Hello Everyone! I need help and advice. My husband just turned 45, bought a corvette in June, and lost both parents a year ago. 1 week after his 45 birthday in August he told me he was unhappy and leaving. He moved out on Sunday!
Wow -- all the time together and this is the first I hear of it. Sure, we were not as intense as we were when we first married. We both worked full time, I am recovering from lung cancer (nonsmoker), and we let life get the way. He refuses counseling and states he is just done with attachments. He is ready to be single again.
Supposedly there is no one -- he just needs to find himself and discover who he is. Which includes him moving to a rent free condo in downtown Houston -- until December. His boss was gracious enough to let him stay in a spare condo.
At the moment -- he is helping to pay bills and is being really attentive with our daughter, but do I just give up and let my marriage fall away?
I have never felt so alone or heartbroken. He was my best friend and I probably devoted too much time to his interests and managing the house. Is there any hope ??? I read the rules and trying to limit contact unless he initiates it.
Welcome Amy!
I'm sorry you are here, but you are going to meet some wonderful people who are walking the path right now and some who have crossed the finish line. Each and every poster is a success, i.e., whether they reconciled w/their spouses or not.
From what you posted, it does sound like your h is in crisis mode. So, I'm going to post the "Welcome Thread" that Cadet usually posts to all newbies. I don't know if Cadet will be along later, as the east coast is bracing for the tropical storm this weekend.
So here is the "Welcome Thread". I encourage you to do the homework reading and if you have more questions, etc., please do not be afraid to ask them. Take some time to read the threads and educate yourself as much as possible on depression, as depression is the main ingredient of MLC, and most importantly familiarize yourself w/MLC. No two people will go through the crisis the same, the crisis will be over when the MLCer decides, their clock is very, very slow and we can't rush the process, nor can we snap them out of it. This is the time for you to focus on yourself.
"Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmMichele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon"
I don't know if Cadet will be along later, as the east coast is bracing for the tropical storm this weekend.
Actually we are not having any rain until Monday!
So I do have some plans for today and tomorrow.
Welcome Amy!
Read the homework and I just posted a more up to date version on HTM's thread so any changes will be there!
Keep learning and posting since Knowledge is definitely POWER!
Hi Amy,
I'm sorry you are here but also happy that you found this forum so fast. I wish I knew about it 2+ years ago when my h's MLC started. I would have avoided a lot of mistakes... I don't post much (not very good at expressing my feelings in writing) but I follow a lot of threads & it's really helping. When you see that situations of many of us are so similar to yours you will feel less alone. Reading here what other MLCers say and realising that it's identical to what your h says to you will also make you realise that it's not you, it's him. It doesn't hurt less to hear those things from your h but it's strangely comforting to know that it's the "disease" talking. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for this but being here will hopefully make it easier for you. Job has always great advice and there are many really wonderful and supportive people here. Keep posting.
Sending some strength your way.
Bee
HI Amy.
Sorry you are here-
Yes Your H does sound very MLC
Sometimes the death of a parent will start the crises-and he has both parents pass
and the corvette also fits right in
None of us gave right up-
we practiced working on ourselves.
some LBS try different strategies to see if anything will work to bring H closer
work on creating a friendship with H
MLC can take 2-7 years for them to resolve,,
some will return or try to
sometimes its the LBS that moves on
But some things may help you and the transition of the M
learn about MLC
Detatch and let go
focus on yourself and your new life
take care of you,, eat, sleep rest pray (if you have a relationship with God)
work on yourself
validate and listen to him
Create new activities for you
Protect your assets
therapy individual and or group
be there for your Daughter
do not initiate relationship talks
Do not try to talk H into seeing he has a MLC
no snooping, or begging
Keep posting
Thank you everyone! It has been really hard to not contact him, but I have succeeded for the moment. He comes tomorrow to pick up some furniture (had to rent a truck bc he can't haul anything in his corvette) and take our daughter for the rest of the long weekend.
I am going to try to be very pleasant and not angry. I have read through a lot of the links and I really appreciate all the information.
I have even went to open a new account and transfer in money to pay the bills -- since this is still my responsibility. Previously he stated he wanted to file for divorce next month, but we have not discussed that since he left. I also joined a local suport group, the gym, and went to see my GP last week do to not being able to sleep or eat.
Just trying to stay busy so I do not think about him. Nights are the worst since we were never apart (except for when I was in the hospital). Most of my adult life was spent with him. Next month would have been 17 years.
Amy
That is so good..
Its hard to eat- many LBS loose a lot of weight-
just try to take care of yourself
It gets easier in time and usually the LBS lands on their feet --
better than they were before and our kids do benefit from seeing and witnessing and stable strong parent, especially while the other parent goes off to play
I remember also being afraid at night and driving alone at night was very strange
But in time many of us transition to doing all things again-alone confidently
Enjoy your day-
Peace
Well he has officially fully moved out. He came, we made polite small talk, and he took his stuff. No discussing of the future, us, or how he is doing since he left.
And especially no tears -- which I'm proud of.
I even put my best face forward and tried to look the best I could -- without over doing it. This imposter is not the man I married. He is not the person I spent the last 14 or so years with. This imposter slowly invaded and it breaks my heart.
Do they ever come back? Or is this the way he will be from now on. I know I should not want someone that does not want me, but I do.
Hi Amy-
You have a triple moderator thread.
I think you have done a great job with all you're going through, and you've caught on quickly to the 'rules'. I'm proud of you.
Your family has had more than its share of struggles and heartache, compound that with hitting the mid 40s, and escape to a newer life can sound pretty good. I bet the thought may have crossed your own mind but your sense of love for your family and responsibility stopped you from beating him to it. And maybe fear of what you would lose.
Now the loss has happened, we know what the bad news is, and I'm not minimizing it. But the good news is, amongst all of the responsibility you have -- you get to reinvent yourself a bit. To bring back that spark, that feeling of 'you' inside.
What does your best you look like? What would you just love to be doing, saying?
Spouses very often do come back for better or worse. Do everything you can to enjoy being you. He might not see every detail but he will get the sense of the changes you're making. Do them (the things you love) for yourself so you will enjoy your life. And when you do, there is nothing more attractive. You will radiate confidence and glow.
Another benefit of that is your daughter will see how to handle heartaches and setback and she is at such a critical age.
I know you can do it from what you've posted. You 'get it'. You deserve the best.
Amy - sorry you find yourself here but you are amongst a kind and very supportive group of people.
First of all, AWESOME job not crying and not attempting to "reason" with your h. We call this acting "as if." It means we act as if everything is a ok. In the beginning it is an act as we are all in terrible pain. But keep taking one step at a time and I promise, before you know it, it won't be an act anymore.
Yes, some MLCErs do come back. However, as Job would tell you, no one can tell who will do so (which is why you focus on you). Some return close to who they were. Some keep traits from MLC. And yes, some get stuck like a scratch in a record.
MLC is a huge mixture of depression and confusion. Logic is gone, as you can see for yourself! Replay is where the MLCer makes a complete fool of him/herself. He's been headed this way for a long while. If you read about the stages, you'll begin to piece together that your h was in denial and anger years ago. There's nothing you did to cause it and there's no way you could stop it.
Read, read, read all that info Cadet sent you. Focus on taking care of you and your daughter. Exercise, eat well and try to get sleep. Keep busy, called GAL here, meaning "get a life" so that you keep yourself very occupied. Post often. And do not contact him unless it is pertinent: something pertaining to finances or your child.
And yes, you are so right, this is NOT the man you want. He needs to go through this and see if he can fix this himself.
Thank you so much for these posts. To tell you the truth -- I would be a blubbering idiot if I had not found this forum. His guy friend that is helping him moved, gave me a huge hug and told me he will hopefully snap out of this soon. I guess I am not the only one hat sees what he is doing.
This will be my first night without my daughter -- so I am headed to the gym and then a nice dinner by myself. Hoping to visit a friend tomorrow and drink magaritias by a pool. I will work on GAL. Hugs to each and everyone of you.
I am sure I will be back online later tonight .. When it gets quiet and the memories flood in.
Hello AmyTX,
Congrats on recovering from lung cancer!
I'm so sorry that your husband has moved out. Focus on being the best AmyTX and mom that only a fool would leave.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Update -- he officially moved out on Sunday. However after spending the afternoon with my daughter today. He decided to bring a pizza home to share instead of taking her out for dinner as planned. Of course I had just come home from the gym and I was a mess.
