Hi all.....well I've been up since 5 am...again thinking and I can not comprehend the things my h ( on paper only nowadays) has done. From an outsiders point of view it must be mad and for me living it devastating.
To summarise may 2015 I don't love you anymore, I'm unhappy
August 2015 leaves me
October 2015 introduces kids to ow ( I find out he's been texting and ringing for months)
November 2015 tells kids he's seeing her
February 2016 moves in with her
Since then if I thought his behaviour was awful before it is escalated to new heights. Refusing to pay me more money, saying he is not responsible for financially supporting me, if I can't afford the house I need to find new living arrangements, if I file for divorce hell agree..........
I believe I am done....I am going to take control and take his sorry backside to mediation and ensure myself and the kids are financially secure and I don't stress anymore.
Everything by up until this point has been dictated by his choices, how much money I get, how he hurts me and the kids, he's even trying to dictate child access. It's time to realise that the h I loved so much.....kind thoughtful, loving, is gone to me. He has turned into a selfish, self entitled monster.
Mid life crisis....probably.....everyone says so, his friends, mother etc.....but the hurt and pain he has caused me and the kids is unjustifiable. .
His choice to live with ow and her d rather than his wife and his own kids. His choice to bleat on about how he doesn't see the kids enough. His choice to abandon me and the kids...his choices now will see him slip down into a life of regret.....his choice
He has lost me, the best thing that ever happened to him
Previous Thread:
A letter to my h
Ok moving forward, I am going to take legal advise before going for mediation so I know where I'm at. My dad has given me the money to take legal advise.
Enough is enough....how h can think he can just walk out and put mine and the kids home at risk is crazy.
He keeps baiting me to file for divorce now....not him. Saying that if he filed he would have to list negative things about me that I won't accept .
What he's done is mad.
I'm glad you are going to seek the advice of a lawyer. Once you know what your options are, keep that info to yourself for the time being. Let your h rant and rave about what he'll say or do if he has to file. The only reason he's saying that is because if he files, he has to pay for the filing and he also doesn't want to come off looking like a bad guy and can then say "she filed".
Do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your children financially.
I'm trying job, that's why i want to take legal advise before taking him to mediation for money. He's also started banging on about the equity in the house!!
He's even surprised when I said no to taking the kids to France in summer, he doesn't understand why they should miss out.......really ......because their dad walked out to be with ow, he doesn't pay enough to keep roof over their heads but he wants to play Disney dad and taken on holiday. The man is deluded
Mia, you need to get the financials sorted through the court. Unfortunately telling him how to spend $$$$$ isn't going to be productive in any way. Once the court decides how much he is to pay in support & what martial property he is entitled to than he can do whatever he wants with whatever $$ is left. It may be the stupidest thing ever to vacation in France BUT that is not your decision to make anymore.
His actions are his actions and you can't control what he does. You CAN and SHOULD seek legal advice and sort out the financial & visitation aspects. Unfortunately as awful as it is taking the kids to France with or without OW isn't your choice.
Wow spoke to mil last night. She's taking the kids away this weekend and shed invited my h. He was hankering for an invite for ow but my mil was adamant she just wanted to c her grandkids.
Anyway she said that he's not coming on the trip as he says that he wants the 5 of them to be a unit ( as in him, her my kids and the daughter) so he's missing out on an extra weekend seeing the kids . All his crap about child access and when he gets an extra weekend he's not taking it...because of her...he's mad
Hi Mia, that's interesting and a nice show of support from MIL who clearly isn't happy about recent choices he has made. Yes, if he hopes OW will be readily accepted by all, he may be disappointed. Though in your sitch I understand they actually didn't get together until after you guys had S?
Hope things are going well for you otherwise Mia, and just keep moving forwards :)xx
Mm mm Sotto, they were together b4 we separated...constant talking and texts...just because he won't admit it doesn't make it less true.
Twinmom I disagree, I have not given consent for h to take the kids to France, I have not denied access just not this. He seems to think him, her, d and our kids are a 'unit' ...... Please
I am waiting cheque to clear so I can see a solicitor. He is completely mental
Wow spoke to mil last night. She's taking the kids away this weekend and shed invited my h. He was hankering for an invite for ow but my mil was adamant she just wanted to c her grandkids.
Anyway she said that he's not coming on the trip as he says that he wants the 5 of them to be a unit ( as in him, her my kids and the daughter) so he's missing out on an extra weekend seeing the kids . All his crap about child access and when he gets an extra weekend he's not taking it...because of her...he's mad
Mm mm, we'll update, my mil dropped in to see h and ow on her way back from bringing kids home. And she didn't tell me. I am angry at that. Can't trust her either.
Heard something quite sad yesterday...my sons birthday is on Friday, his dad asked him f he wanted him to see him. My son said that no, he wanted to sleep lots as he was having a sleepover so he could FaceTime him instead. I asked son if dad looked disappointed and he thought about and said, yeah I think so then dropped it.
Also when h went to see our youngest a play, a friends partner said that no one sat near him. That is so sad and pitiful.
Hi Mia, I can understand your focus on your H and the scrutiny of some of the things that are happening. However, at some point (and we all get to this in our own time) it is freeing to let some of the interest in his life go...to not worry about what MIL may be doing or saying. To not worry about Dad's reaction about birthday stuff...
As much as you can (and I know this isn't easy) it does help to relax the grip on his life and live your own with an open heart as well as you can given all circumstances. I still think you are holding on tightly and in anger, and I do think the baby steps towards building a rich new life for ourselves and letting them be, working towards release and forgiveness are the best things we can do for ourselves.
What things are you doing for yourself and to move forwards positively without him at this point? Are you making some nice plans for you that bear no relation to him at all my friend?
Hope you are enjoying the heatwave :)xx
I know......it's just hard to see how we got here.
How he has gotten so mean.
How he can live away from his kids.
How he can live with another child.
It's just crazy, he is a different person, or maybe this is what he has always been and I never saw it. Crazy
Okay, I get all of that - truly I do and I have been there too Mia. My question to you is how are you going to move yourself forward given all of this - regardless of what he may be doing?
Hi all,
Haven't posted for a while but here's what is going on.
H has told me to file for divorce as if he did he would say negative things about me that I wouldn't accept but I could say anything about him and he'd agree.
When he dropped the kids back last Saturday from their 'holiday' I told him he needed to stop bullying me with regards to the kids and that as I had primary residency he had to ask my permission for certain things. He responded that I had to do the same but and I said I did not ( I have this in writing from a solicitor)
When I said he couldn't agree with his family neighbours that they could take trips on weekends on my scheduled weekend...( referring to a weekend trip that eventually agreed the kids would take with mil) h says I agreed this with his mum ( Reuters agreed, contributed to the cost, then I had to go with it )
Confronted on cancelling my phone the weekend kids were away ...h says it ran to the end of contract ( we no...contract ends January) then said it wasn't. Cancelled that weekend ( it was working on Friday dead on Saturday)
Asked about removing pics of me off Facebook and blocking me --- h says he hasn't deleted anything and he doesn't use the account anymore.
