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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2616587&page=1A quick summary - MLC W has done the dating sites, and the dating scene. She has settled on a younger man 44 years old ("om") who is now living with her.
S14 was living with them during the week, but he is now living with me 24/7. I drive him to school and pick him up in the evenings after he hangs out at a friend's house.
D21 is now pregnant living with her bf for the past few months.
I feel like Dorothy being spun thru the tornado. I'm not in Kansas anymore!
Yesterday's blizzard brought some things to a head. The snow started around 11 am, with strong winds.
I texted W in the early afternoon to see if s14 could crash at her place for the night (which is where s14 is dropped off by his school bus.) This would let me avoid having to travel in the height of the snowstorm.
W called me. She was upset and started crying. She told me s14 needs to be with me for the next 2 week. I need to stand up for s14 right now. I asked her what was going on and she told me a scary story:
Sunday night om made a nice meal and he "politely" invited s14 to come out of his room and to eat together. He left s14's bedroom door open to encourage him to come out - s14 shut the door.
A little later, om went back to s14's bedroom to invite him to have some dessert W made, leaving the door open. S14 shuts the door. W tells me no cross words were said by om, and no raised voices. Ya, right.
After this, om went back to s14's bedroom asked s14 if he wanted to come and help clean up the kitchen with W and om, and s14's response was to slam the open bedroom door.
S14 became agitated, and W tried to calm him down. But s14 ended up grabbing a kitchen knife and threatened to stab om. Noooo!
S14 ended up walking around the neighborhood that night until 4 am - it was cold. Monday morning was when s14 was throwing up during his 1st class and I picked him up from school, and I have had him ever since.
W's story makes no sense, and I know there are always 2 sides to a story. But something set s14 off, and he is big and strong, and if he loses his temper bad things might happen.
Last night s14 was picking his toenails and I asked him if we wanted a toenail clipper, and a flash of rage came over him as he said "No. You're making me angry!" I used this as a learning opportunity and told him that sometimes I get angry I wear a rubber band on my wrist, and when I feel that emotion, I snap the rubber band to help me pull myself back.
S14immediately calmed down, and said "Dad I was just joking."
But I do see glimpses of the 'old' s14 already. He is smiling. Laughing. Dancing (the Cam Newton version of the 'Dab'.) He is joking around with me.
I see that I have to protect our son from W's lifestyle. I will fight for custody if/when W brings her divorce Petition. I can drive s14, and I will have him as long as he wants to be here.
I am sorry you are going through this rough time. I just want to commend you for being a stand up dad. Be the lighthouse for your S.
Thanks tfish08.
A really good day. D21 texted me a picture of her ultrasound - the baby is perfect and healthy. D21 is starting to get excited too, which makes me happy.
I visited Mom. She is going thru a rough patch after losing her husband (my Dad) of 63 years. She told me that she thinks it is time for Dad to come back now. She also told me she is having a difficult time praying. It was good for me to just sit and listen to Mom, and offer gentle encouragement where I could.
Having s14 live with me gives me such encouragement. He is safe here. I have someone to care for. It is lifting my spirits.
Work is going smoothly. And I have the Carolina Panthers as my bet for the Super Bowl!
Ok, you may want to place your mortgage betting on Denver. I have picked the incorrect team in the Super Bowl for something like 15 years straight.
I'm saying this is a pretty bad trend?! But maybe this year...
you are handling a very scary situation extremely well! xoxoxo
I will fight for custody if/when W brings her divorce Petition.
Really Wet? What is it going to take for you to see the bigger picture? Do you have to wait until your son snaps and hurts the OM? Does the OM have to hurt him first?
Go file now. If you want to let him stay with his mom otherwise, then you have that option later. But for now, I would strongly suggest you see this as a wake-up call to get your son out of there. Do it before it becomes a bigger issue. She won't likely fight you on it and I have no idea where you get the idea a 14 year old boy has a say in it after that story.
Now get to gettin...
AJ
Hello Wet,
I'm very happy to hear that your son is with you 24/7.
The story you described from your wife is worrisome. True, there are 2 sides to every story (possibly 3 in this case). What has your son said about it? Teenage boys can certainly have a short fuse, but this sounds like more investigating would be appropriate.
How is he doing in school? Is there a counselor at school that either of you speak with?
The "just kidding" comment during the toenail clipping is teenage boy lingo for "Oh, I just got caught doing something I shouldn't? Then I must have been kidding" IMHO
Hang in there!
Cristy
Wet
the situation with son 14 and OM concerns me
If it were my kid, I would also fight to get him out of there permanently
maybe wife can visit with him at a neutral place alone
The MLCer usually affairs down and this OM with a prior criminal record and possible alcohol use can be a terrible influence on a teenager..it could potentially hurt him..thats not something I would want for my kids if there was any possible way to protect him I would-
its a delicate age…
good luck
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and insights. Cristy, s14 hasn't talked about it until last night. Here is a couple of stories that s14 told me that "built up" to his threatening om this past Sunday night:
- om asked s14 if he would like to go to the batting cages - at the same time as my Father/s14's Papa's funeral;
- as soon as s14 went back to W/om's place after he just saw his grandfather pass away before his own eyes, the first thing om said was "I'm really sorry your grandfather passed away. Let's play 'Call of Duty' and I will "kill" you.
I see how these mean, or at a minimum stupidly thoughtless words by om could start s14's emotions to want to hurt him. When I asked s14 last night what was the 'final straw' on Sunday night, he just bowed his head for 5 minutes, and he stayed silent.
I told s14 he cannot pick up a knife and threaten om. Never. Ever. I said I don't want to lose him and have him taken away to 'juvee'.
Then s14 offered me some jelly beans, that he picked up with his friends as they hung out at a mall last night. The box of jelly beans had some delicious flavors like 'dirty diaper' and 'dog's vomit'. As we chewed on a few of these jelly beans we groaned at the flavors, spit a few out, and chuckled together. It lifted the emotional talk.
Hi Wet,
First, let me say that I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment. OM offered to take S14 to batting cages, possibly to take S14's mind off of his troubles with the loss of his beloved Papa? Same with inviting S14 to play Call of Duty? OM could have been trying to be nice/supportive? Clearly the timing and word choice needs help, but his intentions appear to be in the right place.
Good call on being firm with the knife and threatening behavior. It just isn't worth it for S14 to go down that road! You may still want to reach out to his school counselor to see how he is doing at school. If anything were to escalate between S14 and OM, it would be good to have a respected 3rd party involved. Maybe the counselor would be able to mask a meeting with S14 simply as checking in with random students, etc. Maybe the counselor could offer him some of those nasty jelly beans as a diversion, lol!
Definitely keep S4 with you 24/7 and him visitation with Mom at a neutral location. Is that in line with any custody arrangements?
Cristy
Hi Cristy, you are probably right about om may have had good intentions with his hurtful comments to s14. But s14 took his comments as being hurtful and mean.
Another thing which s14 said caused him to blow his temper with om was that om is insulting me and d21's bf/baby-daddy. I have never met om. Any of his insults would have come from W. I was tempted to ask s14 how he was insulting me, but I chose instead not to put in my life those words attacking me.
