Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2666184#Post2666184Hello hello!
New thread time and new stuff going on in my sitch. Ironically enough, it has nothing to do with h, but has everything to do with my feelings of doneness/completeness with officially letting go of the old m in the legal sense. I know my options and am just mulling things over. I also suspect that my emotions could falter back and forth a bit as I continue to think things through, but for now... I feel good that I've done what I can and continue to do what I can to learn and live a life of integrity, vulnerability, courage, and love. I'm OK being in this space as life is good and I no longer miss h or have the desire to be with him. I'm sure once I actively pursue the d (or have him actively pursue the d) my feelings of sadness and hurt will likely return, but I'm perfectly content right now.
Few things- as part of my DB goals, I signed up for a triathlon a few months ago. It's next weekend! Eeek! I'm so excited. I also signed up for a class through BerkleyX online... It's a semester length class on the Science of Hapiness. That starts this week. Some students created a Facebook page to go along with the class and I'm part of that group. Awesome quotes, stories, research on the subject. I love it.
It's going to be a busy weekend of training and eating and sleeping and cleaning... But I'm looking forward to it. Did a bike ride and run this morning and will head out to the pool later for laps.
That's it for now. Be well everyone.
Your post is so upbeat, and I'm proud of what you are about to achieve. I'm also so admirative of what you are doing. I can see great things coming your way.
You sound really good. You've got a few things to look forward in the weeks ahead. Next week is going to be super busy and will require your focus to run that race.
I'm glad you are mulling things over and not doing something in a knee jerk fashion. Your feels are going to waffle back and forth for a while...but that's okay...you are human.
Take care, get some rest this weekend and relax a bit.
Greetings!
Wow, this journey.... Eeeesh. I kind of wish I had a psych student following me around for a research study on emotions. I'd make a great case study!
So, I had a nice and very productive weekend, but found myself shedding a few tears over my sitch. To be completely honest, this morning, I woke up at 4 and sobbed until 7ish. Thank god I had my dog to snuggle with me. I think I'm grieving the fact that this really feels over. I guess everyone is right, it is up to the LBS to decide when its done and limbo is over (though I haven't felt in limbo for a while).
Today, when h and I swapped the dog... He seemed a little solemn. There was something so distinct about his demeanor, I think he wanted to tell me something and I watched him kind of twitch twice. You know when you go to say something and then catch yourself.
No mind reading of course, But if he did want to say something, I can only assume it was about the divorce papers as he was going to fill them out about 3 weeks ago. I've been waiting to hear the status of it, but refuse to ask.
So that's it. Definitely feeling the little cloud following me around today. I'm looking forward to going home, working out, and then starting my happiness class. Hopefully, I'll get some shut eye, too.
Best wishes for a great day ahead.
Hi Feyth, I'm sorry you had a rough morning - but it is also good to let the grief out. What I would say is that I think everyone feels their sitch is beyond all hope at some point. Some prove not to be beyond hope in time (lots of time) and I do think ultimately the choice tends to lie with the LBS oftentimes.
Yes it sounds as though something is going on for your H. It may be that he has something to tell you or it may just be something else going on. Time will tell and in the meantime, do keep being awesome. Your happiness class sounds great and I feel happy just reading about it!!
Xx
Feyth,
No mind reading of course, But if he did want to say something, I can only assume it was about the...
Yes, of course. ;p
"you look nice." No if I say that then it might give her hope and I don't know if that's a good idea because I am currently the mayor of crazy town and I'm not sure if I'm going to be reelected.
"You have something on your teeth." No, that's just awkward for both of us...but it's like right there...
"I found God last night" I'm not sure maybe she will make fun of me, and really who is going to believe me when I say I found him in my glovebox anyway?
Soooo many possible topics it could have been.
About hope.
Hope is like a fire. If you let it get out of control it burns down everything around you...including you.
If you keep hope in a little box, and let it out only when you need it, it helps you get through this.
I am sorry for your crying this morning, and that along with a dollar will get you a cup of coffee at McDonalds. By that I mean the sorry is nice and all but doesn't really do much for you.
The papers are his idea, let him drive the car on that issue. I think you are right not to ask.
Thanks for stopping by sotto and jack!
The day ended on a better note and I'm not in the funk that I was in earlier. I was so tired from being up so early that I ate dinner and fell asleep without working out or logging into my class. I must do double duty tomorrow!
Also, I had an interesting conversation with this "hot guy" at work. Even when I was married and had zero interest in him, he kind of made me nervous every time I spoke to him. He's intimidatingly good looking. We were leaving the office late, and he said something about if I wanted to grab a bite. I was too tired to catch on so I said, I'm good... Thanks... Just going to head home. He said, "ok, well we should hang out sometime...maybe next week. Just call me or text me." Not sure what that is about, but the good news is, I got a little tongue tied, and flushed (so embarrassing) while talking with him. He's so dang cute... I'll allow myself to see it and say it now. Why is this good? It means I'm still alive and not consumed by my connection to h. I love having positive and giddy feelings! It makes me feel like myself again. I'm not interested in pursuing anything with this guy, even a friendship, because I don't like to mix biz and pleasure. It's just nice to have the reminder that I'm still human.
Here's what I'm seeing with myself. I've spent the last year working every single day on myself. As many of you know, I started DBing the day before I moved out.
This has been a 100% solo journey since that day and I worked morning noon and night to get myself to a good place. I think I'm good and ready to project that energy outward and invite another person into my life. I think that's why I've been allowing myself to have more interactions with men. I keep checking myself to determine if it's just loneliness, neediness, or anything else to really make sure that I know what I'm doing. Truth is, I don't know what I'm doing but i continue to move further and further ahead. the further I leave h behind, the less I'm interested in that ol' life. I'm just not interested.
Jack, you are right... H could have anything on his mind. my brain always goes to where the most logical direction might be because I knew him so well for so long. I get that there's no logic when dealing with an MLCer, but I've had a hard time accepting it. My h was a stanchion of logical rationality... Until he wasn't (like a lot of MLCers).
Some food for thought from my happiness class...
"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." Dalai Lama
Yep, we do this when we DB (in our role as friendly neighbor). But I can honestly say through this that I haven't actively practiced compassion for h.... Moreso just indifference since he hasn't played a role in my life for so long. I don't know if/ how I can or should change it... But it's an opportunity to look even deeper at the sitch and make changes for myself for the future. While the above is a simple concept, it can really open the door to a new way of thinking if you examine it enough. just wanted to share!
I like the Dalai Lama quote.
It's one that we all should live by, but it takes quite a bit of time to get actually have compassion for our wayward spouses, considering they are so busy burning bridges all over the place...but we all will get there.
Thanks for sharing the quote.
Fortitude.
Ive been thinking about that word over the last 36 hours. What it means..... How I exhibit it... How others exhibit it, etc.
This morning I completed my triathlon! It was not easy. Not at all, but I did it. Part of me was wondering if should go through with it because I have been sick with 100 degree fever for the last 2 days. I wasn't sure if I could or should push it..... But I committed to it and I was not going to let that stop me! I did well. Had I been 100%, I'm sure I could have done better, but I'm still so proud and I had fun out there! There's been a couple physical barriers to this race (sprained my ankle and couldn't train for 6 weeks), but I made sure to not let anything get in my way. Fortitude, right?
So, these physical endeavors have all been a part of my DB goals and GAL plan. During my last two half marathons, which were emotional, I cried over h. I cried for the relationship, I cried that he wasn't there to support me as my best friend, and I cried for him as a person. Today, was emotional too. No tears, but instead the whole 2.5 hours I was able to reflect on how much stronger I am. I know I'm stronger than I think and I know I'll be ok. We'll all be ok. We've got a lot of fortitude running through all our veins, brains, and hearts.
