MLCW, Divorce is Started - DivorceBusting.com

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I will deal with the issues raised at the end of my last thread soon. But first, I wanted to give a quick update.

I did not have s14 over the weekend. I also asked d18 if she wanted to come over during last week. But they did not respond to my texts.

Yes, I suspected W was the reason for the kid's failure to respond. But W started texting me today, and was a bit chatty. I learned s14 broke his phone, which explains his not responding. S14 stole d18's phone cord (to turn in to school), which explained d18's not responding to me. So my suspicions against W were unwarranted.

Today was d18's 1st day of work at a nearby mall for a large retailer. W invited me to pick her up (she does not drive) and we had a bite to eat together to catch up. It was really nice. My voice is coming back (low scratchy voice), and we were able to have a comfortable convo.

I went in making sure I was not going to ask about d18 living with W and om. But d18 freely shared:

- s14 and d18 have found a nice relationship together - d19 said they are ganging up together against om. I foolishly said, "oh a common enemy", which did not get a good response from d18;

- d21's pregnancy due in August is resulting in a number of baby showers. D18 said that W is not going to my family's shower or her own family's shower. W is back to fighting with her sisters, involving unsubstantiated accusations of W's theft from an elderly family member. This is so sad;

- we had a nice long talk about the "Bachelorette" I explained that I hated Jordan who is a former football player. D18 did not understand. I explained that Jordan's being Aaron Rodgers' brother (a Green Bay Packer) makes him more of a villain to me even than Chad.

My recovery from last month's hospital stay is going slow but sure. I'm feeling good.

You have a lot going on! Here's to keeping calm during the storm and being still during the chaos.

A wonderful Friday here. Let's start it with a Lawyer's joke:

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, �We have three possible donors. The first is a young, health athlete who died in an automobile accident.

The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.

The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for thirty years. Which one do you want?�

�I�ll take the lawyer�s heart,� said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. �It was easy,� said the patient.

�I wanted a heart that hadn�t been used.�

Let me start with AJ's insightful comments from my previous thread. He said:

"...I'm wondering if in Wet's (opinion), it wasn't temporary. If, looking back it turns out that things weren't as good in the relationship for longer than previously expressed and thought.

Maybe. Maybe not. But I do feel it is worth exploring for the sake of perspective.

At no time do I believe that any of us are victims though. We always have choices. We often choose based on reference (what we view as "normal" whether FOO or societal norms) from what I've seen and experienced.

Come to think of it, what do I know anyway? smile

What do you think, Wet? AJ"

AJ, you've given me something to think about. I have always considered the first 15 years of our marriage as really good. We had our children, home, I discovered and then was growing in my Christian faith, W and I did church ministry together.

But underlying this was my choice not to focus on growing my business and to focus on my Christian faith and service. W loved helping out at out kids' schools, and kept herself busy with finding friends and family to help out with.

Now d21 told me early on that I, and not W, who was the one who took the kids to their sports games and practices, attended school events, and worked with the kids to make sure homework was done. W was more interested in socializing with other adults.

And again, I was the sole breadwinner and W cost us more than she brought in with her projects of photography and scrapbooking/making low-cost jewelry.

W would get stressed out when finances were tight, and made sure I knew it. But we fought rarely. She would just become stressed.

So AJ, I guess you are right. I masked the problems in our early marriage with the excitement of having kids, my new-found faith, and by serving at church. I wasn't paying attention to the problems I / we were facing.

One last interesting recent comment from my Mom. She said W and I did not bring out the best from each other. I see what my Mom is saying, as we had more 'playing' in our lives rather than making our lives work. Thanks for your stopping by again AJ.

Hey Wet, couple of things.

First - Riddle: What do you find in the middle of nowhere?
Answer - the letter 'h'

An observation: you've had quite the remarkable life and one that seems quite blessed.

I can relate but I would caution you to be careful of well-meaning friends and family that re-remember your past for you. While it may be true that you two didn't bring out the best in each other, I think it's a bit more important to understand if that's true or not from your perspective. I'd say you had all kinds of great things come out. Things that were important to you such as your kids and your faith. I do of course, wonder if you may have had an imbalanced relationship. I'm pretty sure I did, but then again that's looking back and I don't know that I can trust the lens.

As the old saying goes, you need to forgive yourself first. Do you see why I would say that, Wet? I'm quite sure you will if not already.

The other thing to remember - when you know better, do better. After listening after all these years, I don't ever recall thinking that you did less than your best in any aspect of your life, Wet. Based on your goals and beliefs, you're one of those people that walks the walk and talks the talk. Genuine.

If I may suggest, I think this is an area you may want to explore a bit more. I'll say that your W is far more friendly than mine and her H but that there are many other similarities in our stories. I suspect that in that difference (between the stories of our lives), you may find some of the areas that need additional thought and reflection. You may find some nuggets worth harvesting there

-AJM

Thanks AJ. I find helpful your suggestion that I not allow friends/family members to re-remember the past for me.

Monday was d19's b-day. Yesterday was mine. I took the youngest 2 kids to a movie. We finally saw 'Cpt. America, Civil War'. I brought the kids back to W's after the movie, but W did give me some left-over cheesecake from d19's b-day. It was delicious.

I then had a visit from d21. She is due in August and looking big. She brought me a grandpa shirt and hat. I'm just not ready yet to be called 'grandpa', so my response to her gifts was lukewarm at best.

It was a nice day.

Yuck! the divorce just got real. I just got off the phone with an intake coordinator for the mediators who will be deciding the custody issue for s14 in July.

He was asking questions that I wasn't really ready to answer: are there violence issues, drinking issues, my social security number (ha, I never give my social security number to someone on the phone!)

S14 and om have had run-ins, but things seem to be settled down now b/c s14 is hanging out with his friends. This may be a bad sitch for s14, but when I saw him yesterday he was opening up 10 Pokeman packs, so he still seems like the innocent geeky teenager to me.

I am ready to air all of om's dirty laundry, if W won't agree to joint physical custody like last August om broke in to W's place, hit/shoved W, and police were called). But it seems like a longshot right now for me being the primary home for s14. I am torn on how nasty to get.

Wet,

If they ask you questions, be honest w/your answers...but you don't have to go over board in responding. You can also advise them that what you are telling them may have come from your son, etc., i.e., that you didn't witness the behavior of the om.

As for your social security number...you were smart in not giving that out. If they need it later, they can ask for it in person and explain why they require it.

Thank you Job. For me it's a fine line between answering a question, and not going over board in my response.