And now he plans on doing some work around the house on Sunday. He is still talking about the divorce and I am just polite when we talk. He mostly talks about himself, his new condo, and work. We had a brief email exchange earlier in the week when I was weak.
Is this normal behavior. Do they live to torment and keep popping back up when they are so set on divorce?
Amy,
They aren't even thinking about what they are doing at times. Is he living to torment you because he's popping in? In my opinion, no. All he sees is that he's being a good guy bringing pizza to the home and spending time w/his daughter.
His journey is all about him and he's going to sing the me, me, me song for a long time. He will not care about anything else but himself and what makes him feel and look good. Just remember, it's him, not you.
Have you read the homework that was posted to you? If not, please do so, also visit around the forum and read the postings of others. You'll then see that what your h is doing is normal behavior for someone in crisis.
Divorce is the brass ring to him. He thinks that will make him feel better and that there is a new and exciting life out there without the usual responsibilities and being held account for his actions. Guess what...it's the same ole same ole because you have to work a job, pay the bills, do the usual housework and yes take care of the family. He doesn't realize that divorce will mean more money being shelled out and that he won't have the luxury to just pop in whenever he wants and that you are the one that will set that boundary in place. Things change w/divorce and he doesn't get it...none of them do until it's too late.
BTW, if his popping in bugs you, you can always set up a visitation schedule w/him. After all, your home is now your space as well as your daughter's. However, that is up to you. Also, he will need to start taking his daughter to his place for his visits once he's gotten the place together so that he can spend quality time w/her there and not use your home. He may very well use your place for visitation as an excuse to keep an eye on you and what you are doing. If he continues to come over, please be sure to keep all personal documents in a safe place and password your computer, etc. They do love to snoop, i.e., just as much as we do.
Keep the focus on you.
Thank you for your advice. Yes .. I have been doing a lot of the reading but just really overwhelmed. I have need working extra hours because I don't trust myself to not contact him.
And .. I guess I should be lucky, but my stbx canceled on me today. Which then makes me wonder why? Which I shouldn't. So I went to the gym and food prepped for the week. I know others have made it through this. And I have good and bad days .. But today has been really heard. I keep focusing on why he left and what changes I should have made. I have lost some weight and I'm now 35 pounds from where I was when we married.
I know the last few months were rocky and I was still recovering from my thoracotomy / lung cancer -- but I am absolutely miserable right now. At least during my cancer treatment I could trust he doctors. Now I'm just lost.
All my family and friends tell me I'd be better off, and I don't want to be left again, but don't want to be in this place right now in my life. I miss my husband, my best friend, my helpmate. I know I need to get stronger .....
I have joined a support group, but I guess I need to find someone else to talk to bc I don't want to keep rehashing it with the few friends and family I have told. Next month would have been our 17th wedding anniversary and I feel like a spoiled child throwing a tamptrum, but I miss him ...
Amy,
Of course you miss him. If you didn't, I'd think that there was something wrong w/you and the relationship. You were together for quite a long time and now he's left this empty void. Your support system went out the window when he left...but there are others that can step up to the plate to support you right now. Lean on them.
It takes a long time to recover from thoracotomy/lung cancer. So, don't be so hard on yourself and keep your expectations of what you think that you should be doing or where you should be at this time to a minimum. Give your body time to heal.
As for your family and friends, until they walk a mile in your shoes, they don't have a clue as to what you are dealing w/when it comes to you and your h at this time. I would suggest that you select one or two close friends to talk to about your situation and leave the others in the dark unless they inquire. If they inquire, keep your responses short and sweet.
I'm glad you joined a support group. They will help you. You can always come here to vent, be angry and yes just seek old comfort from those who post here. The posters are on the same path w/you, but are at various stages along the way.
Try to keep the focus on you and getting better. Stress can play a huge role in healing.
Take care.
I know the last few months were rocky and I was still recovering from my thoracotomy / lung cancer -- but I am absolutely miserable right now. At least during my cancer treatment I could trust he doctors. Now I'm just lost.
All my family and friends tell me I'd be better off, and I don't want to be left again, but don't want to be in this place right now in my life. I miss my husband, my best friend, my helpmate. I know I need to get stronger .....
I have joined a support group, but I guess I need to find someone else to talk to bc I don't want to keep rehashing it with the few friends and family I have told. Next month would have been our 17th wedding anniversary and I feel like a spoiled child throwing a tamptrum, but I miss him ...
Hey AmyTx,
Sorry you are here with us. I know it's little comfort to hear, but remember that I and many others here are walking in the same shoes as you. I admire your patience about your sitch and I crave it for myself.
Your comment about your doctors really hit home with me. I can see the difference. When battling your illness, you didn't know what the outcome would be - but with the guidance of your doctors, you knew what to do. There was a plan, there was an established course of action to take. If the course didn't work quite right, the doctors would have an alternate plan. With MLC, your plans for your life might get sidetracked, because you don't know what grenades your H is going to try and throw at you. It's a rollercoaster, there feels like no plan because the MLCer has no plan - even if it sounds like they do.
There's lots of other vets who are great at putting things into perspective (a few of them are cranky), but job is always amazing.
It's great that you have a support group. I'm glad you beat your illness. Hang in there. Keep going. Take your time.
Direct isn't the same thing as cranky.
I didn't necessarily mean you, J3B. I'm sorry I didn't praise you as easily as I do job. I don't think you're cranky.
(AmyTX - ahem, see what I mean?
)
LOL, not a fan of praise actually. LOL Brubeck I think you seem to be doing good today, smartassy in a good way. Good to see.
I'm right there w/J3B, i.e., not a fan of praise. I can be just as cranky/direct as the next person and my patience shovel is on automatic dig quite often. LOL! Each and every poster is awesome in my books. Why? Because each and every poster comes here seeking advice, a shoulder to lean on and to learn how to survive and thrive along the way. You know what? They, in turn, actually help others w/their postings and that means sharing and caring w/others. So, yes, everyone that comes here is awesome in his/her own right.
So, pat yourself on your back...you've come a long way in a short period of time and you are helping others too.
Amy,
Sadly, yours is not the first WAS here to run away when the LBS has a cancer diagnosis. Sometimes I think it is just a matter of them being too weak to face the fear of losing you. Sometimes I think they were already fooling around and just selfishly don't want the responsibility of caring for a spouse with cancer when they had already started to plan their escape. And some of them were just always narcissists who couldn't be counted on to do anything selfless.
My ex was the last type.......I always knew on some level that I wouldn't be able to count on him if I developed some difficult diagnosis like cancer. Heck, he was barely any help if I got the stomach flu.
My current boyfriend, on the other hand..... I am quite confident that should any medical catastrophe occur, he would be right there with me in the trenches.
The advice I would give you right now:
- your recovery is number one. Stress, lack of sleep, comfort eating.... All are bad for your recovery. You need sleep, exercise, sunshine, and a super healthy diet of fruits and vegetables, organic meats, low carbs (cancer loves sugar). Your attention needs to be focused here, for you and for your daughter. Look up the importance of vitamin D in cancer on grassrootshealth and research metformin and cancer.
- your daughter is number two. You need to be her rock. She will challenge you, both because she's a teen and because you are the "safe" parent to rage against. Don't take it personally.
- having fun is number three. Seriously. I know it sounds ridiculous , but seriously: if you knew for sure that the cancer would come back in five years, would you really want to waste your time on all H's drama? Or would you want to get out there and LIVE? Do some of the great things you always wanted to do? Make great memories with your daughter? Don't wait on your H. Just start living.
- let go or be dragged. Your H may or may not come back in the future, but for right now, just live your life for you and your daughter. Protect yourself financially, get good legal advice. Live your best life. He's actually much more likely to return if you create a great, interesting life for yourself.
- throw out the rose colored glasses. It took me a long time to recognize my ex's narcissism, but everything makes much more sense now. I'm betting that eventually you'll see your H never was quite the great guy you thought he was. Because a great guy wouldn't run away from a spouse battling cancer.
I have an appointment to meet with a therapist tomorrow. I feel like I cannot stop thinking about him ...
He sent me another email today. Stating he is not dating but there is someone he is interested in .. Who is about 18 years younger than him. He has been spending his evenings alone at his new condo or going to dinner at his boss's house only. He says he is trying to find himself. He told me he has been having doubts about our relationship for a few years but could never tell me. He said he wished he could have just done something that would cause me to kick him out -- but he never wanted to hurt me. And there will always be a place for me in his heart and he hopes we can remain friend. I don't know if any of this is truth or lies.
