Hi all. Here is a letter I wrote to h for my therapy. I haven't sent it but one day I will read it to him.
I don't understand how we got here. We were good together, strong. You said we didn't have any common goals anymore. I thought we had an important one, bringing up our children together to be happy secure adults.
When you said you didn't love me anymore I couldn't cope with it. Remember I was having a hard time at work , so you saying that pushed me over the edge and no I didn't handle it very well...I did shout.
If you could've just told me how you were feeling we could have sorted this. You know you could have even told me about the other woman and I would've listened and we could have talked it out.....and we wouldn't be here now...you know in your heart that is true.
But whatever you tell yourself...every time you spoke to her about us, after you decided you were unhappy you hammering more nails into the coffin of our marriage.
I loved you. I never even thought about it. No it wasn't a fluttery feeling it was. Caring for you, raising our kids together, supporting you, committed to you, that was what loving you was for me. It jus was .
I truly loved the man I married. He was kind, gorgeous, thoughtful. Wouldn't hurt a fly.
This one now, with everything that's happened I unfortunately don't recognise.
If the man I married shows up again, don't text me , but give me a ring, it would be nice to speak to him again.
Oops forgot to add,
I will forgive you. It would be nice if you ask me for forgiveness but you won't yet. But will on my own for the sake of our children and their future.
Your letter was very heart felt and you are right...keep it safely tucked away because one day, you'll be able to give it to him.
What are your plans for today?
Lovely letter Mia, it hit a cord with me as it felt like it could be addressed to my H too. I am writing letters for him too, but mine are nowhere as civilised as yours, and I definitely did not intend most of them for him to see, just fo me to take things of my chest.
Hi Mia, I think Ive only posted once to your threads but I follow them and just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.
Thank you Kyh.
It was mixed. Spoke to my mil yesterday as she sent me a card.
Most of it was chit chat, was very careful not to go into things but t she brought up and kept saying that her son was an idiot and she can't believe what he's done and ow must have manipulated it all. It was comforting to know his own mother thinks he's been daft but I was clear to point out that at the end of the day her son made his own choices.
Also comforting to know that she doesn't think much of ow.
She also said he's infatuated with her..well infatuation doesn't last does it.
Also told her he's taking me to mediation and she just kept saying he's not thinking
I'm going to ring docs today, I think I need to go on some happy pills for my own sanity through all this
Hi Mia, I'm glad you had a helpful convo with MIL. I agree, it pays to say little yourself but it's interesting that she doesn't agree with her son's actions. That alone makes it hard for R's that begin in A's to survive. Imagine none of your family wanting to meet your GF because that R began with tearing apart your family?
Hope you managed to have a reasonable day on your birthday and glad to hear you are going to the dr. If taking meds for a while helps and your doctor agrees then sounds like a good plan. Many on here have posted that being on ADs temporarily helped them through the worst parts.
You are doing well and just keep on getting up everyday, moving forward and leaving your H to the bed of nails he created (he just doesn't realise it yet - think's it's a deluxe feather mattress right now but that will change for sure....)
Xx
H has also apparently said to his mother that he doesn't want to drive all the way to see her with kids as he spends very little time with kids as it is and he didn't want to waste time in the car!! Reality biting then.
I assume this is why he wants mediation....he is missing the kids and believes he will get more access. Unlikely .
This is his reality. He decided to not love me any,ore, he decided to walk out and move in with her rather than dealing and improving what he had. Ultimately he may have ow but I am starting To see that his day to day life probably isn't a bed of roses where the kids are concerned. As I have said before I think he thought he could have the best of both worlds.....but nope.
He has also allowed his mum to book a holiday with the kids and him...but it seems that falls on my weekend!! ....what a prat
No, it's not a bed of roses for him at this time. They all thought the pot of gold was at the end of the rainbow and everything was pixies and unicorns...but it isn't.
As for his mother sharing info w/you...be careful of that. She may be telling you this stuff to see what your reaction will be and then relaying it to him.
So, now the offer of the children spending time w/you for Mother's Day has come to light...his mother has booked a holiday with him and the kids on your weekend. That explains why he thought of you on that special day. Did you advise her that the trip is booked on your weekend to have the kids? If not, you should have and requested that it be changed. In some cases, they will use someone else to do their dirty work for them and so he figured you wouldn't ask his mother to change the dates, i.e., you would go along with him having them on your weekend. Gosh...he's a real piece of work.
Whatever he believes he thinks he'll get w/mediation, well, that could change and whatever is agreed upon in the way of visitation will need to be adhered to. Maybe he thinks that if he has the children more the child support will lessen. I can't imagine the ow wanting your children there more often than not, but again, if it's to prove to him that she's willing to do whatever it takes to keep him, she might go along w/more time w/the children for a while...but I can't see this continuing for a long time.
No, it's not a bed of roses for him at this time. They all thought the pot of gold was at the end of the rainbow and everything was pixies and unicorns...but it isn't.
As for his mother sharing info w/you...be careful of that. She may be telling you this stuff to see what your reaction will be and then relaying it to him.
So, now the offer of the children spending time w/you for Mother's Day has come to light...his mother has booked a holiday with him and the kids on your weekend. That explains why he thought of you on that special day. Did you advise her that the trip is booked on your weekend to have the kids? If not, you should have and requested that it be changed. In some cases, they will use someone else to do their dirty work for them and so he figured you wouldn't ask his mother to change the dates, i.e., you would go along with him having them on your weekend. Gosh...he's a real piece of work.
Whatever he believes he thinks he'll get w/mediation, well, that could change and whatever is agreed upon in the way of visitation will need to be adhered to. Maybe he thinks that if he has the children more the child support will lessen. I can't imagine the ow wanting your children there more often than not, but again, if it's to prove to him that she's willing to do whatever it takes to keep him, she might go along w/more time w/the children for a while...but I can't see this continuing for a long time.