Here is a Friday Lawyer Joke to make you smile (or groan!):

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

�All right,� the lawyer says, looking through his papers. �You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 each month for the next thirty-six months.

�What? That sounds like a car payment schedule,� retorts the client.

�You�re right,� says the lawyer. �It�s mine.�

It does kinda sound like a cheap car though...

Vapo thanks for the smile.

How can things keep getting worse? So last night d21 tells me her pregnancy is giving her problems with her liver. The doctor wants to induce her early, perhaps going as early as the end of July.

I felt like she wasn't giving me the full story, so I texted W last night to ask her what was going on. D21 has 'cholestasis' which requires weekly treatments. The baby is especially in danger.

I texted W saying this was scary. W texted that she was "terrified". I told her I got it, given our history of having 7 miscarriages.

OK, then today s14 got arrested! Last week he used W and om's credit cards to buy some PS games. W read him the riot act. So s14 went to a store with his friends and stole a knife. His friend gave him enough to cover W's credit card charge.

The store is pressing charges, with a court hearing coming up. W believes s14 is on drugs. The police officer said s14 looked like he was "stoned". W was fed up, and told me to have him for the week. The friends are a big problem here, and today W says she wants him out of her school district. My place is in a different city.

So I bought a drug test for s14. I watched him pee, and the test came back all negative. S14 said he did better than om who failed a work drug test a month ago! Noooo!

W then said s14 would stay at my place for the week. We took away his phone which is a big punishment as he is on it all day. He said "he was sorry", and I added "for getting caught?" And he said yes. Arggghhh!

W then said we should have lunch next week. I have my suspicions about what we will discuss. But NO mindreading here.

I am sorry buddy, that the whole world seems to be caving in on you...

I have no real advice for you and I do not want to come off a wiseass.

Stay strong and keep the faith...

Thank you Vapo.

I have s14 and we had a calm Father's Day. I decided I wasn't going to discuss his recent arrest for the day, and just enjoy the sports that were on.

I did pick up d19 from work. I mentioned that I wish W would ride off into the sunset with om, and let me have s14. D19 responded that now that it is decided s14 will be in a different school district, that W will try and find a new, cheaper place where she does not need the $$$ for rent from om.

I pressed her, saying that the om's failed drug test at work looks pretty bad. D19 defended him saying it was probably just from his prescription drugs (she is nice and na�ve - the only people who seem to blame their prescription drugs for a 'positive' drug test, are people on drugs!)

Then d19 told me that om is now drinking again (after his recent dui, he went on a drug to stop him from drinking). He was falling down drunk.

I feel horrible, in that W would rather live with this loser with what must be some serious emotional issues, than with me. I know, I know, keep my focus on s14 and don't let om anywhere near our son.

It's not about you, it's about her...

Joke for today: I put my rootbeer in a square cup. Now I have a cup of beer.

Wet, it's funny but I was talking about something similar the other day. I don't know exactly when it actually sank in, but I do recall it really meaning something to me. What I am talking about is the realization that it really wasn't about me at all. I saw your post where it made you feel bad that your W would "rather be with a fall down drunk/drug-abusing abusive man" than with you.

As V said, it's not about you. While that's rationally obvious, it occurs to me that it may not have really fully sunk in.

It's really about her, Wet. Her choices. You could have been a super-rich, superstar of stage and movie screen, who works to save starving people around the world in his spare time when not mentoring orphaned children. And she still would have done these things.

It's just not about you, my friend.

I hope things are well with your daughter and son, Wet.

Peace,

AJ

Thanks again AJ and Vapo.

Here is my Friday Lawyer Joke:

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, �We�ve been waiting a long time for you.�

What do you mean he replied, �I�m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?�

�45? You�re not 45, you�re 82� replied the angel.

�Wait a minute. If you think I�m 82 then you have the wrong guy. I�m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.�

�Hold on. Let me go check� said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

�Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82��

How quickly things can turn, in our case on the children issue. D21 (who lived with me for a couple of years) had a disagreement with bf's parents over rent. D21 and bf will now move in with W and om - today?! She is due in August, and will have W there to take care of baby while she finishes school and works.

D19 and s14 were living with W. D19 was the one thrown under the bus. She is working at a mall 10-15 miles away for the past several weeks. W has mostly driven d19 to and from work (d19 has no license). And W called me last night and said this is costing her $125 per week (?!) So W is kicking d19 out of her place, and d19 will move in with my sister and BiL who live walking distance to d19's work.

And now the great news. W agreed (at least as of last night) that s14 can stay with me at least thru the summer.

We then discussed where s14 would go to school in the fall - since W is not moving, if s14 lived with her he would go back to his old school and bad group of friends (witness his recent arrest for shoplifting with his "crew").

But she mentioned that where I live there is a really good high school. Maybe s14 should live with me in the fall and start over with a new group of friends?

We will see. Our custody hearing is in a week and a half.

Ahh, W has already changed her mind. As next week's child custody hearing approaches, W texted me yesterday that I will not have s14 for even 50% of the time, and instead I will get him "a few days each month" (Friday night she told me I could have s14 for the summer). Yes, this is a battle worth fighting for.

I saw d21 Wednesday night, as her move-in with W approaches. We spoke about her pregnancy, school and her job. I did give her a gentle warning about om, given that he is drinking again, that she should be careful as he has in the past had angry outbursts when he drinks.

D21 was not concerned - she told me that last August when om was arrested for breaking into W's place and domestic assault upon W (charges later dropped), that he was so depressed that he attempted suicide by talking a handful of W's pills. I did not know of om's suicide attempt. D21 brushed it off as om gets depressed when he gets drunk. She believes om has PTSD from when he was child and he was beaten.

Ok, ok, I realize I am making too many reports of bad things about om. Yes, I know it is not healthy to tell others om's problems, and thereby try and build myself. My only defense is that I want to make sure I have a place to write these stories down, as the court battle over custody of s14 is approaching.

Originally Posted By: Wet

, W texted me yesterday that I will not have s14 for even 50% of the time, and instead I will get him "a few days each month" (Friday night she told me I could have s14 for the summer). Yes, this is a battle worth fighting for.

I am glad u think it is worth the fight, wet.

we are rooting for you!

It kind of concerns me that D21 is already making excuses for OMs behavior. Not saying that we shouldn't have compassion for the mental health and addiction issues of others, but seriously.... Your kids should not have to be exposed to this chaos.

D19 may be much happier living with your sister, out of the chaos and able to get to work by herself. Does she have a bike? If not, can you get her one?

As for S14...... What does he want? He's old enough that the courts will take his wishes into consideration.

