That's right, I will dedicate this thread to love and discover myself.
After reading V's message from my last thread, I realized that she is totally correct. Being a wife, a mom for so long, I lost the "Attraction" tools, mode.
I need to re-learn how to flirt. I am not a model, but I don't think I am the ugliest. I am not young, but I am not super grandma. So, what is keeping me from being a better woman?
MYSELF... Totally right, I am my worse enemy and I have been keeping myself under the water because I feel bad that my stupid XH left me to be with another woman.
I have been feeling less then I am, very insecure of my physical being, my accent, even my knowledge have been playing big on me, like my job, etc.
Spoke w/my IC after long time not seeing him and he said that even if I get back with my XH, that would be very important for me to experience some new horizons. Like give myself a chance to meet someone new. Or go on a date with another man. He even went far to say that it would really positive to have sex with another man.
He said that it would be healthy for me and if for some magical reason I get back with XH, I too will feel that I did it because I made a clear decision to be with him.
He said that he is afraid that I may get back with him and then feel I do not love him anymore.
And guess what? I am so confused about my own feelings that I do not know if what I feel is love or something else.
One thing I did is that I finally got the courage and wrote to the Career Coach, he sent me a lot of info and I emailed back to him saying that I want to set up an apt and try to change my life moving forward.
I feel it's time. I feel want to be more then this crying baby that I became. I want to get rid of this horrible pain that is still stuck in my chest. I want to forget XH and have freedom for life again.
I am really tired of feeling he does not want me. So be it, if he does not want me then I can't do anything about. I will care for someone that care for me.
By the way, updating:
* After Easter Sunday, XH gave me the cold shoulder. He is not really avoiding me because he is around the kids since it is spring break. This morning he picked up the kids to go to the mountains and he did not came in a house.
* I got only an email from him and that was the parenting schedule proposal. And by the way, he sets dates like picking up the kids from school until 5/30 or setting up 5/25 to be with the kids and forgot that it is his S18 Senior Night.
* On Friday 4/1 I called him and asked his help to transport an aerator to the house for S16 football fundraiser that would happen on Saturday morning. This is a fundraiser to help him to collect some funds to help with the cost of his trip to Florida in august.
XH was kind and did it. He said that he was happy to help us. Then he left right away. Next day he did not help at all.
So, what I see is a lot of disregard for anything that is important. I noticed that every time he is present and participating in anything about the kids, is because I asked him. Because I texted him and said that it would be important for his kid.
He is always ready to take the kids to eat out, go to a movie, or go skiing, snowboarding. But when it comes to what really matter, there is nobody home.
I guess I will just stop asking. Maybe one day he will realize what he is doing, or maybe the banana won't think about it at all.
I know I sound like I criticize him a lot, and that he is trying his best to be present in his kids life, but I can't be blind and don't see that he only does what is interesting for him too, like the snowboarding thing. He wants to go, and he wants the kids company, not the other way around.
Another thing is that I was checking on some French guy's FB page and I found a picture of XH and OW together at the last sales meeting in Colorado. This was dated 1/17/16. So, he is lying to me saying that he broke up with her since September last year. The jerk was with her this last January and here.
I guess the DB that I will be adopting now is the one to take care after my own business and make believe XH is dead. All the lies, disregard, disrespect... it all makes me sad.
I kind of understand the whole MLC, but I have no idea if there will be any cure for all the craziness because in his mind, I can see it, he thinks he is doing a lot and everything right.
And now, he is ignoring me big time. Like I do not exist anymore. I guess that is what he feels, that I do not exist anymore.
Well, the hell with this idiot.
I just got a call from the career coach and schedule an apt for 4/12 for my first session. Wish me luck! I will let you know how that goes.
I will change my life again. I will become a person I love just for myself. I will show this banana what he throw away.
Love you all,
Pink
Good for you girl!! you inspire me
Hi lovely P - I'm glad for you that you are talking to your IC again, and a career coach too. Interesting views from your IC about dating. I can see his point that exploring other things may be a good idea. But I also think it is best to do that from a place of wholeness within yourself - and it sounds as though that is where you are focusing, which is good
I hear what you are saying about feeling 'less than' because your H had a PA with OW. I'm in the same boat of course and recently I have been saying to myself that H's choice to go off and have an A with someone in no way diminishes me. I am still all that I am whatever he may be doing and I think those destructive choices are all about him.
From what you post, you are still working through the pain and that takes it's own time. But you are moving forward and I like in you your zest for life, and that you get back up when you are low and you move forward again. These are great qualities that will carry you a long way forward - whatever your H is up to.
I'm sorry you saw the pic of H and OW....so maybe still some kind of contact going on there - all cheaters lie of course. But in the longer term, my guess is that R is doomed. The whole - we live on different continents and both have kids thing for a start. Still, it will take the time it will and she is his problem and need not be your concern.
For you, I hope you enjoy dressing up, feeling attractive, having some fun, charming people with your lovely accent and more. I know there is hard work in amongst all of that, but also carve out some time for you in there.
Sounds like your XH has withdrawn somewhat. He may not be able to deal with the emotional aspects of being in touch and is processing. But maybe just note that and carry on with your own stuff. What he does needn't impact on you and my guess is he will come forward again at some point soon. What you choose to offer him at that point is up to you of course.
In the meantime - as tfish said - good for you girl!! Xx
Hi Anjo. Ive read and re read your post and one thing really stands out for me as very wise and very very important. ,,,,,,,
He even went far to say that it would really positive to have sex with another man.
I'm very selfless and if that what your IC thinks then I would like to volunteer for the job. LOL
Of course I would expect you to buy me dinner first !!!!!!
ONLY KIDDING (. About the dinner )
All joking aside , you saw the picture and you have put your interpretation on it. You may be right but you could easily be wrong Let it go as you do t know what it means
IMHO you are still reacting to stuff and not relaxing back and letting things happen re XH. From what you post he is in the push / pull phase and not ready to commit.
It's hard to read the rest of your post because I know you are an attractive lady , on the outside and more importantly on the inside so while I understand it's how your feeling please know you are very pretty IMHO
Great news re the career advice and while money isn't everything , it certainly helps !!!!
Follow your heart re XH because your wonderful explosive temperament doesn't help you with making wise choices sometimes
Take care Anjo. From number one volunteer for ICs advice. Rd. xxxx
RD, that is noble of you to volunteer to support Pink in her...erm...treatment programme
I'm sure she'll be very pleased - although I do think you should throw in dinner and a spin on your bike at the very least...
I agree with RD about the picture - yes clearly they have been in contact - but (unless the picture showed clear evidence of romance) who knows on what basis? Be careful not to let your mind wander on this one...
I agree with RD that you are fabulous - attractive, bright, independent, feisty, fun, loyal - and please never think otherwise.
Xx
Pink, I like that your thread title says 'Time to love and disco' on the last post column....maybe there's a message in there for you....
xx
Falling in love with yourself is key. It's probably one of the hardest things to do, but you reap the most reward.
It's the most important relationship in your life
Not much time right now, but just want to say that it's very tempting for me to accept your volunteer services RD. I just need to get my job searching going on fast because the biggest issue now will be money... you see, I need to go to Ireland, buy you a dinner, that alone is a lot of investment. Then you probably want a massage, chocolate... huuummmm.
It is indeed something to think about... will write more later. Love you guys so much. You made my day!!!
Tfish, thanks for stopping by. Sometimes there are no more choices besides going for.
Ginger, thanks for stopping by too. I got to the conclusion that for me to feel good about myself and show genuine happiness I need to achieve something. This time I feel that I need to step up on my job situation and be self sufficient financially. I searched a lot inside of me and that is what I need to feel more confident this time around in my life. It takes time for me to digest some critical events in my life, but eventually I do step up my own game and go for it. As I say, I will rest when I die and I am still breathing.
Sotto - you lovely strong lady. I agree with all your comments. EX business is not mine and I need to let go on all of this. It is just so much shame that he lies this way to me.
The way I see it is that I am not going out of my way asking him about his R with this bitch. So why to say things to me that are not even true. Oh well, his loss, because I do feel good with myself by being an honest person.
I can close my eyes at night and I do not torture myself with my soul full of sins.
Well, spring is here and there is lots to do. I intend to keep my attention on myself and this thread will be for that. I have been feeling I deserve better and it is not necessarily related to man itself.
Right now, I need to find my path, my inner strength. I need to want to feel loved again. It's actually not so bad if I think about, rediscovering a woman after 20 years is quite an adventure.
And you guys know me, it will all happen with laces, pink colors, transparency, high hills, lipstick, nail polish, wow... the whole girl foolish stuff. And I bloody love it!!!!
By the way, I don't know if I told you before, but my hair is more and more caramel with yellow highlights. I am changing it gradually so I don't damage my curls.
RD... I am smiling, I actually feel good with the offer.
Kisses to you all,
Pink
Hi Anjo. Would love an update If you get time could you let us know how your doing. ?
Take care. Rd. xxxx
Yes Pink - been thinking about you too and wondering how you are doing. Drop us a note when you get chance xx
Pink,
I'm very sorry about your h and him possibly remaining in contact w/the ow.
Good luck w/the job search. This should be a good time of the year to be searching for jobs. I do hope that you find a job that you will enjoy.
You are a strong, independent woman who knows exactly what she needs to do to move forward. I have no doubt that you are a success and will continue to be during your life's journey.
Please take care of yourself.
My take is on the pics are if she still around she "could" be still in xh life in some form.
It doesn't mean too much except if to you, if you set down I'm not plan b and ow is not in pic, then I would just let him be. If you are ok with it then what ever.
Me I wouldn't be happy as he lied about her before and now says he doesn't see her at all yet the truth is he has even In just a work business way. Kind of like buying a pile of chocolate when you go on a diet, defeats often the good intentions.
Pink I was just catching up with your thread, and you sound like a really strong person.
Good luck for the job search and everything else.
Hi Anjo Still looking for an update please
Take care. Rd. xx
This OW will keep the ball in play. Of course, I suspect she has several balls in play in different parts of the world.
French fancy, it's easy for some women to be cordial in that way.
As soon as the ball pulls away she drags it back to kick it again, and many men want what they can't have. So they get dragged back in.
That's WH enthralled to a tart.
It's running its course and your xH is travelling the Kubler Ross curve, there are moments when you could R. In those moments you will have to be ready.
So it is in life.
I have no desire for R, I doubt if I am R material and I am aging and so the risks get greater. I am too damaged although there is some repair. Here I am two years down the line and the wound is still being dressed. It takes time.
I like the thought of R, and not with STBXW, in fact I am still grey rock. I am still afraid.
That is what I see Pink fear, what ifs, not act as if. Not grey rock although something similiar. You know how and are resistant.
If I was to tell you that grey rock doesn't suit me although I need it, that I do not want to be Vanilla, that it is easier to be Plain Vanilla instead. I think this is so for Pink, instead of vibrant Crimson Pink, you want to be dusty dull pink. I think you may be afraid to be that Pink that is attractive to your xH. I ask is that because of what ifs?
If I were Pink I would be truth darting xH on the picture, it can be very straight up when the opportunity arises. Do so with humour than anger.
V
I don't think you need to look at being flirty with xh.
More like at him, so how do I put this. Be preseted well, be happy light cheerful by unaviable.
Remeber back when I went to collect my things from xh2 house, I was dressed in a dress stockings heels makeup hair. He wanted me to trail him round from here to there and back across dirt in my best red sweude shoes!
Did I nope, my attitude was nope you collect (in my head I was thinking fetch small untrustworthy man fetch!) stood there in a sweet heart neck line standing almost stretched, he was sweating bullets.
What he expected was not what happened, he in his ego thought I was dressed to seduce him, what he got was left high and dry after about 15min thinking wtf happened.
You need to flip his thinking to wft?
Well I would... But then that's me and supposedly I'm super dooper odd.
So here are some updates from just me, my life, my kids...
S16 is on a crazy football regimen now. He is exercising every day and does not eat sugar at all for 6 days a week. The boy is looking awesome. Finishing up school w/a 4.3GPA. Being bright, caring and sometimes a pain in my rear. Love him!!!
S18 is graduating High School, passing w/a 4.1GPA, he is gorgeous. Also, super diet and exercise to maintain a nice body for when he joins the football team in college. Lots and lots of stuff to do right now. His last school day is 5/18 but then there is tons of stuff and graduation celebration on 5/28.
S21 is doing a lot better with this new treatment approach, who would know that he does not have anything else but a high IQ. Well, I am happy because he seems to move in the right direction now. Today we are going to church were the pastor will pray with him.
Me... besides being a mom and a busy mom. I am also working full time, I finished my sessions with my career coach and it went really well. Started my computer classes and it will take some time because in order for me to get the certificate I need for the programs I want, I need to do it all. It is unfortunately, but since I am just one, I need to leave my job stuff on the back burner for now. I am just too busy. Beginning june I will be back on my pursuit for happiness.
Did my garden, have house about ready for the party, plant my flowers, sent invitations out, made a list of the food I will prepare, loan some stuff from my friends, separated some others from the garage. Need to do some decoration shopping.
Need to pick up XH's stepmom and husband at the airport on sunday 3/22. Well, I also have a woman's retreat in Denver on 3/21 to 3/22. It will be kind of crazy.
I still cry, feel miserable, say it sometimes : Why Me?, feel sorry for myself, and all the bad stuff.
But I also smile more, feel good about myself, more confident, feel I need to fight for my own life in a way, don't wait around feeling sorry for myself, and all the good stuff.
So, as you see, I am very average and I am just moving along through the paths of life.
Sometimes I get kind of frustrated because my life is always on the waiting line. It was before and it is now. I need to get some things done, out of the way in order to have my own life. It just didn't happen yet.
Friends, I can't deny that I got hurt pretty bad. Sometimes the wound feel just open, there, a deep pain that has no end. I guess time will make it less and less as it goes.
Have been sick more often lately, my body is finally showing the signs of so much punches. The last two times I was sick, it was very severe and put me in bed for awhile.
For GAL, at least when I am not so sick. I went out w/my divorce group for a dancing party and it was amazing. I also joined some friends for coffee sometimes, went to another fantastic Christian concert, went to my company goodbye party for one of the managers, dancing with some other friends, a B-Day party, and so on. Really busy.
And lots happen in the XH zone. So that is my next chapter.
Love,
Pink
About XH,
It's sometimes an ongoing affair, and sometimes I feel it is done forever. Am I crazy? sometimes I think so, and some other times I just let go.
Towards the end of march we had dinner together. It was nice, I was feeling good and the subject was for him to give me some hints on my new line of work, the one I will be looking for in june. He was polite and very nice. Always treating me like a princess, saying how beautiful I am, how smart and how he is amazed to see me.
At some point in the conversation it became all him, he talked my ears off telling me stuff about his work. I listened, replied, said good stuff for him. The night end up in a good note and we went in our separate ways with him saying that he will be always there for me.
A week went by and he comes to pick up the kids, drop off the kids and I did not made myself too available. From nowhere he calls me asking if he could drop off a check. It was about 10:30pm and I said that he didn't need to bother and could give me the next day at church, then he says that he was in front of my house.
I got the check and we started chatting in front of the house. The conversation became talking about him saying how bad is his life and that he is barely making it day by day. That he has bad days and not so bad ones.
We started talking about the kids and then I blow big time. Not in a bad way, but I told I need him to step up and do what he needs to in regard of the kids. That I need to have my life and need some time to do my professional stuff. I said to him that I was on the waiting list for a long time and that I do not have too much flexibility now and need to move.
He put himself against the wall saying that I was right and that it was not fair for me, that he appreciate me calling his attention on this and that he would try his best to spend more time with the kids so I can have more of my time for myself and do what I need to do.
