Hello my friends,
I have been very busy, actually tired with so much on my plate these days.
Reporting:
1.My Divorce support group is going well. It's a mix of feelings for me because it is almost a 100% directing you to built a new life and let go on the life you knew.
I understand the principle, I think I am just being pretty stubborn not accepting that it was and won't ever be.
Hope is dissolving as foam, and I find it difficult to just let go. The group is very supportive and I am learning a lot to believe it will be better tomorrow, even walking alone.
2.S21 is still dealing with doctors appointments and tests. Sometimes it just feel like the doctors don't have a clue of how to help him. I am keeping my support and love, but it wears me out.
3.S18 is in lazy mode and needs to be in crunch time mode, so lots of work on that teen. Last months of high school, preparing to enter college, driving stuff, scholarships letters, instrument rehearsal, you name it.
4.S15 is all American football. Tough guy kind stuff. Doing great in school. Still runs to my bed some nights, says that he can't sleep well.
5.Doing taxes. Can't believe that the government says I make too much money and will probably need to pay some back to them. Really? Who determines the amount of money that is enough to live these days. Do they ever buy anything in the supermarket.
6.BIL called. Wanted to talk to me and hear my side of the story. I was kind of caution, I don't really get why at this point in time he wants to know about it.
First question: Do you have a boyfriend? Someone in your life right now? I was vague, said that I do not have any serious relationship and do not want anyone too close to me right now. I said that I go out, have some fun.
He also told me that he wanted to talk to me first because his brother is trying to talk to him, whatever that means. Said that he believes his brother is very confused, that he is having a very hard time in his life, that his past is haunting him more then ever.
He thinks that XH is in MLC, what surprises me that he knows so much about it. He said that he believes that when he got sick with 2 cancers and almost died (had 5 surgeries) that coincidentally XH got himself into this mess.
XH told him that he finds out now that he was in desperation mode and felt like life would end next day, that he lost his father and was losing his older brother.
He asked me if I would take XH back and I said that I would if we could work on some issues from our individual life. But that was some thin hope because I believe that XH made his mind and is not turning back.
BIL said that he doesn't want to give me false hope but he wouldn't be surprise if XH would like another chance because he still loves me very much. That his A was some disaster and he does not care for that woman. He said that XH thinks I would never give him another chance because he did hurt me a lot.
I told BIL that in a marriage there is always mistakes from both partners and sometimes it is just impossible to blame one or the other, two people make wrong decisions and react to what is going on at that moment.
At some moment I also mention that XH stuff is still in my garage and that I think it is unfair that he just ignore my request for him to take it away. That it is not easy to just see this every day. BIL said that why it is so hard for me to understand that this is the last connection that XH has to the house, to the family, to me. That if he takes it away then he will be really gone. He said that it is not fair for me, but it is the way his brain thinks.
The conversation was good, I did say how unfair it was that XH did not give a chance for our family, that love was not strong and that I tough he valued our vows some more that he did.
We will see, some of my girl friends say that he was checking since XH does not have any direct way to ask me some of those questions. I don't know. I know they are very good friends, very close. I guess these days I just don't want to think much about it.
Regarding XH, I always say that I don't get it and I think it is better to leave it to MLC effect.
I get one or two texts every single day. Always bananas, nothing really important. But I get that he uses this to be present. And somehow his technique is working. I need to think he is alive every time I get some crazy text.
Some like: I have a bad cold and can't take the kids to and from school today. (next day he does not have any cold, huh?)
Yesterday he picks up the kids from school and then text me: I am having lunch @ Red Robin. W/S18 and S15.
(I am working and do not need to know).
This morning: Can you please help me to find by favorite brown belt that I think I left among the kids snowboarding stuff?
It's every day something to text about. It's insane.
I do not answer anymore. Most stuff just go by. I feel sad with all this, but I understand I can't control him and that is where he is at the moment.
But I confess that my hope is very thin and I find myself with none sometimes. I am getting to that stage in this process that I think that eventually he will find someone else around here. I don't know, but he won't be alone for long.
Me - I am going to a meditation session today, from 5-6pm. Asked XH to take S18 to guitar lesson and get some dinner for the boys.
Friday will meet some friends for a happy hour and then go to a samba party and dance, dance and dance.
Have a lot of work this week. It's just insane how many people lose their limbs.
I feel really good I could help Rednail a bit. I wish I could help others but my time is really limited. I guess if I stick around I will have some more time in the future.
Had the chance to cry together with NYGal last sunday. It was nice to share some low time with someone that understands me.
Have been a bad friend to RD500 and Sotto and they know what I mean with that. Will chat soon guys!
Hope everyone is doing well, I am looking forward of what is in the horizon. I think it is time to move on and let go on the past. Starting looking over the pain and I feel I need to change direction. Baby steps on that too. Just baby steps so I don't hurt myself in the process.
Love you all and hope everyone is trying to do their best.
Pink
Pink,
I'm glad you came back and posted an update. I'm glad the Divorce Support Group is going well. Sometimes we need to have people in our lives to talk to about our situations. It takes time to let go, so please be patient w/yourself.
I'm sorry that your S21 is still having health issues. I do hope that they can figure out what is wrong and help him. As for your S18, he's probably dealing w/the winter blahs right now. He'll get himself in gear and get the necessary work done, but you'll need to remind him that time is getting short. Sometimes kids think they have all the time in the world, but gosh, time does fly quickly.
S15 sounds like he is really doing well. Sounds like he's got a lot on him mind if he's not sleeping well. Has he stated what he's worrying about?
Taxes, well...that's a sore subject w/a lot of us. You might want to consider changing the number of deductions you have. I claim 0 and I do have a little bit more taken out of my salary so that I don't have to pay at the end of the year.
Now about the BIL, I would be very cautious about what you tell him. I hate to say this, but is it possible that your h put him up to asking you all of those questions? I can't imagine a BIL questioning someone about if they have someone in their life or getting into your business. He really does need to stay out of this because it's this business is between you and your xh.
I do understand you wanting your xh to pick up the rest of his stuff. If it's really bugging you, give him a deadline to do so and advise him that if it's not picked up by a certain date, you'll either have a yard sale or have Goodwill come by and get the stuff. If you reconcile, he can move it back home. If he has no place to store it, there are storage facilities that he can rent by the month.
I had to laugh at all of the excuses he has used to stay in touch w/you. I notice that they are always about him. Poor boy, he needs mommy's help. Funny, why hasn't he needed that brown belt before now? LOL! Yes, Pink, he wants to be front in center in your mind and he's doing a good job of it.
He's got a lot of work to do on himself before he's a mature adult again (if ever). It's sad that it's taken this long for him to realize what he is losing, but he had choices and he made the wrong ones...now he has to figure out how to win you back and it's not by lip service or attention getting methods.
Pink, again, I caution you about your BIL...he's fishing big time. I would be sorely tempted to tell BIL the next time he comes fishing that your xh needs professional counseling to help him w/his issues and see where that leads to. If your xh goes for professional counseling, then you will know your BIL is running back to your h w/info that you've given him. Remember the old saying "a dog that brings a bone will carry one". Your BIL is "arfing" way too much.
I think you are doing a great job of taking care of you and your sons. Take care of yourself.
Hi Pink, you haven't been a bad friend at all - I understand the busyness - we all get that way sometimes. I think Job has already given some wise advice about BIL and I agree it's best to be cautious. Who knows if XH has put him up to it - but if he has, it feels a bit like asking your mate to ask that girl you like whether she might be interested.
Truly, I think he has a way to go yet. I also had to smile about the texts. Maybe you can do the same and shrug them off - carry on with your life.
I'm glad you are finding the divorce group helpful. We all let things go in our own time, and from what you post, you are getting there. I don't think letting go means letting go of a possible future - but I think it does mean accepting and releasing the past.
Sounds like you are doing well in all circumstances Sweetie.
Take care xx
Thanks Job and Sotto,
I have been a good girl, don't I? Well, amazing as it is, helping someone else has an giant impact on ourselves.
Have been amazed too with the fact that "Faith" is a very strong connection between XH and I. I will write some of our latest text exchanges related to it.
I asked my XH's help to get our S18 to his guitar lesson and get some food for the kids. He said he could and wrote this too:
2/10 - "I am going to my church every week now. It feels right" - and he added a smiley face with a big smile.
Later same day - Me - I am very happy for you. From the bottom of my heart I am. I am sad that at some point we were weak and did let the demons to destroy our family. But, I am happy that we have God in our lives now. He has a plan for us all.
If you don't mind, I would like to visit the church one of these days. The probably have more then one service, so I can go when you won't be there.
Congratulations!!! It's awesome.
Today at 9:35am I got:
XH - I do not mind and kind of knew you might want to see for yourself. It is a very small congregation. Weeknights could be 5 -10 people total, including their children. I have not yet been to their Sunday service, although I plan to go this Sunday. I usually go on Tuesday.
I did not answer. First because my first reaction was to think he gave me all this schedule so I do not go when he is there. Then I stop and tough that if he does not want me there, why is he even mentioning this to me. So I decide to wait.
Then on 11:57am he wrote:
XH - the name and address of the church
name of the pastors
The schedule for their services on Tuesday, Thursday and sunday.
I did not answer or say anything yet.
For all you believers out there, I know you understand why I am in shock. I can't even start believing that the strongest connection we share is yet our faith.
I really don't know what to say. I was thinking about thanking him for the info and letting him know that he does not need to worry and that I will make sure to go to a service that he won't be there. That I would like to check it out but I respect his privacy. But then I tough, why I am taking that direction when he gave it all on a silver plate?
Is this his way of saying: Would you like to come with me?
I don't want to read too much into this, and he is just being polite about this.
But I don't want to miss it that he is doing what I always asked him and he knows I will be proud of him.
I will wait for your ideas. Maybe someone outside my sitch can see things a little more clear then I do.
I just want you to know that either way I feel so happy. You can't image how much it means to me. It gives me hope that the Lord is still working on my behalf.
Love,
Pink
I would thank him for the info and if you want to go, then you go on your own. If he doesn't come out and ask you about going w/him, you can't assume that's what he is hinting at. Make plans to visit the church whenever you like. He was just telling you when he went just in case you might go when he's there or if you prefer not to attend on Tuesdays.
Try not to over analyze his texts right now. Some of them tend to be vague and until he's very open and tells you what he wants...then I would do those things on my own.
Agreed sweet Job ^^^^
And there I recognize the "Rejection" conflict coming through my soul.
I was actually more inclined to think that he was telling me the times he will be there so I wouldn't show up. Kind of, save him from my presence.
I have been working hard on that. I always scape from whatever is not very open saying, come Pink you are welcome here, we want you here. Literally.
I am being more careful with this and not just checking out before I even check in. I guess when I finish my divorce group I will benefit from some therapy on this area: Rejection.
I agree with you, maybe just go without any expectations, just go because... maybe go Thursday since he never mention he would be there.
Thanks Job, you opinion always makes me think.
Love to you gorgeous,
Pink
Hi Anjo. I don't see this the way Job does. It seems to me he's giving you info re the church is huge He didn't have to offer any of that detailed info.
For me you need to pull back on the way you talk to him. There was no need for you to say you would go when he was not going to be there , if he was that worried about it he wouldn't have told you about the church at all.
Pink , you have control here , XH hurt you and your family and broke a trust and that is heart breaking BUT you still love the man , you have a shared history and you have 3 great kids IMHO you love XH very much so maybe it's ok to open the door a little , especially re the church side. This may be s path back together or maybe a path to co parenting well
Looking from the outside XH is realising his loss and MAYBE coming out of the fog.
Pink needs to search her soul and decide what's best for her and then go for it
My advice is to open the door to the church route. Your both strong believers and your faith is something that you share Start with this and take things slow.
Be very mindful of your words with XH , cut out he negative and just be Pink.
Job is right that XH has to make himself clear re his position but at the same time your not dealing with someone thinking 100% straight and he's not going to risk rejection either
Again , this is just my humble opinion but Pink has a lot more control than she thinks. I'm the last person on this earth who would see you get hurt again so I do urge caution and encourage you to take things very slowly but shutting the door completely may be something you regret one day
Take care. Rd xx
Hi sweet RD,
I understand what you are saying. But in the same time I do not understand how to go about it.
XH was always a talking in circles guy. He goes around and around to say something. Always been that way. I remember many times asking him to just say it. I have a hard time understanding what is the real purpose of all his texts and talking lately.
If I think about the negatives:
* XH feels guilty and ask forgiveness because it is a way to move on for real.
* Is still very confused about his life, his directions, what he wants next.
* Is still in contact with his A and is waiting to see what happens on that front.
* Having me as plan B because he is finding out the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
* Is really so detached from me that it does not matter to what he does or say.
* Is so detached that he just want to take me for his buddy friend.
If I think about the positives:
* XH is getting himself to a place that he realize he had a strong identity as a husband, a father, a provider, security, a family man and now he is just a man.
* He really does not have anything to do with OW and is alone.
* Does not hold much anger against me and is understanding that he has unhappy issues that needs to be dealt with inside himself (as he told me).
* He told me that now he can see I was very right asking him to share his life, to participate more. That he was a jerk and did not see what he was doing.
* He said that one thing he thinks all the time is what I said to him long ago: "That what hurts is that he never game me a chance, never gave us a chance". That it stayed with him and he thinks about it constantly.
* He is always in contact, one way or another, he is always making himself present.
* As RD said, he did not need to give any info at all, but yet he does.
* Sunday is Valentines Day and I just realize he told me he is going to church that day.
It seems to me that he is trying to show how he is improving, how he is doing good things.
I also understand that it is about him. Look at me kind of thing. I am doing the right thing. But he also told me he was very jealous every time I would talk about my admiration with my boss. That he felt I was having an EA with my boss.
Things got so twisted at some time that I went in one direction the way I understood things and he went to an opposite direction on his side of understanding. We fell apart and the s**t hit the fan.
Now, I am thinking to myself that all what I am doing is letting him know that the door is still open. Maybe I am not, because some of you say that I need to show him the door is still open.
I just don't get how I can do this. If I start approaching him, then it may be the reason he will run again. If I stay NC, or at least just text contact, then I may not be sending any signal that my door is open?
For sure I understand I can't just pretend that he wants to be back and start bombarding him with phone calls or asking to meet him. But I don't know what to do to be present. I learned how to be away from him and that is the way I am, very far from him physically. He very seldom sees me, almost never. I never initiate anything unless I need to ask him something about the kids.
That's why when BIL called, it really felt like fishing. There is a lot that XH does not have a clue about my life anymore.
I also told XH that I am planning to be out of state for the first weekend in march. I said nothing more, just that I need him to be around the kids. Maybe he is troubled with that.
I did everything in the book. Most of the time when XH sees me, I am looking good, I got some GAL and he saw me leaving and even said I looked very amazing. I do not initiate any contact, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no meetings, very seldom I ask for his help with the kids.
I guess in his eyes, he sees me very strong. He even said that to me. Little he knows!!!
I think I need everyone's help again. How to show that the door has a little crack. Of course I do not want to get hurt again, but it is time to gamble, poker face, or whatever.
Maybe if I get hurt again, then it will be easier to just say good bye for good. But I need to try so I can be free if I need to just let go.
So, my message to him was:
Hi XH! Thank you so much. I appreciate you taking the time to give me the info.
Again, I feel happy you are doing this for yourself. Something that has meaning and purpose. I don't know how to explain, it makes me happier then I haven't been feeling for a long time.
I know what you mean when you say you feel right because I feel that as well with my faith now.
Thank you for your kindness.
God bless you.
Not bad, polite, but really distant too. I can see that I basically close the door on the subject. Thanks for the info, C Ya!
Would you guys be kind enough to teach me a little more?
Thanks,
Pink
Pink,
Let me lay it out to you coming from a former MLCer.
Your XH wants you and wants to be back in your life. What's holding him back is a genuine fear of rejection from you.
In reading about text exchanges and interactions with XH, I the strong distinct impression that he is sincerely trying to clean up his mess and making amends even if not outright or directly to you. It's those actions that speaks volumes to me.
As we all say here, talk is cheap. XH is walking the talk.
If I were you, I would say, "Sounds wonderful and I am happy to hear that you really like this church. I'd love to join you on one of those days/nights if you would have me. Just let me know...I am fine either way."
XH is looking to you for cues. He is looking at you as his wingman. I think it's time for you to read up on Raine's threads. Just so you know, Raine's H had MLC and they are now happily reconciled. In fact, they had a DB baby last year!
You are right where Raine was when her H was uncertain about coming back home and he was afraid of being rejected. A lot of parallels right there. Raine did a bang on job of coaxing him and showing him the way back home.
Pink,
I would like for you to take some time to really think about what I am about to ask you. The question that I have is what would it take for your xh to prove himself worthy of your love and the possibility of reconciling at some point?
You can leave the door ajar and start out in baby steps such as meeting up at church or having a cup of coffee at the local café. You could go to some activities at your son's school and meet up there, i.e., just as friends. If you truly want this man back in your life, you need to start out small and go from there.
The one thing that I will caution you on is...don't take him back w/o him doing the necessary work to win you back. There have been a few that will open that door and allow them back and later on they are gone again. They attempted to sweep everything under the carpet and those dust bunnies came out to play and haunt them like elephants in the room. Both of you experienced a crisis, both of you have changed and at some point both of you will need to talk about what happened and how to mend things...again, this is further down the road and when the opportunity presents itself.
Sometimes, we have to take that old "leap of faith" to see where things go. For now, if you would like to work on that door being ajar, start out small w/no expectations. Look at him as a friend and go from there. Friendship is where it all began many years ago and since this will be a new relationship...so will the friendship. A good way to test the waters is to attend church on the day he's there and see how he reacts. If you prefer to sit elsewhere in the church, then so be it...but again, you've got to start somewhere w/baby steps if this is what you want.
We've all given you our thoughts...so sit quietly, think about all that we have posted and I can assure you, the answers will come. You are the only one that can decide what and how you want to proceed. No matter what happens, we are here for you.
Hi Pink, Job has already given wise advice as always. I would add to this and say - to me at this stage, door ajar looks like slightly longer convos that are on friendly and fairly casual terms.
One thing I noticed is that your convos can sometimes jump straight into difficult territory - like when he was saying he was unhappy and you asked 'why did you do this H?' To me, questions like that are difficult ones and best asked at a much later time. I think it is best to keep things at a much lower level and try to keep yourself relatively detached - listening, validating, talking about lighter stuff.
If he starts to get into some heavier stuff, listen and validate. And if he asks you questions you aren't ready to answer, let him know that you'll need some time to think about that etc.
But, small steps and no big decisions - much too early - coffee, church, little chat at the house etc, maybe a touch more texting etc, ask how he's doing etc. But friends and not romance okay?
JMHO Sweetie, and good luck with things xx
I agree w/Sotto in that your conversations have to stay or friendly and casual terms. What does that mean? It means that at this time you need to be careful in asking him why he did what he did because he's still not at the point that he can actually tell you. Relationship talks should be put on hold for a bit longer because he's not to the point where you can actually say he's done in the oven. I know you want answers now and you want him to be accountable, but he's not there yet.
Continue to listen and validate and if the conversations tend to stray into heavier stuff, then be honest and advise him that you need to think about his questions/comments for a while before providing answers.
Start out as friends and go from there. Romance at this time? No, it's not the right time. You both are still very vulnerable and you both need to learn to trust again. It's one step at a time to rebuild what has been torn apart.
Good luck!
Where is that edit button?
Correction to the first sentence:
"I agree/Sotto in that your conversations have to stay on friend and casual terms...."
Thanks Wonka, Job and Sotto,
You are all very wise and you can probably read in between my written lines that I would like to resolve everything at once.
It's me again. The one that does not learn "PATIENCE". I am a doer and always have an urge to solve stuff.
And that is why I ask advice from wise folks like you. I will think. One thing I know. I would like, if it is the case, that XH would be the one to really put the work to ask me more frequently for a coffee, for a walk or whatever.
But, I better take my sweet time to think about things. Had a tough day at work today. I don't get why all the hard issues are resolved on Friday here in America. My whole life I have hard Mondays, but here it is insane with this Friday problems.
Just got a text from H:
Hi Cira - Would it be OK to reschedule tonight's time with our sons, for next week? Maybe Wednesday nt?