My MIL would call me and talk for hours, telling me what an idiot H was. She then would tell H everything AND would tell H she didn't want to be around me as she felt uncomfortable. (I read all the texts from MIL to H so I know exactly what was said)
She had no problem visiting H at OW house & staying the night there. She welcomed OW at family outings....
Be VERY careful! I might even suggest if she brings up the topic to gently say that you would rather not think about that topic right now.
To be honest I don't think she's that devious...she has been through a nasty divorce herself and is very empathetic.
Although I imagine h may have engineered that mil tell me .
I didn't know for definitive it was my weekend yesterday but I do now. But yes unbelievable how he agreed to this holiday without consulting me..
The chances of him increasing access is unlikely. He lives an hour away so can't have them in the week and he gets holidays anyway. Financially he pays the bear minimum in child maintenance...not much reduction possible.
I imagine life is not as rosy too. When he has the kids most of the time it seems he is out with them on his own...not her. That would get my back up eventually.
He is such an idiot. The more I think about it why would I want the idiot back anyway. He's acted like a complete twit.
Mia,
Your MIL may not be that devious, but blood is thicker than water and trust me, she tells him some of what you talk about. She may not have been aware that the trip was schedule on your weekend w/the children, but you do need to ask her to change it since it is your regularly scheduled time to be w/your children. He knew exactly what he was doing when this trip was scheduled and he most likely wasn't planning on telling you himself...thus...mommy told you. He knew you wouldn't put up a fight and stand your ground w/his mommy. He's not stupid by any means.
Your h had choices and he's made the wrong ones, i.e., whether he's happy or not...that's on him. However, you have choices too and you need to make sure that you are happy w/whatever choices you make or thinking of making. Count to ten or wait 24-48 hours before making any decisions and then you'll be much calmer and ready to make a choice that is right for you. I use this method on many of the choices that I have to make and it really does work.
OMG, I can't agree with job any more than I already do! I've used that same "pause" of 24-48 hours and it has been a very effective thing to learn both with my ex and her h, as well as just life in general. Very useful to do that. It gives you time to make sure your choices are yours and you are making choices you can live with. That's really important, don't you think?
Looks like job is a moderator now. Good choice!
AJ
Job, did you quietly become a moderator....or did I just miss it?? I agree with AJ - great choice!!
To be honest I don't think she's that devious...she has been through a nasty divorce herself and is very empathetic.
My MIL has been super supportive so far, so maybe there are exceptions? However, I agree with everyone else, be careful, at the end of the day people let you down when you don't expect it. If my H's MLC taught me anything it is that even the people we trust hurt us. If your H hurt you, what stops your MIL to do the same?
He is such an idiot. The more I think about it why would I want the idiot back anyway. He's acted like a complete twit.
I also agree with this. They don't make themselves the "catch of the day" really do they? I find that I have to invest a lot of energy into not dumping him, a lot of reading and thinking of my kids. It is so hard though, isn't it?
He dropped the kids yesterday after McDonald's and went on about mediation again. I texted him to say that any conversation in future about this need to be done in person, not by text or phone, but not on doorstop when dropping off kids.as it was inappropriate .
He texted to say he didn't think it was inappropriate any more so than the things I'd said in front of kids.
Always comes back with a dig. I admit I may have said things in past but only after everything he has done. I was angry but he loves to dig it in.
Nothing I have ever said or done is as awful as what he has done to the kids by walking out and then moving in with own6 months later. Is it?
But in his eyes he has done nothing wrong, so you making comments that he perceives as awful, justify his behaviour.
did he mention anything about Mother's Day?
Should I respond to his text saying something on the lines of stop the digs, nothing I have said or done has caused as much hurt to the kids as your choices over the past year.
Part of me thinks respond but the rational part says don't be silly.
Mother's Day? Do you mean the holiday that his mother has booked on my weekend?
Hi Mia, I think going with the rational part of you is a good plan here & let go on any response. He will think what he things and text as he will - doesn't mean you need to get drawn in and defend yourself. If you do that, I think things just spiral downwards - well, you did this that was awful - well you did that etc.
And in terms of interactions about the kids, I would minimise these - essentials only - and model how you would like these to take place. Can I ask, if you want them to take place face to face but not with the kids there, how does that work? Wouldn't that involve you meeting separately?
Well the thing is when he's on the phone he's patronising and text he's an Arse. He hides behind these things...but face to face he can't be a dick as it were.
Face to face means he has to actually deal with reality.....me......it could mean meeting in the hotel bar down the road. I could get a friend to watch my youngest.
He actually expects me to pay half if he has to do my mediation again. Is he for real. He walked out...doesn't pay for our home yet, spends money kitting out the rooms the kids sleep in 2 nights a fortnight in his rented place.....but expects me to split the cost to mediate for something he already has....child access!!
Mother's Day? Do you mean the holiday that his mother has booked on my weekend?
Yes sorry, I thought it was booked for Mother's Day
He wants you to pay for something he... Wants? Really? It must be nice living in MLCland, is he for real?
Well I sorted out the mediation, and transferred my notes to his. Can't believe we are here. What is he doing.
Yes the last year or so in lite ' marraiage' has been awful but it's his doing. I can accept my part in maybe taking him for granted etc but all this. Can't get my head around it.
How can he be happy not seeing his kids everyday? He is mad. But I must be terrible if he'd prefer to stay with her over building back his relationship with me , even if it is just to be with his kids.
Hi Mia, well done sorting out the mediation. Any time you think - can't believe we're here etc - can't get my head around it - just go back and review your MLC reading - and you'll think, ah yes I understand.
It is important to understand our part - taking for granted etc and think about how we would want to 'be' in a R next time around - either with him or some other lucky guy.
I don't believe he's mad or that you must be terrible. Neither of those are the case if he is in MLC. Do you think we must all have been terrible too if our H's choose to stay with OW? No, we're pretty nice women who weren't perfect spouses and weren't terrible either. Do keep reading about MLC and challenge your own thoughts when they go in directions like 'I must have been terrible' - that simply isn't the case.