I felt super bad and then that night I wrote an apology letter to him. I said that I am overwhelmed and he is not and shouldn't be responsible for things that I decide and then put myself in too much "things to do", I said I had no right to blow on him and that I was very "Sorry"!. I gave a letter along with a card that said that life has been throwing darts on him but that I believe he is capable of doing it all, that I admire him.
I gave it in a close envelope next day at church when we were sitting beside each other and sharing a bible. Go figure. He actually came and sat beside me.
Later that week we talked again and then the R subject emerged again. So, I asked if he would like to get back into my life and he said "NO". He then explained that he has a lot of work to do on himself and that he is not ready to be with me or anyone else as a matter of fact. He said he made mistakes, took the wrong decisions and needs to figure his life and besides that he ruined his finances and needs to get some order on that front.
He put his arm on my shoulders, I put my arm around his waist and we walked like old times to my car. He kissed my chic and we again went in our separate ways.
During the times he picks up the kids, we have been talking about son's graduation and he always says he wants to be part of it... but so long, he does nothing. He is a ghost on all what is happening.
Then I decided to let go a little more, really make it if he is not any important for me. It was mother's day and I got to church after him. I did not sit beside him as usual, he came and gave me a hug, a kiss on my chic and wished me a happy mother's day. I smiled and said thank you.
At the end, I was moving around like he did not exist and then finally he said: Hey pink, happy mother's day! I said thank you, good to see you and walked away. I said goodbye to some ladies and left without even looking towards him.
That night he sends me a message asking me to pick up the kids from school the next day. I got upset because he always comes short notice with this and I am just like his good wife that would cover up for his mess with his schedule. Well, I wrote back and said that I would drive the kids to and from school the whole week.
What I did not expect was to get sick later that day and it was 12am and I was not getting any better. I then called him and asked if he could drop off the kids because I was not feeling well. He said he could and wished that I feel better.
Next day I sent him a message just thanking him for helping me.
He said it was OK, no problem at all, then I wrote this:
"XH, I thanked you because there are some lessons in life that I can't just take for granted. I always tough about myself as a humble person, that didn't do bad against anyone, but now I also see I was a person that was not thankful for what I had or what people did to and for me. I was wrong and paid a big price for my arrogance. I took for granted what others did to help me many times. You were my biggest victim. You helped me, comforted me, supported me and even loved me and so many times that I could just express my gratitude saying a simple thank you for helping me, I ignored and did not say it. I know it does not matter to you or even to anyone else, but it matters to me to know and understand the lesson that was given to me. I do not want to die knowing that I learned nothing from such huge pain. So, that's why I thank you an will do to anyone that help me in my life. Obrigado (thank you), is just a word, like "sorry", but it is only now that I understand it goes a long way inside myself.
I do feel a little better today. Good night."
A week went by while he was traveling to LA and then last Friday I got this email out of the blue:
"Dear Pink,
I would like you to know how much I appreciate your thankfulness and sincerity.
I admit that I do not know that to say sometimes. I am facing my own challenges, realizing many things that I did not see before, learning (slowly) and trying to understand.
I have been humbled in many ways, and believe that God wants me to see things differently. I have a long way to go before I can feel good about myself, or acknowledge real progress in my evolution and maturation.
I am happy to see your personal progress, and sad to recognize how my decisions and actions were the catalyst to a positive, fundamental change in your faith and outlook on life.
There were so many times that I should have or could have told you when I disagree with something or just thought differently. I did not, or stopped doing so to avoid the backlash, but this was unfair to you. I am referring to your disbelief in apologizing, and the importance of being (and saying you are) sorry. Everyone makes mistakes or inadvertently does something that hurts someone else. Feeling sorry and saying the words makes a difference for both people.
I know that I held my resentment for a long time and that it was unhealthy for me and for us. I have never been more sincere than when I forgave you and asked for your forgiveness earlier this year when we met at the Starbucks.
You were always good enough, even better then I deserved. Yes, I made choices and took actions that led to our separations and divorce. I gave up, lost the will, the courage, to face our problems, to seek resolution and reconciliation. I want you to know that no one is better than you or took your place. Yes, I started a relationship with someone else, but no one could ever take your place. I respect your right to see things and believe as you choose. I hope you can accept my perspective, for what it is worth.
I know that you will grow stronger and find your happiness. I believe in you. I always did and always will.
Love,
XH"
I wrote it word by word exactly the way he wrote to me. At first I tough he gave me another goodbye letter, then I cool off and read it again and tough it is not a goodbye letter. What to make out of it, I don't know, I guess I am afraid to hold hope and I just don't get it.
I saw him after the letter, I said nothing about it and he said nothing as well. During church on sunday, we sat separated and he again gave me a hug, a kiss on the chic. I could tell that he was thinking I was looking good.
But, I hold my independence, my freedom to come and go and owned my life as I am now, a single woman.
Funny thing happen. I was helping with some chairs and there was a guy always saying to me to carry just one chair so it would hurt me and my little hands. After the third time, I was already smiling to this guy because he kept saying that to me. Then XH walked towards me to get the chairs I was carrying and gave me a big smile. Oh well, I kept one chair and still walked towards the other guy and gave him the chair.
So, maybe you guys can have a better understand of what can be his reasons to write me such a letter. My text could be the reason, but again it was a text, it did not need an answer.
I guess, it is just another chapter in our lives.
Love to you all,
Pink
He wrote the letter and feels entitled.
His affair was his choice, nothing to do with you. He is rationalising still and failing to acrept his decisions were his own.
Frankly Pink, he still hasn't got his big boy pants on.
V
And he told you that which you wanted to hear.
Let go Pink.
V
Lovely V,
Thanks for the input. These days it is not a matter of letting go anymore, because everything is what it is. I am very busy with my kids, work and GAL.
My life is not bad at all and I am sure I can complain about my kids filling so much of my personal time, but that is also the product of my own creation. I am a family lady and it is very important for me that the family unit is very close and about each others business.
I see myself as an average person that had a divorce. My life with this man was not very good but was not bad. There was ugly faces and no talking many times, but there was never abuse in an ugly way at least.
Maybe the abuse is the one that is still there. This man had very poor family values passed to him. As a consequence, instead of trying to make his family a strong hold, he never gave himself to the cause. He is still far from his kids and in his mind what he does is enough. He is not involved in anything important for his kids in the present time. All he does is to take the kids to the park, eat out and movies.
Sometimes I even ask myself why my heart still feels something for this man. He is not a family man (at least not yet), he still think in a selfish way and is only worried about himself. And the worse of all this is that he is still blind to reality and in his mind he thinks he is sacrificing a lot to make sure his family is not suffering.
It is very sad to see it all from the outside, I feel sorry for him many, many times. But I do understand that his choices are his to own and deal with. My place is not beside him anymore and I keep it that way. More and more I keep my distance from him and just let go.
I am hopeful that one of these days I will wake up in the morning and not miss him anymore, not think about him and not really bother if he is alive or not. That is the freedom I am looking for.
He does not want me in his life and is making it clear to me that our time together reached the end.
I wish it never happen to me the way it did because I know I won't be the same anymore. I will never give myself the way I did. I would be lying if I say I would. The wounds of our breakup were deep and I won't let anyone else to enter my life in that same way.
So, these are the regrets I will carry forever inside my heart. If there is another life to live, then maybe I will start over, but in this one I just want to let go on all of this and take whatever else the world can offer me, but never that kind of love anymore.
I am still thinking to move to another state once S16 graduate high school and that will happen on may 2018. I know there are quite some time, but it is a goal and then there will be a lot of miles between XH and myself. I have a great desire to move closer to the ocean, it makes me feel good and I want that back into my life.
Again, thanks a lot for your help, I really appreciate it.
Pink
pink,
point one - you are not average. I've been reading your posts and thoughts for going on year and a half now. you are nowhere near average...might consder adjectives wonderful, exceptional, even amazing.
point two - you are not crazy, this has been a difficult, draining and soul wrenching experience...see point one
thanks for the update, love hearing from you!
Hi Anjo , this is my humble opinion. XH is still very lost and unsure of what he wants from life. He sounds depressed and unable to make choices for himself.
Pink , I would remind you of the old , 50% of what they do rule , XH sees you getting on with your life and put on the spot he answered , No. Accept that as the reality for now but I wouldn't close all doors because of that conversation
Vanillia is right , his behaviour re OW is all him , you may not have been the best W on the planet but you certainly didn't force him to make the choices he did
Sorry to hear about your health and hope your back to full fitness now
I'll post more to you later
Take care. Rd. xxxx
Hi Pink, so if you read my thread, you'll see I'm also divorced now. Not what I wanted of course but I feel calm about it and will keep moving forward.
Now then, I think you're setting far too much store by H's 'no' answer. Remember the rule to believe nothing they say etc. He gave you that answer 'in the moment' and he is a confused guy for sure. Accept it for what it was - his response 'right then' - and let it go.
If you choose to remain hopeful in the longer term for the R, that's entirely up to you. But I do think the advice to put your love in a box on the shelf, is good advice. If you want to get the box down at some point and have another look inside, it's up there on the shelf and you can take it down.
But for now, I think you are right on the money to keep the focus on you, your kids, work, life etc. He is a small part of some of that, but you have a life separate to him now. It may always remain so, it may not and time will tell.
I agree with others - you are in no way average - you are a talented, sparky, unique and compassionate woman...and don't tell yourself otherwise (((((hugs))))
Take care lovely, and do keep posting as we are all here for you.
Xx
Thank you Zephyr - well, you are not very wrong either. I just mention I am an average person meaning the pain one feels once living a divorce story.
I do believe that I am (not all the time) very amazing, dedicated, wonderful, caring, happy and a lot more and it is all very positive. But you know that a person can be cruel and mean to the ones very close to us. And that is something that happen to me and my XH, we were nice to everybody else and we forgot to nurture our love and R, we became worse then strangers.
I am learning...
Thanks RD - As usual you have faith in me and cheer me up all the time. You are an amazing guy RD and I am happy to get to know you.
My XH is far in body, mind and heart. If he is lost or not, I do not know. It looks like he is destroyed. I sense he is still depressed and is not looking for any help. But this is all the consequences of my actions, his actions and then our actions.
We have a very awkward situation were we are divorced but still married, we are cold and far and yet we sit together and share a bible. As usual in my life, nothing is just straight forward, it is complicated to say the least.
Thanks Sotto - so, so sorry you got the decree. I see you are doing good and will thrive even further, but I am still sorry that another R end up in D because one person is not willing to fight for it.
I agree with you about XH, better let it be. My hopes are fading, becoming ashes and one of these days the wind will blow it away. I still have some love left in my heart so I will stick to it until the last breath.
I do not get his attitude tough. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding exactly what he means about things. V said he wrote what I want to hear, but sometimes I am not sure it is just that. But, we will see.
*** By the way, if anyone sees Job around, ask her to stop by my thread please!!! I can't find Never Give Up thread and I would like to read it since Job said it may help me in some ways.
And if anyone knows about anybody that actually got back together after divorce, please let me know. It may be nice to read about it.
Thanks lovely friends,
Pink
I came here just to empty my heart of so much pain. How much can one take until it is too much is a question that have been haunting me for quite some time.
It is S18 graduation time. He did it very well, finished strong. Then yesterday he tells me that XH asked him if he would like something from Pittsburg. Then explained that he is going there next week to meet the baby girl that has been adopted by his brother from France.
S18 said that maybe he could get a Steelers hat and XH said that it is too expensive and he may get a key chain instead.
S18 tells me all this and say that he does not want any party and that this whole graduation means nothing, and goes on and on saying all the negative things he can think about.
I know he needs to be more mature about it, but I just don't get why XH does this things. He is so clueless about other people's feelings.
I texted him asking if he wouldn't be here for his son's senior night and graduation and he answered me after 2hours that he is going out of state from Monday to wed. So yes, he will be here.
Why do I bother? Why in my mind I still think that there is any good that can come from him? Why I think that he will ever think anything besides himself? Why I still think that he wants to be part of this family?
I just question myself why did life showed me such person? Today I feel I wish I never met this man in my life. I am not even mad. I am just so disappointed that it hurts.
How can someone just let go and wash their hands of any responsibility? Why does my kids have a father as I had one, that tells other people about his pride to have such good kid and does not care at all about the kid?
I know you won't have the answers to me, I am just decompressing my heart because he is pushing it too far and I am so disgusted with the whole thing.
I tried to put myself in a compassion zone many times, I tried to see that he is confused and hurting, but I am just very tired of his BS.
I just feel more and more in my heart that it is time to let him go. I need to have this man totally out of my life. I can't move to another state right now. S16 wants to finish his high school here and I promised him I will respect that, but sometimes I just feel I want to go far, far away from him.
I can't cry, I tried yesterday and I just can't. I am angry, I am hurt and I am at my last straw. He did too much already.
I remember Wonka's words saying that normally it is the LBS that decides. I guess we get so tired of the disregard, that we let go and we don't want to have anything to do with it anymore in our lives. As we look inward, we start seeing that we were not so bad to start with.
I was hanging in there before, dealing with it all and everything that would come my way. I am still hanging in there and dealing with everything. So, why do I need him? I really do not need him for anything. I always did it all and I am still doing it all.
I guess it is time for me to face the truth and realize that it was not good and that is why we are in this situation. I won't ever be good, he does not care his children and much less about me, time to face it and accept what it is.
One more day with disappointment, one more day to realize I wasted my time thinking it could ever work.
Pink
Hi Anjo. The feelings you are having today are reactive XH has not lived up to expectations again and that's caused you to be disappointed I completely understand and often feel ike that but you have to realise that XH is lost. I'm not trying to gives him excuses but try looking at it this way , XH had a family , a good job , a nice house , good wife and now he has nothing. He's depressed , his kids aren't really in his life and he's living in someone else's house and has no money.
Did he really choose his new life ? Who would choose that life ? Certainly no right think person would
Again , no excuses for him but maybe reasons , he wanted something different and he had an A , he went down a cheeseless tunnel and is now stuck there
Maybe he will stay in the tunnel forever and maybe he will emerge , either way Pink needs to move on with her own life and don't expect XH to act like a normal , clear thinking person because he's not right now
You truly don't deserve this pain and hardship BUT your Pink and you can deal with it. Life will be good for you again and with or without XH Pink will be great
Keep posting because we all care and want to support you as best we can
Huge hug. Rd. xx
Hi RD,
You are right about his life and most of the time I can see the struggle painted in his face. Reading your words makes me realize that perhaps it is also shame that makes him do what he does best, run away.
For sure it is not easy to be happy and face all what is going on in his kids lives when you messed up so bad.
I was also thinking that his stepmother is arriving in Colorado on sunday and that he may be running away so he does not need to face her. He has been avoiding to talk to her for a long time. He was super close to her and it could be that he does not have the guts to face it now.
But all this does not diminished the pain, frustration and deception on my kids heart and face. It is a very hard thing to see that they know their father walking out on them.
I guess the whole time is just sad for me, for us. But, as you said, we will survive this time too and will move forward with out dreams, goals, pursuits. Life won't be like this forever.
I am very sentimental these last days and I think it is a combination of having my family far away in Brasil, have no family here, being divorced so no husband, and not even a father for my kids. Responsibility on my shoulders, lots and lots to do and lots of history being written without the joy we should have.
Well, I will try my best to get myself out of this dark thinking and unhappiness. Maybe tomorrow I can post something very nice.
Thanks for the support RD, I really needed.
Pink
Hey lovely, people always post that the letting down of your kids is the worst and I can understand your upset.
I would echo what RD has said and add that MLCers are so self-absorbed that they just don't have much to give. They don't have the tools just now to build and maintain healthy relationships. That's why they have dalliances with scuzzy OWs. I'm not excusing him - but I do believe this is the case and hope the reminder may help.
Also, when I'm rattled I do try to look inward at what this has triggered in me and what I can do about it (regardless of what he may be doing.)