Me - Hi XH - I don't think there is a problem. I made plans to go out today. Well, just let me know if you will be around, like close by, just in case they need some help for some reason. Wed is fine if they are OK with it.
XH - I will be local tonight, for any reason.
Me - OK. I will let them know. Have fun, enjoy yourself.
So here we go, I just feel like an idiot thinking about all this F S**t that he writes. Who am I kidding. He was done with me long before he even said that he did not love me anymore.
I need to think because now I feel bad. I just feel that I am a divorced bitter woman that is stuck on some bastard XH's memories. I feel so little right now. Like I have no respect for myself what so ever.
I just need it all go. I am almost living work and I will get ready for my Happy Hour and my Samba Party. Hopefully one of these days I can find some boyfriend and take myself from this nightmare.
I appreciate you guys input in all these and everyone is right. It takes time and time is something I do not have much, so maybe I need to look ahead and try my life somewhere else. Away from this hell.
Pink
Are you going to RB Happy Hour?
And now he just texted me that he can bring some food for the kids in case they want some.
So the idiot wants to show up at the house. I will leave it to the boys. They can even get their food themselves. We are talking about big guys here, and they have a car on their own now.
Just crazy, uhhhggggggg. Ok, calm down and put my Brazilian spirit in. Tha hell with all of this, I want to be free and dance and drink my beer today.
Nice Friday guys
Pink
I had to chuckle because he's really trying and he's in hot pursuit! What I find interesting is that your sons are old enough to answer the question about whether they want their father to bring them food or not.
If you opt to respond, you could always say, "xh, that's a nice offer to bring food, but I don't know if the boys are planning to fix something or go, but you might want to contact them directly and see if they would like for you to bring some food over".
Go out this evening and enjoy yourself. I'm going to just sit back and watch this dance of pursuit/distance continue on.
My thoughts in bil fishing for information is it's a put up job.
So unless you want to run your life and r thru your bil, I caution you stay away and run like hell from being drawn Into that sort of game.
My xh2 was running round questioning others and letting family make Inuits in to our r! It's a terrible place to be the third wheel.
I think you need to listen and say yes that's nice about church but not go as an invite. In fact I would just aim for a time he's not there really. Or this could end up him just keeping your mind in a limbo state.
Is he or isn't he? And this is how your thinking atm, read back.
Has he put bil up to ask for a r?
Is he asking you to church?
Do you think the ow had to think is he or isn't he asking me out? I doubt it.
Best to act cautious and see how things play out.
Hi Sweetie, it is tough and I want you to really think about what people are posting to you. For me, your peace, harmony and wellbeing are the central thing here. And I think you would need to be more detached in order to interact more with your XH.
The big thing to remember is that he will do what he will do. And if you are in a more detached place, it is possible for you to be with him and observe that without your life descending into mayhem. I don't think you are in that place just yet, because his contact with you is sending you into a spin (which I understand BTW....I know it's hard.)
"I just feel like an idiot thinking about all this F S**t that he writes. Who am I kidding. He was done with me long before he even said that he did not love me anymore.
I need to think because now I feel bad. I just feel that I am a divorced bitter woman that is stuck on some bastard XH's memories. I feel so little right now. Like I have no respect for myself what so ever.
I just need it all go...Hopefully one of these days I can find some boyfriend and take myself from this nightmare....It takes time and time is something I do not have much, so maybe I need to look ahead and try my life somewhere else. Away from this hell."
A couple of comments about what you write above - I think if he was 'done with you' he wouldn't be reaching out in the various ways as he is now. I'm not saying he wants to reconcile either - I think it's early days, but I don't think he is 'done with you.'
Feeling like a divorced and bitter woman focusing on your XH is something for you to think about and own. How you process and deal with what has happened and is happening is up to you, and probably your group (and IC?) can help with this. Having respect for yourself is so much more important than any R in your life. I think it is perfectly possible to respect yourself AND be in touch with your XH as as been suggested. But I think most of your focus should be in moving ahead, I think contact should be 'light' and 'friends' and I think you should be confident about drawing boundaries if you need to.
I understand what you're saying about a new boyfriend - but I don't think that would help at all!! Like many of us, I don't think you're ready for that. I think we all need to lift ourselves up out of any nightmare's and be able to manage our own R's (even if they are difficult ones as you are feeling yours is just now.) I don't think your XH is doing anything disrespectful or awful - I think he is doing some reaching out (and possibly he is still in a rather confused place) - but it doesn't seem unreasonable for you to have a tad more contact with him AS LONG as you can look after yourself in the process...
Have a good think about things and if the contact with him is a little too unsettling, you can gently withdraw or lovingly enforce boundaries (ie: contact the kids direct etc.)
Hope this helps, and I hope you enjoyed some great dancing xx
Pink-
86 pages! That is how many pages I have skimmed and read and have caught up on. 86!! To answer your question from my thread, nope no idea how to define your stitch just like we have no idea to define mine. It is interesting, Very very interesting and confusing.
Cira you are amazing! You are brazillian, I'm half honduran. We have that latin fire somewhere in us to be sassy strong amazing people.
How was happy hour and the samba party?
You always always help me, more then you know. Sadly I think my h and your xh could be best friends. The way they act and the way they can be are so similiar. It is probably why all my advice I get from you and follow helps me so much just for me and having to deal with him and the way he is.
I like everyones suggestions of small steps and trying to start off and be friends. It is horrible being patient isnt it.
Hi Pink,
Please take this with a grain of salt (and some lime, and maybe a tequila shot too
)
It seems to me that you are reacting to H rather than responding and honey it's causing you a lot of turmoil. I say this because I am reading your posts and see myself in your reactions and my H also) My DB coach has told me many times that my H and I constantly react to each other and things escalate from there in the direction I don't want to go in. That we need to stop reacting and a person in the throes of MLC isn't able to do this - it is up to the LBS to do that hard work and set the tone, and keep it even.
So -- my best advice is to stop, take a deep breath and go on an inward journey past all the sadness, past all the pain to that still place deep inside your heart ... once you are there take several more deep breaths and sit in the stillness and ask yourself what you really truly want, in life, from this relationship ... the answers will come to you. bring those answers back with you and write them down on a piece of paper. When you find yourself reacting, look at the paper and ask if what you are about to say or do is going to bring you closer to those goals.
Honey I am an incurable romantic so factor that in but I think this man wants you back and doesn't know how to fix the mess he's created. He for sure has work to do, but so do you because reacting isn't going to give you what you want. Responding will. We can only respond when we are detached.
(See Job, I do pay attention mwah :* )
I know you are afraid and don't want to be hurt again. I get it, believe me. But if you want him back, you at some point are going to have to risk being vulnerable. That doesn't mean you have to be completely open all at once. Baby steps, Pink ... go inward, find your answers there, bring them back with you and try to remember them in the thick of it. God will help you with patience and to be non-reactive. You only have to ask. You have many people who care about you and want to see you happy, me included xoxoxo
Hi Anjo. I hope you had a great time last night. You asked how you open the door a small bit.
IMHO you treat him like a good neighbour and don't be negative or say that things like " I'll be out when you come " or. "'I'll go when you aren't there "', things like this. You don't have to encourage him but you don't need to discourage him either.
I'm not suggesting you let yourself get hurt by rushing but the wild animal analogue comes to mind. Let him come to you but don't spook him with sudden movements or R talk that he's not ready for
just my humble opinion Anjo.
Take care. Rd. xxx
Pink
My thinking is that before you do anything else then Pink has the job of putting the memories of WH transgressions into her life story.
That is work.
Then to decide if TauC (OW) is really in the past for both Pink and WH.
Has WH truly let go of TauC? If this despicable French fancy returned would this be off and running again? This scuzzy is more than capable of attempting to set the hares running again, just for her amusement. It has always been my view this affair fog was linked to this particular specimen and his behaviour as a result of his infatuation. I have no doubt she is up to tricks elsewhere with another high fly husband because it boosts her ego. She will have a target no doubt, however she may try to recycle your WH.
Can you put this delightful pond scum in the past, put her memory where it truly belongs in the sluice bucket and flush it? Can you decide that this awful type of OW is a hot mess and of no import long term, only a symbol of this phase of your R.? In the short term nasty wormy OW is very damaging to M and long term a discard. This type really isn't a keeper and when the addiction wears off or the OW goes through devaluation and discard (or finds a better target) which guy would want an R? I believe this A was never headed for a long term R, it would spoil TauC fun in life.
Only Pink can decide this.
In the end it is the LBS that decides.
It is early days Pink, you have time on your side.
You are unsure and still love XWH. So be neutral, just warm. Leave the emotional door open and the physical one closed but unlocked when you decide it's appropriate.
If you move xWH stuff out of your home or force him then I think you send him a very clear go away message. If it were me I would have everything packed away for collection. When xWH asks for something say I packed your stuff in boxes, I suggest you collect your things and then you can look for it. XWH I think that is sensible so that your stuff is one place. I am spring cleaning and having a clear out and I want to be sure your stuff is safe. You can leave your fishing rods, tool kits, (inconsequential something) here if you like until you need them. You can buy a small shed to put that sort of stuff in and give h the lock.
The other thing I might do if I were Pink is get a second phone, transfer all your other calls to it and leave the old one only for XWH and the kids. Any texts about food etc to do with the boys forward it to them copy in XWH.
Otherwise Pink I know little of Reconciliation and Piecing, so you can take my views as just 2c worth.
I really want the best for my precious Pink and if that includes or excludes R, you have my best support.
V
Pink
You may get inspiration from this post
letting go of the damage Tx V
Hi my Lovely, dearest and best, best friends in my whole world...without you all I would be just a piece of junk right now... you give me strength, courage, empowerment, a desire to fight, tears on my face... you are all so much more in my life then you can ever grasp.
Thank you, thank you and thank you, my words can't even be close to the gratitude I feel from feeling the love you all spill on each word you write to me.
Last night:
It was amazing, I danced, danced and danced a little more. I pampered myself with a new skirt (lace the way I love), black, not too short, but kind of because the lace material. I also got myself a blouse, also black (well I still have my wild black side, some vampire spirit I always had). The blouse was tight in the under part and a flying transparent cover, gorgeous, had new earrings, new necklace. I was feeling good.
Met with my brazilian friends, many were there, and some had the hubbies, boyfriend. My Divorce support group was there too and I was back and forth in the two groups and dancing like a butterfly. Yes, I have the Samba on my feet and I am a very good dancer. Some people ask me how I learned to dance so well and I say "My dad thought me to dance with a broomstick and on top of his feet since I was very, very young".
Now, one thing that is a constant in my life is that I am always a "connection", people look up to what "Cira" is planning. I am busy as hell and everyone calls me and asked me what we will be doing.
Even my Divorce group is putting me in charge of things. I try to get myself out because it is really nice to just go with the flow, but this is always a constant in my life. Everyone looks up to my decision.
I guess it is because I am so free I am not afraid to decide. I am kind of an open book, I do not have too many secrets and I am very spontaneous. So I do what I want to do and that is it. I actually never looked at this so much as I am trying to understand my traits in life as I do now. Thinking about even my bosses ask me sometimes what is better to do in this or that situation, or they say that it is up to me and they will be ok with whatever I decide for them.
I guess doing this inward stuff is making me to find out someone I did not know well.
By, comments apart, I just want to say that I had a lot of fun. It was really enjoyable. Felt very loved as usual. I am thinking I should drop the victim card once for all in my life and just accept that people do love me because I am a lovable person period.
I am thinking about all what you guys said to me and there is a lot of good work for me to do.
I always take the sweet time to do the work you guys tell me and I will do that this weekend.
About the reaction: I realized that my crazy XH had me right were he wanted. I was literally jealous. Once he texted me that he would like to cancel the boys on friday night I was mad because I was jealous.
I tough, oh, so now he has a date and does not even respect me and wants to change schedule at the last minute. Yes, I reacted to that. And the idiot knows me very well. He knew I would be burning like a hot charcoal.
Did he do this to bother me? Maybe not, maybe he had a date or got together with some friends, who knows. It could be anything. I have two highways here. Or he is busy or he is really doing the MLC stuff and is trying to mess up with my mind. The food stuff I mention, I need to mention that he text me but he copied the kids too. So he is covering his steps, if I say he is bothering me with his text and he needs to contact the kids, then he will say that he copied them and they could answer.
So, I paid attention on that and asked the kids to decide what they want. They said: if he is busy and cancel his time with us, then we just cancel his around. Good enough for me, I was not in a mood to make things easy for him. So, nobody answered him, nobody contact him. We talked, I said I was a phone call away and would be checking my phone time to time, I asked them do not go to Denver, and not drink and drive. That we could al have fun and tell about our fun over and 12noon breakfast the next day.
And we did. Nothing bad happen, and I see I made the right decision to get another family car, now we have more freedom and we do not need to ask XH for help.
Well, I will go now and will reply each of you with my homework. I feel you guys gave some very important points to think about and I will.
Wonka, I did start reading "Raine's thread" and I feel I am reading my own story, it's crazy.
Love to you all and I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. If you are in the east, please keep yourself warm.
Pink
Hi Anjo. Night out sounds great. Vanillias post said it all You need to forgive H. Whether you get back with H or not (. I think the choice will be yours eventually ) you need move past what H did
It's clear to most of us he's in MLC and you need to accept this
it won't be easy but your an exceptional person and capable of doing anything
Relax back and let H do him This will be your choice in the end
Take care Rd xxx
YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPEN...
I am tired but I can't just wait to tell you all about my evening.
I had a hell weekend. Was very sick. I felt like just after my roll over accident. Then yesterday morning I woke up around 5am and couldn't put myself to sleep. Took a shower, got dressed and was ready for work when I tough that it was tuesday. The day that XH said they had the church service.
It was all so unreal. I had a super busy day at work. Did nothing besides working hard. It was about 5:30pm when I left the office and came home super fast.
When I got home I did not care much if the boys wanted something. I just told them to eat whatever because I had something to do.
I did not think too much. I just drove to that church. Had a hard time finding parking space (of course Boulder at 6:30pm). When I finally found parking it was almost 7pm.
I though it was not that good but it did not stop me. I went to the wrong church and was told that it was a block away on the other side of the street. Still I was not thinking much, I just walked there.
Strange as it is, I did not have any expectations, I was not anxious or nervous, I was just there, just being myself and yet I did not feel like being myself exactly.
I saw XH's car parked on the street in the way to the church and just did not feel a thing. Walked straight in and a lady gave me a big hug and said welcome in spanish.
I hugged back, saw that XH was there by himself. I did not walk straight at him, but towards him. I put my purse and coat on a chair and closed my eyes and prayed. There was a woman pastor preaching.
I was standing with my eyes shut and felt a hand on my shoulder. It was XH, he said that he was happy to see me and gave a hug. I said thank you.
He went back to his chair and I stayed in my chair. We did not sit together. I was on my own, I felt good with myself and did not really cared that he was there. I just prayed to God the whole time.
At the end, I put my coat on and was getting my purse when XH came and asked me to stay. He said that there was a girl's 18th birthday and they would have a cake and a short celebration. I said that I did not want to bother or put my nose on his business. He said that I wouldn't and he really would like for me to stay. That he was really happy that I was there.
I again did not think much. Did not have any expectation in my mind. It just happen.
We started talking, some people came to us and he introduced me first as "a friend", then when he spoke about our kids I told them I was his XW.
I was very welcome by everybody. Got lots of hugs. Now I just believe that I am very charismatic because people just like me because...
Xh told me about his ordeal with the church. What he did on the weekend. That he went to dinner with some of the couples that were there and that he was the only one by himself. That it was awkward and kind of sad because it was valentine's day. I did not say anything about it, I just listen to him and enjoyed it. But it did not bother me either, to talk about it.
I told him my weekend ordeal too. He was very worried and said I should have called him if I was not feeling good. Again, I did not say a thing or react to it. I just smiled and said that I will call him the next time.
We talked about the church, the people, the way things are changing us. He told me that he is cleaning himself and is starting feeling a lot better without any drugs. That his faith is helping him to see things different.
Many times he put his hand on my back when we moved from one place to another, just the way he always did. Sometimes he put his hand over my shoulder. He got chairs for just the two of us and sat very close to me. We talked, we laughed, we cried and it was all so simple. I was calm, caring, discrete. When I think about it now, I don't even know what got into me that I was so detached.
When we finished eating the cake, he asked me if he could introduce me to the main pastor. The man that actually brought him to that church. We walked together and he introduced me to the pastor and his wife. His wife at some point start saying that there was a strong reason why I was there. That God does work in mysterious ways and that his work is healing our hearts.
That we need to take time and talk, and not just talk with our wounds, but leave things in the past and start a new journey and talk with open hearts and if there is a chance to be happy that we need to make the most to grab that chance and be strong together.
That what is happening to us is the work of the Lord and that what was united in God's name won't ever be broken by man. That she feels we have a lot unfinished and we just need to hand it to our Lord and put the best of ourselves forward and let it happen.
I listen to her, XH also listen and paid attention. He did not say anything but did not left either. He just kept bouncing his head in a yes motion. I mention that I always felt a strong desire to run away and the distance would take care after all issues, but it is not the plan and I can't do it now. What she replayed that it is not what I want but it is the path that was created by God that I need to follow.
They said that they really want to see me next week. I then said that I am an open book and I say things straight forward, and that I just don't want to be in my XH's space and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable.
He said that he gave all the information but did not tell me when to go because he knows I would not show up. That I did go just because it was my choice. But now, if I liked the place, he would like me to go again. That it will make him really happy if I would like to join next week.
Once we were done, I hugged a lot of the ladies and they were all very, very nice. This are very good heart people. I told XH I need to go and he said he was leaving too.
When we walked by his car he did not stop. I told him that he did not need to walk me to my car because it was a bit far. He looked at me and said "You know I won't let you walk alone".
He walked with me talking. I drove him back to his car and when we got there we talked about wednesday logistics with the kids and I mention my whole day visits to colleges with S18.
I also said that I will need his help with the scholarships letters and he said that he wants to participate in everything.
He took my hand and had tears on his face. He said that he was really happy that I was there. That he thinks it will be good for him and for me. He gave me a strong hug. He kissed my chick, then my front head.
I thanked him for letting me to participate and meet so many great people. He said thank you for coming and making me happy. We said this to each other and he was holding my hand.
He started crying and I gave him a hug and said that I don't want to see him crying anymore, that I want to see him happier and smiling. He said that he does not cry because he is sad as much anymore, and that he was crying because he was feeling something good inside him.
I mention that it is the healing crying, something I have been doing too. It's not pain, it is letting the pain go. We hugged again and he gave me a kiss on my lips. You know, the quick one, like friends do sometimes.
I said take care, he said drive safe and left my car. I drove away.
I still don't know how I could do all this. I am amazed with myself. I did not know I had it inside of me. How could I be calm, OK with everything. Looking back, it is like I was someone else.
XH was polite as usual, but not the just polite kind of thing. He was genuine, he was caring. He was really happy I was there. His eyes where on me, he admired me. He spoke highly about my language gift, and how I use my spanish to help my company. He was proud to say good things about me.
What just happen I don't know how to place it inside the MLC. That this change anything? NO. We are still divorced. That this is a start in the right direction? Maybe, I don't know. That I will call or text him tomorrow? NO.
The truth is that this came become something or it is just nothing. I can't tell. I guess I got to this point in my sitch that it does not matter anymore. I want him, I don't need him. And if I just want him, then I want him if he wants me. If it is understandable.
I am thinking to go next tuesday. XH told me that he will be there on Sunday. But I don't want to suffocate him or get myself suffocated. I guess tuesday is just right for us to share that time practicing our faith.
I welcome the 2 x 4s if needed. But I feel good with myself.
Love you... You are the reason I am actually feeling good today.
Pink
Hi Pink really touching post. So glad you went to the church when he was there
From the outside it seems H is reaching out and you were perfect.
Having no expectations is very tough but it's the way forward.
