Irish, good to hear that you are doing well and that you received the passports for your D’s on time for a summer vacation.
I also hope you will get a deal you want regarding your house. You need it for your girls.
What are the plans for the rest of the summer?
Hi Bright
Thanks for dropping in:-)
Yes the passports were a hurdle but so happy to have them. I do advise STBXW if I leave the country. Travel in canada I don't need to.
As for the house. Hopefully it goes well this week. This will close a chapter and secure my girls stability.
As for this summer
I already did zip lining, continued courses for horseback riding, camping twice, hiking, festivals in the city not far from me and of course wall climbing. I just got my first certification so no need to have a staff spot me or the girls.
Right now I rented a cottage on a private lake with my girls. My parents, brothers and their wife's and gods are arriving shortly. We are experiencing a heat wave so timing was perfect.
I read something I want to share with you all. It's from the book a year in the light
" Because we can't send the clouds back from where they came from, because we can't unlearn, unknow or unfeel. Because we can't reverse the diagnoses, undo the damage, turn back time, or unspeak what has been spoken. Because we can't stop the mind from occasionally visiting the deepest, darkest recesses or the mental dungeons where our fears reside. Because we can't unrage, unfall or unbreak. Because we can't unifect or forget or unregret.
It is what it is, so we choose light. Admits all of it, we choose light and love and laughter and folly.
ANY OTHER OPTION IS UNLIVING."
Hugs
Irish
Irish,
That's a great section from a year in the light.
When you read something like that and really understand it, really get it, you finally realize how far you've come in your journey, how wonderful the journey is and how you have become a more content, better human being in the process.
So wonderful to have been with you here while you have progressed and grew.
Mirage
Hi Irish, sounds like you are doing well and I'm glad to read that
What a lovely quote, and so true. I think when we are doing all of the DB fundamentals we are choosing light. When we GAL, when we choose to be gracious and cooperative. When we reconnect with old activities and find new ones, when we work on forgiveness.
I do think if we keep making choices each and everyday 'towards light' we can't go too far wrong - even if we have to wade through a bit of boggy ground on the way there..
Have a great time on your trip xx
Great quote, Irish! Thanks for sharing. I have this engraved on my phone case (it was a custom order): “I am Light I am Love I am Piece”. I repeat this to myself every day in my morning meditation.
Have fun at the cottage on the lake! It sounds like a great family re-union!
Hi Irish, just been catching up on your thread. Sorry it's been so long since I visited you!
The cottage sounds wonderful. You really are great at embracing everything life has to offer for yourself and your girls.
Thank you for sharing the quote. I haven't heard of the book but the quote is brilliant - and perfect for us DBers!
Hi IP, Bright, Sotto and Mirage :-)
It's great hearing from you all
Update
I don't lose my house. I was at the bank today and will finalize the papers at the notary next week.
By Aug 1st the divorce papers will be in front of the courts and that's its no more ties to her and her madness.
That was the good news.
The bad news STBXW is still deep in her tunnel of lala land
My d15 had a friend over. This friend liked STBXW a lot and couldn't understand that she's is just gone. D15 told her a few things. Then they both went on STBXW facebook.
Big mistake.
They saw her with OM in pictures.
Videos of them kissing, getting a matching tattoo of the date they met and STBXW with half her head shaved and dyed purple.
D15 was upset for 2 days then angry still today.
I personally avoid STBXW's and OM facebook. Seeing that can only stir up old memories.
Hopefully she will stay away from those pages.
Besides that The government called me to start their investigation on who has the girls full time.
My STBXW made a false claim that she has them full time, a single mom living in my house without me. It gave her several thousand dollars in support . They said they'd get it back and issue me the cheque in August. It's a criminal offence to do such claims with the government.
Next week it's my D15's sweet 16th birthday. I am planning a huge surprise for her. Rented a limo to Eric her and her friends around towns and to her favorite restaurant. Then back home for an ourdoor party and sleep over. I am looking forward to that night. I'm sure STBXW will pop her head out of her hole. It will be d15 second birthday her mom missed and coming up on a year since she last saw her.
Hope you are all well
(((Hugs)))
Goodness me Irish - that must have been hard for your D to see. We all want Mum to be 'Mum' - ie: there for us, stable, loving and reliable.....your W is very far from that now.
Purple hair, tattoos, shaving - ugh...at least when things are so bad it must be clear to you that you truly don't want to be with the woman that she is just now. I'm sad for your D's though - however, those sound like lovely plans for your D's 16th and I'm pleased things are settled in terms of the house.
Golly, can't believe that about the government support. That's a pretty blatant lie, given that she doesn't even see the girls. The fraud team are going to be all over that one would be my guess - it just shows that she really isn't thinking straight.
I'm glad for your girls that they do have one stable and loving parent, because that makes such a difference.
Hope your birthday surprise goes well xx
Irish,
I'm very glad to read that you are going to be able to keep your home.
I'm so sorry that your D15 saw the FB page of your wife's. That had to be an awful shock for her. I'm sure she'll be angry for quite a while. She may revisit those pages again just to see what her mother is up to...but I hope not. Her mother has completely lost the plot.
As for the government...they are going to have a difficult time getting that support money back from your STBXW. She's probably already spent it. They may end up taking it from her salary and could very well put her in jail for fraud. She's going to be facing some of her consequences for her actions very soon. I sure wouldn't want to be in her shoes.
The birthday surprise that you have planned for your D15 will be a wonderful one. She will be so surprised and happy and this is one of many memories that she will cherish. You'll enjoy the party as well because you love doing things for your daughters and you want to see them happy. Irish, you are a wonderful father...never doubt that.
Hey Irish, great news about keeping your house and about getting an unexpected gov't bonus, lol.
I think you're wise to avoid the purple haired one's FB page. Sorry your daughter had to see that, but then again, it might help her in the long run .. hard to know at 15 how she's going to process it. It's certainly not the mom she knew ... so perhaps it will help her to get some distance and realize that what you're saying about STBXW having to work through her issues is so very spot on.
You are a wonderful father. I've said it before but will say it again. Your daughter will be so surprised at her party and that's a lovely thing to do for her. She will remember this and the countless other ways you've put your girls first for the rest of her life. You realize you're setting a high bar for future mates? This is a great and wonderful thing. Keep going my friend. You're doing a great job making lemonade out of lemons. xoxoxoxo
Great news about the house, I am so happy for you all. Your daughters birthday surprise sounds wonderful!!
Irish, great news about the house! As for your D checking her Mom’s FB page, I think she will continue to do this… It is hard, I know… I bet your D still has hopes that her Mom will “return” back to normal… I wish your W would not post her life on the FB, but you can only hope… It will be hard for your Ds every time then will find “new” things about their Mom, but sometimes it is a necessary part of the process… to release and accept that their Mom is not the person they knew and it has nothing to do with them. You are doing the right thing constantly reminding them that their Mom is not well right now.
Hang in there, Irish. I can’t wait for the update on your D’s B-day surprise!
Hi Irish - so happy to hear about your house. FB is truly a double edged sword. People are foolish on social media and in my experience the ones with the most selfies are full of illusion.
It has taken some time but my girls keep getting stronger about their lack of contact with their Dad. Time helps and your stability as a parent. I rarely comment unless it is to show support for my girls when they choose to share their emotions. I want them to have their own voice and feelings and know absolutely that I support them as people regardless of whether they choose to be sad, mad or supportive of their father. I do try to remind them occasionally of a good memory pre MLC if it fits into the conversation. I do not want to let the last few years define their entire relationship with their father and I tell them things may change but they may not and whatever they feel or choose to do about that is fine by me.
You seem to be sending that same message and that honors your girls and your family. I am sorry STBXW is not able to understand that but you are handling things in a loving and gracious way. Hope your daughter had a wonderful birthday.
Hi Irish
Just been catching up on your sitch. Great news about the house! I'm so pleased for you and your girls.