I found the money I gave him last year to pay his credit cards was not used to pay credit cards ( he now has two with huge debt on) so asked him if he'd used the money to pay them off.....his response is he can't remember !!!
It's just deny deny deny. Is this typical Mlc behaviour. Is he just lying....seriously forgetting ( he seems puzzled when I bring these things up) orbith
Mia,
Glad you returned to post an update. He's saying and doing the typical MLC stuff.
He wants you to file for divorce because you then have to pay for it, as well as it would make him look like the good guy and be able to say "well, she filed". As for saying negative things about you, what can he say? You didn't abandon your family, you didn't go out there and do the stuff he's done? He's trying to manipulate you into filing. If you want to file, then do so, but I would sit back and let him do the dirty work, if you can stand to wait it out. The divorce decree won't change much of anything because he'll still be in crisis and saying and doing stuff. The only thing the decree will do is protect you and your children from any debt he incurs, etc. Also it will free both of you to move on w/your lives and find someone else to love and hopefully have a relationship...but again, it's your call to file first or not.
I have merged your two threads together since your previous thread had less than 20 postings.
Thanks job, couldn't find this thread.
He's being ridiculous.....he's also moving again ( 4th place he will lived in within a year....) to be closer to the kids. Seems it's dawned on him that he lives miles away...only took him a year.
His behaviour is odd....his mother said he doesn't seem to be doing anything different than he was doing with me. He's also told his m he is determined to make this relationship work with ow......the man is mad
Mia,
Some do tend to move quite a bit. I know my xh moved 4 times the first 18 months and have 5 mailing addresses to which mail was going to. He could be moving again to be closer to the kids or maybe the rent is to high or the place isn't all that it's cracked up to be. He may also have discovered that each place didn't make him feel any better. They crave change, hoping it will make them feel better.
As for his mother, she may not seen any changes because he's wearing a mask around her. It took my xMIL a while to witness some of the odd behavior. Trust me, the mask he's wearing around her will eventually drop. I wouldn't put much stock in what he's told his mother. They say all sorts of things along the way. If the relationship works out, fine, if it doesn't, he'll either stay w/her out of pride or move on to the next one....but whatever he does...don't dwell on it.
Always remember, you only have control over you and what you do and how you react to his behavior. You have to make your own choices, set boundaries, continue to move forward and yes...keep the focus on you and your children.
Thanks job, well he has told the kids he's moving to be nearer as my friend stated its a village with back roads so the mount of time probably won't be much different. I can't imagine it's cheaper as he's moving into the same county as us which is a more expensive county.
As time goes on even if he wanted to come back I'm starting to wonder if I could ever forgive him. Personally I think he's living with massive regret but he's stuck.
The holiday he took the kids on.....the kids don't speak particularly highly of it
They don't speak particularly highly of ow...indifference is the word that comes to mind........don't think all is as rosey as I've previously thought...and yes that gives me some peace of mind.
So he's got her....he's lost the everyday relationship with his kids, his home, his self respect......which bit is he happy with....he got the girl!! He had the girl....all he has now is a mediocre replacement at best
Ahhhh interesting....was chatting to kids last night....and h is moving closer ( not that much but a bit) and my eldest mentioned that he had asked him whether he wished to stay over mid week.....it's not going to happen, far too disruptive in term time...
I also can understand where he is getting some of his advice...ow....who apparently shares joint residency with her ex....... Mmmmm a bit more difficult if she is moving away.
What is h doing....even the kids comment on how 'ridiculous' some of his ideas/ decisions have been
Anyone around for some supportive comments
HI Mia
Just read through some of your situation
I totally understand your confusion regarding H because it is all new
They totally change during the crises and as it progresses, some get worse in replay
They forget or possibly don't see the responsibility about money and kids as they used to
Many go in debt, take up with a younger OW or older OW
Usually they affair DOWN…their current partner may have addiction issues, control issues, psych issues
some lose jobs..many of them seem to leave decent homes , financial security and stable environments to live on the Wild side for a while
His mother and family also probably are in denial or can't fully see the crises the way we do- as we are learning and reading and we see it..others may not
people that move a lot, that can be an addiction also
They are trying to find anyway possible to Feel Good as much as possible
MY XH also said His new girl made him feel good and she treated him as equal--
Fast forward many years read my current thread, and you will see where my XH is NOW
You are doing well
Put your focus on your well being
take the best care of you and kids as possible
work on forgiveness--takes time
I promise you the LBS always comes out better and stronger and lands on their feet, while the MLCer sometimes does and most often NOT
hang in
it gets easier with each passing day until it no longer effects you at all
peace
Hi Mia, I'm so pleased to hear from you as I though you were gone. I hope that going back today to work wasn't too bad.
I can't give you much advice but I do think you of you.
Bad typo: it was meant to read thinking of you
Not back at work yet rouky. Monday is first day back.
Spoke to h last night because our son had been ill and was telling him what the problem was.
He's such a dufus. I emailed him to tell him son was ill he said he'd emailed me back ( he hadn't) . Was moaning that he had no way of contacting me if needed, I told him he had no need to contact me as I didn't want to speak to him.
He's moving again this weekend. What is he doing!! He's lost his mind. What is he thinking carrying on with this ow, playing house....because he was unhappy. He seems to have forgotten he has a family, 2 kids........ He is acting like a child..... He even told our son that he'd maybe buy a house in 3 years or so....how.
I've survived the summer holidays but I really want to shake him and say what are you doing you stupid man. Get your backside home and beg for forgiveness.
Or maybe it is all true, he doesn't love me ...but then I think what the hell does that mean anyway.
Mia I'm at similar state, I also want to grab H by the shoulders and shake him until he wakes up or gets out of his fog. However I know that is impossible, so I'm trying to be in control of what I can change, myself. I know I'm not responsible for his unhappiness or MLC, but I understand that my biggest mistake was to assume he was happy all this time. I don't think there is much I can do to change the situation so I'm making myself better. I'm better than the OW (he is having an EA with a friend of mine) and I hope that one day he will see that. If not that's his loss, and I'll have to deal with that.
Sorry for the rumbling, I guess all I'm trying to say is to try not to worry about what he does, and concentrate on yourself and your children. Really gloats to do but more constructive than wasting energy on the alien that took over your H's body.
Mia,
I'm glad you advised your h that your son was ill. Is it true that you h has no way of contacting you if an emergency arises? If that is so, then you need to set up a separate email account to allow him to notify you IF your children have emergencies while in his care.