All the signs are positive and keep on the same track and see what happens
Really pleased you had a great time and the people in the church sound nice
Take care. Rd
PInk your hard work is the reason you are feeling good. I'm very happy for you. Keep going on Tuesdays. I think this is where you get to see what God has planned for you. xoxoxoxo
Pink,
You are right where you need to be right now. The man upstairs was guiding you and yes, you had plenty of time to sit quietly and the answers surely did come, even while you were sick. I'm very glad you went to the church service and stayed the entire time. You met some nice people and your xh was there and treated you w/respect.
How will your life's story unfold? No one knows, but you are very busy writing the next chapter and I can't wait to watch it unfold. I would continue to keep my expectations at zero and allow your xh to come to you and show you that you can trust him again. Keeping the door ajar will allow the both of you to find a way to rekindle your friendship first and who knows? Maybe later getting back together...but that is further down the road. Remember actions speak louder than words.
Pink, I know it's difficult, but you will need to find a way to forgive him. Holding on to the resentment and anger just makes life so hard and it does take a lot of work to harbor those feelings day in and day out. Yes, you were hurt deeply, but time does heal all wounds and the scars will shrink.
Pink, you've got this! I think God has shown you this weekend that anything is possible if you have a little faith and can keep those expectations at zero for now. I'm very proud for the way you handled yourself.
It's sounding like he wants to make things smooth.
The question in Time will be to what goal does he have in his mind.
Remeber my ic said "the thruth will always wiggle out in time"
And "you need to give it enough time"
All sounds good Pink. Now the main challenge is to maintain steady and with no expectations yourself. Friendly with XH and a little more 'joint' time - but pressing ahead with your own stuff too. Good luck Sweetie xx
Morning friends,
V, I am not anymore in that position to let XH physically close, and to tell the truth even the emotional closeness is something that is getting very thin inside of me.
I am getting tired of my fight. Looking back I see so much done and I don't see XH moving in any direction that leads home. I am seeing a man that is waking up for his own benefit, worry for his own needs, but does not give a bit to others.
I am not worry about his stuff anymore, about what he does or doesn't with his time and life. I am getting somewhat disgusted with him. What may be the way I detach from people. I feel that while hoping there is a line of romantic feeling and then with time there comes this weird feeling of disgust. And that is what is starting inside of me.
I recognize that I am in my own roller coaster. I am just getting out of my menopause and even feel that my feelings go up and down. But all the work I need to put for myself and my kids are making me to see that I am doing it all alone, XH is just worried about himself and his life and the truth is that he left me alone to deal with it all and resolve it all.
bttrfly - I am also a romantic being by nature. I dream with my eyes wide open but there is a limit for fantasy and I think that the MLC road is very twisted and is challenge me to see things in a different way. I am just not very sure how long I can keep on the swing dance with this. Slowly but surely I am giving up on it all. I need to focus in my life and see the big picture of where I want to be in 5 to 10 years and there is a lot of work to put myself in a safe place financially, physically and mainly mentally.
job - what happen was nice, it could be seen as some progress. I saw that XH is doing a good job for himself. But the truth is that I was the one walking towards him. I was the one giving that step and joining him. He did not even invited me, he just gave me the info.
How can I just see things in a positive way when XH does not do a little move towards me. He treated me well because he knows who and how I am. If someone does not treat me with at least respect, I just walk away.
So all what he did was to be polite, nothing else. I was the one in his space, he did not move a finger to be in my space. He was the one that purged, that betrayed me, that left me. I think I need to have some shame inside of me and let him go. It is not going to work if I feel that I am the one doing the hard lift to bring him back. If that happen, once he is back I will be asking him to leave.
Maybe I am from old times that a lady will wait the gentleman's move to accept his charms, but this is the way I think it should happen, he is not asking me to be in his space, I am the one that step into that.
GG - You are right, I have no clue of what is in his mind. But I can see the line of selfishness, self pity on XH. He did not change much towards others, he is changing towards himself because life exploded on his face and he got himself into a big mess. But it not necessarily tells me that he give any value to his family. It just shows that he wants to rebuild his own life.
Sotto - It does not sound too good. It is just politeness, good words and no action whatsoever. XH did nothing. I was the way that stepped on his shoes. The truth is not pretty and is not easy to face, but he is not moving a finger in my direction.
So, I am very busy and I said twice already that I need XH's help with the whole college stuff for S18. All what I hear are words that can make you feel good, but no actions. Not even a tiny bit of an action.
XH is a coward. He is not a man that will step out of his comfort zone and face life with all its challenges. I am almost getting to the conclusion that it is why we had a problem in the first place because I am a fighter. XH was always a good provider because he was amazed with himself at his work. He is a good professional and love the status that he gets from it.
But being a husband and a father is something a man does and does not get the external status. It is a prize you get from your own guts, not a plaque with congrats, best of the year stuff.
Through this process I have been learning a lot, more on some areas, less in others, but I can't deny that I am another person, have different perspectives in life, give value to things that invisible.
I can't deny to see the truth anymore, and the truth is that it does not matter how much is different, XH is not doing anything to move towards me.
I am not very sure if I will join him again in that church. I am questioning myself if it is what I need to do. I would be setting myself to pursuit him and that is exactly what I was working in not doing.
He will be doing what he set himself to do, it would be me walking in that direction and why I would do that?
I need to think about it, but I am quite sure that this is not what will make me feel better about this. Again, I am the way to follow, and I am not sure I am in mood to do this anymore for anybody else in this life.
I need to work a lot and that is not too bad since I am not in my best mood today. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I did not feel good seeing someone that is still doing things to get close to a person that does not want to be with me anymore.
Time will tell, but I think I am the one to purge now.
Thanks for being there for me. My life is better because I can tell you all what is in my heart.
Pink
Hi Pink I see you have woken up your passionate side this morning I'm not going to argue with you , just maybe point out that what I'm seeing from H is baby steps What you see as you moving towards him , I see as you responding to him coming forward
I really get that you want him to move faster or make more of an effort to show and tell you but that's. It going to happen. H has seen how strong you are and maybe he thinks you don't want him back. This will take time and only you can decide if you want to give him that time
Looking in be mirror you should see and strong , attractive , loving person who has been hurt incredibly badly but sometime she trusted with her life I know how attractive you are inside or out , FACT
You can decide what you want and I know you will but please give yourself time to think about it From the outside H is coming forward and telling you about his church was huge
Just my thoughts Anjo
Take care. Rd
Pink,
Come and sit on the bar stool next to mine. Let's have a chat.
I sense that you are very wary and there's some mixture of anger toward XH's past transgressions. As for the first part, perfectly understandable. Second part, where's that anger coming from? What are you really angry about here?
I am getting tired of my fight. Looking back I see so much done and I don't see XH moving in any direction that leads home. I am seeing a man that is waking up for his own benefit, worry for his own needs, but does not give a bit to others.
What are you fighting? What is it really about? I think the fight is internal. Right? Wrong? Only you can answer this. What I am seeing here is that you're making assumptions based on erroneous data. Who are you to say that XH is waking up for "his own benefit"??!! In what ways is it "his own benefit"? I am curious to understand your perspective or logic on this one.
From your last post, I see that XH is really open and wants to introduce YOU to others. That is a sign of someone who is a bit more comfortable with his own skin and having you around him. That is a huge baby step...especially from a MLCer who is slowly awakening. That's GOOD in my book.
I am getting somewhat disgusted with him. What may be the way I detach from people. I feel that while hoping there is a line of romantic feeling and then with time there comes this weird feeling of disgust. And that is what is starting inside of me.
Disgusted with...what precisely? Did he fart or make any farting jokes? I mean...what led you to be disgusted with him? I am not clear here. Can you please expand on this a bit more?
I am just getting out of my menopause and even feel that my feelings go up and down. But all the work I need to put for myself and my kids are making me to see that I am doing it all alone, XH is just worried about himself and his life and the truth is that he left me alone to deal with it all and resolve it all.
Resolve what? What are you talking about here?
XH worried about himself? Really?! Are you sure about this? He invited YOU to check out the new church. He stuck close by you. He engaged in talks with other church goers. It seems that you are wanting to focus on the bad things he did instead of what is HAPPENING in the now moment. The now moment is unfolding and it is beautiful. It is a gift. Appreciate the gifts that are coming your way now.
job - what happen was nice, it could be seen as some progress. I saw that XH is doing a good job for himself. But the truth is that I was the one walking towards him. I was the one giving that step and joining him. He did not even invited me, he just gave me the info.
That is the problem with expectations and you end up disappointed if they are not done in A, B, C fashion. You expected a "formal" invitation from XH that satisfies some elusive criteria in your head and when he does not follow them to the letter, you get all upset. Is that fair to you? Is that fair to XH? Is that fair to the two of you?
Change your perspective. Giving you information was HUGE here. Because of the information, it allowed you to go to the church which made XH happy and he showed his happiness several ways. Gratitude can be shown in several ways.
You ask this:
How can I just see things in a positive way when XH does not do a little move towards me.Whaa...what?! XH did several positive movements toward you and he's wary too. It goes both ways, honey.
Drop the anger and resentment. Start appreciating the process and progress. Don't expect grand pronouncements from XH. He's feeling his way slowly as well. You two are sensitive and tender. You are trying to figure out a path to find your way back together. Don't be too hard on XH. Otherwise you will lose him as well.
I could go on and on....
But I can see the line of selfishness, self pity on XH. He did not change much towards others, he is changing towards himself because life exploded on his face and he got himself into a big mess. But it not necessarily tells me that he give any value to his family. It just shows that he wants to rebuild his own life.
It does not sound too good. It is just politeness, good words and no action whatsoever. XH did nothing.XH is a coward. He is not a man that will step out of his comfort zone and face life with all its challenges. I am almost getting to the conclusion that it is why we had a problem in the first place because I am a fighter. I can't deny to see the truth anymore, and the truth is that it does not matter how much is different, XH is not doing anything to move towards me. I am not very sure if I will join him again in that church.All of these comments are smoldering anger that is seeping out and if you are not careful, you can do some real damage to a wonderful and budding new friendship with XH. It all starts with a friendship before it progresses to another level.
Take care of the anger asap.
I do SEE XH is moving toward you. You just don't or won't recognize those actions from XH because you are stuck in the anger spot. Move away from it and you'll be able to see things from a clearer perspective.
Hi Pink, I think that was diamond advice from posters. I also think these were baby steps from XH and he was opening a door that you chose to walk through - all good.
You felt good about the interaction when it had ended. What changed for you since then?
I wonder if your own fears are getting the better of you and you want to justify pushing him away in case he disappoints you?
I know it's tough - but do try and take on board the advice and take your time. Xx
RD, Wonka and Sotto,
I have to work now, but I will post later.
Wonka, I think I will rather sit on a little kindergarten chair today because I am in need to face big issues with my little girl.
Reading the posts made me cry and it is all about the little girl. It has nothing to do with XH. These are fears... Fear of vulnerability, Fear of rejection, Fear of Love.
I need to face the big demons now. I can't let it go and sweep it under the rug as I did my whole life.
I am hurting badly today and it all comes down to my childhood. I will take the time to finally face these demons and stop running away as I did all my life.
I am very proud that I saw a lot in my life. I traveled to a lot of places, lived in different countries. But was that just running away from myself?
And I am doing it again with XH. It's all so mixed up inside of me. I will sit down on my little pink chair, have my purple dress on because that is were I got stuck in my deepest wound, that is were I promise no one would ever hurt me. And then I will talk to you Wonka and I will tell you all about my pain.
And everyone is telling me that I need to let go the anger I have against XH and I can't really understand because I am not really very angry with him.
But underneath all this, it comes out some anger for the ghosts I hold inside of me.
I will write later. Just one thing. I am smiling, being nice and compassionate with my patients. The turmoil is inside of me and at my age you can trust that I can wear many masks and no one knows what is going on in my soul.
Thanks for the soft 2 x 4s Wonka. You are making me think. You are teaching me to grow up.
Love,
Pink
Wonka, first, thank you for challenge my comments. That is why this board is a life saver for so many in here. It makes you think.
After crying a lot today I had two things that came to my mind and was in my entire body. I went to the same place again. There was a time when I was about 12 years old. My mom made me a nice purple suit set and I tough it was gorgeous.
I was ready to go to a family party and I do not even remember what happen but my mom spanked me pretty bad. She asked me to go to my room and said I wouldn't go to the party because I was always a problem with the family. That no one want to see me around.
I did not go. I stayed in my room on my new purple clothes. I fell sleep sitting right beside my dresser. But I remember the feeling I had inside of me. I remember so much pain and hate and I remember I felt like I would never be anywhere that I was not wanted.
I do not have anything in purple. Do not like that color. Nothing in my house is purple. That is the easy fix.
But I also did something inside of me. Every time I feel a bit, even a tiny bit of rejection, or I feel I am not welcome. I run away. I always find the way to step out of the situation.
During my session with my IC, we worked on that and it seemed that I was handling that well. The truth is that some of that pain became habits, and I do this running away as a habit now.
I know I am wrong. I know I am a lovable person in many levels. I am a very discrete, on my own space kind of person. But that is what is happening with XH. At least, that is the way I feel.
When I am around him I remember he said that he was not in love with me anymore and then I feel like I need to purge. That I am somehow invading his life with my presence. Why I do this? I think I am really afraid of rejection. And I already tasted that with XH when he decided to be with someone else.
The problem I have is that I need to understand that these traits are in my life because I allow it to still affect me. And as a result I get into this kind of insecurities.
What am I fighting? I guess for me to go through my own turmoil is a big fight inside of me. Then I project that on XH. Like he needs to be the one to say to me: "Don't be afraid Cira, you are not being too much".
I am not disgusted with XH physically. He is a very polite man. He use to fart a lot, but only in a house, and most of the time always said I am sorry.
The disgust part, and you are a 100% right, is my anger because he just do not snap out of wonderland. Yes, I kind of understand the whole MLC, or at least try my best to learn more and more about this. But life has its realities and right now it is a very big load of stuff to do.
I spoke w/XH about our taxes and he is still deciding if he wants to claim some of the house taxes or not, bank taxes or not, and I need my taxes ready asap because I have a deadline for the Fafsa.
He does not know where is the kids insurance card. He asked for another one and also does not know about it. He does not know where is the health form for 2015.
I asked for his help with the football fundraiser, college stuff, school conferences, and more. He is always waiting for the babysitter to set up everything and just let him know.
I know it shouldn't bother me anymore, but it does. I do not need to keep doing these things. But then, if I don't, I became the mean person that is trying to hurt him using all this stuff against him.
So I get lost sometimes of what is better to do or better not to do. Again, the easy way out is to just purge and forget he even exist. If I could, I would just put some many miles in between us and close the door once for all.
But again, I would be doing just what I do best... RUN.
I guess everyone is right. I have some unresolved anger against him. Like why he can be the single guy, doing whatever he wants and I need to be the one left resolving it all.
Why he can't be responsible and take charge of one thing with his kids and think that it would be one less thing for me to do. Why he can just assume that I will do it all.
Now, Michelle's comments about you doing the heavy lift has another dimension in my view. She really meant heavy lift.
Of course, I always explode here on this board. XH does not know that I feel all this. And that is a good point you made. The same way I have all these feelings inside of me and do not let him know about it, who am I to conclude that XH is having the time of his life and is not thinking at all. He may be doing exactly what I am doing and not letting me know as well.
The Expectations... It is indeed so hard to have none. And yet when I genuinely do not have any, that is when I get very surprised with good happenings.
I think that I just would like a little sign that I can have some kind of hope he look at me with some feelings. Not just compassion because he left me and feel guilty about it. Like he is doing me a favor to be nice and polite.
You see him giving me the church info and a way to let me know I could go and he would be happy about it. In some ways I get it because he did not need to say a thing. I certainly did not ask him for it.
Yes, again you are right. I need to change my perspective of how things are unfolding and feel gratitude that there are many positives at the moment.
I remember reading lady bug and 25 giving many advice in different threads about compassion. It is very hard to have any kind of compassion towards someone that divorced you. It's the main prove they do not want to be with you anymore.
The conclusion is that: I need to work a lot more and DETACH, DETACH, DETACH.
I keep holding myself in some fantasy, something that may never happen, some fiction story. I know I need to let go. But for me detaching means forget, and I don't want to forget. I want to think that there is still a chance for our family. And then I think there is no chance at all.
What should I do then?
I am living my life. I did change somethings on myself.
Should I ignore him, disappear from earth and let him miss me.
Or should I go to his church next tuesday and just be there with a smile, a good attitude, feeling positive and enjoy his company?
Then everyone will ask me: What is that you want to accomplish? What do you want?
*** What I want is that XH will look at me and think that it would be worth to try to work on "US" so we would have our family together again.
*** What I want is to see a little more then politeness, something that would show he worked to have me around him.
*** That he would say something, even a little word that would let me hope that he sometimes think about us together sometime in the future.
Right now I do not believe he is doing anything to have me back in his life. All what he did may be a Huge baby step, but it is all very lost in translation. I could mean this or that.
Again, I am back to the same spot. I need to detach and let it go.
Sometimes I kind feel smart. But it is when I need to understand this whole mess that I get the feeling I know nothing.
I am lost. I need to go easy, but what that means? I need to go slow, but what that means?
Question:
What would be your advice for me. Do I go to XH's church next tuesday and enjoy that time beside him? Or let go on that and keep my distance from him and only go again if he ever mention it to me"?
And, I am sorry I am so stupid when it comes to XH, I don't really know what to do anymore.
Thanks,
Pink
H Pink. This is where the going gets tough and the tough get going
XH is coming forward and none of us know why
He could want to reconcile or he could want to be friends or maybe he wants something else Right now , it doesn't matter , what matters is what you want
It's clear to me you want him back and I would love for you to accept that and then start to work towards it. I feel exactly the same as you do and I have turned my W away time and time again in case I get hurt. I hate rejection and will do anything to avoid it. Like you , all people see is a person without s care in the world but inside I hate rejection. When we connected recently I dreaded your opinion of my appearance because I couldn't handle the rejection I still did it because your very special to me and it was worth the risk
Your XH is worth the risk , I wish I could slap him a few times and tell him to pull himself together BUT he needs to find his own way and you need to be so strong and face your fear of rejection Your a gorgeous person and your fear of rejection is working against you now Trust in yourself , you were never the problem for XH , it was always him.
Let go the fear and be you. Every time the fear starts please know that there are thousands of people that would kill to have you in their lives. ( me included )
XHs actions made / make you feel rejected , they shouldn't , he was / is going through something and while I'm not trying to excuse him , I am trying to explain his behaviours. He is not our partying or living a great life He's working on himself and reaching out to his faith to help him Trust in your faith and relax back from the fear
I don't know if XH will ever fully recover or if a new M will work but I do think it's worth your best shot Your cherished and loved on this board and we all want what's best for you. Listen to the advice and let the future unfold as it will
Reach out to XH when you think it's right , just like you did re the church , if nothing changes then Pink has tried everything she can and looking back in years to come you will know you gave it your all.
XH did some horrible , stupid , nasty things BUT the important word in that sentance is DID
If you feel you need payback , a sordid weekend in Dublin is always an option !!!!!!!
Anjo , you need to live in the now , the past is just that , past Let go of the pain and the rejection , they are over
Today is a new day , Pink needs to live her life and open her heart to XH , it's a risk but IMHO , a risk worth taking. No pursuing but just open up and be receptive
The above is my humble opinion
A huge hug , Rd. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi RD,
Thanks for your kind words. I will do my best and try to see the positive in all of this.
Also, I noticed that if it is a big deal for me then it should be because I need to disconnect/detach from it all. I need to let go and don't even think much about this.
Maybe time to re read DB and DR.
It is probably because I am not having a life as I tough I did. I need to get busy with myself and do things that will take my attention from this nightmare.
Had a busy working day. I am tired, so it will help to get a good sleep today.
Take care RD,
Pink
Pink
I understand this, if it was me then I too would want to protect myself from someone who had hurt me.
I am still cautious on your behalf, xWH has not shown much direct regret towards you. Who knows if he has made his peace with his God, it is possible he has. It is also possible he is self soothing with his religion.
It is not for us to judge or consider it.
Also it's ok not to forgive, to hold that back until you get a direct request. If xWH is still in your heart then be cautious.
