How are you doing today Cid?
Hi Cid
I do not post often anymore….way to busy living life and having fun. I do check in from time to time and did notice your thread.
Here is what I see….
Controlling. That's the main thing I believe. Which I am to some degree.
You posted this ^^^^ on 8/18 at 4:42pm.
Then I noticed that you posted on another poster thread….a suggestion that they praise his wife.
I have an opinion on the matter. Before I explain my view I want to ask you a few questions…..
1) Why do you praise your wife?
Two days before she left we celebrated our son's birthday at a water park and the day before we ate dinner with friends all happily.
2) Did you ever ask your W if she was happy or did YOU assume it?
The trigger was our daughter becoming 7. She had to get divorced because her parents got divorced when she was 7.
3) Do you make a lot of assumptions? If so, why?
Another question…
4) How would YOU define controlling? What does it look like to YOU?
When can I expect to see some improvements? Maybe after the divorce is finalized? Maybe after a year from BD?
Are you in a rush?
Often things that impact others take a lot more time than what WE may want. How do you plan to deal with this?
Who are you mach1?
What is your story?
Why should I listed to you?
I figured I would help answer this question…..
CLD = registered 6/6/16 – 211 total posts
Mach = Registered 11/4/08 – 3,886 posts
See the difference?
Continuing with my questions….
At least you could have a timeline like everyone else. I am not going to play Sherlock Holmes.
5) Did you talk to YOUR wife this way? Were sarcastic towards her?
I am self employed and I am very successful in what I am doing, and through the years I have learned to take advice only from the people that have achieved results and really know they are talking about.
6) Would you say that you can sometime be a bit arrogant? This is a question…not an accusation.
Nothing, I will wait patiently for the Affair to end.
7) Why would you wait “patiently”?
Actually I think that she already had an Affair that lasted only a few months and now she is single again.
See question 3. Is this another assumption OR do you know this for a fact?
I’ll back later to see what your response are.
I think your response will help you see some things that honestly are not always visible.
Jack please let me know which males have been waiting here for more than 3 years for instance and I will follow their thread.
Not hi-jacking Andrews thread, so I'll do this here.
Jack please let me know which males have been waiting here for more than 3 years for instance and I will follow their thread.
You're looking for the magic bullet, you think that these guys who have waited longer than 3 years have the secret.
Here is the secret:
The guys who stayed married, did the same exact things that those who didn't stay married. They worked on themselves and waited, not waited doing nothing, waited and GALed.
They saw the problems in themselves that was a part of their marriage falling apart.
This isn't ALL the MLCer, that's not what you want to hear, but its true. We all, all of us, screwed up a part of our marriage. The successful ones worked on the problems they brought to it, whether or not they stayed married.
The ones who stayed married, hell most of them at the end almost didn't want to, but they did.
Find them yourself. They are in the archives. A lot of them don't post anymore because they put their time in and being here is a reminder of a bad time in their life.
It's really hard to help someone who thinks they know everything.
I'll leave you alone here, but I'm going to say something on other's people threads if you are givingthem bad or arrogant advice.
Hi CLD is your wife from Italy also? Just wondering. My parents are from that part of the world.
Cld,
I recently saw this in another thread over in the Newcomers forum:
Hi Brian,
Your wife's behavior is very strange.
Can you tell us more about her childhood please? In particular I would like to know if her parents got divorced, who filed for divorce, how old she was when that happened and any other traumatic experience during her childhood.
It seems you keep asking the same question over and over to other posters which brings me to ask you this: how's that helping YOU?
Or more to the point:
Are you just gathering some "research" material for your as yet to be 'written' book on how you allegedly "saved your M" by trolling other threads? My point here is that your M isn't saved--YET.
This makes no sense at all given that you have NOT yet grasped the most basic DB principles, putting them in actual practice, or truly take in the advice offered in your own threads. You are just a newbie and you've jumped to the "my M will be saved" song without putting in the hard work on yourself and your shortcomings. Makes my head scratch. Kinda like you telling people that you will run the 100 meter race at the 2020 Olympics without logging in training hours.
It is akin to putting the horse before the cart. You are getting ahead of yourself.
SLOW down. Go back and re-read the homework links Cadet provided along with advice/comments RIGHT here in your own threads. They all are valuable guideposts for you.
Let's focus on the Cld program.
-what are you doing about your controlling ways?
-what are your GAL activities
-what are your own reflections on your own behaviors and patterns that have contributed to the M breakdown
-take an honest inventory of what you liked and didn't like about the M
-what are your core values as a person
There's more....for now I'll stop and let you marinade over this post.
Wonka please stop posting on my thread. I do not value your advice.
Cld,
I don't know if you realize just how controlling you are. You're throwing away alot of good advice from others because it seems like you are not willing to accept anyone's views that you feel don't fit into your own.
Let's put it this way. You THOUGHT you knew your W. You THOUGHT you knew what she wanted. You THOUGHT she was happy. You were WRONG on all counts. And now you're here with everyone else.
Maybe what YOU think isn't working.
I also think you've been and continue to be rude to a number of people who have been trying to help you. No one here gets paid to give advice and they all have been in your shoes. They deserve the same respect as you. Dismissing them as if you were Lord above all others is what makes you arrogant. Like I said, humility will help.
And I would say that your very high percentage stat of D'd women get D'd themselves is abnormally high and statistically impossible. If that were the case, exponentially, there wouldn't be any M'd women at all. In fact, the latest statistices show the D rate is actually going down.
But it all comes down to what you want to do. You can save your M and make it better than ever, but it won't be coming from you not changing.
CLD-
I almost never post anymore - and I can't believe I'm getting sucked in here - but here goes..
First of all - I doubt you have any interest in what I have to say because I'm a woman who didn't save her marriage - but I have been employed as a statistician and data miner at various points in my (successful) career, so there's that......
Dude- as bluntly as it can be said - you are casually tossing off some of the very best advice you could be getting. I can't believe the number of people who have taken the time to post detailed, thoughtful, meaningful advice to you. It's such a gift and you're just throwing it away.
Much like Wonka - I have wondered what you are even doing here - you don't seem open to anyone else's point of view, seem entrenched in your own plan to save your marriage (which appears to consist of waiting and praising your wife) and keep repeating things that have not been said - such as people encouraging you to date someone else. FYI, GAL stands for "Get a Life" not "Get a Lady".
Finally I have to ask - you clearly have a high opinion of yourself, are a self proclaimed successful real estate entrepreneur, claim to look 10 years younger than you are, casually insult whole groups of people, and double down when people call you on it, disregard good advice from people with more experience than you and cling to simple solutions to complex problems.