Sad to read about the facebook incident - how heart wrenching! Another act of selfishness by your STBXW - putting all that out there for the world, including your daughters, to see. I will never understand as long as I live how a parent just ceases to think about their own children.
Your plans for your daughters 16th sound wonderful! You are such a loving, thoughtful Dad. I hope that if STBXW's head does pop up for the event she doesn't ruin your daughter's celebration.
Hugs, IP
Hi Irish,
Can you tell us a bit more about your wife's childhood please?
In particular I would like to know if her parents got divorced before she turned 15, how it happened and how her mom dealt with the situation, if she had affairs and so on.
PLEASE NOTE... MY STBXW IS NOW OFFICIALLY XW. I will update below.
So wonderful to have been with you here while you have progressed and grew.
Mirage
Hi Mirage xx, it is I who am grateful. So many of you here have helped me grow. Either by your posts to my sitch or me reading your situations and learning from them. I will never forget what I have learnt here.
Hi Sotto.xx
yes exactly why I am so disconnected from XW. I wouldn't date her or let her be in the presence of my girls alone. She is clearly in a crisis.
[quote=job]
As for the government...they are going to have a difficult time getting that support money back from your STBXW. She's probably already spent it. They may end up taking it from her salary and could very well put her in jail for fraud. She's going to be facing some of her consequences for her actions very soon. I sure wouldn't want to be in her shoes.
.
hi Job xx
the Gov't will garnish her pay. If she files bankruptcy they get paid before they pay her any kind of support. Also it's a criminal offence so she may be banned from getting any kind of future support if needed. I don;t want to be in her shoes either. Not my circus right :-)
I think you're wise to avoid the purple haired one's FB page. Sorry your daughter had to see that, but then again, it might help her in the long run .. hard to know at 15 how she's going to process it. It's certainly not the mom she knew ...
hi bttrfly xx
you are so right. my girls need to see this new mom so they can process it knowing she is not well and she is not the mom they once knew. Also helps them to not blame themselves. I am so blessed to have both of them at a level or understanding. No hatred towards their mom just they won't reach out to her.
mleigh and Bright ( hugs and xx to both of you ), thanks for checking in. Yes D16 had an amaazin birthday
see below :-)
Hi Irish - so happy to hear about your house. FB is truly a double edged sword. People are foolish on social media and in my experience the ones with the most selfies are full of illusion.
Hi Gwen xx, you are so right. From what I've learned about MLC and narcissists, you can clearly see those who are either borderline MLC or in it. Or just naturally born narcissistic. If you saw my FB page you'd see the love i have for my family and girls. My XW's FB is all her.. me myself and I . not one pic of her daughters. Prior to MLC was all about family.
Sad to read about the facebook incident - how heart wrenching! Another act of selfishness by your STBXW - putting all that out there for the world, including your daughters, to see. I will never understand as long as I live how a parent just ceases to think about their own children.
, IP
I 150% agree inpain xx
I think after this FB visit they will stay away. They are curious so I can't prevent them.
It's sad.
Can you tell us a bit more about your wife's childhood please?
In particular I would like to know if her parents got divorced before she turned 15, how it happened and how her mom dealt with the situation, if she had affairs and so on.
Hi Cld.
my EX had a horrible childhood. Her parents did separate due to her mom's own MLC.
her mom did find a loser boyfriend who she stayed with for 2-3 years. Her mother claimed an abusive husband (hey, same story my EX is using).
I've known her dad now for over 17 years. He never shown anger or even frustration. He sadly, when his wife (my ex's mom) had her MLC or transition of life is what she calls it, went into a depression himself.
my Ex's mom took years to get it together. Many moves and my EX had no real childhood. always changed school so never had any friends. Shaved her head as a teen ( Wow, that`s what she did a few weeks ago )
rebelled and was programmed to have her own MLC.
My Ex's aunt(her moms sister) also had a MLC and is stuck in it. Botox, liposuction, dressing teenish. Had a love child who her own daughter adopted. Also my Ex has a bipolar cousin, the whole side of that family call crazy (how dare they!!).
So now my Ex-MIL encourages her daughter (my EX) to have this life transition and ruin her own family.
They are closer now yippee. Prior to MLC my EX saw her mother 2-3 times a year.
One thing I know is thank God i am stable for my own D's . This my friends will not happen to them.
NEWSFLASH. I AM OFFICIALLY DIVORCED.
I got HER divorce stamped and approved last Tuesday the day of my D15 turning 16. I kept it to myself since I didn't want to put any focus on my EX . It was my D16`s day.
We celebrated with my parents a quiet evening , pool, BBQ , presents. My D16 had an exam on the 27th to make up so we ended it early so she could be rested.
No news from EX at this point.
on the 27th, late afternoon, a florist came by the house and delivered a small bouquet of flowers. D16 thought they were from me. When she got in the house saw the note. Happy birthday, mom. No letter, no card, no sweet 16. My daughter was not happy. She called me since i was not yet home and asked me what to do. I said put them in a vase. She said she didn't want to accept them because they are meaningless. I said she is trying to reach out. Small steps.
My daughter walked them over to her work and dumped them on the outside mail box there with a note saying NO THANKS.
When I got home my D16 said it wasn't even her writing on the paper. No effort.
I said maybe she is away on vacation and called it in. She said.. no her car was at work.
I let it go. Not my job to try to sugar coat her mom's effort.
That evening I expected an email or text. Nothing. I know I would of wrote my D16 a letter of love especially having a gift return in such a manner. But that's me
My D16 invited some friends over yesterday to celebrate her birthday. I told them to all to get ready we are leaving at 7pm that my dad was going to help drive us all to the restaurant. Can't put more than 4 in my Car. At 7pm a stretch LIMO arrives. The girls go nuts. Screaming, jumping, selfies, I was so happy. Sweet 16 comes only once.
They all climb in the LIMO and ask me to come.. I said nope. It's your night , no daddy involved. The restaurant has already been paid and the Limo will bring you back home for 11 p.m... have fun.
the look in my D16 eyes were pure love and happiness. Something she won't forget ever. Made me tear up.
They arrived at 11PM. still all excited. They haven't stopped talking about it and it's 3:30pm Saturday lol
Me getting my divorce papers is closure. I now have no tied to my EX. I owe her nothing and I expect nothing of her. My journey is continuing the way I want it.
Life is good.
Irish
Hi Irish, congratulations and commiserations to you. When our D was finalised, I was both sad and also relieved, and as you say - it was closure for me. I'm still trying to get my name off the joint account, but XH isn't responding to me just now...may have to take my own steps to get that final thing resolved.
I loved the story of your D's birthday - sounds like the surprise was a huge hit and I'm glad she had such a great time. It was a shame about the flowers. I'm sure her Mum was trying to reach out - and yes she could have done more. It must also be hard for your D to be on the receiving end...
I do think your XW must still be pretty lost to miss out on the stuff she's missing out on. But at least things are resolved in terms of the M and you can keep moving forward.
Take care my friend
Irish,
I'm very sorry that you were divorced on your daughter's birthday. However, you have now been released from some of the MLC drama and should be able to feel a weight lifted off your shoulders in time.
As for your daughter, I'm so happy to read that she and her friends had a fabulous night out. She was Cinderella for the evening and what a wonderful gift of memories that she will always cherish.
BTW, I'm so sorry that her mom didn't call or text her. I have a feeling that she called in the order to a florist and told them what to write on the card. For one small minute, she did remember her daughter's special day, but she also could have done something special for her 16th birthday. I feel sorry for her because she's lost so much in her quest for happiness.
Now, it's time to turn a page in your book of life and start a new chapter. I can't wait to see how life opens the door for you and your daughters to spread your wings and explore the world.
Hi Cld.
my EX had a horrible childhood. Her parents did separate due to her mom's own MLC.
her mom did find a loser boyfriend who she stayed with for 2-3 years. Her mother claimed an abusive husband (hey, same story my EX is using).
