Job, I don't get it...
I found from facebook album of husband's brother, husband and his parents and brother gathered many times without me in past nine months. I'm the one who care and love him even he bombed me like that. He moved out, he refused to come home, but he seems quite 'happy' to be with family. He is the one who has issue with parents isn't he ? Does this mean he is working on the issue with his original family/parents ?
I know my question sounds strange, what kind of question it this; you must understand the feeling I have. The LBS gets confused, why we become the target of husband's spewing, projecting. If the MLCer has any issue with his parents, why doesn't he just go to his parents and get things cleared...
Babe,
Of course you don't get it. You aren't the one in crisis and they do things that don't appear to be rational to us, but rational to them. Your question is not strange because we have discussed this topic a few times here about how they appear to reconnect w/family members that they've not had much to do w/for many years over. Yes, they appear to be happy family members in the photos and at gatherings, but no one knows if that is true or not...only they know for sure. So, please don't assume anything when it comes to a person in crisis.
What you have seen is very normal for the MLCer. When they go back in time, they reconnect w/family members and that's where they have to be at that time in order to figure out what happened. They have to go back there, learn about themselves and those around them in order to better understand and accept that they weren't at fault for what happened to them.
Babe, it's not easy for them during the crisis and like I have pointed out many times...they HAVE to go back to the time where they were emotionally stunted in order to hopefully grow up after facing their fears/demons, accepting what they couldn't and still can't change in the past and then start moving forward to grow up. Some will talk to their parents about the situation during this replay time and others won't because the person or persons who treated them poorly have passed on. Those who have parents or authority figures that have passed on may be lost for a long time and may not come out of the crisis as mature individuals and some will seek counseling...it all depends upon the individual and how they cope w/their crisis. No one knows how each person will deal w/their crisis...all we can do is hope and pray for them.
Job, thanks for getting back to me, how is everyone ? I was busy for a month, did not hear anything from husband ... Good news is he stopped pushing me for divorce nor yelling anymore. It is good isn't it ?
Why don't you tell us what you have been up to...you don't necessarily have to post all of the time about your h. We are also interested in how you are progressing on your own journey.
I work normally, eat, sleep normally, I do travel to a small town to the east coast of my country, where I visited a priest and I met some new friends, volunteers who helped the priest. I attended the church group but I don't text or email my husband as they told me to. I also enroll a french class (14 lessons, twice a week, basic class, I always want to learn that language)
Spent lesser and lesser time in focusing on the other person or my husband, mainly I pull myself all together to find my life back.
Have no children, so I have plenty of time in doing what I like to do, the things I've never done to myself; travel alone, be a student again, go to church, meeting new friends. All these took me one whole year... look back, I did not know how I got through after bomb dropped.
Feeling lonely sometimes... enjoy being alone sometimes.
Thank you; Job !
Hey everyone and Job; hope you are all doing fine.
Am I on the right track ? Leave him there, I did not see husband for five months, he never call nor pushes for divorce these days. I just keep on doing the things I do now ?
We always celebrate his birthday in Sep. Last year, we had dinner together, I got him birthday card and a beautiful cake, later I found that he was having the OW at the same time. This year, I don't know if I should be planning any thing regarding his birthday. What is your suggestion ?
Hi Babe, for me with birthdays - first one after BD I sent a card, this year I mentioned HBD in an email (replying to one of his.) Next year I wouldn't plan on acknowledging it in any way.
I certainly wouldn't be making plans for his BD and at most would consider a card or text from you.
JMHO of course :)x
Hi Babe
Anniversary dates are such a hard one. Like Sotto said (and this is only my opinion) I would not do anything big for you h birthday, if you feel like you would like to acknowledge it in some way then send a card or text but don't expect any response from him, only send it because you want to, that way you will not feel disappointed if he does not acknowledge your gesture.
I sent my h a text but that was only because around his birthday both years he was in contact with me, otherwise I would not have bothered. This year is a bit different but I still wont be doing anything big, just a small gift and card.
You sound very independent, wow french, that's great - are you planning a trip to a french speaking country or learning just because ? I admire you, I was useless at french in school lol.
I find loneliness comes in waves. It took me a long time to be ok with my own company, I am still not great at it, but I accept it as part of learning about who I am. Sounds like you are trying out new things which is great, it takes time to find out what fits, its a new path of discovery you are on.
Hang on in there Babe, you are doing great xo
Babe,
If you want to send a card, then do so...keep the card generic, i.e., nothing too sentimental or mushy. If you send a text, just say "Happy Birthday, I hope you enjoy your special day" and leave it at that. Nothing more, i.e., very plain and simple.
Also, do not get upset if you don't receive a call or text back. Some do and others don't. Continue as you have been and if he responds, be pleasant, but have no expectations.
Sotto, thank you for your advice. Frankly, I'm not in that mood - dinner, birthday present, special event... I use to make hotel reservation and plan for trip to the east coast as birthday gift for him in past 6 years. I will send a card or give me a text this year.
LouR,((hug)) thank you !! I'm still learning. I do feel lonely sometimes, specially during holiday. weekend, Husband and I had no kids so we spent most of our time together before bomb dropped; after that, I collapsed. I tried many things but then I realize it is a matter of time and it is a process of learning. First we face it, the fact that things are different, and deal with the damage husband brought to family. Start to find a new life style. I do everything for myself now.
I always love Paris, traveled two times to Paris(I'm useless at french, I enrolled the French class years ago and I quit) There will be fourteen lessons on 7 weeks. the class begins next week.
Job, I'm speakin to myself, repeating it to myself - the best thing I could do/help him is leave him there, leave him in his world. Leave the space of growing, keep the silence and he could do the thinking. Am I on the right track ?