Donald, is that you?
Please leave me alone. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it.
Go away.
Hi CLD,
Hope you are feeling good. I don't believe I've posted on your thread before. I am an avid reader, but don't have much to post to others. I found divorce remedy the day before I moved out of my house well over a year ago; And was exposed to this community shortly thereafter. I read tons and tons and tons and I still do (sometimes I check in here multiple times a day). Not because I'm nosey, but because I continue to learn from everyone else's situations. So many of us have been crushed to smithereens by our ex's. In sharing our stories we become even more vulnerable and sometimes we can feel scrutinized.... But the truth is, this really is a safe space. For all of us participating, theres a lot of emotional work that happens behind the scenes in our real lives and I have no doubt that you are processing things in your way.
I rarely post to others because I have minimal contact with my wh. I really can't give advice.... Only encouragement. We have a mere seconds of interactions each week and I have no idea what does work and what doesn't work in terms of DB protocol. I have been DBing solo for over a year as he's never given me any breadcrumbs or shown any interest in working things out or even talking things through. He's still hell bent on the fact that we should have never gotten married..... And yet I finally got to place where that doesn't derail me for the rest of the day. You've heard it before and I'll say it again... DBing is all about saving yourself. It's a one man show from here on out, CLD. There's absolutely nothing you can do to convince your wife otherwise. You can only work on yourself an be the best CLD possible for you and your kids.
With that, I want to be a friend and let you know how lucky you are to have these DB legends reach out on your thread. When I saw posts by J3B, Mr Bond, Wonka, Ericsmants, and others, I immediately clicked on your thread to see what they had to say. They are like unicorns these days and rarely spotted! Their comments and advise are coming from a place of experience. They know what they are talking about! I would have loved some 2x4s from them. (And as you know, 2x4s are par for the course here in our community.... It's just a form of tough love.... And it really does come from a place of compassion)
I remember when I posted in newcomers, Sandi made some comments on my threads. I must say, I got palpitations when I had seen her response. Why? Because she's been there and done that. She's come out the other side and has experience and pearls to share. We haven't come out the other side yet... We're not even close. We're still in the thick of things. I personally would feel so fortunate to have a virtual friend, like these fine humans, reach out to me and say, "hey, I've been down this street before.... Here's how you can try to navigate the terrain"
The vets are our lifelines!
So, why am I rambling now? Because, I too care about you and your marriage/ wife and I want you to come out of this with everything you hope for. I want to whisper in your ear and tell you that you have the best of the best coming out of the forest to help you and offer advice. You are so fortunate!!! They can't tell you what to do... They can only offer a different perspective. It's up to you if you want to hear it or not. Again... Sometimes it's difficult to get the 2x4s.... But it does come from a place of compassion.
I Apologize for the ramble. As someone who is trying to DB right along side you, I just wanted to reach out and remind you that this is part of DBing and a result of putting our situations out there. I hope you have a nice day CLD and I'm rooting for you.
Bon giorno CLD. I think many of us are confused as to what you are seeking. Do you want to save your marriage? Or are you looking for support for something else?
Rick,
I am looking for people that share my values and my values are:
1. I am going to wait for my wife to come back until death do us part.
2. I am not going to look for a girlfriend
3. I am always going to praise my wife in front of the children no matter what.
4. I am not going to pursue my wife, I will just wait for her to pursue me.
5. I will get a life on my terms, when I want, how I want it.
If somebody doesn't agree with my values, they shouldn't post on my thread because my values are not negotiable. Once I ask people to leave me alone, they should respect that and stop posting on this thread.
Not listening to people who don't see things or do exactly as you do is called IGNORANCE. What you listed above are not values. Values are lost on you.
If you treated your wife as disrespectfully as you do to the posters here who gave up their free time, their patience with you, their valuable insight, well, there is no shock she left. She saved herself.
Enjoy waiting around. it will be for the rest of your life if you remain as ignorant and disrespectful as you have proven yourself to be.
Ginger please stop posting on my thread. I do not value your advice.
Cld
Chiming in on your thread as I have been reading along what has been unfolding so far.
Oh dear, you have really upset some of the greats and that will put other posters off from visiting you. The point of being here on this board is to find the help and support you will need to get you through this time, so please try not to alienate people, they are only trying to help you.
I know you will probably not listen to me, but you asked for my story, I gave it and you jumped on it, its what you have been seeking out, the hope and possibility - what you don't seem to realise is the hard work I did on myself during the time my h was gone from my life. I did a lot of internal work, seeing that I had a lot of issues myself, parts of me I really did not like, I had lost myself in my marriage.
I did not sit around "waiting" for my h to return, I left him alone to get on with his life and started to rebuild mine. I was very fortunate to stumble across this board and with advice and guidance from the vets and those who are further down the road from me, with support and kindness from those who joined around the same time, I have rebuilt my life, I have become a stronger, better and happier person. I am extremely grateful and humbled by the love and support I get from the wonderful people here.
One thing I do know for sure is if I had remained the same person as my h left, he would not have returned to my life. I strongly urge you to look at this time apart from your w as a gift, its a chance to look inward at yourself and really do some soul searching, you are not perfect, the sooner you accept this better.
From what I have observed you seem to have swallowed a MLC encyclopedia, backed up by some dodgy research papers seemingly written by a high school student. I would advise that you dont believe everything you read and certainly don't offer your information as advice to others - when you are new to here, you are raw and broken, so being given information that is incorrect or being given false hope, is not kind.
May I ask, why are you here? What would like to achieve from being on this board? I ask out of interest, as you seem to push back and tell everyone they are wrong all the time, so I am a little confused as to what you are seeking if you know all the answers already ......
LouR,
Did you find a new man?
Wonka, I do not value your advice, please stop posting on this thread.
Yeah, my husband, ha ha, he is a new man lol
LouR,
We do not share the same values, I will wait for my wife to come back until death do us part, I will not remarry.
Please stop posting on my thread.
To answer your question - no I did not get in to another relationship. I was too broken, I would have messed it up. I accepted that my m was over, my h had moved on with someone else, but I was not ready for a relationship, I needed to do the work on myself first. I needed to build an independent life so that I became a singular person again.
Excuse me !!!!! Who said I have re married ???
Apology please ......
LouR,
So you are saying that you did reconcile?
If this is the case you are very welcome here and I do apologize for misunderstanding.
Cld,
If someone is posting to you and you do not like the advice, then ignore it. I received a notification that you want me to take some kind of action because a poster has continued to post to you after you requested that this person not do so. As a moderator, I can't ban posters from posting to your thread. At the rate you are going, asking people not to post on your thread, you are going to end up w/no one posting to you.