Mostly, remember that 'rattled' isn't a great time to make big decisions. Maybe let the episode pass and then see how you feel.
Take care Sweetie xx
JOB, I would like to know how I can find Never Give Up thread.
Hi all... just an update to keep you informed of the insanity.
On sunday I picked up XH's stepmother and her husband at the airport. They are here to visit us and for S18 graduation. XH decided to schedule a last minute business trip and told me he wouldn't be in town during the time they are here.
So, it is up to me to babysit them. I do not complain much about it because this people love and care for my kids and I really appreciate that. But by other hand, it is awkward and really tiring for me since I have work, graduation, college stuff and them altogether this week.
I guess it is another MLC signature. XH is avoiding some family members right now. His real mother called me last week to find out how he is doing because she hasn't hear from him for awhile and she is worried.
About help with anything, well forget it. He is not involved in all college admission process, not involved in anything related to S18's graduation and the party. He is just oblivious to what is going on in his kids lives right now. Not even involved in S16's football that is full speed and lots of commitments right now.
Maybe this is MLC or maybe he just gave up on it all. I don't really know. I just know that the heavy load is really heavy and is wearing me out.
He was at the house picking up the kids, brought some hamburgers and buns and told me he bought that for me and the kids. He was looking sad, depressed and really, really skinny. He actually looks pretty ugly right now. He lost too much weight, put 20years on his face in the last 2 years. It is just very sad to see what is going on with him.
But he is still on his own journey and does not give me any sign he would like to come back home. I guess he is still feeling very sorry for himself.
He does not pay his part for the kids expenses until I ask him. I gave him a check he was supposed to deposit in his account and transfer the money to my account and never heard about it again. His stuff is still in my garage.
I am not really criticizing him. I am just stating that he is not himself at all. Sometimes I think he is getting even worse because he is not with OW and is even more depressed now.
I really do not know what to do and I think that it is better to keep my distance and do absolutely nothing.
I don't feel anxious around him anymore. I basically tried many times to see him as a neighbor and the last few times I saw him lately, I felt just like that, a neighbor.
I still care for him, but I now can just ignore that he is in the same space I am. I even noticed that it kind of bother him that I treat him with distance. Well, I guess he will eventually realize that it is what he asked for.
I still feel a lot of pain. Sometimes I miss him terribly, some other times I actually feel good being by myself. I really don't know what I feel deep in my heart for him. I just know that I am so busy I don't have much brain space and time to dedicate it to him.
Is this detachment? I think it is. I think I am finally getting there. I can walk into a room and know he is there and it does not change a thing anymore.
That I did let go? No, I did not. But I also don't know if I want to be with him any longer. I am going through another stage of this long, very long process.
Well, that's is about it this time, see you later. God bless you all.
Pink
Pink,
Never Give Up's threads may have been purged a long time ago. She's not posted in many, many years. I'll take a look around the archives and see if I can locate any of her old threads.
As for your xh, don't expect him to be responsible and remember to give you money. Don't expect him to be involved in anything at this time. In fact, it may very well overwhelm to the point of just avoiding everything and leaving it all to you.
He will get worse before he gets better. The dark, deep depression is probably not too far away and he has to go thru it to get to the other side. You can't do anything for him, but pray. Also, he may still be going thru withdrawal of the ow.
You are slowly detaching and it does take a lot of time. Don't get discouraged. Keep moving forward.
I know you have family in for your son's graduation. Enjoy their visit and keep the focus on your kids, especially right now, your son that is graduating. This is an important milestone in his life and nothing, not even MLC, should over shadow this time for him.
Pink, you've got a lot going on and I do hope that you are carving out some time for yourself. Let go, Let God. Give it up to him and allow him to work things out for you and your family.
Take care and I'll get back to you if I can locate any of Never Give Up's threads.
Pink, I have not located Never Give Up's threads. As I mentioned before, her threads may have been purged 2-5 years ago. She was here a long time ago, i.e., back in early 2000's. I'm so sorry that they aren't here for you to read.
Hi Pink, you are doing well Sweetheart and as Job said - you have a lot on so do look after yourself.
I think expecting very little from H is the best way to go. He doesn't sound to be in a great place himself and probably has very little to offer. If he does come up with something helpful, that' a bonus I think.
Glad you are starting to feel more detached and unsure if you want to be with him again. I think the latter part is understandable and all part of the process.
Hope your S's graduation goes well - you must be very proud of him xx
It's ties as along as it takes.
Really it dies he sounds to be struggling mine twisting a bit but it's not my problem. Tbh... Not at all my drama and now days it's fine I'm glad in someways.
Hi all, just an update and it's weird as always.
Job, thanks for taking the time to look for NGU's threads, I was and I am curious how things develop with MLC once you are divorced. My situation w/XH is a little confusing since we are divorced here but married in my country of origin. Somehow it keeps playing between us that comes up in our conversations about family. Really awkward.
Sotto, I tried my best many times and failed big way. But, lately I have been able to keep my cool. I do not feel anxious anymore and literally do not give much attention to XH as well. I am polite and almost caring, but I am disconnected, on my own kind of way.
GG he is struggling, and as much I want to pretend that he is living La Vida Louca, it's not true. He seems what he says, that he is living a day at a time.
So graduation week came and XH was traveling out of state from Monday to Wednesday. He called S18 on Wednesday late afternoon, just before we left for Senior Night and said that he could not be there because he was flying home and would get to Denver too late to attend the ceremony. S18 got very upset, told me that this graduation stuff was all a bunch of bull and that he did not care for it at all.
I was patient, listen to all what he had to say and said that I was there and that I care for all his accomplishments. S18 did well, graduate w/a 4.1 GPA and got the maximum award of excellency in academics. And his dad wasn't there...
Well, graduation day and when I was just leaving for the big ceremony on Saturday morning, I got a message from XH asking if I could bring him a chair and if he could help with the party later on. I just answered that yes, I could do it and that help was welcome.
He attended the ceremony, he hugged me and congratulate me for my kid and I did the same. I sat a little far from him and decide to make believe that he was invisible. Later we took some pictures and then I told S18 I would wait for him after he picked up his papers and left to talk to some girlfriends.
Later I was coming back from the store and XH was already at my house. He got there around 1:30pm. He helped a lot and it was like the old times. Since I was busy, I did not care much about anything.
Then I asked him to get some more ice from the supermarket and when he come back he had a gorgeous spring bouquet. He walked to me and said that he would like to give me that because I am the best. The best mom, best person he ever known.
He said that he is amazed of how hard I worked to put the party together and how much he was proud of me. I did not get emotional at all. I was happy with the flowers, I smiled happy and I said thank you so much for such gorgeous flowers and that I was doing it all for my son. That he is a good kid and deserve it. He said: "Of course, but our kids are very luck for having such great mom".
I put the flowers in my favorite blue vase and told him I loved them and they were amazing.
We worked a little more and then our guest were arriving. During the party he talked to my friends and I also met some of his new friends. Everything was fine, he was time to time looking for me, talking to me, chasing me around. Funny that sometimes we could just look at each other and no words were necessary for us to know what we meant. Still some things are there.
It was late night and he was still there helping to put some things away. I had some friends that were there to help to clean up a bit. At some point we decided to go to a soccer game between Brazil and Panama the next day and it was all too crazy. Big commotion about the game. XH was an outsider and I am sure he felt exactly that way.
This time I did nothing to change that. I just let go and was happy with my kids and friends. This is what he want, this is what he gets.
He walked in circles for awhile and then decided to leave. He said goodbye to everyone and I was sitting laughing my lungs out with so much crazy talk with the kids and friends and did not move. He came and asked me if he could talk to me. I walked outside with him and then he thanked me another million times and hugged me very tight. He kissed my chic a million times too.
I gave him a good hug and said that I appreciated his help and it was our life saver that he was here to help. He said he did nothing much, that he needed to help more. I said that he did what he could and that was good.
Then I said: Well, you drive safe and have a good night. I did not make any move to talk more with him, did not show any sign of love and care. It was just that, a neighbor that was leaving.
I always had a hard time to understand how can one be detached and still love that person and now I totally get it. It is a hard thing to explain, it is more like the way you feel about someone. You love the person, but you know you can go on without that person.
And I think now he can feel that too. I know it bothers him, he is confused with what he sees and feel.
One time during the party he asked me to add some more food to one of my main dish and as I was doing it he said: "Pink, I still love you so much, you have no idea". Then I said: "No I have no idea and I do not want to think about it either. Stop with the BS because you left me and I do not want to talk about." He asked me do not do this to him, that it was not fair with him, and I looked at him and said that it is what it is XH, you wanted it, now you have it.
Then I walked away like nothing happen.
Well, I do not know what is what, whom is whom, where, why. I just don't really think much anymore. I know I love him, but now I also know he left me. I just do what Job said. Let go, let God. I just put it all in my Lord's hands and let him deal with it all.
What is going to happen, I don't know. I just know that I have dreams, plans, goals to reach and I will walk that path for myself. I matter, I am a nice person and I have a lot of respect for whom I am.
So, I would say that DB works for me. I am a better me, I am beautiful and I like it.
At the Brasil soccer game I dressed up as a canary. Yellow shirt, flag bandana and my huge flag on my back. I screamed and danced the whole time. It was amazing and I had a lot of fun with my kids.
Again, and again I have to say thank you for all the support, I am a better person because all of you and your great advices.
We will see where life will take me next, for now I am still breathing and loving it.
Hugs and kisses,
Pink
Great update Pink , you seem to be thinking really clearly and can see the confusion in XH
Many congrats yo your son on his graduation , it must make you very proud
I'll post more later but it's late here and I just saw your message and wanted to post
Take care. Rd
Hi Pink. Your XH is coming forward and as Cadet often says , you ( the LBS ) will have the final choice in all of this.
XH is clearly lost and while you may never forget what he's done you need to forgive Living in the past is not healthy and will restrict your future
Life can throw up things that we don't expect and it's how we deal with them that matters. For me , XH knows what he's done and he's doesn't know how to move past it or if he can move past it. Your actions at the graduation party we perfect. You didn't get involved In his drama and you had a great evening.
This will work out for you , I hope you stay the course and let XH sort himself out and give him the time to find his way. Pink getting on with her life and dealing with everything is also needed because you need to see what your life has in it
We get mixed up in thought sometimes and we don't see what's in front of us. You have 3 wonderful kids , a job you love and a heart big enough to deal with it all. XH and the sitch is tough but the positives out weigh the negatives by so much more
Relax back , live your life and the choice will be yours
Take care. Rd
Hi RD, thanks for your kind words and you know that I appreciate all your help and support.
Yesterday was one of those difficult times in life that you just think how separations and divorces impact families in so many ways.
S18 did hurt his right foot with some spring in the garage and when he was cleaning up the wound in the kitchen, he fainted and had some kind of seizure. It was scary and I decided to take him to the ER. Before leaving the house I called XH to let him know what was going on.
At the hospital he was helpful and tearful. S18 was seen by a nurse to check if he could wait a little or not and then we all sat to wait the doctor. XH walked to me and gave me a hug. We talked and I always left the subject just about S18.
What is awkward for me is that XH is full of attentions and always put his hands on me. Like on my arm, my shoulders. If I say he is doing this with intention of being close to me, I can also understand that he is just trying to be kind and supportive to the situation at the moment.
If I say that he is supportive, then it could be that I am missing it because he is doing this even when there is no emergency or problem around.
The problem for me is that I do not know what to do. If I ask him to stay away from me, then I will lie, be immature and ignorant. If I don't, then it is letting him to be close to me, what in some ways is not good for me.
Yesterday was easy to just walk away and ignore what he does, but sometimes it is very obvious what is going on. So, I am not sure if I walk away or do the same for him, since it is one of his complaining, that I was not caring enough.
Well, I just want to mention this because the truth is that I have a lot on my "To Do List" and he is the least on that.
Love,
Pink
By the way, S18 had lots of tests and it all came negative. He got better as he was under observation at the ER and was sent home after a few hours.
Today he needs to take it easy and rest. I worked in the morning and will be at home with him for the rest of the day.
But so far, so good.
Love,
Pink
Hi Lovely, I'm sorry to hear about your trip to the hospital with S18. I hope he is much improved today and good that both you and XH were able to be there for him.
I'm tired tonight and don't have much to offer in the way of advice - but just sending big hugs to you. ((((( ))))) xx
Pink,
Sending congratulations to your son on his graduation. I'm also sorry to read that you had to make a trip to the ER w/your S18. I do hope he's feeling better soon. It was nice that your XH came and was supportive to both you and your son.
I sense that you are struggling as to what to do or not do w/the situation w/your XH. Maybe you are thinking too hard about the situation at this time and you need to just step back a little and allow nature to take its course. Instead of over thinking the situation, if you are comfortable w/the XH being around once in a while, then enjoy his company, i.e., just like a neighbor coming to visit, and when it's time to go home or have appointments, excuse yourself and go on about your business. Think about how it was for you and your XH in the beginning. You met, talked and became friends and then did some things together and slowly, but surely, began to spend more and more time together. For now, leave the expectations at zero and try to enjoy his company. If he gets a little bit too forward, call him on it and just be honest and tell him that you are uncomfortable w/getting "too" friendly at this time.
If you want to cut all ties and treat him truly as the "XH", then you'll need to nip all of those advances/nice things he does or says in the bud by stating firmly what your boundaries are when it comes to spending time w/you.
Pink, you are the only one that can decide do you want to start out as friends and leave your situation at that stage for a while or do you want to end it and just be civil? You've got plenty of time to decide how you want your relationship w/your XH to be...don't rush the process just because you are frustrated and/or discouraged. Whatever you decide to do, I will be here to support you.
Pink: "One time during the party he asked me to add some more food to one of my main dish and as I was doing it he said: "Pink, I still love you so much, you have no idea". Then I said: "No I have no idea and I do not want to think about it either. Stop with the BS because you left me and I do not want to talk about." He asked me do not do this to him, that it was not fair with him, and I looked at him and said that it is what it is XH, you wanted it, now you have it."
NYGal: Pink, we need to talk. Did you see the email from MWD today about being kind? Are you really that angry at XH still, or do you still want him back? I'm sorry, but you catch more flies with honey, honey!
From MWD:
Hi,
Sometimes, when your marriage is on the rocks, you start to wonder how relationship goals that require two people's active participation apply to you.
That's why I decided to write 10 Marriage Saving Strategies You Can Do Alone! for those people who don't have the luxury of their partner's support.
Here are ten goals that you can accomplish yourself!
1. Envision positive outcomes
There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change in your marriage if you don't believe it is possible.
Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner.
The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.
2. Act as if you expect positive outcomes
Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!
3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it
You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse's choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused.
Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.
4. Focus on small, positive changes
Don't expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track.
Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going.
Then focus on that.
5. Promise yourself that you will have a great future, no matter what
You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children, if you have them.
Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to create a great future, regardless of your spouse's choices.
6. Exercise your worry away
I live in Boulder and the people here take this to heart!
Take a walk, get some exercise to become more fit.
Exercise can be a lifesaver. It helps to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins.
Go for it!
7. Do one new thing you enjoy
Don't become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.
8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones. Be present.
Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying in the moment becomes a challenging task.
You will never be able to do your children's childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you're with them.
9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame
What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it's how rapidly you get back on track.
If you've veered from the Divorce Busting® plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.
10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity
Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars.
On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself.
You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.
All my best,
Michele
I'm certainly no expert in MLC, and you may know best. Just my two cents worth.
p.s. the last sentence above was me, not Michelle. She is an expert in MLC!
NYGal, I was just lurking and had to say, that was a great thing to share. Very hopeful and helpful to those on every board. Thank you.