Thank you everyone (heart)
Hi Everyone and Job,
I had 7 lessons of french(4 weeks) and this Friday I'm going to east coast for a break. French is difficult ... but I enjoy learning it.
The last post I had was at the beginning of July and I'm one step further of my own life. Husband kept his silence; is it good ? Does that mean he is calming down ?
Congratulations on the French lessons. French is difficult to learn, but you'll get it and once you do, you'll need to continue to practice using it so that you don't forget what you've learned.
If your h is silent, it could mean any number of things: 1) his is busy at work or out playing, 2) he's sitting at home after work looking at the 4 walls; is working on himself in his own way; and 4) maybe he's starting to settle down. Whatever the reason is, we can't assume anything when it comes to their behavior.
Keep the focus on you!
Thank you Job,
Learning French is not easy !! specially the pronunciation; I'm at level one, will continue the classes.
I don't think he needs my help at this moment, I do hope he is working on himself, meanwhile, I'm healing myself from those bad things he said to me. 10% of them might be my problem but 90% of them were not true. I had my own problem, I was not control my temper well(I'm learning and practice and is more mature) my relationship with his family wasn't close, however I was honest and devoted to our family and marriage...
Job and Everyone;
I got bombed on Sept. 2014. I can remember the date clearly that he gave me the speech of 「I love you but I'm not in love with you」「I want to move out in searching myself」the two speeches and something that he told me prior are the clues I'm looking for knowledge of midlife crisis. I also remember he was cold and distant for 12-18 months before I got bombed, he mentioned he enjoys working with the young people, he loves to be around by young people, he was interested in shopping outfit that is not suiting...
Want to give myself a warm hug, how hard it was to let go of him, he blamed me for everything, he threatened me he is moving out, he pushes for divorce for a year. We bump into each other when he was dating the other woman.
I really appreciate the information on this forum, thank you all soooooooo much for sharing and the encouragement !
Thank you and thank you !!
Babe,
You mentioned that you are looking for knowledge of MLC. Did you read the homework links that Cadet provided to you? If so, go back and re-read them. There is a wealth of info all over this forum as to what MLC can look like. As for what your h said, yes, his speech is very similar to what we have heard one time or another. His behavior speaks of MLC.
Continue to post and most importantly read the other threads. Again, there is a wealth of info in each and every thread.
Keep up the good work that you are doing for yourself.
Not sure I did that
so here
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmMichele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Cadet and Job,
Thanks for sharing the links, I had those links 6 months ago and studied as much as I could. These are very useful knowledge, I had the knowledge and the next step I did was 'let go' of him.
I'm pulling myself all together piece by piece; he had me 'destroyed' little by little these three to four years, I have to admit it I was lost, we lived under the same roof but he was cold and distant; like I was living alone and I try to please him from time to time, till the bomb dropped, he seldom communicate, I hurt myself in getting his attention and he sees that as pressure and threaten. He didn't help me with the chores and he did not give me money(I got a job and I have my own saving) after I read all the information from this forum I had the idea and I realized the problem he had; lack of coping skill, his poor, miserable childhood. I'm not perfect, but I have models, I know how my father and mother are together, they love each other, support each other...
I do love this man, he wasn't like this when we were young and we were together the early years. I chose to stand (he stopped pushing me for divorce since this January)
There was a period of time, I hate to see the mirror, can not recognize myself from the mirror, I asked 'who I am really' ??
He is quiet now, I enjoy doing things by myself and for myself, If I could I would love to help others. I work as volunteer for church, prepare food for the poor and started the language lessons, I enjoy reading, listening to music, I went to movie, walk or jogging after work. I even had the interests in dressing up a little. I was unhappy for years, living with him(MLCer) was a burden I have to say.
Knowledge is power ! Without the forum, I could not make it to where I'm now.
Hi Job,
I have a question;
what will happen and what is like to the person with it's original family(parents especially) where he had all trauma from when he eventually gets out of the tunnel from his midlife crisis ?
How will they reconciled ? Will they be reconciled ?
Babe,
Each situation is different. The MLCer could sit down and talk to the parents (if they are still alive) and then accept what happened. In some cases, the parents are deceased and there's no way to have that talk...but the MLCer may go to a therapist and work thru the issues and come to realize that he/she wasn't at fault for what transpired.
What I have found is that the MLCer needs to go back to the time that they were emotionally stunted and face those issues, accept that they weren't at fault and then continue on w/their journey. Let me just say this...accepting that they weren't at fault doesn't mean that the scars aren't there and they don't think about what happened. They live w/the knowledge each and every day, but if they can work thru those issues, the scars can fade into the background a bit. Their lives may or may not get better w/the knowledge and in some cases, they won't forgive the person(s) who stunted them emotionally w/their actions. Those individuals are usually the ones that remain stuck.
Some reconcile and others don't...it depends upon how both parties deal w/the issues that are raised.
Thank you Job for getting back to my question; 'reconcile' means the MLCer eventually forgive the one or both parents, will the bother be included ? It takes time and courage, doesn't it ?
He went to a therapist after he had me bombed(Sep.2014), they talked about nothing but how bad I was and the 'troubles' that our marriage caused ... I personally talked to his therapist for just one time, she told me all the problem could come from husband's dysfunctional family. However she can not had husband convinced of that and things just went wild immediately...
I pass the test of French (level I) and did great on that, I'm going to next level, there will be 14 weeks of lesson and will be started in two weeks (I'm very excited)
Babe,
Let's back up a bit. The parents aren't always the ones that stunted them emotionally. It could be another authority figure, i.e., a neighbor, family friend, teacher, etc., The MLCer has to go back to that time and revisit the situation that has been shoved deep down into their souls. They need to work through the hurt, anger, disappointment and come to realize that as a child, there is/was nothing he/she could do differently. They need to understand that they were not at fault for what happened. Whether they forgive the person in authority or is up to them, but they do need to revisit that time.
