Hello,
After the latest interaction with H, I realize, after almost 3 years, I am still the enemy in his mind. I am still to blame for his struggles of fathering S, I badmouth him to everyone including S, and I conspired to live in the house and keep the dog.
Crazy is no joke.
Enough is enough, I am tired of competing with that.
Once again, something clicked in me. I am totally shut down and very tired of this.
Today I had a consultation with a L. For $175 and an hour (the first 1/2 was free) I was able to get some clarification of what D will look like for me. She was wonderful and no doubt has my back. She told me true separation does not take place until one of us communicates with the other that we want a divorce. So, the clock is still ticking on marital benefits and I should not push H to say he wants D, or M timeline stops. All assets will be valued and split 50/50, she told me to stop pushing H about getting back only what I put into the boat and RV, she said keep those for value consideration. I told her I don't want anything but my home and out of this. She said I could be short changing myself and S future by thinking that way, and she is right. I could even negotiate the house in lieu of his retirement. She looked at our W2's and said right away his $1300 a month is not fair, he has paid no child support. At the end, she said I seem unsure of what to do and suggested I talk to an IC to help me to decide, and suggested I stop letting H do his cakeeating otherwise this will never change. I told her, I do this for S, he loves us all together. She said, but it's not real. Your S is not seeing affection or connection between you and H, is that the quality of life you want for you both??
She was impressive and gave me tons to think about. Bottom line, I should be fine financially and possibly able to keep the house or afford to rent one to keep S in his school with his friends. Those have been my biggest concerns.
Next step, I will set an appt with IC. That was actually already my plan. I am ready to talk things out with someone in preparation to end this situation. I want more for myself and my S. H is a bundle of negativity, he has been for a long time. I feel light, positive and happy, and no longer compatible with him. There is no longer a place in my world for him. My H died in August 2013. This man now no longer fits in my world, he is a stranger to me.
I have been NC with H and have no desire for any different.
So, we shall see how this plays out. I am not going to rush into anything, I am getting facts and information, guidance and advice, and listening as the answers are coming. One step at a time, slowly.
I forgot to say, I have needed to break free from the MLC world. I put away all my books and stopped reading them. I stopped thinking and breathing MLC, it has consumed me for way too long. I don't even know if that is what this is, according to H, I am way off. It's time to leave H problems to him and God.
I have also not been coming to the boards much. I pop in here and there, it's hard, I care so much about so many of you. I just need to distance myself from this right now. I have been giving it too much power and control. I think I finally get what Job has been saying to me all along. I thought I did before, but it's different this time.
I think I am finally dropping the rope? I love you guys and will keep checking on you as I can.
Xxx ooo (hugs)
love you too M ... do what ya gotta do girl xoxoxoxoxo
I'm glad you finally spoke to a lawyer about what you can and can't receive from a divorce. I'm also glad she pointed out the caking eating and what needs to happen w/that situation. Speaking to an IC will help you sort out some things that you've been mulling over for a while and hopefully you will come out of the sessions feeling better about a number of things that have been swirling around in your life.
Taking a break from the forum is a good thing because it helps you to step back and really focus on you, your son and your situation. You do what you need to do the protect yourself, your son and your assets. No matter what you decide, you will be fine and yes, my dear, you are a survivor and a success story!
Hang in there and do what is best for you and your son!
M
Like many things our timelines have always been so similar ... You sound grounded and strong. The line about the 'death' in 2013 is something I too have felt and said. The bad part is the physical ghost that has us holding on for them to wake up, and all the sudden in an ironic twist it's actually us who wakes up
I too will check in from time to time and hope nothing but the very best for you !!
Wishing you good things, Mar. Take your time, all that you want. I know this is not an easy decision, but you have been handling your situation with patience and class. Only you can know how much you can take.
M, you sound strong and in control. Your L is a gem. So glad you you found her. She sounds very wise in ways other than the law.
IC has saved my sanity. Glad you've decided to do that.
I get wanting to stay away from the boards but please check in now and then and let us know how you're doing.
I'm glad you found a good L. She sounds grounded and supportive. I've been happy with my L and it does make a world of difference when you have confidence in someone.
I understand about needing a break from the forum. I also still feel like I'm 'living the sitch' and I sometimes think forum contact reinforces that. I'd like to progress to just 'living' again at some point!
Good luck to you from me xx
Mleigh - so glad you found a good L. I hope you find a good IC, too.
I am thinking of you and wishing you continued peace. You have great fortitude, truly.
Hello all. Boy, I sure find myself drawn back to the boards to check on you guys. It became such a habit for me, but I do see it keeps me mentally from moving on much. Lou said it well in her post. I think in the beginning it is very necessary, but as you start letting go and moving on, it's good to keep your focus on other things. I am still here, just trying to live in MLC land less and less. Thank you all for your well wishes, I think of you all often and also hope the best for you.
So, I am still NC with H. Drop offs are quick. Today when he brought S home, I met them outside. No need for him to come in anymore, I am changing that routine. I also have not been able to say bye to H...I know, a bit childish, but I just don't feel like it....I give my love to S and off I go.
I have my first IC appointment next week. I am looking forward to talking some things out with her, I really hope it helps. I spent time out with friends this weekend and really enjoyed myself. I have plans made every weekend in May, so my GAL is in full swing. Friends asked about H yesterday, how he is, say they never talk to him. I just say, I really don't know but he seems ok. I always keep it short and no ill words. Simply, the H we all knew and loved was a good guy and I think we all know that deep down.
H remains "gone" in my mind. I have been holding onto hope that he would come back, but I am not seeing that happen right now and I must move on. I really do not like the guy I deal with today, he is nothing like the guy I fell for.
Who knows what the future holds, but right here and now, my H is gone and has been for a long time. I miss him dearly and it's hitting me a bit, accepting that. I went to a celebration of life yesterday, and felt I had so much in common with the family who lost a good man. It's time to really let him go and I have been living in that train of thought.
Today, thank you to Bttrfly idea, I wrote down H, birthdate, our marriage date and his name. I also wrote a beautiful tribute that I got from the ceremony yesterday. I burned the paper and said my goodbyes to H. It felt right and I feel ready. I wanted to share the tribute with you guys. I hope those of you who have reached this point of letting go find some comfort with it.
Dear husband,
I thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday
And days before that too
I think of you in silence
I often speak your name
All I have are memories
And your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake
With which I'll never part
God has you in his keeping
I have you in my heart
Hi MLeigh, it sounds as though you have reached a new phase in your situation. Over time, we come to think we have let go and then we let go some more and realise we didn't really let go before.
What you said about your H being a good man and everyone would agree resonated with me. My H was also a lovely guy and that does make it harder to let go.
I'm glad you are due to see an IC see again and hope that will bring you some further peace and clarity....plus sounds like you have some great GAL plans coming up.
Take care xx
Hey mleigh, it is a beautiful tribute to your H. I’m happy for you, that you are feeling strong to determine what you want in your life and follow up with it. I hope you will still come to this board once in a while to post the updates about you. I feel like I have a very strong connection to you, even though I don’t post as much recently too.
I hope we can meet at some point… When you come to visit SoCal again. Take care.
M, that's a beautiful tribute. It brought tears to my eyes. Isn't it odd how MLC seems so much like the death of a spouse. It's very much like Cali sees it. The person you knew is gone and all you really see is a ghost or a shadow of the one you once knew, but the memories of the love you once shared will always be held in your heart.
{{{Hugs}}} girl. And a big thumbs up on the GAL activities.
A beautiful tribute Mleigh. All the best my friend.
Honey I hope that brought you as much peace as my ceremony for my H brought me. I will say this though: for me, and only for me, the month since that ceremony has been a deeper level of grieving and letting go. I view it as necessary, but I have to admit it has been very painful. I have had some interactions, mostly at S's baseball, and they have been pleasant/cordial. No one watching us would know we aren't still together. With each interaction, I realize anew how far apart we are and how far my H is from the man I fell in love with. So my dear, I get it. I really do. I too have been staying away, because I'm trying to move on. I miss everyone though, so here I am checking in.
I'm glad you gave yourself the closure when you were ready to. No one can say you haven't put forth the full effort. I'm so happy you have moved forward with GAL activities.
Please check in when you can. I will miss you! xoxoxoxo
Hi everyone. Just popping in to give a quick update on me. I do continue to check in on you guys, I can't imagine giving that up.
So I am doing really good. Work is great, staying busy, I love my job and the crew I work with. We have started mimosa Friday's and truly have fun at work.
I continue to keep busy with friends. I exercise daily, either walking, yoga, planking or baby weights. Yep, this girl will be looking hot this summer
It feels great and keeps me feeling good about myself.
S is great. He showed some interest in baseball, so I ran out to get a bat, balls and mitts. We plan on getting his buddies together to play at the park. He continues to get great grades in school and has several things planned with friends, including an upcoming bbq carnival at his school.
I had my first IC appointment today. It was great because the person I saw before her, and retired, kept notes, so she read up on my sitch and knew all the background info when I walked in. As I was voicing my concerns, all the answers she had were exactly what I already had in my head. When I asked her if she was pro marriage, she answered she was pro love. Some key notes she touched on.....
H has shown no sign of wavering on his decision to walk away from our marriage, for almost 3 years.
Fake family time has no benefit for our S. Do I want to teach him the example of holding on to a marriage just to keep it intact, or do I want him to experience love and affection? What would I hope he would choose?
Instead of just going dark, I need to have a talk with H. We both agreed, I will most likely get nothing out of it, other than laying down the law. Basically...."H, you have been checked out for almost 3 years now and show no sign of a change of heart, since we are permanently separated, we need to go over what this year will look like, holidays, vacations with S, even child support". This keeps me from stopping the legal time line of M, but clarifies that we will now live as D.
My home, my rules, too bad for H, he left.
Computer time....as long as S is healthy, getting exercise and sunshine, social and doing well in school and with friends, not a big deal. If H wants to force him to do other things, his problem, his battle.
MIL is a control freak who obviously did not give her children choices. She was out of line to cut S hair and S has every right at his age to make choices about himself, including his hair. Choices are extremely important for children and I was right to state that boundary.
Trying to keep a R with in-laws is up to me, it's H job to keep an R between them and S, not my problem. If I don't want an R with them, my choice, I should not feel an obligation.
As far as D, I have been emotionally D for 2 weeks now. I now know I wasn't before, I never truly let go, and was living on hope. When H gave me his last rant, it was like another light bulb clicked in me. The realization that I need to stop waiting for my H to come back. This new guy is a jerk and someone I want minimal contact with, only for S. It is clear as day and every day when I wake up, my first thought is yep, I'm done. It is just the strangest thing as I really consider him dead and gone and no longer the person I am dealing with. I have completely separated the 2. So I will continue the "emotional" divorce until I feel the need to make it legal.
IC warned, it sounds like he is holding out so I make the move to D, so I am the bad guy. This way he can say, I just asked for some time and space and she D me. Well, I know the truth. In fact I am very proud of myself. I am proud of staying faithful and hopeful, I am proud of having opened my holidays and vacations to him, I am proud for giving it my all, I can honestly say I tried everything.
I continue NC with him. Last Saturday, he TM asking when he could pick up S....it was my weekend. I ignored, thinking he would figure it out. He later called asking the same question. I pointed out he had S last weekend. He got mad at me, said I could have just replied to his message. I said ok, bye, click. The next day, Mothers Day, I got no word from him. Typical PA behavior, I was expecting it. I had a nice weekend with son, feeling grateful that I was blessed with him, it was not easy for me to get pregnant. Feeling grateful he is happy, healthy and growing like a weed! Lol. I had a great Mothers Day, truly grateful for my amazing child.
When I dropped off S last night, I gave H a list of upcoming dates and activities for S for the next 3 months. I also gave him his mail with a message that this is his last delivery, time to change his address.
I also spent the weekend buying my flowers and veggies for my backyard. I spent the weekend planting and am ready to enjoy my beautiful backyard and garden this spring and summer.
So that is where I am at. I continue to pop in to check on the latest but also make sure my time is focused on me and enjoying my life. I have so much to be thankful for, including having you all in my life.
Sotto...I never let go until now. What a difference I feel! My H was a great guy, an honest good guy, and I choose to remember him that way.
Bright....I would love to meet you! Is there a way to private message, or even Facebook? Thanks as always for your support.
2times....MLC is definite death of our spouse....with a small chance they can come back. It's a strange realisation.
Gwen....always good to hear from you. Glad you liked the tribute.
Bttrfly....saying good bye to my H was needed and necessary for me. Like you said, it brought relief but also a heavy heart. I really loved him. I am not skipping around happy, I feel a great sadness in letting him go, but I feel it's my time.
Hugs to you all
Hi Mleigh- just caught up and it's good to hear an update from you. I've been thinking of you! Glad you had a nice Mother's Day.
What you said about knowing the truth of what really happened resonated with me. We're dealing with people who have quite a distorted view of reality. We take care of ourselves and our kids and try to make peace with the rest of this mess.
Happy gardening.
You sound so much more grounded these days and I'm glad the IC is pro love. I think you are on the right track in setting boundaries. You've been struggling w/setting boundaries for quite some time, but you will discover that you will feel so much better now that those boundaries have been enforced.
