Approaching the crossroads � picking up the speed�

Divorcebusting.com

Link to the previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2645696&page=11

I�ve been swamped at work, plus two side project keep me busy. Plus, I�m doing a refi on my house, getting ready for my vacations, and got myself into a �business� adventure (I will post later about.)

H continues to pick out of the tunnel and go back into it. I mostly treat all interruptions as business as usual. But, this week something strange happened� I start with the update first. I sent him an e-mail asking him to call Costco and switch the membership auto renewal to another Amex card. We have sets of cards and wanted to cancel one at some point, but I was told that H is a primary on the account and only he can do it. Costco already mailed the set of cards to replace Amex, which they discontinue to use next month. I just wanted to make sure that they don�t send the second set to replace other cards.

H texted me a couple of days later asking to clarify what he needed to do regarding Costco. We had a pretty extensive text exchange, which looked like an exchange between spouses to somebody who doesn�t know out sitch. The interesting part is that H is perfectly fine with keeping the joint accounts (Costco and credit cards tied to it.) I had a feeling that he actually was pretty happy to take care of this and report the progress to me.

I mailed him his mail that accumulated for the last 3 months or so. Next day after I mailed it, I received an envelope on his name from Ticket Master. I waited a couple of days thinking that H would ask me about it. I also thought that he did mail to the house because he would be stopping by sometime, on his way to the vacation home in mid June. He didn�t ask. So, I texted him and told him about it. His responded that he screwed up, that he thought he had it mailed to his address where he works. He texted that he actually wanted to sell these tickets (hmmmm�. I know that he just bought them from the charge on the card) and asked me if I could mail them Express mail.

Maybe he gets confused these days. It is like waking up from a coma and remembering the old life, or not realizing that the old address is not your address anymore.

And then this� I got home and there was a small package on H�s name by the door. From Dillards. So, another �mistake�? I took the package to work with me next day, along with that Ticket Master envelope and a few other items to mail. I texted H about the box and asked what he wanted to do with it. This is where it gets weird� He replied that he had no idea what the package was and that I can open it and see what�s inside. My first thought was that it could be one of these promotions that Dillards sends if you buy certain things. (I saw the Dillards charge on H�s card a few days earlier.)

So, I opened the box and there was a lipstick!!! I didn�t even take a good look at, then texted H if he wanted me to mail it as well, with the laughing emoticon at the end. His reply � Wtf. Is it my color? Haha�. My reply �I think so� It is bright pink�, with the laughing emoticon again. He didn�t reply right away. And then I got this: �Happy Birthday�. Now it was my turn to say WTF? But, I didn�t. I was puzzled, thinking if this was some kind of a joke or a prank� I didn�t know what to say. I finally replied that it was perfect and an appropriate gift for a 50th b-day, lol. And that I will totally wear it. He replied with the smiley cat face emoticon� WHAT!!! H doesn�t like cats!

When I went back to my car after work, I pulled the packing slip from the box and checked it. It was all legit. It looks like H paid $25 for the lipstick (Elizabeth Arden brand) and there was his shipping and billing addresses, which is my house address. Then I opened the case to see what color the lipstick actually was. It is �raspberry�, which is my favorite color that I always pick.

Is this real? Did H actually think about my B-day and spent some time picking a gift for me� And he actually picked the right color�

I�m still not sure if this is for real. Did I miss the opportunity to validate? I didn�t say a proper thank you and how much I appreciate the thought�

Any thoughts?

I�m driving to the vacation home this afternoon. I guess I will be thinking about this on my way.

well. that's ... odd ... I don't know if this is a good DB technique but it is something my mother taught me. It is ALWAYS ok to go back and give a proper thank you after the fact.

xoxoxoxo

oh and Happy birthday!

Milestone birthday!!! Congratulations - and loved the story about the lipstick! It's kind of hilarious (in a nice way) and thoughtful of your H to arrange that.

Best to enjoy that moment of pleasure and keep moving forward - and yes I would certainly send him a little thank you for it.

Enjoy your trip xx

Happy Birthday! I would definitely circle back and thank him for the gift. They don't forget everything and yes, they even think about us on those special days. I think it was a very nice gesture and I would definitely wear the lipstick and smile along the way.

Enjoy your holiday! Travel safely.

Happy Birthday! I love that story about the lipstick! That was very sweet of him, no matter how you look at it.

Hi Bright! Why not try something new.

Apply lipstick
Write thank you card
Sign card with a kiss
See what happens next... heehee!

Have fun!

Happy belated birthday!! Enjoy the lipstick and what a funny story.

HaWho, it is not belated yet. Sorry, I failed to mention that my B-day is a few days away.

Thanks everyone for the B-day wishes though. And I will take the advice and thank H for the gift.

FY, not sure if I'm going to go all the way like you suggested though, LOL. I will have to think about that�

bttrfly, I�m not sure if I�m in DB mode anymore anyway, and I do have the same opinion as your Mother. I always say that it is �better late than never�.

Sotto, this did make think some� But, I�m not slowing down in moving forward.

Job, I wonder sometimes what H remembers. He definitely remembers my lipstick color, LOL. I�m just curious if they also remember the �bad� things in the marriage and how they felt when they decided to leave.

Ciluzen, it is definitely sweet of H to do this.

Yet� I�m still not sure if it was a temperature check on H�s part, or he just felt like that, or he was drunk and not thinking clearly� Just the fact that the package was addressed to him and not me is kind of interesting. I keep thinking of different reasons why he did it. He was not sure if it was ok� he didn�t feel comfortable doing this� he wanted to create some surprise effect� he wanted to know when I would open the package (as I would ask him about it first � which I did)� IDK. But, more I think about it, more I feel that there is some message behind it, which I cannot figure out yet. The choice of the gift is interesting too.

Anyway, I�m at the vacation home now. Met with my friends (mutual friends). They are throwing a party for my B-day tomorrow. This is so nice of them. I�m so grateful that I have such wonderful friends.

Happy Birthday, Bright! Glad you'll get the chance to celebrate with friends.

Love the lipstick story! That was quite creative on your H's part. Is this different from the past few birthdays?

If my H is any example, they remember a lot. He'll bring up things from a long time ago that I had forgotten or not thought of in a long while. I suppose that includes the good and the bad?? But I don't think my H would remember my lipstick color. I'm impressed.

Have a wonderful weekend celebrating your birthday.

2T

Hi 2T, thanks for stopping by. I�m still in disbelieve myself that first, H remembered the color, and second, that he did this. H was creative like this when I met him and for the first few years of our M. This is when he wanted to impress me or do something nice for me. Then this gradually dwindled down, as he lost interest in M, I suppose. It became a chore for him to even cook a meal once a week. And even then he would pick some nice gifts for me. A couple years before the BD, he was just always stressed about the holidays like my b-day, Mother�s day, New years, when he had to give me a gift. It probably took an enormous effort for him right before the BD.

H didn�t get me anything for my B-day right before the BD 4 years ago. He apologized and sounded very stressed about it. He also didn�t make an effort to fly home (from his work state) for my B-day. 4 weeks later I got a speech and BD. I don�t think he gave me anything for my b-day a year after that. He always sent the cards, except for the last year. He also called. But, never sent the gifts�

So, this is kind of significant in the way that he �remembered� how to get creative. It could be that he decided to do this because it is the milestone b-day. I think I am trying to talk myself out of thinking that this is some kind of sign, so I don�t have my hopes up again. The downside of this though is that I also don�t feel any urgency to acknowledge this gesture.

happy birthday Bright. You are a few years more in this than I am. You've had a few milestone dates of BD and non birthday wishes from your MLC'r

Its not easy I'm sure but you do seem ahead of he game.

hugs to you

Irish

Thanks, Irish. I had quite a few milestones since BD, that�s for sure. I think I�m moving on quite nicely, but this H�s �niceness� threw me off a bit recently.

I had a great time at the vacation home. My friends threw me an amazing party. Our other friends hosted it at their house, and my GF (mutual friend) cooked a bunch of Mexican dishes. I�m so grateful to have friends like this!

There was some other things that transpired during my stay at the vacation home� I will post about it later�

I drove back home from the vacation home on Monday, then flew to Vegas on Tuesday to meet with my other GF. We spent a few days doing some fun stuff, including a lunch and a dinner on my actual B-day. We also took a Hoover Dam tour on our last day there. I was completely in a party mood. But� guess what� I was getting some texts from H. He texted me Happy Birthday on Wednesday (there was no phone call this time, but I think he knew that I was in Vegas), and immediately proceeded to complain about the condo mortgage and asking me some questions. REALLY!!! On my 50th B-day he needed to discuss the condo business!!!

I thanked him for the B-day wishes and also for the card that I received from him. It was actually pretty nice, wishing me all the good things for my �39�th B-day. I thanked him for that, and he replied that �what girl wants to hear she is fifty�� I thought it was pretty nice of him. I made a couple of jokes in my replies to him, but I completely ignored his complaints about the condo. Then, next day he texted me again (why could not he live me alone to enjoy my time in Vegas, LOL�). H said that he learnt that I sold my old car to my mutual friends in Mexico and was offering to drive it down there on June 15th. He also said that my male mutual friend told him that I would like to come down there on July 4th weekend, and he will not be there, and I�m welcome to use the condo� The bottom line is that I was totally going to enjoy my time in Vegas and didn�t even think about H� But� He sure reminded me of himself, LOL. And� once again he offered me to stay at the condo without me asking him. This is quite significant in lieu of some stuff that I will post later (hint � I�m thinking to buy another condo over there� for me�)

In all of these text exchanges he�s been extremely nice and polite. However, he texted me today that our neighbor in Mexico (condo next door) is going to be in my city next week and she can pick up the car from me, then pick him up from the airport and they can drive to the vacation home. I was kind of taken aback at first� With all his niceness and increased contact� I thought that he would want to come over and see me� But� No� It doesn�t look like he wants to do it� I was confused for a few minutes� And then I recovered� It actually makes it easier for me� And then I thought that he might be trying to avoid picking up some stuff from here, like his storage chests, which I�m so eager to get rid off any time now� Maybe I�m just delusional� I had this gut feeling that H is looking for the ways to reconnect� But, with this last development, I�m just not so sure anymore�

So, who knows what is on H�s mind� I just need to keep my head straight and keep going on with my life. I have all the intention to do that!

My sister and her H thrown a huge B-day party for me last Saturday! They decorated the house with these 50th stuff, LOL. They cooked our traditional food� My GF was there too (the one I was in Vegas with), my BIL (H�s brother came too), my son and his GF, my nephews, another friend� We had a lot of fun! I cannot be more grateful for my family and friends being there for me! I felt a lot of love! I�m very fortunate to have my family and my friends!

I�m back to work this week. My GF is still here until Friday.

Sorry, my friends, for not posting to all your threads� I�ve been reading and keeping up the best I can. I promise I will post as soon as I get some breathing time�

Wow! You certainly had a good time celebrating your birthday. I'm glad you had fun. I'm sure returning to work after a fun time appears to be a bit dull...but you'll get back into the swing of things in no time.

I'm glad to see that you've decided to sell your old car. I hope you got a good price for it and are still enjoying your new one.

Your h has been a busy man, i.e., texting you quite a bit. He's having some moments of clarity and wants to remind you that he's still out there stumbling around. I'm glad you've recovered nicely from receiving those texts. Time will tell as to where he's at in the crisis...but I would certainly continue to keep the window cracked for communications.

Enjoy your week! Again, I'm very glad you had a great birthday and it's one to remember!

Hello whoever is still reading my updates, LOL. I have some updates, but not sure I can describe everything good enough, as I�m still trying to wrap my head around some things� I don�t even know where to start.

Job, thanks for cheering me up! I do keep the communication channel open. It is actually not as hard anymore, to communicate with H, as I have almost no expectations. I said �almost� because I feel that I still get sucked into the story� Hence� my updates�

As I posted before, I had my B-day celebration at my sister�s. My BIL (H�s brother) was there too. Apparently there was a �moment� that I missed� When we were still sitting at the dinner table and before I was opening the presents, my BIL handed me what I thought were his gifts from him. He gave me what I thought was a very small jewelry box and his usual gift certificate to a massage place. I looked at the box and thought that it was kind of a weird gift from BIL. He said something about it, but by that time I had a few drinks and was feeling very merry, LOL. So, I totally didn�t make anything out of that box, except that it was a strange gift from my BIL.

A few days later my sister called me to chat and asked me what I thought about that BIL�s gift, as she detected some �meaning� in it. Well, my sister is pretty intuitive, and she didn�t have as many drinks as I did. She told me that my BIL was saying something in the sense that this little gift was an addition to what I�ve already received� and that I should know what it is� And then it hit me� This little box is a very nice lipstick case! With the mirror! I suppose, to hold that lipstick that H sent to me! OMG! I wish I remembered what BIL said at the time he handed this lipstick case to me. I�m so ignorant! Or, maybe I�m so detached that I don�t even get any �hints�� if this can be considered that� I�m completely confused. What is this supposed to mean???

And then this, folks� Some of you will get a kick out of it, LOL. I went to my sister�s for dinner last Saturday and we discussed this again. This time with my other BIL (my sister�s H) involved. He said that the lipstick is definitely an intimate gift, and that it could be a sing of H�s movement towards reconnecting. But, it could be also just a gesture to recognize my milestone B-day. But� the follow up with the lipstick case could be something different� again� meaning the reconnection... Soooo� his �advice� was that if H wants to reconnect and make the amends, I should consider it� Because� he is a nice person� and there are not too many people like him� And� my sister agreed� OMG! These are the same people who were telling me to move on, forget about H and find another R!

Then� it occured to them that H�s brother was asking them about the plans for my B-day like 2 weeks prior (which is unusual for him, but again.. could be explained by the fact that it was a milestone B-day.) And then I told them that H had an airline ticket purchased� to fly to my city on the date of my B-day� I know this because it was charged to the business CC. This ticket got unused, as H didn�t fly� I thought that he purchased this ticket by mistake� Then I thought that it was not a mistake, but he learnt that I would be in Vegas and decided to cancel it�

I told my sister and her H about that ticket. Oh boy� Were they upset! They started to regret that they didn�t think to invite my H to my B-day party, as they thought that there were all the indications that he would want to come over.