You are here seeking advice and you have some of the best posters posting to you including the ones that you've requested that they not post to you again. Sometimes what posters post to us hurts us and makes us look at ourselves in the mirror, but the fact of the matter is...when something hits a nerve, generally it means we need to work on those areas. All of the posters can't be wrong w/the advice that they've given you. I suggest that you re-read what everyone has posted to you since the first day you arrived on the forum. Take what you can apply to your situation and ignore the rest.
Lou,
How long were you apart with your husband?
I have great respect for women who value their marriage and care about the family, you are a great person.
Excuse me !!!!! Who said I have re married ???
Apology please ......
Lou,
Don't be offended.
It is now VERY apparent that he is just using this site to troll people for his "research subjects" for his so-called book based on the aforementioned 'values' when, in actually, they are criteria for research subjects based on the types of questions posed here and in other threads.
So freaking transparent!
Wonka please stop posting here, that's the 4th time I am asking you.
Cld,
You tend to "assume" things w/o really reading what people are telling you. For example, Lou posted to you on your previous thread and provided info about her situation, including the fact that her h was coming back to live w/her. Then, I see on this thread, you've jumped the gun and assumed she isn't reconciling w/her h and you now want her to cease posting to you. Please, for the love of man, start reading and comprehending what people are posting before you come out w/insensitive comments and/or asking people to stop posting to you. The forum is about life and the people who have experienced situations similar to yours. This is an open forum and anyone can post their thoughts and comments on the threads as long as it is within reason. We don't always like to hear what they have to say and that's when you ignore the postings. If the comments sting, maybe there's some truth in what the posters are getting from your postings. If so, then you need to step back and think long and hard about the comments and ask why they would say such things.
Your apologies are not coming across as being sincere and just a passing thought when you are called on what you've posted to them and/or about them. Respect is a two way street on the forum as well as in the real world. In order to gain respect, you need to show it to others. If you want to be treated a certain way, then you need to do the same to them as well. Cld, I suggest that you be mindful of what you post to others. People are hurting, just like you and some of your "assumptions/comments" are uncalled for and can be construed as insensitive and arrogant, and they do tend to pour salt into old wounds. If you don't want people saying things that are hurtful, etc., then stop posting those assumptions/comments to them. Again, respect is a two way street everywhere in this world.
Now, let's circle back to something I posted to you on your previous thread. Why? Because I do think that there is more going on in your situation than you have shared. The posters, as well as I myself, want to help you, but unless you work w/us, you are going to continue going in circles chasing your tail.
So, here's what I posted: "Generally when they say we are controlling, they can also tend to point out that we are manipulative, stubborn, condescending, don't listen, judgmental, determined to have our way and we want to always be right and we always want the last word in any conversation or discussion. Has your wife ever stated that you don't value you her as an equal partner because she's a woman? If you don't feel comfortable answering the above, I do understand. These examples are just a few of what some of the MLCers will toss out for justification."
In the last few days, the posters have mentioned a few of the above traits have been revealed in your postings. Are these the traits that your wife has issues with?
Wonka, I realize Cld opened a can of worms when he made his "assumed" comments about you. I know it annoyed you to no end, but would you please do me a favor and stop posting to Cld? I have removed several of your postings to try to keep the peace. One day, he will wish that he had listened to your advice, but he's not ready to admit he's got a lot of hard work to do on himself. Until the student is ready to learn, the teacher needs to sit it out just a wee bit and watch him struggle.
Job,
I am completely done with offering Cld advice. Also noticed that one of my posts was recently deleted--the one in response to Ginger. Wonder why as none of it was offensive nor any swear words were used. Why is it okay for Cld to call someone c@nt and not for me to post a PG-rated post calling out Cld's offensive behavior?
Consistency please mods....
Thanks,
Wonka
Wonka,
I'm sorry, I deleted. I'm going to go back to his other thread and delete what he had posted about you.
I have now deleted his comment. If there are any other comments that he has made about you, please let me know and I'll be happy to delete them as well.
Job,
No, never.
I do respect positive women and my wife was always one of them.
She was my best friend, and I never criticized her.
In fact I often thought that she was a better person than me.
When I say that I apologize to Lou, I mean it, she is a positive woman and I value her feedback.
Thank you very much for bringing the message to Wonka,
I appreciate it.
Cld,
Quite frankly, I didn't see anything wrong w/what Wonka posted to you. You over stepped yourself in your previous thread by making "assumptions" about her. Then, when she basically came here and did the same thing to you, you didn't like. So, again, be mindful of the posters' feelings and think before you post your comments. Before you post, ask yourself if your response will offend/hurt someone. Writing can be interpreted differently than what you meant.
If I read postings and I think that they are fine, I'm going to leave them. Why? Because we can ALL learn something from them.
Cld, you have a lot to learn about how to communicate w/people. You need to be a good listener, sensitive to their plights and yes, don't put your foot in your mouth any more than you have to.
One last thing, if I read any more of your "assumptions" about people, I'm going to point it out to you and then I'm going to censor your postings. Just remember, what goes around, comes around and sometimes, you aren't going to like the consequences of your actions.
Wonka,
I'm sorry, I deleted. I'm going to go back to his other thread and delete what he had posted about you.
I am disappointed that that particular section was deleted for it is relevant in calling out some BS being bandied about here. Does that mean that any other posts calling out Cld's offensive behaviors should be ALL deleted? Then there's no opportunity for Cld to learn and reflect, IF and when he's ever ready to truly listen.
Thank you for listening...I recognize that you are doing a job in striking a balance here as a mod.
It wasn't about (nor directed to) me per se in the other thread. He used the word c@nt in someone's thread...probably Andrew's. Not sure...
Thanks,
Wonka
Wonka,
Point me in the right direction and I'll get rid of that comment.
Job....here's the link to Andrew's thread....I think Cadet already may have deleted the disrespectful reference. Not sure....
Andrew's thread
I never called anybody ---- and I thought that Wonka would finally stop posting here.
Yep, it was taken care of over on Newcomers. Cadet can work magic on Newcomers and over on the MLC forum it's Jack and myself. Unfortunately, we can't jump around on other forums and clean up things.
You'll regret not listening to Wonka. She's been an MLC'er. She knows EXACTLY what's going on. Same with listening to sandi2, they have done it all and have lived to tell the tale. Without some of the people on here, I would probably have lost the plot by now. This is a long LEARNING process, not a sprint.