As for the therapist, I'm not surprised to read what you wrote. Many will go to a therapist and spin a story from their warped perspective of what has been going on. The therapist advises them what to do based on what they've been told and/or the patient will pick and chose what to hear from the sessions and apply to his/her own situation. There's no convincing them otherwise because he's not ready to listen.
Congratulations on passing the French test. Keep up the good work! Keep the focus on you!
Hi everyone and Job,
I am going to take the next level of French, the class starts next Thursday.
Tomorrow is husband's birthday, we had dinner tonight, we did not see each other for six months, this is the first time we meet since Feb. I try to be light, we shared some funny things.
He told me he will meet his old friend and will have dinner with hs elder brother(who works overseas), I think he is quiet down a bit, he bought me gift when he had a trip with his company this June.
I did not talk about 'coming home' 'what's your plan', I don't want to pressure.
One thing I noticed is that he no longer with the rages. I hope it is a good sign.
By the way, Job, I am grateful for your reply, as always !!!
Hey Job, Friday night, I had dinner with husband, he was very calm and tendered, I did not pressure him and was as light, friendly as I could.
Soon we're going to celebrate moon festival, today I visit his mother(I haven't been to his mother's place for 5 months) my mother in law told me, they had dinner last night and husband fought with her, I don't know if it's as you described, the MLCer regress to where/the time they got stunted and is trying to work on himself...
My mother in law is not an easy-going woman, so in past years, I try not to be too closed with her(frankly I don't like her) he loves her elder son more, my husband was mistreated since he was born. There are the feeling of hatred between mother and son. That's not something I can help or fix, what do I do? Keep the distance (I prefer)
Babe,
I'm glad the dinner went well w/your h on Friday evening. As long as you don't pressure him, he will be calm. The more he thinks you are putting pressure on him, the more emotional he will get and pull away. I think you've figured that one out...Right?
As for your MIL, go and be civil. You don't have to be distant or rude to the woman. If she asks you questions, answer them politely and do not share much of your personal life w/her. You can share the fact that you are taking French and how much you are enjoying it. Inquire as to what she's been up to and hopefully your time w/her will go rather quickly and you can return home.
There's nothing you can do to fix the son/mother relationship. The best advice is to stay out of it and allow them to figure things out on their own.
Keep the focus on you and your French studies.
Hi everyone,
I like to share something with you; last Thursday night, after class, husband texted me that he met his high school friend(male, I know that guy) they were having dinner and husband shared their photo with me which surprises me; he had not been 'friendly' for a really long time... Ever since bomb dropped, I became his enemy, I have no idea how much he hated me.
Think he is heading to good direction, he started in approaching his old friend, there was a time he wants 'new' friend only; including the OW, he was up to the new things, drinking and the things bring him excitement.
Also I forgot to mention when we had dinner together for his birthday, he brought me gifts that he bought when he had trip to Japan.
I kept my cool and act politely, I don't want to raise my expectation and be too excited. I will work this weekend as volunteer to the church and I study hard for new language.
Not sure the stage he is at ? I am friendly and I keep the distance, are there more dos/don't for me ?
Babe,
Don't worry about the stages. Be sure to thank him for whatever he does for you...that's important. Just enjoy the nice things he's doing and continue as you have been.
Dear Everyone,
Three more lessons to go, my 2nd level of french class will be over, I have exam next week and two business trips to go...
I did not contact husband for weeks, yesterday he texted me; he would pay the bill(that's the charge of whole year) of the service of internet for our apartment, what a surprise ! I then send him message with my gratitude.
I enjoy learning the language; I'll be working as volunteer at weekends of November for church.
Nicely done on responding back to your h's text.
Congratulations on almost completing the French class. Good luck on the exam!
Hi Everyone and Job;
I had exam of French class(level 2) and was very busy for weeks; I passed the exam and will be taking the class Jan.2017, am doing fine.
He stopped pushing me for divorce for ten months.
I recall the very last time he yelled when we had phone conversation, he said 「I just want to be left here and live by myself quietly !!!」he needs to be healed from past trauma, right ? yesterday it came to my mind the words he said and I read about it from this site, the MLCer needs to be healed from the past that has him haunted... certainly I wouldn't be the doctor nor the fixer, gradually I realize this.
I'm travelling to Japan for few days with my sister, I'm happy to have a short break before end on 2016.
Job,
It has been 11 months since H stopped pushing/forcing me for divorce, he never mentioned that after this Jan. but he isn't coming home. I don't think the relationship between the OW and him is going on. He texted back and pay the internet service of our apartment. Never yelling at me or verbally abusing.
I'm curious but only God knows at which stages he is now...
He kept his silence so am I, is this right ?
Had a very good trip to Tokyo and will go to French classes to next level next Jan. Still helping the French Priest as volunteer and found raising of a nursing center, I'm very proud I did a good job.
Babe,
Please don't worry about the stage he's in. The stages are just a guideline and nothing more. Try to remember that those stages are not linear, but they bounce back and forth in them.
Maybe he hasn't mentioned divorce because you've backed off and just left him be. I would continue as you have been, i.e., living your life to the fullest.
If you want to test the waters, you can wish him a Happy Holiday when the holiday gets closer...but nothing more. Treat him as you a friend and if he responds, then fine. However, if he doesn't, well then, chalk it up to something that isn't going to work and continue moving forward.
Keep the focus on you and leave your h in God's hands.
