacation with the kids) -- this is important because she used to tell OW about her bro and his H and describe them as a model couple and this was one reason why she had doubts about she and I as a couple (all of that was part of MLC Replay, but it is important that a couple that she viewed as an ideal couple has suddenly split up with some similarities to what she did to me)

4. August second week -- I take kids and my GF on family trip (my brother and his wife go too), exW posts a bunch of vacation pics on FB from her trip with the kids

5. August third week -- Kids are with exW and are just going to summer daycamp for the week, I find out from one of exW's brothers about the other brother and H separating, I post tons of our vacation pics on FB (either one of us posting vacations pics is not anything new -- we have both done this for years because we both use FB as a way to keep in touch and share life with distant relatives and friends)

6. August fourth week -- Kids with me, school starts

7. August weekend following first week of school -- kids with exW, my GF and I go to my cousin's wedding on Saturday evening, my GF posts pics on wedding night of us at reception - tags me and says "I love this woman"

8. August/September 1st week -- On Wednesday exW unfriends me and all of my family except for two aunts and one cousin on FB

I think it is also important to note that all she did was unfriend me and my family members. I can go back through her FB timeline and see all of the posts and pics in which she tagged me and any of our mutual friends/family. This includes photos of she & I with the kids as a family, photos of just she & I together, and all of the Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary posts that she posted on her timeline over the years that we were both on FB. She has deleted none of this. So she unfriended me, but the history of her feelings for me -- at least what was posted publicly -- is still all there for anyone to see if they scroll through her timeline. BTW -- these posts completely contradict everything she said immediately after BD about never really loving me and never being happy in the R/M. The posts were over-the-top sweet and loving... But anyway, none of those posts matter much now that she's in MLC orbit.

The unfriending action was so completely out-of-the-blue and unexpected. When I reflect on the timeline above I can see clearly that it happened after I posted pics from my family trip and immediately after my GF posted pics of us at the wedding.

Did the posting of these pics trigger something in my exW? Why? How? What does it mean, if anything? Did the separation of her brother and his H trigger something inside of her? Maybe a combination of everything...? Who knows...

I know I will never know the answers to those questions. But I can't help but have some curiosity over why she would do this now after more than a year of remaining friends -- and interacting on FB -- even throughout the worst part of her MLC/Replay and our separation when we could barely even speak to each other. We have been getting along just fine for quite a while now. She often uses a friendly tone in some of her emails and text messages when we are communicating about the kids.

She also did an odd thing this past Friday night. I know that she and OW went to a big concert on Friday night. The artist was their favorite artist -- so much so that this artist's music was one of the key things they bonded over when they started their friendship and their EA. This concert would be one of those events that if you went to it with your SO it would be amazing and special. Both of them love the music, and so many of the songs have special meaning for them as a couple. When I woke up on Saturday morning to get the kids up and ready for soccer I noticed I had an email from my exW -- that she sent at 2:45 am (after they got home from the concert) -- asking me a random Q about one of our kids' choices of afterschool activities. She was going to see me in person in about 6 hours and could have just waited to ask me in person but she had to email me when, or not long after, she got home from the concert? Who does that? It is so weird... Thinking about one of the kids' activities and wanting to email my exW about it would be one of the last things I would think about doing after getting home from a special concert like the one they went to on Friday night.

I also noticed this past weekend that she was very cold and distant when we were all out at the kids' soccer games. She wouldn't look me in the eye and barely spoke to me at the ballpark. ("All" meaning exW, OW, me, my GF, exW's parents.) But later when I went to drop the kids and their stuff off at her house -- by myself -- she was incredibly friendly, making eye contact, and completely different from the behavior at the ballpark.

All of this has happened over the past month... after nearly a year of relatively calm and peaceful behavior from my exW.

MLC is such a mess... I know it's hard on my end, and I am trying very hard to remind myself that what she is probably going through and dealing with inside of her head is so much worse than what I am dealing with. But it is such a mess...