Insulting a child's other parent also violates rule 101 in a divorce. Never attack the other parent in front of the child. Don't bring the child into it. Sigh.
Ok, last night is another example of weirdness/scariness of om. W asked s14 to stop by at her place to talk. S14 had to charge his phone anyway, so W and s14 sat in s14's bedroom and talked.
The door was closed but om kept peeking/listening in. W yelled at om to go away and let them talk. But he kept running around the condo, and saying in a strange voice "redrum, redrum".
S14 told W/Mom "can't you see 'om' is on drugs?"
W dismissed this behavior b/c the drugs that om takes are for PTSD that sometimes cause him to act strangely. She has mentioned before that om has anxiety issues.
Om saying "redrum" to my son is a step over the line of strange behavior. Isn't "redrum" from 'The Shining', and is murder spelled backwards? Who is this guy?
Every day I thank God that s14 is now with me.
I wouldn't waste much time evaluating OM
Usually the affair partner is not of the best character
Whats most important is keeping your son safe..the OM has no real connection to your son and due to his drug addiction probably lacks empathy and care
I would keep son away from him
I was very leary about OW having contact with my kids..I probably would have, but God protected me and took XH out of state b4 she ever met them
They never met her
Maybe I made a big fuss but I had a bad sense and I though she was an active addict
To this day my XH family will not have contact with him while he is with OW (wife)
they say she is crazy and controls him
Thanks peacetoday, I am glad you understand my desire to keep s14 safe and away from om.
This morning started out really weird. We have near blizzard conditions in town, and I told s14 last night that I want to pick him up right after school - that for 1 day he cannot walk over to his friend's house.
W called me at 6:30 this morning to ask if she could drive s14 to school. She just happened to be in the neighborhood (?!) I told s14 and he said he didn't want to see his Mom. But if W doesn't have visitation, I want them to keep in contact.
I told s14 to let me know to pick him up - I did not push on him having to come with me right after school.
Ahhh, the hamster wheel of my brain is running wild. Maybe W met with her attorney and advised W to get s14 back living with her. But this is out of my control, and I will talk to W if she tries to tell me s14 is moving back with her.
But let's see what the day has in store.
BTW, I did choose the incorrect team again in last night's Super Bowl, my bad luck streak is now running on at least 15 years.
Damnit, Wet. You should have picked the other horses for the race. My state hates you and your streak
Hopefully, Wet, you can see that your son living with a PTSD individual is not a good thing. Not just because he's weird and unstable, but because of the effect on your son. If nothing else, what you describe is likely only part of the story - either because you are telling the highlights or because you aren't seeing the whole picture.
Either way, having your son live with you is the better course of action, right? Did you make that permanent yet?
I ask because your son is at an age where he'll fight for his independence. And far be it from me to point out the obvious, but it's likely he will be able to use the family discord to 'manipulate' the situation to his way of thinking. From my perspective, that's the time that your son will spend with his friends and find the trouble that only a teenager of his age can find. He's not of an age where he'll always make the best decisions - that's what his dad is there to help him with. Without the permanency of the situation, it'll be harder or impossible for you to help him. Too many loopholes for him to exploit.
AJ
I have s14 living again with me.
It looks like the divorce is really happening. I just spoke with W. She said she is meeting with her attorney tomorrow. She wanted me to start answering some questions like my bank account number, and I shut it down quickly. I told her to have her attorney call me and I would give the attorney the information.
W is not asking for anything. The only thing W is asking for is that I continue paying her for child support. This might be a problem if I continue to have him.
The only thing W said is that she wants this to be done with quickly, we've been separated for 3 years after all. I kept my mouth shut.
I am hurting. This was the same agreement I asked W to sign in March 2014, so it feels like I have needlessly gone thru the pain of seeing my W date lotsa men and the move-in with om.
If your son continues to live w/you, then you don't pay child support. She's going to be angry about that, but you need to put it in writing to stipulate that if he lives w/you, then you provide no child support to her. In fact, it might be the exact opposite and she may end up paying you.
I'm sorry that this is happening, but no one knows what the future holds, but it sounds like she's made up her mind and wants to cut the ties w/you. Maybe once the ink is dried on the decree, she can finally start dealing w/her issues.
Please take care of yourself and your son.
sorry for your pain
I never wanted it but
I think after the D, I finally really began to let go, and when XH M OW
That was the end for me-
I look back and Im grateful I had that signal to wake me up and really let go
everything got lighter
Hang in there
You are doing really well and many right things come to those of us who are trying
Here is a Friday smile just in time for Valentine's Day:
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, and she stayed close by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open again and he said “You’re cute!”
His wife, disappointed at the downgrade, asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?’”
His reply: “The drugs are wearing off.”
Well, 2 weeks with s14 living with me, and no sign of the divorce papers.
W was supposed to have met with her divorce attorney this past Thursday. W texted me on Thursday telling me she had a migraine and nausea and she wasn't sure she could s14 to school - she drove him all week except Friday.
W needs more info from me to complete the divorce papers and I told her to have the attorney call me - but no word from her. I bet many separated spouses want to start the divorce proceedings so that Valentines shows their affair partners that they are moving forward.
I heard on the radio tonight 4.2 million marriage proposals are made on Valentines. Yikes!
I am still a realist. W is living with another man, she has a divorce attorney, and the only words she has said to me in the past few months is mostly centered on the divorce.
But d19 comes into town next week. I would be surprised if anything is started then, as it would make things uncomfortable for d19's visit.
Does W realize that she could lose custody of s14 if she starts the divorce?
Wet,
If I could transport you into my mind when I was going through MLC you would get an idea.
This is my opinion of your question about your wife losing custody.
If you asked her if she loved your son.....her answer would be yes, of course, but not many or none of her actions would match. It's as if she is thinking along one time period but living in another at the same time.
Describing MLC is tough because the mind is scrambled. Why does this happen....I don't know. All I can say is it does.
The common sense person looks at the actions and thinks WTF. It absolutely makes no sense.
You are going to keep beating your head against a wall if you try to figure this out. Just keep being the rock in your sons life. I know this may sound trite....but your where your supposed to be and your life will unfold before you as it should. This life is a journey(interesting) but we live in the present moment and that is where we are supposed to be.....not in someone else's mind but in our own moment, that allows us to make the best decisions that we can.
Keep living life for you and your son. At the moment that is what you have and it is important.
Mirage
Mirage, thank you for your insights. I will check out your story.
S14 is back with me. He spent last night at W's place. W made Beef Wellington, twice baked potatoes, and cheesecake, and she said she said she "spoiled" s14 with this meal. I still feel pain when W offhandedly tells me things about her life with om - the meal was made for om.
I have a week of several doctor's appointments and tests. Tomorrow I have an MRI scheduled, along with an x-ray, and some lab tests.
They have pin-pointed the c8 of my spine as causing the continued loss of strength in my left arm. The burning in my legs is also caused by my spine, and the pain continues to grow, and so I am hoping they can also pinpoint the cause of this.
Tuesday d19 arrives in town. W called me and she was stressed out, saying she has "$5" to her name. She wanted child support so she can go out and have some fun together. One of the past month's child support was intercepted by the IRS, but for some reason the money was not given to W but put in "suspense". I don't know how to get the money released.