I read the email over and over again just wishing I could yell at him. But I won't give him the satisfaction. Next week he is getting a big bonus at work that we will use to pay off the credit cards he maxed out this summer -- buying new clothes and toys. Then we will start process of a divorce.
Even at our worst moments -- I had faith in us and was willing to fight. I am devistated that he gave up on us and never told me! Never tried to fix us.
I am trying my best to heal, rebuild me, get new hobbies, make new friends -- but I just feel worthless at this moment. I have read the posts and have had people tell me it gets easier -- but right now I am just done. Praying tomorrow morning will be a little brighter.
Hi Amy,
I am dealing with a similar situation. My husband is also 45 and he left me out of the blue last April. At first he claimed there was no one else. Then he said he had a crush on someone and that must mean he no longer had feelings for me. Then I found out he was in a full on sexual affair with someone 20+ years younger. You can see my name here is "cliched." My husband is a doctor. His affair is with a first year nurse. He also recently told me he wants a divorce and I am finally at the point where I am beginning to understand that this is not my fault, that I will be OK without him, that this whole thing is ridiculous. My guess is that your husband is having AT LEAST an emotional affair with this woman, if not more, and he is bring cruel for making you feel like it is anything you did. I had a ruptured disc and knee problems and my stbexh got very active in martial arts and later said that my physical problems slowed him down. Nice, right? This is not normal behavior. This is not what spouses should do. This is not what love it. Don't torture yourself thinking about what you could have done differently. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is truly awful.
Thank you Clinched:
Yes my husband did some of the same things with me. Before my lung cancer was found, I would get winded easily (I just thought it was because I was out of shape) and I was always tired. Come to find out I was only use 1 1/4 of my lungs. He pretty much made fun of me -- until a ctscan showed my tumor. Even after I was healing from my surgery -- he made comments that I was acting too old and I needed to act younger.
And to everyone that has posted -- I do appreciate all the comments and suggestions. I have never experienced pain like this and after reading the forum it helps to know it does get better. And the hope that I might be happy again -- even if it is without him. It is sad to see so many people with such similar stories. All these wayward spouses -- just doing what makes them feel good and leaving their families to pick up the pieces
Kml -- thanks for all the tips and I did just find out that my vitamin d is low. I start taking a new vitamin once a week now.
I appreciate all the suggestions and am trying to get rid of my rose colored glasses. Lol
And I am glad to know you have someone special who does appreciate and take care of you. Gives me hope for the future -- But not soon because I need to heal first.
Hey Amy. Just a quick note as I saw the low on vitamin D comment. It also helped during this ever so stressful time to take a B-complex. My doc suggested it because the stress after H left was causing me to shake so badly I thought I was having symptoms of major physical issues. It does help with the stress.
Hang in there. My H moved pretty fast, BD to D filing being only 6 months. It took awhile to have a semblance of control over my emotions and health, but it will come with time. Those rose colored glasses are getting pretty banged up, scratched and faded, as well. Time for a new clearer pair.
clichéd,
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I noticed that this is your first posting. It would be helpful to you, as well as the posters, if you created a thread of your own. Don't be afraid...we all lurk for a bit and then post on someone's thread, but at the end of the day, we discover it's best to create our own thread so that we have something to look back on later to see just how far we've come.
So .. it has official been a month since my H dropped the bomb. The 'I love you, but not in love with you.' And the " you will always have a place in my heart".
He moved out but is still helping me financially and spending time with our daughter. He is showing classic signs of a MLC -- chatting with a new young girl (denies PA), bought a corvette, changes to clothing / spending habits/ new hobbies, pulling away from me, angry, depressed, he recently lost both his parents, and turned 45 the week before bomb drop.
Since the bomb drop -- I went from the weeping wife begging for her husband to the somewhat strong woman I am today. However, the strength I have is only on the outside. Inside I am crushed and feel like I am dying. Because I can no longer function like this -- I found a professional to talk to. Anyone else do this?
From my 1 meeting -- she has discovered that we are both avoiders and when two avoiders get married -- it always ends in an affair. Yes, I admit that I did sometimes hide my feelings for what I thought was the good of the family. I sucked it up -- and did the responsible thing. I worked hard outside of the home and in the home. I was the only parent that was there for our daughter (helping with homework and attending all her functions). Actually I was the one that spent the most time with her since my H's hobbies (they started about 3 years ago) were very important to him -- and he would do events without us on the weekends. It was more important to do the event than spend time with us.
I also know that the last 3 years (out of 17 together) were rocky. We had deaths in the family, I was really sick and then they found cancer, he switched jobs a few times .. but I thought that what we had was worth trying to save.
I am no longer sure if he is in a MLC or if he is just unhappy. But how do you react when your H tells you he wants to date other woman, enjoys the thrill of flirting with them, but may still want to date you as well .. just dont get your hopes up????
AmyTX - I'm sorry you have found yourself here. You'll get lots of great advice. The core thing is to focus on yourself and D13. H is on his own journey and you don't want to go along for that ride.
I'm sure the vets will chime shortly with more specific advice.
Hi AmyTX - I am sorry your h did not support you during your health issues. I am betting that if you think about it you may see that your h always had issues with aging, sickness, hospitals, etc.? I think many, many MLCers do. This is not to excuse what he did. But this fear of aging/sickness + bad coping skills = perfect MLC formula.
About the therapist, that's good you are talking to someone! Be aware that there are very few therapists who really understand MLC. Even though they say they do, probably they get midlife "transitions" (I am not where I want to be in my career, I hate the empty nest, etc.) but not midlife "crisis." That is a different story.
Here's my funny therapist story. I sought out someone who was pro marriage and who understood MLC. 7 months post BD, I go to talk to her. She is taking notes and nidding. I am telling her that at bomb drop my told me he wanted to live at home, get an apartment, sleep around on Saturday nights, he told me I could sleep around on Friday nights (!) and then the rest of the time we would play Leave it to Beaver. (We had a completely normal, monogamous marriage, nothing kinky! No farm animals, power tools, etc.) She looks up and asks me how long we've been swinging! (I do live in SoCal and that sort of thing does happen here so ...)
Point is, just because a therapist says she gets MLC, does not mean she really does. Most do not understand MLC nor the corresponding regression, confusion and depression. So don't be surprised if your therapist tells you to cut and run. But, you can still work on you with him/her.
About your h wanting to date you and other women? That is called cake eating. He wants to keep all his options open. However, we teach people how we are to be treated. When my h would come up with his "plans" (that ALWAYS only benefitted him) I would think: what if my kids were watching all this? How would I want them to see me acting as a role model? And remember: if you have maintained your dignity but lost your marriage you have not lost a single thing!
Stay active and take care of you and your daughter.
Cake eating -- I like that term.
I told him what he could do with his plan. Lol! Yes I want to be an example to my daughter. I told him we could work on friends -- but no dating if he was dating others. I have to like myself and respect myself. I can't if I'm sharing my husband.
Which, if he follows through with his plans -- we will file papers next month.
Amy,
I have merged your two threads together this morning. The reason for this is that your previous thread only had 29 postings. Please stick to one thread until you've received 100 postings/replies and then create a new thread. Also, you can change your subject line within a thread at any time.
Having one thread going at a time is easier for us to follow your progress and it will help you if you need to go back and revisit a particular thread.
Just in case I missed it, have you ever read DB or DR?
No .. I have read a lot of the info on this forum, but that is all.
Amy,
No need to apologize about the threads. You are new and probably didn't know this info.
Check the local library to see if they have the DB book that you can check out.
I will do that.
Any tips on how to control the thoughts in your head? I am sitting here thinking about my marriage. I am driving myself crazy re-analyzing stuff and wishing I could go back and make changes.
I am still so new to this and the pain is so much right now. I just miss him so much and hate the feeling of lost that I am going through.
The man that talks to me now -- about our daughter or our upcoming divorce -- is not the man I knew. I just got an email from him a few days ago stating he has been miserable for 1/2 our marriage. You were miserable for 8 1/2 years and did not tell me. Seriously?!?!
I knew things were rocky the last year or so, but he blamed it on work and stuff .. but we used to be happy. Or am I crazy????
I wish I had a pony...or could walk again.