Much love, dbers.
Congratulations on completing your triathalon! Yes, that's fortitude!
Keep up the good work! You are stronger than you think!
Hi Feyth,
Definitely fortitude! Double checked in the dictionary before I wrote it :-)
I continue catching up on reading (it seems MLC section is growing fast - what is going on this year?! Must be some bad constellations or something...) and I want to tell you that I am really happy about where you are now. Of course there will be a lot of back and forth, it's absolutely normal. I always think that if there were not it would mean that I never really loved H. I wish you that you achieve what is the best for you. No matter how things will turn out, you'll be fine! More than fine. You know what they say: time is a healer (I think there was a nice song like that, I should look it up - for "rainy days")!
Keep strong!
Oh, Fabulous Feyth! You, lady, are a rockstar! So, so proud of you. I have a special place in my heart for those who define fortitude. That has got to be a great feeling, pushing past and overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles. But you've done it! Next challenge...moving on. Just remember this on the down days. You can push past anything and come out better than ever. Cheering from the sidelines. Get it!
H@ll ya Feyth!! way to go. I was thinking of you today and was wondering if your race was today or tomorrow. What an inspiration you are! Could you even have imagined doing that a year ago?!? Keep that positive attitude going
Congratulation Feyth, so proud of you. It shows how strong you are.
Well done once more.
(((((Hugs)))))
Thank you all so much! I appreciate the support like you wouldn't believe!
Upon reflecting back on the race, I was prepared and lazer focused. That is one of my strong suits, to be honest. I've always been good at "go time". The water was cold, there was a strong current, I kept swimming and going nowhere! The bike part was tough too, there was one 600 foot elevation gain at a 45* incline. THAT was crazy- my legs were literally on fire and I did this bad boy on my heavy duty mountain bike- equipped with doggy basket rack and bell
. If I do this again, I will use a real bike for sure!
So, what next?!? I want to keep this momentum going. I feel like there is nothing stopping me from these things I've only dreamed of doing. I can honestly, say I wouldn't have accomplished any of it if I was still with h. It's not his thing..... And because it wasn't his thing, I would have allowed it to not be my thing either. As I always say, I know better now!
I've always wanted to hike the kalalau trail on the NaPali coast. It's doable... Only 22 miles round trip, but I need to find a hiker friend to do it with. I don't know anyone! A full Marathon??! Maybe... I'm afraid of blowing out my knees, but might as well try. I appreciated the challenge the tri brought me as I had to spend a lot of time focusing on it- adhering to a training schedule and nutrition plan. I want to keep with it, but I know I could get lazy if I'm not focusing on the goal at hand.
Also, I have the opportunity to go to Uganda with the boys and girls club... That seems interesting. I've been mulling that over, but have to get some funding to go. I halfway looked into becoming an uber driver for some extra $$$. Ahhhhh.... There's also that looming divorce I have to look forward to!
Anyway, just my musings right now. I'll be doing some research tonight after my happiness class to see what my next adventure shall be!
wow feyth... you have some great possible plans. The marathon and hike sound great!... Uganda.. yikes I don't know... but shows you how sheltered I am haha. Truly an inspiration... keep it up!
Well Feyth - you are GALing for sure (looking on in admiration) - get out there, make your plans and live life to the max I say!!!
Looking forward to hearing how things unfold for you (and sensing it will be good...)
Xxx
Thanks Pinn and Sotto for the support. I think I decided that my next venture will indeed be a full marathon in January 2017. I wish there was one a little sooner, but this will work. There's a tri or two I could do, but I'm too chicken to train in the water over the winter.... Brrrrrr.
I must say, there have been some awesome conversations occurring on this board. It is really cool seeing so many people doing the work. There's a lot of introspection and learnings. I continue to learn from each and everyone's situation. Thank you all for courageously sharing.
Not to put too much focus on h.... But I've been thinking about unconditional love (a topic occurring one someone else's thread). I have to say..... I honestly don't know if h loved me unconditionally. Now, It's not an excuse to say, I behaved poorly and he was supposed to love me anyway. I'm not saying that at all. There's just little things that stick out and they may be minor, but they still sting. One- I have a lot of hair. It's long. When I had alopecia from all the stress I was internalizing, my hair was falling out even more. He used to take my hairs and give them back to me for me to throw away. If I was in the bathroom and a hair somehow got on his side of the sink, he would pick it up and put it back on my side of the sink for me to throw away.
Every time this happened, it would make me so angry and it hurt because there was nothing I could do about it, but he made some obnoxious thing about it. Unless I walked around with my hair in a bun all day, there's nothing I could do about it.
Kind of the same thing with the bed. He would only make his side of the bed. I got up before him and left for work.... And there's no way I would make the bed while he was still in it. But I would come home after a long day and there the bed would be- 1/2 made. It would make me so mad, but i thought to myself, why bring it up because he would turn it on me. At this point, I knew better than to stick up for myself because it would be my fault.
Ok- again, just minor examples.... But all those minors turn into majors. One time my nephew stayed with us over the summer and when he got home, he told his mom that he thought h treated me poorly. This got back to my h (because it was his sister who told him) and he turned everything around on his nephew and me. Again, I wasn't strong enough or differentiated enough to say to h, actually yeah, you do treat me like sh!t sometimes. Instead of- thanks for loading the dishwasher, I got- you loaded the dishwasher wrong. Always.....
At the lowest low, in November 2014, I had to work late. As I was leaving the office at 7, I realized that I had a flat tire. I called h, who was too busy to help me out. I remember being so terrified (I was actually terrified) of getting the tire fixed myself because I was afraid of doing wrong in his eyes. I would either not use the right service, or pay too much, or something. Eventually, I got a truck out there to put the donut on, but it took several hours and h didn't help. In hindsight.... I don't remember why, but of course now I think it was an affair! Anyway, I digress.
Clearly, there was some psychological damage with myself for me to be feeling that way and I'm pretty sure I worked through most of it over the last year. Time will tell if it shows up again in another romantic relationship, but I keep it in check. Actually, I'm a little too vocal these days..... Ahhhh just learning to find the balance.
On that token, I have to wonder if i loved h unconditionally. Everytime I perceived him to hurt me, I buried those feelings and built resentment. If i loved him unconditionally, would I have allowed those things to bother me as much as they did?????
Just something for me to think about. Yet, at the same time, I'm done thinking too much about that relationship. I'm in the process of moving forward and looking back doesnt serve me.
Its funny how much we finally see as we create a little distance from our S. All those little (and sometimes big) things that bothered us, so we buried them because its not nice to nag at someone you love. My H had some habits that irritated me and in some cases turned my stomach, but aside from making a face, I let it go without comment. I had commented in the past, but it was ignored so I learned not to bother. I now have no idea how I put up with that. It was almost like he was trying to put me off.
Just like you, there were things he asked me to do or things I did that I never did right in his eyes. Like drive his boat. I didn't grow up around boats so I never got completely comfortable doing it. But he "trained" me to drive his boat and pull him skiing when we lived on a lake...every day. And I always did something not right. So , as soon as I had someone else who could drive him, (I opened the door for this...it was Bubbles when my D25 wasn't around) I quit. Same with skiing. Now I've begun to experiment with skiing to see if I liked it when there was no pressure and I've discovered I do like it and have progressed more than in all the years that I skied with him.
I think looking back does serve a purpose. It is a way of learning from past behavior so that we can grow and move forward. I know in my case, it is helping me to see how I lost my individual self and how I went from an independent fairly happy young person to a codependent older lady who couldn't even answer the question, "what do you want to do?". I will not let my love of someone cause me to lose sight of who I am again.