Thursday I see my lung doctor to find out what can be done about a lingering lung infection. So hopefully this is a good week for getting my health going in a better direction.
mirage/Spirit,
I have read more of your story. I have a connection with you and your story. Here are a few similarities:
- you had a good physical/emotional connection with your W;
- W had a tummy tuck, pre-separation;
- married 21 years when the separation took place;
- the separation happened when W was pre-menopause.
There were other things, but my big question is WHAT HAPPENED? Your W was going to see the divorcer attorney. Then you stopped posting. You people who "glide along" in life...
I hope that I can trap you long enough to answer some questions.
Wet,
LOL " Glide Along". It was not so in the beginning. I was just surviving. This website was a map. A map to a life I wanted for myself....but I had to go through all the steps from denial to acceptance just like everyone here. It's not a free ride, but a ride worth taking.
I come here when I have time. I feel this life is a gift and the gift is people like the ones you meet on this site....So I choose to pay it forward, As much for my soul as it is a benefit to the ones just entering MLC land.
My time lines are probably hazy. After you GAL and your life moves on in a productive, happy, content manner time really doesn't mean much. For the record I did stand for probably two years.
My EXW, had the affair, lied basically every day while she was in the house, left me, the kids(then 18,15,11) and set out to live her own life. Not the life we had enslaved her to(her words). She told me the reason we were getting divorced was I took her to this pizza joint too much and she had to pick out my clothes. Needless to say that is quite the laugher for me now!!!
She did file, we divorced. It got ugly in court because I stood my ground. She wanted to have everything her way.(boy do I have stories, lol). It was the spoiled teenager routine. With DB it's easy to set boundaries now. You realize what a benefit this is in your life in many ways.
It's now approx 7 years later. Our children(2 adults now) see their mother in a truer light. Occasionally we speak about EXW but it is in relation to people losing there way in life and what are some of the things they can do now to address their internal life and come face to face with some things now so they may not be as problematic as they get older.
I really appreciate life. It's comedic at times. It's sad at times. It's happy at times. If you take time to learn the lessons taught here it really changes your life. I've had some major things happen in my life. As I look back now, that is just life and they all represented major learning opportunities.
I am a success story. My marriage was not saved. My EXW 7 yrs later still spews much venom. I do not fall into the trap. We do not co-parent. I tried for the first 3-4 yrs but you can't parent with someone still in MLC land. She does things that make you shake your head. It's best for me to stay out of the way and live my life. Our kids know if they want a relationship with her it's up to them. Not my issue.
I chose to be a rock in my kids life for the first 6 yrs afterward. I thought it was the right thing to do and if you hear them talk it definitely was.
The best advice I can give is to get your own life. Lead your children by example(they do watch) and teach them tools in dealing with adversity. This life truly is a gift but only if you have a positive mindset.
Mirage
Mirage thank you for your advice and honesty. I'm sorry you had to go through this hell, but thanks for letting us know there is something positive on the other side for us LBSs, regardless of outcome with relationship,
xoxoxo
Spirit/mirage, you have such an interesting story, where you have gone thru MLC, and then your Ex has also gone thru MLC.
Thank you for your responses. I keep viewing my W as someone in control of what she is doing. Your story has helped me to better understand she may still be in the throes of confusion and even 'self-loathing'.
If you will permit me, I have a few more questions for you:
- why did you change your sign-on from 'Spirit' to 'mirage'? it seems there is a story here;
- Have you talked to your ExW after the divorce? It seems that your similar journeys going thru MLC gives you something that may be helpful for each other;
- Was there some event that triggered your entry into MLC? - for my W, it was the foreclosure of our home that we lived in for over 20 years;
- You've mentioned meditation as something that helped you out of MLC. Were there any people or conversations that were also helpful to you?
- How are your children doing?
Thanks again for anything that you provide to help us in the midst of the MLC battle.
Wet,
People in MLC tend to self loathe, like your wife.
My description of MLC is "take the most physical pain you can imagine and then transfer that pain right into your mind. During my MLC(mine was an internal MLC)my goal was just to make it to the end of the day without dying. There were days I thought I would actually die from the mental pain.
My MLC took 2 1/2 yrs start to finish. I think my EXW is in an external MLC(Cheating, lying, drinking etc). All things outside yourself.
My trigger may have been my twin brother's suicide. Not totally sure about that.
I like spirituality. I think it makes us better people. Alas spirit was my original name, then I went on hiatus to live my life. Came back as mirage....That symbols paradox to me. Meaning what were supposed to see is not always what we see. Like putting puzzle pieces together. We learn as we go.
My EXW and I probably have had 3 conversations over the 6 yrs since seperation. I really like my life. I don't think she does. My daughter said recently "I think mom hates how well your life turned out". I would not want the woman she is now. She is still running from something and can turn monster very quickly. She turns on the kids at times and is angry many times.
I got into meditation as a result of my MLC. I practiced it from 1/2 way through my MLC to the present. The gift it gave me was to quiet my mind. Most peoples minds run constantly 24/7. I was able to shut it off. Really amazing the benefit it has on your mindset. I would highly recommend it.
I met a couple wonderful people that shared their MLC stories with me. It helped me know there was an other side to this depression. A way through or a way out. Their stories were almost unbelievable. The problem is you find very few people who make it through the tunnel and come out a complete, whole, person on the other side. Many get stuck at various levels of completion.
That's why the GAL, the heal yourself first, BD tools, they teach here are necessary. Become the best self you can in case your MLCer comes back. If not your going to have a great life anyway.
Wet, from all I read from your story you are doing great. I get why you want to stand, I get where you are. Be the rock because she can't be at this time. I don't have a crystal ball, there is no magic bullit through MLC. It takes a lot of internal work to get through. Most people take the external MLC route and that just makes it a much longer journey.
I will say this. You carry all the cards. You can decide what you will accept and what you won't. You can decide whether you want a relationship or not. you have the power to make this life wonderful.
I know this journey [censored] at times. But the some of the lessons will benefit you greatly.
Keep writing here, I like your journey so far.
Mirage
Last night, when I picked up s14, W came out to pick up a check from me. She told me I will receive the divorce papers tomorrow.
I am good with this. But s14 told me om is drinking again (I used to call him 'drunk angry guy'). S14 cannot be around this guy.
So there will be one fight in front of us - for the custody of s14.
Isn't he staying with you now? Yes, I understand the custody stuff, just wondering why you had to pick him up.
One thing I am understanding, just 7.5 years out from divorce is how happy you need to be in your own skin before you can add other people to your life. I know everything won't be rosy but liking who you are, creating a life that brings you peace and what you want out of life.
I hope you find your peace Tom.
kat
kat, it is wonderful to see you. Yes, feeling comfortable in one's own skin is the trick, isn't it.
Yes, s14 is dropped off after school at W's place. He was previously hanging out at a friend's house, but now is hanging out for a couple of hours until I pick him up. I have s14 all of the time now.
-----
Friday's Lawyer Joke:
The district attorney was approaching the Suwannee River when he noticed a sign, “Caribbean Cruise – $99.00”. He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit min on the head, wrapped him in a rug, and threw him in the river.