Dear everyone,
Husband stopped his threatening of divorce last Jan. We had dinner for his Birthday last Sep. After that I seldom contact him, we did not see each other for three months. By end of 2016 we had lunch for our wedding anniversary. Surprisingly, he came home with me, he left home for 18 months and never visited...
Later during my Birthday, he bought me a gift. I then ask him if he wants to drop by, he answered yes. He would come back to our apartment during weekend (we did not have sex) he is much friendly and would spend his weekend with me. I never ask "are you coming home" or "when will you come home", I learned not to pressure him for anything. And I never ask what had happened in past two years.
During week days, if I text him, he would answer.
We had a very old car, I'm not going to spend money to have it repaired, the car was under my name, actually he bought it 13 years ago. He mentioned "we should get a new car" like he is reconnecting with me and things of our life.
What's next ? What should I do particularly ? Or just stay as where I am ?
I did not post much but I miss everyone here and my prayer are with you people.
Babe,
You are doing all of the right things. I would continue as you have been and continue to listen, validate and affirm and be sure to thank him when he does things for you.
I think you are doing great! Keep up the good work!
I got it, Job !!!
I was alone at home Sunday evening; husband texted me, he told me his wallet was gone and he is getting a new one, he then send the image of the new wallet to me. It is a leather one with burgundy color... I remained calm and said 「that is cool, get a new one that you really like」
Can this be some kind of 'validation' or affirmation ? I used to stop him if he's purchasing something that I think is ugly... - -"
Babe,
He's sharing even though it's not much. He wants validation for the things he does. He's like a child who picks up his toys and says "mommy, I picked up my toys". Mommy says "that's a good boy, I'm proud of you".
Babe, you said exactly what you needed to say to him about the wallet.
You've got this!
Dear Everyone and Job,
Two months have just passed, thank God for his grace, things are going smoothly...
Almost every weekend of last two months, husband would come home and spent the weekend with me, I can tell from his action that OW is no longer there. I can feel that he is still changing but toward the right direction. He would smile at me sometimes joking around. I respect him if he wants to be alone by Saturday, we will just have lunch on Sunday. It is amazing that he is trying to 'pick up' the piece of our old life one at the time.
He started to remember the things we had together, those old memories and the places we've been to, the movie/restaurant we loved ...
I kept my mouth shut, never ask what happened last two or three years. He DID NOT apologize or say sorry but he is showing me more and more his feelings and emotions to my family and my friends. He let me hold his hand and hug him (he was cold and would reject if I got closer).
I did ask him if he wants to stay with me during weekdays, he refused and I will not force him, will let him do just what he wants to. I want him to feel safe and receive the warmth from our home.
Anything I should be awarded of or be doing ? I welcome him home no matter he 'apologized' to me or not, I hope he become a happy and mature man.
Now I'm at level three of my French lessons
Me - 43
H - 41
BD - Sep. 2014
H moved out - May 2015
Threatening divorce, no action for 14 months since Dec. 2014 to Jan.2016.
His older bother was the golden child of the family, my mother in low is handicapped and had emotional and marital issue. Husband told me he felt 'nothing was alright' ever since my granny passed away five years ago.
Babe,
Sounds like your h is slowly, very slowly, starting to warm up. I do hope that you are using some type of protection even though the ow may be out of the picture Your h may or may not be out pursuing other female interests during the week and I would hate to see you get that nasty gift that keeps on giving.
Keep up the good work!
Job, I see...
how will I know it or there's anything I could do to 'test' on that ?
Two things I noticed;
1) he haven't asked for his wedding band back
2) he doesn't keep the keys with him of our home, I open the door for him
If he is still be interesting in other women, then he is still 'replay' ?
I did not check anything, his phone, his bag...
I would not force anything. Take it slow. Proceed with no pressure and no expectations. Have fun. I do suggest not being available every weekend for meeting him. This is not test but is interesting to see if it has any affect on H. There is no fool proof test. Your best bet is your gut instinct.
It is great that you are able to resist checking his phone etc. That is no way to live. If you feel you have to then the R isn't working for you. Spying hasits place IMO when in a R and your gut says it is off. It should only be used to verify a hunch and not to monitor on an on going basis.
IMO it is not possible to reconcile without addressing what has happened.He needs to take responsibility for his actions and demonstrate he wants to make ammends. But that can wait for now, but should not be swept: under the rug.
Do not take him back without making ammends nor without healthy boundaries in place.
I am glad things are improving but thread carefully. The signs are good or at least better but the road is long.
Non courage mon amis etc meilleurs veoux
Babe,
I totally agree w/roist. Don't try to force anything, allow things to flow naturally. Just leave things be and enjoy the time you are spending w/him. Keep your space a safe haven for him.
As for him returning...he will need to do the necessary hard work in order for that to happen. He's going to have be transparent to you. In other words, he's going to have to be honest about his life and if an ow is in the picture, he's going to have to cut the ties to her. In other words, he has to win your trust back. If he returns, he is going to want to sweep things under the carpet and not talk about what happened...at some point, that conversation will need to take place.
When someone returns too soon, they haven't completed the necessary and hard work and feel like it's very easy to return and not have to address the elephant in the room. Both people have changed, therefore, the old marriage is gone and a new one begins...but it's a very long road before that happens.
Babe, continue as you have been and just leave things to unfold naturally.
Roist,
merci pour votre réponse, je vous remercie ! Bon courage !!
Job,
I will be careful and take it real slow, really slow. Thank you so much.
Hi All,
I notice something and would like to share it with you. While my husband was deep in the midlife crisis tunnel, he got himself so many outfits that are really not his style(you know, 41 year old man) those terrible shirts, a bit weird and extravagant style and pattern... I bought her two nice and simple shirts, he put them away. Recently, I notice he is wearing the shirts again.