Your h will not be a happy camper to have the revolving door whereby he could pick and choose what he wanted to do and the times he would have his son...but that's okay. He made choices and those choices weren't good ones, thus, the consequences of his actions will be felt by him.
I'm very happy to read that you and your son are doing well and keeping busy. Love your son to the moon and back. He's a precious gift and one that will grow by leaps and bounds and be there for you no matter what. He's a great young man and one day, he will look back and no that his mom was there supporting him all the way, no matter what came his way.
Continue moving forward and I look forward to reading your amazing postings as you continue to grow and explore the wide world out there.
Happy Belated Mother's Day!
Hi everyone,
Happy Saturday. This month has been a whirlwind of activities and I can't believe June is around the corner!
So, I am still feeling great, life is good. NC continues with me. H has sent several TM's here and there, but I only reply if absolutely needed. I just have no desire to be his buddy anymore, in my mind, he is my XH. It still feels strange to me that I am here but feels very right. Based on my level of peace and happiness, it was needed, I am very thankful to God and all of you for helping me get to this point.
Last Saturday was our 12 year wedding anniversary. I dropped off S to H like normal, short and sweet and off I go. The meaning of the day actually only popped into my mind a couple of times and not at all when dropping off S! That amazed me. This was the third ignored anniversary, I guess third time is a charm.
I spent that day at a co-workers son's 1 year bday party. I knew no one until another co-worker showed up, but I made conversation and felt comfortable, definitely a change for me.
After, I went to my friends and we all went to their neighbors to bbq. Again, out of my comfort zone, I don't know the neighbors, but I had a great time! We ate, they played instruments, and had some good girl talk. Neighbor is on her 2nd marriage and much happier. I hear this more and more lately, not sure if I am happening to just meet these people who had terrible experiences in their first marriage, or if I am just willing to listen now. At any rate, I announced I am ready to begin dating if I meet someone I am interested in. My friends clapped and hugged me, they confirmed I have tried everything, they loved H too and would hate to see us end, but agree it's time to have some fun.
That next day H had to drop off dog on the way to drop off S at his buddies bday party. I met them out front to get dog. H was mumbling about his pen not working or something. I hugged S, told him I would pick him up in a few hours, got dog and went inside. A minute later, H was at door asking for a pen. I left him at the door, opened a crack, got pen and went back to give to him. He had creeped partially inside and was looking around. Gave him pen, walked him out.
I spent the day cleaning up all my furniture and knick knacks I got for my patio last year and set it all up. Beautiful and so my happy place!! I bought an outside rug to add and also want a water feature to finish it off. My Zen
This week I put air in my tires at the gas station all by myself! Can you believe it cost $1.00 for air!? I also killed the black widow I found living in my garage. S very much enjoyed watching his mom scream in terror while doing that. These were big steps for me, H always handled this stuff.
Wednesday was S open house at school. I had not only written this down on the schedule I gave H, but reminded him the night before when I dropped off S. While S and I were eating before the event, H called. I ignored. I listened to message, it was a butt dial. Then I got TM from him telling me story of S sleepwalking the night before. No mention of open house and I just knew.....I did not reply and sure enough, he was a no show. S seemed fine with it.
The next night, when I dropped off S, I decided to not say anything to H. Why bother? I don't care, what matters is S, and he honestly seemed he could care less. H tried as usual to make conversation with me, but I just don't interact much anymore. I am always polite, I say my goodbye to S and leave. It's not to be mean, or punish him, or looking for a reaction....it's just natural towards someone I don't care much for. Unfortunately, H has fallen into that category.
Last night was S May bbq and faire at school. S never showed an interest to go but this year did. We went and had an absolute blast! He ran around with his buddies and I visited with parents I know. It seems S and I are both coming out of our introvert shells a bit! I also notice I don't feel a big void not having H next to me like I used to. At S school events, I feel proud that I am there, for my S, I am doing what a parent should, even by myself, and I stand tall and proud about it.
Tonight S has another birthday party, he is a busy social boy these days. Otherwise, mellow weekend at home. Next weekend is my reggae festival and I can't wait!
June is looking busy too, but I am really looking forward to our beach getaway in July. So all is good here. I don't plan on having any talk right now with H unless he initiates it. I am still settling in to my new mindset and want to continue so for now. So far so good, this is working well for me. I have written down different versions of what I want to say when the time comes, and tweaked it here and there, and it's very short and to the point. I still also consider this his divorce, his mess he made and his mess to clean up. I am feeling very much at peace with moving on and not doing anything legally until I need to. (like if I meet someone), but I do see this moving to D and I am ok with that. I have no doubt S and I will be fine, if not better than ever.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Very nicely done! Your son is the social butterfly and I'm happy he's getting out there and doing things. As for you...wow! You are doing wonderfully and sound very much grounded, i.e., calm and centered.
Keep up the good work. Vacation time will be here before you know it!
Hi Mleigh - it was so nice to read an update from you. I have been thinking about you and your son. Life over there sounds really good.
It still astounds me that your h habitually misses school events and yet hops up on that pedestal to lecture about responsibility. Lots of head scratching over the lack of self awareness present in the MLCer.
I enjoyed reading all your updates. You sound strong and grounded. Kudos to you on being that rock for your son. What a lucky guy.
Regarding dating, I was thinking about that while I was in NYC. I was thinking I would probably be quite a freak date these days. Some of the pre-qualifying questions I would have these days are (but are not limited to): What % of your day you do you hide in your bedroom? How many times per month are you in other rooms of your house? Is someone trying to kill or poison you? Do you have any keyed locks on any of your doors within your home? How many words do you say per month? What kinds of strategies do you have to prevent yourself from aging?
And I was thinking it has been so long since I have had a normal, meaningful conversation with a man, that after 5 constant minutes of talking, I might be overwhelmed. So many words; sensory overload!!
Your vacation is going to be amazing. So fun that you can bring your dog, too.
Sending good karma your way. You are an amazingly strong woman and mother.
Hi MLeigh, you are sounding in a really good place and I'm pleased for you. It's funny (well actually not) how MLCers sideline themselves in the lives of their nearest and dearest, but also want to be seen as the good guy/gal.
HaWho, I have to laugh at your questions. My divorce group chums and I have had some good fun with our 'virtual' prospective partner questionnaire...running to 537 or so probing questions....guaranteed to put off all but the most persistent dates...
Hope you ladies are having a great weekend! Xx
I agree with the dating criteria! You would think we would be desperate, but instead, are wary! So far, in dealing with men who have shown interest in me, I hit 2 must haves.
First, he must be someone who I feel comfortable being me around. I am a goofball and quirky and always held back around H.
Second, he must be family focused, hopefully will have kids of his own. One guy recently told me, "you need to get a sitter so we can go out and have fun." Instant turn off! Granted, I will not be introducing my son to just any guy anytime soon, however, I don't want someone wanting to get rid of him!
Who knows what is out there, hopefully I can find myself a Caliguy or Irish type
Sotto - I would love to hear the short list of questions on that questionnaire. I am sure there are some doozies on there.
Mleigh - I agree that it's a total turn off to have a guy trying to get a sitter "to have fun." Umm, that sounds just as immature as what I already have. What does he want to do? Go and egg houses?!?
I would want a guy who is all grown up and comfortable with it. I have a strong preference for someone who understands the reality of the human life cycle (AND actually accepts it). I also think I would work harder to understand their FOO issues and how they went through their childhood and teenage years.
Who am I kidding, though? At this point I would have a first date come over for dinner. And if the guy eats the bowl of cereal I put before him, he passes. There would be no talking. He just comes in, I put the cereal in front of him and stare at him. If he eats it, yay, you don't think I am trying to kill you!! 2nd date here I come.
I was thinking how I could even tell someone what happened in my marriage? I was picturing a guy asking and how on earth I could even answer. Who would even believe it? There needs to be some specialized MLC Survivor dating website. It would be to MLC what Farmersonly.com is to farmers. Otherwise, if on a date, when asked, I would forever have to smile and say: oh, you know, we just grew apart.
Whereas, if there were a MLC based site, the only question would be: so how crazy did YOUR spouse go?
Sotto, I want to see that list too!
HW that is a great idea! There are dating sites for specific religions, gender based, over 50, even certain nationalities.....why not for MLC survivors!?
You crack me up, you really do. I can only imagine how you could describe your experience, you are living a movie.
In all honesty though, I hope you never have to go there and your H wakes up already! I hate that any of us here have to think about venturing out. We will see what I am actually capable of once it happens, I may find I am still not ready. I still fear what I am attracted to because my choices so far have been......not so good!
I have stranger danger fear and hope to meet someone through friends.
Job, I think of you so much and always appreciate you dropping by. I am a curious person and have a question for you. Did you try out dating after XH? What was your experience like? Do you have a special someone or are you content in your own world? I hope I am not being intrusive.
mleigh,
To answer your questions. Yes, I have dated periodically, but most men in my area want a mother and a maid. Been there, done that and I'm not planning to raise another adult under my roof. LOL!
As for when people ask me why I was divorced, I simply stated that after 25 years of marriage, he had a melt down and flew the coop. People in today's society are more aware of what MLC is and no further explanation was needed once I stated what I did.
You know Mleigh, it can be tough to date again. I know it was for me for a long time. I had my criteria, my thoughts, likes, dislikes, etc. Know what happened? I was wrong. As time went on, I found that there were things I liked, things I didn't like, but that I had only the reference of a 20 year marriage to compare. So I decided to try different things and be much more patient. I first needed to get to a place where I was OK alone or with somebody. To do that, I needed to go out and be with friends.
Best advice I ever got from a friend - even if you don't feel like it, get out. Go for a walk, go see friends, etc.
After a while, I was fine alone, in a crowd, or with somebody else. Then I started dating and was able to get a different reference point.
There are a lot of great people out there to meet and some to date. Like you, I have my likes and dislikes.
I have a different story I tell than, Job. When people ask me about my ex (infrequent these days) I tell them the truth. There wasn't enough room in the house for her and her boyfriend. She had to go
Good luck!
AJ
AJ is right. You have to be comfortable w/yourself first and then w/someone else. Jumping into a dating pool can be difficult and like AJ pointed out...your reference point is only your marriage.
Like I said, I date periodically, but I also have a lot of male friends and we do things together, i.e., just enjoy each other's time together w/no strings attached. I also do a lot of things solo. I may be crazy, but I enjoy doing things solo. I enjoy my own company very much. At least I can laugh and say "I'm in control of the remote and not have to argue w/someone about what channel to watch". LOL!
Sometimes, I go one step further and tell people the same thing that Princess Diana stated in an interview "there were three of us in this marriage" and then I say "I rest my case".
Don't rush into dating until you feel comfortable in your own skin. Give yourself time to heal from the divorce (if it happens). I've seen entirely too many people rush into new relationships and then discover that they weren't healed enough to let go of the previous marriage baggage.
As for dating sites, well, I've had many a laugh. I signed up for one that has a questionnaire that you complete. I was very critical of my likes, dislikes, interests, religion, etc., and I just knew that I would never get any interest. Lo and behold! I started getting all sorts of hits and none of them met my any of my responses to the questionnaire. To this day, I still laugh about some of those guys and what they were looking for. I did actually date one of them and all he wanted to talk about was his lack of performance and that's why his wife had left him. Can you just imagine someone talking about such a thing on the first and definitely the last date? LOL!
Okay ... my 2 cents.
I agree that you have to be good with who you are and know what it is you want for yourself and your life before dipping your toe in the dating pool.
Regardless of the status of anyone's situation ... estranged, separated, or full out divorced ... I think there is baggage that has to be shed before you can really focus on what YOU want from a partner and from life.
If you want to dive in, do it from a perspective of finding yourself and not one of looking for a replacement for your spouse. Do it from a perspective of having some fun and not from looking for something serious.
Job, you are not crazy at all. I least I hope you aren't because I would be crazy, too. I like doing things with other folks, but I enjoy going solo more (except restaurants other than fast food ... I haven't conquered that one yet). I like to travel and have traveled with friends and kids. I hate the point where the person I'm traveling with wants to go to the quilt museum and I want to go see the world's biggest ball of string. I always seem to end up at the quilt museum and regret that I missed my opportunity to see the ball of string. LOL
There's a lot to be said about doing it "my way," as Frank would say.
If you're going to jump into the dating pool ... do it your way.
Hi M,
Wow baby you are moving on and it's looking good on ya sistah, lol!
We seem to be in similar places right now. I'm still a bit hesitant about the dating thing though I'm starting to be a little more open to it.
I'm so happy you are at that place of peace I've heard so much about and have visited briefly here and there. Hold a place next to you for me? I've a feeling I'll be along shortly !!!
Oh my, dating sites? And Job, seriously???? WHAT WAS THAT MAN THINKING????? Good LORD!
2x love it - yes, do it YOUR WAY!
Now, to figure out what that means, lol
xoxoxoxo
Good morning guys and thanks so much for all your advice. I hear you and totally get it, it all makes sense to me.
I have always loved being alone and on my own, so Job, you are not crazy. It takes energy to be social and most of the time I prefer time alone to read, watch movies or sit in my backyard. I have a high stress job that requires constant phone calls and people in and out, so my quiet time is golden.