Not sure what to call this, a Cinderella story or a soap opera, LOL! If there was any purpose in all of this is that it definitely made my head spin. If all of this is not my imagination, and H wanted to get my attention, I can say that he achieved his goal. This is where I need some support here. I think I�m hopeless� thinking about how kind H has been recently and all this �effort� to give something special for my B-day� and all these increased communication� plus my BIL�s �help� (still need to find out the real meaning of it)� I caught myself today thinking that I should have paid more attention to the �signs� and gave H more opportunity� Don�t even know what kind of opportunity� Except I feel somewhat regretful that I didn�t recognize his �efforts�??? I didn�t invite him for my B-day� I feel sorry for H� I know these feelings of things that cannot be repeated again, like his nieces� weddings, which I didn�t attend and where my son was also not invited to. I feel like I�m not making much sense here.

All I need now is to stay the course. To keep moving on with my life and doing things that are good for me! I do want to get together with my BIL (H�s brother) to find out the truth about that lipstick case. He actually asked me about HH last week, but I was busy.

I�ve got a lot of other things going on right now. Can�t wait for some relaxing time.

Hi Bright, I'm glad you enjoyed your birthday celebrations. So, from what I read it sounds as though maybe H (through BIL) gave you the gift of a case to go with the lipstick? But you're not sure if that is the case or not and no-one has said directly?

Well, IMHO if you are giving someone a gift, you need to make it from you - and so the person receiving it will know that and appreciate the gesture, offer thanks etc. If you don't do that - they can't really appreciate the gesture, offer thanks and so on.

So, at this point in time, the gift appears to be from BIL and my view would be to not ask outright if it is from H. Though for sure you could mention the gift again and say how much you appreciate. Even mentioning (innocently) that H bought a lovely lipstick and the case from BIL is perfect for it.

I would also say to be careful about mind reading and expectations. The damage of MLC behaviour isn't undone by purchasing a couple of nice gifts and I think it would take a mature, genuine and remorseful approach from him for me to even consider changing my course.

I would say, live your life, try not to worry about where he may be at and be pleasant and open in any interactions.

Just my thoughts anyway Bright xx

Hi Sotto! Thanks for taking time to read my update and post your view! I really appreciate it. And this exactly what I was looking for. I think you are spot on about the gifts. I�m going to take your advice and casually thank BIL for the gift. I�m going to probe him though, if this is really from him, as I really don�t remember what he said when he was handing it to me. To your point, BIL didn�t say anything directly, that�s for sure. My sister�s �speculation� is that the lipstick case was from H and BIL was just a messenger, and making sure that H had some kind of �presence� at my B-day party.

Sotto, I completely agree with you, that if H would want to come back into my life, he would have to come with more than just a gift. I think that he might be testing the waters to see if I would be open to anything at all. But� if he would want to truly reconnect, he would have come out and talk to me. This would be a mature way to handle things.

Bottom line is that I�m intending to continue with my life as I have been. I just need to keep the romantic side of me in check, LOL. I might miss some �hints� and �signs� from H� But� hints and signs are no longer enough for me. I need something more substantial. If he can deliver� Great! I will take a look� If not� I will keep moving on.

Tomorrow I have our neighbor at the vacation home coming over to pick up my old car to deliver it to my mutual friends in Mexico (she is supposed to pick up my H from the airport tomorrow and I�m sure he will do the driving.) She was supposed to pick up the car tonight, but her flight got delayed, so she is coming tomorrow. I�m so sentimental about giving away my old car�. I�m just so weird this way� I had this car for 15 years and it �saw� the history� I have lots of memories in regards to this car� I�m selling it to my mutual friends for 1 � or 2 time less than I could have sold it to a private party.

In any case, I think this car is sort of a symbol� I NEED to let go of the past� I need to embrace the new beginnings!

Hi Bright - I was glad to hear that you had such a nice birthday! I like Sotto's advice on how to handle the situation with the lipstick case.

As for your old car, that is very kind of you to sell it for less to your good friends. That kindness will pay you big dividends in life!

And yes, time to make new, even more amazing memories in your new car! Step on the gas . . .

Hi Bright

New car :-) congrats.. road trip in your near future.
Great Idea to pass the old one off to someone who needs it and someone you know. I agree with HaWho.

As for the lipstick. It is a personal gift. It would of been nicer if H delivered it himself but who knows if he is ready for that yet. I wouldn't read into it too much. If it was from BIL. weird gift don't you think.

You have some interesting stuff happening..

hugs

Irish

Thank you HaWho and Irish. I really didn�t want sell my old car to my mutual friends, because I just don�t know how long it will run and if there would be any major repairs needed in the nearest future. I will feel bad if it breaks down in the next few months. But my mutual friends were so adamant about wanting this car� I told them about all little things that are no longer �new� in this car, but they still wanted it. So, I hope that the car will last for a few more years without any major issue. After all, their daily drive is nothing compared to mine. They don�t need to drive on the freeway with speeds of 70-80 mph and drive around a big city.

They wanted it because they only have one car right now, a van that is very old and keeps breaking down. My male friend wanted my old car for his wife, so she would be independent in terms of driving and not relying on him taking her places. Not sure if she is really into this idea though, LOL. I think she likes him taking care of her. But, sometimes she really needs to have her own transportation. I think she will like it.

So, the other friend, the neighbor from the vacation home came over today to pick up the car. She was late� She was supposed to be at my house no later than 9:30. She finally showed up at 11. She said that there were some �issues� in the morning. Her daughter (who was supposed to drive her here) was feeding her baby (7 month old) and they had to deal with some kind of bank issues. I was a bit upset at first, but I let it go. I was working from home and there were no meetings at work, so I was fine. She apologized a million times. There was another woman who was going to the vacation home place and who lives in my city. They drove to the airport to pick up my H. My neighbor was reporting (texting) the status (got to the airport, picked up H�) to me, which I think was nice of her.

The interesting part in this �car� story was that H kept checking with me if our neighbor contacted me, if she was coming to pick the car, if she picked up the car yet (this morning)� etc� He arranged this with her first place, so why he was checking with me when he could check with her� I guess, I�m a more reliable person, hahaha! Or just because� he could�

So, enough about my car. It is gone! I�m going to see it at the vacation home thought. Kind of weird.

Irish, I so appreciate the opinion from a male about the lipstick and the case, LOL. I only had one from my sister�s H, who also said that lipstick is a very personal gift. I don�t know if I was not clear about the other part of it, the lipstick case. Lipstick case was handed to me by my BIL (H�s brother) with some comments, which I don�t remember. My other BIL (sister�s H) also thought that it would be very weird for H�s brother to gift me a lipstick case. So, he concluded that it was also from H. And this is what I need to find out. But� it gets weirder from here� LOL

My BIL (H�s brother) texted me last week asking if I would want to do a happy hour sometimes. I texted back saying that my GF was still with me and we would see if we could make it. We didn�t. So, I texted BIL today asking him if there are any happy hour plans for this week (as I really want to find out about the lipstick case�) He replied back saying that he is not sure when and where, but his sister and her son (BIL�s nephew) are in town and he would like to meet with them. I texted back �OK, maybe next week then�. What I�ve got in response was not what I expected� He asked me if I wanted to meet with his sister and nephew�

WHAT?! This is new. I know the sister was in town multiple times, visiting my BIL, since BD. Most of the times I didn�t even know she was here. Not that I was �invited� to join them or see her (mind you my BIL lives in the same neighborhood.) I have very mixed feelings about this. H told me at BD that his sister was surprised �that we were still together� at that time. In a sense, she encouraged H to split with me. She has very troubled relationship history herself (3 times divorced with multiple boyfriends in the wings all the time.., daughter trying to commit a suicide in high school over a broken R with a boyfriends.., son, declaring that he doesn�t want kids and doing vasectomy at the age before 30�), so I�m not surprised. And after she learnt about our split, she completely erased me from her life. I never heard from her or received anything from her (compared to holiday cards from H�s older brother and my BIL.)

I so wanted to tell my BIL that �no, I don�t want to meet up with your sister, but I would like to see your nephew�. But, I didn�t. So, I texted back �Ok, let me know where�. I can always come up with an excuse to not go. I have until Friday to think about it. I�m not so sure I want to do it. Part of me doesn�t want to open the can of warms, and part of me is very curious and devilish, LOL. I would not hesitate to throw the truth darts, which would be different from the past, when I was just listening and tolerating �the sister�.

Sorry for the long post again�

OMG. I so get the "tolerating" the in-laws. HaHa.

Glad to hear you had such a memorable birthday. Belated wishes to you!

You sound really good. If your H is doing some water testing, I think you will handle it very well. In the meantime, I'd do as Sotto said, continue to live your life while leaving the door open.

2T, thanks for stopping by. I ended up not going to a happy hour with BIL and �sis� and a nephew. I had a spontaneous happy hour with people from work. I texted BIL to tell him that I might stop by to see him and Co. after that and to let me know if he would be there for sure. Actually, I waited for him to let me know before I committed to a work happy hour, but he texted me after 3 pm and being vague about it. So, I figured that �sis� was not that excited to see me either, LOL. Or, she was non-committal with BIL as well, which could be case too. So, I got a text from him about 8 pm that they were ready to leave the place and said �see you next time�. I texted back �Ok. Tell everyone I said hi�. Easy-peasy�

The only thing is that I didn�t get to find out about that lipstick box. Oh well, I have the rest of my life to do that, haha.

BTW, the lipstick ended up to be not my color at all. It looked the right color, but when I put it on� It is too intense for me (it would probably suit that crazy woman at the vacation home thought, LOL.) So, I am going to try to exchange it for a different color.

On H�s front� He�s been MIA again� I sent his mail and a package of coffee filters with our neighbor when she picked my old car. When I was at the condo last time, a lot of supplies (including the once I brought), like toilet paper, paper towels, soaps, and coffee filters were depleted. Well, out mutual friends stayed there a few times, and I think also the female friend�s Mexican family was visiting. They used a lot of stuff� There were no coffee filters when I came there last time. So, I was kind enough to send the coffee filters with our neighbor. Didn�t get any thank you notes from H� Not that I expect anything anymore. It just shows the pattern� He picks out from the rabbit hole� and then goes back in again� Or, maybe he is waiting for the �right� moment to communicate� It�s like having something in reserves, like he�s saving things for later� Will see�

Oh yeah� I texted him �Happy Father�s day� yesterday. Just because I felt like it. No reply so far. And I don�t care right now.

A lot of things happened in the last month, some of which I�m yet to post about. I�ve been feeling burnt out. I�m trying to relax and take it easy now.

Hi Bright
:-)

I had to laugh about the lipstick.

1- I wondered if you figured out that puzzle. I guess we need to add it to the unknown mysteries of the world. Crop circles , ancient ruins, the human brain and MLC

2- crazy woman color. Lol this made me laugh. My STBXW before the left bought nail polish. Get this... It was named MAD WOMAN. Very aggressive red Color.

You wishing him happy fathers day was nice. If you wanted to do it then do it. Why should we not do what we want it do. I personally am not looking to punish my McL'r or treat her bad. We all need tu do what we want to do for us. Who cares what hey think.

Glad you sound good.

Hugs

Irish

hi bright,
hope you are well. just stopping in to blow kisses your way and wish you happy belated bday xoxoxo

Irish, bttrfly, thanks for stopping by.

Originally Posted By: Irish M

1- I wondered if you figured out that puzzle. I guess we need to add it to the unknown mysteries of the world. Crop circles , ancient ruins, the human brain and MLC

Irish, I�m afraid I will never figure out that puzzle. I tried� After my sister�s GF, who was also at my B-day party told that she understood my BIL�s comments about that lipstick box that it was from someone else� I asked my BIL point blank if the gift was from him or from H. To which he replied that it was from him. I had a happy hour with him today and apologized for my questioning and also told him about the lipstick gift that I got from H. So, BIL told me that he didn�t know about H�s gift� and that he barely talks to H� and that I know about H more than he does�

I�m completely confused now� Are these two gifts that seem to have a perfect sense to be correlated, are completely random..? My head is spinning� LOL. My intuition tells me that there is something I don�t know�

I�m trying to make this post not as long, as I have a lot of updates� I went on a business trip last week to a Southern state with a few people from work. We had a pretty tight work schedule, but also had some fun going out and visiting some local sites. In the middle of the trip, I was getting some texts from H, asking me for favors and giving me some info� Why does he need to do it when I�m busy with my life..? (just like when I was in Vegas, he was texting me about �stuff��)

After I came back from that trip last Wednesday, I drove to the vacation home on the next day and stayed there for the holiday weekend. Met with my mutual friends� Heard some stories and opinions�

Here are the BIG news I didn�t want to post about while the whole thing was in process. I bought my own condo at the vacation home place! It came on the market with the ridiculously low price, so I could not just let it go! I did the refi on my house mortgage here with the cash out. It is done and I�m ready to sign the paper work for the condo. It comes fully furnished. It has also been in the rental pool and had been renting pretty good.

My intend it to keep it in the rental, and use it when I am not able to stay at the first (H�s condo). I run this idea by my mutual friends and my male friend already shared it with H, when he was there a week before I came. I said that I would share the rental profit for these days when I stay at �our� condo with H. I still feel more comfortable in �our� condo, plus I have a lot of my stuff that is still there. Eventually, I might want to make my new condo comfortable for me (not just for rental).

So, when I was at the vacation home last time, for the Memorial Day weekend, I saw my other friends and some people who are from H�s circle of friends. The news about my condo purchase were already circulating� I guess there was some discussion and gossip about that... I�ve got �congratulations� from that crazy woman, H�s friend. I�m sure there were some conversations about it when H was there for a few days, which I think didn�t make him feel good. After all, I bought this for 1/3 of a price that we paid for �our� condo.

Soooo� this seemed to throw H out of balance. If he was making his way out the rabbit hole, this event made him retreat right back into it. I�m not sure if by making this step to buy a condo, I reversed any progress that H was making.

