Is there any point really? - DivorceBusting.com

Hi, I posted my situation on the newcomers board but hoped for some advice here. My h and I had been together nearly 20 years. Married nearly 13 with s 10 and 7. I can appreciate in hindsight we were in a bit of a rut for a month or 2 but never expected this.

He came back from a funeral in March and obviously started withdrawin. Then in May says I'm unhappy I don't love you anymore. We don't talk, we don't do anything etc. Only 10 weeks previously he'd given me a card saying how he loved me more every single year.!!

There proceeded 3 months of hell. I shouted at him lots, he looked miserable constantly. Finally he said he wanted to separate mid August saying he was sick of the arguments. In 20 years we hardly ever argued!!

I kicked him out next morning.
He rented a flat 40 minutes away.

In October kids come back from visiting him and mention a woman. He denies anything saying she is a work colleague.

Next day I look through his phone bill....same number being texted and rung since at least April. And this flat he'd rented was 3 mins from this work colleague.

He denied any wrong doing to my mum even when confronted with talking to someone else behind my back. Just a work colleague he says.

November I ring ow, leave message saying what is going on between her and my h. H rings next day asking why I'm ringing his work colleagues what I. Trying to find out.

H had kids so I rang kids that evening spoke to h and we had a row. H later txt so to say it is a shame I can't talk sensibly about his elation ships and he is going to talk to the kids.

Next day kids have to tell me that daddy has developed strong emotional feelings for a work colleague and he is seeing her. H argument is he tried to tell me the previous evening but I shouted !!!!!

Move forward to January he has moved in with her. H came over Tuesday and he acts as if we should all be amicable, for the kids!! Is this Mlc....should I even bother with divorce busting? He's moved I. With the (�)()&(?�))�). ,! This is what his dad did to him. Help

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

HI

Sorry YOu find yourself here

Yes it does sound very typical MLC

How old is your H?

Either way, the solution is really all the same

amlicable is good--for the kids
better to not poison to kids against him..
the MLCer will choose the OW over his kids and his family of origin

Seek A lawyer for professional advice and protect your credit cards and accounts asap
Detach from H ..He may be having another relationship, but you do not have to become friendly with him and OW..or approve go their choice
It is all business at this point..friendly to a degree for the kids

IT is a choice and their are a few as to how to DB
some LBS go dark..little contact
some remain friendly and neutral to MLCer choices

few have any contact with OW

Mia,
Is there any point?
I don't know, only you can decide that.
MLC is not for the weak, it's a tough and grueling journey for the LBS and the MLC'er.
The very best thing you can do for yourself is to work on yourself. Keep busy and try hard not to think about him.
Easier said than done, I know

Hi Sorry your here. I think the toughest thing to grasp is that your H is gone In his head its over and he's now living his life for him.

You must do the same and live your life for you. You cannot control him or his actions.

Have you read the DB and DR books. ? Follow the advice on Cadets thread and it will give you an insight to Hs behaviour

Your question of if its worth it or not is entirely up to you. If H is in MLC then your looking at years rather than months and again it's your choice if it's worth it

Stay strong and work on you. Take care. Rd

You've been given some very good advice by the other posters. However, I do want to point out that the divorce busting techniques are for you. The techniques are to help you w/detachment and learn how to communicate and interact w/others, not just your runaway spouse.

Is it worth fighting for your marriage or not? Well, that's really up to you and others have pointed out...this is not a sprint but a very long marathon that can take many, many years to resolve. Some will resolve their childhood issues and wake up and others will remain stuck...but that's something we can't predict as that is a long ways down the road.

So, for now, keep the focus on you. Pick up a pencil and pad and start jotting down those hobbies and to do's that you've put on the back burner for many years and start thinking about doing them. You've been given the gift of time to learn how to live again, explore new avenues and yes, to also work on those things that you know that you need to improve on for yourself. Just remember, any changes that you make, must become permanent and you can't make those changes just to try to win him back. He will test you to see if the changes you've made are permanent or not.

Keep the focus on you and dig deep for patience.

I am so low sorry. He came over Tuesday so we could discuss child access now he was living with ow. He said he would ensure that her and d were out of the house when i dropped the boys. I agreed. Then I found last night when they came home that the two were in the garden not out of the house!! He promised he would not put a to in the room our eldest will sleep in...we always were against it and I find. This morning he has done it. I know these seem small things but it is driving me made his lies. What can I do when it affects the kids ?