If wishes were horses;
beggars would ride.
Amy,
How to control the thoughts in your head, do you know what GALing means?
Get A Life.
Do something fun, do something you like, do something that makes you grow.
We learn that its hard to control those thoughts so we put more and different thoughts in our heads to hopefully think about something else.
I knew things were rocky the last year or so, but he blamed it on work and stuff .. but we used to be happy. Or am I crazy????
Well one of you is crazy. Is it you or the guy who suddenly says he was unhappy for 8.5 years and only just now said something about it?
Did Cadet give you a list of threads about MLC when you first got here? If he did...please read them it should give you alot of insight about the LBSer (you) and the MLCer (your husband)
Thank you Jack_Three_Beans! Yes they did and I will reread them. My brain is so foggy that I probably forgot a lot of it. I appreciate the truthfulness and I have got to get out this rut.
I worry that I will never be happy again or that I will never trust again -- I guess I need to stop worrying about these things and GAL.
That will be my goal and I will work on that. Thank you!
Time will wash away your pain.
I worry that I will never be happy again or that I will never trust again -- I guess I need to stop worrying about these things and GAL.
Not completely familiar with your sitch but I am all to familiar with teh script MLCrs and the LBS versions.
This stuck out at me today while I am deciding what to do for lunch, I had these two very same thoughts for some time. I am about 3 years ... yes 3 years post BD and honestly I thought the trust thing would be the biggest hurdle, thing is If you do the work you realize you control the trust issue, and it really is that simple - you chose to trust or don't.
As far as the Happy thing ... same song and for me was the first verse. I found peace first ... happiness followed. Did I chose this ... no, it hurt me but did not break me, in fact I am much much stronger because of it all and for that I am grateful.
Happiness and Trust will come, but that's on you ... as are so many things we all must go through to get to the other side of this.
Once you read DB/DR, you'll find the answers to all your questions. Right now just concentrate on you and the kids with things you enjoy doing. it won't immediately change your mood, but over time it will.
That's why I wished you joy and not happiness. Joy can come much sooner, while happiness waxes and wanes with the wind.
In my experience, if your goal AmyTx is to experience happiness, you'll tumble up, over.. and down like a puppy in the surf.
To Cali's point, you do the work, you will get there and when you look back, be glad you did.
What you describe is sadly, not as uncommon as we'd like to believe. Nor would we want to believe it can happen to us. I'd say this board is proof it does though. And also proof that if you do that work described in the various posts, you and will be joyful and able to trust another human being again. Perhaps even your H.
AJ
I think part of the hardest thing I going through -- is I "thought" I was a good wife. I worked hard at my job, then came home and worked some more (I did everything at home since my husband had a long commute), devoted myself to my daughter and my husband. I did these things -- to keep him happy and to stay out of this situation I'm in right now. I was taught to be a 'good' person.
Was I happy always doing the things they wanted? No, but I felt I had the responsibility to my family to do it. All the while -- I lost myself and what my husband actually loved about me. That was something else he told me in another email.
I have been reading the LBS Stages thread and sadly it hurts. The way I handled my marriage hurts. I devoted so much time to what I thought I should be doing -- I actually just failed myself. Yes, I am beginning to see that HIS MLC, will be a learning time for me as well.
Luckily -- I have this time now to try to find me. What is scary is after 17 years, I do not remember what I like ...
Amy,
You were a good wife, but his journey is all about him and his childhood issues that need to be resolved. If he hadn't been happy a long time ago, he wouldn't have stayed as long as he did. When we get married, no one gave us a book on how to deal w/the life transitions or w/MLC. We had no clue that our spouses would board the Mother Ship and orbit many times over. They appeared to fairly normal when we married them and in most instances we accepted them w/all their warts and flaws. So, who knew that they would flip out one day? No one. PSST! This can happen to anyone and it's not just because they are married. Again, it's him, not you.
We all took on tasks during the marriage that we didn't love, but we accepted the additional work because it's what we thought marriage was all about...there's no shame in that. We all get caught up in the marriage and sometimes we lose ourselves in the process. We try to make others happy and we forget about ourselves.
Sooooo....while he's orbiting earth, this is your time to rediscover you! It's a time to finish up DIY projects, take up new hobbies and do things that you've never done before. It's time to leave the comfort zone behind and start venturing forth into the world and meeting new people and doing things that you enjoy. Peace, joy, happiness, joy and trust will all come back to you as you travel your life's path.
How about making a list of things that you would like to do and let's see what a good time period would be for them.
Amy, you'll get to the other side....but it takes time.
Take care of you and those kiddos. Take a nice hot bath and indulge yourself.I know this is hard to do.. but let him go...it may take a bit but you can get there. Post and vent here it helps alot.
BTW i though I was a good wife too and apparently i was torture to live with...lol You just have to laugh some of the insane rants off..
Amy,
Go visit HaWho's thread. She's got her MLCer living in the basement and he's acting like a teenager and thinks that she's made his life horrible his entire adult life.
Please try to remember that when in crisis, their glasses are coated with a dark film and they can't see clearly. It's their perception of how things were. We are wearing clear glasses and can see clearly and know what is or isn't true. Only own up to 50% of the breakdown of the marriage. Don't try to take on his share too. That's his to own and do something about.
As you travel along the path, you'll begin to find your sense of humor again and will begin to see that some of the stuff they say and do just isn't done in a rational way and you'll shake your head about it.
tfish, has given you something to do this evening. Repeat this over and over again "it's him, it's not me".
Thank you! This forum is helping me so much. I did mention to one of my friends (someone that he does not talk to) about this forum and she flipped out. I tried to explain that I'm not being his doormat, but willing to stand by and see where things go. There still is no sign of PA, just an EA. But I gues the PA will come soon enough. I am glad he has moved out so I do not have to witness that.
Last night he came over to pick up our daughter for dinner. He came inside and insisted on helping with a few things. I smile, said thank you, and then left the room. It hurts so much .. Seeing him with his handsome smile and charm. He even gave me his large bonus he got from work to pay off my credit cards he maxed out. At least he is helping with that.
I hope he will see the changes I'm making -- but I'm making for me and not him. I'm down about 15 pounds since he left and I'm excited to be wearing some clothes I had not in a while.
I am currently at the hospital waiting for my 1 year ctscan to make sure my cancer is still gone. I need to keep myself healthy and be an example for my daughter. Keep going to the gym .. Making friends .. And GAL.
Hi AmyTx,
Try not to think of the EA going PA or even look for it, been dealing with that far too much in my sitch and it'll send you almost as loopy as the MLCer S.
What sort of gym work are you doing... zumba, yoga, cardio?
Hope, and fingers x-d for you, the 1yr scan comes back clear.
Okay .. Good advice HTM.. Just so hard to not think about since this was never an issue before. After reading the forum -- I see that I'm not alone -- by having a spouse that so completely changed.
Sorry to hear that you are dealing with these issues as well.
I am still recovering from my thoracotomy -- so very limited upper body work. Lately just treadmill and stair climber -- lots of cardio. My gym does not offer classes so I need to find a place that does to meet more people.
He has our daughter this weekend so I know I'll be looking for something to do. Maybe I'll check out a Zumba class!
Having a rough day and reading through the forums. I should be out doing something, but I'm waiting for my H to bring our D back from her staying the weekend with him. It was a hard weekend. I ended up hooking up my H PS4 and spent last night playing Fallout because I could not read anymore .. And I was afraid I would start checking his FB again.
The BD was a month ago .. But I feel as if years have gone by.
Next month is my birthday, our anniversary, and the start of something that my H and I have done for years and years. It's an event that is on the weekends and lasts for several weeks. My D is excited about going .. But I just want to boycott it.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. With that said, your hubby is with this girl and I'd bet my life has been for a while. He's following a script on this sort of behavior to the letter.
I think you need to do a little digging and stop letting him dictate the future of your relationship. You get a say too. Read up on the 180 and implement it. You can't nice them back.
Amy,
I'm sorry you are having a rough day...you are going to have good and bad days as you travel the path. I'm sure you'll be happy when your D returns home.
You really need to try to break the habit of checking his FB page. Many times, what is posted on FB doesn't necessarily mean he's having a good time. It's a place to go to brag and yes, stretch the truth a bit. If he has any inkling that you are checking it, he could very well embellish on what he's posting.