What I know: H sent me a lipstick for my B-day, he offered me to stay at the condo a few time recently even before I asked, he�s been retaining the mutual accounts and credit card, like he wants to keep some kind of connection to me� According to my male friend, H was going out of the way to maintain the san rail, so my son and his friend could enjoy it (my son, his GF and their friend came to the vacation home last weekend too), H has been trying to facilitate the repair of the hope that was made in the hallway last time I was at the condo and discovered a water leak again � to have the condo ready for my sister�s and her son�s visit in a couple of weeks (with me, of course.)

At the same time, my male friend told me about the conversation with H a couple of weeks ago� H made a comment about me buying a condo, something like �she didn�t even want to be here first place, and now she bought a condo�� And then this one: �I want her clothes out of my closet.�� Sounds like an angry man to me, LOL.

My mutual friend was giving me the ideas how I can have a storage space at my new condo to store all the stuff that I would remove from �our� condo� I told him that he didn�t need to worry about it, because I�m not going to do it anytime soon� and that H needs to file for D before he can make these kind of requests� Plus, H needs to talk to me and not to our friends about this� The conversation got a bit heated� Until next day when I told my mutual friend about the lipstick gift. Boy! Didn�t it throw him out of balance, LOL! He went silent and his wife told me that he was processing that info, hahaha.

All he said that the lipstick is a very personal gift and he cannot wrap his head around it. Ha! Welcome to the club! LOL!

Some other �stuff� that I head over the weekend. My female friend said that she still cannot understand H, but it seems like he is regretting his decision to separate. I asked why she thinks that and she said that H�s been making some comments that make her believe that. She asked me if I could get a bigger cash out amount out of my refi, to pay for �our� condo, and I said that I could. I guess, this is related to H�s having problems with the condo mortgage, which makes him feel anxious and worried about his future. Oh well� he made his bed� he has to sleep in it�

My male friend said that I�ve been doing exceptionally well in my life, and that H is just stuck in one place and seems to be not getting the life that he wanted. He also said that I came a long way and that I�m changed so much� that everyone loves me� and H will never be able to find anybody like me� who could also tolerate his antics, like I used to� Not sure that I want to tolerate his antics anymore though�

Well� a long post again� And I�m sure I missed something, LOL.

I have never posted on your thread although I have been following it and I can only admire your growth, your kindness and generosity. Boy your H is really a fool!
You seem to be in such a good place and are a great inspiration for us all.
Have a lovely weekend.

Congratulations on the condo purchase! This is a huge step for you. You've got your h wondering just what is going on w/you. First, a new car and now a condo purchase. It's going to make his head spin because this is a new you! I wouldn't worry too much about whether the condo purchased set back the progress your h has been making. This is a purchase that YOU wanted and truly it doesn't have a thing to do w/him. Right now, your h sees you are moving on and he's a bit upset by it because he had hoped that you would stay right where he left you pre-crisis. It doesn't work that way because we all grow, we change and we begin to live life again, i.e., just as you are now starting to do.

As for the lipstick present, I would let it go. You may never solve this puzzle and when you let it go, the answers will come when you least expect it.

About your trips. Of course, your h is going to text you w/all sorts of excuses. He doesn't want you to forget him and it's his way of reminding you that he's out there. Another thing, he's not happy that you are traveling, i.e., even if it's work related because he senses that you are enjoying yourself. I am going to suggest that you not respond back to his texts when you are on travel unless they are emergencies. He doesn't always respond to your texts, so it's time to start thinking of yourself just a wee bit more and putting him on "pause" while you are out having some fun. It will give him something to think about.

Again, I wouldn't worry about your recent purchase and how it impacts him. This is something that you have wanted to do for quite some time and I say BRAVO! It's time you started thinking about you and your future and what makes you happy for a change. Who knows...this just might shake him up a bit and give him something to seriously think about.

You are doing great!

Rouky, thanks for stopping by. I don�t know if I feel like I�m an inspiration, but thank you for the kind words.

Job, as always, thank you for your insights and for your support, and for cheering me up . I think you are right, my H thought I would stay where I was when he left. My friends always told me that H would be very happy to hear about my good news (read �good news about my life�). However, this time, even their comments didn�t project that at all. I do have a feeling that H is actually not that happy about my news this time. Hence, the angry comments about me not even wanting to be at the vacation home at some point and my clothes that are still in �his� closet.

As for the replying to H�s texts, most of the times I don�t do it right away anyway. It actually happens naturally, I just don�t see them right away, as I�m busy doing stuff, LOL. I don�t know if he knew that I was on the business trip (quite possible, because my mutual friends knew about it), but it did feel like he was kind of �checking in� with me. Job, you are probably right here as well, that he was just trying to make sure I didn�t forget about him, LOL. He texted me asking for some info he needed for our company which I obviously didn�t have. I replied back that I was on a business trip to X city and could only get this info to him when I get back home. He then texted back suggesting some places to see in that city I was at, hahaha.

Interesting part it that I don�t think he needed that info right away, actually he probably didn�t need it until this week, if at all (some insider info�)

BTW, he almost always responds to my texts right away. The only text that I can remember recently that he didn�t respond to was a Happy Father�s day one. I get it, job, about putting him on �pause� once in a while. Like I mentioned, it actually happens naturally. I don�t think I�m putting any intention into it any longer. It is just part of me moving on and not thinking when and what to respond to H. Feels very liberating!

I think part of H�s frustration is that he �sees� me doing things he thought I would never do and some of these he wished I would do. With him, of course� And now, I�m doing these things with other people or on my own. He told me at BD (when I was trying to bend and address all kinds of possible issues he had with me) that people never change, and I would be the same negative, nagging and unhappy person he saw in me. Guess what! I�ve changed! I re-discovered who I truly am! And I didn�t do for him (oh well, maybe at the very beginning), I did it for me. I don�t care if he comes back or not, I will still be the same person I�m today, and even better!

Have a great week, everyone!

Something just came to mind� I always wonder how some thoughts just come out of nowhere� I just realized a great irony about my and H�s text exchange when I was on my work trip, compared to our text exchange 4 years ago�

It was exactly 4 years to date when the pre-BD incident occurred. Here is the short version of my story. H was working in another state (the one he�s been working now too), he was driving to a concert to another city. I was texting him about an upcoming trip with my sister and her family to the vacation home. He was not replying to my texts. I think he did reply to one telling me that he was driving and could not text me� I can�t remember now (need to go back and read my first thread, LOL) if I was checking the phone records on our account at the that exact time to make sure my son�s usage was not exceeding the limit, or I was checking to see if my text messages were getting across to H�s phone� The point is that I saw a lot of texts exchanged with another number at the same time when H was claiming that he could not reply to my texts because he was driving.

I dialed the number and sure enough it was a woman. Needless to say that I got furious and texted H that I knew about his texting (I actually called it �sexting�, LOL), and that it was rude of him not to reply to my texts when he was texting with this other person.

So, next day, when H called me back (after the concert), he told me that this woman was just a friend and that she wanted to go to the concert with him, by could not. Then he gave me a speech. He said that he could no longer live like this (me checking on him and being jealous, blah, blah, blah�), that he was not happy for the past 2 or 3 year, etc� It was my BD day.

So, this year, on this same date, I was at the restaurant with my co-workers/friends, having fun and enjoying my time, when H started his text exchange. I replied (see my previous post), but I really didn�t want to deal with any of H�s business (just like he didn�t want to deal with mine 4 years ago), LOL. I did reply thought. When I got back home two days later, I sent H a text asking him a follow up question about that info he texted me about when I was on a business trip. And here is the interesting part that just occurred to me� He replied right away� And when I asked another question, his reply was �Driving�, and he sent another reply, actually trying to answer my questions. And� he was nice�

So� what a coincidence� He actually wanted to make sure I get his replies right away� Even when he was driving�

Hi Bright. I just wanted to stop in and say hello.

Congrats on the condo. I'm sure you'll get a lot of enjoyment out of it.

Oh, and your friend is right. Your H is a fool! You on the other hand, are an awesome lady.

Hi Bright,

Congrats on your purchase! Lucky you, I hope to do the same someday!

You are sounding grounded and solid. Sounds like your H sees it too

Thanks 2T and mleigh for stopping by. I don�t seem get much traffic on my thread lately, which is probably due to the fact that I�m not active on the board as much, even though I keep reading other threads and try to keep up with my friend�s updates here and try to post when I can.

I�ve been still very busy with work and extra projects that I agreed to take outside of my main job. It am very exhausted and can�t wait for one of the side projects to be finished. I�ve putting about 10-15 hours per week on that one. And� my social life has been insane� Lots of happy hours and parties recently� Not mentioning dealing with condo purchase processing (which is not going smoothly BTW) and the car transfer, etc.

My friends at the vacation home were in no hurry to process the car ownership transfer to their names. I waited long enough and finally lost my patience. I almost yelled at them a few days ago when they told me that I needed to mail the title for the car to start the transfer. I sent the title along with the additional car keys and other docs when the car was picked up from me by a friend and H. I lost it� How can you be so irresponsible about things like that!!? Apparently they left that plastic bag with the title inside at their office. Whew� I thought I would have to file for a title replacement, which would create additional head ache for me.

They also wanted to take a vacation and drive the car to the US next month, without finishing the transfer. They asked if I could add this car back to my insurance and they would pay me the cost. Umm� NO! This is not my car anymore! I explained to them that I can do that, but if something happens and a claim is filed against my insurance, would they be willing to pay the increased insurance difference for all other cars on the policy, including my new expensive car? They changed their mind pretty quickly and started the process, like in a hurry, LOL.

I�m going to the vacation home next week with my sister and her son. I hope that I can take the possession of my new condo, but it is not guaranteed. There is some kind of delay in the paper work processing. I told my mutual friends that I�m not paying the money before I can get the keys to the condo.

On H�s front� He went MIA for some time and kind of reverted back to more �dry� style of communication and �dropped� my name from the texts, hahaha. I am continuing to be polite for now� Apparently he�s asked the condo mortgage company to remove the escrow collection, so he could take over the annual payments to the Mexican trust for the condo. I�ve received the letter the other day stating that they would not do that. I e-mailed it to him today and let him know by the text. He is not happy.

I have these conflicting feeling about the whole thing� I have some feelings of revenge on one side, that H is struggling to get things in order, and then I feel so sorry for H and so sad about the situation he put himself into and how he destroyed all the good things for all of us� I almost felt guilty yesterday, thinking how �we� could have refinanced my (�our�) house mortgage and just pay for that condo and not have to deal with the mortgage and escrow, etc� if� we would still be a couple� And how I just did this refinance to buy my own condo� and left H in the dark to deal with the rest� I need to slap myself on the face� and remind myself that this was H�s choice� I think he knows that too, and this is probably why he went MIA.

It is very hot here. I don�t have air conditioner in the house, so I�m going shopping and then to my sister�s. Have a great weekend everyone.

hi Bright

I too give myself a slap from time to time to remind myself that this destruction was all STBXW fault and choice. It's normal. And we see how easy it would be to fix and solve ours ex's problems.. lol not our job.

I see you are doing well, congrats on condo :-)

hugsss
Irish

Hi Bright - Just want to say that I hope your condo closing is seemless!

Sounds like all is well and you are keeping super busy. Good to hear it!

Hi Bright
want to bump up your posts... thinking of you.

Irish xx

Bright - so very, very happy for you on the condo and how you are handling the twists and turns of H without letting it rain on you. Seriously major changes from your posts last year. I hope I can achieve the type of growth and grace you have shown.

I have to confess my friend I worried about you in the past. Not because you weren't smart and capable and strong but because you seemed to struggle in your posts with those tenacious threads of life in the in between.

Our situations are not the same because my H is a vanisher and avoider and has continued to create a life on MLC island with OW.He avoids our D's and continues to isolate himself from long time friends...These all seem to be obvious signs of D but yet he has never files for D and continues to friend me on FB. Very different but the confusion is still there for me and I can imagine how difficult it would be with business ties and vacation condos.

Life of the long term separated is uncharted waters. I struggle with what it means in my heart. The advantages of the practicalities of life (I.E. - insurance, taxes, etc.) are definitely a factor but sometimes I find myself having to defend my choice not to divorce and that sets me back emotionally. I think we spouses living in the land of in between are not respected and that takes it's toll over time.

Your recent posts have inspired me and comforted me and helped me feel that life in the in between can be achieved in style. So good to hear about all your are doing and how you are achieving a bright spot of paradise on your terms.

Can't wait to see what unfolds.

Hi Irish, HaWho and Gwen! Thanks so much for stopping by! Irish, thank you for bumping my thread and thinking of me . I�ve been urking on the site, but just didn�t have any energy to post my updates.

Gwen, thank you for your post. I guess I didn�t realize how different it is for me compared to a year ago. And I�ve been in this for 4 years now. I find it less difficult these days with all these ties to H, like business and vacation condo. I think I learnt how to take care of me first and do what is best for me. So, I�m using whatever advantages I can get from this whole situation. I doing it on my own terms too, since H is not doing anything to separate things or file for D.

Yes, your situation is a little different because there is an OW. And I can understand the confusion about your H�s action or inaction. But, you don�t have to defend your choices. It was H�s decision to abandon the family and the fact that he is not filing for D doesn�t put an obligation on you to do it. I still feel that my H needs to do this step, to file for D, if he has some guts, LOL� Apparently he doesn�t. I�m ok with this right now. At the same time I feel that I�m getting closer to the point when I can do it myself and actually feel good about it!

Gwen, you are a very strong person. You are also a great Mother to your girls. You should not feel disrespected because you live in a limbo land and not willing to file for D yourself. If that subject comes out, I tell people that it was H�s decision to end the M and he needs to file for D, because I don�t want to do his dirty work for him. If time comes when I need to be officially divorced, I will do it myself. Meantime, I�m enjoying my life without too much trouble. Thanks to H, that he has been pretty reasonable� He is also trying to make the contact with my son and his GF, after being MIA for a couple of years after the BD. So, I think your H will also start to come around and make some contact with his Ds. Speaking about more confusion for everyone� I think that you will be able to handle it though.

Gwen, I�m glad that my updates inspired you. I don�t think that I�m doing anything special though. I�m just trying to love my life, move along and make sense of what happened between me and H. More I think about it, more I�m convinced that he�s been going through a MLC. And there is nothing I can do about it, except to be understanding and compassionate, as much as possible.