Yes, we all have been tempted one time or another to want to shake them until their heads rolled...but it will do no good at this time. The only thing you can do is continue moving forward, i.e., taking care of you, your children, home and finances. Him? Well, he's still out to lunch for a good while and nothing will snap him out of it until he's ready to face his issues, which it appears he's not ready yet.
Hi esame, I was talking to a male friend today and it was interesting to get a male view.
He basically said h was having a midlife crisis, is behaving like an idiot, the chances of him being happy was highly unlikely but he'd tell people he was.... He also said I should meet with him and tell him that despite what he'd done if he wants to come back he can and we can work this out but it has to be now. He said I should say you've had your year of messing about now time to remember you have responsibilities.
I said I couldn't do that.....I don't know. I'm just tired of this
Mia,
If he's in MLC, he's not going to listen to you. In fact, he'll be more determined to stay out on the streets. Your friend doesn't understand MLC. He means well...
Leave the door ajar if you wish. But remember, actions speak louder than words.
Job , if he has the kids both of them have mobiles and my number is on their phones. As well as that he knows the landline number. When I said that he moaned ' but u said not to call u on that' and I said ' no I said don't leave messages on the landline when ur doing your regular ( intrusive) 7 o'clock to the kids if they don't answer their mobile phones'
He just says he's done/ hasn't done something when the opposite is obviously true. He's turned into a nut job
Yeah I hear you job....but how do leave the door ajar as it were with him knowing but without looking needy?
I am tempted to say to him 'what r u doing' when he picks kids up on Tuesday for their McDonald's
Okay, now I understand about the communication. When you told him not to call on that...in his mind, he took it to heart and then some. As for your children's phones...any old excuse not to do the proper thing. I agree about the boundary setting for the children's phones, etc.
They tend to spout that they are done...but that's in their heads and they are trying to convince you and everyone else, especially themselves. Mine spouted he was done for a long time and when he discovered that I was separating out the bank accounts, removing him from my credit cards and removing myself from his, to protect myself financially, he finally filed...but he didn't do the heavy work because he failed to do the interrogatories, he failed to provide other financial data, etc. I made darn sure I had my ducks in a row even though he filed.
Mia, some of them say this stuff and either drag their feet filing or they don't do a thing about it. The question you have to ask yourself is this...do you want to continue moving forward and leave him out there a while longer or do you want to actually divorce him. Do you want to file? I don't think it's going to change him and the way he's behaving if you file...then again he could become far worse in his behavior. But, that's my opinion.
If you've not read wishing/hoping's threads, you might want to do so. Her postings may help you better navigate your situation and offer up some ideas on how to deal w/your runaway husband.
Whatever you decide to do, do it when you are calm. Anger tends to make us say and do things that we later regret.
Where would I find wishing/ hoping thread.
I don't want a divorce not for me or the kids. He is behaving in the most ridiculous way. Even the way he responds to things like taking the landline phone literally is bizarre. The way he says he hasn't done something when he has .....bizarre.
I did get angry with him yesterday as I find his reasoning so frustrating.
If I file it is me who has to pay and I'm not letting him off that easy
Mia
Most LBS wait it out for a while
No reason to file unless you want or need to
MLC takes time and as time goes on you will get more information of where H is at
Some of them turn around
In the mean time, we can work on healing ourselves
Becoming the best we can be
Work with kindness/compassion toward H, while at the same time totally protecting yourself and your assets and the kids
There is no way to stop him or the crises
Hang in
It will get better in time
I'm going to provide you with her current thread. Each thread should have the link to the previous one. Also, you can locate postings by 1) left clicking on the poster's name and you'll get a drop down of postings; 2) go to the top of the forum and click on the "Search" button and type in the poster's name and the final way 3) got the bottom of the screen, on the left hand side is "Display Options", change the "Show Topics" to "From All dates" hit enter and then you have access to all threads way, way back in time.
wishing, hoping's current thread:
An Update
H is moving again today, .....feeling angry at what he's done...... To me...the kids.....
Why!!! What has he got now........ This is a form of mental and emotional abuse isn't it.
Mia
Im sorry for your pain..I know how much it hurts
It is normal to feel angry and hurt
much of what they are doing makes little sense to us or anyone else
But if it is truly a real crises--they are trying to find a way to feel good without
really solving their problem internally or going to therapy to solve it-
They run in replay to find a new way to feel good, but they really can't fix themselves that way..but many do seem to spin for a while trying
WE can only work on us and hopefully provide a positive example for our kids and our MLCer but mostly for ourselves..we change for the better for us--
Hang in..Job has some great suggestions and Wishing's thread will also help you
take care and try to enjoy the weekend
Mia, his moving has nothing to do with you. Try and take yourself out of the equation.
What are you doing to help yourself move forward and build a new life? What activities are you planning for yourself? What improvements are you addressing in your life?
Take the focus off your H and put it on you!
There are craft stores in my area that offer free classes, do you have this too?
What classes/groups does your library offer?
Are there any trivia nights at bars in your area?
Ever thought about running a marathon?
Do you go to church? Any groups that do volunteer work?
Ever thought about a second job?
Mia,
Stop focusing on him and what he's doing. His moving around is not a form of emotional or mental abuse...it's just moving. They do this. Why? Because they want change, rent is too high, location is not good or just to be closer to the children or they move further away to be w/the op. Change is what they are seeking and right now, he's not thinking about you.
Mia, you have to understand that is this journey he's on is all about HIM, not YOU. He needs to grow up and in order to do so, he's got to face some issues, resolve them, etc., before that can take place. He's got to do this and you weren't part of his past life, so you can't participate in helping him through that period of his life. You have to be the strong parent right now and be there for your children. I know you are angry w/him, but the anger isn't going to help him. Take the anger and use it to move forward. Take that anger and apply it to some task that you absolutely hate to do and use it.
I don't want to see you get stuck and continue to churn your wheels in the muck. Look around your area and see if there are some free activities that you and your children can do. It's a way of meeting people and who knows, you just might make some new friends that you and the children came spend time with.
Keep the focus on you! Don't allow his move to ruin your weekend...it's just a move.
It's back to work on Monday so no time for 2nd job. Sorry just having a bad morning. Have a dodgy hip and really clicked it badly this morning so walking is agony at mo so feeling sorry for myself
I'm sorry about your hip. Maybe the man upstairs is trying to turn your focus from your h on to you and your hip. I do hope you are feeling better this evening.
Lol, it was agony, it's happened b4, I had an accident when I was 18 and the operation resulted in a weak hip. Sometimes it just gives way and it's like a nerve is trapped. It is a lot better today although I can still feel a twinge.