Hope you are enjoying the nice weather this weekend xx
Hi , my youngest and I have been enjoying the lovely weather. We've washed the car, weeded the garden, built a bbq....all yesterday and I ache all over today lol.
It's just sad that our kids are having to miss out on a 'normal' family life because of h choices and behaviours. H is so stupid
How can he be happy not seeing his kids everyday? He is mad. But I must be terrible if he'd prefer to stay with her over building back his relationship with me , even if it is just to be with his kids.
Mia please don't think this way, you did nothing wrong!
Some great advice from Sotto, re-reading all the MLC stuff will help you by reminding you that even though you are responsible for your relationship too, you are not responsible for his MLC which is the main reason behind the madness.
I've read and read. And yes he follows the pattern of behaviours described.
Is it weird that sometimes I wish ' why couldn't you have just had an affair, get found out, then beg for forgiveness'...and that would've been preferable to this.
I can not fathom how he can be 'happy' living with ow and her child...but not his own. The lengths he goes to get to see the kids ( no one stops him he just perceives that I do) must mean he is feeling the loss of not being with them
Another thing that plays on my mind....ow, does she not get sick of how much time he sees the kids or is she just playing the 'dutiful' ow to show him how wonderful she is
Mia, OW is on her best behaviour as she knows your H has left you to be with her so I'm guessing that must be in the back of her mind that might happen to her too! I know it's hard because I'm doing the same but stop focusing on her.
Mia, OW is feeling special. Your H makes OW feel good, remember the 'high' your H feels from a new relationship OW also feels. She isn't thinking that he could do the same to her right now because she has those rose colored glasses on. They are BOTH living on the 'high' of a new relationship. This high will fade, it will take a long time for some & others it fades quickly.
They are not facing LIFE... for example, my H didn't even know if OW had a car payment or not on her SUV that appears to be newer... that's how superficial their relationship was, they never discussed any real life bills/responsibilities.
I know I should stop obsessing. Mainly I feel for our kids. They are missing out on family life because he has been an idiot.
If he was unhappy why didn't he do something constructive rather than say I don't love you. I don't think he thought about the consequences of his stupidity.
I know I should stop obsessing.
(I agree it's helpful to minimise focus on him - ie: what you can't control - and maximise focus on you - ie: what you can control. People post about using 'big red stop signs' in their minds and elastic bands on their wrists - snap - when they do start obsessing. Filling your own life with nourishing and enjoyable things genuinely helps too.)
Mainly I feel for our kids. They are missing out on family life because he has been an idiot.
(Yes, we don't have kids together, but there has inevitably been an impact on SS and I feel sad for him. The main thing here is to focus on what you can give to them - ie: a stable 'new' family existence. I agree it's not ideal and I in no way support your H's poor choices. But I think if you can 'be there' for them and support them to maintain a R with their Dad, these are the main things.)
If he was unhappy why didn't he do something constructive rather than say I don't love you.
(I think whilst in replay, MLCers tend to raze their former lives to the ground. They want nothing to do with them and tend to pretty much dump them in the trash and walk away, seemingly without a care. It's astounding, but I've seen it time and time again on this forum. In time, many/most MLCers begin to feel the consequences and may come to truly miss what they had. But in how much time - who knows - hence the 'wait without waiting' and live your life 'as if (he's never coming back)' advice.
I don't think he thought about the consequences of his stupidity.
(I'm pretty sure he didn't. Remember, MLCers tend to act purely on emotion. They don't rationalise things and go with what makes them feel good. It is only as time passes that their poor choices catch up with them and what seemed like 'gold' (ie: R with OW) tends to turn to dust.)
Now then lovely - you're still ruminating on things you can't control (which I do understand - none of this is easy by any means.) However, do try and get a balance of focusing on you and recognise the futility of pondering about him over and over. It is freeing to recognise there's not much you can do for him just now, other than to step back. let him live his poor choices and live your own life.)
Take care and hope you have the best week possible xx
Thanks Sotto, work will be a distraction.
If he was unhappy why didn't he do something constructive rather than say I don't love you.
Mia, maybe he wasn't even as unhappy as he now claims he was. He wants to justify the reasons that "forced" him into the OW's arms, and he will shift all the blame to you. He will claim that YOU didn't meet his needs, that YOU made him unhappy and that basically everything that ever went wrong in your relationship or the history of humanity for that matter is all YOUR fault. I'm trying to not believe the things my H told me to justify why he felt that our relationship was not working, but some of it was really hurtful and even though I know they were not true, they often pop in my thoughts. For example he claimed that I stopped being interesting. Now you can call me many things, and I have many faults, but boring is probably not one of them.
I'm really sorry that his stupidity affects the kids, I cannot even imagine how hard that would be. My H was rational enough to take all his madness/irrationality/MLC/depression out on me, but he had the decency to keep things normal for the kids, and to try to work things out (probably for the sake of the kids).
Your children are lucky to have you though, and it seems to me that you will fight for their happiness no matter what.
Esame, did your h leave?
I regret the shouting I did to him after bd.
When I look back I was a bit depressed anyway with stuff that was going on with work and my h added bombshell was too much to take for me.
How are you doing Mia?
Rouky, I removed your earlier posting since you stated you had pressed the button too early.
I'm ok...just rung up to confirm his mediation appt and they want me to pay £171. I just said that he wanted this so he can pay. Don't get me wrong , I want it sorted but fathom to see why I should pay so much money for a child access appt that he already has when he doesn't want to discuss finance.
Am I being unreasonable here?
Mia,
I really don't blame you for telling them that he can pay the bill. He's the one that wants this...then let him pay for it.
No, I don't think you are being unreasonable.
Have rung the mediator and explained the situation. They have texted him to ask if he can pay. I can't imagine he will say yes.
I also reckon he'll mention something when he picks up kids this evening....but I will remain calm. And state that this is a conversation between him and the mediator as this is what he wants.
Well don't want to speak too soon, but this weekend is the first weekend the kids aren't here and I'm not crying ( yet) . Have instead cleaned the downstairs of the house and painted the utility room. H just sat there and smoked and drank in there the last couple of months so it was gross so repainting it was therapeutic.