However, I do crave time with a companion here and there. I am like a cat, I want companionship on my terms! Also, my son is young and I don't really want to raise him alone, I would love for him to have a solid male figure in his world who demonstrated a good example of love, affection and respect.
Whatever happens, we will see. I am not out there searching, but my eyes are open now and I am very aware of what's around me. I am open to the possibilities but know it's best to just let life play itself out. The best things happen when you least expect it
I took S to a birthday party last night. It was an 80's theme and the music was great! It was all I could do to not dance and sing by myself! Anyway, he tried pop rocks for the first time. Remember those? We were cracking up together while our mouths fizzled away! Such fun times with him, he is my little miracle.
Hope you all have a beautiful Sunday
So, I was here checking on some posters real quick and H TM.
His mom has friends visiting and staying with her for 3 weeks. She had informed me and H of this via email at the beginning of the month to let us know she could not do Grammy day for the last 3 Thursdays this month. In the email, she also asked H to bring by S to meet her friends. I had laughed and thought, good luck with that!
Anyway, H just TM asking if he could take S with him to have lunch with these people, his mom, and his mom's stepson, wife and son.
I asked S, of course he has no desire to go. Big surprise there. I can just see his mom clucking in disapproval. My first thought was maybe I should encourage him for H, then I thought, wait a minute.
This is my time with S and this is not family visiting, these are strangers who S will never see again. H wants to play happy family guy with everyone. Well you know what buddy? Time for you to start living in reality. You have to go by yourself, and live with the fact that you don't have your son to introduce to them because you chose to tear your family apart and live separate lives, and your sons mom has him today. If it's that important to you, take S to meet them on your time, they have been here all month! It's time for H to live the life he chose. Glory hallelujah I finally get it!
I simply replied, sorry, we have plans.
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!
Good for you! Enjoy the day with S
Hi guys! Checking in to update and say hi. I have been a busy girl with fun mixed in.
Last week S had a field trip to launch rockets they built. H took the day off work and went. I was biting my nails worried he would oversleep and not show up, until he sent me a pic of the event. I was so happy, and S was really proud to have him there. H took his drone, I had to laugh at that, he is obsessed with that drone. Come to find out, it was a hit. He took video footage from above of the kids and the teachers just loved it. After, H went back with the group, had a picnic lunch and hung out in class until school was out, then spent the rest of the day with S. Big kudos to H for doing that.
I continue to lay low, NC and keep things short and sweet.
This weekend came the hiccup. I had my reggae festival yesterday. What a blast! Got to see my favorite band plus other great music all day, tons to see, fun crowd, it was really fun. Anyway, the plan was that H would have S later than normal, and I would pick up S after the festival if it was not too late. Otherwise, I would pick him up Monday morning and have him a bit before going back to his dads like normal on a Monday night. At least, I thought that was the plan.
H was thinking I gave up my Sunday night by going to the festival and he would have S all day on Monday since that is his normal day to have him.
In my mind, Monday is a holiday and would be shared. A definite miscommunication. H heard I told a friend I would have S on Monday and blew up my phone with angry spew. How dare I decide to take his day without asking him, how dare I decide this on my own, who do I think I am.....to make a long story short, there really was no one at fault here, just another day of not being on the same page. He even continued to badger me while at the concert.....my friends felt it was just drama because he was jealous that I went! Lol
I did good. I did not engage or rage back, I told him we did not communicate this well, but bottom line, S is expecting me either Sunday night or Monday morning. (As you know, S does not care for going to his dad's, which makes it all harder.)
I ended up getting S late last night and brought him home, S was so happy to see me. After all the hoopla, H didn't even pick him up until 3:30 today.
When H got here, I asked to talk to him real quick. First, I apologized for the confusion and for making him so angry. I told him no more bantering on text, I will not engage, and if there is a problem, just talk to me! No need to get so ugly about it. I went on to explain, to avoid this happening again, we need to get together a calendar and decide how holidays will be handled. I told him, with holidays, just because it falls on "your day" doesn't make it yours...they get handled separately. He said he did not consider Memorial day a holiday. Bingo! There was the problem, I do. I said another reason we need to go over this stuff, either on our own or even file for legal separation. He agreed it would be a good idea to work this out, but worried about the cost to do legally, do we need lawyers? I opened my big mouth and told him I spoke to a lawyer and we can just get guidance from them but do it through mediation. His eyes almost popped out, he did not like that. He said he did not understand what made me talk to a lawyer, what did he do, why couldn't I just talk to him. He said he feared lawyers because they will make us hate each other. I said, H, we are not going to be buddies and friends, hanging out together through this. He said, I know people who are. I told him, I just don't see that happening. I don't even know who you are anymore.
I said, can I ask you a question? He said ok. I asked him, are you happy with the choices you have made, are you content with your life how it is now and feel you are doing the right thing?
He thought a second and said, sometimes yes, sometimes no, I just don't know.
I must have made a reactive expression because He then said, do you? Do you know? Because you always are saying you are happier than ever and are doing so great.
I told him, I just want to know where this is going. We never talk about anything, this just keeps going on and on, and I want to know what is holding you back from doing anything legal once and for all?
He said, you don't talk to me about anything either, you don't tell me where you are at, what is holding you back?
I said, isn't that your place? You are the one who left.
He said, don't forget, you left too.
I said, and why did I do that? Because you told me you no longer loved me and didn't think we should be together anymore.
He said, I was being treated like a third class citizen in my own home. All your attention went to S, I was sleeping by myself, we had nothing anymore. You didn't want me.
I said, H, that is not true and I am so sorry you feel that way, that is not how I felt. Yet, I was not being showered with love and affection either, so was that because you didn't want me?
He said not at first, but things just became that way. I said yes, exactly, unfortunately, it was both of us. I said the thing is, I don't want to go back to all that, I don't want to go back there, I just want to put this all behind me and move on. I said, I just wonder what holds you back from doing the same?
He said, well, we should talk about this stuff, I am open to talking, you have never tried. I said ok, now is not the time, but we should get together, maybe have dinner or something, go over our plans. He agreed, said we can let each other know where we are at. I said yes, but first, do a holiday calendar for S.
At one point, he said everyone tells him he better hurry up and file, not to wait because it makes it worse and more expensive. I looked at him and said, well I hope I mean more to you than just a dollar sign. He said of course you do.....but I saw definite hesitation and uncertainty in his eyes. I certainly can't talk, I am no better by dragging this out for my own benefit.
He then told me, the only reason this even comes up is when you are mad at me. The only time you bring all this up is because you are mad. I was silent, he is absolutely right.
So, who exactly is DB'ing here? Who is giving who space? God, it's so confusing guys. I told my girlfriends yesterday, I would not wish this on anyone. Sadly, I don't see myself compatible with him anymore....yet...I couldn't tell him that. I couldn't say I am done, even though it's how I feel What IS holding ME back? I still feel I want inside his head and heart before I can. Does that ever go away?
I am exhausted and looking forward to going to bed early tonight. I hope you all had a good long weekend.
I am very glad to see that your h showed up for the field trip. He must have been in 7th heaven showing off the drone! He really needed to be a part of that field trip to show his son that he cared.
I'm sorry about the miscommunication, but it has opened the door for future discussions about how to handle visitation arrangements and hopefully to slowly delve into the murky waters of the separation.
I just shook my head about what your h said about others being friends, etc. My xh said the exact same thing after we had been divorced for 5 years. They think that even though you are separated and/or divorced that life should remain as it was and everyone be one big happy family or best buds. Separation/divorce can really change things for everyone, not just the situation, but the people themselves.
Well, it does sound like he felt left out after your son was born, but he doesn't get it...he could have been and still can be a part of his son's life and your life as well. Life does change a bit when a child comes into the world and it's not just about the husband and wife any longer. The family expands and you learn to love unconditionally w/all concerned.
I think that if you both are willing to sit down and talk a bit, it might help you both better understand each other. I would suggest going out to lunch or dinner, just the two of you. You could even meet up for a long walk or something, but I would do it on neutral ground whereby there are no distractions from the home front.
Overall, I think your discussion went well and yes, it did open up the window for some communication.
Keep moving forward...and that's my 2 cents for today!
Thanks Job! I was hoping to get your 2 cents! I agree, this has opened the door to talk. I feel like we are both in a state of not knowing what to do. Someone needs to make the first move, I guess that's me, which I really hate. I get tired of always being the strong one....
I also thought it strange that he came off like I am the one who is not talking, not making a move and not deciding. It's like, in his mind, I am the one who needs to decide. Not sure if that is mumbo jumbo, avoidance of reality or plain manipulation.
First things first, the holiday calendar! I will get on that right away. Job, I love your idea of taking a walk to talk. I would feel way more comfortable and relaxed in a nature setting.
I realize I don't feel scared of the outcome. I didn't hesitate or feel anxious in talking about legal separation. I used to get major butterflies. When H left, he also kind of mumbled, I guess I should get a lawyer and looked at me. I just shrugged. I think it it would be a great thing for him to sit down with a lawyer and hear the process of divorce. It just may snap him into reality, or maybe cause some movement in him one way or the other. Again, I feel no fear of this and it makes me really happy.
Lastly, at one point when he was describing his misery with me, (eyeroll), he said he just wasn't happy. It amazes me how he continues to believe happiness is based on a person or thing. He just doesn't get it, what a burden to put on someone? SMH. But I made a conscious effort to just listen. the thing that sticks out the most in the conversation, I keep hearing it over and over, is..."you didn't want me". Breaks my heart, that wasn't true. I was overwhelmed with life.
Definite lesson in life for me, to adjust my priorities. I never want to make a person feel that way again, it's a terrible feeling we here are experiencing ourselves.
Thanks for listening and have a good day
M
I think its tough when dealing with a MLCr .... the LBS of-course is the root cause for everything they fee right .. the hurt, anger you name it as far as they are concerned its us who was the problem. Until the light goes off and they realize that the LBS had little to do with their crisis there really is no sense talking about it.
Good news ... you have movement and gave him a very large piece of mental food to try and choke down. They can sense when we are done and moving on and its on them to push through whatever it is they are dealing with. You have handled this as well as anyone and continue to do so, as always I am rooting for you.
Hi MLeigh, on the 'you didn't want me' theme - I wouldn't 100% take that one on. I'm sure in all M's there are times when we are stretched and forget to cherish someone. Times when we hurt and irritate our partner. It's part and parcel of living together.
Do take and learn those things that help you move forward and be the kind of partner you want to be in the future. However also recognise that there is a 'part' to own for your MLCer too. There were options available to your H that he didn't take up - perhaps because he didn't have the tools to do that - but his to own nonetheless.
Take care my friend and I am glad to read the place you are in xx
I agree w/what Cali and Sotto posted to you. Don't take on 100% of the "you didn't want me theme" he's singing these days. That's projection and let's be honest, no marriage is perfect and still it's a choice whether to be a part of the family or to sit back and just let things slide. He should have spoken up and/or taken a more active role in the family. I have a feeling he just sat back and allowed you to take on a lot more of the stuff. Again, he had choices and he didn't step up to the plate. He is a grown man and if he wasn't happy at that time, he could have spoken up and maybe things would have been better for him.
The window has opened just a bit and it just might be the right time to communicate w/him, but don't take on the entire baggage. He's got 50% of that baggage to deal with too.
You are in a good place right now and please do not allow him to mess w/your mind. You aren't his mother and it is not your job to make him happy. He has to figure out that happiness comes from within and until he does, he'll never be truly happy. He's still got a lot of work to do on himself and you can't do it for him. Listen and validate when you have your talks, but don't allow those talks to make you second guess yourself.
Thank you and don't worry, I am not taking on the responsibility for his unhappiness. As I continue to process that statement, I do realize this has been the theme the whole time. "You neglected me. You gave everything to S, nothing to me" In all honesty, I am so tired of hearing it and can clearly see he is still stuck there.
I am glad I spoke up and pointed out he certainly wasn't treating me like a princess. I am also glad I told him I am no longer there and don't want to go back.
Thing is, it's become very clear to me that I have learned from my experience, I have grown, and am moving on. He remains stuck in the same place. It is just like we say, we keep moving, growing from it. They remain in "poor me" world. This is where it's tricky and for me, why I feel we are no longer compatible.
When we do talk, this will definitely be something I bring up. This has been an experience to learn and grow from. If he wants to continue to play the blame game, and not own up to his part, he is not for me. I know it takes longer for them to reach that point, I just don't know if I am too far ahead of him now. Having a baby rocked my world. I had no idea what the work involved would be like, the lack of sleep, the anxiety it brought on, the responsibility I felt to take care of this little creature. On top of that, I was working full time, coming home to cook my husband dinner each night, handling home responsibilities.....like you said Job, he could have helped. He sat back and watched me run myself ragged. My mistake and part I will own up to is, I should have spoke up and demanded help. Instead, I just kept telling myself, it will get better, it's temporary.
He took the day off today and has S since S had no school today. He sent me a couple of pics of S playing. I am keeping him from getting into my head. Nothing has changed except the opportunity to open a door to some better communication.
hi Mleigh
yes "the poor me" of MLC. I think that is why we get stronger as time goes on because we fight to move on. They self pity and want the world to pick them up so they stay in their dark place and project on us or anyone else in their way.