Wanted to speak to someone today so rang the Samaritans . Interestingly I spoke to a man who's wife had done the same thing. Left, told him she didn't love him, moved in with om, then 2 years later she wanted to come back. He didn't take her back. But he said its common that they want to come back....more so than you think....but that I needed to have a life and be prepared for my response if/when that day happened. I said that I didn't think he'd ever want to come back now he has ow. He said she's nothing......I am everything , his history, the mother of his children, his wife.....and there may be a point he twigs this as many do.
It was reassuring...not that I'm thinking it will definitely happen but it was interesting to hear from someone who it had happened to
Mia,
I'm glad you spoke to someone. What he told you is the same advice, comments/suggestions we give here. The ow is nothing but a crutch, a distraction to keep him from focusing on his issues and healing. Trust me, she's nothing but a band aid.
At some point, they do think about wanting to return. Some do and some don't. Those that don't may have: 1) thought about coming back but their pride and the necessary hard work has kept them from reaching out and wanting to reconcile; 2) some will suggest reconciling and the spouse has opted not to do so and has moved on; and 3) some think about it, but are still stuck and don't know how to exit the crisis and remain there for the rest of their lives.
For those who do wish to reconcile w/the spouse, they will need to work hard to earn your trust and be transparent in what they are doing, this may include email, cell phone and text messages, FB pages, etc. If you allow them to just waltz right back in w/o doing the hard, necessary work, the reconciliation will not work. If your h does decide to reconcile, I would suggest that you start out dating for a while and then finally moving back in together. The first thing to remember is you have to learn to be friends again. Both of you will have changed and your lives have been changed forever, so it's a new friendship, new relationship and you can't go back to your old ways because it's a brand new relationship.
I do hope that if you are given the opportunity to reconcile that you will take it slowly and not rush the process. For now, keep the focus on you and your children. Anything is possible if you have faith in yourself and the man upstairs.
Thanks job, I don't think he wants to return now but I suspect strongly that he is missing the kids like mad. The reality of his situation I can't imagine is not living up to what he imagined.
Even the move this weekend , suggests to me someone who is not settled. He's says he has moved nearer the kids but tbh he is still miles away. I imagine there was a massive compromise between him and ow there.
Anyway first day back at work after the hols and first day I'm allowing my youngest to walk to school with his friends eek
Mia it sounds like he is turning into a nut job, but you should not let that change your perception either way. Don't feel sorry for him, as job said you cannot get through to him now. Maybe remind him of the ways that he is able to contact you if needed, just a gentle reminder? Not sure why you would need to actually tell a grown up man about the difference between leaving random messages and emergencies but hey ho, that's what we need to put up with.
I know Esame . His responses are bizarre. Saying he didn't remember paying off credit card. Completely ignoring my request only a week after I asked. Sounds desperate to me.
There s a bit of me that is a bit worried about him as he seems so off the rails. Denies doing things he has obviously done......his refusal to cough up financially.
I had to buy our oldest a new laptop and I asked him to contribute half , he said he'd wished I'd discussed it with him. What ? Like you discussed walking, like you discuss the fact that you have money for. Me and are spending it on your new life rather than pay off your debts.ridiculous.
And the moving again.....seriously not right in the head....this behaviour is so not a 'normal, affair. I think my solicitor is right is actions and need to control are the signs of a desperate man. I think he is unraveling.
Mia,
There is nothing normal about MLC. They forget things all of the time. Him refusing to cough up financially is all symptoms of MLC. As for discussing the purchase of a new laptop for your oldest...what was he going to say? I'll give you some money when I find some? He's just using lip service to tone things done a bit. I seriously doubt that he would have coughed up some money for the laptop. He now knows about the purchase and he can still give you at least half of the funds for it...but will he? I doubt it.
You will see more and more odd behavior as he walks the MLC path. All of what you posted is very typical behavior.
Wow am beginning to believe he's gone mad
Mia,
He hasn't gone mad...he's depressed and is looking for change. They continue to look for change so that they will feel better. Once they find something different, the euphoria of that particular change will be short lived because they discover it's not working any longer and then they go seeking for change again.
To us, they appear to be mad, but they truly aren't. They aren't thinking rationally because of the emotions that are running wild. They think that they are just fine, while we see the irrational behavior and shake our heads...but this "madness" will settle down in due time...but it has to run its course.
I don't know. The things I say on this forum......does it sound like he is in crisis?
I still find it hard to comprehend that h has done what he has......and not only what he's done but how he did it. It goes against everything he was. His whole nature.
Well got a response back from his solicitor. He wishes that we give full financial disclosure, informally via solicitors and has asked whether my solicitor is acting with regards to the children and divorce proceedings.
Wow ...this is really it...he has really done this ....don't know whether to laugh or cry
Hi Mia,
I'm sorry to hear this is moving forward. now is the time that you must look after yourself and the kids. Remember, it's all a business arrangement. Be good to yourself in the coming days and stay strong.
Am so sad he's done this. Has he even thought the effect this will have on the kids??
How could he have destroyed what was a perfectly decent marriage and good family. For what he was ' unhappy' all of a sudden and wanted to screw the office bike!!!
And what does she think....if he can destroy us like this what will happen when he gets bored with her.
You can't control that. Just control what you can.
I know I can't control it but it's hard dealing with someone who has changed blond recognition and is going against everything he believed in. Did I really make him that unhappy?
Mia
I know how hard it is..It is sad
it gets easier to accept after it is done
Feyth has a good point
The D is just a business agreement.
I had to make sure my kids and I would have enough
A Good L is very important
The D means nothing..The OW means nothing also
It usually does not last
I have a good friend whose XH left many years back,,He went through 2 R
My friend and her x became good friends
and he is currently begging her to come back
she doesn't want to-
we never know what will happen
Mia,
No, you didn't make him that unhappy. Trust me, if he had been so unhappy, he would have left a long, long time ago. Depression makes people think and do things that they normally wouldn't have done. They look at life thru very dark and dingy classes, whereby, we are looking thru clear ones.
Yes, it can be difficult dealing w/the exact opposite image of the man you knew, but you have to stop trying to see him as he once was. You need to find a way to at least accept him for who he is now...a stranger and no expectations. Can you treat him like you would the mailman for now? He's going to be a mixed up mess for quite some time.
I would like for you to take some time and read up on MLC (again). The things you mention are all typical of MLC/depression. It would help you better understand what is going on and hopefully help you to turn the focus back on to you since this is a long process.
I would like to hear more about you, what are your dreams for life about, how are the children, what are their hobbies, etc. It's time to start really living your life for you and your children and leave that man twirling in the wind.
Hi job, well it was my first 'proper' day of teaching today. It felt good. I found my mojo....I'm a good teacher.
Had a lovely chat with my eldest about school.....
Me I love cooking and eating
......kids love Pokemon hunting and you tube
Yes the man is twirling in the wind and I notice the kids are starting to see that too and that is what I find sad. He's living a nothing life. I could not imagine not knowing what was going on in my kids life...and not seeing them.