Still think he is a. Complete idiot ( as does everyone else) ....but I am starting to believe that things aren't as rosy with him. He hasn't got his kids and I think this pushing for mediation for access is demonstrating his realisation of what it means not to see his kids everyday. Not great.
Not saying this changes anything but there's a certain good feeling that he maybe finally experiencing the consequences of his selfish cruel actions.
After I've eaten my lunch I plan to go and buy more paint. And maybe sit and have a coffee in a coffee shop. Not a big coffee drinker but gets me out of the house so as not to dwell.
I'm glad to see that you are finding things to help you work through your situation. Painting can be so therapeutic and just look at the results! A fresh new room comes into being after painting. You should be proud of yourself.
Keep up the good work. I think you will discover that the more you push yourself out of your comfort zone, the more you will grow and can remain calmer when the kids aren't around.
As for your h, life isn't all that rosy for him, but he will never tell you that.
Thanks job,
It did feel good to get rid of the yellow walls he created .
Kids will be happy too when they come back tomorrow .
As I said I am hopefully starting to believe that yes h life ain't all that great. He has been a complete idiot. When I see him he looks guilt ridden. He may be an ass via phone/ text but in person it's written on his face. Even when he leaves when he drops kids his shoulders are down.
But this is the life he has chosen. Unless he changes back this is his future ( don't think the reality dawned when he started this, but I'm sure it is now) and the longer he goes on twisting the knife the more and more he is pushing me away...the one person who loved him unconditionally .
Thanks job,
It did feel good to get rid of the yellow walls he created .
Kids will be happy too when they come back tomorrow .
As I said I am hopefully starting to believe that yes h life ain't all that great. He has been a complete idiot. When I see him he looks guilt ridden. He may be an ass via phone/ text but in person it's written on his face. Even when he leaves when he drops kids his shoulders are down.
But this is the life he has chosen. Unless he changes back this is his future ( don't think the reality dawned when he started this, but I'm sure it is now) and the longer he goes on twisting the knife the more and more he is pushing me away...the one person who loved him unconditionally .
Just remember to take this time to change yourself. It's not just about your H changing his mind but about you working on you to make yourself a wife only a fool would leave. To be the best you that you can possibly be.
I agree w/twinmom, it's not only about changing your environment, but also working on yourself. It's looking deep within and if their are things about yourself that need improvement, you've been given the gift of time to work on this issues and become the woman would be a fool to leave.
BTW, how many coats of paint did you end up using to cover the yellow walls? Yellow is one of the colors that is hard to cover w/just one coat.
Hi Mia, good for you with the painting. It is good to do things to reclaim our environment and hopefully you'll feel pleased whenever you go into that room now. After BD, I spent some time in my Dad's garage upcycling furniture and it was therapeutic for me.
I also agree with others about the gift of time and what we can do with it. Whatever may or may not happen with him, it is important that we evolve to a point where we can either successfully reconcile, move happily onto a new R, or choose to stay happily single. Given all circumstances (trauma of MLC etc.) that takes a lot of self-growth. Have you been exploring some useful areas with your IC?
Hope you are enjoying the lovely weather this weekend xx
Thanks all, job actually only one coat of paint with some touching up this morning .
Unfortunately my counselling sessions have ended.
No more.
It's nearly a year now since bd. Even though he was moody this time last year I never thought we'd be living like this now.
Finished brushing up the utility room...one far corner I can't reach but I'll have to live with...not too noticeable.
Thoughts unfortunately have gone back to h and ow with my kids. I know need to let her go . Same old ......
Might go for a walk in a bit ...see if that clears my had
Hi, well husband has booked a 'holiday' to take the kids over bh weekend...with ow...I was not happy but I rang him yesterday...said my piece very calmly.
I basically said I was not happy about it but I'd spoken to kids and they want to see their dad so they can go. I made it clear that I had no interest in her and had no respect for her but the kids tolerated her because they wanted to see him.
We also had a discussi N about our own eldest son and what was going on with him.
H mentioned mediation again for child access. I said I was happy to go for mediation but I won't pay as he seemed to think unraveling a 20 odd year relationship would only take one session and a one off payment of £171 and that was not the case.
I had the kids to think of and he needed to discuss money and £600 a month was not cutting it. Of course he didn't respond.
We got onto what he'd done and basically I had my say...again calmly. I said what he'd done was despicable , having an affair. Again he denied it!! I asked him why couldn't he just admit it....he banged on again about the fact that I was shouting at him. I stated that I was not perfect and I had made mistakes but my shouting at him was a reaction to how he had been treating me. His excuse still...for telling the kids he was eyeing someone else, b4 me and moving in etc was I was shouting at him. The man is ridiculous ..
However the whole conversation was calm from my part.mhendid start doing his ' we need to work objectively for the kids.......conversation' I hate it when he talks like that. I stopped him and said that he had made it difficult to talk to him civilly and the fact that I was doing now said more about me.
We spoke for about 25 minutes. At one point I even made him laugh. Ironic isn't it.
I was the one who ended the conversation.
I will never understand how he thinks that saying he didn't love me, moving out, seeing her then moving in within months has been acceptable. I stated very clearly that we were not friends.
I am proud of myself that I kept calm but also angry that he still won't admit what he had been doing and that him talking to her and everything that happened after he left are probably 90% contributing to the breakdown .
Mia,
I'm very proud of you! You stayed calm and addressed your concerns. I'm not all surprised that he didn't admit to what he's been doing...they won't for a very long time, if ever. Keep your expectations at zero and continue moving forward.
Felt very sad today...had a long cry.....
It's okay. Feel the pain/sadness and then release it. I hope you feel better soon.
Hi Mia, it's not easy but every day is a new day and you will get through this. Thinking of you.
Irish
Had a chat with his mum last night and she was very candid about saying ow is manipulating all this, that I should divorce him because he's been an idiot, that contact between h and her is limited...she rings he doesn't answer and texts days later...but something she said has made me think this has all been about money.