I've known her dad now for over 17 years. He never shown anger or even frustration. He sadly, when his wife (my ex's mom) had her MLC or transition of life is what she calls it, went into a depression himself.
my Ex's mom took years to get it together. Many moves and my EX had no real childhood. always changed school so never had any friends. Shaved her head as a teen ( Wow, that`s what she did a few weeks ago )
rebelled and was programmed to have her own MLC.
My Ex's aunt(her moms sister) also had a MLC and is stuck in it. Botox, liposuction, dressing teenish. Had a love child who her own daughter adopted. Also my Ex has a bipolar cousin, the whole side of that family call crazy (how dare they!!).
So now my Ex-MIL encourages her daughter (my EX) to have this life transition and ruin her own family.
They are closer now yippee. Prior to MLC my EX saw her mother 2-3 times a year.
One thing I know is thank God i am stable for my own D's . This my friends will not happen to them.
Hi Irish,
It looks like history repeats itself when it comes to midlife crisis. Her mom had a loser boyfriend for 2-3 years, so you can expect your wife to do the same, and she might come back to you after that.
I don't know how interested you are at this point to get her back, especially since the divorce has been finalized, I just think that she might try to come back home at some point.
You are doing a good job trying to prevent your daughters to do the same someday and from what I have read, the best way to do it it's also by praising their mom no matter what. In other words you always want to say things like: "your mom is a good person, and I still love her. I will wait for her to come back and I won't look for another woman". That will give your daughters emotional stability and hope for reconciliation. It will also teach them to never give up in life no matter what.
That's what I am doing with my kids, I am more concerned about their mental stability than about anything else right now.
"In other words you always want to say things like: "your mom is a good person, and I still love her. I will wait for her to come back and I won't look for another woman". That will give your daughters emotional stability and hope for reconciliation."
I think it is more realistic to say - Your Mom is a good person, but is going through some stuff right now. I don't know how things will unfold, but I love you and will always be here for you.
The thing is - in 6, 12, 24 months - we have no idea how things may unfold and we may not want to wait for ever or reconcile. She may not come back and you may want to look for another woman. It is best not to promise stuff like this as your kids could feel let down further down the line - he told us he would wait for ever and never look for another woman and now he has...
Sotto,
when I got married I promised commitment until death do us part.
Now my wife has become mentally ill because of her troubled childhood and wants to divorce.
I will still be committed to her and to our children forever, and I encourage everyone to think the same way.
Just because one spouse has become mentally ill, it doesn't mean that the other one should do the same.
Your children will see you as a hero and as someone who never gives up.
I agree w/Sotto on how you should address comments to your children. There is no way that anyone can predict whether the MLCer or the WS will return and want to reconcile. Why set your children up for disappointment if they return? Children don't forget what they are told and it would be a huge disappointment for them if their parent didn't return and they would also look at you as possibly covering up the truth. Choose your words wisely when speaking to your children. It's best to leave that sleeping beast in the closet until a reconciliation is on the horizon.
As for a LBS standing, that is a choice that you make. You may want to remain single for the rest of your life, i.e., waiting on him/her to return, but there is no harm in dating once the divorce is final. Then again, there is a good possibility that you will meet someone who will treat you so much better and you connect him/her on a far different level than you did your spouse. Again, this is a personal choice and as we all continue to move forward w/our lives, each and every day has surprises and no one knows what the future may hold for any of us.
Irish has done an excellent job of dealing w/his w's crisis and being there for his daughters. In my opinion, he's been a very good role model that his daughters will look up to now and forever.
Job,
My children know that my wife might never come back, but I will wait for her to come back (to her senses), not necessarily come back to my house with me.
Also my wife responded to my children by saying that "she will come back when daddy is nice", so I think that deep inside her twisted mind, she knows that she will come back someday.
As far as dating, I totally disagree.
That goes against commitment and it won't help my wife ever come back to me if she finds out.
I think people don't reconcile very often because the left behind spouse, often males, find a new girlfriend very quickly and that puts all the blame on the men. "See your dad abandoned us for another woman.....".
Cld,
As I pointed out in my posting, it is up to the LBS to decide what is best for them, i.e., waiting on their spouse for years and years after a divorce or moving on at some point and meeting someone new or remaining single. Your decision is to wait and not date...again...that is your choice and I do appreciate your "commitment to your marriage". However, I do have one question for you...have you given any thought as to what you might do if she doesn't come back to her senses? Would you remain committed to your marriage if she didn't wake up or would you finally accept that she's not returning to her self and move on and begin dating? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.
Irish, I'm sorry for the hi-jack. Cld, if you wish to discuss this further, we can do so on your thread.
Job,
If she doesn't come back to her senses, and I doubt it, I will just stay single and focus on my children. At some point she will be so old and sick that nobody will want to be around her and I will have to take care of her as well. Believe it or not, but even now we are having a relationship, even tho we don't talk to each other. It's a relationship where we exchange our children.
Hi Job
no problem for the hi-jack. Open discussion is welcome.
Cld, I understand your point of view and your choice. I feel you are trying to convince me to do the same. Sorry I won't do that. Not sure if you read my entire sitch . My XW (I like writing that for some reason) has been very manic and abusive to the girls in the beginning and have neglected them ever since BD. My choice to move on is and has been fed by XW's actions more to my girls than to me.
I am now myself and where I will be in 2 - 3 - 5 years is up to me. Who will I be with, I don't know and I won't focus on it. I only know I will be happy.
The thing is - in 6, 12, 24 months - we have no idea how things may unfold and we may not want to wait for ever or reconcile. She may not come back and you may want to look for another woman. It is best not to promise stuff like this as your kids could feel let down further down the line - he told us he would wait for ever and never look for another woman and now he has...
100% agree Sotto, I don't fill my daughters heads up with hope. Hope of something we can not guarantee. All I can do for my girls is love them and be there for them. My XW will have some sort of relationship with the girls one day. Empathy usually kicks in around 21 - 23 years old. My girls will then maybe reach out to her. What that relationship will consists of is up to her and the girls. If it's anything like the relationship my XW had with her mom.. It will be sad
my D13 will be 14 this weekend .. another party to plan.. :-)
Irish - Honesty in all interactions with my D's has never failed. I do not dwell or badmouth their Dad but I am honest when the have questions and I am honest about my feelings in an age appropriate way as their parent. I have packaged all this honesty by always reminding them that love and redemption come in many forms and when you least expect it. I ask them to try not to bolt the door shut on the possibility of a relationship with their Father but ultimately they get to choose. I let them know that my love does not depend on anything and my support is unconditional. We are a family and I have their back.
From your posts it sounds like we kind of have the same philosophy. Be authentic and keep showing your girls how to live without letting your XW define your family.
so I work work work, don't post and look at all the stuff that happens when I'm not around, lol! I can't say congrats on the D ... it just doesn't feel like something to congratulate anyone on, regardless of circumstances. I will say this: congratulations on having the courage to open and walk through a different door to a new life. We don't know what the future will hold, but Irish you more than just about anyone I know are moving through that door with élan. I'm inspired. You are a good man who always puts your daughters first. I'm proud of you my friend for the way you've handled all you've gone through. xoxoxoxo
Gwen and Bttrfly, love and respect both of you. I am happy to call you my friends.
We all have different sitchs but the bond we get in shearing and supporting each other will last a lifetime.
Well today is my D13 birthday.. yahhh 14 years old.I didnt go all out as i did for the sweet 16 party of D16. D14 will get that at 16.
I did get her some cool gifts.. Miranda Sings pants was the real hit. The nikon camera was a close second. lol
I brought her and her friends to a lazer tag and trampoline center. I got to show off my flips over the edge into a huge pool of foam blocks. After my first flip the girls all looked at me like ... who are you lol they never thought I could do it.It was cute. We'll see if i'm sore tomorrow morning.
XW did poke her head out of her hole. She sent a similar bunch of flowers as she did D16 last week. D14 was thinking of tossing them out but decided to just put them on the counter and she said she'll think about what she wants to do with them tomorrow.
I messaged XW that D14 got the flowers and I will make sure she doesn't drop them off at XW's work as D16 did. I really felt bad the D16 did that.
