An update from the long slow world of MLC.
My xh started abruptly on his MLC eleven years ago this coming July. And I can pinpoint the date and almost the time! He changed over night from a loving husband into a monster
A mean and raging MLCer - at one point he was suing me!! (Apart from the divorce)
Contact was sporadic, always initiated by him and full of blame and rage towards me
Well he got married a couple of years back (not the original OW)
This morning I got a phone call saying he now realised how awful he had been to all of us. 'Monstrous' was his own word.
He said knew now how much he had lost.
I wouldn't say he was emotionally normal, but he was listening to what I had to say, and clearly not in a good place. Still married . . . .
I told him that it was hard for me because trust had been broken between us, and I still had no confidence that he wouldn't revert to his previous behaviour.
It might sound odd, even talking to this man, but we had a very long, and for me, very happy marriage, and we both agreed that as we had got older that jettisoning the greater part of our lives was a hard thing to do.
For the first time in many years he expressed concern for my feelings. Weird but true. This is not going to be a restored marriage, but it might be interesting to see how the post-divorce/ his re-marriage relationship unfolds . . . or not.
This may be one of his periodic popping out of the rabbit hole. I think it will be a while before we speak again. We shall see.
I did get an acknowledgement of my feelings and that gave me some closure when I had expected non at all.
Bea
Thanks for the update.
Eleven years until a moment of clarity.
Amazing.
I am behind you, and am only at a mere 7 right now.
I do think that this may only be a moment and they
are so broken and beyond repair at this point.
Glad to hear your update.
Bea,
How are you doing? I know that the phone call probably not only shocked you, but brought back some memories of what has transpired over the last 11 years.
I'm glad he called you and has come to realize what a monster he has been to all of you. No one knows if this is just a moment of clarity or the real deal...but time will tell if he's actually coming out of the fog of MLC. He has lost so much, i.e., a wonderful wife and great children. He destroyed a good marriage and any chances of that marriage being reconciled.
I'm very glad he acknowledged your feelings. Again, time will tell if your h is sticking his head out of the rabbit hole or if he's above ground for good.
Take care.
Bea that is just an incredible story. Truly incredible! Eleven years and a moment of true clarity. I hope for his sake this continues so he can become the man you say he once was.
You must feel at least slightly vindicated after hearing the admission from your X. Eleven years. Wow. Just. Wow.
You are so strong, Bea. You definitely inspire me.
WH
So good to hear from people - thank you - Cadet, Job, wise words as ever. WH - I am so happy for you (apart from the local unpleasantness from xh - they do this stuff, sadly. It distracts them from their own situation. Punishing us is a sort of MLC hobby for many)
What is interesting is that so much of what has been written about MLC, my xh has confirmed. He talked and talked and talked. Boy talk about floodgates opening.
The realization of his behaviour was triggered by a comment from my middle son last July. It has taken more than 9 months to come to fruition in his MLC brain.
He said that I never deserved any of what had happened to me.
The good thing is, I worked this out all on my own!!. But good to hear it after all this time.
Unlike previous conversations, he now understands there is no magic wand to make everything OK, even to a kind of low level friendship.
I will post updates as and when. Not expecting anything at all for quite a while. He needs to process. I am not the person he left, in so many ways.
Wow, Bea! He finally realized how much he lost! I'm so happy that you finally got some acknowledgement of your feelings and some closure. You are an incredible woman and he is finally having his blinders coming off to see that.
Thanks for posting the update. It always great to hear how this MLC journey unfolds down the road. I can't wait for your updates with more details. I hope you choose to share with us.
Bright - I got so much help and support here when I was raw and bleeding with it all! Of course I will post. I often doubted if MLC was real, or an excuse for bad behaviour.
Well I believe it is real, and it isn't an excuse for bad behaviour - it explains it though to some extent.
My xh has very low levels of self awareness and awareness of others. I don't know if it was always this low - have I forgotten?
It is making my past a safer place, if that makes sense? I doubted my memories, and probably always will, but not as much. -
Bea, thank you very much for returning to share with us.
Your survival and growth through this mlc tragedy has often inspired me to keep going.
I used to dream about XH waking up and coming back to me and the kids.
The man I knew would never have left us, and that made the whole thing incomprehensible.
These days, 5 years on from BD, I don't want this any more - indeed the thought scares me!