H told his brother that apparently we nearly lost the house!! First I'd heard. I knew that things were really tight about 2 years ago b4 he started this new job . He also said apparently whenever he talked about money I just went 'lalalalala' . That happened once years ago.
So is this what this is all about. Is this my fault?
Mia,
No, it's not your fault. They come up w/all types of excuses for what they are doing. If your family was in a financial crisis and he was very much aware of it, then he should have sat down w/you and discussed the matter. He should have shown you the accounts and pointed out what was happening. If things were so horrible in your marriage, he should have been man enough to sit down and talk to you about all of it. Did he do that? No, he chose to hook up w/ow.
He's got issues, issues that you can't fix...only he can. You can only own 50% of the problems in your marriage and not the full 100% of the problems. Every marriage has bumps in the road, but both parties work together to level those bumps out. The crisis people don't have coping skills and they take the road of least resistance. Please stop trying to drink the kool-aid he's serving up. It's not tasty at all.
Again, it's not your fault!
I agree with job that your H should have come to you about finances. But take this opportunity to look at the situation and really analyze it. What part do you need to own? Can you find a 180 you can work on in all that? Hown can you make this situation work for you & grow as a person from this?
My H said I never accepted his family. The truth was I let the disfunction of his family get to me & reacted to it in a negative way, trying to change THEM. Well we all know that doesn't work! I owned my shortcomings and now I let the sh!the storms wash over me without reacting & pushing H to "do something about it". I firmly say that I'm not going to loan/give $$ or go out of my way to help but that's the end of it. I used to create a fight with H pushing him to stand up to his family & try to fix their crap. Not anymore! And guess what, H tends to stand up to them more now to tell them he isn't going to help so stop asking.
Mia, we are all bound to get some off days. If we weren't I'd worried. From experience each day gets better, even if it's a tiny tiny step. You have done nothing wrong, H should have talked to you about finances! Mine always refused to listen to me when I was telling him about it and he'd rather bury his head in the sand than deal with it! You can't read his mind, nor can he read yours.
Now that we are on holidays, what are your plans for the week? As you are in the UK and if you are not far from me you can come and join me for my packing party :-).
Your posts are showing that you are getting stronger each day, keep sailing where your destination is: rediscovering Mia :-)
I am getting stronger , I can sense that in my interactions with h. H has kids this weekend , has taken them to Wales with ow. I heard him telling our youngest to make sure they were ready to go as it was along trip. Alarm bells rang as I thought he's going to bring her to my home. I made it very clear ' do not bring that woman to my house' his response was quite a pathetic ' I'll sort it' and she wasn't in the car when he picked kids up. Unless she went separately he must have dropped her somewhere.....pathetic but did make me laugh.
Where are you rouky?
If I can get someone to baby sit dog I might go up to cousins whilst kids are away .
Mia - just want to cheer you on!! The first step is realizing you are not powerless in his mess. And yes, it is his mess. Keep going!
Hi Mia, I'm glad you are feeling stronger....and that was funny about OW - maybe she was waiting around the corner?! It is good when you can see the humour in these situations. After all, would you want to go out with a guy where you have to duck out when he goes to collect his kids because you are the OW?
Hope you enjoy the long weekend.....been some lovely weather! Xx
Had a lovely weekend with my cousin so good. But when I got home there was a message from his mum. I rang her back.....and she said he says I physically abused him, punched him when we fought. Unbelievable . I don't recall that at all....how can he lie like that. It's all justification isn't it
They do lie and some of the lies they tell, they actually begin to believe them. They are trying to justify why they are doing what they are doing and they want others to believe their lies so that you look like the bad guy.
Here's what my xh told his lawyer about me...but it backfired because the PI I hired had been to my house many times during the time in question. My xh told his lawyer that I had knocked him out and tied him up and left him to sit that way for hours while I took all of his clothes and put them in the middle of the driveway and set them on fire. Funny, my xh is taller than me and weigh at least 100+ more than myself. Also, our driveway is paved. The PI came out, took photos and provided them to my lawyer to show that I didn't set his clothes on fire. Of course, those allegations were tossed out because there was no proof. They can lie quite well.
The best thing you can do is to continue on as you have been. You do not need to defend yourself to anyone. If his mother chooses to listen and believe what he says, then shame on her because she should know better. But, as they always say...blood is thicker than water. One day, she may take her rose colored glasses off and come to realize that her son has been lying about a lot of things.
Continue moving forward. The best revenge is to live your life to the fullest. Don't allow his lies to ruin your day.
Thanks, his mother doesn't believe him .... She has told me to divorce him as he's an idiot, her words. It's nice talking to her ...as she doesn't make me feel like I am mad.
It's just sad that he can tell family things like that about me. Shows how little empathy he has towards me .
Got mad yesterday. The kids drove back from Wales and apparently stopped off at my bil . I was so angry. How can my sil just accept ow with my kids.
I am sick of this. My h is being a complete idiot with his head up his backside. What can I do to get him to wake up. So ...maybe we did have some issues...I don't know....but can't we try and sort it out. He's throwing away his family .
He made a commitment to me......he gets 'unhappy' and 'doesn't love me anymore' what the hell.
Help me please.
Mia, I know it's hard but there is nothing you can do about your IL, they are your H's family and no matter what your H does he is still their brother. Having said that it doesn't mean that they agree with what he is doing, but for whatever reason they say nothing. I have this with mine, one of my H's siblings left her H for OM, the other siblings including my H kept bad mouthing being OM's back but when they see him they are all friendly! Even my H gets marital tips from him (he is on his 3rd wife!). It's all fake.
This is out of your control and I know it hurts but there is nothing you can do. My H told me that he was unhappy but to this day he still hasn't told me that he doesn't/ no longer loves me, that's why at time I'm finding it hard. Focus on your kids and see what you can do to create happy memories with them.
BTW I'm in the East Midlands, you?