And Pink, you have been doing so well and fighting so hard for your marriage. Your H at least is able to tell you he loves you, even if he is still lost and confused in his MLC mind. That has got to be emotionally draining. But NYGal's post is spot on. We all need that reminder at times.
Pink I'm just catching up with your posts. Congratulations on your son's graduation and academic achievements! I'm sorry to hear he had to go to the hospital, and I really hope he is doing better now!
What is awkward for me is that XH is full of attentions and always put his hands on me. Like on my arm, my shoulders. If I say he is doing this with intention of being close to me, I can also understand that he is just trying to be kind and supportive to the situation at the moment.
If I say that he is supportive, then it could be that I am missing it because he is doing this even when there is no emergency or problem around.
The problem for me is that I do not know what to do. If I ask him to stay away from me, then I will lie, be immature and ignorant. If I don't, then it is letting him to be close to me, what in some ways is not good for me.
Yesterday was easy to just walk away and ignore what he does, but sometimes it is very obvious what is going on. So, I am not sure if I walk away or do the same for him, since it is one of his complaining, that I was not caring enough.
The situation you describe regarding being uncomfortable with XH being full of attentions touched a cord with me. I am at a far earlier stage (DB 5 months ago, H committed to our relationship and we are supposed to be trying to work thing out) but I feel the same way. when he touches me it is nice in a way, but then it is also terrible because I don't know why he is doing it. I understand why you are struggling with it, and even though I have no words of wisdom for you I wanted to let you know that maybe it is normal to feel that way. I'm in no way handling it well, so maybe your more patient approach is better.
Pink it sounds like you are doing really well, and that you are in fact benefiting from loving and discovering yourself. Thank you for your beautiful posts.
Sorry I was meant to type BD not DB, still struggling with all the abbreviations!
NYGAL what a great thing to share! I'll quote it in my thread as I think it is really helpful Thank you!
Have to agree , great post from MVD and thanks to NYGAL for sharing it
How's things this weekend Anjo ?
Hello all, just an update on how things are going.
S18 is doing fine. I think the doctor diagnose well and it seems that because his bleeding disorder, his blood pressure and his heart beat went down too fast and too low and he faint. The body moving like seizure was explained that he had syncope what is quite the same but for different reasons. So, no more scare and things seems to be good now.
S21 is getting better every day and the PTSD treatment is working good. His confidence is yet to be improved, but I guess it is one thing at a time and I am glad it has been positive. Four years of wrong diagnose and a year to detox from wrong medications took a tool on him.
S16 is absorbed in football and is excited to work out and get his body ready for the coming season. He is looking very handsome.
Besides all working in a positive way, I can see the struggle of having a father that is good, loving and is distant, disconnect all in the same time. Confusing... it is the least of the feelings, what they are living and feeling are wounds that will stay forever there. Shame on all this.
About me, this is another story. I have it all at once and yet need to be standing. It has been hard to be the captain, but I have been taking one day at a time. Measuring my patience, saying more loving words, hugging my kids very often. Caring for them in a loving way. Being understanding without criticism.
The road was long but I learned so much through pain. I let things go more easily then ever in my life. If the dishes are not done because I need to sit down and see some zombie movie with boys, so be it. No one will die because dirty dishes at the sink.
My perfectionism became peace, love, compassion. My criticism became encouragement, friendship and caring. I am a different person and it is now becoming my core.
I never tough it could be possible for someone so black and white, the lawyer spirit would become so flexible and care free.
But I have been doing a lot of soul searching on myself. My faith is a big part of my transformation, because as a believer, I decide to look inside myself and clean all the hypocrisy I have been caring for many years.
I never been a bad person, but I was fake. In many ways I believed to be doing the write things and yet I see now that I was just postponing to face my own flaws.
I decided to love with the meaning of love. Decided to let go on foolish titles, stupid values imposed from people that are not even among us anymore. I decided to have my own values, and live life the way I can and know better.
All my decisions and changes are not related to someone in my life. Maybe if and when it comes to that I will need to review those kind of feelings, but for now I am glad I can have my soul naked and still feel beauty on it.
There are so much I understand now, that I could not understand before. So, it still stands that the worst that happen to me is yet the best that happen to me. Odd, but true.
Regarding XH, he is still oblivious or at least try to pretend it. Some of our common friends have been saying to me that I need to be patient because he is still very lost and his financial situation do not seem to help much. A friend of mine that talked to him quite a bit during the grad party said that have ways to go until he start seeing himself as a person again.
She said that she picture him loving me to death in one minute and hating me with all his heart the next.
The way I see it, he keeps himself away from me and is coming around less and less. He treats me a just the mother of his kids and as he says a friend and ex wife.
I do not have much hope no more. He is moving to a farther away place, he is going to live with a guy from his work and this guy is also divorced and has his kids over every other weekend.
I think this will drive XH into another direction and will give him a little more room to explore his options with some more freedom. It hurts to think this way, but it is the truth and I need to accept it as it is.
He moved on, and I didn't. I wish I can manage to move myself on too. I don't know when I will be ready. I am just sure I am not ready to see XH with a girlfriend, but I need to think that it is a true possibility. And it still kills me inside on just thinking about.
Well, I have a lot to do in the next two months and need to get busy. Somehow I get busy and I can then deal with this horrible pain inside my heart.
Funny how I became a shopping mall with many different stores on it.
Thank you Sotto, Job, NGal, citizen, Esame and RD500. I have no idea were I would be without your support and loving words. It is what keeps me going.
Love,
Pink
What a beautiful post Pink, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
My perfectionism became peace, love, compassion. My criticism became encouragement, friendship and caring. I am a different person and it is now becoming my core.
That's what people keep saying to me too, that working through personal issues now will mean that no matter what happens in the R, I will be a better person at the end, it sounds that is true for you.
I never been a bad person, but I was fake. In many ways I believed to be doing the write things and yet I see now that I was just postponing to face my own flaws.
Aren't we all a little fake in our relationships? How honest are we really with our partners? Often we don't share feelings and worries so that we don't hurt the other person, but doesn't that make us fake?
As you said you thought you were doing the right things, your intentions were good. Don't be too hard on yourself, you will face your fears in your own time.
He moved on, and I didn't. I wish I can manage to move myself on too.
But of course you will, it will just be in your own time. You cannot move on because it is the "right time" or because your H did, you will move on when you are ready to do so.
We are here for you, keep posting and keep working on yourself and your sons.
Just to echo Esames post. That was a great post Pink and great to see you so positive
Take care. Rd
Pink,
I have to echo the other posters...your posting was well thought out and I, too, am glad to see you are so positive!
Keep up the good work! It all takes time to find your footing and when you do...you will soar w/the eagles!
Hi Pink, that's interesting that friends can see your XH is rather lost. I had that too from a friend recently. She was a good friend to us both when we S and tried to tread that difficult path of staying in touch with us both. But when I saw her the other day, she said XH hasn't contacted her for months. I can tell she thinks it's pretty strange that he would just nuke the friendship..stuff like this is telling I think.
I agree with others, it sounds as though you are doing well in all circumstances. It may be no bad thing to have a little distance with your XH - and perhaps try to see this as healing time for you. I guess he will decide what he will WRT his living arrangements. They sound rather like the kind of house share arrangements you get with recent graduates. I hope it will be a better environment for him having the kids over perhaps?
None of it is easy, but you are moving forward and learning and I think that is as much as we can all ask of ourselves.
Love and hugs to you Sweetie xx
Just an update in my situation,
So, done with S18's graduation and college stuff is well under way. All paperwork in place and he has a 2 days orientation to pick up his classes, then we will finalize the financial side of it and it doesn't seem too bad after all.
I have no idea if XH will help him financially since he is always crying about money, but I will help him as much as I can.
S22 is a lot better but still lacking confidence. I have been bothering him to get a job and start paying for his own life even if he decides to live in a house.
I have been very understanding that he went through hell with the misdiagnose and meds but he needs to move on and see that he can do better for himself and leave some things behind. I know it is not easy, but he needs at least to start facing the challenge.
S16 is a mix of feeling good and hopeful one day and feeling super bad and hopeless next. I guess I need to be patient with him since his hormones are all over the place for being 16, and plus all what he went through. He is still the baby and I am his punching bag for his negativity but his good pillow for hugs and comfort. I can't complain, he is a lovely boy.
About me, haven't been doing a lot for my career, at least not in the speed I would like to be, but moving slow and steady. On the faith side, have been awaken to my believes and my R with God, I am so happy for what I find inside myself now, I can't really explain how. It was there all the time, I felt like someone was beside me, around me all the time. The biggest difference is that now I am also with my lovely companion, now I am with my God, and that is a smile inside my soul.
I feel purpose, I feel happy even when the world in crumbling. I feel peace, many of my tears are with joy for having him inside of my heart.
AND NOW, WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW;
Regarding XH... Friday 6/9 he came to my house at 6:30pm to pick up the kids to spend the weekend with him in his new place that he is renting and has two bedrooms and a bathroom. The house belong to a guy that works in his company and is also divorced. This guy is a LBS, his wife went crazy and left him with two kids, 11 and 6 years old.
I just hope that the guy is not in this board and he shows XH how great it is around here and that this nice people give him lots of advices about his WW. Aghrrr... scary stuff.
I said hi to XH, mention some snow in Brasil and then went to my room. He stayed at my house until 8:30pm. I don't know why, but did not question either. I just did let go.
Well, anyway. The kids hated it, slept on the floor and did not like. I told them that it was the first time and they will eventually get use to it.
But, they brought back a bunch of dirty clothes and on sunday after church I spoke w/XH and said that I would like him to understand since the beginning that once the kids are with him for the weekend, that he is also responsible for the clothes. And I don't care if the kids do that or him, but I will send clean clothes out and expect clean clothes back.
He was upset and quite offended saying that he understands what I was saying but he didn't like the way I was saying it, like I was trying to teach him how to be a dad.
I said that not at all, I just want to make sure we are in the same page and I don't need to deal with this detail on sunday afternoon. I said that I have a lot to do and it was not my responsibility.
And guess what... I should have walked away, but I bought into his marry go round Pity Party. He then said all what is the same old. I left him, I divorced him before he asked me for the divorce, I did not love him for a long time, he was not right for me, he is just a dog in the street, he is nobody... and so on and on.
I told him he was right about many things I did not do during our marriage, but I do not forget the reason why I did what I did sometimes. I shouldn't, but I said to him that life was unfair with both of us and we had too much to deal with, and I was very occupied, worried and tired with S22 sickness.
Well, we hugged, hugged and hugged a little more time to time as we were talking about the same things we always talk related to our R and breakup. I did not cry that day. He did.
He also said a million times how much he still loves me and that I still do not believe him. CRAZY? Maybe not, but very hard to deal with since it is also the guy that does not want to get back with me.
So, I noticed that if I would let go on the rejection feeling I have, then maybe I would start believing that he really loves me.
But it is so hard to hear someone that left you to say that they still love you a lot. That you are still their only family and friend.
It is all so crazy sometimes that I can't start describing how insane it is to hear all this. And, he does not move. He said that I was talking it all black and white and I said that I was just being fast and practical and not taking much of his time.
He then says that he is never on a hurry when talking to me. That always have time to spare if we need to talk. And then he thank me for asking to talk with him.
Really??? This MLC stuff will leave me crazy too.
We left in good terms after 1 and a 1/2 hour talking. We hugged and he squeezed me strong, then he said "OOPS" and I said I feel that way too, like taking off the clothes was just the next step. He smiled and said "it was always like this with us, no Pink?, it's actually good to leave feeling this way".
Ha,Ha,Ha... funny boy!!! Well I left and lets see if he will clean the clothes next time.
XH was traveling all week and was supposed to be back today. It is my birthday today.
Then at 12:30pm I get a call from him and he wants to wish me a Happy Birthday. I was in shock. XH does not wish me happy BDay for the last three years.
He said that he want me to know that I am loved, that he loves me very, very much and that he thanks God that I am alive and part of his life.
I said that I was happy he called and I appreciate him saying all this.
He asked me if I was going out with my friends and I said yes. Then he wished me a happy party, that I enjoy the Grateful Dead band and the time with my friends. I said that it is yet something to understand, that my BDay I will see this band. That maybe life is showing me what I avoided for so long..
(just that you will understand, XH loves this Grateful Dead stuff and I don't. For many years he would go to this band's concerts and I did not go with him, now he is not going and I am celebrating a birthday in a private party with them)
Well, he was not in a hurry on the phone, we talked and he wished me more like 3 or 4 times happy BDay. I politely said to him that I appreciate his gesture, and that I needed to go back to work.
It was a good feeling to be nice to him, to say nice things and yet end the call.
I know, you are laughing now, saying that after 2years Pink is still applying some DB techniques. I can't believe myself either. But I am, every time is a time to improve my techniques and maybe, just maybe, my chances in getting my family back together one day.
WHY? Because I am still in love with him, I have been trying in many ways to let it go and try to forget him, but I can't. So, I keep trying until the day my heart will wake up and say that there is nothing there anymore.
Then I will be free. Until then, I try.
Hope everyone is having a nice weekend. Here is hot like hell today and will be hotter on the weekend. Nice lovely summer days!
Love,
Pink
Happy Birthday, Pink, my fellow Gemini!
Many Happy Returns lovely Pink!! Glad you received birthday wishes from your XH too. Hope you have a great day xxx
Thank you Job, Bright, RD and Sotto for the Happy BDay wishes, I really appreciated. Funny, but this year I celebrate my birthday with people that I don't know all that well.
Had a party with my Divorce Group friends and loved it. It was fun and sometimes I did not think about anything at all. I just enjoyed the moment.
XOXO
Pink
Hi Pink , any updates or general news ?
Yes, it's been a little while Pinkytink.....me and RD are keen for an update Sweetie xx
I really need to apologize for not writing a single word for such a long time, but I guess I needed this time.
June went by with the idea of making a big road trip with my three boys. We started planning and then we decided to go for it.
We left CO on july 7th and went to many different estates on the east coast. It was amazing, unbelievable. The trip was a big success and everything went right.
We saw many things, we bond together as a team. It was epic.
We ended our trip in Chicago and then flew back to CO on 7/24.
My kids are doing great. S22 is looking for a job, getting better every day, became Vegan and is a lot healthier without medications that were not meant for him. Shame on these doctors.
S19 is in his way to college on this coming Thursday and S16 is starting his junior year in HS and is playing American football.
I am busy, busy, busy. Work full time, did not look for another job yet. I tough I need that trip to clear my mind and turn some pages. Interacting more in church and learning a lot more about my faith.
I turned my life around. Even tough I had so many wounds, slowly I started understanding that I needed to change. And I did, and I got more on my own self, I smile more, and I feel good more often.
Always have interactions with XH, sometimes we talk briefly, sometimes I try to keep my distance, and sometimes we talk more.
You will say... all the same.
But this weekend something was different. On Saturday, I was at a party with the church people and then for my surprise, XH showed up with our three boys. It was nice. They left before me.
I left that party and went to my Divorce group party. I got home by 9pm and XH was still there talking to the kids, then he started talking to me about something stupid like he does not want to pay for our kid's hair cut.
Oh well, I got kind of mad, then of course, we started talking about us as usual. I said many things and he did too. Basically apologizing for my wrong doings during the M and he was doing the same on his end.
We talked until 1:30am sunday. At some point I told him that he was the only man I ever loved, and that I know I need to go away because I still love him and it is that simple, I love him and won't hide it. But, I respect his decision and will move on with my life and be happy. I said that I will have someone else in my life but I know I won't ever love the same way I love him.
He said that he feels the same way about me.
When he was leaving, I said that I will be happy again, that life will be good for both of us. He was getting into his car and said: "Don't close the door just yet if you can". Then left.
Well, it bugged me, but I am use to hear things and nothing happen, so I just did let go.
Next morning he was at church. I was happy, just my day was good. I said hi to him and sat on my own as I always do.