Also, as I recall, you moving closer was not an option because of your work commute, correct?

not much to add Wet, just checking in and wishing you well in this sitch as it continues to unfold. xoxoxo

Thank you Zephyr, kml and bttrfly.

Kml, d21 is an interesting one. A couple of years ago she was living with me and wouldn't even acknowledge her Mom/W on Mother's Day. But with her pregnancy and the complications she has had, they have drawn closer.

S14's wishes? He wants to go back to his old school, his old friends, and live with W. But his recent arrest for shoplifting and unauthorized use of W's and om's credit card, show me he needs a new start. But he likes staying here with me, I just need to show living with me is for s14's "best interests".

I was wrong - Next week's hearing is not for custody but for the property division/financial issues. The custody hearing is in 2 weeks.

A few short Friday Lawyer jokes:

Interviewing the partner at a large law firm, a reporter from the Legal Times-Gazette asked, �How many lawyers work in your office?�

�Oh,� the partner replied, �about one in four.�
***************************************************

Lawyer: Judge, I wish to appeal my client�s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.

Judge: And what is the nature of the new evidence?

Lawyer: Judge, I just discovered that my client still has $1,000 left.

***************************************************

The minute you read something you don�t understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.

-Will Rogers

I wish everyone here a Happy 4th of July of weekend.

Journaling/Venting: Friday was difficult. We had our first divorce mediation to deal with the financial issues. The mediator saw that we do not have much to fight over. He told us to just keep what we have and don't go to court b/c it's not worth fighting over.

W had claims for a tax refund, she wanted half the value of my self-employed law business, she wanted me to deal with the van titled in her name which is dangerous and sitting in her condo parking lot.

I had a claim for $4,900+ which she "misappropriated" from d20's education UTMA account. None of it went to the school and she spent it all.

The mediation got heated when the mediator wanted us to sign an agreement, and I told W's lawyer "I'm not signing anything today." and when she persisted I said "am I being unclear? I'm not signing anything today." The mediator pushed in and told me there is no reason not to sign an agreement today, and I said I wanted to wait until we dealt with the child custody issue which is coming up Tuesday.

W blurted out "do you see what I have to deal with? This is why it's taken so long for us to get a divorce. (referring to our 3+ years of separation.)

I lost it. I wanted to start screaming at her. Telling her I gave her the exact same divorce papers in March of 2014 (pre-DB) when she told me she was dating other men. She just started the divorce this past March, so we are still early on in the divorce. But I didn't say a word and just left the mediation. The negotiating was over.
---------
OK, which leads us to the custody issue for s14. He had dinner with W last night and when he came back the first words out of his mouth are "I don't want to live with you for the school year." This is heartbreaking, but it does not break my resolve.

This is why I want s14 to live with me: S14 was recently arrested for shoplifting a knife. Last January he pulled a knife and threatened om who is living with W. And last August, om broke into W's place in front of s14 and d19, assaulted W, and took a handful of opiates with om attempting suicide. The word I am going to use at Tuesday's custody mediation is that om is "unstable".

S14 wants to be back with his old friends and not have a change in his life. I get it. But going into high school is a good time to do this sort of transition.

Wish me well for Tuesday's Custody Mediation.

Hey, I wanted to come by and let you know that I am keeping up with you. I know that all of this really happening bites, but you will get through it.

I felt as if I did everything I could when I was going through this myself. I wanted my kids to know that I fought for us to stay together.

My S20 acted up in high school. He used to sneak out in the middle of the night and just walk. It took me a while to figure out how we was getting out with the door still chained. Then he would cut classes. I was on him all the time and then finally hit the wall. Time for him to clean up his own messes because he wasn't going to learn anything by my doing it for him. This is my son that has the baby and is now married. He really is the best Dad I have ever seen.

Is there anyway that you an take him by juvenile hall so he can see where he could end up if he doesn't straighten himself out?

Hang in there.

kat

Imagine you told a horrible secret to your spouse. And the night before you fight over custody of your 14 year old son, your spouse threatens to reveal your dark secret if you don't drop your claim for custody.

Yes, W texted me at 1 am last night with that threat.

I did not back down, and did not respond to W, and went full speed forward trying to get custody of s14.

I tore om to shreds "he's unstable", he attempted suicide last August, and s14 and om hate each other to the point where s14 pulled a knife on him. Also bad grades. With s14's recent arrest for shoplifting a few weeks ago, this was pretty strong evidence to take a teenager away from his mom, though she's been the primary caretaker for him all of his life.

W did not reveal the dark secret. We were both pretty nice to each other (I called her a good mother, she said I would help s14 get his homework done.)

The mediators said it would be a "coin flip" if the custody issue went to court.

So guess what?! I am divorced now! (sort of). We agreed that s14 would go to the high school by my apartment. We will do alternate weeks with s14. We ironed out all of the other issues. And read our agreement in front of a judge.

Ok its not really final until the court order is entered. This may take 3 weeks, but everything now is agreed to.

W was bawling at then end b/c she will have less time with s14. I was beaming with a smile that was ear to ear. I have stood as long as I could. Tomorrow looks like a brighter day.

Good for you not being blackmailed, though she tried. So will she get less money now? Also glad that you let all those issues with om out in the open. Maybe don't tell your w secrets in the future.

kat

Thanks Kat. Yes, she gets a little less child support. She gave up her rights to seek alimony/maintenance, so we will not litigate this down the road. She has no claim to the value of my law firm. It worked out pretty well.

Now this is really scary and weird. S14 is staying at W's place, and he went for a walk last night. Right in front of him, on fairly busy street, but still in suburbia, an older woman was walking in front of him in a crosswalk. A car stopped at the stop sign, but then lurched forward running over the older woman!

The car raced off, being a classic hit and run.

I don't know if s14 called an ambulance or the police. But s14 was traumatized. He told W the first thing he did was pray for her. Which is great, but perhaps he needs to also learn about seeing if there anything he can do to help the victim.

Wow!

I've had s14 this weekend. He is doing well and occupying himself by playing Pok�mon Go.

I am being annoyed by W. First, she tells me that I have to tell s14 that he is going to the high school by my place (which is a switch) RIGHT NOW. I told W that I would tell s14 once we have a final divorce order filed.

And of course, W's response "it's already finished". As W has said for the past 3 years, we are already divorced.

Then less than a week after we mediated the big issues like where s14 would attend school in the fall, W asked me whether I would agree to letting s14 go to high school kinda near her. She thinks she can get a waiver. And om and her are going to buy a house in that school district next year. Sigh. No, I will not agree to it.

That's right. Stick by your guns.

I am at a weird stage in the grieving process of the death of my marriage. I want to hurt W - not physically, but emotionally.