I realize that you are still not up to "full strength" just yet, but you need to find some hobbies to work on. Here are a few examples, a nice quiet walk, a visit to a café and have a cup of coffer or a glass of ice tea and while there, people watch, a visit to the library, I did a lot of jigsaw puzzles when my xh left, a visit to the local nursing home to cheer up some patients, volunteer at a soup kitchen. The list goes on and on, but this will help get you motivated to think of things that you could do in your community at your pace.
Sounds like October is going to a tough month. Keep those expectations to zero because often the MLCer will not recognize those special days and I don't want you to be disappointed if he doesn't. If you don't feel up to going to that event that lasts a few weekends, then don't go. You are the only one that has control over you and what you do w/your life.
I do hope that you get good news from your latest test. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Just checking in ... my daughter and I have started walking in the evenings to get some exercise and also a chance for us to really chat. I am also going to go this weekend and pick up a few puzzles .. thanks job for the suggestion. I go in 2 weeks to meet with my oncologist about my CT Scan and my 1 year checkup. Praying no signs of the lung cancer returning!!! I also started working more hours to help with finances and keep me out of the home. Next month -- H will begin only paying child support (even though we are only separated) and no longer helping with the rest of the household bills. Even though he does not need to pay rent on his condo until January.
The one thing that I am having trouble getting over -- is something that I read online. Which is just an online opinion -- but it has really hit me hard. It talked about the spouse in a midlife crisis is there because of both spouses. Actions I took, defects in me -- caused him to feel the only way out was through escape.
I am really trying to search inward and fix what is wrong with me. However, this is quite painful because I truly thought I was being a 'good' wife. Looking back I now see where I could have made changes -- and this hurts so bad.
I see now that I allowed him to cross boundaries in our marriage. When he pushed me away and was angry at me for something -- I retreated. I always tried to keep him happy and did not speak up when something he did caused me hurt. It was easier to avoid than to cause more conflict. I craved being around him and I should have made time for myself that did not involved him. When he stopped showing me affection, I should have talked to him about it and how it made me feel. Instead I just retreated further and allowed it to affect my self esteem.
I truly see this a journey for both of us -- one I never wanted ... I only pray I come out the other side and prove to be an example for my daughter!
Amy
I'll chime in just a touch as I've been there and done that as far as the "How did this Crisis thing start"
First off, it wasn't something you did .... I repeat ... It's not YOU who sent him into MLC, think of it as an old WWII bomb that has been sitting in a hill dormant for years, everything seemed normal till that little girl rode her bicycle over the hill and suddenly it went off. Is it the girls fault? No.... She was simply being a kid and riding her bike.
The crisis is much the same, it was going to go off with you or whom ever he ended up with. I can't speak for you nor everyone here but let's use my marriage. Things started getting rocky and as a husband I attempted to fix things here and there, tried to keep the peace, tried to make her happy but to no avail.... The more I tried the more I seemed to fall short. Did this make her crisis worse??? Who knows ... I could have certainly held my ground on so many areas but to play the "what if I" game is really a waste of time. She was going to enter into the crisis regardless of what I did or didn't do.
All any of us can do now is become better for this thing we never asked for. I did this
I've shared this before ... As I learned it here
For me the change started with one simple thing. I made my bed every morning. This was the first of a list of changes... I made that damn bed. Was something I could look at and say "Ok... I have done 2 things, I got my butt out of bed, and I have a nice made bed to come home to"
Second one was the lists .... Write 3 lists
List 1: 10 Things you like about yourself (at the time this was a challenge)
List 2: 10 Things you admire in other Women
List 3: 10 Things you want to change about yourself (CAREFUL HERE.... Another things your spouse complained about... Things YOU feel you could be better at)
Post this list where you can see it several times a day and begin to think of how you can replace the things on List #3 with things from List #2
"I see now that I allowed him to cross boundaries in our marriage. When he pushed me away and was angry at me for something -- I retreated. I always tried to keep him happy and did not speak up when something he did caused me hurt. It was easier to avoid than to cause more conflict. I craved being around him and I should have made time for myself that did not involved him. When he stopped showing me affection, I should have talked to him about it and how it made me feel. Instead I just retreated further and allowed it to affect my self esteem."
Hi Amy, I agree with what Cali posted and I think if you had been a different kind of W entirely, the crisis would likely have happened anyway.
What you posted above chimed with me and I do think it is worth reflecting on this. My issues were similar - our M was loving and low conflict. I was a peacemaker and tended to smooth over things, also not voicing things that didn't matter to me.
I have come to see that I struggled to really bring myself to the R. I brought what I thought others would want and therefore accept me. I found the books by Brene Brown really helpful in this whole area and I do see things differently and would strive for different things now.
But when you do all of this, do it primarily for you and with the focus on what kind of R you want going forwards - whether that be with your H or some other lucky guy at some point in the future...
Take care, you're doing really well Amy xx
Sorry - I meant to say 'did matter to me' :)x
Thank you Sotto!
I met with my therapist yesterday and we really clicked. I hope that she will help me to make some progress with my self esteem -- which she said was extremely low. I keep blaming myself only for what is happening (which i know i shouldn't) but I just do.
I really need to take some time for some deep self reflection and try to remember that at one time I really liked myself. I have good and bad qualities and should not beat myself up all the time.
Okay .. Bad night.
How do you get through the bad times? Is my husband really suffering from a MLC or was the marriage really that bad and Am I just searching for an excuse? Is this a MLC or was I just so bad that he had to run away from me and our daughter? My thoughts are driving me crazy ...
Amy,
Here's the thing, if you or the marriage were so bad, he wouldn't have stayed as long as he did. The two of you created a daughter today and shared many good memories together.
You are in the early stages of his crisis and you are trying to find answers, but the answers aren't for you to discover. He needs to find the answers to his unhappiness and accept that he can't go back in time and change the way his life played out at the time he was emotionally stunted. He can visit that time, face those demons, accept that he wasn't at fault for the way he was treated and begin to grow up. None of this is on you. It is all on him and the authority figure (mom, dad or someone else).
How do you get thru the bad times? Feel the pain, allow it to wash over you and then release it. Find things to keep your mind busy. I did hundreds of jigsaw puzzles in the beginning, as well as becoming a workaholic. When I began to settle down, I started walking and doing fun things again. I came to this forum a month after my xh walked the second time in 7 months and have been here ever since. Why? Because I want to learn as much as I can about MLC, depression, etc. When I first came here, I read every book, met with people who were in crisis or finished up their crisis and visited w/people in shelters to better understand abuse. That's how I got through the tough times.
Amy, you have to decide how you want to deal w/your tough times. Use your time wisely, but have some fun in the process. Just because he's out to lunch, doesn't mean you have to be too. Once you are feeling better, you'll be able to do some things such as take up a hobby, join a social group, etc.
I promise you, it will get better....
Hey, Amy. I'm sorry you had a bad night. Its part of this unwanted surprise package of MLC.
I think we all question whether our S is truly in MLC or if we just were in lala land about our marriages. But really, when you think about it...he not only left you in your time of need, but also his own daughter. Something is not right in his head, whether its MLC brought on by depression and stress, or a miserable marriage. If you can't come up with evidence of a relationship that could never function, I'd go with the former. The thing is, whatever the reason, you still DB if you choose to hang in. You just understand that if its a MLC, it will probably be a longer, crazier ride. Its all your decision. I'm still DBing even though we will be D soon. Not putting my life on hold, not hanging on to every little crumb, but just not shutting the door and walking away. Its your decision and no one else's.
You still have a connection to him through your daughter. Let him see you gorgeous and confident each time. Make eye contact and smile when you see him. Don't volunteer info about yourself or ask anything about him, not even "how are you?" Instead, try "hope you are well". If he talks, take time to listen (actively). Its all in Sandi's rules.
This man fell in love with you and had a child. On top of the normal ups and downs and stresses of marriage and fatherhood, he recently had to find out that he couldn't protect you from everything out there in the world. Part of being your H is feeling responsible for you, and being your protector. I'm sure in some way he feels like he has failed. That's pretty scary, to suddenly realize that things happen to people and he can't do a thing about it (as you well know). So what does he do? Feel shame for his inability to protect and run away so he doesn't have to be responsible for anyone but himself. And then feel shame for leaving. Confusion, stress, shame cycle, anger projected on to others, inability to handle the pain of those you care about, selfishness, depression...voila! MLC.