You do seem to have more communication with your H. If you are done it's because you know you are. I could say I'm done because of who STBXW is at he moment. If the old W evolved .. not sure what I'd do. It all deepens where i am.
wish you well x
Irish
Mleigh - I just caught up. Sorry, I know I am late to the table. I ditto Irish.
Several things stuck out at me. First, wow, your h has a lot of hurt. I hear a lot of hurt out of him. It's hard to know if it's projection, an immature understanding of marriage/raising kids or a bit of both. Marriages change when people have kids. Everyone has to work harder at most everything. And yes, both spouses neglect each other and even themselves. It's just something every couple needs to work through. His comments came off as a pretty immature. Did he think it would all be easy and his life would be unaltered?
And, it did surprise me to hear him say he didn't know if he was happy. I think that's the verbiage he used. He said sometimes he's happy and sometimes he is not. I am curious to know in what moments he's happy and in what moments he is not. Hmm. All that time off by himself and he's doesn't get the fact that nothing is ever perfect; we all have to find a way to make ourselves happy.
The last thing that resonated with me was that he seemed hurt that you said you are happy now with the way things are. One thought here. If you're going to have a conversation with him soon, maybe you consider addressing this? I know this whole scenario is not your ideal and you never wanted all this, but it came off that he thinks you did. No? I am just thinking this may need to be clarified as there sounds like there's a lot of hurt behind that? Just a thought . . .
You are a tough cookie! Kudos to you on all your hard work.
Hi Irish. you hit it pretty much on the nail for me. I am done with the H of today and the past 3 years. I loved my H before very much, and if he was to start to evolve back, and wanted to work on us, I believe I would certainly take notice and listen.
Hi HW. The last time H mentioned to me that I said I was happy now, I corrected him by saying, I am happy because I turned a chitty situation into an amazing life changing experience that I have learned from. Seems all he heard was, I am happy.
I agree, he sounds very hurt when we talked. His whole demeanor changes, his face gets long and gloomy, like talking to a child who is in trouble. When I told my co-workers about his statement of "you didn't want me", 2 of them said right away, that sounds like childhood issues. I got the very strange feeling like, in his mind, the tables are turned. Almost like he thinks I created and continue on with this limbo! However, my H is a master manipulator, and you through MLC mumbo jumbo on top.....
I admit, I fought it, but he did get into my head a bit. It didn't take long for me to snap back into the real world and out of his world. It actually angered me a bit. If I hear, one more time, his cry about how I neglected him, I will reach over and pull a hair out of his arm. One more time! GET OVER IT!!
Thing is, marriage should be a partnership with unconditional love. (Job's words). People make mistakes, together you should learn and grow from them. it's a learning process just like everything else in life. Mistakes will always be made, it's human. This would explain why we are all here, our beliefs. Knowing my H, he does not have these same values.... I have some good stuff to bring to the table when we talk. I agree that his thinking is very immature.
Cali-I know talking to him right now may be a waste of time and useless, but it's something I need. He encouraged it, so who knows.
On to some GREAT news! H and I attended an awards ceremony for S at school tonight. He made Principal's List for straight A's!! I am over and beyond proud, he worked hard and responsibly this year for those grades. When I got there, I took S to his teacher, then got myself a seat near the front. I did not save one for H, figured I would just let it play out on its own. The seats filled up fast. I saw H walk in and go up to S, then head towards the back for a seat. About 5 minutes later, he TM to say it looked like S was looking for me and wanted to make sure I was there somewhere. (eyeroll) I told him, yes, I was, that S and I were making faces at each other. This was the first time being at an event for S, where I did not care for H to sit next to me. I felt nothing, no loss, about it. I sat tall and proud, all smiles.
After, we all went outside together to take some pics of S with his award, then went our separate ways. How sad, I thought, that you won't be celebrating such an accomplishment with your S tonight. Sad indeed and his loss.
Congratulations to your son for making he Principal's List for straight A's! That is a major accomplishment and one that all can be proud of. Your h should be ashamed of himself since he was the one complaining for quite some time about son and his homework/grades, etc. Just goes to show you that your h is so out of tune w/what is going on and how his son is really doing in school.
I'm glad that you and your son had a great time. You've go so much to be proud of when it comes to your son.
M
There is just something about the feeling one gets when their child has moments like that in spite of this MLC crap that they too have had to endure. I think sometimes its so easy for us all to get wrapped up in all this MLC noise, we do what we can to shield the kids from it but they too have to deal with it, maybe more than we do because they can not detach ... 2 homes ping ponged back and forth yet they love anyways, maybe we can learn something from them (thinking aloud here as I ramble). So when they succeed I think we who can think and see clearly through this mess enjoy it that much more, and as you said ... we are a bit sad our MLCr's lack the ability to fully celebrate it whether it be emotionally, or just being present due to the 2 household situation.
I would guess H didn't like the feeling of not being a family, not sitting next to you ... I would guess with this and the past events there will be continued movement one way or the other.
Thank you for your congrats Job. In spite of H concerns about S future and his love of computers, My S has proven to be a responsible young man who has worked hard to earn those grades. 2 of his computer loving buddies made honor roll and celebrated along with S. I hope this opens H eyes a bit.
That night at bedtime, I again told S how proud I am, but I told him, more important than me being proud is for him to be proud of himself. I told him he should be proud of himself for taking his homework seriously and for putting his all into all of the testing, that being proud of himself is very important. He joked back with me, but I intend to keep drilling that in. Our self views are what build us into the person we will be someday. That our own self pride and self confidence is more important than what others think.
Cali, you are so right. To see my S love us both unconditionally, and to thrive the way he has, in spite of the problems between his mom and dad, is pretty amazing. It shows H and I are doing something right. It makes me think twice about making any drastic waves here.... which I find to be frustrating....but all in all S comes first.
Friday was playday at S school. They had different fun activities for the kids and needed parents to help with each activity. I was able to coordinate with work and help out for an hour. I showed up at school at 10 am, while walking in, I see H work truck parked. I thought, what is he doing here? I walk onto the school and see H walking. I immediately turn to walk the other way (instinct and not sure why) I walk up to my station, where a mom I know was helping, and H is there. He looked surprised to see me, gave a big hello, and explained he came back to put sunscreen on S because he hadn't that morning. Weird coincidence? H went to put on S while I relieved the mom. H then came back and asked if I wanted sunscreen. I said sure and thank you. We said goodbyes and he left.
S had a great time and looked thrilled and surprised to have both parents show up, although he is definitely into having space with his buddies...you know, being cool? It's really fun to see him growing up and I am going off his signals whether he wants me around or not. very new for me! But I get it.
I notice I seem to be in avoidance mode with H. I did it at awards and again at school playday....not sure why. I feel kind of bad, Its not a natural feeling for me.
I continue to think a lot about talking with H. Mainly, we got into this together, we need to figure it out together. For me to make any kind of decision, or to continue doing this, completely on my own, no longer feels right. I sense he is ready, as I am, to talk about some things. I am not sure what the outcome will be, I don't expect to have any huge answers, I feel it's just part of the process we need to go through. I look forward to talking like friends and am ready to open up. I have calendars printed up for us to go over holidays. I have a good feeling about it all, I plan on suggesting to get together towards the end of the month.
In the meantime, we stay busy! At work, we once again succeeded our goals and made record profit. This morning I cleaned our hot tub (mini summer pool) and filled it up so S and I have our heat escape. Tonight we have a grad party to attend. Next weekend I have a baby shower, the weekend after that is fathers day. I don't plan to ignore it, as H did mother's day, because that is not me. We will bake up H some goodies and hand S over to H even though it is my weekend.
I hope you are all having a good weekend and are enjoying some sunshine
Today I went out back to water my plants. I heard a sound, like either a swarm of bees...or a drone. I look up and there it is, it was the exact color and shape of H drone. I called out to S, who came out to see. It flew over, hovered above for a moment, then flew away. S says it was daddy.
I TM H and asked....crickets.
??????
Hi M, Just catching up ... sorry I haven't been around much. I wonder if you would be open to a marriage counseling session? Seems like there's an opening and it might be helpful to have a neutral party on board to navigate these waters? Just a thought?
I read that conversation between you and H and thought there's so much feeling still there on both sides, it needs to be sorted through and there might be some surprises once that's done, for both of you. Who knows? But then, you know I'm an incurable romantic and always hope for true love to trump MLC. Sadly, I'm often wrong so, pretty much ignore me, lol...
I will say that drone experience was a bit unnerving. Big brother is watching??? That would completely freak me out.
xoxoxo
oh and give your S a big hug from me for his award! Well done!!! xoxoxo
A drone flying over head? Sounds like your h is very curious about what you are doing and unfortunately, I call this spying/stalking. He can't understand why you are doing things a bit differently these days, so what better way to see what you are doing then to "drone" you. He's trying to see if there is someone in your life and that's why you've distanced/disconnected from him and his situation. He doesn't understand that you've had enough and are flying solo and enjoying life and your son. I seriously doubt that he will own up to spying on you. I had a feeling that drone wasn't just for entertainment and yes, it's going to get him into trouble if he's not mindful of the privacy of others. But that's not your problem to worry about except if it gets out of hand when he's doing it to you.
I might be wrong, but I don't think your h is ready for marriage counseling. Why do I think that? Because he couldn't even get himself together to go to the joint session when it came to your son. Your h still has a lot of personal issues to resolve before he can focus on the relationship/marriage. But, that's my two cents.
M
Lol ... have to laugh, its never boring with a MLCr is it?? Next week that drone will be flying in your house!!
I agree with job, no way he is set for MC, and still needs to do IC to deal with the torpedo that blew up in his brain and deal with that before he can come to grips with what this has done to the marriage and family over the past 2-3 years right?
Looking back at my sitch, MC session 1 failed (I didnt know about MLC at that time) due to OM (didnt know that either) and it was just a way for her to justify out M was on the rocks and about over.
MC 2 failed ... OM still in picture but she wanted to say she tried
MC 3 (Retroville) Failed ... she had for the time eliminated OM, but never touched on her issues, reverted back to what I had done while her stuff was to be forgiven/forgotten/or swept under the rug.
My point with all ^^^ ... her chit was never addressed nor worked on, you can not fix a M or R if one of the key components is still broken and in denial about it.
Oh my goodness - the drone in action again?? Whatever next?! It is a little telling that your H didn't respond to your query I think!
Maybe you need a drone defence system now?
I would agree with others that he doesn't sound ready for MC. I also agree that there seems to be some feeling there still. What you want to do at this point is of course up to you though. I think one of the big problems of MLC is it doesn't happen on a short timescale and I think many of us LBS's go through the whole journey, get done and move on before the MLCer is ready to re-look at the M. I think that's the really sad part and I feel it in my own sitch.
Anyway just my 0.2c and hope you've had a drone-free day today xx
You guys crack me up. The drone was weird and yes, a bit creepy. I can see why people feel violated with those things!
I called H out on it tonight when I dropped off S. I asked, so that wasn't you yesterday?? He just stared at me. I said, the drone? He said no, wasn't me. He said, you think I would do that then not respond to you? (Weird comment) I said, I texted you and you never answered? He said he didn't get a text, pulled out his phone, said shoot it's dead.
Whatever. I may never know.
I then told H I have calendars printed up for us to go over together and plan out the holidays. He says, ok, did you bring mine? I said, no, we need to sit down and go over it together.....he looked like he had no idea what I was talking about....
Job, I hear you laughing....
So I told him, if it's ok with him, instead of doing dinner, to go take a walk or hike instead to talk some stuff out. (Now I feel all the men cringing! I know...) So he said, sure, whatever, with complete disinterest.
So, I am not going to let this go. Holidays have to be worked out between us. I hope, during that time, to get in his head just a wee bit.
Bttrfly and Sotto, I agree that feelings are still there, I dont feel our story is quite over...
Cali and Job, I agree 100%, H is not ready for MC. I dont think either of us are, we are not there right now.
I love the way he swept the drone issue under the carpet. I can't see anyone else doing it, but who knows. If he didn't get the text, why respond with "you think I would do that then not respond to you?" Trust me, he got your text. I think he told on himself just a wee bit. He got caught! I think he was gaslighting you. LOL!
I think you are wise in discussing a schedule for the holidays. Of course, he had no idea what you were talking about...he thinks things will remain the same, but unfortunately, that is about to change.
No, your story is not over. In fact, a new chapter is about to begin.
Oh I agree that was a case of 'gotcha!' You didn't get the text??
Maybe buy yourself a nice bikini and sunbathe in the garden next weekend
Xx
First bedazzled jeans, now a drone mystery. Sotto, you may be on to something there, but if not H, could be some perv or weirdo!
I forgot to mention a few more things. S and I got to H house before him last night, waited about 5 minutes. When H pulled in, he was blaring my favorite band, the one I just saw at concert, window down, and made a point to stop in front of me so I could hear. He stayed there until I finally responded with a smile, then he pulled into his parking spot. Now he is listening to my reggae? He listens mainly to country.
Also, he mentioned running into me at playday when he brought the sunscreen for S. I told him I couldn't believe he drove all the way home and all the way back, that he could have just let me know and I would have brought it over for him (I work around the corner from school) He said, I didn't, I had it in my truck...then he sheepishly said they had just gotten there, they were late. So once again H overslept and got S to school almost 2 hours late. He said when he saw me at school, he got worried it was because I was looking for S.