Also he stopped saying 'I wanna buy this...' 'I want to get that... ' seems like the things in his mind are getting more and more calm.
I can say that he is still in transforming. It is still going on. I'm with great patience right now. I don't want him be half cooked !
It gets interesting seeing the changing and differences, I'm the witness of the transformation !!
Babe,
He is slowly, and I mean, slowly settling down. Dig deeper for patience and continue to observe and be a friend. Keep those expectations very, very low.
How are you doing?
Hi Job,
Sorry for not getting back.
I'm doing alright, the language lessons are going on, still working and very busy working as volunteer
Happy new year everyone and Job !!
I had a great holiday of chinese new year.
Husband comes home almost every weekend these 8 months, I don't think the other person is in picture, husband is coming back gradually, I can tell from his eyes and his move even his outfit... But I noticed something, he's been reconciled with his own parents prior than with me. Before entering his midlife crisis, he seldom visit his parents, maybe once or twice a year. But in past two years, I know he got closer to his family, am I observed right ?
I'm doing very well, live my life to the highest, learning language, reading and enjoy life much more !
me 44
h 43
no children
married 12 years
got bombed Sep. 2014
h moved May. 2015
stopped forcing me for divorce Jan. 2016 (never filed)
Babe!
What a surprise to come here today and see that you have posted.
Your h will reconcile with everyone before he will reconcile with you. Remember, you were the first to be "tossed aside", thus you will be the last person he will reconnect with. Sounds like he is slowly returning little by little. Keep doing what you are doing. Drop those friendship crumbs and allow him to gobble them up slowly, but surely.
I'm so glad you are enjoying life more and more. Keep up the good work!
Glad to read you are doing well Babe. I think the parental contact can sometimes be part of settling childhood wounds and issues too. Contact increasing or dropping off does seem to be a theme in some situations.
So good to read about the things you are doing. My advice would be stick with the stuff you love and keep expectations very low with your H. Time will tell how things will unfold and live life to the max in the meantime
Sotto and Job,
Yes, keep the expectations very low and be really patient, meanwhile I am feeling content with the things I've been doing these two years. I'm capable in doing anything now, I was too much depend on husband.
Husband is the second child and my father-in-law was abandoned by his own mother when he was only nine. Father-in-law is a quiet and an extremely self-oppressing person, husband and his father never interacted. Husband's brother was the golden child in the eyes of my mother in low...
It is hard to believe all these if I wasn't seen these myself, but I become more strong and am glad that I could give him the love unconditionally; and the time and space that he asked for 3.5 years when he bombed me (laugh)
Thank you for all the information of midlife crisis and depression; without these, I won't survive !
me 44
h 43
no children
married 12 years
got bombed Sep. 2014
h moved May. 2015
stopped forcing me for divorce Jan. 2016 (never filed)
Hi All,
Husband is going to travel to Seoul in two months, last week he asked me if I would like to go with him(!!) I was pretty surprised... I did not expect he would ask me to travel with him.
I'm not interesting in travelling to the city, but we did not travel together for five years, I would go. Is there anything I need to do/know before travel with a husband who's about coming out of midlife crisis (I hope that he is not far from the exit of the dark tunnel...)
definitely go, and make plans for doing things without him IF he is going for work.
More later, but this is a good sign and you want to appreciate his offer.
Babe,
Go and have fun. Leave the expectations at home and relax a bit. Be sure to thank him for inviting you on this trip when you return home.
Oui. J'ai compris !!
Thank you so much 25yearsmlc and Job;
I understand the things you're talking about.
Babe,
I’ll give a different point of view. W just asked me to go on a trip with her and I declined. Ask yourself the d b question. Will it make things better or worse? If better, absolutely go. But for me, the extended amount of alone time together I don’t think would be good for me and where we are right now. It just didn’t feel right so I declined. I think she was surprised. I think I even surprised myself.
Hi Gordie, I appreciate the idea you shared with me.
Husband is coming out of the tunnel step by step, thank God for his grace ! I have to say the past four years were the most horrible experience I had in my life. I'm the survivor from his crisis (everybody can !)
He might not need my help when stepping out from that crisis, I want to be the light and support when he needs it, husband and I are changed, the way we see things, the way we act/react. 'Growing' I should say, the mistake I made when I entered in marriage life with him was I stopped growing. I want things be still, without any change, which is impossible ! I must say I was hurtful and it was really painful when he was deep in the mist of crisis, the projection, the other women (there were two) the verbal abuse, the deny of our relationship... but I know it was not him, he was bundling with his terrible past.
He asked me for such short trip before he entered into his crisis, I always say 'No'. I was quite selfish, I only do things I like, I love, I enjoying doing. Now I would love to be the 'partner' when he wants to explore new things.
It is 100% ok for you to decline it. You do whatever you like and willing to
Wow Babe just read into your situation. You truly are the epitome of a PATIENT person. I hope that i can find the strength in me to be half the person you have been. Good luck and continue with what you are doing, seems to be working. And by all means go on the vacation and enjoy yourselves!!
Newly20, I learned from this board; three things be remembered - 1) Get a life of your own, like your spouse will never return.. I had problem in swallowing this, but I just have to focus on me, take good care of yourself. 2) Patient, it requires patient, dig deep and don't give up. 3) keep the expectation to zero, even now, I'm reminded by a lot of people here
Don't lose heart !!!!!
Babe,
Very well said. There is one more point...read the advice, take from the advice what you can apply to your own situation.
Hi everyone, I noticed few things, I don't know they are bad or good... I'm fine, husband comes back during weekend, we do don't see each other during weekdays. Recently, if he doesn't feel like coming, I won't ask him to.