I'm glad you enjoy teaching and everything went well.
You have so much to be thankful for, i.e., your job and most importantly your children. They are worth every breath you take. Yes, it's very sad that your h is missing out on their lives, but that was his choice and one day, he may regret not being a part of their lives...but for now, it's all about him.
Thanks job,
Had a long chat with a good friend yesterday. She was saying that you get upset over solicitors letters but you have no idea the turmoil he is probably going through. He's clinging onto the kids as that is all he has left. Going on about divorce is another way of of him trying to maintain control. What is going to change with a d.....that's not going to make him happy either.
Tbh even my kids are saying divorce him lol.....that's very telling for me about what they think. They love their dad but all this is just creating distance. They don't even answer the phone to h every night now. Am sure that will be blamed on me.
But they are good kids
Hey Mia!
I believe what your friend said is spot on. All of it. My H has even told me he's "not going to do a happy dance when the D is final". My kids have made it very clear that I should move forward with my life, though they are very upset by this. I had to push my oldest early on to even speak to her father, as she was so upset with him for dropping the bomb right after her wedding (way to mess up a brand new marriage with major stress). They are working through it, though. I know this whole thing s#cks, but I think making sure your kids maintain a relationship with their father is something worth pushing, even if he isn't all that great at connecting. We need to be the teacher, the strong parent. Encourage them to understand and be there for him even as you go dark. You will not regret it. Be the lighthouse.
Hi citizen, I suspect she is right also.
Just everything he is doing seems so knee jerk and suspect sombody else is possibly pushing this!!!
Me I'm trying to get on with work. He wants to behave like a d@ck so be it but he'll have to answer to his kids eventually. He didn't just chose ow over me but he her over his own kids....what a moron
Mia,
I tend to agree w/your friend. Right now, the divorce is like the brass ring that you reach for when on the merrygoround. He thinks a divorce will make him happy...but after about 6 months of euphoria once the ink is dry, he may very well begin to look for something else to make him happy. The divorce decree is nothing more than a piece of paper and nothing is going to change in the real world. La La Land keeps calling him and until he has that divorce decree in hand, he's going to keep talking about it.
The children are like the last thread on a sweater and it continues to unravel as he continues to pull on it. He's using them as a connection to his old life and as a way to keep a finger on the pulse of your life.
He's in for a very rude awakening as time rolls on.
But why on earth would he care about my life he left it
Because deep down, he still has feelings for you. Those warm and fuzzy feelings are stuffed way, way down into his soul right now because his issues have pushed them down there. Eventually, if he faces his issues, those warm and fuzzy feelings may very well rise to the top once again.
Mia my EH has been coming around much more since the divorce. He has been giving me extra money and tries to take us all out to dinner. He had this pressure he had to be divorced...had to ..all of us be damned!! He is very confused still. He thinks it is normal that he doesn't call the boys.. it is all just strange...he calls me but not the boys... i try not to understand it anymore. I just go with it.
Lol job that has made me laugh...if he had still had feelings for me he is definitely doing his best to hide it.......do they not think the effect on the kids.
They don't think, nor do they care what the effect is like on the children at this time. They figure that they are just kids and will bounce back no matter what.
I'm going to suggest that you go back and re-read the home Cadet posted to you a long time ago or check in on some of the newbies' threads and read it. There is a lot of information there that will help you better understand how the MLCer thinks and possibly behaves.
Can't find my original thread.
But you have made me laugh today job. I am knackered first week back at school.
Have to drive kids tomorrow to his new rented house tomorrow....need to do it so I know where they are and know how long it takes...but could do without it. Will probably check in lots at weekend as I'm still not used to being completely alone at weekends but I'm getting there
Your very first thread:
Is there any point really? FYI: There are three ways to locate threads: 1) go to the top of the forum and type in the poster's in the "Search" Box; 2) left click on the poster's name and scroll down to postings; and 3) change the display option in the left hand corner to whatever time frame you need and go from there to do a search of the threads.
Shame it can't help me get him to snap out of it and come home
Well survived my first week back at work but yesterday was difficult.
I mentioned that h has moved again. This weekend he has the kids and I dropped the kids off at his new place so I knew where they were.
Traffic and everything meant he was still about 40 minutes away , not that much nearer. But it upset me so much once I'd dropped them and cried all the way home in the car. I could see through the window into the living room and pics of ow daughter all up on the wall.
When my eldest son hugged me I had to say I was sorry for this.
It's upset me that my kids have to be dragged up and down the motorway every other weekend because h has done this. And again it made me cry because all I could think is ' is this what is making you happy' ...I'm beginning to hate him.
Hi Mia, I'm sorry you had a rough day yesterday. It must have been hard to go to their new place like that. I can understand you feeling upset...hopefully the first time will be the worst and you will feel a little better each time you go.
As for starting to hate your H...the way I think about it is I would truly rather be me than him. I don't think the MLCer has it easy by any means. Firstly (given the place they are in) they don't tend to attract grounded, mature and sensible OPs - people like that would tend to give them a wide berth. So, they end up living in pretty poor R's with partners who struggle to manage their own issues etc. Also, they face censure for being the one to break up their families too - plus they are struggling with their own depression, a feature that runs throughout MLC.
For XH, I try to take a compassionate view. I can see that he must have felt in an unhappy place to drop such a bomb on his life and his M. Yes I was hurt in that process (and that's for me to deal with) but it is also sad that he became so unhappy. I don't think I was the central cause of his unhappiness and I don't think he took constructive steps to deal with his own unhappiness either - but that's all on him. I do try to remember that our feelings for each other were real and that we had some happy times too and I do value those. I try not to think of our M as a mistake - just that it was part of my journey..
I guess in time the emotions settle and we can get to a more balanced view of our situation. In that, we hopefully learn a lot about ourselves and what we want too. For me, it has really helped to understand what happens for people during MLC and see that our story is pretty similar to that of others.
The main thing is to work towards peace and happiness in our own lives - whatever choice the MLCer may make - but it does take time to reach that point.
Hope you have a better weekend Mia xx
Hi Sotto, I only dropped the kids off as it was their first time. I won't be doing it again. H does the pickups and drop offs.
It hurt because the kids are hurt. I accept that he was depressed ( although he denies it) but to do what he's done is inexplicable. The way he has moved on from me and the kids so quickly with this ow and child is hard to take.
The kids say he is not happy. I don't know whether it is wishful thinking on their part.
"to do what he's done is inexplicable. The way he has moved on from me and the kids so quickly with this ow and child is hard to take."
Yes I know, it's pretty tough for sure....but not inexplicable...in terms of MLC his actions are pretty typical. He will give every impression of having moved on and at the moment, any fond thoughts of you and of 'old' family life are firmly stuffed away in a box. However, there can often be some regret (and possible desire to return) in time - and plenty of it.