I want to say insults to her, be judgmental and criticize her, and to make sure she understands how much she has hurt me. I want her to understand what a horrible person she is. I don't want to forgive her, I want God to make her life miserable and for God to throw some serious 'Wrath of God' cr@p into W and om's lives.

I know this is not healthy. I have been thru Divorce Care and know that I have to first start by being willing to forgive her. But there was something about W saying before the last mediation that she was going to reveal private things I told her from our marriage that makes me feel even more betrayed by her. And I want to get her back.

The best revenge is living well, truly. What are your plans for your future? Dreams? I know finances have been difficult...... Have you thought of ways to increase your income and financial stability?

How about friends and social life?

It's much easier to deal with BS from an ex when your life is together and happy. And although I know that sounds like a distant dream, there are things you can and should be doing right now to take steps towards your dream future.

wet,

At one point I felt similar to you regarding inflicting some pain. My view is this is normal. It's a shock that the life you were living is no more and the person who chose that was your best friend and partner in this journey. It gives you the fuel to eventually move on.

I'm approx 7 yrs give or take post BD. I'm in that place where the best revenge is a life well lived. It does take some time and internal fortitude to get there. You will get there too. Give yourself a break about how you feel right now. This will pass as I think it's part of the process.

I've followed your story from the beginning. You are doing great. Keep moving forward and getting out and doing your thing.

Mirage

kml and mirage, you both are great. Yes, living a good life is the ultimate revenge.

As I think more about why I am now feeling so much anger towards W, I think it also is b/c everything right now is so much out of my control. I have the divorce papers here, and all they need is my signature.

Also, d21 moved in with W, and d21 is supposed to be in MY corner. 2 years ago when d21 was living with me, she did not even acknowledge W on Mother's Day. Yes, d21 is moving on with her life, and allowing a better relationship with W/her Mom. It seems everyone is doing better, but me.

Oh and sure. My last post I was kinda hoping to see a little "Wrath of God" against W and om. Sure enough, earlier today W was in a car accident.

She is ok, but "her whole body hurts". How did I become so uncaring, as I feel nothing about W being hurt so bad?

I think I will go back to Divorce Care tomorrow night, try to find some healing for myself, and see if there is anyone in the group who needs my help.

Wet,

You speak about control(that you have little).

I think "Control is an illusion". We like to think we have control of our lives. We have control whether we put a smile on that day and choose to have a good attitude but other then that not really.

That was one of the great lessons I learned through all of this. I did not control my exw, I did not control my children, I did not control her family, my family or even the situation. I did have control of determining whether I grew my internal strength sufficient enough to help me through all the things I could not control.

There was a movie with Anthony Hopkins and Cuba Gooding called instinct. If you ever watch it make sure you see the scene in the jail cell where Hopkins Character is choking Goodings in the movie and what Hopkins says to him. It's actually a lesson we all need to learn. "We need to give up the illusion that we have control"

Just some random thoughts from my journey.....and what a wonderful journey it is.

Mirage

WET it is normal to want to hurt the person that has hurt you. I had my fantasies also. But they go away after some time. Than you want the best for them especially if you have children. So don't dwell on those thoughts cause that's all they are,thoughts. It is part of the healing. Look up the grievance process by Kubler Ross. It may help you understand a little better.

You said that everyone seems to be doing better but you. You don't really know that. I thought the same about me at the time. Remember that the WAS build a facade of happiness for the world to see. That is all it is.

Grieve my friend. Feel what you are feeling. Better days are coming....

Thank you Mirage for your thoughts on the illusion of control. And thank you Rick for letting me know its alright to grieve the death of my marriage.

I did it. I signed the Divorce papers today and emailed them to W's divorce attorney. The final Order is now only days away.

Tom, you can't see the future, so you never know what it will bring. Regardless, you couldn't rebuild your marriage on a foundation of rubble. So clear it away. Starting all over can be scary, thrilling and nerve-wracking all at once. I found that I felt I was dropped right back in my 20's before I got married. So much seemed possible then. The difference now is that I still have two kids at home. I just have to figure out a new way to make everything possible again

This can happen with you too. Take it slow and everything will fall into place.
Big hugs. kat

'Fabulous' Kat, I am glad for your words. Yes, I am going back and forth between anger and being depressed this week. And so the idea of being patient and being ready to start over seems like a fantasy right now.

Thank you for stopping by.

Here is the Friday Lawyer Joke: An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. She soon realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifty thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

HI Wet,
Yes, I am right next to you on the see saw of emotions ... I can only speak for myself, but I feel like I have to go through all of this ... feel this rejection, sadness, betrayal, anger, compassion, love, longing, rejection, depression .. in order to someday come out the other side. I think it's the folks who don't allow themselves to go through all of the various feelings that this hateful process brings up who end up stuck. I will not be stuck, so I find myself cycling through, and try to honor each feeling as it presents itself. Also, you're still recovering whether you realize it or not. Physical illness takes its own toll on our emotions.

Sending you hugs and prayers. xoxoxoxo

Bttryfly you are great. Thank you for your words.

Up until today I was wallowing in my depression. The final language of the divorce papers was agreed to, the County attorney has signed off (she is involved b/c W is receiving county assistance). S14 did not come over to my place as he was helping SiL move. So I was alone. And lonely.

But this morning I took a shower. I put on clean clothes. I put on my 'Happy' playlist - it is amazing how strongly music affects my emotions. OK, here are a few songs that have lifted my spirit:

- Love plus 1, Haircut 100;
- Bright Side of the Road, Van Morrison;
- Endicott, Kid Creole and the Coconuts;
- Fight to Win, Goodie Mob with Celo Green ("If I lose, then it was worth fighting for. If I win, I only live to fight again."
- What a Wonderful Life, Louis Armstrong.

D21 stopped by Thursday night and we just sat around and talked for a couple of hours. She is so great. I can't wait to see our grandchild in a couple of weeks.

Today, at least, I am ready to move forward.

Signing the divorce papers was anti-climatic. I signed them in front of a notary, scanned and emailed them. No big deal.

I wanted an adult sit down with my W where we both signed the divorce papers, similar to the scene in 'Her'. We could just talk. We could talk about s14 and what's best for him. I could ask about the role of finances in her decision to leave me. No defensiveness. Just adults talking.

But I think we are both too raw right now. W attacked me in the mediations, and I did say a few things back at her, but nothing with the sting and anger her words had. So I think sitting down with W and having a nice, adult chat is a fantasy.