I will do some updates in the next post, so not to make this too long.

OK, some updates, I hope not too long� I went to the vacation home with my sister and her son and we had a great time. My Mexican GF�s family was visiting, so we were invited to the parties. Speaking about that �Mexican time�, LOL� There was nothing on schedule� ever� we just had to go with the flow� On one of the nights we were invited for a Posole soup� Well, it was ready at about 9:30� I and my sister were totally fine with it. My nephew was anxious, hahaha!

Unfortunately, I didn�t get the possession of my new condo� There is some delay with the paper work from the seller. I kind of expected it� Well� it is Mexico� lots of bureaucracy and weird laws� I�m a bit annoyed with my mutual friends because of that though. But, what can I do� I have to wait a bit longer.

Some GAL updates besides the trip to the vacation home, if I can remember everything, LOL. A couple of happy hours with people from work. Then I flew to the city where my other friends live, who also have a house at the vacation home place, and where my mutual friends were visiting. It was this past weekend. There were also a lot of people I know who normally come to visit to the vacation home place and some relatives of my mutual friends who came from another country. We had a lot of fun! And also, my mutual friends and I did all the necessary paper work to register my old car to their names. Whew!!! What a relief, finally!

On H�s front� While I was at the vacation home, he was trying to contact me (call, text) on my phone, which was off, because it doesn�t have coverage in Mexico. I had my work phone, but obviously he didn�t know that. So, he called our male friend, and he came over to the condo to tell me that H needed something from me. What H needed was the website for online mortgage payment for the condo. Right! He waited until the last day of the month to do that. I gave him the website and all the info. He even called me (I turned my phone on to text him) to ask a security question the website was requiring.

Then, one day before my trip last weekend he texted me in a very nice manner asking me if I could find a car rental deal for him� Because he could not find a good price, and I was always the one to do the �Magic�, LOL. He was going to the East coast for the weekend. I replied �Sure, I can see what I can do�. I ended up reserving a car rental for him� After some nicest texts exchange, hahaha. I kind of jokingly asked him what kind of �fun� was going on in that place� He didn�t reply to that. Oh well� There must be something comforting to him in asking me to help him with the rental, but not telling me all the details of the trip. I�m just curious, if I�m still that evil person in his life and the cause of his unhappiness, would he pay a little bit more money for the rental, instead of �dealing� with me? I�m sure there is an explanation to that� But� I just don�t put too much thought into it anymore. I did a favor for him, because I could� and I felt like it (I do it for my other friends too sometimes), and I just put it aside as nothing special.

I have lots of house work to do this weekend. That� where I�m missing H� We were always a great team in doing all that house stuff. Oh well� I can do it! Or hire somebody� Which is kind of tough right now, since I invested all the money in the new condo.

Wow, I will have to check out your other posts. You switch sounds a bit like me just starting out. I hope I can become more like you seem now. Way to go!!!

I'm late to the party Bright, but congrats on the condo purchase. That is awesome

And I agree with Gwen, you sound great. Nothing like a little fun and it sounds like you have been enjoying yourself as of late.

Keep going.

Aw Bright - Thanks for the comforting words. It helps to have a friend that understands this life in the land of in between. You just keep shining on!

Thanks for visiting my thread, Bright! It was so nice to hear from you. I was just thinking back on the years we've been going through this together, and the changes in our respective husbands. Which are zero, none, zilch, right? LOL

Yours reminds me so much of my ex. They do not want us, yet cannot completely let go, and are so dependent on us in many ways. Mine still is, even though he has married his OW, so strange huh!

I hope you are feeling well, and that your business is going well. Congratulations on your new home!

Hey, Georgiabelle, thanks for stopping by and for the words of encouragement.

Thanks, Gwen! I will keep shining on!

Linda, it�s great to �see� you here! I rarely venture to other forums lately, but something brought me to Surviving The Bid D. And there you were! It is so bizarre that your xh keeps texting and e-mailing you while M to RT, and they even stopped by your house. You are right, there seems to be no changes in him, except he wants to keep you closer.

I actually do see some changes in my H, just not sure if they are real. I think he doesn�t actually need me to take care of this, as he seems to be very capable of doing thing on his own. It seems to me that he wants me to take care of things as a way to do a temperature check and make sure I�m still here. He is also very proactive on the things I ask him to do.

He re-appeared a few weeks after asking me about the car rental. He asked me to check the PO box for the business check (one of his Invoices) and he informed me that he shipped a battery for the leaf blower (that he has at the condo) to my address. I politely replied that I would keep an eye on both.

At about the same time I sent him an e-mail with a few things: notified him that I paid that Toll way bill that came to my house, so he could record it in the company books, sent him a letter regarding the business from the State inquiring about some info about the business, and asking to cancel the second set of credit cards that were sent for Costco account. At the end, I told him that I was going to the Vacation home for Labor Day weekend and asked him if there was any issue with that. I also sent him a text letting him know that I sent an e-mail (sometimes he doesn�t download his e-mails for days.) I was amazed at how fast he responded, LOL. I think it was same day, or maybe next, can�t remember now. He took care of all the things, asked me if there was anything else that needed to be taken care of, thanked me for paying the toll road bill and told me that there was no problem with me staying at the condo.

Then there were a few more text exchanges after that, following up on all that �business�. And then again, a question about the Condo mortgage website. He told me that it was not working, and I had to send him a correct link (that mortgage company is so unreliable�)

I also sent him a text asking him to confirm his address where I needed to mail some �important� mail to him. I was waiting for him to ask me what kind of �important� mail and was ready with the answer: �Jury Duty letter and a Playboy�, hahaha. He didn�t ask� Darn it�

I did go to the vacation home for Labor Day weekend and I got the keys to my condo! I signed an agreement with a rental company, so my condo is now in a rental pool. I also had my neighbors from here staying at my condo and they liked it! I blocked the dates when I think I will need to stay in my new condo, since I figured H will be in our other condo. Now I will always have a place to stay over there whether H is there or not. My mutual friends over there have been helping me a lot with whatever needs to be done for the new condo. This is where all this ordeal with my old car that sold to then for half a price has been really paying off. They are great friends!

The things are looking up for me!

I have a feeling, just like mleigh mentioned in her post about her H, that my H is actually jealous that I�ve been moving on with my life quite nicely and getting things I want. Maybe �jealous� is not a right word in this case, but I can�t think of how to call this. H has not congratulated me or even acknowledged me on my new car and the condo purchase, even though the topic about the car came up in the text exchange when I informed him that I canceled my old XM radio because I have a built-in radio in my new car. This is so not like him. I always thought that he would express a genuine happiness about things like that. He would congratulate anybody else. According to my mutual male friend, H is a very nice guy and is always happy for someone�s success. I guess my mutual friends would be scratching his head about this, just like about the lipstick, LOL.

So, this is kind of a new territory for me, with my new condo. It was so scary at some point to take that risk, when I have nobody else, but myself, to rely on. But, I think I made the right decision. I was worried that people, and especially people at the vacation home would judge me for setting up things this way � when I would still stay at our joint condo and rent out my condo. I already said that I will share the profits on the rental with H on these days. I think everyone is taking it good for now. Even my mutual male friend stopped insisting that I need to keep all stuff from our joint condo in my new condo now. I think things are settling down. And even that crazy woman from the vacation home, H�s �best� friends was not in my face recently. I think she lost an interest, because I don�t feed any drama she was probably hopping for. Even my mutual female friend told me that there is some kind of tension in that friendship between my H and that crowd. Oh well, I kind of predicted that it would happen at some point, after all the excitement wears off. She is not exactly an OW, but I guess there is similar kind of addiction.

Oh year! Forgot to mention that I did a lot of minor �repairs� in my house. I ordered and replaced broken magnets on the wood shatters, broken stopper on a sliding window, painted the dish washer racks with new enamel to cover the rust, took care of some yard work, etc. I am very proud of myself, LOL!

OK, I guess I�m going to get much response on my posts, LOL.

Maybe I can get some advice on my dog. Kml, if you are reading this, please let me know your thoughts. My black lab has been having some issues. I pulled a bunch of ticks from him in the last 3 weeks. We don�t have a flea problem this year, but we have a tick problem� I�ve read about ticks on dogs and this what I think is happening� My dog has some problems from the tick bites� He gets disoriented and loses his balance. From what I read on the Internet about the ticks is that can cause the bacteria and an inflammation of an inner ear in dogs, which causes then to lose their balance. My dog is all of a sudden is afraid to go on the tile floor. He also shakes his head as there is something in his ear. I do check him twice a day. I pulled two ticks off him today. I have an appointment with my holistic veterinarian about two weeks from now (as she is out of town), so I just need to keep my dog checked until then. I have some essential oils that I was recommended, but I would not be against giving him some antibiotics at this point. Sorry� This is not supposed to be about my dog� But� maybe I can get some ideas here�

Kml?

Bright,

Things are looking up for you. I'm glad to read that your h is continuing to respond to your messages. I'm also glad to read that the condo keys are now in your hands and you've set it up as a rental. It won't take long before it will be paid off and it will be yours free and clear. I also like the idea of blocking out dates for when you want to spend time there.

Congratulations on the home repairs! Doesn't it make you feel good when you accomplish those DIYs yourself?

I'm sorry to read about your dog. Do use a flea/tick repellant on him? Even though my cat doesn't go outside, I use Frontline on him from spring to fall. It's quite good and you only put the stuff on the back of his neck where he can't reach it and it does work. BTW, how old is your dog?

Job, thanks for encouraging words. Yes, it feels good to be able to do some repairs in the house, especially after those were H's responsibilities for a long time.

My dog is 6. I don't use any regular flea/tick products on him. They have harsh chemicals in them, like pesticides. Last time when I used this stuff was a few years ago, I put it on my previous dog and it was right before he was diagnosed with cancer.

I have an organic repellent that I spray on my dog when we go for our walks. But I didn't start spraying it until I found a few ticks. So, now it is a routine.

How awful Bright. I hope your old dog getting cancer (so sorry) was a coincidence, cause my son always wanted a dog so after my ex left, we got an older rescue dog and use that same tick and flea stuff Job uses on her cat, that you put on the back of their necks. They cannot lick it off. I hope neither of our dogs or Job's cat gets cancer. That's really scary.

Anyway Bright, ticks do carry diseases both people and dogs can get. Like Lymes disease, that is can really strike any body system and can cause arthritis and headaches and confusion. Your poor dog. Maybe it needs dog antibiotics. Does a holistic veterinarian prescribe antibiotics if needed?

Bright,

I have used the product I mentioned for a very long time and my cats have been fine. However, I do understand why you would be cautious about using it after your older dog was diagnosed w/cancer.

I would definitely try something else on him. He's young to be acting like he's got dementia.

Linda and job, thanks for stopping by.

Linda, yes, the holistic vet would prescribe the antibiotics if needed. She would follow up with the holistic drops for detox as well. I know some people don�t believe in this, and I was one of them before my last dog died of cancer. I�ve read so much stuff about cancer in dogs after that�

Job, I�m not going to try to talk you out of using the conventional topical treatments on your cat, it is your choice, even though I feel so bad for animals who have no say on what is put on them.

I choose to limit any expose to the chemicals for myself and my dog. When you read the labels on all of these flea and tick topical medications, they all warn you to use the gloves when applying the medication and wash your hands with lots of water if you get any of that product on you. So, this is not good for you, but� how is it ok to put it on your pet. These are pesticides and they penetrate into the body from the skin, they get into the liver and other organs� Yes, they kill all these pesky creatures� but they also weaken the immune system of the dog or a cat at the very least. OK, I�m not going to go any further on this�

I have an appointment with the vet next Monday (she is out of town until then), and hopefully she can find a good treatment for my dog. He is doing ok for now. Except I would like to remove these extra area rugs that I had to put on my tile floor in the kitchen, dining area and the entry way. It is funny and sad at the same time to watch my dog navigating from one rug to another, to avoid the tile, so much like in one of these computer games, jumping from one obstacle to another.

I think what the vet is going to do is give me one of these holistic drops as well. She always says that the pets can sense what is going on in the lives of their owners, so she treats owners as well, LOL. I�ve been under a lot of stress lately. I have some unusual pains and strange feelings in my body. The stress is mostly work related and also about the new condo that I bought. I�m very excited about it, but also scarred� I have no partner to back me up in case if something goes wrong... I�m on my own� I know that I can handle anything� I just need some rest and �do nothing� time. I�m getting there�

Bright, I'm so impressed. It really is scary to take on things like new cars and condos when you are on your own and don't have anyone to fall back on. Congrats to you. You should feel really proud of yourself for tackling life and making it what you want.

Same goes for the household maintenance. I can remember how excited I was for "fixing" the Internet at my place without having to call someone. Girl power! We got this.

I hope your dog heals and gets back to his usual self . Keep us posted.

{{{HUGS}}}
2T

Well, I'm not a vet so take my advice with a grain of salt but:

In humans there's a phenomenon called tick paralysis, and apparently it can also happen in dogs. It is due to a nerve toxin in certain ticks and the treatment is removing ALL the ticks and supportive care until the toxin wears off. Maybe this is what is happening? Google tick paralysis in dogs.

I was thinking you should get him checked for Lyme ...

Kml, bttrfly, thanks for the advice.

Kml. this is what I also thought, the tick paralysis. I haven�t found any new ticks on him for a couple of weeks now, so I though his condition would be improving. And then the other day, he seemed to get worse. He almost fall down from the hill at the park, and I was worried that he would break his legs or something. So, I googled this again, and came across of another tick related illness, the encephalitis. I think it might be it. My dog exhibits only a couple of the conditions and they are in a mild form. I started giving him some antibiotics, just in case.

Bttrfly, I will ask the vet about the Lyme disease as well. It not likely, as we are on the West coast, but who knows.

So, the vet appointment it tomorrow. I hope she can figure out what�s wrong my dog. I will do what it takes to get him better. He is my buddy and a companion! The good thing is that I purchased a pet insurance offered at my work last year, so I hope it will cover most of the stuff. I�m sure my vet will want to run some blood tests, etc., which can be expensive.