I'm happy that you've worked through that for most of the year, but I feel personally (I can only speak for myself) that it really is going to have to be an ongoing thing. Practice makes perfect. I'll have to look back to keep my forward momentum because old habits are comfortable when we get lazy, and die very slow, hard deaths.
As for unconditional love? I don't believe in it anymore. Its like Santa Claus and the tooth Fairy. There have to be conditions, aka "boundaries". I can love someone, but since I've learned I can't really control anyone but myself, I have to have certain conditions now. Certain lines I will not allow someone to cross. I guess I'm in self protection mode, but I can't see how losing myself in love will ever be desireable again.
Hi Cil,
Good post. I agree with all you mention. its so crazy how we slowly but surely lost ourselves by wanting/needing/unintentionally conforming to our Hs and their needs/ neuroses/ wants. It blows my mind how these things happen, and until we learn otherwise, it's bound to repeat itself. Very interesting!
Hello- hello,
Hope everyone is having a good week.
Things are going ok in my neck of the woods. Just living it up!
I got two different pieces of news from two of my friends today. One was from a friend who is significantly older than me, and someone who I have confided in about my marriage, etc. She confessed that she "kind of" had an open marriage because she knew her h had cheated on her over a handful of times (successful business man who travels a lot). She didn't like it or support it, but she stayed with him. The first time she found out, he moved out for 9 months and then they got back together... Mostly for the kids. He showed a lot of remorse and that's why she took him back. For the sake of anonymity, I won't share the rest, but she did tell me that through a lot of tough work, she and her h are fully recommitted to eachother. He is all in and dedicated to be honest and loyal. I am so happy for her because i know it's what she wants deep down. I will also confess, there's a part of me that feels.... I don't know..... Jealous? Also, a little hardened.... Like how could she trust him again? Clearly, I'm projecting here.... But her story brought up some emotions.
About 2 hours later, I found out from another friend that her long term boyfriend had cheated on her with multiple women. Again.... It prompted a visceral reaction from myself.
Honestly, both of these stories just kind of punched me in the gut for some reason. The whole cheating thing just is so wrong, disgusting, disappointing, etc. it really bothers me how rampant it is. Ick.
That's all... Just wanted to journal this out. Sorry for lack of substance!
Feyth
This will fade in time ... I was right there4 too. Thing is as you grow and accept what happened happened ... there was nothing we could do about it but what separates us is how we deal with it. This is the same with "Cheating" ... I would first hand see someone married flirting/kissing/leaving with someone and my blood would boil .... over time I realized I am not the one to judge ... not my circus and not my monkeys. I started realizing the emotions were raw for me for the simple fact I was drastically effected by someone cheating on me. Indifference was the destination I wanted to be in not only regarding my spouse, but all things that would hold some sort of power over me due to what happened. This is healing ... its slow and painful but it is necessary for our growth.
Thanks Cali for that perspective. I think you're right.... In time it will fade. The best thing I can do is not place any judgment on it. It shouldn't take up any of my emotions or headspace. All I can do is just be a good friend to both of them. Appreciate you stopping by.
So it's Friday night. It's been a long week. I am officially home on the couch, eating Chinese food, drinking red wine, and watching "He's Just Not That Into You." It's a little cliche, right? Im going to have to have to catch up on my happiness class and then get some sleep. Tomorrow I will go on an 8 mile run to get back on track for marathon training.
So, H is off on a long weekend trip. I have no idea what he's doing or who he is with, but I'm trying really really hard to not let it get to me.
Have a lovely evening DBers.
I hope you are having a lovely weekend and that you really enjoyed your 8 mile run.
I don't have much to add around the cheating, but at the moment I would be more open to my H to be cheating or the open marriage option that calling it quits. I don't see it as defeat, I just believe that the cheating is not a cause of our issues but a symptom. I don't know how far my H and the OW have gone, it might still be an EA (doubt it) but somehow I feel that she is not the issue. Obviously things would be easier without her, but I would ne have the perfect marriage if she was not a part of his life.
Enjoy your run! You are doing amazingly well xxx
So it's Friday night. It's been a long week. I am officially home on the couch, eating Chinese food, drinking red wine, and watching "He's Just Not That Into You." It's a little cliche, right? Im going to have to have to catch up on my happiness class and then get some sleep. Tomorrow I will go on an 8 mile run to get back on track for marathon training.
This movie takes on a whole new meaning for me now. Hope that run went well and the ankle is better. When is the marathon?
Hello- thanks for stopping by Esame and Pinn.
Pinn, the marathon is next month. Too soon, but I'm ok with walking some of it. I'm doing it so soon because of the location. It's a special place for me and I have to travel there so I am turning it into a birthday trip, too!
The local marathon that I was going to run isn't until January and I don't want to wait that long.
Last night I went out with a girlfriend for a nice dinner. We get along so great because she's also into spirituality and together we are able to share our perspectives about the various approaches to life. It always fills me up when we get together. One of the things we mused over was the fact that through this journey, I've learned a lot about marriage and how there's no "one size fits all." I actually believe that infidelity is more prevalent than fidelity. I really do. I don't say that in a judgemental way..... Moreso in disappointment for what I still believe marriage "should" be. I guess it's like learning that Santa Clause and the Toothfairy aren't real!
Hi there,
Just checking in to journal for a minute. Looks like h and I are going to have another divorce/logistics chat on Friday. I have this brick on my chest that just won't subside. Deep breaths. I'll get through it.
Just wish it still didn't affect me.
Ugh sorry feyth. Just think about how far you have come. Vent away here to maybe get somethings off your chest.
Sorry things are progressing faster than you would have liked Feyth. I don't know what to advice you, before my H's big lecture on everything that ever went wrong in our R I was planning to kick him out if he didn't agree to some sort of trying or putting some effort in our future. When he said he was done, I asked him to leave, but could not handle it so told him that he doesn't have to go (he stays elsewhere five days a week and only visits us for the weekend though) and that I will not give him a divorce for at least 1-2 years. Only because like you, I felt like there where stones crushing my chest. I don't know if I actually bought myself any time, I'm in some sort of denial (I call it my weird place) and probably not the best person to offer advice. Just wanted to say that we are here for you, and that I'm looking forward to hearing about your race next week.
Thank you Pinn and Esame! It's just feel sick still. I worked really hard and every aspect of my life has improved as a result of this event, but h has never once ever steered from his path. He may be one of those people that MWD mentions in her book- once they close the door, it's closed for good. Nothing is going to pry it open.
I can't be greedy because everything else is great. I guess I would have just liked an opportunity to even see if we could do things differently.
However, I also know with certainty, had he come back, I still would have bore the weight of our marriage ending. He hadn't/ hasn't done the work to acknowledge his side in it. It's perfectly natural to throw out ultimatums to get your way, right?!? Had we tried again, It probably wouldn't have lasted. Also, knowing that I would never ever go back to the r we once had, I'm not certain I would still fit with him with this new lens that I see the world in.
Not saying I'm this perfect catch..... But I'm certainly no where near the same person I was when he left me.
Feyth,
Your h may be the type that you won't see anything happening until much later on. The work is being done internally and unfortunately, we don't always get an opportunity to see the work in progress. Until his crisis is over, you may not get a glimpse of the "finished product". He may very well be like my xh and remain stuck...no one knows for sure what will happen.
You've come a long way and have grown by leaps and bounds. I would suggest that you continue as you have been and if you want to leave the door ajar, that's okay. This crisis leaves all of us changed. No one remains the same once the dust settles. We, the lbs, take our rose colored glasses off and see the world differently and we, like the MLCers, are not the same. So, if you do reconcile, it will be a new relationship, starting out as friendship because you both will have changed in many ways.