Got out in the morning and walked. It was nice. Got some vitamin D. Called my general doctor to get a re-fill on some Ambien. Sleep right now is precious. Otherwise waiting for word that the divorce order is signed by the judge.

Friday was scary. Here I picked up s14 on Wednesday and he either slept or was brooding for 2 days. So I gave him a little space.

On Friday, he opened a bit. S14 will be going to a high school near my place in the fall. This was agreed to by W and I, the county attorney, and in a week or so it will be signed off on by the judge.

But W told s14 this was all my doing. And this all can be changed if I just agree to it. And that he could go back to his old jr. high school (with his bad bunch of friends which got him arrested), if I just agreed - which is a lie.

Then she told him in a year everything would be changed and he could go back to the school with his old friends. Again, a lie.

I was frustrated by W's sabotaging the agreement and hurting my relationship with s14.

On Friday, s14 was also upset. He told me he was walking back to W's place - 7 miles away across a busy highway. I told him I would drive him, and we stopped off first at Taco Bell to get some food.

I yelled at the Taco Bell person. S14 told me to "chill". As we pulled out of the drive thru, I raised my voice at how this was crappy that I only was able to see s14 for a few days and he wouldn't even talk to me. S14 yelled back this was all my fault and jumped out of my truck.

I parked in a parking lot close by, and collected myself. Then I looked for s14 and he was gone. I went up and down the street and s14 was no where to be seen.

I called the police to keep an eye out for him. I texted W and the kids to let me know if they hear from him (s14 did not have his phone).

W called me to find out what happened, and I unloaded on her by raising my voice and telling her the only chance s14 has is if we stick together on the agreement and help s14 work thru this. She said she doesn't agree with our mediated settlement anymore and wants s14 back with her and back at his old school. Yeah, I was even more frustrated. This was not my brightest moment.

I am the worst at final words to a conversation. This time I told W "to go attend a parenting class!" and then hung up. This was almost as bad when a year ago I read W's texts about her sleeping with other men, and I told her "I'm no longer your friend!"

8 hours later s14 was able to reach d21 and was brought back to W's place. He was safe and sound. W estimated s14 walked 25 miles, which would be impressive in any sitch.

I haven't heard from s14 since he jumped out of my truck.

I'm sorry that things didn't go well w/your son. It does sound like you and your W need to be on the same page. She's attempting to sabotage your relationship w/your son by telling him that you are the reason that things are being done a certain way. Maybe it's time that you, your wife and son sat down in one room, together, and had a discussion about why things are happening the way that they are. (If that is possible.)

Wet, I know you are very frustrated, but you need to find a way to remain calm in front of your son. Yelling at the Taco Bell person and then raising your voice in frustration over the situation w/your son flipped his switch and he had to get away from you for a while. He may very feel like he's caught in the middle and is at fault for all of the frustration and anger being displayed. Is it possible that he hears a lot of yelling and voice raising over at his mother's?

Wet, maybe you need to contact him and apologize. I know, it's a difficult thing to do, but you've got to be the bigger and better person here and show him just what is to be a man and own up to your frustration and anger over the situation. I would hate to see this situation widen the gap between father and son.

I agree. Your son is being put into a pawn position here on her side, you certainly don't need it happening on your side to. Apologize to him and then let him know that the changes were agreed to by W, you and the court. Your son deserves the best life possible.

I know going from what happened with my own son, that he will be testing boundaries, trying to sort it all out and not always make the best choices. Fortunately my son never got into trouble except with me. No reason to get his dad involved, he lived half an hour away and all he would ever say was listen to your mother.

It is hard to be the parent that sticks by the rules and for principles but I know he will be eternally grateful later. My son even wrote me a happy Father's day card once and said that I was everything he ever needed as a Mom and a Dad, I was just missing an appendage.

you can do this! kat

Yes, Job and Kat, you are right. I messed up in dealing with s14. But I won't have a chance to talk with him for a few days.

D21 is having a baby tonight! She is being induced as I type this. Health issues for both d21 and grand-baby have moved up the birth date. And everyone is soooo excited.

W spent last night and tonight at the hospital with d21, as did bf's mom. I will go over when she is close to giving birth.

W is peeved at me. She texted me today to ask if I had signed up s14 for football yet. I had just talked to the school administrator and she said I need a copy of the divorce order before I can register s14 at the school. So I texted W that I need the divorce order before I can sign him up at the school and for football (likely coming next week.)

W texted back: "you mean you won't".

I didn't go for the bait, I did not respond.

I also tried signing up to be an Uber driver, to earn some extra $$$. But my truck failed the inspection, for some dings on the body !? It's a 2006 Toyota truck, only 31k miles, and it has a couple of dings from when my dad last drove it. Really, the truck looks great. So, I don't know what to do.

I guess I will just look forward to grand-baby being born, and having the joy of the next generation being part of the family.

I hope your D21 and baby are doing well today.

Thanks. No grand-baby yet. Pitocin, breaking d21's water, nothing is moving the child birth along.

I was at the hospital for 6 hours. W mostly staid away from me. But even when we were in the waiting room together, it was civil. We both kept our focus on our precious grandchild and the miracle of child birth.

I'm a grand-father! A beautiful little baby girl, looking just like her mother (d21)

It happened quickly - after being in the hospital Monday night and yesterday, today the epidural stopped working, d21 was in a lot of pain, and the baby was in distress, so they did the fastest C-section I've ever seen. D21 was so grateful.

W was there and was pleasant. S14 was there and never said a word to me, even after I congratulated him on being an uncle. I'm just giving him space right now. He is still hurting.

Ok, is it too early to be annoyed with d21's bf? Several times he spoke about the cost of parking, given that they are parking there for a week. His mom was there, I assumed he was whining to her. I might chip in when I come visit tomorrow or on Friday. But I was already volunteered to take d21 and the family out to 'Red Lobster' when d21 can eat again.

A little anxiety about finances is alright for bf, a new father. I wish I could shake him to let him now the stress is only beginning.

Hi Wet,
Congrats on the grand baby!!!! RE: S ... dang. Your ex ought to be ashamed of herself for creating this $h!t sandwich. sending love and prayers xoxoxo

Congratulations on the birth of your new granddaughter! I'm glad everything finally worked out and both mom and baby are doing fine.

This was unexpected. I received a letter today telling me the final Court order was signed and filed. I am divorced.

I'm feeling a little numb. I have been fighting against this day for so long, over 3 years, so I'm disappointed. But I am physically and emotionally healthy right now that I am kinda excited about the future. Let's see what tomorrow holds.

Friends have invited me up to their cabin in a couple of weeks to blow off some steam. I can't wait.