Yep, it was taken care of over on Newcomers. Cadet can work magic on Newcomers and over on the MLC forum it's Jack and myself. Unfortunately, we can't jump around on other forums and clean up things.
Actually it wasn't but it is taken care of now, thanks for pointing it out to me!
CLD I'm sure you will not appreciate me posting here either, as I am very very happily divorced, but just wanted to let you know that this thread is legally NOT your personal property just because you started it. You have absolutely no right to tell others where they can and cannot post.
And P.S. -- Job, Wonka, Cat04, Mach, Eric, Cadet, Bond, URWorthy, Ginger (under her former name) etc, helped me to save my sanity and self respect, which were both pretty much non-existent, after living with my MLC ex for so long. I'd started to believe him when he told me and anyone else who would listen that 100% of the problems in my marriage were due to me and that he was not having an affair. I'm sure you will not take advice from a divorced woman but if I were you, I'd beg their forgiveness, and welcome their advice.
Are you all sure we are not being punked here? I often have a great sense of people, well unless I'm married to or dating them, lol, but I just am not buying it. No one can be this ignorant in the face of sanity. If I'm wrong, it's the worst case of ignorance I've ever seen. Perhaps it's more cultural-based? If not, this entire thing is turning into a huge case study in how not to DB. I'm sticking with my origional thought and we are all being punked.
DonH,
It looks like Cld is a divorced man.
Just saw under his sig this information:
Me 39
Her 44
Son 3
Daughter 7
M 8 years
R 10 years
She filed for divorce out of the blue and walked away 1/11/2016
Divorce settlement 8/3/2016
I have been waiting 7 months so far for her to come back.
If yes, then this means, his "W" is not W but XW.
One has to wonder.....
Restraining order
Etc
Something just doesn't add up here.
would you please do me a favor and stop posting to Cld?
I totally agree with this advice and I know that I left out a few of the words, I am not meaning to twist jobs post however it would be best for us to leave him alone.
I am going to stop posting here.
I have zero control about my thread and people (Wonka) won't understand boundaries. I am supposed to learn from Wonka how to detach and get a life when she doesn't seem to be able to detach from this thread. This is the kind of people I am supposed to learn from. I am done posting here, this page is not helping anyone reconcile, it's just helping people "moving on" so that they can have more children with other men and women and create even more broken family and chaos. Yes, it is a cultural problem, and the culture here in America is aweful when it comes to family.
PLEASE NOTE: I have deleted your last sentence from the above paragraph. First and foremost, we try not to use curse words on the Board and if we run across words that are offensive to others, we either delete them or change them. If you continue to post, I have stated several times that in order to gain respect, you need to respect others.
Are you all sure we are not being punked here? I often have a great sense of people, well unless I'm married to or dating them, lol, but I just am not buying it. No one can be this ignorant in the face of sanity. If I'm wrong, it's the worst case of ignorance I've ever seen. Perhaps it's more cultural-based? If not, this entire thing is turning into a huge case study in how not to DB. I'm sticking with my origional thought and we are all being punked.
I wish there was a "like" button.
I hope we are being punk'd for the sake of his exW and kids. I'll be able to sleep better tonight.
Sorry you feel that way Cld
I can only add you created your own mess here.
As for your information gathering on mine and other posters pages . You should read their stories. I doubt you read any of them or the homework suggested to you.
If you desire to write your "book" make sure you have the proper authorization to use this information. Wouldn't want to see you in court. Don't use my story as information gathered.
Best of luck to you . You are really missing out on a great source of information to better yourself. Your XW will only know you for same old CLD as before. No changes and no growth.
If you do decide to leave . Please apologize first to the many women you insulted here. I'm sure they are all above the comments you made. None the less. I respect all of them and feel they deserve your appology.
Cid,
Your determination to stand for your marriage is commendable, it is something to be applauded.
I hope that you and your wife both change enough to that a reconciliation is possible.
"The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm."
I support Job. I've seen this happen before. Someone comes on the boards who is offensive and possibly mentally ill, sparks fly, and posters come out of the woodwork to "help."
Honestly, I think some people are beyond the scope of being able to get help from an online forum. And, it's sorta scary how intense the postings can become. For all we know, this person may have a history of abuse--there are some serious red flags--a restraining order and supervised visitation. Sometimes, it's best to step away.
What makes me kinda sad... there are lots of folks on the MLC forum who would LOVE the attention this thread has received. People who are in a better place to receive the suggestions. So many broken families, so little time. I guess I'm guilty too, in that, I read the MLC boards, but don't offer much anymore to those new to the nightmare that is MLC.
Cld,
I haven't given up on you just yet. There is something that isn't adding up w/your situation. Your wife may be a WAW or in MLC, you could very well be the one in crisis or you are a troll who comes here to post to get reactions for jollies and seek out info from the posters for your book. For whatever reason, you chose to come here and post on an open forum. You do not have any control over the threads on the forum, but you do have the right to have people respect you, just as the posters have the right for you to respect them. I have made it a point to caution you several times about being mindful of what you post that can be interpreted as offensive or hurtful to others and yet, again, you come here do the same thing again.
I do realize that English is your second language so, I'm going to rephrase something that I have posted and now reposted for the third time. I do not want to hear about how you treated your wife. I want an honest answer to the following comments that your wife may have stated about you. I do not want to hear (again) that you respected her, loved her and treated her nicely. I want to know what your wife has stated about you.
So, here's what I posted: "Generally when they say we are controlling, they can also tend to point out that we are manipulative, stubborn, condescending, don't listen, judgmental, determined to have our way and we want to always be right and we always want the last word in any conversation or discussion. Has your wife ever stated that you don't value you her as an equal partner because she's a woman? If you don't feel comfortable answering the above, I do understand. These examples are just a few of what some of the MLCers will toss out for justification."
Did your wife ever address these issues with you? What else did she say about you and your personality besides being controlling? There's no shame in answering my questions because we all have heard some version of the above comments one time or another from our spouses.
Why did your wife get a restraining order on you? What were the allegations? Why do you have to have supervised visitation w/your daughter? It has to be something more than just a couple of spankings. Do you treat your two children the same? Do you correct your son the same way that you do your daughter? Child Services does not take allegations lightly. They do the investigations and then determine whether or not supervised visits are necessary.