If it were V then I would see where this church on Tuesday goes, remember XWH church is not him, he has to seek atonement. It can be your choice to say thank you for the opportunity and this was pleasant to come to this beautiful church with these kind church goers, it changes nothing for me. It is also ok to go at your pace and when you want to, whether it's friendship, co parenting or embryonic piecing. You can say I am not ready for this. Go once more at least. Then rest it for a week until you see how it feels not to go.
You are struggling with your desire to run and hide, this is your struggle, to face what is and then decide. If you want to be with XWH then decide coolly when your need to run has gone, this fear is impeding you making a cool decision.
In the end it is the LBS who decides. Decide what you truly want in your heart then work to that.
In my book it is good to protect yourself.
Pink know this, purple is a combination of deep pink and blue. It is a symbol of your struggle, go buy a garment in purple and wear it. Wear it as a symbol of letting go of the need to run.
If you are Pink and XWH is blue do the two of you meld to purple?
Decide what you want and how far you can go with this church interaction.
I would be very cautious too. Your higher spirit will guide you to an answer and it's detaching if it's ok yes and ok no.
All of the moves other than getting yourself to a place where yes could be an answer are all of his.
On this board, successful repair of an R is one of many goals, it is not the only one.
You were once in the place that Red finds herself and that hurt and pain is not easily overcome.
I understand
V
Oh and time away anywhere may give you space to think and consider your other choices.
This does not make you wayward, it was your XWH who was wayward.
Give your self space and time
V
Pink, I have no advice but a big hug and love. I try to always read up and catch up on your situation. It is hard. I just want you to know I'm here for you while you are here for me.
Hi friends,
I think everyone here is seeing it better then myself. I guess my fear and my childhood traumas are getting the best of me.
After the whole church stuff. I interact with XH on wed evening. He was all happy, big smile and he was very nice about the college discussion. Not so radical anymore.
Then I saw him on Thursday. Big coincidence that we got there at the same time. We hugged, talked in a very pleasant way. He told me some stuff about his work (as usual), asked me about my work. All fine.
Then Saturday I made myself unavailable, morning and afternoon.
Today, I really needed to decide about the taxes and sent him a text about the house tax and bank tax. And that I was sorry to rush him but I need the taxed done asap since I need to get S18 college papers in.
He answered about the taxes and that he wants to break it into 50/50 and then write this paragraph:
- In the big picture, the difference probably won't save me from bankruptcy.
Then I wrote this:
- It's done. 50/50. And I am very sorry we are going through all this. I am also very sorry I ever got into your life just to make a huge mess. Believe me, if I could I would just off our lives and you wouldn't have all this pain.
Got this:
- Please don't say that you got my life into a mess. You and our kids are the best part of my life. I know what I have done to cause all of this. I am truly sorry... more then you may ever know or understand. We are still here and making it through the difficult times. God still has a purpose for us - I am certain.
The last back and forth text were about him helping to get things done for S18 college and logistics. He will be coming to the house tomorrow.
It's hard to believe but it may be possible that he is thinking about his family, his life with me and the kids. It still feels a little surreal to me and I think it is because I fear rejection so much that it is actually easy to just think that he won't look back ever.
S21 also told me that he had a long talk with him. Apologized for being so inconsiderate, arrogant, jerk, blind and death for so long and for causing so much pain with his absurd behavior. That he is seeing things a lot clearer now and he is working on changing himself.
That he knows he still have a lot more work to do but he feels hopeful that he can change and be a better person.
S21 told me that he is also starting believing that his dad is really serious about what he is saying because he is being more consistent in his behavior.
I need to be honest to say that it is incredible hard to be patient, not have any expectations. It is very hard to know what to do since now he is nice but still distant. I feel insecure because I do not want to do any stupid and make him run away, or I don't want to disappear and be all unavailable.
It is basically what many people say. That it is harder work to get together then it is to just pure DBing.
There is also a lot of pain around us all in our family.
***
In another note, I want you guys laugh a little bit.
S21 said that it is funny to see that his mom and dad are on the "Porcupine Stage" know as the "Hedgehog's dilemma". He explained me that there is a story about the porcupine wanting to get warm and getting too close to each other and then hurting each other badly. Then once hurt, they would distance themselves. After some time they would start approaching again and have a lot of fear because they knew they could still hurt each other, even tough they have an intense desire to get closer.
I was just...Woooow! My kids really pay attention. They are just amazing kids. Love it.
***
V, XH's pastor has some class this Tuesday and they are not having their service. Instead, XH is coming to the house to help with the scholarship letters. We will see what happens then. Shouldn't be much since we have a lot of work to do. The good thing is that during these 19 years XH and I can talk with our eyes a lot. I will let you know.
About the issue in my childhood, I am having the opportunity to work on that with my Divorce support group, as a "Mask" that I have been wearing for a long, long time. Life feels like a puzzle right now, all the pieces kind go together lately.
The therapist in charge told me to write an apology letter as my father and as my mother writing to me. I have a friend that will check on my work progress during the week and once the work is complete we will take off that mask in class sharing with all other members.
I am planning to wear purple. If possible, the same ton of purple. So to treat myself, face my demons and clean my wounds as much as I can. Let it go for good, so I can feel better and be better.
I am learning. Believe me I pay attention in every single word you guys write to me. You are brilliant.
Love,
Pink
Hey Pink, keep it business like on Tuesday. No R talk. Say it all with those lovely eyes of yours!
Hey pink,
The notes back and forth when you were desribing possible tax collaboration, That sounded like a pretty real and deep interaction... for your sanity i hope it was authentic.
Your patience has been brilliant!
Hey Pink, from what you post, I see you as a bit of an all or nothing girl with heart on your sleeve. I think the positive interactions with XH are great - as long as - you protect your own heart in all of this.
I think it is fine to open the door to XH a little - and to do so with a very realistic perspective of what MLC is, the journey MLCers take and your own boundaries.
All I would aim for at this point (perhaps for many months) is a little more contact and 'friends.' I wouldn't commit my heart or be thinking about possible R. I don't think it is time for that just yet. But I think it is fine to open a little more of yourself to your XH and protect the rest. You are D, you are your own person with your own life and you may allow XH a little more space in it - but I think you need to see what happens over a period of time before you decide to offer anything further...
So - a little more open and proceed with caution - friends and no romance - would be my advice Sweetie and good luck xx
Thanks NYGal, Zephyr and Sotto,
Just a quick update because I have a lot to do today. Really overwhelmed at work and home.
I did just like you guys said, business like, w/a little distance.
The thing is that w/XH it's not so easy do not talk about R. He is the one that brings up the subject. I then tried to just a little out of it and just listen.
He apologized for not being so involved in the college process and started telling me his work challenges and that he is now just trying to keep his job and not be fired because things are really crazy.
Then said that he is having his sales meeting but it is just his territory and not the whole company meeting. That no one from outside is here. That he is not with anybody for a long time and that I need to believe him.
I said that it is OK him telling me this but it is really none of my business about his private life and that he can do whatever he wants. He then said that he is alone and does not have that woman in his life for a long time and has no one. That he is taking the time to work on himself because he is not blind anymore and he wants to become a better person.
He said that he knows what he did and that he regrets most of it and in the same time he thinks it was the worse thing that happen to him but yet the best thing because he could see that he was so wrong the way he did things before.
XH started talking about his faith and how it is helping him to see what really have value in life. That he needs to purify his heart and be humble to face what he did. Then spoke about his church and how much those people just loved me.
I told him that it is kind of awkward to go back there because I do not want to feel like I am putting my nose into his life. He just look at me and said that I won't be doing this. That he gave me all the info because he thinks that there is a purpose for what is happening.
I just left it there. He then told me that he bought a bible and is now finally reading it, that he is finally accepting God in his life and he feels better every day. He even read a passage to me. I looked at him and asked: "Are you really doing this?"
He said that he is because he thinks that it is the only way to make things right. I told him I am so proud of him for doing all this work. And he said with a smile that he knows I am proud of him.
It's kind of funny that he always sit very close to me. He does not avoid me in any way. He looks at me, right into my eyes.
We talked about other things like kids, S18 and college, our dog, food.
Then S18 came and we did a lot of paperwork done. It was really enjoyable. We worked hard but we laughed a lot. Had a lot of fun answering questions.
I started dinner and they were working at the dinner table. S21 and S15 joined the crew and it was really, really enjoyable. I was kind of quite. XH would walk around me trying to bring me to the convo he was having with the kids.
A bitter/sweet feeling...WE WERE A FAMILY!!! at that moment in time.
I chose do not sit and have dinner with them. A went to do some other thing on my own. He had his time with the boys. When I was back in the kitchen he was around me trying to read me. Guessing what was going on with me.
I started marinating some chicken for today and he said he needed to go, that he still had to drive a half an hour. He apologized for not being able to help more. That he is very thankful I let him to be part of this process.
He says this like he needs my permission for everything. Like he is looking for my approval.
And that is were I probably messed up. I am not mad with myself because I am human, and the emotions are very high having my family altogether and having fun.
I looked at XH and said:
Me - "You do need to leave, you choose to leave. We did not asked you to go XH, it is your chose to go because you do not want us, you do not want this in your life anymore."
XH - "Please, Cira don't talk like this. It is not fair."
Me - "Yes I do. I do talk like this because this is the way I feel about it. We did not ask you to go."
Then we hugged and said good night. Then he comes back looking for his mail and says goodbye again, another hug. Then he comes back looking for his neck warmer, and another hug and another good bye.
So I figure he wanted me to walk him to the door. I did go there and my wet dog is just standing there, looking like he would break in tears. I told him I wish he has a nice meeting these next few days and that I knew everything would be OK because he is an excellent professional and knows his stuff.
That I believe in him and his potential. He said he knows it now that I care. I did not hug him again and I felt he was waiting for it. But I did not, I just said that I would do some more papers and then go to sleep because I too would have a busy next day and said good night XH.
It's a lot to digest. It is really hard to see a person you love to do all this. It would be a lot easier and justified if he was mean to me. But he is not, he treats me like a princess, like a delicate crystal. It hurts and yet I need to put a face like it doesn't bother me.
I know XH is attracted to me physically, that he needs me emotionally, that he admire my character. But I also know that he is choosing to be away from me right now and that he may never come back. So it is like walking in "Hell".
I treated him well, with respect and kindness. Funny thing, I asked if anyone would like some broccoli since I was making salmon and he said he would like. The at dinner I heard when he said that "I guess I can eat the whole broccoli because your mom made it for me".
He is a teenager looking for his path. I can see that he is still in some confusion. I can see that he would benefit from some counseling but I do not pressure him in any way. He needs to do his thing. But I also fear that he may fall for someone else. Yes, I fear. How not to?
I also think that I need to work on myself to detach. I am not detached. I still give XH a lot of room in my brain. I still hope that he will come back. I do not live my life for what it is, being a D woman. I have expectations, anger, resentment, pain and I am letting my emotions to play with my actions, my thinking. I have physical pain because I am letting it all play me big time. I need to back off and regain control over my feelings.
It's being hard for me to let go, and I know I must. I feel he loves me, but he is choosing not to love me anymore and I need to accept that he may never decide to love me again.
He does not say any clear words, his moves are mixed up. He gets close and then it is like the police is right there and he realizes he will be in trouble. He looks at me with passion and then looks at the floor to avoid my eyes. He is sorry and ashamed for what he did and is always looking for my understanding.
He is always explaining what he is working on himself, saying that there is no one in his life. But yet he does not want me either.
I have nothing to do right now besides go through the motions of so much work to get ready for graduation, college, moving my kid to college dorms, S21 and still some tests, S15 and football fundraisers for the Florida trip. It's a lot to focus so I won't be available. In this way it is easier to be patient.
I am just too busy and need to leave it to "time to resolve it all".
From the bottom of my heart I can only say that it hurts. I know what I want, but it is not about me wanting it. I know what I love, but it is not about me loving it. It's hard to be in the open and vulnerable, but I can't walk in another direction either. I am not even sure that I have what it takes to just be patient and endure this time in our lives and hope it will be OK.
I was a little distant yesterday and he noticed. I know he wanted to hug me but I kept my physical distance too. XH and I were never upset with each other for too long. We never had real fights were people have grudges against each other. So for us it is almost like natural to just be back into each other arms.
But it is not the same anymore and I do not want to have false hopes either.
At some point doing the papers, he said that I was tired. I said that sometimes I feel like I just want to let go on everything and just leave, go somewhere and don't look back. He then explained to me that this is the way he felt, but that it is not the answer because it does not make things easier, by the contrary, that you just make the problem bigger.
He said that then you do things to regret later and the pain is way harder then it was before. That going away is a false believe of resolving issues.
Yeah, my kitten MLCer explained to me how the MLC effect is a big ball of pain.
Well, I don't know where it will all goes. Sometimes I have hope that at some point he will want to come back home. Sometimes I feel like he is waiting for me to tell him to come back home. Other times I feel that he is still does not want to come back home. In resume, I know nothing.
But I can't also just let go right now. I don't feel ready to let go on this. It's the most different situation for me, in my life. I was never so attached to anything or anybody in my entire life, but I just can't let go on him, not right now.
It's yet another episode, we will see where life will take us.
Hope everyone is having a great day.
Pink
Pink,
Your xh is trying to find the path to lead him back to you. I'm going to post a thread that might help you better understand the reconnection process. Please ask questions. Okay? The information was posted a long time ago, but it is still useful.
TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (new)
Hi Pink. I have to agree with Job. I understand your fear of rejection and only you can decide if you will risk your heart again.
I would open up cautiously and let XH find his way. Be the lighthouse Anjo.
Re read your post and change your XH for my W and what advice would you give me ??
You have a lot of control here , you just don't realise it yet.
Take care. Rd. xxxx
Thanks Job, as I said I am very busy today. I did read some of the posts you pointed to me. It's amazing and most very scary. I tough that the "hurting" would be way gone by now.
But I see that standing for you marriage takes a lot more then just having some strength and desire to do so.
It takes such discipline and hits your core like a tornado. It goes to the bits of your human cell and makes you to reborn anew. There is so much change in this process that sometimes you feel so different and pure human that it is scary.
The most amazing thing to me is that life is taking another dimension of how I see people these days. It's like being naked, no attachments to foolish things. It's a deep understanding of energy and the absence of body.
Or I am going totally insane while walking this journey or I am finally realizing that I have been changing too.
I will read more and want to learn more about the reality that is behind all of this and why this happen to some human beings.
Love you for the info, you have been helping me along the way and giving me always good advice. It's also unconditional love because you give, just give with your heart. Thank you, thank you so much for your friendship.
With gratitude,
Pink
Updating...
Life has been busy, I continue moving forward and doing all what I need to do and have my plans on doing even more.
1. S21 is in psychotherapy and it is not going to be very easy, but its a process and at least he is moving in that direction. We have been talking a lot and his relationship with his dad is definitely improving.
2. S18 was accepted at the college of his choice, we did the Fafsa in good timing, did a lot of scholarships and are working on some other ones and now lots of more work to get him set up for moving. He is excited and seems like getting himself ready too.
3. S15 is kind of mixed up in his choices right now. Kind of a brat many times, he goes in cycles about attention and sometimes becomes high maintenance. Kind of mom's boy thing. Not very easy to deal with it since he is always on my tail. He always needs to know what, where and with who. It's a constant fear that he will lose me or something.
GAL:
1. Almost done with my divorce support group classes, next weekend is our last class and I am happy because I developed some great new friendships. The plan is to keep doing activities together as much as we can.
2. Did salsa class along with salsa social for the first time in my life and it was a lot of fun. I can and love to dance, but never actually learn the moves from salsa and it is great.
3. Went to happy hour with my divorce group.
4. Birthday celebration w/friends.
5. Also for the first time, I went to a cowboy dance party. It was a concert and there was lots of people. Had some guys asking me to dance and it was a lot of fun too. My friends were very supportive.
6. Plus church, friends, prayer group.
Plans:
1. Have a end of divorce group celebration were we are suppose to dress up for graduation day, will be fun.
2. Concert at a night club. Some local female singers will set up the tone for the night.
3. Christian concert with a friend from work building, its a large concert so it will be a blast.
4. Happy hour next Friday.
As a family plan:
1. Need to set up my kids PCP check ups for the year.
2. Look into the plans for S18 graduation and start the invitations going now that we have them.
3. Do something fun with them the coming weekend.
4. Start planning our trip to Virginia in the coming summer.
5. Need to get S15 and S18 appointments with an IC.
And the most important is that I decided to change jobs. I got to the conclusion that the owners of this company are little thinkers and they won't expand the business any time soon. They are still stuck in the control stuff. So, I am moving on. I need the money and I need to grow, it is time.
About XH:
Did a lot of crying this weekend. NYGal helped me and was very kind yesterday.
Throughout this time we have been exchanging a few texts about the church, kids, college, conferences. All friendly.
Then on Friday evening I was coming out of the door to clean something in my car and he was arriving at my house. He did not recognized me. I walked to my car and when he came out of his, he had a big smile on his face.
He said that I was looking amazing. I said thank you and then we chatted a little bit. He did not take his eyes from me. A couple that are friends with both of us came to the house too because they were riding with me and H was very nice with them. Well, he then found out that I was going to a birthday party.
When I came back S18 told me that they decided not to go to the mountains the next day and I asked what they would be doing. They did not know. They told me that XH maybe would be going to the mountains by himself. Well, since I had everything schedule to go away on Saturday, I called XH to find out his plans because we have a deal of always one parent is around just in case.
I texted and he did not answer. I called and he did not picked up. Next morning I called him early and told him that it can't continue this way. That if he wants to be a present parent in his kids life that he needs to act accordingly.
I told him that I need and I want to have my own time without any worries and headaches and it is just fair that I can too have a life. I told him I can't do it all by myself and that I am very tired of hanging in there and if he does not want to be part of it then he needs to let me know.
He was very apologetic saying that he understands me and that he did not have any intention to ruin my plans but he fell asleep and did not hear the phone.
Then he started saying that it's also not his intention to leave me with all the burden and that he knows how many times he did this. That he wants to be part of the kids life because they are important for him.
He said that I am a great mom and a great woman, and that the kids are lucky to have a mom like me. I told him that it's not even about being a great mom, it's for me to have a life and that I think that I have the right to have some fun and relax a little bit. That he invented this stupid divorce and then now he needs to face the consequences and do what he needs to do so I can have my own time to move on with my life.
Then he flips and starting saying that he regret his decisions, that he did not treated me the way he should have. That I am a great woman and he knows that he won't ever find anyone even close to a woman I am for him..
I said that I understand but it is what it is and since I have been respecting his decisions, I need to look into my life and do what is best for myself.
Then he says again that he regret his decision but he needs to live with it. That he wants me to be happy and that what most hurt him during the time that we were married was that I did not want and let him to love me. He was crying a lot on the phone.
I told him that I was really stupid and that I did not see that. That many times I just tough I was the last on his list. That he would come from his trips and there was a million things before me and to the time he would look at me, then I was already angry with him and would just go on my own way. I said I was stupid because I did not see or felt his attention.
He then said that everything he did was for me, that he never tough about anything else but me. That his whole life was me and only know he can see that he was very selfish and took me from granted and did not show his appreciation. Instead he just tough about and felt hurt when I would not let him to just love me.
Then I cried too. And he went on saying that he loves me, that he loves me with all his heart and he knows that he will never meet a woman like me. That he made a huge mistake and now he needs to live with it.
I told him that I respect his decisions, that I always did and always will, but this stupid divorce was not my idea, even when I actually asked for a divorce a few times before, I was just trying to get his attention. That I will do whatever it takes to be out of his way and follow my path but that I do not agree with the divorce. Maybe big mistake... but I said to him that I probably should be talking about his but that I found out I love him more then I tough I did. That at some point I was so depressed and empty that I could not feel how much I loved him and that now I know that I never loved someone like I loved him and will probably never love any person the way I love him.
I said that I need him to understand that one thing is to respect his decision and another is to agree with it and that I still do not want this divorce, that it was not right for me before and is not right for me now. That this is not what I want. But I am just respecting what he wants.
He then said that he wants to be my friend and I asked him why he was saying that since we are friends? He said that he would like to be more friends (???) that he is respecting that I asked for space but he does not want that. That he wants to talk to me more often, that he is missing to talk to me, missing to talk to his best friend in his whole life.