She then tried to call me. XW hasn't tried to call me since last sept 2015. I didn't answer. I had nothing more to say. So i wrote to her saying such.
She writes this long text saying she doesn't want to argue but then goes on saying how not seeing the girls is going to kill her mother. X-MIL hasn't seen or talked to the girls since last August 2015. Now she is a grown woman and decided to not contact of show any kind of support to them at all. It's not my doing that she is not well. XW did say that MIL was seeing a psychologist and on medication. I replied good that she is getting help. It is long overdue. She went on saying that she has had no contact with her sister of father since the separation. I know that is a lie. Her sister is on her Facebook and likes many of her pictures. Her fathers girlfriends does reach out to her as well. So she is playing victim still and throwing in poor MIl as well.
I will stay clear of those discussions...I did not share this conversation with D's . no need.
all in all a great day with the D's and their friends..
Hugs
Irish
Happy Birthday to your youngest daughter! I'm sure she enjoyed her special day w/her friends and her father. I'm also glad to read that your xw did send her flowers and I do hope she decides to put them in a vase and enjoy them...after all...it's not the flowers fault that her mother hasn't grown up.
The memories that you and your daughter shared on her special day are priceless and she'll always remember them.
It looks like she is entering the 4 th stage of midlife crisis, depression.
After this one there will be withdrawal and acceptance. Acceptance is when they come back. It could be another year or two before she comes back physically and to her senses as well. Hopefully it will be less than a year.
Hi Job thank you :-)
Yes my D14 had an amazing day,
I might of either dislocated my big toe yesterday on the trampoline. I tried a few moves that when I lamded my toes would flex back quiet a bit. I can walk but can't put much pressure on it. I have another full day planned today so it should be interesting. I'll go to the hospital after today's outing.
Hi Cld
Not sure what you read but I don't agree on where my XW is. I see it more her having worries about her mothers own depression and putting it all on me. None of this is her doing.
You are a very positive person and I see you have a strong hope for these MLC's to come back. Not only for your own sitch but for many here.
LBS have their own stages. I think you are in denial. Nothing wrong with that but eventually you will one day have to accept that some don't come back. In hoping for it you may just set yourself up for more hurt.
Live your life my friend, don't think about the chance of the MLC waking up and coming back. I don't mind you telling me mine will wake up and want to come back one day. I dropped the rope, no expectations and no hope. Where I will be if she does is my own choice. Just be careful you don't creat false hope on other sitchs. Let the LBS decide and have their own hope if they want it.
And you can't assume where the MLC'r is in their tunnel or path. Nothing is certain.
Irish,
I think she is sad herself, but she doesn't want to admit it and she is trying to make it sound like her mother is the one.
Is she asking for your daughters to meet MIL together with her?
Cld,
If she is sad she is sad, I won't speculate.
If she verbalize how she feels she is clearly still lost.
I'm not looking for her. I'm looking and found me.
She didn't nention the girls and her at all. Just that her mom is not well and if ever I wanted to have them call her she would be happy. Also to make sued the girls don't reject her on the phone because that would kill her. She added the comment " unless that's what yo want"
So clearly not well this XW of mine .
It was yesterday's message and today's a new day.
Cheers
Irish
Hi Irish,
Amazing job on your daughters birthdays. They both sound like such fun times and memories they will have forever.
You sound very strong and grounded. I love that you have settled into your new you and new life. It's what we need to do when the rug is pulled from under us. It's also a great example to your daughters. None of us know what will happen to our spouses, we just pray and hope the best for them. In the meantime, we must continue to live and love, the way that works best for us.
I am cracking up about your toe. Not that you hurt it, but the way you did. I can see you explaining to the doctor that you were getting crazy on the trampoline at your daughters birthday! Lol. It's something my own H would do. I am so happy to hear you are laughing and having fun.
Much love Irish,
M
Be careful when addressing the stage of MLC. Depression is experienced throughout the crisis because it is one of the main ingredients. There will come a time when they will experience a very deep, dark depression and yes, withdrawal will play out as well, but you can't assume that it will go stage 1, 2, 3 or 4. They bounce back forth from replay to acceptance. Once they settle down and are in acceptance, that doesn't mean that they are ready to return because they truly need an additional 18-24 months to settle down and feel comfortable in their own skins. Will they want to come back? That's anyone's guess, but that's far down the road for many people who are posting. By that time anything could have happened. Some will try to reconcile, others will think it's too much work, some will have too much pride to try and yes, there are those who come to realize that their spouses have moved on and are quite happy solo or have remarried.
Also, the time frame is just a measuring stick. No one knows just how long they'll be running around in MLC. Some can be as short as a couple of years or longer than 7, 8, or more. It all depends upon the crisis individual and as for the stages and time frames, they are just a guide and you can't put stock into how long they will be in crisis nor how long each stage will last because it person is unique, just as their crisis is. The best thing to do is live your life to the fullest and, if and when, they do attempt to reconcile...just remember, you are the one that will decide whether to try again.
Cld, I do hope that things work out for you and your family. But, please, don't put your life on hold while she's out there circling earth. Life is far too short to do that...continue to enjoy life and who knows...she just might see that you are enjoying life to the fullest and will do everything in her power to catch up w/you.
Job,
I agree with you with everything you said and me personally I am doing great as a single and I could live like that forever. What keeps me awake at night are my kids crying and saying "I want mommy and daddy to be together", and there is nothing that I can do about it. I can't believe that a woman can't feel all the pain and the damage that she is doing. I made a big mistake in marrying a woman who came from a broken family and now my kids are paying the price. It breaks my heart that there is nothing I can do to reduce their pain other than waiting and they know that. Kids that come from broken families are more likely to use drugs, drop out of school, commit suicide, become criminals and have broken families themselves. I hope that idiot of my wife and her mother will understand it soon.
Cld,
There are many who come from broken homes and have gone on to become successful people. Just become someone comes from a broken home doesn't necessarily mean that they are likely to use drugs, drop out of school, commit suicide, become criminals or have broken families themselves. There are some that do this...but I've seen many who come from broken homes, face the issues that they experienced as children and go on w/their lives, marry and stay married and have good children and productive lives.
You could have married a woman who came from a stable home and she could have had a crisis any way. Why? Because somewhere along the line someone in authority may have stunted her emotionally. Their childhood issues don't always revolve around their parents.
I believe your wife does feel the pain and right now, she is choosing to behave poorly and until she actually faces those demons, she'll continue to do so. She is of the mindset that she survived what happened to her in childhood and she thinks her own children will survive as well. Of course, this is not always the case...but if you are there for your children, listen to them, validate them, reassure them that you will always be there for them, and don't make promises that you may not be able to keep, they will grow up and remember that you were there for them.
Try to keep an open mind...not all crisis people come from broken homes. Some crisis people actually come from families who have parents that have been married for many years.
Job,
As referenced on another site, it is stated that the chaos child scale that goes from a single mom who drinks, uses drugs and has 3 kids with different fathers all the way to an intact family where the parents are together and love each other.
The first 15 years of childhood greatly affect the future of the children and I have seen it with my own eyes as well.
I grew up in Italy and none of my friends at school had divorced parents, absolutely none of them in elementary school, middle school and high school. All my friends were emotionally stable, none of them used heavy drugs, had teen pregnancies and even remotely thought about committing suicide. Since I moved to the US I have seen several teens pregnant in my wife's family, some using cocaine and one 18 year old hanging himself 3 years ago because his girlfriend left him.
Having divorced parents greatly affect children and adults later and I will do the best that I can to spare all this pain to my children.
The lawmakers should wake up to the crisis that Reagan created when he introduced the "no fault" divorce when couples started to get divorced for no reasons. Every generation seems to get worse since then where some "crazy" people even have divorce parties while the lawyers become millionaires at the expenses of children. It's absolutely disgusting , not even animals behave that way.