I think Rouky is spot on with that advice. It's yucky and not much you can do about it either. FWIW - even if you feel really angry about things like this, try and keep that away from your H. Only let him see that you are moving forward strongly yourself....what he chooses to do with yucky OW is up to him. If it helps, my XH's family were very little help to me and I (thought!) I was good friends with them all. We went on holiday together a number of times etc.
Rocky, I'm in the West Mids xx
Got mad yesterday. The kids drove back from Wales and apparently stopped off at my bil . I was so angry. How can my sil just accept ow with my kids.
I am sick of this. My h is being a complete idiot with his head up his backside. What can I do to get him to wake up. So ...maybe we did have some issues...I don't know....but can't we try and sort it out. He's throwing away his family .
He made a commitment to me......he gets 'unhappy' and 'doesn't love me anymore' what the hell.
Help me please.
Has a chat with my cousin yesterday. Hadn't spoke to her for a while but same/ similar thing happened to her. Her h cheated on her and she forgave him first time, then he did the I'm unhappy I don't love you speech again. She discovered his 2 nod affair and brought her kids back to this country.
She said they always use that line as its justification.
She said that its his issues not you. Every marriage/relationship has issues...especially when you have been together so long, but she said what the ws does is blow them up...any little thing , so that the marriage is so bad and is making them so unhappy that they went to someone else. She said again it's justification.
She kept reiterating that her h and my h are unhappy with themselves..and she pointed out that they do regret it when reality hits. For her reality hit when she took the kids and came back to this country. Her h was with this ow for a little while then they split and suddenly he had no kids, no wife , no home...she said big regrets. She says he doesn't even see the kids.
All in all she said it was the worst thing she has ever been through but it was his issues that destroyed everything..,,,and he has to live with that.
Mia I'm just above you, after Peterborough x
Ok....yesterday h texted me asking if he could ring to discuss mediation and our youngest son birthday. I said no thanks, as he was picking kids up today for McDonald's he could talk face to face.
He said he wanted to talk child access ( for pity's sake) and other things. My response was that I was quite happy to talk about youngest son birthday by anything else I was not going to discuss without a third party present as it would not be in the best interests of me or kids. That stumped him.
Honestly his obsession with child access.....he already has it....really think it's about control...he doesn't like asking for days in the hols.
Mia,
Your h needs to be working through the mediator and w/you regarding child access. Discussions outside of mediation about this situation are nothing more than cheeseless tunnels and the conversations continue to go round and round. I'm glad you told him that you weren't going to discuss it w/o a third party present. He's like a broken record and he's going to continue to hound you about it until you give in (which I doubt that you will). Yes, it's about control and manipulating you into doing what he wants.
I do hope that your son's birthday plans go off w/o a hitch and he can have a really great time.
Thanks job. Apparently the mediator told him I didn't want to go through with it because I didn't respond back to her by a certain time but I spoke to her the next day regarding how many sessions and cost. I told him this on Thursday and again yesterday.
H did the whole court thing again...honestly what on earth would he achieve by going to court.
The only reason I am agreeing to mediation is about money....he needs to contribute more for me and the kids .
He's trying to pull out every angle to get you to cave to his desires. He thinks the court will give him what he wants and more control over you and the visitation schedule. He just doesn't have a clue. You can't reason w/a nut.
Also, you can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He only heard what he wanted w/respect to the mediator. I bet she told him about your conversation w/her and he didn't like it. Again, don't believe a thing that comes out of his mouth.
Don't back down...stay the course. You and your kids need the money.
Thanks, I have reiterated time and time again about money......he ignores it. Just child access child access child access.........
I will say again, he gets every other weekend, every Tuesday evening ( he only takes them out for an hour but that is his choice) , rings nightly and every holiday he has asked for apart from that Easter bh ( that was mine) . This is perfectly reasonable under the circumstances isn't it?
Does my nut in what he has done. Even his mother thinks he is nuts. Does anyone have any idea what it is he actually wants or is it just he has a bee in his bonnet about this. Do u think ow is having some influence here?
Some men want 50/50 custody, not just weekends. I can't speak for your H but he might truly just want equal time with the kids.
Is he a good dad? Is his time with them positive? If so you might want to consider working with him on another arrangement. I'm in the US and for the most part in court if a parent asks for 50/50 and there are no safety/distance issues it is granted.
Look at it this way, would it benefit the kids to have equal time?
Hi twinmom, he hasn't asked for that but anyway it is completely impractical. He chose to move 45 miles away from kids and their school. There is no way he would be awarded 50/50 as he would not be able to get them to school in the mornings during rush hour.
It depends on what you mean by good dad ?!! Yes he plays Disney dad but do good dads walk away because. Couple of weeks of arguing once he tells his wife he doesn't love her anymore. Does a good dad move in with another woman 6 months after leaving his family...with no consideration for his kids feelings. So my answer is yes and quite a big no also.
Am just sick of his behaviour
And no, it wouldn't benefit the kids to have 50/50 where ey would have to get up at ridiculous o'clock to get to school during rush hour.
Mia, as much as it hurts please try to separate his actions towards you & the marriage from his actions as a father. Yes, he should have tried to work on the marriage but just because he didn't doesn't mean it isn't healthy for the kids to have a meaningful relationship with him that includes as much time as a schedule will allow.
I do understand your feelings, trust me. I get the pain. But at some point you need to shift the focus off of your H and onto you.
Please don't allow your anger for your H to cloud your judgment on what is best for the kids.
It is very evident your angry & you have every right to be but don't lose sight of what really matters, and that's getting yourself to a place of peace.
Are you cooperative in the mediation? What is the next step that needs to be taken? I agree you should not discuss any financial or parenting time issues without a third party present. You can't avoid mediation though if he starts the process.
I wouldn't do the work for him but don't ignore when it is your turn to participate in the process.
Mia,
I will be totally candid-I have only read this thread. However, these scripts are similar so I have an idea of what went down between you and your husband. I am so terribly sorry you find yourself here. It really is a crap sandwich yet they try to convince you it's a goat cheese and heirloom tomato on brioche.