Cld, I want to close out my posting by addressing this one thing w/you. You may not realize it or even care one fig about it, but many, many of the posters who are separated and/or divorced are the ones that have helped others succeed in getting their marriages back on track. The posters that succeeded couldn't have done it w/o learning from those who went before them and educating themselves by reading the threads and asking questions. Sure, some of the postings get a little bit heated, but sometimes they have to be that way to get you to think and focus on what we are posting. To indicate in your postings that the comments and/or advice that people give you is not what you are looking for is not the way to go, especially when you are on a board that is open to the public and people come here and devote their time, effort, and share their experience and sage advice w/others. You are basically stating to those posters that they have nothing to offer to you or to those who are reading your threads. You have so much to learn from the posters and yes, even those you don't want to hear from.
And, for the record, moderators who are here periodically throughout the day volunteer their time and advice to help others...we are not paid employees. If you aren't happy w/the advice you are being provided, you may contact the staff and set up an appointment for counseling w/one of their professional counselors. I'm sure you'll get more bang for your dollars by doing so. Will you be receptive to what they advise you to do? Probably not...but I wanted to suggest this as an option to you.
So, I do welcome the challenge of working w/you because I do sense that there is some other underlying issues going on w/you and your situation. It's your choice to return or not, but I do wish you well.
What makes me kinda sad... there are lots of folks on the MLC forum who would LOVE the attention this thread has received. People who are in a better place to receive the suggestions. So many broken families, so little time. I guess I'm guilty too, in that, I read the MLC boards, but don't offer much anymore to those new to the nightmare that is MLC.
LoisB,
This is something I can honestly say that we agree on.
Maybe we all need to think about trying to do better, since we have the tools...
Glad you are doing well.
Cat
I was glad to see your name pop up too, Heather! And you and Cat are right. Made me think thanks!
I support Job. I've seen this happen before. Someone comes on the boards who is offensive and possibly mentally ill, sparks fly, and posters come out of the woodwork to "help."
Guilty.
I'll try and be around a little more and offer some support as well.
I support Job. I've seen this happen before. Someone comes on the boards who is offensive and possibly mentally ill, sparks fly, and posters come out of the woodwork to "help."
I would agree.
Cld,
I'll make this short...
I hope you come and post. I see a lot of me in YOU and I believe that you will gain a lot from these boards.
If you decide not to return, I hope you find some support to help you through this process (it is really tough to do this alone).
I know that for me, these boards were a life saver. I did not like a lot of the things that were pointed out to me and honestly, I can you tell you a story of wanting to fly to another state to beat up one of the posters (I can laugh at it now). I am now very good friend with this person.
These boards really helped me and I think they can really help you.
So if you are up for it....come back...say HI Eric and let's start a conversation. No judging, no hard feelings...just a two dudes shooting the chit on a web site.
Peace,
Eric
Cld
Thank you for your apology on my thread.
I am sorry you have decided to leave the board, but it is your decision and I respect that. I wish you and your xw luck on your respective journeys and where ever it takes you both.
The first step is asking for help, the second is accepting it. I could not have got this far without the help from everyone here, on occasion I have been given hard to hear advice and taken it, they know this journey better than anyone else, they have lived it and survived.
Cld, I know that you feel very strongly about holding your values and the vows you gave to your w when you married, I admire that in you, I certainly did not have your conviction, just followed advice and got on with my life, leaving h to get on with his, it just happened that he came back into mine along the way. May I ask - are you religious?
Cld, stop, take a minute and a breath to re compose yourself from what has been going on with your thread and then start over. Look in the mirror, who do you see, do you like the person looking back at you?
Whatever you are here for, if it is for genuine help or to do a research paper or troll, please remember, I have done nothing unkind to you, I have given you the answers you asked for, I have opened my world up to you, please respect that.
Cld,
I'd like to see you post a thread on the MLC Forum again. I would be more than happy to lock this particular thread and you could create a new one.
You've been posting some good info to others and I think you should also be posting on a thread that you create. You need support and advice just like the other posters.
How about it?
Job,
I will post at some point.
Please leave this thread the way it is if you can.
Thanks.
Cld
I will leave the thread as it is for now. If you decide you want it locked, I'll be happy to do so.
I do want you to know that we do care and want to help you navigate the path you are on at the moment. It's no picnic trying to do it solo.
Cld,
I thought I'd bring over your posting from Huddy's thread and paste it here rather than to continue hijacking another poster's thread. If you want to bring over Mr. Bond's responses to you, you can do so or they can remain on Huddy's thread. This is an interesting topic and I'd like to see what others think about it.
"Why most women don't seem to understand the pain that they are causing to the children? I would like to hear what women have to say.
Women initiate 80% of divorce and in 90% of the cases they receive custody. In most cases they want to limit contact with the father as much as possible that way hurting the kids. What are they thinking?"
Rouky's response from Huddy's thread:
"Hi Cid and sorry to high jack your post Huddy, but in my case I'm encline to file because H has hurt me deeply and has clearly moved on with his life and OW, so why should I stay married to someone who doesn't want me? I haven't read your story but maybe your W felt you were done with her, didn't love her so to protect herself if she is no longer associated with you, she might feel that she can have a fresh start.
For the custody my H's ex limited his access as a revenge as he left her when their kid was very young. I felt it was pure evil from her part as she wanted her child to see what her father was really like. Now as I'm in the same situation as her, I can understand where she came from, although I always made a point that if we have kids together, we will share custody together. That's what we are doing now. Hope that helps."
Cld's response to Rouky on Huddy's thread:
"Rocky,
Because you promised to stay married "until death do us part", not until there are problems and I can't take it anymore."
Cld,
I thought I'd bring over your posting from Huddy's thread and paste it here rather than to continue hijacking another poster's thread. If you want to bring over Mr. Bond's responses to you, you can do so or they can remain on Huddy's thread. This is an interesting topic and I'd like to see what others think about it.
"Why most women don't seem to understand the pain that they are causing to the children? I would like to hear what women have to say.
Women initiate 80% of divorce and in 90% of the cases they receive custody. In most cases they want to limit contact with the father as much as possible that way hurting the kids. What are they thinking?"
There isn't a lot of divorce among my friends and relatives. Of the three divorced I know well enough to comment on, none match your description of what "most" women do.
One divorce was because one of the spouses realized they were gay. One was because the husband had an affair and fathered a child. One was because the woman felt her emotional needs weren't being met and her spouse wouldn't go to counseling.
Only in the first case have the parents tried to punish the other parent.
This morning while I was I was walking I received an email from my lawyer saying that my child support will stay very low at $135 a month and that the mother of my children went to his office to sign the Divorce Judgement. Basically I am divorced now and absolutely nothing is changing in my mind, I am still 100% committed to the family, to my children and to their future.
This is me, but I wonder how this is going to affect the mother of my children.
Is she going to date guys, or maybe she already has?
Is she going to introduce them to the children?