Cld,
Please be careful when referencing other people who have sites that discuss subjects of the nature that we discuss here. We have already edited your postings several times because you continue to reference the person from another site.
I do agree w/most of what you've posted, but I also want you to be aware that it is not just in the US that we are seeing this behavior. It is popping up all over the world. Each generation has it's own set of problems, take a look around you...the world is in crisis right now w/terrorism, drugs, violence, and killings. It's not just in one country...it's all over.
I do feel your frustration and I don't see anything changing any time soon.
Sorry for naming that guy, Job. I didn't do it on purpose.
And no, this is not a worldwide phenomenon.
In Thailand for instance divorce is banned and families are much more stable than in the US. In Indonesia it takes 10 years to get divorced and nobody does that as a result.
Our lawmakers are hurting our children on purpose because they put profit before values.
I meant divorce is banned in the Phillipines*
If you wish to discuss this further, I'll be happy to respond over on your thread. I think we've hi-jacked Irish's thread quite a bit w/discussions on divorce, crime and problems each generation is dealing with in today's society.
Irish,
Again, I am sorry for the hi-jack.
I am good for today, Job.
Sorry for the hi-jack, Irish.
Hi friend.
What did you do to yourself, lol?
Hope your toe is feeling better. I'm so happy you are detached and handling contact with x with equanimity.
for the record, I would have been all over that Nikon ... forget about the pants, lol.
I've said it before and I stand by it: you are a great dad, and the gift you are giving your girls is immeasurable. They will have a hard time finding guys who measure up to the standard you continue to set.
Great job!
xo,
-Bttrfly
Bttrfly articulated my thoughts as well. Great job!
(Thanks Bttrfly)
Hi CLD and Job
No problem in the hi-jack :-)
Hi Bttrfly and Gwen xxx
For my foot it is fractured and I opted for the airboat instead of a cast. This allows me to walk on it without crutches. I can remove for showers and itch relief lol
200$ but well spent. I will verify my insurance is I get reimbursed.
My finger was dislocated and I reset 3 weeks ago. They reset it properly Nd taped or up.
As for XW she is today messaging me like we are old friends.
So a few days ago it was her as victim, I should feel bad for her mother to this . It's like the divorce is over and now we are friends. I will think of what I will reply today and send her a short reply tomorrow morning.
Her friend , wow
Xx
Irish
Awesome, Irish!
She is coming back!
Now that she is not in a marriage anymore her childhood program doesn't apply anymore it looks like.
Now she is probably seing you as a possible date.
I think my wife is acting the same way. Being married really put pressure on her and she had to be out of the marriage also to "make her mom proud".
If I were you I would tell her right away that "I am not going to be your friend" and that "I won't be part of a love triangle". If she wants to come over for dinner" go ahead and bring a bottle of wine". Don't let her eat cake, Irish.
Hi Cld
I had a feeling you would say that.
I agree divorce is over. Is she coming back ... Nope .
If she is she is far away from who she needs to become.
i won't waiste any energy on it.
All I see now is a woman who tried the feel sorry victim approached a few days ago to now referring us a friends and being all sweet in an email.
There was no appoligy, no how are the girls.
It was her asking for the impossible at this moment.
I responded. To her request for the girls to call XMIL and her friend to me comment.
"The girls are old enough to answer your mother if she wants to ask them directly.
I will not push or trick them into calling her.
As for me and you as friends. I don't see that to be a possibility at this moment. What you did to me and our girls will not just be erased from our minds. You hurt our girls in the worst possible way a mother can hurt their children.
Your choice to abandone them and you chose OM over them will stay in their broken hearts for a long long time. As long as you are with OM you know very well the girls will not ever go there or accept your choice.
I will also protect my girls. I am a father and I am doing my job as one.
I wish you peace and happiness.
Irish
Your answer was perfect.
You clearly stated that you won't be friend zoned and that she needs to dump the other man in order to regain respect from the girls and from you.
You are not letting her eat cake.
I believe that she will just do that at some point.
She will dump the other man and she will apologize for everything she did. She will also try to contact the girls at that point.
I think your situation will improve a lot at some point.
Irish,
I'm very sorry to read that you've injured your foot. I hope it heals quickly.
As for your wife, some of the MLCers begin to contact their former spouses once the divorce is final. Why? Because the pressure is off of them to come back into the relationship. Also, they want to be able to say that even though you are divorced, you can be friends and it makes them look good in the eyes of the world.
As for the girls calling their mother...I'm right there w/you. They are old enough to decide whether they want to contact her or not. She's the one that needs to find a way to mend the broken fences...not you or the girls.
Generally, MLCers do not come right out and apologize. They tend to skirt around the apology and talk about having regrets, etc.
You've stated how you feel about being friends. I can still remember when my xh suggested being friends and I said it wasn't happening after all of the damage he had left behind. His comment was "Everyone I know that is divorced are friends and do things together now that they are divorced". I pointed out that his friends had children and were tied up in joint financial ventures and had to get along. I pointed out that we had absolutely nothing left in the way of joint ventures or children to keep up connected. He finally realized that I was not going to be his friend, which in his mind, he thought being friendly would allow him to ask for things from my home after being gone 5 years and married to ow at least 2 years.
Being friends to a MLCer doesn't mean the same thing that we think of when we say we are friends. They don't understand what the true meaning of "being friends" means.
I do think you've handled the entire situation w/class. You've stated very plainly what you will or will not do and she's having a difficult time understanding that the choices she made have impacted everyone, not just herself. However, as time rolls on, she will begin to see more and more of the damage she's left behind.
You are doing a wonderful job in protecting your girls.
You da man!!! Irish
An understanding of the situation and the means to act in a way that shows true character.
Love it.
Mirage
I think your situation will improve a lot at some point.
Hi Cld
I don't think at all about my situation with her. I think about me and my girls and our happiness.
As for your wife, some of the MLCers begin to contact their former spouses once the divorce is final. Why? Because the pressure is off of them to come back into the relationship. Also, they want to be able to say that even though you are divorced, you can be friends and it makes them look good in the eyes of the world.
Generally, MLCers do not come right out and apologize. They tend to skirt around the apology and talk about having regrets, etc.
Hi Job :-)
I believe this is happening as well. I didn't expect it a day after the notary papers were signed. She is trying the guilt trip and the be nice tactics. I will not fall for either. I won't be the lighthouse either since she is still with OM. I will continue the best path for me.. and my girls of course.
Hey Mirage, It's been a long time. Thanks for the support.
Got home from work and opened my personal email. XW hasn't written to that email address in a long long time. There's a message from her talking about a vaccine for teenage girls ( i am already on this )
What really made me mad was .."hope your injury wasn't too severe and i wish you a speedy recovery".
I did post a pic of my new boot as a cast yesterday morning. All in private. My Facebook has been turned off to anyone outside my friends.
I do have some friends that were XW's. It makes me mad that she would have them spy on my page for her. They say MLC'r watch us from afar. Park outside our houses and ask about us. I will have nothing to do with that.
I asked her who told her. She replies a friend and she doesn't have to tell me.
I mention 2 names and she replies.. you are sick, you need help...
so it went from pity me, be my friend to I'm sick.
not sure if I reply or not at all this point. lol
Irish
I wouldn't reply back to her at this time. Her guilt is eating at her and she will do anything to have contact w/you and the girls at this time. Leave her to stew in her pot of juices for a while.
Now that the pressure is off of her, i.e., paperwork signed, she's turning her focus on trying to stay connected w/you the only way she knows how...the children. Yes, you are doing the right thing by being civil to her, but you do not need to respond to her missives unless it's important or directly related to the girls at this time. She needs to miss what she had and has now lost.
BTW, I don't think the friends told her. I think she may have visited their FB pages and found you there and clicked on the info and saw what you posted.
As for you, my friend, take care of that foot, continue moving forward and keep the focus on you and your girls.
I love your state of mind vis a vis ex.
Right on! Focus needs to remain on your girls and yourself.
dislocated finger? fractured foot? smh friend, what the heck are you doing over there? At least you had fun, right?