You are the prize and never forget that. I do hope that one day soon he wakes up realizes what he is losing.
Thank you so much for stopping by Job. I appreciate you sharing your expertise on MLC and relationships in general. I know you've probably seen it all while on these boards!
As of right now, I have a sense of fear. I know the time is coming closer to stand my ground and from the little steps we've (he's) taken towards the D, there's potential for it to get ugly. It's just been boiling under the surface.
So, we all know what fear is- Future events already ready or false evidence appearing real.... But I can't deny that I'm scared. Im stronger than when I got here, but sooner or later it will be time to face the music. Ugh... Just ready to get this over with.
He filed yesterday.
What do I do?
He hasn't told me. It showed up on the court records site. I had a feeling to check it and there was my name.
Part of me wants to text him and say something.... But I don't know what that something is.
What do I do?
Feyth,
If you haven't retained a lawyer, I would suggest you start looking around for one. Start out w/those who offer a free consultation and go from there.
I would sit quietly and wait. I know you would like to say something, but it's best to do what you need to do and quickly w/o him knowing about it at this time. Get your ducks in a row and don't let him see you sweat!
Most importantly....breathe!
Ugh... I'm so sorry feyth. This news actually made my angry... I felt it. I wish I could give you some advice. You will get through this ((feyth))
Don't panic. It does feel like a punch in the gut, even when you kind of know its going to happen.
Interview Ls through free consultation. I went with one who charged a flat fee after asking each L how much a D "experience" costs on average. Its becoming more common. Her flat fee actually saved me money and allowed me to not worry about how often I emailed or called with questions and concerns. I did that a lot.
Prepare, then sit and wait...see what moves are made. A good L will set your mind at ease.
This whole thing really bites, but you are strong. You can get through this. You can even DB during and, if you wish, after. Sometimes this is something that they feel they need to do and may have interesting consequences that you couldn't even imagine. I even have two people I've worked with who have been D and then remarried their exes two years later. One after a major affair. Both are still with their Hs. Crazy stuff, but interesting all the same.
Just protect yourself, you are worth it. Let your H do his thing. You have been doing a great job of focusing on you. Keep it up!
Deep breaths are in order. Thank you all. I've been sitting and journaling things out for the last three hours. Had to leave work when I found out because I just couldn't concentrate.
It's hard to see the Mr. Feyth vs. Feyth court case headline. I worked so hard to clean up my side of the street and keep the road back to our m as smooth as possible. This has been steady and consistent work since before June 2015. So to see the "him" vs "me" thing is just crushing. I know this is what divorce is.... Believe me, I'm well aware, but I'm now thinking... Wow, life was so bad that now you have to take legal action against me. Divorce is serious! Ive never even had a speeding ticket and now I have a court case..... Against me! Such a blow to the heart.
Well, he may just have me served tomorrow when we talk. I won't mention anything about knowing this was coming, and I'll be still. I will try really really really hard to not let me emotions show.
I met with lawyers back in January and will be submitting the retainer paper work for one tomorrow morning..the L knows it's coming.
Ok... I'm thinking a lot.
I guess the silver lining is the fact that I found out that he officially filed before telling me. So with that, I can at least be prepared for tomorrow.
I would like some advice, though. If you were me, what would you say? I'm trying to think of the right approach. I could do a complete 180 and be a jerk and say, "mazel tov, you have finally found what will make you happy!!!" Or........ Something a little more DB appropriate
. I'm just not sure how I should show up. What do you think?
Feyth - If he doesn't mention it, I wouldn't either. I think it's best to do the legwork behind the scenes as Job advised. Take care of your interests in this matter.
If he does bring it up? My advice? Try not to communicate from a place of hurt. I know this is hard to do given the circumstances. But when we do, all that happens is we hurt someone back to ease our own pain. It doesn't solve anything.
Whatever you decide, we're all here to support you. Look at how far you have already come.
I'm so sorry Feyth, I can only imagine what you are going through. Keep your head up as you have done everything to be proud off and you have become a beautiful human being.
Thinking of you
I'm sorry Feyth. When you talk to H, I wouldn't let him know what you know. If he tells you he has filed, aim for grace. Let him know you are sorry to hear that and D isn't what you want. But if it his choice, you won't stand in his way. Aim to avoid any larger discussion about whys etc.
It's good you have a L ready & can calmly move forward from here with due support.
You have come a long way already & will also get through this Sweetie xx
Thinking of you today, Feyth. I like and agree with what Sotto said.
"Aim for grace."
That is a great guiding philosophy in this situation, as well as in life.
Feyth,
I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Gosh, thank you all so much.
I've decided that I'm going to approach this from a place of compassion. It must have been a really hard decision to make and Im just going to have to trust that he thought long and hard about it. There's been enough time and space between us for him to truly evaluate and determine if his was life was better (and I use "better" loosely) with me in it or better without me in it. That really is all that's left to evaluate as we don't interact or share a life together.
Feyth,
I've been reading your thread over the summer and it's so inspiring how far you've come and how strong you've become (physically and mentally). You've given me strength to persevere. Thank you!
I want to chime in about the actual papers. In my case, my XH filed, and when I received those papers, even though I knew they were coming and had been on my own for quite awhile it still crushed me. I read what you wrote about "vs" and I had felt the exact same thing, even though this person was not someone I should grow old with, etc. Once I got through the formalities and signing and stuff, I was able to regroup and get back to self. I feel that you will do the same! I also signed a quit claim on the house which sounds like that might be in your future too-- also painful, but it all worked out.
Gosh, thank you all so much.
I've decided that I'm going to approach this from a place of compassion. It must have been a really hard decision to make and Im just going to have to trust that he thought long and hard about it. There's been enough time and space between us for him to truly evaluate and determine if his was life was better (and I use "better" loosely) with me in it or better without me in it. That really is all that's left to evaluate as we don't interact or share a life together.
Its typically not this ... This entire crisis I get a very strange image. Its like the MLCr is on the free way that has all these obstacles in the way, us, work, friends... these things are in the way of them getting to "Happiness Ave" so systematically they blow these things up knowing that this will make me happy .. ok now this .. now this ... They have to blow it all up and once its all out of the way then they can not quite understand why the Happy Feelz are not washing over them like they had fantasized.
They will put on the face and in an ironic twist fake it till they make it, some may realize that this is just how it is ((To much damage done no turning back types) ... others may actually start evaluating themselves and realize what a mess they made and start doing the work. SOme may just continue their pursuit and look for things that fit.
Personally my STBX has done all and reverted back into the tunnel a bit still blowing things up. She too filed and its a gut punch regardless if you were prepared and in my case its actually for the best allowing me to pursue some goals I had set forth some time ago.
Just remember to monitor your stress and take care of yourself through the process.
Feyth - I am echoing Cali.
You are thinking like a logical person because, well, you are! People with their heads screwed on tight make big decisions in a calculated, well thought out fashion!
The MLCer/someone in depression is not capable of this kind of logical thinking. I suggest you read 2T's most recent conversation with her h. He says he needs the divorce for closure and then minutes later says it's not definite he wants to divorce. A logical person would be able to say: "hmm, I am not really sure what I am doing here and it's a big decision. I better figure myself out."
Because you have limited contact and you've given him space and time, you are giving him waaaaay too much credit. He is still lost. 1 year 4 mos. post BD into this there is no way he can know what is going on. I promise you this as I live with an MLCer; mine is 2 years post BD and still lost.