But to hear that your X has finally had some insight into what went on - for me, that would give some meaning to this awful period of life, too.
Like you, I'm a believer in the reality of mlc - and its stages and phases.
Maybe in 6 years or so, I'll get a similar call!
As always, your posts help me make sense of it all, and help me to go on.
Thanks for this post. Your MLCer sounds a lot like mine - dragging you back to court over an imagined wrong.
I believe that my xh's MLC has been prolonged by a serious and life threatening illness which was diagnosed around 3 years in. Against all the odds he survived, but dealing with health issues tends to slow down the process further.
As Job and others have observed, in most cases this crisis was a long time coming, and it isn't usually over quickly. I would say five years is a relatively short crisis - assuming they ever come through it.
M xh is reconnecting with his children - for a long time he didn't see the necessity for the hard work, and patience. Now he gets it, and he is in their lives again, This is a good sign for me. And I am pleased for all of them. He was a great father and role model until this crisis struck.
Even if he continues to make progress I am not sure whether I just want to make my peace with him, or to have some sort of on-going 'friendship'. As he is remarried, nothing more would ever be offered, and like you, the thought of any close relationship with him scares me!! I have moved beyond wanting him back in my life in any major role. Indeed, in my case, I love my single life, although I am really happy for people who do meet a new person.
One thing I have taken away from all of this is not to sweat the small stuff. The other is to be as kind as possible to other people, without being a doormat.
I wouldn't wish dealing with MLC on anyone, but you do grow!
amazing. thank you for posting this. what i especially love about this Bea is that YOU DIDN'T NEED THE CLOSURE by the time it got to you. I LOVE that you did all this work on yourself ... you are an inspiration to me. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad you got it, but even happier that you didn't need it by the time it was offered.
Have a beautiful day, and keep posting!
xoxoxoxo
Bea, I know that his call had to surprise you. It's unusual to see this behavior that far out from a divorce. Many MLC'ers that have been away that long just tend to keep moving on. Anyway, I am glad that his call made you feel better. You have displayed a patience that I do not have. I won't speak to my XW under any circumstances, but I am glad this has helped you and hopefully, he will continue to try to reconnect with all of you.
Omg Bea.. i never saw this coming from your mlcer..wow!!
I am happy you got this call after all you have been through.. he knows what he has lost but did you hear apologies or sensed remorse in his voice? I'm curious. I wonder if they would admit their true feelings eventually.cause, i beleive they have those feelings.they showed them from time to time during their mlc but will deny them..
It is good to hear from you !!
Hi Exquisite - good to hear from you (and you too BH - this is different for all of us)
I would say from his voice and general conversational style that my xh is pretty depressed, but that is his to own. I am sorry if this is the case, but it is outside anything I can do. All I can do is be authentically me, and I am done with anger, hurt and bitterness - although it took a long time to work through.
What I think happens in MLC is that it is like walking or driving in a thick fog. Periodically there is a clear patch - (and some do not have these at all) and they pop up, but the fog closes in again. Maybe they come out of it when the patches of clarity get larger, and fog lessens. But also some of them find it easier to remain in the fog.
I think my xh has periods of clarity (always has had) but the fog closes in again. This time I don't know. I haven't heard from him in a few days, but the last email I got was pleasant and addressed to something that interested me.
The thing is there isn't really anywhere for us to go on this, except to be more friendly to each other and make my past 'safer' by our shared understanding of the past, and possibly even my understanding what he has been through. I am genuinely sorry for all that has happened, but I have a future as well as a past.
I do not think he regrets all of it - but I do think he regrets the pain he caused me, which up until now he hasn't really acknowledged or even understood.
I am not expecting another call or email any time soon.
The thing is there isn't really anywhere for us to go on this, except to be more friendly to each other and make my past 'safer' by our shared understanding of the past, and possibly even my understanding what he has been through. I am genuinely sorry for all that has happened, but I have a future as well as a past.
Well put.
The time involved in all of this can never be underestimated.
We can not put our lives on hold and my honest belief is if we do we
can get stuck in our own crisis.
Much better idea is to keep moving forward!
Bea,
I am so happy to hear you are doing well. Those MLCers can surprise you on occasion can't they?
Keep living the good life. I always enjoy your posts:)