I emailed the teacher to ask if this happens often. I know of at least 3 times this year....makes me wonder how often it happens and how often he oversleep when he doesn't have S!
Which brings me to one more thing I want to share with you guys. I was talking with my girlfriend and her husband last weekend, both dropped friends of H, about legal separation. The husband spoke up and said I want to say one thing and that's it. He said, if you make custody legal, ask for H to do drug testing, make sure S is safe when with him. He wouldn't say why or anything further about it, he still considers H a friend and is hurt by the whole situation.
This is not the first time I have heard this from our friends and I have had my own suspicions. It sure would explain ALOT! It has given me some food for thought and maybe a direct reason to file for legal separation....
Should I ask him flat out about drug use when we talk? Or just leave it be until I see proof? We are talking about a child involved here, Curious what your thoughts are. For some background....H played with drugs when younger, but never while with me. He does currently hang out with a friend of his who had a vikadin addiction. He also has mentioned an old friend of mine, who he got the dog house from, who had drug problems too.
Do you think you'll get an honest answer about drug use from your h? I don't think so. I could be very wrong about this, but I think your h stays up late and then over sleeps. Crisis people in many cases can't sleep because they can't shut their minds off.
My lawyer thought the same thing was going on w/my h, but he wasn't using drugs at all...the man was just burning the candle at both ends.
If you are going to make the custody/visitation legal, I would have it stipulated that your son is required to be at school on time and if that is a problem, then maybe your son needs to be spend time with his father on Friday and Saturday nights and on Sunday nights if Monday is a holiday. Getting your child to school late because he's overslept doesn't cut it w/me. Yes, I can undersand if the electric goes off, but they have cell phones and alarm clocks that they can set to wake them up.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and swims like a duck it isn't a moose ...
my point ? you have had more than one person bring this up. Don't ask him about it. Just put it in play.
make sense? you won't get a straight answer.
Mleigh - if he can't own up to doing a fly-by w/the drone, I don't see him admitting to anything more serious.
But, I think it was smart to ask for how many tardies your son has had this year and to determine when was he signed in on those late arrival dates. 2 hours late?!? Mine is not an oversleeper. He is too busy trying to outrun the Grim Reaper that haunts him! He burns the candle at both ends.
I only have experience with my MLCer, but it's up close and personal and I can certainly see how people could believe they are on drugs when that fog is so deep and that confusion is massive. It's a sight to see. Unless this friend has seen it, I wouldn't assume. But, to people who don't know what's going on, I can totally see why they would assume that.
Thank you, I truly appreciate your advice and it's all good. I guess it would be pretty silly to think H would answer me with, "yes W, I dapple with drugs here and there. Sometimes when I have S in my care". I know instincts and gut feelings count, so I will keep my eyes and ears open. H has made some pretty dumb choices, but doing that while having his S would be pretty far out there for him. My instincts don't lead me to feel S is in any danger when with him.
Good news! Teacher answered saying it was unusual for S to be late like he was that day.
Thank you again for your input. It always helps to talk and think things out here. And yes, so much of their behavior is so bizarre and different from their normal state. Hawho, you live with it everyday. While H lived here, I truly believed he was on something most of the time. Even FIL, a retired cop, asked me if I suspect drugs when this first went down .... Again, eyes and ears WIDE open.
Have a good night
Hi guys! Well, I had THE TALK with H so wanted to share and journal before I forget some things.
I decided to make it happen sooner than later, so I was happy H agreed to the last minute invite. I found a sitter to take S to and H came over. I suggested a walk, but he said he was tired and asked if we could just talk there. I said ok, but outside, I figured it might help me keep calm in my happy place.
He laughed because I had the holiday calendars in my hand and he commented he didn't have any paperwork to bring. Ha ha. So I basically started off by saying I feel we are stuck, that nothing is happening or changing, and that I am hoping by talking about some things, that it may help us.
I asked him his thoughts on family time. I expressed my concerns about it. Somehow the conversation turned and I spent the next two hours hearing him vent everything I have done wrong and every way I have hurt him. At first, I will admit, I got defensive and I threw some truth darts back, but more than anything I kept saying that I have gotten past all that and just wanted to move forward. That did not sit well with him, I finally realized he really needed to express this stuff.
So I finally stopped talking and just listened. He let it all out, from S birth, to vacations, to feeling unloved and unwanted. He talked and talked until it finally just got quiet. His main point that he kept going back to was how much it upsets him when I tell him this is his choice. His point to me was that I made all the choices I did to bring him to the point where he was so unhappily married that he couldn't do it anymore.
I listened, I apologized, did the sorry you feel that way. and told him that I understand our marriage was not in a good place, and that I never want to go back to that. We both made choices and mistakes. The question is, did we learn from them? Do we see how we could do things differently and can we commit to those changes? I said, to me, marriage is all about getting through the tough times together, learning and growing from it. I also pointed out that most of the hard times he vented about were when S was younger. I reminded him that S is a temporary fixture here, he is going to grow up and leave, then we would be alone together again.
He listened and agreed. He also said he finds it hard to believe I could change and he still thinks he would be neglected over S. I told him, sorry, but your kind of being a baby over it. Things change when you have a child, but yes, there are things I wish I had done differently
So I told him, I can't speak for him, only for myself. This experience has taught me a lot about relationships and I believe I have learned ways to be a better partner. I hear him loud and clear that he felt neglected and I will do my best to be more aware to my partners needs, whether that is him or someone else. I said, I don't want to be alone anymore, I want someone in my life. I want S to see his mom loved by a man and to experience a full time family, so you can either believe nothing can change and we can go our separate ways, or you can at least give it a chance.
He threw some more stuff at me and I again said look, if you can't get past the past, then this is a lost cause and we would have our answer on what to do . I told him I have worked really hard to put the past behind me, I moved on, but I told him, you are still stuck back there! He said he wasn't hearing what he needed to hear. I asked him, what do you want from me? He said I need to know that I would matter and not be invisible again. I said I am not going to beg, and I honestly don't know if I can be the person you need, all I can say is I hear you and I have learned, I don't have a crystal ball but I know I am not the same person I was.
At one point he told me that it hurts to hear I am happier now than in years. I said that is because I am able to be me again. I didn't blame him for that, but I did tell him I felt very criticized and judged by him and his family, but more than anything, my happiness comes from a better more positive perception of things.
He expressed jealousy over bad boy friend, I assured him once again that nothing happened. we talked a little about dating and we both shared that neither of us have. He asked if I was set up with someone, another story fed to him I assume.
We touched on his parents a little, he says they miss me and wish I wouldn't shut them out. I expressed why I feel hurt by them.
It was actually a really good talk. A lot was said and shared, including that we miss each other. He said he has given up so much that he misses and he thinks about us and this situation all the time.
Soooo, We agreed to try going on some dates. HOWEVER, we are both skeptical. He worries I haven't changed and will always choose S over him. I worry that he can't let go of the past and that I will be under a microscope. We shared our concerns, but agreed it's worth a try.
When he left, he said he was glad to have talked, that it felt good for him to get so much out and that he felt it's a good start. He will take H for the day on Sunday (father's day) and we decided to see fireworks all together on the 4th. We didn't get any further on holidays, it's a wait and see thing.
So there you have it. I finally got my talk and I feel it was a good thing. It is very clear he is stuck, so we will see how that transpires. I know pushing too early is dangerous, but this talk really helped me in a few ways. First of all, I was able to get in his head a bit. Mostly, I saw inside of me. It's clear I am strong enough to walk away if this goes south. While listening to all his venting and criticising, I could see that girl he was describing. She is so 5 years ago! Then, I could see me, today, shining like a bright light. Strong, confidant and wise in new ways. I know I will be just fine, no matter what. He will either wake up and realize that, or it will be his loss.
Thanks for listening and hope you all are well. I hope to do some catch up on threads soon!
Hi Mleigh, interesting talk with your H and thanks for sharing details. From what you post it does sound like he is in the frame of mind that you made him feel unloved and unwanted. I don't really see any introspection about his part in the demise of your M. Of course if he was feeling that way, there were things he could have done about that - raised this with you, told you what he needed etc - that he presumably didn't do. I don't really see that he is aware and facing that part.
He still sounds to have quite an immature and self-centred take on things and there doesn't seem to be much in the way of mature introspection.
I think until he accepts and understands his part, it may be difficult to really move forward - though a few light dates could be interesting to see how you both feel.
Xx
I agree w/Sotto. He's still not looked within and realized that he had choices and yes, he could have stepped up to the plate at any time during your marriage and said "I'm not happy, you treat me like the invisible man". He never did that. This conversation was all about him and how he felt. It doesn't sound like you were able to express all that you needed to express and yes, he's still living in the past. He's stuck just a bit. He'll have some time to digest the conversation, but until he "owns" up to his half of the demise of the marriage, it will be difficult to move forward to a new one, i.e., he's expecting you to change and what about his changes? Did he volunteer to work on himself and make changes for the better?
I think dating might shine a light on your situation a bit better. You both will be going out into the world to "neutral" grounds and then you both can decide how best to move forward...but it's going to take few dates to figure out how best to move forward.
I think you've learned a lot about him and where he's at currently...still in the past and can't seem to move forward. People do change and they need to be given the opportunity to move forward and shine, i.e., just like you've been doing. Let me leave you with this question....has he changed for the better or is he the same old h? Some people remain unchanged because they like staying in the rut and don't see or want to put forth the effort to change and be happy, i.e., they choose to remain unhappy and complain about it until the day they die, i.e., they like playing the "poor me" card over and over.
Hang in there.
As I laid in bed last night, the conversation kept sinking in more and more. First off, H feels he did speak up when he was unhappy I can remember him voicing somethings, but I was so buried in life and I was not very responsive to it. We did touch on it a bit yesterday, and I asked him point blank, what did you do to make things better?? He said, by then, he was so far gone, he didn't have it in him to try anymore, he just lived day to day being miserable. (Eyeroll).
In response to you Job and Sotto, H is still in major self pity self absorbed mode. No, he did not care about hearing my feelings during that time when we talked.
Another thing that screamed out to me is his negative perception of things. He complained about a time we were on a cruise, and S and I went to rest in the room while he wanted to hang out by the pool. This is his memory of a Caribbean cruise that I booked for us to spend time together that was full of fun memories.
He complained about how he felt I used him as a baby machine when I was trying to get pregnant. He forgets how hard it was for me, how I had to use temps and charts, and mostly, that I wanted a family for us.
My H truly only thinks of himself, he has no empathy for others, especially me, and this is how he always has been. He sees only the cup half empty and this is where we clash. EVERYTHING is about him!
No, he has not learned or grown from this experience. He is stuck in the pain and hurt he was feeling. He also continued to back up and support his parents, friends and all his own actions. As usual, there was no support and back up for his wife. That has always been an issue for me.
To answer your question Job, he is same old H. I just SMH. I continue to feel we are not compatible right now, so I will continue as I have been. These are all key points I will bring up with him the next time we talk. I know people can change, but not so sure he can.
Mleigh - Like my h, I think your h also has a very unrealistic expectation of marriage w/a child and really, life itself. Geez, the two of them sound like clones of Eeyore.
Raising kids is hard work. It takes time and energy. Some couples do manage to grow closer in those years. Personally, I think they do so by understanding that there is some "couple" sacrifice that has to take place to raise kids. Certain things have to be put on a back burner for a later date.
You can see all the negatives in it, which it sounds like your h certainly does, or you can say: it wasn't always easy, but it was worth it.
I think his comment about the cruise is really immature. Maybe you should dig in your heels and mope: "I wanted to rest and you were by the pool!" It's just babyish.
As for his comment that he felt used as a baby machine, well, there too, it was a certain reality. Sometimes life doesn't go exactly to plan and you just have to do what you have to do. I am sure that all was not your top choice, either. But, he can see all the negativity or he could say: "thank goodness we were able to have a child and thank goodness he is healthy." Not everyone is so fortunate. Many people go through that exact process (or worse) for years and years and cannot conceive.
When is the last time you heard him say anything positive? And did he say one positive thing in your conversation with him?
Good question HW. I really only hear positive from him when about S and grades. Other than that he is pretty doom and gloom. He does get happy when playing with S and dog.
Yesterday he made a real point of needing to get this stuff off his chest. When I would say I dont want to rehash all that, I moved on, he said that wasnt fair for me to say I dont want to talk about it when he needed to. That was when I finally just listened
Also another major point he wanted to make was how I say he has given up on our marriage. He felt I did that during those low times. He felt I was the one who stopped trying first. .
Maybe getting this all out might help him to move out of being stuck? Maybe that was a first step like he said. It was the first I really felt I was listening and understanding his points in a long time. He would look relieved when I would recap his feelings, to make sure I understood his point.
We will see how this plays out. I hope his vent will help him to start looking within.
Hi mleigh
I am pleased you were able to get h to talk to you, even if you did not quite get the reaction you wanted from him. It sounds like it is still currently all about him being the victim and woe is me, he still has a way to go in his journey. You did well to keep the conversation going and the way you handled it - I would probably not have been so cool !!