In all seriousness, you sound solid and strong and I am very proud of you for not falling into her trap. Take care of yourself !!! xoxoxo
Irish - I so admire your determination to not allow your life or the life of your daughters to be re-routed by all that outside insane chatter.
It inspires me to do the same in my sitch. I love watching you stay the sane course!
Just be the lighthouse for you and your D's. Best to you Irish.
Thank you Job, Bttrfly , HaWho and Gwen. xxx thank you so much for the support
update on my foot/. Its healing extremely fast and I should be BOOT free in a week or so. I am disappointed that I wont be able to run the 6K Xmen race this year. It's next week. Better to heal properly and race another day.
As for replying to my EX.. I did. a day later. Her calling me sick got to me. I know , I know. let it roll off you.
I needed to express my thoughts on the subject. I said it as politely as possible.
" i'm sick ? I guess it was I would abandoned my kids and putting OM first instead of caring for the girls in their time of need. Separation is traumatic and a life changing event.
You did this and you and you alone are to blame.
I took care of and am still taking care of them as I did since the day they were born. I am raining them the way we planed.
If me doing that is crazy in your la la land.. well I must be the looniest, wackiest and craziest one of the bunch.
don't ever call me crazy of sick again. Get help or better advise."
I left it at that and no response. Some truth arrows and what do I have to lose. Nada.
X-SIL did message me (first time in 7 months). Saying she had something to tell me later that night and she was so happy I am with the girls and keeping them stable. Loves me for the man I am (her own father bailed on her and my Ex when their mom went MLC.)
That night .. no call, no text , no message.
My worst fear is ex-FIL has passed on. He is suffering from terminal cancer. We haven't seen him since last fall. The girls were so upset seeing him sick and angry at his own daughter because she is repeating history. I haven't called him since Xmas.. and they never reached out to me after that.
i'm thinking I should. will talk it over with the girls.
hope everyone is well
Irish
I'm glad to read that your foot is healing nicely. Don't over do it once the boot comes off!
Sometimes we have to send those truth darts out to let them know that we aren't going to take their nonsense. I doubt that you'll hear from her for a bit because she knows she over stepped herself by saying the things that she did.
I think I would reach out to the X-SIL and ask what she wanted to speak to you about. Evidently, it may not have been too important if she didn't contact you again.
Talk to your girls about their grandfather. You might want to reach out to him to see how he's doing. I would hate for him to pass on and you not have spoken or seen him in quite a while. There is no harm in reaching out to him at this stage of his life.
Take care of yourself! Give the girls hugs and kisses and remind them each and every day that they are special in their own way.
I know it's very hard to resist the temptation to fight back, Irish, and I don't know how I would have acted if I were you.
I just know that avoiding arguments it's always the best thing to do and it's very hard to do.
Keep smiling my friend.
My ex FIL died in 2013. I found out the day of the funeral cause my D text me. He and I had a great relationship. I did not go to his services. I had not had any communications with him since my stich started.tough stuff
Things have settled down.
Both my daughters birthdays have passed and XW is gone back missing in action. She'll be popping her head out again at XMas.
Last message I got was 3 days ago. Her telling me that she is a good mom. Paying her child support and will not pay a penny more.
Now this is court ordered payments. Really nothing more than a couple hundred bucks that will cover the girls cell phone bills.
I guess she feels good paying it. Oh well. Of that what being a mom is well congrats to her for making it.
What is the definition of dead beat? Because she pays the court ordered amount, does that make her a responsible mom. She wouldn't contribute a penny if it wasn't court ordered. I say she's a dead beat because their is no emotional or physical love towards them.
Got the girls all ready for school. They are excited. I'm so lucky that they are grounded and not rebelling. God has blessed us.
I sent the receipts to her via my lawyer. If she pays half I'll be surprised lol
I didn't get that message from my Ex-SIL. So I guess her reaching out was for nothing. It leaves questions in the back of my mind though. I'll shake it off
Hope all is well with everyone
Irish,
What kind of woman was your wife like 3 years ago?
I am just curious and trying to understand those MLCers a bit more.
Hi Cld
My wife and not my XW
You see they are total opposites now
My wife (who I do miss) was an amazing, living person
My ex - I wouldn't hold the door open for or give her the time of day
I'll break her down as 2 people because thaton what I see her as now.
Wife.
Laughed a lot, loved family time, travel, activities, our pets, hugged the girls every minute she had. Was my partner, sat with me on my office if I had to work late to keep me company or to keep her company
She was bubbly, positive, smiling and good. Never drank and quit smoking before we had kids.
We never argued and if we did it was something so small that it was settled before we went to sleep. We talked a lot. Amazing mother.
My ex , who took over my wife's body and soul came into the picture when her dad got terminal cancer and her mom decided to trash talk him and reveal all their horrible stories. My ex cried and cried. Hated her father for what he did.
Little did I know her mothers story became her own. Everything her mom told her about her dad, she decided I did the same to her.
She neglected and abandoned her kids, started smoking and drinking heavily.
Tattoos and now a shaved head dyed purple.
Told her daughters she didn't want to be a mom and too bad for them for not having any future family vacations, the perfect family is over.
She Has the OM who has bad brown teeth and missing quite a few of them. Is a crack head druggy that lives on a poor part of a town 50 mins away.
Has filed for bankruptcy and lost nearly everything she took with her when she left.
2 different people . My wife is dead
Wow Irish!
I can totally relate with you!
My wife was amazing as well!
She was smiling, caring, called me or texted me several times throughout the day. We ate at restaurants several times each week with and without the kids, we picked blueberries, went for train rides, drove to Washington DC and to California from Michigan. We never missed family parties and had great projects as well.
One day this year she died as well.
She gave me a restraining order and filed for divorce out of the blue after I spanked our daughter on the bottom, I only spanked her 4 times in 7 years. She bad-mouths me in front of the children, she tried to make me see the children as little as possible, she tried to destroy my business, my only source of income right now. I am glad that there is a restraining order that prevents me to argue with her because things would be much worse now had I done that. It looks like she wants reasons to punish me even more and arguing with her would do that. Recently she complained with her lawyer that I gave our son a haircut, unbelievable!
Mother in-law blames it all on me because she doesn't know about midlife crisis when in reality she is to blame for all the trouble she caused her daughter during childhood and now it's all coming out.
Wow guys. This whole situations are AMAZING. It's like they are all reading from she same script...
My ex too loved going to the police with false claims. It was the police who came to me to warn me that there was something wrong with her.
When she changed she got shark eyes, couldn't look at me.
My kids are older 14 and 16. They also saw that their mom was gone. I have them full time. They last saw her Aug 2 or 4 2015.
My MIL had her own MLC and told me to let her go, that this is something she needs to do.
Ohh I let her go alright. NC has been an amazing part of my detachment. I don't snoop on her FB or ask about her. The person she is now I do not want in my life.
The only time I hear from her is XMas and birthdays. She shows clarity and the old her. I don't fall for it or give her a chance because I know it's short lived.
Now if I rate MLC on a scale of 1-10 . I give her a 12
I'll list out her new personality later this morning.
My ex too loved going to the police with false claims. It was the police who came to me to warn me that there was something wrong with her.
When she changed she got shark eyes, couldn't look at me.
My kids are older 14 and 16. They also saw that their mom was gone. I
Irish,
Same here!
She made several false claims in court:
1. that if she tried to divorce me I would kill her
2. that I would take the kids out of the country
3. that if child protective service ever came I would lock and load
and much more....
She got shark eyes as well and can't look at me in the eyes!
The judge understood that there was something wrong with her and ordered a psychological evaluation and the results were:
1. Her mom divorced her father out of the blue when she was 7 (my daughter now is 7 and she is doing the same to me)
2. She has intrusive thoughts
3. She has mild schizophrenia, the tends to distort reality
3. She has mild anxiety
4. She tends to see things black and white with a self-righteous stance
I have read that the length of the MLC is directly proportional to the amount of NC, in other words, the more we ignore them and let them to their thing, the faster they will come out of the MLC.