Wet, I'm sorry it's come to this but I'm eager to see where you go in this next phase of your life. xoxoxo

Wet, congratulations on the grand baby! And I�m sorry that the court order came and you feel disappointed. I hope you have a great time at the cabin with your friends.

Congratulations grandpa! So excited for you. I get the letdown, you have been trying so hard and now what will you be trying for. Take some time to digest, keep taking small steps forward and you will continue to create the life that you are wanting.

Babies come at good times. They bring out the truth in people. I am totally smitten with my granddaughter. Nothing melts my heart more when I ask where Nana is and she giggles and points right at me. it is getting even more fun as her words become clearer. I went to see what she was doing with D15 and she said "I color!!"

Congrats again.! kat

I'm very sorry that the news of your divorce came along when you were enjoying your new grandbaby. Gosh...I hate when these things happen this way.

Do try to take some time for yourself and just relax. You've had a lot going on lately.

Any updates Wet....

Friday Lawyer joke:

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

�All set back here, Captain,� came the reply, �except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.�

I've still not seen or talked to s14 in almost 3 weeks. He still does not have a phone. So I tried to enlist W's help by asking her what she thought I could do to work this out. But still no progress.

Yesterday was a great day - I started in the morning by taking Mom to a county office to transfer the title on a couple of vehicles after my Dad's passing in January. I had all the paperwork filled out so it went pretty smooth. It's always nice seeing Mom.

Then I saw a long time buddy for lunch. He heard I had been going thru some rough waters and invited me out. It was nice to get out and share a bit of what I was going thru, listen to his marital problems, and talk about Fantasy Football! Having friends that get me out and can lift my spirit are very special.

Then the highlight was our 3 daughters and grand-daughter came over in the evening. I have a new rocking comfy chair, and I got to hold and rock that sweet baby.

D20 is in town for a week from Boston. Her girlfriend just left her, and so she was heart-broken. Yeah, the stuff I've learned from DB was valuable in giving her a gentle attitude and a sympathetic ear, which she appreciated.

D21 is having ongoing problems with her stitches from the C-section a few weeks ago. She is very active and not sleeping, which is a problem for her healing. She has been in the hospital for 10 days already.

D19 is looking great, and I let her know I thought so. Working this summer has helped her, and she is enjoying it.

We got to watch Usain Bolt win his 2nd Gold medal. We watched a bit of the Vikings pre-season game. It was a wonderful cap to a great day. Oh yeah, I also was accepted as an Uber driver, so let's see if I can start making some extra $$$ to help when the legal business is slow.

Things are looking better. I spent a long weekend at a friend's cabin. 11 guys hitting the casino, boating, jet-skiing, gaming, and eating and drinking well. It was great to have the long weekend with friends.

I came back to some new work, and Ex texting me that s14 will be at my place for next weekend for my scheduled week with him. And the start of school for him after Labor Day. I am excited to get him back.

D19 is going back to Boston next week, so I will try and schedule some time with her this weekend too. Oh, this is a big relief to get s14 back and be able to try and mend some fences.

I'm glad you got away for a bit and enjoyed yourself w/your friends. Sometimes you have to do this in order to recharge the battery.

I am thrilled that your S14 is going to be coming to stay w/you over the holiday weekend. I just hope and pray that the bridge can be mended and the two of you can enjoy the weekend together.

Just remember, if you get angry, either walk away or count to 10 before you say anything that may come back to haunt you later.

Thanks Job. ExW asked me to take s14 yesterday. I asked if everything is ok, and she texted me telling me she wanted us to bond together. Where was this empathy over the past month?

I saw s14 coming out of ExW's place and I jumped out of my truck and gave him a big hug. He hugged me back! I was so excited to see him I forgot to grab my wallet when I drove off to get him.

We were back to normal. We spoke about the Twins long losing streak. Teddy Football's serious knee injury. I asked how he was doing and he said "ok" without adding anything more.

Then the news about ExW came.

SiL who I have been close to throughout this, instant-messaged me telling me W is already married to om. 2 weeks after the divorce and they are already married. D21 knows, but I don't know about any of the other kids, so I am keeping my mouth shut.

Bc of the help I have received here, I have not given ExW much thought since the divorce. I am detached. But the news of ExW's remarriage was hard to take. Her keeping the news secret from everyone is odd. (SiL made me promise to not reveal who told me.) It felt like the marriage is really over with this news, which duh! it really is.

S14 and I went to his school orientation (this is a new school for s14 close to my place) - they greeted the 9th graders to the high school with the band playing rousing songs, the cheerleaders forming a corridor, and the flag bearers cheering the kids on. It was very impressive. Yeah, s14 liked seeing the cheerleaders.

S14 and I went out for haircuts, getting school supplies and some clothes, and some food he chose (he wanted some healthy choice dinners, to help him with continuing to lose weight). I am impressed. I invited him to go to the exercise room with me at 9 am, but he was too sleepy.

S14 had a couple of flashes of anger, but I was able to quickly change the subject or make him smile with me. So far so good.

On the one hand, I am glad to hear she is remarried. Why? For you Wet. You can get that "closure" you needed for so long. Not the way I had hoped you would get the "closure" but just the same. I know you know what I mean.

Glad your son and you were able to hang out. I hope this is the start of some great news for you both!

Still around for you, Wet.

AJ

Wow, that was a little quick Wet! Ink barely dry and all....I'm sorry to read that, but it was also nice that SIL reached out and told you. I'm sure it will help bring closure and it sounds like you are in a pretty good place in any case.

Glad to hear you've been reconnecting with your S too :-)

Take care my friend X

That was a quick turn around from being divorced to remarrying before the ink was completely dry. Maybe they are keeping it secret because they don't want to hear any flack from others. Maybe your son knows about it or suspects something and this could be playing on his mind. Whatever the reason for the secret, I'm glad you aren't saying anything about it.

I'm so glad that you and your son are doing so much better. I do hope things go smoothly and he has a good year at school. Remember, before you speak from anger or frustration, count to ten and then decide if it's worth it to blow your stack.

Enjoy the holiday!

wow. why such a hurry i wonder? glad you are doing well, despite the curve ball and son and you are bonding. hang in there Wet xoxoxoxo

Thank y'all for your replies. I appreciate you.

S15's birthday is today. ExW has him. I will be taking s15, d21, her bf, grand-baby, and d20 out to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner on Sunday night.

Ok, it was not a mystery to me that ExW married om less than 2 weeks after our divorce was official. During our divorce mediation ExW referred to om (who has lived with her since the beginning of 2016)as her "fianc�".