As crazy as this sounds, you can't take this personally. I know it is a D, but he's lost right now. Cali is right. They blow up everything around them up almost like playing whack-a-mole, hoping the next thing will ease their pain and/or make them happy. I have watched my h do it. You can see it in everyone's threads where they have some contact with the spouse, right?
Take care of you. We are all supporting you.
Thanks Cali,
I actually agree with you on the MLC journey chaos. Like the MLCer wears the mask, I'm too am going to wear a mask and pretend that he made a conscious decision. In his mind, however warped it may be, he made the decision that he thinks is best for him. We're all entitled to our own journey as is he. That's truly the only way I can get through it. Kind of like- lets pretend he has an illness and just have compassion for the guy. No more cheeseless tunnels for me. Plus it's another level on that "test of humility" for myself. Thank you for stopping by, Cali. My hugs to you.
Altair, nice to hear from you! I look forward to catching up on your thread. When I lost all hope (I mean all hope) I followed my DB coach's advice to help me find the things that make me come alive. It's been a marvelous assignment that I follow every day. I've become a much softer and spirited person as a result. Plus I'm much more giving- for my GAL I have a charity luncheon today with some of my state's Supreme Court justices, a breast cancer awareness fundraiser tomorrow, and another charity function Monday night with some pro NFL players. I really enjoy giving back- I guess since I'm not giving anything to a partner....... Might as well. Plus it keeps me social! I'm sorry you are on this journey as well, Altair.
T- minus 6 hours before the big talk. I'm ok-ish right now, but still scared.
HaWho,
Thanks for your post! It's true, because I have very limited contact, I don't necessarily see the crazy town that h has potential to be in. Only slight glimpses and I'm sure it isn't fun. I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few months and I'm scared about now having to interact over the d. I liked it when it was just me happily dealing with my Chit, it's like opening up an old wound.
Thanks again for stopping by... It's just kicking up some dust that I've carefully tampered down and been managing.
Gosh, you all are amazing. Thank you for the support. It means so freaking much..... NOBODY in my real life circle gets any of this.
Just one more comment-
Hawho you are right, I am thinking like a logical person....
Here's where I'm trying to challenge myself. By me going illogical (i.e.: forcing myself to believe he's being deliberate and aware of his decisions) is actually helping me to do different/ be different. If that makes sense at all. This is what I was thinking about all night long. What do I need I order to get through this?
Anyway.I'm a little off my rocker right now...ha ha the mind of the LBS just might be as loco!
Hey Feyth, just joined the MLC board and I've been catching up in your thread. Wow, you really blow my mind with all your GAL activities you are an inspiration! I've been thinking I would quite like to do a half marathon one day... Mmmm...
I'm sorry that your H has decided to file. I know you were kind of expecting it but i can imagine it was a real punch in the gut especially when you found out he filed even before your talk. I wonder if he realised in his foggy MLC head that you can do that!!!
I've been dark with my H for two weeks now and I'm starting to get that feeling you spoke about previously like another bomb is about to drop. I know this isn't huge but I think he might ask to retrieve the rest of his belongings seeing as he still has a wardrobe full of clothes in the marital home. If he does ask then I am going to make him sort out all his stuff in the garage and loft as well. He has so much junk I think I might be looking forward to a good clear out!
Good luck with the talk. Just remember how far you have come....
Ok, I'm here. I'm ok. I've been served so the clock is ticking. I hear everything that everyone says, the whole MLC concept is so assanine and I can't believe that nothing can be done to fix this. It's almost as if you all told me repeatedly that the tooth fairy is real. I nod my head listening in agreement and trying to understand all your reasons and justifications about the tooth fairy, but deep down inside I need to see it to believe it. Well, I saw a good glimpse tonight.
I do not believe I'm going to be able to bust this D. I think this is what he needs and there's nothing I can do to stop it. For the last couple months, I wasn't even sure that an R is something I'd be interested in and I'm stil not sure. I just have to know that I did everything humanly possible to try and i feel like I've just about expended all options. However, I know that there's a tiny bit of something still there. I'm not completely tapped out.
I knew I was going to get served because his friend was there. I knew it. He played it off very well as if it was accidental. Kind of like the opportunity to serve me just presented itself.
Very minor r talks. He has a lot of resentment towards me, he never ever wanted this d, and he tried as hard as he could to make it work. I wasn't the partner he needed. I only started to come around after he was already done. Here's the thing with that.... Our dynamic was outlined perfectly in DR. In his efforts to share his feelings, I kept taking them as complaints. It escalated so much that I became paralyzed out of fear of doing something wrong and have him complain even more! He also doesn't realize that ultimatums don't work- all it does is push your spouse further away. That exactly happened with us. He gave me the kid ultimatum and I withdrew. He also said i haven't owned any of the downfall of our marriage because I keep telling him that he's the one who wants the divorce. (It's so exhausting hearing this!!!!!) I didn't try to refute any of the spew, but I listened and nodded. Wasn't really sure how to validate.
Then the childhood stuff came out (how he had to deal with his mom showing affection or lack thereof, how his bro died so he now looks at a bad day and a good day differently than I do) Then the death stuff came out. Then the stuff with his aging body. Poor guy has to be in a lot of hurt. I did get a glimpse of the sadness. I do believe it's there.
He told me that he's been moping around for 18 months. He's not seeing anyone and no one is moving in (why would he say that?). I don't believe the not seeing anyone.
At the end of it all, I did get to make the comment that I wanted to make. About how we've had enough time and space to assess the situation. I told him I know he had to make the difficult decision and I trust that he made the decision knowing that his life was better without me than with me. At that moment, he cried. I said, we both had to look at our lives and evaluate... We'll both be ok. He said, yeah we'll both land on our feet.
Ok, so the convo was all over the place. Im so sad to say that I don't trust him so I am going to make sure my lawyer looks at the paper work in depth. I know that if I don't align with him, I'm going to be the monster. There's no way out of it. It's a lose lose lose.
Lastly, I was a tiny bit sneaky. I made sure I looked smoking hot today. Hair was great, makeup was flawless, I wore a sexy dress that accentuates my curves.... It's a good dress. An attention getting dress because of the amazing fit, but it's very modest. Covered it up with a blazer for work, but took it off when we sat to talk. Even had the spanx on!!! Ha! I just wanted to leave an impression on his mind. I have no idea if he noticed.
So that's that. I have 30 days to respond and depending on how that goes.... The finish line will slowly be coming into view.
Feyth,
I'm near you and on your time, so I'm merely first...
I think you did great. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain about this. Hugs to you for making through the worst of days. You will get through this!! I can see how strong you are through all of your amazing writing.
As Altair says Feyth big hug for getting through that talk without falling apart. I think I would have been shivering in a corner of the room if that was me.
However it looks like all your hard work has paid off and you took that with the dignity of someone who reslises she has done all she can. And as far as how you looked, I expect his 23 year old friend is scratching his head in amazement at what he is throwing away!
Feyth, I watch on in admiration and I'm so sorry your H decided to file. I think you will look back on that difficult conversation in years to come and feel at peace with how you handled things. I also know from all that you post, that ultimately you will be fine.
Take care of yourself in the next little period of time and keep posting xx
Feyth, you did an amazing job with keeping it together during an excruciating (I'm sure) meeting.
Of course he noticed how you looked. That will be replaying in his mind when he looks back at this. I'm starting to think that the reason we are supposed to look our best, validate, and be "light and bright" whenever we see our H (even at times like this) is that they will begin to remember this version of us rather than the negative version they have fixated on. Who knows.
You are rocking this. It hurts, but you are the amazing one here. You are growing stronger and learning through this process. He is just...sad and desperate. Just keep swimming, you'll get there. Wherever there is, it will be what you want it to be and on your terms.