Is she going to be more or less friendly towards me?
Only time will tell. For now she still has a picture of all of us together on her Facebook and it has been only 8 months since Bomb Drop, the official start of her midlife crisis.
I will do my best to stay like a rock, to be committed and to be patient.
This Sunday we will start to see each other in person after 8 months to exchange the kids 3 times a week and I wonder how she is going to act. I still have the restraining order that we amended, and now I am allowed to text her only about exchanging the children and for emergencies.
If everything goes well and she doesn’t try to renew it, the restraining order will expire January the 11th 2017.
Cld,
Your wife's MLC started before the bomb drop. It actually started 18-24 months before the bomb. When the bomb hits, it's already picking up speed.
I'm very sorry that the divorce is going forward. She may have signed the document, but until it's stamped by the court, it's basically not official. I imagine that will happen sometime in the next couple of weeks.
As for what your xw does now...it will be none of your business unless her actions affect the children. She may begin to date and introduce the children to a man that she may be serious about. She may say he's a friend from work or from the gym. Then again, she may wait a while before introducing someone new into their lives. She may even marry very quickly after the divorce is valid. Time wil tell.
She may very well settle down a bit and become a little more civil towards you. But that will also depend upon how you treat her. If you are arrogant or try to tell her what she should or shouldn't do, I can assure you, the communication line will be cut short and she may become cold and businesslike towards you. The first time you meet up w/her for the child swap, I suggest that you speak calmly and follow her lead. The less you say the first time, the better it might go for you and the children.
Whether or not the restraining order is renewed will depend upon your actions.
I do wish you all of the best.
Cld,
Your posted this over on Huddy's thread and I have brought it here to avoid any more hijacking of Huddy's thread.
"Job,
Where is his current thread?
You are telling me he is out of the woods now and his family is perfect?
He hasn't even updated his signature in 5 years,
and I should listen to him?
I don't think so.
I am listening to you, job, to Irish, to qt4, to the guy that came up with the "chaos child" explanation that I am not allowed to name here, to MWD and most importantly I am listening to my instinct."
I can answer the signature line question. Honestly, I've been so busy helping others on this board and other boards and GALing with the W and kids that I really didnt' pay attention to my signature line. No one has actually called me out on it until now.
Didn't see any reason to update it since once I told people my marriage was restored, they were more interested in learning how I did it rather than why my sig line is not up to date.
You brought up a few weeks ago that people aren't always using the signature line. I pointed out to you that it is the posters' decision as to whether to post a signature line or not.
Now, about Mr. Bond's current thread. Mr. Bond is not required to return here to update his reconciliation w/his wife. That is HIS choice if he wishes to do so. He reconciled back a long time ago and there is not need to come back here and provide an update once everything has gotten back on track. No marriage is perfect and to answer your question about his family being perfect...I don't live w/him. Evidently things are going well or he would have returned to post otherwise.
It is not my place to justify why posters do not return and update their threads. It is not their place to justify to YOU or anyone else as to why they haven't updated their threads and posters are not going to do so just because you want to see their current threads updated.
We are very fortunate to have posters return here and post how things are going, if they choose to do so. However, in many cases, they don't return and they are not REQUIRED to do so. We are just happy to hear from them if they do. Many of us remain here many years later to pay it forward and to help others navigate this difficult time in their lives. Whether or not the posters listen to us, that is their choice.
No, Cld, you've not heard one word I've posted to you since the first day you posted here. If you had, we would have seen some changes in your postings. It would prove beneficial to you to truly listen to what the posters are trying to point out to you...instead of creating dissension on the posters' threads by saying you are only listening to certain posters, etc.
Cld, there are many, many wonderful people here who are going through some tough times and are at various stages of walking life's path. We all want what is best for each and every poster and that's why sometimes it's better to sit back and think before posting. A little knowledge can be a dangerous tool and that's why it's best to educate ourselves on what might be taking place w/our spouses. No one can predict the outcome for any of us as to whether our spouses/partners will return. That's why we say 50/50 and not 100%.
This is all I have to say on the subject of Mr. Bond w/you. I will not return to this thread and address this subject w/you again. I want to see you start focusing on you and your life now that you are divorced.
I do feel like I had to point out that the last comment
"I am listening to ... to MWD and most importantly I am listening to my instinct."
Is a contradiction because MWD teaches that DBing is not typically instinctive and is something that needs to be learned. She's right about that.
Job,
That's interesting, thanks for replying.
If you are right, then my wife has been in a midlife crisis for almost three years and maybe she is almost done with it. Very interesting.
As I said before, she is the one who left and she is the one who needs to put 100% of the effort in restoring the relationship, not me.
I will be very polite with her and give her as much time as she needs. I do feel a lot of compassion toward her, she had a rough life and she has been a great mother all the time. Every time I look at her, she starts crying, so she tries to avoid eye contact. Maybe she is in the depression stage of the MLC, no idea. I hope we can restore the relationship as soon as possible in order to avoid trauma to the kids and hopefully it will be a lot better than what we had before.
The divorce is good, it's the cure. The problem was the marriage which is a legal and financial contract that has nothing to do with love. I am happy about the divorce. Having said that I will always be committed to the family until death do us part.
As I said before, she is the one who left and she is the one who needs to put 100% of the effort in restoring the relationship, not me.
All marriages take two people…to make and to break IMO. You would do good to look at your role in this (it could be small, could be big) and work on those things…not for HER but for YOU.
As I said before, she is the one who left and she is the one who needs to put 100% of the effort in restoring the relationship, not me.
This attitude will never get you anywhere.
She left
YOU. The person you are NOW.
Regardless of MLC, Walkaway Wife Syndrome, or if it was raining skittles and that was how she felt that day.
There was something that she felt could not be reconciled by remaining.
Unless you work on yourself and become someone she wants to be with...she will never come back.
You have some incredible people giving you more time than they give to most. Maybe someday you will see that and appreciate it.
There are plenty of other people who would love their help.
If you are right, then my wife has been in a midlife crisis for almost three years and maybe she is almost done with it.
Be careful looking at some sort of time line.
Job has been here 17 years and her husband is still not done with his MLC.
Cld,
She may have been in MLC for three years, but that's not a guarantee that she's even halfway through replay. This could very well take off on a full blown scale now that the ink is just about dry on the divorce decree. I don't put stock in the 3-5 years. I put stock in the person who is experiencing the crisis returns to a normal, mature individual. The crisis will take as long as it takes and it could be 3, 5, 7 or even longer. It will depend upon how many times she hits the brick wall and finally steps back and learns the lessons she needs to learn as well as facing her issues. Some remain stuck...I know my little fruit loop is still out there and hasn't faced is issues in the 17 years he's been orbiting earth. He's one of those lucky ones that will remain stuck.