I said to him that if this is the case that I still have some of my Christmas Starbucks gift cards and that we could go for a coffee sometimes and talk. He said immediately that we need to do that, that he will be looking forward to that.
We also talked about the church, and he keep saying that he believes God has a plan for us. That I should believe that too. I asked if he was inviting me again to his church and he said no, that he was making sure I understand that he would like me to go and that I should feel free to go there if I want and that he won't have anything against it.
He told me about someone in his company that is getting divorce. This guy has the same family set up, with three boys almost the same age as ours. He said that he guy told him about a bitter divorce and then he told this guy about his and that at some point the guy asked said that he was still trying to understand why we got divorced in the same time. The XH said that he told this guy that he was very stupid and made a lot of mistakes and lost his family.
XH also mention that him and this guy talked a lot about finding out the value of a family when you do not have one. That he lives in his room and that sometimes he just don't want to do anything because he does not have the people he loves around.
Lots of tears around our 2 hour conversation.
Then XH comes to the house. I invited him to come inside. He said that he understand my boundaries and did not want to disrespect me. I told him it was fine to get inside because was too windy outside.
He comes in and apologize again for ruin my plans. Only this time he was right there and I knew it was not a mistake. He actually did this. And then explained to me how things happen and how it was such weird thing that he did not hear the two phones he has. That once again he ruin my plans and it was probably meant to be. I left it there, did no say anything. Yeah, right, it is always meant to be that when I have something schedule to go somewhere that he always do something to interfere in my plans.
It was nice talking to him. I made a cup of tea for him without him asking. We talked a bit about what has been happening in life. And I noticed that he has been doing this thing about getting really close to me and then walking away.
It's a weird thing. He comes to talk to me and gets really close, then he walks away and keep looking at me.
I am kind of a kid, it's part of my personality. I show my feelings. At some point we mention our conversation in the morning and I just gave him a big hug and kissed his cheek and said thank you so much for talking to me, that I was upset about my ruined plans but he made me feel better.
He smiled a me and for that instant it was like we me first met. I felt it was us from so long ago.
Towards the end when the kids were ready to leave with him, we walked to the door. I was inside and he was outside. We were very close and he said that the kids mention that he is looking old. I said that the kids can be very cruel and that he does not look back, that for me he is still very handsome. He said that he needs some moisturizer on his face but he is not really taking too good care after himself. I told him that he should, because he needs to be looking good for his next girlfriend. He then said that it will be a long time before he gets close to anyone again.
He said that his face is showing the signs of so much crying he has done lately, that he woke up to all what he did and is paying the price. I said nothing anymore. I put my hand on his face and caress it. He got even closer. When we said goodbye, we hugged and then when we kissed, he came to my mouth but I turned my face and kissed him in the face. He looked at me and smiled.
So, here is where I need help.
I don't know what to do. If I move I am afraid to ruin his timing. Maybe he is not saying all this because he wants to come back, maybe it is just some closure. He does seem like he wants to move on in his own way. He is not going crazy and inventing some excuses to see me more often.
He is traveling this week but will be back by the weekend, maybe I could ring him and invite for that coffee since I am the one with the Starbucks gift card. But what if it is too much and he says he does not want?
The easy way is to do nothing. Let him invite, let him move. Being frozen is safe.
I don't feel nervous or anxious around him anymore. I actually feel more comfortable around him then far from him. But what if I am understanding all this in a wrong way? He does not put all out there. He is not saying that he wants to work on something about us. He does not say anything that makes me be 100% sure he is moving in that direction.
By other hand I can't ignore that if he does not want to talk about us, then he would avoid it. I do not force him to talk about it or come to the house and be close to me. Why he allows me touching his face? This is not just a friend thing, we both know that this is some part of "US" in our relationship. He can just walk away and yet he does not.
A friend of my said that he wants to date me, just like teenagers and find out who is this person I am now. She said that I can't see but I am a lot different and better, light, fluffy, fresh.
Yesterday, the therapist from my divorce group said that I need to talk to him and ask what is his intention about wanting to talk to me. She said that she is pro marriage and think that I need to know his intentions because he can be thinking about coming back, or he may be looking for some closure and that will hurt me again.
I don't know. I do not feel like asking him because I really don't know what are my basis in asking such a question, he is not promising me anything, he just want to talk and be friends. How can I just ask what are his intentions?
I guess my insecurities are playing along with this too. I am afraid of being rejected again. I am afraid I am thinking there is a chance and all what he wants is to be my friend and not feel guilty anymore.
Sometimes I even question of how long he will be feeling guilty, maybe it is not. Maybe he really means when he says he regret what he did, regret his decisions but need to leave with it.
No Expectations - I would be a liar if I say I have none. I love him and I have expectations.
No guessing - I do this all the time because I am confused, he comes around then he goes away. And now he is doing this even physically, he comes close then moves away.
Yesterday talking to NYGal, she said that he is DBing me and doing a really good job. And I feel like this. I feel like he has been reading the books and even being in this board.
I came a long way doing what I need to do, following the advices, listening to you all and learning from you all, I have faith only on the people in this board. I do not want to mess up now, so I will wait for your advices of how I move from here. What can I do or not do.
Go to his church when he is there since he does not stop talking about it?
Call next week about that coffee?
Show him a glimpse of affection so he knows I still want him to love me since this is the one thing that he cries a lot about. And says that it is what did hurt him the most is that I did not let him to love me?
Sorry the long post. It's a soup opera I know. But this is my life.
Love,
Pink
By the way, there is one more thing I forgot. When XH was apologizing again for not answering the phone when I called on Friday night, he said that I should trust when he says he will take care after the kids and be around for them.
He actually caught himself right away and said: oh, not that you should trust me. I know I broke your trust long ago, but I am working on building that trust again with you. I know it is baby steps but I am really working on that.
Pink
Hey lovely P - don't apologise for a long post...it is always good to hear from you and I'm glad you're doing okay.
WRT your XH - why not invite him out for that Starbucks coffee in a week or two? Have a chat, catch up and so on. I think it may be a good idea to stay friends for now and not put pressure on him by asking about intentions. Just give yourself some time to see how steady and consistent he seems.
Otherwise, just keep being lovely Pink and living your life. Xx
Thanks Sotto, I kind of think like you. I don't even see any purpose in asking for his intentions when I don't even know exactly about my own intentions.
It may sound crazy but I also want to know him a little better now. There is so much at steak right now.
You are awesome,
Pink
Pink you are doing well. Take it day as it comes and try not to look too far into the future because it will change very quickly when you least expect it. The past is gone, the future is illusive and right now you have the gift of the present...use it wisely.
Please do not apologize for lengthy posts. Sometimes we have to get it all out there in order for others to understand and yes, even for you to go back later and re-read your thoughts, etc.
I hope things work out for your family. Your posting sounds like you've got things going in the right direction...all positives. Main thing...take care of yourself. Don't forget that you need to do this during your journey.
Hi Anjo. Great to hear from you I agree with Sotto and Job , things are moving and XH is making all the right sounds The past is over and it's the future that's important The coffee sounds good and baby steps are the way to go
My view is XH wants to come home and I see nothing in your latest post to change my opinion. He is / was in MLC but he is coming out slowly
Your a great person and XH lost sight of this and lost himself , he sees what he's lost but he still needs to work on himself.
I think you handled the situation with the kiss perfectly and you opened up just enough. This is so tough and you want answers and the situation resolved quickly but that's not how it works
I keep saying it but I'll say it again , you have a of more control than you realise but you need to be careful with the control and use it gently
Again , great to hear from you.
Take care. Rd. xx
Thanks Job, your opinion has been a strong guide to my journey. And I see you can read between the lines I write. I still have a huge wound from the past, it is not healed and I think it will take some time to leave it all behind me.
I am hungry for resolution and eager for decisions. Future is very uncertain and it bothers me a lot. But looking into reality, future is just a projection of our dreams and nothing is guaranteed in this life, even life on itself.
The best and most productive is to look into the "now" and "today" as you say. Take the most of this experience and learn my own values.
Sweet RD, as usual you are always very kind with me. I don't know anymore if it is my view of things or if my XH is really moving towards coming home.
I hear all what he is saying but I do not see much actions. He is working on himself as he says it. But he is not even close of thinking about others. For example, he is very proud of his kid going to college but he put about two hours to help out and did almost nothing.
He wants to know the reports about S21 and his doctor's appointments, but does not offer to talk about w/the kid or even go with him sometimes just to share that moment, give some moral support.
He is always talking about football, but do not make extra time to throw a ball at the park or participate in S15 activities to fundraise his football trip to Florida.
His activities with the boys is just taking them to eat out, go to a movie.
He still does not understand what it is to "LOVE" someone, to give yourself in order to gain the love of others. In all this pain, he is yet just thinking about himself, his pain, his sacrifices. I love him, but I am not blind that he needs to change further in order to have a decent life for himself.
For me, I still don't see him doing the extra mile to gain my trust, my affection. He comes around and say a bunch of words but he is not moving towards me. He is just moving around me.
Sometimes, I even think that he still have some emotional dependency on me and that's why he needs to come around time to time. To gain that courage that he lacks. That self confidence that somehow I have inside of me.
The truth is that XH is not the right man to be in love with. I have been questioning myself if it is really worth to rescue a R with someone like him. I fear that sometime into a new R, he will fall back into old habits and go back into a huge shell of selfishness.
I am doing what I need to do for myself and for my kids. It may not be perfect but it is what I can do. I know my values and yet in a turmoil of emotions I can always go back to my core and see myself.
There is some fear inside of me of being used once again. That XH is just using my caring to bring himself into his new single life. So, all what I can do is to be careful I do not offer much, do not try to solve any of his issues, leave him alone to deal with his life and if he decide to move towards me then just be.
It's difficult, hard work to be hanging in there. Sometimes it feels like just giving up on everything and let it go for good. No more affliction. I can even feel it is changing inside of me. I am simply getting tired of all this.
We will see. I still think that if he wants to come back or even develop a new R with me, that he needs to give the first step in that direction. I get a little mixed up because I know what I did during my marriage and I know how cruel it can be when someone just give up on you and I did that to XH. I had my reasons behind my behavior, but I made many mistakes that made our R to die.
I guess time will decide for me. I know I am not ready to face a R with anyone else right now. So this is just that, a present time that there is room for XH, some months from now things can be very different and who knows what may happen.
I also need to deal with the peer pressure right now. I have some girlfriends and are like sisters and they are worried about me. They think I need to close that door forever and give myself a chance to meet someone else. It's hard, I feel like in high school again. I will probably start writing more because then I won't talk much with my friends anymore. I know they care about me and that's why they think XH is just toying with me, but they say things that sometimes get me even more confused.
You guys are all what I have right now. It's like the people that actually speak my language. I am very grateful I ever came to this board because no matter what you are there to support me and give me courage to face the next day.
It's amazing how much I work on me just that you will all be proud of me. I love the psychological side of it and the impact it has made in my life. You are all very amazing and it will go with me forever, it is part of my history.
Love,
Pink
Pink, quit listening to your girlfriends! They're not in your shoes, and only you and XH know the true dynamics of your relationship. You said that you made mistakes in the marriage. Have you changed? Yes you have!! Did you get new information from him that can help you on your journey? Yes, he told you that he missed having your attention, and that you didn't let him in. Can you change that? Yes!
So why not believe that he can change too? When we lose what we love and value most, it's a great motivator for change. He changed when he went from being the loving man you married to the idiot husband who cheated on you. I firmly believe that we all are capable of change. It's what we work on all the time!
He is asking for your forgiveness, not just saying he's sorry. He has said there is no better woman for him than you. You still love each other. You are piecing!!!!
IMHO you might want to consider dating him. Wait at least ten days and see if he makes the next move about the coffee date. If not, then go ahead and ask him. Have fun! Laugh! Flirt like only you can! No promises, no big changes. Just give him a chance.
We're on this site because we believe that marriages that worked for a long time have a better chance of becoming better than finding someone else to start a new marriage with. He's not perfect and never will be. Neither are you. (But you're close!!)
Pink, I'm absolutely thrilled, and I'm so optimistic for you. You can do this. You are so wise. You know how, and you know what it takes.
WOOOOAAAAAAWWWWW.... What got into you today? I want the same what you ate for dinner or breakfast.
It was so great to hear it all ^^^^^^ ... made me smile, really happy. What a way to cheer me up.
You are totally right, thinking about things with this perspective is actually very possible, he even call himself an idiot these days.
The key for success is be confident, no masks, spontaneous, happy, have fun, laugh, be flirty, mysterious, lovely, caring, distant... shoooo... what a work, maybe some glimmer to shy the night out, LOL !
Going back in time, that is exactly why he fell in love with me the first time around. I was all that!!!
Thanks NYGal, you are awesome. And by the way, my horses are going very slow... Piecing??? I think we are not there just yet. Better not have my hopes too high, but it is also good to go for as you say. What I have to lose anyway?
Love,
Pink
Pink,
You aren't piecing yet...but if things go well, it could be in the next few months. For now, be the woman I know you can be and take it one day at a time w/no expectations and stay positive. Your relationship w/your h began as an acquaintance then friendship and so on. This is where you need to go back to is the beginning and work up from there. Both of you are not the same, therefore the relationship can't be the old one.
You've got this. Keep the faith and be sure to stay positive!
^^^ Good advice. Take it very slowly!
hi Pink. I am not sure I have posted on your thread yet, but I have been following along.
NyGal and job both gave some great advice. You know what is right for you and your xh. I had to stop phoning my sisters as they were both telling me to kick is a$$ out, and they knew that was not what I wanted.
You've put in some hard work the last few years so I sincerely hope you and xh can reap the benefits. Hang in there a little bit longer, my friend.
FOR ALL MY LOVELY WOMEN... HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY !!!!
THE EMPOWERED WOMAN
The Empowered Woman, she moves through the world
with a sense of confidence and grace.
Her once reckless spirit now tempered by wisdow.
Quietly, yet firmly, she speaks her truth
without doubt or hesitation
and the life she leads is of her own creation.
She now understands what it means to live and let live.
How much to ask for herself and how much to give
She has a strong, yet generous heart
and the inner beauty she emanates truly sets her apart.
Like the mythical Phoenix,
she has risen from the ashes and soared
to a new plane of existence,
unfettered by the things that once posed such resistance.
Her senses now heightened, she sees everything so clearly.
She hears the wind rustling through the trees;
beckoning her to live the dreams she holds so dearly.
She feels the softness of her hands
and muses at the strength that they possess.
Her needs and desires she has learned to express.
She has tasted the bitter and savored the sweet fruits of life,
overcome adversity and pushed past heartache and strife.
And the one thing she never understood,
she now knows to be true,
it all begins and ends with you
By Sonny Carroll
Aren't we just beautiful???
Love to be a girl...a woman...a mother...sister...grandma...aunt...love being loved and being this box full of surprises... love my strength and my weakness... I love my confusion, my laugh in the morning because silly stuff... Love to be a wife... the confident... love to be girlfriend... the nurse for all the world... love... Oh Mine... I just love to wear a skirt... I just love to be a lover...
Well... I love to be Pink... just me a woman.
What do you love??????
Pink
what a great poem, I am printing that!
You have gotten some great advice. I say, just keep being you and traveling your path. Something tells me your answers are coming soon, I say let them unfold. Let your H give you those answers, his way, on his time.
In the meantime, keep doing your thing! I believe in occasional invites, it has worked well with my H, so certainly do the coffee. No matter what happens, you share children and will forever be in each other's lives, so important to keep that friendship.
And thank you for the long posts. It helps us all to read the emotions and know not only what your H says, but what is in your head. We are walking with you Pink!
Pink,
When I read what your h is saying, it sounds to me like a man who has hit bottom and is finally not only smelling the coffee, but also taking a shower in it.
I understand fully your reactions. How could you feel anything else, after all you have been through?
I guess I would offer this: what is it that you really want Pink? Do you want to try to build something new with this man? He seems to have changed a lot. He seems to really be trying, but only you know for sure, as you know him well. I would also offer this: do not let fear stifle your gut instinct. Deep within you is the answer. Fear can ofter stop us from accessing that answer. Overall I am awed by your grace and courage. Keep facing your fears, Pink. We are all here with you. God didn't bring you here to drop you now. xoxoxoxo
Morning friends,
First, thank you for all your kind words and advice. I am empowered by your support. I feel cared for, every time you write that you are cheering for me and my family, I feel I can suppress my fears and battle another day. I am learning the real meaning from the God I believe. Live with one another, love one another and find happiness in one another. He was so right when he said this.
Job - I will take it slow, I did not walk the unpaved road just for fun. I have been learning the value of every minute in my life. The choices at each step I take and the importance of being patient. It's a grace that is given to us, we just need to accept that moving slow is not wasting, it is building.
Melweb - you are right to cut the "R" talk with some people. They care for us, they picked us up too many times, they saw our tears and felt our pain. So it is just natural that they want us far from the fire. For them, we came out from the flames with some wounds and they don't want us to go right back in and maybe this time have the wounds we can't repair.
It is my time to shut, reinvent friendship.
Mleigh4 - thanks for walking with me. It has been a long journey, but I already feel good for not letting go on something that defines me... the value of my family.
Things are always happening between my XH and me. After so long time he still brings the R talks. It's inevitable with him. He has this need to tell me things about his feelings. The one statement that is standing up right now is "I always loved you with all my heart. The one thing that did hurt me the most is that you did not allowed me to love you."
I think that our sitches have all the same base, we are the LBSs, but the core problems vary and in my case he genuinely thinks and feel that I pushed him away, and if I am very sincere, I know I did. I actually realized that I was having an EA without even knowing and at that time I really pushed my XH away. I was tired of his behavior and I did let it go.
Now, he needs to repair all what he did to our family. But, I can't be oblivious to my own faults. So we need to do the dance around each other. He needs to built trust with me once again and I need to make him feel he can love me, that I accept his love.
It's not very easy, but if our love was strong to keep us together for 18 years, then maybe we can be blessed to care for each other again.
Bttrfly - XH has been changing, not there yet were he can really give himself. But, I actually understand it is a big, huge challenge for him. The poor thing had a terrible childhood. He was abandoned by his mother when he was three, then his father died when he was eight, then his stepmother got rid of his older brother when he was 11, then his second brother when he was 13, then him right after. Joined his biological mother and step father, a military man that used to drink a lot and spanked him too many times. XH put himself through college. Built his path the way he could.
From all that this man still chose to be a good person, a decent human being. For many years I cared for him, gave him what no one else gave his entire life. Then, our kids became teenagers and I believe he was not prepare to face the challenges of their age. I do not have bad kids, but the hormones were and are all over the place and you can just love it, or you will hate it.
XH got overwhelmed with life and it's problems, start getting more and more selfish. I got tired of his selfishness and the bomb exploded.
He says a lot to me these days that he needed to lose everything to find out what he had. So yeah, he seems like a man that hit bottom. But he grabbed God's hand at some point. I kept repeating that I always had only one to lean on, and that was my faith, my God. By example, I showed him he could trust in his God. I said many times to him, that God's hand was right there, waiting to be grabbed, that he could just stretch a little and grab the tips of his finger and the mud would be the marks of his learning.
It's happening to him. I do not know if we will be ever together. I want to. I wish for it. I pray for it to happen. I came to my senses and found I have an unconditional love for this person. I can forgive him. He is part of my soul and part of my skin. I care deeply for him. I decided to fight for it because I made a clear choice to love him.
Inside my heart I know it is still possible. I also know that the dance must be slow and one step at a time. I know I can't open a lot, but I need to let him feel I care for him. I know there will be games involved. Not dirt stuff, just pure nature games to get the pieces together.
The coffee is a good idea. If it is casual it is even better. I will need to deal with my fears in the meantime. But one thing keeps me giving hope... he is not running in the opposite direction, he expose himself to me. XH does not need to put himself in this kind of situation. He can easily just ignore me, do not talk to me, or even come around. Our kids are teenagers, then we do not need to have all this convo we normally have.
He is allowing me to be in his life and his space. There should be a reason.
What is really fun is that the more he comes around, the more I feel empowered to be better. The more he says he loves me, the more I feel the energy to be beautiful for him. The more he says I did not let him to love me, the more I show my affection and look him in his eyes, just the way it was at the beginning.