She also told me early on after the divorce papers were served that om was "dying", which was why she wanted the divorce rushed thru. She mentioned problems with his liver (he's a drinker). Frankly, I don't believe her, but who knows?

From SiL's report, ExW told her father (FiL) that with the re-marriage she is now on his life insurance policy, beneficiary of his pension (I don't think she understands that how much she will received from the pension can vary greatly depending on how single om set it up.) So this seems like a reason why ExW moved so quickly on the re-marriage.

Om told FiL that he likes ExW's kids (my kids!

) more than he likes his own 2 adult daughters, which is why he is disinheriting them. I'm sure there is a story there, that I don't want to know. I previously told the story from this past February, s15 pulled a knife and threatened om, so if his relationship is worse with his own daughters, yikes!!!

The whole story just feels yucky to me. But not my sandbox. Trying to keep the focus on me, my better health letting me start to exercise again, and s15. Ok, and holding grand-baby whenever I can.

Grand-baby love is awesome!!! Congratulations Wet. So many positives and OK is really amazing when dealing with a fifteen year old.

Glad you are enjoying your own sandbox. You can build your own castle.

Friday Lawyer Joke:

Lawyers for John duPont think they have found solid grounds for an appeal of his murder conviction. They have discovered that he still has a lot of money.

: )

Friday Lawyer joke:

Have you heard that cemeteries are burying lawyers 12 feet underground instead of the normal 6?

Yeah, turns out deep down they really are good people.

Jack, love your Lawyer Joke and other quotes. Thanx

Ok today was such a beautiful day here in town, I decided there was no way I was going to sit in on a Saturday night. I am going out to a Meet Up. Dinner and a game night that's close by. This is so unlike me.

Let's see if I can find some nice people. I have no expectations.

OK, my Meet Up with a bunch of Christian game-players last weekend was disappointing. There were about 20 of us, but everyone was in their 60's+. I wouldn't mind dating an older woman, but I guess I have never considered dating an older woman. The group of women I chatted with were attractive, but life-long single women (no children). I hit it off with two of them but no real connection.

I did come in 2nd to a vigorous game of Scrabble.

Let me share an odd story involving d22. When I took the kids out to dinner a couple of week's ago for s15's b-day, d22 mentioned they were looking to purchase a house. D22 just had a baby and she and her bf are living with ExW rent free.

Now what makes this weird is that d22 isn't working now. She hasn't graduated yet and has student loans. Bf is a 21 year old kid who works as a chef, which doesn't pay much. If they get their own place, someone has to watch grand-baby. I just can't imagine they are anywhere near ready to buy a place yet.

I tried to explain that their housing expense/mortgage is paid from 31% of their combined incomes. And d22 shot back unless you have 2 year's savings to pay off the mortgage. Whaaat?! I know d22 lived with me before moving in with bf's parents, and now ExW. But she can't really have that much saved up can she?

I guess it is a bit painful as ExW and her hubby are thinking of buying a house next year, and now d22 and her bf. While I'm in my apartment. Yeah, it stings a little.

I have s15 this week. This is going to take some time. And patience. And liquor.

Journaling. Last week s15 was on health kick, eating microwave Healthy Choice meals. We ate separately. He was in his room, and we didn't talk much. Except when he had an outburst on how me hated his new school (which I am forcing him to go to, b/c of a bad crowd he was involved in at ExW's place.)

So tonight he asked if I was making dinner, and I was prepared - I told s15 I was making T-bone steaks, potatoes and carrots. A nice healthy balanced meal. I told him we would be eating at 6 - he left to go play basketball at a nearby court at 5 (he brought his backpack with his school laptop with him, which was suspicious.

But I am giving him space right now, picking my battles.)

I had this nice meal ready at 6 - no sign of s15. I text him that "dinner is ready" at 6:10, no response. I pour myself a whiskey 7, put on some music (80's music of course) and read a sermon of John Bunyan (from 'Pilgrim's Progress' fame.) I was ok and s15 would come home when he was hungry.

6:40 s15 came home. No problem. I sit us down at the dining room table, and ask him about his day. He said nothing. I asked him if anything went well today, he said "no".

I asked s15 if we should sign him up late for 9th grade football. No, it's too late. I said let's go over the school's clubs and activities and get him involved in something. No, he's not interested.

4 bites of food and s15 got up and left to go play on his PS. NBA 2K17 is his favorite game right now. I took a long draw of my whiskey 7, and cleaned up after the meal.

This is hard. I don't know what he needs from me.

I am happy with my patience, and keeping an even keel for s15. I am going to the exercise room 3 times a week, and I feel good. My lungs are doing good. I'm hoping patience and giving s15 space is the right course of action for him right now.

Wet - nice job being patient. Teenagers sure do know how to test every button, don't they?

Have you tried playing NBA 2K17 with him? I have two boys and one thing that can work over here, is to join in my boys' activities. It gives us a conversation starting point.

FWIW I think you handled that quite well. xo

Wet,

I think you handled the situation quite well. Remember...you can use DB on him, i.e., give him plenty of space and time. Right now, he's clearly unhappy w/his school and he may think that if he acts out, you'll eventually give in and allow him to go back to the old school.

Remember to breathe and don't let him see you sweat.

Thanks HaWho, bttrfly and Job for your words. They help.

TNT is playing the Star Wars movies starting tonight. I think he'll watch them with me. He loved the most recent movie so I think he'll enjoy seeing all of movies that led up to it. (I need to remember to keep my mouth shut when he inevitably starts looking at his phone.)

Job, DB'ing my s15? Hmm, I'm giving him space but I also want to show my love, interest and attention in HIM. I don't think he's getting much attention at ExW's place other than being told what to do ('clean up your mess', etc.) It's a tightrope.

did you ever read The Art of Raising A Puppy by the Monks of New Skeet?

I think it applies to kids and MLC spouses ...

just a suggestion.

There was this bit of fluff movie, Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin: "If a Man Answers" I think it was ... The mom advises the bride to read a book about training the family dog ... you get the idea. Worth a watch tho ... very funny movie ... I think it won a Golden Globe or something...

xoxoxo
(p.s. thanks for dropping by my thread! haven't seen silver linings play book but will see if it's on netflix)

Wet,
Just finished watching Silver Linings ... great movie. First time I've ever rooted for the Eagles, lol. Thanks for the recommendation! xoxoxoxo

Now I need to watch Silver Linings. I kinda caught it on one of those paid channel pre-view weekends and only saw the last half. I'm intrigued.