Also I have read that when they do come back, they will apologize for everything under the sun and they will work very hard to restore the relationship, and that's when we need to be accepting to them.
Hiya, Cld.
You wrote:
I have read that the length of the MLC is directly proportional to the amount of NC, in other words, the more we ignore them and let them to their thing, the faster they will come out of the MLC.
Also I have read that when they do come back, they will apologize for everything under the sun and they will work very hard to restore the relationship, and that's when we need to be accepting to them.
This caught my attention because I wonder about the source ^^^ right there. Just so you know, I am a reformed former badass MLCer and I do come by around this forum to lend support/assistance whenever possible.
Was that from a book or.....? I'd like to know the name of the book (or whatever source it came from).
I posted to a poster in the Newcomer forum that the MLC is not a recognized "disorder" by the APA nor is it in the DSM-IV manual. Too frequently, many therapists and psychologists are very skeptical of MLC and scoff at the notion that MLC is indeed real...not some fictionalized balding middle-aged man driving a red Ferrari with a 20-something GF.
So you could say that I am interested in learning more about the "source" you just posted here.
Thanks....
Wonka,
It was from an article that I read online and it made sense to me.
Imagine if I begged my wife now every day to come back, that would just turn her off even more and I would look like a loser in her eyes, plus she wouldn't be free to find herself and find out what she really wants, if she really wants to be with me for the rest of her life or if she wants another man or even stay single and focus on career and kids.
By completely leaving her alone and cutting my communication to a minimum only about the kids, I give her the freedom to rediscover herself and eventually hopefully she will find out sooner what she wants and decide that it's best to just keep the family together for her own sanity and for everyone happiness.
Thanks for the response, Cld. Wonder if you could just write either the article title or the author's name so I can Google it myself. Or the full date of the article and magazine name.
Thanks...
Google "shorten your spouses' midlife crisis"
I don't agree on the above Cld.
No 2 situations are the same and no 2 people are the same.
There are too many factors. Similar actions and behaviour traits yes. But the core of the person is determined but so much more.
Age, gender, upbringing, metal and physical health.
Many have other issues such as ADD, anxiety, bi polar, alcohol/ substance abuse, ADHD, eating disorders, paranoia, schizophrenia, and I could go on
Add hormonal imbalance.
OM/OW, enablers.
Now top that off with you. The LBS.
Some of us are calm and loving, some controling and jealous.
We have our own issues as per the lists above that played a roll in this. We didn't cause it but we didn't help it either.
Please don't try to map your W by compairing it to other W's that went MLC
2 yrs, 4yrs , 7yrs or maybe forever
Don't waste your time waiting .
If she comes out of it and wants back you will have grown so much that you might chose to continue your own path and not take her back.
I agree with you, Irish.
Situations are all different.
Having said that I will not put another woman in front of my children, I will just stay single and have a relationship with my children instead.
My main goal right now is to make enough money so that they can run my business someday or go to college if they wish to do so.
Preserving their emotional well being is also a high priority so that they won't have problems with their relationships when they grow up or develop mental illnesses.
If she comes out of it and wants back you will have grown so much that you might chose to continue your own path and not take her back.
Having said that I will not put another woman in front of my children, I will just stay single and have a relationship with my children instead.
Cld,
Again you equate GAL and growing with having a relationship with another woman.
Why?
That's not what anyone is saying.
Irish, sorry for the hijack.
Hi Drew
No problem on the hijack . Open discussion is for all.
I put my kids first. They need more love than ever. Abandonment of their mother has huge effects on them that will last a lifetime.
I kept our day to day the same but added to it.
At first they wanted to move out of the house.
I refused . It's our home . Great memories.
My XW was in the house as monster for less than 2 months. So those bad memories do it hold.
My girls redecorated their rooms, help change the living room and even helped me make some furniture from scratch.
Today they call it their house. They are happy I didn't sell.
I also kept vacations as they were . New memories created without XW. Also went to places we visited with W over the years and reclaimed those as ours.
I will not let my kids become crisis kids . This cycle of MLC will not continue with them.
With all that said . I do have a female friend. She is understanding of the situation.
I don't and won't introduce the kids to her just yet and I don't give her the ideas of long term. I am not ready as I am still healing.
Cld it's great you put your kids first but think of CLd. If you can't see another women right now then ok, you are not ready.
Don't close any doors in the future . You never know what could come your way.
Irish,
the grass is not greener on the other side of the pond, it's only greener where we water it. I am very confident that I will reconcile with my ex wife someday, and I will be here to prove it to you.
I am already writing a book called "How I turned my marriage around".
I am not going to throw away a 10 year relationship with two children and start from scratch especially after I learned that midlife crises are temporary.
Watch this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHvV55IpAxk
Cld
We all make our own choices. My XW is in her crisis pretty deep.
I will have a life, what happens in the coming months and years will happen.
I will continue to raise and love my girls and put them first.
What I won't do is wait for my XW to wake up. I have a life to live .
I listened to the mp3 link from the Google search. It's very interesting but most of it has been said here over the years.
I look forward to reading your book
Glad to hear you're doing well Irish...lady friend??....relax and enjoy, and I think it's a good idea to wait a while before introducing to the girls.
Cld- interesting that you are working on a book and I truly hope things work out well for you....if you do manage to save your M, then you'll really have something to write about!
Best wishes to you both xx
Hi Sotto
Yes friend.
I'm in no rush and things just happen. The girls are no way ready and I would never force it on them.
My friend knows my situation and no pressure. It's actually nice to have a companion, no pressure and enjoy activities we both like.
As I said before. I'm not waiting for my XW to wake up. She has a long way to go and no one can guarantee what the final product will be of she wakes up.
I'm just living my life and I think it's a good thing.
In a few years I'll see where I am. If XW is back and has caught up to my process then we will see. I'm not a gambling man so I won't bet on it .
Hi Irish,
Lucky lady friend and luckier daughters who have a dad who continues and will always put them first. You are a prize my friend! So much more patient than I am ...
Hi bttrfly
Xx great hearing from you and don't underestimate your patience :-)
I am actually the lucky one to have found a friend that understands me.
I see her maybe 2 times a week ( movies, hiking, dinners and talks)
No pressure for a relationship or expectations.
I'm not ready for love or commitments as I still have work to do on me.
My girls start school next week and right now that's my priority.
Healing my foot is also on my list. :-)
Hugs
Irish
How is the foot healing? Are the girls ready to return to school? Our kids went back yesterday.
Irish, I'm glad you've found a friend that understands you and can share in activities w/you. There is absolutely nothing wrong in having a friend and you are taking things very slowly and no knows where the friendship will go, but enjoy the time along the way.
Darlin' don't mistake restraint for patience!!!
How's it going with the foot?
xoxoxo
Irish - Patience and restraint are very important tools to master in life and with new relationships. Glad you are enjoying life and continuing to put the girls first in a healthy way.
How goes the foot?
Hi Job, bttrfly and Gwen (((xox)))
my foot is healing nicely. as per my last x-ray the Dr. said it was healing faster than normal and I should be space boot free by labor day. I hope so, because I am bringing the girls states side to a Six Flags. Then I'm off to Vegas for a trade show.
I was reading some of the other LBS sitches today, one in particular that is here for all the wrong reasons. I think it was Job who asked if that person was in some sort of MLC themselves. I think when we do arrive here lost and confused we are in a state of depression ourselves. It's only after being here and listening to the amazing advise that we see clarity and start our own journey.
I know for myself I am a better person. a better listener and I don't take things for granted anymore.
The love for my kids has not changed. I am as close to them as I was the day they were born. God made it this way to prepare us for my XW departure.
Someone asked me not long ago if I'd help my XW if she asked for it.
I would. She is the mother of my kids. I do love her.
That same person asked me why? Why would i give her the time of day if she did wake up.
I said because I am a better person now because of her MLC. Old me would of held a grudge and shut her out forever. XW knows that of my old character so she probably wouldn't try lol . Oh is that me mind reading.