Ultimately, it's up to you as to whether you would want to consider a possible R - but for now, try and focus on getting yourself to the best place possible.
Xx
Hi Sotto, I am trying and tbh I am doing ok mostly...just yesterday got to me. Any impact his behaviour has on the kids gets to me.
Just the traffic and time to get there upset me that he puts the kids through this,once a fortnight just so he can be 'happy' ....please
Well I know you say don't focus on ow but just a snippet of info I found from youngest son. Ow birthday this weekend gone and she turned 38 ....7 years younger than my h...may not be 20 years younger but enough to indicate him being a midlife prat.......younger woman etc.
Something made me smile what the kids said. Their dad cooked them a roast chicken dinner this weekend and they said it was bland and he over cooked the carrots...I know petty but it made me smile
Mia, you need to really try hard to find positives in your life. Being angry is understandable but not useful, and it's really not a competition.
Have you thought about any activities for you to meet new friends? (Male & female, not dating just friends)
You don't seem to like my advice and that's okay but please understand I totally get your anger. I have been there! I have gone through labor with my H next to me KNOWING he is just there for the baby. KNOWING he is living and in LOVE with another woman. Now that's some anger to deal with.
I was stubborn and didn't want to take some advice from vets but they were right, I eventually saw how right they were. I needed to get my mind off of him and OW. I needed to take pleasure in my own accomplishments not his shortcomings.
I needed to stop keeping score. Because right now is when all those nasty thoughts are coming back to haunt me. I'm still learning to let them go, and my H is struggling to learn how to deal with me as I try and let go of the hurt.
Use this time wisely to heal and make yourself a better person. We all have room for improvement.
Yes I think we all feel interested in what may be happening with our spouse and their AP, but I make it a point of honour not to ask SS anything now. If I'm playing devils advocate, I would say that it is good he made an effort to cook them a nice meal - even if it did turn out a little bland.
We don't all reach a place of compassion until we've taken a journey to get there. The important thing is to take that journey and not get stuck in 'stinkin thinkin' of - oh he's just a moron and she's a parasite who preys on unavailable men etc. Ultimately, that kind of bitterness isn't what we want in our lives...at the end of the day, we are all responsible for ourselves, whatever anyone else may be doing.
Food for thought hopefully and well intended Mia
I understand what you are saying but I have moments when I get so angry with him and one of them is right now ( when firstly my youngest has left his school shoes there and today is non uniform day and it's going to be really warm and he's left all his shorts there) makes me mad ...I can't say I'm sorry about that. H has created a situation which I never thought I'd be in and it makes me mad.
I'm on my own with kids whilst gets his jollies off with her living the life of Riley...complete d@ckhead....and now I will breath
Hi Mia, I understand the anger, truly I do. However, I would love to see more of a balance in your postings. At the moment, they are 90% venting and very little about you taking responsibility for yourself and moving forwards, seeking happiness, peace and forgiveness.
There is a theme of HE did this and it MAKES me ..... Whether it's shorts, or dinners or whatever. And if we post to gently point that out, you seem to gloss over that with - yes I know I should....BUT he....
So, here's the thing - he doesn't make you do anything. You get to be responsible for you. I could sit here and post back - yeah, he's such a moron, I can't believe he forgot the shorts...and that bland dinner...yikes, what an idiot! What does that do for you if I post back in that vein? Really have a think about that.
You may be interested in the drama triangle - where we choose to sit on that triangle and what it does for us. I found that helped me a great deal.
When you're out having lunch with friends in two, five years time, what kind of convos do you want to be having? The - oh he's such a jerk, listen to what he did now - or - I did X and Y and he and I get along okay etc..
That journey starts with small steps now my friend. I know you might feel challenged and maybe cross by my posting - but if I didn't feel it was important I wouldn't say it.
Hope you have a better day and enjoy the September sunshine xx
Mia,
I am sorry that you are feel so much anger towards your h. There's nothing you can do about him, but you can change the way you react to that situation. Take that anger and put it to good use. How to do that? Start walking/running, if you hate to clean house, then start cleaning it, get a pillow and beat it to death until you release that anger. You are allowing him and what he's doing to control the way you feel. Step away from it a bit. He's certainly not perfect and never was and to beat a dead horse to death every time he does something is not going to help you heal. You have to accept the fact that he's gone for now and he is living his life the way that he wants to. You, on the other hand, are now left w/being the sole adult/parent in your family. Your focus has to be on you and your children. Trust me, when I say this, your children are picking up on your stressful and angry vibes and they do not need to be subjected to this. Breathe!
Mia, please go back and re-read what Sotto has posted to you. She's right, you can only be in control of yourself, you are the only one responsible for you. Yes, you get frustrated w/your h and what he's doing...but guess what...he doesn't care what you think at the moment. Leave him out there and keep your expectations of him at zero.
Mia, turn your focus back on to you and your children. Leave him out there on that island of La La Land for a while. If it will help you, pretend he's off on a long trip around the world and won't be back for a long time. But, you've got to start moving forward and focusing on you and what you can do to make your life a bit happier for you. Let me ask you this, what would your life look like had he died? How would you have handled being a single parent? Well, basically the man you knew has died and been replaced w/a different model, same cover. The man you knew is gone and may or may not return for a long time. The marriage you had is now dead/gone. So, what would you do differently?
Mia, you've got to find a way to channel that anger and resentment. I don't want to see you get stuck and become a bitter person just because he's out there doing his own thing and not being responsible and accountable for his actions.
Breathe!
Sotto
Mia, I'm talking to you like I would to my best friend, Job and Sotto are spot on, listen to them ( by the way it only took me 18 months to listen to them! I guess better later than never).
We cannot change the past and I know it really hurts but I know that at this moment (evening time in UK), my H is with OW and he isn't thinking about me, so why should I think about him! The only person that is hurting is you, not him. What we are dealing with isn't for the faint hearted, but could you anger be just because he is with OW and that you can't have what you want? I was for a long time like you, but losing my beloved pet put everything into perspective.
I have noticed that when I don't see H I'm much happier, and he doesn't deserve me. I have my fault in the breakdown of my marriage, but I was prepared to be unhappy for the rest of my life because I loved/love him. I can held my head high and say that I have values and morals. That is what makes you a kind and loving person.
You can't undo the past but the future is ahead of you and plenty of good things will happen to you if you were to let go of the anger.
I'm thinking of you, and it will honest get better but you need to let go of that anger and shift the focus on you.
Please take care of yourself x
Hi all...I do hear you and am trying to let go the anger honest. I too find it harder if I see him or have to have anything to do with him or if his choices directly affect mine and the kids lives ( I know even something as small as leaving the school shoes behind) .