The public defender noticed the same sign. He, too, bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug, and tossed in the river. The public defender awoke and called out to the district attorney, “Do they service drinks on this cruise?”
The district attorney replied, “They didn’t last year!”
So how is it going so far anything new to report. OLW
Hi OLW, yes I have an update. I received an email from W's attorney this past Monday asking me for some financial information. I am assuming that W's attorney is preparing a Stipulated Divorce agreement, rather than a Summons and Petition - b/c she asked for information that goes into a Final Agreement and not the initial Petition.
S14 continues to stay with me. But he stays for an hour after school at W's place. S14 complained that on Monday he went straight to his room, but om elbowed him in the ribs on his way to his room. W sat with s14 in the condo lobby yesterday which s14 explained was just to keep om away from him. Sigh.
I have more doctor's appointments in the next week. I pray that they can figure out (diagnose and treat) what's going on in my body.
Wet,
Just keep moving forward and being the rock for him. If there is any way to get him out of staying at your W's for an hour do it.
I understand when you have medical issues it just makes it more difficult on you.
Take care of yourself.
Mirage
Here is a Friday Lawyer joke?
The following altercation was captured by court security cameras in Viera, Florida:
Public defender Andrew Weinstock refuses to waive the right to a speedy trial for his client.
Weinstock’s refusal enrages Brevard County Judge John Murphy, who tells Weinstock,
“If I had a rock I would throw it at you right now. Stop pissing me off. Just sit down.”
Judge Murphy then threatens Weinstock, “If you want to fight, let’s go out back and I’ll beat your ass,” and both men walk out of the courtroom. According to Florida Today,
Judge Murphy grabbed Weinstock by the collar and started hitting him in the head as soon as they were outside the courtroom. Moments later, members of the court’s audience start clapping. Judge Murphy can then be heard saying, “There’s probably going to be a change over in personnel.”
No charges have been filed related to the fight, although the Florida Bar has opened a file on the case. Judge Murphy took a leave of absence, and his cases were reassigned.
-buzzfeed.com
(Could this just as well have been last night’s GOP debate!!)
Well, the divorce battle is one. I sent a response email to W's attorney a couple of days ago. W must have received it today, b/c she was angry and went thru point by point what I put in the email, and disagreed with everything.
On custody of s14, W made an unusual comment - "yes, he can live with you now. But in May he will come back to living with me." I was too slow on the switch to ask her what she meant.
I claim W took some money from d19's education account of which I was custodian. I gave W a check to pay d19's private school tuition, and none of it was paid to the school. I ended up having to agree to a payment plan in order for d19's transcript to be released to her college. W took a significant amount of $$$.
So I told W's atty she had to re-pay this money back. W had no idea what I was talking about, but this was the start of W's MLC, and after she allegedly took the money, she 'mysteriously' had a new wardrobe, large screen tv, and lotsa spending money for a trip to Mexico she took.
I told W that she did not spend a dime on d19's tuition, and she got defensive. W had told me she had to spend $1k of it to put food on the table.
W then accused me of "dragging my feet" on the divorce, and that she just wants this to be done. I told her I responded in 2 days to her attorney's email and that I gave her all the information she asked for, and that the ball was now in her court.
I don't like fighting with W, but the custody of s14 is something I am willing to go to the mat on. S14 hates om and om hates s14. This will not be resolved anytime soon. I was cold and direct with W with my responses.
S14 is away on a long weekend field trip for a Spanish village for his Spanish class. I am kinda glad to have a weekend to myself.
I had spinal fusion surgery this past Saturday. And guess what was waiting for me when I went home? W's attorney divorce Petition waiting for me.
W is seeking full physical custody for s14. He has been staying with W when I was in the hospital.
The surgery went well. I will try and get s14 living with me in the next day or two.
Hang in there Wet, she is hitting spin cycle
He is old enough to decide for himself I believe. She only wants him for the money she would get for having him. It is all so sad.
Funny how even now my kids will toss gems my way about being the head of the family and how I've kept us together.
It isn't easy. I am sure the girls are glad to be away from it. Just keep doing what is best for your son. He needs you now more than ever.
kat
Here is the Friday Lawyer smile - it's an oldie but a goodie:
A lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker all gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.”
They all agreed that this was appropriate.
The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
I was served with W's divorce papers when I picked up s14 this afternoon.
I am just so happy to have s14 back (its been 2 weeks) that I don't care that the divorce has officially started. We are going up north to spend time with my family for the Easter weekend. And it's a beautiful day, after 6 inches of snow yesterday.
I'm doing well. This is one benefit of this Board - I am no longer tied to an outcome. I feel healthy and when the final divorce order comes, so be it.
Good for you Wet
Nice to see you are strong !!
Good for you! The strength we gain here becomes a life changer for us, I believe, more so then the outcome. Have a nice weekend
I'm sorry to read that you were served with divorce papers, but you are ready for anything that comes your way.
I'm very happy that S14 is w/you and the both of you are going up north to spend time w/your family for Easter. You both need a break from the MLC madness. Enjoy your time away.
Drive safely and have a great time!
Just checking in. Sorry to hear about the papers but now there isn't anymore guessing and time to take the bull by the horns and tackle what is ahead.
You can do this.
kat
Thanks everyone for your support.
I am torn on how best to deal with the custody of s14. More than a month ago s14 drew a knife and threatened om. W asked me to come and keep s14 at my place for "March and April". Then in May we would see if s14 would go back to W's place. (I assume she thought this would be post-divorce).
As soon as W hired her attorney, W has kept s14 at her place. W has not talked to me about this or explained what is going on. I asked s14 what was going on, and he says he is mostly hanging out with his friends, who live near W's place. Last Saturday I had s14, and I drove him to the park where he hangs out with his friends, and it was no big deal (its 15 minutes away). But again he ended up staying at W's place.
I don't want to push s14 about this, but we have to deal with his custody (and its effect on child support) b/c of the pending divorce. I need to figure out what is going on.
It just does not sound like he should be staying with W if that includes OM. Especially if he is showing signs of violence. It may be too hard for him to choose between you, it might be a decision you have to make, based on what is best for your son.
Well, at age 14, the courts will listen to what your son wants, if it comes to that.
This is something you need to consult with your attorney about.
What is best for your son is for him to be in an environment where he is supported and loved and does not feel threatened. Being a kid is hard enough with out all that stuff hanging over your head.
Are you representing yourself or hiring someone?
Thinking of you.
kat
Ahh, how quickly life changes. It looks like I will be signing the divorce papers this week. Here is the back-story:
Yesterday, d21 had a "Gender Reveal Party" for the baby she will have in August. 15 people family, friends were there. The baby was revealed to be a girl - everyone is very excited.
W and I both attended. As I was about to leave when W pulled me aside to "talk". We had issues to go over on the divorce, so I agreed.
W asked me why I had not signed her attorney's stipulated divorce papers. I shot out that I am mad about how s14 is being treated in the divorce - I told her that after the knife wielding incident, W told me that I would have s14 in March and April, and we would take a look at this in May.
I then told W that after my spine fusion surgery, I could have used having s14 around my place to help out. And then I told her I would not accept her asking for sole physical custody of s14.