His DB is working wonders on me. I am falling in love with him all over again. I just hope it is the same for him and he is realizing he can love me again.
And that is the definition of the DB, you need to dance. If it does not work, then you will be good with yourself that you did what you did because of love and it can never go wrong if that was the purpose.
I am already so happy I am back into my own skin. I feel like I rescued someone that was long being missed. I feel good with myself.
Love you all and I am very thankful you are part of my life... part of my journey.
Glad you like the poem, I loved it. I love writing and I write poems myself. You probably figured by now, by the length of my posts.
With gratitude,
Pink
Wonderful post Anjo , really beautiful to read and you have realised what all of us could see , the love you have for XH !!!
I like to think I'm you biggest supporter and I've so wanted to call you and to say be patient and let XH live his life. I wouldn't call because I've already fallen for you and I always believed that XH will try to come home and then my heart would be broken !!!!!!!
You description of what happened to XH is spot on in my opinion , he struggled and got lost. He is coming out of MLC slowly and Pink needs to relax and let this happen. You've found yourself and again , a lot of us on here could always see the person you where , passionate , daring , caring , loving and the list goes on
Life is tough with kids , hormones and all that go with them is really taxing but your a great parent and you cope , then you deal with all the issues
It's wonderful to read your post , you seem confidant and happy !!!!!
Take your time Anjo , there is still a way to go but you will get there , and " there " will be what your heart really wants
Take care. Rd. ( number one fan ). Xxxx
Hi Pink, I agree that was a lovely post and I would encourage you to enjoy being in your own skin - and if H continues to peek in the door and you want to engage with him - go for it. However, go light and gentle - both on yourself and on him. Protect your own heart, and try not to expect much from him either just now. Take what you get, enjoy it and keep moving forward I say. No need to make any big decisions about XH just now - but to gently build a new friendship with him might be nice if that is what you both want.
Xx
Hello friends,
Have some news,
Tomorrow is the last day of my Divorce support group, happy that I got to know some good people and seems like some friendships to keep for life. We will have a celebration at one of the member's house then we will have a last class.
I should confess that these classes makes me a bit confused, it is designed to move on and look for your new life, and I feel kind of pathetic sometimes for hanging in some impossible love that was lost some time ago.
Even more pathetic because I am divorced and sometimes I can't avoid but think I am in denial. Is that what I am? In denial?
My life is moving as it should. Work, kids, plans, lots and lots to do, church, looking for new job, GAL, new and old friends. Well, I have a life independent of XH.
My heart is still hoping that XH will think about it all and may want to be back with his family. Why my heart is doing this with me, I don't really know. I just feel this way.
About XH:
* Thursday he sent me a message that he was in contact with the kids planning to go to the mountains on saturday.
* Friday another message telling me that he would be picking up the kids on sat 6am.
Me - I said OK thanks and that the pastor at his church asked everyone there to tell the one's that couldn't be there, that they were missed.
Saturday he comes to the house and the kids were kind of lazy and were just waking up. I answer the door and said that he could come in since the kids weren't ready yet.
He comes in and I was making some eggs. He gives me a hug and asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine.
He start talking about his travel to Atlanta. Then he says that he had some trouble with his sales direct over a performance review that he did. That this guy wrote a complain against him to his boss and to the company's human resource.
I was just listening, different for me, because before I always kept making comments. He stopped and asked what was wrong with me. I looked at him and said nothing. That I was just listening.
He apologize for talking too much and bothering me with his stuff. I said he was not bothering me, that I was just listening. But he noticed I was quiet and asked me what was wrong again.
I said that I was just thinking about life, my life. He then said that something good will happen to me, that he knows that things will happen to make me happy.
I asked if he would like some eggs and he accepted. I was going to cook but he said he could do it. We sat by the table and he said that I am a lovely person and that many people loves me.
I said that I am not sure about many people but at least I know that my mom still loves me. Yet, this was a person that spanked me a lot. XH said that the people that love me the most are the ones that did hurt me the most.
I said, yeah, kind of funny. I think I don't want anyone to love anymore, I am sure not going to give my love the same way to anyone anymore.
He said that I always deserved better, that he was a selfish bastard that did not recognize how important I was for him. He said that he had everything and did not value it.
He told me that it took him a very long time to let me go so I would be happy because he knew I was not in love with him anymore. He felt that I did not care to love him anymore and he was feeling that way for a very long time.
I said that we were both thinking the same about each other. That I did care and I still care for him and that I know now that I was important for him but just felt I was not.
He then said that he realize now all the wrong choices he made and that I care for him. He said then that he feels he is not worthy. That he made too many mistakes and wrongs that he does not deserve anything, any value.
I said that he shouldn't think this way. That he is a nice man, and is a child of God. That God died for us all and he forgave us long ago so we are worthy now.
He agreed with me and said that he is working really hard to become a better person. I said that now, I am kind of becoming more selfish. He said that I am not a selfish person and that I shouldn't become one because it finish someone. That it consumed his life and destroyed everything in it.
I walked to the sink and he walked close to me. We were talking about the house being clean, he was all smiles and we hugged. He hugged me strong. He caress his head against my and my neck. Just the way it was long ago.
S18 was there then we kept it short. We then talked about college and S18 graduation. I said that I will need his help, a lot of it it he decides to be a part of it. He did not say anything.
When they were almost leaving, I mention that I found the Starbucks gift cards and he just look at me without saying a thing. Then I said, Oh, OK you don't remember, that's fine. He smiled and said that he remembers more then I think but did not believe I would remember he asked me for it.
He said it sounds good and we need to set a time for our coffee. We did not set a date, it is all in the air. We hugged, he kissed my cheek. Then we hugged again and I said I miss hugging him, he said he miss hugging me too, more then I think.
He left.
S15 did not go with them because he was feeling a little under the weather and his throat was hurting. XH texted him around 10:30am to check if he was feeling a little better.
Then he comes to the house at 6pm to drop off S18. I made some food that I know he likes and I separated it in a small container and when he was here I gave it to him and said that I want him to know that I always cared.
That I understand now that I always did things and worked hard to keep his life good. That this is my way to show love, I go the extra mile to do things for the ones I love. But that I understand that for him I would show that I cared if I would hug and kiss him more. And if I said more times that I loved him with all my heart.
He said that he was very stupid because he realize that now. And then he said with emphases that he was stupid and blind, that now he is just stupid but he is not blind anymore, he understands many things he was oblivious for before. And that I could count on it, that he is working really hard to become a better person.
He came in and I was doing some paperwork. He sat but I did not try to glue on him and in about half an hour he decided to leave. He hugged me, kissed my face and left.
Now my take:
1. Expectations - It's very hard not to have any. I try my best to just live the moment. The hard part is that he always talk about our R and maybe I am wrong, but I end up talking about too.
2. Love - I think he can tell I still love him. I think that my behavior shows him that I still love him. So, not sure what to do about it.
3. Patience - Doing a lot better about this one. I am not rushing on things anymore. I do not feel that I need to have anything tomorrow. So kind got a lot better on my baby steps.
4. Mysterious - I talk about some normal stuff, but I always feel he wants to know what I am doing, what is going on in my life. I kind of don;t give too much info.
5. Distance - with XH it is not an easy thing to be distant. I keep some but when the hug thing happen, then I feel that maybe it is OK since his biggest issue is that I stopped hugging and kissing him and he felt I did not love him anymore.
So, I am pretty confused. Sometimes I can see that he is flirting with me. I GOT THE SMILE. You know when you get that smile? The one that you did not get for a long time? I got it today. He was flirting.
He says many things that makes me understand he is moving towards me, or around me. That he says all these things to me because he wants me to understand that he actually never stop loving me.
But... I have this fear of reading too much into it. That he is saying all these things just because it was and it is no longer. Maybe he just needs to talk about it.
I don't know what to do now. The whole DB at first was painful, hard, but it was easier. Now, I do not know if I show my caring to him, if I give him more room to be around. Or if I still keep my limited contact, if he is around then I go to my room and avoid talking about our issues.
I am afraid to believe he is coming forward in his baby steps and then get hurt again if it never happen and I am afraid I keep my super distance and send a message that he was right and that I really don't want him.
You see, with us it is a story of betrayal, so I do not trust him the same way anymore. But, it is also a story of him not feeling loved, and I know I did what he says I did.
I think I need some help here. Like the coffee thing. I brought up the subject and he said he wants to do it, but did not say when. So, do I text him and ask when he wants to have the bloody coffee. Or after my comment it is better to just wait for him to initiate.
One thing that bothers me is that all our interactions happen because he needs to come to the house to pick up the kids.
I wish that he was kind of pursuing me, but he is not. It is always a little time when he is waiting for the kids to get ready. So, is he doing this just because he needs to come around anyway?
He is not going out of his way to talk to me.
Do you think that after this conversation we had today, that I need to kind of disappear for awhile? I sure feel like. For me it feels better if I can just hide somewhere. But is that help or hurt my cause?
It's so hard right now. I just don't know what to do anymore.
And if you say, just continue your life. Well, that part I know and I am doing. I won's stop my own life because of my sitch. It is what to do in relation to XH that I need your help.
Thanks,
Pink
Hi Anjo. Your post is tough to read because you have all the answer but they are not sasy ones
Number one is patience , this will not be quick Number two is patience , this will not be quick. Number three is patience , this will not be quick
Number four is you have to be open but not pursuing, imho you are a bit to free with the hugs. Etc. I understand , I hugged my W yesterday and I don't want her back so I see how tempting it must be
Things are going well even though it does not feel like it to you.
Number 5 is patience , this will not be quick
You were M for a long time and it hit a crisis. Give it time and continue to be fantastic person you are. The journey is tough but worth it
Just my humble opinion Anjo
Take care. Rd. xxxx
Hey Pink, sounds like a positive interaction with your XH. I would say - remember that you are aiming for 'just friends' for a while here. Anything more than that at this point is too soon IMHO. Maybe tell yourself - just friends for 3 months - and I won't consider any more until that point - then I'll review.
Also, as for the coffee - just let that one float. You came forward with the loyalty card. Let that go now and if he wants a coffee, he'll ask for sure. But let things move forward at a slow pace.
Great that the D group worked well. Try to see it as a healing experience whatever the future holds. Healing and moving on from what has happened needn't mean closing the door on possible future R.
Sounds like you have lots going on in your life. Keep focusing on all of that stuff and make a little room for XH now and again.
You're doing really well Sweetie xx
You've gotten some wonderful advice. For now, dig deeper for patience and just be friends. You have to start at the beginning and work your way back up to a new relationship. Both of you have grown and yes changed a lot. He has to feel comfortable in his "new" skin before he can do anything else.
I think the conversation went very well. He's still learning about himself and it's going to take time, i.e., lots of time. Here's a question for you to think about...would you tell someone that you had just met that you loved them? I don't think you would. Give the warming up period a lot of time and you won't regret it. Allow him to continue to come to you. As I say, drop the kibbles and allow him to gobble them up.
Patience, patience and more patience for now. Try to keep the focus on you and your children and again, allow him to come to you.
Hi there, I am so hopeless for the past two weeks, I don't even know how to post it anymore.
After dumping so much: I regret, made a mistake, I know what I did to my family, to you, now I am not blind and I can see I was a jerk to you for many years, I miss you, miss talking to you, and all bunch of BS... then XH gives me a cold shoulder.
After that weekend, when I actually tough he was being very sincere, he then backs off totally. Then he texts me about the kids. Always some idiot things in my opinion since I have the big teenagers and they are not in any sense like 5 years old anymore.
Last friday there was a snow storm and XH was late. He calls me in the morning and I did not answer, he then leaves a msg apologizing for getting late and so. At 4:39 pm, when I was getting ready to go to a concert with a friend, I got a msg from XH with another apology for his morning tardiness and that he hoped I was feeling better (I was very sick with a flu at the beginning of the week, what by the way he did nothing about it, just wished me to feel better).
Maybe he wanted me to think about him since it was friday evening and he knows I have been going out with friends, and then he was right because it gets in my head. Maybe he is just a crazy idiot.
Either way, it just makes me sad his whole behavior. And I think I am not his toy anymore. He dumps so much on my brain and then pulls off like a coward.
I have been reading more about the MLC stuff and I still see how XH fits in every aspect of it. I kind of hold my respect for that, but in the same time I think I am really getting the fact that we are two strangers right now.
I did not like what he did this last time around, I do not like his lack of responsibility with the boys, I do not like to see his selfishness, I do not like that he pretends he cares about me, I do not like I fell for his stupid words and got my hopes high that maybe he was admitting that we never actually gave a chance for our M.
So, I don't like many things and I was again crying my heart out because I was hurting.
Did some deep thinking about it, sat quietly in my inner chair and talked to my God. I found I am not really missing the H I had anymore. That H was a person I did not want either. Being honest with myself, I was the one that asked for the D in the first place, I was the one that got tired of H's behavior and gave up on the M. This made it all easier for him to justify his stupid A and I guess that's why his A did not impact me as much as I thought it would. The A was just a mask.
What is still hurting inside of my heart is my dream. The idea of a family, of growing old together, the idea I built in my mind that we would get our kids in their way in life and then have some quality time to hold hands, go places together and enjoy each others company.
I feel robbed from that dream. I worked hard raising kids, saving to buy a house, to built some stability for our family. And then when we were so close to taste some life for just the two of us, he checked out just like that.
So, what is hurting is the dream I kept inside my heart. It is the idea we would reach a phase in our M that we could be happy just for the two of us.
I was robbed of my dream and I keep refusing to just accept that it is no longer possible.
Well, this time, when I fell from the clouds of my dreams again, I just realized that XH is really done with me. No matter how many times he says he regrets what he did or a million other things that may seem like he would give it a try again, I believe he is out there looking after himself and himself only.
I don't know if I am giving up at all. I really don't know if I have what it takes to keep faith that there is still a possibility of reconciliation. I don't know if I want or if I don't.
I don't know if I still love him or not anymore. I tough I would always know it, but now I feel confused about my own feelings.
So, I decided to look more and more into my own life and I wrote to a career coach. Yesterday I got an answer that he can work with me and he feels he can help me in many ways. Today, I need to move my A**and set up my three sessions and look into changing my life.
Maybe it won't change overnight, but I want to start somewhere and give myself a chance to feel better about my own self.
XH built up his life while I was his back bone, the strong string that kept life together so the "provider" could afford to built his career. This is a huge wound inside of me. That XH used me to get where he is, making all kinds of plans that when he was done, the kids would be older and then would be my turn to do something for myself.
Silly me to believe in that bastard.
Now, I decide to stop feeling sorry for myself, face that I wasted my time believing in a liar and move on with what I can change in my life, for myself.
I know you will read this and feel the anger between lines. Yes, it is there. Anger, resentment, pain, hate... all the good feelings to make this Sicilian blood to move on.
I guess I am who and what I am and all those bad feelings give me the strength to move. Right now, I feel I need to use them to my benefit, they will help me to take XH from my life once for all and also pursue a new life for myself.
Unfortunately for me, it all sounds good but I can't just take the idiot from my life just like a light switch. S18 is graduating from HS and going to college, so lots of details there.
I wrote an extensive email to XH with dental and eye doctor's appointment reports from the kids. Also, put a long list of important dates that are coming for S18 and S15.
Listed a lot of plans for graduation, from invitations to party and asked him to give any input, observation, or if he wants something else to let me know.
At the end I wrote that he can text me, email or if he wants to discuss anything in more detail that we could go for that coffee.
No answer whatsoever, nothing. It's like he never got the email.
I also wrote at the end, that I would like to go to a Christian Concert called "The Bible Tour" and asked if he would like to go with me.
Nothing, not a word about it.
Yesterday, after I set up a meeting with the college counselor to discuss residency, meals, etc for friday afternoon, I texted XH to let him know and asked if he would like to join us or not.
He then texted me back at the end of the day that he would like to participate but had some questions. I texted back asking Like what? He asked me if he could call me. I said yes. He calls and he wants to know if it would be a good idea for him to go.
What? I just said that it was good for his son. That financially it may hurt him since we both need to state our incomes, but the other option would be to just say the father is out of the picture. He said he wants to go anyway.
Then, as the problem solver that I am. I asked about the logistics of how to get to the college and what makes sense if we are all going to the same place.
I asked how he would like to do this and he said whatever is easier for us. I then laid if all there, that S21 drives me to school and then picks up S15 and I go with XH and S18 to the college, in XH's car.
Well, as I always did, I took the decision, resolved the logistics... solved the issue.
Why did I do that??? It is not my place to resolve anything anymore. I could just say, see you at the meeting and let things fall whatever they do.
My life is not with him anymore. I need to plan my life, my things, my meetings and never count on him for anything, much less tell him about plans that include me getting a ride with him.
What is wrong with me? I am such a dummy, stupid person that controls everything around me.
So now, I am thinking to just text him and say that I changed my mind and will pick up S18 from school and meet him at the college. I don't really care what he will think about. He can think I am bloody insane and it does not matter for me.
What really matters is that I put myself in a vulnerable place to be. He is driving and I am there showing myself, imposing myself into his life again. I feel very pathetic.
I did not text yet, I will think a little more how to say this to him that I just changed my mind and do not want to be around him.
I know you guys said to have patience. I just feel that I need to really forget his existence or I won't be able to move on.
So, that is it, I guess I am not DBing anymore. At least I do not care of what he thinks or not about me anymore. I finally look at the mirror and see that I am divorced and it is time to face that he divorced me to bee away from me.
Love,
Pink
Pink,
They reach out to us and become a bit friendly and when they sense that they've gotten too close, they back off, disappear and sometimes do not respond to texts, calls, etc. for quite some time. Notice how when you were distancing, he pursued you and when you started showing him just a wee bit of attention, he backed off...it's the distance/pursuit dance.
I know you are frustrated and you need to stop beating yourself up for doing things for him. I don't think I would change my plans. I would go ahead and plan to do the meet up w/the college counselor w/your h.
As for him showing you a lot of empathy when you were down and out w/the flu...I'm not surprised he didn't do anything for you and just wished that you feel better. This is typical MLC behavior.
Your h is very much still in MLC and he has had some moments of clarity. In other words, he's not completely baked and it's going to be a while before he's ready to come out of the MLC oven.
Pink, you've got to detach and leave him to himself for a while. If he contacts you, be civil, but not chatty. Leave him guessing as to what you are doing w/your life as he is not a part of it right now. You have to live your life as if he is never coming back. When he comes close, don't take his bait, i.e., don't pursue. Continue as you have been doing before the last couple of weeks. You can't rely on him at this time and keep those expectations at zero at all times.
You are a strong, independent woman and no matter what happens, you are going to be fine. I'm sorry you've been having a rough couple of weeks...but spring is here and it's a sign of new beginnings for everyone.
Please take care of yourself.
Pink, don't give up! Go to the college together as a family, keep it light and breezy, and see how it goes!
I think Job is spot on about the pursuit and distance and the main focus for you is to stay steady despite his coming forward and drawing back.
Like so many of us, you feel up and down - but you keep moving bravely forward with a zest for life.
Truly, you are doing so well xox
Thanks Job,
So, regarding riding in his car for the college meeting, I will leave things as planned and just be friendly, what is not very hard since S18 will be with us. Besides, he will probably talk my ears off as he often does after he does not talk to me for awhile.
I just got an email from XH. Amazing, but it often happen. When I finally get the time to post here, then almost in the same time I get a communication from XH. Maybe I should post more often? Just kidding, LOL.
Yes Job, you are right and I can see that XH is still in the tunnel. You described it really well. It seems that he realize how vulnerable he gets when in front of me and then he needs to hide himself again.
Last time he said a lot and exposed too much of his feelings and I believe he does feel them and do not want to feel them again. Besides, I have no idea if he is talking to that scam bag from France. I know he is not meeting her, that is for sure. He is not traveling much and when he does it is for 2 or 3 days. Just local. He told me many times I should believe that he has no one in his life and that he is working on becoming a better person because he was a jerk to me.
Not sure anymore of what that means, but again he is in his crazy ride and only God knows what he is doing.
I confess that I was always afraid to let go. Some kind of fear to just stop loving him and then he will finally open that door to me and I will be so disconnect that I don't want it anymore.