It's hard as it would have been our 14th wedding anniversary tomorrow....who'd have thought 14 years ago I'd be in this situation.
Mia on the 10th wedding anniversary I was with one of my friends who was at my wedding and it rained on that day (like it did on my wedding day), I was so sad but the further I go on my journey, the more I'm starting to realise that my marriage couldn't have carried on like that. I became a nagging wife whereas he became a selfish man.
Now I'm finding myself again: a compassionate, caring and loving person that I on ew I was, but I was suppressed in a marriage as I was doing everything I could to please him (because I was afraid he would leave me if I didn't do what he wanted)! I grew resentment towards him and pushed him away.
We can't undo the past, I'm learning from it and working hard not to do the same mistakes. We have a great future ahead of us, please believe that this happened for a reason. As I grow stronger every day I believe in it more and more.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you.
Take care xx
Hi, I appreciate all points with regards that I can't do anything about h......I know. I am not angry always....more sad, particularly for the kids....but I am launching myself into work tbh.
The last year or so has been so bizarre......I was watching my wedding video yesterday.....nostalgia.....although late 20s at time we looked so young and so happy.....don't understand what happened....now h looks so old when I see him..even kids commented lol..and apparently I should grow my hair long again according to oldest son.
Mia,
Aging is because of the stress from the depression in MLC. You will see all kinds of changes in him as he progresses through his crisis. What you are seeing is very typical and I certainly wouldn't change my looks unless I wanted to do so for myself.
Keep the focus on you and your children.
Hi all some advise....I knew this was coming.
My h has moved slightly nearer after living over an hour away with ow for the past year. He takes the kids out for McDonald's every Tuesday. Yesterday he said he would like to have them overnight on antuesday and he will drop them at school am.
I have said no to this. I feel it is extremely disruptive during the school week. The chances of him being stuck in traffic and the kids being late for school is extremely high and more imporatantly the kids have a routine during school term that they are used to. Am I being unreasonable.
I feel that h makes decisions about where to live etc and then just expects me to jump to his demands.
Honestly?
I think it would be good to trial that. I know your anger towards him, but a father wanting to be with his kids is a good thing. This will be a change in their routine, but I honestly think the benefits out weigh the risks.
Give him a chance. It's not extremely disruptive as this is the routine of many many many divorced parents. My ex gets one night a week. he lives 25 minutes away from her school. His wife drives her to school. Heck, I tried to get him to take 2 more nights a month, but he finds it's too disruptive to his routine (insert eye roll).
I don't think he expects you to jump to his demands. Seems that way when you are angry with him. He said he would like to spend more time with his kids. And that benefits your kids. Try taking you out of the equation, and think about the benefits of your kids spending more time with their father and them not growing up thining he's the guy who takes them to mc Donald's on Tuesday night. You may think that's what HE deserves, which he very well might. But it's not what your kids deserve.
Try not to make it about YOU the best you can.
I say all of this from experience. I've been in your shoes, I've felt like you have and I realize the only person I was hurting was me and my D.
Mia,
I agree w/Ginger. I would do a trial run w/his request and if you discover that the children aren't getting their homework done or not focusing in school, then suggest an alternative date for them to stay over, i.e., maybe a Friday or Saturday night.
He is their father and I don't see where his request is all that terrible right now. At least he wants to spend more time w/the kids and most of the crisis people don't want to do that.
Separate yourself from the scenario and step back a bit. This could be a good thing...but you need to try it out first and see how it goes. If it works, continue doing it, if it doesn't, well, suggest an alternate date.
Hi Mia2003,
Initially I was in the 'No' camp but Ginger1 makes a good and considered point.
Thinking about it a little more, by saying 'no' you are trying to control your H and his relationship with the kids. If there are no safety concerns why not give it a trial? This might be an opportunity for your H to learn something... e.g. he still lives too far away!
Also if this trial works out, there could be a chance to have some more time for 'you', providing you GAL it wisely.
Mia I say go for it...not only because it is good for the kiddos but because it eases the burden on you. Let go. Go out and paint or take a long bath. Go out for drinks ...pamper yourself..welcome the time off.
Thanks for the advise but my gut still says no. The kids aren't keen and they have a routine going to school with friends etc. I have no problem them staying midweek during holidays but school days not so. I. A teacher and I see the affect that to and frying during a school week has......tiredness, missing equipment, lack of focus...maybe that is why I'm against it. I assure you I am thinking of the kids here...would it be easier for me to have one day a week when all I had to do was get myself sorted for work.....one evening a week when I didn't need to worry about childcare...of course but I really believe that it is not best for the kids.
Mia, my first husband and I have EXACTLY 50/50 custody. The kids spend 1/2 the week with me and the other half with him. He moved 30minutes away from my town when we divorced. For the first year he drove the kids to my town for school, then sadly their school closed (Catholic schools are closing like crazy these days. So sad) We then placed them in a school 1/2 between us so we each had about a 20min drive to their school. Well my oldest is now in high school and decided to go to a school in the same town as his dad lives but my 10yr old is still at the school that's 1/2 way in between us. So I now have 1hr 15min commute 4 days a week to get both boys to school in the morning and the same picking them up 3 days a week.
Does the commute s@ck? Yes! But the boys DESERVE equal time with their dad. By the way both boys do just fine in school, they have uniforms & shoes at both houses and if they are tired it's because they snuck their Kindle to bed and stayed up late! Lol!
My point is that his request is GOOD for your kids. By the way teaching them flexibility and responsibility for their things is an invaluable skill.
Lol twin mum about sneeking the kindle..... So my eldest...but...my h doesn't pay for stuff so paying for same things each place he wouldn't do unfortunately.
I think a trial sounds like a good plan and wouldn't see why an overnight stay is a poor idea. If it doesn't work in practice, you can always pick that up with him. But I think it's good if the kids can stay overnight with dad after you guys have S.
Lol twin mum about sneeking the kindle..... So my eldest...but...my h doesn't pay for stuff so paying for same things each place he wouldn't do unfortunately.
If it's only one night no need for duplicates BUT $20 at Goodwill (or whatever second hand clothing store is in your area) will most likely get you a back up pair of shoes & pants/shirt.
Your responsibility? Not really
The benefits for the kids of you being the "bigger person" = PRICELESS
Mia, I'd take him on his offer. At the beginning I was a bit reluctant for H to have kids staying overnight one day a week as he lives 20 minutes drive. My kids are fine at school, and not having them a night gives me a chance to either catch up with work, go out to the cinema or read a book. I love my kids but I appreciate this me time.
As said I have said no.....and for this I am thinking of our children as always. They have gotten used to this routine and there is no benefit to them to spend the night during a school week at his house.....