I hope you all fine peace with yourselves. This journey is still young for me and I'm sticking around here for the long haul.
hugs
What would signify to you that she was waking up?
I wonder about this sometimes. Mine is a vanisher too. On holidays, he reaches out and sends messages, "I miss you guys, blah, blah, blah..."
The last time it happened, I shut it down, because it was too painful to deal with for all of us. He's been out of our lives, gradually removing himself completely, since Jan. 2012.
I sometimes wonder if I'd even recognize the changes if he actually was coming out of the fog.
Hi Lois
Mine pops her head out of the tunnel long enough to show the old her. Then runs right back in
Now I'm only a year in and a year she moved out and hasn't seem the kids. What I would consider as waking up for my XW would be a total break down, crying, asking for help, remorse and apologies.
I only say this because 10 years ago when she had her quarter life crisis that is what she did.
Me helping her would take a long time. She would have a lot of work to do but so will my girls and myself.
I think the next time she pops her head out I won't act the way I did in the past. I see now that I still had a lot of hurt. She can't hurt me anymore. So any sign of her I'll just say "hi"
Irish,
I know that you are hurting and the hurt comes to the surface every time she contacts you. In her mind, she has not fully grasped the amount of hurt and pain that you have suffered and what the children have and continue to go through.
I think you are on the right track...the next time she contacts you, it wouldn't hurt to say "Hi, how are you doing?" and you might be surprised at her behavior. Sometimes, they do reach out to us because truly we are their lifeline. Yes, I know, they cut that cord when the Mother Ship left earth, but in their minds, they are still connected to us. Being polite doesn't mean that you are allowing her back into your life, it just makes it easier to get along for the sake of the children.
BTW, that is good news about your foot! You'll be ready for Six Flags and all the rides!
Just my two cents.
HI Irish
I think its all about our energy
They can sense it even if we don't have contact
If we can't find a way to forgiveness maybe not totally -but 75%
and out of anger and hurt they can sense it and maybe feel safe to contact
The journey they are on is theirs and will take whatever amount of time needed
some never recuperate and live in denial and addictions and we are powerless over their choice
forgiveness takes time but helps us to heal and let go-
it was not about the marriage, the kids or us
it was about their inability to navigate through life as it was and their issues of the past
rarely do we hear about a MLCer leaving and advancing into a successful life with a great new partner and happiness and success
instead:
its usually loss of job, loss of income, drug addict partner they choose and addictive lifestyle
Hi job
You are so correct. I am at the point where I'm tired of telling her what she did to the girls and Why I don't want be her friend at this time.
I really feel free from that circus now. It's a good feeling.
Peace , I am one with energy. I felt this horror approaching before BD, I felt her hurt each time she sat in mediation. Dark eyes, soulless but clearly suffering inside.
I have recently disconnect from her energy and I feel nothing now. Such a weight off my shoulders.
Update
Well I am states side for the long weekend. Parasailing ( boot permitted ) , amusement park and boating. New York State has so much to offer. Love it here. I invited my brother, his kids and my parents. We are going to have an amazing time.
I got a text before I left Home. XW, wishing me a nice weekend out of the blue. Also said the girls are so beautiful.
I posted a pic of them together for the first day of school on FaceBook. I presume somone showed it to XW.
Her message felt more like a coworker writing me. Saying your girls look so pretty and have a nice weekend. Nothing more nothing less. I replied simply" Yes they are and thanks."
Think this will be my new approach in communication with her. I feel my anger slipping away. Forgiveness is still far away but I'm happy that anger is gone.
Have a great weekend
Hugssss
Irish
Irish,
Your XW is puzzling me. That's really strange that a mother leaves both daughters with the father and doesn't want to see them for a year. And you said that they loved each other before she moved?
Is she jealous of her daughters that they are young and lively while she is getting old and now she wants to compete with them?
What's going on in her mind?
Where did the mother instinct go?
I truly believe that she will come back soon. A mother cannot do that to her daughters for very long I believe.
Hi Cld
Glad you stuck around.
My ex's mother instinct is in the same place as her empathy, compassion and remorse.
You need to remember. MLCrs distance themselves from the person closest to them. Their spouse. We are enemy number 1, the cause of all their pains and the reason of their unhappiness.
Our girls were very close to their mom. We were a tight 4. Our wedding 4 yrs ago included a special ceremony with our girls. She could not be without them for more than one night.
So I can only assume she can't face them. They are older children, teens. They are wise to her actions. So she feels judge by them as she did with me. Unable to make eye contact.
Most MLCrs are terrible parents while in their crisis. They leave the kids with grandparents, babysitters or just make up sad excuses of why they can't pick their kids up on their weekends.
I believe she will wake up. Soon?? I don't think so. She is still very much a teen and deep in replay.
Irish
Enjoy your holiday weekend and I do hope that you can manage well w/the boot. Sounds like it's going to be a great time for all and lots of happy memories in the making.
Communication for your wife is difficult. She knows that she's messed up royally and also doesn't know how to mend things. She makes an attempt to get you to open up, but she falls flat. Why? Guilt maybe, afraid of what you may say, no one knows for sure what goes on in their heads. However, they do find excuses to touch base w/us when e least expect it.
I'm glad to read that your anger is slipping away. It takes a lot of time to keep that anger brewing.
Irish, you are doing well. The girls are so lucky to have you as their father.
Irish,
It's interesting that things were very well before the legal marriage and that they went down hill after it 4 years ago, correct me if I am wrong.
I remember that my wife was very nervous when we got married. She associated our marriage with all the pain she had to endure during her parents marriage and divorce I believe.
Marriage scared her very much and I didn't understand it, It was a very happy day for me.
I am trying mind reading here, maybe getting married slowly contributed to your wife entering in midlife crisis mode, and now that she is not married anymore she might try to get back together and restore the family. I see her message where she says "have a good weekend and the girls are beautiful as a positive sign". It almost looks like she wants you to be aware that she will come back soon and wants to know if you and the girls are ready to accept her. More mind reading on my side.
CLd
Here's a quick summary of my XW fall into MLC
Several months before BD
Her dad was diagnosed with cancer. Terminal. We visited him she was devastated.
She went into a small depression. Not wanting to do anyrhing but escape reality with TV shows on Netflix for hours and sometimes days.
Her MOther ( who is seperated from her father due to her own MLC) never gave my XW validation or approval. My XW saw her mom 2-3 times a year and always criticized my XW bringing her to tears each time they spoke.
My XW during her parents MLC had no stability no love. Was shipped to aunts and left alone to deal with it all. She didn't get the tools.
Her mother now knowing my XW was so hurt by her fathers cancer invited my XW over for mommy/daughter time. My XW was happy. Finally her mom was acting like a mom.
Little did I know their alone time became talks about my XW youth and why her mother left her father.
My XW would come home crying. Saying she hates her father , never wants to see him again.
Her mom bashed the guy. Told my XW that he beat my XW mom. Threatened her and cheated. He was controlling and manipulative. He was a horrible man. She never should of married him.
XMIL left her husband and kids and went out with multiple guys and ending up dating the worst guy in town. A sleaze ( XSIL confirmed it) she was having a MLC that lasted 3 years . She came out of it but xFIL had his own depression and moved on. XMIL came out of her MLC a narcissistic woman. My XSIL confirmed she was not the same woman she was before MLC
BD1 was a month after that. Her moms stories of her dads character became my XW story about me.
Only I know the truth, walk with my head up, give my daughters love and helping them get the tools they need to not have this happen to them .
It is my only goal here.
Irish
Irish, it is truly astounding how much all of our stories have in common...
You are obviously a great dad and at the right time as your daughters will go through a transition of their own (puberty). I too have a daughter, albeit half the age of your youngest, so I am hoping to stave off puberty for a little while longer.
Stay strong brother, you are trul doing gret...
How was your weekend Irish?
Good time with your girls?
Irish,
Please start a new thread.