W told me that she had not read the divorce agreement, and that she wants me to have custody along with her. And she also told me that she has not held s14 back from coming to my place - this was totally his decision.
Then came the bombshell. W told me that she needed me to sign the divorce papers ASAP - om is dying. And he has agreed to marry W and give his sizeable pension to her. But he was in the hospital twice last week. She needs the divorce done now.
Om is a 44 year old guy in good shape. But he did have a heart attack last June, but he continues to play baseball, so my response to W's news was "he's in good shape, he's not going to die any time soon."
W responded that om doesn't have long to live. And W really neeeeeeds this pension money to put a roof over her head, and in case any of our children need a place also.
I don't have any retirement assets. I can't pay W any alimony. So I understand her strong desire to get om's pension money. W still does not have a job.
We discussed the money W allegedly stole from me for d20's private school tuition, and W agreed that half the amount could be applied to child support. So it looks like all of the major issues are dealt with.
I don't believe that om is really close to dying. But it does make sense in putting together some of the information the children have told me about W and om's relationship. S14 told me W doesn't even like om, along with stories that he is racist, and has insulted d21's bf. I don't think W would put up with this unless there was a strong incentive for her to do so - like om's pension and his health issues.
So I am acting as my own attorney (I've done a handful of divorce cases, as well as attending the major divorce conference last year, so I've got enough background to do this). I will contact W's attorney today with the details of the changes I need and see if we can get a final agreement this week.
She's lying about the OM's health. He probably cooked up the lie. Stop enabling this horrible behavior. Take the lead in this whole situation and you might save it, if that is what you want at this point.
Golly! As you say it all sounds a little questionable. Cirrhosis perhaps? I had some contact with a guy who was in the later stages of this. He didn't look too bad, was only 35 and died a shortish time after.
I've also had dealings with a guy who lied about his partner having cancer in order to take some time off work (and earn freelancing income too.) Oh, the joys of working in HR!
Who knows what is happening, but I guess you can move towards D at a 'helpful' pace, ensuring all aspects are resolved to your satisfaction.
Sorry things are still headed in this direction, but it's good if you now feel the main areas are resolved.
Take care x
Ok, I gotta stop watching NCIS.... my first thought was she's poiso.ning him and needs to get the paperwork in place before he kicks the bucket
Just when you think you have heard (read) it all! Listen to your gut and only do what is best for YOU and your kids.
IMO if the douche bag would like to see that she is well off, he could have made a will and left her $. Do not be blackmailed into anything...
Listen to your gut feeling and do what YOU think is best for you.
Well, no, he can't will her his pension.... They have to be married for that. And it's actually probably better to go through with the divorce, if everything is worked out, and have the ex with some money from OM..... Means she can contribute her share to S14s upkeep and is less likely to be a burden on the kids later.
I think you have to be married at least 15 years,to get a spouse pension.I may be wrong but I was entitled to an equalizing of pensions because of the long term marriage.
No, if you're divorcing there may be such provisions but if you're married and your partner dies, the spouse can get benefits. If the person who died was already collecting a pension though, it depends on how they took the pension. Usually you can opt for a higher amount that dies with you, or a lower amount that still gives your spouse something when you die. (Note for non American readers, we are talking about private pensions here, not your "pensions" from the government that are equivalent to our Social Security).
Incidentally, it's my understanding that there is not a minimum time to be married to collect Social Security survivor benefits, although if your spouse dies of a terminal illness shortly after marriage, they may investigate to see if it was a real marriage or a sham to get benefits.
Just to clarify though, if you are divorced you need to have been married ten years to collect social security benefits based on your ex. But if you're married there's no formal time requirement.
Ok, I gotta stop watching NCIS.... my first thought was she's poisoning him and needs to get the paperwork in place before he kicks the bucket
OK, kml, you made me laugh with this one.
I thank y'all for the information you provided on pensions. My father recently died and he worked for over 20 years at a Fortune 500 company, and he set up his pension where my Mom only got 50% of his pension amount. And she really needed it! (being a classic homemaker for all of her life).
So yes, it all depends on how om sets up his pension.
W told me that om went to the hospital last week b/c he was "peeing blood". Yuck, tmi.
Now my 2 minute Google search makes me an expert, and peeing blood is generally not that big of a deal.
So I continue to believe that om will likely outlive me.
I was thinking about you today, Wet and thought I should send you a word. I know my posts come out of nowhere and are potentially over the top to most folks on this thread, but I feel a connection to you so I will still take that plunge! Do you know that I still pray for your and your wife? I didn't read through all the thread here as I am trying to avoid the forums and just stick to prayer; but it looks like there has been a lot of ugly drama, it sounds very hard. I will pray for you to find a way to hold your head above these dark waters and to keep having faith in restoration no matter how gross the circumstances are. From the little that I read here, it sounds like you are Hosea in this situation, down to the fact that she is feigning love for financial reward! Read Hosea again and again!
I had an amazing situation when I was at the lowest point I have been yet and was in Philly to see a friend who rents space from a church. She is not religious but arranged for me to talk to that priest because I was so low; he not only lifted me out of the pit but is now starting a chapter of The Way at my church in New York!, and out of the darkest moment of my life, so much good is going to come for so many people! -- the point being that if you stay in faith and trust God, you don't know how he will use your dark circumstances to bring light to others. Because if you really believe you are here on earth to know God more and more deeply, it doesn't matter how awful your wife is being. I know it HURTS, brutally bad! I know that the effect on our children is DEVASTATING and so so wrong. I cry everyday, but I cry to God only. Your journey to God is yours no matter what she is doing, and your response to what she does, if rooted in faith and love, keeps you close to God. Keep turning to God and tell him you want him to use you and focus on that, no matter what your wife is doing. I am going to paste below what that priest told me recently about the psalms -- I have been reading one each day and really praying it fervently and it ALWAYS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED THAT DAY to stay firm in my faith. Remember that God loves your wife too. He knows all the wrong she is doing and all the dark choices she is making, and he is calling her even if she can't hear it right now. I always tell my husband, "I know you made your choice, but I am here if you ever change your mind," and I say nothing else ever about anything, I just remove myself from any of his boundary crossing and go to church or go for a walk or pray in my room when I can. (Not always easy with kids around!) Slowly he is less angry. Still crazy but less angry. Anyway, I will keep praying for God to go into that tomb where your marriage lies dead and do the work of resurrection when the time is right. Here are the words from that priest, I hope they will help you --
My dear! Courage! Don't despair, it always comes from the Devil. He is a liar, "the father of lies", and we believe him everything, and how difficult instead to believe that our Lord is Risen from the dead! That He has already attained victory for us! That we won't remain in the cross forever! Don't be afraid! Don't despair, wait, hope in God, He will come, I assure you, give God a chance to enter into your own history as He did once with the people of Israel! Remember that Pharaoh resisted a lot before letting the people go! God has to send, not one, but ten plagues! Pray Evelyn! Read the psalms, they are all existential; your life is in their words. Read them and make them yours. I will pray for you and your husband. Just, don't despair, God is close to you, talk to God, convinced that He is listening to you.
Gerda! It always makes me happy to see you stopping by. Yes, I have given up on my marriage. My W has her wedding already planned in May to om (who allegedly/apparently is dying).