These few months, he complained his job, however he is turning 43 this fall, he doesn't think he could get the job he likes now. I have no option to offer and I don't want to either. All I could do it 'listen' he talks.
Another thing; he cursed his mother few times 'better to die', thus I suspect his mother is the 'authority figure'... Still, I feel his regression a bit these days.
Most of the times, he's been doing much better in every ways. I'm continuing my language class and live my life in a calm and peaceful way.
Hello everyone, I'll be leaving for the trip with husband in two days. I'll see what happen during the trip and meantime I will still keep the expectation to zero and enjoy my time in Seoul !
Babe
Enjoy your trip
You as others have said are amazingly patient
Four years is a long time
God bless
Babe,
Enjoy your trip and definitely keep your expectations to zero. Travel safely and can't wait to hear how your trip went.
Thanks Gordie and Job !!
I got back from Seoul, it was a 4 days trip and was quite wonderful. We did not travel together outside of our country for five years...
Most of the time we work like a team when we travel together; he is good at checking the maps or find the entrance/correct exit of metro. I find good restaurant or cafe for food and nice meals
It was really good to travel with him.
There were three nights there, we did not have sex. I don't know when men are at the last stage of midlife crisis, how they feel, treat and see sex or the intimate relationship with his spouse.
One thing that really bothers me was he was there for a concert of pop music female group, I'm so embarrassed, a man in 44, so into the young girls singing and dancing. besides this, everything is fine.
He was quite caring during the entire trip.
He is still living in his apartment, when I arrived home, texted him, thank him for the wonderful trip(he paid the flight and hotel) I had a great time there with him. He responded, he was happy to have me as companion for this trip.
He sounds like a teenage boy
Minus the sex drive
Or maybe the teenage boy who is really nervous around girls
I have no idea how my MLCer feels about sex either
So i am trying to just be very patient with no expectations
Glad the trip went well with no drama
Babe,
I am glad you had a nice time. It sounds like he's still thinking of himself as a "young man" of the world. He's still got a ways to go and it could be another year or so. Keep those expectations at zero.
Gordie, without drama and I enjoy my time there
I think husband needs time still... but I'm total fine with the way I live now.
Job, it's like there is a 13 years old boy and 44 years old man existing at the same time, it does make people confusing... sometimes he would act just like a teenager(but the time gets lesser) sometimes he is the man I know for decades. STILL - I'll keep my expectation to it's minimum !
Thanks so much !!!
Husband gave me surprise last Saturday... In past 12 months, he would come home during weekend, I need to open the door for him, he actually had the keys, but he told me he lost all of them.
Last Saturday, he opened the door himself with the set of old keys he's got. I was calm and behaved as usual, but my heart shouted hallelujah !!!
Still, I act very very calm
Babe, I am so glad you checked in. I follow your posts and love your very clear faith and patience. I think you are right that that was a beautiful sign of his feelings of comfort and trust, and that your being calm was the perfect way to not pressure him.
First thing; Gerda, thank you for stopping by(hug).
I'm doing fine, some friends suggest that I ask husband to move back. He moved out of our apartment now for 3 years. I don't think it's a good idea and I did follow anyone's opinion. I trust in my Lord, think He has the best plan and the most good timing when it talks about coming home of my husband. Secondly, Midlife crisis is a very unique issue, very few people could understand this journey I had with my husband. If not I had 4 years of experience of his mlc, I wouldn't believe such thing...
I learned from some old and new posts, I found my husband might be the 'passive aggressive' type of man. I didn't know this and I'm thinking he is not yet came out of the crisis so the passive aggressive feature is that obvious ? or he just had it hidden when we got married ? He is good at having his true emotions, it came from his family and how he was brought up... he had a dysfunctional family. If he comes out of the crisis successfully, will he be a happier man and more healthy mentally ?
He is good at having his true emotions 'hidden'
Babe, I love what you wrote here. I always love what you write! What I always feel from your posts is the this huge light that is manifested in your kindness and your patience and your reliance/trust in God. That is how I want to be, and whenever I get close to it, I feel that peace that you seem to radiate even when you are sad.
The other day I was leading the rosary at my church, I had never done that and am a convert and not so used to it, so I was nervous, but in the second decade, I suddenly felt this shift inside me, I felt this flood of peace come over me, I looked up at the parishioners for a moment and I felt this jolt of joy and a PRESENCE, of Mary I guess, that lasted for the rest of the rosary, three decades and all the prayers. Afterwards my friend told me that she looked up at me while I was up there and that my face was totally radiant and glowing and that I looked so beautiful. (Not because I am beautiful personally, I am not but it was something interior).
Something about your post made me remember that moment. Even here where you have a question and some confusion, you radiate some kind of light.
I always wonder the same thing. I am waiting for so long for my H and he seems to have had a second BD and be in some ways worse than ever, very very crazy. Like you I begin to think about what parts of him were just who he always was without my noticing or considering it, and which parts are part of the MLC alien. I am not sure but I did decide that it's too much for me to consider and that I should just rely on God to fix what He wills to fix. Some days I am as patient as you and some I let myself fall into despair and impatience. What bothers me the most is that my son has really unraveled. That is where at times I do question God's will. But if I can trust God, I can be sure that I am the best mother my son could have, and that all I can do is keep loving him and being as much of a light as I can for as long as his dad is in darkness.
What is happening with you and your H these days?
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee - Isaiah 54:5-7
Gerda, these are the chapter and verses I like to give them to you. In the depth of despair, I count on no one but my Lord. He comfort me, gave me the strength.
I have problem in recalling who ever posted the information, it really helped me as a stander - the 'Rejoice Marriage Ministries'.