I know that it does not make any sense, but that is the way I have been feeling during my journey. It's fear of not loving anymore. Does that makes any sense to you?
My decision is taken and I am praying that somehow I will change my life around again. I really love traveling and I think I will work to invest in my traveling again. The world was always my curiosity and I have been in many places before. I guess it would be a good idea to just let my wild soul to see the wonders of this world.
By the way, XH never stops the contact. Most is by text, like I said, always something irrelevant about the kids, or more then one wishing me get well, one BS after another he is always making himself present, if you know what I mean.
Like I said, I was posting and he sent me an email Thank me a million times for all what I do for "our sons" (I actually hate that he writes like this, our sons). Maybe his delay is just feeling ashamed because he doesn't do crap about them.
Anyway, he said something about every topic. Good boy, he read his homework. Then he says that he respectfully decline the concert. Talks about graduation invitations and then says that he still would like to meet for a coffee. Only now he sat some dates for me to choose, even give some idea of his traveling schedule.
His first date is thursday or friday next week. He knows that I know thursday is his church day. So, if I know him, he is looking into friday. He also knows that is the way I will think about this. I am thinking to set up for april 1st. Well, it is a fools day anyway, so I will be in the right date meeting with XH.
Sometimes I just feel like asking him to go to HELL once and for all, but then I remember that it is my specialty, to run away when feeling some rejection. I really need to get rid of this awful feeling.
I need to feel like I am doing him a favor to set some time out of my way to meet him and let him enjoy my presence. I am trying my best to see things this way, but I still struggle thinking that it will be a burden to him to share some time of his life with me.
I guess I am facing it a little better because I know he can just ignore me at all and if he is willing to say he wants to go out for a coffee it is because I am not such a burden.
God, I sound like such a freak, I probably am a freak.I actually post a picture post divorce on my facebook yesterday and got a ton of comments, not just likes. Everybody said that I look really good. Treating my confidence a little bit.
The 2 years mark for the my BD is july 26. I guess I was trying to see horns on a cats head when I tough XH was getting out of his menopause. He has ways to go... and I have a life to live in the meantime.
If I fall out of love, then be it. I am tired of holding my pain. I feel that I deserve to live a little before I go home with my creator.
Thanks job, you are my salvation.
And by the way, when I am not posting, I am still reading some threads to learn stuff. I am almost done with Raine. Do you know anyone that divorced their MLCer and then got back together? It is a tough journey and I guess most people just go in separate ways, but if you remember, I would like to read it.
Love,
Pink
Pink, you know me, always the optimist. I think XH is DBing you.
Just checking in.
I know little of MLC
So all I can offer is a big hug
V
Hi Anjo , read all your posts and the comments and would like to add my pennies worth Your anger and impatience are completely understandable and it's easy to understand why XH comes forward a bits d then pulls back , this is very hard for you but you need to relax back , live your life and let what will happen , happen
My opinion is XH will want to have a new R but he's still struggling with MLC and he's not quite ready
The more you live your life and continue to be the wonderful Pink we all know then the more XH will come forward BUT it will take time Anjo and only you can decide if you want to wait For me , I hope you wait and give yourself time to decide what you really want Have no regrets and in a few years be able to look back and know you gave it your all
Its very unfair because your XH did a terrible thing and he should be on his hands and knees begging for another chance but that's not real life Anjo and we all have pride and an ego. For the outside looking in he is coming forward but it's slowly and that's why it's hard for you to see
Sorry to hear you were unwell and I hope the blizzards stop soon
Take care. Rd. xx
Hi, Pink.
I have been following your situation. What a wild ride we are on!
You are handling the ups and downs so well. Its hard to see the forest when your face is against a tree, but there are so many positives with your MLCer. You and you alone get to decide how much you can take of the roller coaster. But he seems to be struggling and fighting within himself.
He knows he treated you badly. The guilt of hurting someone he loves is a hard thing to face. The fear of doing it again and not trusting himself while he is dealing with the emotional and mental turmoil of MLC is also something that will hold him back. But I think that he cares and is drawn to you enough that he wants to keep in contact. This is in your favor. He hasn't just "disappeared".
Its a long haul and painful, with many dips into anger and despair, but the decision to stand is ultimately yours to make. I am cheering you on, crossing my fingers, and sending good thoughts your way from my little corner of the forest of MLC land. We all need someone to point out that the forest is there, even though we have a view only of the bark right in front of us.
In a car with XH and S18. Very awkward. XH doesn't look good.
Big question is, what do I see in this guy? Crazy, but not much. Kind think that if I get back with him, I would probably try to get out in a month.
He is being very, extremely polite. Asking a million questions about my day.
Even more weird is that I am not nervous, anxious, excited, uncomfortable. Just nothing.
Is it possible I am more detached now?
I guess so. Love myself more then just feeling bad because he doesn't want me. I am me, and for that alone I am good with myself.
Well, will see what happens but, for the first time I have no expectations. I am just doing what I need to do for S18.
Don't want to dream anymore. If he doesn't want me. .. his loss.
Well, will post later what happens.
Love,
Pinku
Pink,
How did things go yesterday?
It's possible that you are more detached these days. Continue to love yourself and the woman you are today. If he doesn't come back, it's his loss.
I hope that you can enjoy your weekend.
Hey lovely! Hope things went okay with your trip Sweetie.
"Love myself more then just feeling bad because he doesn't want me. I am me, and for that alone I am good with myself."
I think the above is a really good perspective to have - I love you, but I love me more - and if you choose not to be with me, that doesn't diminish my own sense of worth at all. Really pleased to see you post this. I try and think this way and manage it some times. Other times, I'm plagued with some self-doubt - maybe I'm not half as great as I think and H will run happily off into the sunset with OW! But I catch myself on that one pretty early now.
Look forward to hearing from you and take care my friend xx
Hi all,
It was not my best weekend, but some realities are becoming part of my life and I think it is time to face them as they are.
Friday 3/25
Like I said before I was very much on my own. I knew I need to concentrating in resolving what I needed about S18 college.
I did not pursue, not initiate conversation. I answered what came my way, was polite, but that is about it. XH kept asking if I was OK. Finally when we were back at the house, he mention that he hoped I feel better. I looked at him and said that I did not get why he keeps thinking I am not OK. I said I was OK, feeling good and there was nothing wrong. That I was just concentrated in resolving all what I needed to.
He said that he felt I was mad. I then said that I did not have any reason, but yes, I was worried about doing the right thing for my kid and was paying a lot of attention on that.
He said he would go out to get something to eat. I left before he was back.
Saturday 3/26
Get an early message from XH saying that the kids did not want to go to the mountains and that he would pick them up from 2pm to 3pm.
I was lying down on the couch watching TV with S15, when he saw me he came and sat by my feet. I turned around and he then stood up to get a cup of tea.
I started doing some work around the house. Every time I came around, he would approach me, trying to make conversation. Then he said that he had some papers from his tax return for me to sign it. Well, I signed and gave him the info he needed.
I was not the happiest camper and he could tell I was upset about it. He started apologizing for his need to ask me to do that.
By one hand it is not so bad that he is polite with me, but by other hand I am kind of tired of his BS. It's unnatural to treat the situation as if nothing happen and we are super happy.
I then changed the subject and asked what was his plans for Easter. He said that he would go to church and that he was invited by his pastor to have Easter super with then.
I said that if he would like, that he could join us for dinner and even help to cook. He said right away that he would be very happy to join us and said that he would just need to stop by his pastor's house to say hi to them since they invited him.
I said that he did not need to change his plans, that it was OK if he wouldn't come and he said that he wanted to be with his family. He said all this like he would burst in tears.
I sat by the table to sign the papers and give him the info he needed and he started again saying how much he was sorry to ask me to do that.
I then lost it. I said that it was not about him or that I did not want to get it done. It is the idea of doing it that bothers me. That I am still dealing with this and I just want to run away from it.
He said that he feel very sorry about this and that he cares for me. Then started saying that he also feel bad about this whole thing and that he has nothing and how his life is a big nothing, and blah, blah, blah.
Then I lost even further and I empty my chest. I looked at him and said that this is all a bunch of BS. That the real thing here is that he dumped me and moved on is his life. That this is what I need to deal and that there is no sorry that will change that.
I also asked him when we will start the divorce process in Brazil since we are still legally married there. That it is another annoying thing that we need to get done for good. That we are still married because our real marriage was done there.
He then did not say anything. Not a word, besides saying that he is sorry that he made all this decisions.
It was time for him to leave with the kids since the boys were all around saying that they want to leave. My kids always do this once they see we start talking about this things.
They left and I was thinking I was going to get a text thanking me for the dinner invitation but he wouldn't come, but no, I got no text.
Sunday 3/27
I get a message from XH at 5:15 saying he would be at the house by 5:30 - he comes and is all smiles.
We hug, and wish each other Happy Easter. Then he tells me about his church and the service, asked me about the food and start helping preparing some.
We had a good time, we laughed, we talked, we helped each other. But then the conversation become about "US". Every time we would talk about even the food and he would say something about the past.
I then lost again and this time I just empty my chest for good. This was not DB rules, this was not pretty and I did not even care anymore.
I looked at him and I asked why is this so hard to understand that life is not just this amazing playground that that I am not his kindergarten buddy. That it is very hard for me to just keep talking about our lives together.
That I understand and accept his choice but that I did not want and don't want all of it.
That he left me. That he is always crying the milk spilled but he is moving on as he said he would. That he does not have any responsibility with other human being besides himself on an every day basis, that he is always saying how miserable his life is and yet that is what is best for him.
He then said that I was unfair saying all this to him.
I look at him and said: "You dumped me. My life changed, I was cheated, ignored for many years, alone resolving many issues with kids. I had dreams and they are shattered, I had plans and they are forgotten, I have my family and it is broken. I gave my life to raise my kids, to help him and his career and all that because I bloody trusted him.
I said to him that I regret my choices, many of them. That I do not want to regret anymore and that is the stage I am right now. I said that I won't cry forever, I won't blow my life out of proportion and that I will somehow move on.
But that does not mean I have my wounds, that I am suddenly an Iron woman and can take whatever s**t he throws on me. That I also have my feelings and I also deal with them every single day.
He then said that he understands my anger. Then I said that if he understands that I am dealing with my anger and resentment, then why he keep asking me many things.
I said that I get that life is not easy for both of us, that we both are paying a heavy price for all what happen, but that it is none of my business to deal with his issues and that I need to focus in my own life.
That right now what I see is that I am still the idiot I have been for many years. That I am still the one that needs to stand up for others and he is still the one worry about his own self.
That when he is so sorry for himself of going back to a place without his family, well, I am the one that needs to solve, resolve, take charge for three other lives.
That while he has his master's degree, his career, his success, I am the one that needs to start building a life because my plans where all forgotten.
That yes, we had plans and that right when was my time to do something for myself, well, that is the time that he decided to put a foot on my a**.
I said that I can have some sympathy for his pain, but he is again doing what he wants to do and I am not in a mood to look at it anymore. That his life, his decisions, and all the outcome from it does not really matter to me anymore.
That right now I know I need to move on and be worried about myself and that is about it.
He then started saying how much he cares for me, that he loves me more then I think, that he loves me not just as the mother of his kids, but his love for me is very deep and that I won't ever understand the way he feels.
I said that it is very nice and touching but the bottom line is that he does not want me in his life and that this is my reality and I am tired of hearing how much love is there and that he did not ever want to give our family, our marriage, our lives, our love a chance to see if it would ever work.
I said that he left and decide his life was somewhere else so then be it. That the best thing for me would be to just put a lot of distance between us, that he needs to get his stuff from the garage and leave once for all.
He said that my words hurt him, that he tough I did not love him and his decisions were all based on the fact that I was tired of him. That he was a jerk and never a nice person to me and that he felt I fell out of love for him and he asked me a divorce thinking he did me a favor.
That now he sees that he was wrong, but that does not change what it is right now. That he took his decisions and he needs to live with it.
Then we stopped talking, he kept being very nice to me. Told me he was going to make a nice steak for me and I said he did not need to bother about it. He said that he would do because that is the least what he can do.
We had dinner altogether, everything was nice. Then we walked to the front of the house to talk a bit and he apologized for all the pain he has caused me.
I said that I feel like running far away, disappearing forever but I have still a way to go until S15 finish high school. That I just need to put my head down and finish the job.
He said that he just want me to understand that his life is not all this fantastic life, that I think he has everything figured out and that his life is a mess. That he has his job and he likes what he does and for the first time he is being recognized for his hard work and he has his family... "you and the kids" (great).
Then he said that about everything else he is lost, he feels lost and he is trying to place some pieces together and see if he can make some sense of all this.
That he is almost closing on this place that he can bring the kids overnight, but it is still not ideal but that is what he can do for now.
He said that he is not with anyone and won't be for a very long time. He said that he can't tell about tomorrow but he does not see himself in any R in the close future. That he is not with OW since last year and has nothing with her, but he still have feelings for her.
That he wishes I can understand that he loves me and that it won't change ever. That he won't love any woman in this planet and he loves me and it is not because I am the mother of his children.
That he was hurt for a very long time knowing that I did not love him, did not want to be with him anymore. That I was miserable and all what he could think about was to run away because he was making my life worse. That he decided to leave so I would be happier.
He said that the words I said to him did hurt him a lot. Did it was not fair for me to say all this to him because I am the one person he cares the most besides his kids.
He needed to leave because he would be traveling very early today. He asked me to let him know where we will meet for S15 B-Day celebration on Wednesday and that he appreciate I kept silent about his surprise.
He then asked for a hug. We hugged to say goodbye and he said he loves me and will always love me. I then said that I too love him and will always love him.
*******************
Bottom line, he loves me but he is not in love with me.
Yeah, that is what it is. He loves me for what it was. But he does not love me for what it is.
I need to let go for real because he does not want me anymore. I need to forget him, take him from my heart. Really, really, kill him forever inside of me.
This is not what I aimed for. This is not what I want. But I can't make him to just love me again if he does not want it, and he does not.
It is clear that he made his choices and will leave with it. It is also clear that he wants to be the best in what he does at work so he can impress OW and maybe go back in that R.
It is clear he is building his life again. And I am not included in that life.
It was and is clear to me that he is done with me for good.
I don't know what to do anymore besides living my life. I will try with all my strength to take him from my heart. I think that it is the best I can do for myself at this point in time.
I need to face all my regrets, my pain, my losses, my anger, resentment. I need to face it all and somehow move on from here.
It is very unfair that our love did not have any chance, but it is what he wants. I need to accept that he fell out of love for me and there is not way around it. He does not want me anymore and that is what it is.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, I guess no one of us know either, but I need to put distance between us. It is not good for me anymore to hear all this love you and know that the same person that is saying that to you, also does not want you anymore.
I would like that he would give us a chance, but I believe he won't.
I just don't know what to do right now. I feel lost. I am feeling very down on myself today. I don't know if there is anything else I can do. I wish I knew, I wish I can behave or say the words that will make him fall in love with me again.
But I feel hopeless. All what I feel today is that there is nothing else to do, nothing will bring him back, he is done.
Pink
Hi Lovely ((((((((big hug for you)))))))
That all sounds very difficult Sweetie and I can see how you might feel disheartened. However, I don't see him as 'done' I see him as confused and processing. It also concerns me that OW is still somewhere in his mind and there are some feelings - even if the A isn't active just now. Maybe he was dumped by her?? IDK.
What I would suggest is that you may want to draw back again on the contact. I don't think either of you are at a stage where having R talks is that productive and it just seems to cause pain. I don't think you need to see yourselves as done - but perhaps try to recognise the pressure that conversations like these cause - particularly for a distressed and confused MLCer - and of course for you.
I appreciate he initiated them. However, he was invited to a family event and did have the opportunity to do that. Perhaps if he is in the house another time and keen to initiate a 'talk' you could kindly say something along the lines of - H, I'd prefer we don't discuss this right now. If you want to talk another time, we can arrange to do that - but today, I'd like to relax and enjoy a dinner with the boys....
You are still rollercoastering along with him at times and I think for self preservation it is best if you can observe more and note to self 'oh, that was interesting' without being too emotionally engaged with him.
For now, look after yourself and give yourself some time to recover - draw back to essentials only and minimal/pleasant. You only need to make yourself as available to him as you want to just now.
Take care & just keep moving forward xx
Hi Sotto,
That is my idea... just no contact, or at least minimum contact. XH doesn't really initiate R talks in a sense that he will say he wants to talk about.
He keep pressing bottoms, he literally walks around me, follow me around, is very gentle and keep telling about his life, actually everything. Work, church, his plans for new place, his family, what is happening there.
So you see, it is not like he ask me to sit down and talk about us. There is no "us", but there is a lot of "us".
I don't really know what he wants beside feeling like he does not want me. It is like I love you, but do not want you.
He does not say loud and clear also " I do not want you in my life". That is my interpretation from him saying that he made his decisions and needs to live with it.
I also don't understand that if he knows my opinion about the whole divorce and our R. Why he expose himself to more of what does not matter for him?
He can easily eliminate my physical presence from his life. He can avoid me always and forever, and yet he comes in a house and stay around me.
He can also come to pick up the boys, even come inside the house and then say hi to me, maybe ask me how I am doing and then move into just giving attention to the kids. But he doesn't, he wants to talk to me.
Well, maybe you are right and he is still mixed up, confused, processing.
And you are right about the distance for now. I just can't do this to myself anymore. I even feel ashamed of myself for still having hope. It's like hoping a dead friend would just come back after cremation.
Besides that, I started feeling the absence of love in my life. I have many different kinds of love. But I miss a man's love, the one that can boost my ego. I am alone for a long time.
It would be easier if he just ignore me and does not open a little tiny bit of a chance for us to talk. Or it would be easier if he wants to work on "us". But it is very hard to be in between, he does not want it, but does not do anything to be out of the radar.
By the way, I forgot to mention that in the middle of our conversation after dinner. When he actually said he is lost, I said that I understand what he went through, that I understand why he had the affair, and that I understand that his childhood is still playing a big game inside of him and that his crisis is still happening.
He looked at me very intense, like reading me. The he said that it wouldn't be that simple to just get back together, that it would be very hard and would be a lot of work.
I said that I understand that too. That I also believe that would be a lot of work from both of us.
Then we got into something else.
Just so tired of all this right now. I will let it go this time.
Pink
Pink,
I do not think your h is done, nor do I think that your relationship w/him is completely over yet. I know that you are still on the rollercoaster of emotional h@ll and yes, it takes a lot of time to find your footing.
I would suggest that you attempt to have as little contact as possible for a while. This will help you find your footing again and be able to deal w/him. You have told him how you feel and now you need to stop telling him about it. He knows that he did wrong and reminding him about it often isn't going to help bring him closer to you and want to return. So, please step back and just leave him be as much as possible. I know he seeks you out and that's when you have to think of him as the mail delivery person and not the man you married. It's tough, but you can do it.
Try to find your balance this week. Dig deeper for patience and know that you are going to be okay no matter what happens...but most importantly, please take care of yourself.
Hi Anjo. Sotto and Job have given great advice. I too think that your H is not done but this is a very long process and you wanting it over is completely understandable Try the no contact and see how you feel , maybe a change in the dynamic will help you
XH is still spinning and I think he is having glimpses of the fog clearing but just glimpses
Look after Pink , enjoy your life and let everything else just happen
Take care Rd. xxxx
Morning Beautiful People,
Today is a new day and another chance to make it right. I am not feeling so bad after all. I think I am getting used to ups and downs and don't get so up or so down anymore.
I still feel everything but I do not have much time to spend feeling sorry for myself. My pride is getting stronger lately and I have been drawing the line of how much humiliation I allow myself to take.
This man did a number in my life and indeed I am the one allowing him to step on my head over and over.
Ciluzen - thank you for posting, I appreciate. The notion of him feeling bad because he knows what he did is something interesting. I do not think much about that, but I think you are right that it is some of his pain too. Regarding XH, I do not see the forest anymore, I think it is long gone with some big Colorado fire.
NYGal - we are riding the waves and it is a wild ride. I am not so negative about the whole ordeal, but for sure the wind on my face is wearing down my strength to keep riding. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Sotto, RD and Job - Thank you for your advices, it really help reading someone else take on my sitch. I believe that you are all right and the best I can do is to keep my sweet distance.