You know, I am doing ok. When you've been separated for 2 years and 10 months, and receive the training here from DB, I am ready, even anxious to move on. I have prayed sooooo many prayers for my marriage and my W, that I can trust that God has heard my prayers, but He is allowing something else to happen. I trust God, and what He is doing in my life. I'm ok with this.
I was texting d19 Tuesday night, she is having trouble with her taxes (her employer did not withhold any state taxes, and now she is hit with a $500+ tax bill she was not counting on.)
But she asked me if I was ready to start dating? and you know, I am not ready to date again. I still have some healing (physically and emotionally) to do. And I am ok with life as it is by now - just me and as much as s14 wants to be around (lately its just 1 day a week.) But we will see what tomorrow holds.
Ohh, the old Wet (as of one day ago) was so hopeful and naïve. I believed the divorce process was easy as long as you both sat done, both compromised, and a deal would be worked out.
Then I received W's attorney's email late yesterday.
W and I sat down last Sunday and we hammered out the major issues of the divorce. I worked on the agreement and sent it to both W and her attorney on Thursday. And I was hopeful the divorce was done. Sigh.
W's attorney backed out of every fricken thing W agreed to last Sunday. Most hurtful was W again saying she wants sole physical custody of s14.
I picked up s14 yesterday and he tells me he wants to stay with me this week. Yay!!!!!!!!! Something happened between W and s14 and I don't care, and I don't want to hear about it. For this week I get my son.
Geez, Wet, something tells me that if you wait it out, W will spin back and forth so much her atty might end up firing her. Not sure why I feel that way. I could be completely wrong here ... I'm really glad S wants to be with you for the week ... YAY!
xoxoxo
Hi, Wet -- I hear you! I have been standing for about five years and during that time I lived through cancer, my mother's death and my H's adultery, our financial ruin, as well as the terrors of raising our kids through the abandonment brought by MLC. I have moved on too -- but not to other men, just to God! I know my marriage is dead right now and I have totally detached from my H and I lead my own life with my kids but I plan to uphold my vow and keep believing that God can resurrect the marriage through any impossible circumstance. Obedience to God through standing gives me a lot of very intense and deep joy -- a different joy than I pictured for myself in my life, but i think a much deeper one, even alongside all the sorrow.
For some reason for the past year or so, even though I don't go to these boards anymore, I was drawn to tell you all the things I have said to you and to keep you and your W in my prayers. I hope you don't mind. I send you and your family a lot of love and faith, I know you are a wonderful father and a rock to your kids, it gives me so much hope in humanity to see how you are about your kids. They will treasure it all their lives, no matter what.
Edited - link not allowed
Love and blessings on you and your family.
- Gerda
Gerda,
It's great to see you return to post to Wet. However, we aren't allowed to post links to other sites that discuss MLC and also indicate the site. The moderators may censor your posting and remove the link.
Hey Wet, just checking in. Hope that things are going more your way and that your W finds a way to keep her word.
I didn't stop working to save my marriage until here we were in court and he says there is no way to salvage it. He was done. Isn't is ironic how it takes two people to get married and only one to get divorced?
Thinking of you, kat
Are you doing ok WET......
Hi everyone, well that was an unexpected 2+ weeks. I was going thru a horrible flu, when I fell on the floor and next thing I know I was in an ambulance being taken to a hospital.
It turns out that going to the hospital was the best thing that could have happened. I have been battling with my lung issues for over 3 years with a doctor who prescribed antibiotics but nothing more. The hospital's doctors could tell they were dealing with something more than just simple lung issues.
They did a bronchoscopy and discovered I had not only pneumonia for over 3 years but also strep in my blood. They aggressively treated me - which led to my getting c dif also.
I had renal failure, dehydrated, along with the flu and the lung issues, so it was pretty serious when I was first admitted. But they kept digging and now have a game plan for dealing with the lung problem and not just medicating it.
So today I was released from the hospital, and went back to my apartment. Ahhh, it feels good to be back at home. It will take some time to regain my strength.
Oh dear Wet - I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm glad there is a treatment plan and it sounds as though the acute episode of illness should benefit your health in the longer term with what's now in place.
Do take care and rest up as that's a lot to go through.
x
Sending prayers your way my friend.....
I'm sorry to hear about your health issues. I do hope that your doctors have a new game plan to treat your lung issues and hopefully make you comfortable w/o a lot of medication.
Please take care of yourself.
Wet, I agree - that was actually a good thing as now it seems like there's a good plan in place to treat your lung issues. You know, I'm just gonna throw this out there, in Traditional Chinese Medicine, each organ/body system has a deeper, emotional meaning. What strikes me about this is two things: that this has been going on for three years, which is approx. the timeline of your sitch with your w and that the primary issue is your lungs. Lungs in TCM govern grief - in other words, in Traditional Chinese Medicine, our grief is stored in our lungs, and pneumonia, especially is deeply buried in the lungs, so ... does this make any sense / correlation to you as well? . Sorry, the holistic practitioner in me observing this had to speak up, forgive me if inappropriate - I'm so very glad you are working with a new plan in place to heal yourself. If anything resonates with you on what I said about grief, you may want to consider exploring that a bit, as it may help the physical healing as well. Just my $.02 which is worth even less, but know that I'm sending prayers and healing thoughts your way ... xoxoxoxo
Can't believe you have been walking around with that for all this time!! So glad that it was caught and you are getting treated. I am sure that you will feel much better and stronger once that hurdle is overcome.
hugs, kat
Wet,
I wish there was a way to get in contact with you directly. I too have been dealing with lung issues for over three years. I have been to regular MDs as well as specialists. Many bouts of pneumonia as well as a lot of tests with no clear direction of treatment. I have kinda given up on the medical community. I would like to hear more about the test they did for you and what actual ongoing symptoms you had. I am glad to hear they have a course of action for you. I wish you speedy recovery.
Lifetwists, I am sorry for what you are going thru. I wish no one the sort of agony of the type we are going thru. The hospital did a 'bronchoscopy' on me. They freaked me out after the catscan saying there was a spot on my lungs, and the doctor actually came in and told me "it looked like it was lung cancer" (!!!) I had given up hope at this point.
But after the test results came back, they did the bronchoscopy with a biopsy and it turned out the spot was an aggressive, deep seated pneumonia. It will take a few more months before it fully goes away.
Thanks to everyone for your kind posts. But its Friday, let's have a Friday Lawyer's Joke:
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there. How’s it going tonight?”
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
“I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, any place. It doesn’t matter to me.”
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding?
What law firm do you work for?”
Hi Wet,
I have gone through much of what you are going through and more. I have gone through cat scans, MRIs, probably almost 100 blood test, and so on. I was close to having a bronchoscopy once and really wanted it to get to the bottom of this. They were scheduling it in anticipation of a double lung transplant. The saturday before I was to meet with the surgeon they did another cat scan. As had been the case before the lungs had mostly cleared up again. No brochoscopy no lung transplant. This has gone on for three years with them mostly treating it with antibiotics and not really getting anywhere. That is why I am interested as it gives me a direction to push the doctors on the next time I have insurance to cover it. I have suspected for a long time that it was related to pneumonia without being taken seriously by the doctors.