You should unbelievable strength Feyth with all of that. I cannot even imagine. I have no doubt you will come out of this a stronger and better person no matter what the outcome is. Would you have thought of yourself doing tri's and marathons 3 years ago?!?
Oh and btw, I can promise you that he took notice of how you looked in that dress ;-).
Please everyone accept my appreciation for all of your kind, logical, and thoughtful responses. How do people go through this experience without having the support that this forum provides?
I'm pretty even keel today. No tears.
Early this morning, I did a fundraiser with a girlfriend that I've known since I was 5. It was very uplifting. We supported a great cause and I was thankful for the distraction. My girlfriend gave me a good observation. While she knows I'm devastated about the d, she did say that it was nice to have the old Feyth back. She definitely noticed that I lost myself in the marriage. She said it wasn't a drastic difference, I just lost my funny and carefree personality. She even shared with her husband several years ago that she hoped I was truly happy because I wasn't myself and didnt necessarily seem happy. She told me today that she definitely sees a difference and sees me as being back and better than ever.
That was really nice to hear.
I got up so early and I have a bit of a headache so I've literally been lounging all day. I love the fact that stupid tv actually makes me Laugh out loud....finding silly things humorous is another welcome reintroduction to my life.
I've been thinking about the sitch and I think I feel lighter today. I don't have the fear and angst over getting the news that he filed and I was going to get served. It's over. It happened. I can stop worrying about it. It's a bit of a relief actually. Also, I feel like I can give myself permission to close the door and lock it. (Not just yet, but soon). I can't see any last ditch hail Mary's being passed from me.
So, that's it. Again, thank you all. It does feel nice to know I'm not alone in all this.
Happy Sunday/Monday!
Just checking in here to journal a bit. I've admittedly been reading on MLC alllllll morning and afternoon to get perspective on where his head may be at. I know, I know...my attempts at guessing are futile and pointless, but I think it's something that I need right now.
A couple things- a few weeks ago he mentioned moving away with a friend to a specific location and during our convo 2 days ago he mentioned moving back home to where his family is. I know he doesn't know WHAT he wants and maybe plan A fell through, but it is interesting to think he may go back to his childhood home... Even if it's a fleeting feeling for him. He hated it back there.Always complained about his family. According to him, they were horrible people and he dismissed many of them throughout the years.
Of course I'll never know what's going through his head and heart, but I wonder if he's wanting to reconnect or if he misses family in general. The only family he had here was my family. They accepted him, accommodated him, and welcomed him in with open arms. They felt the loss of his exit and were extremely sad to learn we were no longer together. Technically, he's been without family for almost 2 years now.
The other thing he mentioned during the convo was how he didn't expect the papers to get filed the day he filled them out. He made a comment about how he wasn't sure about filing that day, but the office encouraged it. What I got from it was there was a very brief hesitation about filing right then and there, but he thought it was best to help us both move forward so he did it.
Honestly, I don't know if I'm looking for a needle in a haystack here..... It's just clear that he doesn't know what he's doing and I have no idea if any of that uncertainty lies in me or the marriage.
Any thoughts or observations as an outsider looking in?
As you are already aware, they don't know which end is up and their minds change very quickly. I know you need to understand what is going on, but you are definitely searching for a needle in the haystack. We all have been right where you are and can understand the "need to know/understand".
About him moving back home, he needs to go back to where it all began and if that means moving back there, then he'll do it. It also means reconnecting w/the people he complained about. What you will find interesting, when he moves back, he will think that they are all great and what he disliked before has been thrown out the window. It's their way of trying to relive their past lives and yes, back to the time whereby they were stunted emotionally. It's very sad, but they have to do this to better understand themselves and also to find themselves.
For now, I would try to keep my anxiety level on low. What he's doing is very normal for someone in MLC. I would continue to try to focus on yourself and keep moving forward. Right now, he's exploring a world from his past and no one knows what he'll discover while there. We can only hope that he finds his answers and begins to grow up and want to return home to his family.
Hang in there!
I don't think anyone can tell what he is thinking, including himself.
Feyth I wish was there was some magic answer, but there can be no insight or observations or breakthrough really. In my case my H is supposedly honest with me now about what he wants and how he's been feeling. Apparently he is "done", he never loved me, he needs to find himself etc etc. Who knows how much of that is true. If he never loved me he sure went to great lengths to show love for 16 years, so that makes him what? A liar? A sociopath? Who knows. I gave up trying to understand what goes on in his head. I'm not where I should be in relation to detachment or GAL, but I know that I cannot believe a word he says, because he doesn't know what's going on in his own head anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is go with the trusted "believe nothing he says and half of what he does" motto, and just look after yourself xxx
Feyth, it's so difficult, isn't it. I, too, am wrestling with the notion of trying to understand and knowing that it's impossible to understand the irrational.
I guess for me what makes it so hard is that my MLC'er was once so rational. He was thoughtful and seemed to thoroughly think through the consequences of his actions. But now? Well, he tells me he is thinking things through, but his decisions are so self-centered and selfish it is difficult to understand.
Hang in there!
Thanks for your input job, esame, and fight. I AM searching for something (aka answers) as if there was something I can do about our looming divorce. It's so surreal to me.
I had a blast tonight.... To be honest this posting may a little bit beer induced, but I'm so happy and had a great night. It was a bowling charity event with some NFL players. Didn't think about my sitch once. As always, a welcome reprieve.
However, I did think about it for most of the day prior to my event this evening..... I'm so freaking scared of standing my ground with him. Let's be real, he's in MLC so he made me a rediculous (I mean rediculous) offer that equates to less than 2% of our assets. I'm kind of afraid of saying anything further, but no matter what, there will be a fight even if I'm fighting for equality and not a dime more. It freaks me out. I know he's going to think I'm a nasty person for opposing him at all ( kind of how it was for the whole marriage ). Regardless, I don't want the fight but I have to stand up for myself regardless if it's going to make him angry. Ugh.... I hate this. Why do people get divorced? This is so awful!
Hi Feyth, the early formula I came up with was we take our total assets. Then we each take what we came in with and we split the rest 50/50. XH suggested various things and I used to get anxious whenever I stood up for my own interests.
However, in my mind I also felt I didn't want to get cheated on and screwed over in a settlement. So I quietly stood my ground, worked through my L and ours was a low conflict and polite D.
Glad you had a good time at the bowling Sweetie xx
Hey Feyth.
2% of your assets? Unbelievable. Except during D. Sitting through mediation and getting each proposal brought in from the "other side" was infuriating. I kept thinking, "who is this guy?" and remembering I actually was head over heels in love with him, and at one point actually trusted him with my life.
I'm glad you had a fun time bowling. GAL, GAL, GAL. It will make this so much easier.
I'm still cycling, searching for reasons, analyzing every detail. I keep getting new info or stories from people about H (now and in the past) that cause me to see something differently. Its getting easier, but still, as you said, very surreal. We just don't get to control any of it; only how we react to it.
Feyth,
I'm not being forced through a D but Mediated Separation instead.
One appointment so far and already my W is saying I'm being unfair, she has a very strange idea of what equates to 50/50! To avoid getting too emotionally involved I'm going to engage my L & obtain an objective perspective on what the split of assets/custody should be. Then if my W says I'm "trying to screw her over!" or I'm being bitter/nasty about the separation, my proposal will actually be the L's recommendation; don't know if you can do the same to try and remove yourself from H's firing line?
Nice to hear you're still having some fun times during all this.
On the D/Mediation front I think the thing that makes me grin the most is "Amicable" which I have learned means the MLCr gets their way.