It is not difficult at all for me to just disappear. Most of the time I know when he is coming to pick up the boys, so I can manage to be out. And the truth by now is that I am ready to set a goal for myself of NC for 30days to start with.
Yes, it is too bad that my M went down the drain, that the family I had is no more, that the man I trusted is a jerk, that the friend I had does not exist any longer, that the love I felt did shattered and the pieces may never be put together anymore.
But I still have work to do for my kids. My little one is turning 16 tomorrow and I still need to be the rock for him. I am actually the rock-n-roll too, since I am a funny mom.
I believe XH is in a MLC, sometimes I believe he is by the MLC books with all the characteristics very clear of what he is going through. And again you are all right that talking him into any reason is a waste of time and it will only hurt further.
Being honest with myself and with all of you, the rollercoaster happen because I allow it to happen. Sometimes I think that being his friend is showing him I care, sometimes I think he needs to see and hear that he is welcome close to me. That life is full of possibilities and we all make mistakes that we may regret.
Is this working for me? NO - It is not working well at all. He comes around like he is just being friendly and wants to be my friend and then start talking in circles without really putting things straight out there.
Is this because he is sick with this MLC? I guess it is. When I think about, XH does not make any real sense. And the biggest one for me is - Why the hell is he exposing himself to this kind of talk, situations, encounters, dialogues, confrontations, discussions, emotions, etc?
I stressed the subject with some close girlfriends, even some guy friends and you guys and the only thing I get is that - "He is not done with you yet!"
I still struggle with the whole MLC and the truth behind it. I struggle to believe that people really go through such unbalanced thinking, emotional turmoil without seeing well the consequences. Unfortunately, I am in so long and so deep into this tornado that I am believing that it is a real thing.
When I talk to XH he listen to me and make sure I understand he is listening. But even listening to what I say he is always about himself. He seems oblivious to his surroundings. He feels very sorry for himself all the time. And in the same time I see that he uses his sorrow to punish himself.
He does not give a crap for what is my side of the story, he even says that I will always remember the wrong things about our M demise. He says that he understands and can see how much a bad person he was for me, but the truth is that he blames me for not letting him to just love me.
He says a million times that the way I want to see things is that he left me when the reality I was the one that left him much earlier, that I was ashamed to be with him, that I did not care for him anymore, that I did not want to be close to him.
When I mention that this was a reaction of someone hurt because I was practically a single person for a very long time, then he says right away that he loves me, always did and always will. Lately, he adds that he does not love me only as a mother of his kids, but the beautiful and amazing woman I am. That it is deepest then I will ever understand.
So, what is wrong with this idiot? I guess there is no more trying to make sense and seeing any reason in this mess. This is MLC. Every time I try to make 2 plus 2, I always get a 5. I keep asking myself if I am in a big denial and XH is just done with me and moving on with his life and I am the one fantasying that he may have any feelings for me or even wants to R one day.
But then other times I think about why is he allowing himself to keep this kind of dialog with me. He knows I did not want this D, he knows I want to work on "US", he knows I want my family back, that I care about him, that I am sorry for my part in this mess, that I would be willing to work hard and be back with him, willing to forgive his affair, willing to love him.
Why he doesn't walk away and don't look back. It is easy for me to disappear, and as well easy for him to disappear too. He can come pick up the kids and leave. He can avoid to be in a house whatever I am there. He can cut communication to zero and just use it if it is something about the kids.
Sometimes I feel like I am going totally insane.
Yes, MLC is destroying my family, or already did. I will post here whatever I can so others will read one day and will learn how painful and sad it is for all the ones involved.
That my life will turn around and I will be together with this man one day? I can't tell. I start believing that his ego, his pride, won't let him do it.
That I will hang myself in the garage and never see the sun again? No, not at all. Life is too precious to be wasted. Besides my M being destroyed, I still have a lot of joy in many other parts of my life. I still want to see the sun, the rain, snow, the wind blowing in my face.
My Resolution (my goal is a 30days for now)
I will go pitch black. NO CONTACT. This is not going to be easy since we have S18 graduation coming soon. But, it is not impossible and I will use all my will power to accomplished this goal.
What I intend with this? To play the hardest Harry Potter chess game. This is my next move and I think it is the smartest, besides being the only one wise choice at the moment.
I will work hard as hell, but I won't ask him for anything. I won't be the nice girl always going after him and including him in the kids lives. He is a big boy and will need to think once in his life.
I know I need to prepare myself because he will play his game too. But it is my best chance since I am very busy and have lots to do.
If you have any ideas, please let me know as I take every advice to my heart and it has been my guidance on this crazy ride.
Again, I can't say enough how much I appreciate all your help and caring. I am stronger because of you all.
With love and gratitude,
Your Pink
Are you sure he still knows that you didn't want the D and that you want your family back? It sounds like he keeps putting his toe in the water to temp check, and you keep throwing ice in. He's going to give up if you don't give him some encouragement, Pink.
Hey Pink, my take is I wouldn't go completely dark. I think if you ratchet up comms then lock it all down, it's all still volatile and rollercoaster-like. I would aim for a more subtle withdrawal and earlier and pleasant cut off of convos like the one above, which spiralled downward and was difficult emotionally.
I think it is okay to have some contact with H, but on a draw back basis - occasional coffee perhaps, chat at the door and so on. And if convos move towards R - maybe stick to listen, validate, but not 'respond and engage' as such. I also think it's okay to gently let him know that you don't want to discuss R with him just now as you just want to have a relaxed evening or whatever.
I think your H is still struggling with his choices and is still rather self-focused and in pity-mode. And I do think you need to be the strong and steady one here.
JHMO of course, Sweetie xx
Pink,
I agree w/the ladies. Sotto has it nailed down. Don't go completely dark, but you can do a subtle withdrawal and when the convos get to be too much, you can pleasantly cut them off or change the subject.
Pink, you have to look at your h as a next door neighbor or a cousin who pops in to see how things are going. If you continue to all your emotions to take hold, eventually he very well may walk away and realize that no matter what he does or says, it's over and hopeless to continue to try to reach out to you. Is this what you want? If not, please go back and read the detachment thread. It will help you.
Your h is still struggling to find his way and grow up and feel comfortable in his own skin. As he continues to travel the path, he's going to experience confusion, self absorption (on some level) and yes, the pity pot mode will come out to play a bit. He is looking to you as the lighthouse while he is trashing about in the storm on the open seas.
Dig deeper for patience and detach a bit more.
Morning sweeties, wow... these posts really flipped me from inside out.
I am almost getting to the conclusion that I am in MLC too. Just going totally crazy... just kidding.
Yeah, lots of tears as I walk through hell. But as Sotto said, I do believe that I need to be strong now and keep that strength flowing for all my guys (and best if they just trust without knowing).
I read the above "Explanation of Reconnection" and it is like reading what is happening in my life.
The ride is totally insane and sometimes I lose my focus because I do not understand well what is going on. First and most important, I need to believe with my pure heart what is happening to my XH and truly have compassion for all the pain he has and have been experiencing.
This last time, I was quite sure he wouldn't even come to the house for Easter as we had some not so nice interaction on Saturday. But he did.
He arrived all dressed up, actually wearing the tie I gave to him a few years ago. Dressing in blue that he knows I really love. He gave me a hug wishing me Happy Easter, had a big smile on his face.
When I asked how was church, he was genuinely happy, told me with a big smile that it was fantastic and he was really happy about it.
Looking back, he found a connection for us. We do share a strong faith in God and we talk about it very often and it is always very positive.
It's very complex to digest. He told me several times that the OW does not believe in God or any religion as a matter of fact. So, the one thing that he doesn't share with her and the one thing that he has pursuing to share with me.
Is this something that he is literally thinking to do? Maybe not. But I do feel special in that way because I know he trust me in that level. I know that he share his faith journey just with me. Maybe, it is his way of making me special as he says I am so darling to him.
Yes, I was really pushing him away if I think about. I did it all wrong exploding in his face. I put him against the wall and hold the automatic gun, loaded, engaged, ready to shoot.
I pushed him to talk about. I did not understand and did not have the patient to just listen to what he was saying. I felt hurt and let it take the best of me.
Maybe the reason he was getting closer is because I was more disconnected and did not press the issues. Then he gets this bitter person full of resentment and pain.
I do see what I did and I even know why I did. But I was wrong and did not think of how much this would hurt my cause.
He is doing all what is in that post and it is very correct. I said it before and I see it even brighter now that he is an MLC by the book.
The reason I feel confused on why he don't just go live the life of his choice and is always around for one reason or another is explained in many of the MLC books and well posted here by some great folks that went through it by themselves or with their spouses.
I guess I have some changes to do in myself as I too feel kind of lost so many times. My emotions take the best of my reason and sometimes I feel very hopeless as I have my XH so close and yet so far.
I was also reading about some positives that happen during this phase and recognized that some things are changing. Not big things, but maybe it is nice to recognize them.
I bought a nice and big piece of Ribeye Steak for roast. Then I decided not to make it because it would be too much food. XH said that it looked nice and agreed that it would be too much.
Then he asked me if I wanted the steak and I said it was OK, that I could get by without it. He then cut a nice piece from it and grilled it outside for me.
I said that he did not need to go through the trouble and he said that it was not trouble and that he wanted me to do this for me because he knows how much I like it and that he would share it with me.
It was nice and brought tears to my eyes. He saw that I was emotional about it. I thanked him and said I was sorry for getting all emotional over a steak but that I never tough he would do this for me. He just said that he cares for what I like.
Now, when I think more about it. I recall that we talked about the Love Languages and that we did to each other what was our own love language and did not address or understand the other person's LL. If I think hard, he was showing my LL, acts of service and he did it for me and the result was amazing. I was emotional because it was a really loving gesture for me.
Now, his LL is words of affirmation and physical touch. I really need to get into this and use it as he is showing me the way to get to him by doing it to me.
I guess that's why we have so many hugs all the time.
During the time we were cooking together, we also had some nice interactions. We agreed about preparing the food, we talked about our choices. He thanked me for doing all the hard work of shopping and getting all we needed. We laughed, we joked with each other. Several times he brought up things about us, what I like, the way I do, the way he does.
At one time we were both at the kitchen sink and he was dealing with some hot water. I was too close and he just bumped against me so I wouldn't get burned, I then bumped back and we laughed like just playing with each other.
When we were all 5 at the table, the kids said for us to get over the whole praying thing because they were starving. My kids are a little upset with God lately and did not want to pray much. So I said that they did not need to do it this year, that as their parents we would hold them with God by praying for them.
XH and I were sitting right beside each other so I offered my hand to him and he grabbed it. I said that prayer for our family with hand tight with XH. It was lovely, it was warm and touching.
Then, after so much nice stuff, I did my ignorant move. I pressured him in my own way to understand my pain, to see my side of the story. He even said that all what I was saying hurt him a lot because he recalls that I did not love him anymore and that's why he asked me for a divorce. Because he maybe the wrong decision thinking that I wanted it in the first place and he was just trying to give me my freedom back as he was afraid I was with him because I did not want to hurt him.
Yes, I did it all wrong... I feel like a complete stupid. That it will end my road to fight for my marriage. Hell not. It's not done until my heart is done. And as a fact, as much as I prayed for XH to be out of my heart, I can't just feel he is out.
Deep in my heart I believe there is something in the air. I can't really grasp of what it is. But I feel it is there. I guess that's why I get myself always facing the next day with hope.
I can't really explain with words because it is when he look into my eyes. It is when he hugs me. It is his caring and loving way of treating me.
What confuses me is FEAR. I feel his love for me, he even say that with words lately. In the same time the fear plays inside of me and I feel afraid that I am not seeing things clear and that I am in denial.
I really need to work on this Fear factor. I really need to dig deep and find the strength to let go and drop the rope. I feel I am closer now then before, but I still have a way to learn how to deal with my fear.
I also noticed that XH was always my grounding during times like this when I am overwhelmed with so much to do. Now, that grounding needs to be found inside of myself and I too get myself in a pity party mode.
I will follow the advice and not go totally dark. I will try my best to be patient and compassionate. I will do whatever it takes to have my family back. I do not want to move on knowing that I didn't do everything in my power to make it right.
If I need to move on and accept that XH and I have different paths, then I want to do it with my heart clean.
That said, today is my little guy's birthday. My younger gentleman is turning 16 today. I will text XH now to let him know where and what time we will be meeting to celebrate S16's birthday.
XH made a point that he changed his traveling schedule to make sure he will be present this year. In 2014 he was in a business trip and 2015 he was in France. This year he wants to make a surprise and asked me to arrange things and let him surprise S16. I told him I loved the idea and would keep his secret.
Again, he is really changing with his kids, he is being a lot more caring lately. And every single time he needs to mention and report what he is doing for the boys, like looking for an approval.
I have some questions, need some advices. I realize that I do a lot better with when I post here more often. I realized that I can't go on in this journey without you guys. I just don't have all what it takes inside myself alone.
I am strong and independent and I do not need XH, I am a lover of life, I am energetic, happy, full of life. I am a person of faith and would be nothing without my Lord and Father. But, this is way too deep into my soul and it hurts more then anything else I have experienced before.
And I need your help. I will make it a point to post often so I don't lose track of my actions, thinking, reactions. I want to do the right thing.
I need to work now and I will post some questions later.
I wish I could see you and tell you personally how much I appreciate that I have the chance to interact with you. My words can't translate my gratitude to you. I really, really love you with all my heart and I am very thankful for all you to me and for me. I don't know where I would be without you in my life.
Love,
Pink
Well, I sent a text to XH regarding S16 B-Day celebration:
Me - Hi XH, our little S16 chose to celebrate his B-Day at X (name and address)
We are planning to be there by 7pm. Hope we won't hit too much traffic or it could be a little later then 7.
I kept the secret. S16 has no idea that you will be there. It will be a big surprise for him.
Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate your loving gesture.
XH - OK. Please text me when you are at the restaurant.
So, he will be joining us. And I need to behave as a cousin, neighbor. And with all the other stuff too. Being confident, content, independent, mysterious, being me at my best.
I collected the pieces this morning and will try again.
Love,
Pink
I like the text message and I hope that all of you have fun and just enjoy the celebration for your son.
Pink, you will do just fine. Breathe and think positive!
Thanks Job,
I have a hard coconut head, but eventually I start learning.
What I left out and remember now:
1. I left a copy of the Danny Gokey new song - Let your heart breath again, on the back seat of his car when we went to the college visit. He never gave me back as he could think I forgot there, and never mention a thing about it. I left two copies together so he could just think was an accident.
I know you are probably laughing now because I am again 16 just like my younger kid. Oh well!!!
Pink
Pink, enjoy your time as a family. Laugh a lot, and just be you! XH wants to come home! Keep that door open.
Hi Anjo , your coming out of your fear fog Fear was / is keeping you from seeing what's happening with XH. He is coming out ( very slowly ) of his fog and IMHO he wants to come home but even if I'm wrong , XH clearly cares very deeply for you.
The pain he caused is in the past , it's your fear that keeps it fresh in your mind. Your post about the dinner was lovely and touching , you obviously care deeply for XH and your heart is easily big enough to forgive Your faith will help you with this
No expectations and be the wonderful Pnk and let the past be the past.
You post was inspiring about fighting for your family and I would ask you to read it when or if you feel like your done. Others should as well.
XH is such a lucky man to have met a person with your strength , passion kindness and everything really. Be yourself Anjo and the future will sort itself out
Again , really touching post
Take care. Rd. xxxx
Hello my lovely friends,
NYGal - thanks sweetie, yes I did enjoy myself indeed.
RD - I still need to deal with the fear, but again, my whole life was always surrounded by fear one way or the other. I guess I have the fear, recognize it but do not get paralyzed by it.
I believe that my wild side is stronger then my kitty side. I try to avoid what will hurt, or is difficult, but at a determined moment I just say to myself... What the bloody hell, there is always 50/50 and I will have rest and peace once I die.
This take is what keeps me moving forward. I know my life is not perfect and much less myself, but I care for the ones I love, and even for the ones I don't even know, I live a clean life without too much trouble, I am honest and I like battles, challenges. And I will keep moving until the day everything stops.
Yesterday was lovely. I drove, S16 navigated me since the restaurant was over an hour away, we listened to loud music. We got there and when we were ready to be seated, XH showed up.
He was at the parking lot waiting for us. It was indeed a surprise for S16 and he got very happy.
During dinner I was not very talkative, kept more for myself since they start talking about politics. S18 was in a hunger mood and slashed hard at his dad quite a few times.
XH has his way of telling the kids what they need to do with their lives, how they need to think and how to face the world and S18 kept pointing that his life was not really a great example of success.
I did not interfere or asked S18 to shut up. I could and I know he would just stop if I asked. But this is not my business anymore. My kids will express themselves and XH needs to deal with it whatever way he wants too.
He was man enough to do what he did to his family, then now man up to answer the consequences.
He kept referring things to me tough. Like saying... Cira, we are getting old, look at this kids and their strong opinion. Or, Cira, can you believe this guys, they now know a lot more then we do.
I just agreed with him, smiled and let it be. In general, it was enjoyable and the most important, S16 felt good about his dad making him a surprise.
S18 did not get better even after a giant steak. He looks a lot like his dad, but his temper is a lot like his mom. He just don't take any BS home, ever.
Towards the end, the waiter asked if she could bring the bill and XH said yes. I then asked her to bring two, one for me and the boys and one for XH. He was upset. I then asked if he was thinking to share the bill and he said that it was fine, never mind.
Again, I just let it go. Then he walked towards me, put his hand on my shoulder and thanked me for letting him to be part of S16 celebration. I said that he was welcome and that it was good for S16.
I did not move, and XH waited to walk out beside me. He started conversation about his trip, telling me things as usual. I was pleasant, but kept my own space, not too interested but not disregarding him.
We walked out all together and while he was hugging S16 again, I said goodnight and got myself into my car. As soon as the kids where in the car, we just left. We normally drive close since we were going back to the same town, but not this time. My life has nothing to do with him, so I went my own way.
I also noticed that he kept looking at me across the table, I know he normally admire me and I was not so bad yesterday.
I still need to post my questions here. There is so much to come and so much interaction with XH that I don't even know where to start. We have busy lives and because we are 100% in our kids lives, it's inevitable to bump on each other all the time. But I will get my questions together and get some guidance from you guys.
Well, better go back to work, have a busy day and a lot of patients today.
Later... love to you all,
Pink
Pink, you know me. Always the romantic. I don't know why you don't make it easier on XH by showing him your interest? Don't push him so far away that he can't find his way back. He seems to be making all these overtures to you. Why not let him just a little more in?
[/i]Sweetheart you need a new thread.
I have some observations that I would like to make.
WH is not going to reconnect until his attraction for you is greater than all other feelings.
We know one thing, WH was attracted to Pink for many years. What were the things that attracted him to you?
Do you still show those things?
Are you doing for yourself that which gives you power passion and makes you attractive?
If not go do them. An angry disillusioned ex W who blows hot and cold would confuse me.
Waywards run all around for an A partner, WH is capable of that, your description shows it of him and TauC.
I am not discussing the law of attraction pie in the sky stuff but the go get your live with passion stuff.
The ride on a motorbike devil may care passionate Pink. You route to attraction wouldn't be my route, Lady V is a cool more intoverted style with challenges and grit rather than daredevil. So the route for each one of us is different.
I am not talking of going back to your young self, more a deeply self centered Pink who knows that which she wants and goes for it.
I am not saying seduction although being sassy is certainly part of it. It is not the seduction but the [i]attraction that counts. The interplay. Unless the family children's party was anot attraction environment that won't cut it. That puts Pink firmly in the mom pigeon hole. I can understand that.
Pink the woman has to be the attraction that snaps WH from his musing. When he gets the 'oh [censored]' and 'she is off', this comes because Pink is enjoying her life, she is having the GAL of her life. She is a sexy attractive woman with va va vroom. Mega mojo.
This happens because Pink is the woman a fool left and my goodness he knows it and wants to come back.
Pink has her sassy back in spades and is on her way.
Go girlfriend
V
Yes, Pink! You've got this! Be Sassy Pink 2.0!!! Update us, please.
Pink, it's time for an update!