Its hard as heck. You'll question everything a million times. But really, all that matters is this: what do you want and are you willing to hang tough and DB for it? Because you're going to have to wade through the stinky muck and still somehow find the strength to force yourself to smile, look like you're a serene, confident glowing goddess and move on with a happy life while he works out his issues. And he may never do it. But you have a child together, so at least he can watch you being a rockstar. If he doesn't miss and want that, then he isn't worth your time. Your call, not his.
Amy i'm sorry you had a rough night. Right now just breathe and focus on you and your D. It gets better i promise. You know what i did? as lame as it sounds...i drove..windows down music blaring and i cursed like a sailor at the top of my lungs..My sister and i would play the blame everything on me game..rained..my fault ...light turned red ..my fault...anything and everything was my fault.. It was silly but it helped..............
Breathe ..take a long hot bath..candles..pamper you...right now it is just you..the problems in the marriage can be tackled another day. Focus on you.
I also read alot . Hope you feel better soon
Thank you Tfish, Ciluzen, and Job:
I officially blocked him on social media, just transferred the cell phone billing to him (so i can no longer look), and told him to get car insurance by October 1. I have to see him on Monday and I will be giving him all his sign in passwords for the bills he will have and soon we will be financially separate. Fingers crossed he will honor his promise to pay what he said he would -- child support and health insurance. That with his Corvette car note will make his upcoming living fun!
I plan on standing -- but I can't so close to him. I am officially following the rules now and he is on his own. I love him so much but I can no longer try to help him. His craziness is making me miserable. I truly hope that he does find whatever he needs to be happy ...
Tfish -- love the blame game. I might start that.
Good for you!
And what you say about his craziness making you miserable? As I began to let my h go I began to see that it is actually waayyyy harder/more work and more painful to hold on to this mess.
As others have already pointed out, there is no one way to get through the pain. However, in my opinion, it's best to find some ways or getting the stress and anger out so that you are really tired by the end of the day. This way you are sleeping reasonably well and you're in a better cycle for the next day.
You are doing really well!!
How do you do it HaWho? I have read some of your posts. You are truly a strong woman! Huge hugs to you!!!
Hi AmyTx,
Something that has helped me in the past is what psychologists term 'Sublimation'. It's a healthier and more productive defense mechanism than just venting or taking your anger out on the person who provoked it. In a way, I think this is what tfish08 was doing with the blame game.
I tend to use the gym or sport as a way of redirecting bad/ill feeling regarding my W & OM. Creating art, music or writing are other ways to sublimate during those darker times.
Do you have a hobby to channel yourself into, perhaps something you used to do and could pickup again? Or, find something new via your GAL actions.
Wishing you better days ahead.
That sounds like a wonderful idea. I have been waiting to take up kickboxing with a friend -- but concerned since I had a thoractomy last summer. I have been journaling and writing my H letters that I do not send.
My H came over today and we sat and talked about finances. He recently got a bonus and we paid off several cards that were in my name only. He did state he was still working through issues and is now waiting to file. Before he stated he was filing asap.
I was dressed very nice for a Sunday afternoon at home and listened and was agreeable. I noticed he actually made eye contact more and then decided to take our D to the mall to make up for canceling on her last week. The LBS diet is really starting to show -- plus I recently pampered myself with a mani/pedi and a new hair style.
A friend of mine suggested I treat him as an addict. Be strong and loving -- but never take anything at face value. That is what I thought of the whole time he was here. This is my H -- but right now he is not in control of his actions. He is just looking for his next fix or how to make himself feel better.
Nice job acting "as if." Your friend has the right idea. Like an addict, there really is nothing you can do for him. He needs to figure it out himself.
As for strength, you really are doing well! Keep posting, stay active, mentally occupied and stick with your IC as long as you feel it moves you forward. You too will become stronger through this.
So -- I guess I will update on my GAL. On Friday I was invited to dinner at a local church where I attend my support class. My daughter and I went and had a wonderful time meeting new people. On Saturday, we were invited to an event that my H would be at, but I decided I did not want to go. So instead I took my D to the Melting Pot and we enjoyed the cheese course and the chocolate course. It was nice time of bonding. We also visited a new church on Sunday (my H decided a few years ago to pull us from church). We liked the church, but I think we will visit the one again that sponsors my support group. Then we leave Thursday for NM to enjoy the balloon festival with family. My H hates flying so we never flew anywhere. This will be my D's first air plane trip -- and maybe a start to more travels in the future.
I am also praying more -- daily for my H and his safety, my D for the events of this MLC to be minimal on her, and for me to heal, grow, and see the path I need to take in the future. I found that if I try to look to far into the future, I get overwhelmed. Taking it day by day!
I am also praying more -- daily for my H and his safety, my D for the events of this MLC to be minimal on her, and for me to heal, grow, and see the path I need to take in the future. I found that if I try to look to far into the future, I get overwhelmed. Taking it day by day!
I know for me this is about all we can do. I pray for continued guidance and if you do this on a day by day basis it seems that He will never allow you to get to far off the path He as set forth for you.
Thank you CaliGuy! That is my hope to stay on His path. I know I'll be okay if I am alone -- or if my H returns.
Can't believe I made it one month since he moved out. I still cry several times a day, but I am sleeping better. So win win!
Today he opened his own checking account and we will finish splitting our finances within the next few weeks. Never would I image that this is where I be. And yay I turn 42 next week and our 17th anniversary is in a few weeks. I thought we had a good marriage -- just rocky the last couple of years. I hate him for doing this and I hate the way I feel all the time about myself and I hate that I still love him so much. The pain is just so unbearable at times. I am writing here because I want nothing else but to call him. BUT ... I won't.
I leave on Thursday to go to the balloon festival in NM. I have never been and I'm taking my 'good' camera. I decide that photography is something that I have always enjoyed and I want to work on that as a hobby.
My mother also introduced me to a friend of hers who went through a MLC a few years ago. Her H came back and they survived! Yay for them. That is my hope, but I'm afraid if I wish for it too much, I'll be disappointed. The few friends I have told -- tell me I need to file ASAP to protect myself and my daughter. But I can't ... I want to keep trying to save our marriage -- but I feel so weak and too close to the beginning. I can't image going through this for years.
I know I cannot fix him and I know that we are separated because of him and I know he needs to work this out himself --- but this so damn hard!!! Guess I better work on me some more!
Okay -- sorry for my post above. I need to remover to stay away from drinking when I am sad.
Today, I will focus on my blessings:
1. I have a great job (better than my H's) and my managers are very supportive of me and are allowing me to take breaks as I need. I have had the same job for 16 years -- where he has always bounced around.
2. I am still living in my home and my H does not want it. He now hates the area. We live outside a large city and he has moved into the city.
3. I have a loving D that just got straight A's on her progress report -- even though her life was turned upside down last month.
4. My H just gave me his bonus and almost all my credit card debt has been paid off. I also ordered new cards that no longer have him as an authorized user.
5. I have a very supportive network of friends and family. Although I am afraid they will get tired of me rehashing the same stuff over and over again.
6. I have found a wonderful IC who is amazing and a great support group that meets every Wednesday.
7. My household chores are now 1/2 what they used to be -- and I no longer worry that my H will decide to just go and blow $500 without telling me (my paycheck is now going into my own account).
8. I have lost almost 25lbs since he told me. About 20 more and I will be at the weight I was when we married, when I was 25.
I will think of more later! I hope each and everyone of your have a great day!
Amy
Breathe. All that up there ^^ good stuff and a better place to focus on than the alternative right?
About the weight thing .. I too lost a ton, 30 total pounds all said and felt good but horrible if you know what I mean. Unfortunately I put 20 of it back on .... kinda snuck up on me but I want to drop that 20 and this fat kid loves food so the struggle is always real
Its good you are getting your finances in order, I think for any LBS of a MLCr this is paramount ... things are stressful enough with all this one should lock the money down if at all possible.
Amy just know ... this is a long haul, best thing you really can do is turn your focus inward as impossible as that will be on days. Be the rock, for your D, yourself, and when if he ever needs it your H. Somewhere here there is a saying "I might quit .. but not today" ... this does get easier with time I promise you.
Hi Amy,
Now this is what I call PMA! I too have bad days but today is a good one and like you am telling myself what I have.
I actually lost H as I knew him over two years ago, even though he's only physically left six months ago.
I have a roof over my head, (while he pays the mortgage!) two fantastic children, lost weight and look better than I have in years and I like myself for the first time ever.