Teenagers are at that fun stage in life where they crave your attention AND their independence. I remember the whiplash I would get from having hugs and advice I initiated shrugged off with irritation, only to have them ask for help and a cuddle minutes later. Add in the anger and confusion of two people they love together parting ways...ultimate pain, confusion and anger bunnies being fed daily.

I agree to DB...not by LRT, but by giving some space and OFFERRING loving gestures (like a good, healthy dinner), caring words, interest in what he thinks about things. You may get nada back (independence in his mind), but it does plant a seed. "How was your day" or "what good things happened" are good, but also try mentioning a news event or something that happened at your work and asking what he thinks about it. He wants to be an adult, but also still wants to find the safety and security of still being your child. Your way of handling dinner and his (I'm going to just go ahead and say purposeful) assertion of "power" (tardiness and not eating much) by being patient and light was just good DBing. Keep it up!

Keep up the Friday Lawyer jokes, Wet. After my mediation Monday, I think both of my and H's Ls were walking, talking versions of two different jokes.

Just dropping by. I wanted to see how you are doing. Just remember the way your son is acting isn't about you, it is about him. He ahs a lot to work through. Just keep being his rock.

kat

I agree with Kat
Teens have it hard enough with hormornal changes, stress, pressure, figuring out who they are and throw a MLC mom or dad in the mix. We can't imagine what's spinning in their heads.

They havent developed empathy yet and rebel against everything that is unsure to them. Some teens have it all. Happy families. Loads of friends, loving parents and great grades. Most have it tough. Low Self image, bad friends, can't grasp school or not liking school at all. Parents that do nott respect each other and are seperated showing their kids how to behave.

Just show your S love and patience. Give space but also give support. You don't want him bottling himself up. If he talks about his feeling don't make suggestions for him in the beggining . Let him talk and you listen. And no 101 questions lol teens hate that. Remember MLC'rs are teens so the same rules apply to your true teens. Questioning is a no no
As he opens up and doesn't feel judged or you don't give him all the answers in a way he's being told what to do he will open up more and more and the closer you will become.

Not easy I know but you are doing great

Irish

Wow, thanks everyone for your help. Let me take a little time to go thru your comments.

Ok Ciluzen, here is my Friday Lawyer Joke

:

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly anointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked her dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

I had a double set-back yesterday.

S15 promised me that he would stay thru the weekend. I also agreed to pay him if he would do a good job cleaning up. But as soon as he came back to the apartment after Friday classes, I asked him how his math quiz went. "I don't know." I asked how his acting test went "it was only about terminology". So did you know your stuff? "I don't know."

He then said drive me back to mom's. I looked at him like he was kidding. But he wasn't. I asked him, "you said you were staying thru the weekend?" And he started his oft repeated line - "But you made me change schools, and I don't know anyone here." I was flustered and I told him "A person of character keeps his word. Aren't you a person of character?"

S15's sister drove him back to ExW's. Oh yeah, he didn't clean up.

So I was down that s15 left. What did I do? Did I pick myself up, go exercise? Call a friend? Or go volunteer somewhere?

No, I grabbed a beer and went thru the old love letters ExW and gave to each other early on in our R. I had lunch with my Mom on Thursday, and she asked me to remove a couple of boxes I had stored at her place. The old love letters were there. Yes, reading them re-opened an old wound.

But it helped me remember that we had real love. There was joy. There was excitement. ExW listed 20+ things that she really loved about me. There were promises of faithful love forever. I miss who we both were back then.

There was also a really kind letter from an aunt who has now passed. This was a card she sent while we were waiting to adopt d22. One of her lines was very touching:

"Faith is the bird that sees the light and sings while the dawn is still dark."

I love that. I have faith and hope that one day I can find another R that will give me a different, but still special love with another woman.

Wet, love the line from your Auntie ... sorry this was a sub-optimal weekend

I'm glad that you feel faith and hope. It will happen for you, because of your ability to stay open. You're a great guy and a loving father. I especially respect that you aren't one who rushes to replace what was lost without really allowing yourself to heal first. You give me hope also.

{{{ hugs }}}

now go watch if a man answers and read the art of raising a puppy, lol

I hope you can see the game your son is playing even if he doesn't know that he is playing it. Wants to guilt you about making him change schools. Don't sweat that, he did that himself with the trouble he got into.

Plays you off of his Mom. I bet she and new hubby weren't happy to have him home when he was supposed to be gone. He won't be all that happy to be there but is trying to send his pain to you. This is a choice he made.

I think it is so much better he learn this lesson now. You make a choice, something happens. Sometimes it is a great thing and other times, it brings nothing but trouble. He has to learn to make good choices and for the right reasons. He isn't doing that now. He is hurting. Is he seeing a counselor? It might speed along his healing.

Hugs, kat

Thank you bttrfly and Kat. You guys give me "hope" that I can get thru this. And find someone as great as you guys!

I am driving s15 to school this week. he's been fine. But I am staying on top of what he is studying at school. And when I brought up his studying metric conversions, he gets angry raises his voice and tells me his homework is done.

I smile. I know he is doing this bc he is in pain with a situation out of his control. I tell him gently that there is no reason to raise his voice with me. It calms him down this time.

Ok, one more weird thing. Last weekend I read our old love letters. I also went thru d22's adoption file I've kept (she was adopted from Delhi, India). I read the report that her birth mother was not going to let d22 live after she was born :o, but the doctor was the one who convinced her to put newborn d22 on the steps of an orphanage. The doctor said he did this bc the baby was so beautiful.

I see God's hand so clearly bringing her to our family. D22 is so special, and yes, I have made sure she knows this.

With this roil of emotions, I was watching a movie and I just started weeping. I haven't done this in a while. I hope these tears are tears of healing.

Wet,

You will get thru this and yes, when you least expect it, someone will come into your life who will enjoy being a part of your life as you will enjoy being a part of hers as well.

I think you handled the conversation w/your son quite well this morning. He's angry, hurting and confused. He has no control over his life at the moment and he's lashing out. Hopefully, he will come to realize that you aren't the enemy, but he doesn't realize that he needs to be away from the other school and the people there. He doesn't realize that he could have gone down the wrong path, a path that he may not have been able to retrace back to the safety of his family. I'm glad you have him in a new school and he's living w/you at the moment. Years from now, he'll thank you for doing this, i.e., even though he hates it at the moment.

God has a way of working things out and you and your wife were very lucky to adopt your daughter. She is a bright light in your dark tunnel at the moment. However, you need to find a way to show your son that he can be a bright light too. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

I think your tears are tears of healing. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing everything you can to take care of yourself and your family.

Thank you wonderful Counselor.

Time for a new topic: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2707384&#Post2707384