OK, enough about my dog. An update is coming in my next post.

So, here are some updates� First of all, I think I was wrong about H and that crazy woman friend at the vacation home. There are some indications that this friendship is still going on somewhat strong. Doesn�t matter to me, as long as she doesn�t intervene in my business, and this seems to be the case at the moment, so I�m good.

As for H� His b-day gift for me kind of thrown me of the track� And I�m straggling to get back on it. I remember that before my B-day I was so determined to start closing that chapter of my life with H, and I was feeling somewhat peaceful about that. Then this lipstick gift came in� And no matter how hard I try not to make anything of it, it seems to derail my process of moving on. Don�t get me wrong here. I�m doing what I need to be doing in my life for me. It is just I�m getting drawn back to my �previous� life with H. It�s like I now see H in a good light, just as he used to be before this disaster MLC. I don�t see anything bad in him. I see the person who didn�t know how to deal with life, who made mistakes, who didn�t really mean to hurt me, etc� Is that insane? What is wrong with me?

And the latest thing� I was looking at my company account trying to figure out if all of my invoices have been paid. I was checking the bank account, since I don�t have the most recent company file from H. I saw the transaction that looked like he paid himself. It was on Friday. There was no e-mail or text from him, which was unusual. He would not normally let me know, because I would need to pay taxes. So, I waited until today, and there was still nothing from H. I texted him and asked for the recent company file, because I need to cut a check for myself as well. He replied right away that he paid himself and he tried to send a file, but it would not go through. I asked when he paid himself and he said it was on Friday. I then texted him that in this case the state taxes need to be paid on Monday (tomorrow) or Tuesday.

I got crickets in response� So, I was thinking that he is deep back into the tunnel� being irresponsible again� and that I need to figure out the way how to handle this� A couple of hours later, my phone rings� The first though that came to my mind was that it was H� (what are the odds , last time he called me� I can�t even remember when�) And� it was H!.. telling me that he was trying to send this file again and got the size limitation error. So� he didn�t just drop the matter� He called me on Sunday! When I would expect him to be parting with his friends� watching the football�

So, to cut this short, we talked� about how to send the file and some other options� I took him through the steps that I thought would fix the issue (I�m a computer nerd sometimes, ya know�LOL�). We were on the phone like three times, while trying to figure out the solution. And, at the end he was still not able to send me the file.

This was so surreal� to talk to him on the phone� and talk about some issues� and like nothing happened� I�m so confused now� It�s like these 4 years after BD, separating us� were nothing� Out conversation was just like old times, when I would help him with the computer issues� (he did say that it was a usual matter about him and computers, as the file worked for me, but not him, Lol.) He did sound a bit nervous... I was not, I was just me� Did anyone had this experience, like the time stood still� I think I mentioned this feeling of a waking up to a �Groundhog� day again ever morning, just like in the movie, �I got you Babe�.) I thought this feeling was gone for some time, and I was moving along with my life quite nicely. And then this�

I�m just trying to figure out what all these feelings mean to me. Am I delusional? I certainly don�t want to be in this for 12 years (like in the story bttrfly mentioned on her thread), but� Do I need to give it some more time??? Or, do I need to just cut everything off? Obviously, H is not doing it. I�m curious to see if this company business ends up to be more of a hustle. Again, my logical brain tells me that if a person is unhappy and doesn�t want to do anything with his/her former life, he would separate everything and not rely on other person (former spouse) for anything. I might be asking a rhetorical question here, once again, but why in the world would H still want to do business with me. How much easier it would be to have his own company and not needing to go through this hustle to exchange the files� take care of the joint credit cards� car insurance� etc� I�m pretty sure that at this point he is very much capable of handling this stuff on his own, or with the help of his friends.

I might be getting 2x4s here about how I need to just separate everything we have in common� Just like all my friends and relatives like to tell me every chance they get� I don�t know� I would appreciate some opinions here� I know that I�m not the best writer� and I don�t express my feelings and thoughts like other people can. I do my best� Thanks for listening�

Bright,

You'll not get any 2x4s from me today. It's not at all unusual for them to act normal when you speak to them. He's been a slow one during his crisis and he could very well have been having some "clarity" moments when you spoke to him. If he sounded nervous, then maybe he really didn't want to tell you everything that is going on or he could have been alert that you may have discovered something about him. No one can tell us what is going on w/them because their emotions rule their thinking and that thinking changes on a dime and gives you a penny back in most cases.

As for the file issue, he may not be able to comprehend all of the steps at this time. His brain is still a bit scrambled and anything more than a couple of steps in instructions are about all he can handle. Their attention span is that of a gnat, i.e., extremely short. Here's what I would suggest...type up a step by step instruction sheet on how to download and send the file to you. That way, he can refer back to it as he completes the task. Trying to talk him through it...well, let's just say...he won't get it too well.

Of course, those old feelings come to the surface, especially when you are actually having a conversation w/him and he acts like nothing ever happened. Remember, he's in crisis and when they are having clarity, this is the way that they are. No, you aren't delusional by any means. What you experienced is very normal and when you do have interactions w/them when the are like this, it does make you sit down and think about it.

Bright, it's okay to have these feelings. That's why it's called the rollercoaster ride. You are the only one that can determine what is right for you and how long you want to wait for him to wake up. Don't be afraid to come here and voice your thoughts and concerns. What you experienced is very normal.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

It�s like I now see H in a good light, just as he used to be before this disaster MLC. I don�t see anything bad in him. I see the person who didn�t know how to deal with life, who made mistakes, who didn�t really mean to hurt me, etc� Is that insane? What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you, Bright! You knew H really was a good partner all those years and that history hasn't changed. He is going through a really tough period right now. The vets tell us that it's not about us or the marriage, it's about them. And we can't fix 'em. (darn it all)

Quote:

I�m just trying to figure out what all these feelings mean to me. Am I delusional? I certainly don�t want to be in this for 12 years (like in the story bttrfly mentioned on her thread), but� Do I need to give it some more time??? Or, do I need to just cut everything off?

If you're getting itchy you owe it to him and your marriage to start letting him know. Dropping hints and truth darts. He needs to understand this is getting serious. Don't wait until you're triple done and drop your own bomb. Give him a chance to realize he's about to lose you.

Job, thanks for not giving me 2x4s . You are right, there is no way to tell what is going on with them, especially when there is a limited contact, mostly by texts and e-mails. One thing I know is that he is trying to be nice in order to maintain the contact, he is not ready to separate things, and especially the business. I thought about separating the business multiple times during these years. I think it is possible as long as someone has a strong desire to do it. He could have found another partner (like his favorite crazy woman, LOL), but I guess something is stopping him from doing it.

The �file� story ended up with me signing up to one of these file transfer sites and he was able to send the file to me. We exchanged a few texts over it� him, asking me to confirm that I received the file, me confirming it, and him thanking me for figuring the whole think out, hahaha�

Job, I actually think that he has more clarity these days, and sometimes I feel that he has more clarity than me� There is no action though� except for maintaining the contact and joint �stuff�� As for me, I was going thought another round of grief. Much shorter and easier this time, for sure.

FY, thanks for stopping by! You are my biggest cheerleader! Here is what I read recently on some website about going through the grief process: �As you work through your emotions, hang onto the love and the positive memories. Eventually it is the love you shared, and holding onto those memories, that will be the healing balm for your heart. Allow the negative emotions to move through you, but hang onto the positive memories and the love.� And this: �Healing your heart doesn�t mean that you will forget your loved one, or that the love you shared is over. This love is yours forever. Love cannot be lost.� This seems to be exactly what is happening to me. I don�t have anger against H anymore, and I feel sorry for what he has to go through. I wish I could help� But, I realize that he has to do it on his own.

FY, I don�t know how to give H the hints anymore that I already do� I keep moving on with my life. I�m sure he already knows that I do what I think is good for me. Yes, in some ways it benefits him (like keeping our business together), because he knows that I would take care of things. He is a very stubborn man, so it will probably take some drastic changes to shake him off out of his funk. And these drastic changes will probably come at the time when I would be completely �triple� done, like you said. I would take your advice on the truth darts though. I just need to remember to take any opportunity to do that, when I communicate with him. The truth is that I just don�t give a d@mn most of the times, or too tired�

Anyway, some updates on my dog and me� Took my dog to the vet and she did diagnosed the tick induced encephalitis. She prescribed some heavy antibiotics and also some holistic meds, as I expected. They also did two rounds of fluids/ozone treatment. It cost me a lot of money. Good thing I have pet insurance that I purchased through work last year, so I�m expecting it to cover for some of the expenses. He is getting better, but still has some anxiety on the tile and wooden floors.

As for me, I feel like I�m on a rollercoaster again� Work has been insanely busy and stressful recently� Stuff at home� happens at the most inconvenient times� Like a sick dog that I had to take to the vet twice last week� taking time off work� meantime doing the meetings over the phone, with the dog in the back seat, ear phones in my ears, and looking at my other phone for directions to get out of the new area where my vet moved her office to. Then my garage door got stuck and would not open the other day, when I was trying to get to the office for the meeting where I had to present� I figured out how to open that darn door manually, but it was quite an effort, as it was very heavy to lift. I had to ask for the meeting to be postponed by 30 min... and I was still late by a few minutes� This is where the thoughts about having someone in my life who could help with stuff like that came back again� And I missed H� I missed out old times when I could count on him, and when we were a team, dealing with any issues together... Oh well� I have to count on myself for now...

The GAL updates� It has been insane� I think I need to start saying �No� to some activities� Can�t remember beyond last Saturday, but here is the gist� Last Saturday � usual dinner at my sister�s, Sunday � dinner at my friends� house, who just moved to my city from Bay area (friends who also have a house at the vacation home), Monday, Tuesday � happy hours with people from work for different reasons, Wednesday � company event at the bowling� Tomorrow � Wine and Snack cruise at the harbor with a few people from work for a b-day of one of them. I feel like I need a break from GAL, LOL.

Have a great weekend, everyone! I do read the posts and try to keep up with everyone as much as I can.

Bright,
I'm so glad you found out what is going on w/your dog. Poor baby! Hopefully he will be on the mend soon. Thanks goodness for pet insurance!

I'm sorry you've had a lot on your plate. Did you ever figure out why your garage door was acting up? Have you tried it since the episode?

Gosh, you've been burning the candle a lot lately. Yeah, you may need to say "no" to some activities, i.e., just so that you can rest and recharge your battery a bit. There is no harm in carving out some "me" time to just chill. People will understand.

Enjoy your weekend and I do hope that your dog is on the mend soon.

Hi Bright (((hugs)))
Hope your dog has a speedy recovery :-)

As for you back on the roller coster.. I think it's very easy to get back on to when they show some normalcy. My XW's texts to me are pre-BD like. It pulls at my heart because that is the person I loved. Spins in my brain then I stop and come to the conclusion she is still very much gone. No remorse , no apologies , no care for the girls.

I think you are doing great.

Irish

Job, thanks for the kind words. My dog has been on antibiotics for two weeks. We actually just finished the last pills tonight. It funny how he had no problems eating these pills with his food for almost two weeks, and then a couple of days ago he started leaving the pills in his bowl, clean and intact, while all other food was gone. I believe that this is a clear indication that he was done with them. I think he started having stomach problems, so he didn�t want to ingest any more antibiotics. The good thing, we are done with the pills. He still shows the signs of disorientation, but I hope he will improve soon. I�m still waiting for the Insurance to pay at least some portion of the bills.

The garage door� There is a broken spring� So, I have a repair guy coming over tomorrow. I already got a quote and it seems very reasonable, even though it is another expense that I don�t really need right now.

Irish, thanks for the hugs! I feel like I really need some right now, even the virtual once. It seems like your xw still has long way to go. Yes, it is totally confusing when they show signs of the normalcy, like their old selves�

And speaking about the rollercoaster� Got a text from H about an hour ago, telling me that he is at his brother�s (my BIL who loves in the same neighborhood)� The time of his text was past 9 pm. He told me that he is wondering if there is any �important� (LOL) mail for him and if I can live it for him tomorrow morning, in a bag or something�. So� after half an hour (stewing about the fact that he wants everything at the last moment and I didn�t have energy or desire to deal with it after 9 pm), I replied with lengthy text� don�t have any energy to post the details right now� I asked him what time he wanted to pick up the mail, and that I might be working from home for a couple of reasons� Actually he gave me a valid excuse to work from home (besides the garage door service that will be coming over late afternoon)� I thought I would go to the office in the morning, but now I think I need to stay home� as it is too much stress for me deal with, LOL�

Haven�t received any reply yet� I have some strange feelings� Part of me doesn�t want to even see him or make any arrangements to accommodate him (then I remember that I still want to stay in our joint condo, so I bite my lips�), and part of me is curious� I�ve been processing my emotions recently, and I keep coming to the conclusion that I need to completely separate myself from anything that still ties me to H. I�m still not sure how to do all of it. But, I think I�m getting there� slowly� I think H already realizes that he made a mistake, but he would not admit it even to himself� And I am getting very impatient with the whole process. I�m thinking more and more these days that I just need to cut it off and move on with my life� We will see what happens tomorrow� I�m looking for a confirmation of my feelings that there is nothing to expect in regards to H making any moves and the he is just using me as a reliable source of �taking care of stuff for him��

Update� hopefully short� Apparently H didn�t receive my text last night (as I found out later.) I texted him this morning and asked about my text and he said that he didn�t get it. I asked if still wanted to come over to pick up his mail. He said yes, that he was in a hurry and could come over in 10 min.

So, he came� He drove his car� I didn�t see anybody in there, but I�m pretty sure someone is going to take it back to the vacation home for him. I had a cleaning lady in the house and she removed all the rugs from the floor. H asked if it was ok for him to come in in his shoes, and I said yes, the floor was not mopped yet.

Here are some observations:
- He went straight to the kitchen and to the table, looking for his mail. I guess he still remembers where I collect his mail (in a basket on the kitchen table)
- He was wearing his usual work shoes (pre BD), and not the flip-flops that he switched to about the time of BD
- He petted the dog
- He felt a bit uncomfortable
- He was in a hurry (like he said he would be), so there was no conversation
- He thanked me for the mail
- He could have chosen not to come for the mail and ask me to mail it to him, but he came to the house
- He did ask about the absentee ballot (which has not arrived yet).