My thought is to now take some time to allow both yourself and your h to process the talk you had. Also I would let him come to you to arrange a date, otherwise its you taking the lead and right now its him who needs to put is words into action.
Don't forget you in all this, its easy to get caught up and not tend to your own feelings and thoughts. Stay strong, remember your hopes, wants, needs and dreams are important and that you deserve the best that life can give. His criticisms of you are coming from his own issues which he is doing everything possible to avoid dealing with, please dont let them knock you down, they truly are his to own and not yours.
xoxo
M
Ok ... from a guys perspective *ducks from the high heels*
When the kiddo comes there certainly is a record of us men feeling neglected, we go from the Knight in Shining Armour to the dungeon as the guy who created this baby being who is more work than any of us would have imagined ... especially for mom early on. I know I felt that way, and there is not a book they give us on how to handle the second seat, in a way we get it but I think what we miss ... least I did... was how exhausted she was at the end of the day , she never truly had the energy of me nor 'us'
However ... I do agree with the masses, he is still all about him, how wronged he was and not owning his side of the pie. I think thats the mistake I too made was she wanted to work on things only because she found herself alone, she never dealt with what put the MLC bus into motion, never addressed her issues .... I do not think your H has either. Knowing your sitch he has some serious Mommy Dearest issues, I am going to guess you focusing on your son sparked the MLC in him a bit and made him think about being neglected as a child ... just my hunch and something he needs to deal with before he can crawl out of his tunnel.
Lou - good to hear from you! Thank you for stopping by. Wonderful and sweet advice, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about me. I continue to feel focused and strong. Emotions are not leading me on my journey right now. Wisdom, reality and strength are.
Cali - exhausted is an understatement! Throw in hormones, body changes and the guilt, the tremendous guilt, of leaving a helpless child with strangers in daycare to go to work all day, it was some of the most painful and difficult times of my life. Never having had much of a support system, it was a nightmare for me. When I got home from work, I couldn't get enough time with my baby. When I snuggled with S at night to go to sleep, all was well in my world. H is absolutely correct about him being put on the back burner, I just wish he could understand why. It wasn't because of him or anything he did or didn't do. In fact, it had nothing to do with him. I was not prepared at all for the challenges that came with having a child. And you are very right, along with the masses. I see the link to his childhood loud and clear.
Our talk continues to sink in. One thing I have learned in life is the importance of perception, and that is my main focus right now. H opened up more than I have ever seen. I went into our conversation prepared to agree to separate permanently and pick holidays. Instead, H, not me, but H turned it into him missing us and wanting to see things work out, but scared it would all be the same. Not in those exact words, but I could feel the desire and fear in him for our family. I see this as a big step. It is a tremendous struggle for H to open up and express honest feelings.
Because of the amazing people here and lessons I have learned, I was able to make it a safe place for him to vent.
Now, on to the reality of the situation. H still has quite a ways to go. Until I saw him change, and saw proof that he has learned and changed as I have, there is no doubt our marriage would go right back to the place it was. I am fully aware of that and figure that could take months or years. In fact, I don't see anything really changing much anytime soon, which is ok with me.
I have been so closed off with H, but after talking, I feel it's time to soften a bit. I feel friendship is key right now. All in all, I feel a little more clarity of how much this time has been a gift and continues to be. I am still very unsure of the outcome, I continue to not see myself happy with H, nor do I see myself able to meet his expectations. But I do see myself moving along as I have been and am willing to see how H evolves on his own journey. I feel we are finally on the right path towards some answers.
In the meantime, life moves on. Meditation has become a huge necessity for me and part of my nighttime routine. Peace is inside all of us, please take the time to connect with it. Time with friends is priceless. My S is stuck in summer camp, which he hates, but because I work so close to him with amazing co-workers, I am able to pick him up and bring him to my office for the last few hours each day. THAT is HUGE for us. So, life is good.
Big hugs to you all.
Mleigh, just stopping by to say hi. I don’t have much advice here. Just want to tell you that you are an inspiration to me. You are enjoying your life, while still being open to the dialog with your H. He’s got some ways to grow, that’s for sure. I’m coming to a conclusion in my own sitch, that if there is chance for a R down the road, it has to start anew with the friendship. My sitch is a bit different though. I have a grown up son and don’t have to worry about co-parenting.
I think it is huge step that your H had finally voiced his frustrations. I would encourage him to talk about that more. More he expressed himself, more he will be able to process things. I know this from my own experience. I used to hide all my feelings and resentments inside, and they just kept growing bigger and bigger. Once I learnt how to express my feelings and resentments, I was able to finally put them behind me (thanks to H and DB, ironically…) mleigh, keep listening to you H and validating. I think it will benefit both of you.
I hope your son enjoys his summer, in spite being stuck in the summer camp, LOL.
Hi mleigh4. I'm just catching up on your sitch and wanted to stop in.
I agree with the others that it sounds like your H has a ways to go in realizing that you aren't responsible for all his discomfort and unhappiness. But, at least he's talking and that gives you some insight into where he is on his journey.
I'm glad you have found ways to find some peace. I think that's something all of us here yearn for.
Hugs to you
2T
Hi Mleigh
Very interesting conversation with your H. I have to agree with everyone. It was all about him. He seemed very concerned about you being with someone.
I think he needs a mom.
I do think he is making progress, him talking about it will echo in his own thoughts later and maybe he'll see his issues. Hopefully he discusses those as well.
Continue what you did, all you can do is listen.
Just don't fall too fast in the trap. I'd hate to see your H doing this o avoid being alone. He needs to do it to be with the amazing person you are.
Hugs
Irish
Bright, 2times, Irish....you all inspire me. I think the great thing about this site is we learn and grow with each other and through each other's experiences and views. Thank you for your insight and kind words.
With yesterday being Fathers Day, I found myself struggling a bit. On one hand, I was completely ignored and forgotten on Mothers Day, not to mention I have built 10 foot walls around myself this last year.....I felt tempted to ignore it myself
On the other hand, that is not the person I want to be. Plus, we had the talk and I listened to his hurt over feeling invisible.....
I stayed quiet in the day until he TM that he was on his way. He was picking up S to take him to his dad's to swim. He called S, asking if he wanted to eat out? Eat at papas? Was he hungry? It was hard to stay quiet as I love cooking for him, but I couldn't bring myself to offer....not sure why, just couldn't. I figured, if he invites me, then I will, but I went back and forth in my mind. I haven't seen or talked to his dad in a long time. I did send his dad a Happy Fathers day TM and he replied thank you.
When H was almost here, he TM asking if I wanted to join them. I replied I didn't feel like swimming, but would be happy to cook them up some grub. H jumped on it. He picked up S and dog, and I headed to the store.
I showed up with bags of food and cooler with beer and wine. FIL did not realize I was coming to cook. He offered to order a pizza. I said oh no, I am here to feed and serve you! He seemed so happy. I pulled out appetizers for them to munch while I cooked us up NY steaks. They swam, then we stuffed ourselves. We laughed and had a good time, very mellow, very relaxed, very much like old times. The 4 of us always did things together, travelled together.
SIL showed up, and boy did the atmosphere change! She is a mini MIL, she complained about the parenting of the little girl she nannies, complained about the parenting style of some other people, just total negativity and put downs. Being that is a trigger topic for me, I found myself taking deep breaths. She went on and on while we all pretty much stayed quiet. At one point, when we told her about S straight A's, FIL gave me credit for having always read to S. (That felt so good) She said that was great, then went on about how kids these days get rewarded for nothing. Finally, I grabbed plates on the table to clean up, went in the house. H got up and followed me, said she was really annoying! Lol, if he only knew he can act just like her!! I just smiled and said it's best I just stay quiet
We went back outside and listened to her drone on, a know it all about everything, until finally FIL stood up and announced time to watch the basketball game. She said her goodbyes and left. Whew!
No wonder H was attracted to me, I am so opposite of the women in his life!
Overall, it was a really nice time. Very comfortable, not awkward. When I left, FIL gave big hugs, said it was a wonderful fathers day and asked if I would keep in touch. H gave me several thank yous throughout the day and was very attentive back. I was really glad I decided to participate in the day. S loved it too.
I dropped off S with H tonight. He told me about his horrible day at work and showed me text exchanges with a couple of his employees. So, H is general foreman, and I read these texts and saw him, honestly, being a real a## to these guys. I caught myself from saying so and let him go on about their incompetence. In these texts, he argues and puts these guys down, so I suggested, next time, just call them and tell them in simple terms, what you need and expect from them. I didn't tell him this, but H is really a monster with his angry TM's! I have seen it firsthand, but to co-workers? Not cool. He agreed talking would be better.
H also brought up his sister, what a know it all she is. I again just smiled.
So much is becoming clearer and clearer. The atmosphere he was raised in, his mom and 2 sisters, really did a number on him. His dad was a cop and away a lot, it just explains so much. It's amazing how much you learn when you just sit back and watch, listen.
I want to be the calm in his storm, no matter how things turn out.
Hope you all have a good week
Mleigh - nice job zipping it and just watching the family dynamics on Father's Day. I know what you mean when you say that the more you watch, the clearer things become. I feel the same exact way.
SIL and MIL are handfuls and unfortunately, it seems to be second nature for them to surround themselves in negativity. How exhausting it must have been to listen to all that.
Your FIL sounds great and I am glad you were able to enjoy the day despite SIL's attempted hijacking.
M ... as always you sound very strong in this as you have been throughout.
Not much to add .. I read up on you but have little to say these days. Keep going
Hi M......whew SIL sounds like hard work!! That must have been pretty draining and I agree that you did well to ride gracefully through that day.
Sounds like you are doing well generally too my friend and I'm glad for you.
Keep in touch & have a lovely weekend xx
Hi guys. is it just me or is time flying by!? I have been busy and feel a need for some R and R, which I plan on getting today.
After H had shared his work related stress with me on Monday, I decided to send him a quick TM Tuesday morning to say I hoped his day was better, with an emoji sunrise. He replied a few hours later saying it was now. A nice response
Tuesday MIL said she could pick up S from summer camp on Friday after lunch. I said ok, then heard nothing more from her. Friday afternoon, I took my lunchbreak at about 2:00 and decided to see if she had picked up S or not. She had not. How does she think that makes S feel? To say she is an unreliable flake is putting it nicely. I can not wait until the day I no longer need to deal with her.
On Wednesday, I got a TM from FIL to say thank you again for coming over on Fathers Day and to say he loved me. I am glad I have reopened the door to my R with him a bit, but I feel hesitant as he is the closest connection to H.
Contact with H remains positive but scarce. He came yesterday to pick up S and stayed for a couple of hours. Apparently he bought a broken electric bike that he fixed up and took out on Friday night. He crashed and has a huge gash across his chest. I shake my head but just told him I was glad he wasn't hurt worse.
After they left, I headed to a graduation party and had a good time. Bad boy friend continues to try to get my attention, I now have friends telling him directly to give it up already! We all danced up a storm while the grad and his buddies waited for his mom and friends to tire out so they could take over the party. Lol. Since the day he was born, the grad has grown up with all of us around. His dad, H best friend and my very close friend since High School, passed away in 2007. The grad gave a heartfelt speech to us all thanking us for being there for him and his family through such tough times. His mom, one of my BF, had invited H. He mentioned he might stop by with S, but of course didn't. She has been very open in letting me know she feels let down by H, but she keeps her home and heart open to him. She is one of my biggest inspirations, a truly amazing woman and I let her know it.
I continue to feel H and I live in very different worlds. While here yesterday, a few general statements were so full of negativity. I just feel we have nothing in common, other than a few brief connections here and there, there is nothing that has me seeing us through this. I continue to hope he learns a way to have a more positive outlook on life around him.
My state of mind has changed so much. I feel inside to be full of warmth, hope, faith and an overall sense of positivity and calm. When I am around a vibe of negativity, I feel an urge to move away from it. I find myself moving and growing further from H, yearning to have a more positive person to be a part of my life.
The way I see it, one of two things will happen. Either H and I will find a way to reconnect. Or, someone new will come into my life who I feel a connection with. In the meantime, I live on and move on, to see which happens first. It sounds a bit bad I suppose, I no longer feel a real "committment" to my marriage. After so long, that has faded, I feel more that I am open to letting my life unfold as it will be instead of trying to control the outcome. I feel very at peace with that. Life is short, and right now, I don't see us being a fit. That goes both ways, we both deserve to be with someone who we can be ourselves with and feel happy with. I don't see myself being that person with H, and vice versa. Not sure if I have changed too much, if H has changed too much, or both. The love will always remain.
Next weekend is 4th of July and I hope we can all enjoy the time together. I find myself trying to lead H towards a happier view and path, but we all know there is only so much we can do. They need to figure it out for themselves.
On a creepy note, I found my side gate wide open this morning. All gates stay closed because of dog, but she was with H last night. Someone was on my back deck, not a good feeling for a girl home alone. I checked all window locks, all in place. It's a comfort to know I have a house alarm too and will be using it.
I hope you all have a good weekend and week. Stay positive and live in the moment.
Mleigh - nice to hear an update on you.