H was always the nice guy and I was always the not so nice one. Not anymore!
What has he got? A girlfriend and fat........
Okay -- sorry for my post above. I need to remover to stay away from drinking when I am sad.
Today, I will focus on my blessings:
1. I have a great job (better than my H's) and my managers are very supportive of me and are allowing me to take breaks as I need. I have had the same job for 16 years -- where he has always bounced around.
2. I am still living in my home and my H does not want it. He now hates the area. We live outside a large city and he has moved into the city.
3. I have a loving D that just got straight A's on her progress report -- even though her life was turned upside down last month.
4. My H just gave me his bonus and almost all my credit card debt has been paid off. I also ordered new cards that no longer have him as an authorized user.
5. I have a very supportive network of friends and family. Although I am afraid they will get tired of me rehashing the same stuff over and over again.
6. I have found a wonderful IC who is amazing and a great support group that meets every Wednesday.
7. My household chores are now 1/2 what they used to be -- and I no longer worry that my H will decide to just go and blow $500 without telling me (my paycheck is now going into my own account).
8. I have lost almost 25lbs since he told me. About 20 more and I will be at the weight I was when we married, when I was 25.
I will think of more later! I hope each and everyone of your have a great day!
These are great things. Always count your blessings. Do it every day. Detach and do more GAL activities. You'll find that you're still a fun person and you're happy. What did you dream of doing when you were young? I know there are some things you wanted to do with your life that you put on hold or let go of because of marriage.
We all make sacrifices in marriage. Now you don't have to. You can do whatever you want. Salsa dancing? Hang gliding? Scuba diving? Running? Zumba class? Learn to play the cello? Whatever. Anything you want. It's your life and you answer to no one. Especially not him, he wanted off your team and you only plan your comings and goings with your team. Spend more time actively doing GAL and having fun, and less time crying and lamenting your marriage. Force yourself to refocus your thinking. Counting your blessings is a good thing to do. Keep it up.
I am really trying. I am trying to rebuild my self esteem and trying to remember that I used to be fun. I just cannot imagine a future without him being in it. I am sure that will get easier with time.
I feel like a child -- throwing a tantrum that it's not fair. This is not what my future was suppose to be like. But then I remember that life is not fair. I was so secure and set in my marriage -- I did not realize my H was leaving me.
I know this is all about him .. But I can't help feeling I was part of the blame. Like if I had tried to help him or be more supportive ... I could see a change in him the last few months. He was so angry and mad. He blamed work -- and I just believed him. He grew more selfish and everything was about him. He was no longer affectionate and I felt unloved for the first time in our whole marriage. This all started after his dad died in January of this year. When he went to notify his mother of his dad's passing -- he found out she had died in October 2015. That is how messed up his family is .. And his mother had cut ties with him when she found out she had cancer. Plus I'm still recovering from my cancer.
I don't want the man he is now -- I mourn the man I married. I turn 42 in 2 days and now I fear this is the way my life will be. I know that before this -- any issue I had I had complete faith I would pull through. This is the first time I do not feel like I can make it.
Amy,
Breathe! You are stronger than you think. Sure, you could have been more supportive and pretzeled yourself into knots trying to make him happy, but the bottom line is this, he would still have had his crisis whether he was w/you, another woman or single. You had a lot on your plate yourself and your health issue took a toll on you and your focus had to be on beating the cancer and recovering.
Amy, you have to have faith and believe that things will work out. It may not be the way you want it to work out, but no one knows how your situation will play out. Don't look too far ahead, keep your focus on today, tomorrow or even next week. The past is gone, the present is a gift to use wisely and the future is not ours to see just yet.
You will get through this...but you need to mourn and that takes time.
Thank you Job. Great advice! I'm at a family reunion and it's just hard dealing with all the questions. I feel stronger when I am home in my daily routine. And I think it is hard seeing couples in my family interact. Remembering that is the way we used to be -- just not the last year or so.
It's just hard because like everyone else on this forum -- I honored my vows, I respected and loved my husband, I worked hard in the home and at my outside job, I was a good mother. But when people hear your husband leaves you -- it's always your fault.
Amy,
If people are asking questions, you can always say that you would prefer not to talk about it at this time and let's just enjoy the family reunion for now. I know how it is when you are sitting there and observing couples and how they are interacting w/each other. It does bring back a lot of memories, but keep the happy memories close and pull them out of the box periodically and know that it wasn't all bad. Okay?
Yes, I do understand that people will think it's your fault, but you know what? You can't control what other people think and you don't owe them an explanation about what is going on in your situation. The only person and feelings you can control are you and your own feelings. Many of those same people will put two and two together and come up w/four as time passes.
Don't allow them to push you to move on. They don't understand MLC and until they walk a mile in your shoes, they won't understand, they mean well, but they don't understand. They just want you to be happy and get over the situation quickly. They don't realize that what's happened is just as bad as someone dying unexpectedly.
Amy, you are stronger than you think. Have faith in yourself and the man upstairs.
I remember feeling such shame when My xh left and it was very hard to talk about with people ,except the women who had been through it
I think most people also understand ,so they won't bring it up
but it definitely hurt for a while especially seeing couples together and children and fathers
While its true, others may not always totally understand and no one really believes MLC is real until you experience it first hand-
WE know the truth, but they do see a strong woman picking up the pieces..People respect that-I
Today..It no longer hurts..I like my freedom and being a single working Mom -
Never thought I would.
..Many LBS do seem to turn their lives around for the better despite the MLC
Hi AmyTx! I recently joined the MLC forum and just caught up with your thread.
I like everyone else am sorry that you find yourself here but I think you are doing great considering you are not long post BD. My H dropped the bomb between Xmas and NY 2015 and after a hellish 5 months eventually moved out at the end of May. I have only just started to feel human again in the last two weeks! If you check out my threads on Newcomers you will see how I ruminated, tied myself up in so many knots and the amount of tantrums I wanted to throw! I just felt so stuck in my own misery and pain I couldn't find a way out. All I really wanted to do was call H and shout down the phone 'I don't want to play this game anymore!'. So I know where you are coming from on the tantrum side!
I cried literally every day from the day he left and if it was the weekend all day. During the week I used to come home in my lunch hour and collapse in heap on the floor like I didn't have a single bone in my body and sob my heart out. Then put my makeup back on go back to work and cry in front of my two male heads of department! But as everyone says on here it will get better, I can go a whole day without crying sometimes now!
That knot in my stomach has now gone and my appetite is slowly returning. I know longer feel like I need my H to come home as I can cope with most things on my own and the two weeks I have gone dark has really helped. I would still love for my H to come home though.
I know you don't want this, none of us chose to have to go through this but at the end of the day we either get dragged Into their circus or we go on our own journey of discovery. I'm slowly getting there and you will soon I promise.....
Job -- you are so right. I can't control what people think. And I'm discovering I'm a people pleaser so this is an issue I need to resolve. Today I dwelt on the fact that my H was my best friend and knew my deepest secrets for 17+ years. I have never been closer to another human being and he left me. And today is my birthday -- he texted twice about needed cash out of our joint acct -- but that was all.
Peace -- I hope I get there .. When it no longer hurts. I am working to fix my issues and hope something good will come out of this MLC. All I can see is the wrong I have done. But I know it is my self esteem. Everyone keeps telling me I'm better off, but I just want him back. Lol. I don't want to be better off, I want the pain to stop. In my heart, I know I don't want his evil selfish twin .. But I just miss him desperately.
Hi Coly -- so sorry to hear you too have been experiencing this. I am trying the best I can. I am so glad to have found this forum or I would have lost it already. My head hurts from crying so much the last few days. I was doing much better .. But I guess I have cycled backwards.
AmyTx,
We all cycle and we all have those moments when we are picking ourselves up off the floor but those times do get fewer and occur further apart.
Just when I was moving forward, gaining momentum, bam! My best friend, unjustly, raises a Court order against me & I face possible eviction from the family home. It set me back & took a while to recover but I did, and I feel like I have grown a little more from the experience.
In spite of everything that is going on, happy birthday! Hope you have a little treat in store for yourself today.
Wishing you a great day and better times ahead.
Happy Birthday! Do something extra special for yourself today.
Thanks Job and HTM. I did have a nice dinner and a surprise party last night with my family. I was so emotional that I actually started crying. LOL! Yay me!