Me:
- I didn�t even take a good look at him, except for noticing the shoes (I guess this is what universe wanted me to see, hehe)
- I didn�t feel any anxiety when he came
- But, I did feel like I was drained after he left� I felt disappointed� I guess I had some expectations� These pesky expectations� And I cannot even tell what exactly these expectations were� Any movement one way or another???

I guess I asked this question many times before, but I�m still not sure I understand it all the way. It�s been 4 years since BD and probably 6 years since H�s MLC started. Sometimes I see that there is some progress in terms of moving to the next stage� And sometimes it is just feels like it starts all over again. He was starting to get closer to his family and my son� And now, being in town this time, he didn�t even contact my son (I know that for sure because my son came for dinner tonight and I asked him if he�s heard from H and he said no.)

The good thing is that I was able to recover from all these feelings pretty nicely. I worked from home today, I took a little nap in the afternoon, and the guy came to fix my garage door, so it is working again!

Hi Bright, I do read along, but don't always post. I'm always pleased to read about your GAL...though (like me) there are times where we need to withdraw a little and get some recovery time!

As for your H - well yes it has been a long time and it does sound as though he is still baking - maybe the oven temp was too low??

My main concern for you in your sitch is the degree to which you maintain links with your H and do things for him. Given the length of time that has passed, I would think it's perfectly reasonable to begin to sever some of those ties. I always think the main question to ask is - does this work for me? Does it work for you that his mail trickles in and builds up and you know you'll need to be in touch to hand it over? Would you fear that bringing some of these things to an end may signal closing the door?

Of course it is your life and always up to you. I'm just putting it out there...and it is within the context of me thinking you are generally doing so well and getting on with your life regardless of him - so kudos to you!

Xx

Hi Bright,

I feel like we are in a similar place at this moment. Just when you feel like they are starting to open up and re enter the world they start to pull back.

In my situation there was give and take in conversations and time together. Over the last couple weeks I have felt a pulling away again. It is dis heartening as just when you feel like you have turned a corner you suddenly feel like you are slipping back in.

I have decided to pull back myself at this point and see what happens. Pull myself back out of it a bit and give her more time to bake.

I do start to wonder how long it will take. It feels like I have been at this a long time like you. I wonder if she will ever be a person that I want to be with day in and day out again.I sit here and wonder if I should continue or just move on myself and follow a different path.

At this point it is in both our control over what path we choose. I am trying to give myself the time and space to see where my heart leads. I am sure you will do the same.

Sotto, thank you for your post and for our concern. Yes, I do ask myself more and more these days, if it I need to cut all the remaining ties to truly move on with my life. You are right pointing out that �the oven temp� is very low, hahaha. Job also mentioned it multiple times that my H is a very slow MLCer. Maybe because he just didn�t have it hard enough� He didn�t hit the rock bottom� His life is not what it used to be with me, but I think it better than what it used to be when he was a teenager, freshly out of his broken �family� house (he lived with his Mother after his parent�s divorce.)
And, yes, I constantly ask myself, if this works for me. I might be delusional (like some of my friends think), but most of the times I do think that it works for me. I don�t know. I�m not a very good at expressing my thoughts, like other people here. I might be conveying something that I don�t intent to� Like, every time I mention H�s mail, people think that I�m so upset with it, and they suggest to do something about it, to cut it� to tell him to find another source� etc� And, most of the times, I�m just constituting the facts� no more. Yes, I do wonder what is on his mind� when he is still relying on me for his mail� But, as far as I�m concerned, I can always tell him to find some other arrangements� Sotto, to answer your question about this mail thing� yes, I think if I cut this off, I will be closing the door� Which, I think is already more than half way shut anyway� I am trying to work on shutting it all the way up� I just feel something is still holding me from it� I need to figure out what it is� that is holding me�

Life Twists, great to see you here! I don�t know if I missed your updates, but I would like to see some! I hear you about wondering how long this thing lasts. You�ve been at this for a long time too (only about 6 months less than me, LOL), and you are right, it is very frustrating to see them come closer and then pull away again. Yes, I�m also trying to give myself time and space� But� I�m also trying to find the ways to cut it loose. Apparently, I�m not as courageous as other people are. And H is not doing anything to end it, which would probably be devastating for me at first, but then it would be all done� How do I find a courage and energy to do it myself? I think at this point I would be ok with him initiating a D process, I would go along and do whatever is necessary to bring this to an end and protect myself at the same time.

Sometimes I want to do something very drastic to provoke H to start the D process. But� for some reason I just cannot bring myself to initiate this on my own. I know, my friends would call me a weak person�

Bright, I think it's less about weakness and more about readiness, and we all get to where we want to be in our own time & way....😊xx

I ditto Sotto, who always has the right words!

You articulate your thoughts very well, by the way. Thanks for sharing; it's nice to hear how you're doing.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

I�m also trying to find the ways to cut it loose. Apparently, I�m not as courageous as other people are. And H is not doing anything to end it, which would probably be devastating for me at first, but then it would be all done� How do I find a courage and energy to do it myself? I think at this point I would be ok with him initiating a D process, I would go along and do whatever is necessary to bring this to an end and protect myself at the same time.

Sometimes I want to do something very drastic to provoke H to start the D process. But� for some reason I just cannot bring myself to initiate this on my own. I know, my friends would call me a weak person�

I certainly wouldn't call you a weak person, Bright. Anyone who has made it as far as you have has to be plenty strong!

It seems H is quite content with the status quo. I'm guessing you could do or say just about anything and he's not going anywhere. This is why I wanted you to try flirting with him back when he sent you the lipstick case.

Maybe it's time to try something new. Rock the boat a bit just to see what happens. What's he gonna do?

Thanks Sotto, HaWho, FY for your thoughts. Speaking about time and readiness... I need some advice... And encouragement.

Need some advice now, if anybody is reading� As I expected that ar some point the conversation about my new condo at the vacation home and me starying at our joint condo would come up�
Today I sent H his absentee ballot (as he asked me to). I texted him that I sent it. He thanked me. And they I asked the question again about if he is planning to be at the vacation home on certain dates next month (since he didn�t asnswer to this question in my e-mail.) He told me the dates, I thanked him and told that I�m planning to be there when he is not. He came back with the questions �Don�t you have you won condo now? I thought you bough one.�
My reply: �Yes, I bought a condo. It is not quite ready yet, and it is also in rentals for now.� (the meaning of �not ready� is that I don�t have everything set up for my own confort and liking there yet.)
He texted back: �Oh, ok. Was not copletely built or just needs some decorating?�

So, I think he is trying to start a converstaion on this� He know well that the condo is finished and furnished and has been rented. He mgiht or might not know that I was going to put in the rental pool, but he absolutely knows (from my mutual friends) that it was my intent to do it, and that I also wanted to still use our joint condo.

Not sure where is going with this. Whether he really wants me out of that condo, or he feels he needs to address the gossip over there, or he is doing a remp check (this one is very unlikely in my opinion)�

I was kind of preparing for this converstaion at some point, I�m nor ready to discuss it right now (too much stuff to deal with.) I�m debating myself how I should reply to him:
- Through the truth darts and tell him that he needs to deal with the state of affairs first (aka file for D or separation of assets) and then we can talk about me moving out my stuff out of the condo and not using it� after my name is off the mortgage and I�m not responsible for it. This would most likely alienate him.
- Play the same game he is playing, like pretending that I�m not quite understanding what is the issue here and avoid the direct conversation, just keep coming up with excuses why I cannot stay in my new condo.
- Or, completely ignore his last text� Like he used to do right after BD, when I would ask him a direct question and he would not answer at all, I guess because it was uncomfortable�
The bottom line is that I want to avoid the confrontation and still continue to use the joint condo, as I planned. It is convenient for me for now. This could be one of my answers to him. It is just convenient for me, period. I don�t need to give any other explanations. But, it might open a can of worms with the follow up conversation. If he would press, I would tell him that so far he�s been doing what�s convenient for him. Does he want me to just quietly disappear out of his life, without giving him any troubles and without doing any work and having any consequences? Maybe this is what is needed� and something I was talking about in my previous post�

I just don�t feel like I want to deal with this right now. I�m actually thinking to take a couple of days off and go to the vacation home this weekend, because I need to recharge so badly. I�m beyond exhausted. I�m also afraid that if I start throwing the truth darts, I will not be able to keep my mouth shut and make the smart moves. I need to sort my thoughts out.

I welcome any advice and 2x4 as well. I haven�t replied to his last text yet.

Bright - I am no vet, but I'll give you my 2 cents and you can do what you want with it.

Rather than worrying what HE is up to (which you can't really know anyway), my advice? Try to take a little time and figure out what you want to accomplish in this conversation with him.

To me, what you should do depends on your goal. I think you have to figure out whether you want him to know you are there and the door is still open, the door is closing or the door has closed. If you are still unsure, then act as if so as not to disrupt anything.

Thinking of you...

FY, read you post again after I came home� All text exchange with H was while I was still at work. And it already intense and stressful enough, that I lost my mind for a minute, LOL. I think by buying the condo I pretty much put H in a difficult position, so I think it would do no good in terms of flirting. I think he feels inadequate again� I�m almost positive about it, because as nice guy as he is (according to all the people who know him), he never congratulated me for my new car or a condo. This is not like him. If I mean nothing in his life, if I�m just an average person helping him with his business and other stuff, he would be the first one to say �congratulations on your new car and your new condo�. I think there is a different story behind all of these�

So, if he felt like approaching me at some point and making some �ways� with the lipstick gift, etc� I think I spoiled it by buying an expensive car and a condo on my own. However, you have a good point, what is it going to do if I rock the boat... And it seems that this is what is about to happen here�

Just noticed a lot of typos in my previous post� Sorry�

I sent a text back to H in response to his last question about the condo not being finished or decorated: �No, it finished and decorated�� Will see what his response will be� There is nothing so far� but I it is 2 hours difference in time zones� so he might be asleep�

HaWho, I get your 2 cents. And thanks for thinking of me! I always appreciate any advice and any thoughts. I�m not sure if I want to let him know that the door is still open� I just don�t think he can comprehend it at this time (he might be approaching the end of his journey, but he is also a very stubborn man�) I just want to let him know that he cannot walk over me without any consequences� He has to sacrifice something to get the �perfect� life and his �perfect, harmonious relationship� he wants! I still think he is a good man inside� and worth it� But� I don�t want to hope for someone who has no desire to have me in his life.

Originally Posted By: BF

I�m beyond exhausted. I�m also afraid that if I start throwing the truth darts, I will not be able to keep my mouth shut and make the smart moves. I need to sort my thoughts out.

Yes, definitely take a break.

Sometimes when we hold things in too long, we tend to blow up when we finally let loose. I found it more productive to try to do or say things as I go, (in tactful ways) instead of letting bad feelings build up.

You're not in the beginning STFU phase here. You have a say in your M.

Bright,

I think your h is envious of what you've accomplished, i.e., new car and the purchase of a condo. He sees that you are moving forward and are a very independent woman who is getting things done. Right now, he's not going to congratulate on these things because of this.

Your h will respond back to you...be patient.

If you aren't sure about whether you want him to know that the door is jar, then do nothing, but sit quietly for now.

Time to update. I think I will be visiting here more often as there will be no GAL for me for a while. Details to follow.

Don�t even know where to pick up from the last post. H never replied to my last text that finished the convo about my condo and me staying at our joint condo. FY, you are so right, no matter what I do or say, H is not doing anything and is not going anywhere, LOL.

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung

You're not in the beginning STFU phase here. You have a say in your M.

Yes, I need to remember that, FY.

Job, you might be right about H being jealous about all my accomplishment, even though he didn�t seem to be a jealous person in the past. I think it irritates him that I�ve done so well without him. He might feel like a looser, because a lot of people in his surrounding know me (at the vacation home in particular) and probably questioning why he left me.

I went to the vacation home two weeks ago, and stopped at the border city to sing my final paper work for my condo � the trust agreement. So, it is all done now and I don�t have to worry about it, I hope. I didn�t work remotely this time. I told my manager at work that I needed some time off, because I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed and needed to re-charge. I did get some rest. But, also had to deal with some unwanted stuff� My GF met me at the border city and helped me at the motario office when I was singing my paper work. It was really nice. She then rode with me to the vacation home place. The bad part was that her mother tugged along. And then she was kind of a nuisance the entire weekend. She would talk over our conversations, she would talk on the phone while three of us were having dinner and having our conversation, she wanted to be entertained, taken to the beach, etc. And the she wanted to ride back with me when I was living. Thank goodness it didn�t happen. They released that it was inconveniencing everyone, since they would have to bring her over to the condo at the time when I was living, and I didn�t know the exact time when I was living. Anyway, she almost ruined my relaxing time off.

I managed to get a few minutes with my GF without her mother. I asked her a question if they heard anything from H regarding me staying at our joint condo. She said that she did not. That was a big relief. I was a bit nervous after our latest test with H. My GF told me other info though. She said the relationship between H and his crazy friend�s H are a bit strained. I wonder why is that, LOL� I guess even his crazy party friends have some boundaries.

And another thing my GF said that H mentioned is that he thinks that it will take a very crazy, twisted person to like him and all his antics. HAHAHA! (This to justify why he still has not found that person to have �harmonious� relationship with, LOL)

I haven�t heard from H since our last text exchange, until today when I received a mail from him with the joint credit card with my name. This is the card we use for business. I guess they sent new cards.

As for me� My work is crazy busy and stressful to the point that I don�t like it right now. I think all stress finally resulted in me getting sick. I came down with the bad flu, with high fever, body aches, sore throat and also stomach flu at the same time. This was on Sunday. But this is not the worst� On Monday, going downstairs, I overstepped the last step, fell off on the floor and hurt my foot. It swallowed badly next day and could barely walk. My sister took me to an urgent care yesterday and determined that I fractured my foot.