I left church by a different door that day, and he was in the front door. When he saw me he called and wanted to let me know that he was picking up the boys to have lunch together.
I looked at him and said that it was OK and that I knew it because he put the date on his schedule. Said see you later, byyyy!!! And left.
He picked up the kids and when he was back he asked to talk to me. He was talking about logistics about S19 moving and S16 school. Then he started talking about my finances. At some point I got mad with him and was really upset for him being so nosy in my stuff, my life.
Since we were kind of arguing, we went to the garage so the boys didn't need to be listening to this. It was not a fight with loud voices or anything like that. It was talking with disagreements.
Then we got calmer and we again started talking about us. At some point I broke, and also broke into tears and said that I got it. I made mistakes, I didn't do many things, I was stupid and want to be right all the time, I did not show my love for him, I was not a friend, not a wife.
He cried too and said that he could have been a better husband too, that him too made a lot of mistakes, that he regret all what he could said and never did.
Then he says that he wants to be my friend. I said that I was not sure later on in life, but that I can't be his friend since I still love him. That I need the distance.
He asked me if this was the reason I want to move out of Colorado and I said that it is, only that I will be far from him. Then he said that I will go and will be there with myself. That it won't solve the issue.
Then he started saying that he has no one, that he loves no one and never did. That the only woman he loved was me and that it was hard to forget. That he still loves me with all his heart.
Then he said that he doesn't know what to do, that he is alone, he has nothing, he can't move. Then I made a funny face, like the dog eyes, and said: Why don't you come back to me?
He said: Well, I love you and I know you love me now. We can be friends.
Then I said: Why friends, why don't we date and try to give our R a shot? a second chance? And he said: Pink, I have been saying this for half an hour. I said I want to be friends.
Then I said: I have guys friends, but I am not interested in then, so with you it needs to be a date. Like going to a movie, but walk with hands tight.
Or go to a dinner, dance but together and boyfriend and girlfriend. And he said that he was actually asking me this.
Then we talked about that and we agreed that we will give another try. It will need to be slow and we both agree with it. No sex, just some dates to start developing our friendship and trust again. Kind of getting to know each other again.
We also agreed that because our faith, we will promise to keep God inside our R forever.
So we hugged, we kissed a tiny bit, and we hugged more.
He said that he could never find a woman like me, that he loved me before and loves me now and that he could never take me from his heart.
When he was leaving, I asked if he wanted me to set up a date, place... and he said that he will do that and will let me know. I said that probably next week since this will be a very busy one. He said that he will organize everything and let me know.
Well, it is a shot. We are both scared to death. But I am willing to try, first because I still love him with all my heart.
Maybe, just maybe, our family will have a chance. If anyone has any advice for me, I would appreciate.
The advice from Pink: I finally learned to let go, even if it was still inside my heart, it wasn't in my life anymore. But that is when he felt really attracted to me, because I shine, I smile with life, I have beauty from inside out. The vets told us, we doubt, just to find out it is true.
Love you all, and now I see that your kind words of advice, 2 x 4s, and experience made me a better person....
Love to you all,
It was my time to love and discover myself and I did it, I found myself again.
Kisses and hugs from Pink
thank you for the update.
caution and patience, that's all we need, right?
he is basically begging you to keep it no romance mode right now. you get to chose if that is good enough or not, it is a difficult choice.
it is crazy. my wife can't handle overt romantic. if I keep things light and simple and JUST be, sometimes romantic happens. sometimes we hold hands or walk arm and arm, or head on shoulder...but when it is forced...it gets rejected, she just can't handle it sometimes. even calling it a date sometimes upsets the prospect of fun from the get go. (definitely no long eye and contact -jeeze talk about off switch)
when it does happen, when she let's those walls down. for the short times it is wonderful!
be gentle with yourself. be understanding with him. be cautious and just try to have fun with it if you do go out.
there is no hurry here! you are doing awesome...really loved how your summer went.
(((pink)))
Pink,
Slow down! He has stated that he wants to be friends. He's not ready to commit to a "relationship" w/you right now. You and your xh started out as friends and then the love grew and you married. I hate to say this, but the old marriage is gone and the only way to "possibly" reconcile and get into a more romantic relationship is to start out as friends, i.e., a new relationship needs to begin and then slowly, but surely (hopefully) the love will return and a NEW relationship will ignite and a NEW marriage. (Hopefully)
Bottom line, reconciling is the hardest part of the MLC journey. We get impatient and we want our relationships back like yesterday...it doesn't work that way. They slowly went into MLC and then will slowly exit MLC. Dig deeper for patience and keep things at the friendship level. It could take another (possible) 18-24 months before he feels comfortable in his own skin. Patience, patience and more patience are what is needed now. If you push too hard, it will taken even longer or he could very well walk away and not want a relationship w/you at all.
Pink, you can do this...start out as friends and keep it very simple. No more relationship talks about the future or getting back together for now...friendship is the key and the beginning of any long term relationship.
Hey Pink - good to see an update from you my friend. So, I agree with Job. He is saying let's be friends. That's good, and don't try to make this into more than friends....ie - we're dating but we don't sleep together etc. I think at this stage, anything that looks like 'getting back together' may be pressure that he can't really handle.
I think he has realised that his life has become pretty empty and loveless. He holds feelings for you that had become buried for a time. However, his life is also in somewhat of a mess and he has some personal sorting out to do I think. And if he is in a R, that may become pulled quite thin. I'm reminded of Lou's H telling her that he really didn't have a R to offer just now. And I think you really need to listen as your XH seems to be telling you the same. But you want to hear - let's try again - but he's not ready.
So, I would ask you - can you open up a little more to him? Be on more friendly terms? Maybe go out once every week or two? Have few expectations of him and accept he may pop back in to his hole from time to time? I think you would need to be able to handle all of these things if you want to open a friendship door to him again...
Also, do be prepared that the convo you had also represents pressure to him and that may in itself lead to a pop back into the rabbit hole....so he may or may not deliver with organising an outing for you guys...
I hope this helps Sweetie - not what you want to hear perhaps - but I do think it may be the best way forward and increase your chances in the much longer term.
Good luck in any case my friend xx
Hi Pink,
Just want to chime in as I am going through a similar stage to you.
My h came back in to my life about a year ago, he told me he wanted to be with me, I was the only one for him etc etc, just like your conversation with your h. Then when is came to it he backtracked as it was too full on for him, whilst he was waking up he was far from ready to be in a r with anyone. So we agreed to be friends, firmly in the friend zone with some rules - like no dating anyone else. We met up, had dates, enjoyed each others company and were there for each other. We have laughed, we have shared and we have discussed harder topics too. But it remained ....as frustrating as it was for me ...as friends. Fast forward a year and we are now heading to being together in a relationship, 4 weeks time he moves to me and we have committed to each other.
My advice is please please dont rush your h, he is telling you he wants to be friends and is feeling the pressure to be more as you want that and right now he is afraid if he does not give it to you you will leave his life. So let him lead this for a while (and it is hard not to push for more, I know), do it as his pace so that he can be comfortable with you and you with him. He may be feeling terrible guilt and needs time to reconcile those feelings and work out how he feels (which is still in painfully slow mode). To push him into a corner now could potentially send him off to yonder in a panic, you have come too far to let that happen Pink, so patience (oh how I dislike that word these days lol), understanding and lots more patience !!
Good Luck, I am supporting from over here. xoxo
Hello Zephyr, Job, Sotto and LouR,
Thank you so much for coming to my rescue once again. I got so much good advices on this board. I can't even express in words what a difference it made and is making in my life.
Being busy with myself, kids, work and life in general, made me forget the whole MLC storm and what are the steps to really get better from this horrible process.
I confess that when he told me that he still loves me and that he can't take me from his heart, it was not a shock. It was a bomb of excitement. I didn't realize how it rocked my world at that little instant.
My XH was never a man of too many words. He talks in circles and it is worse now. I am the opposite, I like talking about everything. I like explaining things and I normally like to understand situations with all the words.
But, I get that this is a process and there are some details we can pay attention and try, at least try to do the right thing.
Since I came a long way to get myself more detached (not 100% from the inside), I feel a little more at peace with myself on letting go on this one too.
After reading your advices and real life stories like Zephyr ad LouR, I realize that I need to dig deep for "PATIENCE".
Yes, I guess I hate this word too. Patience with XH, with kids, with the pace of my life, with work. Wow, never even tough I would be so patient.
But I have been learning and I will let him lead. Let things happen as they happen without pressure. I also realized that I have a lot to do on my own related to my life. I have some things I want to do and it will be better if I do while he is not around.
I also realized that saying to him that I think we should date and go out as boyfriend/girlfriend was a lot for him to digest. Maybe he will run away, maybe not. We will see.
He was at my house last night. I wasn't there as I was in class at our church. While in a house he called me and then I texted him that I was in a class and he texted back apologizing. He told S19 that he was looking for the baseball glove cream because he will play some softball with his work buddies.
I still don't call him for any stupid excuse, I call only if it very important and about the kids, what is very seldom. The R talks need to stop and it is kind of hard when he always goes back to the subject, so I feel I need to work on some exit ways to avoid those talks but also not be rude.
I have a get together with my divorce group on Friday night, just the girls. Then Saturday I will joined the church group in a mission to distribute food for the poor in our area. Saturday afternoon I am going out with a friend that became a widow very recently and is going through a hard time. She may come and sleep at my house.
So, I am pretty busy. I am not sure how to handle this. If he comes up with some stuff for the days I am busy, I don't know if I just tell him I can't because I have some commitments or if I agree to go out with him and cancel the other stuff, what won't be a big deal.
By other hand, I don't want to stop my life or even change it around just because he pops up. I worked too hard on not have expectations and let go and I don't want to go back into the hole again.
Sometimes, when I think about it all, it feels so much easier to just let go on it all. This what is happening is like a shower of all what happen before. I even catch myself wondering if what I feel for him is love or something else.
In a few words... I AM AFRAID... SCARED TO DEATH.
I am afraid to hope, because he may be just playing around. I am afraid to trust, love. There are so much mixed feelings now.
This is a hard week too. I will be dropping my kid at college tomorrow morning and it is a bitter sweet feeling. I feel proud and happy and I feel sad and anxious. XH will be at my house by 6am tomorrow to help with the moving. There is a part of me that likes that and there is a part of me that knows we have a broken family right now. Oh well, I will make the most of it because my kid deserve a nice time in his life. It is not about me, it is about S19 now.
I will keep on the friend zone. Not move a finger to get things my way. I will let him lead, if he wants too. I won't stop my own life.
I will also try to read DR, DB and some other material I have on MLC again next week. Just to refresh my mind about these aliens behaviors.
The good thing about all this is that there is still a lot of respect between us. We care for each other as a person first and that may be a plus in this time of our lives.
Again thank you so much and I will ask that if you can, please continue with me in this journey. At this point in time, many of my family and friends think that I am disrespecting myself, letting him walk over my head, not caring about my own life, and blah, blah, blah.
They even say that I have no "balls" to ask XH to take his stuff out of the garage.
I still believe that as human beings we lose it sometimes and we make mistakes we later regret. No one is perfect, I look back and I see a lot of my own flaws. So why to judge someone, why not believe that like me, people can change?
Love you all and thank you so much for your love for me, a person with no face that you came to rescue.
Pink
I need a little help...
I have been very busy and kind of stressed out lately. Just too many things to do and not much time to get it done. So I think my head does not think straight sometimes.
Just like you all said, my XH was all forward and lovely one weekend and then was distant the next. The difference now is that he seems to like to be around even when distant. He seems to enjoy seeing me, like he admires me more now.
Well, by my side it hurts. It is all unsafe area, all unsure and it [censored]. Last Monday, he called and was all happy and talking about our kid that went to college. Our younger one went on a out of state football trip and he said that we could go together to pick him up at the airport.
I said that he doesn't need to do that since he lives far from me and he explained a lot to convince me that it won't be a problem.
It seems silly to ask for help on this. But, part of me says I need to just agree and enjoy the ride. And part of me keep thinking that he just accommodated things because he doesn't want that both of us drive to pick up the kid and put him into an awkward situation on choosing which parent he rides home with.
I don't know what to do, it became comfortable for me to just avoid him and be on my own life. But, I still think that we may have a chance and I still love him.
It is so hard... I feel I just want to move far, far away and try to forget it all. But I also know I will be moving with myself and it won't resolve anything.
Sorry for being a taker... I always look for help but I am not giving any. I feel kind of pathetic to tell people what they might do when I don't know what do in my own life.
Thanks to all that always look after me, you are all amazing people.
Pink
Hi Pink,
You seem to have a regular support group here, but I'm going to chime in anyway.
First off, that whole taker thing?
Shut up.
Take what you need give what you can when you can.
What is wrong with a car ride? Unless I am missing something is there a hotel or overnight stay somewhere? If not, you have been having long conversations with him that have lasted until 1:30 am in the morning.
I'd tone down the whole I love you thing, maybe not bring it up, no relationship talking. I'll even go so far as to say dress up a little bit. Not obviously like a cocktail dress or anything like that, but look...nice.
Let him see what he is missing, but move any relationship talks away from that subject or keep them really short.
I'd suggest that he is comfortable with you, he seems to knows that you are safe, that you would take him back that you want more from him, and are willing to work on it.
I'm not suggesting that this is a game, but it sort of plays like one. I'm not saying lie about anything like how your co-worker asked you out and asking your XH if you should go out with him. Stupid ploy and trick. But to just sort of stop talking about things that will reassure him that your going to be around.
Be friendly with him and confident in yourself.
Hi Jack, thank you so much for the hint. I don't know where I would be without the great therapists I get here. Really a treasure for life.
It's hard not to have R talks with him, but I think I can manage to keep it short, informal and not getting into his inferno.
Through my faith, I have been learning to let the old woman in the past and live the new one with a new mentality. Kind of great time to have even a class to work on those issues.
I think I will take it as he is just a man that could possibly develop into something else somewhere down the road. EASY UHh? not at all, it is very hard to do that since we shared so many years together, but since I learned so much about so many others things that were hidden inside myself, I guess I can learn that too.
You know, I walk strong and then I fall on my knees. Some of those nasty feelings of rejection and inferiority comes to haunt me big time. Like this, when he comes forward, I start feeling like I am not good enough for the task.
That's another one that only time will decrease the intensity.
Jack, definitely I will look nice. It gives me more confidence and will help me to feel strong. Like you said, not dress for a cocktail but look good and feel good.
Thinking about, I think that you nailed it in the head about the whole R talks. Normally, it becomes a lot of "I am sorry" session. He starts apologizing for being an idiot and I feel the need to apologizing for being an idiot too. Then we go on and on in our past.
You are right, it needs to stop and see what it can be without the past in the present. We changed a lot, that is for sure. We are both better people, not the best, but we even laugh sometimes that we are better for each other now.
So, what can I say: Thank you!!! I was down on myself, and doing what I do best... run away!!! But you got my spirit up and happy again. I need to be positive and confident that we still have a chance to love again.
Love you lots and thank you!!!
Pink
They even say that I have no "balls" to ask XH to take his stuff out of the garage.
Hi Pink17 - I was just passing by and while I don't have anything to offer on your current problem I saw this and it reminded me of something that W used to say that you may want to adopt.
Women have their "balls" right up on their chest where everyone can see them. Do your best to be strong and confident in yourself and your decisions regardless of what others say or think. You need to be true to the true you.
Hi There,
Thank you Andrew, but the reality is that I really don't know if I ask him to take his stuff out of my garage at this point. There is a side of me that keep hoping he left it there because he is in this MLC mess, but there is a part of me that has pain for having that hope alive. I just don't know.
About the airport ride. Well, it didn't happen. At church it was as usual. I sat on my own and he was there, sitting on his own too.