Regarding the gate situation, yikes. We are having many burglaries in our neighborhood and people are starting to padlock their gates as an easy precaution. Burglars can still climb a gate but I think it just makes an attempted entry it a little more visible and so deters it? Good to hear you have an alarm. Be safe.
Your FIL's message is really sweet. That is a very thoughtful reach out.
You sound grounded and solid as a rock.
Catching up on your thread, sounds like you're going well.
I had my back gate (narrow access alley between fences) broke and pushed in a couple months ago. Thankfully my dogs are always here but still a bad feeling. Anyway, maybe a trail camera would be good to put up. My sister and her h have a lot of property and had trouble with someone trespassing. He set up a trail camera and caught their neighbor.
Good to hear about you fil, that you can maintain a r. I tm'd my mil happy bday last weekend and asked if the kids could call her and got no response.
Glad to hear you sound good, take care.
Hi Mleigh
Hope to hear an update from you soon.
Hugs
Irish
Hello and Happy 4th!
Nice to hear from you guys and Irish, thanks for checking in
At H recommendation, I put little clippy locks on the backyard gates. I haven't had any problems so far.
MIL contacted me via email last week listing all the days she can do a Grammy day with S. I called her out and asked what happened on Friday? She replied saying she did not recall saying she would get him on Friday. I have the text! She also added that she had missed a breakfast date with a friend so she could be wrong....So we decided to just keep it on Thursdays. She is obviously having memory issues and changing the day seems to throw her off. Some of S summer camp field trips fall on Thursdays so she will just lose her Grammy day if that is the case. I alerted H that his mom is forgetting things again, I let him know about the Friday, I figured he would want to know. He said he would be happy to help with giving her reminders. I let him know I would be reminding her the nights before Grammy day and would include him in the loop.
As far as H...contact remains rare but positive. I saw him at drop off on Monday, then no contact all week. On Friday, I got a TM from him. It was a link to a reggae cruise, with my favorite band on board, along with some great others, happening next year. He added "hmmmm??" I was at work and it totally shocked me. Is he inviting me on a cruise? We joked at work, a bit fast moving! I just wanted dinner! Lol. I replied I am in! However, it falls on S 10th birthday, so may not be happening, but a very thoughtful gesture from H.
Later that night S and I bought a pack of fireworks and sent H a picture asking if he was ready for craziness. They are safe and sane fireworks, only thing legal here and very tame, but H throws us a show every year and I really do love it
H replied definitely and that he wanted to bring the drone over during the weekend to do a test run for the firework show that we have in town.
He brought it over Saturday night and flew it over our friends house nearby. A fun way to say hi, lol. He brought up the cruise and said he figured I would be concerned with the smoking, as reggae and that go hand in hand, however we don't smoke. I told him that actually doesn't bother me, I was fine with it at the festival, but missing S big 10 would. He agreed.
Sunday, I decided to do a little test. I wanted to take S and dog on a hike at a nearby county park. so I reached out and invited H. He said to let him know what time we were going. When I did, he said he was not able to make it, but maybe we could do dinner at my favorite place. I said ok, that I couldn't find anyone to go with us hiking, so if we disappear, he knows where we are. He said not to say that and to let him know when we got home.
Me, S and dog headed out and got stuck in a standstill traffic jam caused by construction work on a two lane highway up the mountain. After 45 minutes of sitting, and dog and S whining, I turned around and went a back road. That included a dirt road through the mountains, sometimes down to 1 lane, and required 4 wheel drive, but I did it!! S did not like it and got a little freaked out by the cliff drops on the side, but I assured him it would be ok. We made it to the park and had a nice walk. It was a little hairy, but having S full attention and conversation for 3 whole hours, with no gaming, was priceless.
I got some great pictures and sent them to H when we got home. He said he was happy that he didn't need to send the drone looking for us.
After a few hours, dinner time came and went, and no word from H. I finally TM him that we were hungry, what were his plans? I am testing reaching out, to see how that goes. H replied saying he didn't realize I wanted to do dinner because I didn't reply to his suggestion and that he had snacked, then suggested bringing over prime rib for the 4th. I got a little irritated and called him out on flaking today. I told him to just admit if he is being a couch potato. He replied it's the opposite, that he spent the day getting rid of weeds and was now working on a tool box he got. So I said, you passed on hiking with your S for weeds? He didn't like that. He outlined his day, with times, asked if that was ok, then ended with asking what time he should be over the next day with the prime rib. He added angry emoji, which made me laugh.
Next thing you know, we are sending goofy face emoji, animal emoji, dumb stuff back and forth. I was cracking up, it really broke the ice, it felt good, and I realized how stupid the whole argument was. So it ended on happy notes and a plan to have prime rib today.
So, my test results are this.....I am not ready to be reaching out with invites if I am still not ready for it not to happen. I am still taking it very personal. In my mind, he is not a man who wants to save his marriage or family, or is he? He has done his own reaching out. He invited me swimming with him and S last week, and I chose not to, and he didn't have a fit about it like I did yesterday. IDK, I feel like if we don't start reconnecting, it's never going to happen.
Day by day, breath by breath, I am looking inward for answers. The other day, I had a mini meltdown. It was Thursday night, S was with H and I was feeling emotional and lonely. I looked up some dating sites. I was looking at the sites, at all the faces smiling, and it did not feel right. I am still married for Pete's sake, I thought. So then I googled, how to know when you are ready for divorce....two sites recommended a book called too good to leave, too bad to stay. I purchased it.....then starting realizing I didn't want to spend anymore time or money on trying to make a decision on my own. H and I went into this together, we will go out of it together. He is not off the hook on this....so I cancelled the order. So I had myself a good cry! It has been so long since I had, and it felt really good. So it got real quiet and I opened up my mind and asked, what now? Loud and clear, the word FAITH came into mind. Then, have faith, the answers will come.....it brought me back to peace.
The next day was when I got the cruise info from H. So, my door and heart are open. Either H will walk in, or someone else will. I am back to letting it all unfold, I need to stop trying to control it. I need to just have faith.
I will let you know how today and tonight go. I am looking forward to good food and fireworks.
Happy 4th to everyone, hope you have a happy day!
Hi Mleigh
hope you had a great fireworks night and 4th of July :-)
I was down there for Canada day (July 1st)
you looking on dating sites is normal. You are at a stage when you are starting to look out for you and your needs. You not pursuing it just means you are not ready. I know you've hearing it over and over. Your marriage is over , at least the one you once new. If you start a new relationship with your H. It will be a new one.
Glad your gate issue is fixed.
I have a drone myself. they are pretty cool :-)
hugs
Irish
Hi Irish, yes, dating and talking online sounded like a great idea until I tried. lol. I guess we are part of the science experiments in this process. No I am not ready for that.
Just a quick update as H has been active in my world the last few days.
4th of July was a really good time. H and I decided dinner time would be at 6:30, so he was due to show up around 4:30 or so. I don't hold my breath with timeframes as H has terrible time management skills these days. Around 4:00, my girlfriend came by to visit and H showed up shortly after. Her husband ended up coming over, a dropped friend of H who misses him dearly, and we all enjoyed a delicious meal of prime rib. H also brought dessert and a good chardonnay for me, very thoughtful. I apologized to H in private for the unexpected guests, they did not know about our plans, but H said it was fine. To be honest, these friends have been good to me these past years and I enjoyed having them. S hung out and played right along with us, we all hung out in my backyard, and everyone, including H, commented how nice and relaxing it was. My upcoming beach house trip came up and I reminded H he was welcome to come.
After dinner, we all went to friends house to watch the local fireworks. H was able to see their newly built home for the first time. S was snuggled up with H all night, I got a very cute pic of them together with fireworks in the background.
The next morning, I sent H the pic. He replied with a big happy face.
Later in the day, he texted asking for the beach house dates. He wants to come
This morning, he sent me TM to say thank you for inviting him. He said he has enjoyed the time all of us have spent together recently and hoped I have also. I replied that yes, I have.
I am feeling a little shift going on since he vented at me for 2 hours during our talk. It seems getting that all off of his chest has helped him. I hope to possibly talk a bit more, if the time seems right, during our trip....all I know is our friendship is growing and the awkwardness is fading. Slow, slow slow feels the way to go. And all I am doing is just being me and continue to keep moving forward. Well, the new me. A kinder, calmer, more open me.
GAL activities continue. I have dinner plans with a friend tomorrow. Movie with S either Friday night or Sunday, we will invite H too. S is dying to see "the secret lives of pets". Saturday night I am going to a local comedy play, I was able to round up friends and all my co-workers. We will have a blast and I am so looking forward to it!
I need to catch up on posts here, I am wishing well for all
Mleigh, you sound great! I’m glad you and your son had a wonderful 4th of July! Of course your house and your back year are very mice and relaxing, LOL! I wonder when your H will “truly” realize it!!! I can almost feel it when you say that “our friendship is growing and the awkwardness is fading”!
Keep doing what you are doing. You will be the one to ultimately decide if you want any of this or not. I’m very excited for you! One way or another, you will be fine. You are a great catch, mleigh! Remember that!
Bright, thank you for such a sweet post! Things just keep moving along....
Last Saturday I took S to drop off with H. S brought his swim trunks and told H he wanted to go swim at papa's. He is loving swimming this summer! H was ecstatic and said sure, then asked if I wanted to come. I told him I couldn't, that friends were showing up soon and we were all going to a play downtown. As I drove away, I felt like I sensed a little bit of hurt feelings from H. Maybe it's time to start inviting him to things like this.... later that night he TM that he got the time off to join us at la casa en el mar
I went to the play that night and had a great time, but stayed up way too late. I was really tired on Sunday, but we decided to meet up for the movie S wanted to see. I struggled to stay awake and made it! Lol. I took S home with me after and H said he would come by later to bring dog home, which he did. The vibe between us remains very friendly and relaxed.
Monday morning he TM that he had an early morning meeting on Friday and asked if ok to bring S home Thursday night after dinner, unless I wanted to meet up for dinner? I told him I would love dinner, that I could meet up after a quick work mixer at a local winery.
He replied great, then added the weekend couldn't come soon enough, and that he bought a bunch of beach toys for our trip.
We continue text exchange daily, all through the week, along with a countdown towards vacation.
Thursday night came and H chose to meet at our all-time favorite place we always used to go to. We met up and had a great dinner, along with S, and we all talked and talked and eventually were almost the last people there. It got late really fast!
Friday at 5 I sent him a TM of a happy vacation! He replied with a big finally followed with about 20 different emoji's of food, drinks and beach stuff.
At 9:00 this morning he TM asking what time we leave tomorrow and what food to bring. Lol. I think he is more excited than me! We decided to go shop together before leaving.
Overall, our communication remains light and fun. I like this H! We are getting along well and I have a feeling we will have a good time. I am keeping my expectations at fun only and hope for our friendship to continue to grow. So far no real sparks between us, more of a safe comfortable feeling. I am enjoying that after these last few years and feel no need to push, rush or even try to figure out what is happening. I feel a great peace that things are playing out the way they should, whatever that may be.
Now, to get myself moving because I have a lot to get done before leaving and feel very lazy! Wishing you all well.
You sound great MLeigh!! And I'm pleased to read about the positive interactions with your H....I hope you all enjoy your mini-break
xx
Sounds like everyone is ready for the mini vacation break! Enjoy your time away and leave the MLC thoughts at home, and keep the expectations at zero. Just go and have fun.
mleigh4 I hope your vacation goes really, really well. You sound great and it's good to see that your interactions with your H are positive.
Enjoy the vacation!
Hope you are having a great vacation! Wishing you great moments!
sotto, job, 2T and HW, thank you for your well wishes! Vacation has been wonderful.
H arrived on Sunday, 1/2 hour late but that was expected. We laughed about the bags of food and supplies I had for a 3 day trip. We were prepared for a month, a natural disaster or a shelter in place! H said he was not surprised and loaded everything into his truck, he offered to drive.
We arrived at the beautiful beach house on a bluff overlooking my beautiful ocean. I was in heaven. It was pretty perfect and exactly what I needed. I was out on the deck enjoying the view and noticed the neighbor out on his. I introduced myself, the new friendlier M who now loves to meet new people, and we chatted. H came out looking for me and we all started chatting. The neighbor commented that it had been foggy for weeks and cleared up as soon as we got there. H laughed that we normally have that effect. Honestly, we are always very lucky with weather on our trips and that played true on this one, the sun stayed out every day.
We spent the time going on walks and playing. H and I spent hours on the deck with binoculars watching for dolphins, whale spouts and watching the fishing boats. We enjoyed the sunset every evening with cocktails and music. We cooked delicious meals and mainly relaxed. In fact, the first day, all of us took a 3 hour nap together on the bed, including dog. I think we all needed that sea air and relaxation. We only went down to the beach a couple of times, the trek down was very steep and exhausting! Dog LOVED it! S got a bit anxious when she would go near the water but soon realized she was fine. We found some perfect sand dollars too. H took his drone out and got some beautiful footage of the ocean, the houses and the farm land surrounding us.
There was no R talk or affection, but a very peaceful, comfortable vibe between us. H did show some thoughtfulness by bringing me coffee and putting on my favorite music at times. The times I would take dog for a quick walk to have some me time, here he would come. I made a point of remembering his fear of being invisible so I decided to give him the same attention as I give my S. That made it easy for me and H seemed to appreciate it.