So, do yourself a favor and relying on the 3-5 year target. It's all up to her as to when it's over and I would hate to see you still sitting there 2 years from now still looking out your window to see if she's done.
Job,
I have no choice, I will wait until death do us part if necessary.
This is how I was raised and this is how it's going to be. I told her several times in the past that I will not give up on the family and I will not put another woman in front of the kids. I even told her that in court in front of the judge.
The kids love my position and are extremely excited about it because it gives them a sense of security.
My wife told the kids a few times that "she doesn't want me to wait" but she also said that "girlfriends are bad" so I think that ultimately she will appreciate me for waiting. I know guys that would have moved to another state or another country to avoid all the hassle and would have started a new life with another woman right after she filed the papers and that would have been a disaster for both her and the kids. I am different, I am a stander and I am committed to the family.
Cld,
I think you misinterpreted what I posted about the waiting. I did not mean for you to think that I was encouraging you to get involved w/someone else. What I would like to see is that you get involved more w/friends and continue to work on hobbies, as well as spending as much time w/your children. Being a stander doesn't mean that you remain in one spot. It means you continue to life your life to the fullest, get up each day and think positive no matter what. A stander learns to live life and take it one day at a time and at the end of the day, look back on what you've accomplished.
Getting more involved in the business tells me that this is an area of control for you. Maybe it's time to think about a little vacation and possibly see your family at some point. Maybe at some point, you can take the children for a couple of days and visit a nice family friendly resort.
Cld, keep moving forward, it's okay to be a stander, but don't stand in that same spot 3 years from now. Life doesn't stand still and there's so much out there for you to enjoy (and you don't have to have a woman to help you do it).
Job,
I am working very hard. I am buying another rental property on Friday and I would like to buy 4 more next year.
I am definitely not standing still.
I don't have many friends because I work a lot but I have a few business partners that know everything about me and they are like family. And of course I have both my parents, especially my dad who is a rock like me, a very successful entrepreneur who never gave up when it came to business and to family.
I told her several times in the past that I will not give up on the family and I will not put another woman in front of the kids. I even told her that in court in front of the judge.
My opinion is you should stop telling her in words this information.
Speak with your ACTIONS, be a little mysterious.
I am NOT telling you to date or try to change your viewpoint.
Standing is not waiting it is NOT STILL.
If you are going to be holding her position open for the rest of your life then you need to figure out how that life is going to look.
Their are lots of people that never marry or get involved with others after a first marriage.
They keep living their life though.
My wife told the kids a few times that "she doesn't want me to wait" but she also said that "girlfriends are bad" so I think that ultimately she will appreciate me for waiting.
She says that she doesn't want you waiting, two parts to this statement.
#1 - IF she is in MLC do not believe anything she says.
#2 - She wants you to be the bad guy and be the reason the marriage broke up,
because she is already totally sure of her decision that she is DONE with the marriage.
This may or may not be true however it is the way she feels right now.
Cadet,
Absolutely!
I do not believe what she says and I even tell the kids not to worry too much about what mommy is saying because mommy is angry now but maybe she won't be angry anymore in a few years.
I really doubt that she knows what she wants right now and I have read that subconsciously women in MLC want a white knight who saves them and leads them the right way. I am going to be her white knight so that she doesn't have to look for a new one. I have firm believes, I am a mountain, I am a rock.
" I even tell the kids not to worry too much about what mommy is saying "
You really shouldn't talk to your kids that way. You can't tell them that your way of thinking is right and mommy is wrong. They're going to think they have to choose sides between you both and it's not fair to the kids.
Just because she disagrees with you doesn't mean she's wrong.
In any event, you never did answer job's questions before like why did she have a restraining put against you?
The restraining order was issued by the judge without any proof and it's based on the following false allegations:
1. "If I try to divorce him, I will die"
2. "If Child Protective Service ever comes, he would lock and load"
3. "If I try to divorce him, he will take the kids out of the country"
4. "He is emotionally and physically abusive to our daughter".
That's what she wrote and I can guarantee you that it's 100% made up, in fact I am happy about the divorce. That's all it took for her to get a restraining order against me. There have never been any police reports, medical reports or anything else in 10 years that would suggest that those allegations would be even remotely true. I even showed the judge 50 pages of text messages between me and my wife in the six months prior to separation and the messages were all friendly, polite and lovely. The judge didn't remove the restraining order, but ordered a psychological evaluation for my wife.
Here's the full question:
"I want an honest answer to the following comments that your wife may have stated about you. I do not want to hear (again) that you respected her, loved her and treated her nicely. I want to know what your wife has stated about you.
So, here's what I posted: "Generally when they say we are controlling, they can also tend to point out that we are manipulative, stubborn, condescending, don't listen, judgmental, determined to have our way and we want to always be right and we always want the last word in any conversation or discussion. Has your wife ever stated that you don't value you her as an equal partner because she's a woman? If you don't feel comfortable answering the above, I do understand. These examples are just a few of what some of the MLCers will toss out for justification."
Did your wife ever address these issues with you? What else did she say about you and your personality besides being controlling? There's no shame in answering my questions because we all have heard some version of the above comments one time or another from our spouses.
Why did your wife get a restraining order on you? What were the allegations? Why do you have to have supervised visitation w/your daughter? It has to be something more than just a couple of spankings. Do you treat your two children the same? Do you correct your son the same way that you do your daughter? Child Services does not take allegations lightly. They do the investigations and then determine whether or not supervised visits are necessary. "
Oh never mind. I just saw the post where you called me a fraud.
I would be very careful in criticizing people MrBond.
Because when you do, then you get criticism back, instant Karma.
Job,
I am working very hard. I am buying another rental property on Friday and I would like to buy 4 more next year.
I am definitely not standing still.
I don't have many friends because I work a lot but I have a few business partners that know everything about me and they are like family. And of course I have both my parents, especially my dad who is a rock like me, a very successful entrepreneur who never gave up when it came to business and to family.
On these boards, when people ask what you are doing to improve, they generally mean as a person, not as an earner.
Business aside, what are you doing to be a better person?
Cld the more you defend yourself the more you have to explain. Someone told me here early on to "drop the gun". Didn't get it at first. I do now.
I'm going to share how I felt when my stich started.
At 1st I felt justified to lose my temper and curse her out.it was my D's future we were dealing with. I demanded she divorce me. A few weeks later when she became a WAS and I was served it hit me.. there is more to my story.