After the service, he asked to talk to me and walked outside with me because I was leaving. He then told me that he couldn't pick up S16. That he had some things to do and that he would just go to the airport but then go to his place after that.
I said it was fine, that I was planning to get him anyway and that I was also driving S18 to his college afterwards. I started walking to my car, got in and he was there by my door. When I started the car he gave me a check for the kids expenses and I just said thank you, goodbye.
I know it was cold and my reaction was really because I had expectations. All my fault for putting myself in that position.
Then a few minutes later he called and because my phone was on silent, I didn't hear it. Around 5:30pm I checked my phone and had a message from XH saying that he would pick up S16 at the airport and would drop off S18 at his college and that I did not need to worry about because he rearrange things around it.
I can just say that I am not so detached as I tough I was because it bothers me. Should I just understand it is life and move on, or get frustrated because everything is a deal.
I really try my best to just let go, but he always confuse things around and then I need to be in between this kind of events. I have a plan to do something and then it changes as the wind.
I called him and said that he didn't need to do that because I was already planning to, and that S18 wouldn't be going to college very early because he would like to talk to his brother a little bit.
XH said that it was OK and that was my business. Then I lost it, I asked him why he was being so mean and treating me like trash. That two weeks ago he was all friendly and talking about being good friends and then he was mean and cold.
He said that it was not true and that he was just trying to help me. He said: I could never treat you like trash because I like you, I actually love you.
Me - You are going crazy, and the best thing I can do is to keep my distance and give you the gift of my absence.
XH - I do not have any problem being around you, and I do not think it will resolve anything.
Me - It won't be long now, our younger kid has two school years and then I can actually put some miles in between, move somewhere and stop this insanity.
XH - As I told you before it won't solve anything, you will go with yourself and have the same issues. I really think that you should stay here but I won't be an anchor if you want to move somewhere, or get a better job some other city.
Me - Well, you left it clear two years ago when you said you were done, you left and as much as I have hoped, I understand now that this is really what you want and I can just take it the way it is and move on from here.
XH - It's amazing how you will always remember how things ended. You will never remember that you were the one that left much earlier, that for years you didn't love me anymore and was out of the R.
Me - Yes I know all what you have to say, and all what I can do is to buried my guilt inside and live with it until I am dead. I can't change what I did, I see now that I missed many things and was not the best person. I learned so much in these last two years and see very clear that I could have reacted in a different way.
XH - And that is why I told you last week that when you said that if I didn't want to help making the sandwiches for the church, that I did not need to help, it hurt. I felt guilty and I did not like the way you said that and guilty me into doing something. I really know that you didn't mean that, but I did not like the way I felt. And I told you that because I know that in the past I never told you how I felt and I think it was unfair to you, and to both of us. I think that I need to say the way I feel to you and talk about it.
Me - I get it, and actually it is another reason why I need to be away from you, so I do not do or say things that can hurt you again. For so many years I have been hurting you, I do not need to do this again.
XH - You do not hurt me, you do not bother me, I am fine around you. It won't solve the problem to be away.
So, changing the subject, I asked him if he could bring me back the camping tent because I would like to use it in the coming weekend. He paused and then said that it was OK, he would bring it to me Monday night, when he is actually coming to my house to work on some legal paperwork for the church.
When S16 and him arrived at the house from the airport, he came in and then walked to me and gave me a strong hug. Did not say anything, just hugged strong and long. He smiled and said: I will see you tomorrow then.
Now, that I am writing it all. I can see that I have been reacting a lot to everything. I can see that the fact that S18 left for college is still very fresh on me and that I have been feeling it without recognizing it painful.
Lots of work to do on the "Let go" area. It's maybe the hardest thing I ever did. I want to let go and I am afraid to let go. I want to let go and that it won't bother me anymore, but in the same time I have this fear that if I let go then my love for him will disappear.
Yes, I don't make any sense. If the love disappear, then I won't feel bad anymore.
How can I just ignore it all? How can I just state the way it is and do not allow him to make a hell around me? How can I set boundaries?
I feel that I can give it a shot and let him get closer, be open about a possibility and be friends. But then what to do when he messes my stability with his crazy change of plans all the time?
I wish I can be on a gray zone sometimes, but it is very hard for me. I was and I am more like black and white and it does not go well with this XH. His gray zone is very vast and things change all the time. For him, it all make perfect sense, for me it is insanity.
I guess I will go back into my cocoon and let him be. I will disappear for awhile and get my peace of mind back.
This MLC thing is pure torture. I just wish it was not happening.
Pink
Pink,
I'm so sorry you are hurting today. One thing you do need to do is to detach a bit more. When you and your xh are having conversations, etc., you are expecting him to be the same old person he once was. Pink, you and your xh have changed quite a bit since the split. Your expectations are setting you up for disappointment and yes anger.
The relationship conversations need to stop. Rehashing what was or happened in the past, for now need to remain in that box upon on a shelf in your closet. There will come a time when these discussions will take place...but now is not the time. Nothing ever gets resolved when they are taken out of the box and rehashed.
If the stuff in the garage is bugging you and creating more pain, then move the stuff to rental hold and set up the rental in his name, give him the key and advise him that he will be responsible or the rent on the place. At least it would be out of your garage and out of sight for you and you won't be throwing his stuff away. Just because they leave stuff w/us doesn't necessarily mean he's going come back and/or he wants the stuff. Has he made any effort to come get any of the stuff? Generally, they want new stuff because it's more fitting for the new and improved self.
Pink, you might want to re-read the detachment thread and re-read the thread on boundaries. Step back, detach more and keep your expectations at zero. He is not the man you knew pre-crisis. This is a new man who is different in many ways, just as you are. In order to establish a new relationship w/him, you have to start at the beginning and be friends.
I know you can do this...you just have to have faith in yourself and the man upstairs. Sometimes we have nothing to fear but fear itself...let go, let God drive the bus for a bit.
Pink,
Well, you had a relationship talk...
And stop doing that for as long as you can.
The good news is, you actually got some good information here.
XH - It's amazing how you will always remember how things ended. You will never remember that you were the one that left much earlier, that for years you didn't love me anymore and was out of the R.
THAT is how he feels. whether or not you believe it to be true...it is true to him. And THAT will have to be addressed if you guys work toward being together.
So...good, information. Bad, relationship talk.
but in the same time I have this fear that if I let go then my love for him will disappear.
Like tomorrow? Nah, it won't disappear. Not in this time frame, if it went away quickly I'd be more concerned over you.
Letting go, is to protect you and your sanity, its not that you don't care, you will and do, its not immersing yourself in his drama, his crazy, its getting out of that...
Do you have any crazy neighbors? When they fight are you sort of glad that it doesn't involve you that you're not a part of it? Sort of wish they'd just shut up?
Remember the drama in high school?
Its sort of like that. You protect yourself by not being around it.
I make it sound so easy don't I?
It's not, but it gets easier with time, even with set backs.
Hi Job, thank you for helping me.
Job, I will read it again and I think that you are very right to ask me to do that. I think that I need to read even the DB and DR again and rehearse Sandy's rules a few times again.
This whole fear mode is my worse enemy. I have a really hard time to process things as they are. The possibility without the expectations. I actually never though I do that all the time in every area of my life.
I really need to stop the R talks. I know and I keep doing like a child. Need to do some grown up myself.
Job, I feel like an Yo-Yo most of the time regarding XH. I feel he loves me, he wants me but then he throw a cold water bucket on me and then I get sad because all that goes away.
I said this before and keep seeing the same pattern with XH. I cool off and put some distance and then he comes around again. I guess I need to understand the pattern and do not let him interfere in my life as much. (easier said then done).
Job, do you think we still have a chance even with all this going on? You saw a lot in these boards and I think you have more knowledge then me. Did you see these kind of situations with the MLCears? Do they really keep distant and then come around to just check out to see if you are still there for them?
It really feels this way many times. It is like he is trying to assure himself that he will mess around and then I will get angry. But in the same time he brings stuff to the plate to show me almost that he is working on us, his terms, his ways. Like the stuff about talking to me about his feelings that he didn't do during our M.
Or like when he says always, that moving away is not the way to solve our problems.
I feel like I want to ask... "So, are we working on our problems?" But I do not want to ask so straight forward like this, but I get all mixed up in the same time.
It's like doing things but never talking about what we are doing for sure.
And that weekend when he came forward saying that he wants to be friends and go out together? He said he would organize it and let me know and then I should just move on like nothing happen?
Sorry Job for my long internet crying. I am just so tired of all this. I do everything else. He just take the kids to eat out, that is his part. I do all the other stuff. Sometimes I feel even disgusted that he is the way he is right now. And he still says that he is very busy... working hard to provide for the family.
I just can't believe so much insanity. The land of MLC is pure hell, it is a long walk on the valley of the shadows, literally.
But again, as I always do, I come here to get some strength to live another day. And as you said, let God drive the bus for a bit.
Funny that our faith actually puts us together all the time. If you look from outside, it is like a fight between good and evil.
Today the Pastor, his wife, my XH and me will be working at my house. I am prepare to make a good and healthy dinner, so we may have a good time and I will try my best to just be and let God do his thing.
I love you Job, you have been with me for a long time in this journey. You are an awesome person!!! God bless you!!!
Thanks,
Pink
Pink,
Have you read the thread called the Dance of Pursuit and Distance? I think you need to read it. When you warm up to him and come closer, he then distances himself from you. When you distance yourself from him, he comes closer and the dance continues. Maybe it's time to stay the course and not react to anything he says or does.
What I sense from your postings is that he becomes friendly, says and does things that warm you up a bit. Then your expectations go in full gear and when he dumps the pail of water on your head, you get angry, upset and disappointed. In the future, if he warms up to you, then you continue as you would w/a long lost cousin. Don't react, no more relationship talks and continue as you have been. When he sees that you aren't reacting to his crazy making behavior, he just may start to realize that you are moving forward and he'll need to start thinking about what he needs to do to regain his trust. They need to work hard to regain your trust. If it's too easy, then they'll continue to say and do whatever. He has to earn your trust and respect.
Pink, re-read the threads I suggested, and yes, even the DB and DR books. We all have danced the Pursuit and Distance dance one time or another. Unfortunately, we don't realize what we've been doing until it's pointed out to us. Right now, you are the only one that can change your dance card.
Pink, I know you can do it!
I just can't believe so much insanity. The land of MLC is pure hell, it is a long walk on the valley of the shadows, literally.
I'd rather be the LBS any day of the week than the MLCer.
You'd walk through hell for your husband, right?
Would you walk through hell not knowing if your husband would come back with you?
Don't react, no more relationship talks and continue as you have been. When he sees that you aren't reacting to his crazy making behavior, he just may start to realize that you are moving forward and he'll need to start thinking about what he needs to do to regain his trust. They need to work hard to regain your trust. If it's too easy, then they'll continue to say and do whatever. He has to earn your trust and respect.
I agree completely.
Job is right you're putting a lot more expectations on these small moments of him being nice.
I think you have a few options. The one that Job suggested above.
1 - Don't react.
2 - You can live in the moment, if you can kill your expectations. If you can enjoy the small temporary happy moment with him, realize that it was just that moment and that tomorrow might not happen, that he might be a turd tomorrow. If you can just enjoy that moment without building on it.
But that is hard, without practice. That takes skill.
3 - Withdraw. It's like don't react, but with more gusto. Don't put yourself out there. Yeah he is being nice, but so what? Don't be as available for him. Pull back.
Job, not trying to step on your toes.
Pink I don't have anything spectacular to add, Job and Jack3Beans gave amazing replies. However I just wanted to say that reading your latest posts I feel like I'm reading something that I wrote. I feel the same way about my H, clutching at straws instead of keeping my expectations low, and trying so hard to stay dark. I'm on week two of minimum contact and it is killing me. However I'm using the time to reflect on my issues and the part they played in my H's anger, MLC, and even his EA with my friend. Like you, I would do anything to put this hellish period behind me. I know we still have a long way to go though.
Jack3Beans, funny you mentioned that you would prefer being the LBS than the MLCer. I was thinking the same a couple of days ago. How horrible it must be going though a MLC and rewriting history and becoming a selfish person that cares for no one but themselves. No sorry, not for me. As a LBS I got the opportunity to review my life and grow and improve. I can show my kids how to fight and hopefully I can keep learning about myself and life and H every day. H is in his own world, deep in his fog.
I'm right there w/Jack...I'd rather be the LBS than the MLCer. As the LBS, sure there is pain, hurt, anger and disappointment, but you still face whatever comes your way and you work through it, not around it. The MLC skirts any and all responsibilities and uses any all different distractions to keep their mind busy and focused elsewhere. Just because we do not see the open wounds, bruises, scars, etc., it doesn't mean that they aren't hurting inside.
Jack, you aren't stepping on my toes. I'm glad you are back and in full swing!
Hello Job, Jack and Esame,
Thank you so much for all the amazing advices you give me. Being inside of the MLCer turmoil is something out of this world.
So, after the whole mix up, XH gets home w/S16. I was sitting on the coach reading some papers and S18 was doing some homework. He walked to me and hugged me for a few minutes without a word. I did not say anything and just put my hand on him. Did not hug him.
Then I greeted S16 and XH said he was leaving. I just said goodbye with a little smile and said drive safe.
Monday, he texted me that he would be at S16 school when he would drop his football gear and talk to his coach. XH said he wanted to be there for the hard talk, at least outside so S16 would feel better.
I texted back and wrote:
"They told me about the plans and I already washed all the football gear. I appreciate you will be there for S16.
And I appreciate you. The way you are coming forward and making some things important. It is really nice to see you supporting the kids. They tell me all the time that the old dad would do "X" but the new dad is much better because he does "Z".
I have no words to express my gratitude for the man you are now.
Actually, I wish I wouldn't see all this change, but it is there and I feel like I need to tell you that you are a better man, a better father. Congrats!!!"
I know I may get a bunch of 2x4s on my head, but XH always says that I didn't admire him, I wasn't proud of him. I felt I should say something for the fact that I see he is trying to change some of the old. That he can be busy at work, but still make some time to support his family. Something he didn't before.
As amazing as life is. Monday night my Pastor, his wife and XH came to the house to resolve some church legal paperwork that actually I was the one driving the Pastor crazy about it.
I was making dinner and XH arrived a little earlier. He gave me the camping tent that I asked for and didn't question why I need it. He was happy, smiling and being really nice. I gave him the paperwork we would be working on. He started talking and I was very pleasant and polite.
We did some of the paperwork and I noticed that XH was pushing for another meeting some other time. Then he said with all the words that he thinks we won't be able to do all what needs to be done in one day, that we probably need to meet a few times more.
But then when we started putting dates, he said that he could only Friday night. I didn't say anything and he asked me if that was ok with me. I said that I had some plans already and maybe we could do it on the holiday. Then he said that if I was busy to do the papers, then they could meet by themselves.
He was not trying to be mean and I know it. He was trying to mess with my plan. Then I said that I could move things around and do what I need to do first. Then he said: "It seems that it always happen when you have some plans, I am sorry".
After dinner, I served some desert and coffee. We were all talking at the table. Then eventually we started talking about us, our lives, wounds, etc. The pastor started talking about us and how God has been transforming us.
He said that neither of us are nearly close to what we were when he met us the first time. That God has been cleaning a lot of old wounds and transforming us into new people.
He then said that it will be in God's time, but XH and I will eventually sit and talk about us and our unfinished R. That he knows we care and love each other, but there will be a time when we will forgive and will talk and eventually make our family a unit again.
XH had tears on his face. I did not cry. I just sat there in silence. We both listened to all what the Pastor said and we did not disagreed with him. By the opposite, XH said that he was very right.
So, I guess we had some kind of couple therapy. It was not planned, it just happen.
At the end, they were leaving and I said goodbye to all, nothing special for XH.