You sound very angry and we all totally relate. When your life is upended, it makes you feel like you are bungee jumping without the cord. However, one day, you have to realize that the anger, while understandable, doesn't really help you or your children. It is a complete waste of energy. It's necessary to feel the emotions and try to let some of it just go.
In regards to your inlaws, I agree with the others. Blood is thicker than water. I am in a unique situation in that my xh (who was extremely close with his parents) has said exactly zero words to them in 2.5 years except for a couple of generic texts. When they visit, they stay with me and I do my darndest not to say much about their son. My kids? That's a different story. They can say whatever to them because that isn't my deal. I always remind his parents that I do not think their son is a bad guy-not in the least. I wouldn't have picked such a person.
You seem rather focused on OW. Don't expend your energy there. You will feel exhausted and quite frankly, his family will do what they do. I would suggest not fueling the fire. Focus on you and being the best you can be. I admit this has been the ultimate task for me and I am still a work in progress.
Let him go and deal with the consequences of decisions. It does get much better! Hang in there and take care of yourself.
Morning...well yesterday h came in the house to discuss our youngest son birthday. But yet again, despite me saying I wouldn't discuss child access without a third party he brought it up. Although I didn't shout at him he peed me off so much I got angry. This is some of the things he said
I text you stuff that I'm doing when I have kids because you overreact and I don't want the kids to see ( this was in reference to him taking kids away with ow)
I don't need to pay towards the mortgage...I pay you enough.
Well we need to talk and sort child access you can't dictate to me what I do when I have the kids ( in ref to him living with ow, intro kids to ow)
We have equal parental responsibility
Are we being joint presents for kids
You don't tell me what's going on with kids.
The reason the kids can't go out with mum and dad together is because of you
What the heck. I told him he has access, I have every right to question what he is doing with kids when he involves ow that I don't know, yes we do have equal parental responsibility but that has nothing to do with access, no we are not doing joint presents, we are not together, I am not giving you weekly newsletter about kids, when you lie and cheat and walk out funnily enough, no I don't want to entertain with you...kids or not
And finally....maybe mediation is expensive is there another way we can sort access out!!!
Such an ass
I know I should let go of my anger and I think I do and then I see him and it bubbles up again. That idiot has thrown everything away ......I have been so rasonable about access.....but he bleeds on constantly about it as if I haven't allowed him. He's wrong. His problem is he doesn't see the kids as much as he wants.....but that is not my fault. That's his .......it drives me mad that he thinks that he can carry on like he is and doesn't owe his family financially.
It's all about access and what he wants.
Mia, aso hard as it is to deal with you actually DON'T get to decide what the kids do when they areally with your H or who they are around. Is it responsible of your H to bring them around OW? No, but that change the fact you legally can't do anything about it. And if you keep harping on your H about it then he is most likely to just see you as more of an enemy and rebel more.
How often does he have time with the kids?
Distance wasn't a factor but my H had the kids 3 days (2overnights) per week & my ex husband from my first marriage & I have EXACTLY 50/50 time with my two older boys. He lives about 30min away.
Hi I hope it's ok to chime in. I've only read this thread and is it right he only sees the kids Tuesday nights and every other weekend ? If so , that doesn't seem a lot to me and I can see where he's coming from re access. I do feel very strongly about the kids having to meet OW and I can relate how hard that is for you. My kids are old enough to decide they want nothing to do with OM but I still don't like the thought of it.
You seem really angry and rightly so but do you think it's helping you move forward ? Your H doing what he has is very painful for you and tough to get past but in the long run you have to accept what is and deal with it as best you can for your sake and the kids
I know it's hard but having no expectations of H might be best because he's not going to live up to any expectations that you have anyway
Back to the access , what is he looking for ? Are your objections to do with OW or something else. I'm no expert but many on here have had to deal with these types of issues and maybe they could offer constructive advice
Letting go is key and also a tough mountain to climb. Most sucess stories on here ( regardless of the outcome in the M ) seem to reach the sucess level when the LBS detaches from the WAS and their actions
All the above is just my humble opinion and I truly feel your pain
Take care. Rd
Well I played the bigger person. Our youngest turns 9 next Sunday, he wants to go to cinema with some friends and me and wanted his dad to come.
Through gritted teeth I texted h told him what I'd bought as presents and asked if he wanted to come as our youngest wanted.
Immediate response ' thanks, yep I'd love to come' grrrrrrrr.
Was unsure whether it was giving his cake as it were ...but did it for our youngest. I have been the better person here haven't I?
Hi rd.....he also gets whatever school holiday he has asked.
He can't have them overnight in the week as he lives miles away so can not get them to school...I've also been advised by a solicitor that no court would grant that.
I've never refused if he wanted to see them in the week by coming here but he has never asked apart from Tuesday he has currently.
I am angry...he threw away a sound marriage and constantly goes on about what he wants. As you can see above I have asked him to come long to our youngest son birthday do......I have not refused him anything and he makes me angry when he implies that I do...it's like I can't do wrong for doing right.
I had to endure him taking kids with ow last weekend....it wasn't that I was rfusing but I'm sick of him not telling me what he's doing where the kids are involved and it's not the norm.
He's talking about taking them on holiday in the summer and I am like...hang on how about contributing towards what they need...a roof over their head
Mia,
It's all about your son's birthday and what his wish for that day. I'm glad you invited your h to go along. For that day, try to table your anger and just enjoy the day w/your son as it is his special day and I would hate to see it ruined if tempers were to flare up. Yes, I am very well aware that you are angry and your has thrown away a marriage and family life...but for the one day...table the anger. If the conversation should happen to go towards more visitation, just remind your h that this is not the day to discuss such things and that you both should concentrate on making your son's special day one to remember.
Yes, you shown him that you aren't stooping to his level by inviting him along.
As for what he does w/the children when he has them, he has the option of telling you about it or not, as long as whatever he's doing w/them keeps them safe and they are having fun. You can't control him, his every move or what he does w/his children. As for the ow, well, that may be something that can be discussed in mediation...