I had lunch with husband Sunday, after lunch, we went to an art exhibition; spent two hours there. No problem in getting alone with him. However he mentioned few times in past six months, how his mother treated him when he was 8 or 10 years old or when he became a teenager. It is hard for me to believe that a mother could treat her own son like that. She was mean to husband and husband was her punchbag every time her mother got angry at things no matter it related to my husband or not. It is like mother was bully at her son...
Husband said 'don't blame me if I'm ruthlessly to them...' I kept my silence since I don't know how to express the feeling I have and my empathy to him.
Shall I just listen to what he says or I could say something to console ?
Babe,
You are doing a great job. He feels safe talking to you and may not want you to make a lot of comments over what he is saying. Continue to listen and if you feel the need to say something, just say "I'm sorry that happened".
Oh wow, Babe, I wish I had seen your reply to me a long time ago, I totally missed it! Thank you so much for this gift! I will print it out and carry it in my purse and look at it whenever I get confused. Thank you, my friend!
I have this same problem when my H tells me about his horrify gin childhood, of not knowing how much to respond lest it annoy him. In my case, though, I have known about most of it all our M and it has helped me to stand during MLC.
I agree with Job though I think it's okay to be more specific about what you hear as your way to comfort -- e.g., "I'm so surprised that a mom could do that to her child. That sounds so hard." Or "I could see why you would not want to forgive her after that."
And then go into your closet after and pray for God to soften his heart and release him from the slavery of unforgiveness and bitterness.
XO to Babe, the sweetest soul on the boards!
It's heartbreaking to hear the childhood stories that unfold. It's even more amazing to know how they kept it inside and hidden for all those years. Coupled with their poor coping skills, it's all a ticking time bomb. But he's an adult and its up to him to remedy it within himself.
Stay strong.
Gerda, don't give up on praying for husband's heart, his heart will be healed through our Lord's hand; also, pray that God would have his heart softened. He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
HaWho, I try to take the neutral attitude toward my mother-in-law after those terrible stories been told by my husband... a boy was so isolated and grown up all alone, sometimes he was bullied by his own mother and brother. I don't want to know the detail honestly, although I don't have children, I'm not interested in raising kids; I won't treat a young boy like that. Guess after I had the knowledge of MLC and the true story of my husband's childhood, I not just want to forgive my husband but want him find peace and be really happy.
Babe,
You have the right attitude about not only wanting to forgive your husband, but also wanting him to find peace and be happy.
Keep up the good work!
Dear Everyone,
my last post was from two 2 months ago, time flies. I was busy and things are fine !
Husband and I spent a weekend at the east coast for his birthday at beginning of Sep. It was a fun trip, weather was nice, it is our tradition that we spend our weekend for his birthday there. After his birthday, he said he is busy, he didn't come home in past three weeks. He would text back when I leave him a message and he had me notified when he is not coming to our apartment for weekend, I'm very grateful for this, I think he is recovering from crisis but is moving very slowly.
If he is not coming, I'll just go to my language class, to church or I do anything and everything for myself.
I'm now 4 years after bomb dropped, look back, what a journey I had...
Babe,
Reconnecting takes a long time. It takes as much time for them to come out the other side as it took for them leading up to the crisis.
Only text him if you have something important for him to weigh in on. He may need some space after spending the weekend away celebrating his birthday. This is so very normal because they think that their emotions warmed up too much too soon and then they have to back off a bit and "not give you the impression that they are warming back up to you".
Keep up the good work!
Job,
Thank you so much ! I appreciate every advice you gave me in past years.
I keep things light, simple and quiet, although they are having crisis they are not stupid... oh by the way, I'm not at level 8 of my french lesson, I had exam month ago and I got pretty good grade
I am just now reading his thread for the first time, and your faith keeps me inspired. Although I am early in this process, with H moving out only this week, I too am praying the God will find a way into his heart so he can begin to heal and find peace ....something I'm not sure he ever has had. I am turning my life over to HIM, and pray that I continue to make the right choices that keeps me on the path HE has laid out for me. It sure helps to share the burden! Good luck on your journey!
Grace, I'm so sorry you are here, sorry that your husband moved out... (mine moved out at June 2015 and is not coming home yet) you will survive this even now it seems everything is hopeless. Our God is great, just you remember this, nothing is too hard for our Lord!!
Please learn about MLC as much as possible from this forum, here you will find the most useful knowledge and the great people who contribute selflessly, once you have the knowledge and tools, you will be able in solving the problem husband might throw to you.
Please take care of yourself and your financial. Here's my favorite verse to you - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Babe, I was so excited to see you posted. I love your posts and get so much strength from your faith.
My situation has gotten dark beyond bearing, as my H filed and is going after children, everything, but lives here and refuses to leave. I have no money for a lawyer, trying to navigate this morass to protect my children but not become a slave to the world either.
I was given Joshua 1:9 several times in the last month, so I am leaning on it always.
If you have a chance to visit my thread, I would love to get your take as you have so much trust in God and are so loving.
Grace, I'm so sorry you are here, sorry that your husband moved out... (mine moved out at June 2015 and is not coming home yet) you will survive this even now it seems everything is hopeless. Our God is great, just you remember this, nothing is too hard for our Lord!!
I am surprised to learn your H moved out 3 years ago! I am the one who told him I thought it best he move out so he can figure out if he wants to work on the R, or move on. I sometimes wonder whether I should have done that, since now it might be easier just to move on. I just pray daily that God is putting forth decisions for me to move me along HIS path for me and my marriage, and that I make the right choices! Week 1 was filled with activities, so I am doing o.k. Peace to you.