Yesterday, I totally forgot that he was picking up S16 to have dinner together. When he knocked the door I was surprised to see him. But, I just said hi and went back to finish my homework because I would be leaving soon.
He approached me and asked if I was doing my homework, I said yes but was really concentrated in my work and didn't talk to him. When he left, he said By Pink, and I just said BY, did not even look at him.
So, I get what you guys said. Keep some distance and go dark a little bit. It is not easy, but I think it is also not hard. I will adjust my attitude and keep my distance even when he is around. It is like he is just another member of the church and is coming to work on some papers.
I love what Job said that they need to work hard to regain your trust. If it is too easy, then they will do whatever.
I agree with that, and it kind of got stuck in my head. This whole thing about feeling I didn't love him, keep him justifying for the betrayal, the abandon, the zero responsibility with his kids.
Besides, pulling myself away from him will definitely gives me some space to rest. I confess that it all makes me very tired.
I will do my best, and I still believe in the process. I think that doing the right thing can at least improve your chances of rescuing the love that was lost somewhere in the turmoil of life itself.
It is still very hard for me to let go that my family broke into pieces. But I can't change that now. It is what it is and I am just feeding pain over pain.
I also wouldn't like to be the MLCer. I see how XH duel in his guilt. Even though I feel he is getting the best of it. Having a life without kids around to drive you crazy, not having any physical work since he does not have much, don't have the kids, no responsibility with school, doctors, and so much more that is involved in a teenager's life.
But I also see that he suffers for not having all this. That he is lonely, trying to feel better and still dealing with so much pain. XH has everything to do whatever with his life, all the space in the world to move on, and yet he is stuck on himself. Yeah, I do not want to be in his shoes.
I need to prepare myself tough, he is noticing that I am not ignoring him, but he has been treated as a neighbor. I still feel sometimes that he has been in this board because he does things like someone is advising him. Oh well, who knows.
I think soon the whole drama will break open again and I need to be strong to stay the course. I am not so broken now. I think I can do this.
Again, thank you so much for all what you did and is doing to help me. It is indeed a valuable gift in my life.
Hugs to all,
Pink
Hi there,
I keep it as a journal so it will at least help someone else someday.
Yesterday XH'S text was about picking up our S16 from school. I did not reply.
Today I got an email with his schedule for September and it says that on 9/2, 9/3 and 9/4 he will be cooking dinner at the house, if it is OK with me.
I do not have a problem with that. I can always go to my room or go out with a friend or for a walk. Besides I hate cooking and this way I can have a break.
But by other hand, I just can't grasp what goes in his mind. Now he is inviting himself over to cook dinner.
I texted him not too long ago reminding him that we will have our pastor and his wife tomorrow evening. Maybe he already forgot about it and will think twice about the whole dinner deal.
I am really thinking that Michelle needs to write a book just for MLC, because it is not just a hell zone, it is a lot more then that.
Well, that is all for now. I will keep updating as we go. I am actually feeling good today. Had my performance review and everything with outstanding w/comments of how great is my work and what a nice person to work with I am. Besides got a little raise too, not much, but it is a raise.
Tell you, if at least I could to just empty my heart about my XH, I would be in a very good place right now. I am still trying to figure it out what is wrong with me that can't just let go on this stuff.
Love you guys,
Pink
Hey Pinkie! Sorry not posted for a bit, but have been reading along. I thought the observations about the cycle with you and XH were useful. Don't beat yourself up about not managing to empty your heart. It does take time and the main thing is to be on a healing path. I think if you are not able to interact with detachment, then a little more distance is good. If you are more detached, you can tolerate a little more closeness.
From all that you post, I imagine he will continue to do what he does for a while yet....so it's what you do that really matters.
Great news on the rave reviews at work....and the pay rise - go Pink!! Xx
Pink if Michele writes that book I'll buy copies for all my friends and family so that they can maybe benefit from it. I don't think it would do my H any good though, in their world it's all good
Glad your appraisal went well, you must be pleased with yourself
Congratulations on the reviews. If your xh is coming over to cook, be sure to put any and all documents, etc., away about this forum and anything else that you do not want him to see.
As for forgetting that you are having guests over, I wouldn't remind him. He's a big boy.
Continue moving forward. You are right where you need to be at this time.
Have a great weekend!
Pink keeping distance is really hard but I think the alternative is even harder. I'm on my third week of going dark on my H and in a way it's killing me, but in the other hand I have made huge progress in my development. Anything I want to say to him I write it down, and hopefully one day I will get the chance to share some of it with him.
I would hate to think my H is on this forum, it would feel like he reading my diary or violating my personal space.
You are strong, keep it up xxx
Nothing to add except my support Pink.
Have been wishing to have some time to get to the board. If you forgot about me, I don't blame you, I keep disappearing and when I came back it is in a very selfish way. So ugly, but I really don't have much time these days.
Everything is good with life. My boys are moving along. S22 is getting better every day now that he is not taking those bipolar medications. Still struggling sometimes to accept that he was misdiagnosed and lost time in his life. Oh well, he will learn.
S19 is always complaining that College is a waste of time. That sometimes the kids know better then the teachers. I just keep talking to him and reminding him that he is just a freshman, things will change eventually. He joined the soccer team and have lots of fun with it.
S16 is just moving with the flow in HS - getting ready to test for his driving permit (at last it is here). He has been more uplifting lately. In good spirits.
I am doing OK most of the time. I look pretty different now. And friends and family are saying that the divorce was really good for me.
Now, it is for real. I was dragging my feet on the job hunt stuff, but it is here. Lots of stuff changing at work and I will end up doing a lot more for the same money. NOPE, thanks but no thanks. I am a single mom and I need to be compensated for the long hours at the office. So, I am job hunting.
Working a lot on my faith and found out that I didn't know much about the God I pray for. I am very happy I got the opportunity to learn about this intimate relationship I can have w/my God and I am in love with him. The more I learn, the more I want to learn.
There are so much more layers on faith that I had no idea it even existed. I tough I knew it all, that I was doing all the right things. But now, I can see that I had no idea about my religion, my God and my faith. Happy I am having this in my life.
Now, the most important... THE EX HUBBY!!!
As you all said, it could be that XH talked about going out as friends, developing friendship and then nothing for a long time. Well, you were all right. After that day I heard nothing more about going on a date. We talked again for many hours and that was just him saying that I gave up on him before he gave up on our marriage, that I didn't love him anymore and he did me a favor, that he is broken and have nothing to offer to me or to anyone else as a matter of fact.
I did not say much, I just told him that it is all fine with me, and that I am moving on, that I need to live my life as it is and stop crying for the milk spilled.
We sat outside, looking at the full moon, not talking much. I put my hand on his back and he said that for a long time I don't give him a massage, then I gave him one. When I finished, I sat beside him and he held my hand very tight and said. Oh Pink, what we are going to do!!! I said... Nothing, let it just be.
Basically, things are kind of the same. His stuff is in my garage, even tough I asked him to take them away again. We see each other very often.
I just notice now that he is being more nose on my life. That he is doing extra stuff for the kids. It is like he is extra nice all the time. I know he has been changing, but I don't know how much.
This month he put on the schedule that he would cook something at the house, I did not complained about it, it is fine with me.
But what I am trying to say is that it is hard to read what he does. XH has been very polite since the beginning of all this. So, I am not sure if he wants to be close to me because of his nice behavior, because guilty, or because he is having second toughs about us, or is just simply because the kids.
He is always full of attention with me and has been more lately. Whatever I ask, he try his best to do.
But sometimes he says something that makes me think he is just trying to keep a good neighbor. Like, we are talking and I say that I need to have all my emotions in place and I tough it would be easier. Then he said that he is in a better place because he was ahead of me in the whole divorce stuff.
Or like last sunday, one of the ladies from the church asked me something and said - Ask for your husband to give it to you Pink. And then he said, EX, Ex husband.
I also did a bad thing. I SNOOP, again. Yes I did and yes I kind of regret it. XH left a bunch of bags in my garage and left to have dinner with the boys. I checked and found his computer bag sitting right there. I opened it and read some notes. XH always write about his feelings.
Found some notes about the OW. How he would like to say good weekend, why did this happen, that he will wait until his patience runs off, that he would like to make love day and night and blah, blah, blah.
The last thing he wrote was dated Oct/Nov 2015 then nothing more about her. The other stuff was only about himself and his faith. That he is holding on to his self by his values and faith, that all what he wants is that God will work on him and will make him a better person. That he will always be there for his family and friends.
In his notes about her there is no name, no place, nothing. There is no I love you, I miss you. There is just a cry out that she did not decide to be with him. But that does not change that he fell for her. That he loved her.
I don't know exactly what goes in his heart or his mind. There was a time that I asked for his help with some of the boys stuff and he said that he is already doing everything that we agreed in our divorce. Then I said that this is a very comfortable single life, with no responsibilities, that it is nice to see that he is happy now.
He said that I have no idea of what he feels, that I think he is very happy and it is all the contrary, that he has nothing and no one, that he sleeps alone every day, that he knows the mistakes he made. That he realized that he was stupid and did not know what he was losing until he really lost. That he regrets all what he did because it was a big mistake.
I try to read something similar, but I always find people that are gone for awhile, or people that are angry for awhile, but my XH is not like that. He has so much attention with me, he is so lovely many times, he says he loves me almost every time we talk, that he didn't stop loving me and couldn't take me from his heart to this day.
But yet... he is not back, he does not want me in his life. He pretty much seems like he accepts he made a mistake and that this is it, we are done forever.
The last two times I saw him, I was very quite, distant and did not talk to him besides say Hi, and short answers. He was skeptical, I notice that he was full of questions of why I was like that. Well, I know. I felt bad reading those words about the OW even tough I know it was written last year.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to put distance between us, but then I feel we can develop some friendship and get closer again.
There is a tiny bit of hope in my heart, but there is so much fear for enabling myself to just have empty hopes. It's complicated to put distance between us because he shows up, we go to the same church, we have same friends. But it is also difficult to be friends because I end up betraying myself and having a lot more hope then I should.
I feel more detached from outside. I say outside because sometimes I act as if, and I got pretty good about it. I is like he didn't exist sometimes.
I know I am not ready for another R right now. But in the same time I feel I want some attention, I want company, I want someone to share some things in life.
I started reading something between jack beans and a nice lady from Germany, I do not recall her name now. It helps, but her H was a complete J@@@K. Will keep reading to see if there is anything familiar to grab my eyes on it.
Why?? Because it makes me feel better, not alone, standing for a M that doesn't even exists anymore. By the way, I am still married to him in my country, what by the way is legally accepted in the US. What a mess.
XH called my mom in her birthday, said he called his mother in law. I just can't believe it is happening in my life.
If you have questions that would make think, if you see in my words what I can't see, if you know better then me, if you have advices, if you think about anything, please let me know.
I keep going because my heart did not forget XH, I still love him and even more now that he really goes a mile to treat me well. He probably thinks the same, why now I actually treats him with love and respect.
We make so many mistakes thinking that we are doing the right things. So unfair... but reality. And now the consequences of my behavior.
Whatever you throw at me, will be welcome.
If nothing, then I will just post it here, someone will use it someday.
Love you all,
Pink
Hello my lovely
xx
Well, I have always thought - and I do think from what you post - your XH is a clinging boomerang/kitty MLCer. He isn't horrid to you, he feels bad, he wants affirmation from you - but he doesn't actually want to take solid steps back into the M. He wants you there (and not with anyone else) but doesn't actually want to be in the M just now. He's half in and half out even though you are D.
Ugh, horrid to have read that stuff, and I still get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's a typical MLCer type action to leave stuff like that in YOUR garage - eek..
So, he will do what he will do. He may be partly in and partly out for a week, month, year, ever... That's up to him. What you choose to do and how you interact with him is up to you. You can choose to have minimal contact if that works for you - or you can choose to spend more time with him. But the key is - what works for you. Choose the course which promotes happiness and steadiness within yourself and for your kids and follow that. Choose compassion, but have boundaries.
Glad to hear you are moving forwards, and exciting if there is a job change afoot too...
Lots of love and big hugs from me Sweetheart xx
Pink,
I was thinking about you yesterday and praying that everyone was doing better and I see that your sons are doing well and you are still hanging in there.
I don't blame you, I would be searching for a new position if they aren't compensating you for your time. You are a single mom w/three sons and every penny counts. I hope you find something soon.
As for your xh, I think that the last conversation you had w/him took the pressure off of him. He's being more attentive to the boys and wanting to cook a meal at your home, etc. As for his stuff still being there...many of them leave their belongings behind. If they aren't bothering you, then leave them be for a while longer.
Your xh isn't baked yet. He's still dealing w/a lot of issues and it may take a while longer for him to come to terms w/his issues and his life as it is now. You have control over your life. If you think limited contact is better for you, then so be it. As Sotto pointed out, what you choose to do and how you interact w/him is up to you. If something isn't working, try something different. Whatever you decide to do, be happy w/your decisions and move forward from there.
This is only my opinion, but I don't think the chapter of your life w/your xh is finished. I think that there is more to write in your look of life.
Pink, I think you are doing well and I do hope that you can dig deeper for patience and know that whatever you decide to do, we will be here to support you. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you find a new position very soon.
Take care.
Pink, I'm so glad you're still posting in here. I agree with job. The book is not finished. You and XH are still connected and what confuses me is that I don't know if you are keeping him at arm's length. It sounds like when he comes close, you hold your boundaries, which might be good for you if you are still afraid that he could hurt you again.
However, I am finding that piecing and reconciling are very risky and frightening and it makes us (me at least) very vulnerable. It's always risky to open yourself up like that, especially with someone who has hurt us so deeply and fundamentally. But if we aren't willing to take that risk, we won't get what we all wanted when we came here -- our M's back.
I took the leap and I'm so glad I did. Sometimes I still cry like a baby at the hurt and betrayal I felt. But I'm lucky. W takes me in her arms and helps me feel better when that happens. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary. I am so grateful I dared trust again, I dared being vulnerable again, and I dared loving her again -- that never really ended, though.
Thank you Sotto, Job and NYGal, you all rock as always.
So ladies, I kind of get the whole thing about deciding what is better for me. At this point in time, I know what would be better, my brain tells me what logic would benefit me the most and how easy it would be if... if.. if..
But my heart is something all different, it is stubborn, it does not understand logic, it does not fails to remind me every day that XH exists.
From the outside you can see a person that is living her life, doing her stuff. I don't look so bad and people say that I look better and younger everyday. I didn't stop working and got a nice performance review as you all know. I am refinancing my house for a much smaller interest rate e will finally put it in my name.
So you see, I am really managing my life well, with ups and downs in the kitchen since I hate cooking, but if you see me, you will say: "She got over it".
It is inside of me that is the turmoil. I am having a very, very, very hard time with the detachment part of this process. I don't let go. I feel I should, but the real me says there is still hope. Why am I so stubborn? Really don't know, never been so stuck in my life.
So I think to myself, what is the things that I can do that will put me closer to my goal, and yes, my goal is that XH and I could give just a chance to taste life together with our new view on things, with our kids older and doing better, without so much stress as it was before, with more faith.
All the time that I get closer to him things go really well, we get along well. But then I have these demons in my mind saying that he does not care about me, don't think about me, do not want me anymore in his life. That he loves someone else and won't be attracted to me ever again. Then I put distance.
I was thinking about what NYGal said and it really makes sense. I know it is hard, but having compassion, patience and loving him for what he is and what he has to offer seems like my best shot right now.
I have no problems with boundaries as XH has been very polite and respectful with me and boys. I can see the difference of respecting my boundaries and feeling comfortable around the house, around me.
I see that every time we talk he takes the time to listen and to tell things about himself. He always wants me to know that he is alone, has no one in his life. The very last time we talked, his car was on and he told me he was going to work and then would come back to pick up the boys for dinner. At some point, he went to his car to turn it off. I mention that I didn't want to bother him and he said that I never bother him.