Please try to find a way to release the anger because your children can sense it and you don't want them being hesitant in sharing what they do when they are w/their father. They need to feel comfortable in telling you about their time spent w/him or to talk about what's going on.
Anger takes up a lot of energy, energy that you could use elsewhere in your life to do the things that you would like to do. It also raises your blood pressure and can create all sorts of health issues.
Well atleast cinema minimises conversation lol.
Yes I am glad I took the higher ground here and it makes my youngest happy.
Right, h rang yesterday to ask when he could give presents. I said he's not coming to house so he said so I have to give at cinema. Yup
He also asked if he was coming to meal after cinema..I said nope.
Well our son wants hi. For meal. Should I text him?
Also tbh for son it's probably better he comes to house and gives presents. Should I say that.
It's a balance between making son happy and not allowing my h off the hook...and of course he started on mediation again...my response...hang up
Mia,
Since it's a special day for your son, i.e., his birthday, then I would find a way to put aside my feelings about my h and allow him to come to the house to give him his presents. It's your decision as to whether you want to cook a meal and invite him or you could invite him over for cake and opening of the presents.
Just my two cents.
What is he asking about mediation?
Please try to get to a place where you are not "punishing" H for his actions by using the kids. That's never good for anyone.
You can't just hang up on him and avoid every conversation about mediation. Maybe Sotto can chime in here. She did a WONDERFUL ABSOLUTELY AMAZING job of not doing "the heavy lifting" of the divorce but taking care of things when it was her turn.
Well he is coming to cinema and I have said he can come for the meal and come in house to give presents.
With regards to mediation that is all he goes on about...when am I sorting the appointment. With regards to what he wants I don't know just goes on about child access. And I have said that if he wants to discuss he does it face to face not on phone...I have said this numerous times.
I don't like how he rings without warning and goes on about it...it makes me mad so I have to hang up so as not to lose my temper.
Mia,
I'm glad he's going to share in his son's birthday celebration. It will mean a lot to your son.
About the mediation, continue to advise him that if he wants to talk about it, it must be done in person and that you will not discuss it over the phone. The more you say and repeat this, the more he is likely to finally get the message. The next time he calls and starts in on the topic of mediation, say something like this: "h, I have advised you in the past that I am more than willing to discuss mediation w/you if it is done in person. I will not discuss it over the phone w/you. Unless you have something else to discuss at this time, I have to go because I am in the middle of something". Then politely hang up. Right now, your h is very frustrated w/you because you hang up on him. He's bound and determined to get you on that phone and discuss it, so beat him to the punch and politely tell him that you aren't discussing it over the phone.
The more we pull away from them, the more they try to rope us back in. It's the "push/pull"/"distance/pursuer" game.
Hi there (Well, Twinmon thanks for the compliment
)
I had a 'responsive' stance to the D - I would not pursue anything in 'pursuit' of D - but I quietly met any deadlines and minimised any responses - only pleasant, brief, business.
When it came to financials, it suited me to expedite that so I was happy to 'lead' a bit more - ie: be more proactive and get things done before being asked.
We took the collaborative law approach and I'm not sure how mediation differs to that in the UK - but if you can take the approach of trying to quietly resolve any frustrations, that is best I think - otherwise you may be perceived as an ongoing 'barrier' to him. There were times when I wasn't happy with what H was proposing and stood my ground - but if that happened, I tended to sit back and let my L respond, or just wait for another bit of the process to unfold.
As for the birthday, I think it is the right way to prioritise what your S wants to do - and you can perhaps discuss any plans with the kids well before the date next time around and know what their hopes are WRT their Dad's involvement in their special day.
Hope the party goes well. Take that day to feel and look lovely within yourself and show your H only grace and class....
Take care xx
Spoke to his mum this morning she rang to wish our youngest happy birthday . Interesting how she said h is little empathy or consideration for anyone's feelings at the moment including kids...as in constantly having ow around the kids.
Mil is staying with me the night before she's taking our kids away camping...apparently he's not happy about that.
Listen, but don't make any comments to your MIL. Blood is thicker than water and if she's expressing her concerns to you, you don't know what she's telling him if you say anything.
He'll get over being unhappy about his mother staying w/you. It's what works best for you, the children and your MIL.
I hope your son has a great day!
Keep the focus on you and your children.
Hi, I am usually careful when talking to mil but on sons birthday I did get upset.
I am getting stronger I feel but still don't sleep very well.....and still wake up thinking oh h.....but it's becoming more like 'what on earth is he doing with this woman...' What an idiot.
The sad thing is I feel he is so entrenched in this now I don't think he can see the wood from the trees......our life together is probably becoming a distant 'horrible' m more ( in his mind) whereas life with ow is current and all fine and dandy.
Hi Mia, how are you keeping up ?
Hi, ok sometimes not so much others.
Have had a bad week this week.....don't know why.....lots of tears.
H is still banging on about child access....although he seems to have back tracked and wants us to discuss rather than 'waste money on mediation or court' ...I wrote him an email to discuss finances and I feel that if he doesn't have an open discussion and agree to a fair agreement about money I will have to go to court......it's so sad he has done this but I can't carry the financial load on my own.
I also discovered yesterday that it looks like he has had a big promotion which I assume means a pay increase.....hasn't mentioned to me
Mia,
Talking to him will get you nowhere and he'll promise you the moon and possibly not do what is agreed upon between the two of you. You need to prepare yourself and get your ducks in a row because you very well may need to seek the assistance from a very good lawyer. I'm very sorry you are dealing w/all of this stuff. Protect yourself and your children finanically.
Please start a new thread when you have a moment.
Will do job,
He responded to my email basically saying he wasn't giving me any more money....it was up to me how I spent the money he gives but he wasn't going to financially support me ...and if I had to seek alternative living arrangements then so be it...he also brought up the fact that we had not a legal agreement over child custody!! Showed a friend of mine and she said he's trying to scare you. Such an arse