To answer. Previous question he is 44

Hi

I know how hard it is, especially with kids

He is 44, prime MLC age

The OW has a D?

your sons are old enough to talk and tell you if everything is ok, so I would just keep a sharp on on them

The MLC father becomes like a disneyland dad
Mine spoiled my kids with constant spending and when they were together it was dinner, arcades and drop off or more video
There is not much you can do except keep watch and take care of yourself

You can try to reason with H about certain activities for kids
H will lie constantly- normal MLC behavior
He may be more apt to work with you if you are validating and kind about his
choices
and if you can approach him with a soft rational tone of voice

hang in

Hi all, I've started to keep a journal, my counsellor said it may help and to be honest I have found it cathartic. I hope you don't mind me sharing and that it's a bit long.

It has been 6 months since you walked out on me no the kids and let's be honest it wasn't just 3 months of hell you put me through previously but at least another 6 weeks prior to that.

You were miserable, critical, snappy. I can take my faults. Yes our sex life wasn't as great in recent months but I did try to talk to you about it. Yes I may have taken you for granted - don't we all. But fault lies on both sides. I knew something was bothering you but no I never expected this. You should have talked to me. I deserved that. Not wallowing for weeks - then I'm so unhappy - then I don't love you anymore. What the Hell !! After nearly 20 years together.

I think about what I have achieved over the last 6 months- all of which I never thought I would.

I've paid the mortgage
I've paid all the bills
I've functioned at work
Our kids are settled at school
They are secure with me !
,

All of the above is because of me ...your wife. Whatever faults I had in my marriage I deserved the chance to be told in order to rectify. - not treated like I was. I was your best friend, your confidante, mother of your children - I deserved better not lie after lie.

Ultimately this is not my fault!! I didn't know. A failure on my part that I didn't notice but I have to accept that.

But I didn't confide in another man about MY unhappiness, I didn't walk out on my family, I didn't start seeing someone else within weeks and I didn't move in with someone else!! None of that is my doing.

I have my home, my kids home, our beautiful kids. I will always have their love and respect. What have you got. Living away from your kids, potential loss of their respect, living in rented accommodation, with another mans child, with a woman who will never know you or have loved you like we did.

I hold my head up high. I had my faults but I didn't destroy a happy family. You both did. Happiness is subjective. Happiness without my kids love and respect is half hearted, false and temporary.

I didn't lose the love of my husband. I lost the love of a coward and a liar. More importantly you lost me.

Yes I accept I did shout at you...something you constantly bring up as the reason you left. Rubbish. I was scared, I'll, frustrated, hurt.

But I should be proud. Although my worst fear came true I have carried on.

The ow may have you but she has not got my h, she has the shell of a man who has to live with what he is done. They don't deserve my scorn and sadness. They deserve my pity.

You lost a good woman. What have you gained. I am unsure but I know it isn't a patch of what you threw away.

If you got to the end thanks for reading

,!

It seems like you got a lot out
and yes your H has given up a lot

and it is not your fault
you could not have prevented his MLC
you are doing all the right things and your kids will see and know that
they will grow up strong knowing how to face challenges in their lives

It will get better soon
days pass very fast
and this is a time of changing healing and growing for the LBS
For some of us, the biggest challenge thus far

I'm so sick of the lack of sleep.

Thing is he hasn't just moved in with this woman they have jointly rented together. Is this mid life crisis or just plain fun led he wanted to call it a day.
All I do is go round what I did wrong in my head at 4 am. Lack of sex, a bit irritable with him ( I was going thrthrough ugh a tough time at work...he knew that) . I go mad thinking about when it all started with her his development of ' strong emotional feelings' . You know I don't know if I really want him back as such more really sad at what I've lost. 19 and half years of brilliant ( even he admitted that in counselling) how could it all unravel so quickly.

Hi Mia, sorry to read about your sitch.

I received some good advice in my thread about forgetting about w's OM. I probably never completely will be able to but ive just started to and I feel like I'm finally starting to get myself back together. I know it's hard but try not to think about your h and work on yourself for yourself. Take care, it will get better.