Nothing wrong with standing your ground, in my sitch I did not want D, she finally filed as I would most likely never would never have done it. So now that she has .. that's fine ... enter the DB "Im sorry you feel this way D is not want I want". However if this is what she wants there is a price that comes with it, call it reality but it is what it is. Any dollar I leave on the table in my mind is a dollar I just gave away on my sons behalf. Even if I did not have kids I would be rewarding her, her MLC and the bad behavior that came with it .... Its not bitter, its business at this point.
Hello,
Just a quick check in. I appreciate all your posts and insights so much. I really want to return the favor, but I'm needing some selfish time to process things. I'm having a hard time keeping up on threads.
I did have a good laugh at your comment, Cali. Yes, absolutely! Amicable is amicable only if we concede to what they want. Eeeesh.
My GAL is on steroids for the next two weeks and I need to find some time to continue to train for my marathon and still get my d paper work in order. It blows my mind how quick my lawyer is. Holy smokes. Its moving soooooo fast.
Think about h a lot. I wonder if there's any part of him that is second guessing this. Doesn't do me any good.... But I wish I knew.
That's all for now. Be well.
Hello! Happy Sunday/ Monday!
Just got back from a whirlwind trip to the desert for a lantern festival. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen- tens of thousands of lanterns floating up into the sky filled with notes of prayers and wishes. Breathtaking experience.
I dedicated one of my lanterns to letting go.... AKA... It was dedicated to h. I wrote him a love note on the outside of the lantern with the intention of letting him go for good. Letting those thoughts and prayers rise up into the heavens and trusting that I'm going to be ok. I am ok. I can let this go.
Well, after some prayers and meditation... I was finally ready to set that lantern free. I placed it over the torch, let it fill with hot air, and as I felt the tug of it getting ready to soar, i took a deep breath, and with tears in my eyes, I let him go.
As soon as it escaped my fingers, the whole lantern caught fire and came crashing down in a fiery ball of flames!
I ended up having to chase after the very thing that I had just dedicated to letting go. I ran over it to stomp out the flames and as I did, I looked up at the sky and while laughing, yelled, "but I don't know what this means!!!!!!"
Life is so freaking crazy and awesome and beautiful sometimes.
wow... imagine that haha. That figures!
Ha Ha! I know, right?! It's comical really. My girlfriend watched the whole thing and said, " woah... That's and sign if I ever saw one." Either it's not time to completely let go or the heavens would not accept my well wishes for him. Haha.
Anyway.... All is well. Had a really good dog swap yesterday and h was really really pleasant. Had a tiny bit of small talk and he even poked fun of me for something in a playful way. I'm not reading anything into it AT ALL.
Feyth such a beautiful experience, and so funny too! I laughed loud imagining you running after a flaming lantern.
All jokes aside though, those things don't really shout out "health and safety guaranteed" do they?
Thanks esame! You are right..... Not the safest of activities!
Ackkkk- h is on my mind a lot for a few reasons. Thought I would come here to vent for a bit.
First- my one year anniversary on this board is tomorrow! I started lurking in August 2015 and finally signed up. I was ready to reach out. It also happens to be my birthday. I felt like I really needed this place after I celebrated my first birthday without h in my life... He always made it special.
3 years ago on my 30th, my h threw me a massive surprise party. I had no idea and I never felt so loved in my whole life.
2 years ago on my 31st, it was the last time my h told me he loved me. It was also the last kiss we would ever have. The very next day, he told me "I wasn't kidding when I said what I said.... If we weren't pregnant in 2 months, there was no point in being married"
It killed me. Utterly killed me. This was really happening... He was making good on his ultimatum.
.....and last year was the first year without him. 4 days later on 10/16, he would tell me that he was dating. He needed to put himself out there because his friends weren't cutting it.
Here I am now. Life is good. Just missing my husband.... But at this point, it's more missing the "idea" of a husband.
I worked really hard at DBing this last year. I didn't do anything to make our situation worse, and yet I also wonder if I could have done something to make it better. I was so stringent on following the LRT, I wonder if I've missed anything or could have done something different. Sigh.
OK-back to now- the present moment- Today, h really irked me. Grrrrr. (This is all me, btw, just making stuff up). He texted to say "hey have a good birthday tomorrow. Just confirming xxxxxxx for dog."
here's why I'm irked-We've discussed these dog plans a minimum of 3 times. I'm going out of town and he knows exactly what I'm doing.
Why would he bring it up again? And why would he just throw the bday in there . Which by the way, is a lame happy bday wish. I would have preferred him not say anything. Why even bring up that he knows it's my bday?Seriously.... I'm waaaay overly nit-picking this.... But something is off about it and it bothers me! I don't want to over analyze a stupid "nothing" text, but I have. I haven't yet responded
Before that text, my team threw me an awesome surprise party. I am so appreciative of them! Sometimes I feel like I'm "the devil wears prada" boss to them because I work them really hard.... But I try to treat them well. I even meditate with them to help us all remain centered! Anyway, it was nice to be appreciated.
Haha- emotions all over the place today.
Ok... venting done. Thanks for reading.
Wow there is a lot of information in that post Feyth, I don't know where to start girl!
Firstly, happy birthday! I wish you all the best sweetie, you are worth it!
I know what you mean about missing the idea of a husband, I was thinking the other day that I'm not sure if I loved H or the idea of H. What if he didn't change, but I had a different version of him in my head?
I don't know if there is anything more you or anyone else could have done, sometime I wonder if it even matters. I know it's hard to not overanalyse, but no useful information can come out of it, so maybe it is a waste of your time?
Good on your team! You must be proud of them xxx
Esame,
Thanks for popping in! I'm right there with you on the "I'm not sure if I loved him or the idea of him." I definitely did think that I truly did love him....and now there's just so much time and distance between us that i think my memories are starting to get distorted.
Someone gave me a piece of info the other day and I'm not really sure how to take it. I was told that h is miserable and has had some of our old friends rally around him to support him. They all think that I'm the bad person because I'm flaunting how happy I am and how I've moved on so quickly(????) (That's it in a nutshell)
So, yeah, I've been GALing like crazy the last year and my life is on an entirely different trajectory. I learned to really live life and have had so many doors open up for me. But now, I'm a bad person for living my life while my stbxh is suffering?? He was the one who exited the marriage because he wanted to be happy and have fun. he has shared with me that he hasn't been happy, but I'm so baffled by how our situation has been given new legs and reignited with me as the bad person.
Anybody have any thoughts on this? Should I have done something different? Is this par for the course? I'm not going to change, but I can't believe that this has become a "thing." What should I be doing now?
I've been sitting on this for a few days and just been scratching my head. I can't say that I've been Intentionally flaunting anything. I wonder if it's inferences from facebook or just the rumor mill? so confused.
Hey Feyth,
Funny you post that bunny situation was kind of similar. When WW and I first started talking she would be like I know you are loving this... having the upper hand. I was like... say what?? Turns out she was miserable and I was the one who was doing great... crazy how that could even be the case right? I mean we gave them exactly what they want right? I think them being miserable and realizing that we are not the source of their unhappiness is a huge huge step.
I did not flaunt it openly either... but they find out. WW admitted that she would go out of her way to check in on me. It's crazy!
Keep on keeping in
Feyth keep on GALing and don't worry about what your stbxh or his friends think! I'm sorry but was he worried while he put you through hell for the last year and a half? you did not cause this, you tried your hardest to save your marriage, whatever happens next is up to him not you. Not your circus, not your monkeys as the expression goes...
Happy(late) birthday, Feyth! Yeah, keep up the amazing GAL. You let him deal with his decisions while you make lemonade, lemon bars, lemon chiffon pie, and lemon-frikkin-cello out of those lemons he rolled your way. As Esame said, not your circus...