The time went fast and we were packing up to leave. Now, here is where I got a bit annoyed and tested. We had to be out by 11 or would be charged more for every 15 minutes, according to the house rules. I was running around like a mad woman basically doing everything on my own while H took a long time in the bathroom then a shower. S did help with what he could. When it got to be 10:45 I called H through the door, saying I needed his help. He came right out and was asking for orders. I was a bit flustered by then, but remained calm and stated what he could do. It ended up working out, and I did not blow up like the old M would, but I felt it was really selfish that he did not help more. Then he had the nerve to give S a bad time for not helping more. I wish I had spoken up to that, but was really distracted with getting the house in order at the time.
We were on our way. I was back in my happy place, and H wanted ice cream so we stopped off to get some on the way home.
When I got home, kitty had not been seen by my friend that was coming to feed her. She did not come home all night, but was there in the morning, thank goodness. I was worried sick by then. Now, she has not let me out of her sight! lol
Overall the trip was nice, I was happy that H joined us. He made for a lot of laughter and fun times. He really is a big kid. At one point, he wanted me to ride his motorized bike. I tried to get on it, but it is a boy bike with the bar and high up, I am only 5 feet tall. So H assured me that the brakes work good if I want to stop quickly, he kept pushing me, telling me how fun it is. After trying to get on it, I calmly assured him that it seems really fun, but with being so small, even when I brake the bike, my legs can't reach the ground and that makes me really uncomfortable. To explain the reason, instead of just getting annoyed with it, like the old me would have done, seemed to help him understand why I would not ride the bike. I am learing new ways to express myself with him, in hopes that he understands where I am coming from.
I still have a few days remaining before going back to work and I am still in total relax mode. This has been a wonderful time off and I am loving it.
S, who does not like to leave home and travel, seemed to enjoy the beach house, he said it was much better having dog with him, so this may be our new vacation theme.
H has S right now, so its lunch time, then a nap. What am I doing to do without daily naps again?
xxoo
Oh, I forgot to mention a moment of self reflection with H. We were watching the very first episode of SNL. He commented that he used to stay up late when he was young and watch it with his dad. I said really, it wasn't very age appropriate for you, was it? He said "no, it wasn't, maybe thats why I am so screwed up"
I laughed and looked over at H, he was not laughing. He got very serious followed by silence. Possibly he is starting to look back at some childhood things...
One thing I know for sure, I don't feel like the enemy with him any longer. The dynamic between us is very different. I don't get the feeling he is hiding things from me, or needing to get away from me, all those feelings I used to have. I feel there is a trust rebuilding between us that makes fora very comfortable atmosphere.
I'm very glad that all of you had a great time. I'm also glad that kitty is back home and safe. Enjoy the rest of your time off.
mwah! M so happy you had a relaxing time and that you and H are getting along well. Really happy kitty is ok and home! xoxoxo
He commented that he used to stay up late when he was young and watch it with his dad. I said really, it wasn't very age appropriate for you, was it? He said "no, it wasn't, maybe that's why I am so screwed up"
wow... at least he knows something is wrong in the control tower.
So happy you having some normalcy with your family. Enjoy it and no pressure. See where it goes.
hugs
Irish
Mleigh, I’m so happy to hear that you had a great vacation! And that you had very positive interactions with your H!
One thing I know for sure, I don't feel like the enemy with him any longer. The dynamic between us is very different. I don't get the feeling he is hiding things from me, or needing to get away from me, all those feelings I used to have. I feel there is a trust rebuilding between us that makes fora very comfortable atmosphere.
This is huge!!! This is what I constantly go back to when I start thinking about a possible R with my H. Will I be able to get pass these feelings that he is hiding something from me? The most important part would be, would he try to hide anything from me. Because this would be a no go for me. I don’t want to be there again.
M wow... at least he knows something is wrong in the control tower.
Irish, you crack me up, LOL!
So good to hear that you all had a nice vacation!
It's good to hear that it was peaceful and that there was a shift in that your h did not seem to have that bulls eye on you.
M, thank you for the comments and insights you posted on my thread. You make a lot of sense and I appreciate your advice. I responded on my thread.
I'm so glad you and your H are enjoying each others company and the trip went so well for the family.
Keep up the good work! You inspire me.
Much love,
2T
Hi all,
Well, vacation is over and it's back to the real world. Also seems that H has retreated a bit back into his hole.
Contact is still friendly, but scarce. I am still digging into my own feelings towards H. The weekend after vacation, H had S, who wanted to go swimming. He had some errands to run, but eventually got S to his dad's to swim, and invited me, but warned of a big rig crash on the freeway that had traffic backed up. I checked and Sig alert showed bad traffic, so I passed. About an hour later, I took the same route to hang out with a friend at her house. H called while I was there and sounded surprised I was nearby, I felt a bit guilty? But honestly, I felt like some fun, and my friend is more fun to be around than H. Ouch, right? Eh, we need our girl time.
It surprises me that I don't yearn to be around H anymore. Those feelings have long faded....I continue to think, every single day, that this is going nowhere, that there is something better than this out there, and that I don't see us coming out of this married. Every Single Day.
Last weekend I had S and he again wanted to swim at pappa's with his buddies. I picked up his friends and took them, I also let H know. He ended up coming and barbecued us hamburgers, which was nice of him. One weird thing, the boys ages are 9 and 11, too young, in my opinion, to be left unattended in the pool. Everytime I would pop in the house for something, H either had his back to them or would come in the house. I finally said, someone needs to stay out here with the boys, they can't be left unattended. H said, they all know how to swim, right? I said yes, but they are still too young to be left alone, not to mention we are responsible for 2 that are not ours. I was shocked about H, and now worry about him taking S swimming. The next time, I plan on talking to S, to make sure he stays out of the pool if no adult around.
The night before that, S informed me that H forced him to shower instead of letting him take a bath, so my gut tells me that jerk H has come back for a visit....
Monday was my birthday. Happy Birthday to me!!! I actually felt very anxious, tried very hard to have no expectations, but with our growing friendship, I expected to be treated like a special friend. I just treated the guy to a beach vacation for Pete's sake! Well, my expectations led to big disappointment. First off, H kept telling me at his dad's on swim day that he still needed to wrap my presents. Not sure how I was supposed to respond? So my birthday comes. I kept waiting for those flowers to be delivered to work! You know, the ones a man gets his wife? Ya, that didn't happen. No request to a birthday dinner either, just a Happy Birthday text mid morning. It was my night to drive S to H, so we headed there like normal after work. On the way, H texts that he still needs to wrap gifts and I may need to wait. Then he asked if I had dinner plans, because if not, he and S could wrap then meet me for dinner. This was at 6:00 at night that he came up with this idea.
By then, my girlfriend had found out I had no plans, so of course I already had plans and let him know so.
By the time I got there, I was overflowing with hurt, but I kept my cool. He came out with a bottle of wine, a cheap one by the way, he had to know I would know that, and told me here is one of my gifts. I calmly thanked him, told him not to worry about the others, to take his time and give them when ready. I am sure my smile was fake, but I did smile. He then said, well me and S can come over after your dinner plans. I told him, no, that's ok.....
Next day, I pick up S from summer camp. He can't wait to get me home to open the presents that daddy left in the garage. Yep! H dropped off my presents in the garage.
S was very proud of them, he told me he picked them out for me. That amazed me because every gift was something I would have gotten myself.....a gnome for the yard, a Sun windchime, a beautiful plant pot and a wine cork holder. I praised S, told him I was very impressed at how well he knows me!
After having a good cry with my good friend, and wondering what the he!! I am waiting for, I decided to look at this in a light other than feeling like my H heart is just no longer in this.....a big production was made that S did this all for me, and I choose to see this as an amazing gift from him, and an effort by H to make it all about him. I am disappointed, I won't lie, but I did not react on those emotions, as hard as it was.
I also realize, my H is just plain weird. I know he doesn't do things to hurt me, he is in his own world and has been for a long time. I think about things he does, says, how he lives his life, and I really believe he is just plain weird and getting weirder the older he gets! Lol.
So, no anger, just sad, for our relationship, our family and our home. I was most worried about the example this gave S, to leave presents in a garage instead of making time for a good friend, but S has shown me his thoughtfulness and his joy in giving me those presents. He was full of love and pride, and that was the best present of all. My crazy H problems faded away.....
Aside from that, I stay busy with my friends and co-workers who I love dearly. I got a raise too! So life is good, all are healthy and I can't complain.
Love to you guys,
M
I just want to add, I don't mean to come off sounding unappreciative of the fact that H even acknowledged my birthday, let alone took S out shopping for me. I know many here get nothing and I know the pain that brings, my heart hurts for all of us here. My sadness comes from the reminder, on a special occasion, that my marriage is dead.
I can't put down H for his heart not being in it, because my heart no longer is either. Maybe he senses the same thing I do... I love him and I love that we have built a friendship...
I am upset with both of us, that we are not able to get it together enough to fix this. I continue to hate the back and forth that S has to do, I hate that H chooses to live alone instead of with his family. I hate feeling scared to bring things up, to discuss the reality in front of us. I think about D daily, yet I realize no one wins. Whether we continue like this or D, S continues to pay the price having to go back and forth. I wonder, if we work through and stay together, am I settling? I wonder, having always been the leader in this R, if I should push a little, but do I really want that?
Job, I know you always tell us the answers will come, and many of mine have, and I truly believe they will. I keep telling myself, this is all part of the process. Each day, each situation, each step is needed. I have faith in that and I keep digging for the strength to keep moving on, to keep the peace, and to be the rock for my family.
You all are a part of my strength, thank you for always being there.
M
Happy birthday M, a few days late - just checking in here today ... I have a few thoughts which are worth exactly what you're paying for, namely $0, so take it for what it's worth:
I read about H and the birthday awkward/ineptitude and saw it a bit differently: in the past your H has complained about you not wanting to be with him or make time for him. I'm not saying he did great ... but I am saying he did pretty good for MLC - still baking. Look at it from this perspective for a second: he took S shopping. He paid for presents. He ineptly tried to spend time with you (after plans were already made) .... remember they are in the MLC time zone, very different from the rest of us. Is it possible that H felt a bit rejected when you said you had plans (I know this seems preposterous to the rest of us but bear with me)?
You guys are all suffering from post vacation let down for one thing, plus it must be weird spending vacation together only to go home to separate places. i think H retreating is not unexpected in that circumstance?
I'm so very sorry you are hurting. I completely understand where you are coming from. I am throwing this out there in hopes of giving a bit of perspective for what might be going on. MLC is a lodestone around our necks at times, never moreso than around family events like anniversaries and birthdays.
Anyway, we love you and I wish you the best of all things this coming year and always xoxoxox
Happy Belated Birthday! I'm glad your h at least purchased some gifts for you. I have to agree w/bttrfly...he did take your son shopping, etc. Maybe your h, in his mlc mind, is getting mixed signals from you. Maybe he thought you were just telling him you had plans and didn't want to spend time w/him. It's hard to say what goes through his mind.
As for him distancing himself after the vacation...I'm not surprised. They enjoy family time and then distance themselves for a bit. They need to settle back down and think about things and trust me, he'll come around again very soon.
Try to remember...it's not you...it's him and he's still baking.
BTW, time to start a new thread!
Hi Mleigh - happy belated birthday! I don't have much to add to what Bttrfly and Job have said, but I want you to know I am reading along and thinking of you.
Mleigh, happy belated Birthday! I like bttrfly’s comment. Looks like your H tried to do something, but it came out very awkward to you. You just never know what is going on in the mind of a MLCer and why they do certain things. I was trying to process the thinking behind my H’s gift for my B-day (a lipstick), while my mutual friends were telling me that he made a comment that he wished I removed my clothes from “his” closet at the Condo. Go figure…
I’m sorry that H’s actions (or inactions) on your B-day set you back. And I completely understand why you are asking all these questions about the future and what you want, and about your son and his wellbeing and his place in all of this…
I’m glad you are staying busy and keep moving along with your life. I know it sounds like a broken record, but I do believe that the answers will come sooner or later. It does seem like a long time that you’ve been in this “limbo” state, but it is probably nothing in MLC time. I totally agree with job, that your H is still baking… Take care of yourself.
Hi M, Happy Belated Birthday wishes!
I dont have anything to add to what has already been said about h and your b/day, I understand it from both sides. I am sad you are feeling so hurt by his actions ....or inactions as the case is ... you had an image of how the day would go in your head and it didn't happen, so the disappointment is very much felt. The golden rule M, no expectations - easy said than done I know, its a trap I fall into often.
You had a really lovely vacation and felt the connection, even as just a friend, so to have h retreat and go back to his own world really does cause confusion and yes, rejection. Its the worst feeling and each time it happens you will question if he is really the one, if he is really worth it, but m, don't make any decisions now, be patient, keep going forward on your own path and focusing on your future and allow your h to work out his own. I know its hard and I myself am terrible at practicing what i preach, but try to remember, when he says and does things that you feel are hurtful, your h generally has no clue that it is, he is most likely not doing it intentionally, his thinking is completely out of whack right now.
Look after yourself M, treat yourself kindly this weekend.
Love n hugs to you xoxo