Interestingly , some thoughts ......h was taking the kids out for his usual evening Tuesday meal. I wasn't sure what time he was coming so I went to pick up our youngest from kids club. I beeped when I got there as h was there , but I beeped my son. Son came over but so did h all smiles etc talking to me like we were friends. I was neutral. Is this a positive step...or am I reading too much?
A positive step towards what? Effective coparenting? Reconcilliation?
I find when there is comfortable communication without tension it is positive for many reasons. It's good for your kids to see you guys communicate without discomfort or hostility. It's great he is wanting to spend more time with them. All this stuff is definitely a positive step towards the kids, no doubt.
As far as a positive step to wanting to work on the M again? I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket. He was kind, take his kindness for face value. I say this not to dash hopes, there is no saying what the future holds......
But sometimes when we get out expectations up of a particular action, the fall from it is kind of hard and "undoes" some positive forward steps.
Maybe take this as an opportunity to contact him the next time if you aren't sure what time he is coming so you both don't go to pick up the kids when you don't have to.
Hi Mia, I think my SS being able to stay over with us made a big difference to his R with his dad. The R has worsened a lot now, which is a shame...
I can understand your concerns about school nights, but perhaps weekend or holiday might be an option? From what you post - though I appreciate the circumstances - it does sound as though your H is keen to be involved with them and that's a positive.
Glad to read that things have been more pleasant and I agree with Ginger's post. Best to note and not give it much headspace, but keep moving forward.
Xx
Please start a new thread.
Mia, it really comes across to me as you wanting to punish/withhold the kids from your H for what he has done to you.
Maybe someone else has a little more tact & grace but I'm just going to be blunt.
There doesn't appear to be any good reason to deny your H more time with the kids.
Don't use the kids like this. It isn't going to hurt them to spend an extra night with their Dad, actually it would be GOOD for them.
Solid advice from above .... And it will be new thread time for you aswell but I have been wanting to chime in a bit here as your latest "Kids spending the night with H" does hit a nerve/home with me.
I am a father, did not ask for this but I know for a fact that if my W tried to stop the kid(s) from spending time this would be a conflict waiting to happen ..... and with MLC if you read up the reconnecting phases work backwards. He will want to connect with the kids and you should not be the gate keeper in this.
A very wise woman on this board said "you can be right or you can be happy". Think about where this fear of allowing the kids to see their father is coming from and really ask yourself if this is good for the kids, you, and your H.
Hi Mia, I am just looking at this from other angles. Their father is asking for more time with his children. Someday, your children will most likely learn that their father was actively interested in spending more time with them but was not granted permission. There is a much bigger picture here. It's their time/their relationship with their father.
And although you may not agree with his choices, legally, isn't he entitled to even more time than what he is seeking?
Mia, I want you to know I was right where you stood. I could feel your emotions and they greatly echoed mine. You are angry, but want him to come back. You feel as if he doesn't deserve the time he wants with the kids. he chose to walk out, right? He shouldn't have much say at all, as it was his choice to leave his kids.
I had that mindset. My ex felt OW was more important and he left so he has say in nothing now. he doesn't deserve what he wants with his daughter. And if he had the kid's best interest in mind like you do, he wouldn't have left at all.But if he came back, he could have his family back.
It's just not a healthy or realistic way of thinking for the long run for our children.
To add to what hawho said. You don't want them finding out their dad wanted more time with them, but you wouldn't let him. That's bad for a few reasons. One, they might resent it. Two, you can retort well, "he left, it was his decision" but what they would take that personally like he left THEM. Of course you could always say you felt it was in their best interest, but was it really? I am not undermining your parenting. Maybe a two hour drive back and forth is not in their best interest. But he moved closer and while their routine will change with that one night a week, the pro definitely outweighs the con. A dad who wants to spend more time with his children.
You can stand by the argument of "well, if he really wanted to spend time with his children, he wouldn't have left" But the truth is you have to separate him leaving you from leaving his children. You don't want to have the children felt like they were the ones who were left.
I feel for you. I really really do. Separating the heartache of what they put us through, and the family through from the father-children relationship is so very difficult. Took me a while to figure it out how to put my anger aside and separate our relationships. But in the end, I asked "what is REALLY best for our daughter within what our situation is" not what I believe our situation should have been or who chose to make it what it was or who was wrong or who was right, but what the situation actually IS.
Right, thank you for your advise and comments to all but I do think that I need to put my point forward, particularly to twin mom.
I have never denied my h seeing the kids. He has them during the week during holidays, pretty much whenever he has asked. He is even having them to take them to his mothers 70th when it is my scheduled weekend.
I do not use the kids to punish him...I have to say I find that insulting.
However, where he is living, to get there is a notoriously bad road for traffic. H used to moan constantly about it so he is well aware it is completely unreliable and the chances of him being able to get the kids to school on time is unlikely most of the time unless he gets them up that crack of dawn.
Apart from anything else h has asked the kids about this and they have told him they don't want to stay over during the school week. This doesn't stop him seeing them on that evening....he does. There is just no benefit to the kids physically staying over during a week night.
I'll reiterate again I am not using my children....but am also not some pushover who is going to sacrifice the kids just so h might come back or to make him happy.
And also, legally he actually has more time than he is seeking. If he asked to see them more during the week even that I wouldn't refuse but he hasn't. I have bent over backwards to ensure the kids continue a relationship with his children...even agreeing to things that a solicitor has advised is quite intrusive.
So basically you're saying he must spend his parenting time in a public place (restaurant) or your home?
I'm sorry Mia, but that's not fair to the kids. There is much to be gained for them to have a relaxing evening & bed time routine at their fathers.
And if I remember correctly he has them every other weekend & one evening during the week? How in the world is that MORE time than the law allows? As long as either parent isn't damaging to the child EACH parent should be given equal time!
Mia, I get it. You're defensive, I'm blunt and it might not be the best combo. But I can assure you I have been there emotionally, I do understand your anger but I FINALLY learned it wasn't productive. It took me a while though.
Someone else repeated a quote from a VERY wise person (I wish I could remember who said it)
"You can either be happy or you can be right"
Oh how this was hard but it's so true.
Back to you, what 180's are you working on? What GAL activities are you doing? What goals do you have for yourself?
Twinmom he hasn't asked for equal time.....ever. And no he sees them of a weekend in the evening where he takes them to his now for tea then. Drops them back. it was his choice to take them to McDonald's not mine. I don't comment what he does when he has them.
I am fine. Back at work and going with that.
Someone else repeated a quote from a VERY wise person (I wish I could remember who said it)
"You can either be happy or you can be right"
Oh how this was hard but it's so true.
25yearsmlc
She dropped that very line on me (as well as others) over 2 years ago and it has stuck in my brain ever since.
Mia,
Please start a new thread. You are 10 over the posting limit. I will be happy to post your link to your new thread once you've created it.
New Thread:
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