I had my weekly meeting with my IC today and even though she does not quite believe in a MLC crisis -- she did state that she believes the 40's are quite tough. We talked for a bit and then she stated she would help to make me stronger -- for whatever happens in life. She even gave me some reading homework-- The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.
I had one of my H's friends -- the one that helped him move out -- send me a message yesterday. He mentioned that he pointed out the mistakes my H was making -- but stated he knew my H had to figure it out for himself. I appreciated the fact that he reached out to me and that he stated he wished there was something he could do to help. It appears that others are starting to see. We have only told a few friends -- but I am sure more will find out eventually.
Ugh .. so mad at myself.
So I was in a text conversation with my H this afternoon. He is picking up D from school and we were setting up pickup times. He replied that he was truly happy. H also said he backed off the "tween" that he has been having an EA with -- so he could devote more time to our D. Since today is the first time he setup to pick her up or see her in 2 weeks, this must be recent.
H is also planning on moving his direct deposit in November (was suppose to do it this month) and then we can finalize the bills. I am still paying everything since his condo is rent free until January and he is putting his check in our joint account (my check has been going into my own account since he left). Also, he wants to start the "big D" stuff after the holidays.
H replied with the fact that he was sorry, but he will take care of anything I needed. I know I should not have .. but I replied .. "I am just reminding you that I'm not done fighting for us. If you and I both make changes -- our marriage would be amazing.". He replied OK.
AmyTx - I'm sure no harm was done. I haven't read back but I'm sure he knew already that you were wanting him to come home so I doubt that would have pushed him further into the tunnel. It's tough leaving them to journey alone - I know that full well myself. In my case I have had absolute silence from my W since August 26th (I just checked) and that was just with regards to our NetFlix password.
Try to stay positive and keep with the generally neutral tone. What I try to do is to come here and flush my thoughts and worries about W into journal posts just like yours above. It helps me find a spot to sweep those thoughts out of my head and into a safe place.
Thank you Andrew:
I just feel him moving further and further away. Which is what I guess they should do. How do you survive each day? I am trying to find hobbies, I see an IC, and I'm part of a support group.
BUT the truth is -- I never imagined I would be here .. without him .. and he would tell me he was happy. I thought we would grow old and I thought the fun times were on their way since our D was getting older. I guess I live in a fantasy world.
Amy you are being to hard on yourself. Give yourself some slack. My ex said the same thing. He is so happy. Their happiness is very short lived. It is their way of blaming us for their issues and not face them.
You get through a minute at a time..it grows to five ..etc..it gets easier.
I just feel him moving further and further away. Which is what I guess they should do. How do you survive each day? I am trying to find hobbies, I see an IC, and I'm part of a support group.
BUT the truth is -- I never imagined I would be here .. without him .. and he would tell me he was happy. I thought we would grow old and I thought the fun times were on their way since our D was getting older. I guess I live in a fantasy world.
They do move further away which is why we have to detach. Its not out of anger nor spite its just simply is loving them enough to let them walk down that steep trail alone. While they are on that trail we should probably check things out, follow the main trail and see what kind of beauty is there, they may catch up ... they may not
You make it through one day at a time, days become weeks, weeks months and with MLC yes ... years do happen. I look back at FB when it posts that "3/4/5 years ago you posted _____" and I stare in shock, was a different life back then, I was a totally different person and TBH, I would not trade it. I labeled it Cali 2.0 and he is much much better than the original.
You will get there, you have a really good chance to work on yourself .... do watch how much of 'this' you submerge yourself in .. it can help but taking a walk or a run does WONDERS trust me.
Thank you Andrew:
I just feel him moving further and further away. Which is what I guess they should do. How do you survive each day?
AmyTx - I echo the answer from CaliGuy at least in part.
I just try to take it one day at a time. I literally some mornings when I wake up try to decide if today is the day that I'll give up. Today wasn't and tomorrow probably isn't either. CaliGuy talks about years which I find just plain depressing so I don't look out that far. I look out one day at a time. I am getting a bit stronger and can now look out a number of weeks and for some things months into the future but still it comes down to one day at a time.
There is no timeline or deadline to these things either. It began before he left and may well still be going when he comes back - that's only part of the journey they are on. Ideally they complete the journey on their own though from what I've read. You'll need to be the best you can be and be strong for when he returns.
One thing I discovered recently that I don't know if you saw on my last thread or not thanks to a reference by SH_ is something called the Stockdale Paradox. To me what it means is that I can tell myself that I'll make it through this, I don't know how and I don't know when but I'll make it through and be a stronger and better person coming out the other side. The paradox part is that it's the optimists who put dates and expectations and timelines who don't make it. Multiple disappointments drive their spirits down and they give up. So be a bit of a pessimist and optimistically know that you'll get through this a better person and that if you are patient and your H completes he journey and looks up he'll see you there as a shining beacon welcoming him home.
Thanks for the advice CaliGuy and Andrew. I am normally an optimist, but for some reason I have lost by hope.
The last few days have been rough -- but today is a little better. I do have to go see my H today to pick up our puppies. He was watching them while my D and I went to NM for the balloon festival. I will be as beautiful as I can be after a long day at work and I will be pleasant. He was suppose to bring them to me when he had a loaner -- but he got his corvette out of the shop early. So sad that the car is only a 2 seater. 1 puppy is around 40 pounds and the other is almost a 100.
I also went to the oncologist today -- an no more 6 month checks ups. I am officially moved to yearly check ups. Yay -- so excited!
Congratulations on no more 6 month checkups! That's great news.
So, how did you enjoy the balloon festival? I love NM and the festival! Been there twice and it's always fun.
What type of puppies do you have that weigh 40 and almost 100 pounds?
Thank you Job!
Yes .. it was my first festival and last weekend had perfect weather. We did a glow and it was amazing!!! Alburquerque was beautiful!!
We have a lab rescue mix and a catahoula cur. I get them both for the next two months and then my H will take the catahoula. The catahoula was my H's originally but he became my puppy bc I had to bottle feed. so I will miss him.
The catahoula is 2 and weighs close to 100. The lab mix is really no longer a puppy, but is to me. She is 3.
Okay .. So this is just a frustrated post and a way to get my feelings out.
My H and I have always lived in the 'burbs of a large city. It was both our choice because he hated being in town. Now he has moved into the 'city' and has a rent free furnished condo until January. Tonight was the first night for me to go to the condo .. But my D has stayed a few times.
The condo is really nice .. And he now he has his corvette .. And living in town. My friends tell me he is constantly flirting on FB with anything with breasts ...
How can I .. His 42 year old wife who lives out in the 'burbs every compare with that. He has got everything .. Until he has to make that first month rent. Between child support, his rent, and his vette .. He will have no money left. Champagne dreams on a kook aid budget.
Do any of these men ever come back .. Or do they just stay with their dream?
Okay .. New day and new insight. I need to make a plan to really start healing and recovering.
The last 2 months have gone by in a blur and I have not really been living, but just barely holding on. Time to really figure out what I WANT. I love my H dearly -- but I cannot continue to focus on his journey. I know several of you have already told me this -- but just like my H -- I had to figure it our myself.
I need to be stronger, I need to love myself again, and I need to find what I can do to make myself happy. My D is watching me and I need to be an example for her. Wish me luck as I begin trying to navigate being a single mom while my H plays in La La Land ....
I wish you luck Amy, you are a strong woman and you will get through this.
Amy,
Don't think for one minute that he has everything. Yes, it looks like he does...but really, it's nothing more than material objects. Eventually he will tire of where he's at and what he has. Give it time.
You have to remember that you are the prize and no one can beat that!
Hang in there!
Also, it's time to start a new thread. I think I've tripped the reply count to 102. I'm going to lock this thread and after you create a new thread, I'll be happy to include the new thread link here for you.
Amy - I ditto Job.
For those who have limited or no contact, I promise you, the MLCer is in tremendous turmoil. I can attest to the fact that, the nights are particularly brutal for them. These are not happy people.
I am sorry to say this, but no matter how spectacular his condo/city life is, no top shelf woman is going to be attracted to who he is today. Once a quality woman discovers the decisions he has made recently, she will be smart enough to probe a bit further and then she will run. That's why they affair down. They have to do so. It's all they can attract.
I admire the fact that you are focusing on being an inspiration to your daughter. Keep going. And, so glad to hear about your scan results!! Woo hoo! What will you do to celebrate?