Grace,
Sorry I was busy, but I like to leave a message to you, please take care of yourself and try to focus on you first. I know there are so much things come and go in your head right now, it is pretty normal... I know it seems impossible, but please start to get a life, to do the things for yourself mainly !
I recall that it is not encouraged to ask husband moving out, they are deep in the crisis, if he is not moving, don't force him. Knowing it is very difficult to live with the monster under the same roof right now. I pray our Lord would lead you and strenthens you.
My heart was broken when he told me he want to move out, I try to reason with him, I urge him to stay, non of them works, he said he needs time and space (they really do). After he moved out, that was 10 months after bomb dropped. I start to pull myself all together. I live alone, I went to church alone, I worked as volunteer alone. Later I found peach. I started language lessons that I always want to. It is not easy for me to live alone after all we've been together over ten years. I can not stop his crisis, I could not fix him but God can, so, I leave him to God.
Instead of ask him out, why not focus on you ? Do no seize on praying, the whole process takes time, you will survive !!
Instead of ask him out, why not focus on you ? Do no seize on praying, the whole process takes time, you will survive !!
He's been out a week now. I have little contact with him except brief text messages here and there. An I am seriously focusing on me! Have plans most nights of the week - either exercise class, church, or dinner with friends. I've got lots of projects at the house too. An I pray!!!
Grace, You're doing pretty good, I know how it feels, must be sad and frustrated right now. It is normal, at the beginning I did not know what to do day by day, week by week... after a while (ten months) I realize how I should move on and start to do the things I like and I enjoy doing. You will find it, don't push yourself to hard meantime I hope with God's power and our praying, you'll feel free and safe in Lord's hand.
I like to thank Virginia for her help; I lost my password last week...
Although I did not receive email from the system, today I recall my logging name and my correct password
Thanks, Virginia for getting back to me !
Virginia is the best! Glad you are back online! How are you doing?
Job and Everyone,
Husband and I traveled together for three days back in Sep. for his birthday. We 'met' each other few times the entire Sep. and Oct. He told me he is busy(I'm total fine). I'm friendly and calm when he told me he will not coming home for weekend. My expectation is down to the its minimum.
My language lesson is going well and I'm pretty happy and grateful for I have a good teacher and new friends from class. I have to confess that sometimes I have the thought - I'm happy living all alone, I work normally, I have plenty of time in doing the things I like, I don't have to serve the meals, I take care of myself and my days are simple and easy without him (my god, I said it...)
I'm grateful cause when I look back. This is the time when he bombed me 4 years ago. I was in h@ll day and night. He blamed me for everything, he could find ton of things that I did wrong. He had infatuation with a young girl at work and he acted just like a 18 years old high school boy. I still feel the fear once had when I was with him in the same space, I asked myself thousand times 'this is the same person I knew(I married) ?' I appreciate all the helps from church, friends, family and this forum in past four years !!
me 44
husband 43
no kids
married 2006
bomb dropped Sep. 2014
husband moved out May. 2015
come to our apartment during weekend since 2017
Last night, husband texted me, he forward bunch of pictures of reunion of his primary school mates. They've knew each other over 30 years. When he entered into his crisis 4 years ago, he never contacted any old friends, the young colleagues and new friends were filled in his mind night and day...
I answered his text - 'say hi to Mrs. Yvonne for me' (his teacher, an old lady who joined the dinner) and husband said - yes, I will.
This is a good one, isn't it ? it's good that he has connection with old friends
Babe, always happy to see you! You are a light to me!
That really does sound good as far as the stages. Let's pray that God uses that reunion!
My H made contact with old friends, and they are devout Catholics (one is a priest), so I was glad for that same reason you mention. But then they encouraged him to D -- or at least he convinced them to be on board whole-hog -- and one one of them, my kids' godfather, paid for a lawyer for him. Now I worry about all three of them, they are clearly on a dark path spiritually. I still wonder if his reconnecting with them was part of the MLC stage or was simply desperation borne of needing money, his main reason to D.
Anyway, I am happy for you and always very impressed by your patience, which "surpasseth understanding"!
XO from Gerda
Babe,
He is definitely starting to wake up a bit by being in touch with old friends, etc. Yes, it is very good that he is connecting w/old friends. He's taking things slowly and that's far better than rushing.
Take care of yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone; I'm grateful for this forum and the help you gave me (big heart) !!!
Babe,
I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. I always smile when I see your postings. You've worked hard to understand the concept of MLC and have been patient throughout your entire walk. You've grown so much and I am proud of the way that you have moved forward and allowed your h to come to you.
Keep up the good work!
Time flies, Sunday I had lunch with husband for our wedding anniversary. Even when he was deep in his crisis back in 2014 and 2015, we went to the same restaurant for lunch. This is the traditional event before Christmas.
He spoke things gently and he shared more with me, mostly the job and the office matters. When we were having lunch, he answered a phone call, later after lunch he told me (I'm pretty impressed) last weekend he saw an accident of two motors on a bridge, there are other people around, since they were the witness, they stayed at where they were and call the police and waited for the ambulance. They stopped the car from driving for it might be more danger. In past, husband was the cold one, he never want to get in trouble and will not spend his time on this... so when he told me, I was surprised and I validated.
He also got me a gift, I'm very grateful !
He never mentioned that when he will be moving back, I never asked.
Babe,
Continue as you have been. When he's ready, he will slowly begin the move back home. Right now, he's enjoying your company and you've done an amazing job of being patient and a good listener. Keep up the good work. I am very proud of you!
Yes, total inspiration, Babe. You really do trust God so much. I hope I can be like that one day!
The key is to have faith in God, but also, as a reminder, God provides us with tools and puts people in our paths to help us along the way.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
New Thread:
I get it