Tomorrow I am going to a specialist and I was told that I would have to wear an ortho boot. This is my right foot, so I will not be able to drive for a while. I cannot step on it and was warned not to, so I would not do more damage before the boot is put on. So, no GAL for me for a while. It is also very difficult to navigate through the house. I never had anything broken before. I�ve always been very independent, so it s@ck a lot not be able to take of myself. I almost felt like crying today. I have family, friends and neighbors who offered their help if needed. I guess I have to learn to ask for help.

I will try to visit other threads, now that I will be home bound for a while and will have more time.

Bright, I'm so sorry to hear about your flu and also your foot - that is unlucky! Do rest up and I hope you are all healed and back to 100 percent soon.

Yes, it sounds as though your H isn't in a great place and not moving anywhere fast - but that's on him I guess. Glad you are all completed on your condo!

Xx

Bright - so sorry about your foot! I assume surgery is not required?

Glad we'll be hearing more from you, though sad it's under these circumstances.

Hi Sotto and HaWho, thanks for the kind words! I feel much better and more optimistic today! My flu is almost gone, I still feel a bit weak, but all other symptoms are gone. I went to see a foot specialist today. They put a boot on me (looks similar to a ski boot, LOL), and I can walk now! Not too fast, but much better than I was able to do without a boot. The doctor also told me that I can drive! I will need to take the boot off to drive and then put it back on again. I will see if I can get a soft boot for driving, so there is more protection.

HaWho, no, surgery is not required at this point. If I keep my foot immobilized, which what the boot should provide, and it heals well, I will not need a surgery. Thank goodness!

Sotto, I will try to get as much rest as possible. One thing that I learnt from this foot incident, is that I need to slow down.
I don�t know if H is in a good place or not, but he hasn�t found what he was looking for, that�s for sure. I think he still has a lot of work to do to resolve his issues. And he still trying to avoid any confrontation, which works for me for now. I think I will need to rock the boat at some point to get things moving, but I�m not ready to do it yet, especially right now when I have other things to deal with.

I might not get all that free time I thought I would. My job allows me to work remotely for some time and I got an approval from my manager today. I think they are happy that I can work instead of taking disability leave. I don�t want to take disability leave, as it only pays 60% of my salary, and it would be a big deal right now. I will work remotely for a couple of days next week and then go to the office. There will be a fall festival at work and I don�t want to miss it. So, there is GAL after all!

Have a great weekend everyone!

I'm glad you are feeling better. I'm sorry to hear about your foot, but you'll need to try to rest it as much as possible and the boot will help you w/putting weight on it. Someone is trying to tell you to slow down and to put your focus back on yourself for a bit. Bright, you've got to take care of yourself.

I'm sure your office was happy to allow you to work from home. You are a good employee and they know that you know the work and can be just as productive at home as in the office. While working at home, try to elevate that foot as much as possible.

Please take care of yourself. Maybe you and Irish can swap some secrets on how to do things while wearing a boot.

Hi Bright,
I'm glad you're feeling better from the flu and relieved you don't need surgery! Wow that was a lot, slow down girl!!!

xoxoxo

Bright, I'm so sorry about your foot. I hope you heal quickly.

I agree with Job about your h's envy regarding all you've accomplished on your own. I think the MLCers make these choices that don't turn out to be the greener pastures that they thought they'd be. And they get antsy and even angry when we pick ourselves up and do well in spite of the hand we're dealt.

As for your previous posts about whether to leave the door ajar, close it or do something else, I'd give the same advice as the others about your foot. Slow down. Take your time and decide what is best for YOU. Figure out what path you want to take ... what path is in your best interest. The trick is to push thoughts about how it affects your h aside (as much as you can) and concentrate on you and where you want to go in life. It's okay to still have hope that the M will be saved, but there is absolutely no harm in having a plan B. I think doing that will help you determine when (or if) the door should be closed. That advice came from my IC and it certainly helped me focus.

xoxoxo
2T

Hi Bright
How are things? :-)

Thanks job, bttrfly, 2T for stopping by. Irish, thanks for checking on me, I can always count on you for that, LOL.

Job, thanks for the kind words. I�m trying to take it easy these days. Yes, clearly� it was a message for me to slow down� Ironically, this did give me an opportunity to focus on me and stop worrying about accommodating other people at my expense� I�m still stubbornly independent though and try to get by on my own� I got a soft shoe for driving and I can drive now! I went to the office last week for one day. It was tiring though� My leg was almost numb after driving in traffic in the morning, and I was very tired by the end of the day in the office wearing that boot� I made the case though� And confirmed from my manager that I can work from home until this boot is out! I am still planning to go to the office one day a week for some time� Just to make sure they see me there� Such a control freak I am about my work space, hahaha.

Bttrfly, yes, like I already mentioned, that was a clear message for me to slow down.

2T, I agree with you about slowing down and taking my time. Even though in real world I�ve already been taking it slow for the last 4 years. But, in MLC world it could be nothing� But I get it. It looks like it is on my terms anyway, since H is not doing anything one way or another. At this time, I�m not ready to take an action. But, I always have that option. Plan B sounds good. And it is moving on and living my life the way I like it!

Nothing much to report on H�s front except for a couple of things. It seems like he�s been doing NC on me, LOL. I�m pretty sure he knows about my foot situation, since he is friends with the same people on FB who replied to my post about my foot. He never acknowledged it though, not that I expected him to. I texted him Happy Veterans Day the other day, and he immediately replied� with thanks and then asking me if I received the credit card (the one we use for business)� I replied that I did. He then texted me that the card has a different number now and asked me if all the accounts associated with this card need to be updated. I sent him a few accounts I would remember of, and that I would update one of them. He replied with thanks. I guess I am still a keeper, LOL!

Then I saw his comments on one of our mutual friends FB post. The friend was upset with the elections, so H replied something like �time heals everything and it will heal this as well�. Mind you H is on the same side as this friend, politically, but felt compelled to give this friend a reassurance like that. Soooo�.my thinking process was going on, hahaha� This comment made me analyze again (yes, guilty�) Does this comment reflect where H is in the process:
- He refers to his childhood and feels that the time is finally healing the bad things that happen to him (aka his parents� divorce)
- He refers to the bad things that he had to heal from, a bad marriage and a terrible wife that he run away from� And now he is lot better.
- He refers to the things he�s done to our family and hopes that it will be eventually enough time to heal our wounds and forget what he�s done�
- Or, he feels that he�s done all the damage and also destroyed his life and now hopes that time will heal everything for everyone to move on, as there is no way back and not way restore what he�s lost�

I don�t have any clue anymore�

Oh, and so much for me having more time� Still busy at my work, and one of my consulting gigs has been very active recently. It is actually good, I need some extra money right now, as I am paying for my dog�s and my medical bills.

Hi Bright thx for pooping over on my little island here. Returning the favor. I'm glad you're more mobile, and not pushing it too much. Rest is important now.

As for what he posted - could mean anything or nothing. I got nuthin else baby!

Have a great day and keep focusing on yourself and your recovery. xoxoxoxo

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

�time heals everything and it will heal this as well�. Mind you H is on the same side as this friend, politically, but felt compelled to give this friend a reassurance like that. Soooo�.my thinking process was going on, hahaha� This comment made me analyze again (yes, guilty�) Does this comment reflect where H is in the process:
- He refers to his childhood and feels that the time is finally healing the bad things that happen to him (aka his parents� divorce)
- He refers to the bad things that he had to heal from, a bad marriage and a terrible wife that he run away from� And now he is lot better.
- He refers to the things he�s done to our family and hopes that it will be eventually enough time to heal our wounds and forget what he�s done�
- Or, he feels that he�s done all the damage and also destroyed his life and now hopes that time will heal everything for everyone to move on, as there is no way back and not way restore what he�s lost�

I don�t have any clue anymore�

Hi Bright.. analyzing
You know we shouldn't do that. lol
It's tough I know. His quote was maybe just that.. a quote for the election.

your last guess : he feels that he�s done all the damage and also destroyed his life and now hopes that time will heal everything for everyone to move on, as there is no way back and not way restore what he�s lost�

This one category that I tend to put my XW in. She said it recently. it happened, its done.. oh well . lets just move on.

I wish them luck on that one, if it's that one.

Don't over due it being too busy. Find a good pace and some time to relax and enjoy.

Wow, it�s been over a month since I posted an update. I�ve been keeping up on some other posts thought.
It has been some challenging times for me� I had no idea that breaking my foot could affect my entire body� I�ve been in pain for the last month or so. I have pain in my back, my arms, my neck, my shoulders� I overstretch my muscles because I�m trying to do things that would normally, forgetting that my foot injury puts some limitations� I was able to drive, but it was exhausting� And I had to take my boot off and put a soft boot on for driving, then take the soft boot of and put the regular boot on every time I needed to go the store, or work, or my sister�s, etc� Now I know that injuring the foot is not a joke. I don�t want sound like a cry baby, but this took a toll on me� The work was had been exhausting, as I�ve been over allocated (according to my manager) by at least 150%.

The good news is that my foot is healing nicely. I went to the doctor�s last week and he told me that can start slowly transitioning from the boot to a solid shoe when I walk. I�m so happy that I don�t need a surgery. I just need to be very careful and let it heal all the way. I feel more comfortable driving now. I still try not to step on my foot all the way� which causes other pains, as my body is trying to compensate for that� But� I feel pretty confident that the healing is progressing well!

Bttrfly, Irish, thanks for stopping by.
Bttrfly, I�ve following your thread and I�m so feel for you, with your court date only hours away.

Irish, you might be right about H thinking that he destroyed everything and there no way back and everyone just needs to move on. The only exception is that he still keeps the status quo� Which to me means not completely moving on� but, he might have a different prospective on this�

So, a few things happen since my last post. And, they might be insignificant� but made me think. For Thanksgiving we were invited to H�s brother�s. It was my family and a couple � BILs friend and his wife. I also know this friend from the days when we had football tickets and were tailgating with a bunch of people. Needless to say, he also knows H, as we were together back then. BIL�s friends left early, and it was pretty much my family and BIL. This year we had everyone, including my sister, who worked on the Thanksgiving for the last few years (she is a nurse.) After dinner and a few drinks (when I was feeling merry, LOL), I texted H to wish him a happy Thanksgiving. He replied back right away, asking me if I was at his brother�s. I replied back with a picture of everyone (except me, since I took the picture). He replied back, amazed at how my nephews had grown up and how he didn�t recognize one of them. Yeah� MLC timer�

Then a couple of weeks ago H called me� He was trying to do his payroll and was getting some error on QB because he run an upgrade. He was asking me if I knew what that error was. I told him that I didn�t run an upgrade, so I have no idea. He said that he would call QB and try to figure it out. Then he texted me to tell me that there was a good deal on a new version of QB and if we should get it. To make the story short, he wanted to consult with me before doing taking any action. I guess I�m still a keeper, LOL! I told him to go ahead and upgrade to a new version. He then sent me the info. So� two things here� First, he wanted my opinion and my input on this. Second, he was able to do it on his own after receiving my �blessing�, LOL. I was pretty accretive and confident about the matter when I spoke with him and texted him. I have a feeling that he needed that�

He was traveling back to the vacation home place at the time. I guess he is done with his work for the winter and is going to stay at the vacation home for a few months. As far as I know he never stopped by my city on his way. He came over yesterday to pick up a shipment that he sent to his brother�s house. I think it is a new TV. He texted me yesterday telling me that he was coming down and then he would be leaving next morning (today) and what would be the best time to pick up his mail. Well� I just sent him his mail a couple of weeks ago to his PO box at the border city. I didn�t really have any �important� mail for him. But� I played dumb and told him that the best time would be this morning. I had a feeling that there was something else besides the mail� I was right. He came this morning and wanted to see if he could take a cutting saw from the garage. He told me that he thought there were two of them and asked me if he could take one. I told him that he could take one, as long as there was another one, because I have people doing some work for me who might need it, hehe. So, I let him to take a cutting saw� What was amazing to me is that he remembered that there two of them in the garage! I guess, they do remember things, LOL.

So, this is when I got a compliment on my car (I think I�m going to run out of a smiley emoticons here�). He saw my new car last time when he stopped by the house. The car was parked in the driveway, because the garage door was broken. This is when I posted that he didn�t say anything about my car. Well� this time I guess he had no choice� and kind of mumbled �nice car� Audi, ha��

I had a New Years card for him when he came and I gave it him. I thought he would bring a card for my son and his GF, but apparently he didn�t have one. When he was leaving I wished him happy holidays, etc� To which he replied that he would see me on the holidays and sounded a bit confused about me wishing him happy holidays� I�m going to the vacation home for the Christmas weekend, actually taking a couple of days more, so it is going to be a mini vacation! Our mutual friends know that I�m coming and we are also having a party at other friends� house. My guess is that he knows from my mutual friends that I will be there, and thinks that we could cross paths somewhere. At the same time, he played dumb about my foot injury� He asked me what happened like he didn�t know a thing� I kind of have to doubt that� But� I might be wrong� You never know what is going on in MLCer mind�

This is a long post again. I apologize. I broken it into two... Here is the rest of it...

Anyway, H said that he would probably see me at the vacation home place� I wonder if he is going to the same party, as these people are his friends as well. I�m not making anything out of it. I�m kind of the mood that I accept the status quo for now, which he also seems eager to maintain (we discussed the business and his invoices coming to PO box for me to pick up and deposit� and me renewing his XM radio� and AAA bill that I paid and he needs to pay me his portion of it�) But� I�m thinking that this status quo is not going anywhere� It is just convenient for him, and he keeps leaving his life the way he wants, and there is no remorse or regret, or anything� I tried to keep an eye contact with him today when he came to the house. I noticed that he tried not to look me strait in the eyes when I was looking at him. While I was pretty "bold" and confident, I think he was kind of avoiding the direct contact. I think this is strange� I thought we passed that threshold a long time ago. I think that he is content with his life and gets the single man benefits, which suits him well. I think I�m ready to move on again. I thought I was ready before that lipstick �incident�� This delayed me by about 6 months� Grrr�. I don�t like it� As long as there are no more �incidents� like that, I think I�m ready to drop the rope. I think this man is seriously stuck in the nowayback land, that I just cannot afford to have any hope anymore. Needless to say that he hasn't had any real relationship since BD, so there e is probably still hoping to find that one �harmonious relationship� of his dreams� I don�t have any more time for this�

Sorry for the long post again. I know people don�t normally read the long posts. But� I had to get it out of my chest�

Tried to change my name here, as I don�t want to be BrightFuture anymore, I want to be BrightNow (as the things I want are no longer in the future, they are here and now�), but could not do that. Got some kind of error� I will try again later.