Best of luck and a speedy recovery.
Lifes Twists, what was funny for me at the hospital was that I was asked a half dozen times by various doctors/medical personnel whether the doctor I had seen for over 3 years had ever done a bronchoscopy on me before.
And every time I said "no" they looked at me in disbelief. So apparently the doctors where I live believe this is something essential to have done when treatments/medication are not working.
Oh, and during the procedure they flushed all of the infection out of my lungs and they feel soooo much better. Good luck!
I'm glad you are feeling better. I'm hoping that your doctors are on the right track w/your medical care.
I mentioned in the past that our d19 who lives in Boston may have same-sex attraction. Well, yesterday she confirmed it to me.
I had texted d19 the night before to see if she wanted 'Game of Thrones' updates. But she did not respond. Yesterday morning she responded saying she was dating a woman friend from work, and I would probably like her - b/c she puts sauerkraut on her hot dogs and she likes the rock group ACDC.
I was not going to let my past struggles with being judgmental creep into my response to d19's revelation. I asked if her friend liked the old Bon Scott ACDC, or the current version of the band. And of course, I had to ask if she was a Vikings fan.
The woman d19 is dating is from NY, and so was probably not a Vikings fan. But she prefers the old ACDC songs. So I texted d19 that she sounds like she is "pretty special". D19 texted back telling me she loved me.
W later told me that d19 was very much afraid to tell me of her same-sex attraction. I can't be judgmental to anyone given the colossal mess my life currently is in.
I don't have a clue on how to deal with d19's same sex attraction. But for now, I am going to treat them just as I treat my oldest daughter's relationship with her fiancée.
You just have to be you and still be the rock for her. This MLC / Divorce stuff can really screw with the children. Whether this is a life choice or her just acting out against what has been thrust on her only time will tell.
I have had to hold my tongue a lot watching my own girls make bad choices or hearing about them afterwards. I just found out my oldest has been doing a very dangerous life style without respecting herself. She may be paying a hard price for it as she said she may have been exposed to HIV. I know if I had shouted and screamed at her that she would just close down and pull away. I talked to her calmly but strongly about the choice not to use protection and why it was not just for birth control. I dont look forward to dealing with things if she becomes HIV positive.
Treat your daughter as you always have. Dont pry into anything she and her friend do. If they chose to demonstrate behavior in you presence that make you uncomfortable then let them know just like you would if your other daughter and fiancee were.Some things are acceptable in mixed company. some things aren't.
Hi Wet, it's good that your daughter was able to share that with you and that you responded in the way you did. Ultimately, we just want our parents to love and accept us and the choices we make - and I thought your response was loving and accepting.
Yes, you are in unchartered territory for you now, but I'm sure you'll navigate it with your usual thoughtfulness and compassion.
Xx
Here is Friday's Lawyer Joke - I hope it makes you smile:
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars were demolished but, amazingly, neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said: “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year old scotch didn’t break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.
The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asked her, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replied, “Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
I don't have a clue on how to deal with d19's same sex attraction. But for now, I am going to treat them just as I treat my oldest daughter's relationship with her fiancée.
That's exactly the way you do it, my friend.
I guess I should provide a quick update on my divorce. A couple of month's ago, W wanted the divorce done NOW, b/c om was dying and they were going to get married, and he would give W his pension - some financial stability for her.
W sat down and agreed on all of the major issues in dispute, I put a Marital Termination Agreement together. I thought we were done. But W's attorney responded reversing everything W agreed to. It seems like there is no longer a rush to get this done NOW.
Next week we have the Initial Case Management Conference - I emailed W's attorney asking that we instead send this to mediation/dispute resolution, as I am still recovering from my hospital stay - and for some reason I have lost my voice!
W's attorney emailed me late Friday agreeing with trying to get the case referred to some sort of dispute resolution instead of next week's hearing. She was actually kinda nice. But then she asked if we were agreed on W having sole custody of s14, which caused me a flash of anger. But I'll take a deep breath when I respond on Monday, and see if we can get the case moving forward.
Great Scott, Wet. When you do things, you go big! Glad you're feeling better and on the mend.
Full custody? Really? That's some cheeky woman.
You know how the legal game is played. Time is your helper - be patient and stick to your guns.
On the other side, it sounds like you are learning some interesting lessons about things. The old, judgmental Wet seems to be re-thinking and gaining some different perspectives.
Hope you're well soon, amigo!
AJ
Thanks AJ. Here is a quick update on the divorce. I emailed W's attorney telling her we cannot have the upcoming judge's conference b/c of my health/lost voice. This would mean the case would be transferred to mediation and this could not be until July as I do not have a doctor's appointment to repair my voice until then. W texted me this morning mad at me for trying to delay things this long.
We went back and forth with the texts, until I told her I would sign my version of the divorce agreement which was based on the sit down discussions W and I had. She didn't realize her attorney reversed every major position in response to my agreement.
W took another look at my agreement, and says that maybe she will sign it. Things look to be moving forward.
Well, W is mad at me. W did not agree to my divorce agreement. And W's attorney sent for the 5th time a proposal where W has sole physical custody of s14. By doing this and setting my parenting time low, W could get more child support $$$. I rejected W's proposal and asked W's attorney to cancel the upcoming judge's hearing.
When I rejected W's proposal, W shot out an email to us saying then "The upcoming hearing will not be cancelled." She wants this done as soon as possible.
I can't go to the hearing b/c I've lost my voice and I am still recovering from my extended hospital stay a few weeks ago.
I could write to the judge and make W looks foolish for pushing to go forward with a hearing which is mostly administrative in nature. But I will be patient today and see if W's attorney talk some sense to her.
I made W mad and didn't immediately try and fix things. Yes, I'm emotionally healthier than I've been in a long time.
A Friday Lawyer Joke, an oldie but a goodie:
The “animal rights” movement has made it increasingly hard to use rats in laboratory experiments.
So, as an alternative, medical researchers have started using attorneys as their test subjects.
They have found some surprising benefits of performing the experiments on attorneys:
-they have scientific proof that at the genetic level, attorneys are closer to human beings than rats;
-the laboratory assistants don’t get as emotionally attached to the attorneys; and
-there are some things that rats will not do.
Still love the jokes, Wet. Just for fun, "Why shouldn't you eat a clock?"
"Because it's too time-consuming"
I'm emotionally healthier than I've been in a long time.
And that self-awareness is incredibly important, Wet.
The question that comes to mind is why? Why were you emotionally un-healthy and when did that start, do you think?
AJ
sounds to me like w's atty is doing her best to line her own pocket ... just my $.02 ... do you have adequate representation?
not to mention, i feel great fear around S being in w's sole custody with that awful guy ... praying for you Wet ...
stay the course xoxoxo
AJ, thanks for the joke. Why am I emotionally healthier and not still trying to please W, or give in to her demands? It's easy, I have learned detachment from DB and see more clearly if s14 is protected and safe, it is the best for everyone.
Thanks also bttrfly. My attorney is a crazy bum - ya, I am representing myself (over 20 years as a lawyer).