You remind me of my ex. She is very sucsseful. Makes tons. And always bilittle me as to my income or sucess.Very painful.
Like JOB said we care about you and everyone here. Take what can from the advice. Take care my friend
Not exactly sure what you're talking about. I made the observation that you were acting arrogant and could use some humility when talking to those trying to help you. And then you called me a fraud and that I didn't really save my M. That was all on you.
Cld,
When a poster continues to repeat himself/herself over and over again, I sometimes will ask that particular poster this question...why are you here? I'd like to know what you had hoped to gain by being a member. Because it's evident that you've not listened to anything we have posted to you over the last several months.
I really would like to have an honest answer to my question....why are you here? I want you to take a day or so to think about my question and come back and tell me.
If you are right, then my wife has been in a midlife crisis for almost three years and maybe she is almost done with it.
Cld - I know that others have touched on this already and I haven't read all their responses as of yet but just wanted to add on this bit. There was a person on the forums a while ago, AmyC who had gone through a MLC herself and came back and gave back to the community in an amazing way. A thread in the "reading" is devoted to her and I strongly recommend reading through it.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741After I did that myself I pulled some quotes - without context and put them in my own thread for me to re-read.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2700178#Post2700178One that struck me the most and is at the top of the list was this one:
I know what you're doing. You want to construct a timeline to give yourself some reasonable idea as to how far she is into this thing. PLEASE do yourself a favor, SCREW THE TIMELINE IDEA.
Just like you I would take a look at W's moods, think about her history and plot out where she was on the "timeline". They're not walking a linear path though with a known destination. They're lost in the fog just like we are. We're just fortunate that there are guides in the fog to remind us of where the different paths are for us but other than having watched other travelers in the past which gives them some insight into those journeys we all have no clue where any of our spouses may be.
I know that even up to a week ago I struggled with this expecting my W to "snap out of it" any day now.
Patience my dear Cld - patience and strength will get you through this to the other side.
The problem with the stages of the MLC is that they do not follow a set pattern. They could go from replay to depression to anger, back to replay. Being in one stage doesn't mean they are any closer to end of their MLC than any other stage.
I'm going to tag on to Jack's comments at the stages. They are just a guideline to help you better understand some of the behavior. Do not take to heart any of what you read about how long each stage is. Why? Because each and every person is unique, they have different childhood issues to deal with as well as their coping skills aren't that great. Each stage, between bouncing around in some of them at one time or another, they will take as long as they take for each person. Also, the 3-5 years for the crisis is just an estimate. Some take longer, others a shorter amount of time and then there are those that are stuck.
I also want to point out, that if they do come thru the crisis, they can: 1) return as the person you knew, but much more settled/mature; 2) can return w/some of the MLC traits still intact: or 3) be a totally different person, some may good and others not good at all.
Again, it takes time, the MLCer is on a very, very slow clock and they will finish their crisis only when they are ready and possibly have faced their issues. Until then, live your life to the fullest, treat each day as a new adventure and at the end of the day, be thankful for being alive and have the opportunity to see each sunrise and sunset.
Thanks Cadet for editing Cld's posts.
each and every person is unique, they have different childhood issues to deal with as well as their coping skills aren't that great.
My feeling is that no one asks a 2 year old child, how long will it be until you are an adult.
It takes as long as it takes to grow up.
MLC'ers are children learning to grow up,
their issues could take at least that long.
A 15 year old might take 5 years and a 2 year old might
take 20 years.
This is how I was raised and this is how it's going to be.
And maybe this is the problem. We have all baggage and things that need to change, often time as a result of our upbringing. The one thing that I see very clearly in your responses is a stubbornness that will not bode well for you over the long haul.
I told her several times in the past that I will not give up on the family and I will not put another woman in front of the kids. I even told her that in court in front of the judge.
Actions speak louder than words. STOP TELLING her and just SHOW her that you RESPECT her enough to RESPECT her choices. Beating on your chest and proclaiming that you will stand for ever will NOT work.
The kids love my position and are extremely excited about it because it gives them a sense of security.
Keep the kids out it! Look up the term parental alienation and you will see what I mean. Putting the kids in the middle FORCES THEM to choose sides. STOP IT! It is another form of manipulation.
I know guys that would have moved to another state or another country to avoid all the hassle and would have started a new life with another woman right after she filed the papers and that would have been a disaster for both her and the kids.
This statement is EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to a LOT of men on these boards. Maybe this applies to the men YOU know. Me and my friends are different. My advice – get new friends.
I am different, I am a stander and I am committed to the family.
What is a stander to you? Is it being who you are right now? Cause this is not standing.
I am buying another rental property on Friday and I would like to buy 4 more next year.
Emotional success and business success are TWO different things. Which is more important to YOU?
especially my dad who is a rock like me, a very successful entrepreneur who never gave up when it came to business and to family.
Ask your kids if they played ROCK, PAPER, SISSIOR. There is a reason that PAPER wins over ROCK. It is flexible. A rock is strong indeed. It does not MOVE easily, It is hard to break. It is also hard to GROW. Think about this.
1. "If I try to divorce him, I will die"
2. "If Child Protective Service ever comes, he would lock and load"
3. "If I try to divorce him, he will take the kids out of the country"
Maybe just maybe is you stop proclaiming that YOU WILL WAIT FOREVER…..she will feel a bit more comfortable. Obviously, what you have been doing is NOT working. DB 101 – “Do what works”.
As Cat mentioned, a lot of poster that I respect are trying to get you to see something. You are not. I get it. I was the same way. Maybe just put aside the pride, bravado and machismo and listen with an open mind and heart.
ericmsant2,
I am throwing up a challenge.
Reconciliation before the end of 2020.
You will see.
Cadet,
I agree with you, MLCers are children learning to grow up.
This is exactly what's happening to my wife.
She is watching me to see if I am going to act like her father who found a new girlfriend and moved out of state when her mother divorced him or if I am going to be different.
I think she is seeking the stability from me that her father could never give her.
ericmsant2
Please stop posting on my thread.
job,
I just joined another page where they are all standers.
I think it's a better place for me to be where I can get the support and motivation that I need and where there won't be someone who constantly criticizes me. And now that I have been put on moderation I can't even participate in the debates.
I am not sure if I will come back.
Cld
Cld,
That is your choice to decide what is best for you. However, if you are abiding by the Board Rules, then you can be removed from moderation.
I wish you all of the best that life has to offer.
You've also reached the 100th posting/reply limit, which means you start a new thread if you choose to remain here. But, for now, I'm going to lock this thread.