Hi BrightNow

I read your post. I think you have the friendliest MLCr around.
He does seem stuck though.

I do understand why they show no regret. It's so hurtfull the things they did.
They can't face it. Him not looking in your eyes is the perfect example. Like a puppy who ate the slipper, can't make eye contact because he knows he did bad.

With Time I think he will gradually talk about what happened. That's If he can remember it as well as you can. A lot of it has most probably been forgotten.

Glad you posted. It's nice hearing from you.

Irish (((hugs)))

Bright,

I'm so sorry that you had some difficulties with your foot. You never realize just how much you use a limb until it's broken or injured. I'm sure your energy level was zapped by the end of the day trying to walk, take on and off boots, etc. I'm going to recommend a very lightweight shoe for you to try because it worked well for me when I had a partial knee replacement years ago. Get yourself a pair of Sketchers (pull on type to start out with. They are great and lightweight too. It's going to take a while for your foot to heal completely, so be careful when stepping off of curbs, etc. What I was told to do was this...put your bad foot down the step first (like going to hades) and when walking up steps, put your good foot first (like going to heaven. It does work.

As for your h...inching along, but he does appear to be stuck just a wee bit. Trust me, he checked your car out and I'm glad he did say something about it...even if it was a few words. He checked out everything around your home and he does sense that things are not sitting still, but moving forward. At least he asked if he could take one of the saws w/him. Many don't do that.

Bright, many of them don't show regret, but prefer to tap dance around it and some even try to sweep everything under the rug. The LBS very, very seldom gets and honest, outright, apology. Some don't even want to talk about what happened. That's why we don't get the "closure" we all need. Maybe, in time, he'll open up a bit and talk about things...but that's in the future.

Have a wonderful time at the vacation spot...but be careful with your foot. Travel safely!

Hi Bright, sorry you had a rough time with your foot and I'm glad to hear everything is healing well.

Yes, I agree with Irish and Job - he does seem to be grinding along and is perhaps a little stuck. But I guess that is on him and his life is his own to live. I understand about the lipstick incident. It is a shame to feel set back by these things, but I guess it is all part of our journey.

I'm glad to read that you have nice festive plans anyway. It is always an option to change things up a little in your current arrangements with him. But it's up to you and as long as you are living your own life peacefully, happily and the present set up works okay for you - I would say, just live your life and leave him to it!

Merry Xmas to you xxx

BrightNOW - Phfew, that's so wonderful you don't need surgery. Sorry the healing process has been difficult.

Thanks for posting an update. I've been thinking about you and about how you are healing.

I wish you all the best in 2017!

Irish, thanks for stopping by and for recognizing my new name

, even though I cannot change it. There seems to be new restrictions on names now, they can have no more than 7 characters. So, I will not be able to change to BrightNow

.

You are right, H is probably the nicest MLCer around... Maybe because we just don't talk much and rarely see each other, LOL.

Job, thank you for you thoughtful post and for your understanding. You described my "foot struggle" perfectly! And this is exactly what I've been doing, putting my bad foot first when go downstairs (when my dog goes downstairs with me he does the same thing, one foot at the time, so funny), and putting my good foot first when I go upstairs. I do have running shoes, and this what I've wearing for a few days now.

Sotto and HaWho, thank you for your kind words.

Sotto, the lipstick incident recovery has been slow, but I feel I like was almost there when H showed up.

HaWho, I'm wishing you the best in 2017 as well!

So, like I said, the set back after the lipstick thing was longer than I expected. I think my foot injury, and that it happened before the holidays, contributed into that big time. I was feeling sad and depressed around the Thanksgiving. Not that anyone noticed, I kept it to myself. After H's visit I was determined to put it behind me and keep moving on.

As for H not looking into my eyes... I thought we were past that. He seemed to be more comfortable last year. It was me who was not looking directly to him all the time, but I think he did look at me when we talked. It seems like last year he was more sure of himself and what he did. Does it mean that this year is starting to wake up and realize the thins he did? Maybe starting to feel more regret, even though he is not showing it?

I drove to the vacation home yesterday. It was raining almost all the way to the border, so it was bit stressful, but I made it here safely. When I arrived, I called my mutual friends and they told me that they were having dinner at other friends' house (the same friends who are going to host a Christmas day dinner), and... sure enough... H was there... Speaking about no more "incidents" and set backs... He stayed the entire evening. We were all talking, sometimes having multiple conversation, so I didn't hear everything H said during the evening. But, there were a few conversations (brought up by the friends) that involved both of us. For example, the friend asked about how old my dog was and then turned to H and asked him "how old was the dog when you guys got him?". H's response started with "we got him when..." . Then there were a few more events that were remembered pre BD, and there were a few more instances when H said "we"... If somebody who didn't know our story would be listening to the conversation, they would have no idea that we are separated. Unreal! It also seemed that our friends deliberately were choosing the topics that involved both of us...

Like I said, H stayed for the entire evening. My mutual friends' kid was running around and being nosy and distractive, and I kept waiting for H to get annoyed, and get up and bail out (he doesn't tolerate little kids very much), but he stayed put.

So, today, I've been trying to process this in a "healthy" way, LOL. Meaning, still staying the course and not trying to get my hopes up again. Not sure if there will be more interactions in the next few days... Wish me luck.

BrightNOW ... which I love btw ... I"m glad that your foot doesn't require surgery and is healing. I understand how the setbacks sometimes take longer than we'd like to move past. I suppose we just need to keep moving, even if at a snail's pace, and not lose faith.

I'm glad you had a nice time with your friends last night. I don't really know what to say about H's behavior. It's nice that he stayed and interacted. I guess I would take this time as an opportunity to show how much you've dropped the rope and are moving forward with your life. I think that's done by just having the same wonderful time you'd have if he wasn't there. So, regardless of future interactions over the next several days, enjoy yourself to the fullest, be authentically the wonderful BrightNOW that you are, and have a beautiful Christmas.

xoxoxoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Merry Christmas Bright xoxo

Hope you had a Merry Christmas Brightnow.

I am wishing you a speedy recovery and all the best in 2017.

Bttrfly, Irish, HaWho, thanks for stopping by.
Merry Christmas to all of you! Merry Christmas to everyone who has been here for me over the years. I could not have done it without all your support!

Bttrfly, thank you for the words of support. I needed to hear that, even thought I was determined to do just that, enjoy my time and be an authentic me, BrightNow! And I think I succeeded. It was not hard at all.

So, H did show up for the Christmas dinner at our friends'. He even gave me a hug and wished me Merry Christmas, HA! (I assume that because everyone was doing it...) There were 4 couples, a 96 year old father of one of the couples, me, H and my friends' 4 year old. Another single guy didn't show up. So, when everyone took a seat at the table, there were two seats left next to H. Luckily, my mutual GF saw that and took a seat next to H, so she was in between me and H. One of the couples met H for the first time, I don't think they knew how we were related. They were seating in front of us and making a conversation with me and H. I kept waiting for an awkward question to pop up, but nothing happened. Wheeewww...

H lasted the whole evening again. After two couples left, we gathered closer at one of tables and continued the conversations. There were a few more topics came up that involved our history. There was no tension, we were laughing and making jokes, just like in old days. H even poked a couple of jokes at me. We had quite a few drinks by then... I was so proud of myself. I didn't feel any anxiety. I didn't hold back on any comments because H was there. I was just myself.

Need to mention that H said he was invited to a couple other dinners/parties and he stopped there before coming to my friends' house. My mutual GF told me today that she saw one of the guys who hosted one of the parties (who we all know and who is aware of our sitch) and he said that H told him that he would come back to his party after he visits with us. The guy asked how late we stayed, and was surprised that H stayed for that long and never made it back to his party. I think I went to my condo at about 1 or 2 am, don't remember exactly after many drinks... I think H left right before me. H probably had an exit plan when he told the guy he would come back to his house, in case H would feel uncomfortable. But... it seems like he felt very comfortable with us, and this is why he stayed all the way till the end.

I'm trying not make anything out of it. Maybe he is testing the waters on being friends, like he imagined at BD. Our male friend (the house host) told me the story the other day (after our first dinner where H was present) about his GF in his younger days before he was married to his wife. He said that they dated for about 2-3 year, then they split and then after they split and when he was married and she was married to her H, they became good friends. So, he was trying to make a point that H and I could be these friends one day. To which I said that 2-3 years of dating doesn't compare with almost 17 years of marriage, and I don't think we could be friends like that. But, maybe H has the same kind of idea. Except... what was holding him all these years? I was always friendly and didn't mind being in his company (with other people of course). It seemed like he was the one who had an issue. But... why now? This is totally unreal... Him not looking me in the eyes when stopping by the house... and then spending two evenings in my company. I can't even recall all the conversations and all observations I was making. I know there were a few... For example that H sounded like his "old" self in most of the conversations.

I just hope it will not come to bite me... meaning it will not set me back again. I need to keep focused on my own life. BTW, forgot to mention that I've been staying at my new condo! And it feels great!

Going back to my friends� house now for some leftovers.

Merry Christmas Bright! I am glad you enjoyed your holiday. I'm also glad it went well and was comfortable with H. I don't have any advice on the friend thing, but I will say do what works for you, and only what works for you.

The new condo sounds great! Glad to hear you are enjoying it.

Bttrfly, I don�t even know if there could be any advice on this �friends� things, or anything in regards to my sitch. I�ve been feeling like failure again� that I don�t a have courage to end this� and keep being engaged in H�s strange behaviors� As I suspected, the Christmas weekend kind of backfired� I just felt the sadness all over again. This time of year has also been difficult for me after the BD. Our would be anniversary (21 years) was yesterday... It is always a sad day, considering that H is almost always in town at this same time, going to a Holiday Bowl with his brother. It used to be three of us, but I�m obviously not included into that for the last few years. This year I wished he would end this tradition and not show up in town at all.

He texted me about the company stuff a day before our anniversary. I didn�t hear a beep from him yesterday (anniversary). At least he has not disturbed me on that day. I�m sure he remembers the date, but I think he doesn�t give a d@nm about it.

SO� I was afraid to get sucked into this �nice� guy thing, with him showing up to Christmas dinner at the vacation home� And I did� got sucked in� Now, I�m thinking that he is not in MLC and never was in MLC� it was just me being not a right wife for him. Yes, guilty, I�ve been trying to analyze what I heard in the conversations, and most of it was just �old� H. Unless� I�m just not good at picking up the MLC trends, like others do. I feel stupid. I don�t even know if I am making may sense here.

I�m making a big effort to host a New Yeats dinner at my house. My sister and her family are on the vacation this year. Normally they would be hosting a dinner and do most of the cooking. This time, it is just me� In the past, we had the New Year�s dinners at our house. And� I had H to help with things� This year it is just me, and it is overwhelming, especially considering that I�m not 100% mobile yet (with my foot.) I�m sure I will get through this, as I always do. But� I just want to cry. Sorry for venting�

I want to wish everybody a Happy New Year! I hope it is better year for everyone, not matter where you are in your journey! Love, peace and prosperity to all of you!

Hi Bright. Sorry you are struggling at the moment. I hear you with just wanting to cry, I did that most of yesterday!

The whole not including us in things really hacks me off too. I also called H out on his secretive behaviour yesterday as I'm fed up of him being vague about the reasons why he can't come over to see us. One time he was just going to see his his parents but he made such a big deal of being unavailable!

We just dont know what goes on in their minds. I think they make a pretty good job of seeming normal to others but because we know them so well we can see they are not.

I am sorry you foot is still not good. Instead if making a huge dinner for NY can you get your guests to bring a dish each?

Wishing you love and happiness in 2917 Bright!

Hi Coly, thanks for stopping by. There was no option for people to bring a dish to the New Year�s dinner, as I invited them for Russian-style New Year celebration. So, I had to cook all the food. And I did! Everybody liked the food and had a great time! I did too! I�m glad the holidays are over though�

Got a text from H on the New Year�s eve while having a dinner party at my house. He wished me a happy New Year. I totally didn�t expect it, as I thought that he would be spending it with his friends at the town he is from. I replied with Happy New Year too. The reason I thought H was with his high school friends was that I saw the charges through our joint bank account online (his account, but linked to still our joint accounts). Apparently he drove there one day before the New Years. But� then my mutual friends told me that he was with them on the New Years and with the same crowd we had Christmas dinner with. So� he came back to the vacation home after one day in his home town. Interesting� I sounds like he was kind of bouncing around, trying to decide where he wanted to be� Also, I guess he didn�t go with his other crowd (with this crazy woman, her H, etc�) It is kind of significant that he spent New Year�s with the same people he spent the Christmas with� Another evening with more �reasonable�, settled people�

Maybe he is coming back to his senses, LOL. But I feel like I�m drifting further and further apart from him though. Now the Christmas dinner in the same company feels like a dream. And the reality is that I�m still moving on with my life. I�m not even sure I can reconcile with him at this point, if he would come back. I feel like I�m not willing to tolerate some of his �principals� any more. Maybe it is just a �hangover� from the holidays�

My foot is healing. I�m out of the boot and walking. Slow� with some hesitation� but walking without a boot. And I�m back to work in the office� It was nice to work from home for a while. I missed seeing some people at work, but I liked my time at home with a lot less stress.

Have a great week, everyone!

I'm glad to read that you are now "bootless"! That foot is going to be tender for a bit...try to wear comfortable shoes as often as you are permitted to do so when working. It takes a long time for these types of injuries to truly heal up nicely. I'm sure you are enjoying not having to take on and off that boot!

Happy New Year to you and your son! I hope the new year will bring you more happiness and peace.

Hi :-)

So glad you are out of your boot. It was a great feeling when I was out of mine. Felt weird at first but all was good. Take it easy because it does take time to heal.

as for you drifting away from your H. You are finding yourself. Not dependent on him. It's a beautiful thing when one can say. "I am good with myself."

you sound great

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