Jer,

There is no rhyme or reason for what the MLCer does or doesn't do. She may have become very resentful and jealous after seeing the photos of the vacation and trust me, they do not like for us to have a great time and have fun. They want us to be as miserable as they are. She also may not have been happy w/the fact that you and the GF were at a wedding together. Even though they don't want us, they don't want anyone else to have us either. Sick isn't it?

I wouldn't worry too much about being unfriended on FB. Right now, she may think she's punishing you because you are doing well and she knows that this action will bother you. Don't let her see you sweat! Also, she doesn't want to be reminded of what she's walked away from.

Continue as you have been, don't allow her behavior to change anything that you are doing. Keep moving forward and being the best you can be. She'll get over her little snit when she sees you aren't reacting to it.

Originally Posted By: job

There is no rhyme or reason for what the MLCer does or doesn't do. She may have become very resentful and jealous after seeing the photos of the vacation and trust me, they do not like for us to have a great time and have fun. They want us to be as miserable as they are. She also may not have been happy w/the fact that you and the GF were at a wedding together. Even though they don't want us, they don't want anyone else to have us either. Sick isn't it?

Yep -- that's what I assumed... Just all part of the MLC craziness... Sick and sad...

Originally Posted By: job

I wouldn't worry too much about being unfriended on FB. Right now, she may think she's punishing you because you are doing well and she knows that this action will bother you. Don't let her see you sweat! Also, she doesn't want to be reminded of what she's walked away from.

Good point Job :-) I didn't think about it in terms of "punishing" me, but that is very likely the way she viewed it. I admit my initial reaction was "WTF?!" and I wanted to ask her why she did it... But fortunately I have learned through all of this and I refrained from even mentioning it to her. I haven't brought it up and I don't intend to. And in all of my interactions since then I have been acting as if I never even noticed it.

No intention of letting her see me sweat.

Originally Posted By: job

Continue as you have been, don't allow her behavior to change anything that you are doing. Keep moving forward and being the best you can be. She'll get over her little snit when she sees you aren't reacting to it.

Exactly.

Honestly, I think she will regret it one day because when (if) she ever comes out of where she is right now she will probably miss being my friend on FB (being able to see my pics of the kids, interacting in a friendly way, etc.) and then she would have to send a new friend request -- which could be awkward. I would certainly welcome the friend request, but I'm not sure she has what it takes inside of herself to send me a request when she realizes that this action was a mistake on her part. Oh MLC...

Reminder to self (and others):

Dating someone during the aftermath of this mess is rarely a good idea. Just ends up with more pain and sadness.

Lesson learned the hard way because I didn't heed the warnings...

Beginning to have moments where I think I may be going through my own MLC... Or maybe it's just ml transition because I don't feel the need for replay behaviors... Just feeling very unsettled, anxious again, and in need of something, but I'm not sure what...

Just booked my first ever solo-vacation to a place where I can get out in nature and do some hiking/exploring for a few days...

Feels good but also selfish and self-indulgent... I know I need it, and I know I need to get over the selfish/self-indulgent feelings so I can enjoy the trip and make the most of the time alone in nature.

Jer,
I don't think you are having a MLC at all. I think what is going on is that you are trying to find your way and are still climbing mountains. You are trying to find your inner self and continue moving forward. It could very well be a life's transition and one that I know you will navigate well because you sound so grounded and level headed.

I think it's wonderful that you are going on a solo vacation and the hiking/exploring will be good for you physically and mentally.

Thanks Job!

Had an IC today that was very helpful... As I mentioned in a previous update, recently split with a GF I was involved with over the past 9 months. The short version is that we are both just in different places in life and want/need different things. There is more to it than that, but this breakup is also helping me realize that I just need/want a whole lot more time alone.

My therapist assured me that it is perfectly okay to just want to be alone and not be in a R with anyone right now. I knew that going in to the IC session, but have been wracked with guilt because I am ending something with someone I love very much -- I just can't give her what she needs. I just wish this wasn't hurting her as much as it is.

To be clear -- I was not looking to date anyone when she and I started seeing each other. We've know each other for over 20 years as friends. The reconnection/dating happened because of our history together.