I keep thinking of my H saying that he wasn't going to do a happy dance when our D was final, but that he made me miserable and it was our best chance for us both being happy. Catch 22 much? I GAL and get happy all by myself, I prove him right. I waste away in misery to prove him wrong,...well, then I'm right, he's wrong, and I'm miserable. So, we just have to not care who's right or wrong, get happy, and leave him to eating peanuts and throwing pooh with his monkey friends.
You have a right to be happy and he has the right to hit bottom. If he ever decides to turn to you, you can make the decision that is best for you on whether to piece that R together again. Til then, his monkeys can have his back.
Hi Feyth, I'm going to chime in with the others here and say - don't worry about that. If he chooses to exit the M, that's up to him. If you choose to pick yourself up and move forward, that's up to you. And that's just what you have done.
I can recall my XH XW1 (!) saying he was having a real pity party a year or so after we S. She said she had no sympathy for him as she knew exactly what had happened...
Just keep the focus on you and your own plans, and leave him/them to it.
Great to hear about your GAL, and I have much respect for your handling of things xx
Pinn, Esame, Ciluzen and Sotto,
Thanks for your comments and feedback. I appreciate each and every one of you!
Is it bad that I secretly hope he may be hitting rock bottom? I don't want him to suffer, I just want him to wake up! I don't see how he can face his issues when people are coming to his rescue and coddling him and pointing their fingers at me, too. Sometimes I feel like this is the twilight zone.
I'm going to keep living life and having fun. Ciluzen, I LOLd with the image of him flinging poo with his monkey friends. I know i can't care what he or they think.... But like Cil mentioned, yes, i am making lemonade out the lemons he rolled my way.
Tomorrow, I'm running my marathon! Should be fun and you can betcha I'll be posting that on social media
Good luck on your marathon! Have fun, persevere, and have some lemonade when you're done.
Oh. And those people aren't there when he is all by himself.
Lemon- frikkin-cello, love that!!!
Happy belated birthday Feyth! I agree you can't do right for doing wrong. They expect to keep us in a place of misery so they can look strong and invincible. I remember years ago being dumped by my then boyfriend after being together for seven years because he didn't see me as 'marriage material'. I was deviated but after a couple of months I picked myself up and stared dating again and that's when some of my so called friends turned on me and rallied around him because he needed them more than me! Fifteen years later he still lives in a room in the house of those friends and has just turned 50! Karma me thinks!!
Oh and good luck in the marathon!!
Hope it went well feyth... what an accomplishment!
Coly, interesting scenario about your ex boyfriend. I wonder if they ever learn when there are always people there "supporting" them.
Ciluzen, Coly, Job, and Pinn- thanks for the good wishes! The run was brutal.... Just awful! There was torrential rain the entire time and I ended up running over 31 miles due to the minor detours I kept having to take because the path was completely flooded. Couple that with a bit of hypothermia and it made for a really tough time. A lot of runners ended up folding and cut their run short, but I REFUSED to give up. I don't quit.... Yes I was hating every second of it.. And yes it could have compromised my health, but I just needed to know that I had that grit in me. It's so much more than a long run to me!
Anyway, yep, per usual stbxh was on my mind a lot during the whole run and I got emotional over it. These physical endeavors have a habit of doing that to me!
Now I'm just resting and icing my legs. I can't move! Thanks to MWD and this site I've met another one of my stretch DB goals! Woohoo! What next?!!!
Well done Feyth! Oh my gosh 31 miles and you kept going, that's fantastic!
Yes what next! The moon.... :0)
Wow Feyth! I got in shape just reading about your run!
Keep on going-we are all cheering you on!
Wow Feyth this is so amazing what you just accomplished. I'm so humble at your achievement as I couldn't do it myself! Happy belated birthday.
Well done :-)
Way to go Feyth! Let us know what is next!
Thank you all!!! You all were on my mind during that insanely long run! I'll have to think of something good for the next stretch goal. I'm open to suggestions
Oyyyyyy... I'm hurting today! I keep reminding myself that anything is possible with hard work and determination. Anything! There's a quote that I love right now, "Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever." This about sums this whole experience up, don't ya think?
Funny how its always the SECOND day after a strenuous event that you hurt the most; right after you've decided "hey, I'm not too bad!" on the first day after, lol! Not that I've ever done a marathon (plus 5 extra miles). So next...foreign country, backpack, mountains...right? Get that passport ready! Or, ULTRA MARATHON! Notice I'm not offering to join you, but I'll come cheer you on. Totally. So proud of you, Feyth! You have really pushed yourself and see what you've accomplished? What many would have thought not possible, especially with all that is going on in your life. But you get to see what YOU are made of...tough stuff! You aren't done baking either, apparently. You go, girl! The world is yours for the taking. Just toss the map and grab a journal.
Thanks for the support ciluzen!
Just got back from a meeting with my divorce attorney. Tell me again why it's so easy to get divorced?!?! I hate this. I live in a no fault state so it's just "whatever"... Like something you order off a menu. "Yes, I'd like one divorce please with a side of spousal support. thanks!" No big deal.
Fortunately, I really like my lawyer and he has put my mind at ease over a couple things. Only time will tell how this will pan out.
.....and the world spins madly on.
Hope everyone is having a good day!
It's only business. It's only business. It's only business.
Just breathe.
H got served with my response to the dissolution. All I can say is thank god I didn't file first because I couldn't live with myself knowing that I was the one to put this all in motion. Legal jargon just intimidates me.... It's so terse and heartless. But that's the point right?
I'm hiding in my office trying to fight back some tears.... Ugh. It's really come to this.
Feyth, I wish I was around to give you a big hug. I truly believe that even though we are in a way mentally prepared for it, it's when things become concrete ( like being served) that it really hit us. I have been reading a lot of spiritual books lately, and I'm convinced that a partner is here to teach us something. What I don't know yet, but I'm sure all will be revealed in time.
You have a great GAL and you are so strong. Feel what you are feeling, cry if you must but each time you do it, it's another of pain leaving you.
Take care
((Feyth)) just sending you hugs across the water. D is horrible and I don't understand how our S feel compelled to go full steam ahead with everything but I suppose thats the mind of the MLC-er....
Hi Feyth, big hugs from me too. It isn't easy going through the exchanges that accompany divorce proceedings. I can remember being unsettled when things arrived and I had to face them and look at them and respond. What I did find too is that things would only unsettle me for a little while - just that day, or a couple of days. Like you, I had many other things going on and I would get involved in them again and the D process would fade a little. And then I would deal with the next thing that came in and so on.
It isn't nice, but it does have to be done and I think the main thing to do is aim to travel this path in a way that sits well with you. For me I look back and I don't have significant regrets about my part in the D process and I'm glad that's the case.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Sweetie xx
Thank you Rouky, Coly and Sotto. I agree with all of you. I've been mentally and emotionally preparing for this and at the same time it goes against everything I believe in. I have to stick up for myself and my future. I'm not taking an offensive position.... It's stricky defense.
I know my thread is going to close. Before I start my new thread I have a question for you Sotto. How did your ex perceive you while going through the legal process? I just think that my stbxh hates me even more; and by protecting myself it is supporting his decision to continue to walk away.
Like someone told me a few posts up, I can't seem to win for losing. I know he wants me to just roll over and take whatever HE thinks the outcome should be.
Feyth,
I'm sorry you are having some down time and I want to send you hugs too. I'm also sending you some positive thoughts and hopefully things will be a bit better tomorrow for you.
Please take care of yourself.
Also, please start a new thread.