It's hard, I think I'm getting better with not dwelling on it so much. My h is a complete idiot, no doubt. Never thought he could turn into such a selfish pollock. The nfortunately at 4 am when I wake up I can't stop thinking of ow. Is she prettier, more attentive, better cook etc. Well she must be better he chose her over me and the kids

Mia,
If your h is in MLC, he most likely will "affair down". That means the ow doesn't necessarily have to prettier, etc. She is most likely going to be just an ordinary person. A person who sees a man that is confused and will take advantage of that. She will be someone who is on the same level that he is right now while in crisis. She may very well be the exact opposite of you. Your h may have cried the blues to her and she listened and encouraged him w/his dreams of fantasy right now...but that doesn't mean she's better by a long shot. She could be someone who loves to party, drink, gamble, etc....but please never compare yourself to her. She is nothing more than a band aid right now to your h's crisis.

If your h is in crisis, he's going to make a lot of decisions that aren't rational to you. He's going to make a lot of mistakes and yes, he's going to experiment and try different things along the way, but that doesn't mean they are the right ones...but he has to do this stuff in order to go back and visit his childhood. These things are the ones that he thinks he missed out on and now needs to do in order to finally grow up. He didn't choose to have a crisis, but he did have a choice when it came to hooking up w/someone...but again, their brains are scrambled for a long time and they are operating on pure emotions during the crisis.

Again, do not for one minute think the ow is better than you. After all you and your children are the jewels in the family's tiara. You are the prize and never forget that.

Thanks, the irony is he was very affected by his parents split. His mother left his dad when he was 13 she said her h was a crap husband and crap father and she suspected him and f having an affair although that was not why she left. Then she moved out and Tom the 2 younger kids with her. My h stayed with his dada and he always rcalls his dad moving his now stepmother and stepbrother into the family home the next day. See a similar pattern here. This all seems to have kicked off after a another rejection in March from his dad after a funeral. Is it Mlc. Is there any chance he will come round?

Hi Mia,

I completely understand the 4am wake-up calls about ow because I've been there, done that! It can drive you mad. You have to find the strength to let it go. Trust me, I know how hard that is to do.

I came across a posting Job made on another thread some time ago that helped me deal with OW (I printed it and read it often, especially when thoughts about her were invading my mind):

"The op provides the following to mlcers: flattery, attention, easy sex, admiration without accomplishment, shallow attachment, infatuation, fantasy, and centrality.

Real love is a lot of work and they don't want to work on anything during the crisis. They want fun and be able to do whatever they want when they want and that's why the op is so very easy for them because true love is not a part of the scenario. As I have mentioned before, they are roommates and f@ck buddies only."

I hope Job's wise words help you deal. They helped me.

2T

Thank you, wish I could find the original post. It sounds like wise words. I'll keep it in mind. Btw how do You add a signature?

That quote was posted in a thread by a poster named Raine. If you do an advanced search and go back about 3 years, you'll find it. She was a success story and very inspirational!

To add a signature, go to My Stuff, EditProfile. You'll find it there.

Mia,
Here is Raine's original/first thread. My quote is in this thread.

Completely heartbroken by husband's MLC

Mia,
From what you've described it could very well be a MLC. To answer your question about if there is any chance he'll come around...there is always a chance, i.e., 50/50...but no one knows what will happen in the days, months and years from now. If your h is in MLC, he doesn't have the answer to that right now because he's very early into his crisis. Until he's fully baked in the MLC oven and returned to reality, the answer is still out. You can have hope, but do not put your life on hold. Continue to do things for yourself and for now, plan things that only involve you and your family. In other words, live your life as if he may not return. I'm not trying to upset you, but the reality is...they go off the rails and some do return and some don't. Until he finishes his crisis, you and your family have to continue moving forward as life doesn't stop while they are in crisis. Yes, you can leave the door ajar, but again, it's a 50/50 chance that he may return. I pray for each and every poster that their spouses will return, but no one knows what the future will hold.

For now, try to keep the focus on you and your family. I know that this is difficult, but you've got to look out for yourself now and can't rely on him for anything.

I remember wondering if the OW was prettier, and better than me too

she was 14 years younger

I never met her but in the few picture I saw recently she is kind of creepy

I like what Job said
they pick a affair partner who is at their level right now in crises
so anyone they picks has got to be nuts

as for my XH ow(now Wife) I hear she controls him and his sitters will not talk to him while or let him over with her

meant sisters