I now realize that it started during a time when I was still trying to figure out who I was after the D and trying to settle into my new reality as a single mom trying to co-parent with an MLC exW. I now know that I need to be alone for a while to continue sorting through a bunch of stuff inside of myself, to do some soul-searching, to focus on parenting/co-parenting, and to just have the much needed solo downtime to recharge on my weeks without the kids.

Of course, because I got myself into this by allowing the dating situation and the R to develop, and because I am mainly the one calling it off (although she has been hinting at the need to end things for well over a month -- she just never did it and now I'm the bad person who ended it), I now have to deal with the messy consequences. Yes, I should have listened to the vets here on the issue of dating... lesson learned the hard way.

In happier news -- there is also the upcoming solo vacation that I am SO excited about. I can't wait... It's to a place I have always wanted to visit and it will give me plenty of time outdoors where I can be "one" with nature.

As for my exW... still spinning in orbit I believe. I am beginning to see some different dynamics with her and OW, so I don't know if there is trouble in fantasy land or what is going on. But something is different or shifting with the two of them.

As for the interactions between exW and myself, they have been very friendly over the past several months but lately she seems to be cycling more. One day she's friendly and the next day I almost expect "monster" to return. But I haven't seen "monster" in about 8 months and then it was only very briefly over a small incident with a family member. But the cycling I am seeing now also makes me wonder what is going on at the other house.

It really doesn't matter much if there is -- exW is still deep in the middle of the tunnel. My primary concern if there is some trouble brewing between exW and OW is for the kids, which is another reason for me to focus on being the best parent I can be for them right now.

Those moments when it really hurts...

At soccer game when D6 comes to sit on my lap (with exW and OW sitting not far away and when it's exW's week) and says "I miss when you and mommy lived together in the same house..." Because I have no words... I miss that too... And of course the kids miss it because life was good and until the last few months of that life, life was really good and the house was filled with happiness and love for so many years... Before the MLC storm hit and disrupted everything...

I say to her "I know. But everything is going to be okay." And I truly believe that... But inside I think "Yes baby, I miss that too."

It has now been two years since bomb drop...

ExW seems to still be in replay. I have noticed recently though that she tends to be more open and friendly around me when no one else is around, but very standoff-ish when OW is around and this is a very new change in behavior. They met just over two years ago and this week marks the anniversary two years ago when they declared their growing love for one another (via a very long distance online EA) -- which I discovered immediately which resulted in BD for me.

Sometimes she also seems to be back to emotional cycling -- up, down, all over the place... I recognize this behavior in her and know what it is so when I see it I do my best to steer clear and not interact with her unless absolutely necessary.

What I do feel really wonderful about is that this time last year (one year anniversary of BD) I had a significant anxiety attack for a few days. This week -- nothing... AND I am no longer on any meds so to not feel the anxiety now is even more significant.

My recent solo vacation was absolutely amazing... it was so nice to get away for a few days, be alone, and see a part of the country that I have always wanted to visit. I have been needing something like this for two years and I am so glad I finally did it. I did a lot of reading, praying, and lots of walking alone in nature... so perfect.

I also came home from the trip understanding that I do still feel some anger and pain, but I am feeling stronger and more confident that I have the tools and support I need to continue growing through all of this. I do wish that I hadn't gotten involved with my friend because I know that relationship slowed down the process I am going through, but that is just another lesson learned the hard way in all of this.

My time with the kids has been much more enjoyable over the past month now that it's just me and them on my weeks. We have been dealing with some behavior issues with two of the kids, but these issues are also giving my ExW and I the opportunity to work on our communication and cooperation skills with each other -- and in that I have also been able to observe that my ExW is still resistant to accepting responsibility for anything she does and is resistant to anything that might force her to be introspective. (Another clue to me that we are a long way from the end of this crisis.) I do feel like my efforts to deal with the behavior issues are giving me the opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my kids which feels incredibly wonderful. I know this situation hurts them and will always affect them, but if I can build and maintain a strong relationship with each of them then I hope I can lessen the impact at least a little bit.