I had s14 for the weekend. I continue to be able to walk farther and grow in my strength. So we were able to go to his favorite place to eat - Bdubs, which made us full and happy. Word from his sisters is that s14 has a gf who lives close to W's place. Which makes him spending time with me more and more difficult.
I still have lost my vocal chords. After I rejected her last proposal, W said she would not agree to cancel last week's court hearing. So I contacted the judge directly explained I was recently hospitalized and can't speak, and could the judge please cancel the hearing, and that W would not agree to this. The judge agreed with me, W looked foolish, and we have mediation in July.
W's attorney asked for me to send her my most recent settlement proposal, which sounds like a positive step.
Hey Wet, not quite the question I was after in this case. Nice dodge though
I'm more interested in before, vs. now. I get that you are more detached. That's clear from the postings that you are more detached. But why WEREN'T you emotionally healthy BEFORE? i.e. Before the BD? What was different about you?
AJ
Hi AJ, why am I more emotionally healthy now than before? Pre- BD I made my life revolve around W and her happiness. I sacrificed my own happiness, my children's happiness, to make sure W had what she wanted.
As an example, as we were going thru tight financial times, W decided (w/o asking me) to become a puppy and rare breed kitten breeder. At times, she could get over $1k for one of these hypo-allergenic kittens.
Two big problems - W never contributed to the household finances and I never said a word. Also, W did not clean up after the animals, which led to a really unclean house for me and the children. She tried to have the kids do the cleaning, but the kids didn't want to clean up animal pee and feces. At times we had over 10 kittens, and I am sure you can imagine the mess that this caused.
It got so bad that a couple of the pregnant cats somehow got into the walls, and W took a hammer and put about a dozen large holes in the walls/ceiling looking for the mother cat/recently born kittens. Our house looked like abandoned property.
Friday Lawyer Joke:
Three men die at the same time. They walk up to Heaven’s Gate together. St. Peter greets them outside the Pearly Gate and informs them that prior to admission into heaven, they must pass one more test. They must answer a question correctly.
Peter asks the first man about his Earthly profession. The man says, “I was a history teacher.” St. Peter smiles and says, “We like history teachers here in Heaven. I’ll make your question easy. There was a big ship that traveled from England for America.
In a famous accident, the ship hit an iceberg and many people died. Please name the ship. The teacher replies, “I believe that the ship was the Titanic.”
St. Peter welcomes the teacher into Heaven.
St. Peter then asks the second man about his Earthly profession. The man replies that he was a garbage collector. St. Peter notices that the man has not showered and emits a very noticeable odor. St. Peter decides to make his question harder. St. Peter’s question for this man is, “How many passengers and crew were on that ship when it hit the iceberg?”
The garbage collector replies cheerfully, “I know that answer. I read a story about the accident. There were 2,228 passengers and crew aboard.”
St. Peter is amazed that the man got the answer correct, but graciously welcomes him into Heaven.
St. Peter then queries the third man, who replies that he had been an attorney on Earth. St. Peter’s facial expression turns to a sardonic smile as he announces the test for the former attorney: “Name the passengers and crew.”
Hi AJ, why am I more emotionally healthy now than before? Pre- BD I made my life revolve around W and her happiness. I sacrificed my own happiness, my children's happiness, to make sure W had what she wanted.
Looking back, Wet, was it always that way? Or was that something that gradually happened and kind of "snuck up" on you?
AJ
Hi AJ, why am I more emotionally healthy now than before? Pre- BD I made my life revolve around W and her happiness. I sacrificed my own happiness, my children's happiness, to make sure W had what she wanted.
I think this is one of the things that makes being the LBS or MLC S so difficult. You feel that you tried so hard to make your S happy, sacrificing your own wants and needs to do so, and then they just leave; if not physically, then emotionally. It creates a victim mentality in us that is sometimes hard to break out of.
Totally enjoying your L jokes. I'll go back to lurking again. :-)
C, I don't think of myself as a victim in any way. I haven't always felt that way, but looking back, I realize I did what I did. No regrets, no excuses. But I do see some similarities in Wet's posting, to my own.
It's been a long time since BD for me. Another lifetime ago. And looking back, I do see some times I did some things that, at the time, I thought was the right thing to do for my relationship. In the context of being married (joined in my mind), I saw it as a team effort. If one of the team needed some help, then the other needed to provided that. We were working toward a common goal. That's not just me saying it, my ex told me once she "couldn't be the good little wife anymore" and I took that as her not being on the same team any longer (amongst other things.) I had to explore this to understand if it was just my perception or the ramblings of a MLCr. Or both
I think what I'm hearing from Wet is the more honest look back at a long running imbalance in the relationship. At the time, I doubt it was perceived that way. That's not Wet's way from what I'm gathering. It wasn't mine, I do know that.
All along it has been my steadfast goal to not re-remember history. What is, is. What was, was. Not excuses, no revisions. And if I'm honest, I had a pretty good marriage for a lot of years. But there were some imbalances to be sure. One of those was similar to what Wet describes. And I think that's a normal thing in the sense that we try to fill a void, when presented with it. In a healthier relationship, that void is temporary in my experiences.
I'm wondering if in Wet's, it wasn't temporary. If, looking back it turns out that things weren't as good in the relationship for longer than previously expressed and thought.
Maybe. Maybe not. But I do feel it is worth exploring for the sake of perspective.
At no time do I believe that any of us are victims though. We always have choices. We often choose based on reference (what we view as "normal" whether FOO or societal norms) from what I've seen and experienced.
Come to think of it, what do I know anyway?
What do you think, Wet?
AJ
Hmmmm. I guess my post might have been misinterpreted. Being a victim IS viewed as a negative. No one wants to be one.
I was responding to Wet's explanation of how he was emotionally unhealthy before, as opposed to now. There HAS been a major shift. But, as I see it, major change comes from an event that caries a large negative feel to it. A NEED to change. This is what BD is. It makes you a victim in that it was a negative event that was, through one means or another at that time in your life, not within your control. Yes, looking back, maybe you could have done things differently to avoid or forsee what happened, but at the time...bomb was dropped, landed on your head, and "boom"...you are a victim.
In the ensuing chaos after BD, I believe we also begin to see how we allowed things to happen that we would not have chosen, but allowed because we loved the other person and "made sacrifices" to make them happy. Their happiness was more important than our comfort. For instance, Wet's W's pet breeding business. He allowed himself to be victimized, made to feel unable to control an uncomfortable situation because it would make W unhappy. No matter how unsanitary and disruptive the situation. Truly, we can make ourselves a "victim of love".
I believe it does create a victim mentality. I think most people on these boards come here as victims of a traumatic BD or a traumatic experience with their relationship. They give their story and seek answers to fight back...to regain some control in their lives. We see the victim mentality with every poster. "Why is this happening to me?", "My S did such and such to me", "I can't stop crying", "How can I ever feel better?". This is hard to break out of. The struggle is real.
Wet, your shift to being more emotionally healthy is a sign of you taking control of your life and feeling more in control of your life. It is what people on this board are aiming for. That's all I was trying to say. I saw your statement about making sacrifices to please another and it resonated with me because I did the same. Lost myself in the process and then felt victimized when my H BDed. Fighting through that feeling is hard, and I felt you are really turning it around. Cheering you on.
Please start a new thread.