Later I mention again and said that I was sorry that he was talking and didn't do the things he was suppose to and he said that there will always be work tomorrow and talking to me was more important.
Sometimes I even feel like he wants me to fight for him. By my side I always feel I need to keep my distance and let him step up and say he wants to come back. But, I also read here that sometimes things just develop onto something else and the MLCer won't ever do it properly, with all the words.
Now, XH keeps telling me that he has friends that have some marital problems and he tells me the advices that he gives them. Tells me that he always mention what he did to his family and that not trying to make a marriage work before taking any decision or stepping into something even worse, is the biggest mistake a person can make.
He always makes a point in saying that he mean every word he said. Like when he is leaving, he look at me and says: Pink, I meant every single word I told you.
So, maybe I should stop thinking that I need to keep my distance and make him believe I am moved on. He knows me so much better then anyone else in this earth and he knows I still love him. So why to lie? I do not need to run after him, never really did during this process and I am not planning to start now. But I think it is time to give him my shoulder, my understanding, my compassion and my unconditional love in any decision is there.
I know it will put me at the edge again. That it is more painful to stay then run away. But I got here thinking that there is no other way around anymore.
Like for example, when he says something nice to me, that I don't dismiss and look to the other side, but thank him and look him in the eye. Like when he says I look beautiful, that I accept he likes what he sees and feel proud that he said that to me, and smile and thank him with my heart and not just with my indifference.
Maybe it is time to be his friend, but for real. Last time we talked, he said again that he wish we could be friends, then I said that we are. He then said that I am cordial, friendly, and that there is a big difference of being his friend.
He is right, I am always so afraid to jump on his arms, that I keep the friendly attitude and I am not his friend.
So, what you guys think about it? I tried the NC stuff and it does not work with XH. He comes around, he is always around one way or the other. Then I tried the "as if" like trying to be strong, or that someone else is in my life... then XH comes around with more intensity and I kind lost myself then, because he is all forward, and when he sees I backpedal, then he back up too.
I guess from all the techniques, I need to go on the friendship way. As Job says, there is still a long way for XH since he is still in the oven. The pastor from my church knows both of us and says that we need to be patience, that God is working in both of us. But that he thinks that God has a reason for getting both of us always in each others path.
I forgot to tell but a lady from church that is an very big sweetheart said that she asked XH other day, if he had any plans for his life. She told me she said to him that he doesn't have all his life ahead and that he wasn't getting younger. XH said that he does not know yet, that he is working on his issues first. He said that he still love his family, his sons, love Pink and that right now he does not know how to go back home.
I hope that all what I am going through inside myself and the ordeal of this MLC effect will help someone one day. It is a really hard situation and it is very difficult to hang in there, even worse if you think that you may do all this and at the end it does not go the way you want to.
I guess if someone else show up in my life, then I will just move on.
Again, thanks ladies for all the advices and for making me think a little more. It is hard to see things well when you are so involved. But I am blessed to have such nice ladies and sometimes Jack here.
Please, don't hesitate to give me your opinion about all this, I really need some hints of what to do, what can I try, what words to say, what kind of subject would be nice to talk as friends. I feel silly but I also know that I am learning this stuff again and it is not the same and is very hard.
Thanks,
Pink
Pink,
I know that we've discussed this before but...why not just be friends? Be friends w/o expectations for now. You and your xh started out as friends and as time went on, you became close and fell in love. You can recreate this friendship and allow it to grow at its own pace...again, no expectations.
Think about it because I know you would like to give the relationship another shot and this just might be the way to do so.
Hi Job,
Yes, you have told me more then once that I need to be patient and just be friends with 0 expectations. It is very hard for me. But since this time, with this R, I have been unable to just let go, I think that it is the only road to walk. Besides, it will make things better for my sons.
The one thing that I am grasping a little better now is that we are divorced now for over a year and we have our separation 2nd anniversary coming up on Halloween. Creepy ah !
More and more I have been seeing that our M is totally over, there is nothing left on that R. Makes me sad? Yes, because I really had this feeling that M is forever, that we would be together for whatever situation, and it was not what happen.
I am in a way looking more into my own self and my own life, I wish I had more freedom, but it is what it is for now. For a long time I was always living someone's else life, so it is a learning process to get back to my own self.
Well, like everything in life, changes are not easy and time is the medicine for all things.
Saw XH yesterday on my driveway, he was dropping off the boys. I said Hi, smiled and he was looking very, very tired. He asked if I was OK, and I said yes and comment that he looks tired. He said that he was really tired, but had fun with the boys. I said well, I better go, and said good night.
Later the boys said that he asked to hang with them on Saturday. It is not in his schedule, but I really don't care because my boys are all big teenagers and if they want to be with their dad, then it is up to them. I am just seeing this change lately, that more and more he wants to spend time with them, and invite himself to the house.
Oh well, again as Job said, no expectations. Besides, I have a lot to do on Saturday. I will be busy and in and out of the house the whole day.
Thank you so much Job, I know you are right. I still have a hard time dealing with my pain. It is now buried inside, but I know it is still there. I wish so much that both of us could see some light and make our family whole again. This is a very big wound inside my heart... but the only thing I can do is to face reality.
Love,
Pink
Pink,
Try to remember that any relationship you have w/your xh now is going to be a new one. The old relationship/marriage are gone/dead. This is going to be new territory for the both of you because you both have changed a lot in the last year or so.
Take it one step at a time and try to keep those expectations very, very low for now.
Hang in there!
Pink I'm nowhere near as far as you in my journey, but I understand how you feel. I know in my heart that the relationship I had my my H is over. Well and truly over. I would not want to go back to it. But I cannot stop grieving the future I had dreamt for the two of us for our family. And I don't want to "move on", even if there is no future, getting married was for life for me, so I have loads of issues to deal with before contemplating moving on.
Take care sweetie xxx
Hi Pink,
So one think jumped out at me (and it's 5am here so forgive me if it was in your next post) ... a friend of mine wrote a book about her experiences in Peru with shamans. One line especially came to mind:"The shaman knows that if he is not living his dream then he is living someone else's."
So, my feeling is to live your dream. you know what i mean? when i first read that i realized that this mlc is my husband's dream - the false notion that he will go out and grab the gusto of life that he was missing by being married. it's his dream, freedom, no responsibility except to have our s every other week. no home to be responsible for. just him, his $ and his motorcycle. living his dream is actually a nightmare to me.
my dream is different. my dream is to spend my life with a true partner, one who loves me as much as i love him. one who wants to share his life with me. someone with a grateful heart who knows that love is a gift and tries hard not to take it for granted.
so i'm now trying to live my dream by being that person to myself.
i don't know if this makes any sense to anyone else or helps you in any way, but i hope it does. i guess what i'm trying to say dear Pink is what is YOUR dream? make sure you are living your dream xoxoxo
Pink, the exact quotation is this: " The shaman understands that if you are not dreaming your own world, you are living someone else's dream."
Dream your world, my friend xoxoxoxo {{{ hugs }}}
You said: "All the time that I get closer to him things go really well, we get along well. But then I have these demons in my mind saying that he does not care about me, don't think about me, do not want me anymore in his life. That he loves someone else and won't be attracted to me ever again. Then I put distance. "
Don't let the demons win. Take XH in your arms and see what happens. That's the risk that's worth taking.
Updating: So many things have happen...
Well, the story is very long and I can write a book here, but I will try to put it as short as I can.
XH has been present in my life in a very consistent way. We are friendly to each other. He comes to pick up the boys and normally comes inside the house, if I am there then we always chat.
The only time he was a little upset and decided to wait outside was because I said I was going to the mountains on Friday and coming back on Saturday. He made some big deal because he said he would like if I could change the weekend and go when he was in town. I just said to him that my kids are old enough to stay by themselves and I would go anyway.
We still go to the same church and we see each other there too. He is always very kind and very polite. I feel like I am this very expensive crystal sometimes.
On Halloween it was exactly 2 years mark that XH left the house. A lady from the church invited everyone to have dinner and vigil at her house. I went and later XH joined the group.
He got there very smiley and sat beside me at the table. Later, the lady asked if anyone would like coffee and when I was standing up, he said he would prepare my coffee because he is the only one that knows how I like it.
At some point, a lady that is friends with both of us, walked to us and started talking about XH and me. It was painful, so I excused myself and went to the restroom, when I came back there they were talking, waiting for me to join the conversation.
Things got really heated up:
Lady: Why are you too doing this to yourself? Why you two can't see what is very obvious to us all. We see that you two care for each other, love each other, but in the same time you are not working hard in your M.
Pink: Well, things are the way they are and XH divorced me for a reason. Besides, it is his right to rebuild his life.
XH: I love her and she knows it.
And some more lines around the same subject. At this point every single adult were sitting right in front of us two. We were in the light spot and everyone was trying to help out.
Then another lady said: XH and Pink, you two need to work hard to recover something that actually never ended. You two have a beautiful family and we all can see how much you love each other.
Then she asked me: Pink, do you love XH?
Pink: Yes I do, and I do not love anyone like I love him. I also for forgiveness since I know how much I did during our marriage. I also said that I feel this way but respect if he wants to follow his own path.
Lady: XH do you love Pink?
XH: I do, and I love her a lot, and I have been saying this to her for a long time but she does not believe me.
Lady: Could you look into Pink's eye and say that?
XH turned to me and said looking into my yes, said that he loves me and that he won't ever find a woman like me, that he loves me with all his heart.
We hugged for awhile, crying like babies and saying that we need to be better for each other and talk more and give ourselves a chance and blah, blah, blah.
So, you think that this is some kind of miracle reconciliation? I guess it is not.
Next day he called and left a message asking me to call him. The message was warm and cute, he said that he would rather hear my voice but he understood that I was in class and would maybe to text him.
I called and he was very nice, we have a good talk about many things but no R talk.
The next day I called him at night to tell him about something from the church and then said I was going to let him go because was getting late. XH asked if I could talk to him a little longer and I did.
Saturday, we attended a wedding (same). I dressed myself up and was looking pretty good. XH saw me at the party and came to say hi, I said hi but was still finishing with some fruits. Then XH comes later to say hi again but in this moment our pastor called him and said they needed to go to another wedding because there was some emergency.
I got really upset but couldn't do nothing. Finally I decided to go home and in this same minute XH was getting back from the other wedding. I just said goodbye and left.
XH comes to the house to pick up some dry cleaning that I picked up earlier. At some point I said:
Pink: I was very upset at that wedding today.
XH : Why, you didn't like the ceremony?
Pink: No, I like that. I just didn't like that you were not there. That for many years I didn't dress up for him specifically.
XH: Pink you look gorgeous, I didn't say anything when I met you at the party because sometimes I don't know if I am doing something good and you will be glad with it or if is all the contrary.
Pink: Thank you, I really appreciate it.
Then we started talking, but this time some R talking come out.
XH said all that again, that he loves me and even said that he does not loves me just because I am the mother of his kids but the woman.
He also said that he is a broken man and that he still have wounds from his last two R, with you and with that woman from France (he said like this).
He said that he feels like he has been inside a big fog where he couldn't see the right direction, but lately he has been feeling that the veil is coming out of his eyes.
XH also told me that he is meeting people. That a couple of weeks ago he had a coffee date with some lady. He said that the lady was very sweetie, that she was a nice person, that he felt that she would like to see him again but it ended up that he didn't feel anything.
At this moment I got upset but tried to maintain my composure, and then I said some stupid like the best thing is just to let go and move away sometime after S16 is done with high school.
Then he kneeled and said that I did not listen a word he said. I said I didn't get what he was trying to say and asked if he could explain to me.
XH Said: Pink, I think that we are moving in the right direction. I asked God what I need to do that is right for us and the only thing I hear is that I need to be your friend and whatever will be will need to start from this friendship.
Then XH said that he can't ask me to wait for him. But he feels that he is not ready to get into a R right now, but that he thinks that if we give ourselves a chance then things can happen.
He said that he can't promise anything and he won't be in my way if I meet another man and decide to walk away from him, but that is not what he wants.
So, we have been talking a lot more. S22 told me that I need to stop being snobby and just assume that XH loves me and he just need some time. That I need to be his friend and be in his life because he does not wants me away from him.
Every step of the way I get confused. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can just step forward and sometimes remind him that I am around. I say that because XH is traveling again and he feels really good when I call or text him.
But I don't know how much is too much, and how one knows when it is time to engage a little more. By other hand, I know he is dating if that shows up for him.
It is all so messed up in my head that I feel like giving up on it all. I am very tired and weary.
But the biggest thing for me is that I don't know how to be his friend. I just don't get that we need to be this great friends and just be. I guess I am still hurt and I have a lot of fear.
I am much better at detachment though.
If anyone have any idea of what could help us during this time, I would appreciate. Like, how to behave when XH comes to my house, just be smile face and talk to him. I don't want to be fake either.
Well, if nothing, I hope my words will help someone that will be feeling like me in the future.
I need to go,
Love ya all
Pink
I asked if he is in love with someone else and he said that no.
He said that he
Hey Pink, I'm a relatively new her and have caught up some on your sitch.
I hope you don't mind me chiming in here but wow! That exchange you had at the house of the lady from church brought tears to my eyes and then when he knelt down in front of you and opened up to what he wants just made my heart swell...
You sound so afraid and justifiably cautious. When the person who holds your heart decides to squash it under foot trusting them again will not be easy. But imho you maybe need to make a decision now as to whether you want to take that risk with him again.
He is making all the right noises about the fog lifting so maybe being his friend for a bit will enable you to see some action from him that he is truly remorseful and wants to work towards a new relationship with you again. I think NYGal was right when she said you just need to take a chance but you are now at that stage we are all told about at the beginning. The choice is now yours as to whether you take him back or not.
Good luck Pink. Your sitch really gives me hope...
Hi Pink, good to hear from you. From all that you post, there are clearly some strong bonds between you and your XH...apart from that, two things stand out for me:
He says he is a broken man and he wants to be friends (ie: not in a R just now.)
So, is he taking some constructive steps to address the brokenness? I don't think you need to make a choice about 'taking him back' at this stage. From all that you posted, that sounds like a much longer term thing.
To me, the only choice for now is - do I allow some room in my life for his friendship, and for him to have a little more involvement in my life?
I wouldn't make any sudden moves and I would continue on with your own plans. And if you choose to spend time with him, maintain some friendship boundaries for the time being....and maintain low expectations. Only time will tell how this will unfold and (given all circumstances) I think consistency over time and forward progress are the key things.
Good luck with everything Sweetie xx
What I read there was about a man who loves you very much, but doesn't love himself very much and is working on that.
How should you act? I agree with your S22. Snobby isn't the word I would use though, lol.
You should act like YOU. There should be no acting. The harndess you portray towards him is self-protection. But I think it's kind of forced. Try to just not force being so hard with him. Concentrate on being you and how you truly feel.
Can I tell you after over 8 years, I still put up hardness when talking to my ex. I act so unnaturally around him for some sort for some sort of protection. And I am completely over him. I just don't want him "in" at all. But I am aware of how weird I act.
Take it slow. I know you kind of want all or nothing right now because the process is so draining. But I would certainly keep your eye on the prize.
Pink,
Reconciliation is the hardest part of the journey for both of you. You both have changed and grown. You and your xh need to take things very slowly here. Start out as friends and work up to being more than that. Don't rush the process or one of you may walk away and detach even more. It's going to be a one step forward, two steps back for a while. He needs to learn how to live in his own skin and right now...he's fragile. Allow him to come to you and above all else...keep those expectations at zero. You can't go back to the old marriage/relationship because it's dead. A new one needs to blossom and hopefully when it's in full bloom, the two of you can reconcile and move forward w/your lives as a couple.
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